February 7, 2023 • 23 mins
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Trauma-informed therapists get dysregulated (super-stressed out) too! In this episode, I teach you what dysregulation is and how to tap into your mental health toolbox and find your way back to balance.
The morning of recording, I woke up feeling confused, upset, and weak. After a lot of reflection, I realized I was feeling dysregulated from:
1. Pushing out of my comfort zone a lot lately
2. Sress from my kid being sick, and
3. Feeling exposed to being seen in my mess.
I realized that the key to feeling regulated is to harness my thoughts, breathe deeply, and take small steps to take care of myself. I took a shower, went for a walk, and talked to a friend. With these steps, I felt clear-headed and ready to tackle the day.
In this episode, you will learn the following:
1. How your central nervous system works and how to use that knowledge to your advantage.
2. The psychological effects of divorce trauma and how you will resolve it.
3. The amaaaaaazing benefits of combining modern science and spirituality to achieve wellness!
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationswe've been longing to have about
(00:27):
this new life.
Hi, love, today we are talkingabout feeling confused, upset
and weak, and we're gonna do itthrough the storytelling lens of
(00:49):
me sharing with you my day sofar.
Isn't that fun.
I told you earlier this yearthat this is the year where I
embrace, going full out andsharing all of the bits and
pieces of me with you, so thatyou can see we really are all in
this together and we are allworking on the same things And a
(01:14):
lot of what we experience inlife.
The lessons they circle backaround and ideally, when they
circle back around, we'veleveled up so they're maybe a
little easier.
We move through them with asmoothness.
But the truth is is I know youbecause I am you, so let's dig
in.
So this morning I woke upfeeling confused, upset and weak
(01:41):
.
Now, those were not the wordsthat came to mind, but they are
the words that I figured out Ineeded to share with you.
The word that came to mind tome first thing this morning is
I'm really dysregulated.
Now, as a trauma informedtherapist, saying to myself I'm
(02:01):
really dysregulated makes a lotof sense, but then later in the
day, my husband told me thateven he doesn't know what I mean
when I say I'm reallydysregulated.
And then I was like, oh geez, ithought TikTok had solved this
for me.
I thought I thought the worldunderstood now what it means to
be dysregulated.
(02:22):
So my word for confused, upsetand weak is really central
nervous system dysregulated.
But we're gonna unpack all ofthat, okay, love.
So what was going on thismorning that I woke up that way?
Well, i think you'll relate toa lot of this.
I have definitely been pushingout of my comfort zone lately,
(02:44):
challenging myself to show updifferently in the world, and so
I feel exposed, i feel selfdoubt And I feel nervous
sometimes about how I'm carryingall of this newness into, how
(03:06):
I'm showing up.
And then life happens right.
So, as I'm sure you've heard memention, i struggle with I
shouldn't even say that I amalways healing in the body
especially.
So sometimes I'm really intouch with feeling discomfort in
(03:29):
my body due to some historicalhealth stuff, and so, you know,
that's been going on a littlelouder for the last couple of
months.
And then my kid got sick thisweekend And she, you know, is
running a pretty solid fever thelast couple of days.
And I've been embracing thishomeopathic journey where I'm
(03:50):
learning so much abouthomeopathy and its various
remedies, and so I startedtreating her for a fever with
homeopathic remedies, while alsoembracing the science of Advil.
And I love the combination ofthose two, because that is a
combination.
I have always celebrated, theblend of science and
(04:11):
spirituality.
And so this weekend I was kindof juggling all of that, like,
okay, i don't feel great, shedoesn't feel great, you know,
i'm learning something new, i'mdoing some things new, that's
all okay, i can handle it.
I'm home in my house with mypeople And there's no pressure
(04:32):
this weekend, right, well.
But this morning rolls aroundand at 6am she cruises into the
bedroom and she's full blownfever, and so, great, i can
handle that, i know what to do.
But now I've got to handle thatin addition to my day, my work
day, my own day, and suddenlyall this stuff came crashing
(04:57):
into my brain that I couldn'tfigure out how to manage and I
was like crap.
But it felt wobbly, it feltlike I was confused, it felt
like I was upset, it felt like Iwas exposed and weak.
And I really, once I got hermedicated and watching a great
(05:18):
show on Netflix, i could kind ofsit with myself for a bit,
figure out what is going on here.
