April 12, 2023 • 45 mins
Welcome to Disrupting Burnout - a podcast where we beat burnout so that you can love your career again! If you weren’t aware, trauma affects both your brain and your body. By addressing the trauma of your past and releasing that energy, you grant yourself an opportunity to heal and chase the dreams that God placed in your heart.
This week on Disrupting Burnout, I’m joined by Gabi Ruth, a Woman Who Defines Disruption by creating safe spaces for women and trauma survivors to share their stories, heal, and embrace their unique callings.
Gabi Kelley aka “Gabi Ruth” is an author, speaker, and host of the Pain to Passion Live podcast. As a complex trauma survivor and "trauma mama," she's spent years studying and applying various somatic-based healing modalities, and believes it's both possible and imperative to continue to pursue your God-dreams while healing from your past.
It’s Time To Disrupt Burnout:
00:30 - Access The Dream
09:00 - The Body Keeps Score
14:35 - Fight, Flight, Or Freeze
20:35 - How To Find The Right Support
27:45 - Stay Within Your Window Of Tolerance
36:40 - How To Stay In A Regulated State
Show Yourself Compassion Takeaways
● “Take the time to get present.” - Gabi Ruth
● “You don’t have control over how your system reacts.” - Gabi Ruth
● “What we’ve been through is encoded in our bodies.” - Dr. PBJ
● “You have to work on your story in order to understand and heal .” - Gabi Ruth
● “Stay within your window of tolerance.” - Gabi Ruth
● “You have to show yourself compassion. You’re working with your body, not against your body.” - Gabi Ruth
● “Shame is a terrible motivator.” - Gabi Ruth
● “Surrender to what your body needs.” - Dr. PBJ
● “You can trust the cues your body is giving you.” - Gabi Ruth
Connect With Gabi:
Instagram: @gabiruth | https://instagram.com/gabiruth
Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabiruth84
Website: https://gabiruth.com
Pain to Passion Live Podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/paintopassionlive
Connect with Dr. PBJ
● To connect with Dr. PBJ, go topatricebucknerjackson.com
● Follow Dr. PBJ on IG@drpatricebucknerjackson for#aspoonfulofpbj.
● Need a dynamic transformational speaker? Dr. PBJ is ready to serve. Check outDr. PBJ Speaks | https://www.patricebucknerjackson.com/speaking
● Support The Show |https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lovepbj?locale.x=en_US
Upgrade to Premium Membership to access the Disrupting Burnout audiobook and other bonus content: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1213895/supporters/new
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I thought that I was goingthrough hell with my children.
(00:05):
But that whole experience wasactually intended for my
healing. Because if I hadn'tgone through that, and found out
all of these things that werehappening inside of me, I don't
know that I ever would haveaddressed my story.
(00:28):
Hey, friends, it is Dr. PBJagain. And listen, I am so
grateful that you all continuethis journey of disrupting
burnout with me and thiscommunity. And I pray that
you're getting exactly what youneed, every time you tune in.
And every time you listen, Ihave a friend to introduce you
(00:51):
all to today. And this moment issomeone that I just recently
met. And can I tell you? Can Itell you, the day that I heard
her message, so much shame, felloff on me the message and what
she teaches is so powerful. Andit gave me such a deep
(01:15):
understanding of who I am andhow my body works, that it freed
me to do some things that I'vebeen trying to do for a long
time. And we're gonna talk moreabout this. But before we get
into it, Gabi, I just want tosay how grateful I am to you for
(01:36):
what you are teaching in the waythat you are teaching it.
Because it has meant everything.
I'll tell you. I've been tryingto write a book for years.
years. And I literally heard youjust a couple of months ago, and
I can't stop writing now. Oh, mygoodness. I wake up in the
(01:56):
middle of the night with justbelow. Wow. Get up and put it
down and then I can rest. AndI've been holding this thing for
years. Wow. I haven't evenformally introduced you and
Kelly, welcome to the disruptingburnout podcast. Thank you so
(02:17):
much for what you meant to mylife.
Oh my goodness, well, you'regonna make me cry. I feel so
honored and so blessed. And I'mjust so grateful that something
hit home and it's helped freeyou up to do what you're called
to do. That's incredible.
It has it has and I know there'sso many in this community
(02:41):
struggle and don't understandwhy like we don't go what's
going on in our bodies. Itdoesn't make sense. So let's
just jump into it. Gabi pleasetell the people who you are.
You bet. Well, my name is Gabi.
It's short for Gabriele. I knoweveryone asks me that my Gabi so
it's short for Gabriella insteadof Gabrielle. I go by Gabi Kelly
(03:03):
or Gabi Ruth, and I live inSpokane, Washington with my
family. My two kiddos, myhusband, my dog who's next to
me, complaining right now that Iam on a zoom call. So I
apologize for that. And I gotinto learning about how trauma
affects the body really just bythe grace of God, to be honest,
(03:26):
my son is adopted from Ethiopia,he's incredible. He's almost 10.
Now, we adopted him when he was15 months old. And for anyone
who has known someone who'sadopted or who's been adopted,
you know that any adoption comeswith trauma. It doesn't matter
how perfect of a scenario it is.
(03:50):
Every adoption comes withtrauma. So we were very naive
when we adopted him to be very,very honest. And so basically
learning the hard way that hewas struggling with things going
on in his brain and his body,and having to really advocate to
find help for him. But throughthat process, I really found out
(04:14):
and uncovered my own traumastory. I didn't ever name my
history as traumatic until I methim and learned about what was
going on with him and understoodthat all of the attachment
issues that he was dealing withand all of the trauma issues he
was dealing with in his brainand his body were the same
(04:37):
things that I had beenstruggling with my whole life.
So I don't know I'm alwaysamazed by the grace of God to
unveil my story in that way. AndI just hope that I can honor
him, my son, and my story withthe work that I do. Now, but
I've been so blessed to learnhow trauma affects the brain and
(05:00):
the body and how to release alot of that energy. And to
really start healing and chasingyour dreams. I've been such a
god girl my whole life, and Ilove helping women especially
get free and chase down theirdreams even while they're
healing. And now I just have alot more context of how to do
(05:23):
that without shutting you down,or really hurting yourself
further. So that's kind of whatI'm about.
It's so powerful. It's sopowerful Gaby, because what I
find is, sometimes we feel likethe dream is not in us, or the
answer is not in us. And we arepulling for answers externally.
(05:47):
Give me a book, give me apodcast, give me a coach, give
me somebody. Right. But we missit. Because it's, it's in as
well. We just can't access it.
Right. That to it. It feels likea block. Right?
Totally.
One of the first things you didwhen we experienced you in a
mess, I'm in a mastermind withPatrice Washington. And she
(06:09):
invited you in and I'm sograteful. One of the first
things you did, and I forgotwhat you call it, it but you had
us look around the room. Yeah,just look around the room. And
Gaby, it was so powerful in thatmoment, because I turned to look
behind me. And the sciencebehind me say it is well with my
soul. And people who I meet withsee them all the time. And I
(06:36):
never turned around to see them.
And that moment, may have beenthe first time since I put them
up there that I physicallyturned around and looked at
that. And in that moment, therewas just there was an exhale.
Wow, that I didn't even realizeI was holding my breath.
(06:57):
Does that make sense?
Absolutely. Yeah.
Tell me more about that. Whatdid you have us do? And what's
the power of that?
Yeah, and I really have tocredit my own Somatic
Experiencing coach SarahBaldwin, She's incredible. Every
single time you get on a meetingwith her, she starts the meeting
like that. It's calledorienting. So we just orient to
(07:20):
our space. Sometimes she wouldeven have us orient to her space
to let us know that we were safein her space as well. But
basically, what it does, is asyou slowly look around, and your
intention really is just to lookaround you and take notice of
what you see how differentthings make you feel, maybe
(07:41):
something you get stuck on, likeright now. And I'm looking, I
can see this mug from Germanysitting on the counter. And it
makes me feel happy because it'sfrom a friend in Germany, and
you take the time to getpresent. You really get present
like, Oh, I'm here right now,those things that were worrying
(08:01):
me earlier, I don't have toworry about that right now.
Whatever's happening in thefuture, that's in the future.
