April 29, 2024 • 12 mins
Ever felt like you're walking a tightrope in your marriage? Let's tackle that head-on. I'm Brett Nikula, and in our latest episode, we delve into the sensitive topic of setting boundaries with our better halves. Lets move beyond the pressure that often come with 'house rules'—I'm here to guide you through understanding the 'why' behind your expectations and how they impact your union. You'll discover a practical tool I've used to enhance self-awareness and improve communication. This isn't about laying down the law; it's about fostering a deeper connection with your spouse and nurturing a partnership that thrives on love and mutual respect.
For those eager to continue this exploration, join me on my website— where together we can reshape the future of marriages. Come along and let's unlock the transformative potential that lies within our connections.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Episode number 83, rules for your Spouse.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:22):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Hey everybody, welcome back tothe podcast.
I feel like I'm finally comingtoward the end of what has been
an especially busy stretch forme.
Tomorrow my wife and I, alongwith all of our kids, are going
(00:46):
to board a plane and head downto Florida, hopefully in the sun
, down in the Destin area, andthen after that I have just a
quick little trip scheduled toUtah, maybe two weeks after we
get back, and then I'm reallyhoping that travel slows down
for a bit and I can focus onsome things just here within the
business and around home.
(01:07):
Likely by the time that youlisten to this podcast, both of
those trips will have come andgone, because I've been working
really hard to try to get aheadon my podcasting and recordings.
I'm sure you can tell that mysister Janae she's kind of the
behind the scenes girl, the girlthat makes a lot of my content
(01:27):
happen she's been editing andposting my podcasts.
So what I'm doing is.
I'm recording them, I'm sendingthem over to her, she's editing
them and posting them for meand it's been a huge help during
this especially busy time.
But because of that I've had toget ahead of schedule, I guess,
or maybe catch up to where Ishould be scheduled so that
(01:50):
there's some turnaround time.
In the past, oftentimes whatI'd do is I'd record a podcast,
I would hit stop on therecording and I would post it
raw.
I'd do some cuts and whatever,but by and large I would just
post kind of the raw edit andthat was that.
But now she's taking a littlebit more time and making it
sound a little bit better and soI've done my job to get a month
(02:11):
or so ahead of schedule onrecordings.
It's been nice for me just tonot have like these hard
deadlines.
Like sometimes I knew that Ihad to post my podcast on Monday
and I'd come into the officeearly to record it, or I'd try
to do it on the weekend when Ireally want to save that time
for time with my family andfriends and to not necessarily
(02:32):
be scrambling to get my workdone.
It's felt nice kind of being inthis position.
Today I want to talk about rulesin our marriage, rather rules
that we give to our spouse inour marriage.
It happens in manyrelationships and it doesn't
always create difficulties tohave these types of rules in our
(02:53):
marriage or to share theserules with our spouse.
But when these types ofsituations do create
difficulties, I want to sharewith you a little tool that can
help you through it.
I wonder if you've ever saidsomething like this to your
spouse If you just could give memore compliments, I feel like I
would feel so much better.
(03:13):
Or maybe you say something likeall you need to do is just help
around the house, and then Iwould be happy.
Or you know what, if you justwould be less grumpy, then I
would want to be around you.
These are what I call rules.
We're establishing rules that wewant our spouse to abide by so
that we feel, or are able tobelieve, something within our
(03:36):
relationship.
Oftentimes it's like we feellike they care about us, we feel
like they love us, we feel likethey want to be around us.
We're trying to establish abelief, so we're establishing a
rule that we believe is going tohelp us experience that belief.
The problem with this is thatwith these rules, oftentimes we
(03:56):
can experience confusion in ourrelationship.
It can leave our spouse feelinglike they aren't understood or
their perspective isn't seen,and it can put a pressure on
them to keep you happy.
So often when the pressurebecomes intense, the natural
kind of human tendency is to tryto figure out how to get out of
(04:17):
that pressure.
And many times what I see inthe relationships that I work
with is that the strategy thatthe person uses to release the
pressure that they'reexperiencing within their
relationship is to not care tokind of numb out the sense that
their spouse is unhappy withthem.
This isn't what we want to do.
