August 19, 2024 • 50 mins
Welcome to another episode of Flow With Lo' hosted by Loyiso Lo'. In this episode, Lo' dives into the complexities of trust within friendships and romantic relationships. She shares personal experiences and reflections on the fine line between being cautious and being overly skeptical of friends around romantic partners.
Join me as I unpack these multifaceted issues, offering insights into maintaining healthy dynamics without compromising on trust and authenticity. She encourages listeners to engage in these conversations with their partners and friends to foster better understanding and stronger relationships.
Tune in for a heartfelt and thought-provoking discussion that challenges you to rethink your approach to trust and relationships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
What's up, what's up, what's up, you guys? Welcome to an episode of Flow With Low.
I am your host, Low Yiso Low, and this is my show.
Welcome, you guys. We're back and better and just feeling great,
rejuvenated. And I obviously have a chat.
Another thing I realized is that when I think about chats I wanna have on the podcast.
(00:22):
If I opt to write them down instead of just recording,
my God, god it does not end well here
like I swear I just looked at my notes app now and
I was like jeez these are things I don't need to speak about months ago like
in the first quarter of the year but we moved along from that and
a new chat has just come my way and I've just been hearing
about it and it's just been making the rounds in my own mind
(00:45):
I just something I've been thinking about something like yo I actually want
to chat about this and another thing about
the chats that I have all the time is that
these are chats I haven't thought about in depth
you guys a lot of the time you're hearing me
navigating them live unpacking them live dissecting
them live and just chatting through my opinions about what
(01:07):
it is or just uncovering what
what actually are my opinions like what does this trigger where
does this one thought lead me and that's
another reason why I always just refer to the
episodes as really just chats because like any
conversation things go everywhere and
anywhere one starter one starting sentence
(01:29):
can land us in flippant Brazil okay so my point is just to say just join me
on the chats this is an open platform and that is why it is important for you
guys to take your vns to the dms
on the flow with Louise so instagram page take Take your VNs to the DMs.
And this is just an invite, which quite frankly is going to be running throughout the show's history.
(01:55):
Like actually, we're just setting precedent where you guys get to chat to me
about whatever it is you want to chat to me about.
It doesn't have to be a wild thought out thought, idea, opinion.
Think piece. It just has to be something you want to chat about.
And the reason why we are taking forms of VNs is because first of all,
it's easier for you to communicate when you're being heard.
Instead of typing I'm kind of old school like that Where I prefer A phone call
(02:19):
Or a good VN Honestly I prefer VNs Just in general And that is why I think this
is great For you guys to just send me your thoughts I could be a series of them
Where you just Send me your thoughts,
chat to me about what it is that's on your mind what it is you want to chat
about what it is that you just you know take it your fancy and then we will
get into it on the pod either I will by my wonderful self or with my wonderful
(02:42):
part-time co-host the money the dollar the cash.
Zzzz who is my amazing sister I can't
believe I've actually cracked her intro because it's not even like
it's mad like it's so mad but yeah
that is my babe and yeah from time to time as you guys
know she does join me and we unpack on this
episode however I am heading it solo
(03:03):
which I'm obviously always comfy with cozy
with and more than happy to do because quite frankly
I think all segments spaces of my pod are
really things that are flowing naturally from me so I
don't really have any weird control issues any weird
like vibes like that and I think I'm
even highlighting that that because today's chat
(03:24):
is so multifaceted but it was triggered by
this episode on a podcast actually by this
babe that i stumbled upon on tiktok now she
is a black creator based in the states and she has
like the most out of this world thing pieces and
her thoughts are just so complex but it's
so interesting and entertaining to just hear where she goes with it and now
(03:47):
i find myself off nodding at so many of the things that she says so I naturally
had to follow a podcast and her one episode just stood out to me and so I listened
to it I'm like this is a very interesting thing because I feel like with every
topic in this world with anything popular like love.
Relationships both platonic and non-platonic hurt grief
joy there's so many things that can
(04:10):
be tackled or that can be addressed or that can be spoken about from different
angles and on this episode of her she spoke about bad friends and the line that
stuck out to me was that you're even a bad friend for not trusting your friends
and always assuming that they're trying to jump onto your partner,
I was like, what on earth is going on? It was such an interesting thing.
(04:35):
It was very interesting. I must be very honest with you guys.
Because I instantly was like, oh yeah, like this is such a thing.
This is actually such a thing.
And I don't know what my earliest memory of it is in relation to people outside
of me, women outside of me experiencing this.
We're very we're either distrusted or.
(04:57):
Distrust but i just have such a strong inkling guys
you know you just think in life and you're just like nah i
remember this energy i remember this essence and i
remember coming from this person but i don't know if this person
was giving it or taking it and when i
think back i'm just i just remember just like early on
being conscious of the kind of friend that
(05:18):
i was around my friends partners and that
was mainly because i never wanted to to send the message that
I might be running game with their
partners and it's crazy because I can
remember that from such an
early stage in my life so it feels like it feels like
it was such a long time ago that I just knew that lesson and this.
(05:41):
Was before I in my opinion got burnt you
know and got showed flames by mates and like partners
or like ex-partners but we'll get
into that chat had later but even before that I was just like
what is happening like I'm just so
conscious of it and I think it also is a trauma response from just
seeing the way that women and girls
(06:03):
have always been territorial over
their partners but the ways in which they're territorial right
so all of us I think everyone's territorial
in some way I think everyone has that energy I think that
it ranges I also think that it
obviously manifests itself differently but everyone has that
element of if you're friends with someone close
(06:24):
friends with someone if you have your sibling that you're close
to even if you're not close even if you're with your parents or it's
like I know I was quite territorial over my mom
and that was because she was such a lovable lovely
mother to people even outside of us so
she was great with us but trust me my mates my peers
they loved her like they loved her she was so
(06:45):
chill she was so cool she was so funny she was just like so different
from the other moms and shame it's really great like it was no fake shit like
she genuinely was such a great and open-minded woman and I think that many mothers
I know weren't like that she was the only one I knew that was like that and
it was evident even based on their children trying to cling on my mom.
(07:06):
But a lot of the time this was like friends
but at a young age it was very tough to
compartmentalize processing these people coming
to my mom for all these things like affection
and attention and an ear to listen to when
she was my mom so that is just like one
relationship that being territorial has always
(07:27):
like manifested itself in my life where especially when I
was young like I was a bit more like no it's my mom whatever like no one
of you can come here for a hug I can only if you want to i cuddle up with my mom like are
you guys kidding me like you got three kids now all of
you but the point of that is just
to really drive home the fact that being territorial
being a bit possessive with the people you love at different stages of your
(07:48):
life sometimes even now like forever really hopefully it's not bad guys like
i hope it's not bad hey but like that image is real and it's such a real thing
but with romantic relationships it's always been different love Love has always
just been the center of so many conversations,
but also so many ugly and tough things.
Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy that, quite frankly, is centered around love.
(08:13):
It's really just about two people that love each other to death, literally to death.
And it's one of the most celebrated pieces of art and theater and Shakespeare
celebrated in so many of his poems and so many of his plays.
Were really just diddling and
daddling and dancing around how deep and
(08:34):
how far love can take you and the
love of something can take you and with
romantic relationships especially as girls and women
you know there's always this discourse that goes on
around the fact that hey like you need
to do whatever you have to do to keep your man so basically
positioning men as these puppies or just like animals
(08:55):
or like property or just people that
we as women especially if you're in a heterosexual
relationship that we're in charge of
that we have to like ensure that if I make sure one two three like a mother
does her child then I'm guaranteed loyalty I'm guaranteed commitment I'm guaranteed
(09:17):
this person focusing on just me and now I think coming from that thinking
there's so many preventative acts then that women have naturally adopted over
the years past generations and I think it honestly only changes when you witness
good female relationships.
(09:37):
From women older than you from your ancestors and by ancestors I just mean people
that come before you not necessarily those that are dead because that's not
what this is but I just mean and women that come before you.
So it's like if you don't see healthy women dynamics relationships there and
then from that point on you kind of live out your life in a way that makes space
(09:59):
for them and creates and cultivates them.
I think that it's also tough to dispute any of these arguments,
dispute any of these debates about the fact that, yes,
you need to protect your partner, your male partner from certain things and
certain people or else he's gone.
And I guess that is just at my point of how scary all of it is.
(10:23):
Firstly, I think it's super scary because I just think it's scary.
I think it's scary for firstly, we'll talk about the gents. I think it's scary
and sad for men because one thing that is not spoken about enough.
And I doubt it will be because of patriarchy, but one thing that is not spoken
about enough is the abuse that some men experience from their romantic partners,
(10:45):
but that is pardoned, pushed to the side, or not even escalated to the right
people, to the right authorities,
just because this abuse, this treatment is at the hands of a woman.
And i need you guys to understand that
some behaviors are genuinely
so unhealthy like some things are just so
(11:07):
unhealthy for you it's just unhealthy to
be certain ways like while you're tripping so let's
just say for instance you are just chilling with
your mate a good mate of yours
doesn't have to be your best friend we're going to keep it just as objective as
possible because everyone will be like oh my best friend will never do that you
a good friend of yours your partner just at a restaurant you guys
(11:30):
are just chilling whatever you decide you want to go to a bathroom you're telling
me you're going to come back and shit on your person just
out of the blue that firstly is wild
because it's giving people can't even
chat interact and engage with other people people even of other genders because
you're wiling out in the way that you do even if it is your friend and this
(11:52):
then leads me to my next point of the starting point which is the being a bad
friend because you don't trust your friend like it's tricky for me because.
