April 11, 2023 • 29 mins
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If you're feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of generational divorce trauma and the difficult legacy you are trying to break (despite all your efforts to heal) then you are not alone!
*Cue Tissues* In the latest episode I share my experiences as an adult child of divorce, telling my story of healing from the generational trauma associated with my parent's divorce (and shitty marriage). I discuss the struggles I faced in recovering from their baggage, which proved to be more challenging than recovering from my own divorce (read: attachment style problems).
Through my journey, I highlight the significance of breaking the cycle of generational trauma to create lasting, powerful legacies. My goal is for you to embark on your own healing journey and take control of your life, ultimately changing the narrative for yourself AND future generations.
In this episode, you will be able to:
•Explore the effects of parental divorce on adult children's mental health.
•Delve into healing generational trauma and breaking painful relationship cycles.
•Master the art of setting emotional and mental boundaries for your well-being
•Discover how to recognize self-worth and cultivate healthy relationship patterns.
•Uncover the secret to balancing personal growth with play, joy, and amusement.
The nuances of your story matter because the nuances of your story are part of your specific magic. - Dawn Wiggins
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, love, this is Dawn, and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationsyou've been longing to have
(00:27):
about this new life.
Hi, love, today is a big dealbecause today we are talking
about adult children of divorce,and this topic is the topic
(00:51):
that I'm actually stillrecovering from, and so much of
what I share with you today isgoing to come straight from my
story and my journey, and ismuch of why I have chosen to
(01:13):
focus much of my career path onrecovering from divorce, because
I, in many ways, am stillrecovering, not necessarily from
divorce, but from thegenerational traumas that led to
(01:35):
my parents divorce when I was17 years old And how I have
spent my lifetime healing fromthose traumas, and in some ways,
i'm still doing that, and sothis episode is deeply personal.
It will be probably some of themost specific storytelling I've
(01:58):
ever done, and if you relate tobeing adult child of divorce
meaning your parents gotdivorced when you were older, or
if you have children who areadults or who are becoming
adults and you are divorced,this is an opportunity for you
(02:20):
to kind of get inside your kidsheads.
And if neither of those thingsapply to you, but you are
realizing that you have sometraumas to heal from Love, this
is a beautiful place to be.
We are just gonna have a reallyrich discussion on generational
(02:44):
trauma that happens to involvedivorce, which is part of your
story.
So thank you for being here,thank you for sending me all
sorts of loving vibes, and let'sjust dig into the good stuff.
So I am an adult child ofdivorce and my parents' marriage
(03:05):
and subsequent divorce hasdefinitely been the larger
trauma for me to recover fromthan my own divorce ever was.
Now, if you've heard any of thedivorce statistics and I would
guess you've heard plenty youknow that if your parents got
divorced, there's a lot higherprobability of becoming divorced
(03:26):
, which is my case And unlessthere is something that
interrupts, that cycle increasesthe likelihood of your children
getting divorced.
And if you don't interrupt, thecycle have a much higher
probability of you gettingremarried and getting divorced a
second and or third and orfourth time.
(03:48):
So all paths point to oh, it'stime to heal.
It's time to heal.
And as I was prepping for thisepisode, it's like, yes, this
episode really is about healinggenerational trauma, and it's a
funny thing.
It's like I don't know how oldyou are.
(04:09):
I am 42 today And today is notmy birthday.
I just mean, like, as of now, iam 42.
And something about thisgeneration I would say for those
who are maybe upwards of 10years older than me or for sure
younger than me, it just seemsto be that we are born into a
(04:32):
season of existence where it isour responsibility to interrupt
and heal generational trauma.
That is the responsibility wewere born into And it's exciting
because we have this ability tochange the future and to create
such powerful legacies.
But it is a lot ofresponsibility And we're gonna
(04:55):
talk about how to ease thatresponsibility later on in the
pod, but just wanna validatethat for you.
If you're feeling that crunchof that sandwich generation
where we're just feeling like wehave to juggle all the things
in such a big way, that is superreal.
So for me, being an adult childof divorce was incredibly
(05:18):
painful, and what was funnyabout that is I begged my
parents to get divorced foryears And for whatever reason.
That didn't happen until I was17.
And when I was 17, there weremany aspects of them getting
divorced that were a relief tome because, namely, the violence
(05:40):
and the amount of fear that Ilived in was coming to an end,
right, those explosions thatwould happen that were so
terrifying, the cold silences,the abandonment, like all that
stuff was gonna come to an end.
But unfortunately, there was atthat time in my life no
(06:03):
container for me to heal fromall of the years I spent in a
family where there wasabandonment and violence and
codependency, and so when theygot divorced, while a certain
(06:27):
thing got relieved, somethingelse got bigger, and it was that
I was left with this pile ofpain and no real way to process
it.
Now, one of the things thatinfluenced me wanting to become
a therapist was my parents wentto marriage counseling for a
short time, when I was, i think,in middle school, and they
never brought me, which isfascinating And so loves if you
(06:51):
were sent to counseling and youdidn't love it, or you've sent
your kids to counseling and theydon't love it.
I just wanna say good jobanyways, because I think it says
something that they at leastunderstood enough to make that
effort.
I just knew that I wanted totry to.
It was coming from a place ofcodependency, my desire to
(07:12):
become a therapist, but I wantedto spare children and families
from having to go through what Iwent through And it was a huge
part of why I wanted to do thiswork.