You know, what's fascinating isthe thing that seemed to be
really tripping me up this iswild is my amazing cleaning crew
was coming to the house todayto clean the house and I felt
like, oh gosh, they're gonna seeus like.
(05:41):
This, isn't that interesting.
That that's the thing that kindof pushed me over the edge.
And then I was like I've got totalk to my loves today on the
pod and I've got to bring thisto them in a way that makes
sense for them, that helps themright, and so I've got to figure
out how to get this into amessage that makes sense for you
(06:04):
today.
And so it was this stuff aboutbeing seen in the mess that was
the tipping point in me feelingconfused, upset and weak, this
idea that I was exposed, that Iwas now going to be struggling
the struggle in front of each ofyou, and so, as I sat with that
(06:27):
and I breathed through that, iwas able to move into acceptance
, which we've been talking abouta bit here, right, releasing
the resistance in order to moveinto the solution.
And after I breathed with it fora while and found some
acceptance, the thought did popin Remember, don, everything is
(06:49):
okay.
There is a bigger picture here.
Let go of any of the worryabout getting it right or doing
it well, or what the peoplethink about you, whether or not
they like you or whether or notyou're pleasing them, because I
(07:09):
know my intention, i know myheart is pure, i know that my
job is to be so me, for you andfor me.
That that's it.
That's the whole story.
So, after all of that, i nolonger felt confused.
(07:35):
I knew what to do, i knew whatsteps to take in order to move
forward, and so let's talk abouthow you can do that in a
meaningful way when you'refeeling confused, upset and weak
, or what I would calldysregulated.
Let's start with what is yourcentral nervous system And what
(07:58):
do you mean?
dysregulated right?
So we all have this highwaythat runs from the base of our
spine and our tailbone up intoour brainstem, and it's the
highway that communicates all ofthe information that our brain
has, that our body has, back andforth between the brain and the
body.
It's called the central nervoussystem And pretty clever right,
(08:23):
and so there's constantfeedback going back and forth
between the brain and the bodyabout what is going on in the
brain and the body, and one ofthe key things that it's always
communicating about is safetyand security.
Safety and security.
(08:44):
Now, when the brain or the bodyperceive that it is not safe or
secure, it sets off alarm bellsin various ways, and you've
heard all of this before right,fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
You understand cortisol levelsand stress hormones and anxiety
(09:05):
and panic and right.
All of this is built into thebody in order to help us survive
and to keep us safe.
The thing is is that we'veevolved quite a bit since we
became equipped with the centralnervous system and, like OG,
humans needed this to know whenthe Tyrannosaur was chasing them
(09:25):
, for instance.
Right, and so anymore,typically, the Tyrannosaur isn't
chasing us and typically a lotof the feeling of not safe and
not secure, a lot of it, isbeing perpetuated by our own
(09:46):
thoughts.
Now, there are many of you whohave experienced really
dangerous situations, and maybesome of them were in your
marriage.
But the reality is is, oncethose are over and we are once
again safe, unless we do a goodjob of allowing the brain and
(10:07):
the body to circulate thatmessage consistently, then we
live in this hyper aroused placeof oh gosh, i'm not safe and
I'm not secure.
And so then that justperpetuates the thoughts about
the thing that made you feellike the Tyrannosaur was chasing
you, and it's like an endlessfeedback loop of danger.
Now, there are a lot of thingsthat we accidentally do that
(10:32):
keep us in this state of hyperarousal, or what I would call
dysregulation.
But what you know you mightrelate to as confused, upset or
weak, and some of those thingsare you know, running, like
running is, can be acute or yourcentral nervous system that
you're not safe.
Watching scary movies, watchingthe news forget about scary
(10:55):
movies.
Just watching the news is asign that you're not safe, right
?
Anything that is gonna causeyour adrenaline to spike
consistently is going to giveyour central nervous system the
cue that something dangerous ishappening.
So when you're getting intoconflict, that is not being
(11:18):
easily resolved or managed.
Well, when you are not sleepingenough, when you are not giving
your body the proper nutrition,when even, for instance, when I
go lift weights with Colleenyou've heard me talk about how
much I love it and, ps, i got achin-up PR on Friday last week,
(11:40):
super pumped about that but whenI push myself too hard in those
workouts and I don't restenough in between sets, that is
queuing my body that I'm notsafe because it's such high
volume activity.