We don't want to create apathywithin our relationship.
(04:41):
Oftentimes with that apathycomes volatility, because the
other person's trying tounderstand if that person has
any feelings towards them.
So they'll agitate therelationship, which causes more
confusion, and you can see howthis goes, and probably many of
you guys are experiencingsomething like this.
Many people ask me well, whatcan I do to improve my
(05:02):
relationship if we're in thissituation?
Because I want to have a goodrelationship with my spouse and
I feel like I'm being very clearwith them on what I need and
what I want, and all that makessense.
But what I tell these people isthat we really have to start by
understanding ourself.
And this is kind of a shift,because so many people are
focused on their spouse, tryingto figure out why their spouse
(05:24):
is upset, trying to figure outwhy their spouse isn't
responding in the way thatthey'd hoped they would.
Trying to figure out what'swrong with their spouse, right,
and then we even get confusedwithin ourselves.
So we're trying to figure outwhat's wrong with ourselves and
we feel like these big emotionsabout ourselves.
What we can do is just slowdown, take a breath and take out
a piece of paper and just startto write down why you want to
(05:47):
establish these rules.
Try to understand, like, what'sunderneath these rules.
What are these rules going tohelp you feel and believe?
Oftentimes, when we go throughthis process, we can establish
new language, a new perspectiveand we can come up with a new
(06:07):
way of helping our spouse seewhat's happening for us.
And once we go through thisprocess, what can happen is,
rather than saying, if you justwould compliment me more, you
would become more aware tocommunicate something that
sounds like this Sometimes Iworry that you don't notice my
(06:30):
effort and I even feel sometimeslike I'm not doing enough for
you and I worry that if I don'tdo enough and I can't do it
right for you, then you maynever see me as the guy that I
want you to see me as.
When you've complimented me inthe past, I've really felt
reassured and I like when you dothat and I just want you to
know that I love you and I wantto be your man.
(06:52):
Okay, so obviously there's alot more communicated there and
it may seem simpler just to saygive me more compliments.
But when we say give me morecompliments, oftentimes the
other person really feels likethey're doing something wrong
and they get lost, kind of, intheir own insecurities.
And what we're doing right nowis we're trying to figure out
why we want this compliment, whythat compliment is so important
(07:13):
for us, and what we'll findunderneath it so often are these
kinds of worries, these kindsof insecurities, these kinds of
fears that are underlying this,and we can just communicate that
right.
So instead of saying if youjust would compliment me more
again, I'll say it in a moreclear way, which is sometimes I
worry that you don't notice myefforts and even feel like
(07:34):
sometimes I'm not doing enoughfor you.
I worry that if I don't doenough and I can't do it right
for you, you may never see me asthe guy that I want you to see
me as.
And just to let you know, whenyou've complimented me in the
past, it's felt so good, I feltreally reassured and I like when
you do that and I just want youto know that I love you and I
want to be your man.
(07:55):
Okay, this can really come whenwe slow down and notice what's
happening within us and thepeople that I've worked with
when I've really really dug inand figured out why it's so
important that they establishthese kinds of rules in their
relationships.
It's always come from somethinglike this that there's a deeper
, more emotional longing that'sin play here.
(08:17):
You can do this process with anyof those rules that we talked
about before, that often we tryto communicate to our spouse and
you can find the why of why youwant to communicate that and
you can put it into language andshare it with them.
And if you notice, in theexample that I just gave, where
I shared the why rather than therule, there's no request,
(08:42):
there's not a rule that'sactually placed there.
It's just a simplecommunication of what is really
happening within me.
Now, because that is happeninginside.
It seems really simple just totell my wife to compliment me
more and it'll all be dandy.
But so often if I say all youhave to do is just compliment me
(09:03):
more, it's coming from a placeof frustration, it's coming from
a place of anger, and my wifeso often gets lost in her own
experience and maybe she feelslike she can't keep me happy or
I'm not happy with her andthat's scary for her.
So we want to do our part totry to prevent that.
You'll notice that when I saysomething like hey, all you want
to do our part to try toprevent that, you'll notice that
.
You know, when I say somethinglike hey, all you need to do is
(09:23):
just give me more compliments.
