April 24, 2025 • 12 mins
Setting boundaries isn't easy because a relationship has so many variables. Because of that, it is helpful to have specific components to focus on. One of those is to determine who is responsible for what. Once you know those things, it is easier to figure out what your limits should be. Watch this video on setting boundaries to learn how to determine who is responsible. #responsibilty #settingboundaries #Christianboundaries
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/A_qrIagECJs
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Who are you responsible for
those of us that are codependent
or have just been raisedin a dysfunctional family,
or in a dysfunctional relationshipor toxic relationship.
We take on too much responsibility.
We not only feel
responsible for ourselves,but we feel responsible for other people.
(00:41):
We feel responsible for what they do,what they feel, what they think,
what they choose.
And the most
negative fallout of that is the fact.
Not aside from the factthat we are just overwhelmed and feeling
way too much guilt and way too much,too much heaviness
is that the other person doesn't haveto carry responsibility for their heart,
(01:04):
and that means that they're not going
to change their behaviorbecause they're not going to experience
the consequence.
And I could feel it.We're going to feel it.
We're going to be feel responsiblefor fixing it.
And for changing itor changing the other person.
And if we don't change that other person,change their behavior.
(01:24):
We're going to feel likethe consequences are our fault.
So let me give you a scenarioand put yourself in this situation
and see what you would answer.
Okay.
If you were having a discussionwith a family member
and that discussion got heatedand that person reacted and you reacted
and you ended up in an argumentand that person
(01:45):
stomped out of the room, slammedthe front door,
got behind the wheel of a car, drove fast
and hit a tree.
Would you feel responsible?
Now, I know you'd probably think,oh my gosh,
if only we hadn't had that argument.
That person wouldn't have left, wouldn'thave gotten behind the wheel of the car.
(02:06):
That wouldn't have happened.
But do you feel responsible for that?
Are you responsible? Responsible?
Meaning you.
Who's going to payfor the deductible on the car?
Who is going to
say, okay,
I'm going to fix this problem?
(02:28):
If you could answer it, that would answerthat and say, you know what?
I'd feel responsible.
Now, I can tell you for myselfthat I would
definitely question myself and think,okay, did I have a part in that?
I would before,
years, years ago, even 5 or 6 years ago,
(02:50):
I probably would have had a hard time
kind of disentangling that
and and thinking,okay, was I really at fault?
I'd have to walk through it today.
I would think about it and I'd say, no,that wasn't my choice.
I didn't get behind the wheel of car.I was upset, too.
I didn't get behind the wheel of car.
I didn't run a car into a tree.
(03:11):
I'm not taking responsibility for that.
But I might ask myself, doI need to apologize for reacting that way,
but without taking any responsibilityfor the car?
Now, if the person started blaming
you or me for that, who?
The other person they were in the argumentwith started blaming
(03:32):
and saying it's your fault.You got me mad.
Then you again have to make a choice.
Am I going to take responsibility for thator am I not going to?
It's sometimes it's hard, harderto let go of responsibility
when the other person is blaming you.
Because if you kind of invalidate yourselfor you're a little bit shaky
in your validation, then that person,
(03:55):
then you might have to kind ofgo through it,
a little more carefully and recognize
I can't change that person’s opinion,
but I'm not taking responsibilityfor that.
So this matters because, you know,there are all kinds
of opportunitiesin relationships to take responsibility.
(04:16):
If your child
wreckstheir car and needs a car to get to work.
Are you responsible if your family membergets an A, gets a DUI and can't drive?
Are you responsible to drive
that person aroundor can you allow that person to walk?
Take a bus, pay for an Uber.
(04:37):
Get a friend. Ride with a friend.Whatever.
Ride a bike.
Are you okay with letting that person bearthose responsibilities?
Are you responsible for some?
For a kidwho forgets to do his homework or
doesn't, study for a test or.
Or who leaves the homework at home?
Do you.
(04:57):
Are you responsible to drive that to.
To drive that down to the schooland give that to the kids
so the kid can turn it in?
And, you can choose to do that,but are you going to take
on the responsibility, thinking,I should have made sure my kid had that?
You've got to decide.
