June 29, 2026 • 30 mins
Today I'm answering three questions I get asked constantly. And I picked these three on purpose, because they build on each other. The first one is the controversial one: can a fearful-avoidant actually have a successful relationship WITHOUT going to therapy? People want me to say no. I'm not going to say no. But I'm also not going to give you the comfortable answer.
The second question is one almost everyone struggles with: how do I know if what I'm feeling is anxiety, or if it's a real need I should actually honor? Because those two things feel identical in your body, and most of the internet can't tell you the difference.
And the third one is personal, and a lot of you have felt it: "I feel abandoned every single time my partner goes off to a team dinner or out with friends. How do I get over this?" We're going to take that one apart together, because the real answer isn't what you think it is.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Today I'm answering three questions I get asked
constantly, and I pick thesethree on purpose because they
build on each other.
The first one is a controversialone.
Can a fearful avoidant actuallyhave a successful relationship
without going to therapy?
People want me to say no.
I'm not going to say no, but I'malso not going to give you a
(00:23):
comfortable answer.
The second question is onealmost everyone struggles with,
and that is, how do I know ifwhat I'm feeling is anxiety or
if it's a real need that Ishould actually honor?
Because those two things canfeel identical in your body, and
most of the internet can't tellyou the difference.
(00:44):
And the third one is verypersonal.
And a lot of you have felt it.
I feel abandoned every singletime my partner goes off to a
team dinner or out with friends.
How do I get over this?
We're going to take that oneapart together because the real
answer isn't what you think itis.
(01:05):
So let's get into it.
So, can a fearful avoidantactually have a successful
relationship without going totherapy?
I believe they can.
That's a full stop.
But, and this is the wholething, they need to have actual
tools and they need to beworking on them.
So the answer is yes, with thecondition attached.
(01:26):
And the condition is everything.
Therapy isn't the only path tohealing, but healing isn't
optional.
Those are two differentstatements, and people collapse
them together, generally so.
They hear you don't strictlyneed therapy, and they hear you
(01:46):
don't need to do the work.
That is not what I'm saying.
What therapy provides is thebest, best case scenario, three
things.
It's going to present to youawareness, regulation, and
accountability.
If a fearful avoidant can getthose three things, build real
(02:09):
tools around them and actuallyuse them, they can absolutely
have a successful relationship.
See, the method matters lessthan whether those things are
really happening.
Now, when it comes to awareness,you have to catch your patterns
while it's happening, not threedays later.
(02:30):
When it comes to regulation, youneed a way to calm your nervous
system when the intimacy startsto feel like danger instead of
just acting on the urge to runaway and hide or shut down.
The accountability, you have toown your impact on your
(02:52):
relationship and repair it, notto get defensive or explain it
away.
Those are the tools.
And here's my position as acoach.
I think the tools are a part ofpeople that are, or these these
(03:15):
tools are what people aredesperate for, they're starving
for and not getting.
Which brings me to something Ineed to say because it's going
to help some of you who feelstuck.
Not all help is created equal.
You want to find the rightperson.
(03:37):
And it's like dating.
The right person for healing islike finding the right person
for dating.
You have to ask the rightquestions, and you are allowed
to be selective.
Here's what I mean.
Some therapists don't specializein attachment at all.
We think that we go to atherapist and that's going to
(03:58):
fix our problems, but not allspecialists, or not all
therapists specialize inattachment theory or attachment
styles or give tools forattachment healing.
That's not to knock on them.
Attachment is a specific thing.
And a wonderful therapist forgrief or anxiety might not be
(04:18):
the right person or the rightfit for attachment repair.
So you get to ask, do you workwith attachment?
You get to ask a therapist,what's your approach?
Some therapists are brilliant atinsight and they'll be able to
help you understand yourchildhood deeply, but they don't
send you out with practicaltools to use in the actual
(04:43):
moment your partner walks outthe door or to dinner.
Insight without tools can leaveyou very self-aware and still
completely stuck.
So you want to ask, will I leavewith things that I could
actually practice or just thingsto understand?
And I'll say one more thing, andI'll say it carefully.
(05:07):
Be discerning about who you takeguidance from in this space,
especially online.
Some people are positioningthemselves as experts, but what
they're really building is anaudience to validate their own
unhealed wounds.
They're processing their past inpublic and calling it teaching.
(05:29):
You can usually feel thedifference.
You'll know.
Real guidance will give youtools and point you towards your
own life, the other kind thatwill keep you hooked on them and
their story.
They only validate.
So you have to ask yourself, isthis person making me more
capable or more dependent?
(05:51):
So when I say fearful avoidancecan heal without therapy, I
don't mean skip help.
I mean the goal isn't the labelin therapy.
The goal is actually gettingawareness, regulation, and tools
from somewhere competent.
For some people, that would be agreat attachment-informed
(06:13):
therapist.
And I've met a few of them.
They're out there.
They're few, but they're outthere.