There's certain stress hormonesthat get released.
So we it's about being able tobe in touch with that feedback
(12:00):
loop via the central nervoussystem that's happening between
the brain and the body andrecognizing the cues that say,
hey, something is going onAlright.
So that's the central nervoussystem.
When it's regulated, thingsfeel at ease, you feel safe, you
feel secure, you feelclear-headed, you can remember
(12:22):
that the universe has your back,you have some awareness, you're
maybe funny and you know, justlike on point right, you're just
like feeling it.
When you're not those things,there's a clue that your central
nervous system needs someregulation.
So how do we regulate thecentral nervous system?
(12:42):
Well, one of there are two mainways that I want you to hear.
And then there are so manyother ways and we talk about
this all the time.
I'm just kind of tying it up ina little bow for you here.
But the two main ways we canbegin to regulate the central
nervous system is to harness ourthoughts.
Are you thinking positivethings or are you thinking scary
(13:07):
things?
scary, upset things, right.
So first, harnessing yourthoughts and and pumping the
brakes there and saying likewhoa, whoa, whoa, what do my
thoughts sound like right now?
Let me shift into some positive, leaning thoughts.
Whatever's happening here ismanageable.
I can.
There's a solution here.
(13:27):
I am held by the universe.
Let me phone a friend, whatever, it is right that helps you,
take a beat and say oh wait,things may not be as bleak as
I'm feeling like they are rightnow.
Right, that's the first thing.
Harness your thoughts and shiftthe tone of your thoughts.
The second thing is your breathNow.
(13:51):
Check out your breath right now.
Is it expanded?
Is it deep?
Can it reach down into yourdiaphragm?
Can it fill up your whole chestor are you shallow breathing
Now?
just that chronic shallowbreathing is reinforcing that
(14:13):
message between your brain andyour body that you're not safe.
So our breath, when we take abig, deep breath with a slower
exhale, we are queuing thatdialogue between the brain and
(14:37):
the body that all is well.
And when we do that enoughtimes, paired with positive
thought, that's the good stuff.
Right there, right.
So then of course, the ancillarythings are when we're getting
enough rest and when our bodyhas the right nutrients, when
we're hugging right, when wesmell something good, when we
(15:02):
there's so many central nervoussystem hacks.
You know there's this nervecalled the vagus nerve that runs
in the central nervous systemthere and that's we don't need
to get into the whole thing, butbut you can access the vagus
nerve You've heard me say thisbefore by you know, running your
pinky finger inside your earcanal in little circles and it
tells your vagus nerve and your,which tells your central
(15:22):
nervous system Hey, we're okay.
Right, sitting outside with atree tells your body, hey, it's
safe.
The sun on your face tells yourbody, hey, it's safe.
There are so many things thatcan cue that, but the key is to
(15:42):
recognize when you'redysregulated so that you can
take some action steps to getregulated.
So what did I do this morningwhen I figured out I was
dysregulated, aka confused upsetweek, right, i said, okay, what
?
what do I need to do?
All right, i need tocommunicate with some people.
I need to email the teacher.
She's not coming in today.
I need to oh, ps producer Joyis out today because her kid's
(16:06):
sick too.
So that was right.
Another thing I need to getwith Joy, figure out how her
family's doing, let her know howmy family's doing, let her know
how my family's doing.
I need to get with Colleen andtell her I can't come work out
today.
I need to, you know, re-roll aplan for the, the podcast this
afternoon.
But first things first.
I need to get a shower, becausefor me, a shower is one of the
(16:29):
most central nervous systemregulating things I do.
So some deep breaths and ashower, and I knew I was gonna
come out way more grounded andable to tackle all this stuff.
Now, after some deep breaths ina shower, i grabbed my sick kid
and I said hey, let's go outfor a walk, a gentle walk
(16:50):
outside.
It's a sunny day here, eventhough it's winter, it's a sunny
day, and I knew that a gentlewalk was gonna further ground me
and I knew it was gonna helpmove the virus that she's
fighting through her lymphaticsystem and that was gonna help
her heal.
So I was like I am winning here, i get a walk buddy To help me
get grounded and regulated andto help her be well.
(17:12):
And you know, then I went aboutmy day, started checking some
things off of my list.