I'm here in this moment, and I'msafe. And I can be here because
we spend so much of our time inthe past or in the future,
instead of right in the presentmoment. So that's really the
point of that exercise is justto get you into your body and
(08:21):
into the present moment. Yeah,it was so powerful. And and you
mentioned as you told your storyof how you've learned that the
how our brain works and how ourbody works, and how that impacts
us concerning just existingeveryday but also concerning
pursuing your dreams. So can youhelp us get get into that? Like,
(08:44):
what are some things about ourbodies and how they work that we
need to be aware of eitherhealing trauma and moving
forward into future? Where doyou start with that?
Yeah, I mean, this is somethingI could talk about all day. But
(09:05):
to try to simplify it, some ofyou may have heard the
expression the Body Keeps theScore. There is a very famous
book by that name by Dr. BesselVander Kolk, Vander Kolk. But
the point of that phrase isbasically everything that has
happened to you in the past,especially if you've been
(09:26):
through something that hasharmed you in the past, your
nervous system, or what we callthe autonomic nervous system
actually encodes everythingabout that harmful scenario,
into your body. So that if youdo something in the present,
even if it's something you wantto do, even if it's something
that's perfectly safe, but itreminds your autonomic nervous
(09:50):
system of what happened to youin the past, then it will send
you into fight flight or freezemode, before you even have a
chance to think about it. Andthat's the key point is, it's
before you have a chance tothink about it, the autonomic
part basically means you don'thave control over how your
system reacts. And like I toldyou beautiful ladies in the
(10:13):
class that we did, there's anerve in your body that runs
from your brainstem all the wayto your intestines called the
vagus nerve. And this is whatregulates your autonomic nervous
system. So it opens differentdoorways and pathways based on
the information it's receivingfrom your environment. To tell
you if you're safe or not,that's its full job is to tell
(10:37):
you if you're safe or not. So aswe are pursuing our dreams, as
we're moving into new thingsthat we want to do, oftentimes,
our autonomic nervous systemwill get triggered. Because it's
like, oh, this is scary. This isnew. What if this happens, this
is threatening. So we can learnways to regulate. So we can show
(11:00):
our autonomic nervous systemlike actually what I'm doing now
is safe, we can rewire. So thatover time, as we do this
repeatedly, and show our systemsafety repeatedly, it will
actually have a differentresponse in the future. So then,
like, if you're working on yourbook, like you mentioned
(11:20):
earlier, before we got on therecording, you won't feel
panicked, or you won't go intoshutdown. So yeah, there's lots
of different spaces that yourbody can end up in. But the
point is, we can teach ourselvesnew ways to be compassionate to
our bodies, as we move into thethings that we desire as we move
(11:42):
into the things we want to do,so that we don't have to be
panicked or shut down anymore.
It is so powerful to understandthat what we've been through is
encoded in our bodies. Yes.
Right. And I heard Dr. AnitaPhillips, she's a psych cut
psychologist. And she was sayingeven generations, yes. What have
(12:05):
happened to folks before you canbe passed down and encoded in a
way that your body automaticallydoes its job. Yes, automatically
kind of kicks into gear andresponds to keep you safe. Yes.
And if we don't have thisknowledge, and we don't know
(12:28):
what's going on, it can lead usto a place of frustration with
ourselves, you know, it can leadus to a place of feeling like
we're not enough, you know, thatwhen I say that you freed me
from Shane. Every time I triedto sit down and write this book,
nothing would come, nothingwould come and I knew there was
(12:50):
something in me to say you needto do this. Now I tried to press
to do it, I could not do it. Andthere was shame attached to that
because I'm an achiever,achievers get things done, and I
could not sit down and put putwords on a paper on a page. So
(13:11):
learning that there is thisvagus nerve and in response to
keep me safe, helped meunderstand what what the block
was. Because you talked to usabout how to safely move out of
a comfort zone and try somethingright. Yes, what I was doing, I
(13:37):
was trying to accomplishsomething that I've never done
before, right? I just recentlymet anybody personally who've
done it. Who's done it, right.
So body was saying this isunfamiliar, right? We don't know
this is not okay, what? What ifpeople don't like it? What if
(13:57):
you don't have enough for abook? What if it never come?
Like my body's automaticallywithout me thinking about it
during the scan of theenvironment and saying this is
unfamiliar and it's not safe?
Exactly.
interpreted that as inadequacy.
Didn't have what it takes to getthis done. When you talk about
(14:18):
the fight, flight or freeze,what might that look like for a
professional woman who workedhard and have achieved some
things? What would fight flightor freeze some other examples of
what it might look like forthem?
(14:40):
Yeah, you bet. I can definitelyhelp with that. And I just
relate so much to your story,because I've been there so many
times. And I think it's one ofthe things that frustrates me
about a lot of the personaldevelopment space is they're
like, if you're not doing it,it's because you don't want it
bad enough. And then you feel somuch shame. Because you're like,
(15:03):
I thought I wanted this. Ireally did. But I've just cannot
mobilize myself to do it. But Ilike to remind people and I said
to you guys, if if your systemis responding in that way, it's
working exactly like it'sdesigned to work. It's actually
doing what God designed it to doto keep you safe. And that can
(15:27):
lift so much shame off of aperson immediately, because
you're like, Oh, I'm actuallyworking properly. And when you
fight against it, you'reactually fighting against the
natural way that God designedyou to work. So the fight flight
or freeze for let's just takethe writing a book scenario, you
sit down, you're like, I havetwo hours, I blocked out two
(15:49):
hours to write you sit down, geton your computer, that cursor is
just blinking on the page. Andyou're like, Oh, hey, look, it's
my phone. I'm gonna get on myphone. I'm just gonna check on
this one thing. And then before,you know, it's 45 minutes have
gone by, you've liked 67Instagram posts, and you've
(16:11):
gotten nothing done.
You tell him a business friend?
Well, it's because I've beenthere. Yeah, well, that that
right, there is flight, likeyou're trying to escape the
situation, like know, yoursystem saying I can't focus on
(16:32):
this right now we got to get outof here. This is not safe for
us, like run, there's a tigerand it's coming. And it's
chasing me down, and I need torun away from it. So the way
that that looks now, becausewe're not actually getting
chased by tigers is distraction,or mental confusion, those kinds
of things. Or sometimes, likefor me, it's like the laundry is
(16:54):
piling up in the laundry room, Ineed to take care of that. The
fight would be like, let's fightit by getting all these other
things done. I'm going to do thedishes, I'm going to do the
laundry, I'm going to make thatphone call. That doesn't matter.
Oh, I should probably cancelthat dentist appointment like
all of those things. So that iswhat it's going to look like in
like a professional atmosphere.
And then freeze is when youactually move into doing the
(17:18):
thing that you're you're wantingto do, you write a paragraph,
and then you just sit there, oryou go down into what's called
dorsal vagal, which isdepression, exhaustion. Oh, my
gosh, I was feeling fine. 20minutes ago, but now I really
need to take a nap. I can't eventhink clearly like, I need to
(17:39):
go. I can't do this. So that'skind of what it would feel like
either high anxiety doing randomthings or going into shutdown.
I'm exhausted. I can't do this.
I just can't reallydo it upgrading. So when you
(18:01):
talk about the fight, doing allthe things I coach, people who
find themselves in that space.
We are achievers. Our escape isoverworking. Yeah. So let me go.
I don't feel like I can besuccessful at this. Like I can't
conquer this. I can't kill thisright? Me go do 10 or 15 other
(18:26):
things that I know I can do. Letme power my plate. Let me take
on another role. Let mevolunteer for another committee.
Let me bake a big dinner, letlet me do things. Let me do all
the things. And then whathappens is we end up in this
overwhelm. Some point you can'tkeep doing all the things right?
(18:50):
And it becomes too much. And wefeel like we're drowning in our
own life. Yeah, totally. Likeliterally cannot keep our head
above water because we've takenon so much in an escape from the
thing. I believe purpose is yourinnate unique brilliance. It is
(19:13):
it is your being. It is thething right now, all the way
that we bring purpose to Earthis through passions through our
expressions. So you can havemany passions, many expressions
of the same purpose. The more werun away from that purpose, we
(19:33):
get involved with things thatare not aligned with that
purpose. And it drives us tooverwhelm drives us to burn out
or what you call dorsal. Yes.
Right. And we get to that placewhere we feel like we can't
recover. We can't come back.
Well, we've hit rock bottom andwe don't understand exactly.
(19:53):
When you were telling yourstory. You talked about how
trauma encodes and our body. Soit feels like there's work to do
concerning the trauma. And thenalso work to do concerning the
moving forward. Right? So itfeels like two kind of two sides
(20:16):
of the same coin. Yeah. I can'timagine that I can move forward
if I don't acknowledge. So canwe start there? Like, what? What
does that look like?
