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Happy Valentine's Day, love! It's time to learn how to overcome your urge to be right and your fear of being wrong in order to cultivate your oxytocin-based happiness. To find peace and break free from the cycle of self-abandonment...listen to this episode! You will learn how oxytocin, the 'love hormone', affects our relationships and emotions.
Oxytocin is the love hormone and is the key to owning our own happiness and peace. It is virtually impossible to care about being right and also be deeply happy. The need for and the receiving of external validation may temporarily shift you out of anxiety but the brain chemical released is: dopamine...the chemical of never enough. Instead, cultivating oxytocin through activities such as snuggling, creating, spending time with people you love, practicing kindness and compassion, and using psychoactive psychedelics can help promote oxytocin and make it possible to own your peace and happiness rather than borrowing it from other people.
"It is virtually impossible to care about being right and to also be deeply happy."
In this episode, you will learn the following:
1. Discover the chemical key to sustainable peace and joy: oxytocin.
2. Explore how the urge to be right and the fear of being wrong leads to self abandonment.
3. Uncover how to switch from dopamine to oxytocin for self-love.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationswe've been longing to have about
(00:27):
this new life.
Hi, love, it is Valentine's Dayand girl, oh girl, do we have
an episode for you?
This is definitely gonna be theepisode all about love, but not
(00:50):
in a way you've probably everheard it before and I cannot
wait to unpack it all with you.
So Valentine's Day, supercommercialized, all about love
that's a bunch of nonsense.
Right about getting us to spendmoney and fit into some ritual
(01:10):
that serves no one.
It's not even fun to go out todinner on Valentine's Day.
The restaurants are slammed andlike there's nothing real.
I've never really enjoyedValentine's Day.
Do I have a trauma from a highschool boyfriend to do with it?
Sure, i'll cop to that, but Ihave never really kind of come
around to like cherishingValentine's Day and I think it's
(01:33):
because that really is not.
It's not an authentic, alignedcelebration of love In an
authentic, aligned celebrationof love.
Every day truly is Valentine'sDay, and so, while you're
feeling some type of way today,love I get it.
(01:54):
But let's solve for that,because at the end of our time
together, i want you to befeeling very different about
today and where today is headed,deal.
All right, let's talk about howoften we struggle with the urge,
(02:17):
the visceral, palpable,tangible, energetic craving to
be right and maybe, moreimportantly, to not want to be
wrong.
Right.
So maybe you can play with thata little bit.
Is it that you really want tobe right or is that you're
(02:38):
terrified to be wrong?
Notice the difference betweenthose subtle energetic
difference.
Right, and so there is so muchabout the urge to be right or
the fear of being wrong that istanking your joy.
It is virtually impossible tocare about being right and to be
(03:07):
deeply happy.
Sure, maybe you can have somemoments of joy, but I'm talking
about deep, peaceful sense ofsecure well-being, happiness.
It is virtually impossible tocare about being right and to be
(03:28):
deeply happy.
So what do we do about that?
Because so much of how we movethrough life is in a way where
we're constantly kind of sorting, all day long, our thoughts,
our feelings, our choices, ourrelationships, our interactions
with people into the category ofright or wrong, and we do that
(03:54):
because it is woven into kind ofour culture and society.
So we have governmental legallaws, we have religious laws.
Then we have our social laws ofetiquette how to act and how
not to act.
There was so much in myInstagram news feed this weekend
(04:17):
about I think it was like theNew Yorker or something like
that.
I probably got it wrong, butthat was teaching us in this
kind of new era that we're inwhat's right and wrong from an
etiquette perspective abouttipping and ghosting and dating,
and it was just so interestingto read like because you could
go buy a bottle of water from astand and they're going to ask
(04:41):
for a tip on the bottle of water.
Do I have?
is it proper etiquette to tipor not tip on a bottle of water?
Right?
So there's all these rules inlife and we're constantly
sorting.
Is that right or wrong?
right thought, wrong, thoughtright, feeling, wrong, feeling
right.
Was I right or wrong in thatinteraction is am I right or is
he right?
He's wrong, right, you're alonetoday, on Valentine's Day, and
(05:02):
it must be because he's wrong,and that is so much of why
you're ginned up today, becauseyou're feeling like today is a
point of just sharper sufferingand it must be most likely
because he's wrong and you'reright And that feels like shit.
