January 17, 2023 • 22 mins
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Have you ever felt stuck in an emotion and not known how to process it?
This episode is about Processing stuck emotions and the obsessive thoughts that result. You will learn that when you keep ruminating on an event or person, it is often because there is something to learn, explore, release, or do differently.
To process these emotions, you need to create some space and breathe slowly and deeply for a length of time, then use a butterfly tap technique to surface any emotions.
It is important to come to this work with the mindset that it is happening for me, not against me, and if I still loop on these thoughts, I need to be disciplined with my thinking and create a different mental habit.
In this episode, you will learn the following:
1. What does it mean to "process an emotion," and why is it so hard to wrap our heads around?
2. How can we create space and use breathing techniques to release stuck emotions and obsessive thoughts?
3. What is the importance of approaching this work with the mindset that it is happening for us instead of against us?
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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear
Divorce Diary with my coach,dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, okay, i had alistener ask me recently about
their difficulty with not beingable to stop thinking about
their dickhead ex-husband Lookat me with the cursing right out
(00:51):
of the gate And having troublemoving on because they keep kind
of ruminating over you know allthe things, but especially then
the way that it ended right,and so this idea of I can't stop
thinking about it.
I want to, but I don't know how.
(01:11):
Is what we're talking abouttoday So good, right, okay, when
you can't stop thinking aboutit, there's a number of things
we want to do To dig into andpoke around about, to explore
the whys in the house.
When we're what I like to calllooping on a thing, it's because
(01:36):
there's something there for usto learn, explore, release, do
differently, expand, right.
So this conversation is aboutbeing able to kind of poke and
prod around your mind, body andfigure out the why behind the
loop.
So when you're looping aboutsomething painful, the first
(02:01):
thing I want us to explore is isthere stuck or blocked emotion
that needs to be processed orworked through?
Now, i have had many people overthe course of my career say but
what does it mean, don, toprocess an emotion?
(02:21):
What does it mean to release anemotion?
And I think that it makes a lotof sense that this is kind of a
hard thing for people to wraptheir head around.
So we're going to talk about alittle bit today and help you
have one of those releasingexperiences.
But have you ever had thismoment where you're like I know
(02:44):
I need to cry, but I can't cry,and then eventually the cry
comes and then you feel better.
It's like that, right, sometimesthings are stuck emotionally
inside of us and we sometimes weknow it and sometimes we don't
know it, and it's stuckness isblocking us from being able to
move forward.
As this listener said to me,right, i want to move forward.
(03:06):
So then we're like, okay, buthow do I get it to process
through?
How do I get it to move, and isit actually like a blockage in
a pipe.
Yes, it's actually like ablockage in a pipe.
Like, imagine, inside of yourbody energetically, there is a
literal blockage, and theexperience of life, the things
(03:27):
that are coming to you as aresult of this experience, can't
blow through you to completionbecause it's blocked off.
Now, why would emotion even getblocked off?
Oh, so so many reasons, andexactly how many reasons, and
the complexity of those reasonsto me is like beautiful and
elegant, but sometimes it'sblocked off because you don't
(03:50):
rest enough.
Sometimes it's blocked offbecause your body is lacking the
nutritional components that itneeds to be able to Detoxify
Energetically or emotionallyfrom your body.
You know how.
You know that your kidneys andyour liver detoxify your blood
and your urine and whatever.
(04:11):
Right, but there is so muchabout our body that is also
detoxifying energy and emotion,and if you didn't know, now you
know So.
So sometimes it's because youdon't have the rest needed to do
it.
Sometimes it's because youdon't have the nutrition needed
to do it.
Sometimes it's becauseEnvironmentally, maybe you don't
(04:32):
have enough support or enoughYeah, let's call it support,
right, there's not enoughsupport in your environment to
do it, and so It's just right.
There's so much about how wework through things that is
intentional, whether you know itor not.
Love like.