More often than not, when I hearpeople communicating rules, it
comes from like frustration,anger, resentment, defensiveness
, things like that, and whatyou'll notice is when we can
communicate those morevulnerable emotions, our tone's
going to change.
Oftentimes, my clients that Iwork with, when they really
communicate what's happeninginside, they're moved to tears,
(09:45):
they're more vulnerable, they'remore emotional, they're more
raw, and it's so powerful to beable to do this within our
relationships.
So, by really slowing down andunderstanding what's happening
within you, then you cancommunicate what's happening
within you to others, namelyyour spouse.
You can communicate what'shappening within you to others,
namely your spouse, and you canreally help them understand
what's happening within you.
(10:05):
But you first need to knowwhat's happening within you to
be able to communicate that.
What happens?
When we're able to communicatewhat's happening within us, our
spouse is more easily able tounderstand us, and what happens
is when we truly understand eachother.
I believe we naturally havelove and compassion for each
other, and if you find yourselfin this kind of a situation
(10:28):
where you're struggling with allthese rules in your
relationship and oftentimes itfeels like rules beget rules and
couples are just stacking ruleson top of each other for each
other, and that's not a fun.
Couples are just stacking ruleson top of each other for each
other, and that's not a funrelationship to be in.
And so if you find yourself inthat type of a position or
(10:49):
you're experiencing anychallenge in your marriage, I
would love to coach you.
I can teach you the essentialtools that you need in your
marriage and help you apply themto your unique situation so
that you can have clarity andremain curious enough so that
you can understand what'shappening in your spouse.
And what happens is.
(11:09):
That allows us to see the lovethat is in the relationship.
It allows us to develop lovewithin a relationship.
It allows us to feel more close, more connected, have higher
levels of emotional intimacy,have higher levels of sexual
intimacy, and these things aresuch amazing gifts that we can
work towards and we can discoverin our relationships.
(11:31):
Obviously, it's not alwayspossible for everybody, but I
really believe that there's somany situations that are lost in
confusion and they have thesegifts within their relationship,
but they just don't have thetools to figure out how to
uncover them.
And that's what I do.
The work that I do ties nicelyour emotions to logic, so it
(11:52):
works for those that feel deeplyas well as those who think
deeply.
I can't wait to meet you andshow you how you can be the
change that you need in yourmarriage.
Have a great week, everyone.
Bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
(12:15):
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
Thank you.
Episode number 83, rules for your Spouse.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:22):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Hey everybody, welcome back tothe podcast.
I feel like I'm finally comingtoward the end of what has been
an especially busy stretch forme.
Tomorrow my wife and I, alongwith all of our kids, are going
(00:46):
to board a plane and head downto Florida, hopefully in the sun
, down in the Destin area, andthen after that I have just a
quick little trip scheduled toUtah, maybe two weeks after we
get back, and then I'm reallyhoping that travel slows down
for a bit and I can focus onsome things just here within the
business and around home.
(01:07):
Likely by the time that youlisten to this podcast, both of
those trips will have come andgone, because I've been working
really hard to try to get aheadon my podcasting and recordings.
I'm sure you can tell that mysister Janae she's kind of the
behind the scenes girl, the girlthat makes a lot of my content
(01:27):
happen she's been editing andposting my podcasts.
So what I'm doing is.
I'm recording them, I'm sendingthem over to her, she's editing
them and posting them for meand it's been a huge help during
this especially busy time.
But because of that I've had toget ahead of schedule, I guess,
or maybe catch up to where Ishould be scheduled so that
(01:50):
there's some turnaround time.
In the past, oftentimes whatI'd do is I'd record a podcast,
I would hit stop on therecording and I would post it
raw.
I'd do some cuts and whatever,but by and large I would just
post kind of the raw edit andthat was that.
But now she's taking a littlebit more time and making it
sound a little bit better and soI've done my job to get a month
(02:11):
or so ahead of schedule onrecordings.
It's been nice for me just tonot have like these hard
deadlines.
Like sometimes I knew that Ihad to post my podcast on Monday
and I'd come into the officeearly to record it, or I'd try
to do it on the weekend when Ireally want to save that time
for time with my family andfriends and to not necessarily
(02:32):
be scrambling to get my workdone.
