April 17, 2025 • 13 mins
When you are dealing with chronic liars, it is infuriating and hard to believe that despite the many promises to never lie again, they do. You probably ask why and how it could happen. But more importantly for you to figure out is "Why do you believe their lies?" #chronicliars #dysfunctionalrelationship #healthyrelationshipsteps #toxicrelationships #boundaries #dysfunctionaldynamics
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Why do you believe their lies?
Why do you believe their false promises?
Why do you believe the words
that tell you one thing?
When the actions tell you something else.
This is an important questionfor you to ask yourself
(00:42):
when you are in the relationshipwith somebody who lies.
Somebody who misleads you.
Somebody who says thingsand then does not follow through.
Somebody who is not keeping up
their end of the relationship,
and they're not doing what they need to do
to be healthy or to be accountable,or to be responsible
(01:07):
for following through with what they needto do to fix the relationship
or fix a problem that you have said
that you cannot live with, whatever it is.
Why do you believe them?
Why? The
first answer is you need to.
(01:28):
You need to believe what they saybecause you can't
face the opposite.
One of the reasons that I saidin a previous video
that people sometimes lie isbecause they're in denial.
They believe what they're saying.
They think that they can get sober.
They think that they won't lie again,or they won't do whatever it is
(01:53):
that they're doing thatthey're promising you that they'll stop.
They believe it.
Well, you have a need to believethat they're okay.
That they're not an addictor they're not abusive
or they're not lying to you,or they really are willing to work
on their relationshipand going to even though
(02:13):
their behavior shows you that they're not.
So the first one is you need to
you can't face the truth.
So you are choosing to allow yourself
to be misled by words that are not true.
And there's a part of you that knows it
(02:33):
but cannot come to terms with that.
The second reason is
that, you,
Couldn't and wouldn'tdo what they're doing.
So you desperately want to believethe best about people.
So you're choosing to be naiveand to think, well,
(02:55):
they don't couldn't really mean it.
Again, this is an excuse,
a rationalization that prevents youfrom having to deal with the truth.
But because you wouldn't do it,you are choosing to believe
that they really wouldn't do that.
That they didn't mean to.
That they didn't want to.
That they really are trying.
(03:17):
So you're putting yourself in their placeand thinking,
if I was in that situation,I would mean what I was saying.
I wouldn't be telling a lieeven if I had said
I'd do it before and I didn't do itthis time, I would be sincere.
So you're choosing to believethat that person is sincere.
(03:38):
The other one is
you're being Manipulated,and you just haven't figured it out.
You're still falling for it.
You're falling for the excuse.
You're falling for the personbeing incapable
or helpless or dependent,
or the fact that they really are trying,even though they're not,
(04:00):
or they're not an addictor they're not cheating on you,
or they're not a liar,or they really are trying to find a job,
even though they're notlooking at all your
being manipulated and you're not.
You don't get it.
And manipulation is simply somebodywho's either telling you what they
(04:20):
you want to hear to get what they want,or they're threatening you,
or they're misleading you, or they'repretending, or they're doing something
that is twisting
your desire, your will, your choice,
your viewpoint, your perception somehow
(04:41):
to get the end that they want to get,whatever it is that they want or need.
They're not asking you directly.
They're not saying,are you willing to do this?
Can I have this? Will you do this for me?
They're they'remanipulating your emotions.
They're manipulating your thoughtsor your mind or your will somehow
to get you to fall for itso that you will do it.
(05:04):
On the other one is you'rejust simply a really trusting person.
You don't ever
choose to not believe someone.
You'rejust going to trust. You're gullible.
That's not the nice way of saying it,but I'm going to say it.
You're gullible.
Okay, I know people that are gullible.
They just refuse to admitthat anyone can ever
(05:27):
have a malevolent motivationbehind anything.
So they believe everyone.
Everyone is honest.
Everyone is telling the truth.
And if they ever do fall for a lie,
these people will not admitthat they fell for a lie.
They'll make excuses. They'll
(05:48):
just rationalize.
The person wasn't lying.
The person was telling the truth.
This was really supposed to happen.
They'll just.
They won't say you're right.
I was lied to,I was manipulated, I was duped.
They're just not going to do it.
And the other reason is that you'rejust not ready to set a boundary, set
(06:08):
a boundary, and do what you need to dowith this particular problem
in the relationship.
So until then, you don't
you don't want to deal with it,so you're just going to believe it.
