May 13, 2024 • 12 mins
Have you ever found yourself searching for a place to belong, a tribe to call your own? Today's story takes you on a heartfelt journey of a young boy, illustrating a life lesson about the transformative power of being someone else's cheerleader. As I recount his quest for connection, I share how his pursuit of personal fanfare shifted to a discovery that true belonging comes from supporting those around us. This narrative opens our eyes to the impact of investing in relationships and the warmth of community that springs from genuine acts of care.
This episode promises to inspire you to cultivate deep, enduring friendships by becoming an integral part of others' support systems. We'll navigate the beauty of human connection, emphasizing the significance of being present and the satisfaction derived from making others feel valued. The conversation is sure to leave you reflecting on your relationships and the ways you can deepen them through consistent, supportive actions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Episode number 85, wanting tips and inspiration
that will move you toward theconnection that you want in your
relationship.
So I tell this story to a lotof my clients and maybe I've
shared a portion of the story onthis podcast before.
(00:38):
But it's really a story about alittle boy and this little boy
kind of observed the peoplearound him, him and he noticed
how there was, like someindividuals that seemed to have
an audience.
They seemed to have people whowanted to be with them, kind of
like a fan club, and he wantedso much to have that type of an
(00:59):
experience that people wouldwant to be around him, people
would kind of be a fan of him.
So one day, rather than joiningone of these groups of people
who were kind of surrounding anindividual, he thought maybe he
would just step back and hewould see who would congregate
around him, who would be his fanclub.
(01:21):
He went to figure that out andkind of stepped back and changed
his ways.
Rather than joining these othergroups, he just stayed back and
separated himself.
He waited and he looked andwhat he found was that there was
not a fan club to be had.
So what he did is he went outand he began to try to recruit a
(01:42):
fan club.
He started telling people comebe my fan, come surround me,
show up and be my friend.
That wasn't really working.
So then what he did is he beganto try to force people to be
his friend.
Right?
He said if you're not my friend, I'm going to punch you in the
face.
If you don't come and be my fanclub, I'm going to beat you up.
And guess what?
People still didn't show up,and so eventually he began to
(02:06):
just push people away and try toshow them how much they were
hurting him by really justclosing off and resenting them.
And unfortunately that stilldidn't create any sort of fan
base that he was looking for,that he was deeply wanting.
He got to a point where he'slike you know, this isn't really
working out for me, it's not awhole lot of fun and he decided
(02:29):
one day that he is going to bethe biggest fan in other
people's fan club.
So he went about the work toreally do that.
He showed up in these groupsand in these spaces where people
were congregating and he wassuper interested.
He was that individual'scongregating and he was super
interested.
He was that individual'sbiggest fan wherever he was and
he found that and that feltbetter than being alone and
(02:53):
trying to get other people to behis fan.
What happened to this young boyis, after years and years of
showing up in other people's fanclub, in other people's
bleachers, in other people'sspace, as their friend, he woke
up and he looked around and hewas surrounded by so many
(03:15):
friends.
And I think it's fair to saythat we all want friends.
We all want some sort of a fanclub, you know, a safe group of
people that we feel like, reallysupport us, have our back, that
we're safe with that care aboutus.
And I think we all every one ofus hope for a world where
(03:39):
there's space and grace for us,that we wouldn't have to be
perfect to be cared for andaccepted and wanted to have
those kinds of people around usthat they love us, they care
about us and they want to bewith us.
Yet running around and tellingeverybody that they need to be
our friend, it really justdoesn't get us there.
(04:00):
Telling our spouse that theyhave to love us, it just seems
to fall short too.
Would it be amazing and greatif these people would just
naturally, intrinsically, loveus?
Yes, but the problem that werun into is that those people,
just like you, are human andjust like you, are wanting.
(04:22):
So are they?
What do we do when we arewanting something so deeply,
wanting to have a friend thatjust asks us about our day, a
spouse who maybe is willing tosacrifice their time and energy
for us?
Maybe you want and you feellike it'd be just so nice if
(04:43):
someone, really anyone, wouldjust reach out to you and it
feels like if these kinds ofthings could happen, it would
just help us to believe, in justa small way, but a big way too,
that we matter and that we areimportant.
When we ask this question ofwhat do we do when we want these
things and when we're lookingfor these things, the answer is
(05:07):
pretty simple and it's this thatwe believe that we matter.
When you just naturally believethat you matter, intrinsically
believe that you matter, thenwhat you can do is you can go
out and find the people who arejust like you and help them
believe that they matter.
So many times we are looking tosee and to understand if we are
(05:30):
loved, that we forget to letthose around us know that we
love them, and when we take onthat kind of a role.
