May 23, 2023 • 23 mins
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We all crave validation and reassurance - especially when we've experienced rejection. The problem is that external reassurance only lasts for a moment in time, and then it's back to anxious, insecure, or empty. It's time to shift from external validation to self-care and self-love.
In this episode of Dear Divorce Diary, I discuss the importance of connecting with YOUR pure positive energy (yes, it's in there right now!), identifying and dismantling negative patterns, and practicing bottom-up healing. I also offer various techniques to access your spiritual essence, including EMDR therapy, deep breathing, and journaling. I emphasize the need to stay consistent in your approach and how to focus on your self-worth and power.
Dawn says I'm a badass, Jesus says I'm a badass, Buddha says I'm a badass. Some of my girlfriends say I'm a badass. Maybe that's true. Maybe, just maybe, they're right. Maybe I'm a badass. - Dawn Wiggins
In this episode, you will be able to:
- Tap into the power of pure positive energy for transformative healing practices.
- Recognize and overcome limiting self-beliefs holding you back from your true potential.
- Break free from the harmful cycle of seeking validation from external sources.
- Embrace the significance of consistent effort and action as keys to success.
- Combine the best of modern and traditional healing methods to conquer emotional pain.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, today I'm going toget all up in your business to
do with the need for externalvalidation while you're going
through this really painful,insecure post-divorce situation.
(00:49):
And oh gosh, golly, do I justget how much you crave, how
desperate you feel, to have somefolks validate you.
Validate you that you are notcrazy, validate you that you are
(01:11):
lovable, that you're desirable,that your heart matters, that
the things that you've beenasking for are reasonable, like
there are so many things thatyou crave right now from other
people, and I get it, in fact,in very full, transparent
(01:33):
disclosure.
This was how I exited mymarriage was via hooking up with
somebody else, because of thatdepth of desire that I, at the
time, did not have the skills toself soothe and to feel
grounded in my sense ofenoughness.
(01:53):
I didn't have.
So the things we're going totalk about today.
Let me be very clear.
I did not have these skillswhen I was going through this,
so any comparing you might havebeen wanting to do just now, oh
Don wants me to not needexternal validation.
Let me be super clear.
I was full blown hot messexpress at the time.
(02:17):
So the things I'm going toshare with you today are things
that I have learned over thecourse of a decade, things that
I have internalized over thecourse of a decade, and I would
like it to not take you a decade, that's all Right.
I'm going to share these thingswith you because I want you to
have the benefit of theinformation age that we're in.
You know, fun fact also, i wasjust saying to producer Joy,
(02:41):
just before she hit record youknow, what makes me a little
different is just that I takeaction faster, right?
So when you want to compareyourselves to other people and
you want to find yourselflacking, i want you to know that
my secret sauce, more oftenthan not, is just taking action,
(03:03):
because love we learn by doingSo.
Even though the way I exited mymarriage was via hooking up
with this other person, likegreat, you know how quickly I
learned that that didn't solvemy problem right.
Too often we get bogged down inthe oh I made the wrong choice
And then we like hang out therein the self pity and the
wallowing of it all.
(03:24):
But the faster that we can kindof re-roll and take another
action, the faster we learn, andthe more we learn by doing, the
faster we internalize thelesson.
So bear in mind that, as you'rehearing me teach you these
things that you know, i know asa therapist or as a healer, as
(03:47):
an integrative healer or as astudent of life, that you're
gonna you're gonna do thingswhere you don't like the
feedback.
I don't even want to call it amistake, because it's not.
It's a process of learning.
You're gonna do processes oflearning that are gonna be
painful as fuck.
Congratulations.
That's exactly what I want youto do, right?
(04:08):
I don't want you to go out andintentionally hurt people while
you're doing that.
So do no harm, right, but go dothings and learn while you're
doing it.
Okay, more specifically, theneed for validation.
Now, the reason you needvalidation is because, deep down
(04:29):
, you are literally terrifiedthat you are not good enough,
that you are not lovable andthat you are doing it wrong and
that you are not a good girl andthat people do not approve of
you and that by they're notapproving of you are going to
die alone and without yourdreams fulfilled.
That might be a slightlydramatized version of it, but I
(04:51):
don't think so.
And and all of that self doubtand all of that insecurity, you
feel it on a physical, cellularlevel, like pain in your chest
or thickness in your brain orbutterflies in your stomach not
the good kind of butterflies,that like creepy moth ones.