Like I said being certain ways and carrying out certain behaviors and also just
like fully wearing the badge of honor just the paradigm of having to act in
(12:15):
certain ways and put up preventative of measures so your men don't cheat,
that on its own is the root of many scary and wild behaviors.
And one of them is just the cynicism and this distrust that you have for your
partners and your friends.
And I think that it is very harmful because like I said, men are,
(12:37):
some partners, some male partners are really just...
At the brunt of all these accusations, with no proof, by the way,
accusations, all of this trauma dumping, verbal abuse, sometimes even gets physical.
There's all these types of treatments that a woman would literally be able to
arrest a man for or like rant about and have enough women riding behind her
(13:00):
to have her gain her strength back and realize that she's not worth being treated like a prisoner.
Listener but when the inverse is happening it's kind
of this thing of oh no she's crazy because we even have safeguards
as women to instantly use certain words that
we can use certain words that will guarantee us an army of women standing by
(13:22):
us and this isn't because women standing by women is crazy it's one of the best
things to happen to the patriarchy so i'm the best things to happen in life
and it's one of the best things to experience but it sucks when certain people
weaponize certain rhetoric,
certain rallying to drive and support their toxic and unchecked behavior.
(13:44):
It's out of this world. And none of what I'm saying is to say, oh no,
men are crying and every man is going through the most,
but I'm a human being and I don't care about gender when it comes to human suffering
to the extent that people are experiencing the same thing and all over the world
(14:05):
and nothing's being spoken about it, right?
And so it's like, we need to be able to check ourselves and check our behaviors
that come from these paradigms that have been passed on generation to generation.
Although they may seem like they're wise teachings, some things are not wise teachings.
It's just trauma that has been really packaged so nicely and packaged as a way of life.
(14:26):
When the first matter of the fact is...
Treat human beings just the way you'd want to be treated, like try your best.
And secondly, go to therapy. If you take yourself tripping, go to therapy.
Speak to a licensed professional, if not therapy,
but just make the actual strides to just want to be better and try better in
(14:48):
relationships in ways that don't include the control and the projection of your
insecurities stemming from your insecurities.
No one wants to feel like they're in prison for real
like on just on a basic level I don't think
it's a desire or to experience and I just think
with that in mind I've just had to be
(15:09):
so honest with myself about the role
of the things and the thoughts and the mindsets that
I have adopted as a result of influence
from discourse stemming from women and me
as a young girl having been impressionable because
you wrap something up in feminism or you wrap something up in.
This is not for women and so many women
(15:31):
will stand by it because we all need that
support and we all need someone to see
us and because we know we need that we
do that in return it's like this beautiful ecosystem
of support and love and thenness
that is created when the right people are
reciprocating support when the
(15:52):
right people are present and a lot of the time women tend
to do that in five seconds and do not back
down so I just feel like sometimes that
beautiful strength has also been the breeding ground
for pushing different narratives pushing
narratives that are harmful pushing narratives that really
empower us to be horrible to our partners
(16:14):
but in addition ourselves and our friends
as well now moving on to what started the chat
about the bad friends thing naturally a chat goes everywhere
but that's a bad friends
like are you a bad friend for not trusting your friend
around your partner or your friends around your partner it's tricky for me and
it's tricky for me because i've experienced at least three mates of mine people
(16:39):
that i had I considered myself close to genuinely screwing me over by being
with people that I loved.
And that was wild because the importance of these relationships for me at the
time when they were existing in their own respective timeframes,
it was not something that wasn't communicated.
(16:59):
These are babes that knew my relationships, right? Like they don't know the
details of it, but they knew what it was.
And some did know the details. But I did not in a million years generally ever
suspect them to have been doing the things that they were doing with these people
at the times that they're doing the things with these people while I was in their lives.
(17:20):
You know what I mean? Like, I did not expect it. And it took some time for me
to kind of like wrap my head around the true gravity of what that betrayal looked
like and also validating myself in what that was.
Because in these instances
and they're quite similar I was quite close to the girls individually and they
(17:43):
knew me they knew my partners they would even kiki with them when I'd be kiki
with them one of them however had not met him before the night that she and him got together but.
She knew enough about him she knew how he looked like and she knew he was my
man like she knew that And I was locked in.
So that was a bit like a bit wild for everything to have happened.
(18:08):
Just like banding the girlies back together for everything to have happened.
And I swear to you guys, before each of these things happened with each of these
girls, starting from high school, stretching into varsity as well.
It's like, oh, geez, I said at least three, let me say at least four.
I don't have friends with any of them right now. and one of the reasons really,
(18:32):
jeez, I guess the reasons were really just, I guess, trust.
Trust, time, distance, and the wrapping realization that I don't want to have
people that I consider close to me,
that actually move in certain ways as opposed to ways
(18:52):
that I would move right and I think that's another
just thought process that I
have come to use as a source
of comfort as well when people just don't
want to be in the picture anymore right because I
think it's important for us to just have our bags and
advocate for ourselves and plant ourselves around people
(19:14):
that want to be planted around us and vice versa and so
with the acts that happened with the girlies i just felt like you know what
listen like this is very clear i wouldn't have done this to you you did this
to me which clearly means that where i place you in my life is not where you
place me in your life so i will take a step back because it's clear that i'm
the one who's been presumptuous.
(19:35):
And i was and was more expectant to had a and had a higher bar so since that's
the case that's calm I'll just chill out.
I'll just chill out. I'll just chill out on the side of the party.
And so that's really how I took them as isolated incidences.
Like I took those isolated incidents and I thought I did until more recently.
(19:57):
I've kind of realized when thinking about it that here, like,
I think that I definitely do still have a wall up because of the expenses that
I've had with people that I considered close to me.
And the truth is I believe that
in some of the instances the feelings were mutual but when
I noticed that in some relationships your
(20:18):
partner or the person you're seeing is not
really a no-go for some friendships it made
me a bit more weary like it made me a bit more weary it
made me a bit more cautious it made me a bit more
on edge when it comes to certain interactions with mates of mine and I think
it's also woken me up because I prefer rearm ads low-key guys like low-key I
(20:41):
like rearm ads over being naive because these things really can happen and then
if you're naive it will be happening right under your nose.
But if I'm not naive, at least I feel more protected. Like I feel so much more
guarded. Like I feel like, okay, cool.
Even if I might not have known for months, if it's happening for months,
if it's even happening, even though I might not have been privy to that information,
(21:04):
at least I know that they had to work extra hard to keep that shit away from
me because I'm no fool, right? Like, and I think that's my thing.
Like it's quite interesting just having to navigate the, no,
chill out, that may be a conversation that get along calm.
And now that conversation has been going on
for too long and these people are kind of touching like it's been
me just navigating that nonsense like navigating
(21:25):
that understanding that getting that just be
wise about it just be wise about it one of
my mom's good friends as well back in the day when she was dating
and they were friends till like till death
to be honest but there was was a season where my mom was
seeing this guy you're back guys back in the
(21:46):
day because my friends were married but my mom was seeing this oak
and her friend really tried busting it
open for her man like she shot her shot didn't actually
succeed my mom was honest she said you know with men you never
know but the point is she found out and for me that was
a bit like okay this sounds a bit
hectic and that wasn't the first of
(22:07):
many my brother you know fine you know he said to die
now but he was such a playboy like
he was such a playboy in his time and
he prided himself so much in it his facebook name.
Was even so like cool like so
disgusting i love my brother too but i've always
hated that facebook name he had and it honestly
(22:27):
just highlighted how much of a how much
of a fast man he was like he was just on like in
the streets like he showed me what out the streets well
before I was even old enough to understand and fully
grasp but the way he navigated it like he was
going for friends he was doing all
this hullabaloo like all these things that quite
(22:50):
frankly you think that no this wouldn't happen that would
happen and my boy would check off that list like
he's going for best friends going for all these weird ass things
and I love him loads though i think he's a
man of i think he's a man with love and a
lot to give clearly but just also
having those different events those
(23:12):
different interactions with the reality of friendships
kind of being put to the test by relationships
and their loyalty to their relationships with their
friends right like seeing all
these cobwebs and all these things it was very very
very very interesting and I think also partially a lot for me to process as
(23:35):
someone who does like to integrate a romantic life with a friend life like I
love to have a good blend in that regard and I like to mix it and I like to
just you know be that person.
And so with all of that in mind it's
just tricky like it's also tricky and I don't know if that makes me a bad friend
if I'm going to be skeptical you know what I mean like I don't know if
(23:57):
that makes me a bad friend if I'm going to be
honest with my experiences keep an eye
out and chill out like I think it would be
wild if I'm accusing people without proof I
think that's a bit excessive I think that's also excessive is
perhaps like acting in ways that are
like a bit unhinged like being super controlling of
(24:17):
a moment like what my friends wear what they
wear when we're going out so at the way if my man's gonna be around especially what
they say how they say it like I guess when I start becoming a warden and I start
becoming a police officer then I think that's where things I would start to
worry right but right now like I'm honestly sure and I'm very fine with being
(24:39):
honest about the fact that I don't trust anyone like I don't trust I don't trust that shit,
like, I don't, people I obviously trust,
and they're people that are in my inner circle that I feel like, also,
the things I experienced in the past, I was young, man, you know what I mean,
and the people themselves are also young.