I Assure you that the complexityof our mind, body, spirit is so
(04:58):
on point That if that emotionisn't coming, or if you're
looping on what your ex sitterdidn't do, there is a reason and
It is going to come when youare ready.
So if you sense that You'rehearing me talk today and you're
like mmm, something's tellingme this is me, dawn dawns,
(05:19):
calling me out, i feel calledout.
I Have some emotion stucksomewhere in a tube and I don't
know what that means, but Ithink I need to process it
through right.
Then how do I do that, don?
so glad you asked.
So what I recommend that is sopowerful and so effective is
that you create some space.
(05:40):
If Now is that time, if rightnow, in this moment that you
were listening to this podcast,you have space, then go with it.
If now you've got your earbudsin but you're prepping dinner
for your kids at while trying toget their homework done, don't
go with it now.
Make a note to come back tothis later, when you have space
(06:01):
right.
So first things first, we got toKnow where we are in space and
time, so make some space, takecare of your body's needs,
meaning pee, eat, sleep rightand come to the space Fairly
hydrated and rested as best asyou can right, with some space,
(06:25):
and Then start breathing,breathing on the thing you've
been looping about that youcan't stop thinking about how it
hurt you, how wrong it was, howfucked up it was, and breathe
with it, and deep like that, andyou breathe with it slow and
(06:57):
deep for long enough, and deeplike that, and you breathe with
it slow and deep for long enoughThat something is going to
start to surface.
Now don't breathe slow and deepfor five cycles or 12 cycles
and say, don't, it isn't working.
Love, i need you to be morepatient than that.
(07:21):
I see you.
I need you to breathe Slow anddeep for maybe half the length
of a therapy session.
That's what I'm talking aboutFor maybe half the length of a
therapy session.
That would be good and right,because When things are stuck
(07:41):
and they need the space To beable to get unstuck, that's your
job is to create the space, andso what you're doing when
you're breathing slow and deepis you're relaxing everything.
So like, think about beingconstipated right and how
everything would be constrictedand tight and stuck.
When you breathe slow and deepfor long enough, eventually
(08:03):
Every little thing in your body,every cell in your body,
becomes open and available Torelease, which is a beautiful
thing.
Now We don't stop there.
You're gonna breathe so in deepas many cycles as it takes
while thinking about the thingyou've been looping on, and Then
, when you notice it starts tosurface, you cross your arms
(08:26):
over your chest like your likecrisscrossed, with one hand on
each shoulder, and then you dowhat's called a butterfly tap,
where you just tap left, right,left right, left right, left
right, and you just tap likethat as long as it feels right,
(08:48):
and then you stop and you seewhat comes up, and then you tap
some more and then you stop andyou see what comes up, and you
just go on like that until muchlike other times in your life or
in your children's life, wherewhatever it is that's surfacing
is complete or feels complete,and the reason we wanna make
(09:10):
space for it is because theremay be a lot in there.
When we're looping aboutsomething, there usually is a
lot in there.
The beautiful thing about whatI'm teaching you, though, is
this is such a thorough andcomplete way to deal with things
that when you do this work, asintense as it is, you will move
(09:33):
the needle dramatically.
It's like being the mostconstipated you've ever been and
having the best poop of yourlife emotionally.
Yes, i went there, and so itmay come with a lot of what
feels like distress, right, yes,feelings get big.
(09:55):
You're gonna have a lot ofupset thoughts and things like
that.
But let's go into the nextthing we need to explore to
understand how to stop loopingand get unstuck.
Now, when you are experiencingpainful feelings and you're
thinking distressing thoughtsand all of this shit is flowing
through you, it's reallyimportant that you keep this
(10:20):
thing in mind That all of thisis happening for you and not
against you.
And I cannot emphasize thisenough because when you do this
work with the idea that this ishappening against you, you will
(10:40):
feel worse, not better.
You will feel suffering and notrelief.
You will have probablynightmares and you will
experience dissociation and likehorribly painful things.