So so all that is real And youhave a hard time sleeping
(05:17):
because of it, and you tend tofocus on things like why all of
this is happening, and you tendto focus on how much you miss
him and hate him at the sametime, and you tend to focus on
how your kids are experiencingthis or what you know your
(05:39):
social circle is saying or notsaying.
But love, at the end of the day,the reason you're struggling is
because you don't believeyou're a badass.
You don't believe that you'repowerful enough to manifest your
dreams.
You do not believe that theDisney stories of Cinderella are
(06:02):
available to you And no, maybethey're not available in the way
that Disney portrayed some ofthe older versions of fairy
tales, but some of the newerversions, yeah, they absolutely
all of that.
Whatever it is that you dreamto have in your life love, it is
(06:24):
available to you, and it may bereally hard to manifest it, but
you can.
And anytime you're doubtingthat, i want you to think of me
saying girlfriend, you arepowerful as fuck.
(06:45):
Get up, you've got this.
Because those moments of selfdoubt where you need to phone a
friend and say tell me I'mpretty, I do that.
I have one friend who I askedto tell me I'm pretty.
And then I have someone I askedto tell me I'm a good girl.
Right, these are in my wobblymoments where I feel insecure.
(07:07):
But but in the meantime, i wantyou to be tackling some bigger,
deeper strategies than theneeding the dating app, then
needing the hookup, then needingthe girlfriend to tell you
what's up, then needing someoneto talk you out of some
(07:30):
cockamamie scheme you'rehatching about how you can solve
all of this using, you know, abottle of wine and some great
lingerie.
It's not going to solve it, butby all means, you know, go
figure that out for yourself.
I'll be here waiting.
So the deeper, more meaningfulstrategy I need you to be
employing is one where you tapinto, at the deepest levels of
(07:53):
knowingness, how magical you are, and I would call that a
spiritual strategy.
If you prefer the scientificversion, we could call that a
quantum mechanics strategy, butbut I prefer the spiritual
conversation.
So, at his deep spiritual level, you are a child of God.
(08:16):
You are a child of the universe.
You are a spiritual beinghaving a human experience.
Whatever version of that youneed to help you feel in flow,
in tune, seen, heard, understood.
I am here for right.
You are a child of the trees,whatever, whatever you need,
right.
But we are spiritual beingshaving a human experience.
(08:38):
If you boil it down to thecellular level, love at a
subatomic particle level.
You are energy.
I am energy, trees are energy,god is energy, whatever you want
to call it.
I'm not talking about aparticular image, right, or
(08:58):
religion.
That's not what I mean.
But at our core, we are energyand that energy happens to look
like this lovely meat suit thatyour soul is packed into.
But when we get hyper focused onwhy this is happening and when
we get hyper focused on what anasshole he is, and when we get
(09:20):
hyper focused on this wrinkle onmy forehead what?
what you're doing there?
what I'm doing there, isgetting bogged down in self
absorption There I said it rightAKA narcissism.
No, that doesn't mean you're anarcissist.
I'm just kind of tying togetherthe things we hear on social
(09:41):
media and in right, but we aregetting bogged down in being too
caught up in small things thatare not the big picture of I am
energy, you are energy, god isenergy and that shit.
It's all connected And the onlything that stops us from
fulfilling our dreams is notbeing tapped in to the energy
(10:08):
that is the universal life force, right?
So there are many places we canget tapped into that.
I love to do it through law ofattraction stuff.
Like you know, abraham Hicks,law of attraction, that is the
secret, that's my currentfavorite way to do it.
But also I can find it inscripture, in the Bible.
(10:28):
I can find it in Sanskrit, inuh, when I'm reviewing yogic
principles.
I can find it in the pages ofalcoholics anonymous big book,
um.
I can find it in Al-Anonliterature.
I can find it in a lot ofplaces.
Now, it's not the language thattells you you're doing a bad job
(10:49):
, because you will find all ofthat language in the Bible or
the big book or where, right inplaces, you will find language
that tells you you need to be agood girl first, right.
That's not what I'm talkingabout.
I'm talking about the languagethat says at your core, you are
(11:10):
pure positive energy And you'regoing to go through some shit
experiences in life that aregoing to be heavy and hard and
painful and they are going tostretch you and challenge you
And they're going to make youquestion everything And by
moving through those things andstaying tapped into the truth
that you are pure positiveenergy and that joy and
gratitude are the keys to growthand that what you focus on is
(11:36):
what you will get more of.