Yeah, fine, you could be a little devious babe, you know, from the age of whatever,
(24:59):
and those girls have themselves to deal with, it's not really my business,
but now that I'm just older, wiser, God's on my side,
for real, for real I mean he always has been but I mean me even
including him in like the things that I include him
in and the extent to which I include him with
all these things I've definitely been navigating it
(25:20):
all just peacefully and whenever I feel tense about things
I really just pray to God I'm like okay let's let's unpack this let's
dress this up the way it's supposed to be dressed up because I don't want to
be feeding off of the insecurities and the trauma that I've experienced and
justifying it in the way that I can because I am also not only a conversationalist
(25:43):
but a master communicator.
And with that, I can really drag up words that are robust and super,
super, super, super, super, super, super pretty to listen to in justifying nonsense.
So because I know that that's a double-edged sword,
(26:04):
I really genuinely need to bring my God into the chat.
And it's been important for me, you guys, because like I said,
me building community is not just building communities outside of myself.
It's building communities and a community for myself.
And I am so intentional about it.
And it matters so much to me that even my shedding seasons have been so hectic, like so hectic.
(26:31):
And I felt like a lot for me. but they've been extremely necessary and the only
reason I'm bringing that in is because,
community matters to me who I love matters to me and my friendships matter to
me and everything in between that I care about matters to me and if I decide
to bring those worlds together.
I don't want to be in a space where I'm doubting and curious and always like
(26:55):
cynical because that literally is unpeaceful like I would be tripping have you
guys seen what tripping actually looks like.
Tripping with your friend that is going to be mad at her man or her babe for
not responding for three hours.
To think that three hours is such a measly time. To
(27:15):
really think actually another fact is that hey
we all have lives and so do our people and
unfortunately although we may fall high on the
priority list there are so many other things
that need to be be done before you
responded to or that should be done before
you responded to even if it's not
(27:36):
actual things like actually filling
out your accounting book just allowing people
the space to live life the way
they want and see how they include you in their
life and taking it from there instead of being like so
forceful with the way that you're integrated in
the beginning I feel like I've also learned in
(27:58):
just calming down and relaxing it's just to let
it be like do your thing let me see how you move then I'll tell from there and
although that is a completely different conversation which we are definitely
going to get into at some other stage my point is just there's so many layers
and levels to being calm and enjoying yourself in a moment and enjoying your community.
(28:21):
And I think that it's been important for me to cultivate a community of the
right people, people I care about, people I love and people I trust,
because the truth is you can't trust everyone.
The Bible itself tells us not to trust in human beings or put our trust in man.
Some of Jesus' disciples, mainly Judas, who he loved, betrayed him.
(28:46):
I don't know about you guys, but I know I'm not above G.O.D..
Definitely not above anyone else in this world, and I'm definitely not above
my experiences in that regard.
I'm just a human being dealing with other human beings, and all of us are driven by different things.
All of us are motivated by different things. All of us want to do different things.
(29:07):
And because there's so much difference in it, I could never assume it insinuates
anything until now, unless I have proof.
Proof but I don't know if I'm willing to wait for proof
to cut you off like these days I will check
like I check with the little things like I'm so observant and
yeah it might be a bit cynical might be a bit crazy but I
honestly comfort myself so much in the fact that I
(29:28):
don't act up or act out I just think these things I
just think these things like I'm not like screaming at people I'm not
I'm just like thinking I'm like okay observing thinking boxing
together and I don't
know maybe a part of it is honestly just like a part that is afraid to
lose control but at the same time going back to what I said
like the discourse that is going on that just
(29:50):
has been passed on from generation to generation that you know
women we can take preventative steps from losing our partners
like maybe my thinking like
that is another form of preventative step like should we
take preventative steps I don't know I don't even
know if they would even work I think that some
things are definitely like functional and I
(30:10):
think some things are they have like a positive
role well not even positive but they'll have an effect like I just think some
things are practical and they can work and I also think there's that like large
gray area of realizing and understanding that human beings have free will people
will do what they want to do.
(30:31):
And it's not always about you and the things that tie us to
ourselves and the things that hold us down the things that may be
passed on may be taught but ultimately
are things that we want to hold on to are things that we want to
care about the things that we do care about and although
some values are taught and need to be like instilled and
reinforced other things you just
(30:53):
really will pick up either as you go just not at all and I
think that's why I'm just not trying to waste time acting like
someone who needs to tame someone and
moving like someone who needs to reel things in
you know what I mean like I'm just trying to I'm just trying to live I just
want to live and love and I don't want to think too much when I'm around my
friends and I don't want to think too much and I'm around my partner and I don't
(31:15):
want to think extra when I'm around all of them together because I do definitely
understand the nuance of how that makes you a bad friend if If you're always
suspecting of the people you love,
because this babe in the podcast put it so well,
I think her name's Alexia. She put it so well when she was like.
It's degrading to even your friend and to you that your primary thought would
(31:38):
be that they are trying to jump on your person.
Like, you know what I mean? Like, it really just takes away even their true
thinking capacity and their self-control and also just,
I know it pains them as these lustful beasts that are just waiting for you to
leave and then they're just going to pounce on each other.
(32:00):
Like it's so multi-layered and I can definitely
understand the hurt that comes from it and I
can also understand people that may even cut friends off after being
accused and it's not true it's so
it's a lot it's like it's it's honestly just a
lot like all of it is it's plenty it's plenty
it's plenty and I just think that with all
(32:20):
of that as someone who has been burnt in that way I'm definitely
a cautious babe like I'm definitely not just laying back
and just being like whatever but I can see that
I've relaxed a lot more and I think it's mainly because I prayed about
it and also realized that at the end of the
day people do what they want to do I won't die
if I'm being cheated on unfortunately like I actually
(32:41):
will not die and I'm better than that as well
like I'm better than to stay around in a space like that and I'm not saying
that people that stay with cheaters are not better than that I just know for
a fact that after trial and error after staying when someone has done that kind
of whack thing to me or just like portrayed me in a way that's very similar
(33:02):
given the states of our relationship respectively.
I don't thrive in that like I don't thrive in that like I lose
myself in that and it's just not great to
stay with someone that has done that to me
I've experienced that for myself and I know for a fact it's not great it's
not sustainable and it's just not going to go anywhere so we might as well cut
the cameras and that's why I'm better than that I'm better for that as well
(33:25):
because I just know like because I've tried it I've definitely tried it I've
stayed with a cheater I've stayed with someone who stepped out I've definitely
stayed with someone who's done the
shittiest shit. Like I'm stuck around.
Like guys, I made sure that, like every ride I've been on, I made sure that
I rode it out until I was done, child.
(33:46):
I've been on these damn rides, bro. And I can tell you, it's not for me.
So what do I do? If I know, okay, cool. If this were to happen and I were to
find out, I know what step I take.
Praise God, right now in this stage of life, I don't have a child,
which makes it even easier and better later and I feel
even more empowered to walk away from situations or
(34:09):
relationships or situations that just
won't be serving me via white betrayal hell no
both male or female and ultimately it
really comes down to people I think we also need to understand that there's
only so much we could do as people and it's way less
than we even think we can do things but the
effects are things that we cannot control the outcome of these
(34:30):
things that something we can't control so through understanding
that it's made me definitely calmer and just wanting to
just be my best hot girl self like not worrying
about other people genuinely and this pulls over into so many other
facets of life generally and these are chats that
we can have as well but just understanding that my focus should be me my temple
(34:51):
my relationship with myself my relationship with my god number one then people
around me like that's what matters to me and there's more peace in that that.
But of course, my boo thing matters to me. And there's the normal fear and feelings
of just, I don't want to lose this person.
You don't want to lose the people you love and you especially don't want to
(35:12):
lose them to other people.
Because I think death is one of the most inevitable things. But it's one of
those things that we never think about when it comes to losing romantic partners.
I mean, we do watch that movie or maybe even when you think about it,
you're like, I hope this person doesn't die.
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's that. but I mean
genuinely like when people have when people think
about losing their people so a lot of the time it's about losing them
(35:35):
to other people so I don't want
to live like that I don't want to think like that the whole time I just especially when
it's people I love especially when it's just a bunch of my friends
and my person I want to be like no my person enjoys
conversation I know they're a
conversationalist so when they're chatting to my
other friend who's a yappa and who has who likes to
(35:56):
chat as well or even if they don't but seeing
that my person is making that effort seeing that
my friend is making that effort loving god for that
loving god for the power of conversation the strength
of conversation that linking thing instead of.
Always thinking that someone trying to get their leg back with me
like it's just more exhausting to
(36:16):
be stressed about that and not unreal
if you do like it's so flippant real if you
do because like I said I didn't say I trust everyone but
I've definitely built a better relationship with
myself and trusting myself and how
I would handle things and most importantly trusting
(36:36):
my God to reveal and protect period the
rest is his everything else I'm only in control of quite frankly what I'm but
my next step may be like literally where I'm going to head to after this that's
what I can that's what I have free choice over I free will over so many things
but in terms of the outcomes and the actions of other people I unfortunately
I don't and I think it's more important to focus on like.
(37:00):
What my response would be and what it's more likely to be as compared to what
other people are going to be focused on because I don't know if it even matters
for real I genuinely don't even think it even matters for real.
So with that being said, I don't know. Am I a bad friend? I don't think so.