And for some, it might becoaching, which is where I sit.
Because my whole job is handingpeople practical tools to use in
(06:34):
real time.
For some, it's a combination,therapy and coaching.
They're not rivals, they assisteach other, they do different
jobs.
Therapy can go deep into thewound and the past.
Coaching is helping you, givingyou the tools for the present.
(06:57):
My own partner has been intherapy for over 30 years.
I've also been in therapy forabout seven years.
So I'm the last person to try toget you away from therapy.
I'm telling you to beintentional.
I'm asking you to be intentionalabout how you allow people into
(07:20):
your life and who you let guideyou.
So instead of asking, can theyheal without therapy?
Ask, is healing actuallyhappening?
And here's what healing willlook like.
No matter what method you use,can they catch their pattern
earlier than they used to?
(07:44):
Can they sit for repairs faster?
Is their partner feeling moresafe over time and not less?
And can they take ownershipwithout being dragged into it?
If those things are happening,the tools are working.
(08:05):
If they're not, then I'm workingon it on my own, is just a story
to keep you hooked, a way tosound like they're changing
while they're actually avoidingthe discomfort of actually
changing.
And here's the hard truth thatnobody really wants to hear.
(08:26):
And this is happeningunconsciously, underneath it
all, for a fearful, avoidantattached person.
I can handle this myself.
I don't need help, can beavoiding discomfort.
That is the avoidance.
The very thing that would helpis the thing that the pattern is
(08:47):
telling you to avoid.
So I'm not against you doingthis without a therapist.
I'm against anyone who uses Ican do it without a therapist as
a hiding place.
So you want to get the tools,use the tools, and let your
partner actually feel thedifference.
(09:08):
If you're doing that, the labelon who help you really doesn't
matter.
If you're not, no one'scredential in the world is going
to save the relationship.
And I mean, let's be honest.
About my own life here for asecond.
Therapy has helped me to talkthrough some things, but I had
(09:32):
to figure out what tools I canuse to change my situation.
I didn't get a lot of tools as Igive to my clients.
Setting boundaries, I figuredout an easy way to make sense of
that.
And I created a tool that I nowgive to my clients.
How to have priorities and setthem without feeling guilt.
Yeah, I learned that on my own.
(09:53):
Sure, my therapist said it'simportant and encouraged me to
set boundaries and to prioritizeand all those good things, but I
had to find the know-how.
And now I give my clients theknow-how.
So my actual answer to can afearful avoidant have a
successful relationship withouttherapy is yes.
(10:16):
No, no therapy means I foundanother real way to get the
tools and I'm using them.
Never if it means no work.
The relationship doesn't needthem to carry a label of being
in therapy.
It needs them to be healing withreal tools in real time.
(10:42):
Those aren't always the samethings, but they're not
opposites of each other either.
Question two, how do I know ifit's my anxiety or a real need?
This is one of the mostimportant questions in all of
(11:04):
our attachment work becausehere's the problem: anxiety and
the real need feel exactly thesame way in your body, same
tight chess, same urgency to fixthe problem, same, I have to do
something right now.
So you can't tell them apart byhow intense the feelings are.
The intensity is not theinformation.
(11:26):
A real need can feel quiet, andanxiety can feel like a massive
alarm going off in your head,and you just can't control
anything.
So we need a better test thanhow strong is it.
So, what I'm gonna do is I'mgonna give you four ways to tell
(11:48):
the difference because no singletest is going to be perfect.
And when you run a feelingthrough all four, you will
usually get the truth prettyclearly.
Test one.
The source of anxiety is usuallyabout the past.
(12:15):
Wearing, you know, it's the pastshowing up today.
It's your nervous system'spattern matching a current
situation to an old wound.
It's something that has happenedin the past, and now you're
feeling that pain all overagain.
There is a link.
(12:36):
What you want to do is askyourself, have I felt this exact
feeling many times before inother relationships?
Even in childhood, if thisfeeling has a long history that
predates this person, that's astrong sign.
It's anxiety, not a response towho they actually are.
(13:00):
A real need tends to be aboutsomething else specific that's
actually happening right nowwith this person in this
situation.
Test two, the evidence.
Anxiety runs on an assumptionand a story.
He didn't text me back, so he'slosing interest.
(13:21):
That's a story.
There's no evidence in it, justa feeling that looks like a
fact.
A real need is grounded insomething that you can observe
and a repeated behavior.
He's canceled the last fourplans we made and hasn't
(13:45):
suggested rescheduling.
That there is evidence.
So ask if I had to argue this infront of a neutral person.
Do I have actual behavior topoint to, or do I just have a
feeling and a story I builtaround it?
(14:05):
Test three.
And this one is huge.
What does the feeling actuallywant?
Anxiety wants relief.
It wants the bad feeling to stopright now, and it'll take any
quick hit, any dopamine forreassurance.
That's why anxious reassurance,seeking validation, never fills
(14:29):
you up.