Checking things off your listhelps you get a little dopamine.
The walk, a little serotoninThese are all things that can
cue your central nervous system.
That all is well right.
I talked to a friend and askedfor help there and that was very
(17:34):
soothing.
It was like an long time friendwho just feels like home to
hear her voice.
And so one of the things Imentioned to her too is that
feeling of being exposed.
Today, as I was feeling wobblyand felt like it felt scary for
(17:56):
everyone to really see me wobbly, and she said, oh man, you know
, yes, we all need to hear thatRecord that one, dawn.
She said it's super relatableto her too.
And so If you've been watchingTikToks about central nervous
system regulation, dysregulation, one of my favorite people that
(18:20):
I follow, who talks a lot abouthow a regulated nervous system
is the key to so much healing,so much wellness, is Lindsay
Lockett.
I follow her on Instagram.
I'll definitely add her to theshow notes so that you can check
her out.
She does a lot of cool, um,cool courses and trainings about
(18:42):
how to regulate your centralnervous system Really really
powerful information.
Now, when you've had sometrauma, whether it's from this
marriage that you're recoveringfrom or from childhood, or
probably both, know that unlessyou're working through that
trauma to resolve it, like withsomething, for instance, like
(19:05):
EMDR, that trauma that's livingin your brain is also constantly
queuing to your central nervoussystem, that it's not safe.
And so, even when we learn allof the really valuable insights
about how to regulate, if thetrauma lives on locked in the
(19:25):
brainstem, not fully reprocessedor desensitized, you're kind of
not fully optimized becausethat content lives on in there,
telling telling your brain,which is telling your body,
which is telling your brain nope, it's not over yet.
Cause that's the thing abouttrauma, right Is?
(19:46):
it causes a portion of yourmind to feel frozen in the time
in which the trauma happened.
And so, while, while the traumais not still happening, the
brain keeps telling the body andthe body keeps telling the body
and the brain keeps telling thebody and the body keeps telling
the brain that it is becausethat trauma gets locked in a
room in the mind, and it doesthat so that we don't have to
(20:07):
feel the intensity of the thingthe whole time.
But this is why, um, remedieslike EMDR are so powerful And
even, as I'm learning, remedieslike homeopathy are so powerful,
because EMDR is unlocking thebrain part and the body part,
and the homeopathy is very muchunlocking the body part and then
(20:32):
the brain part.
Right, they, they're just socomplimentary of one another,
and I'm still kind of mind blownthat those two things were ever
siloed from each other, right?
How did we ever get bodymedicine and mind medicine and
spirit medicine?
Why are they?
why are they separate?
I'm here to bring them together, right?
That's part of what makes forreally whole and efficient
(20:53):
healing is healing at everylevel at once, because we are
mind, body, spirit beings, andso I'm really here for that.
So if you've been feelingconfused, upset and weak, i want
to first remind you that, love,you are okay.
You are okay, and what you'reexperiencing is really normal
(21:19):
conversation that your brain ishaving with your body, is having
with your brain And your.
Your best line of defense andoffense is to learn how to tap
into that communication that'shappening between your brain and
your body and to use it to youradvantage so that when you're
feeling dysregulated, you'relike I know what to do.
(21:40):
I know how to access thishighway that goes between my
brain and my body and tocommunicate it to it.
That that all as well.
So you know some of the things Iwas doing this weekend that was
making it worse.
I was complaining about someshit.
Yeah, i did that This weekend.
I was complaining about someold shit, and do you know that?
(22:03):
that was me not supporting mycentral nervous system, right?
Because I was talking about thethings that make a low
vibration, that tell the centralnervous system that something
bad was or is still happening.
So just know that.
This is why, ooh, i talk aboutventing sometimes.
I posted something to InstagramStories this week and y'all got
(22:25):
upset with me about why ventingin therapy isn't useful.
And this is it right, Becausewhen you vent in therapy and by
venting I mean like really kindof rehashing a thing over and
over again rather than gettinginto productivity When you
rehash a thing over and overagain, it's queuing that central
nervous system communicationresponse between the brain and
(22:47):
the body, that it's not over,that it's not safe, and so it's
really, really delicious to kindof let all of this click into
place and be like oh, oh.
The reason I feel so poorly isbecause I'm not hacking this
highway.