You've got to decide if you're responsiblefor somebody else's bills,
(05:19):
somebody else's abilityto pay their bills, if they spend money
foolishly, if they
don't work enough hours,if they choose not to work enough hours
and their rent becomes due.
Are you responsible?
Are you going to take the responsibility?
You're going to pick it up?
(05:40):
Or are you going to say that's yours?
You know, that's that's you're responsiblefor that in your life?
I'm I'm not going to step inand fix that for you.
And I'm not going to feel guilty.
There's something called false guilt.
False guiltis when you feel like you've done
something wrong,when you haven't done anything wrong.
When you feel responsiblefor somebody else's behavior
and you feel guilty, that is false guiltbecause you are not guilty.
(06:04):
You are not wrong.
You have not done anything wrong.
So we have to look at it this way.
You are responsible for your choices,your thoughts, your feelings,
your behavior, your actions,your inactions, your attitude,
the consequences of your choices,your beliefs and your opinions.
The other person is responsiblefor those same things for themselves.
(06:29):
They are responsible for their choices,their thoughts, their feelings,
their behavior, their actions,their inactions, their attitudes,
their consequences, their beliefsand their opinions.
So when we recognize thatbecause we get it, we get to choose.
Each person needs to bearthat responsibility.
(06:49):
When other people make a choice,
it used to be that when I felt years ago,
very responsible for people's choices
and erroneous thinking,that I had the power to get them
to change their choices,I would have to ask myself
to really just kind of get clear on that,okay?
(07:12):
Could they have made another choice?
Now, today, I just automaticallywhen someone makes a choice and I think,
oh my gosh,what other choices could they have made?
And believe me,there are always other choices
person can make in
just all kinds of choices in a situation.
And you also can make choices.
(07:34):
And when we choose,we are responsible for the outcome.
So very important for you to payattention to.
What are you responsible for?
What is the other person responsible for?
Some people talk about it like being on
like youron your plate that represents your life.
(07:55):
Other another person is on their platerepresents their lives, their life.
That's their stuffthat they're responsible for.
You're responsible for it.
But underlying this,like I said often, is the belief
or that you are able to change somebody,you are able to convince them.
And if you can't, then you're responsible.
(08:17):
And that is absolutely 100% not true.
So Deuteronomy 24:16 saysparents are not to be put to death
for their children, nor childrenput to death for their parents.
Each will die for their own sins, or eachresponsible before God for our own sins.
Proverbs 29:6 says, evildoers
(08:38):
are snared by their own sin,but the righteous shout out for joy
and are glad, snared by their own sin,their own choices.
Acts 18:5-6 says,When Silas and Timothy came
from Macedonia, Paul devoted himselfexclusively to preaching
and testifying to the Jewsthat Jesus was the Messiah.
(08:58):
But when they opposed Pauland became abusive, he shook out
his clothes in protest and said to them,your blood be on your own heads.
I am innocent of it.
From now on I will go to the Gentiles.
Now Paul was saying,
I told you the way,
(09:19):
and you made a choicenot to follow it. I'm.
I'm clean.
I have no responsibility in your choice.
I think that's really important for us
to rememberin our dysfunctional relationships,
especially when other people blame usfor their choices.
And, you know, that goesall the way back to the garden
(09:41):
when Adam and Eve choseto eat the forbidden fruit.
Eve blamed Adam, or she blamed the snake.
It was said to God it was.
It was the snake that you created.
And Adam said it was the womanyou gave me.
Basically, they were both blaming God.
They were saying, you
(10:02):
put me in this situationand it wasn't God's fault,
and it wasn't the snake’s, and it wasn'tthe Adam for Eve and Eve for Adam,
it was their own individual choicethat they could have chosen differently.
And for that they are responsible.
So I hope that if you're strugglingwith this, that
(10:22):
this is kind ofan easy way for you to remind yourself
that you don't have to takeon the responsibility
for other people's choicesand other people's emotions,
and other people's behaviorand other people's consequences.
Now, sometimes when we're in a closerelationship, like a husband, wife,
(10:44):
your other when that personmakes a choice, it affects you.
And it affects you in
uncomfortable ways.
And sometimes you can't avoid that.