You're always going to wantsomething more because relief
isn't the same as a resolution.
You get the I love you andeverything's fine.
And 20 minutes later, you needit again.
A real need wants resolution.
It wants something to actuallychange or be understood.
And once that need is met, itstays met.
So ask yourself (14:52):
if I got reassurance right now, would I
be settled tomorrow?
Or would I need it again?
And if it's a bottomless pit,that's anxiety.
If meeting it once wouldactually resolve it, that's a
(15:13):
real need.
And here is test four.
The tone.
Anxiety is urgent and demanding.
It's controlling.
It says, right now, or somethingterrible is going to happen.
Think of a child that is askingfor a lollipop and the parent is
saying, No, I can't give it toyou right now.
(15:35):
And child's like, no, I want itright now.
I want it right now.
If you have that feeling ofurgency right now, and you're
afraid that if you don't getthis thing, you're not getting
the lollipop, you're not goingto be happy.
Right?
A real need can be stated calmlyand can usually tolerate a wait.
(16:00):
You can wait in it.
This doesn't mean that realneeds aren't important or can be
endlessly deferred.
It means that a real needdoesn't feel so urgent that it
needs to be sorted out now oreverything collapse.
If you don't act on it in thenext four minutes, everything
(16:21):
falls apart.
So if you can wait, if youcannot sit with the feeling for
even an hour without acting,without just checking in text,
that urgency is the informationyou're looking for.
And that is usually anxiety andnot the need.
(16:45):
Now, here is the nuance theinternet usually skips, and I
believe it's the most importantpart.
It is not either or.
Most of the times it's both.
You can have anxiety and a realneed tangled up in the same
moment.
The skill isn't picking a team,picking which one's right.
The skill is to separate thetwo.
(17:07):
So you can regulate anxiety andstill honor your needs.
Here's how that work inpractice.
What you want to do is firstregulate.
You get your nervous system outof the alarm phase because you
(17:27):
cannot think clearly from thatflooded state of emotions.
Then once you're calm, you checkin on what's left.
If the need completelydisappears the second you're
calm, it was mostly anxiety.
If there's something there afteryou've been regulated, a real
(17:51):
quiet, yeah, this is still, thisis still important, this still
matters to me, that's your realneed.
And it deserves to becommunicated and honored.
But first you want to regulate,then evaluate, because that
order matters.
What survives the calm is thereal need.
(18:15):
Right?
When you're calm, regulated, andyou're still feeling something's
off, that there is the need.
Usually it comes from when wefeel like you know our partner
is inconsistent, there's somesort of unsafety there.
They said they were going to dosomething, they're not doing it.
We're expecting them, they'renot showing up.
(18:37):
You need consistency.
Or if you're trying to shareyour feelings and they shut it
down for whatever reason, you'renot feeling heard or respected.
Respect is a real need.
But the whole test is in thatone sentence, and that's the
perfect bridge to the thirdquestion, because it's a real
(18:58):
life example of exactly what Ijust said.
The inconsistencies we feel thatmakes us feel insecure in
relationships.
Third question (19:08):
I feel abandoned every time he goes to team or
friends' dinners.
How do I get over this?
Okay, a lot of us feel this way.
We've felt this way at somepoint or the other.
You're probably going through itright now.
Your partner goes off to a workdinner or out with his friends,
(19:29):
and something in you just drops.
It feels like abandonment, itfeels like being left.
And then on top of the hurt,there's a second layer, shame,
because some part of you knowhe's allowed to go to dinner,
and you feel ridiculous forbeing upset about something that
(19:52):
is so normal.
First, I want to take the shameoff.
Because you can't heal anythingyou're ashamed of.
It's information, the shame isinformation that there just
sometimes when you want to begentle with yourself.
(20:15):
Because that feeling makescomplete sense.
If you have an anxiousattachment, your nervous system
learned at some point thatconnection is unreliable, that
people you love can becomeunavailable without warning.
So when your partner leaves,even for something completely
ordinary, your system reads itas a threat to your bond.
(20:38):
That's not you being crazy orcontrolling, that's an old scary
alarm doing exactly what it wasbuilt to do.
But, and this is the most lovingpart I can give.
Understanding why you feel itdoesn't mean you get to hand
that feeling to him to manage.
(21:01):
He shouldn't have to give upteam dinners and friendships so
that your past alarm systemdoesn't go off.
That would shrink his life tomanage your anxiety.
And a relationship where oneperson disappears socially to
(21:22):
keep the other one regulated isnot actually secure.
It's not healthy.
It is just something that lookscalm on the surface.
Beneath it all, there's going tobe a resentment being built up.
So let's run this through atest.
Just a few questions that youcan ask yourself.
(21:45):
Ask yourself is this feelingold?
Almost certainly it is.
The left behind feeling usuallycame a long time before this
partner, and by decades.
That points to anxiety.
Evidence.
You're looking for evidence.
(22:06):
Has he actually abandoned you?