But as long as you are chasingthat kind of binary way of
(05:25):
viewing life, you will not feelsustainable, deep peace or
happiness.
Now there is some interestinginformation out there about how
our brains function with thisactivated right wrong thing
(05:45):
going on.
Did you know that you cannotsimultaneously be in a state of
anxiety and a state ofrelaxation?
Now that may sound reallyobvious like thank you, captain,
obvious Don, but take a momentto sit with that.
You cannot simultaneously be ina state of anxiety and a state
(06:06):
of relaxation.
Now we are going to talk moreon the podcast about the role
regulating our central nervoussystem has in whether or not we
are in a state of relaxation oranxiety.
Because, love, it is nobody'sresponsibility but yours to
(06:26):
regulate your social centralnervous system and to notice
whether or not you are in astate of anxiety or relaxation.
And now I want you to thinkabout, when you are sifting and
sorting through life and you'reusing this kind of binary
measurement of right or wrong?
what is going on?
Are you in a state of anxietyor are you in a state of
(06:50):
relaxation?
And, more importantly, do younotice that when you feel
validated around, being right,does that help you shift out of
anxiety into relaxation?
temporarily?
Temporarily is the key.
(07:11):
We rely heavily on validationfrom outside sources to move us
from anxiety into relaxation.
But the thing of it is is untilwe figure out how to do it all
from inside, we can never ownour own happiness and peace
(07:31):
Right.
We're always leasing it fromthe next person's validation.
It's like we can't ever justown it.
No matter what It's like, ibetter have somebody nearby who
can tell me if I'm OK or if I'mright or if I'm wrong, in order
to feel that state of relaxation.
Otherwise, the anxiety creepsback up.
But wouldn't it be better Like,think about, like, owning your
(07:53):
home outright, no mortgage, norent, no monthly payment.
What kind of piece would youhave if you owned your home
outright, versus if you had toconstantly pay a monthly fee,
you know, via the price ofneeding something from the
outside in order to feelhappiness or peace?
This episode is all aboutlearning how to own that
happiness and peace.
(08:14):
Now, when you are in thatsifting and sorting and you're
feeling the urge to be right,notice there's an internal
tension that comes up.
That internal tension, love isthe same as the same as the same
thing.
Love is the activation of selfabandonment.
(08:36):
And self abandonment is theopposite of being your own
Valentine or feeling feelings oflove.
Right, when we abandonourselves, when we abandon the
truth of what we're experiencing, of what we know, of where we
are in our own development, ofwho we are, and when we start to
(08:59):
consider that who we are or howwe're experiencing something is
wrong or bad, we are abandoningourselves.
And when you take the bait andyou abandon yourself in exchange
for honoring where you are in aprocess or who you are as a
person, that activates thatexperience of anxiety, of
(09:24):
tension, of feeling like, ofshame, of guilt.
Right, all of a sudden there'sthis whole nervous system
dysregulation process.
That is just the first dominohas fallen And more often than
not, we opt for some attempt atpleasing both them, whoever they
(09:51):
are, and ourselves.
Right, it is not real to be ableto abandon yourself to please
someone else and please yourselfat the same time.
That is not actually compromise, right?
Compromise is a beautiful thing.
But compromise is when you arestill staying true to yourself.
(10:13):
You're not abandoning some veryreal need or expression of your
own right.
You know that line from SweetHome Alabama the movie I
freaking love it where the dadsays to Reese, her character
says well, darling, you can'tride two horses with one ass,
right.
You can't be people-pleasingand honoring the truth and not
(10:39):
abandoning yourself.
You cannot be people-pleasingand not abandoning yourself.
People-pleasing is an act ofself-abandonment.
So let's tie this all backtogether.
Right, when you need to be rightversus wrong.
You are activating this anxietyversus relaxation.
You are activating thisinternal tension of of am I okay
(11:03):
?
What do I need to do to getokay?
And you're often abandoningyourself in order to satisfy
somebody else, so that you canget the hit of validation, so
that you can move from anxietyto relaxation.
But all of that is garbagebecause it's all renting your
happiness from somebody else.
And so where do we need toshift?
(11:25):
Well, so glad you asked.
All of that needing avalidation in order to feel okay
, in order to feel like you'reright, is actually a dopamine
hit.
So we know that trauma,including divorce trauma,
obviously early childhood trauma, you name it right We get a
dopamine hit from repeatingtrauma patterns.