So when you are focused onhating him, you're going to get
more hate.
When you are focused on missinghim, you are going to get more
loneliness.
When you are focused on you notbeing good enough, you are
going to get more self doubt.
When you are focused on notunderstanding why, you are going
to get more confusion and morestuckness.
(11:59):
And when you focus on Don saysI'm a badass.
Jesus says I'm a badass.
Buddha says I'm a badass.
Some of my girlfriends say I'ma badass.
Maybe that's true, maybe, justmaybe, they're right, maybe I'm
a badass.
When you focus on that, you aregoing to get more badassery,
(12:21):
you're going to get more courageAnd that courage is going to
lead you to doing more, which isgoing to lead you to learning
more, which is going to right.
You see how that cyclereinforces itself.
Now this gets a little confusingwhen people therapists say well
, you need to do, you need tocome to therapy and you need to
face your feelings and you needto really unpack that and you
(12:42):
need to exercise yourself fromthe pain, right, you need to
desensitize and reprocess yourpain.
That's confusing, don, becauseon the one hand, you're telling
me that I need to focus on beinga badass And, on the other hand
, you're telling me I need toget my butt to therapy to focus
on the pain.
How do you know when to usewhich strategy?
(13:06):
Great question, so glad youasked.
So there are times when, nomatter how many tools we use to
switch our focus, it keepscoming back The painful thoughts
, the negative spiral, thefalling into the rabbit hole of
(13:26):
disbelief.
And when you've used every toolyou know to use you've
journaled, you've EFT tapped,you've meditated, you've sat
with a tree, you've phoned afriend.
When those things are notworking and you can't shake a
thing, then the path of leastresistance is to desensitize and
(13:48):
reprocess, is to give the brainthe thing it needs so that it
can let the traumatizing eventgo back into a place where it's
not begging for your attentionso much, right?
So the key to know when do Ineed to do a little therapy
around this thing or when do Ineed to do a little subconscious
work with a coach, a healer, asomething right Right Is when
(14:13):
you've tried distractingyourself.
You've tried a gratitude list,you've tried journaling with a
positive bent, right, with alike cause.
Journaling just to go to thedepths of the thing isn't
necessarily the trick.
It's it's it's journaling torefocus yourself on positivity,
right When those things are notworking and you can't shake it.
(14:35):
That's when we go deeper intothe pain, but only for short
bits of time, for the purpose ofridding yourself of the pain.
So this is why I fell soheavily into EMDR therapy, eft,
tapping journaling, as opposedto talk therapy, because talk
therapy activates all the painand then it leaves you sitting
with it and then you'reattracting more negativity.
(14:57):
So love when you have thesetriggers where the only it feels
like the only thing that'sgoing to soothe you is a man
loving on you.
I want you to know that whatactually you need to do is to
(15:17):
tap into some spirituality.
You need to schedule an EMDRsession to desensitize and
reprocess those negative beliefsthat have you believing you're
not worth it, and then youprobably need a homeopathic
remedy to help you shiftenergetically, because PS
homeopathy goes deeper than evenEMDR does.
(15:39):
So, and there's many, many,many, many, many tools.
Love to get healthy.
I am not saying that the tools Italk about are the only ones.
There are so, so many tools,but I'm giving you the ones that
, because I'm an action takerright, there are so many and and
some of the greatest ones arethe ones that are the most
(16:02):
misunderstood right, like one ofmy favorite ones from last year
that you've heard me mention isSilicite and Magic Mushrooms.
Right, i did a guided magicmushroom trip with a, with a
shaman.
That really helped me getdeeper into spirituality, feel
more grounded in my sense ofworth and worthiness, and it
helped me shake a lot of theenergetic emotional pain that
(16:24):
was still kind of hanging onright, And so that is a really
misunderstood healing healingapproach, homeopathy really
misunderstood healing approach,but one of the most valuable,
one of the most fast actinghealing approaches I have
experienced.
We're going to have um beforetoo long.
We'll have more, a deeper diveon the pod about homeopathy to
(16:44):
help talk more and enrich, uh,that conversation about how we
can get the benefits of thatsuper quick healing.
Also, i'm going to add somehomeopathic remedy
recommendations to the 21 day,the free 21 day drilling program
I offer I'm going to add thatin to make it a little sexier
coming up soon You can belooking out for that Um.
(17:05):
But love, when you feel like theonly thing that will help you
is validation from someone else,the true that's.