My parents both got what we'llcall remarried relatively
quickly, within 18 months.
Both of them were repartneredAnd I remember and my stepmom
(07:37):
will tell stories of, when herand my dad were at a restaurant
having dinner we lived in a verysmall town I would see their
cars together in a parking lotAnd I would whip it in and I
would get in that booth And Iwould do this territorial thing
like, just be clear, lady, he'smine.
And I think that what that spoketo was how under supported I
(07:58):
felt in life, like how thatpossessiveness right, it felt
like I did not have theresources to cope with anything
that I was experiencing, that Iwas grasping for and trying to
claim like you cannot take thisresource from me because I need
it And I'm not going to takethis resource from me because I
need it.
You know it happened the way ithappened anyways And, quite
(08:23):
frankly, neither of my parentshad the mental or emotional
resources to help me through mypain anyways.
So there wasn't necessarilyreally an actual loss in there.
But lacking any other resourcesright, I didn't have a
therapist or a coach or acounselor Like I just there was
no other container for me toheal in.
So I grasped it what I had Andso I, would, you know, kind of
(08:46):
stalk the restaurant to stake myclaim on my dad And then, with
my mom, um, the day she gotremarried, i was her, um, you
know, made of honor And I waswalking down the aisle during
the ceremony in the church and Iwas crying and I knew I was
disappointing her but I couldnot force myself to stop And she
(09:08):
was angry with me for years forcrying during her wedding
because she wanted me to behappy for her And she wanted to
be able to move on and have herhappy little life.
But the reality is that that wasan unacceptable request from
her, that there was clearly anunmet need on my part.
(09:32):
Um, i had not processed mygrief.
I was wildly under supportedthrough my childhood and um,
through their divorce andthrough my early years as a
young adult And I was in pain.
I didn't want to disappoint herwhile I was walking down that
aisle and I felt guilty for itAnd she was mad at me for it.
(09:56):
But oh, it was not my fault Andit took me years to figure that
out.
So what I can kind of seeclearly today is the amount of
responsibility that was placedon me to heal all of this
generational trauma, because thecodependency and the violence
(10:17):
and the abandonment and thesexual dysfunction and all the
stuff, the infidelity, all thethings that existed in my
parents' marriage didn't justshow up in their generation.
Right, it's a.
It's an accumulation ofgenerations of not healing, from
not taking responsibility fortheir personal dysfunction and
(10:40):
how that manifests intorelationship dysfunction and how
that manifests intodysfunctional parenting.
And so if this episode isfeeling heavy to you, gosh, it's
feeling heavy to me Also.
I literally have this weight inmy chest and in my stomach
right now.
So obviously there's still lovethat I need to pour on all of
(11:03):
this, and perhaps me recordingthis episode is part of that
right.
I think I intentionally am verycareful to not say anything
blaming or hurtful about mychildhood or my parents or my
ex-husband in other podcastepisodes, but this particular
episode just calls for me tospeak some truth, and so I also
(11:25):
want to model for you that I'mnot doing anything wrong by
speaking these truths.
Might it trigger pain in themif they listen?
I don't think they listen, butmight it trigger some unresolved
pain inside of them?
Of course, but in many ways, metelling my story and speaking
my truth is me saying I am nolonger going to bear your
burdens, i am no longer going tocarry your responsibilities.
(11:48):
So we can see through this lensthat their relationship
dysfunction and their parentingdysfunction led to a lot of my
personal dysfunction.
I was chronically anxious,struggled with panic and didn't
know it, often had bouts ofdepression in childhood, in
(12:12):
young adulthood and I had noclue.
I was absolutely undiagnosed,untreated, complex
post-traumatic stress disorder.
I was had a very strong,anxious, actually really mixed
attachment style anxious andavoidant, but primarily anxious
attachment style.
I was one of those people whocould not be single.
(12:35):
I just could not tolerate beingsingle.
It's not because I didn'tunderstand that there was value
in it.
It literally felt likephysically impossible for me to
be single And I was a workaholic.
I would soothe moments of quietor stillness in my life by
(12:57):
working, and it's because Imixed up financial security with
healthy attachment right, asecure attachment style has
enough money and just knows theyhave enough money, right, but
somebody with not a secureattachment style doesn't have a
sense of security or well-beingin the world.
(13:18):
And so how do we kind ofmisattribute how we can create
security?
Oh, by collecting money.
And so these were the thingsthat I experienced.
I had chronic illness in theform of cluster headaches and GI
dysfunction And, let's see, ihad about of adult acne and
(13:40):
infertility.
Right, there was so much mental, emotional and physical
dysfunction that came as aresult of having parents who
refused to own their shit and toheal it.
And so, of course, as I wasdating and picking a partner, i
was doing it from a place ofuntreated trauma, which means I
(14:03):
was dissociative.
Right, I was not.
I didn't have an integratedpsyche.
There were parts of me thatwere running the show at various
times, and parts of me, right,the inner critic, the angry
teenager, the insecure, theywere all these parts that were
running the show and they werenot functioning cohesively as a
(14:24):
team.
And in many ways, even though Iwas so angry with my parents,
as a grown ass woman, i alsostill turned myself inside out
to please them, which isbackwards.