But if you do this work, if youcome to the slow, deep
(11:02):
breathing and you come to theemotional pooping with the
thought, with the thought thatthis is happening for you and
your job is to get the shit outof the pipe so that you can
better let in the good stuffthat's meant to come to you.
When you come to it with thatmindset, so much changes for the
(11:26):
better.
Everything changes for thebetter as you step along the
path right.
And I think this distinctionthat I'm making right here is
what often gets lost in therapyand other healing modalities.
There is a victim consciousnessthat is so prevalent in the
world where the world wants topity you.
(11:47):
You poor thing.
You shouldn't have to gothrough that, and I'm not here
for that, because this isn'tabout what you should or
shouldn't have to go throughThis.
Somehow, some way, love, you'vebeen praying for this.
You've been asking for this.
You've been asking for thingsto get better.
You've been asking for thingsto shift.
You have been asking to grow,to change, to have a better life
than the life that you hadeight minutes ago or eight years
(12:08):
ago.
And this moment that'sunfolding for you, you've been
praying for it.
Now you've got to decide.
Am I gonna trust the being towhich I pray Or am I going to
hold in my hands an insistencethat none of this is fair And
you will find people to supportyou either way.
You will find people that saythis is fucked, you shouldn't
(12:28):
have to be going through this,it's not fair.
And you will find people whosay screw that, that mindset is
holding you back.
You can go as far as you want,your life can get as good as you
want it to be.
The universe always has yourback.
Go with it.
I'm the latter.
I'm the latter.
I'm always going to say youwere built for magnificence.
You are pure magic.
This is happening for you, notagainst you.
(12:51):
So bring that mindset to thislooping space and notice how
that mindset creates somecuriosity.
So, you know, to our dearfriend who was looping about her
ex-husband and what he did ordidn't do on the night of their
(13:12):
disillusion, hearing I wonder, iwonder how all of that is
working out for her, because itis all working for her, in her
favor, and it's got somebeautiful organization to it And
I'm so curious what that is See.
(13:33):
So when we come to it from aplace of faith and trust and
belief that the price of my newlife is letting go of the old
one, the price of my new life isreleasing victim consciousness,
the price for all themagnificence that I daydream
about when it's three o'clock atwork And I'm like I can't do
(13:55):
this anymore.
Right, the price of all of that?
what you want is letting go ofthis old way.
So get really curious aboutwhat it's all about and how it's
all working together, becauseit's the most amazing puzzle.
And so that's the next keypiece about getting unstuck when
you're looping on painfulthoughts about a person or
(14:18):
people right Now.
The third thing we want toreally attend to when doing this
work to get unstuck, to stopobsessing over a particular
series of thoughts is if you'vecome to the work and you've
breathed so in deep and you'vebutterfly tapped or journaled or
(14:39):
EFT tapped or whatevermethodology you use to actually
have the emotional poop, andyou've come to the work with the
correct mindset that everythingis working out for you and you
still have the thoughts forsurface.
Great, me too.
It means we're successfullyhuman with monkey minds, right,
(15:04):
it means that the thoughts thatwe have are really habitual.
Right, our minds grab forfamiliar habits and patterns,
familiar content, familiar waysof thinking.
Changing our belief systemsreally boils down to changing
(15:25):
our thoughts, and changing ourthoughts means having some
fricking discipline around whatwe think and there is not much.
You do more in a day, maybebreathing, maybe your heart
pumping right, but those thingsare unconscious.
Then think You think more thanyou do anything in a day, and
(15:49):
the majority of the volume ofwhat you think is based on false
premises, based on flawedthoughts.
The majority of the thoughtsyou think are flawed, meaning
they can't be proven.
There's some error built intothem.
(16:10):
They're like if you put themunder a logic microscope they
would disintegrate, right?
So when you do this work andyou still loop, what then you
need to know is it's time tocreate some discipline around
(16:33):
what you think and why.