Getting validation from someoneelse is like what I like to
call weed whacking.
You, you know and and we knowabout weed whacking now, because
in a post-divorce situation,right, he's not, he's not doing
(17:25):
the long care anymore.
Either you've had to take itover or you've had to hire
someone, right.
So there's rooting things out,there's digging it out from the
root, and then there's weedwhacking right.
So weed whacking is like a topdown approach.
It's like, okay, i can pull theweed whacker out and I can
whack these weeds down andthey're going to be shorter and
it's going to work for a periodof time, but they're going to
grow back, yeah, okay.
(17:46):
So asking someone to tell youyou're pretty is weed whacking.
Asking a man to hug you and totake you on a date and to tell
you you're fantastic, it's weedwhacking.
Okay, it's going to work for ashort period of time, but you
want to be simultaneouslyimploding, employing a dig it
out at the root strategy, whichis how we keep it from coming
(18:07):
back right, which is gettingreally in touch with the depth
of your energetic self that isdirectly connected to source
energy.
Source energy sees you only aspure positive energy.
It is your ego, it is yourwounded sense of pride that
keeps telling you you suck, andthose are all lies, right,
(18:28):
because at your core level,you're pure positive energy and
source knows that.
And and I only see you as purepositive energy And I only talk
to you about these things to getall that wounded pride stuff
out of the way so that you couldsee yourself the way I see you.
God only sees you as purepositive energy.
Your bestie sees you as purepositive energy, right?
So get on board love.
(18:49):
So rooting it out means stayingin touch with the truth of who
you are, which is pure, positiveenergy.
Rooting it out means givingyour brain the tools it needs to
get the traumas out of its wayfrom the way that your brain
functions right, the structureof the brain, the neuronal
pathways that have been forgedin your brain, the paired
(19:11):
stimulus, the.
Did you ever hear about Pavlovand his dogs, how he rang the
bell and gave them their foodand they salivated?
because that's what dogs dowhen you feed them, they start
to drool, right, and eventually,just from ringing the bell, the
dogs would salivate.
That's a paired stimulus, right?
So you have a paired stimulusin your mind about your worth
(19:32):
and people's acceptance of you,right.
When I'm a good girl, peopleaccept me.
That's become a paired stimulusin your mind.
So we have to break thatstimulus down because it's not
true, right?
You are pure, positive energyand you have associated people
(19:53):
rejecting you with your worth,and it's a faulty belief, it's a
faulty pattern, and so we haveto weaken that stimulus.
And how do we do that?
We do that by when you feeltriggered that you need to be
validated.
You go back to visiting thetruth.
You tap into something thatfeels deeper and more grounding
(20:15):
and you do healing activitiesthat break the stimulus.
Eft tapping breaks thatnegatively paired stimulus.
Emdr breaks that stimulus.
Taking deep breaths You know, iwas reading all of your comments
in the 21 day journalingprogram recently and when you
were on the journal promptsabout breathing deeply and
(20:37):
getting still while you werescribbling and listening to the
playlist the musical playlist Iprovided you you felt more
grounded.
In that moment, you feltclearer.
You felt.
Now a handful of you didn't ahandful of you felt really,
really upset.
You were tuned into how upsetyou felt.
Generally speaking, just byaccessing that little bit of
(20:58):
journaling and that deepbreathing and that music, you
were able to feel what I'mtalking about that pure positive
energy.
You were at least able to senseit.
Maybe you also felt some pain,right.
But so when you feel this deep,desperate craving for external
validation, you may use a weedwhacking strategy.
You may open a dating app andyou may phone a friend and ask
(21:22):
her to tell you you're prettyand you may hook up.
But promise me, thank you,promise You will also use a
rooting out strategy of gettingconnected with the truth, of
doing some EFT tapping, somejournals, some deep breathing,
some box breathing, somediaphragmatic breathing, while
(21:46):
really sinking into somepositive messaging from your
favorite, your favoritemotivational people, right?
Whether that's me or Glen andDoyle, or Brené Brown, or
Abraham Hicks or whomever yourfavorite motivational person is.
That gets you back into thetruth of yourself, reminds you
(22:10):
of the truth of who you areRight.
Okay, i feel like you have astrategy now for when you feel
that craving for validation, youhave some strategies to employ.
Now I don't want you to getbogged down.
And which one should I use?
just pick one, right, becausesometimes we get, you know, when
(22:32):
we look at a menu and you'relike, oh, there's too many good
choices, which one, i don't care, just pick one.
