May 6, 2024 • 12 mins
Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of an outburst, only to realize that you are, in fact, the master of your reactions? I, Brett Nikula, stumbled into such a revelation while grappling with a stubborn kitchen light – a humbling reminder that within the chaos of a frustrating moment, we choose how we respond. This episode is a heartfelt nod to you, the listener, celebrating the personal growth we've achieved and the deeper understanding we've cultivated about the choices that shape our relationships.
Drawing from the wells of self-compassion and clarity, I delve into the transformative power of owning up to our behaviors in our closest relationships. By embracing the struggles within us, we unlock a newfound empathy for others and refine the way we communicate love and frustration alike. As we unpack the choice between personal responsibility or finger-pointing, I extend an invitation to visit the Connected Couples Campus for additional tools to support your journey. Tune in, and let's continue to be the pioneers of change in how we foster connection and intimacy with those who matter most.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Episode 84, your Spouse Can't Make you.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:21):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Inspiration that will move youtoward the connection that you
want in your relationship.
Hey everybody, I hope you arehaving an amazing day.
Before I get into today's topic,I just wanted to let you all
know how much I appreciate eachof you.
(00:42):
I'm now 84 episodes in andthere's a whole bunch of you
who've been, it seems like, withme since the beginning.
Again, I can't really see oreven understand who all listens
to this, but I can just see howmany downloads happen every week
and I can see how quickly someof you guys download each
(01:03):
episode, and I know that thereare people out there who are
listening for one reason oranother.
I don't always know what thosereasons are, but I really take
some time to consider how tobest serve each of you, and yet
it's been such a learningjourney for me.
Like any skill, some of us aremaybe more natural than others
(01:26):
and others of us take more timeto develop.
I can tell you that for me itreally feels like this hasn't
come naturally to me, nor has itfelt like I've developed
quickly, but you all have beenso gracious with each episode
that I've produced it's reallygiven me space to try to develop
(01:49):
, to grow.
So I just want to say thank you.
Next, I have to tell you aboutthis moment that happened a
while back Now.
I wish I could say it was likeyears ago when I was, you know,
a child, but it's just in my alltoo recent past.
On that note, I think it's soimportant to highlight that
(02:11):
perfection really isn't the goalin anything that I talk about
here on this podcast.
I really believe that we're allhumans.
I often joke with my clientsthat I'm going to hand them a
really heavy diagnosis, and thediagnosis I'm going to give them
is that they are human, meaningwe're imperfect.
All we simply can do is justrecognize where maybe our skills
(02:35):
aren't as developed as we'dlike them to be.
We can hone and craft thoseskills so that we're better at
them and they serve us andothers because of those skill
sets.
And something that I think isso important, especially in
terms of relationships, is thatwhen our imperfection does
affect our relationships affectother humans that we learn how
(02:59):
to repair.
Repair is so important.
The more I've looked atattachment theory, the more I've
recognized how important repairis.
Far more than perfection isimportant.
I just think that it'ssomething that we can definitely
point towards, we can strivetowards.
None of us will ever make it,and so it's so important that we
(03:22):
learn how to repair and we getreally good at repairing when
hurt happens in ourrelationships and within others
because of our imperfection.
Anyways, this event that tookplace in my all too recent
history it must have been on aSaturday because I was getting
some house projects done, thosekind of house projects that pop
(03:45):
up during the week and end up ona checklist somewhere and seem
to stack up at least in ourhouse.
One of the items on my listthat day was to replace the
light in our kitchen.
So I get around to that project.
I open up the box, I check outthe new light, hop up on a stool
, then I take down the old light.
People might say that I lookbetter in the dark or that I
(04:09):
have a face for radio, but letme tell you about five minutes
later it wasn't very pretty.
I had gotten fairly worked upand I was frustrated.
I'll spare you the details andI'm not going to paint you too
vivid of a picture.
But after the dust had settled,Kelsey was just kind of
wondering like, and why on earthwas I behaving the way that I
(04:31):
was?
I told her the simple answer itwas because of the light.
The light had made me sofrustrated and I have to tell
you, my friends, that I don'tthink she bought it.
I don't think she thought thatthe light made me do anything
and I think she kind of knewthat that behavior was done all
on my own, without any of thelight's help.
(04:53):
I really know this firsthand,that the light didn't make me
behave the way that I did,because I've watched others
working on similarly frustratingprojects and I'm just amazed at
how, as they're going throughthe project, they just kind of
whistle away and do-do-do youknow kind of work on the project
and it doesn't seem to botherthem at all.
(05:13):
They move from one unexpectedproblem to the next.
