September 5, 2024 • 28 mins
Welcome to another episode of "Flow With Lo" hosted by the amazing Loyiso Lo'. In this heartfelt and introspective episode, Loyiso delves into the nuances of faith, spirituality, and personal growth. She reflects on a recent conversation about low-maintenance friendships and how it ties into her own spiritual journey.
Loyiso shares candidly about the challenges she has faced, including moments of doubt, discomfort, and the struggle to maintain joy and peace.
This episode is a testament to the constant evolution of self and the power of faith in overcoming life's hurdles. My journey reminds me to constantly be resilient and not waver in trusting in God's plan. A reminder to be patient, graceful, and proactive in my spiritual endeavors.
Join Loyiso as she navigates the complexities of faith, offering insights and encouragement for anyone on a similar path. Don't forget to pray, stay blessed, and remember that God's got your back!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What's up, what's up, what's up you guys? Welcome to an episode of Flow With Low.
Let's try a new intro. Hi everyone, this is an episode of Flow With Low and
I'm your amazing host, Loisol Low. And this is my show.
I feel like I'll always add that, I will always add that to the intro.
But welcome everyone to my new listeners.
(00:22):
This is really a podcast about everything and almost anything thing but primarily
through the lens of the Jesus stand or Jesus stands when my co-host Zyanda joins me in their 20s.
So we've been got into the chat. Faith is definitely a huge theme of the Flow
Flow podcast and yeah it's fun. It's great. It's lovely.
(00:45):
I'm very happy to be here and no lie a few days ago sometime last week my sister
and I who's a co-host Z Money recorded
this episode and it was about low maintenance friendships which
had a bit about it because why not but
more importantly how it was definitely
giving the chat I'm
(01:08):
gonna have now and I'm gonna get into like it
will eventually tie in together but anyways we had it
about you know low maintenance friendships and you
know set up and recorded and went on and on and this
was after a prompt from a vn that
was sent to the dm so people are actually doing
that i don't know why you know i should feel
(01:30):
nervous about it because i did say it's a
safe space like i feel like low-key though i understand because
at the back of my own mind i have this like
sentiment that if you're nice to someone in the dms which i think is also very
normal or just reaching out then there's like this group chat that they're going
to send your interaction to or your engagement to and they're just going to
be laughing and ridiculing you I think that's always at the back of my mind
(01:53):
that's why I'm sorry like if I like your stuff I'm really going to keep it very.
Very calm and chilled and also just
over time I also realized that nothing's ever that deep where I
feel like I should dm someone at least not so
far so at least especially like if
I'm like fangirling like I don't really think there's anyone that really moves
(02:13):
my you know insides it's like that anymore i used to have many people i'd be
like oh my gosh wow great but now that's not the case but my point is just to
say that i'm not that person guys send your vms to the dms go to flow with luis
on instagram and send your vms to the dms,
So we responded to this prompt and it was a good friend of mine who sent it.
So of course, I had to make sure that that was number one prompt that we're listening to.
(02:36):
And we're kind of chatting about it, chatting about it. And throughout the conversation,
we were just clearly speaking a lot about our experiences.
And, you know, when her and I unpacked, it was so crazy how we were in synergy with it.
But for me, when I walked out of that conversation, I didn't feel as cathartic
as I had expected it to feel. because in the conversation itself,
(03:00):
like I was going in and just chatting and just like, yeah, but this isn't it.
And I touched on different topics that I feel I could relate to.
But the thing is, I feel that even what I did relate to in that session and
even what I was speaking off of and speaking on was an older version of myself.
(03:21):
Like was the more unhealed, angry, hurt.
Name and shame same kind of like oh
if this if you you are whatever you
know like you're not in my life whatever or like you were
in my life or like yeah you are in my life but you
know what I mean like very very reductive emotions
(03:41):
and I'm saying reductive because just was like it
just wasn't where I'm at right now and I haven't
been in that place for a long time but this episode that we're
just recording a few days ago took me back there and I felt
very like it just felt low vibrational it felt low
vibrational it felt where is God in this
and it's so crazy because so
(04:01):
much of my life has become that it's really
just like but where is God in this I just feel this internal discomfort when
I'm doing something purposeful I'm doing
something intentional I'm doing something just applying myself
and not really touching base
with okay where's my God in this what is God saying
about this and also through that perspective through
(04:23):
that lens and the reason it's become more uncomfortable
I think is because I'm really nurturing my relationship with the Holy Spirit
and God you know in my temple and I think when I stray away I feel it like literally
the discomfort is mad and I also read the Bible daily like I read my Bible daily
and of course like I'm human I feel or short.
(04:43):
It might not be consistent daily.
And so the word itself is really something that I have plastered on my heart
and it's something that I meditate on. And so I kind of.
Naturally, consistently become closer to God because I'm familiarizing myself
with his nature and how he shows up and understanding things more and coming
(05:04):
to conclusions of peace and moments of peace that still make me feel strong at the end of it.
And it just had me reflecting on just how much has changed from literally who
I used to be and who I'm actively becoming.
But the thing is, who I used to be is still who I am now.
And I don't know how to explain that That's sounding very complicated and making it sound complicated.
(05:29):
But what I basically mean is that I'm constantly evolving.
So this me today is going to be the old me in a week.
Because guys, you don't understand how this journey is so constant.
And I think many of you do, some of you may.
But for me, I just feel that I come to new realizations consistently.
(05:50):
Just when it comes to my journey with God and just my journey with faith,
faith itself as a as a concept and something that
I should have and embody in my relationship with God and
I feel that I really realizing
that it really is a daily walk like you don't reach a
place of like you don't reach a place of you've done all
the work it's done like it's not a course it's literally a journey
(06:12):
working with God is literally like life and
working with God in my life is a big thing so just realizing
that it's a daily thing it's daily effort it's daily
challenges as well as also daily
spiritual warfare I it's a
lot it's a lot and I think that it's not
a lot in the sense that it is overwhelming in this moment but I can say the
(06:37):
past few weeks for me have been feeling very very junky and very weird and very
like uncomfortable and I just felt very like unhappy spiritually to be honest
with you guys and it's not because I wasn't reading my my Bible daily.