And so when I picked my firsthusband which was really more
(14:45):
about being picked, quitefrankly, because I didn't
believe I could pick when I wasthat age I believe I had to be
picked.
I was I was afraid I wouldn'tbe picked, And so when I was
picked, that was kind of it forme because, yippee, i was picked
.
And so much about who myex-husband is is a wonderful
(15:06):
human, but really he's theperson my mom would pick, not
the person that, like authentic,integrated me, would have
picked.
And so when I got married, allof a sudden my relationship with
my mom improved because I wasliving in a way that she
approved of and that pleased her.
And so now all that insecureattachment was like
(15:28):
double-soothed, because I had ahusband who is now like legally
obligated to be my partner andbe my mom, was proud of me, and
so, you know, all of that justcreated a greater sense of
security.
But the whole marriage was asetup.
Love is because of all of thatgenerational trauma.
And so the other reason that Ifeel so powerfully about doing
(15:50):
this work with women who aredivorced is because when I, when
my ex-husband and I, whohonestly had a very amicable
divorce and I really honor themhow he showed up for me in that
process I know that as much ashe hurt me deeply, i hurt him
deeply and and he really didshow up as an honorable man in
the way that we separated And Iam really grateful to him for
(16:14):
that And as we walked throughthat process, that was the door
that I walked through to heal,to start healing everything.
And because I could see that assuch a turning point in my life
, i recognize it as a as amagical place for women to
recognize, oh, everything I needto heal from right now.
(16:36):
Everything that's coming upabout this marriage that's
coming to an end is really anecho of all of this other stuff
that is yet unresolved from mychildhood.
And so, because that was theportal that I stepped through I
am just married to pun intendedthat moment in time for women,
(16:58):
because I was so motivated inthat moment And that doesn't
like you know I was alsosimultaneously hopeless that
that healing was possible orthat true love was possible, but
I wasn't going to stop.
I was like I'll be damned if Icame this far, to only come this
far.
This is not where my story ends, and so that level of
motivation to know myself betterand to heal all the things that
(17:20):
I could kind of see where allscrewed up is what I leveraged,
and it's what I'm inviting youto leverage, is to really kind
of see this is the magicalopportunity for you to re-roll
and change everything about yourlegacy, and so that path for me
(17:41):
to healing it has been thehardest thing I've ever done and
simultaneously, the mostrewarding thing I've ever done,
because I get to say to youtoday that I used to be
chronically anxious, used todeal with depression, used to
(18:01):
have an insecure attachmentstyle, used to deal with chronic
illness.
I still deal with some of thesethings on a tiny little scale,
right.
Every now and then I getanxious, like recording this
podcast episode today.
I have a tiny bit of chronicillness.
I'm still working through, butI'm so super clear that it's on
its way out of my body andthat's it right, it's just on
its way out and I'm just workingthrough the finer points of
(18:23):
that And I have a strong,healthy, amazing marriage and a
wonderful child and a good lifeand I have a sense of well-being
And I did that, i did that AndI want that for you desperately.
And I'm not saying, if I can doit, you can do it.
(18:44):
That's that's like reductivistright.
It's like not fair, because wehave different stories and
different paths and differentpain points, similar themes, but
we have different levels ofresource and and different jobs
and different right.
Our stories are different Andthe nuances of your story matter
because the nuances of yourstory are part of your specific
(19:04):
magic.
So I'm not saying if I did it,you can do it, but I am saying
it is available to you if youwant it.
Now, that point where I gotdivorced wasn't the end by any
means of much of this struggle,especially as an adult child, of
divorce, because, quite frankly, when you're going through a
(19:28):
divorce and your parents aredivorced and they don't get
along, that makes it that muchharder, right, it's like your
support system is cut in halfand they don't get along.
And so now I'm managing theirfeelings about my divorce, which
PS was its whole own drama,right, like mom was obviously
ridiculously disappointed in meAnd and then moving forward as I
(19:49):
got remit.
Well, actually, even in myfirst, the day of my first
wedding, my parents were in highconflict, still themselves.
You know all that violence andall that abandonment that I was
so excited was going to be overwith when they got divorced.
That was bullshit, because onthe day of my first wedding, the
very get this the very firstwords I said to my husband when
we walked away from the altarwere you will never believe what
she did, she being my motherthe night before my first
(20:13):
wedding.
Right?
So getting divorced rarelysolves a problem, unless unless
the two people getting divorcedare using the past.
Right So getting divorcedrarely solves a problem unless,
unless the two people gettingdivorced are using the path to
take full responsibility for theproblems that led to that point
(20:34):
in time, right?
So this is a call to you, loves, that if you don't heal your
stuff, right, getting divorcedis not going to solve your
problems.
So then it's time for me to getremarried, and I'm pregnant and
my parents are still doingtheir high conflict thing.
And so this is where I decidedthat boundaries were going to be
(20:55):
my best friend And, in manyways, my daughter's very
existence on this planet whichis why her name is Grace has
given me everything I've neededto tackle the rest of this story
That in the having of her, ihad somebody I was willing to
fight for more than I waswilling to fight for myself, and
(21:17):
I think many of you can relateto that when it comes to your
children, and they're probablyalso part of this story for you.
And so in the having of her waswhere I finally said to these
people in my life if you cannotbe respectful, loving and kind,
you are not welcome to have aseat at the table And I will
push this red button to protecther.
