May 14, 2025 • 32 mins
The foundations you build before welcoming foster children into your home will determine whether you merely survive or truly thrive in this challenging calling. Drawing from both professional expertise and personal experience, this episode walks you through four essential preparations every prospective foster parent needs to prioritize.
How are you preparing your foundation? Your investment in these four areas will determine not just your longevity as a foster parent but your effectiveness in creating a home where healing can truly happen.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you to.
You're here.
I hope you were able toexperience a moment of peace and
(01:02):
reflection this past week,especially with Mother's Day on
the calendar.
But let's be honest Mother'sDay isn't easy for everyone in
our community.
For so many of us, it's socomplicated.
I mean, maybe your child spentthe day missing their biological
mom and confused about how tofeel about this holiday.
(01:22):
Maybe you were reminded of theloss that led you to this
parenting role in the firstplace.
Maybe you're grieving what youhoped motherhood would look like
, or you have the silence ofinfertility or the strain that
foster care has put on yourfamily.
If that was you this pastweekend, I want you to hear this
(01:44):
you are seen.
God is near to thebrokenhearted and he walks with
us in these complex, messyplaces.
You are not alone.
Now let's shift into today'sconversation.
May is Foster Care AwarenessMonth, and whether you're still
exploring the idea of becoming afoster parent, or you've
already said yes and you're inexploring the idea of becoming a
(02:04):
foster parent, or you'vealready said yes and you're in
the thick of it, I want to walkyou through four things that you
absolutely need to do toprepare for the journey.
This isn't a checklist, it'smore like a foundation, and if
we're going to stay in this forthe long haul and really do it
(02:25):
well, then these are the thingsthat we have to prioritize.
So let's dive in.
The first and most crucial ishaving trauma awareness and
getting some education on trauma.
If you're stepping into fostercare, you're stepping into
trauma.
There's just no way around it.
(02:47):
Every child who enters care hasexperienced a break in
attachment, and for most it'snot just one break, but many.
Their brains, bodies andnervous systems have been shaped
by trauma, and I don't meanthat in a metaphorical sense, I
mean it literally.
Trauma affects the developmentof the brain, it can rewire the
(03:09):
limbic system, it can impairexecutive functioning, it can
shrink the size of thehippocampus and it can keep a
child stuck in survival modelong after that threat is
actually gone.
So this may show up inbehaviors that don't really make
sense.
Maybe it's meltdowns over smalltransitions or aggression.
(03:34):
Lying Hypervigilance is a bigone in our house.
Trouble sleeping, troubleconnecting.
It's not because kids are bad.
It's because their brains aredoing their best to keep them
safe.
You guys and our brains do thesame thing.
So when we're taking in thistrauma awareness, we need to
(03:56):
also look at how having traumain our home is going to affect
us, because chances are we'regoing to experience something
called secondary trauma or wemay even experience primary
trauma if there is physicalaggression and that kind of
stuff in our home as well.
But there is good news, there'shelp and there is hope.
(04:21):
Some of my favorite traumaresources include the Connected
Child and the Connected Parent.
Both of those are great booksand I know that we've shared
them before on the podcast.
But if you have not read thoseresources, they are must-reads
for every foster and adoptiveparent.
Look into TBRI or Trust-basedrelational intervention
(04:46):
trainings.
See if they have any in yourarea or what people are doing.
Empower to Connect also has atraining called Cultivate
Connection.
That is trauma-based trainingfor parents.
So look into those types ofthings.
Hope for the Journey is aconference that is put on.
(05:10):
It is a virtual conference thatyou can attend or watch and
there is lots of training inthat to become more trauma-aware
.
There are also lots of podcasts, like the Empowered to Connect
podcast, the Empowered Parentpodcast, the TBRI podcast.
(05:32):
All of those things are showsthat you can listen to that will
give you little snippets intobeing more trauma aware when you
parent.
And, honestly, any trainingthat dives into attachment,
neurobiology and the effects ofearly adversity are helpful to
kind of round out our thinkingand how we're looking at trauma
(05:58):
and how we're viewing ourchild's behavior.
Because awareness isn't enough,you guys.
We can't just be aware that ourkids are affected by trauma,
but we have to implement systemsin our home that adhere to this
trauma-informed approach.
So this looks like prioritizingfelt safety before discipline
(06:24):
and y'all.
This one is so hard, especiallyin our house this week.
This one has been really,really difficult for me.
I'll be honest, I'm strugglingwith this in my own home right
now.
We are in the process ofgetting an assessment for one of
our kids.
We suspect it may be PDA orpathological demand avoidance,
(06:49):
which is a trait of autism, butyou guys, it looks like
disobedience.
So, regardless of what theunderlying cause ends up being.
I know that it is rooted inanxiety.