Does he go out to dinners andthen disappear on you for days,
go cold, become unreachable?
Or does he go have his dinnerand then come home to you like
he always does?
If it's the second one, there isno evidence of abandonment.
(22:26):
There's a story of abandonmentthat your nervous system is
telling on top of the completelysafe event.
The goal is do you want him tonot go?
Do you want relief or do youactually want something specific
(22:48):
that would resolve it?
Is it a panicked don't leave me?
Or could it become something youcalmly request?
Run through those two questionshonestly.
(23:09):
And for most people, most of thetime, this one lands mostly on
the anxiety side.
So how do you actually getthrough it?
And not just push through, whiteknuckle it.
(23:30):
Let me give you a few realsteps.
Before he goes, name it toyourself.
You can say internally or outloud, I'm noticing the abandoned
feeling.
This is from my past.
It is not evidence that anythingis wrong.
(23:51):
When you name it, it createstiny gaps between you and the
feeling and a gap in yourchoice.
You get to now choose how you'regoing to approach this.
Then make an actual plan foryour own evening.
The goal is to have your ownlife, that something that lights
you up, makes you happy whenhe's out, not to sit there
(24:14):
waiting and watching the clock.
Anxious attachment gets so muchworse in that empty, waiting,
sitting around posture.
During regulation, regulate yourbody, breathe, take a walk, do
some movement, call a friend,get into something that is
(24:36):
absorbing.
And here's the discipline part.
And this is not easy.
Don't text him to check thetemperature of the bond.
People do that.
I'm just checking in.
How are you doing?
And when they get a response,ooh, this is nice and warm.
When they don't get a response,ooh, this is cold.
I don't like it.
(24:59):
The have fun text, that's warm.
Seven check-ins is your anxietytrying to get some sort of
relief.
But the best thing to do isappreciate that your partner is
out there enjoying their time sothey could come back to you all
(25:20):
refreshed.
Let him have his night.
Right?
After you notice that mostimportant piece of the evidence
will probably never becollected.
You'll see that he comes backevery single time he goes out
and comes home.
You are gathering proof thatcontradicts this old story.
(25:43):
And that's how the nervoussystem actually relearns safety
through repeated, livedexperiences that's evidence, not
through reassurance.
Now I told you it's more thanlikely anxiety, but let's honor
the part of you that this mightactually be a real need because
(26:04):
it's almost never zero, right?
Maybe the real need isn'tunderneath don't go.
Maybe it's a connection beforeand after.
So to be totally fair, securelystated requests sounds like I
love that you have your friendsand your work dinners.
(26:24):
I love that you enjoy them.
Something that would really helpme is a hug before you leave and
a little reconnection when youget home.
Can we do that?
And notice what that does.
It doesn't restrict him sosuddenly he's not getting all
defensive and feelingsuffocated.
It doesn't make his dinner theproblem.
(26:46):
He doesn't feel like I'm doingsomething wrong and you're going
to be upset and you're going toleave him.
It asks for connection insteadof demanding that he does not
go.
You're asking for something.
You're saying, Yeah, sure, goahead.
But can you also do this for me?
And that's the real need.
And it cleanly separates thefeeling of being abandoned and
(27:14):
now asking for connection.
So the answer to how do I getover this is not by him staying
home.
You get over it by regulating anold pattern, an old feeling, an
old behavior.
And that you do by building yourown life, asking for connection
(27:35):
around everything that's goingon instead of restriction and
letting his consistent return toyou slowly teach your nervous
system that this time leavingand abandonment are not the same
(27:56):
thing.
And that's the work.
That's the work that we have todo on ourselves.
And it is so worth it.
I've been through this, I knowhow worth it this is.
It's something that I've done.
I used to be afraid too that ifmy partner didn't respond, then
he was going to be gone orwhatever was going on there.
And then I started to just lookat his patterns and my body
(28:18):
started to trust it.
And now it's like I could texthim, and if he doesn't respond
all day or ever, I just know heforgot.
He probably saw it and forgot.
And that's the work that you doon yourself.
Because having a healthyrelationship, being able to love
(28:41):
someone without having tocontrol the narrative, just to
sit back and relax and enjoy ahappy, healthy relationship.
It is so, so worth healing ouranxious attachment and our
avoidant attachment style.
So let's put these threetogether because they're really
(29:02):
pretty much the same thing, justthey sound differently.
Question one, an avoidant canheal without therapy, but only
if real healing is actuallyhappening with real tools and
used in real time.
Not if no therapy is just apolite way of saying no work.
Question two, anxiety and realneeds can feel identical.
(29:27):
So you regulate first and thensee what happens after you're
calm.
What is left is going to be thereal need.
If it's I still need to connectwith my partner, that's the real
need.
But wait until you're calm.
And question three is just thesame skills applied to Tuesday
night when he goes out with hisfriends or to dinner, and your
(29:50):
nervous system is on high alert,you wait until you are calm and
regulated and ask, Do I stillfeel unsafe?