Yeah, again, I think it's such agift that God gave me. I just
(20:36):
spoke in an event this pastweekend, and I told this story
about how I thought that I wasgoing through hell with my
children. But that wholeexperience was actually intended
for my healing. Because if Ihadn't gone through that, and
found out all of these thingsthat were happening inside of
(20:57):
me, I don't know that I everwould have addressed my story.
So I'm very passionate aboutpeople really addressing their
story and being honest abouttheir story. Now, what your
system is always looking for asafety, right. And so if you
were raised in a toxicsituation, or had experienced
any kind of abuse, and you hadto learn how to function in
(21:22):
dysfunction, then safety issomething that seems very
elusive, to your body, and youjust do whatever you can to
cope, I did whatever I could tocope as a child, not a single
day can I remember feelingperfectly safe and at home in my
body. So you just learn to cope.
And then as you become an adult,that becomes what we call hyper
(21:44):
vigilance, where you can assesshow everyone in the room is
feeling, you're always aware ofwhat's going on around you. And
that's something that you haveto work on your story to really
understand and heal. Andsomething that I love to help
people with is actually to helpthem find a professional who is
(22:05):
a good fit for them. Becauseit's easy to say something like
go to therapy. But how do youfind a therapist that's actually
qualified, and a good fit, towalk with you through your
story. And it's something thatI've done a lot of research on,
I've done a lot of work on, Idid a lot of work just to find a
(22:27):
therapist for myself. Buthonestly, in all honesty,
finding a trauma informedtherapist who is there to help
you walk you through your storyand actually has a modality,
that will be like a scaffoldingto help you heal. You're not
just hashing through yourfeelings, you're not just
talking about scenarios, you'reactually healing. That's going
(22:48):
to be huge for anyone who isworking through the trauma that
is stored in your body.
Hopefully, that was helpful. Ifthere's something I can clarify,
I'd be happy to do that. No,that's
perfect. GAVI that's perfect atpart of my story is, you know,
worked in higher education. AndI want students to counseling
(23:11):
for 20 years. Massive, wow.
I had supported them throughtheir traumas thinking, well,
this is not my life, I'm justthe support, not understanding
the impact that all of that hadhad on me. So your point of
(23:32):
finding the right therapist,that is one of the primary
things that I hear from folksthat I'm in community with, and
from folks that, you know, acoach is, how do I find the
right person, because it can bediscouraging to put yourself out
there and to take that step, togo to therapy and not be in the
(23:56):
right space or with the personthat's equipped to support you
in the way that you need to besupported. So that is so
important, not just to go sothat you can embrace your story
to go and have the right.
Support. Yes, have the rightsupport. We don't acknowledge
(24:17):
just like you said, what youwent through with your babies
called your attention to whatyou were carrying, right? Often
if it's not diagnosed, if it'snot medicated. We don't think
it's significant. But the traumathat we carry in our bodies, I
(24:37):
call it an Invisible Backpack.
It detects, we engage with theworld. It determines how we
engage with other people. Itdetermines how we exist. And if
we don't even know what's inthat backpack if we haven't
acknowledged that it wastraumatic if we haven't
acknowledged that it does havean impact on how I show up And
(25:00):
then there's no way for us tofreely go forward in what we
were created to do. Exactly.
Hey, friend, I'm just popping into let you know that I have just
a handful of openings on mycalendar over the next three
months for one on one coachingclients, if you are an
accomplished woman who has foundthat you've lost your fire over
(25:24):
time, if you have beensuccessful doing all the things,
but you just want to love yourwork. Again, if you're really
good at what you do, but youknow that there is more than you
need to reach out, go to connectwith pbj.com Sign up for a
connect call, we'll jump on realquick. I just need to make sure
(25:45):
you're a good candidate for mycoaching program. And if so
we'll dig in together and I'llwalk this journey with you. All
right, y'all reach out connectwith PD de.com, I look forward
to speaking with.
Hello, my name is Patrice claw.
And I just want to say Dr. PBJ,has truly impacted my life in a
great way. I thank you for allthe ideas and the inspiration
(26:10):
and just the teaching andknowledge that you bring with
him. She has a tremendous way ofjust speaking from her heart to
your heart. I think she hasdisrupted the sub dysfunction in
my life, for lack of a betterword. So if you are in need of
(26:30):
the disruption, go see Dr. Prejet. I'm so grateful that our
lives and our paths havecrossed, you have truly had an
amazing impact on me and mymindset. And I am forever
grateful. Thank you.
(26:53):
So once we are working on thatprocess of facing the trauma,
looking through that backpack,identifying what's there working
with someone who's equipped tosupport us, and help us what are
some ways that we can startmoving forward because you said
(27:13):
to fight against that naturalpart of our body is not not what
we need to do. But I also know Ineed to write this book I need
to apply to go to school, I needto start like it won't leave me
alone. Like I know I'm supposedto do these things. Gabi. But
how do I get myself from theplace of this is not safe, body
(27:37):
responding and fight flight orfreeze to actually doing the
thing?
Yeah, it's such a good question.
You have to stay within what iscalled your window of tolerance.
So basically what your window oftolerance is going to start as a
small space where you feelregulated and safe within that
(27:59):
space. How you can expand thatwindow and move further and
further into the things that youwant to do is by keeping one
foot in that window oftolerance, and putting one foot
outside of it. So you'll feel alittle bit activated. So let's
say we want to go and write thebook. So we set aside that two
(28:20):
hours we sit down at ourcomputer, what we can do is say
yes, I'm going to spend fiveminutes, I'm going to spend five
minutes on this. And before Istart, I'm going to listen to my
favorite song, or something thatgets you into a headspace where
you know, it's just going tomake you feel better. Whatever
(28:41):
that is for you. For me, musicis a huge one. I'm going to
listen to this song. And thenwe're going to say 510 minutes,
10 minutes max, set a timer.
Because when you set a timer andyou set parameters around
something that's small, thenyour body's like, yeah, I can do
anything for 10 minutes. Yes.
And then maybe after that 10minutes, you're done. And you
(29:03):
celebrate by you know, having acup of coffee or texting your
best friend, something else thatmakes you feel good. So you're
going to do something calledregulate before and after. Looks
good. So you're going tosandwich regulation. After that
10 minutes, maybe you'll be likeI can handle another 10 And you
(29:26):
said that timer. The thing isyou're showing your body safety
by saying there's a beginningand an end. And the end isn't
the end of the book. The endisn't two hours from now the end
is within your window oftolerance. Until going into that
space and working on thatproject or writing that book is
(29:46):
going to start feeling joyful.
It's going to start feelliberating and exciting because
you've been so kind to yourbody. And that's the biggest
thing is you have to show youSelf Compassion, you're working
with your body, not against yourbody, you're working with
yourself and compassion, notmotivating yourself with shame.
(30:09):
Shame is a terrible motivator.
It works sometimes. But if youpush through, I've done this so
many times in my life, whereI've pushed through, I've done a
project and then afterwards, Ishut down for days. It's because
I motivated myself with shame.
So I don't feel good aboutfinishing the project. I'm
depleted. I've worked against mybody. And now my body's like,
(30:32):
you put you put us in a placethat feels like death. And so
now you need to go into freezemode, until we feel like it's
safe to come out again. And thenyou're never going to want to do
that project ever again.
Oh, my gosh, you're exactly.
Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Because Ithink the power of it, what I
(30:53):
just heard is working with mybody. Yes. And we, and you know,
my little babies, she's like, Iwant you right now. Y'all know
who she is, I'm not gonna sayher name, because it's really
gonna amp her up. But anyway,with my body, doing things that
honestly, we've been taughtthrough culture, through
(31:18):
whatever is a waste of time.