I think I'm someone who's experienced life and I'm not going to act like I haven't
(37:23):
just because love exists. Are you kidding me?
Please, please.
But I'm really genuinely excited about the friendships that I have now.
I'm excited about the friends I have now. I'm happy about the friends I have now. And.
I'm even more excited about the blessings God is just going to continue to throw
(37:45):
onto me via community, via interactions, because those are really the things
that recharge and refuel me.
Like I love a good interaction with someone great.
You guys don't understand, and I don't even know how to fully explain it.
But just being able to chill with someone and just chat to them and have a cool
convo, it just leaves me feeling inspired about life and excited.
(38:06):
No matter the conversation if it's just something that goes like we were having
a conversation where your thoughts are being shared and my thoughts are being
shared and we're having that that always just leaves me feeling connected to
that person in some way and I think that's another reason why,
I've been able to soften when it comes to the way that my partners interact
with my friends I was never one to police but after my little experiences I
(38:31):
started becoming a bit like a bit more like cynical.
And I don't know if I ever expressed that to the guys I was seeing after that,
the people I would see after that.
I don't know if I expressed it much, but I remember like just chilling a bit
because I'm like, I love to have a good conversation and it's also genuinely not floating 90%.
(38:52):
Because a girl's gotta eat, okay? But genuinely,
like I was just having conversations with people, no sex in mind,
no hooking up in mind, nothing in mind just for the sake of I'm a person who
wants to chat and connect and everyone else is you know taking a million shots
and I've taken my thousand and I'm done but right now you know like I just want
(39:14):
to chat to someone or just like.
Connect and understanding that about myself and
being real with myself about it and also appreciating it has
had me appreciate that quality in other people and so
it's made me realize that it's not always shady
it's made me calm with that and it's also
been comforting to know that because I know
(39:34):
I'm not trying to jump onto every pony and every poness so
it's like hey like yeah
maybe you know it's actually a real possibility and reality quite
frankly that there are other people like me so yeah
I think it's just it's just all these realizations and many things
that have just helped me soften but it
(39:55):
hasn't completely like left my mind I don't think it ever will and I don't think
it should I think it's good to also work from a point of wisdom through experience
as well not everything is just going to be something you just get you know some
things you're going to have to experience more than once for you to understand that it kind
of has to be a part of your own paradigms and
(40:17):
your own thought constructions when
it comes to certain things and drawing certain boundaries because
you then also know and are aware of the things that may trigger you or the things
that may be crossing a boundary that was crossed before that may have been seen
as normal but isn't normal and so just understanding how you react to things
(40:38):
I think is so important because it then helps you to communicate those things.
Because, of course, master communicator, I'm super big on communication and
I'm big on chatting and translating things in ways that...
Are receptive and bear in mind the
first point of contact isn't always going to be that way right like
(40:59):
trust me it's not always going to
be this oh just because you said this while i love
and hug you no communication and initiating communication
and a conversation that is a bit tough that can
be perceived as tough isn't always going to be easy but it's
going to be necessary and i think it's important for us to also
just know ourselves more so that we're
(41:19):
able to communicate ourselves ourselves better not communicate
for ourselves but communicate who we are and what we
are better to those that we're going to be sharing
our lives with and sharing our hearts with in any capacity
so that they know how to handle your heart well and if
they care they will consider those things
and if they don't then I guess the relationship ends
(41:40):
and that's fine that is fine
also you know what I mean like it's also very okay if
that happens but the aim is not for that to happen and
the aim is to strengthen our communities not keep on shuffling people and
I think because of this
conversation just like the bad friends thing it
stuck out to me more because I'm quite conscious and active especially as of
(42:04):
late as of this year of being just a better friend because I knew I'm not perfect
and I've also had just realizations and also people calling me out on things like.
Friends at least, just calling me out on things and addressing things that have
made me have to look within myself and be honest about, damn, like, what is this?
(42:27):
Where does this come from? Or, hey, this may have landed this way.
And just a rounded conversation with myself and my God and unpacking and wanting
to address these things.
And I think that the bad friends thing and that one specific,
you know, point of hers was real.
And it had me just think more about mine and want to share about like,
hey, like I've had experiences like this too. And I don't think it's like,
(42:50):
great it's not fun to experience that and naturally
because it's not fun that kind of means it
can be a bit traumatic which kind of means
it kind of sticks around like for a very long
time which kind of means it can affect the
way you act and move and just the way that you are which
kind of means how do I avoid this like how do I navigate
(43:12):
this and also my goal
and to be a good friend it's tricky
but i've been you know working on that and
ensuring that i do hold space for
my experiences and react accordingly but i also want that to be within reasonability
and not in ways that are fucking ridiculous where no one's gonna wanna mess
(43:37):
with me no one's gonna wanna hang out with me and my man because i'll trip now
i'm not trying to be that girl because Because the truth is,
I think it's also important,
like I said, to just be in a relationship or relationships that,
you know, communities that you feel safe in.
And just leaning into that instead of whiling out.
But it's never easy. It's always easier said than done. Always easier said than done.
(44:00):
But it's me to me. Like, I'm chatting to myself as well in this episode.
It's not even a to you guys on some.
Hey, guys, here's some tips. because i think my other episodes have also just
been about that like hey this is
what i experienced it's like a lesson i have and i want
to share with you guys but it's just literally a chat of
mine about a chat of mine but yeah i guess that's
what we are are we bad friends are we not i don't know what you guys think let
(44:23):
me know in the dms just like send your vn to the dms and let me know like what
you think about this topic like where you stand with it how you see your friends
how you view your friends in relation to your partner,
what you view those kinds of communities. Do you prefer like.
An isolated model where each compartment is
(44:44):
different and people when you get together for the wedding and big
celebrations what does that look like for you
you know I think for me it's it continues
to shift which I love and I allow and I
embrace but moreover I
think the core of it is pretty much the same like I like a little
combined thing I'm not saying our lives have
(45:05):
to be intertwined to the extent that every single time you're
having something my friends and my a whole tribe
comes if I'm having something vice versa with
you as my partner but just like I want
my partner to know my friends and my friends to know my partner and I want there
to be conversations I want it to be when we're all
hanging out conversations can happen and people can chill out
(45:26):
and just be chilled you know what I mean like I don't need to create strong
best friend relationships over the board but I do love the existence of a healthy
dynamic and a fun dynamic and a dynamic where my person's good qualities are
also seen and not just heard via my anecdotes, right?
And not seen for my glorification, but just so they can also continue establishing
(45:51):
themselves as an individual who loves me and not just as this guy or this girl
that just loves me. You know what I mean? Like someone that...
Is and then loves me and I think that's pretty cool and
I think that's a beautiful sentiment that I've just always held
and it's the first time I ever articulated it in that way but yeah this really
(46:11):
like I love who I love so much and I don't like the idea and the thought of
them being absorbed into who I am and that's also mainly because I don't like
the idea of being absorbed into someone else and so just that beautiful interplay between our lives
intertwining but also our individuality growing
and still being dominant I think it's just
(46:31):
made me continue to want to thrive in
every and any relationship I'm in but also have the person
by my side who I can
hold hands with and who I can sit across
the table from my friends or their friends and just have a good ass time over
a few glasses of wine and a good meal like Like I want that and I love that
(46:55):
idea of life and I want to be able to go to the bathroom and not worry,
not because, oh my God, I've done all this work in therapy, but because I can
genuinely trust these people.
Maybe even because I've done all this work by myself and thought about it and
calmed down, but just holistically,
I just want to check out the
(47:18):
boxes that are just going going to have me be a good
friend but also kind to myself and be nice to
my partner so that I'm not riding out and tripping on them as to
why they were smiling too hard like stuff like
that I just don't I don't have time for them now and I
don't want to make time for them generally like I just don't like
it's just also way more stressful to just be
(47:39):
certain ways and I think that's why I'm also so big on rethinking about certain
paradigms and just talking through and working through certain paradigms because
when we hold on to certain things and thoughts and schools of thoughts that
are so grown and so not established by you,
it becomes a bit difficult to then progress and.
(48:03):
With the dynamic nature of society
and people because you can never box people
avatars are scary like boxing people
is scary because it's often just
not perfect like not
like 99% is kind of just like always more to people and things and situations
(48:27):
and so I can't waste my time stressing about putting up certain guardrails over
my partner so that they don't hook up with my friend or on my friend so that
they don't hook up with my partner.
If they wanted to, they would. And we need to stop seeing that as only something
applicable into guilting partners into doing the things that we want them to
(48:52):
do or just doing specific things with no nuance,
no grace, no understanding of even their
position i mean generally with anything and
everything if someone wanted to they would so
there's that but i 100
love love and i love relationships and i love friendships and i love the healthy
(49:13):
coinciding of those things and those layers and those dynamics so yeah this
is just me now this is where i'm at and i hope you guys just have a
beautiful beautiful beautiful day thinking about stuff and talking and having conversations.
(49:34):
And chatting to your partners as well like i think it's
also an interesting conversation to have with your partner taking yourself and your
emotions out of it it's just very interesting to navigate so yeah i
hope you guys just have fun in this life thing
and have these conversations with your friends so people also
kind of know what kind of no-go zones they
are in an open and calm way and not in a way where it's
(49:56):
like a confrontation of some sort but just
like allowing yourself and your conversations to
go there so that you guys have a better understanding of
yourselves in context and have a
better understanding of the people that you love in those contexts so yeah
that's a flow with those all about and with that loisolo your
favorite host south african babe in the us of a
(50:18):
very lovely to speak to you guys love you loads blessings
don't forget to pray don't forget God's just waiting for
you to knock and he will answer he'll be there cast all your burdens onto him
because he truly cares just as a matter of fact so yeah you guys love you loads
blessings and happy victorious blossoming.