And again, remember when yourpartner is leaving and you feel
like you're being abandoned, ittakes time to see that they keep
showing up for you and you don'thave to be concerned.
(30:10):
And that's when safety is built.
But this takes time.
I'm Annalisa Bahadur, and thisis Decoding Attachment Style.
Until next time.
Today I'm answering three questions I get asked
constantly, and I pick thesethree on purpose because they
build on each other.
The first one is a controversialone.
Can a fearful avoidant actuallyhave a successful relationship
without going to therapy?
People want me to say no.
I'm not going to say no, but I'malso not going to give you a
(00:23):
comfortable answer.
The second question is onealmost everyone struggles with,
and that is, how do I know ifwhat I'm feeling is anxiety or
if it's a real need that Ishould actually honor?
Because those two things canfeel identical in your body, and
most of the internet can't tellyou the difference.
(00:44):
And the third one is verypersonal.
And a lot of you have felt it.
I feel abandoned every singletime my partner goes off to a
team dinner or out with friends.
How do I get over this?
We're going to take that oneapart together because the real
answer isn't what you think itis.
(01:05):
So let's get into it.
So, can a fearful avoidantactually have a successful
relationship without going totherapy?
I believe they can.
That's a full stop.
But, and this is the wholething, they need to have actual
tools and they need to beworking on them.
So the answer is yes, with thecondition attached.
(01:26):
And the condition is everything.
Therapy isn't the only path tohealing, but healing isn't
optional.
Those are two differentstatements, and people collapse
them together, generally so.
They hear you don't strictlyneed therapy, and they hear you
(01:46):
don't need to do the work.
That is not what I'm saying.
What therapy provides is thebest, best case scenario, three
things.
It's going to present to youawareness, regulation, and
accountability.
If a fearful avoidant can getthose three things, build real
(02:09):
tools around them and actuallyuse them, they can absolutely
have a successful relationship.
See, the method matters lessthan whether those things are
really happening.
Now, when it comes to awareness,you have to catch your patterns
while it's happening, not threedays later.
(02:30):
When it comes to regulation, youneed a way to calm your nervous
system when the intimacy startsto feel like danger instead of
just acting on the urge to runaway and hide or shut down.
The accountability, you have toown your impact on your
(02:52):
relationship and repair it, notto get defensive or explain it
away.
Those are the tools.
And here's my position as acoach.
I think the tools are a part ofpeople that are, or these these
(03:15):
tools are what people aredesperate for, they're starving
for and not getting.
Which brings me to something Ineed to say because it's going
to help some of you who feelstuck.
Not all help is created equal.
You want to find the rightperson.
(03:37):
And it's like dating.
The right person for healing islike finding the right person
for dating.
You have to ask the rightquestions, and you are allowed
to be selective.
Here's what I mean.
Some therapists don't specializein attachment at all.
We think that we go to atherapist and that's going to
(03:58):
fix our problems, but not allspecialists, or not all
therapists specialize inattachment theory or attachment
styles or give tools forattachment healing.
That's not to knock on them.
Attachment is a specific thing.
And a wonderful therapist forgrief or anxiety might not be
(04:18):
the right person or the rightfit for attachment repair.
So you get to ask, do you workwith attachment?
You get to ask a therapist,what's your approach?
Some therapists are brilliant atinsight and they'll be able to
help you understand yourchildhood deeply, but they don't
send you out with practicaltools to use in the actual
(04:43):
moment your partner walks outthe door or to dinner.
Insight without tools can leaveyou very self-aware and still
completely stuck.
So you want to ask, will I leavewith things that I could
actually practice or just thingsto understand?
And I'll say one more thing, andI'll say it carefully.
(05:07):
Be discerning about who you takeguidance from in this space,
especially online.
Some people are positioningthemselves as experts, but what
they're really building is anaudience to validate their own
unhealed wounds.
They're processing their past inpublic and calling it teaching.
(05:29):
You can usually feel thedifference.
You'll know.
Real guidance will give youtools and point you towards your
own life, the other kind thatwill keep you hooked on them and
their story.
They only validate.
So you have to ask yourself, isthis person making me more
capable or more dependent?
(05:51):
So when I say fearful avoidancecan heal without therapy, I
don't mean skip help.
I mean the goal isn't the labelin therapy.
The goal is actually gettingawareness, regulation, and tools
from somewhere competent.
For some people, that would be agreat attachment-informed
(06:13):
therapist.
And I've met a few of them.
They're out there.
They're few, but they're outthere.
And for some, it might becoaching, which is where I sit.
Because my whole job is handingpeople practical tools to use in
(06:34):
real time.
For some, it's a combination,therapy and coaching.
They're not rivals, they assisteach other, they do different
jobs.
Therapy can go deep into thewound and the past.
Coaching is helping you, givingyou the tools for the present.
(06:57):
My own partner has been intherapy for over 30 years.