We matter.
We matter to other people whenwe let them know that they
matter to us.
It's amazing just how thatequation works out.
It's just kind of one of thosethings that it doesn't really
(05:50):
make sense, but if we put in,it's amazing what we get out.
It's just kind of the way thatrelationships in the world are
designed, I believe.
So what you can do is you cantake your experience that you
have, whatever it is thisfeeling of loneliness, this
feeling of not mattering, thistrial or struggle that you are
(06:12):
going through and you're lookingfor some recognition, some
support, some reassurance aroundit.
Use that experience to be ableto identify those people around
you who are going through thesame thing.
That's really where you canaffect so many people is when
you can see that, oh, they'regoing through what I'm going
through and you can reach out tothem.
(06:33):
Don't look for reassurance fromthem.
Just simply andunapologetically, show your care
.
It's such an amazing, powerfulthing that you have access to.
It's your care for other people.
I think of a time when I wasreading a story that one of my
friends had written and isactually in the process of
(06:54):
putting together, and as I wasreading this story it was
actually a story about a littleboy, funny enough, and his years
of growing up I had some tearskind of leaking out of my eyes.
It was a touching story and mylittle one and a half year old
at the time he noticed this andcrawled up into my lap and he
looked at me with concern.
He was trying to figure outwhat was going on with dad.
(07:16):
He didn't use any words, hedidn't really do anything but
kind of look at me.
But then he leaned in and hegave me like this soggy, open
mouthed, what I would describeas like a kiss, just kind of
right on the middle of my face.
You know I had to wipe off allthe slobber and everything, but
it was just amazing how hedidn't ever like assume that I
(07:37):
didn't want him.
He just came towards me andshowed me his care and it felt
so good at that time.
And while I don't suggest thatyou go and give people open
mouth, slobbery kisses unlessyou're a year and a half year
old, I do suggest that you findways that feel really caring for
you and you go and do thosethings.
(08:00):
There's a story about a manthat has resonated with me in
the Bible.
His name is Job and he wasgoing through some really heavy
trials, some really heavystruggles and difficulties, and
he had these three friends whocame to him and they didn't have
wise words, they didn't haveall kinds of gifts or any sort
of like support or help outsideof the fact that they just sat
(08:23):
with him for three days insilence.
And so if you worry that maybeyou don't have ways of showing
care that mean anything, thinkof that story, because I think
that we have so much power thatwe can access within our own
care and if we're willing toshare that and give that and use
(08:44):
that in the world, I think wecan impact and affect so many
other things and, by default, wematter when we do that.
We matter to other people whenwe care about them.
It's just how it works.
Maybe you're like me and youhave these feelings of, yeah,
that would be really nice tohave friends like that, and
maybe you can see how you dohave friends like that, like I
can.
I want you to not get lostthere yet, to figure out how to
(09:08):
be one of those three friends,one of those three friends that
can see someone in pain and cango and care for them and, by
default, matter.
You matter when you care aboutother people.
It's so true.
If you find that there arebarriers and resistance to doing
this, to reaching out andgiving your care to other people
(09:29):
, it's time that you kind ofslow down and you find
professional support that lowersthese barriers and allows for
you to kind of work throughwhatever it might be Something
that is preventing you fromgoing out, and find professional
support that lowers thesebarriers and allows for you to
kind of work through whatever itmight be Something that is
preventing you from going outand giving your care to other
people.
A coach would be a great placeto turn a therapist, someone
that can give you tools andsupport so that you can begin to
(09:51):
take these kinds of emotionalrisks, relational risks.
When we can take these kinds ofemotional risks and relational
risks, we can give that gift andthat thing that's within us
that care for other people, andwe can communicate it clearly
and we can show it clearly andwe can matter to so many people.
When you are able to do this,you're able to show up and care
(10:14):
about other people in ways thatare caring for you notice how
your feelings change.
It can have such a big impacton us.
There's a lot of data that showslike one of the best ways to
cure depression or to reduce thesymptoms of depression is to
have that person who'sexperiencing those symptoms
volunteer.
Why is that?
(10:34):
Because they're going out andthey are serving other people,
and when you do that, you matter, you matter, you matter, and
one of the reasons why peopleexperience depression is because
of their feelings ofworthlessness.
Right, so it combats thosefeelings, and that equation of
giving and getting is one that Idon't fully understand, but
this is one of the ways that itworks is that when we give, we
(11:04):
get a sense of worthiness, andit's an amazing thing to
experience.