So first, i think it's useful tojust understand that the
majority of the thoughts wethink in a day are flawed, right
?
Because then I get reallycurious about well, i wonder
which ones are accurate andwhich ones are not, because that
might be helpful in how I movethrough my day and make my
decisions right.
So just by acknowledging that afraction of them are correct
(16:55):
and a fraction of them areincorrect makes me curious,
which makes me want to step backand observe them and sort them
And sorting thoughts isincredibly useful and when
you're sorting them, the onesthat are to do with this content
that you're kind of obsessedwith.
You have to get reallyintentional about changing the
(17:16):
channel and creating a differentmental trend.
Now you may say how I've triedand I can't and like I get that
right.
But maybe part of why you can'tis because you skipped steps
one and two, or maybe part ofwhy you can't is because you're
missing the motivation to do itin step three.
(17:39):
Let me say more.
So when I talk about motivation, everything that you want,
everything that you have beenpraying for, you have to open
yourself up to allow it in love.
And for you to allow it in, youhave to feel good.
Good things can't come to youin the way that you want them to
(18:02):
come when you're pinched offfrom love, when you are bitter,
when you are resentful.
Like, think about the people inyour life who are bitter and
resentful And think about dothey have rich lives with lots
of love and rich connection anddeep meaning, or do they seem
kind of isolated and bitter andsuffering a lot?
(18:24):
right, if you want all of yourprayers to be answered, your job
is to get happy, and I wouldguess that when you're looping
on the thoughts, you're notfeeling happy.
And so if you become themechanism for your prayers to be
(18:44):
answered, if it's not like well, did I pray enough?
and the fancy man in the sky isgonna deliver the things, cause
I was a good girl.
That's not it.
Right, that's somebody'sversion, but it's not it.
If you know that we attractwhat we are, then your job when
(19:05):
you're looping on the negative,dark thoughts is to say I can't
have what I desire if I don'tchange this mental habit.
Then you have some freakingmotivation to reach for a
happier thought.
Now, in the beginning this istricky And I sometimes recommend
(19:26):
people do kind of radicalthings to change the channel in
their mind when the loop happens.
And that's because at first thework it's kind of clunky, you
know.
So I said to someone just insession last week when they
found themselves looping on thethought to start singing happy
birthday And it was like silly,right.
But sometimes I think thesillier we make a thing, the
(19:48):
easier it is to get happy in themoment that they're trying to
switch off of a painful thought,right.
So if you're like, oh, myhusband is such a douchebag and
he did such a fucked up thing tome and oh, i'm doing that thing
to on-site not to do happybirthday to me.
It's like so silly you can'thelp but kind of chuckle to
yourself And so you can turn itinto however you wanna turn it
(20:10):
into, but all you have to do isget off that thought and onto a
different thought, preferably athought that makes you feel
really good, and when you'vebeen going through a really hard
time there's not always a lotof great thought menu options.
Many of them are painful Andyou've been making a lot of
(20:31):
negative predictions.
If this, then that probably youknow bad things are happening,
mm-mm, mm-mm.
We can't negatively predict andget happy.
They don't go together.
So then back to happy birthday,we go.
And so let's recap.
When you're looping mentally onsomething and you're struggling
(20:51):
to move forward, the first thingyou have to really understand
is there is very likely stuckemotion in there that needs to
be processed.
So make the space, use yourbreath, butterfly, tap until you
feel complete.
Make sure you do that with avery clear, convicted mindset
that this is happening for youand not against you, and then,
(21:14):
when the thoughts come back inthe future, sing happy birthday,
aka change the channel tosomething more joyful.
If you do these things, yourlife will dramatically change
Dramatically, i know.
It's already dramaticallychanged and it will dramatically
change for the better.
It will become all the thingsyou fantasized that were
(21:38):
possible from divorce.
And I know that many of you didnot choose this and you didn't
want it and you agonized over itor you got blindsided by it.
And still this all remains true.
