March 27, 2024 • 8 mins
Breaking free from the effects of abuse includes breaking free from the cultures that promote it. This episode explores the cultural grooming for abuse that happens in certain areas of our society.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:17):
Hello my friends. Oh my God, myfriends. I planted watermelon
seeds from this little packetand now they're sprouting and I
was just like struck this weekby how fucking cool it is. I put
dried up seeds that had beensitting in a package for who
knows how long in some dirt withsome water and they came to
(00:39):
life-- that's just amazing. Ohmy god like life is just
amazing. Anyway, that was justour little aside for day because
I am just in awe of how plantscan grow out of seeds.
(01:15):
I can remember one night in mymarriage where my ex was mad at
me about something that hadhappened like a while back. He
had gotten mad at the time thatit happened and then one day
months later, he just likeremembered or he got reminded of
it by a YouTube video hewatched. He got mad all over
(01:36):
again. You can't make this stuffup. So because he watched this
video and was reminded of this,he was mad and was in his
typical fashion punishing me forit. And by punishing me I mean
being nasty to me. He was givingme dirty looks. He was giving me
(01:57):
the silent treatment except forthe occasional nasty digging
comment and letting me know thathe was mad because of XYZ and it
was all my fault. And I don'tknow if your experience of the
silent treatment was the same asmine, but in his he liked to
pretend that I didn't exist. Soif I was standing in the way he
(02:18):
would just walk through me andpush me away. It was a whole
thing like pretend I'minvisible. Except if I didn't
seem bothered enough by it, thenhe would have to break his
silence to say mean things.
(02:47):
So anyway, that was what washappening on this particular
night. Nothing special, prettytypical day in the life. But on
that night, I was coping with itby making myself scarce. And
this is in a 700 square footapartment. So I basically banish
myself to my bed and I'm just inthere trying to avoid him. And I
(03:10):
just remember sitting there inmy bed and suddenly wondering if
other people live like thisalso. Like is this normal? Do
all the other women inrelationships that I know have
this happen to them? Like isthis okay? So I started Googling
it. As you do. Google knowseverything right?
(03:47):
There is a reason doctors don'tlike when you Google stuff. The
results of my search were infavor of this type of behavior.
It was mostly Christian siteswhich stated that it was a man's
right to discipline his wife.
Part of a husband's job was tobe in charge of his wife,
including disciplining her. Theproblem with Googling 'is it
(04:11):
normal to punish your wife' isthat that isn't something a
normal person asks. Your typicalperson does not Google those
words. Your typical person doesnot write about that. Does not
talk about that. The only peoplewho talk about it are people who
are in favor of punishing wivesotherwise known as Christians.
(04:33):
So if you search it, the onlything available to come up is
these sites which are in favorof wife punishing.
(05:00):
Whenever someone asks why thesewomen don't just leave these
relationships, this is one ofthe things that I always think
of. It's like well, have youseen the type of things that
they are told? There are wholecultures of people that believe
that controlling and punishingwomen is okay because they are
less than men. There are wholecultures that groom and train
(05:21):
women to be abused and train andgroom men to be abusers. At some
point in my own abuse survivorjourney, I became keenly aware
that Christianity and itsculture promotes abuse. If
you've ever seen Gothard'sumbrella of protection it has
(05:42):
Christ at the top, with thehusband underneath, and the wife
and children underneath thehusband. People are taught that
men have the authority andcontrol of their households.
They are taught that wivesshould submit to their husbands;
(06:18):
they should obey their husbandsand their husbands obey Christ.
Towards women, there is thismessaging that your husband
knows better than you. You needto submit to your husband in
order to be a good wife. Towardsmen the messaging is that it is
their God given right to exertcontrol over women; they are
(06:40):
superior to women.
All of this messaging leads toabuse. It leads to men exerting
(07:04):
more control than is healthy. Itsets the stage for gaslighting.
How easy is it to questionyourself when you believe that
the person who is gaslightingyou knows better than you? I
grew up in one of thesereligions that promotes this
same messaging. Men were on top.
