April 10, 2024 • 9 mins
This episode dives into owning your own story and how that can help you not care about the negative opinions of others.
TW: violence
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:20):
Hey my friends. It is that timeof year where allergies are
hitting hard. Everything isblooming and boy do I feel it.
So if you've been listening tothe last few episodes, you will
remember that I mentioned that Ihad a panic attack in my Krav
Maga class. So if you didn'tlisten to that episode and don't
(00:44):
know what I'm talking about,basically, we were learning a
defense against being pinnedagainst the wall. The pinning
exercises always kind of put mea little on edge anyway, because
that was one of my ex's favoritetechniques of coercion. He liked
to pin me down until I gave intowhatever it was that he wanted.
(01:06):
So it's a little spicy for me tostart.
(02:05):
But then I was partnered with awoman that I hadn't worked with
before. And she's been doing ita long time and she just like
went full power at me and Iwasn't expecting that. So it
startled the hell out of me andthat just kind of sent me over
the edge and I ended up having apanic attack right there in the
(02:27):
middle of class. And the womanfelt really bad for not going
easier on someone newer and shesaid to me, like Promise you
won't quit. And I was like, No,I'm not gonna quit like why
would I quit? Like it's just apanic attack. It'll pass. I'm
surprised it hasn't alreadyhappened. It will probably
(02:48):
happen again. It's really no bigdeal. And I had a couple of
other people who I shared whathappened with ask me also if I
was going to quit and I waslike, why do people keep asking
me that? And I realized it'sbecause of the way that they are
thinking about panic attacks.
It's what they are making itmean in their own heads that
(03:10):
they think that quitting is thenatural outcome of having a
panic attack in class. Or atleast a possibility. Whereas the
way I was thinking about it, itwasn't even something I was
remotely considering.
I'm not saying that not quittingis better than quitting. Like
(03:48):
both are equally valid decisionsand there isn't like a morally
superior option. But I do wantto talk about how the stories we
tell ourselves about things thathappen shapes our lives and our
outcomes. Because there are thefacts of what happened. My
(04:09):
breathing changed to shallow andrapid. I had water come out of
my eyes and down my face. Myheart rate went up. There were
other people present who mayhave observed me. I left class
early. Those were the facts ofwhat happened. Anything on top
(04:30):
of that is just a story I wouldbe telling myself about those
facts. And that, my friends, iswhere all of our power lies--
with the stories that we tellourselves. And I say this all
the time on here. We can'talways control our
(04:52):
circumstances. I didn't get tocontrol what my body did in
response. But I get to choosewhat I make that mean and I have
chosen to make it mean thatpanic attacks are just the mark
of someone who has survivedincredible violence. It doesn't
(05:13):
mean anything else.
That wasn't always the case forme. I used to tell myself a very
(05:35):
different story about havingpanic attacks. I used to tell
myself that it meant I wasbroken and damaged and I needed
to fix myself because I wascrazy. I would have been
mortified at having a panicattack in public. I would have
called it humiliating. The panicattacks are the same in both
(05:56):
scenarios. A panic attack is apanic attack: elevated heart
rate, shallow rapid breathing,water running from eyes down
face. The only thing that haschanged is how I think about
them. I chose on purpose what Iwanted it to mean because the
(06:16):
reality of living with PTSD isthat panic attacks probably
aren't going anywhere. You mightgo decades without having one,
but PTSD doesn't get cured. Itjust gets managed. So there's
always going to be thepossibility of having one or
being triggered again.
(06:51):
But knowing that reality gave mea really important choice of how
I wanted to think about thisthing. Because I could choose to
think about it in a way thatbrought more suffering. Or I
could choose a way to thinkabout it that made it easier to
carry.
(07:29):
So I chose to believe thingsabout it that let me carry panic
attacks well. I recognize when Istarted having one and I work to
calm it down. I take care ofmyself during it and after it.
And I'm not mean to myself aboutit. The only thing I believe
about it is that it is a mark ofmy having experienced great
(07:49):
violence in my life, which Ihave. Other people haven't so
they don't get them. But I don'tthink it means anything more
about me than I think it meanssomething about people who get
migraines. I don't getmigraines. Some people do. I
don't think that it makes themweak or bad or defective. They
(08:10):
just get migraines for whateverreason. I just get panic
attacks. It really isn't a bigdeal to me.