Just pick one and go and do itAnd eventually, love, you will
reach a tipping point, andthat's what we're looking for
here.
Eventually, you will reach atipping point where you feel
more benefit from doing therooting out strategy than you do
(22:53):
from the weed whacking strategy.
And if you haven't reached thattipping point yet, it doesn't
mean you're doing it wrong.
It just means you got to getsome more more momentum going
with this rooting it outstrategy And eventually you will
hit that tipping point.
It's coming, i know it.
I love you so much.
Peace Deer.
(23:22):
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMy Coach Dawn.
You can find more atMyCoachDawingcom.
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, today I'm going toget all up in your business to
do with the need for externalvalidation while you're going
through this really painful,insecure post-divorce situation.
(00:49):
And oh gosh, golly, do I justget how much you crave, how
desperate you feel, to have somefolks validate you.
Validate you that you are notcrazy, validate you that you are
(01:11):
lovable, that you're desirable,that your heart matters, that
the things that you've beenasking for are reasonable, like
there are so many things thatyou crave right now from other
people, and I get it, in fact,in very full, transparent
(01:33):
disclosure.
This was how I exited mymarriage was via hooking up with
somebody else, because of thatdepth of desire that I, at the
time, did not have the skills toself soothe and to feel
grounded in my sense ofenoughness.
(01:53):
I didn't have.
So the things we're going totalk about today.
Let me be very clear.
I did not have these skillswhen I was going through this,
so any comparing you might havebeen wanting to do just now, oh
Don wants me to not needexternal validation.
Let me be super clear.
I was full blown hot messexpress at the time.
(02:17):
So the things I'm going toshare with you today are things
that I have learned over thecourse of a decade, things that
I have internalized over thecourse of a decade, and I would
like it to not take you a decade, that's all Right.
I'm going to share these thingswith you because I want you to
have the benefit of theinformation age that we're in.
You know, fun fact also, i wasjust saying to producer Joy,
(02:41):
just before she hit record youknow, what makes me a little
different is just that I takeaction faster, right?
So when you want to compareyourselves to other people and
you want to find yourselflacking, i want you to know that
my secret sauce, more oftenthan not, is just taking action,
(03:03):
because love we learn by doingSo.
Even though the way I exited mymarriage was via hooking up
with this other person, likegreat, you know how quickly I
learned that that didn't solvemy problem right.
Too often we get bogged down inthe oh I made the wrong choice
And then we like hang out therein the self pity and the
wallowing of it all.
(03:24):
But the faster that we can kindof re-roll and take another
action, the faster we learn, andthe more we learn by doing, the
faster we internalize thelesson.
So bear in mind that, as you'rehearing me teach you these
things that you know, i know asa therapist or as a healer, as
(03:47):
an integrative healer or as astudent of life, that you're
gonna you're gonna do thingswhere you don't like the
feedback.
I don't even want to call it amistake, because it's not.
It's a process of learning.
You're gonna do processes oflearning that are gonna be
painful as fuck.
Congratulations.
That's exactly what I want youto do, right?
(04:08):
I don't want you to go out andintentionally hurt people while
you're doing that.
So do no harm, right, but go dothings and learn while you're
doing it.
Okay, more specifically, theneed for validation.
Now, the reason you needvalidation is because, deep down
(04:29):
, you are literally terrifiedthat you are not good enough,
that you are not lovable andthat you are doing it wrong and
that you are not a good girl andthat people do not approve of
you and that by they're notapproving of you are going to
die alone and without yourdreams fulfilled.
That might be a slightlydramatized version of it, but I
(04:51):
don't think so.
And and all of that self doubtand all of that insecurity, you
feel it on a physical, cellularlevel, like pain in your chest
or thickness in your brain orbutterflies in your stomach not
the good kind of butterflies,that like creepy moth ones.
So so all that is real And youhave a hard time sleeping
(05:17):
because of it, and you tend tofocus on things like why all of
this is happening, and you tendto focus on how much you miss
him and hate him at the sametime, and you tend to focus on
how your kids are experiencingthis or what you know your
(05:39):
social circle is saying or notsaying.
But love, at the end of the day,the reason you're struggling is
because you don't believeyou're a badass.
You don't believe that you'repowerful enough to manifest your
dreams.
You do not believe that theDisney stories of Cinderella are
(06:02):
available to you And no, maybethey're not available in the way
that Disney portrayed some ofthe older versions of fairy
tales, but some of the newerversions, yeah, they absolutely
all of that.