Men were their priesthoodholders and women were there for
(07:25):
their support. Women were lessthan. Women need to submit to
their superiors. It trains youto be a victim. That is victim
mentality being trained intoyou. People get real upset when
I say things like this. They saythat I am attacking
Christianity. And to be clear, Iam. They are right. I 100% am.
(07:49):
But it deserves to be attacked.
Promoting abuse should nothappen, especially in an
environment that so many peoplego to to seek safety.
(08:30):
I think it should be especiallyupsetting to people who do
consider themselves followers ofJesus. Like does the God you
know want you to be abused? Oris that what men have taken and
twisted and said what Godwanted? I'm not telling anyone
not to be Christian. Only youcan decide what is right for
(08:54):
you. For me, I want nothing todo with it. But I do think that
no matter what, you will haveto consider what you believe in
versus what people tell you. Isit coming from your God or is it
coming from some preacher witha power trip? is believing this
thing helping your life orhurting it?
(10:38):
What does your God want for you?
I personally would mistrustanything where there's a
middleman. I don't need a thirdparty to tell me what God or
Jesus or whoever wants. God orJesus or whoever can tell me
themself. But an honestconversation with yourself is
deserved. And if it matters toyou, speak out. I am sure it is
(11:01):
not all Christian spaces thatare toxic and abusive. But a lot
of them are and we need peopleto speak out about that. Because
those spaces are activelyharming people. People are being
hurt in them. I've been hurt inthem and maybe you have too. It
does not do to bury our heads inthe sand and pretend that it
(11:25):
isn't happening or that we can'tand shouldn't criticize this
aspect. So yeah, this is anupsetting thing to hear and it
should be upsetting. But wecan't talk about recovering from
abuse without talking about thisbecause this is a big part of
it. And so my friends, if youhaven't already had that honest
(11:49):
conversation with yourself, Iwould encourage you to do so.
And whatever outcome you arriveat from that conversation,
whatever you decide is right foryou, Know that I am in your
corner. Alright my friends untilnext time, be well.
Hello my friends. Oh my God, myfriends. I planted watermelon
seeds from this little packetand now they're sprouting and I
was just like struck this weekby how fucking cool it is. I put
dried up seeds that had beensitting in a package for who
knows how long in some dirt withsome water and they came to
(00:39):
life-- that's just amazing. Ohmy god like life is just
amazing. Anyway, that was justour little aside for day because
I am just in awe of how plantscan grow out of seeds.
(01:15):
I can remember one night in mymarriage where my ex was mad at
me about something that hadhappened like a while back. He
had gotten mad at the time thatit happened and then one day
months later, he just likeremembered or he got reminded of
it by a YouTube video hewatched. He got mad all over
(01:36):
again. You can't make this stuffup. So because he watched this
video and was reminded of this,he was mad and was in his
typical fashion punishing me forit. And by punishing me I mean
being nasty to me. He was givingme dirty looks. He was giving me
(01:57):
the silent treatment except forthe occasional nasty digging
comment and letting me know thathe was mad because of XYZ and it
was all my fault. And I don'tknow if your experience of the
silent treatment was the same asmine, but in his he liked to
pretend that I didn't exist. Soif I was standing in the way he
(02:18):
would just walk through me andpush me away. It was a whole
thing like pretend I'minvisible. Except if I didn't
seem bothered enough by it, thenhe would have to break his
silence to say mean things.
(02:47):
So anyway, that was what washappening on this particular
night. Nothing special, prettytypical day in the life. But on
that night, I was coping with itby making myself scarce. And
this is in a 700 square footapartment. So I basically banish
myself to my bed and I'm just inthere trying to avoid him. And I
(03:10):
just remember sitting there inmy bed and suddenly wondering if
other people live like thisalso. Like is this normal? Do
all the other women inrelationships that I know have
this happen to them? Like isthis okay? So I started Googling
it. As you do. Google knowseverything right?