What's up, what's up, what's up, you guys? Welcome to an episode of Flow With Low.
I am your host, Low Yiso Low, and this is my show.
Welcome, you guys. We're back and better and just feeling great,
rejuvenated. And I obviously have a chat.
Another thing I realized is that when I think about chats I wanna have on the podcast.
(00:22):
If I opt to write them down instead of just recording,
my God, god it does not end well here
like I swear I just looked at my notes app now and
I was like jeez these are things I don't need to speak about months ago like
in the first quarter of the year but we moved along from that and
a new chat has just come my way and I've just been hearing
about it and it's just been making the rounds in my own mind
(00:45):
I just something I've been thinking about something like yo I actually want
to chat about this and another thing about
the chats that I have all the time is that
these are chats I haven't thought about in depth
you guys a lot of the time you're hearing me
navigating them live unpacking them live dissecting
them live and just chatting through my opinions about what
(01:07):
it is or just uncovering what
what actually are my opinions like what does this trigger where
does this one thought lead me and that's
another reason why I always just refer to the
episodes as really just chats because like any
conversation things go everywhere and
anywhere one starter one starting sentence
(01:29):
can land us in flippant Brazil okay so my point is just to say just join me
on the chats this is an open platform and that is why it is important for you
guys to take your vns to the dms
on the flow with Louise so instagram page take Take your VNs to the DMs.
And this is just an invite, which quite frankly is going to be running throughout the show's history.
(01:55):
Like actually, we're just setting precedent where you guys get to chat to me
about whatever it is you want to chat to me about.
It doesn't have to be a wild thought out thought, idea, opinion.
Think piece. It just has to be something you want to chat about.
And the reason why we are taking forms of VNs is because first of all,
it's easier for you to communicate when you're being heard.
Instead of typing I'm kind of old school like that Where I prefer A phone call
(02:19):
Or a good VN Honestly I prefer VNs Just in general And that is why I think this
is great For you guys to just send me your thoughts I could be a series of them
Where you just Send me your thoughts,
chat to me about what it is that's on your mind what it is you want to chat
about what it is that you just you know take it your fancy and then we will
get into it on the pod either I will by my wonderful self or with my wonderful
(02:42):
part-time co-host the money the dollar the cash.
Zzzz who is my amazing sister I can't
believe I've actually cracked her intro because it's not even like
it's mad like it's so mad but yeah
that is my babe and yeah from time to time as you guys
know she does join me and we unpack on this
episode however I am heading it solo
(03:03):
which I'm obviously always comfy with cozy
with and more than happy to do because quite frankly
I think all segments spaces of my pod are
really things that are flowing naturally from me so I
don't really have any weird control issues any weird
like vibes like that and I think I'm
even highlighting that that because today's chat
(03:24):
is so multifaceted but it was triggered by
this episode on a podcast actually by this
babe that i stumbled upon on tiktok now she
is a black creator based in the states and she has
like the most out of this world thing pieces and
her thoughts are just so complex but it's
so interesting and entertaining to just hear where she goes with it and now
(03:47):
i find myself off nodding at so many of the things that she says so I naturally
had to follow a podcast and her one episode just stood out to me and so I listened
to it I'm like this is a very interesting thing because I feel like with every
topic in this world with anything popular like love.
Relationships both platonic and non-platonic hurt grief
joy there's so many things that can
(04:10):
be tackled or that can be addressed or that can be spoken about from different
angles and on this episode of her she spoke about bad friends and the line that
stuck out to me was that you're even a bad friend for not trusting your friends
and always assuming that they're trying to jump onto your partner,
I was like, what on earth is going on? It was such an interesting thing.
(04:35):
It was very interesting. I must be very honest with you guys.
Because I instantly was like, oh yeah, like this is such a thing.
This is actually such a thing.
And I don't know what my earliest memory of it is in relation to people outside
of me, women outside of me experiencing this.
We're very we're either distrusted or.
(04:57):
Distrust but i just have such a strong inkling guys
you know you just think in life and you're just like nah i
remember this energy i remember this essence and i
remember coming from this person but i don't know if this person
was giving it or taking it and when i
think back i'm just i just remember just like early on
being conscious of the kind of friend that
(05:18):
i was around my friends partners and that
was mainly because i never wanted to to send the message that
I might be running game with their
partners and it's crazy because I can
remember that from such an
early stage in my life so it feels like it feels like
it was such a long time ago that I just knew that lesson and this.
(05:41):
Was before I in my opinion got burnt you
know and got showed flames by mates and like partners
or like ex-partners but we'll get
into that chat had later but even before that I was just like
what is happening like I'm just so
conscious of it and I think it also is a trauma response from just
seeing the way that women and girls
(06:03):
have always been territorial over
their partners but the ways in which they're territorial right
so all of us I think everyone's territorial
in some way I think everyone has that energy I think that
it ranges I also think that it
obviously manifests itself differently but everyone has that
element of if you're friends with someone close
(06:24):
friends with someone if you have your sibling that you're close
to even if you're not close even if you're with your parents or it's
like I know I was quite territorial over my mom
and that was because she was such a lovable lovely
mother to people even outside of us so
she was great with us but trust me my mates my peers
they loved her like they loved her she was so
(06:45):
chill she was so cool she was so funny she was just like so different
from the other moms and shame it's really great like it was no fake shit like
she genuinely was such a great and open-minded woman and I think that many mothers
I know weren't like that she was the only one I knew that was like that and
it was evident even based on their children trying to cling on my mom.
(07:06):
But a lot of the time this was like friends
but at a young age it was very tough to
compartmentalize processing these people coming
to my mom for all these things like affection
and attention and an ear to listen to when
she was my mom so that is just like one
relationship that being territorial has always
(07:27):
like manifested itself in my life where especially when I
was young like I was a bit more like no it's my mom whatever like no one
of you can come here for a hug I can only if you want to i cuddle up with my mom like are
you guys kidding me like you got three kids now all of
you but the point of that is just
to really drive home the fact that being territorial
being a bit possessive with the people you love at different stages of your
(07:48):
life sometimes even now like forever really hopefully it's not bad guys like
i hope it's not bad hey but like that image is real and it's such a real thing
but with romantic relationships it's always been different love Love has always
just been the center of so many conversations,
but also so many ugly and tough things.
Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy that, quite frankly, is centered around love.
(08:13):
It's really just about two people that love each other to death, literally to death.
And it's one of the most celebrated pieces of art and theater and Shakespeare
celebrated in so many of his poems and so many of his plays.
Were really just diddling and
daddling and dancing around how deep and
(08:34):
how far love can take you and the
love of something can take you and with
romantic relationships especially as girls and women
you know there's always this discourse that goes on
around the fact that hey like you need
to do whatever you have to do to keep your man so basically
positioning men as these puppies or just like animals
(08:55):
or like property or just people that
we as women especially if you're in a heterosexual
relationship that we're in charge of
that we have to like ensure that if I make sure one two three like a mother
does her child then I'm guaranteed loyalty I'm guaranteed commitment I'm guaranteed
(09:17):
this person focusing on just me and now I think coming from that thinking
there's so many preventative acts then that women have naturally adopted over
the years past generations and I think it honestly only changes when you witness
good female relationships.
(09:37):
From women older than you from your ancestors and by ancestors I just mean people
that come before you not necessarily those that are dead because that's not
what this is but I just mean and women that come before you.
So it's like if you don't see healthy women dynamics relationships there and
then from that point on you kind of live out your life in a way that makes space
(09:59):
for them and creates and cultivates them.
I think that it's also tough to dispute any of these arguments,
dispute any of these debates about the fact that, yes,
you need to protect your partner, your male partner from certain things and
certain people or else he's gone.
And I guess that is just at my point of how scary all of it is.
(10:23):
Firstly, I think it's super scary because I just think it's scary.
I think it's scary for firstly, we'll talk about the gents. I think it's scary
and sad for men because one thing that is not spoken about enough.
And I doubt it will be because of patriarchy, but one thing that is not spoken
about enough is the abuse that some men experience from their romantic partners,
(10:45):
but that is pardoned, pushed to the side, or not even escalated to the right
people, to the right authorities,
just because this abuse, this treatment is at the hands of a woman.
And i need you guys to understand that
some behaviors are genuinely
so unhealthy like some things are just so
(11:07):
unhealthy for you it's just unhealthy to
be certain ways like while you're tripping so let's
just say for instance you are just chilling with
your mate a good mate of yours
doesn't have to be your best friend we're going to keep it just as objective as
possible because everyone will be like oh my best friend will never do that you
a good friend of yours your partner just at a restaurant you guys
(11:30):
are just chilling whatever you decide you want to go to a bathroom you're telling
me you're going to come back and shit on your person just
out of the blue that firstly is wild
because it's giving people can't even
chat interact and engage with other people people even of other genders because
you're wiling out in the way that you do even if it is your friend and this
(11:52):
then leads me to my next point of the starting point which is the being a bad
friend because you don't trust your friend like it's tricky for me because.
Like I said being certain ways and carrying out certain behaviors and also just
like fully wearing the badge of honor just the paradigm of having to act in
(12:15):
certain ways and put up preventative of measures so your men don't cheat,
that on its own is the root of many scary and wild behaviors.
