January 17, 2024 • 9 mins
This episode explores the relationship between gender bias and domestic abuse.
The more we understand the factors that go into being in an abusive relationship, the more we can understand how to avoid being in them ever again.
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:17):
Hey my friends!Did you know that there are
certain languages in which youwill not know the gender of the
subject or object that you'retalking about? Right in English
we always know what gender. Ourlanguage is evolved to make
(00:38):
gender known. That is why wehave gendered pronouns like she,
he, her, him. Most of theEuropean languages you have to
know whether a noun is masculineor feminine. Our language and a
(00:59):
lot of European languagesrevolve around gender. But there
are some languages, like theYoruba language, in which there
there isn't gender in thelanguage in that way. There is
age markers, so you would referto someone differently based on
(01:19):
their seniority versus on theirgender.
(01:49):
The reason for this linguisticdifference is status. In the
West, in English, or Europeanlanguages, it matters what
gender someone has in ourculture, because that is how
status is ascribed. Maleidentified people have a higher
status than female identifiedpeople in our culture. And you
(02:11):
can see the evidence of thathierarchy in our history, in our
cultural facts. You need onlylook at the fact that women
could not get a credit cardwithout a man signing off on it
until 1974. Status. Hierarchy.
Male identified people havealways enjoyed a higher societal
(02:34):
status in our culture and ourlanguage is just a reflection of
that.
Whereas, for the Yoruba people,status is determined by age. You
(02:59):
give deference to your elders,right? You give respect to your
elders. And so their languagehas come to reflect that
hierarchy. It couldn't matter somuch the gender of a person, but
what would matter is their ageso you would know how to treat
them. Like how in our society wedon't care about someone's age
so much as their gender to knowhow to think about and treat
(03:20):
them.
So why are we talking aboutthis? Other than it being an
(03:40):
interesting tidbit ofinformation, I think it is
important to be aware of thishierarchy and gender that exists
in many of the world's cultures,including my own, because that
(04:04):
hierarchy contributes todomestic abuse. It lays the
foundation for it. Andobviously, there are many more
factors that go into it.
Otherwise, all men would beabusive. But I think we ignore
this foundational element to ourdetriment. Because that
hierarchy exists in the worldand unless we are actively
(04:27):
working to combat it, unless wepurposely teach the younger
generations that it is nonsense,they grow up with a sense of
males mattering more thanfemales. And anytime you can
look at someone and think ofthem as less than, even at a
subconscious level, you cantreat them as less than. You
(04:49):
will do and say things to themthat you wouldn't do to someone
that you consider an equal. Ifyou ,even subconsciously, see
yourself as less than, you willaccept treatment that you might
not otherwise accept if youbelieved you were equals.
(05:11):
And it lets you ignore the waywomen are treated because it's
And I think it is important torecognize not only that it
(05:33):
just how it is. And I think thisaffects a lot of men because
even if they aren't activelyharming women, I guarantee they
know someone who does. And theyare able to ignore it. It
becomes Dave talks to his wifethat way because that's just how
Dave talks to his wife. Insteadof oh my god, Dave, why are you
(05:53):
being so fucking mean to yourwife? Even if they're not
participating, they're stillokay with it on some level. And
this is because that hierarchyexists and has created this as
an unconscious bias for all ofus who live in a culture like
this. And I think one of themost sinister parts of this is
(06:17):
that it is largely invisible. Wedon't see this hierarchy all the
time actively, even as we areparticipating in it with the
very language that we speak.
Unless you make an effort, aconscious effort, to step back
and look at it, it just lays thefoundation of your life.
(06:59):
exists and is influencing uswhether we realize it or not,
but also that it is optional. Itisn't capital T truth that women
are less than men. We can knowthat because there are 7 billion
people on this planet and notall of them operate under that
(07:21):
assumption. It is an optionalway to live. It is an optional
assumption to have. And I thinkit is extremely important to
look at how this bias plays outin your own life. How has how
you view yourself been affectedby this?
(08:09):
I've seen how this shows up forme. For a long time I never
realized that I was deferring tomen in making decisions. If I
was in a meeting at work, and Isaid something, and then a man
said something else, I woulddefer to him. I subconsciously
assumed that he knew better thanme. And it took me a long time
before I really looked and askedmyself does what this man is
(08:37):
saying actually makes sense. AndI started to see that sometimes
what they said was bullshitnonsense, and I did know better.
