March 20, 2024 • 7 mins
Spilling the tea on how to get exactly what you want out of life.
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:17):
Hey my friends. You know whatreally struck me this week, just
randomly really hit me? Iescaped a fucking cult. For all
of their fear tactics andshaming and manipulation and
lies and deceit, I stillescaped. I won. I don't think I
(00:40):
ever really celebrated thatbefore. It just kind of happened
and I never really like fullyallowed myself to appreciate
that. I also escaped an abusivemarriage. For all his work on my
self esteem and his threats andmy fears and doubts, I still got
out. I still won. These thingsare worth celebrating. Make sure
(01:08):
you celebrate your escapes myfriends. Anyways, I just wanted
to put that reminder out there,celebrate your escapes. They're
a big fucking deal. Anyway, ontoour topic for this week.
(01:35):
Something we're talking a lotabout in my circle this week is
paradoxes. How if you desiremore success, you actually have
to make friends with failure. Orif you want love, you have to be
willing to feel rejection. Ifyou go out of your way to avoid
rejection, you never putyourself out there. And without
(01:57):
putting yourself out there, youdon't find love. Or if you don't
take risks and try things andrisk failure and keep going, you
don't get successful atanything. If you want to publish
a book, you're gonna have a tonof rejections from publishers
and maybe, just maybe, one willsay yes. I don't know anyone who
has succeeded at somethingreally big where they just
(02:18):
succeeded at their first go.
Like everyone has their bumps inthe road and their hard lessons
that helped get them there.
(02:47):
I think about leaving mymarriage. In order to feel
safety, I actually had to feelmore fear first. Leaving that
marriage, making my sneakyescape was one of the most
terrifying experiences of mylife. I have the memory of
driving away in my car and mylegs were shaking so bad that I
(03:11):
could hardly operate the gas andbrake pedals. It was absolute
sheer terror. And if I had beenavoiding feeling fear, I would
have never made it. If I wasn'twilling to feel that fear, I
would have just buried myself infiction books and just tried to
(03:33):
avoid being present in my lifeas much as possible. But if I
wasn't willing to feel thatfear, I wouldn't have achieved
the feeling of safety that I gotto feel by leaving. In my life
now, I can go where I want, andbuy what I want, and wear what I
want, and all of that is safefor me to do. Living my life
(03:57):
doesn't feel unsafe anymore. Butin order to get to that place
where my life feels safe, I hadto go through a fuck ton of fear
first.
(04:27):
Experiencing love in your lifeis also opening yourself up to
grief. In order to experienceloving someone, you have to be
willing to also experiencegrief. Love and grief are
inseparable from each other. Ithink about how much I love my
dogs and I know that by lovingthem so much I am also opening
(04:50):
myself up to grief. Any love islike that. There's always that
possibility that the one youlove leaves. It means being
willing for that possibility tobe and loving anyway. If you're
not open to that possibility,you end up leaving relationships
(05:10):
as soon as you start to havefeelings. We call that avoidant
attachment style. You don't wantto get hurt so you leave before
you can get hurt. It's beingunwilling to feel those negative
feelings so you avoid thepossibility of them entirely.
But in that avoidance, you alsoavoid the good. You also avoid
(05:33):
the love. You can't have lovewithout least being open to the
possibility of grief, betrayal,rejection, and pain.
(06:04):
And that is the paradox of life.
In order to have one thing inyour life you must also be open
to its opposite. I think this isreally useful to realize. I
think it helps level set ourexpectations and kind of go in
with eyes wide open. If I knowthat in order to find love, I'm
going to have to be willing toput myself out there and feel
(06:26):
rejection also. Then when I dofeel more rejection, I know that
nothing has gone wrong. I knowthat I'm on the right track. I
know that if I avoid rejection,I also avoid love. When getting
to know someone, when I presentmy true self to them, there is
the possibility that they're notgoing to like that. They might
(06:48):
decide I am too much. They mightnot like who I am. But if I hide
who I am in order for them tolove me, then they don't really
love me do they? I deprivemyself of real love when I am
not willing to be rejected forwho I really am.
(07:25):
If I am so scared of losingmoney that I never invest it, my
money doesn't grow. I can'texpect growth while avoiding
loss. I have to at least be opento the possibility of loss. It
doesn't matter what it is inlife, nothing happens in a
vacuum. In order to havesomething you must be willing to
(07:47):
also have its opposite. I thinkthis can be useful to be aware
of when we are trying to figureout why we don't have something
that we want in our lives. Wecan ask ourselves if we have
been trying to avoid theopposite. In the pursuit of
love, am I also trying to avoidrejection? Because we know that
(08:09):
won't work. I can't avoidrejection and also feel love.
Looking at what you are avoidingwill explain what you have or
don't have in your life.
(09:21):
So my friends I would invite youthis week to take a look at what
you have been avoiding. And isthat avoidance costing you what
you really want? And can youopen yourself up to be willing
to feel what it is that you areavoiding? Those are the
(09:41):
questions I am asking myselfthese days. And I invite you to
consider these questions alongwith me. Alright, my friends,
until next time, be well.