(08:36):
The other thing I get askedabout a lot is what about other
people, what other people thinkabout it? But the thing is that
you can't ever control whatother people think. Are there
people in my class that couldthink awful things about me
(08:57):
based on me having a panicattack? Absolutely. But the
thing is that I think the onlykind of person who could think
something bad about me based offof that, is someone who has no
fucking experience whatsoeverwith violence. Most of those
(09:18):
people in there probably onlyhave ever been attacked inside
of that classroom. They are onlylearning violence in theory. I
have real world fuckingexperience. I know what it feels
like to be pinned in real life.
I know what it's like to be atgunpoint in real life. So why
(09:39):
should these people who not knownothing, have any kind of
opinion that matters? Theydon't. It's like someone who has
read all about riding a bike,but never actually ridden one,
trying to tell you about ridinga bike. If I've ridden a bike
(10:00):
before, I don't give a fuck whatsomeone who has only ever read
about it has to say about it.
Get on a fucking bike before youtalk to me. So I just really
don't worry about those types ofpeople. They aren't worth my
(10:22):
time or my energy. There are somany sayings and Proverbs
advising you not to argue withfools. And I think this is that.
Some people are just stupid andyou got to let them be stupid.
There was one woman at a placewhere I worked who found out
(10:44):
that I had been divorced. Andshe looked at me and she made a
face and was like, Yeah,marriage is hard. And it was so
condescending the way she saidit. I was just like, yeah, and I
just let it go. I ignored her. Ilet her be wrong about me. I let
(11:05):
her judge me. And why? Because Iknew that her definition of hard
and my definition of hardweren't the same. I knew she
would shit her pants if she everwent through a fraction of what
I had. The only thing I thoughtabout her is that she was really
(11:27):
fucking dumb and knew nothing.
And I don't argue with fools. Idon't argue with stupid people
or argue with crazy people.
Because you just can't. It willsuck the life out of you to try.
The more solid you are in yourown beliefs about yourself, the
(11:49):
easier it is to just let stupidpeople be stupid people. There's
a quote by George Bernard Shawthat says "never wrestle with
pigs. You both get dirty and thepig likes it."
(12:19):
So that is what I have for youthis week. My friends, choose on
purpose what you want to believeabout yourself, your
circumstances, the things thathave happened to you. Because
you get to choose which storylives in your head. And the
stronger you get in your ownstory, the more other people's
stories just roll off of you.
You can email me if you have anyquestions. My email is on my
(12:43):
websitewww.melindagerdungcoaching.com.
All right. My friends. Untilnext time, be well.
Hey my friends. It is that timeof year where allergies are
hitting hard. Everything isblooming and boy do I feel it.
So if you've been listening tothe last few episodes, you will
remember that I mentioned that Ihad a panic attack in my Krav
Maga class. So if you didn'tlisten to that episode and don't
(00:44):
know what I'm talking about,basically, we were learning a
defense against being pinnedagainst the wall. The pinning
exercises always kind of put mea little on edge anyway, because
that was one of my ex's favoritetechniques of coercion. He liked
to pin me down until I gave intowhatever it was that he wanted.
(01:06):
So it's a little spicy for me tostart.
(02:05):
But then I was partnered with awoman that I hadn't worked with
before. And she's been doing ita long time and she just like
went full power at me and Iwasn't expecting that. So it
startled the hell out of me andthat just kind of sent me over
the edge and I ended up having apanic attack right there in the
(02:27):
middle of class. And the womanfelt really bad for not going
easier on someone newer and shesaid to me, like Promise you
won't quit. And I was like, No,I'm not gonna quit like why
would I quit? Like it's just apanic attack. It'll pass. I'm
surprised it hasn't alreadyhappened. It will probably
(02:48):
happen again. It's really no bigdeal. And I had a couple of
other people who I shared whathappened with ask me also if I
was going to quit and I waslike, why do people keep asking
me that? And I realized it'sbecause of the way that they are
thinking about panic attacks.
It's what they are making itmean in their own heads that
(03:10):
they think that quitting is thenatural outcome of having a
panic attack in class. Or atleast a possibility. Whereas the
way I was thinking about it, itwasn't even something I was
remotely considering.
I'm not saying that not quittingis better than quitting. Like
(03:48):
both are equally valid decisionsand there isn't like a morally
superior option. But I do wantto talk about how the stories we
tell ourselves about things thathappen shapes our lives and our
outcomes. Because there are thefacts of what happened. My
(04:09):
breathing changed to shallow andrapid. I had water come out of
my eyes and down my face. Myheart rate went up. There were
other people present who mayhave observed me. I left class
early. Those were the facts ofwhat happened. Anything on top
(04:30):
of that is just a story I wouldbe telling myself about those
facts. And that, my friends, iswhere all of our power lies--
with the stories that we tellourselves. And I say this all
the time on here. We can'talways control our
(04:52):
circumstances. I didn't get tocontrol what my body did in
response. But I get to choosewhat I make that mean and I have
chosen to make it mean thatpanic attacks are just the mark
of someone who has survivedincredible violence. It doesn't
(05:13):
mean anything else.