It goes between the brain andthe body.
Now I know you are getting thisand eating it up and it's
(23:10):
making sense, and so I amthrilled to have you start
applying some of these thingsand maybe even watching some
TikToks and are followingLindsay Lockett about all the
different ways you can queueyour central nervous system,
because there are so, so, somany, so find the ones that work
best for you.
I cannot wait to hear how it'sgoing.
I love you so much peace.
(23:37):
["my Coach John"].
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby My Coach John.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationswe've been longing to have about
(00:27):
this new life.
Hi, love, today we are talkingabout feeling confused, upset
and weak, and we're gonna do itthrough the storytelling lens of
(00:49):
me sharing with you my day sofar.
Isn't that fun.
I told you earlier this yearthat this is the year where I
embrace, going full out andsharing all of the bits and
pieces of me with you, so thatyou can see we really are all in
this together and we are allworking on the same things And a
(01:14):
lot of what we experience inlife.
The lessons they circle backaround and ideally, when they
circle back around, we'veleveled up so they're maybe a
little easier.
We move through them with asmoothness.
But the truth is is I know youbecause I am you, so let's dig
in.
So this morning I woke upfeeling confused, upset and weak
(01:41):
.
Now, those were not the wordsthat came to mind, but they are
the words that I figured out Ineeded to share with you.
The word that came to mind tome first thing this morning is
I'm really dysregulated.
Now, as a trauma informedtherapist, saying to myself I'm
(02:01):
really dysregulated makes a lotof sense, but then later in the
day, my husband told me thateven he doesn't know what I mean
when I say I'm reallydysregulated.
And then I was like, oh geez, ithought TikTok had solved this
for me.
I thought I thought the worldunderstood now what it means to
be dysregulated.
(02:22):
So my word for confused, upsetand weak is really central
nervous system dysregulated.
But we're gonna unpack all ofthat, okay, love.
So what was going on thismorning that I woke up that way?
Well, i think you'll relate toa lot of this.
I have definitely been pushingout of my comfort zone lately,
(02:44):
challenging myself to show updifferently in the world, and so
I feel exposed, i feel selfdoubt And I feel nervous
sometimes about how I'm carryingall of this newness into, how
(03:06):
I'm showing up.
And then life happens right.
So, as I'm sure you've heard memention, i struggle with I
shouldn't even say that I amalways healing in the body
especially.
So sometimes I'm really intouch with feeling discomfort in
(03:29):
my body due to some historicalhealth stuff, and so, you know,
that's been going on a littlelouder for the last couple of
months.
And then my kid got sick thisweekend And she, you know, is
running a pretty solid fever thelast couple of days.
And I've been embracing thishomeopathic journey where I'm
(03:50):
learning so much abouthomeopathy and its various
remedies, and so I startedtreating her for a fever with
homeopathic remedies, while alsoembracing the science of Advil.
And I love the combination ofthose two, because that is a
combination.
I have always celebrated, theblend of science and
(04:11):
spirituality.
And so this weekend I was kindof juggling all of that, like,
okay, i don't feel great, shedoesn't feel great, you know,
i'm learning something new, i'mdoing some things new, that's
all okay, i can handle it.
I'm home in my house with mypeople And there's no pressure
(04:32):
this weekend, right, well.
But this morning rolls aroundand at 6am she cruises into the
bedroom and she's full blownfever, and so, great, i can
handle that, i know what to do.
But now I've got to handle thatin addition to my day, my work
day, my own day, and suddenlyall this stuff came crashing
(04:57):
into my brain that I couldn'tfigure out how to manage and I
was like crap.
But it felt wobbly, it feltlike I was confused, it felt
like I was upset, it felt like Iwas exposed and weak.
And I really, once I got hermedicated and watching a great
(05:18):
show on Netflix, i could kind ofsit with myself for a bit,
figure out what is going on here.
You know, what's fascinating isthe thing that seemed to be
really tripping me up this iswild is my amazing cleaning crew
was coming to the house todayto clean the house and I felt
like, oh gosh, they're gonna seeus like.
(05:41):
This, isn't that interesting.
That that's the thing that kindof pushed me over the edge.
And then I was like I've got totalk to my loves today on the
pod and I've got to bring thisto them in a way that makes
sense for them, that helps themright, and so I've got to figure
out how to get this into amessage that makes sense for you
(06:04):
today.