But you can do as much as is possible
to let the consequencesfall on that person
(11:05):
and not jump in and bail that person outand not jump in and fix it all the time.
So thank you for watching this video
and listening to the podcast because Inow put them on the podcast also.
And God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
(11:27):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(11:50):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Who are you responsible for
those of us that are codependent
or have just been raisedin a dysfunctional family,
or in a dysfunctional relationshipor toxic relationship.
We take on too much responsibility.
We not only feel
responsible for ourselves,but we feel responsible for other people.
(00:41):
We feel responsible for what they do,what they feel, what they think,
what they choose.
And the most
negative fallout of that is the fact.
Not aside from the factthat we are just overwhelmed and feeling
way too much guilt and way too much,too much heaviness
is that the other person doesn't haveto carry responsibility for their heart,
(01:04):
and that means that they're not going
to change their behaviorbecause they're not going to experience
the consequence.
And I could feel it.We're going to feel it.
We're going to be feel responsiblefor fixing it.
And for changing itor changing the other person.
And if we don't change that other person,change their behavior.
(01:24):
We're going to feel likethe consequences are our fault.
So let me give you a scenarioand put yourself in this situation
and see what you would answer.
Okay.
If you were having a discussionwith a family member
and that discussion got heatedand that person reacted and you reacted
and you ended up in an argumentand that person
(01:45):
stomped out of the room, slammedthe front door,
got behind the wheel of a car, drove fast
and hit a tree.
Would you feel responsible?
Now, I know you'd probably think,oh my gosh,
if only we hadn't had that argument.
That person wouldn't have left, wouldn'thave gotten behind the wheel of the car.
(02:06):
That wouldn't have happened.
But do you feel responsible for that?
Are you responsible? Responsible?
Meaning you.
Who's going to payfor the deductible on the car?
Who is going to
say, okay,
I'm going to fix this problem?
(02:28):
If you could answer it, that would answerthat and say, you know what?
I'd feel responsible.
Now, I can tell you for myselfthat I would
definitely question myself and think,okay, did I have a part in that?
I would before,
years, years ago, even 5 or 6 years ago,
(02:50):
I probably would have had a hard time
kind of disentangling that
and and thinking,okay, was I really at fault?
I'd have to walk through it today.
I would think about it and I'd say, no,that wasn't my choice.
I didn't get behind the wheel of car.I was upset, too.
I didn't get behind the wheel of car.
I didn't run a car into a tree.
(03:11):
I'm not taking responsibility for that.
But I might ask myself, doI need to apologize for reacting that way,
but without taking any responsibilityfor the car?
Now, if the person started blaming
you or me for that, who?
The other person they were in the argumentwith started blaming
(03:32):
and saying it's your fault.You got me mad.
Then you again have to make a choice.
Am I going to take responsibility for thator am I not going to?
It's sometimes it's hard, harderto let go of responsibility
when the other person is blaming you.
Because if you kind of invalidate yourselfor you're a little bit shaky
in your validation, then that person,
(03:55):
then you might have to kind ofgo through it,
a little more carefully and recognize
I can't change that person’s opinion,
but I'm not taking responsibilityfor that.
So this matters because, you know,there are all kinds
of opportunitiesin relationships to take responsibility.
(04:16):
If your child
wreckstheir car and needs a car to get to work.
Are you responsible if your family membergets an A, gets a DUI and can't drive?
Are you responsible to drive
that person aroundor can you allow that person to walk?
Take a bus, pay for an Uber.
(04:37):
Get a friend. Ride with a friend.Whatever.
Ride a bike.
Are you okay with letting that person bearthose responsibilities?
Are you responsible for some?
For a kidwho forgets to do his homework or
doesn't, study for a test or.
Or who leaves the homework at home?
Do you.
(04:57):
Are you responsible to drive that to.
To drive that down to the schooland give that to the kids
so the kid can turn it in?
And, you can choose to do that,but are you going to take
on the responsibility, thinking,I should have made sure my kid had that?
You've got to decide.
You've got to decide if you're responsiblefor somebody else's bills,
(05:19):
somebody else's abilityto pay their bills, if they spend money
foolishly, if they
don't work enough hours,if they choose not to work enough hours
and their rent becomes due.
Are you responsible?