You're going to believe that persontelling you the truth that the problem
isn't really there, that everything's okayuntil you're strong enough
to set a boundary and deal with itin a way that protects you
(06:33):
in a way that keeps you from being lied toand manipulated,
and in a way that you're strong enoughto see the truth and,
be willing to deal with itand make a choice.
So really, honestly,when you're dealing with somebody
who's lying to you or their behaviordoes not match their words,
(06:57):
the question that you need to be asking
isn't, why are they misleading me?
It's why are you believing them
over and over and over and over?
Because you can't control them.
You can't keep them from lying to you,or making excuses or pretending
or saying all kinds of thingswith their words
(07:18):
to charm you,to mislead you, to misdirect you.
They're telling you
what you want to hear, telling youthey'll give you whatever it is.
And that is just purely manipulation.
It is purely, unhealthy.
But you gotta you gotta look at yourself.
Why are you believing them? Why?
(07:38):
When warning people about false prophets.
When Jesus was here on earth,
he told them, basically,they're going to come.
You're going to have them. There arepeople that are going to be unhealthy.
They're going to manipulate you.
They're going to tell you one thingand do another.
They're going to be here.
You have to pay attention.
(07:59):
You've got a simple test, and this is it.
You look at their fruit, okay?
You look at their behavior.
You say, your words are telling me this,but your behavior tells me this.
When I choose between words and behavior,when I have somebody who tells me over
and over that something's going to happenand it hasn't happened,
(08:19):
I've got to look at the track record.
I've got to look at the behavior.
When I have a choice,I listen not to the words.
I listen to the behaviorbecause the behavior tells you
what is truly in the person's heart.
It tells you what the person is doing.
Words can say anything.
Behavior is harder to change.
(08:41):
Behavior is
going to be the thing that givesthe person away.
It's going to tell the truth.
So you got to watch the behavior.
You can hear the words, butthen you pay attention to the behavior.
You say, what is the fruit?
Is this person bearing fruitin keeping with repentance?
Is this person doing what the person saidthey would do?
(09:04):
If the person says,and I get this all the time,
my partner tells me I want the marriage,I want the relationship.
I don't want to get a divorce.
I don't want to have a problem.I'll change.
And then the person refusesto go to counseling.
The person refuses to read a book.
The person refuses to have a conversation.
The person refuses to allow youto tell them
(09:27):
what behavior is hurtful to you.
Person refuses to be accountablefor their actions, gets angry, is
reactive, is blaming,
is defensive, and yet,oh no, oh, I want to.
I want everything to be better.I don't want a divorce.
So if youif you're going to think about separating,
(09:48):
if you're going to end the relationshipthat's on you, I'm trying.
I'm open. I'm willing.Those are the words.
What is the behavior?
The words. Easy, easy to say. I'm trying.
I'm I'm willing harder to do the hardwork, to go to the counselor,
to look at your behavior,to change your behavior,
to hear your partnertell you what's hurtful,
(10:11):
to hear your partner tell youwhat is wrong, what needs to change,
and to listen and have an open heartand be open to rebuke.
Open to correction.
Like all the Scriptures and Proverbstells us that a fool
does not take correction,but a wise man does.
A wise person hearscorrection and learns from it.
(10:35):
A fool does not.
So you have to basically figure out
what's the behavior.
Telling me behavior communicates a message
as strong or stronger than the words.
The words say one thing.
The behaviorcommunicates a message to you.
(10:56):
Words say, I'm going to changebehavior, says not changing.
Continuing down the same path.
Which do you believe?
Pay attention to the fruit.
The fruit is not the words.
The fruit is what's growing.
The fruit is what is being produced,what the person is showing you.
(11:17):
That is what you need to pay attention to.
Okay. So again, why?
Why do you believe themand what should you believe
when there's a contradiction?
When a person has a track record of lying
continually to you,do you believe without proof?
(11:38):
Do you stake your future?
Do you stake anything important on that?
Those words without checking up,
without seeing that there's proofthat goes along with it.
As to requiring somebodywho's lying to you to show you
that they're not lying this time.
(11:59):
You've got to be wisein your relationships
when you're dealing with peoplewho are not being honest with you.
So watch the fruit.
The fruit is what you're going to get,
not empty promises.
The fruit.
That is what you will get nowand in the future.
(12:22):
Watch the fruit.
Thank you for
watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
I've got over 450 videos.
I've got studies, I've got booksthat I've written, including a 365 day,
difficult relationship devotionalthat people are absolutely loving.