That five minutes of music, youdon't have time for music, you
need to write a book, get readyfor this project, you need to
have this meeting, you need todo blah, blah, blah, you need to
cook the dinner, you need towash the dishes, whatever. But
what I hear you saying is,instead of depriving my body of
(31:43):
what it needs, if I will workwith my body and the way that it
was created to work, they canaccomplish the things I need to
accomplish, because it's apartnership. Yeah. And when I
don't do that, because what wedon't understand is there are
(32:03):
powerful automatic processes inour bodies. We don't pay
attention to the warning signs,this powerful brain this energy
center, it takes over and itsays, Okay, I gave you a
warning, saying you're notmaking good decisions for us. So
it's up to me now. Yeah, goinginto freeze mode, because we
(32:26):
need to be protected. And whenYeah. So just by surrendering to
what your body needs. Withparameters with timers, we're
surrendering. And it doesn'tmake the project seem so
overwhelming, because I know, Ican do 10 minutes I can do, I
(32:50):
can take a little step, I cantake a little chunk, the things
that seem insignificant are thethings that we actually mean, is
not the big leaps is not thehuge and social media will have
us think everybody's making bigleaps from it's just not true.
It's just not true. The oneemail that you need to send the
(33:15):
one conversation that you needto have the one phone call that
you need to make, those are thesteps and you allow your body to
kind of venture out of thatwindow of tolerance just a
little bit to get used to and toget comfortable in a new space.
(33:36):
And then you have room tocontinue growing.
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I loveit. And I mean, as you start,
like, again, the word is goingto be compassion. Because as you
start, you may have like megrown up, being told you can't
trust your body. You just dowhat you're told, perform,
(33:58):
perform, perform. So it mighttake time for you to really get
in tune with your body. Butmaybe like my coach, again,
Sarah Baldwin, who's incredible.
She had me set two timers a day.
And the timer would go off. Andit would just be for me to
remind myself, oh, like, what ismy body feeling right now. And
(34:18):
get in tune with that. Andreally start to believe that you
can trust the cues your body isgiving you regardless of how
you've been raised. Like you cantrust that like sometimes it's
as simple as I'm thirsty. Like,I really just need some water we
forget to take care of our mostbasic needs. That's one of the
first things I learned with myson was like, the very first
(34:42):
thing you do is is he hungry? Ishe thirsty? Does he need sleep?
And you take care of those mostbasic things and we forget to do
that even for ourselves. Youknow? Yeah, if I take care of my
basic needs, will I feel betterright now? Yeah, probably least
Yeah, yeah. Even breathing? Oh,yeah,
(35:06):
I was. So I had a knee injuryearlier this year. And I've been
working with a physicaltherapist virtually. And when
I'm away, we work virtually. AndI was doing this stretch. And
she said, you're not breathing.
She's a stop. She said, I cansee it, I think. And I was so
focused on doing the movementcorrectly, that I realized that
(35:31):
my most basic need my mostcritical knee at the time, was
not as soon as she got myattention. And I started to
breed the movement was easy.
Wow, what I was focusing on andwhat I made difficult. That
(35:53):
wasn't what I needed. Most. Ineeded the oxygen. Yeah. When I
decided to breathe, and Ihaven't been able to stop
thinking about that. Because howoften are we walking around in
our day holding our breath? Ourshoulders are up to our ears,
because we're holding all havethe tension in our bodies. We
(36:15):
don't we don't even realize thatwe're failing to relax. Failing
to release, right? Um, so sharewith us a little more. So music
may be one what are some otherways of regulating? So that we
(36:36):
can begin to step into areaswhere our body may be a little
uncomfortable?
Yeah, one of the things I loveabout regulation is it's not
complicated. We overcomplicateeverything where we're like, if
it's not hard, then am I doingit right? Well, actually, it's
pretty simple. The things youhear about all the time, like
(36:56):
moving your body, moving, yourbody will be one of the biggest
ways for you to stay in aregulated state. You can put a
fancy word on walking, calledbilateral stimulation,
basically, all it means isyou're using both sides of your
body and your brain. Doing thathelps your autonomic nervous
(37:16):
system know you're in thepresent moment and that you're
safe. Also breathing. Like yousaid, I tried to go to a yoga
class at least once a week justbecause I'm terrible at
breathing. Like I keepeverything up in the top of my
chest because I was raised to behyper vigilant. So just
reminding myself like I canbreathe all the way into my
(37:37):
belly. And there's so manybreathing exercises, even on
YouTube and things like that.
You can look for breathingexercises. And, yeah, I put up
for you guys, I put up a wholepicture of different things that
you can do. So for an example,for someone who might be in like
someone who works from home likeme, and I wake up, I send my
(37:58):
kids to school, and then I findmyself, Okay, it's time to work.
And I don't feel like working.
And I feel like sitting. What Ido now is I know, okay, I'm in
dorsal, I need to work myself upinto a regulated state. So I'm
just going to go in my bathroom,and I'm going to put on some
mascara. Put on the mascara.
Okay, I feel a little morehuman. Let's go drink some
(38:23):
water. Okay, feel a little bitmore human, maybe clean up one
space. All right, yeah, I'mactually feeling a completely
different than I did 30 minutesago when I said I can't do this.
And then you can start to gointo those things like, okay,
and I'm going to do this for 15minutes, and it's going to be
(38:43):
fine. And then I'm going to havea snack. And it's just slow,
very gentle mobilization. Thenet, just the next thing, even
if it has nothing to do with theproject, like putting on mascara
has nothing to do with theproject. But it has everything
to do with it. Because it's whathelps me feel like a human being
who's capable. Because that'sliterally what happens is like
(39:05):
at the bottom, I said there'sdorsal in the middle, there's
sympathetic, which is that fightflight freeze mode, and at the
top is ventral, where you'refeel calm, clear, headed and
capable. That's where you'realways trying to get. It's just
those little acts of gentlemobilization.
After we had our time with youguys, we have our own little
(39:28):
community where we talk back andforth with each other. So many
people just rested that weekend.
Like just we messaged each otherof how we just decided to do
nothing the next day. I lovethat. You just acknowledged that
I remember sitting on my couchwith my puppy. You talked to us
about coregulating yes to be ahuman right. I literally
(39:49):
remember sitting on my couchholding her which is normal for
us. But this time Iintentionally rub her felt her
hair. So her breathing, I felther heart beating. And now when
I hold her it is veryintentional. very intentional
that I spend that time with her.
(40:13):
But I also recognize the impactthat it's having on me. Yes. I'm
recognizing that it brings joyto my heart of that moment to
share that love with her to feelthat she's healthy, that she's
alive that she's breathing andbreathing, and she doesn't have
a care in the world.
(40:34):
Yeah, exactly. All the way.
Oh, and I can share that spaceeven with my puppy. Yep. helps
my body move back to ventralright? Yes, ventral helps my
body move back to ventral. Andthen I can do the things I
needed to do. Yes, we've beenworking with my body.
(40:57):
Yes. And I love that you bringup coregulation. By the way, I
feel like that's a reallyimportant thing to talk about.
Because so far, we've justtalked about self regulation.
But that coregulation is really,really powerful. There are so
many different ways that you cando it. But just getting into a
space where there's other peopleor animals with nervous systems,
(41:19):
you have these things in yourbrain called mirror neurons that
are like mirroring the energythat's around you. So with your
puppy, it's going to make youfeel calm, I will often go work
at a coffee shop. Because athome, I'm like, this is where I
sleep. So I feel like I want tosleep. But when I'm out and
there's other people, I'm nottalking to them or anything, but
(41:42):
just like there's a barista. Andthere's people talking and doing
their things I feel more capableby coregulation. Or even like I
mentioned, every once in awhile, if I'm really feeling
like I need to do this project,I don't want to I'll turn on a
TV show that's really familiarin the background. Because you
can coregulate with people onTV, which is so cool. So, so
(42:03):
cool. But yeah, whatever it isthat can help you helps you feel
calmer and more in your body andmore like okay, I feel alive in
this moment. Like, do it. Stopdepriving yourself of those
things. So powerfulis so good. If you're watching
this video you're seeing I can'thelp but smile. And litter
(42:23):
literally tears in my eyes.
Because now I understand. Andeven with the writing, so I've
been a part of a writingcommunity with a coach right,
but I showed up every now andthen you know life was busy.
There's so much since I met withyou, Gabi, I don't miss an
(42:44):
opportunity to co-write Wow. Idon't miss. Because now I
understand I get it. I'm inphase with other people who are
doing some who have done itbefore. First of all, like some
people who have written andpublished they've done it before
they're working on another work.
Others in this group are workingon their first book just like I
am pleased the encouragement andthe accountability, but the
(43:07):
coregulation Yes. All theirtogether doing this together.
And it is it's magic.
I love that. Amazing.
Oh, okay, we gotta let thepeople go. I want to give you an
opportunity if there's anythingelse you want to say or share,
(43:28):
but also please let people knowhow they can connect with you
how they can learn more fromyou. Because I know they will
want to.