I've also been in therapy forabout seven years.
So I'm the last person to try toget you away from therapy.
I'm telling you to beintentional.
I'm asking you to be intentionalabout how you allow people into
(07:20):
your life and who you let guideyou.
So instead of asking, can theyheal without therapy?
Ask, is healing actuallyhappening?
And here's what healing willlook like.
No matter what method you use,can they catch their pattern
earlier than they used to?
(07:44):
Can they sit for repairs faster?
Is their partner feeling moresafe over time and not less?
And can they take ownershipwithout being dragged into it?
If those things are happening,the tools are working.
(08:05):
If they're not, then I'm workingon it on my own, is just a story
to keep you hooked, a way tosound like they're changing
while they're actually avoidingthe discomfort of actually
changing.
And here's the hard truth thatnobody really wants to hear.
(08:26):
And this is happeningunconsciously, underneath it
all, for a fearful, avoidantattached person.
I can handle this myself.
I don't need help, can beavoiding discomfort.
That is the avoidance.
The very thing that would helpis the thing that the pattern is
(08:47):
telling you to avoid.
So I'm not against you doingthis without a therapist.
I'm against anyone who uses Ican do it without a therapist as
a hiding place.
So you want to get the tools,use the tools, and let your
partner actually feel thedifference.
(09:08):
If you're doing that, the labelon who help you really doesn't
matter.
If you're not, no one'scredential in the world is going
to save the relationship.
And I mean, let's be honest.
About my own life here for asecond.
Therapy has helped me to talkthrough some things, but I had
(09:32):
to figure out what tools I canuse to change my situation.
I didn't get a lot of tools as Igive to my clients.
Setting boundaries, I figuredout an easy way to make sense of
that.
And I created a tool that I nowgive to my clients.
How to have priorities and setthem without feeling guilt.
Yeah, I learned that on my own.
(09:53):
Sure, my therapist said it'simportant and encouraged me to
set boundaries and to prioritizeand all those good things, but I
had to find the know-how.
And now I give my clients theknow-how.
So my actual answer to can afearful avoidant have a
successful relationship withouttherapy is yes.
(10:16):
No, no therapy means I foundanother real way to get the
tools and I'm using them.
Never if it means no work.
The relationship doesn't needthem to carry a label of being
in therapy.
It needs them to be healing withreal tools in real time.
(10:42):
Those aren't always the samethings, but they're not
opposites of each other either.
Question two, how do I know ifit's my anxiety or a real need?
This is one of the mostimportant questions in all of
(11:04):
our attachment work becausehere's the problem: anxiety and
the real need feel exactly thesame way in your body, same
tight chess, same urgency to fixthe problem, same, I have to do
something right now.
So you can't tell them apart byhow intense the feelings are.
The intensity is not theinformation.
(11:26):
A real need can feel quiet, andanxiety can feel like a massive
alarm going off in your head,and you just can't control
anything.
So we need a better test thanhow strong is it.
So, what I'm gonna do is I'mgonna give you four ways to tell
(11:48):
the difference because no singletest is going to be perfect.
And when you run a feelingthrough all four, you will
usually get the truth prettyclearly.
Test one.
The source of anxiety is usuallyabout the past.
(12:15):
Wearing, you know, it's the pastshowing up today.
It's your nervous system'spattern matching a current
situation to an old wound.
It's something that has happenedin the past, and now you're
feeling that pain all overagain.
There is a link.
(12:36):
What you want to do is askyourself, have I felt this exact
feeling many times before inother relationships?
Even in childhood, if thisfeeling has a long history that
predates this person, that's astrong sign.
It's anxiety, not a response towho they actually are.
(13:00):
A real need tends to be aboutsomething else specific that's
actually happening right nowwith this person in this
situation.
Test two, the evidence.
Anxiety runs on an assumptionand a story.
He didn't text me back, so he'slosing interest.
(13:21):
That's a story.
There's no evidence in it, justa feeling that looks like a
fact.
A real need is grounded insomething that you can observe
and a repeated behavior.
He's canceled the last fourplans we made and hasn't
(13:45):
suggested rescheduling.
That there is evidence.
So ask if I had to argue this infront of a neutral person.
Do I have actual behavior topoint to, or do I just have a
feeling and a story I builtaround it?
(14:05):
Test three.
And this one is huge.
What does the feeling actuallywant?
Anxiety wants relief.
It wants the bad feeling to stopright now, and it'll take any
quick hit, any dopamine forreassurance.
That's why anxious reassurance,seeking validation, never fills
(14:29):
you up.
You're always going to wantsomething more because relief
isn't the same as a resolution.
You get the I love you andeverything's fine.
And 20 minutes later, you needit again.
A real need wants resolution.
It wants something to actuallychange or be understood.
And once that need is met, itstays met.
So ask yourself (14:52):
if I got reassurance right now, would I
be settled tomorrow?
Or would I need it again?