And one of them is just the cynicism and this distrust that you have for your
partners and your friends.
And I think that it is very harmful because like I said, men are,
(12:37):
some partners, some male partners are really just...
At the brunt of all these accusations, with no proof, by the way,
accusations, all of this trauma dumping, verbal abuse, sometimes even gets physical.
There's all these types of treatments that a woman would literally be able to
arrest a man for or like rant about and have enough women riding behind her
(13:00):
to have her gain her strength back and realize that she's not worth being treated like a prisoner.
Listener but when the inverse is happening it's kind
of this thing of oh no she's crazy because we even have safeguards
as women to instantly use certain words that
we can use certain words that will guarantee us an army of women standing by
(13:22):
us and this isn't because women standing by women is crazy it's one of the best
things to happen to the patriarchy so i'm the best things to happen in life
and it's one of the best things to experience but it sucks when certain people
weaponize certain rhetoric,
certain rallying to drive and support their toxic and unchecked behavior.
(13:44):
It's out of this world. And none of what I'm saying is to say, oh no,
men are crying and every man is going through the most,
but I'm a human being and I don't care about gender when it comes to human suffering
to the extent that people are experiencing the same thing and all over the world
(14:05):
and nothing's being spoken about it, right?
And so it's like, we need to be able to check ourselves and check our behaviors
that come from these paradigms that have been passed on generation to generation.
Although they may seem like they're wise teachings, some things are not wise teachings.
It's just trauma that has been really packaged so nicely and packaged as a way of life.
(14:26):
When the first matter of the fact is...
Treat human beings just the way you'd want to be treated, like try your best.
And secondly, go to therapy. If you take yourself tripping, go to therapy.
Speak to a licensed professional, if not therapy,
but just make the actual strides to just want to be better and try better in
(14:48):
relationships in ways that don't include the control and the projection of your
insecurities stemming from your insecurities.
No one wants to feel like they're in prison for real
like on just on a basic level I don't think
it's a desire or to experience and I just think
with that in mind I've just had to be
(15:09):
so honest with myself about the role
of the things and the thoughts and the mindsets that
I have adopted as a result of influence
from discourse stemming from women and me
as a young girl having been impressionable because
you wrap something up in feminism or you wrap something up in.
This is not for women and so many women
(15:31):
will stand by it because we all need that
support and we all need someone to see
us and because we know we need that we
do that in return it's like this beautiful ecosystem
of support and love and thenness
that is created when the right people are
reciprocating support when the
(15:52):
right people are present and a lot of the time women tend
to do that in five seconds and do not back
down so I just feel like sometimes that
beautiful strength has also been the breeding ground
for pushing different narratives pushing
narratives that are harmful pushing narratives that really
empower us to be horrible to our partners
(16:14):
but in addition ourselves and our friends
as well now moving on to what started the chat
about the bad friends thing naturally a chat goes everywhere
but that's a bad friends
like are you a bad friend for not trusting your friend
around your partner or your friends around your partner it's tricky for me and
it's tricky for me because i've experienced at least three mates of mine people
(16:39):
that i had I considered myself close to genuinely screwing me over by being
with people that I loved.
And that was wild because the importance of these relationships for me at the
time when they were existing in their own respective timeframes,
it was not something that wasn't communicated.
(16:59):
These are babes that knew my relationships, right? Like they don't know the
details of it, but they knew what it was.
And some did know the details. But I did not in a million years generally ever
suspect them to have been doing the things that they were doing with these people
at the times that they're doing the things with these people while I was in their lives.
(17:20):
You know what I mean? Like, I did not expect it. And it took some time for me
to kind of like wrap my head around the true gravity of what that betrayal looked
like and also validating myself in what that was.
Because in these instances
and they're quite similar I was quite close to the girls individually and they
(17:43):
knew me they knew my partners they would even kiki with them when I'd be kiki
with them one of them however had not met him before the night that she and him got together but.
She knew enough about him she knew how he looked like and she knew he was my
man like she knew that And I was locked in.
So that was a bit like a bit wild for everything to have happened.
(18:08):
Just like banding the girlies back together for everything to have happened.
And I swear to you guys, before each of these things happened with each of these
girls, starting from high school, stretching into varsity as well.
It's like, oh, geez, I said at least three, let me say at least four.
I don't have friends with any of them right now. and one of the reasons really,
(18:32):
jeez, I guess the reasons were really just, I guess, trust.
Trust, time, distance, and the wrapping realization that I don't want to have
people that I consider close to me,
that actually move in certain ways as opposed to ways
(18:52):
that I would move right and I think that's another
just thought process that I
have come to use as a source
of comfort as well when people just don't
want to be in the picture anymore right because I
think it's important for us to just have our bags and
advocate for ourselves and plant ourselves around people
(19:14):
that want to be planted around us and vice versa and so
with the acts that happened with the girlies i just felt like you know what
listen like this is very clear i wouldn't have done this to you you did this
to me which clearly means that where i place you in my life is not where you
place me in your life so i will take a step back because it's clear that i'm
the one who's been presumptuous.
(19:35):
And i was and was more expectant to had a and had a higher bar so since that's
the case that's calm I'll just chill out.
I'll just chill out. I'll just chill out on the side of the party.
And so that's really how I took them as isolated incidences.
Like I took those isolated incidents and I thought I did until more recently.
(19:57):
I've kind of realized when thinking about it that here, like,
I think that I definitely do still have a wall up because of the expenses that
I've had with people that I considered close to me.
And the truth is I believe that
in some of the instances the feelings were mutual but when
I noticed that in some relationships your
(20:18):
partner or the person you're seeing is not
really a no-go for some friendships it made
me a bit more weary like it made me a bit more weary it
made me a bit more cautious it made me a bit more
on edge when it comes to certain interactions with mates of mine and I think
it's also woken me up because I prefer rearm ads low-key guys like low-key I
(20:41):
like rearm ads over being naive because these things really can happen and then
if you're naive it will be happening right under your nose.
But if I'm not naive, at least I feel more protected. Like I feel so much more
guarded. Like I feel like, okay, cool.
Even if I might not have known for months, if it's happening for months,
if it's even happening, even though I might not have been privy to that information,
(21:04):
at least I know that they had to work extra hard to keep that shit away from
me because I'm no fool, right? Like, and I think that's my thing.
Like it's quite interesting just having to navigate the, no,
chill out, that may be a conversation that get along calm.
And now that conversation has been going on
for too long and these people are kind of touching like it's been
me just navigating that nonsense like navigating
(21:25):
that understanding that getting that just be
wise about it just be wise about it one of
my mom's good friends as well back in the day when she was dating
and they were friends till like till death
to be honest but there was was a season where my mom was
seeing this guy you're back guys back in the
(21:46):
day because my friends were married but my mom was seeing this oak
and her friend really tried busting it
open for her man like she shot her shot didn't actually
succeed my mom was honest she said you know with men you never
know but the point is she found out and for me that was
a bit like okay this sounds a bit
hectic and that wasn't the first of
(22:07):
many my brother you know fine you know he said to die
now but he was such a playboy like
he was such a playboy in his time and
he prided himself so much in it his facebook name.
Was even so like cool like so
disgusting i love my brother too but i've always
hated that facebook name he had and it honestly
(22:27):
just highlighted how much of a how much
of a fast man he was like he was just on like in
the streets like he showed me what out the streets well
before I was even old enough to understand and fully
grasp but the way he navigated it like he was
going for friends he was doing all
this hullabaloo like all these things that quite
(22:50):
frankly you think that no this wouldn't happen that would
happen and my boy would check off that list like
he's going for best friends going for all these weird ass things
and I love him loads though i think he's a
man of i think he's a man with love and a
lot to give clearly but just also
having those different events those
(23:12):
different interactions with the reality of friendships
kind of being put to the test by relationships
and their loyalty to their relationships with their
friends right like seeing all
these cobwebs and all these things it was very very
very very interesting and I think also partially a lot for me to process as
(23:35):
someone who does like to integrate a romantic life with a friend life like I
love to have a good blend in that regard and I like to mix it and I like to
just you know be that person.
And so with all of that in mind it's
just tricky like it's also tricky and I don't know if that makes me a bad friend
if I'm going to be skeptical you know what I mean like I don't know if
(23:57):
that makes me a bad friend if I'm going to be
honest with my experiences keep an eye
out and chill out like I think it would be
wild if I'm accusing people without proof I
think that's a bit excessive I think that's also excessive is
perhaps like acting in ways that are
like a bit unhinged like being super controlling of
(24:17):
a moment like what my friends wear what they
wear when we're going out so at the way if my man's gonna be around especially what
they say how they say it like I guess when I start becoming a warden and I start
becoming a police officer then I think that's where things I would start to
worry right but right now like I'm honestly sure and I'm very fine with being
(24:39):
honest about the fact that I don't trust anyone like I don't trust I don't trust that shit,
like, I don't, people I obviously trust,
and they're people that are in my inner circle that I feel like, also,
the things I experienced in the past, I was young, man, you know what I mean,
and the people themselves are also young.