Hey my friends. You know whatreally struck me this week, just
randomly really hit me? Iescaped a fucking cult. For all
of their fear tactics andshaming and manipulation and
lies and deceit, I stillescaped. I won. I don't think I
(00:40):
ever really celebrated thatbefore. It just kind of happened
and I never really like fullyallowed myself to appreciate
that. I also escaped an abusivemarriage. For all his work on my
self esteem and his threats andmy fears and doubts, I still got
out. I still won. These thingsare worth celebrating. Make sure
(01:08):
you celebrate your escapes myfriends. Anyways, I just wanted
to put that reminder out there,celebrate your escapes. They're
a big fucking deal. Anyway, ontoour topic for this week.
(01:35):
Something we're talking a lotabout in my circle this week is
paradoxes. How if you desiremore success, you actually have
to make friends with failure. Orif you want love, you have to be
willing to feel rejection. Ifyou go out of your way to avoid
rejection, you never putyourself out there. And without
(01:57):
putting yourself out there, youdon't find love. Or if you don't
take risks and try things andrisk failure and keep going, you
don't get successful atanything. If you want to publish
a book, you're gonna have a tonof rejections from publishers
and maybe, just maybe, one willsay yes. I don't know anyone who
has succeeded at somethingreally big where they just
(02:18):
succeeded at their first go.
Like everyone has their bumps inthe road and their hard lessons
that helped get them there.
(02:47):
I think about leaving mymarriage. In order to feel
safety, I actually had to feelmore fear first. Leaving that
marriage, making my sneakyescape was one of the most
terrifying experiences of mylife. I have the memory of
driving away in my car and mylegs were shaking so bad that I
(03:11):
could hardly operate the gas andbrake pedals. It was absolute
sheer terror. And if I had beenavoiding feeling fear, I would
have never made it. If I wasn'twilling to feel that fear, I
would have just buried myself infiction books and just tried to
(03:33):
avoid being present in my lifeas much as possible. But if I
wasn't willing to feel thatfear, I wouldn't have achieved
the feeling of safety that I gotto feel by leaving. In my life
now, I can go where I want, andbuy what I want, and wear what I
want, and all of that is safefor me to do. Living my life
(03:57):
doesn't feel unsafe anymore. Butin order to get to that place
where my life feels safe, I hadto go through a fuck ton of fear
first.
(04:27):
Experiencing love in your lifeis also opening yourself up to
grief. In order to experienceloving someone, you have to be
willing to also experiencegrief. Love and grief are
inseparable from each other. Ithink about how much I love my
dogs and I know that by lovingthem so much I am also opening
(04:50):
myself up to grief. Any love islike that. There's always that
possibility that the one youlove leaves. It means being
willing for that possibility tobe and loving anyway. If you're
not open to that possibility,you end up leaving relationships
(05:10):
as soon as you start to havefeelings. We call that avoidant
attachment style. You don't wantto get hurt so you leave before
you can get hurt. It's beingunwilling to feel those negative
feelings so you avoid thepossibility of them entirely.
But in that avoidance, you alsoavoid the good. You also avoid
(05:33):
the love. You can't have lovewithout least being open to the
possibility of grief, betrayal,rejection, and pain.
(06:04):
And that is the paradox of life.
In order to have one thing inyour life you must also be open
to its opposite. I think this isreally useful to realize. I
think it helps level set ourexpectations and kind of go in
with eyes wide open. If I knowthat in order to find love, I'm
going to have to be willing toput myself out there and feel
(06:26):
rejection also. Then when I dofeel more rejection, I know that
nothing has gone wrong. I knowthat I'm on the right track. I
know that if I avoid rejection,I also avoid love. When getting
to know someone, when I presentmy true self to them, there is
the possibility that they're notgoing to like that. They might
(06:48):
decide I am too much. They mightnot like who I am. But if I hide
who I am in order for them tolove me, then they don't really
love me do they? I deprivemyself of real love when I am
not willing to be rejected forwho I really am.
(07:25):
If I am so scared of losingmoney that I never invest it, my
money doesn't grow. I can'texpect growth while avoiding
loss. I have to at least be opento the possibility of loss. It
doesn't matter what it is inlife, nothing happens in a
vacuum. In order to havesomething you must be willing to
(07:47):
also have its opposite. I thinkthis can be useful to be aware
of when we are trying to figureout why we don't have something
that we want in our lives. Wecan ask ourselves if we have
been trying to avoid theopposite. In the pursuit of
love, am I also trying to avoidrejection? Because we know that
(08:09):
won't work. I can't avoidrejection and also feel love.
Looking at what you are avoidingwill explain what you have or
don't have in your life.
(09:21):
So my friends I would invite youthis week to take a look at what
you have been avoiding. And isthat avoidance costing you what
you really want? And can youopen yourself up to be willing
to feel what it is that you areavoiding? Those are the
(09:41):
questions I am asking myselfthese days. And I invite you to
consider these questions alongwith me. Alright, my friends,
until next time, be well.
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