They'll even kind of explain tome with a little laugh that you
know you've got to expect oneor two of these types of
problems on any project that youwork on.
It's just so true, and I wouldsay I've even experienced this
in my life and in the work thatI do.
I've seen the same scenarioplay out where a kid will write
(05:36):
their name in marker on a wall,and when I'm like, why did you
do that?
They'll answer a very simpleanswer Because my sibling made
me do it.
There was another child thatmade them write their name in
marker on our wall.
And when a spouse stops talkingand shuts down or gets angry and
frustrated, we ask them why.
(05:58):
The answer invariably comesaround to their spouse made them
behave that way.
The problem here is nobody canmake you.
I promise there's nothing thatanyone can make you do, and if
you're finding that you arebehaving in ways that aren't
helping your relationship andyour brain is telling you it's
(06:19):
because of them.
It's time to begin to recognizethat it's because of you, not
because of your spouse.
And I think a great question toask ourselves here is this what
adjectives do I want to bedescribed with as a spouse?
Are those adjectives thingslike kind, caring, supportive,
(06:42):
mean, cold, apathetic?
There are a wide range ofadjectives that we could use to
describe someone, right?
It's amazing that everyone thatI've ever directly asked that
question to, has responded withadjectives in line with care.
You know.
Rather than being described asmean, cold, apathetic, they want
(07:02):
to be described as kind, caring, supportive.
I'm guessing that that is thecase for you too.
If you find yourself moving awayfrom those adjectives that you
want to be described as, I wouldeven recommend writing them
down somewhere, like how do youwant to show up as a spouse, be
able to look at that and thenrecognize when you're not
(07:24):
showing up that way, you knowwhat's really powerful about
writing them down and looking atthem.
When someone else says, hey,why aren't you kind, we also can
kind of look at those and say,well, that was the way that I
show up kindly, so we can haveour back on that.
And now we can remain curious.
Why didn't they experience itas kindness?
And when we don't have todefend ourselves, we can remain
(07:46):
curious and we can reallyunderstand why they didn't
experience it as kindness.
And who knows, maybe that willshift the way that we show up
around them and sometimes not.
It doesn't mean you have tomove.
If you're showing up in a kindway, you have your back, you can
remain curious.
Sometimes that changes us.
Sometimes we stay showing upthe way that we do.
That being said, your spouse, nomatter what they are doing,
(08:11):
cannot make you call them a name, shut them out, shout at them.
They can't make you stick yourtongue out at them either.
I promise, just like in theexample of me installing that
light, I have to figure out howto approach that project in a
way that gives me more patienceso I can find more patience
(08:34):
within me around that project.
Just as a small example, one ofthe ways that I've learned to
do this is to say the samethings that those guys who are
whistling on that project say tothemselves that you know, you
got to expect one or twounexpected problems on every
project.
As I've really taken on thatthought and gone into those
(08:55):
projects with that type ofbelief, it's really allowed me
to stay much more patient as I'mworking on those, because I
already expected to run intounexpected problems and
expectations are.
So much of this and that'smaybe a whole nother podcast.
But when we find that ourrelationships aren't going well
and I would say that this issomething that I've really found
(09:18):
to be helpful for me that whenI find that my relationship
isn't going well, I always lookfor the pain and I'm almost
always able to find it either inmyself or within the other
person within Kelsey and for me,when I see and I'm able to
recognize pain, I find that itbrings compassion.
(09:40):
And when we really can seesomeone in pain and when I
really see someone in pain, Ifind that it brings compassion.
And when we really can seesomeone in pain and when I
really see someone in pain, itjust naturally creates this
sense of compassion within me.
So those are things that we cando to take back control of
ourselves, right, and we're notgiving away control to our
spouse, allowing them to make usdo something.
We can take that back and Ireally believe it's possible
(10:03):
that our spouse could say I hateyou and we could respond with
it seems like you're hurting andI really want to understand
what's going on, because you'reso important to me, I love you,
I care about you.
Help me understand.
I watch parents do this all thetime with their kids.
I know it's possible.
I watch pet owners do this withtheir dogs.
They'll have their dogs bitethem and they'll be able to see
(10:24):
the pain in the dog far morethan they feel the pain within
themselves.
They'll have their dog bitethem and they'll say, oh, he's a
rescue dog and we're workingwith him.
We're trying to help himrecognize that he's in a safe
home now.
He doesn't need to bite.
So when we see pain, we're ableto feel compassion, and often
within relationships, whathappens is we feel so much pain
(10:45):
within ourselves that we can'tsee the other person's pain.
It's important that werecognize the pain within
ourselves, because then we caneven have compassion within
ourselves.