It's not because I wasn't meditating daily, but I called myself out on it.
Like I wasn't actively pursuing the joyfulness and the goodness and the fun
(07:03):
that really comes with walking with God.
I think I was honestly for a long time meditating more on like.
My struggles and like what I'm currently experiencing and
like you know just magnifying my problems
and bringing them to God magnified and not
really bringing them to him on some dude this
(07:24):
is what it is let's move along it was like bringing them to him and
just like crying at his feet and just being sad about
the fact that they're even there and I think that's the thing like I didn't even realize
I was doing that like magnifying the problem more than
I am a magnifying God and I think a
part of me was honestly blindsided by this behavior not understanding
how consistent it was because I thought that
(07:44):
yeah sure like I know God I know my God like God will
cover things but I don't think I was actually applying that like
I wasn't actually applying that God's got it covered and
for me applying it really means acting and
walking in the peace and the joy that he has commanded me
to walk in because he's got everything covered it because he's
got me like he's got me like he just got
(08:07):
me period it was interesting to just kind of
call myself out on that because i didn't realize that's a mental shift i had
to do but i'm grateful to the holy spirit for just even revealing that
to me because it was just like a random thought i had i said
wow like i'm actually low-key like constantly not
okay and i wasn't actually displaying
it in ways that are typical and that's another way that.
(08:28):
The enemy kind of traps us because the closer we get to
god the wiser we naturally will become and so
there are some ways that you will easily
notice that okay cool this is the enemy but there are other
subtle ways that the enemy does weaponize the
things that we may struggle with or like may
have struggled with or just certain processes or
(08:49):
behaviors that we really have
like leaned on like in the past or
even like in the present but now in the present you're
more like interrogating it like you're just like no this doesn't
feel very aligned with who I'm becoming
it doesn't feel very aligned with peace and like calmness and just confidence
(09:10):
in what God's plan is for me it comes with a lot of yeah like I'm kind of fixated
on this I'm spending a lot of time on this and for me I think those are the
subtle ways that like doubt was creeping into my mind I found myself even at times honestly like.
Venting about things that I knew like I
had said just a few weeks before that that oh no like God's
(09:31):
got it covered but in that moment in this moment of like weakness
I get a vulnerability that's when I knew that in some things up I was just doubting
and I was just like expressing to my sister and a friend of ours I was just
like I don't know like I don't know if God's gonna come through and that was
wild because like I said a few weeks before that I was on some yeah no definitely
I'm I'm not even worried.
(09:52):
But I started magnifying, like I was just magnifying the issues.
I was magnifying the gaps. I was magnifying certain things that I really don't
have to be worried about because God's got me and God's got it covered.
So that was really the state I was in for a minute. I can long,
it feels like it was so long.
And I think to an extent it was like, it was like longer than what I was even
(10:14):
comfortable with because I felt the presence of God and I know God is always there.
God always shows up. but like my attitude and my
mood and just mentally it just wasn't
as easy although practically God was
clearly doing his thing and I could acknowledge and see and know that yeah this
is my Jesus but yeah there was just like that discord and that's just yeah just
(10:36):
what it looked like for me and it was just very uncomfortable but I'm in a place
now where I'm just like geez I'm living in the joy that God has given me and
just that intentionality of literally smiling in the the morning.
I read it a few years ago, but what really helps as well is if you just wake up and smile.
(10:56):
It doesn't have to be immediate, but just in the morning in the mirror,
even if you're not feeling great, just smile.
It kind of spreads that to your body. And if you do it, you'll know what I'm talking about.
So just do it so that you can know what I'm talking about. And just smiling and also just...
Looking at the silver lining and just like letting things roll off like really
being in tension about my joy and
(11:19):
having the willpower to actively act in
faith and move in faith and embody that
joy and I'm not talking about fake positivity I'm not
talking about ignoring the elephants in the room but I'm
having to realize and I had realized and
I'm saying as well that you need to realize that
the elephants in the room are not bigger than God and once you even submit
(11:40):
those same elephants to you God you'll realize that
you're a conqueror you're bigger than that God even
says himself we're more than conquerors like being on God's
side and God being on our side period is really signing us
up for success and I'm saying that because I
at no moment in my life can ever ever claim
that life does not get difficult for anyone the same
(12:02):
way the rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous is
the same way that life happens to both the righteous.
And the and righteous and to say that I just mean that
every human being is God's like every the earth
is is God's and because of this
we will have the natural ebbs and
flows of life but if I'm going to look at them and not
focus my gaze on God himself then it's going
(12:25):
to be difficult to even navigate life like it's going to be generally it's
going to be a difficult life I'll have and nothing will bring me
joy because I am focused on carrying the burdens of the world
which I have no no capacity to carry and never will and
that's why it's important for me to publicly and like openly
claim that God has my back there's a
lot of things that are done there's a lot that I do that
I'm just like oh no this is definitely not me this is not my power this is not
(12:49):
my influence it's really God and just also his general aim for me to be successful
in everything I do because he has set us up to do the good work that he has
prepared for us to do and so I'm just like I I should chill,
like I can chill and I should chill and I should be proactive and I can be proactive
about seeking God out when things are jonky.
(13:12):
Another way that I realized that I'm kind of tripping, honestly,
was guys like things were getting to me, like things were just getting to me
and I was acting in ways that I was familiar with.
But like I said, like it's the old me, like I'm like, no, this is not me coded.