You were built for greatnessand divinity and personal power
and well-being.
You were not built to sufferlove.
(21:59):
You were built for well-beingAnd I know that you're here for
a reason And I know that thisconversation was meant to be,
and if you have questions aboutthem, send them on.
I would love to answer yourquestions about making these
(22:19):
shifts happen.
I love you so much, peace.
["divorce Diary"].
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby My Coach John.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
["divorce Diary"].
Hi love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear
Divorce Diary with my coach,dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, okay, i had alistener ask me recently about
their difficulty with not beingable to stop thinking about
their dickhead ex-husband Lookat me with the cursing right out
(00:51):
of the gate And having troublemoving on because they keep kind
of ruminating over you know allthe things, but especially then
the way that it ended right,and so this idea of I can't stop
thinking about it.
I want to, but I don't know how.
(01:11):
Is what we're talking abouttoday So good, right, okay, when
you can't stop thinking aboutit, there's a number of things
we want to do To dig into andpoke around about, to explore
the whys in the house.
When we're what I like to calllooping on a thing, it's because
(01:36):
there's something there for usto learn, explore, release, do
differently, expand, right.
So this conversation is aboutbeing able to kind of poke and
prod around your mind, body andfigure out the why behind the
loop.
So when you're looping aboutsomething painful, the first
(02:01):
thing I want us to explore is isthere stuck or blocked emotion
that needs to be processed orworked through?
Now, i have had many people overthe course of my career say but
what does it mean, don, toprocess an emotion?
(02:21):
What does it mean to release anemotion?
And I think that it makes a lotof sense that this is kind of a
hard thing for people to wraptheir head around.
So we're going to talk about alittle bit today and help you
have one of those releasingexperiences.
But have you ever had thismoment where you're like I know
(02:44):
I need to cry, but I can't cry,and then eventually the cry
comes and then you feel better.
It's like that, right, sometimesthings are stuck emotionally
inside of us and we sometimes weknow it and sometimes we don't
know it, and it's stuckness isblocking us from being able to
move forward.
As this listener said to me,right, i want to move forward.
(03:06):
So then we're like, okay, buthow do I get it to process
through?
How do I get it to move, and isit actually like a blockage in
a pipe.
Yes, it's actually like ablockage in a pipe.
Like, imagine, inside of yourbody energetically, there is a
literal blockage, and theexperience of life, the things
(03:27):
that are coming to you as aresult of this experience, can't
blow through you to completionbecause it's blocked off.
Now, why would emotion even getblocked off?
Oh, so so many reasons, andexactly how many reasons, and
the complexity of those reasonsto me is like beautiful and
elegant, but sometimes it'sblocked off because you don't
(03:50):
rest enough.
Sometimes it's blocked offbecause your body is lacking the
nutritional components that itneeds to be able to Detoxify
Energetically or emotionallyfrom your body.
You know how.
You know that your kidneys andyour liver detoxify your blood
and your urine and whatever.
(04:11):
Right, but there is so muchabout our body that is also
detoxifying energy and emotion,and if you didn't know, now you
know So.
So sometimes it's because youdon't have the rest needed to do
it.
Sometimes it's because youdon't have the nutrition needed
to do it.
Sometimes it's becauseEnvironmentally, maybe you don't
(04:32):
have enough support or enoughYeah, let's call it support,
right, there's not enoughsupport in your environment to
do it, and so It's just right.
There's so much about how wework through things that is
intentional, whether you know itor not.
Love like.
I Assure you that the complexityof our mind, body, spirit is so
(04:58):
on point That if that emotionisn't coming, or if you're
looping on what your ex sitterdidn't do, there is a reason and
It is going to come when youare ready.
So if you sense that You'rehearing me talk today and you're
like mmm, something's tellingme this is me, dawn dawns,
(05:19):
calling me out, i feel calledout.
I Have some emotion stucksomewhere in a tube and I don't
know what that means, but Ithink I need to process it
through right.