It's felt nice kind of being inthis position.
Today I want to talk about rulesin our marriage, rather rules
that we give to our spouse inour marriage.
It happens in manyrelationships and it doesn't
always create difficulties tohave these types of rules in our
(02:53):
marriage or to share theserules with our spouse.
But when these types ofsituations do create
difficulties, I want to sharewith you a little tool that can
help you through it.
I wonder if you've ever saidsomething like this to your
spouse If you just could give memore compliments, I feel like I
would feel so much better.
(03:13):
Or maybe you say something likeall you need to do is just help
around the house, and then Iwould be happy.
Or you know what, if you justwould be less grumpy, then I
would want to be around you.
These are what I call rules.
We're establishing rules that wewant our spouse to abide by so
that we feel, or are able tobelieve, something within our
(03:36):
relationship.
Oftentimes it's like we feellike they care about us, we feel
like they love us, we feel likethey want to be around us.
We're trying to establish abelief, so we're establishing a
rule that we believe is going tohelp us experience that belief.
The problem with this is thatwith these rules, oftentimes we
(03:56):
can experience confusion in ourrelationship.
It can leave our spouse feelinglike they aren't understood or
their perspective isn't seen,and it can put a pressure on
them to keep you happy.
So often when the pressurebecomes intense, the natural
kind of human tendency is to tryto figure out how to get out of
(04:17):
that pressure.
And many times what I see inthe relationships that I work
with is that the strategy thatthe person uses to release the
pressure that they'reexperiencing within their
relationship is to not care tokind of numb out the sense that
their spouse is unhappy withthem.
This isn't what we want to do.
We don't want to create apathywithin our relationship.
(04:41):
Oftentimes with that apathycomes volatility, because the
other person's trying tounderstand if that person has
any feelings towards them.
So they'll agitate therelationship, which causes more
confusion, and you can see howthis goes, and probably many of
you guys are experiencingsomething like this.
Many people ask me well, whatcan I do to improve my
(05:02):
relationship if we're in thissituation?
Because I want to have a goodrelationship with my spouse and
I feel like I'm being very clearwith them on what I need and
what I want, and all that makessense.
But what I tell these people isthat we really have to start by
understanding ourself.
And this is kind of a shift,because so many people are
focused on their spouse, tryingto figure out why their spouse
(05:24):
is upset, trying to figure outwhy their spouse isn't
responding in the way thatthey'd hoped they would.
Trying to figure out what'swrong with their spouse, right,
and then we even get confusedwithin ourselves.
So we're trying to figure outwhat's wrong with ourselves and
we feel like these big emotionsabout ourselves.
What we can do is just slowdown, take a breath and take out
a piece of paper and just startto write down why you want to
(05:47):
establish these rules.
Try to understand, like, what'sunderneath these rules.
What are these rules going tohelp you feel and believe?
Oftentimes, when we go throughthis process, we can establish
new language, a new perspectiveand we can come up with a new
(06:07):
way of helping our spouse seewhat's happening for us.
And once we go through thisprocess, what can happen is,
rather than saying, if you justwould compliment me more, you
would become more aware tocommunicate something that
sounds like this Sometimes Iworry that you don't notice my
(06:30):
effort and I even feel sometimeslike I'm not doing enough for
you and I worry that if I don'tdo enough and I can't do it
right for you, then you maynever see me as the guy that I
want you to see me as.
When you've complimented me inthe past, I've really felt
reassured and I like when you dothat and I just want you to
know that I love you and I wantto be your man.
(06:52):
Okay, so obviously there's alot more communicated there and
it may seem simpler just to saygive me more compliments.
But when we say give me morecompliments, oftentimes the
other person really feels likethey're doing something wrong
and they get lost, kind of, intheir own insecurities.
And what we're doing right nowis we're trying to figure out
why we want this compliment, whythat compliment is so important
(07:13):
for us, and what we'll findunderneath it so often are these
kinds of worries, these kindsof insecurities, these kinds of
fears that are underlying this,and we can just communicate that
right.