(21:37):
I never pushed the red buttonto protect me, but PS, that's
come over time as evidence bythis podcast episode, right.
And so that's where boundariesreally started to become my best
friend, where I started to sayno more will you do the abuse of
abandoning you know bullshitthing.
(21:59):
And eventually the ways that Iwould protect her became the
ways I would protect me.
And this is where I have moreand more and more learned how to
sell healthy boundaries, notjust with them loves, but in all
the places, with myself, withall my loved ones, in my
friendships, at work, you nameit where I've just really, you
know, embraced that I am worthit.
(22:19):
And that is the programmingshift that ultimately happens
when you heal trauma is a movingfrom I don't feel worth it to
gosh darn it.
I was always worth it.
It's just that some peopletreated me like I wasn't worth
it And I got it in my head thatthat was the case and it never
was the case.
So, love, if you struggle tofeel worth it, if you struggle
(22:42):
to feel lovable, if you struggleto feel like you have control
or you have choices, those areall signs that you've
internalized somebody else'sbaggage and it has become your
baggage, and it is time to putthat baggage down.
One of the things I have thathave come into my life this year
(23:04):
that has been a game changer inhealing some of the remnants of
being an adult child of divorceis a book called the masculine
in relationship by GS Youngblood.
I believe that GS Youngblood'sbody of work and he's not the
only one that talks on thistopic, but his book happens to
be the one that came into mylife And so I am printed on it
(23:26):
like a baby duck.
In his book, the masculine inrelationship, he teaches men and
women what true masculineleadership looks like and how a
woman feels in a relationshipwith true masculine leadership
and loves, any questions ordifficulty with trust or
(23:46):
self-respect, or any difficultywith boundaries or
self-confidence or anxiety thatI had left all the sudden became
so crystal clear in reading hiswords on the page.
Because when a man is comingfrom a place of true masculine
leadership, a woman feels asense of security and well-being
, she is able to trust herself,she is able to trust her partner
(24:09):
, she is able to be in touchwith her feminine intuition, she
is able to parent her childrenfrom that place of feminine
intuition and everything changes.
And so the reality is loves.
Until we, as women, get it clearin our heads that if a man is
not functioning from a place oftrue masculine leadership, it is
, it is not a great idea topartner with them.
(24:33):
Until we set those boundariesand hold them and we do not
settle loves, it is going to behard for us to be in
relationship and not embody ourtrue feminine selves.
We will always lose ourselvesin relationship when we are not
in a relationship with a man whois grounded in his masculine
(24:56):
leadership, takingresponsibility for his roles in
a relationship.
Now, that doesn't mean that,you know, men and women can't
exchange masculine and feminineroles?
Of course we can.
My husband does most of thecooking and most of the
dishwashing and I do a lot ofthe you know strategizing and
(25:17):
and I we have very differentwork schedules.
I tend to log a lot more workhours than he does.
We do play with polarity in ourrelationship, but there are
some very clear structures, TheGia Zhang blood laid out for me,
that automatically helped mefeel more secure in my existence
as a woman, in understanding myworth, in understanding that
(25:40):
places where I don't feelworthwhile or because I've been
a part of a toxic culture, thisis not me blaming men.
This is not me hating men.
I love my husband.
I understand that men need tostep into a true reform of
leadership and this is meholding men accountable to that
and believing in them.
In reading this book, it hasnot only changed my sense of
(26:02):
security in the world, but ithas helped my marriage improve
that much more And it's helpedmy husband have a greater sense
of security because loves.
How many of us had greatexamples of great marriages?
I don't think very many of usdid, and so if you've never had
the example, how do you know?
it's like building the airplanein the sky, like how do you
(26:22):
know how to do it?
And so there's something abouthow GSE on blood writes that to
me feels like he's so good atconnecting with and coaching
along his audience that it feelsvery affirming, very supportive
, very clear, very direct.
And so if anything in thisepisode has related to you,
(26:42):
resonated with you, i'm going tolink his book in the show notes
.
But I want you to know that yourlegacy can be different, and if
all of this feels overwhelmingand heavy, that's okay, it can
be.
But also, this is no longerabout us growing up in a culture
, living in a culture where theemphasis is on looking good.
(27:05):
It's time for us to flip intothis season of feeling good more
than looking good.
So we're not doing this work sowe can lose 10 pounds to fit in
and address for our high schoolreunion.
We're doing this work tofundamentally change our
lifestyle so that we are livinghealthier, so that we are living
in alignment and joy in a waythat's sustainable, and not just
(27:26):
when we're at Disney World forthe weekend, but in our
day-to-day lives.
We are doing this work ofbreaking the generational trauma
.
I believe in you so much and Ibelieve we have the guidance and
the tools that we need.
You know, just in the lastcouple of years, i have found so
(27:48):
many new truths that havehelped me heal faster and faster
and faster than ever before.
You know, i got divorced when Iwas 30.
I'm now 42.
I would say that the firstseven years, eight years, of the
healing journey were slow forme.
But I didn't know about EMDR, ididn't know about EFT tapping,
i didn't know about homeopathy,i didn't know about gut health.
(28:11):
I didn't know that if you didall these things, it doesn't
have to be that hard or thatlong.
And so you are in the rightplace, love, because all of
these tools, they're right here,waiting for you, and in a space
that doesn't have to feel.
Yes, this episode feels heavy,but healing doesn't always have
to feel this heavy.