But I still felt this urge todefer to them.
(09:05):
How did this hierarchycontribute to being gaslighted?
Are you more susceptible togaslighting performed by men
than women? How has thisinfluenced what you believe you
are capable of? All of thesethings are ways that we could
(09:26):
have been affected by thishierarchy that exists in our
society. And they're things thatwe have to look out for
ourselves.
(09:49):
When I was growing up, there wasthis bullshit idea floating
around that boys were better atmath than girls. And so I just
didn't focus that much on math.
I thought if I wasn't going tobe good at it anyway, I might as
well focus on my strengths. So Iheld myself back from learning
more math. In my working life, Ihave had jobs where I had the
(10:10):
same responsibilities andfunctions as the engineers.
However, I couldn't claim anengineering title that comes
with way more pay because Ididn't have an engineering
degree. And the only reason Ididn't get the engineering
degree is because I thought it'dbe too much math and I wasn't
going to be able to do it. Whenmy abusive ex husband acted like
(10:34):
I was horribly incapable ofeverything that I did, I didn't
question it very much. It waseasy for my brain to accept that
he knew better than me. That'show this societal hierarchy
hurts us. It definitely laid afoundation in my own life for
abuse.
(11:22):
It's worth looking at the way itinfluenced your abusive
relationship because if youunderstand the factors that went
into being in that relationship,you can understand what needs to
change in order to stay out ofrelationships like that.
(11:48):
And I think it's meaningful tosee that the abuse that happened
to you wasn't your fault. Itwasn't that the problem was you.
There were literally societalfactors that were working
(12:09):
against you. And that's not yourfault. And it is our
responsibility now to becomemore aware of these things and
(12:31):
learn more things and gainknowledge and insight so that we
can better protect ourselves inthe future.
So I would invite you to examinehow your own unconscious gender
(12:54):
bias may have contributed toyour abusive relationship. And
as always, if this is sticky andyou feel like you're not really
seeing it, bring it to acoaching session and we will
definitely shed some light onit. All right my friends. Until
next time, be well.
Hey my friends!Did you know that there are
certain languages in which youwill not know the gender of the
subject or object that you'retalking about? Right in English
we always know what gender. Ourlanguage is evolved to make
(00:38):
gender known. That is why wehave gendered pronouns like she,
he, her, him. Most of theEuropean languages you have to
know whether a noun is masculineor feminine. Our language and a
(00:59):
lot of European languagesrevolve around gender. But there
are some languages, like theYoruba language, in which there
there isn't gender in thelanguage in that way. There is
age markers, so you would referto someone differently based on
(01:19):
their seniority versus on theirgender.
(01:49):
The reason for this linguisticdifference is status. In the
West, in English, or Europeanlanguages, it matters what
gender someone has in ourculture, because that is how
status is ascribed. Maleidentified people have a higher
status than female identifiedpeople in our culture. And you
(02:11):
can see the evidence of thathierarchy in our history, in our
cultural facts. You need onlylook at the fact that women
could not get a credit cardwithout a man signing off on it
until 1974. Status. Hierarchy.
Male identified people havealways enjoyed a higher societal
(02:34):
status in our culture and ourlanguage is just a reflection of
that.
Whereas, for the Yoruba people,status is determined by age. You
(02:59):
give deference to your elders,right? You give respect to your
elders. And so their languagehas come to reflect that
hierarchy. It couldn't matter somuch the gender of a person, but
what would matter is their ageso you would know how to treat
them. Like how in our society wedon't care about someone's age
so much as their gender to knowhow to think about and treat
(03:20):
them.
So why are we talking aboutthis? Other than it being an
(03:40):
interesting tidbit ofinformation, I think it is
important to be aware of thishierarchy and gender that exists
in many of the world's cultures,including my own, because that
(04:04):
hierarchy contributes todomestic abuse. It lays the
foundation for it. Andobviously, there are many more
factors that go into it.