Yeah, fine, you could be a little devious babe, you know, from the age of whatever,
(24:59):
and those girls have themselves to deal with, it's not really my business,
but now that I'm just older, wiser, God's on my side,
for real, for real I mean he always has been but I mean me even
including him in like the things that I include him
in and the extent to which I include him with
all these things I've definitely been navigating it
(25:20):
all just peacefully and whenever I feel tense about things
I really just pray to God I'm like okay let's let's unpack this let's
dress this up the way it's supposed to be dressed up because I don't want to
be feeding off of the insecurities and the trauma that I've experienced and
justifying it in the way that I can because I am also not only a conversationalist
(25:43):
but a master communicator.
And with that, I can really drag up words that are robust and super,
super, super, super, super, super, super pretty to listen to in justifying nonsense.
So because I know that that's a double-edged sword,
(26:04):
I really genuinely need to bring my God into the chat.
And it's been important for me, you guys, because like I said,
me building community is not just building communities outside of myself.
It's building communities and a community for myself.
And I am so intentional about it.
And it matters so much to me that even my shedding seasons have been so hectic, like so hectic.
(26:31):
And I felt like a lot for me. but they've been extremely necessary and the only
reason I'm bringing that in is because,
community matters to me who I love matters to me and my friendships matter to
me and everything in between that I care about matters to me and if I decide
to bring those worlds together.
I don't want to be in a space where I'm doubting and curious and always like
(26:55):
cynical because that literally is unpeaceful like I would be tripping have you
guys seen what tripping actually looks like.
Tripping with your friend that is going to be mad at her man or her babe for
not responding for three hours.
To think that three hours is such a measly time. To
(27:15):
really think actually another fact is that hey
we all have lives and so do our people and
unfortunately although we may fall high on the
priority list there are so many other things
that need to be be done before you
responded to or that should be done before
you responded to even if it's not
(27:36):
actual things like actually filling
out your accounting book just allowing people
the space to live life the way
they want and see how they include you in their
life and taking it from there instead of being like so
forceful with the way that you're integrated in
the beginning I feel like I've also learned in
(27:58):
just calming down and relaxing it's just to let
it be like do your thing let me see how you move then I'll tell from there and
although that is a completely different conversation which we are definitely
going to get into at some other stage my point is just there's so many layers
and levels to being calm and enjoying yourself in a moment and enjoying your community.
(28:21):
And I think that it's been important for me to cultivate a community of the
right people, people I care about, people I love and people I trust,
because the truth is you can't trust everyone.
The Bible itself tells us not to trust in human beings or put our trust in man.
Some of Jesus' disciples, mainly Judas, who he loved, betrayed him.
(28:46):
I don't know about you guys, but I know I'm not above G.O.D..
Definitely not above anyone else in this world, and I'm definitely not above
my experiences in that regard.
I'm just a human being dealing with other human beings, and all of us are driven by different things.
All of us are motivated by different things. All of us want to do different things.
(29:07):
And because there's so much difference in it, I could never assume it insinuates
anything until now, unless I have proof.
Proof but I don't know if I'm willing to wait for proof
to cut you off like these days I will check
like I check with the little things like I'm so observant and
yeah it might be a bit cynical might be a bit crazy but I
honestly comfort myself so much in the fact that I
(29:28):
don't act up or act out I just think these things I
just think these things like I'm not like screaming at people I'm not
I'm just like thinking I'm like okay observing thinking boxing
together and I don't
know maybe a part of it is honestly just like a part that is afraid to
lose control but at the same time going back to what I said
like the discourse that is going on that just
(29:50):
has been passed on from generation to generation that you know
women we can take preventative steps from losing our partners
like maybe my thinking like
that is another form of preventative step like should we
take preventative steps I don't know I don't even
know if they would even work I think that some
things are definitely like functional and I
(30:10):
think some things are they have like a positive
role well not even positive but they'll have an effect like I just think some
things are practical and they can work and I also think there's that like large
gray area of realizing and understanding that human beings have free will people
will do what they want to do.
(30:31):
And it's not always about you and the things that tie us to
ourselves and the things that hold us down the things that may be
passed on may be taught but ultimately
are things that we want to hold on to are things that we want to
care about the things that we do care about and although
some values are taught and need to be like instilled and
reinforced other things you just
(30:53):
really will pick up either as you go just not at all and I
think that's why I'm just not trying to waste time acting like
someone who needs to tame someone and
moving like someone who needs to reel things in
you know what I mean like I'm just trying to I'm just trying to live I just
want to live and love and I don't want to think too much when I'm around my
friends and I don't want to think too much and I'm around my partner and I don't
(31:15):
want to think extra when I'm around all of them together because I do definitely
understand the nuance of how that makes you a bad friend if If you're always
suspecting of the people you love,
because this babe in the podcast put it so well,
I think her name's Alexia. She put it so well when she was like.
It's degrading to even your friend and to you that your primary thought would
(31:38):
be that they are trying to jump on your person.
Like, you know what I mean? Like, it really just takes away even their true
thinking capacity and their self-control and also just,
I know it pains them as these lustful beasts that are just waiting for you to
leave and then they're just going to pounce on each other.
(32:00):
Like it's so multi-layered and I can definitely
understand the hurt that comes from it and I
can also understand people that may even cut friends off after being
accused and it's not true it's so
it's a lot it's like it's it's honestly just a
lot like all of it is it's plenty it's plenty
it's plenty and I just think that with all
(32:20):
of that as someone who has been burnt in that way I'm definitely
a cautious babe like I'm definitely not just laying back
and just being like whatever but I can see that
I've relaxed a lot more and I think it's mainly because I prayed about
it and also realized that at the end of the
day people do what they want to do I won't die
if I'm being cheated on unfortunately like I actually
(32:41):
will not die and I'm better than that as well
like I'm better than to stay around in a space like that and I'm not saying
that people that stay with cheaters are not better than that I just know for
a fact that after trial and error after staying when someone has done that kind
of whack thing to me or just like portrayed me in a way that's very similar
(33:02):
given the states of our relationship respectively.
I don't thrive in that like I don't thrive in that like I lose
myself in that and it's just not great to
stay with someone that has done that to me
I've experienced that for myself and I know for a fact it's not great it's
not sustainable and it's just not going to go anywhere so we might as well cut
the cameras and that's why I'm better than that I'm better for that as well
(33:25):
because I just know like because I've tried it I've definitely tried it I've
stayed with a cheater I've stayed with someone who stepped out I've definitely
stayed with someone who's done the
shittiest shit. Like I'm stuck around.
Like guys, I made sure that, like every ride I've been on, I made sure that
I rode it out until I was done, child.
(33:46):
I've been on these damn rides, bro. And I can tell you, it's not for me.
So what do I do? If I know, okay, cool. If this were to happen and I were to
find out, I know what step I take.
Praise God, right now in this stage of life, I don't have a child,
which makes it even easier and better later and I feel
even more empowered to walk away from situations or
(34:09):
relationships or situations that just
won't be serving me via white betrayal hell no
both male or female and ultimately it
really comes down to people I think we also need to understand that there's
only so much we could do as people and it's way less
than we even think we can do things but the
effects are things that we cannot control the outcome of these
(34:30):
things that something we can't control so through understanding
that it's made me definitely calmer and just wanting to
just be my best hot girl self like not worrying
about other people genuinely and this pulls over into so many other
facets of life generally and these are chats that
we can have as well but just understanding that my focus should be me my temple
(34:51):
my relationship with myself my relationship with my god number one then people
around me like that's what matters to me and there's more peace in that that.
But of course, my boo thing matters to me. And there's the normal fear and feelings
of just, I don't want to lose this person.
You don't want to lose the people you love and you especially don't want to
(35:12):
lose them to other people.
Because I think death is one of the most inevitable things. But it's one of
those things that we never think about when it comes to losing romantic partners.
I mean, we do watch that movie or maybe even when you think about it,
you're like, I hope this person doesn't die.
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's that. but I mean
genuinely like when people have when people think
about losing their people so a lot of the time it's about losing them
(35:35):
to other people so I don't want
to live like that I don't want to think like that the whole time I just especially when
it's people I love especially when it's just a bunch of my friends
and my person I want to be like no my person enjoys
conversation I know they're a
conversationalist so when they're chatting to my
other friend who's a yappa and who has who likes to
(35:56):
chat as well or even if they don't but seeing
that my person is making that effort seeing that
my friend is making that effort loving god for that
loving god for the power of conversation the strength
of conversation that linking thing instead of.
Always thinking that someone trying to get their leg back with me
like it's just more exhausting to
(36:16):
be stressed about that and not unreal
if you do like it's so flippant real if you
do because like I said I didn't say I trust everyone but
I've definitely built a better relationship with
myself and trusting myself and how
I would handle things and most importantly trusting
(36:36):
my God to reveal and protect period the
rest is his everything else I'm only in control of quite frankly what I'm but
my next step may be like literally where I'm going to head to after this that's
what I can that's what I have free choice over I free will over so many things
but in terms of the outcomes and the actions of other people I unfortunately
I don't and I think it's more important to focus on like.
(37:00):
What my response would be and what it's more likely to be as compared to what
other people are going to be focused on because I don't know if it even matters
for real I genuinely don't even think it even matters for real.
So with that being said, I don't know. Am I a bad friend? I don't think so.
I think I'm someone who's experienced life and I'm not going to act like I haven't
(37:23):
just because love exists. Are you kidding me?
Please, please.
But I'm really genuinely excited about the friendships that I have now.
I'm excited about the friends I have now. I'm happy about the friends I have now. And.
I'm even more excited about the blessings God is just going to continue to throw
(37:45):
onto me via community, via interactions, because those are really the things
that recharge and refuel me.