Well, I would love to connectwith your listeners. I know you
have an incredible community.
You can find me on Instagram, Ilove to hang out on Instagram.
My handle is Gabi Ruth Gabi R UT H. I also have a website,
(43:49):
Gabiruth.com, a podcast calledpain to passion live, where I
share people's stories of howthey turn their pain into
something beautiful to give backto the world. And if you get on
my website, too, and you clickon 111 on one call, I do free
connection calls. So I wouldlove to connect with anyone see
(44:12):
where you're at with your dream,or your healing or even your
writing projects. I would loveto chat with you and get
connected and see how maybe thiswork can help you further so I'm
excited to connect with anyone.
And I'm so grateful you're doingthis work. Thank you friend.
I'm so grateful for you, Gabi,all of your links, everything
(44:36):
will be in the show notes sothat folks can get in touch with
you. You should do it for him.
Do it because gaining thisunderstanding and having support
from Gabi will free you it willfree to do the thing that you
know that you were created to doso. Thank you Gabi. Thank you
for sharing with us. Thank youfor joining us. I'm so grateful
(44:57):
for your timeThank you for the opportunity.
So,as always friends you know you
are powerful. You aresignificant and you are loved.
Love always PBJ
I thought that I was goingthrough hell with my children.
(00:05):
But that whole experience wasactually intended for my
healing. Because if I hadn'tgone through that, and found out
all of these things that werehappening inside of me, I don't
know that I ever would haveaddressed my story.
(00:28):
Hey, friends, it is Dr. PBJagain. And listen, I am so
grateful that you all continuethis journey of disrupting
burnout with me and thiscommunity. And I pray that
you're getting exactly what youneed, every time you tune in.
And every time you listen, Ihave a friend to introduce you
(00:51):
all to today. And this moment issomeone that I just recently
met. And can I tell you? Can Itell you, the day that I heard
her message, so much shame, felloff on me the message and what
she teaches is so powerful. Andit gave me such a deep
(01:15):
understanding of who I am andhow my body works, that it freed
me to do some things that I'vebeen trying to do for a long
time. And we're gonna talk moreabout this. But before we get
into it, Gabi, I just want tosay how grateful I am to you for
(01:36):
what you are teaching in the waythat you are teaching it.
Because it has meant everything.
I'll tell you. I've been tryingto write a book for years.
years. And I literally heard youjust a couple of months ago, and
I can't stop writing now. Oh, mygoodness. I wake up in the
(01:56):
middle of the night with justbelow. Wow. Get up and put it
down and then I can rest. AndI've been holding this thing for
years. Wow. I haven't evenformally introduced you and
Kelly, welcome to the disruptingburnout podcast. Thank you so
(02:17):
much for what you meant to mylife.
Oh my goodness, well, you'regonna make me cry. I feel so
honored and so blessed. And I'mjust so grateful that something
hit home and it's helped freeyou up to do what you're called
to do. That's incredible.
It has it has and I know there'sso many in this community
(02:41):
struggle and don't understandwhy like we don't go what's
going on in our bodies. Itdoesn't make sense. So let's
just jump into it. Gabi pleasetell the people who you are.
You bet. Well, my name is Gabi.
It's short for Gabriele. I knoweveryone asks me that my Gabi so
it's short for Gabriella insteadof Gabrielle. I go by Gabi Kelly
(03:03):
or Gabi Ruth, and I live inSpokane, Washington with my
family. My two kiddos, myhusband, my dog who's next to
me, complaining right now that Iam on a zoom call. So I
apologize for that. And I gotinto learning about how trauma
affects the body really just bythe grace of God, to be honest,
(03:26):
my son is adopted from Ethiopia,he's incredible. He's almost 10.
Now, we adopted him when he was15 months old. And for anyone
who has known someone who'sadopted or who's been adopted,
you know that any adoption comeswith trauma. It doesn't matter
how perfect of a scenario it is.
(03:50):
Every adoption comes withtrauma. So we were very naive
when we adopted him to be very,very honest. And so basically
learning the hard way that hewas struggling with things going
on in his brain and his body,and having to really advocate to
find help for him. But throughthat process, I really found out
(04:14):
and uncovered my own traumastory. I didn't ever name my
history as traumatic until I methim and learned about what was
going on with him and understoodthat all of the attachment
issues that he was dealing withand all of the trauma issues he
was dealing with in his brainand his body were the same
(04:37):
things that I had beenstruggling with my whole life.
So I don't know I'm alwaysamazed by the grace of God to
unveil my story in that way. AndI just hope that I can honor
him, my son, and my story withthe work that I do. Now, but
I've been so blessed to learnhow trauma affects the brain and
(05:00):
the body and how to release alot of that energy. And to
really start healing and chasingyour dreams. I've been such a
god girl my whole life, and Ilove helping women especially
get free and chase down theirdreams even while they're
healing. And now I just have alot more context of how to do
(05:23):
that without shutting you down,or really hurting yourself
further. So that's kind of whatI'm about.
It's so powerful. It's sopowerful Gaby, because what I
find is, sometimes we feel likethe dream is not in us, or the
answer is not in us. And we arepulling for answers externally.
(05:47):
Give me a book, give me apodcast, give me a coach, give
me somebody. Right. But we missit. Because it's, it's in as
well. We just can't access it.
Right. That to it. It feels likea block. Right?
Totally.
One of the first things you didwhen we experienced you in a
mess, I'm in a mastermind withPatrice Washington. And she
(06:09):
invited you in and I'm sograteful. One of the first
things you did, and I forgotwhat you call it, it but you had
us look around the room. Yeah,just look around the room. And
Gaby, it was so powerful in thatmoment, because I turned to look
behind me. And the sciencebehind me say it is well with my
soul. And people who I meet withsee them all the time. And I
(06:36):
never turned around to see them.
And that moment, may have beenthe first time since I put them
up there that I physicallyturned around and looked at
that. And in that moment, therewas just there was an exhale.
Wow, that I didn't even realizeI was holding my breath.
(06:57):
Does that make sense?
Absolutely. Yeah.
Tell me more about that. Whatdid you have us do? And what's
the power of that?
Yeah, and I really have tocredit my own Somatic
Experiencing coach SarahBaldwin, She's incredible. Every
single time you get on a meetingwith her, she starts the meeting
like that. It's calledorienting. So we just orient to
(07:20):
our space. Sometimes she wouldeven have us orient to her space
to let us know that we were safein her space as well. But
basically, what it does, is asyou slowly look around, and your
intention really is just to lookaround you and take notice of
what you see how differentthings make you feel, maybe
(07:41):
something you get stuck on, likeright now. And I'm looking, I
can see this mug from Germanysitting on the counter. And it
makes me feel happy because it'sfrom a friend in Germany, and
you take the time to getpresent. You really get present
like, Oh, I'm here right now,those things that were worrying
(08:01):
me earlier, I don't have toworry about that right now.
Whatever's happening in thefuture, that's in the future.
I'm here in this moment, and I'msafe. And I can be here because
we spend so much of our time inthe past or in the future,
instead of right in the presentmoment. So that's really the
point of that exercise is justto get you into your body and
(08:21):
into the present moment. Yeah,it was so powerful. And and you
mentioned as you told your storyof how you've learned that the
how our brain works and how ourbody works, and how that impacts
us concerning just existingeveryday but also concerning
pursuing your dreams. So can youhelp us get get into that? Like,
(08:44):
what are some things about ourbodies and how they work that we
need to be aware of eitherhealing trauma and moving
forward into future? Where doyou start with that?