This is not me coded at all. and that's because I'm also proudly and actively
(13:35):
acknowledging who I am in this moment and I have no shame and guilt of who I
was because I believe with me and my God like I repented to have meant to repent
to and I'm also very aware of the things and the corrective behavior and just.
Being aware man like I've been real with myself and not in a way to put myself
in jail but in a way to be like okay God help me fix it this is clearly a problem
(13:58):
this is clearly a thing And so I was just stepping into habits and hobbies that were very,
or like just behaviors, especially I would be like,
oh my gosh, you're explosive now.
Or like, okay, you're over communicating.
And I really do think there is an element of over communication in the way you're
(14:20):
communicating every little single thing that you are uncomfortable with and not okay with.
With now don't get me wrong I think communication is important but I do think
that it can be an overdone strengthen and I know that a lot of my lessons from
God are going to come into that sphere because comes is my thing communication
(14:42):
is my thing it's literally my being it's who I've always been and so.
Outside of pursuing a literal master's degree in it it's a gift of mine that
god has given me but it's the same gift that has been weaponized by the devil
by the enemy or just in general my ego,
my old self my flesh has tapped into that
(15:02):
to play with it in ways that
aren't going to benefit me or my salvation like it's
not going to help me grow it's just not the best
thing and another thing i noticed that i am obviously touching on
now is just that overdone strength of over communicating and so
the constant like bringing up like I said like every
single emotion you feel you're going to feel discomfort people
(15:25):
are going to upset you your partner's going to make you mad your sister
your brother like relationships that are close to
you that you invest in people are going to be upset and you're
also going to make them upset right and you're they're going to make
you upset but I think my point is just to say that there's a
danger in constantly pointing out the
log in people's eyes or like just pointing
(15:46):
out every single thing and every
single problem and not taking accountability for
our part in having to have the emotional maturity
and intelligence to appropriately compartmentalize and also process what it
is we're feeling so that we are also aware that we're not putting the emotional
(16:07):
labor on the other person and instead are also taking responsibility for the role we play.
To an extent with what we feel and in
what we feel and how we experience things and how
we process things like there's a huge accountability gap that
I feel is there in this new age of.
(16:28):
Communicating of establishing boundaries like people are
barely taking accountability and I think that's just an issue.
And I think I really found myself dabbling into that behavior where I'm.
Just like no like it's not me what I feel is.
A fact and what I feel isn't a fact yes it's true to
me and it's objective to me and it
is valid as well but the way I
(16:48):
process and communicate it is important and I find myself just
like really tapping into like y'all know pointing this
and this out and just being hypercritical and and hyper
analytical and just like you know
just doing that and I didn't like that I was
just like geez what is happening but instead of
just like god what is happening I was
(17:09):
instantly going to feel shame and I
was going to embarrassment and I was going to jeez like
feeling this heaviness and I eventually realized and
it was eventually it felt like after such a long time I just
like I don't like myself right now like I don't like where I'm at
I need to chat to God like I just
need to continue praying like I just need to continue praying about
(17:30):
it because I think there's just a lot that I need to
be addressing right now and I'm kind of
backsliding I guess in behavior and I didn't like that
like I didn't like it and I was very confused now there's
another element of it that I am on a contraceptive and
it will definitely influence my hormones but I'm
also like a sober babe right now like I haven't smoked weed in weeks and no
(17:54):
lie I have dabbled here and there and that isn't to say that like when you stop
you should dabble here and there I think it is obviously like me also just in
moments of weakness I just like let that happened. I just did my thing, to be honest.
But point is I've just been sober for most of it and I'm
feeling very great I'm just not doing it regularly whatever
and so I'm also just in
(18:17):
the season of sobriety and fully dealing with sensations
that I may have had to deal with before but because
I was also just so like baked all the
time and just like rushing in
between and always stressed out and just like I
i said like just in the state of like oh
god this is happening like i was definitely more
(18:39):
familiar with emotions and feelings that just had me not
activate at my best self or operate on my best self but
now it's like okay sobriety is in the picture and
then finally there's this hormonal thing but please god is above that like i
can be emotionally weird and aware and like
work on that or address it and yappa yappa yappa but my
point is just to say like there are many factors as well that
(19:00):
are influencing how I'm physiologically reacting to things
and so I gave myself grace as well because I'm
like I don't know what's happening to my body like things are
happening and this is how I'm feeling
but it's still important for me to not let the enemy take advantage of that
because the devil isn't sitting aside saying oh no she's on a bridge she's going
through enough no he stays waiting like a roaring lion to literally devour so
(19:23):
my God can't be down you know what I mean like at in at no point should I take
anything lightly at no point should I take.
Changes lightly or what's happening lightly because at the end of the day we're
not fighting against vision but we're fighting against principalities things
of the unseen world and so if i'm going to just like be all willy-nilly and
take things lightly my reactions to things my.
(19:45):
Over reactions to things my over communication in
certain elements where it's just being an overdone strength my you
know explosiveness like just like different things if I'm
gonna give into that and not take it seriously then it's
going to cost me and like genuinely I felt that way I
just felt like this is heavy this is
a lot I need to deal with it now and
(20:08):
truthfully it took a while for me to get there
because I don't know what it is I really don't
know but I'm also not going to to be too hard on myself because it's life right
like the journey even with God is really just really constantly and
daily understanding and realizing that I need him
and I need to rely on him for everything and so
I got into moments of like actually let me pray
(20:29):
about this ask my sister to pray for me as well because
I just love bringing people in just so they can think
of me and pray for me in that petition as well to God this
is something I'm serious about there's something I believe God can work on
and I'd love more hands on deck and so I asked
her to pray for me as well but I obviously took it upon myself as
when I'm praying and I'm just like worshiping more and just really
(20:51):
tuning into God and also bear in mind the joy
thing I spoke about about walking faith walking joy so despite what
I'm feeling and despite what I'm praying for I'm still
simultaneously intention about what walking faith
walking in joy something else has come up now yes.
