May 15, 2024 • 8 mins
Abuse survivors have a tendency to blame themselves for a lot of the things that their abusers do or say. This episode talks about breaking the mental habit of accepting the blame that isn't yours.
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:14):
Hey my friends. I've beenwatching Ru Paul's drag race on
Hulu. And I love that show. Onebecause it's light and fun. But
what I like most is that theQueens that act like spoiled
children don't get very far inthe competition. And if you've
ever spent a minute in corporateAmerica, you know that that
(00:37):
isn't the case there. It'susually the shit that floats to
the top. So it's really nice andrefreshing to see that somewhere
that isn't the case. Anyway,that's our aside for this week.
Have you ever stopped yourselffrom talking about what your ex
(00:58):
did because you didn't want totalk badly about them? This is
so fascinating to me because Isee this sometimes where people
will censor themselves so as notto talk bad about their abuser.
But stating the facts of whathappened isn't talking bad about
someone. You're not shit talkingthem. You were just stating what
(01:22):
happened. What you experienced.
It's not shit talking if you arejust saying what they did. Just
like setting a boundary isn'tpunishing someone. Getting a
divorce wasn't something thatyou DID to them. The idea that
some people should be able to dowhatever they want, and not have
the natural consequences forthat is insane. Getting a
(01:42):
divorce isn't what you did tothem. It was a result of the way
they behaved. Talking about yourexperience isn't talking bad
about them. The fact that whatthey did was bad does not mean
that you need to hide it. Ifthey didn't want that out there
(02:04):
there, they shouldn't have doneit. A lot of abusers will try to
make you think that the naturalconsequences are something
malicious that you are doing tothem. Don't fall for it. It's
bananas.
(02:34):
No one gets to act any kind ofwhich way and not have an effect
on things. Like all actions haveconsequences. Just because
someone doesn't like aconsequence doesn't mean that
they are being wronged. It meansthey made a bad choice. Don't
(02:54):
let these people convince youthat them not liking the
consequences of their ownactions is in any way your
problem. If they are hurt by theconsequences, it isn't you
hurting them. It is themselves.
If they ate an entire tub of icecream and got a massive stomach
ache, would you blame yourself?
(03:16):
They might try to blame you with'well you should stop me' or
whatever they say when they'reavoiding taking responsibility
for their own actions. But youdidn't force them to eat ice
cream. You didn't force them toabuse you. Those were their own
choices. Those were their ownactions. They don't get the
right to live without theconsequences of those actions.
(03:58):
But sometimes abuse survivorstry to absorb the consequences
for their abusers.
(04:52):
I think it goes back to thedynamic we talked about before
in the episode ResponsibilityVs. Blame, where abusers tend to
take no responsibilitywhatsoever for their actions.
And their victims usually takeon too much responsibility, even
for things that they couldn'tpossibly be responsible for or
(05:15):
have any control over. And whenthat happens, the abuse victim
tries to absorb the consequencesfor the abuser. They might do
things like stay quiet about itso as not to make them look bad.
Or try to justify the way thatthey were treated with like,
'Oh, it wasn't as bad as itcould have been' or 'Well, I was
(05:38):
kind of being difficult' or youknow, whatever the the excuse or
justification is. It's likeprotecting the abuser:
protecting them from their ownconsequences. But the reality is
that you can't make them lookbad; they made themselves look
bad. I get that when you are soused to shouldering the blame
(06:01):
for everything that it can bereally scary to stop doing that
and just let the chips fallwhere they may. And I get that
it almost feels like you'redoing something wrong. But
that's not the truth. That'swhat the abuser trained into
you. They spent a lot of timeand probably violence in
(06:23):
convincing you that everythingis your fault. That they
wouldn't act the way that theydo if you were just not the way
that you are. And at some pointyou start to believe it
yourself. You start acceptingthe blame for everything. And it
can be really hard to stop. Itcan feel really scary and it can
(06:46):
feel like you are being a badperson. But it's so necessary to
stop this dynamic. It'snecessary to stop trying to take
the blame for everything. Youhave to allow them to face their
own consequences. It's notsomething that you need to feel
guilty about. They are grown assadults who are making their own
(07:09):
decisions, and they are capableof shouldering the consequences
of those decisions. Also, thereare supposed to be consequences
for actions. That's nature'sfeedback loop. We're supposed to
be able to get feedback andadjust according to that
feedback. They need to be ableto get the feedback. They need
(07:32):
to start being held accountablefor the results of their
actions. And the only way thathappens is if you stop shielding
them from it.
(07:59):
When I first started talkingopenly about my childhood and
some of the things that Iexperienced, I felt this strong
guilt. It was like I felt guiltyfor making my mom look bad by
saying out loud some of thethings that she did. But what I
(08:21):
had to come to realize is thatas long as I wasn't
embellishing, if I was juststating what happened and how it
affected me, I wasn't doinganything wrong. She did what she
did, and I don't owe her mysilence. If she feels some kind
(08:42):
of way about what I say, thatisn't my fault. That's a
consequence of the things thatshe did. It's not something I
inflicted upon her. If shedoesn't like it, then it just
means that she doesn't like theresults of her actions. And she
(09:03):
can not like it all she wants.
She's entitled to that. But itisn't my job to protect her from
that. She's an adult now and shewas an adult then and adults get
to be accountable for theiractions. It isn't right for
anyone to expect anyone else tobe their shield.
(09:38):
So I hope you will take this toheart, my friends. You don't owe
anyone your protection. No onehas the right to demand that you
absorb the consequences of theiractions. That's not your burden
to bear. You have your ownburdents. And that is enough.