Then how do I do that, don?
so glad you asked.
So what I recommend that is sopowerful and so effective is
that you create some space.
(05:40):
If Now is that time, if rightnow, in this moment that you
were listening to this podcast,you have space, then go with it.
If now you've got your earbudsin but you're prepping dinner
for your kids at while trying toget their homework done, don't
go with it now.
Make a note to come back tothis later, when you have space
(06:01):
right.
So first things first, we got toKnow where we are in space and
time, so make some space, takecare of your body's needs,
meaning pee, eat, sleep rightand come to the space Fairly
hydrated and rested as best asyou can right, with some space,
(06:25):
and Then start breathing,breathing on the thing you've
been looping about that youcan't stop thinking about how it
hurt you, how wrong it was, howfucked up it was, and breathe
with it, and deep like that, andyou breathe with it slow and
(06:57):
deep for long enough, and deeplike that, and you breathe with
it slow and deep for long enoughThat something is going to
start to surface.
Now don't breathe slow and deepfor five cycles or 12 cycles
and say, don't, it isn't working.
Love, i need you to be morepatient than that.
(07:21):
I see you.
I need you to breathe Slow anddeep for maybe half the length
of a therapy session.
That's what I'm talking aboutFor maybe half the length of a
therapy session.
That would be good and right,because When things are stuck
(07:41):
and they need the space To beable to get unstuck, that's your
job is to create the space, andso what you're doing when
you're breathing slow and deepis you're relaxing everything.
So like, think about beingconstipated right and how
everything would be constrictedand tight and stuck.
When you breathe slow and deepfor long enough, eventually
(08:03):
Every little thing in your body,every cell in your body,
becomes open and available Torelease, which is a beautiful
thing.
Now We don't stop there.
You're gonna breathe so in deepas many cycles as it takes
while thinking about the thingyou've been looping on, and Then
, when you notice it starts tosurface, you cross your arms
(08:26):
over your chest like your likecrisscrossed, with one hand on
each shoulder, and then you dowhat's called a butterfly tap,
where you just tap left, right,left right, left right, left
right, and you just tap likethat as long as it feels right,
(08:48):
and then you stop and you seewhat comes up, and then you tap
some more and then you stop andyou see what comes up, and you
just go on like that until muchlike other times in your life or
in your children's life, wherewhatever it is that's surfacing
is complete or feels complete,and the reason we wanna make
(09:10):
space for it is because theremay be a lot in there.
When we're looping aboutsomething, there usually is a
lot in there.
The beautiful thing about whatI'm teaching you, though, is
this is such a thorough andcomplete way to deal with things
that when you do this work, asintense as it is, you will move
(09:33):
the needle dramatically.
It's like being the mostconstipated you've ever been and
having the best poop of yourlife emotionally.
Yes, i went there, and so itmay come with a lot of what
feels like distress, right, yes,feelings get big.
(09:55):
You're gonna have a lot ofupset thoughts and things like
that.
But let's go into the nextthing we need to explore to
understand how to stop loopingand get unstuck.
Now, when you are experiencingpainful feelings and you're
thinking distressing thoughtsand all of this shit is flowing
through you, it's reallyimportant that you keep this
(10:20):
thing in mind That all of thisis happening for you and not
against you.
And I cannot emphasize thisenough because when you do this
work with the idea that this ishappening against you, you will
(10:40):
feel worse, not better.
You will feel suffering and notrelief.
You will have probablynightmares and you will
experience dissociation and likehorribly painful things.
But if you do this work, if youcome to the slow, deep
(11:02):
breathing and you come to theemotional pooping with the
thought, with the thought thatthis is happening for you and
your job is to get the shit outof the pipe so that you can
better let in the good stuffthat's meant to come to you.
When you come to it with thatmindset, so much changes for the
(11:26):
better.
Everything changes for thebetter as you step along the
path right.