Whatever it is that you dreamto have in your life love, it is
(06:24):
available to you, and it may bereally hard to manifest it, but
you can.
And anytime you're doubtingthat, i want you to think of me
saying girlfriend, you arepowerful as fuck.
(06:45):
Get up, you've got this.
Because those moments of selfdoubt where you need to phone a
friend and say tell me I'mpretty, I do that.
I have one friend who I askedto tell me I'm pretty.
And then I have someone I askedto tell me I'm a good girl.
Right, these are in my wobblymoments where I feel insecure.
(07:07):
But but in the meantime, i wantyou to be tackling some bigger,
deeper strategies than theneeding the dating app, then
needing the hookup, then needingthe girlfriend to tell you
what's up, then needing someoneto talk you out of some
(07:30):
cockamamie scheme you'rehatching about how you can solve
all of this using, you know, abottle of wine and some great
lingerie.
It's not going to solve it, butby all means, you know, go
figure that out for yourself.
I'll be here waiting.
So the deeper, more meaningfulstrategy I need you to be
employing is one where you tapinto, at the deepest levels of
(07:53):
knowingness, how magical you are, and I would call that a
spiritual strategy.
If you prefer the scientificversion, we could call that a
quantum mechanics strategy, butbut I prefer the spiritual
conversation.
So, at his deep spiritual level, you are a child of God.
(08:16):
You are a child of the universe.
You are a spiritual beinghaving a human experience.
Whatever version of that youneed to help you feel in flow,
in tune, seen, heard, understood.
I am here for right.
You are a child of the trees,whatever, whatever you need,
right.
But we are spiritual beingshaving a human experience.
(08:38):
If you boil it down to thecellular level, love at a
subatomic particle level.
You are energy.
I am energy, trees are energy,god is energy, whatever you want
to call it.
I'm not talking about aparticular image, right, or
(08:58):
religion.
That's not what I mean.
But at our core, we are energyand that energy happens to look
like this lovely meat suit thatyour soul is packed into.
But when we get hyper focused onwhy this is happening and when
we get hyper focused on what anasshole he is, and when we get
(09:20):
hyper focused on this wrinkle onmy forehead what?
what you're doing there?
what I'm doing there, isgetting bogged down in self
absorption There I said it rightAKA narcissism.
No, that doesn't mean you're anarcissist.
I'm just kind of tying togetherthe things we hear on social
(09:41):
media and in right, but we aregetting bogged down in being too
caught up in small things thatare not the big picture of I am
energy, you are energy, god isenergy and that shit.
It's all connected And the onlything that stops us from
fulfilling our dreams is notbeing tapped in to the energy
(10:08):
that is the universal life force, right?
So there are many places we canget tapped into that.
I love to do it through law ofattraction stuff.
Like you know, abraham Hicks,law of attraction, that is the
secret, that's my currentfavorite way to do it.
But also I can find it inscripture, in the Bible.
(10:28):
I can find it in Sanskrit, inuh, when I'm reviewing yogic
principles.
I can find it in the pages ofalcoholics anonymous big book,
um.
I can find it in Al-Anonliterature.
I can find it in a lot ofplaces.
Now, it's not the language thattells you you're doing a bad job
(10:49):
, because you will find all ofthat language in the Bible or
the big book or where, right inplaces, you will find language
that tells you you need to be agood girl first, right.
That's not what I'm talkingabout.
I'm talking about the languagethat says at your core, you are
(11:10):
pure positive energy And you'regoing to go through some shit
experiences in life that aregoing to be heavy and hard and
painful and they are going tostretch you and challenge you
And they're going to make youquestion everything And by
moving through those things andstaying tapped into the truth
that you are pure positiveenergy and that joy and
gratitude are the keys to growthand that what you focus on is
(11:36):
what you will get more of.
So when you are focused onhating him, you're going to get
more hate.
When you are focused on missinghim, you are going to get more
loneliness.
When you are focused on you notbeing good enough, you are
going to get more self doubt.
When you are focused on notunderstanding why, you are going
to get more confusion and morestuckness.
(11:59):
And when you focus on Don saysI'm a badass.
Jesus says I'm a badass.
Buddha says I'm a badass.
Some of my girlfriends say I'ma badass.
Maybe that's true, maybe, justmaybe, they're right, maybe I'm
a badass.