We can get language and helpexplain and help describe what's
happening within us, and thatallows other people to feel
compassion as well and it justhelps relationships have more
clarity.
(11:05):
So next time your brain tellsyou that your spouse is making
you do something, stop it.
Take responsibility to do thework that you need to do so that
you can be the change that youneed in your relationships.
I'll talk to you all next week.
Bye-bye, this has been theFighting for Connection podcast.
(11:34):
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
Thank you.
Episode 84, your Spouse Can't Make you.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:21):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Inspiration that will move youtoward the connection that you
want in your relationship.
Hey everybody, I hope you arehaving an amazing day.
Before I get into today's topic,I just wanted to let you all
know how much I appreciate eachof you.
(00:42):
I'm now 84 episodes in andthere's a whole bunch of you
who've been, it seems like, withme since the beginning.
Again, I can't really see oreven understand who all listens
to this, but I can just see howmany downloads happen every week
and I can see how quickly someof you guys download each
(01:03):
episode, and I know that thereare people out there who are
listening for one reason oranother.
I don't always know what thosereasons are, but I really take
some time to consider how tobest serve each of you, and yet
it's been such a learningjourney for me.
Like any skill, some of us aremaybe more natural than others
(01:26):
and others of us take more timeto develop.
I can tell you that for me itreally feels like this hasn't
come naturally to me, nor has itfelt like I've developed
quickly, but you all have beenso gracious with each episode
that I've produced it's reallygiven me space to try to develop
(01:49):
, to grow.
So I just want to say thank you.
Next, I have to tell you aboutthis moment that happened a
while back Now.
I wish I could say it was likeyears ago when I was, you know,
a child, but it's just in my alltoo recent past.
On that note, I think it's soimportant to highlight that
(02:11):
perfection really isn't the goalin anything that I talk about
here on this podcast.
I really believe that we're allhumans.
I often joke with my clientsthat I'm going to hand them a
really heavy diagnosis, and thediagnosis I'm going to give them
is that they are human, meaningwe're imperfect.
All we simply can do is justrecognize where maybe our skills
(02:35):
aren't as developed as we'dlike them to be.
We can hone and craft thoseskills so that we're better at
them and they serve us andothers because of those skill
sets.
And something that I think isso important, especially in
terms of relationships, is thatwhen our imperfection does
affect our relationships affectother humans that we learn how
(02:59):
to repair.
Repair is so important.
The more I've looked atattachment theory, the more I've
recognized how important repairis.
Far more than perfection isimportant.
I just think that it'ssomething that we can definitely
point towards, we can strivetowards.
None of us will ever make it,and so it's so important that we
(03:22):
learn how to repair and we getreally good at repairing when
hurt happens in ourrelationships and within others
because of our imperfection.
Anyways, this event that tookplace in my all too recent
history it must have been on aSaturday because I was getting
some house projects done, thosekind of house projects that pop
(03:45):
up during the week and end up ona checklist somewhere and seem
to stack up at least in ourhouse.
One of the items on my listthat day was to replace the
light in our kitchen.
So I get around to that project.
I open up the box, I check outthe new light, hop up on a stool
, then I take down the old light.
People might say that I lookbetter in the dark or that I
(04:09):
have a face for radio, but letme tell you about five minutes
later it wasn't very pretty.
I had gotten fairly worked upand I was frustrated.
I'll spare you the details andI'm not going to paint you too
vivid of a picture.
But after the dust had settled,Kelsey was just kind of
wondering like, and why on earthwas I behaving the way that I
(04:31):
was?
I told her the simple answer itwas because of the light.
The light had made me sofrustrated and I have to tell
you, my friends, that I don'tthink she bought it.
I don't think she thought thatthe light made me do anything
and I think she kind of knewthat that behavior was done all
on my own, without any of thelight's help.
(04:53):
I really know this firsthand,that the light didn't make me
behave the way that I did,because I've watched others
working on similarly frustratingprojects and I'm just amazed at
how, as they're going throughthe project, they just kind of
whistle away and do-do-do youknow kind of work on the project
and it doesn't seem to botherthem at all.
(05:13):
They move from one unexpectedproblem to the next.
They'll even kind of explain tome with a little laugh that you
know you've got to expect oneor two of these types of
problems on any project that youwork on.
It's just so true, and I wouldsay I've even experienced this
in my life and in the work thatI do.
I've seen the same scenarioplay out where a kid will write
(05:36):
their name in marker on a wall,and when I'm like, why did you
do that?
They'll answer a very simpleanswer Because my sibling made
me do it.
There was another child thatmade them write their name in
marker on our wall.