And if it's a bottomless pit,that's anxiety.
If meeting it once wouldactually resolve it, that's a
(15:13):
real need.
And here is test four.
The tone.
Anxiety is urgent and demanding.
It's controlling.
It says, right now, or somethingterrible is going to happen.
Think of a child that is askingfor a lollipop and the parent is
saying, No, I can't give it toyou right now.
(15:35):
And child's like, no, I want itright now.
I want it right now.
If you have that feeling ofurgency right now, and you're
afraid that if you don't getthis thing, you're not getting
the lollipop, you're not goingto be happy.
Right?
A real need can be stated calmlyand can usually tolerate a wait.
(16:00):
You can wait in it.
This doesn't mean that realneeds aren't important or can be
endlessly deferred.
It means that a real needdoesn't feel so urgent that it
needs to be sorted out now oreverything collapse.
If you don't act on it in thenext four minutes, everything
(16:21):
falls apart.
So if you can wait, if youcannot sit with the feeling for
even an hour without acting,without just checking in text,
that urgency is the informationyou're looking for.
And that is usually anxiety andnot the need.
(16:45):
Now, here is the nuance theinternet usually skips, and I
believe it's the most importantpart.
It is not either or.
Most of the times it's both.
You can have anxiety and a realneed tangled up in the same
moment.
The skill isn't picking a team,picking which one's right.
The skill is to separate thetwo.
(17:07):
So you can regulate anxiety andstill honor your needs.
Here's how that work inpractice.
What you want to do is firstregulate.
You get your nervous system outof the alarm phase because you
(17:27):
cannot think clearly from thatflooded state of emotions.
Then once you're calm, you checkin on what's left.
If the need completelydisappears the second you're
calm, it was mostly anxiety.
If there's something there afteryou've been regulated, a real
(17:51):
quiet, yeah, this is still, thisis still important, this still
matters to me, that's your realneed.
And it deserves to becommunicated and honored.
But first you want to regulate,then evaluate, because that
order matters.
What survives the calm is thereal need.
(18:15):
Right?
When you're calm, regulated, andyou're still feeling something's
off, that there is the need.
Usually it comes from when wefeel like you know our partner
is inconsistent, there's somesort of unsafety there.
They said they were going to dosomething, they're not doing it.
We're expecting them, they'renot showing up.
(18:37):
You need consistency.
Or if you're trying to shareyour feelings and they shut it
down for whatever reason, you'renot feeling heard or respected.
Respect is a real need.
But the whole test is in thatone sentence, and that's the
perfect bridge to the thirdquestion, because it's a real
(18:58):
life example of exactly what Ijust said.
The inconsistencies we feel thatmakes us feel insecure in
relationships.
Third question (19:08):
I feel abandoned every time he goes to team or
friends' dinners.
How do I get over this?
Okay, a lot of us feel this way.
We've felt this way at somepoint or the other.
You're probably going through itright now.
Your partner goes off to a workdinner or out with his friends,
(19:29):
and something in you just drops.
It feels like abandonment, itfeels like being left.
And then on top of the hurt,there's a second layer, shame,
because some part of you knowhe's allowed to go to dinner,
and you feel ridiculous forbeing upset about something that
(19:52):
is so normal.
First, I want to take the shameoff.
Because you can't heal anythingyou're ashamed of.
It's information, the shame isinformation that there just
sometimes when you want to begentle with yourself.
(20:15):
Because that feeling makescomplete sense.
If you have an anxiousattachment, your nervous system
learned at some point thatconnection is unreliable, that
people you love can becomeunavailable without warning.
So when your partner leaves,even for something completely
ordinary, your system reads itas a threat to your bond.
(20:38):
That's not you being crazy orcontrolling, that's an old scary
alarm doing exactly what it wasbuilt to do.
But, and this is the most lovingpart I can give.
Understanding why you feel itdoesn't mean you get to hand
that feeling to him to manage.
(21:01):
He shouldn't have to give upteam dinners and friendships so
that your past alarm systemdoesn't go off.
That would shrink his life tomanage your anxiety.
And a relationship where oneperson disappears socially to
(21:22):
keep the other one regulated isnot actually secure.
It's not healthy.
It is just something that lookscalm on the surface.
Beneath it all, there's going tobe a resentment being built up.
So let's run this through atest.
Just a few questions that youcan ask yourself.
(21:45):
Ask yourself is this feelingold?
Almost certainly it is.
The left behind feeling usuallycame a long time before this
partner, and by decades.
That points to anxiety.
Evidence.
You're looking for evidence.
(22:06):
Has he actually abandoned you?
Does he go out to dinners andthen disappear on you for days,
go cold, become unreachable?
Or does he go have his dinnerand then come home to you like
he always does?
If it's the second one, there isno evidence of abandonment.
(22:26):
There's a story of abandonmentthat your nervous system is
telling on top of the completelysafe event.
The goal is do you want him tonot go?