In fact, we heal faster when wefocus on play and joy and we
(28:36):
have fun.
And so, no, this episode wasn'tthat fun.
But guess what, my chestdoesn't feel so heavy anymore,
and neither does my stomach, andthat's because I said the
things and I got it out.
And that's what I'm alwayscoaching you to do is get it out
so that you're not living withit, you're not carrying it.
Thank you for hearing me andfor knowing me and for
(28:59):
understanding me, and thank youfor giving me the opportunity to
do the same for you.
I love you so much.
Peace.
Hi, love, this is Dawn, and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
Cozy in for the conversationsyou've been longing to have
(00:27):
about this new life.
Hi, love, today is a big dealbecause today we are talking
about adult children of divorce,and this topic is the topic
(00:51):
that I'm actually stillrecovering from, and so much of
what I share with you today isgoing to come straight from my
story and my journey, and ismuch of why I have chosen to
(01:13):
focus much of my career path onrecovering from divorce, because
I, in many ways, am stillrecovering, not necessarily from
divorce, but from thegenerational traumas that led to
(01:35):
my parents divorce when I was17 years old And how I have
spent my lifetime healing fromthose traumas, and in some ways,
i'm still doing that, and sothis episode is deeply personal.
It will be probably some of themost specific storytelling I've
(01:58):
ever done, and if you relate tobeing adult child of divorce
meaning your parents gotdivorced when you were older, or
if you have children who areadults or who are becoming
adults and you are divorced,this is an opportunity for you
(02:20):
to kind of get inside your kidsheads.
And if neither of those thingsapply to you, but you are
realizing that you have sometraumas to heal from Love, this
is a beautiful place to be.
We are just gonna have a reallyrich discussion on generational
(02:44):
trauma that happens to involvedivorce, which is part of your
story.
So thank you for being here,thank you for sending me all
sorts of loving vibes, and let'sjust dig into the good stuff.
So I am an adult child ofdivorce and my parents' marriage
(03:05):
and subsequent divorce hasdefinitely been the larger
trauma for me to recover fromthan my own divorce ever was.
Now, if you've heard any of thedivorce statistics and I would
guess you've heard plenty youknow that if your parents got
divorced, there's a lot higherprobability of becoming divorced
(03:26):
, which is my case And unlessthere is something that
interrupts, that cycle increasesthe likelihood of your children
getting divorced.
And if you don't interrupt, thecycle have a much higher
probability of you gettingremarried and getting divorced a
second and or third and orfourth time.
(03:48):
So all paths point to oh, it'stime to heal.
It's time to heal.
And as I was prepping for thisepisode, it's like, yes, this
episode really is about healinggenerational trauma, and it's a
funny thing.
It's like I don't know how oldyou are.
(04:09):
I am 42 today And today is notmy birthday.
I just mean, like, as of now, iam 42.
And something about thisgeneration I would say for those
who are maybe upwards of 10years older than me or for sure
younger than me, it just seemsto be that we are born into a
(04:32):
season of existence where it isour responsibility to interrupt
and heal generational trauma.
That is the responsibility wewere born into And it's exciting
because we have this ability tochange the future and to create
such powerful legacies.
But it is a lot ofresponsibility And we're gonna
(04:55):
talk about how to ease thatresponsibility later on in the
pod, but just wanna validatethat for you.
If you're feeling that crunchof that sandwich generation
where we're just feeling like wehave to juggle all the things
in such a big way, that is superreal.
So for me, being an adult childof divorce was incredibly
(05:18):
painful, and what was funnyabout that is I begged my
parents to get divorced foryears And for whatever reason.
That didn't happen until I was17.
And when I was 17, there weremany aspects of them getting
divorced that were a relief tome because, namely, the violence
(05:40):
and the amount of fear that Ilived in was coming to an end,
right, those explosions thatwould happen that were so
terrifying, the cold silences,the abandonment, like all that
stuff was gonna come to an end.
But unfortunately, there was atthat time in my life no
(06:03):
container for me to heal fromall of the years I spent in a
family where there wasabandonment and violence and
codependency, and so when theygot divorced, while a certain
(06:27):
thing got relieved, somethingelse got bigger, and it was that
I was left with this pile ofpain and no real way to process
it.
Now, one of the things thatinfluenced me wanting to become
a therapist was my parents wentto marriage counseling for a
short time, when I was, i think,in middle school, and they
never brought me, which isfascinating And so loves if you
(06:51):
were sent to counseling and youdidn't love it, or you've sent
your kids to counseling and theydon't love it.
I just wanna say good jobanyways, because I think it says
something that they at leastunderstood enough to make that
effort.
I just knew that I wanted totry to.
It was coming from a place ofcodependency, my desire to
(07:12):
become a therapist, but I wantedto spare children and families
from having to go through what Iwent through And it was a huge
part of why I wanted to do thiswork.
My parents both got what we'llcall remarried relatively
quickly, within 18 months.
Both of them were repartneredAnd I remember and my stepmom
(07:37):
will tell stories of, when herand my dad were at a restaurant
having dinner we lived in a verysmall town I would see their
cars together in a parking lotAnd I would whip it in and I
would get in that booth And Iwould do this territorial thing
like, just be clear, lady, he'smine.