And when a spouse stops talkingand shuts down or gets angry and
frustrated, we ask them why.
(05:58):
The answer invariably comesaround to their spouse made them
behave that way.
The problem here is nobody canmake you.
I promise there's nothing thatanyone can make you do, and if
you're finding that you arebehaving in ways that aren't
helping your relationship andyour brain is telling you it's
(06:19):
because of them.
It's time to begin to recognizethat it's because of you, not
because of your spouse.
And I think a great question toask ourselves here is this what
adjectives do I want to bedescribed with as a spouse?
Are those adjectives thingslike kind, caring, supportive,
(06:42):
mean, cold, apathetic?
There are a wide range ofadjectives that we could use to
describe someone, right?
It's amazing that everyone thatI've ever directly asked that
question to, has responded withadjectives in line with care.
You know.
Rather than being described asmean, cold, apathetic, they want
(07:02):
to be described as kind, caring, supportive.
I'm guessing that that is thecase for you too.
If you find yourself moving awayfrom those adjectives that you
want to be described as, I wouldeven recommend writing them
down somewhere, like how do youwant to show up as a spouse, be
able to look at that and thenrecognize when you're not
(07:24):
showing up that way, you knowwhat's really powerful about
writing them down and looking atthem.
When someone else says, hey,why aren't you kind, we also can
kind of look at those and say,well, that was the way that I
show up kindly, so we can haveour back on that.
And now we can remain curious.
Why didn't they experience itas kindness?
And when we don't have todefend ourselves, we can remain
(07:46):
curious and we can reallyunderstand why they didn't
experience it as kindness.
And who knows, maybe that willshift the way that we show up
around them and sometimes not.
It doesn't mean you have tomove.
If you're showing up in a kindway, you have your back, you can
remain curious.
Sometimes that changes us.
Sometimes we stay showing upthe way that we do.
That being said, your spouse, nomatter what they are doing,
(08:11):
cannot make you call them a name, shut them out, shout at them.
They can't make you stick yourtongue out at them either.
I promise, just like in theexample of me installing that
light, I have to figure out howto approach that project in a
way that gives me more patienceso I can find more patience
(08:34):
within me around that project.
Just as a small example, one ofthe ways that I've learned to
do this is to say the samethings that those guys who are
whistling on that project say tothemselves that you know, you
got to expect one or twounexpected problems on every
project.
As I've really taken on thatthought and gone into those
(08:55):
projects with that type ofbelief, it's really allowed me
to stay much more patient as I'mworking on those, because I
already expected to run intounexpected problems and
expectations are.
So much of this and that'smaybe a whole nother podcast.
But when we find that ourrelationships aren't going well
and I would say that this issomething that I've really found
(09:18):
to be helpful for me that whenI find that my relationship
isn't going well, I always lookfor the pain and I'm almost
always able to find it either inmyself or within the other
person within Kelsey and for me,when I see and I'm able to
recognize pain, I find that itbrings compassion.
(09:40):
And when we really can seesomeone in pain and when I
really see someone in pain, Ifind that it brings compassion.
And when we really can seesomeone in pain and when I
really see someone in pain, itjust naturally creates this
sense of compassion within me.
So those are things that we cando to take back control of
ourselves, right, and we're notgiving away control to our
spouse, allowing them to make usdo something.
We can take that back and Ireally believe it's possible
(10:03):
that our spouse could say I hateyou and we could respond with
it seems like you're hurting andI really want to understand
what's going on, because you'reso important to me, I love you,
I care about you.
Help me understand.
I watch parents do this all thetime with their kids.
I know it's possible.
I watch pet owners do this withtheir dogs.
They'll have their dogs bitethem and they'll be able to see
(10:24):
the pain in the dog far morethan they feel the pain within
themselves.
They'll have their dog bitethem and they'll say, oh, he's a
rescue dog and we're workingwith him.
We're trying to help himrecognize that he's in a safe
home now.
He doesn't need to bite.
So when we see pain, we're ableto feel compassion, and often
within relationships, whathappens is we feel so much pain
(10:45):
within ourselves that we can'tsee the other person's pain.
It's important that werecognize the pain within
ourselves, because then we caneven have compassion within
ourselves.
We can get language and helpexplain and help describe what's
happening within us, and thatallows other people to feel
compassion as well and it justhelps relationships have more
clarity.
(11:05):
So next time your brain tellsyou that your spouse is making
you do something, stop it.
Take responsibility to do thework that you need to do so that
you can be the change that youneed in your relationships.
I'll talk to you all next week.
Bye-bye, this has been theFighting for Connection podcast.
(11:34):
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
need in your relationship.
Thank you.
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