(11:46):
Did you know that?
We know that we get a dopaminehit from eating chocolate, from
scrolling on Instagram, fromdrinking the wine, from you know
all that feel-good chemicalstuff that is kind of numbing,
that relieves the anxiety reallyquickly.
That's all that really numbingdopamine stuff.
Oh, i feel anxious.
(12:06):
Somebody validates me, i get afeel-good hit and now I can move
into relaxation, but, like wesaid, it's temporary.
So how do we switch fromdopamine in the brain in order
to feel relaxed to somethingmore sustainable where you can
never suffer again onValentine's Day?
(12:27):
The answer love is oxytocin, andI know you know that chemical
because it is the love hormone,and I know you love the love
hormone.
You crave the love hormone.
It's the thing that when you'realone in bed and you just wanna
snuggle someone, that's thecraving you're longing for.
(12:47):
When you look at your puppy theway I look at Lilaput when you
look at your children, when youare falling in love, when you're
feeling bonded, all of that isoxytocin and it is so freaking
delicious.
And the key is to cultivateoxytocin within you, between you
(13:12):
and you.
So when everybody talks aboutself-love and that feels
confusing, let's boil it down tothe chemical of oxytocin,
because I can teach you how topromote oxytocin in your own
brain and body.
Does that feel easier If I justsay, hey love, here's this list
(13:35):
of things to do in order topromote oxytocin, and then you
will be less critical ofyourself, you will feel less
internal tension, you will feelless like you have to abandon
yourself and please other people.
If you cultivate this oxytocinhormone and stop chasing the
dopamine hustle, most of ourbrains in our kind of really
(14:03):
technological age are toggling alot between the dopamine hit
and the amygdala, which is thealmond shape part of the brain
inside of our emotionalprocessing system, the limbic
system.
And the amygdala is that kindof primal fight, flight, freeze,
all of the really basic humanemotions anger, rage, fear,
(14:25):
right.
We toggle very, very muchbetween the amygdala activation
trauma causes the amygdala to beon overdrive.
It actually can cause it togrow and be overstimulated and
then dopamine, and most of usdon't realize that those are the
two states that we're togglingbetween central nervous system,
(14:48):
hypersensitivity,hyperactivation, amygdala
activation or dopamine to selfsoothe.
And I just want you to take amoment to reflect on that and
realize how much that isprobably activated in your
existence And to truly get tostates of relaxation, sense of
wellbeing, sense of security inthe world.
We talk a lot about the toolsto doing that EMDR and EFT,
(15:13):
tapping and meditation and yoga,body movement, getting outside
vitamin D, spirituality, a senseof well-being through
connecting with that higherpower that lives inside of you
all the time and listening forthat voice.
But notice how much of our timewe spend toggling between those
other two states versuspromoting this third way, this
(15:36):
relaxation way that comes from aplace where you own your real
estate of peace and joy.
So now oxytocin is the lovebonding chemical And that is how
I want you to spend thisValentine's Day is saying like
I'm going to claim my happiness,my peace, my love, real estate,
(15:58):
and I'm going to do as manyoxytocin oriented activities
that I can today On Valentine'sDay, to me, with me, for me and
PS probably other beings toobecause oxytocin is a bonding,
it's a bonding hormone.
So you're not going to do thisjust with yourself, but
primarily noticing that this isgoing to come from you to you,
(16:19):
with you and the people that youlove that are available to you
today.
So think about activities thatinvolve bonding.
So every time I'm postingLilaput the puppy on stories on
Instagram, it's because I'mfeeling oxytocin.
Right, i just look at her andI'm feeling oxytocin.
(16:40):
So all that bonding right.
When, in a post divorce world,i focus so much on having
popover friends popover friends,my popover friends, were
friends where I could just popover and climb in bed with them.
That's all oxytocin love, right.
When you, when one of yourfavorite parts of the day is
(17:03):
snuggling with your kids andwatching something on Netflix,
that's oxytocin activation.
When you are creating, thinkabout this.
When you are creating whetheryou are, because you love doing
it, preparing a meal for yourfamily not when it's like 8pm
(17:24):
after soccer practice and you'regrinding it out and you're
exhausted that's not what I mean.
I mean like when it's Sundayafternoon and you've got a glass
of Chardonnay and Frank Sinatraplaying.
