Chinamas (featuring J)

As 2021 comes to a close, Dick and J (a Canadian lass with an affinity for igloos) discuss Christmas in Shanghai, immigrant families putting their own spin on the holidays, and dating with Chinese characteristics. The classic poem A Visit from St. Nicholas gets a facelift.

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A Visit from St. Dickolas
’Twas the fortnight before Christmas, in the Delta Pi house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The stockings were hung by the beer cans with care
In hopes that St. Dickolas soon would be there;
The fratboys were nestled all sloshed in their beds;
While visions of yumyums bounced in their heads;
And Derrick and Dylan and twelve other chaps,
Had just fondled their balls for a long winter's fap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Dudes sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Away to the window they nakedly ran,
Like a cast of a porno straight out of Japan.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a luster of K-Y to objects below,
When what to their wondering eyes did reveal,
But a miniature sleigh and eight girthy long eel,
With a smiley old driver so veiny and thick,
They knew in a moment he must be St. Dick.
More rapid than virgins his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Hammer! now, Humper! now Pumper and Piper!
On, Sausage! on, Schnitzel! on, Hancock and Viper!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!"
And around the frathouse, waifu pillows did fall.
So Derrick and Dylan and twelve other lads
Waited and waited… until they got mad.
“What gives,” said Derrick, “what’s taking so long?”
As he guzzled Corona left over from pong.
And then, down the chimney, it sounded like braille,
The slipping and sliding of each little scale;
St. Dick wore no pants, causing quite the alarm;
“What’s that?!” Dylan cried, “It’s as big as my arm!”
“Ho ho ho,” said Dick, “It’s Christmas, my dudes, 
Are any of y’all thirsty for Pokémon nudes?”
“Me!” yipped Garrett, “Aye aye!” followed Bryce;
“Well how do I know who’s been naughty or nice?” 
“We’ve all been good fratboys, we all follow Lent,
We even make sure to ask for consent.”  
And hearing these deeds filled Dick with respect,
that even his Pole of the South got erect. 
“I’ve saved the best booty for lads of your measure, 
Please take them from Dickolas for your viewing pleasure.”
So Dylan and Derrick and all of the bros
Compared 2D yumyums mumbling Ohhhhs.  
“Officer Jenny, Misty, and Brock…”
“Hey Dick,” whispered Dylan, “Can you lend me a sock?” 
The boys hollered like hound dogs, they giggled with glee, 
Their juices were forming a Caspian Sea. 
“I must go, my dear fellows, more presents await! 
Waifus and husbandos are big in Kuwait.”
Up the chimney he rose, while lugging his sack,
December of next year St. Dick would be back. 
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a creamy white missile. 
But they heard him exclaim, as he sipped on some drank—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good wank!”

CREDITS
Opening & Ending Music
Song Title: Space out
Artist: Chiro
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP1g70PNWdA