When you focus on that, you aregoing to get more badassery,
(12:21):
you're going to get more courageAnd that courage is going to
lead you to doing more, which isgoing to lead you to learning
more, which is going to right.
You see how that cyclereinforces itself.
Now this gets a little confusingwhen people therapists say well
, you need to do, you need tocome to therapy and you need to
face your feelings and you needto really unpack that and you
(12:42):
need to exercise yourself fromthe pain, right, you need to
desensitize and reprocess yourpain.
That's confusing, don, becauseon the one hand, you're telling
me that I need to focus on beinga badass And, on the other hand
, you're telling me I need toget my butt to therapy to focus
on the pain.
How do you know when to usewhich strategy?
(13:06):
Great question, so glad youasked.
So there are times when, nomatter how many tools we use to
switch our focus, it keepscoming back The painful thoughts
, the negative spiral, thefalling into the rabbit hole of
(13:26):
disbelief.
And when you've used every toolyou know to use you've
journaled, you've EFT tapped,you've meditated, you've sat
with a tree, you've phoned afriend.
When those things are notworking and you can't shake a
thing, then the path of leastresistance is to desensitize and
(13:48):
reprocess, is to give the brainthe thing it needs so that it
can let the traumatizing eventgo back into a place where it's
not begging for your attentionso much, right?
So the key to know when do Ineed to do a little therapy
around this thing or when do Ineed to do a little subconscious
work with a coach, a healer, asomething right Right Is when
(14:13):
you've tried distractingyourself.
You've tried a gratitude list,you've tried journaling with a
positive bent, right, with alike cause.
Journaling just to go to thedepths of the thing isn't
necessarily the trick.
It's it's it's journaling torefocus yourself on positivity,
right When those things are notworking and you can't shake it.
(14:35):
That's when we go deeper intothe pain, but only for short
bits of time, for the purpose ofridding yourself of the pain.
So this is why I fell soheavily into EMDR therapy, eft,
tapping journaling, as opposedto talk therapy, because talk
therapy activates all the painand then it leaves you sitting
with it and then you'reattracting more negativity.
(14:57):
So love when you have thesetriggers where the only it feels
like the only thing that'sgoing to soothe you is a man
loving on you.
I want you to know that whatactually you need to do is to
(15:17):
tap into some spirituality.
You need to schedule an EMDRsession to desensitize and
reprocess those negative beliefsthat have you believing you're
not worth it, and then youprobably need a homeopathic
remedy to help you shiftenergetically, because PS
homeopathy goes deeper than evenEMDR does.
(15:39):
So, and there's many, many,many, many, many tools.
Love to get healthy.
I am not saying that the tools Italk about are the only ones.
There are so, so many tools,but I'm giving you the ones that
, because I'm an action takerright, there are so many and and
some of the greatest ones arethe ones that are the most
(16:02):
misunderstood right, like one ofmy favorite ones from last year
that you've heard me mention isSilicite and Magic Mushrooms.
Right, i did a guided magicmushroom trip with a, with a
shaman.
That really helped me getdeeper into spirituality, feel
more grounded in my sense ofworth and worthiness, and it
helped me shake a lot of theenergetic emotional pain that
(16:24):
was still kind of hanging onright, And so that is a really
misunderstood healing healingapproach, homeopathy really
misunderstood healing approach,but one of the most valuable,
one of the most fast actinghealing approaches I have
experienced.
We're going to have um beforetoo long.
We'll have more, a deeper diveon the pod about homeopathy to
(16:44):
help talk more and enrich, uh,that conversation about how we
can get the benefits of thatsuper quick healing.
Also, i'm going to add somehomeopathic remedy
recommendations to the 21 day,the free 21 day drilling program
I offer I'm going to add thatin to make it a little sexier
coming up soon You can belooking out for that Um.
(17:05):
But love, when you feel like theonly thing that will help you
is validation from someone else,the true that's.
Getting validation from someoneelse is like what I like to
call weed whacking.
You, you know and and we knowabout weed whacking now, because
in a post-divorce situation,right, he's not, he's not doing
(17:25):
the long care anymore.
Either you've had to take itover or you've had to hire
someone, right.
So there's rooting things out,there's digging it out from the
root, and then there's weedwhacking right.
So weed whacking is like a topdown approach.
It's like, okay, i can pull theweed whacker out and I can
whack these weeds down andthey're going to be shorter and
it's going to work for a periodof time, but they're going to
grow back, yeah, okay.
(17:46):
So asking someone to tell youyou're pretty is weed whacking.