Now you know what our Sundayslook like sometimes, right, and
you're preparing a meal for yourfamily, that's oxytocin.
When you are painting orplaying music or writing or
(17:50):
journaling sometimes, or writing, what do you love to create?
When you're quilting, when youhave a friend who's been
crocheting, when you arecreating something, love, you
are in flow, you are connectedwith your inner being.
That is self-love and it'soxytocin When you are activated
(18:14):
in kindness and compassion.
So what are the things in lifewhere you feel that sense of
compassion for someone else,something else, right, whether
it's rescuing the animals orit's picking nails up off the
ground?
I'm going to show you how.
Producer Joy does this onInstagram stories later today,
which is really last week.
Time is not real.
(18:34):
When you're doing somethingthat has you tapped into
kindness and compassion, that'soxytocin.
What is good is oxytocinbecause that's in that realm of
kindness and compassion.
Now, yoga and meditation andprobably EFT tapping if I had to
(18:56):
really think about it arethings that allow us to tap into
kindness, compassion, oxytocin.
They're very self-caring Whenwe are in the positive cognition
part of EMDR that is absolutelybuilding in kindness and
compassion and oxytocin into ourconsciousness.
(19:16):
So huge chunks of our healingmodalities are driving at
cultivating oxytocin.
Now, interestingly enough, i didsomething last year that I have
never talked about on the podthat I am fixing to tell you
about.
That boosted oxytocin for meand it was a game changer and
(19:39):
it's why, all of a sudden, lawof Attraction was able to
resonate with me more.
So last summer I worked with ashaman directly to have her
supervise me using mushroomsmagic mushrooms and I did a
several hour experience with herwhere I used mushrooms to help
(20:01):
facilitate healing from traumaand a deepening of my sense of
wellbeing.
Now there is a strong linkbetween all of those
psychoactive, psychedelicproperties, whether it's MDMA
meaning ecstasy, or psilocybinor right and oxytocin.
(20:23):
So, oh, look at that, all ofthe research we're seeing come
out about how mushrooms or thosetypes of treatments can help
with trauma and anxiety.
Because, remember we said inthe beginning of this episode,
you can't be in anxiety andrelaxation at the same time, and
relaxation is really, at itscore, oxytocin, and those types
(20:48):
of treatments promote oxytocin.
Oh, look at that, that is fancystuff.
Now, i grew up in a highlycritical environment where being
right was not an option for me,right It was just.
Everything was always right orwrong and I typically wasn't the
right thing.
And so maybe, if you can relateto being in a highly critical
(21:10):
environment, whether it was whenyou were young or it was in
your marriage or it's in yourown brain PS, if the critic is
in your brain, it came from.
You were taught that right.
So when we have this reallyactive inner critic.
The solution to that isoxytocin, is loving eyes, loving
eyes, and so whatever we can doto promote that sense of
(21:36):
relaxation, to move the needleon criticism, because being in
that, in critical spaces, isthat somebody, somebody really
needing to be right or to not bewrong.
So just notice that any criticalenvironments that are still
(21:58):
going on currently in your liferight, if you have girlfriends
that are highly critical orfamily that's highly critical or
a boss that's highly critical,just notice that that is going
to be counteracting yournecessary oxytocin And it's
gonna be activating all of thatanxiety stuff.
(22:19):
I want you to think about thetimes in your life where you are
able to see other beingsthrough deeply loving eyes.
So whether that's someone youhave been in love with, it's a
family member, it's a pet, itdoesn't matter, but I want you
(22:43):
to find those loving eyes andhow it feels to embody loving
eyes And I want you to practiceseeing yourself, especially in
the places where you feel shameor you feel anxious or you feel
(23:05):
unworthy or you feel some typeof way, through loving eyes.
I know there are many placeswhere we are encouraged to feel
shame and to feel wrong or bad,but I want you to notice that
the true healers throughout thecourse of time, throughout the
(23:27):
ages I don't care how far backthrough history you look the
true healers that have beenwritten about that we still
celebrate and study today.
They did not use criticism love.
They looked at people throughtheir own eyes and through their
, through the eyes of love, andsaw only their greatness.
(23:50):
The most powerful healersthrough the course of history
did not use criticism, they usedlove.
They tapped in to oxytocin, andthat is our lesson Today, on
(24:11):
Valentine's Day and every day inbetween.