And I think that what that spoketo was how under supported I
(07:58):
felt in life, like how thatpossessiveness right, it felt
like I did not have theresources to cope with anything
that I was experiencing, that Iwas grasping for and trying to
claim like you cannot take thisresource from me because I need
it And I'm not going to takethis resource from me because I
need it.
You know it happened the way ithappened anyways And, quite
(08:23):
frankly, neither of my parentshad the mental or emotional
resources to help me through mypain anyways.
So there wasn't necessarilyreally an actual loss in there.
But lacking any other resourcesright, I didn't have a
therapist or a coach or acounselor Like I just there was
no other container for me toheal in.
So I grasped it what I had Andso I, would, you know, kind of
(08:46):
stalk the restaurant to stake myclaim on my dad And then, with
my mom, um, the day she gotremarried, i was her, um, you
know, made of honor And I waswalking down the aisle during
the ceremony in the church and Iwas crying and I knew I was
disappointing her but I couldnot force myself to stop And she
(09:08):
was angry with me for years forcrying during her wedding
because she wanted me to behappy for her And she wanted to
be able to move on and have herhappy little life.
But the reality is that that wasan unacceptable request from
her, that there was clearly anunmet need on my part.
(09:32):
Um, i had not processed mygrief.
I was wildly under supportedthrough my childhood and um,
through their divorce andthrough my early years as a
young adult And I was in pain.
I didn't want to disappoint herwhile I was walking down that
aisle and I felt guilty for itAnd she was mad at me for it.
(09:56):
But oh, it was not my fault Andit took me years to figure that
out.
So what I can kind of seeclearly today is the amount of
responsibility that was placedon me to heal all of this
generational trauma, because thecodependency and the violence
(10:17):
and the abandonment and thesexual dysfunction and all the
stuff, the infidelity, all thethings that existed in my
parents' marriage didn't justshow up in their generation.
Right, it's a.
It's an accumulation ofgenerations of not healing, from
not taking responsibility fortheir personal dysfunction and
(10:40):
how that manifests intorelationship dysfunction and how
that manifests intodysfunctional parenting.
And so if this episode isfeeling heavy to you, gosh, it's
feeling heavy to me Also.
I literally have this weight inmy chest and in my stomach
right now.
So obviously there's still lovethat I need to pour on all of
(11:03):
this, and perhaps me recordingthis episode is part of that
right.
I think I intentionally am verycareful to not say anything
blaming or hurtful about mychildhood or my parents or my
ex-husband in other podcastepisodes, but this particular
episode just calls for me tospeak some truth, and so I also
(11:25):
want to model for you that I'mnot doing anything wrong by
speaking these truths.
Might it trigger pain in themif they listen?
I don't think they listen, butmight it trigger some unresolved
pain inside of them?
Of course, but in many ways, metelling my story and speaking
my truth is me saying I am nolonger going to bear your
burdens, i am no longer going tocarry your responsibilities.
(11:48):
So we can see through this lensthat their relationship
dysfunction and their parentingdysfunction led to a lot of my
personal dysfunction.
I was chronically anxious,struggled with panic and didn't
know it, often had bouts ofdepression in childhood, in
(12:12):
young adulthood and I had noclue.
I was absolutely undiagnosed,untreated, complex
post-traumatic stress disorder.
I was had a very strong,anxious, actually really mixed
attachment style anxious andavoidant, but primarily anxious
attachment style.
I was one of those people whocould not be single.
(12:35):
I just could not tolerate beingsingle.
It's not because I didn'tunderstand that there was value
in it.
It literally felt likephysically impossible for me to
be single And I was a workaholic.
I would soothe moments of quietor stillness in my life by
(12:57):
working, and it's because Imixed up financial security with
healthy attachment right, asecure attachment style has
enough money and just knows theyhave enough money, right, but
somebody with not a secureattachment style doesn't have a
sense of security or well-beingin the world.
(13:18):
And so how do we kind ofmisattribute how we can create
security?
Oh, by collecting money.
And so these were the thingsthat I experienced.
I had chronic illness in theform of cluster headaches and GI
dysfunction And, let's see, ihad about of adult acne and
(13:40):
infertility.
Right, there was so much mental, emotional and physical
dysfunction that came as aresult of having parents who
refused to own their shit and toheal it.
And so, of course, as I wasdating and picking a partner, i
was doing it from a place ofuntreated trauma, which means I
(14:03):
was dissociative.
Right, I was not.
I didn't have an integratedpsyche.
There were parts of me thatwere running the show at various
times, and parts of me, right,the inner critic, the angry
teenager, the insecure, theywere all these parts that were
running the show and they werenot functioning cohesively as a
(14:24):
team.
And in many ways, even though Iwas so angry with my parents,
as a grown ass woman, i alsostill turned myself inside out
to please them, which isbackwards.
And so when I picked my firsthusband which was really more
(14:45):
about being picked, quitefrankly, because I didn't
believe I could pick when I wasthat age I believe I had to be
picked.
I was I was afraid I wouldn'tbe picked, And so when I was
picked, that was kind of it forme because, yippee, i was picked
.
And so much about who myex-husband is is a wonderful
(15:06):
human, but really he's theperson my mom would pick, not
the person that, like authentic,integrated me, would have
picked.
And so when I got married, allof a sudden my relationship with
my mom improved because I wasliving in a way that she
approved of and that pleased her.