(03:47):
There is a reason doctors don'tlike when you Google stuff. The
results of my search were infavor of this type of behavior.
It was mostly Christian siteswhich stated that it was a man's
right to discipline his wife.
Part of a husband's job was tobe in charge of his wife,
including disciplining her. Theproblem with Googling 'is it
(04:11):
normal to punish your wife' isthat that isn't something a
normal person asks. Your typicalperson does not Google those
words. Your typical person doesnot write about that. Does not
talk about that. The only peoplewho talk about it are people who
are in favor of punishing wivesotherwise known as Christians.
(04:33):
So if you search it, the onlything available to come up is
these sites which are in favorof wife punishing.
(05:00):
Whenever someone asks why thesewomen don't just leave these
relationships, this is one ofthe things that I always think
of. It's like well, have youseen the type of things that
they are told? There are wholecultures of people that believe
that controlling and punishingwomen is okay because they are
less than men. There are wholecultures that groom and train
(05:21):
women to be abused and train andgroom men to be abusers. At some
point in my own abuse survivorjourney, I became keenly aware
that Christianity and itsculture promotes abuse. If
you've ever seen Gothard'sumbrella of protection it has
(05:42):
Christ at the top, with thehusband underneath, and the wife
and children underneath thehusband. People are taught that
men have the authority andcontrol of their households.
They are taught that wivesshould submit to their husbands;
(06:18):
they should obey their husbandsand their husbands obey Christ.
Towards women, there is thismessaging that your husband
knows better than you. You needto submit to your husband in
order to be a good wife. Towardsmen the messaging is that it is
their God given right to exertcontrol over women; they are
(06:40):
superior to women.
All of this messaging leads toabuse. It leads to men exerting
(07:04):
more control than is healthy. Itsets the stage for gaslighting.
How easy is it to questionyourself when you believe that
the person who is gaslightingyou knows better than you? I
grew up in one of thesereligions that promotes this
same messaging. Men were on top.
Men were their priesthoodholders and women were there for
(07:25):
their support. Women were lessthan. Women need to submit to
their superiors. It trains youto be a victim. That is victim
mentality being trained intoyou. People get real upset when
I say things like this. They saythat I am attacking
Christianity. And to be clear, Iam. They are right. I 100% am.
(07:49):
But it deserves to be attacked.
Promoting abuse should nothappen, especially in an
environment that so many peoplego to to seek safety.
(08:30):
I think it should be especiallyupsetting to people who do
consider themselves followers ofJesus. Like does the God you
know want you to be abused? Oris that what men have taken and
twisted and said what Godwanted? I'm not telling anyone
not to be Christian. Only youcan decide what is right for
(08:54):
you. For me, I want nothing todo with it. But I do think that
no matter what, you will haveto consider what you believe in
versus what people tell you. Isit coming from your God or is it
coming from some preacher witha power trip? is believing this
thing helping your life orhurting it?
(10:38):
What does your God want for you?
I personally would mistrustanything where there's a
middleman. I don't need a thirdparty to tell me what God or
Jesus or whoever wants. God orJesus or whoever can tell me
themself. But an honestconversation with yourself is
deserved. And if it matters toyou, speak out. I am sure it is
(11:01):
not all Christian spaces thatare toxic and abusive. But a lot
of them are and we need peopleto speak out about that. Because
those spaces are activelyharming people. People are being
hurt in them. I've been hurt inthem and maybe you have too. It
does not do to bury our heads inthe sand and pretend that it
(11:25):
isn't happening or that we can'tand shouldn't criticize this
aspect. So yeah, this is anupsetting thing to hear and it
should be upsetting. But wecan't talk about recovering from
abuse without talking about thisbecause this is a big part of
it. And so my friends, if youhaven't already had that honest
(11:49):
conversation with yourself, Iwould encourage you to do so.
And whatever outcome you arriveat from that conversation,
whatever you decide is right foryou, Know that I am in your
corner. Alright my friends untilnext time, be well.
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