So check out my resources on my website,ChangeMyRelationship.com
(12:47):
and I hope you'll come backand watch more videos.
Thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(13:08):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Why do you believe their lies?
Why do you believe their false promises?
Why do you believe the words
that tell you one thing?
When the actions tell you something else.
This is an important questionfor you to ask yourself
(00:42):
when you are in the relationshipwith somebody who lies.
Somebody who misleads you.
Somebody who says thingsand then does not follow through.
Somebody who is not keeping up
their end of the relationship,
and they're not doing what they need to do
to be healthy or to be accountable,or to be responsible
(01:07):
for following through with what they needto do to fix the relationship
or fix a problem that you have said
that you cannot live with, whatever it is.
Why do you believe them?
Why? The
first answer is you need to.
(01:28):
You need to believe what they saybecause you can't
face the opposite.
One of the reasons that I saidin a previous video
that people sometimes lie isbecause they're in denial.
They believe what they're saying.
They think that they can get sober.
They think that they won't lie again,or they won't do whatever it is
(01:53):
that they're doing thatthey're promising you that they'll stop.
They believe it.
Well, you have a need to believethat they're okay.
That they're not an addictor they're not abusive
or they're not lying to you,or they really are willing to work
on their relationshipand going to even though
(02:13):
their behavior shows you that they're not.
So the first one is you need to
you can't face the truth.
So you are choosing to allow yourself
to be misled by words that are not true.
And there's a part of you that knows it
(02:33):
but cannot come to terms with that.
The second reason is
that, you,
Couldn't and wouldn'tdo what they're doing.
So you desperately want to believethe best about people.
So you're choosing to be naiveand to think, well,
(02:55):
they don't couldn't really mean it.
Again, this is an excuse,
a rationalization that prevents youfrom having to deal with the truth.
But because you wouldn't do it,you are choosing to believe
that they really wouldn't do that.
That they didn't mean to.
That they didn't want to.
That they really are trying.
(03:17):
So you're putting yourself in their placeand thinking,
if I was in that situation,I would mean what I was saying.
I wouldn't be telling a lieeven if I had said
I'd do it before and I didn't do itthis time, I would be sincere.
So you're choosing to believethat that person is sincere.
(03:38):
The other one is
you're being Manipulated,and you just haven't figured it out.
You're still falling for it.
You're falling for the excuse.
You're falling for the personbeing incapable
or helpless or dependent,
or the fact that they really are trying,even though they're not,
(04:00):
or they're not an addictor they're not cheating on you,
or they're not a liar,or they really are trying to find a job,
even though they're notlooking at all your
being manipulated and you're not.
You don't get it.
And manipulation is simply somebodywho's either telling you what they
(04:20):
you want to hear to get what they want,or they're threatening you,
or they're misleading you, or they'repretending, or they're doing something
that is twisting
your desire, your will, your choice,
your viewpoint, your perception somehow
(04:41):
to get the end that they want to get,whatever it is that they want or need.
They're not asking you directly.
They're not saying,are you willing to do this?
Can I have this? Will you do this for me?
They're they'remanipulating your emotions.
They're manipulating your thoughtsor your mind or your will somehow
to get you to fall for itso that you will do it.
(05:04):
On the other one is you'rejust simply a really trusting person.
You don't ever
choose to not believe someone.
You'rejust going to trust. You're gullible.
That's not the nice way of saying it,but I'm going to say it.
You're gullible.
Okay, I know people that are gullible.
They just refuse to admitthat anyone can ever
(05:27):
have a malevolent motivationbehind anything.
So they believe everyone.
Everyone is honest.
Everyone is telling the truth.
And if they ever do fall for a lie,
these people will not admitthat they fell for a lie.
They'll make excuses. They'll
(05:48):
just rationalize.
The person wasn't lying.
The person was telling the truth.
This was really supposed to happen.
They'll just.
They won't say you're right.
I was lied to,I was manipulated, I was duped.
They're just not going to do it.
And the other reason is that you'rejust not ready to set a boundary, set
(06:08):
a boundary, and do what you need to dowith this particular problem
in the relationship.
So until then, you don't
you don't want to deal with it,so you're just going to believe it.
You're going to believe that persontelling you the truth that the problem
isn't really there, that everything's okayuntil you're strong enough
to set a boundary and deal with itin a way that protects you
(06:33):
in a way that keeps you from being lied toand manipulated,
and in a way that you're strong enoughto see the truth and,
be willing to deal with itand make a choice.