Are you going to take the responsibility?
You're going to pick it up?
(05:40):
Or are you going to say that's yours?
You know, that's that's you're responsiblefor that in your life?
I'm I'm not going to step inand fix that for you.
And I'm not going to feel guilty.
There's something called false guilt.
False guiltis when you feel like you've done
something wrong,when you haven't done anything wrong.
When you feel responsiblefor somebody else's behavior
and you feel guilty, that is false guiltbecause you are not guilty.
(06:04):
You are not wrong.
You have not done anything wrong.
So we have to look at it this way.
You are responsible for your choices,your thoughts, your feelings,
your behavior, your actions,your inactions, your attitude,
the consequences of your choices,your beliefs and your opinions.
The other person is responsiblefor those same things for themselves.
(06:29):
They are responsible for their choices,their thoughts, their feelings,
their behavior, their actions,their inactions, their attitudes,
their consequences, their beliefsand their opinions.
So when we recognize thatbecause we get it, we get to choose.
Each person needs to bearthat responsibility.
(06:49):
When other people make a choice,
it used to be that when I felt years ago,
very responsible for people's choices
and erroneous thinking,that I had the power to get them
to change their choices,I would have to ask myself
to really just kind of get clear on that,okay?
(07:12):
Could they have made another choice?
Now, today, I just automaticallywhen someone makes a choice and I think,
oh my gosh,what other choices could they have made?
And believe me,there are always other choices
person can make in
just all kinds of choices in a situation.
And you also can make choices.
(07:34):
And when we choose,we are responsible for the outcome.
So very important for you to payattention to.
What are you responsible for?
What is the other person responsible for?
Some people talk about it like being on
like youron your plate that represents your life.
(07:55):
Other another person is on their platerepresents their lives, their life.
That's their stuffthat they're responsible for.
You're responsible for it.
But underlying this,like I said often, is the belief
or that you are able to change somebody,you are able to convince them.
And if you can't, then you're responsible.
(08:17):
And that is absolutely 100% not true.
So Deuteronomy 24:16 saysparents are not to be put to death
for their children, nor childrenput to death for their parents.
Each will die for their own sins, or eachresponsible before God for our own sins.
Proverbs 29:6 says, evildoers
(08:38):
are snared by their own sin,but the righteous shout out for joy
and are glad, snared by their own sin,their own choices.
Acts 18:5-6 says,When Silas and Timothy came
from Macedonia, Paul devoted himselfexclusively to preaching
and testifying to the Jewsthat Jesus was the Messiah.
(08:58):
But when they opposed Pauland became abusive, he shook out
his clothes in protest and said to them,your blood be on your own heads.
I am innocent of it.
From now on I will go to the Gentiles.
Now Paul was saying,
I told you the way,
(09:19):
and you made a choicenot to follow it. I'm.
I'm clean.
I have no responsibility in your choice.
I think that's really important for us
to rememberin our dysfunctional relationships,
especially when other people blame usfor their choices.
And, you know, that goesall the way back to the garden
(09:41):
when Adam and Eve choseto eat the forbidden fruit.
Eve blamed Adam, or she blamed the snake.
It was said to God it was.
It was the snake that you created.
And Adam said it was the womanyou gave me.
Basically, they were both blaming God.
They were saying, you
(10:02):
put me in this situationand it wasn't God's fault,
and it wasn't the snake’s, and it wasn'tthe Adam for Eve and Eve for Adam,
it was their own individual choicethat they could have chosen differently.
And for that they are responsible.
So I hope that if you're strugglingwith this, that
(10:22):
this is kind ofan easy way for you to remind yourself
that you don't have to takeon the responsibility
for other people's choicesand other people's emotions,
and other people's behaviorand other people's consequences.
Now, sometimes when we're in a closerelationship, like a husband, wife,
(10:44):
your other when that personmakes a choice, it affects you.
And it affects you in
uncomfortable ways.
And sometimes you can't avoid that.
But you can do as much as is possible
to let the consequencesfall on that person
(11:05):
and not jump in and bail that person outand not jump in and fix it all the time.
So thank you for watching this video
and listening to the podcast because Inow put them on the podcast also.
And God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
(11:27):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(11:50):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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