Do you want relief or do youactually want something specific
(22:48):
that would resolve it?
Is it a panicked don't leave me?
Or could it become something youcalmly request?
Run through those two questionshonestly.
(23:09):
And for most people, most of thetime, this one lands mostly on
the anxiety side.
So how do you actually getthrough it?
And not just push through, whiteknuckle it.
(23:30):
Let me give you a few realsteps.
Before he goes, name it toyourself.
You can say internally or outloud, I'm noticing the abandoned
feeling.
This is from my past.
It is not evidence that anythingis wrong.
(23:51):
When you name it, it createstiny gaps between you and the
feeling and a gap in yourchoice.
You get to now choose how you'regoing to approach this.
Then make an actual plan foryour own evening.
The goal is to have your ownlife, that something that lights
you up, makes you happy whenhe's out, not to sit there
(24:14):
waiting and watching the clock.
Anxious attachment gets so muchworse in that empty, waiting,
sitting around posture.
During regulation, regulate yourbody, breathe, take a walk, do
some movement, call a friend,get into something that is
(24:36):
absorbing.
And here's the discipline part.
And this is not easy.
Don't text him to check thetemperature of the bond.
People do that.
I'm just checking in.
How are you doing?
And when they get a response,ooh, this is nice and warm.
When they don't get a response,ooh, this is cold.
I don't like it.
(24:59):
The have fun text, that's warm.
Seven check-ins is your anxietytrying to get some sort of
relief.
But the best thing to do isappreciate that your partner is
out there enjoying their time sothey could come back to you all
(25:20):
refreshed.
Let him have his night.
Right?
After you notice that mostimportant piece of the evidence
will probably never becollected.
You'll see that he comes backevery single time he goes out
and comes home.
You are gathering proof thatcontradicts this old story.
(25:43):
And that's how the nervoussystem actually relearns safety
through repeated, livedexperiences that's evidence, not
through reassurance.
Now I told you it's more thanlikely anxiety, but let's honor
the part of you that this mightactually be a real need because
(26:04):
it's almost never zero, right?
Maybe the real need isn'tunderneath don't go.
Maybe it's a connection beforeand after.
So to be totally fair, securelystated requests sounds like I
love that you have your friendsand your work dinners.
(26:24):
I love that you enjoy them.
Something that would really helpme is a hug before you leave and
a little reconnection when youget home.
Can we do that?
And notice what that does.
It doesn't restrict him sosuddenly he's not getting all
defensive and feelingsuffocated.
It doesn't make his dinner theproblem.
(26:46):
He doesn't feel like I'm doingsomething wrong and you're going
to be upset and you're going toleave him.
It asks for connection insteadof demanding that he does not
go.
You're asking for something.
You're saying, Yeah, sure, goahead.
But can you also do this for me?
And that's the real need.
And it cleanly separates thefeeling of being abandoned and
(27:14):
now asking for connection.
So the answer to how do I getover this is not by him staying
home.
You get over it by regulating anold pattern, an old feeling, an
old behavior.
And that you do by building yourown life, asking for connection
(27:35):
around everything that's goingon instead of restriction and
letting his consistent return toyou slowly teach your nervous
system that this time leavingand abandonment are not the same
(27:56):
thing.
And that's the work.
That's the work that we have todo on ourselves.
And it is so worth it.
I've been through this, I knowhow worth it this is.
It's something that I've done.
I used to be afraid too that ifmy partner didn't respond, then
he was going to be gone orwhatever was going on there.
And then I started to just lookat his patterns and my body
(28:18):
started to trust it.
And now it's like I could texthim, and if he doesn't respond
all day or ever, I just know heforgot.
He probably saw it and forgot.
And that's the work that you doon yourself.
Because having a healthyrelationship, being able to love
(28:41):
someone without having tocontrol the narrative, just to
sit back and relax and enjoy ahappy, healthy relationship.
It is so, so worth healing ouranxious attachment and our
avoidant attachment style.
So let's put these threetogether because they're really
(29:02):
pretty much the same thing, justthey sound differently.
Question one, an avoidant canheal without therapy, but only
if real healing is actuallyhappening with real tools and
used in real time.
Not if no therapy is just apolite way of saying no work.
Question two, anxiety and realneeds can feel identical.
(29:27):
So you regulate first and thensee what happens after you're
calm.
What is left is going to be thereal need.
If it's I still need to connectwith my partner, that's the real
need.
But wait until you're calm.
And question three is just thesame skills applied to Tuesday
night when he goes out with hisfriends or to dinner, and your
(29:50):
nervous system is on high alert,you wait until you are calm and
regulated and ask, Do I stillfeel unsafe?
And again, remember when yourpartner is leaving and you feel
like you're being abandoned, ittakes time to see that they keep
showing up for you and you don'thave to be concerned.
(30:10):
And that's when safety is built.
But this takes time.
I'm Annalisa Bahadur, and thisis Decoding Attachment Style.
Until next time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.