Each Valentine's Day, it is ourcalling to heal ourselves
through loving eyes and to knowthat each time you do it, you
are getting an oxytocin hit andyou are no longer relying on
(24:36):
dopamine or something outside ofyou to heal you.
All of healing comes fromremoving the energy blockages
that have come as a result ofcriticism, self rejection.
You are worthy of love andbelonging and I am so grateful
that you are here and I want youto know that you belong here
(24:56):
with me and me with you.
I love you so much.
Yes, i will be your Valentine.
The Divorce Diary Dear DivorceDiary is a podcast by My Coach,
john.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationswe've been longing to have about
(00:27):
this new life.
Hi, love, it is Valentine's Dayand girl, oh girl, do we have
an episode for you?
This is definitely gonna be theepisode all about love, but not
(00:50):
in a way you've probably everheard it before and I cannot
wait to unpack it all with you.
So Valentine's Day, supercommercialized, all about love
that's a bunch of nonsense.
Right about getting us to spendmoney and fit into some ritual
(01:10):
that serves no one.
It's not even fun to go out todinner on Valentine's Day.
The restaurants are slammed andlike there's nothing real.
I've never really enjoyedValentine's Day.
Do I have a trauma from a highschool boyfriend to do with it?
Sure, i'll cop to that, but Ihave never really kind of come
around to like cherishingValentine's Day and I think it's
(01:33):
because that really is not.
It's not an authentic, alignedcelebration of love In an
authentic, aligned celebrationof love.
Every day truly is Valentine'sDay, and so, while you're
feeling some type of way today,love I get it.
(01:54):
But let's solve for that,because at the end of our time
together, i want you to befeeling very different about
today and where today is headed,deal.
All right, let's talk about howoften we struggle with the urge,
(02:17):
the visceral, palpable,tangible, energetic craving to
be right and maybe, moreimportantly, to not want to be
wrong.
Right.
So maybe you can play with thata little bit.
Is it that you really want tobe right or is that you're
(02:38):
terrified to be wrong?
Notice the difference betweenthose subtle energetic
difference.
Right, and so there is so muchabout the urge to be right or
the fear of being wrong that istanking your joy.
It is virtually impossible tocare about being right and to be
(03:07):
deeply happy.
Sure, maybe you can have somemoments of joy, but I'm talking
about deep, peaceful sense ofsecure well-being, happiness.
It is virtually impossible tocare about being right and to be
(03:28):
deeply happy.
So what do we do about that?
Because so much of how we movethrough life is in a way where
we're constantly kind of sorting, all day long, our thoughts,
our feelings, our choices, ourrelationships, our interactions
with people into the category ofright or wrong, and we do that
(03:54):
because it is woven into kind ofour culture and society.
So we have governmental legallaws, we have religious laws.
Then we have our social laws ofetiquette how to act and how
not to act.
There was so much in myInstagram news feed this weekend
(04:17):
about I think it was like theNew Yorker or something like
that.
I probably got it wrong, butthat was teaching us in this
kind of new era that we're inwhat's right and wrong from an
etiquette perspective abouttipping and ghosting and dating,
and it was just so interestingto read like because you could
go buy a bottle of water from astand and they're going to ask
(04:41):
for a tip on the bottle of water.
Do I have?
is it proper etiquette to tipor not tip on a bottle of water?
Right?
So there's all these rules inlife and we're constantly
sorting.
Is that right or wrong?
right thought, wrong, thoughtright, feeling, wrong, feeling
right.
Was I right or wrong in thatinteraction is am I right or is
he right?
He's wrong, right, you're alonetoday, on Valentine's Day, and
(05:02):
it must be because he's wrong,and that is so much of why
you're ginned up today, becauseyou're feeling like today is a
point of just sharper sufferingand it must be most likely
because he's wrong and you'reright And that feels like shit.
But as long as you are chasingthat kind of binary way of
(05:25):
viewing life, you will not feelsustainable, deep peace or
happiness.
Now there is some interestinginformation out there about how
our brains function with thisactivated right wrong thing
(05:45):
going on.
Did you know that you cannotsimultaneously be in a state of
anxiety and a state ofrelaxation?
Now that may sound reallyobvious like thank you, captain,
obvious Don, but take a momentto sit with that.
You cannot simultaneously be ina state of anxiety and a state
(06:06):
of relaxation.