And so it was this stuff aboutbeing seen in the mess that was
the tipping point in me feelingconfused, upset and weak, this
idea that I was exposed, that Iwas now going to be struggling
the struggle in front of each ofyou, and so, as I sat with that
(06:27):
and I breathed through that, iwas able to move into acceptance
, which we've been talking abouta bit here, right, releasing
the resistance in order to moveinto the solution.
And after I breathed with it fora while and found some
acceptance, the thought did popin Remember, don, everything is
(06:49):
okay.
There is a bigger picture here.
Let go of any of the worryabout getting it right or doing
it well, or what the peoplethink about you, whether or not
they like you or whether or notyou're pleasing them, because I
(07:09):
know my intention, i know myheart is pure, i know that my
job is to be so me, for you andfor me.
That that's it.
That's the whole story.
So, after all of that, i nolonger felt confused.
(07:35):
I knew what to do, i knew whatsteps to take in order to move
forward, and so let's talk abouthow you can do that in a
meaningful way when you'refeeling confused, upset and weak
, or what I would calldysregulated.
Let's start with what is yourcentral nervous system And what
(07:58):
do you mean?
dysregulated right?
So we all have this highwaythat runs from the base of our
spine and our tailbone up intoour brainstem, and it's the
highway that communicates all ofthe information that our brain
has, that our body has, back andforth between the brain and the
body.
It's called the central nervoussystem And pretty clever right,
(08:23):
and so there's constantfeedback going back and forth
between the brain and the bodyabout what is going on in the
brain and the body, and one ofthe key things that it's always
communicating about is safetyand security.
Safety and security.
(08:44):
Now, when the brain or the bodyperceive that it is not safe or
secure, it sets off alarm bellsin various ways, and you've
heard all of this before right,fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
You understand cortisol levelsand stress hormones and anxiety
(09:05):
and panic and right.
All of this is built into thebody in order to help us survive
and to keep us safe.
The thing is is that we'veevolved quite a bit since we
became equipped with the centralnervous system and, like OG,
humans needed this to know whenthe Tyrannosaur was chasing them
(09:25):
, for instance.
Right, and so anymore,typically, the Tyrannosaur isn't
chasing us and typically a lotof the feeling of not safe and
not secure, a lot of it, isbeing perpetuated by our own
(09:46):
thoughts.
Now, there are many of you whohave experienced really
dangerous situations, and maybesome of them were in your
marriage.
But the reality is is, oncethose are over and we are once
again safe, unless we do a goodjob of allowing the brain and
(10:07):
the body to circulate thatmessage consistently, then we
live in this hyper aroused placeof oh gosh, i'm not safe and
I'm not secure.
And so then that justperpetuates the thoughts about
the thing that made you feellike the Tyrannosaur was chasing
you, and it's like an endlessfeedback loop of danger.
Now, there are a lot of thingsthat we accidentally do that
(10:32):
keep us in this state of hyperarousal, or what I would call
dysregulation.
But what you know you mightrelate to as confused, upset or
weak, and some of those thingsare you know, running, like
running is, can be acute or yourcentral nervous system that
you're not safe.
Watching scary movies, watchingthe news forget about scary
(10:55):
movies.
Just watching the news is asign that you're not safe, right
?
Anything that is gonna causeyour adrenaline to spike
consistently is going to giveyour central nervous system the
cue that something dangerous ishappening.
So when you're getting intoconflict, that is not being
(11:18):
easily resolved or managed.
Well, when you are not sleepingenough, when you are not giving
your body the proper nutrition,when even, for instance, when I
go lift weights with Colleenyou've heard me talk about how
much I love it and, ps, i got achin-up PR on Friday last week,
(11:40):
super pumped about that but whenI push myself too hard in those
workouts and I don't restenough in between sets, that is
queuing my body that I'm notsafe because it's such high
volume activity.
There's certain stress hormonesthat get released.
So we it's about being able tobe in touch with that feedback
(12:00):
loop via the central nervoussystem that's happening between
the brain and the body andrecognizing the cues that say,
hey, something is going onAlright.
So that's the central nervoussystem.
When it's regulated, thingsfeel at ease, you feel safe, you
feel secure, you feelclear-headed, you can remember
(12:22):
that the universe has your back,you have some awareness, you're
maybe funny and you know, justlike on point right, you're just
like feeling it.