There's something else i have to pray for and it feels like it's a
lot of stuff but i'm praying for it you know what i mean like i just like i
(21:14):
have to balance these things out and i think it's possible with god of course
it's possible god because he gives us gentia so i'm just like you know just
trying to balance it all out i'm just trying to balance it all out.
All out it was a lot it was a.
Lot it was a lot but yeah
(21:34):
I just started praying and that really helped a lot like just
tuning into God and remembering his promises and also
remembering his commands that I have to go to him I can't worry
about anything I need to go to him about everything because also
after realizing and just like not liking myself for a
bit I was just like jeez I don't feel good like I'm
just like oh so downtrodden but I was like why am I worried about
(21:54):
this like why am I so worried about my image and I can go to my maker
and chat to him and like we work through it that's
another thing about working with God it's that you genuinely are
working on becoming better like you become a
better person because you're denying the selfish desires of your
flesh and you're becoming who God wants you to be and I'm
honestly very proud of the person I'm
(22:16):
becoming and I'm very happy that the Bible is
my guide because there's so much consistency but there's also
so much peace that I can't describe and
there's like a calmness that comes with
walking with God and wanting to embody him and wanting to
embody what the Bible says and just like following certain things because I
also see so much life in the word I experience so much life in the word after
(22:40):
I've processed it and even when I read it so I'm just like I'm calm with it
like I've picked a side and I'm calm and I don't mind becoming that person of
course it's uncomfortable Of course,
at times I'm popping up and like at times it's difficult to just kind of detach
yourself from behaviors and things that you're so familiar with.
Like things that you never thought you'd have to be without.
(23:01):
But it's also so much better.
It's such a great place to be in. Like, it's such a great place to be in.
So, yeah, like me personally...
That's just the way I'm at. So I just spoke to my God and I prayed more intentionally
and I was specific and I pray in the middle of the night as well because I don't do that much.
I didn't do that often. I used to do it a lot more when I was in high school for sure.
(23:26):
But it just wasn't, it stopped becoming a thing. And so I tapped back into it
because I was like, yeah, no, this is really against principalities.
I need to stop playing around. and so yeah praying you
know just waking up to pray my body also just wakes
up and I go to the bathroom a lot at night so I just in those
moments I'm also praying like just you know chatting to God
(23:47):
journaling as well going back to journaling religiously
I used to journal so many times in the day and now I'm back to
doing it and I'm so happy it has really also
just helped and in that like I also just think
about things and meditate on the word because I know it and
like I just like writes and of course I don't know the whole bible but
just just that flow and things like I just
(24:08):
feel God chat to me I just feel closer to him and I feel more proud and
happy and also now what has
changed from then till now it hasn't even been that long
I can't even say it's been a week of me doing that it's just been a few days
but I can really see the active change in myself and I can really see the difference
in behavior so now I'm even taking more time like actual time to think about
(24:29):
things and process things and not be as active and explosive but instead I'm
just like Like, okay, cool. Like, what am I feeling right now?
Where is this coming from? This isn't good. Okay, cool. God, come into the chat.
And then I remember the word and I reinforce my faith and, you know,
what I'm feeling and just fortifying
myself with the word. Because if it's not great, it's not of God.
(24:49):
So I'm just like, okay, cool. Like, I need to generally actively counter this
and I need to be intentional about thinking the right things and processing
the right things. and even the habits I engage in, like making sure that.
All of it is really cultivating the relationship I not only have with God,
(25:09):
but that I will have with those around me in extension and that I'm just in
harmony with where I'm meant to be and who I'm meant to be.
And I feel like I don't want things like pride to sway me.
I don't want things like, you know, over communication to spoil me.
Like, I really just want to be calm.
I don't want to walk away from situations and things and people or like events,
(25:32):
just generally anything and feel terrible about myself
and I think I feel terrible about myself and I've clearly
strayed through my behavior through my speech from
what me and God speak about and what we like meditate
on and what I've meditated on and revelations that I have been revealed to me
like when I tap back into those behaviors that I've actually repented against
(25:52):
and like spoken about like I said with God it's getting uncomfortable in my
body so yeah that's just what I've been going through for the past few weeks,
I'd say like spiritual discomfort because I was,
I don't know, it's just, it happens, right?
Like we're still us in a way. And I think that we tend to tap into,
like I've been saying throughout this episode, just like habits and behaviors we're used to.
(26:16):
Sometimes worry will stay in our mind and we don't even realize it.
We think God and worry can't coexist in our bodies. And.
Point is to bring it to God the point is not to elevate what I'm going through
or like for how I'm feeling about myself which isn't great it's to bring it
all to God not focusing on the problem but focusing on my maker he's got it
covered he said he'll handle it even in Isaiah.
(26:41):
45 verse 2 he says I will
go before you and will level the mountains I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron and that for me is just first of all just even
those materials are so difficult to just work with and get cut more more importantly
more than anything and then God is telling me that he's going to level the mountains
mountains are the rockiest things,
(27:02):
they're one of the rockiest like even uneven quite frankly elements of nature
and God says he will level the mountains I have nothing to worry about like
I just need to trust that he has gone before me because it is true I just need
to be like acting it's like moving that faith move
with that and i think with that there's way more confidence in me walking with
(27:23):
god and i just need to be proactive and serious about nurturing our relationship and not just expecting.