Yeah, I mean, this is somethingI could talk about all day. But
(09:05):
to try to simplify it, some ofyou may have heard the
expression the Body Keeps theScore. There is a very famous
book by that name by Dr. BesselVander Kolk, Vander Kolk. But
the point of that phrase isbasically everything that has
happened to you in the past,especially if you've been
(09:26):
through something that hasharmed you in the past, your
nervous system, or what we callthe autonomic nervous system
actually encodes everythingabout that harmful scenario,
into your body. So that if youdo something in the present,
even if it's something you wantto do, even if it's something
that's perfectly safe, but itreminds your autonomic nervous
(09:50):
system of what happened to youin the past, then it will send
you into fight flight or freezemode, before you even have a
chance to think about it. Andthat's the key point is, it's
before you have a chance tothink about it, the autonomic
part basically means you don'thave control over how your
system reacts. And like I toldyou beautiful ladies in the
(10:13):
class that we did, there's anerve in your body that runs
from your brainstem all the wayto your intestines called the
vagus nerve. And this is whatregulates your autonomic nervous
system. So it opens differentdoorways and pathways based on
the information it's receivingfrom your environment. To tell
you if you're safe or not,that's its full job is to tell
(10:37):
you if you're safe or not. So aswe are pursuing our dreams, as
we're moving into new thingsthat we want to do, oftentimes,
our autonomic nervous systemwill get triggered. Because it's
like, oh, this is scary. This isnew. What if this happens, this
is threatening. So we can learnways to regulate. So we can show
(11:00):
our autonomic nervous systemlike actually what I'm doing now
is safe, we can rewire. So thatover time, as we do this
repeatedly, and show our systemsafety repeatedly, it will
actually have a differentresponse in the future. So then,
like, if you're working on yourbook, like you mentioned
(11:20):
earlier, before we got on therecording, you won't feel
panicked, or you won't go intoshutdown. So yeah, there's lots
of different spaces that yourbody can end up in. But the
point is, we can teach ourselvesnew ways to be compassionate to
our bodies, as we move into thethings that we desire as we move
(11:42):
into the things we want to do,so that we don't have to be
panicked or shut down anymore.
It is so powerful to understandthat what we've been through is
encoded in our bodies. Yes.
Right. And I heard Dr. AnitaPhillips, she's a psych cut
psychologist. And she was sayingeven generations, yes. What have
(12:05):
happened to folks before you canbe passed down and encoded in a
way that your body automaticallydoes its job. Yes, automatically
kind of kicks into gear andresponds to keep you safe. Yes.
And if we don't have thisknowledge, and we don't know
(12:28):
what's going on, it can lead usto a place of frustration with
ourselves, you know, it can leadus to a place of feeling like
we're not enough, you know, thatwhen I say that you freed me
from Shane. Every time I triedto sit down and write this book,
nothing would come, nothingwould come and I knew there was
(12:50):
something in me to say you needto do this. Now I tried to press
to do it, I could not do it. Andthere was shame attached to that
because I'm an achiever,achievers get things done, and I
could not sit down and put putwords on a paper on a page. So
(13:11):
learning that there is thisvagus nerve and in response to
keep me safe, helped meunderstand what what the block
was. Because you talked to usabout how to safely move out of
a comfort zone and try somethingright. Yes, what I was doing, I
(13:37):
was trying to accomplishsomething that I've never done
before, right? I just recentlymet anybody personally who've
done it. Who's done it, right.
So body was saying this isunfamiliar, right? We don't know
this is not okay, what? What ifpeople don't like it? What if
(13:57):
you don't have enough for abook? What if it never come?
Like my body's automaticallywithout me thinking about it
during the scan of theenvironment and saying this is
unfamiliar and it's not safe?
Exactly.
interpreted that as inadequacy.
Didn't have what it takes to getthis done. When you talk about
(14:18):
the fight, flight or freeze,what might that look like for a
professional woman who workedhard and have achieved some
things? What would fight flightor freeze some other examples of
what it might look like forthem?
(14:40):
Yeah, you bet. I can definitelyhelp with that. And I just
relate so much to your story,because I've been there so many
times. And I think it's one ofthe things that frustrates me
about a lot of the personaldevelopment space is they're
like, if you're not doing it,it's because you don't want it
bad enough. And then you feel somuch shame. Because you're like,
(15:03):
I thought I wanted this. Ireally did. But I've just cannot
mobilize myself to do it. But Ilike to remind people and I said
to you guys, if if your systemis responding in that way, it's
working exactly like it'sdesigned to work. It's actually
doing what God designed it to doto keep you safe. And that can
(15:27):
lift so much shame off of aperson immediately, because
you're like, Oh, I'm actuallyworking properly. And when you
fight against it, you'reactually fighting against the
natural way that God designedyou to work. So the fight flight
or freeze for let's just takethe writing a book scenario, you
sit down, you're like, I havetwo hours, I blocked out two
(15:49):
hours to write you sit down, geton your computer, that cursor is
just blinking on the page. Andyou're like, Oh, hey, look, it's
my phone. I'm gonna get on myphone. I'm just gonna check on
this one thing. And then before,you know, it's 45 minutes have
gone by, you've liked 67Instagram posts, and you've
(16:11):
gotten nothing done.
You tell him a business friend?
Well, it's because I've beenthere. Yeah, well, that that
right, there is flight, likeyou're trying to escape the
situation, like know, yoursystem saying I can't focus on
(16:32):
this right now we got to get outof here. This is not safe for
us, like run, there's a tigerand it's coming. And it's
chasing me down, and I need torun away from it. So the way
that that looks now, becausewe're not actually getting
chased by tigers is distraction,or mental confusion, those kinds
of things. Or sometimes, likefor me, it's like the laundry is
(16:54):
piling up in the laundry room, Ineed to take care of that. The
fight would be like, let's fightit by getting all these other
things done. I'm going to do thedishes, I'm going to do the
laundry, I'm going to make thatphone call. That doesn't matter.
Oh, I should probably cancelthat dentist appointment like
all of those things. So that iswhat it's going to look like in
like a professional atmosphere.
And then freeze is when youactually move into doing the
(17:18):
thing that you're you're wantingto do, you write a paragraph,
and then you just sit there, oryou go down into what's called
dorsal vagal, which isdepression, exhaustion. Oh, my
gosh, I was feeling fine. 20minutes ago, but now I really
need to take a nap. I can't eventhink clearly like, I need to
(17:39):
go. I can't do this. So that'skind of what it would feel like
either high anxiety doing randomthings or going into shutdown.
I'm exhausted. I can't do this.
I just can't reallydo it upgrading. So when you
(18:01):
talk about the fight, doing allthe things I coach, people who
find themselves in that space.
We are achievers. Our escape isoverworking. Yeah. So let me go.
I don't feel like I can besuccessful at this. Like I can't
conquer this. I can't kill thisright? Me go do 10 or 15 other
(18:26):
things that I know I can do. Letme power my plate. Let me take
on another role. Let mevolunteer for another committee.
Let me bake a big dinner, letlet me do things. Let me do all
the things. And then whathappens is we end up in this
overwhelm. Some point you can'tkeep doing all the things right?
(18:50):
And it becomes too much. And wefeel like we're drowning in our
own life. Yeah, totally. Likeliterally cannot keep our head
above water because we've takenon so much in an escape from the
thing. I believe purpose is yourinnate unique brilliance. It is
(19:13):
it is your being. It is thething right now, all the way
that we bring purpose to Earthis through passions through our
expressions. So you can havemany passions, many expressions
of the same purpose. The more werun away from that purpose, we
(19:33):
get involved with things thatare not aligned with that
purpose. And it drives us tooverwhelm drives us to burn out
or what you call dorsal. Yes.
Right. And we get to that placewhere we feel like we can't
recover. We can't come back.
Well, we've hit rock bottom andwe don't understand exactly.
(19:53):
When you were telling yourstory. You talked about how
trauma encodes and our body. Soit feels like there's work to do
concerning the trauma. And thenalso work to do concerning the
moving forward. Right? So itfeels like two kind of two sides
(20:16):
of the same coin. Yeah. I can'timagine that I can move forward
if I don't acknowledge. So canwe start there? Like, what? What
does that look like?
Yeah, again, I think it's such agift that God gave me. I just
(20:36):
spoke in an event this pastweekend, and I told this story
about how I thought that I wasgoing through hell with my
children. But that wholeexperience was actually intended
for my healing. Because if Ihadn't gone through that, and
found out all of these thingsthat were happening inside of
(20:57):
me, I don't know that I everwould have addressed my story.
So I'm very passionate aboutpeople really addressing their
story and being honest abouttheir story. Now, what your
system is always looking for asafety, right. And so if you
were raised in a toxicsituation, or had experienced
any kind of abuse, and you hadto learn how to function in
(21:22):
dysfunction, then safety issomething that seems very
elusive, to your body, and youjust do whatever you can to
cope, I did whatever I could tocope as a child, not a single
day can I remember feelingperfectly safe and at home in my
body. So you just learn to cope.