When you're not those things,there's a clue that your central
nervous system needs someregulation.
So how do we regulate thecentral nervous system?
(12:42):
Well, one of there are two mainways that I want you to hear.
And then there are so manyother ways and we talk about
this all the time.
I'm just kind of tying it up ina little bow for you here.
But the two main ways we canbegin to regulate the central
nervous system is to harness ourthoughts.
Are you thinking positivethings or are you thinking scary
(13:07):
things?
scary, upset things, right.
So first, harnessing yourthoughts and and pumping the
brakes there and saying likewhoa, whoa, whoa, what do my
thoughts sound like right now?
Let me shift into some positive, leaning thoughts.
Whatever's happening here ismanageable.
I can.
There's a solution here.
(13:27):
I am held by the universe.
Let me phone a friend, whatever, it is right that helps you,
take a beat and say oh wait,things may not be as bleak as
I'm feeling like they are rightnow.
Right, that's the first thing.
Harness your thoughts and shiftthe tone of your thoughts.
The second thing is your breathNow.
(13:51):
Check out your breath right now.
Is it expanded?
Is it deep?
Can it reach down into yourdiaphragm?
Can it fill up your whole chestor are you shallow breathing
Now?
just that chronic shallowbreathing is reinforcing that
(14:13):
message between your brain andyour body that you're not safe.
So our breath, when we take abig, deep breath with a slower
exhale, we are queuing thatdialogue between the brain and
(14:37):
the body that all is well.
And when we do that enoughtimes, paired with positive
thought, that's the good stuff.
Right there, right.
So then of course, the ancillarythings are when we're getting
enough rest and when our bodyhas the right nutrients, when
we're hugging right, when wesmell something good, when we
(15:02):
there's so many central nervoussystem hacks.
You know there's this nervecalled the vagus nerve that runs
in the central nervous systemthere and that's we don't need
to get into the whole thing, butbut you can access the vagus
nerve You've heard me say thisbefore by you know, running your
pinky finger inside your earcanal in little circles and it
tells your vagus nerve and your,which tells your central
(15:22):
nervous system Hey, we're okay.
Right, sitting outside with atree tells your body, hey, it's
safe.
The sun on your face tells yourbody, hey, it's safe.
There are so many things thatcan cue that, but the key is to
(15:42):
recognize when you'redysregulated so that you can
take some action steps to getregulated.
So what did I do this morningwhen I figured out I was
dysregulated, aka confused upsetweek, right, i said, okay, what
?
what do I need to do?
All right, i need tocommunicate with some people.
I need to email the teacher.
She's not coming in today.
I need to oh, ps producer Joyis out today because her kid's
(16:06):
sick too.
So that was right.
Another thing I need to getwith Joy, figure out how her
family's doing, let her know howmy family's doing, let her know
how my family's doing.
I need to get with Colleen andtell her I can't come work out
today.
I need to, you know, re-roll aplan for the, the podcast this
afternoon.
But first things first.
I need to get a shower, becausefor me, a shower is one of the
(16:29):
most central nervous systemregulating things I do.
So some deep breaths and ashower, and I knew I was gonna
come out way more grounded andable to tackle all this stuff.
Now, after some deep breaths ina shower, i grabbed my sick kid
and I said hey, let's go outfor a walk, a gentle walk
(16:50):
outside.
It's a sunny day here, eventhough it's winter, it's a sunny
day, and I knew that a gentlewalk was gonna further ground me
and I knew it was gonna helpmove the virus that she's
fighting through her lymphaticsystem and that was gonna help
her heal.
So I was like I am winning here, i get a walk buddy To help me
get grounded and regulated andto help her be well.
(17:12):
And you know, then I went aboutmy day, started checking some
things off of my list.
Checking things off your listhelps you get a little dopamine.
The walk, a little serotoninThese are all things that can
cue your central nervous system.
That all is well right.
I talked to a friend and askedfor help there and that was very
(17:34):
soothing.
It was like an long time friendwho just feels like home to
hear her voice.
And so one of the things Imentioned to her too is that
feeling of being exposed.
Today, as I was feeling wobblyand felt like it felt scary for
(17:56):
everyone to really see me wobbly, and she said, oh man, you know
, yes, we all need to hear thatRecord that one, dawn.