That wasn't always the case forme. I used to tell myself a very
(05:35):
different story about havingpanic attacks. I used to tell
myself that it meant I wasbroken and damaged and I needed
to fix myself because I wascrazy. I would have been
mortified at having a panicattack in public. I would have
called it humiliating. The panicattacks are the same in both
(05:56):
scenarios. A panic attack is apanic attack: elevated heart
rate, shallow rapid breathing,water running from eyes down
face. The only thing that haschanged is how I think about
them. I chose on purpose what Iwanted it to mean because the
(06:16):
reality of living with PTSD isthat panic attacks probably
aren't going anywhere. You mightgo decades without having one,
but PTSD doesn't get cured. Itjust gets managed. So there's
always going to be thepossibility of having one or
being triggered again.
(06:51):
But knowing that reality gave mea really important choice of how
I wanted to think about thisthing. Because I could choose to
think about it in a way thatbrought more suffering. Or I
could choose a way to thinkabout it that made it easier to
carry.
(07:29):
So I chose to believe thingsabout it that let me carry panic
attacks well. I recognize when Istarted having one and I work to
calm it down. I take care ofmyself during it and after it.
And I'm not mean to myself aboutit. The only thing I believe
about it is that it is a mark ofmy having experienced great
(07:49):
violence in my life, which Ihave. Other people haven't so
they don't get them. But I don'tthink it means anything more
about me than I think it meanssomething about people who get
migraines. I don't getmigraines. Some people do. I
don't think that it makes themweak or bad or defective. They
(08:10):
just get migraines for whateverreason. I just get panic
attacks. It really isn't a bigdeal to me.
(08:36):
The other thing I get askedabout a lot is what about other
people, what other people thinkabout it? But the thing is that
you can't ever control whatother people think. Are there
people in my class that couldthink awful things about me
(08:57):
based on me having a panicattack? Absolutely. But the
thing is that I think the onlykind of person who could think
something bad about me based offof that, is someone who has no
fucking experience whatsoeverwith violence. Most of those
(09:18):
people in there probably onlyhave ever been attacked inside
of that classroom. They are onlylearning violence in theory. I
have real world fuckingexperience. I know what it feels
like to be pinned in real life.
I know what it's like to be atgunpoint in real life. So why
(09:39):
should these people who not knownothing, have any kind of
opinion that matters? Theydon't. It's like someone who has
read all about riding a bike,but never actually ridden one,
trying to tell you about ridinga bike. If I've ridden a bike
(10:00):
before, I don't give a fuck whatsomeone who has only ever read
about it has to say about it.
Get on a fucking bike before youtalk to me. So I just really
don't worry about those types ofpeople. They aren't worth my
(10:22):
time or my energy. There are somany sayings and Proverbs
advising you not to argue withfools. And I think this is that.
Some people are just stupid andyou got to let them be stupid.
There was one woman at a placewhere I worked who found out
(10:44):
that I had been divorced. Andshe looked at me and she made a
face and was like, Yeah,marriage is hard. And it was so
condescending the way she saidit. I was just like, yeah, and I
just let it go. I ignored her. Ilet her be wrong about me. I let
(11:05):
her judge me. And why? Because Iknew that her definition of hard
and my definition of hardweren't the same. I knew she
would shit her pants if she everwent through a fraction of what
I had. The only thing I thoughtabout her is that she was really
(11:27):
fucking dumb and knew nothing.
And I don't argue with fools. Idon't argue with stupid people
or argue with crazy people.
Because you just can't. It willsuck the life out of you to try.
The more solid you are in yourown beliefs about yourself, the
(11:49):
easier it is to just let stupidpeople be stupid people. There's
a quote by George Bernard Shawthat says "never wrestle with
pigs. You both get dirty and thepig likes it."
(12:19):
So that is what I have for youthis week. My friends, choose on
purpose what you want to believeabout yourself, your
circumstances, the things thathave happened to you. Because
you get to choose which storylives in your head. And the
stronger you get in your ownstory, the more other people's
stories just roll off of you.
You can email me if you have anyquestions. My email is on my
(12:43):
websitewww.melindagerdungcoaching.com.
All right. My friends. Untilnext time, be well.
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