All right, my friends. Untilnext time, be well.
Hey my friends. I've beenwatching Ru Paul's drag race on
Hulu. And I love that show. Onebecause it's light and fun. But
what I like most is that theQueens that act like spoiled
children don't get very far inthe competition. And if you've
ever spent a minute in corporateAmerica, you know that that
(00:37):
isn't the case there. It'susually the shit that floats to
the top. So it's really nice andrefreshing to see that somewhere
that isn't the case. Anyway,that's our aside for this week.
Have you ever stopped yourselffrom talking about what your ex
(00:58):
did because you didn't want totalk badly about them? This is
so fascinating to me because Isee this sometimes where people
will censor themselves so as notto talk bad about their abuser.
But stating the facts of whathappened isn't talking bad about
someone. You're not shit talkingthem. You were just stating what
(01:22):
happened. What you experienced.
It's not shit talking if you arejust saying what they did. Just
like setting a boundary isn'tpunishing someone. Getting a
divorce wasn't something thatyou DID to them. The idea that
some people should be able to dowhatever they want, and not have
the natural consequences forthat is insane. Getting a
(01:42):
divorce isn't what you did tothem. It was a result of the way
they behaved. Talking about yourexperience isn't talking bad
about them. The fact that whatthey did was bad does not mean
that you need to hide it. Ifthey didn't want that out there
(02:04):
there, they shouldn't have doneit. A lot of abusers will try to
make you think that the naturalconsequences are something
malicious that you are doing tothem. Don't fall for it. It's
bananas.
(02:34):
No one gets to act any kind ofwhich way and not have an effect
on things. Like all actions haveconsequences. Just because
someone doesn't like aconsequence doesn't mean that
they are being wronged. It meansthey made a bad choice. Don't
(02:54):
let these people convince youthat them not liking the
consequences of their ownactions is in any way your
problem. If they are hurt by theconsequences, it isn't you
hurting them. It is themselves.
If they ate an entire tub of icecream and got a massive stomach
ache, would you blame yourself?
(03:16):
They might try to blame you with'well you should stop me' or
whatever they say when they'reavoiding taking responsibility
for their own actions. But youdidn't force them to eat ice
cream. You didn't force them toabuse you. Those were their own
choices. Those were their ownactions. They don't get the
right to live without theconsequences of those actions.
(03:58):
But sometimes abuse survivorstry to absorb the consequences
for their abusers.
(04:52):
I think it goes back to thedynamic we talked about before
in the episode ResponsibilityVs. Blame, where abusers tend to
take no responsibilitywhatsoever for their actions.
And their victims usually takeon too much responsibility, even
for things that they couldn'tpossibly be responsible for or
(05:15):
have any control over. And whenthat happens, the abuse victim
tries to absorb the consequencesfor the abuser. They might do
things like stay quiet about itso as not to make them look bad.
Or try to justify the way thatthey were treated with like,
'Oh, it wasn't as bad as itcould have been' or 'Well, I was
(05:38):
kind of being difficult' or youknow, whatever the the excuse or
justification is. It's likeprotecting the abuser:
protecting them from their ownconsequences. But the reality is
that you can't make them lookbad; they made themselves look
bad. I get that when you are soused to shouldering the blame
(06:01):
for everything that it can bereally scary to stop doing that
and just let the chips fallwhere they may. And I get that
it almost feels like you'redoing something wrong. But
that's not the truth. That'swhat the abuser trained into
you. They spent a lot of timeand probably violence in
(06:23):
convincing you that everythingis your fault. That they
wouldn't act the way that theydo if you were just not the way
that you are. And at some pointyou start to believe it
yourself. You start acceptingthe blame for everything. And it
can be really hard to stop. Itcan feel really scary and it can
(06:46):
feel like you are being a badperson. But it's so necessary to
stop this dynamic. It'snecessary to stop trying to take
the blame for everything. Youhave to allow them to face their
own consequences. It's notsomething that you need to feel
guilty about. They are grown assadults who are making their own
(07:09):
decisions, and they are capableof shouldering the consequences
of those decisions. Also, thereare supposed to be consequences
for actions. That's nature'sfeedback loop. We're supposed to
be able to get feedback andadjust according to that
feedback. They need to be ableto get the feedback. They need
(07:32):
to start being held accountablefor the results of their
actions. And the only way thathappens is if you stop shielding
them from it.
(07:59):
When I first started talkingopenly about my childhood and
some of the things that Iexperienced, I felt this strong
guilt. It was like I felt guiltyfor making my mom look bad by
saying out loud some of thethings that she did. But what I
(08:21):
had to come to realize is thatas long as I wasn't
embellishing, if I was juststating what happened and how it
affected me, I wasn't doinganything wrong. She did what she
did, and I don't owe her mysilence. If she feels some kind
(08:42):
of way about what I say, thatisn't my fault. That's a
consequence of the things thatshe did. It's not something I
inflicted upon her. If shedoesn't like it, then it just
means that she doesn't like theresults of her actions. And she
(09:03):
can not like it all she wants.
She's entitled to that. But itisn't my job to protect her from
that. She's an adult now and shewas an adult then and adults get
to be accountable for theiractions. It isn't right for
anyone to expect anyone else tobe their shield.
(09:38):
So I hope you will take this toheart, my friends. You don't owe
anyone your protection. No onehas the right to demand that you
absorb the consequences of theiractions. That's not your burden
to bear. You have your ownburdents. And that is enough.
All right, my friends. Untilnext time, be well.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.