And I think this distinctionthat I'm making right here is
what often gets lost in therapyand other healing modalities.
There is a victim consciousnessthat is so prevalent in the
world where the world wants topity you.
(11:47):
You poor thing.
You shouldn't have to gothrough that, and I'm not here
for that, because this isn'tabout what you should or
shouldn't have to go throughThis.
Somehow, some way, love, you'vebeen praying for this.
You've been asking for this.
You've been asking for thingsto get better.
You've been asking for thingsto shift.
You have been asking to grow,to change, to have a better life
than the life that you hadeight minutes ago or eight years
(12:08):
ago.
And this moment that'sunfolding for you, you've been
praying for it.
Now you've got to decide.
Am I gonna trust the being towhich I pray Or am I going to
hold in my hands an insistencethat none of this is fair And
you will find people to supportyou either way.
You will find people that saythis is fucked, you shouldn't
(12:28):
have to be going through this,it's not fair.
And you will find people whosay screw that, that mindset is
holding you back.
You can go as far as you want,your life can get as good as you
want it to be.
The universe always has yourback.
Go with it.
I'm the latter.
I'm the latter.
I'm always going to say youwere built for magnificence.
You are pure magic.
This is happening for you, notagainst you.
(12:51):
So bring that mindset to thislooping space and notice how
that mindset creates somecuriosity.
So, you know, to our dearfriend who was looping about her
ex-husband and what he did ordidn't do on the night of their
(13:12):
disillusion, hearing I wonder, iwonder how all of that is
working out for her, because itis all working for her, in her
favor, and it's got somebeautiful organization to it And
I'm so curious what that is See.
(13:33):
So when we come to it from aplace of faith and trust and
belief that the price of my newlife is letting go of the old
one, the price of my new life isreleasing victim consciousness,
the price for all themagnificence that I daydream
about when it's three o'clock atwork And I'm like I can't do
(13:55):
this anymore.
Right, the price of all of that?
what you want is letting go ofthis old way.
So get really curious aboutwhat it's all about and how it's
all working together, becauseit's the most amazing puzzle.
And so that's the next keypiece about getting unstuck when
you're looping on painfulthoughts about a person or
(14:18):
people right Now.
The third thing we want toreally attend to when doing this
work to get unstuck, to stopobsessing over a particular
series of thoughts is if you'vecome to the work and you've
breathed so in deep and you'vebutterfly tapped or journaled or
(14:39):
EFT tapped or whatevermethodology you use to actually
have the emotional poop, andyou've come to the work with the
correct mindset that everythingis working out for you and you
still have the thoughts forsurface.
Great, me too.
It means we're successfullyhuman with monkey minds, right,
(15:04):
it means that the thoughts thatwe have are really habitual.
Right, our minds grab forfamiliar habits and patterns,
familiar content, familiar waysof thinking.
Changing our belief systemsreally boils down to changing
(15:25):
our thoughts, and changing ourthoughts means having some
fricking discipline around whatwe think and there is not much.
You do more in a day, maybebreathing, maybe your heart
pumping right, but those thingsare unconscious.
Then think You think more thanyou do anything in a day, and
(15:49):
the majority of the volume ofwhat you think is based on false
premises, based on flawedthoughts.
The majority of the thoughtsyou think are flawed, meaning
they can't be proven.
There's some error built intothem.
(16:10):
They're like if you put themunder a logic microscope they
would disintegrate, right?
So when you do this work andyou still loop, what then you
need to know is it's time tocreate some discipline around
(16:33):
what you think and why.
So first, i think it's useful tojust understand that the
majority of the thoughts wethink in a day are flawed, right
?
Because then I get reallycurious about well, i wonder
which ones are accurate andwhich ones are not, because that
might be helpful in how I movethrough my day and make my
decisions right.
So just by acknowledging that afraction of them are correct
(16:55):
and a fraction of them areincorrect makes me curious,
which makes me want to step backand observe them and sort them
And sorting thoughts isincredibly useful and when
you're sorting them, the onesthat are to do with this content
that you're kind of obsessedwith.