So those feelings will changewhen we can do those things and
who knows, maybe someday, yearsdown the road, as you practice
this and you do this and youshow up in other people's lives
and you're their biggestcheerleader.
You show up in other people'slives and you're their biggest
cheerleader.
My hope and prayer is that youwould look around and see that
you, my friend, are surroundedby so many friends who you
(11:26):
matter to.
That's what I got for this week.
Take care everybody.
Go out and be a friend, bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
(11:50):
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
Episode number 85, wanting tips and inspiration
that will move you toward theconnection that you want in your
relationship.
So I tell this story to a lotof my clients and maybe I've
shared a portion of the story onthis podcast before.
(00:38):
But it's really a story about alittle boy and this little boy
kind of observed the peoplearound him, him and he noticed
how there was, like someindividuals that seemed to have
an audience.
They seemed to have people whowanted to be with them, kind of
like a fan club, and he wantedso much to have that type of an
(00:59):
experience that people wouldwant to be around him, people
would kind of be a fan of him.
So one day, rather than joiningone of these groups of people
who were kind of surrounding anindividual, he thought maybe he
would just step back and hewould see who would congregate
around him, who would be his fanclub.
(01:21):
He went to figure that out andkind of stepped back and changed
his ways.
Rather than joining these othergroups, he just stayed back and
separated himself.
He waited and he looked andwhat he found was that there was
not a fan club to be had.
So what he did is he went outand he began to try to recruit a
(01:42):
fan club.
He started telling people comebe my fan, come surround me,
show up and be my friend.
That wasn't really working.
So then what he did is he beganto try to force people to be
his friend.
Right?
He said if you're not my friend, I'm going to punch you in the
face.
If you don't come and be my fanclub, I'm going to beat you up.
And guess what?
People still didn't show up,and so eventually he began to
(02:06):
just push people away and try toshow them how much they were
hurting him by really justclosing off and resenting them.
And unfortunately that stilldidn't create any sort of fan
base that he was looking for,that he was deeply wanting.
He got to a point where he'slike you know, this isn't really
working out for me, it's not awhole lot of fun and he decided
(02:29):
one day that he is going to bethe biggest fan in other
people's fan club.
So he went about the work toreally do that.
He showed up in these groupsand in these spaces where people
were congregating and he wassuper interested.
He was that individual'scongregating and he was super
interested.
He was that individual'sbiggest fan wherever he was and
he found that and that feltbetter than being alone and
(02:53):
trying to get other people to behis fan.
What happened to this young boyis, after years and years of
showing up in other people's fanclub, in other people's
bleachers, in other people'sspace, as their friend, he woke
up and he looked around and hewas surrounded by so many
(03:15):
friends.
And I think it's fair to saythat we all want friends.
We all want some sort of a fanclub, you know, a safe group of
people that we feel like, reallysupport us, have our back, that
we're safe with that care aboutus.
And I think we all every one ofus hope for a world where
(03:39):
there's space and grace for us,that we wouldn't have to be
perfect to be cared for andaccepted and wanted to have
those kinds of people around usthat they love us, they care
about us and they want to bewith us.
Yet running around and tellingeverybody that they need to be
our friend, it really justdoesn't get us there.
(04:00):
Telling our spouse that theyhave to love us, it just seems
to fall short too.
Would it be amazing and greatif these people would just
naturally, intrinsically, loveus?
Yes, but the problem that werun into is that those people,
just like you, are human andjust like you, are wanting.
(04:22):
So are they?
What do we do when we arewanting something so deeply,
wanting to have a friend thatjust asks us about our day, a
spouse who maybe is willing tosacrifice their time and energy
for us?
Maybe you want and you feellike it'd be just so nice if
(04:43):
someone, really anyone, wouldjust reach out to you and it
feels like if these kinds ofthings could happen, it would
just help us to believe, in justa small way, but a big way too,
that we matter and that we areimportant.
When we ask this question ofwhat do we do when we want these
things and when we're lookingfor these things, the answer is
(05:07):
pretty simple and it's this thatwe believe that we matter.
When you just naturally believethat you matter, intrinsically
believe that you matter, thenwhat you can do is you can go
out and find the people who arejust like you and help them
believe that they matter.
So many times we are looking tosee and to understand if we are
(05:30):
loved, that we forget to letthose around us know that we
love them, and when we take onthat kind of a role.
We matter.
We matter to other people whenwe let them know that they
matter to us.
It's amazing just how thatequation works out.
It's just kind of one of thosethings that it doesn't really
(05:50):
make sense, but if we put in,it's amazing what we get out.
It's just kind of the way thatrelationships in the world are
designed, I believe.