She said it's super relatableto her too.
And so If you've been watchingTikToks about central nervous
system regulation, dysregulation, one of my favorite people that
(18:20):
I follow, who talks a lot abouthow a regulated nervous system
is the key to so much healing,so much wellness, is Lindsay
Lockett.
I follow her on Instagram.
I'll definitely add her to theshow notes so that you can check
her out.
She does a lot of cool, um,cool courses and trainings about
(18:42):
how to regulate your centralnervous system Really really
powerful information.
Now, when you've had sometrauma, whether it's from this
marriage that you're recoveringfrom or from childhood, or
probably both, know that unlessyou're working through that
trauma to resolve it, like withsomething, for instance, like
(19:05):
EMDR, that trauma that's livingin your brain is also constantly
queuing to your central nervoussystem, that it's not safe.
And so, even when we learn allof the really valuable insights
about how to regulate, if thetrauma lives on locked in the
(19:25):
brainstem, not fully reprocessedor desensitized, you're kind of
not fully optimized becausethat content lives on in there,
telling telling your brain,which is telling your body,
which is telling your brain nope, it's not over yet.
Cause that's the thing abouttrauma, right Is?
(19:46):
it causes a portion of yourmind to feel frozen in the time
in which the trauma happened.
And so, while, while the traumais not still happening, the
brain keeps telling the body andthe body keeps telling the body
and the brain keeps telling thebody and the body keeps telling
the brain that it is becausethat trauma gets locked in a
room in the mind, and it doesthat so that we don't have to
(20:07):
feel the intensity of the thingthe whole time.
But this is why, um, remedieslike EMDR are so powerful And
even, as I'm learning, remedieslike homeopathy are so powerful,
because EMDR is unlocking thebrain part and the body part,
and the homeopathy is very muchunlocking the body part and then
(20:32):
the brain part.
Right, they, they're just socomplimentary of one another,
and I'm still kind of mind blownthat those two things were ever
siloed from each other, right?
How did we ever get bodymedicine and mind medicine and
spirit medicine?
Why are they?
why are they separate?
I'm here to bring them together, right?
That's part of what makes forreally whole and efficient
(20:53):
healing is healing at everylevel at once, because we are
mind, body, spirit beings, andso I'm really here for that.
So if you've been feelingconfused, upset and weak, i want
to first remind you that, love,you are okay.
You are okay, and what you'reexperiencing is really normal
(21:19):
conversation that your brain ishaving with your body, is having
with your brain And your.
Your best line of defense andoffense is to learn how to tap
into that communication that'shappening between your brain and
your body and to use it to youradvantage so that when you're
feeling dysregulated, you'relike I know what to do.
(21:40):
I know how to access thishighway that goes between my
brain and my body and tocommunicate it to it.
That that all as well.
So you know some of the things Iwas doing this weekend that was
making it worse.
I was complaining about someshit.
Yeah, i did that This weekend.
I was complaining about someold shit, and do you know that?
(22:03):
that was me not supporting mycentral nervous system, right?
Because I was talking about thethings that make a low
vibration, that tell the centralnervous system that something
bad was or is still happening.
So just know that.
This is why, ooh, i talk aboutventing sometimes.
I posted something to InstagramStories this week and y'all got
(22:25):
upset with me about why ventingin therapy isn't useful.
And this is it right, Becausewhen you vent in therapy and by
venting I mean like really kindof rehashing a thing over and
over again rather than gettinginto productivity When you
rehash a thing over and overagain, it's queuing that central
nervous system communicationresponse between the brain and
(22:47):
the body, that it's not over,that it's not safe, and so it's
really, really delicious to kindof let all of this click into
place and be like oh, oh.
The reason I feel so poorly isbecause I'm not hacking this
highway.
It goes between the brain andthe body.
Now I know you are getting thisand eating it up and it's
(23:10):
making sense, and so I amthrilled to have you start
applying some of these thingsand maybe even watching some
TikToks and are followingLindsay Lockett about all the
different ways you can queueyour central nervous system,
because there are so, so, somany, so find the ones that work
best for you.
I cannot wait to hear how it'sgoing.
I love you so much peace.
(23:37):
["my Coach John"].
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby My Coach John.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
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