Now we are going to talk moreon the podcast about the role
regulating our central nervoussystem has in whether or not we
are in a state of relaxation oranxiety.
Because, love, it is nobody'sresponsibility but yours to
(06:26):
regulate your social centralnervous system and to notice
whether or not you are in astate of anxiety or relaxation.
And now I want you to thinkabout, when you are sifting and
sorting through life and you'reusing this kind of binary
measurement of right or wrong?
what is going on?
Are you in a state of anxietyor are you in a state of
(06:50):
relaxation?
And, more importantly, do younotice that when you feel
validated around, being right,does that help you shift out of
anxiety into relaxation?
temporarily?
Temporarily is the key.
(07:11):
We rely heavily on validationfrom outside sources to move us
from anxiety into relaxation.
But the thing of it is is untilwe figure out how to do it all
from inside, we can never ownour own happiness and peace
(07:31):
Right.
We're always leasing it fromthe next person's validation.
It's like we can't ever justown it.
No matter what It's like, ibetter have somebody nearby who
can tell me if I'm OK or if I'mright or if I'm wrong, in order
to feel that state of relaxation.
Otherwise, the anxiety creepsback up.
But wouldn't it be better Like,think about, like, owning your
(07:53):
home outright, no mortgage, norent, no monthly payment.
What kind of piece would youhave if you owned your home
outright, versus if you had toconstantly pay a monthly fee,
you know, via the price ofneeding something from the
outside in order to feelhappiness or peace?
This episode is all aboutlearning how to own that
happiness and peace.
(08:14):
Now, when you are in thatsifting and sorting and you're
feeling the urge to be right,notice there's an internal
tension that comes up.
That internal tension, love isthe same as the same as the same
thing.
Love is the activation of selfabandonment.
(08:36):
And self abandonment is theopposite of being your own
Valentine or feeling feelings oflove.
Right, when we abandonourselves, when we abandon the
truth of what we're experiencing, of what we know, of where we
are in our own development, ofwho we are, and when we start to
(08:59):
consider that who we are or howwe're experiencing something is
wrong or bad, we are abandoningourselves.
And when you take the bait andyou abandon yourself in exchange
for honoring where you are in aprocess or who you are as a
person, that activates thatexperience of anxiety, of
(09:24):
tension, of feeling like, ofshame, of guilt.
Right, all of a sudden there'sthis whole nervous system
dysregulation process.
That is just the first dominohas fallen And more often than
not, we opt for some attempt atpleasing both them, whoever they
(09:51):
are, and ourselves.
Right, it is not real to be ableto abandon yourself to please
someone else and please yourselfat the same time.
That is not actually compromise, right?
Compromise is a beautiful thing.
But compromise is when you arestill staying true to yourself.
(10:13):
You're not abandoning some veryreal need or expression of your
own right.
You know that line from SweetHome Alabama the movie I
freaking love it where the dadsays to Reese, her character
says well, darling, you can'tride two horses with one ass,
right.
You can't be people-pleasingand honoring the truth and not
(10:39):
abandoning yourself.
You cannot be people-pleasingand not abandoning yourself.
People-pleasing is an act ofself-abandonment.
So let's tie this all backtogether.
Right, when you need to be rightversus wrong.
You are activating this anxietyversus relaxation.
You are activating thisinternal tension of of am I okay
(11:03):
?
What do I need to do to getokay?
And you're often abandoningyourself in order to satisfy
somebody else, so that you canget the hit of validation, so
that you can move from anxietyto relaxation.
But all of that is garbagebecause it's all renting your
happiness from somebody else.
And so where do we need toshift?
(11:25):
Well, so glad you asked.
All of that needing avalidation in order to feel okay
, in order to feel like you'reright, is actually a dopamine
hit.
So we know that trauma,including divorce trauma,
obviously early childhood trauma, you name it right We get a
dopamine hit from repeatingtrauma patterns.
(11:46):
Did you know that?
We know that we get a dopaminehit from eating chocolate, from
scrolling on Instagram, fromdrinking the wine, from you know
all that feel-good chemicalstuff that is kind of numbing,
that relieves the anxiety reallyquickly.
That's all that really numbingdopamine stuff.
Oh, i feel anxious.
(12:06):
Somebody validates me, i get afeel-good hit and now I can move
into relaxation, but, like wesaid, it's temporary.