This like random burst of faith to
fall upon me i it's a work it's work
like it really takes work and it takes work i
guess like that's really just the point and something i've recently just
(27:43):
learned in this journey but yeah that's
just me and i'm so happy i got to chat to you guys about it because
i've been wanting to chat about it and it just
what it is it's all with god it's not easy but it's
one of the best decisions i could have made for myself because
when i tell you guys the peace that is in my
(28:03):
heart it's mad but yeah
love you loads don't forget to pray god's got
your back and be patient with yourself be graceful with yourself extend those
things to yourself because when God tells us to embody the love and the grace
it's not just for other people it's for ourselves as well to understand that
when we activate those parts of ourselves that is God doing a work from your
(28:25):
favorite host stay blessed.
What's up, what's up, what's up you guys? Welcome to an episode of Flow With Low.
Let's try a new intro. Hi everyone, this is an episode of Flow With Low and
I'm your amazing host, Loisol Low. And this is my show.
I feel like I'll always add that, I will always add that to the intro.
But welcome everyone to my new listeners.
(00:22):
This is really a podcast about everything and almost anything thing but primarily
through the lens of the Jesus stand or Jesus stands when my co-host Zyanda joins me in their 20s.
So we've been got into the chat. Faith is definitely a huge theme of the Flow
Flow podcast and yeah it's fun. It's great. It's lovely.
(00:45):
I'm very happy to be here and no lie a few days ago sometime last week my sister
and I who's a co-host Z Money recorded
this episode and it was about low maintenance friendships which
had a bit about it because why not but
more importantly how it was definitely
giving the chat I'm
(01:08):
gonna have now and I'm gonna get into like it
will eventually tie in together but anyways we had it
about you know low maintenance friendships and you
know set up and recorded and went on and on and this
was after a prompt from a vn that
was sent to the dm so people are actually doing
that i don't know why you know i should feel
(01:30):
nervous about it because i did say it's a
safe space like i feel like low-key though i understand because
at the back of my own mind i have this like
sentiment that if you're nice to someone in the dms which i think is also very
normal or just reaching out then there's like this group chat that they're going
to send your interaction to or your engagement to and they're just going to
be laughing and ridiculing you I think that's always at the back of my mind
(01:53):
that's why I'm sorry like if I like your stuff I'm really going to keep it very.
Very calm and chilled and also just
over time I also realized that nothing's ever that deep where I
feel like I should dm someone at least not so
far so at least especially like if
I'm like fangirling like I don't really think there's anyone that really moves
(02:13):
my you know insides it's like that anymore i used to have many people i'd be
like oh my gosh wow great but now that's not the case but my point is just to
say that i'm not that person guys send your vms to the dms go to flow with luis
on instagram and send your vms to the dms,
So we responded to this prompt and it was a good friend of mine who sent it.
So of course, I had to make sure that that was number one prompt that we're listening to.
(02:36):
And we're kind of chatting about it, chatting about it. And throughout the conversation,
we were just clearly speaking a lot about our experiences.
And, you know, when her and I unpacked, it was so crazy how we were in synergy with it.
But for me, when I walked out of that conversation, I didn't feel as cathartic
as I had expected it to feel. because in the conversation itself,
(03:00):
like I was going in and just chatting and just like, yeah, but this isn't it.
And I touched on different topics that I feel I could relate to.
But the thing is, I feel that even what I did relate to in that session and
even what I was speaking off of and speaking on was an older version of myself.
(03:21):
Like was the more unhealed, angry, hurt.
Name and shame same kind of like oh
if this if you you are whatever you
know like you're not in my life whatever or like you were
in my life or like yeah you are in my life but you
know what I mean like very very reductive emotions
(03:41):
and I'm saying reductive because just was like it
just wasn't where I'm at right now and I haven't
been in that place for a long time but this episode that we're
just recording a few days ago took me back there and I felt
very like it just felt low vibrational it felt low
vibrational it felt where is God in this
and it's so crazy because so
(04:01):
much of my life has become that it's really
just like but where is God in this I just feel this internal discomfort when
I'm doing something purposeful I'm doing
something intentional I'm doing something just applying myself
and not really touching base
with okay where's my God in this what is God saying
about this and also through that perspective through
(04:23):
that lens and the reason it's become more uncomfortable
I think is because I'm really nurturing my relationship with the Holy Spirit
and God you know in my temple and I think when I stray away I feel it like literally
the discomfort is mad and I also read the Bible daily like I read my Bible daily
and of course like I'm human I feel or short.
(04:43):
It might not be consistent daily.
And so the word itself is really something that I have plastered on my heart
and it's something that I meditate on. And so I kind of.
Naturally, consistently become closer to God because I'm familiarizing myself
with his nature and how he shows up and understanding things more and coming
(05:04):
to conclusions of peace and moments of peace that still make me feel strong at the end of it.
And it just had me reflecting on just how much has changed from literally who
I used to be and who I'm actively becoming.
But the thing is, who I used to be is still who I am now.
And I don't know how to explain that That's sounding very complicated and making it sound complicated.
(05:29):
But what I basically mean is that I'm constantly evolving.
So this me today is going to be the old me in a week.
Because guys, you don't understand how this journey is so constant.
And I think many of you do, some of you may.
But for me, I just feel that I come to new realizations consistently.
(05:50):
Just when it comes to my journey with God and just my journey with faith,
faith itself as a as a concept and something that
I should have and embody in my relationship with God and
I feel that I really realizing
that it really is a daily walk like you don't reach a
place of like you don't reach a place of you've done all
the work it's done like it's not a course it's literally a journey
(06:12):
working with God is literally like life and
working with God in my life is a big thing so just realizing
that it's a daily thing it's daily effort it's daily
challenges as well as also daily
spiritual warfare I it's a
lot it's a lot and I think that it's not
a lot in the sense that it is overwhelming in this moment but I can say the
(06:37):
past few weeks for me have been feeling very very junky and very weird and very
like uncomfortable and I just felt very like unhappy spiritually to be honest
with you guys and it's not because I wasn't reading my my Bible daily.
It's not because I wasn't meditating daily, but I called myself out on it.