So really, honestly,when you're dealing with somebody
who's lying to you or their behaviordoes not match their words,
(06:57):
the question that you need to be asking
isn't, why are they misleading me?
It's why are you believing them
over and over and over and over?
Because you can't control them.
You can't keep them from lying to you,or making excuses or pretending
or saying all kinds of thingswith their words
(07:18):
to charm you,to mislead you, to misdirect you.
They're telling you
what you want to hear, telling youthey'll give you whatever it is.
And that is just purely manipulation.
It is purely, unhealthy.
But you gotta you gotta look at yourself.
Why are you believing them? Why?
(07:38):
When warning people about false prophets.
When Jesus was here on earth,
he told them, basically,they're going to come.
You're going to have them. There arepeople that are going to be unhealthy.
They're going to manipulate you.
They're going to tell you one thingand do another.
They're going to be here.
You have to pay attention.
(07:59):
You've got a simple test, and this is it.
You look at their fruit, okay?
You look at their behavior.
You say, your words are telling me this,but your behavior tells me this.
When I choose between words and behavior,when I have somebody who tells me over
and over that something's going to happenand it hasn't happened,
(08:19):
I've got to look at the track record.
I've got to look at the behavior.
When I have a choice,I listen not to the words.
I listen to the behaviorbecause the behavior tells you
what is truly in the person's heart.
It tells you what the person is doing.
Words can say anything.
Behavior is harder to change.
(08:41):
Behavior is
going to be the thing that givesthe person away.
It's going to tell the truth.
So you got to watch the behavior.
You can hear the words, butthen you pay attention to the behavior.
You say, what is the fruit?
Is this person bearing fruitin keeping with repentance?
Is this person doing what the person saidthey would do?
(09:04):
If the person says,and I get this all the time,
my partner tells me I want the marriage,I want the relationship.
I don't want to get a divorce.
I don't want to have a problem.I'll change.
And then the person refusesto go to counseling.
The person refuses to read a book.
The person refuses to have a conversation.
The person refuses to allow youto tell them
(09:27):
what behavior is hurtful to you.
Person refuses to be accountablefor their actions, gets angry, is
reactive, is blaming,
is defensive, and yet,oh no, oh, I want to.
I want everything to be better.I don't want a divorce.
So if youif you're going to think about separating,
(09:48):
if you're going to end the relationshipthat's on you, I'm trying.
I'm open. I'm willing.Those are the words.
What is the behavior?
The words. Easy, easy to say. I'm trying.
I'm I'm willing harder to do the hardwork, to go to the counselor,
to look at your behavior,to change your behavior,
to hear your partnertell you what's hurtful,
(10:11):
to hear your partner tell youwhat is wrong, what needs to change,
and to listen and have an open heartand be open to rebuke.
Open to correction.
Like all the Scriptures and Proverbstells us that a fool
does not take correction,but a wise man does.
A wise person hearscorrection and learns from it.
(10:35):
A fool does not.
So you have to basically figure out
what's the behavior.
Telling me behavior communicates a message
as strong or stronger than the words.
The words say one thing.
The behaviorcommunicates a message to you.
(10:56):
Words say, I'm going to changebehavior, says not changing.
Continuing down the same path.
Which do you believe?
Pay attention to the fruit.
The fruit is not the words.
The fruit is what's growing.
The fruit is what is being produced,what the person is showing you.
(11:17):
That is what you need to pay attention to.
Okay. So again, why?
Why do you believe themand what should you believe
when there's a contradiction?
When a person has a track record of lying
continually to you,do you believe without proof?
(11:38):
Do you stake your future?
Do you stake anything important on that?
Those words without checking up,
without seeing that there's proofthat goes along with it.
As to requiring somebodywho's lying to you to show you
that they're not lying this time.
(11:59):
You've got to be wisein your relationships
when you're dealing with peoplewho are not being honest with you.
So watch the fruit.
The fruit is what you're going to get,
not empty promises.
The fruit.
That is what you will get nowand in the future.
(12:22):
Watch the fruit.
Thank you for
watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
I've got over 450 videos.
I've got studies, I've got booksthat I've written, including a 365 day,
difficult relationship devotionalthat people are absolutely loving.
So check out my resources on my website,ChangeMyRelationship.com
(12:47):
and I hope you'll come backand watch more videos.
Thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(13:08):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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