And so now all that insecureattachment was like
(15:28):
double-soothed, because I had ahusband who is now like legally
obligated to be my partner andbe my mom, was proud of me, and
so, you know, all of that justcreated a greater sense of
security.
But the whole marriage was asetup.
Love is because of all of thatgenerational trauma.
And so the other reason that Ifeel so powerfully about doing
(15:50):
this work with women who aredivorced is because when I, when
my ex-husband and I, whohonestly had a very amicable
divorce and I really honor themhow he showed up for me in that
process I know that as much ashe hurt me deeply, i hurt him
deeply and and he really didshow up as an honorable man in
the way that we separated And Iam really grateful to him for
(16:14):
that And as we walked throughthat process, that was the door
that I walked through to heal,to start healing everything.
And because I could see that assuch a turning point in my life
, i recognize it as a as amagical place for women to
recognize, oh, everything I needto heal from right now.
(16:36):
Everything that's coming upabout this marriage that's
coming to an end is really anecho of all of this other stuff
that is yet unresolved from mychildhood.
And so, because that was theportal that I stepped through I
am just married to pun intendedthat moment in time for women,
(16:58):
because I was so motivated inthat moment And that doesn't
like you know I was alsosimultaneously hopeless that
that healing was possible orthat true love was possible, but
I wasn't going to stop.
I was like I'll be damned if Icame this far, to only come this
far.
This is not where my story ends, and so that level of
motivation to know myself betterand to heal all the things that
(17:20):
I could kind of see where allscrewed up is what I leveraged,
and it's what I'm inviting youto leverage, is to really kind
of see this is the magicalopportunity for you to re-roll
and change everything about yourlegacy, and so that path for me
(17:41):
to healing it has been thehardest thing I've ever done and
simultaneously, the mostrewarding thing I've ever done,
because I get to say to youtoday that I used to be
chronically anxious, used todeal with depression, used to
(18:01):
have an insecure attachmentstyle, used to deal with chronic
illness.
I still deal with some of thesethings on a tiny little scale,
right.
Every now and then I getanxious, like recording this
podcast episode today.
I have a tiny bit of chronicillness.
I'm still working through, butI'm so super clear that it's on
its way out of my body andthat's it right, it's just on
its way out and I'm just workingthrough the finer points of
(18:23):
that And I have a strong,healthy, amazing marriage and a
wonderful child and a good lifeand I have a sense of well-being
And I did that, i did that AndI want that for you desperately.
And I'm not saying, if I can doit, you can do it.
(18:44):
That's that's like reductivistright.
It's like not fair, because wehave different stories and
different paths and differentpain points, similar themes, but
we have different levels ofresource and and different jobs
and different right.
Our stories are different Andthe nuances of your story matter
because the nuances of yourstory are part of your specific
(19:04):
magic.
So I'm not saying if I did it,you can do it, but I am saying
it is available to you if youwant it.
Now, that point where I gotdivorced wasn't the end by any
means of much of this struggle,especially as an adult child, of
divorce, because, quite frankly, when you're going through a
(19:28):
divorce and your parents aredivorced and they don't get
along, that makes it that muchharder, right, it's like your
support system is cut in halfand they don't get along.
And so now I'm managing theirfeelings about my divorce, which
PS was its whole own drama,right, like mom was obviously
ridiculously disappointed in meAnd and then moving forward as I
(19:49):
got remit.
Well, actually, even in myfirst, the day of my first
wedding, my parents were in highconflict, still themselves.
You know all that violence andall that abandonment that I was
so excited was going to be overwith when they got divorced.
That was bullshit, because onthe day of my first wedding, the
very get this the very firstwords I said to my husband when
we walked away from the altarwere you will never believe what
she did, she being my motherthe night before my first
(20:13):
wedding.
Right?
So getting divorced rarelysolves a problem, unless unless
the two people getting divorcedare using the past.
Right So getting divorcedrarely solves a problem unless,
unless the two people gettingdivorced are using the path to
take full responsibility for theproblems that led to that point
(20:34):
in time, right?
So this is a call to you, loves, that if you don't heal your
stuff, right, getting divorcedis not going to solve your
problems.
So then it's time for me to getremarried, and I'm pregnant and
my parents are still doingtheir high conflict thing.
And so this is where I decidedthat boundaries were going to be
(20:55):
my best friend And, in manyways, my daughter's very
existence on this planet whichis why her name is Grace has
given me everything I've neededto tackle the rest of this story
That in the having of her, ihad somebody I was willing to
fight for more than I waswilling to fight for myself, and
(21:17):
I think many of you can relateto that when it comes to your
children, and they're probablyalso part of this story for you.
And so in the having of her waswhere I finally said to these
people in my life if you cannotbe respectful, loving and kind,
you are not welcome to have aseat at the table And I will
push this red button to protecther.
(21:37):
I never pushed the red buttonto protect me, but PS, that's
come over time as evidence bythis podcast episode, right.
And so that's where boundariesreally started to become my best
friend, where I started to sayno more will you do the abuse of
abandoning you know bullshitthing.
(21:59):
And eventually the ways that Iwould protect her became the
ways I would protect me.
And this is where I have moreand more and more learned how to
sell healthy boundaries, notjust with them loves, but in all
the places, with myself, withall my loved ones, in my
friendships, at work, you nameit where I've just really, you
know, embraced that I am worthit.