So how do we switch fromdopamine in the brain in order
to feel relaxed to somethingmore sustainable where you can
never suffer again onValentine's Day?
(12:27):
The answer love is oxytocin, andI know you know that chemical
because it is the love hormone,and I know you love the love
hormone.
You crave the love hormone.
It's the thing that when you'realone in bed and you just wanna
snuggle someone, that's thecraving you're longing for.
(12:47):
When you look at your puppy theway I look at Lilaput when you
look at your children, when youare falling in love, when you're
feeling bonded, all of that isoxytocin and it is so freaking
delicious.
And the key is to cultivateoxytocin within you, between you
(13:12):
and you.
So when everybody talks aboutself-love and that feels
confusing, let's boil it down tothe chemical of oxytocin,
because I can teach you how topromote oxytocin in your own
brain and body.
Does that feel easier If I justsay, hey love, here's this list
(13:35):
of things to do in order topromote oxytocin, and then you
will be less critical ofyourself, you will feel less
internal tension, you will feelless like you have to abandon
yourself and please other people.
If you cultivate this oxytocinhormone and stop chasing the
dopamine hustle, most of ourbrains in our kind of really
(14:03):
technological age are toggling alot between the dopamine hit
and the amygdala, which is thealmond shape part of the brain
inside of our emotionalprocessing system, the limbic
system.
And the amygdala is that kindof primal fight, flight, freeze,
all of the really basic humanemotions anger, rage, fear,
(14:25):
right.
We toggle very, very muchbetween the amygdala activation
trauma causes the amygdala to beon overdrive.
It actually can cause it togrow and be overstimulated and
then dopamine, and most of usdon't realize that those are the
two states that we're togglingbetween central nervous system,
(14:48):
hypersensitivity,hyperactivation, amygdala
activation or dopamine to selfsoothe.
And I just want you to take amoment to reflect on that and
realize how much that isprobably activated in your
existence And to truly get tostates of relaxation, sense of
wellbeing, sense of security inthe world.
We talk a lot about the toolsto doing that EMDR and EFT,
(15:13):
tapping and meditation and yoga,body movement, getting outside
vitamin D, spirituality, a senseof well-being through
connecting with that higherpower that lives inside of you
all the time and listening forthat voice.
But notice how much of our timewe spend toggling between those
other two states versuspromoting this third way, this
(15:36):
relaxation way that comes from aplace where you own your real
estate of peace and joy.
So now oxytocin is the lovebonding chemical And that is how
I want you to spend thisValentine's Day is saying like
I'm going to claim my happiness,my peace, my love, real estate,
(15:58):
and I'm going to do as manyoxytocin oriented activities
that I can today On Valentine'sDay, to me, with me, for me and
PS probably other beings toobecause oxytocin is a bonding,
it's a bonding hormone.
So you're not going to do thisjust with yourself, but
primarily noticing that this isgoing to come from you to you,
(16:19):
with you and the people that youlove that are available to you
today.
So think about activities thatinvolve bonding.
So every time I'm postingLilaput the puppy on stories on
Instagram, it's because I'mfeeling oxytocin.
Right, i just look at her andI'm feeling oxytocin.
(16:40):
So all that bonding right.
When, in a post divorce world,i focus so much on having
popover friends popover friends,my popover friends, were
friends where I could just popover and climb in bed with them.
That's all oxytocin love, right.
When you, when one of yourfavorite parts of the day is
(17:03):
snuggling with your kids andwatching something on Netflix,
that's oxytocin activation.
When you are creating, thinkabout this.
When you are creating whetheryou are, because you love doing
it, preparing a meal for yourfamily not when it's like 8pm
(17:24):
after soccer practice and you'regrinding it out and you're
exhausted that's not what I mean.
I mean like when it's Sundayafternoon and you've got a glass
of Chardonnay and Frank Sinatraplaying.
Now you know what our Sundayslook like sometimes, right, and
you're preparing a meal for yourfamily, that's oxytocin.
When you are painting orplaying music or writing or
(17:50):
journaling sometimes, or writing, what do you love to create?
When you're quilting, when youhave a friend who's been
crocheting, when you arecreating something, love, you
are in flow, you are connectedwith your inner being.
That is self-love and it'soxytocin When you are activated
(18:14):
in kindness and compassion.
So what are the things in lifewhere you feel that sense of
compassion for someone else,something else, right, whether
it's rescuing the animals orit's picking nails up off the
ground?