Like I love a good interaction with someone great.
You guys don't understand, and I don't even know how to fully explain it.
But just being able to chill with someone and just chat to them and have a cool
convo, it just leaves me feeling inspired about life and excited.
(38:06):
No matter the conversation if it's just something that goes like we were having
a conversation where your thoughts are being shared and my thoughts are being
shared and we're having that that always just leaves me feeling connected to
that person in some way and I think that's another reason why,
I've been able to soften when it comes to the way that my partners interact
with my friends I was never one to police but after my little experiences I
(38:31):
started becoming a bit like a bit more like cynical.
And I don't know if I ever expressed that to the guys I was seeing after that,
the people I would see after that.
I don't know if I expressed it much, but I remember like just chilling a bit
because I'm like, I love to have a good conversation and it's also genuinely not floating 90%.
(38:52):
Because a girl's gotta eat, okay? But genuinely,
like I was just having conversations with people, no sex in mind,
no hooking up in mind, nothing in mind just for the sake of I'm a person who
wants to chat and connect and everyone else is you know taking a million shots
and I've taken my thousand and I'm done but right now you know like I just want
(39:14):
to chat to someone or just like.
Connect and understanding that about myself and
being real with myself about it and also appreciating it has
had me appreciate that quality in other people and so
it's made me realize that it's not always shady
it's made me calm with that and it's also
been comforting to know that because I know
(39:34):
I'm not trying to jump onto every pony and every poness so
it's like hey like yeah
maybe you know it's actually a real possibility and reality quite
frankly that there are other people like me so yeah
I think it's just it's just all these realizations and many things
that have just helped me soften but it
(39:55):
hasn't completely like left my mind I don't think it ever will and I don't think
it should I think it's good to also work from a point of wisdom through experience
as well not everything is just going to be something you just get you know some
things you're going to have to experience more than once for you to understand that it kind
of has to be a part of your own paradigms and
(40:17):
your own thought constructions when
it comes to certain things and drawing certain boundaries because
you then also know and are aware of the things that may trigger you or the things
that may be crossing a boundary that was crossed before that may have been seen
as normal but isn't normal and so just understanding how you react to things
(40:38):
I think is so important because it then helps you to communicate those things.
Because, of course, master communicator, I'm super big on communication and
I'm big on chatting and translating things in ways that...
Are receptive and bear in mind the
first point of contact isn't always going to be that way right like
(40:59):
trust me it's not always going to
be this oh just because you said this while i love
and hug you no communication and initiating communication
and a conversation that is a bit tough that can
be perceived as tough isn't always going to be easy but it's
going to be necessary and i think it's important for us to also
just know ourselves more so that we're
(41:19):
able to communicate ourselves ourselves better not communicate
for ourselves but communicate who we are and what we
are better to those that we're going to be sharing
our lives with and sharing our hearts with in any capacity
so that they know how to handle your heart well and if
they care they will consider those things
and if they don't then I guess the relationship ends
(41:40):
and that's fine that is fine
also you know what I mean like it's also very okay if
that happens but the aim is not for that to happen and
the aim is to strengthen our communities not keep on shuffling people and
I think because of this
conversation just like the bad friends thing it
stuck out to me more because I'm quite conscious and active especially as of
(42:04):
late as of this year of being just a better friend because I knew I'm not perfect
and I've also had just realizations and also people calling me out on things like.
Friends at least, just calling me out on things and addressing things that have
made me have to look within myself and be honest about, damn, like, what is this?
(42:27):
Where does this come from? Or, hey, this may have landed this way.
And just a rounded conversation with myself and my God and unpacking and wanting
to address these things.
And I think that the bad friends thing and that one specific,
you know, point of hers was real.
And it had me just think more about mine and want to share about like,
hey, like I've had experiences like this too. And I don't think it's like,
(42:50):
great it's not fun to experience that and naturally
because it's not fun that kind of means it
can be a bit traumatic which kind of means
it kind of sticks around like for a very long
time which kind of means it can affect the
way you act and move and just the way that you are which
kind of means how do I avoid this like how do I navigate
(43:12):
this and also my goal
and to be a good friend it's tricky
but i've been you know working on that and
ensuring that i do hold space for
my experiences and react accordingly but i also want that to be within reasonability
and not in ways that are fucking ridiculous where no one's gonna wanna mess
(43:37):
with me no one's gonna wanna hang out with me and my man because i'll trip now
i'm not trying to be that girl because Because the truth is,
I think it's also important,
like I said, to just be in a relationship or relationships that,
you know, communities that you feel safe in.
And just leaning into that instead of whiling out.
But it's never easy. It's always easier said than done. Always easier said than done.
(44:00):
But it's me to me. Like, I'm chatting to myself as well in this episode.
It's not even a to you guys on some.
Hey, guys, here's some tips. because i think my other episodes have also just
been about that like hey this is
what i experienced it's like a lesson i have and i want
to share with you guys but it's just literally a chat of
mine about a chat of mine but yeah i guess that's
what we are are we bad friends are we not i don't know what you guys think let
(44:23):
me know in the dms just like send your vn to the dms and let me know like what
you think about this topic like where you stand with it how you see your friends
how you view your friends in relation to your partner,
what you view those kinds of communities. Do you prefer like.
An isolated model where each compartment is
(44:44):
different and people when you get together for the wedding and big
celebrations what does that look like for you
you know I think for me it's it continues
to shift which I love and I allow and I
embrace but moreover I
think the core of it is pretty much the same like I like a little
combined thing I'm not saying our lives have
(45:05):
to be intertwined to the extent that every single time you're
having something my friends and my a whole tribe
comes if I'm having something vice versa with
you as my partner but just like I want
my partner to know my friends and my friends to know my partner and I want there
to be conversations I want it to be when we're all
hanging out conversations can happen and people can chill out
(45:26):
and just be chilled you know what I mean like I don't need to create strong
best friend relationships over the board but I do love the existence of a healthy
dynamic and a fun dynamic and a dynamic where my person's good qualities are
also seen and not just heard via my anecdotes, right?
And not seen for my glorification, but just so they can also continue establishing
(45:51):
themselves as an individual who loves me and not just as this guy or this girl
that just loves me. You know what I mean? Like someone that...
Is and then loves me and I think that's pretty cool and
I think that's a beautiful sentiment that I've just always held
and it's the first time I ever articulated it in that way but yeah this really
(46:11):
like I love who I love so much and I don't like the idea and the thought of
them being absorbed into who I am and that's also mainly because I don't like
the idea of being absorbed into someone else and so just that beautiful interplay between our lives
intertwining but also our individuality growing
and still being dominant I think it's just
(46:31):
made me continue to want to thrive in
every and any relationship I'm in but also have the person
by my side who I can
hold hands with and who I can sit across
the table from my friends or their friends and just have a good ass time over
a few glasses of wine and a good meal like Like I want that and I love that
(46:55):
idea of life and I want to be able to go to the bathroom and not worry,
not because, oh my God, I've done all this work in therapy, but because I can
genuinely trust these people.
Maybe even because I've done all this work by myself and thought about it and
calmed down, but just holistically,
I just want to check out the
(47:18):
boxes that are just going going to have me be a good
friend but also kind to myself and be nice to
my partner so that I'm not riding out and tripping on them as to
why they were smiling too hard like stuff like
that I just don't I don't have time for them now and I
don't want to make time for them generally like I just don't like
it's just also way more stressful to just be
(47:39):
certain ways and I think that's why I'm also so big on rethinking about certain
paradigms and just talking through and working through certain paradigms because
when we hold on to certain things and thoughts and schools of thoughts that
are so grown and so not established by you,
it becomes a bit difficult to then progress and.
(48:03):
With the dynamic nature of society
and people because you can never box people
avatars are scary like boxing people
is scary because it's often just
not perfect like not
like 99% is kind of just like always more to people and things and situations
(48:27):
and so I can't waste my time stressing about putting up certain guardrails over
my partner so that they don't hook up with my friend or on my friend so that
they don't hook up with my partner.
If they wanted to, they would. And we need to stop seeing that as only something
applicable into guilting partners into doing the things that we want them to
(48:52):
do or just doing specific things with no nuance,
no grace, no understanding of even their
position i mean generally with anything and
everything if someone wanted to they would so
there's that but i 100
love love and i love relationships and i love friendships and i love the healthy
(49:13):
coinciding of those things and those layers and those dynamics so yeah this
is just me now this is where i'm at and i hope you guys just have a
beautiful beautiful beautiful day thinking about stuff and talking and having conversations.
(49:34):
And chatting to your partners as well like i think it's
also an interesting conversation to have with your partner taking yourself and your
emotions out of it it's just very interesting to navigate so yeah i
hope you guys just have fun in this life thing
and have these conversations with your friends so people also
kind of know what kind of no-go zones they
are in an open and calm way and not in a way where it's
(49:56):
like a confrontation of some sort but just
like allowing yourself and your conversations to
go there so that you guys have a better understanding of
yourselves in context and have a
better understanding of the people that you love in those contexts so yeah
that's a flow with those all about and with that loisolo your
favorite host south african babe in the us of a
(50:18):
very lovely to speak to you guys love you loads blessings
don't forget to pray don't forget God's just waiting for
you to knock and he will answer he'll be there cast all your burdens onto him
because he truly cares just as a matter of fact so yeah you guys love you loads
blessings and happy victorious blossoming.
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