(22:19):
And that is the programmingshift that ultimately happens
when you heal trauma is a movingfrom I don't feel worth it to
gosh darn it.
I was always worth it.
It's just that some peopletreated me like I wasn't worth
it And I got it in my head thatthat was the case and it never
was the case.
So, love, if you struggle tofeel worth it, if you struggle
(22:42):
to feel lovable, if you struggleto feel like you have control
or you have choices, those areall signs that you've
internalized somebody else'sbaggage and it has become your
baggage, and it is time to putthat baggage down.
One of the things I have thathave come into my life this year
(23:04):
that has been a game changer inhealing some of the remnants of
being an adult child of divorceis a book called the masculine
in relationship by GS Youngblood.
I believe that GS Youngblood'sbody of work and he's not the
only one that talks on thistopic, but his book happens to
be the one that came into mylife And so I am printed on it
(23:26):
like a baby duck.
In his book, the masculine inrelationship, he teaches men and
women what true masculineleadership looks like and how a
woman feels in a relationshipwith true masculine leadership
and loves, any questions ordifficulty with trust or
(23:46):
self-respect, or any difficultywith boundaries or
self-confidence or anxiety thatI had left all the sudden became
so crystal clear in reading hiswords on the page.
Because when a man is comingfrom a place of true masculine
leadership, a woman feels asense of security and well-being
, she is able to trust herself,she is able to trust her partner
(24:09):
, she is able to be in touchwith her feminine intuition, she
is able to parent her childrenfrom that place of feminine
intuition and everything changes.
And so the reality is loves.
Until we, as women, get it clearin our heads that if a man is
not functioning from a place oftrue masculine leadership, it is
, it is not a great idea topartner with them.
(24:33):
Until we set those boundariesand hold them and we do not
settle loves, it is going to behard for us to be in
relationship and not embody ourtrue feminine selves.
We will always lose ourselvesin relationship when we are not
in a relationship with a man whois grounded in his masculine
(24:56):
leadership, takingresponsibility for his roles in
a relationship.
Now, that doesn't mean that,you know, men and women can't
exchange masculine and feminineroles?
Of course we can.
My husband does most of thecooking and most of the
dishwashing and I do a lot ofthe you know strategizing and
(25:17):
and I we have very differentwork schedules.
I tend to log a lot more workhours than he does.
We do play with polarity in ourrelationship, but there are
some very clear structures, TheGia Zhang blood laid out for me,
that automatically helped mefeel more secure in my existence
as a woman, in understanding myworth, in understanding that
(25:40):
places where I don't feelworthwhile or because I've been
a part of a toxic culture, thisis not me blaming men.
This is not me hating men.
I love my husband.
I understand that men need tostep into a true reform of
leadership and this is meholding men accountable to that
and believing in them.
In reading this book, it hasnot only changed my sense of
(26:02):
security in the world, but ithas helped my marriage improve
that much more And it's helpedmy husband have a greater sense
of security because loves.
How many of us had greatexamples of great marriages?
I don't think very many of usdid, and so if you've never had
the example, how do you know?
it's like building the airplanein the sky, like how do you
(26:22):
know how to do it?
And so there's something abouthow GSE on blood writes that to
me feels like he's so good atconnecting with and coaching
along his audience that it feelsvery affirming, very supportive
, very clear, very direct.
And so if anything in thisepisode has related to you,
(26:42):
resonated with you, i'm going tolink his book in the show notes
.
But I want you to know that yourlegacy can be different, and if
all of this feels overwhelmingand heavy, that's okay, it can
be.
But also, this is no longerabout us growing up in a culture
, living in a culture where theemphasis is on looking good.
(27:05):
It's time for us to flip intothis season of feeling good more
than looking good.
So we're not doing this work sowe can lose 10 pounds to fit in
and address for our high schoolreunion.
We're doing this work tofundamentally change our
lifestyle so that we are livinghealthier, so that we are living
in alignment and joy in a waythat's sustainable, and not just
(27:26):
when we're at Disney World forthe weekend, but in our
day-to-day lives.
We are doing this work ofbreaking the generational trauma
.
I believe in you so much and Ibelieve we have the guidance and
the tools that we need.
You know, just in the lastcouple of years, i have found so
(27:48):
many new truths that havehelped me heal faster and faster
and faster than ever before.
You know, i got divorced when Iwas 30.
I'm now 42.
I would say that the firstseven years, eight years, of the
healing journey were slow forme.
But I didn't know about EMDR, ididn't know about EFT tapping,
i didn't know about homeopathy,i didn't know about gut health.
(28:11):
I didn't know that if you didall these things, it doesn't
have to be that hard or thatlong.
And so you are in the rightplace, love, because all of
these tools, they're right here,waiting for you, and in a space
that doesn't have to feel.
Yes, this episode feels heavy,but healing doesn't always have
to feel this heavy.
In fact, we heal faster when wefocus on play and joy and we
(28:36):
have fun.
And so, no, this episode wasn'tthat fun.
But guess what, my chestdoesn't feel so heavy anymore,
and neither does my stomach, andthat's because I said the
things and I got it out.
And that's what I'm alwayscoaching you to do is get it out
so that you're not living withit, you're not carrying it.
Thank you for hearing me andfor knowing me and for
(28:59):
understanding me, and thank youfor giving me the opportunity to
do the same for you.
I love you so much.
Peace.
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