And then as you become an adult,that becomes what we call hyper
(21:44):
vigilance, where you can assesshow everyone in the room is
feeling, you're always aware ofwhat's going on around you. And
that's something that you haveto work on your story to really
understand and heal. Andsomething that I love to help
people with is actually to helpthem find a professional who is
(22:05):
a good fit for them. Becauseit's easy to say something like
go to therapy. But how do youfind a therapist that's actually
qualified, and a good fit, towalk with you through your
story. And it's something thatI've done a lot of research on,
I've done a lot of work on, Idid a lot of work just to find a
(22:27):
therapist for myself. Buthonestly, in all honesty,
finding a trauma informedtherapist who is there to help
you walk you through your storyand actually has a modality,
that will be like a scaffoldingto help you heal. You're not
just hashing through yourfeelings, you're not just
talking about scenarios, you'reactually healing. That's going
(22:48):
to be huge for anyone who isworking through the trauma that
is stored in your body.
Hopefully, that was helpful. Ifthere's something I can clarify,
I'd be happy to do that. No,that's
perfect. GAVI that's perfect atpart of my story is, you know,
worked in higher education. AndI want students to counseling
(23:11):
for 20 years. Massive, wow.
I had supported them throughtheir traumas thinking, well,
this is not my life, I'm justthe support, not understanding
the impact that all of that hadhad on me. So your point of
(23:32):
finding the right therapist,that is one of the primary
things that I hear from folksthat I'm in community with, and
from folks that, you know, acoach is, how do I find the
right person, because it can bediscouraging to put yourself out
there and to take that step, togo to therapy and not be in the
(23:56):
right space or with the personthat's equipped to support you
in the way that you need to besupported. So that is so
important, not just to go sothat you can embrace your story
to go and have the right.
Support. Yes, have the rightsupport. We don't acknowledge
(24:17):
just like you said, what youwent through with your babies
called your attention to whatyou were carrying, right? Often
if it's not diagnosed, if it'snot medicated. We don't think
it's significant. But the traumathat we carry in our bodies, I
(24:37):
call it an Invisible Backpack.
It detects, we engage with theworld. It determines how we
engage with other people. Itdetermines how we exist. And if
we don't even know what's inthat backpack if we haven't
acknowledged that it wastraumatic if we haven't
acknowledged that it does havean impact on how I show up And
(25:00):
then there's no way for us tofreely go forward in what we
were created to do. Exactly.
Hey, friend, I'm just popping into let you know that I have just
a handful of openings on mycalendar over the next three
months for one on one coachingclients, if you are an
accomplished woman who has foundthat you've lost your fire over
(25:24):
time, if you have beensuccessful doing all the things,
but you just want to love yourwork. Again, if you're really
good at what you do, but youknow that there is more than you
need to reach out, go to connectwith pbj.com Sign up for a
connect call, we'll jump on realquick. I just need to make sure
(25:45):
you're a good candidate for mycoaching program. And if so
we'll dig in together and I'llwalk this journey with you. All
right, y'all reach out connectwith PD de.com, I look forward
to speaking with.
Hello, my name is Patrice claw.
And I just want to say Dr. PBJ,has truly impacted my life in a
great way. I thank you for allthe ideas and the inspiration
(26:10):
and just the teaching andknowledge that you bring with
him. She has a tremendous way ofjust speaking from her heart to
your heart. I think she hasdisrupted the sub dysfunction in
my life, for lack of a betterword. So if you are in need of
(26:30):
the disruption, go see Dr. Prejet. I'm so grateful that our
lives and our paths havecrossed, you have truly had an
amazing impact on me and mymindset. And I am forever
grateful. Thank you.
(26:53):
So once we are working on thatprocess of facing the trauma,
looking through that backpack,identifying what's there working
with someone who's equipped tosupport us, and help us what are
some ways that we can startmoving forward because you said
(27:13):
to fight against that naturalpart of our body is not not what
we need to do. But I also know Ineed to write this book I need
to apply to go to school, I needto start like it won't leave me
alone. Like I know I'm supposedto do these things. Gabi. But
how do I get myself from theplace of this is not safe, body
(27:37):
responding and fight flight orfreeze to actually doing the
thing?
Yeah, it's such a good question.
You have to stay within what iscalled your window of tolerance.
So basically what your window oftolerance is going to start as a
small space where you feelregulated and safe within that
(27:59):
space. How you can expand thatwindow and move further and
further into the things that youwant to do is by keeping one
foot in that window oftolerance, and putting one foot
outside of it. So you'll feel alittle bit activated. So let's
say we want to go and write thebook. So we set aside that two
(28:20):
hours we sit down at ourcomputer, what we can do is say
yes, I'm going to spend fiveminutes, I'm going to spend five
minutes on this. And before Istart, I'm going to listen to my
favorite song, or something thatgets you into a headspace where
you know, it's just going tomake you feel better. Whatever
(28:41):
that is for you. For me, musicis a huge one. I'm going to
listen to this song. And thenwe're going to say 510 minutes,
10 minutes max, set a timer.
Because when you set a timer andyou set parameters around
something that's small, thenyour body's like, yeah, I can do
anything for 10 minutes. Yes.
And then maybe after that 10minutes, you're done. And you
(29:03):
celebrate by you know, having acup of coffee or texting your
best friend, something else thatmakes you feel good. So you're
going to do something calledregulate before and after. Looks
good. So you're going tosandwich regulation. After that
10 minutes, maybe you'll be likeI can handle another 10 And you
(29:26):
said that timer. The thing isyou're showing your body safety
by saying there's a beginningand an end. And the end isn't
the end of the book. The endisn't two hours from now the end
is within your window oftolerance. Until going into that
space and working on thatproject or writing that book is
(29:46):
going to start feeling joyful.
It's going to start feelliberating and exciting because
you've been so kind to yourbody. And that's the biggest
thing is you have to show youSelf Compassion, you're working
with your body, not against yourbody, you're working with
yourself and compassion, notmotivating yourself with shame.
(30:09):
Shame is a terrible motivator.
It works sometimes. But if youpush through, I've done this so
many times in my life, whereI've pushed through, I've done a
project and then afterwards, Ishut down for days. It's because
I motivated myself with shame.
So I don't feel good aboutfinishing the project. I'm
depleted. I've worked against mybody. And now my body's like,
(30:32):
you put you put us in a placethat feels like death. And so
now you need to go into freezemode, until we feel like it's
safe to come out again. And thenyou're never going to want to do
that project ever again.
Oh, my gosh, you're exactly.
Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Because Ithink the power of it, what I
(30:53):
just heard is working with mybody. Yes. And we, and you know,
my little babies, she's like, Iwant you right now. Y'all know
who she is, I'm not gonna sayher name, because it's really
gonna amp her up. But anyway,with my body, doing things that
honestly, we've been taughtthrough culture, through
(31:18):
whatever is a waste of time.
That five minutes of music, youdon't have time for music, you
need to write a book, get readyfor this project, you need to
have this meeting, you need todo blah, blah, blah, you need to
cook the dinner, you need towash the dishes, whatever. But
what I hear you saying is,instead of depriving my body of
(31:43):
what it needs, if I will workwith my body and the way that it
was created to work, they canaccomplish the things I need to
accomplish, because it's apartnership. Yeah. And when I
don't do that, because what wedon't understand is there are
(32:03):
powerful automatic processes inour bodies. We don't pay
attention to the warning signs,this powerful brain this energy
center, it takes over and itsays, Okay, I gave you a
warning, saying you're notmaking good decisions for us. So
it's up to me now. Yeah, goinginto freeze mode, because we
(32:26):
need to be protected. And whenYeah. So just by surrendering to
what your body needs. Withparameters with timers, we're
surrendering. And it doesn'tmake the project seem so
overwhelming, because I know, Ican do 10 minutes I can do, I
(32:50):
can take a little step, I cantake a little chunk, the things
that seem insignificant are thethings that we actually mean, is
not the big leaps is not thehuge and social media will have
us think everybody's making bigleaps from it's just not true.
It's just not true. The oneemail that you need to send the
(33:15):
one conversation that you needto have the one phone call that
you need to make, those are thesteps and you allow your body to
kind of venture out of thatwindow of tolerance just a
little bit to get used to and toget comfortable in a new space.
(33:36):
And then you have room tocontinue growing.
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I loveit. And I mean, as you start,
like, again, the word is goingto be compassion. Because as you
start, you may have like megrown up, being told you can't
trust your body. You just dowhat you're told, perform,
(33:58):
perform, perform. So it mighttake time for you to really get
in tune with your body. Butmaybe like my coach, again,
Sarah Baldwin, who's incredible.
She had me set two timers a day.