Like I wasn't actively pursuing the joyfulness and the goodness and the fun
(07:03):
that really comes with walking with God.
I think I was honestly for a long time meditating more on like.
My struggles and like what I'm currently experiencing and
like you know just magnifying my problems
and bringing them to God magnified and not
really bringing them to him on some dude this
(07:24):
is what it is let's move along it was like bringing them to him and
just like crying at his feet and just being sad about
the fact that they're even there and I think that's the thing like I didn't even realize
I was doing that like magnifying the problem more than
I am a magnifying God and I think a
part of me was honestly blindsided by this behavior not understanding
how consistent it was because I thought that
(07:44):
yeah sure like I know God I know my God like God will
cover things but I don't think I was actually applying that like
I wasn't actually applying that God's got it covered and
for me applying it really means acting and
walking in the peace and the joy that he has commanded me
to walk in because he's got everything covered it because he's
got me like he's got me like he just got
(08:07):
me period it was interesting to just kind of
call myself out on that because i didn't realize that's a mental shift i had
to do but i'm grateful to the holy spirit for just even revealing that
to me because it was just like a random thought i had i said
wow like i'm actually low-key like constantly not
okay and i wasn't actually displaying
it in ways that are typical and that's another way that.
(08:28):
The enemy kind of traps us because the closer we get to
god the wiser we naturally will become and so
there are some ways that you will easily
notice that okay cool this is the enemy but there are other
subtle ways that the enemy does weaponize the
things that we may struggle with or like may
have struggled with or just certain processes or
(08:49):
behaviors that we really have
like leaned on like in the past or
even like in the present but now in the present you're
more like interrogating it like you're just like no this doesn't
feel very aligned with who I'm becoming
it doesn't feel very aligned with peace and like calmness and just confidence
(09:10):
in what God's plan is for me it comes with a lot of yeah like I'm kind of fixated
on this I'm spending a lot of time on this and for me I think those are the
subtle ways that like doubt was creeping into my mind I found myself even at times honestly like.
Venting about things that I knew like I
had said just a few weeks before that that oh no like God's
(09:31):
got it covered but in that moment in this moment of like weakness
I get a vulnerability that's when I knew that in some things up I was just doubting
and I was just like expressing to my sister and a friend of ours I was just
like I don't know like I don't know if God's gonna come through and that was
wild because like I said a few weeks before that I was on some yeah no definitely
I'm I'm not even worried.
(09:52):
But I started magnifying, like I was just magnifying the issues.
I was magnifying the gaps. I was magnifying certain things that I really don't
have to be worried about because God's got me and God's got it covered.
So that was really the state I was in for a minute. I can long,
it feels like it was so long.
And I think to an extent it was like, it was like longer than what I was even
(10:14):
comfortable with because I felt the presence of God and I know God is always there.
God always shows up. but like my attitude and my
mood and just mentally it just wasn't
as easy although practically God was
clearly doing his thing and I could acknowledge and see and know that yeah this
is my Jesus but yeah there was just like that discord and that's just yeah just
(10:36):
what it looked like for me and it was just very uncomfortable but I'm in a place
now where I'm just like geez I'm living in the joy that God has given me and
just that intentionality of literally smiling in the the morning.
I read it a few years ago, but what really helps as well is if you just wake up and smile.
(10:56):
It doesn't have to be immediate, but just in the morning in the mirror,
even if you're not feeling great, just smile.
It kind of spreads that to your body. And if you do it, you'll know what I'm talking about.
So just do it so that you can know what I'm talking about. And just smiling and also just...
Looking at the silver lining and just like letting things roll off like really
being in tension about my joy and
(11:19):
having the willpower to actively act in
faith and move in faith and embody that
joy and I'm not talking about fake positivity I'm not
talking about ignoring the elephants in the room but I'm
having to realize and I had realized and
I'm saying as well that you need to realize that
the elephants in the room are not bigger than God and once you even submit
(11:40):
those same elephants to you God you'll realize that
you're a conqueror you're bigger than that God even
says himself we're more than conquerors like being on God's
side and God being on our side period is really signing us
up for success and I'm saying that because I
at no moment in my life can ever ever claim
that life does not get difficult for anyone the same
(12:02):
way the rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous is
the same way that life happens to both the righteous.
And the and righteous and to say that I just mean that
every human being is God's like every the earth
is is God's and because of this
we will have the natural ebbs and
flows of life but if I'm going to look at them and not
focus my gaze on God himself then it's going
(12:25):
to be difficult to even navigate life like it's going to be generally it's
going to be a difficult life I'll have and nothing will bring me
joy because I am focused on carrying the burdens of the world
which I have no no capacity to carry and never will and
that's why it's important for me to publicly and like openly
claim that God has my back there's a
lot of things that are done there's a lot that I do that
I'm just like oh no this is definitely not me this is not my power this is not
(12:49):
my influence it's really God and just also his general aim for me to be successful
in everything I do because he has set us up to do the good work that he has
prepared for us to do and so I'm just like I I should chill,
like I can chill and I should chill and I should be proactive and I can be proactive
about seeking God out when things are jonky.
(13:12):
Another way that I realized that I'm kind of tripping, honestly,
was guys like things were getting to me, like things were just getting to me
and I was acting in ways that I was familiar with.
But like I said, like it's the old me, like I'm like, no, this is not me coded.
This is not me coded at all. and that's because I'm also proudly and actively
(13:35):
acknowledging who I am in this moment and I have no shame and guilt of who I
was because I believe with me and my God like I repented to have meant to repent
to and I'm also very aware of the things and the corrective behavior and just.
Being aware man like I've been real with myself and not in a way to put myself
in jail but in a way to be like okay God help me fix it this is clearly a problem
(13:58):
this is clearly a thing And so I was just stepping into habits and hobbies that were very,
or like just behaviors, especially I would be like,
oh my gosh, you're explosive now.