Asking a man to hug you and totake you on a date and to tell
you you're fantastic, it's weedwhacking.
Okay, it's going to work for ashort period of time, but you
want to be simultaneouslyimploding, employing a dig it
out at the root strategy, whichis how we keep it from coming
(18:07):
back right, which is gettingreally in touch with the depth
of your energetic self that isdirectly connected to source
energy.
Source energy sees you only aspure positive energy.
It is your ego, it is yourwounded sense of pride that
keeps telling you you suck, andthose are all lies, right,
(18:28):
because at your core level,you're pure positive energy and
source knows that.
And and I only see you as purepositive energy And I only talk
to you about these things to getall that wounded pride stuff
out of the way so that you couldsee yourself the way I see you.
God only sees you as purepositive energy.
Your bestie sees you as purepositive energy, right?
So get on board love.
(18:49):
So rooting it out means stayingin touch with the truth of who
you are, which is pure, positiveenergy.
Rooting it out means givingyour brain the tools it needs to
get the traumas out of its wayfrom the way that your brain
functions right, the structureof the brain, the neuronal
pathways that have been forgedin your brain, the paired
(19:11):
stimulus, the.
Did you ever hear about Pavlovand his dogs, how he rang the
bell and gave them their foodand they salivated?
because that's what dogs dowhen you feed them, they start
to drool, right, and eventually,just from ringing the bell, the
dogs would salivate.
That's a paired stimulus, right?
So you have a paired stimulusin your mind about your worth
(19:32):
and people's acceptance of you,right.
When I'm a good girl, peopleaccept me.
That's become a paired stimulusin your mind.
So we have to break thatstimulus down because it's not
true, right?
You are pure, positive energyand you have associated people
(19:53):
rejecting you with your worth,and it's a faulty belief, it's a
faulty pattern, and so we haveto weaken that stimulus.
And how do we do that?
We do that by when you feeltriggered that you need to be
validated.
You go back to visiting thetruth.
You tap into something thatfeels deeper and more grounding
(20:15):
and you do healing activitiesthat break the stimulus.
Eft tapping breaks thatnegatively paired stimulus.
Emdr breaks that stimulus.
Taking deep breaths You know, iwas reading all of your comments
in the 21 day journalingprogram recently and when you
were on the journal promptsabout breathing deeply and
(20:37):
getting still while you werescribbling and listening to the
playlist the musical playlist Iprovided you you felt more
grounded.
In that moment, you feltclearer.
You felt.
Now a handful of you didn't ahandful of you felt really,
really upset.
You were tuned into how upsetyou felt.
Generally speaking, just byaccessing that little bit of
(20:58):
journaling and that deepbreathing and that music, you
were able to feel what I'mtalking about that pure positive
energy.
You were at least able to senseit.
Maybe you also felt some pain,right.
But so when you feel this deep,desperate craving for external
validation, you may use a weedwhacking strategy.
You may open a dating app andyou may phone a friend and ask
(21:22):
her to tell you you're prettyand you may hook up.
But promise me, thank you,promise You will also use a
rooting out strategy of gettingconnected with the truth, of
doing some EFT tapping, somejournals, some deep breathing,
some box breathing, somediaphragmatic breathing, while
(21:46):
really sinking into somepositive messaging from your
favorite, your favoritemotivational people, right?
Whether that's me or Glen andDoyle, or Brené Brown, or
Abraham Hicks or whomever yourfavorite motivational person is.
That gets you back into thetruth of yourself, reminds you
(22:10):
of the truth of who you areRight.
Okay, i feel like you have astrategy now for when you feel
that craving for validation, youhave some strategies to employ.
Now I don't want you to getbogged down.
And which one should I use?
just pick one, right, becausesometimes we get, you know, when
(22:32):
we look at a menu and you'relike, oh, there's too many good
choices, which one, i don't care, just pick one.
Just pick one and go and do itAnd eventually, love, you will
reach a tipping point, andthat's what we're looking for
here.
Eventually, you will reach atipping point where you feel
more benefit from doing therooting out strategy than you do
(22:53):
from the weed whacking strategy.
And if you haven't reached thattipping point yet, it doesn't
mean you're doing it wrong.
It just means you got to getsome more more momentum going
with this rooting it outstrategy And eventually you will
hit that tipping point.
It's coming, i know it.
I love you so much.
Peace Deer.
(23:22):
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMy Coach Dawn.
You can find more atMyCoachDawingcom.
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