I'm going to show you how.
Producer Joy does this onInstagram stories later today,
which is really last week.
Time is not real.
(18:34):
When you're doing somethingthat has you tapped into
kindness and compassion, that'soxytocin.
What is good is oxytocinbecause that's in that realm of
kindness and compassion.
Now, yoga and meditation andprobably EFT tapping if I had to
(18:56):
really think about it arethings that allow us to tap into
kindness, compassion, oxytocin.
They're very self-caring Whenwe are in the positive cognition
part of EMDR that is absolutelybuilding in kindness and
compassion and oxytocin into ourconsciousness.
(19:16):
So huge chunks of our healingmodalities are driving at
cultivating oxytocin.
Now, interestingly enough, i didsomething last year that I have
never talked about on the podthat I am fixing to tell you
about.
That boosted oxytocin for meand it was a game changer and
(19:39):
it's why, all of a sudden, lawof Attraction was able to
resonate with me more.
So last summer I worked with ashaman directly to have her
supervise me using mushroomsmagic mushrooms and I did a
several hour experience with herwhere I used mushrooms to help
(20:01):
facilitate healing from traumaand a deepening of my sense of
wellbeing.
Now there is a strong linkbetween all of those
psychoactive, psychedelicproperties, whether it's MDMA
meaning ecstasy, or psilocybinor right and oxytocin.
(20:23):
So, oh, look at that, all ofthe research we're seeing come
out about how mushrooms or thosetypes of treatments can help
with trauma and anxiety.
Because, remember we said inthe beginning of this episode,
you can't be in anxiety andrelaxation at the same time, and
relaxation is really, at itscore, oxytocin, and those types
(20:48):
of treatments promote oxytocin.
Oh, look at that, that is fancystuff.
Now, i grew up in a highlycritical environment where being
right was not an option for me,right It was just.
Everything was always right orwrong and I typically wasn't the
right thing.
And so maybe, if you can relateto being in a highly critical
(21:10):
environment, whether it was whenyou were young or it was in
your marriage or it's in yourown brain PS, if the critic is
in your brain, it came from.
You were taught that right.
So when we have this reallyactive inner critic.
The solution to that isoxytocin, is loving eyes, loving
eyes, and so whatever we can doto promote that sense of
(21:36):
relaxation, to move the needleon criticism, because being in
that, in critical spaces, isthat somebody, somebody really
needing to be right or to not bewrong.
So just notice that any criticalenvironments that are still
(21:58):
going on currently in your liferight, if you have girlfriends
that are highly critical orfamily that's highly critical or
a boss that's highly critical,just notice that that is going
to be counteracting yournecessary oxytocin And it's
gonna be activating all of thatanxiety stuff.
(22:19):
I want you to think about thetimes in your life where you are
able to see other beingsthrough deeply loving eyes.
So whether that's someone youhave been in love with, it's a
family member, it's a pet, itdoesn't matter, but I want you
(22:43):
to find those loving eyes andhow it feels to embody loving
eyes And I want you to practiceseeing yourself, especially in
the places where you feel shameor you feel anxious or you feel
(23:05):
unworthy or you feel some typeof way, through loving eyes.
I know there are many placeswhere we are encouraged to feel
shame and to feel wrong or bad,but I want you to notice that
the true healers throughout thecourse of time, throughout the
(23:27):
ages I don't care how far backthrough history you look the
true healers that have beenwritten about that we still
celebrate and study today.
They did not use criticism love.
They looked at people throughtheir own eyes and through their
, through the eyes of love, andsaw only their greatness.
(23:50):
The most powerful healersthrough the course of history
did not use criticism, they usedlove.
They tapped in to oxytocin, andthat is our lesson Today, on
(24:11):
Valentine's Day and every day inbetween.
Each Valentine's Day, it is ourcalling to heal ourselves
through loving eyes and to knowthat each time you do it, you
are getting an oxytocin hit andyou are no longer relying on
(24:36):
dopamine or something outside ofyou to heal you.
All of healing comes fromremoving the energy blockages
that have come as a result ofcriticism, self rejection.
You are worthy of love andbelonging and I am so grateful
that you are here and I want youto know that you belong here
(24:56):
with me and me with you.
I love you so much.
Yes, i will be your Valentine.
The Divorce Diary Dear DivorceDiary is a podcast by My Coach,
john.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
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