Or like, okay, you're over communicating.
And I really do think there is an element of over communication in the way you're
(14:20):
communicating every little single thing that you are uncomfortable with and not okay with.
With now don't get me wrong I think communication is important but I do think
that it can be an overdone strengthen and I know that a lot of my lessons from
God are going to come into that sphere because comes is my thing communication
(14:42):
is my thing it's literally my being it's who I've always been and so.
Outside of pursuing a literal master's degree in it it's a gift of mine that
god has given me but it's the same gift that has been weaponized by the devil
by the enemy or just in general my ego,
my old self my flesh has tapped into that
(15:02):
to play with it in ways that
aren't going to benefit me or my salvation like it's
not going to help me grow it's just not the best
thing and another thing i noticed that i am obviously touching on
now is just that overdone strength of over communicating and so
the constant like bringing up like I said like every
single emotion you feel you're going to feel discomfort people
(15:25):
are going to upset you your partner's going to make you mad your sister
your brother like relationships that are close to
you that you invest in people are going to be upset and you're
also going to make them upset right and you're they're going to make
you upset but I think my point is just to say that there's a
danger in constantly pointing out the
log in people's eyes or like just pointing
(15:46):
out every single thing and every
single problem and not taking accountability for
our part in having to have the emotional maturity
and intelligence to appropriately compartmentalize and also process what it
is we're feeling so that we are also aware that we're not putting the emotional
(16:07):
labor on the other person and instead are also taking responsibility for the role we play.
To an extent with what we feel and in
what we feel and how we experience things and how
we process things like there's a huge accountability gap that
I feel is there in this new age of.
(16:28):
Communicating of establishing boundaries like people are
barely taking accountability and I think that's just an issue.
And I think I really found myself dabbling into that behavior where I'm.
Just like no like it's not me what I feel is.
A fact and what I feel isn't a fact yes it's true to
me and it's objective to me and it
is valid as well but the way I
(16:48):
process and communicate it is important and I find myself just
like really tapping into like y'all know pointing this
and this out and just being hypercritical and and hyper
analytical and just like you know
just doing that and I didn't like that I was
just like geez what is happening but instead of
just like god what is happening I was
(17:09):
instantly going to feel shame and I
was going to embarrassment and I was going to jeez like
feeling this heaviness and I eventually realized and
it was eventually it felt like after such a long time I just
like I don't like myself right now like I don't like where I'm at
I need to chat to God like I just
need to continue praying like I just need to continue praying about
(17:30):
it because I think there's just a lot that I need to
be addressing right now and I'm kind of
backsliding I guess in behavior and I didn't like that
like I didn't like it and I was very confused now there's
another element of it that I am on a contraceptive and
it will definitely influence my hormones but I'm
also like a sober babe right now like I haven't smoked weed in weeks and no
(17:54):
lie I have dabbled here and there and that isn't to say that like when you stop
you should dabble here and there I think it is obviously like me also just in
moments of weakness I just like let that happened. I just did my thing, to be honest.
But point is I've just been sober for most of it and I'm
feeling very great I'm just not doing it regularly whatever
and so I'm also just in
(18:17):
the season of sobriety and fully dealing with sensations
that I may have had to deal with before but because
I was also just so like baked all the
time and just like rushing in
between and always stressed out and just like I
i said like just in the state of like oh
god this is happening like i was definitely more
(18:39):
familiar with emotions and feelings that just had me not
activate at my best self or operate on my best self but
now it's like okay sobriety is in the picture and
then finally there's this hormonal thing but please god is above that like i
can be emotionally weird and aware and like
work on that or address it and yappa yappa yappa but my
point is just to say like there are many factors as well that
(19:00):
are influencing how I'm physiologically reacting to things
and so I gave myself grace as well because I'm
like I don't know what's happening to my body like things are
happening and this is how I'm feeling
but it's still important for me to not let the enemy take advantage of that
because the devil isn't sitting aside saying oh no she's on a bridge she's going
through enough no he stays waiting like a roaring lion to literally devour so
(19:23):
my God can't be down you know what I mean like at in at no point should I take
anything lightly at no point should I take.
Changes lightly or what's happening lightly because at the end of the day we're
not fighting against vision but we're fighting against principalities things
of the unseen world and so if i'm going to just like be all willy-nilly and
take things lightly my reactions to things my.
(19:45):
Over reactions to things my over communication in
certain elements where it's just being an overdone strength my you
know explosiveness like just like different things if I'm
gonna give into that and not take it seriously then it's
going to cost me and like genuinely I felt that way I
just felt like this is heavy this is
a lot I need to deal with it now and
(20:08):
truthfully it took a while for me to get there
because I don't know what it is I really don't
know but I'm also not going to to be too hard on myself because it's life right
like the journey even with God is really just really constantly and
daily understanding and realizing that I need him
and I need to rely on him for everything and so
I got into moments of like actually let me pray
(20:29):
about this ask my sister to pray for me as well because
I just love bringing people in just so they can think
of me and pray for me in that petition as well to God this
is something I'm serious about there's something I believe God can work on
and I'd love more hands on deck and so I asked
her to pray for me as well but I obviously took it upon myself as
when I'm praying and I'm just like worshiping more and just really
(20:51):
tuning into God and also bear in mind the joy
thing I spoke about about walking faith walking joy so despite what
I'm feeling and despite what I'm praying for I'm still
simultaneously intention about what walking faith
walking in joy something else has come up now yes.
There's something else i have to pray for and it feels like it's a
lot of stuff but i'm praying for it you know what i mean like i just like i
(21:14):
have to balance these things out and i think it's possible with god of course
it's possible god because he gives us gentia so i'm just like you know just
trying to balance it all out i'm just trying to balance it all out.