And the timer would go off. Andit would just be for me to
remind myself, oh, like, what ismy body feeling right now. And
(34:18):
get in tune with that. Andreally start to believe that you
can trust the cues your body isgiving you regardless of how
you've been raised. Like you cantrust that like sometimes it's
as simple as I'm thirsty. Like,I really just need some water we
forget to take care of our mostbasic needs. That's one of the
first things I learned with myson was like, the very first
(34:42):
thing you do is is he hungry? Ishe thirsty? Does he need sleep?
And you take care of those mostbasic things and we forget to do
that even for ourselves. Youknow? Yeah, if I take care of my
basic needs, will I feel betterright now? Yeah, probably least
Yeah, yeah. Even breathing? Oh,yeah,
(35:06):
I was. So I had a knee injuryearlier this year. And I've been
working with a physicaltherapist virtually. And when
I'm away, we work virtually. AndI was doing this stretch. And
she said, you're not breathing.
She's a stop. She said, I cansee it, I think. And I was so
focused on doing the movementcorrectly, that I realized that
(35:31):
my most basic need my mostcritical knee at the time, was
not as soon as she got myattention. And I started to
breed the movement was easy.
Wow, what I was focusing on andwhat I made difficult. That
(35:53):
wasn't what I needed. Most. Ineeded the oxygen. Yeah. When I
decided to breathe, and Ihaven't been able to stop
thinking about that. Because howoften are we walking around in
our day holding our breath? Ourshoulders are up to our ears,
because we're holding all havethe tension in our bodies. We
(36:15):
don't we don't even realize thatwe're failing to relax. Failing
to release, right? Um, so sharewith us a little more. So music
may be one what are some otherways of regulating? So that we
(36:36):
can begin to step into areaswhere our body may be a little
uncomfortable?
Yeah, one of the things I loveabout regulation is it's not
complicated. We overcomplicateeverything where we're like, if
it's not hard, then am I doingit right? Well, actually, it's
pretty simple. The things youhear about all the time, like
(36:56):
moving your body, moving, yourbody will be one of the biggest
ways for you to stay in aregulated state. You can put a
fancy word on walking, calledbilateral stimulation,
basically, all it means isyou're using both sides of your
body and your brain. Doing thathelps your autonomic nervous
(37:16):
system know you're in thepresent moment and that you're
safe. Also breathing. Like yousaid, I tried to go to a yoga
class at least once a week justbecause I'm terrible at
breathing. Like I keepeverything up in the top of my
chest because I was raised to behyper vigilant. So just
reminding myself like I canbreathe all the way into my
(37:37):
belly. And there's so manybreathing exercises, even on
YouTube and things like that.
You can look for breathingexercises. And, yeah, I put up
for you guys, I put up a wholepicture of different things that
you can do. So for an example,for someone who might be in like
someone who works from home likeme, and I wake up, I send my
(37:58):
kids to school, and then I findmyself, Okay, it's time to work.
And I don't feel like working.
And I feel like sitting. What Ido now is I know, okay, I'm in
dorsal, I need to work myself upinto a regulated state. So I'm
just going to go in my bathroom,and I'm going to put on some
mascara. Put on the mascara.
Okay, I feel a little morehuman. Let's go drink some
(38:23):
water. Okay, feel a little bitmore human, maybe clean up one
space. All right, yeah, I'mactually feeling a completely
different than I did 30 minutesago when I said I can't do this.
And then you can start to gointo those things like, okay,
and I'm going to do this for 15minutes, and it's going to be
(38:43):
fine. And then I'm going to havea snack. And it's just slow,
very gentle mobilization. Thenet, just the next thing, even
if it has nothing to do with theproject, like putting on mascara
has nothing to do with theproject. But it has everything
to do with it. Because it's whathelps me feel like a human being
who's capable. Because that'sliterally what happens is like
(39:05):
at the bottom, I said there'sdorsal in the middle, there's
sympathetic, which is that fightflight freeze mode, and at the
top is ventral, where you'refeel calm, clear, headed and
capable. That's where you'realways trying to get. It's just
those little acts of gentlemobilization.
After we had our time with youguys, we have our own little
(39:28):
community where we talk back andforth with each other. So many
people just rested that weekend.
Like just we messaged each otherof how we just decided to do
nothing the next day. I lovethat. You just acknowledged that
I remember sitting on my couchwith my puppy. You talked to us
about coregulating yes to be ahuman right. I literally
(39:49):
remember sitting on my couchholding her which is normal for
us. But this time Iintentionally rub her felt her
hair. So her breathing, I felther heart beating. And now when
I hold her it is veryintentional. very intentional
that I spend that time with her.
(40:13):
But I also recognize the impactthat it's having on me. Yes. I'm
recognizing that it brings joyto my heart of that moment to
share that love with her to feelthat she's healthy, that she's
alive that she's breathing andbreathing, and she doesn't have
a care in the world.
(40:34):
Yeah, exactly. All the way.
Oh, and I can share that spaceeven with my puppy. Yep. helps
my body move back to ventralright? Yes, ventral helps my
body move back to ventral. Andthen I can do the things I
needed to do. Yes, we've beenworking with my body.
(40:57):
Yes. And I love that you bringup coregulation. By the way, I
feel like that's a reallyimportant thing to talk about.
Because so far, we've justtalked about self regulation.
But that coregulation is really,really powerful. There are so
many different ways that you cando it. But just getting into a
space where there's other peopleor animals with nervous systems,
(41:19):
you have these things in yourbrain called mirror neurons that
are like mirroring the energythat's around you. So with your
puppy, it's going to make youfeel calm, I will often go work
at a coffee shop. Because athome, I'm like, this is where I
sleep. So I feel like I want tosleep. But when I'm out and
there's other people, I'm nottalking to them or anything, but
(41:42):
just like there's a barista. Andthere's people talking and doing
their things I feel more capableby coregulation. Or even like I
mentioned, every once in awhile, if I'm really feeling
like I need to do this project,I don't want to I'll turn on a
TV show that's really familiarin the background. Because you
can coregulate with people onTV, which is so cool. So, so
(42:03):
cool. But yeah, whatever it isthat can help you helps you feel
calmer and more in your body andmore like okay, I feel alive in
this moment. Like, do it. Stopdepriving yourself of those
things. So powerfulis so good. If you're watching
this video you're seeing I can'thelp but smile. And litter
(42:23):
literally tears in my eyes.
Because now I understand. Andeven with the writing, so I've
been a part of a writingcommunity with a coach right,
but I showed up every now andthen you know life was busy.
There's so much since I met withyou, Gabi, I don't miss an
(42:44):
opportunity to co-write Wow. Idon't miss. Because now I
understand I get it. I'm inphase with other people who are
doing some who have done itbefore. First of all, like some
people who have written andpublished they've done it before
they're working on another work.
Others in this group are workingon their first book just like I
am pleased the encouragement andthe accountability, but the
(43:07):
coregulation Yes. All theirtogether doing this together.
And it is it's magic.
I love that. Amazing.
Oh, okay, we gotta let thepeople go. I want to give you an
opportunity if there's anythingelse you want to say or share,
(43:28):
but also please let people knowhow they can connect with you
how they can learn more fromyou. Because I know they will
want to.
Well, I would love to connectwith your listeners. I know you
have an incredible community.
You can find me on Instagram, Ilove to hang out on Instagram.
My handle is Gabi Ruth Gabi R UT H. I also have a website,
(43:49):
Gabiruth.com, a podcast calledpain to passion live, where I
share people's stories of howthey turn their pain into
something beautiful to give backto the world. And if you get on
my website, too, and you clickon 111 on one call, I do free
connection calls. So I wouldlove to connect with anyone see
(44:12):
where you're at with your dream,or your healing or even your
writing projects. I would loveto chat with you and get
connected and see how maybe thiswork can help you further so I'm
excited to connect with anyone.
And I'm so grateful you're doingthis work. Thank you friend.
I'm so grateful for you, Gabi,all of your links, everything
(44:36):
will be in the show notes sothat folks can get in touch with
you. You should do it for him.
Do it because gaining thisunderstanding and having support
from Gabi will free you it willfree to do the thing that you
know that you were created to doso. Thank you Gabi. Thank you
for sharing with us. Thank youfor joining us. I'm so grateful
(44:57):
for your timeThank you for the opportunity.
So,as always friends you know you
are powerful. You aresignificant and you are loved.
Love always PBJ
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