You have to get reallyintentional about changing the
(17:16):
channel and creating a differentmental trend.
Now you may say how I've triedand I can't and like I get that
right.
But maybe part of why you can'tis because you skipped steps
one and two, or maybe part ofwhy you can't is because you're
missing the motivation to do itin step three.
(17:39):
Let me say more.
So when I talk about motivation, everything that you want,
everything that you have beenpraying for, you have to open
yourself up to allow it in love.
And for you to allow it in, youhave to feel good.
Good things can't come to youin the way that you want them to
(18:02):
come when you're pinched offfrom love, when you are bitter,
when you are resentful.
Like, think about the people inyour life who are bitter and
resentful And think about dothey have rich lives with lots
of love and rich connection anddeep meaning, or do they seem
kind of isolated and bitter andsuffering a lot?
(18:24):
right, if you want all of yourprayers to be answered, your job
is to get happy, and I wouldguess that when you're looping
on the thoughts, you're notfeeling happy.
And so if you become themechanism for your prayers to be
(18:44):
answered, if it's not like well, did I pray enough?
and the fancy man in the sky isgonna deliver the things, cause
I was a good girl.
That's not it.
Right, that's somebody'sversion, but it's not it.
If you know that we attractwhat we are, then your job when
(19:05):
you're looping on the negative,dark thoughts is to say I can't
have what I desire if I don'tchange this mental habit.
Then you have some freakingmotivation to reach for a
happier thought.
Now, in the beginning this istricky And I sometimes recommend
(19:26):
people do kind of radicalthings to change the channel in
their mind when the loop happens.
And that's because at first thework it's kind of clunky, you
know.
So I said to someone just insession last week when they
found themselves looping on thethought to start singing happy
birthday And it was like silly,right.
But sometimes I think thesillier we make a thing, the
(19:48):
easier it is to get happy in themoment that they're trying to
switch off of a painful thought,right.
So if you're like, oh, myhusband is such a douchebag and
he did such a fucked up thing tome and oh, i'm doing that thing
to on-site not to do happybirthday to me.
It's like so silly you can'thelp but kind of chuckle to
yourself And so you can turn itinto however you wanna turn it
(20:10):
into, but all you have to do isget off that thought and onto a
different thought, preferably athought that makes you feel
really good, and when you'vebeen going through a really hard
time there's not always a lotof great thought menu options.
Many of them are painful Andyou've been making a lot of
(20:31):
negative predictions.
If this, then that probably youknow bad things are happening,
mm-mm, mm-mm.
We can't negatively predict andget happy.
They don't go together.
So then back to happy birthday,we go.
And so let's recap.
When you're looping mentally onsomething and you're struggling
(20:51):
to move forward, the first thingyou have to really understand
is there is very likely stuckemotion in there that needs to
be processed.
So make the space, use yourbreath, butterfly, tap until you
feel complete.
Make sure you do that with avery clear, convicted mindset
that this is happening for youand not against you, and then,
(21:14):
when the thoughts come back inthe future, sing happy birthday,
aka change the channel tosomething more joyful.
If you do these things, yourlife will dramatically change
Dramatically, i know.
It's already dramaticallychanged and it will dramatically
change for the better.
It will become all the thingsyou fantasized that were
(21:38):
possible from divorce.
And I know that many of you didnot choose this and you didn't
want it and you agonized over itor you got blindsided by it.
And still this all remains true.
You were built for greatnessand divinity and personal power
and well-being.
You were not built to sufferlove.
(21:59):
You were built for well-beingAnd I know that you're here for
a reason And I know that thisconversation was meant to be,
and if you have questions aboutthem, send them on.
I would love to answer yourquestions about making these
(22:19):
shifts happen.
I love you so much, peace.
["divorce Diary"].
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby My Coach John.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
["divorce Diary"].
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