So what you can do is you cantake your experience that you
have, whatever it is thisfeeling of loneliness, this
feeling of not mattering, thistrial or struggle that you are
(06:12):
going through and you're lookingfor some recognition, some
support, some reassurance aroundit.
Use that experience to be ableto identify those people around
you who are going through thesame thing.
That's really where you canaffect so many people is when
you can see that, oh, they'regoing through what I'm going
through and you can reach out tothem.
(06:33):
Don't look for reassurance fromthem.
Just simply andunapologetically, show your care
.
It's such an amazing, powerfulthing that you have access to.
It's your care for other people.
I think of a time when I wasreading a story that one of my
friends had written and isactually in the process of
(06:54):
putting together, and as I wasreading this story it was
actually a story about a littleboy, funny enough, and his years
of growing up I had some tearskind of leaking out of my eyes.
It was a touching story and mylittle one and a half year old
at the time he noticed this andcrawled up into my lap and he
looked at me with concern.
He was trying to figure outwhat was going on with dad.
(07:16):
He didn't use any words, hedidn't really do anything but
kind of look at me.
But then he leaned in and hegave me like this soggy, open
mouthed, what I would describeas like a kiss, just kind of
right on the middle of my face.
You know I had to wipe off allthe slobber and everything, but
it was just amazing how hedidn't ever like assume that I
(07:37):
didn't want him.
He just came towards me andshowed me his care and it felt
so good at that time.
And while I don't suggest thatyou go and give people open
mouth, slobbery kisses unlessyou're a year and a half year
old, I do suggest that you findways that feel really caring for
you and you go and do thosethings.
(08:00):
There's a story about a manthat has resonated with me in
the Bible.
His name is Job and he wasgoing through some really heavy
trials, some really heavystruggles and difficulties, and
he had these three friends whocame to him and they didn't have
wise words, they didn't haveall kinds of gifts or any sort
of like support or help outsideof the fact that they just sat
(08:23):
with him for three days insilence.
And so if you worry that maybeyou don't have ways of showing
care that mean anything, thinkof that story, because I think
that we have so much power thatwe can access within our own
care and if we're willing toshare that and give that and use
(08:44):
that in the world, I think wecan impact and affect so many
other things and, by default, wematter when we do that.
We matter to other people whenwe care about them.
It's just how it works.
Maybe you're like me and youhave these feelings of, yeah,
that would be really nice tohave friends like that, and
maybe you can see how you dohave friends like that, like I
can.
I want you to not get lostthere yet, to figure out how to
(09:08):
be one of those three friends,one of those three friends that
can see someone in pain and cango and care for them and, by
default, matter.
You matter when you care aboutother people.
It's so true.
If you find that there arebarriers and resistance to doing
this, to reaching out andgiving your care to other people
(09:29):
, it's time that you kind ofslow down and you find
professional support that lowersthese barriers and allows for
you to kind of work throughwhatever it might be Something
that is preventing you fromgoing out, and find professional
support that lowers thesebarriers and allows for you to
kind of work through whatever itmight be Something that is
preventing you from going outand giving your care to other
people.
A coach would be a great placeto turn a therapist, someone
that can give you tools andsupport so that you can begin to
(09:51):
take these kinds of emotionalrisks, relational risks.
When we can take these kinds ofemotional risks and relational
risks, we can give that gift andthat thing that's within us
that care for other people, andwe can communicate it clearly
and we can show it clearly andwe can matter to so many people.
When you are able to do this,you're able to show up and care
(10:14):
about other people in ways thatare caring for you notice how
your feelings change.
It can have such a big impacton us.
There's a lot of data that showslike one of the best ways to
cure depression or to reduce thesymptoms of depression is to
have that person who'sexperiencing those symptoms
volunteer.
Why is that?
(10:34):
Because they're going out andthey are serving other people,
and when you do that, you matter, you matter, you matter, and
one of the reasons why peopleexperience depression is because
of their feelings ofworthlessness.
Right, so it combats thosefeelings, and that equation of
giving and getting is one that Idon't fully understand, but
this is one of the ways that itworks is that when we give, we
(11:04):
get a sense of worthiness, andit's an amazing thing to
experience.
So those feelings will changewhen we can do those things and
who knows, maybe someday, yearsdown the road, as you practice
this and you do this and youshow up in other people's lives
and you're their biggestcheerleader.
You show up in other people'slives and you're their biggest
cheerleader.
My hope and prayer is that youwould look around and see that
you, my friend, are surroundedby so many friends who you
(11:26):
matter to.
That's what I got for this week.
Take care everybody.
Go out and be a friend, bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
(11:50):
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
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