Otherwise, all men would beabusive. But I think we ignore
this foundational element to ourdetriment. Because that
hierarchy exists in the worldand unless we are actively
(04:27):
working to combat it, unless wepurposely teach the younger
generations that it is nonsense,they grow up with a sense of
males mattering more thanfemales. And anytime you can
look at someone and think ofthem as less than, even at a
subconscious level, you cantreat them as less than. You
(04:49):
will do and say things to themthat you wouldn't do to someone
that you consider an equal. Ifyou ,even subconsciously, see
yourself as less than, you willaccept treatment that you might
not otherwise accept if youbelieved you were equals.
(05:11):
And it lets you ignore the waywomen are treated because it's
And I think it is important torecognize not only that it
(05:33):
just how it is. And I think thisaffects a lot of men because
even if they aren't activelyharming women, I guarantee they
know someone who does. And theyare able to ignore it. It
becomes Dave talks to his wifethat way because that's just how
Dave talks to his wife. Insteadof oh my god, Dave, why are you
(05:53):
being so fucking mean to yourwife? Even if they're not
participating, they're stillokay with it on some level. And
this is because that hierarchyexists and has created this as
an unconscious bias for all ofus who live in a culture like
this. And I think one of themost sinister parts of this is
(06:17):
that it is largely invisible. Wedon't see this hierarchy all the
time actively, even as we areparticipating in it with the
very language that we speak.
Unless you make an effort, aconscious effort, to step back
and look at it, it just lays thefoundation of your life.
(06:59):
exists and is influencing uswhether we realize it or not,
but also that it is optional. Itisn't capital T truth that women
are less than men. We can knowthat because there are 7 billion
people on this planet and notall of them operate under that
(07:21):
assumption. It is an optionalway to live. It is an optional
assumption to have. And I thinkit is extremely important to
look at how this bias plays outin your own life. How has how
you view yourself been affectedby this?
(08:09):
I've seen how this shows up forme. For a long time I never
realized that I was deferring tomen in making decisions. If I
was in a meeting at work, and Isaid something, and then a man
said something else, I woulddefer to him. I subconsciously
assumed that he knew better thanme. And it took me a long time
before I really looked and askedmyself does what this man is
(08:37):
saying actually makes sense. AndI started to see that sometimes
what they said was bullshitnonsense, and I did know better.
But I still felt this urge todefer to them.
(09:05):
How did this hierarchycontribute to being gaslighted?
Are you more susceptible togaslighting performed by men
than women? How has thisinfluenced what you believe you
are capable of? All of thesethings are ways that we could
(09:26):
have been affected by thishierarchy that exists in our
society. And they're things thatwe have to look out for
ourselves.
(09:49):
When I was growing up, there wasthis bullshit idea floating
around that boys were better atmath than girls. And so I just
didn't focus that much on math.
I thought if I wasn't going tobe good at it anyway, I might as
well focus on my strengths. So Iheld myself back from learning
more math. In my working life, Ihave had jobs where I had the
(10:10):
same responsibilities andfunctions as the engineers.
However, I couldn't claim anengineering title that comes
with way more pay because Ididn't have an engineering
degree. And the only reason Ididn't get the engineering
degree is because I thought it'dbe too much math and I wasn't
going to be able to do it. Whenmy abusive ex husband acted like
(10:34):
I was horribly incapable ofeverything that I did, I didn't
question it very much. It waseasy for my brain to accept that
he knew better than me. That'show this societal hierarchy
hurts us. It definitely laid afoundation in my own life for
abuse.
(11:22):
It's worth looking at the way itinfluenced your abusive
relationship because if youunderstand the factors that went
into being in that relationship,you can understand what needs to
change in order to stay out ofrelationships like that.
(11:48):
And I think it's meaningful tosee that the abuse that happened
to you wasn't your fault. Itwasn't that the problem was you.
There were literally societalfactors that were working
(12:09):
against you. And that's not yourfault. And it is our
responsibility now to becomemore aware of these things and
(12:31):
learn more things and gainknowledge and insight so that we
can better protect ourselves inthe future.
So I would invite you to examinehow your own unconscious gender
(12:54):
bias may have contributed toyour abusive relationship. And
as always, if this is sticky andyou feel like you're not really
seeing it, bring it to acoaching session and we will
definitely shed some light onit. All right my friends. Until
next time, be well.
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