So instead of saying if youjust would compliment me more
again, I'll say it in a moreclear way, which is sometimes I
worry that you don't notice myefforts and even feel like
(07:34):
sometimes I'm not doing enoughfor you.
I worry that if I don't doenough and I can't do it right
for you, you may never see me asthe guy that I want you to see
me as.
And just to let you know, whenyou've complimented me in the
past, it's felt so good, I feltreally reassured and I like when
you do that and I just want youto know that I love you and I
want to be your man.
(07:55):
Okay, this can really come whenwe slow down and notice what's
happening within us and thepeople that I've worked with
when I've really really dug inand figured out why it's so
important that they establishthese kinds of rules in their
relationships.
It's always come from somethinglike this that there's a deeper
, more emotional longing that'sin play here.
(08:17):
You can do this process with anyof those rules that we talked
about before, that often we tryto communicate to our spouse and
you can find the why of why youwant to communicate that and
you can put it into language andshare it with them.
And if you notice, in theexample that I just gave, where
I shared the why rather than therule, there's no request,
(08:42):
there's not a rule that'sactually placed there.
It's just a simplecommunication of what is really
happening within me.
Now, because that is happeninginside.
It seems really simple just totell my wife to compliment me
more and it'll all be dandy.
But so often if I say all youhave to do is just compliment me
(09:03):
more, it's coming from a placeof frustration, it's coming from
a place of anger, and my wifeso often gets lost in her own
experience and maybe she feelslike she can't keep me happy or
I'm not happy with her andthat's scary for her.
So we want to do our part totry to prevent that.
You'll notice that when I saysomething like hey, all you want
to do our part to try toprevent that, you'll notice that
.
You know, when I say somethinglike hey, all you need to do is
(09:23):
just give me more compliments.
More often than not, when I hearpeople communicating rules, it
comes from like frustration,anger, resentment, defensiveness
, things like that, and whatyou'll notice is when we can
communicate those morevulnerable emotions, our tone's
going to change.
Oftentimes, my clients that Iwork with, when they really
communicate what's happeninginside, they're moved to tears,
(09:45):
they're more vulnerable, they'remore emotional, they're more
raw, and it's so powerful to beable to do this within our
relationships.
So, by really slowing down andunderstanding what's happening
within you, then you cancommunicate what's happening
within you to others, namelyyour spouse.
You can communicate what'shappening within you to others,
namely your spouse, and you canreally help them understand
what's happening within you.
(10:05):
But you first need to knowwhat's happening within you to
be able to communicate that.
What happens?
When we're able to communicatewhat's happening within us, our
spouse is more easily able tounderstand us, and what happens
is when we truly understand eachother.
I believe we naturally havelove and compassion for each
other, and if you find yourselfin this kind of a situation
(10:28):
where you're struggling with allthese rules in your
relationship and oftentimes itfeels like rules beget rules and
couples are just stacking ruleson top of each other for each
other, and that's not a fun.
Couples are just stacking ruleson top of each other for each
other, and that's not a funrelationship to be in.
And so if you find yourself inthat type of a position or
(10:49):
you're experiencing anychallenge in your marriage, I
would love to coach you.
I can teach you the essentialtools that you need in your
marriage and help you apply themto your unique situation so
that you can have clarity andremain curious enough so that
you can understand what'shappening in your spouse.
And what happens is.
(11:09):
That allows us to see the lovethat is in the relationship.
It allows us to develop lovewithin a relationship.
It allows us to feel more close, more connected, have higher
levels of emotional intimacy,have higher levels of sexual
intimacy, and these things aresuch amazing gifts that we can
work towards and we can discoverin our relationships.
(11:31):
Obviously, it's not alwayspossible for everybody, but I
really believe that there's somany situations that are lost in
confusion and they have thesegifts within their relationship,
but they just don't have thetools to figure out how to
uncover them.
And that's what I do.
The work that I do ties nicelyour emotions to logic, so it
(11:52):
works for those that feel deeplyas well as those who think
deeply.
I can't wait to meet you andshow you how you can be the
change that you need in yourmarriage.
Have a great week, everyone.
Bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
(12:15):
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
Thank you.
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