All out it was a lot it was a.
Lot it was a lot but yeah
(21:34):
I just started praying and that really helped a lot like just
tuning into God and remembering his promises and also
remembering his commands that I have to go to him I can't worry
about anything I need to go to him about everything because also
after realizing and just like not liking myself for a
bit I was just like jeez I don't feel good like I'm
just like oh so downtrodden but I was like why am I worried about
(21:54):
this like why am I so worried about my image and I can go to my maker
and chat to him and like we work through it that's
another thing about working with God it's that you genuinely are
working on becoming better like you become a
better person because you're denying the selfish desires of your
flesh and you're becoming who God wants you to be and I'm
honestly very proud of the person I'm
(22:16):
becoming and I'm very happy that the Bible is
my guide because there's so much consistency but there's also
so much peace that I can't describe and
there's like a calmness that comes with
walking with God and wanting to embody him and wanting to
embody what the Bible says and just like following certain things because I
also see so much life in the word I experience so much life in the word after
(22:40):
I've processed it and even when I read it so I'm just like I'm calm with it
like I've picked a side and I'm calm and I don't mind becoming that person of
course it's uncomfortable Of course,
at times I'm popping up and like at times it's difficult to just kind of detach
yourself from behaviors and things that you're so familiar with.
Like things that you never thought you'd have to be without.
(23:01):
But it's also so much better.
It's such a great place to be in. Like, it's such a great place to be in.
So, yeah, like me personally...
That's just the way I'm at. So I just spoke to my God and I prayed more intentionally
and I was specific and I pray in the middle of the night as well because I don't do that much.
I didn't do that often. I used to do it a lot more when I was in high school for sure.
(23:26):
But it just wasn't, it stopped becoming a thing. And so I tapped back into it
because I was like, yeah, no, this is really against principalities.
I need to stop playing around. and so yeah praying you
know just waking up to pray my body also just wakes
up and I go to the bathroom a lot at night so I just in those
moments I'm also praying like just you know chatting to God
(23:47):
journaling as well going back to journaling religiously
I used to journal so many times in the day and now I'm back to
doing it and I'm so happy it has really also
just helped and in that like I also just think
about things and meditate on the word because I know it and
like I just like writes and of course I don't know the whole bible but
just just that flow and things like I just
(24:08):
feel God chat to me I just feel closer to him and I feel more proud and
happy and also now what has
changed from then till now it hasn't even been that long
I can't even say it's been a week of me doing that it's just been a few days
but I can really see the active change in myself and I can really see the difference
in behavior so now I'm even taking more time like actual time to think about
(24:29):
things and process things and not be as active and explosive but instead I'm
just like Like, okay, cool. Like, what am I feeling right now?
Where is this coming from? This isn't good. Okay, cool. God, come into the chat.
And then I remember the word and I reinforce my faith and, you know,
what I'm feeling and just fortifying
myself with the word. Because if it's not great, it's not of God.
(24:49):
So I'm just like, okay, cool. Like, I need to generally actively counter this
and I need to be intentional about thinking the right things and processing
the right things. and even the habits I engage in, like making sure that.
All of it is really cultivating the relationship I not only have with God,
(25:09):
but that I will have with those around me in extension and that I'm just in
harmony with where I'm meant to be and who I'm meant to be.
And I feel like I don't want things like pride to sway me.
I don't want things like, you know, over communication to spoil me.
Like, I really just want to be calm.
I don't want to walk away from situations and things and people or like events,
(25:32):
just generally anything and feel terrible about myself
and I think I feel terrible about myself and I've clearly
strayed through my behavior through my speech from
what me and God speak about and what we like meditate
on and what I've meditated on and revelations that I have been revealed to me
like when I tap back into those behaviors that I've actually repented against
(25:52):
and like spoken about like I said with God it's getting uncomfortable in my
body so yeah that's just what I've been going through for the past few weeks,
I'd say like spiritual discomfort because I was,
I don't know, it's just, it happens, right?
Like we're still us in a way. And I think that we tend to tap into,
like I've been saying throughout this episode, just like habits and behaviors we're used to.
(26:16):
Sometimes worry will stay in our mind and we don't even realize it.
We think God and worry can't coexist in our bodies. And.
Point is to bring it to God the point is not to elevate what I'm going through
or like for how I'm feeling about myself which isn't great it's to bring it
all to God not focusing on the problem but focusing on my maker he's got it
covered he said he'll handle it even in Isaiah.
(26:41):
45 verse 2 he says I will
go before you and will level the mountains I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron and that for me is just first of all just even
those materials are so difficult to just work with and get cut more more importantly
more than anything and then God is telling me that he's going to level the mountains
mountains are the rockiest things,
(27:02):
they're one of the rockiest like even uneven quite frankly elements of nature
and God says he will level the mountains I have nothing to worry about like
I just need to trust that he has gone before me because it is true I just need
to be like acting it's like moving that faith move
with that and i think with that there's way more confidence in me walking with
(27:23):
god and i just need to be proactive and serious about nurturing our relationship and not just expecting.
This like random burst of faith to
fall upon me i it's a work it's work
like it really takes work and it takes work i
guess like that's really just the point and something i've recently just
(27:43):
learned in this journey but yeah that's
just me and i'm so happy i got to chat to you guys about it because
i've been wanting to chat about it and it just
what it is it's all with god it's not easy but it's
one of the best decisions i could have made for myself because
when i tell you guys the peace that is in my
(28:03):
heart it's mad but yeah
love you loads don't forget to pray god's got
your back and be patient with yourself be graceful with yourself extend those
things to yourself because when God tells us to embody the love and the grace
it's not just for other people it's for ourselves as well to understand that
when we activate those parts of ourselves that is God doing a work from your
(28:25):
favorite host stay blessed.
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