This child is very, veryanxious and so a lot of this
(07:12):
looks in seeking control right.
But when I look at the behavior, just from the outset how my
brain is wired to look atbehavior I look at it and I look
at disobedience.
But the thing is is I have tobreak that mindset.
(07:34):
I have to remind myself thatthis is either coming from a
place of trauma or it's comingfrom a place of neurodivergence
and anxiety, and I can'tconsequence them out of that.
It just doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
We have tried it, believe me,just in the way that I was
(08:00):
raised, the things that I fallinto are leaning on consequences
and it just doesn't work.
We have done it.
So I will tell you that, and weneed to change our mindset as
parents to be able to view ourchild's behavior in light of
their trauma and in light oftheir trauma and in light of
(08:23):
building relationship, in lightof building their felt safety,
versus just looking forcompliance all the time.
But I'll tell you, this is hard, and so y'all can pray for me
in that.
The next thing that we need todo when we're looking at
implementing trauma-informedparenting in our home is
(08:45):
regulating ourselves before werespond to our child.
So you set the temperature inyour home, you set the level of
calm and you guys, you can'tfake it.
Our kids, especially the onesthat are super hypervigilant,
will pick up on it when you'refaking the calm.
So we have to prioritize habitsthat actually keep our bodies
(09:08):
calm, and that is so, sodifficult Drinking water,
turning on worship music,hugging your spouse, whatever it
takes for you to regulatebefore you're engaging with your
child.
You need to make sure thatyou're implementing those things
.
We'll also talk about someself-care habits towards the end
(09:29):
of the podcast episode today,and those things can be higher
(09:50):
structure with our kids.
Our kids may need moreboundaries because they may not
have an internal boundary system.
My kids don't sense danger.
Well, they don't.
I shouldn't say all of my kidssense danger well, they don't.
I shouldn't say all of my kids.
I do have a couple of kids thatdo have this internal system,
(10:11):
but a couple of my kids don'tsense danger.
Well, they don't know what istoo far to push the boundary
right.
And so we have to prioritizethose boundaries for our kids in
order to keep them safe, butalso in order for them not to
feel rejected or controlled inthe midst of all those rules.
(10:35):
We also need to increase ourlevel of nurture.
So think about an infant.
An infant has somebody that'sdeciding what to do for them all
day, every day.
Right, adults decide almosteverything for an infant, but
also, that baby is always closeby our side, day and night.
(11:00):
Right, they are close by, so assoon as they need something, we
are right there.
The same thing needs to be true.
If we're giving our kids thathigh level of structure.
We need to increase our levelof nurture so that we can meet
those needs.
Both are equally as important.
(11:22):
My husband is naturally veryhigh nurture.
He is the fun one, he is theconnecting one.
All of that stuff comes very,very naturally to him, and so,
for him, he has to work onincreasing his structure, and
you guys, he wouldn't besurprised by this.
We know this about one another.
(11:44):
I, on the other hand, amnaturally very, very high
structure.
I am the one who sets theboundaries in our home.
I'm the one that usually holdseverybody accountable, but for
me, what I have to work on, whatI have to concentrate on, is
(12:04):
making sure that I have thatsame level of nurture with my
kids, that I'm giving them thesame amount of connection, time
of investment in that relationalaspect as I am providing
structure.
So making sure that those areequal with one another, that
(12:24):
we're high structure and highnurture.
And the last thing, as we'rekind of implementing these
trauma-informed environments inour home, is we want to create a
home where healing's possible.
So that doesn't mean we'reperfect, but it means that we're
creating an environment wherefelt safety, connection,
(12:48):
relationship is the priority,that we're creating a space
that's safe, that feels safe,that's warm and inviting, where
our kids can heal, can heal.
Healing is not ours to giveright, like we are not the
healer.
No-transcript, all right.
(13:14):
The second thing that we needto be doing as we're stepping
into foster care or before Imean y'all all of these things
are really really important todo before you step into foster
care, if at all possible, but ifyou're already in the thick of
it, investing in these areas isjust as crucial.
(13:35):
So the second area that we'regoing to talk about is creating
stability and agreement in yourhome.
So this journey will disruptyour home.
It will disrupt the environmentthat you currently have,
because trauma doesn't justaffect the child, it affects
everybody under your roof.
(13:56):
So it's really, reallyimportant that, before you get
started, you are investing inthe stability of your home and
your marriage and yourrelationships before you ever
get licensed.
If you're already in this, thatinvestment again is just as
crucial.
We need to make sure that we'recontinuing to pour into those
(14:18):
relationships with other familymembers, with our spouse, so
that we are connected as afamily unit.
So think about this Are you andyour spouse on the same page
about this mission Y'all?
If not, you need to stop.
You need to put on the brakes.
You need to not jump in ifeverybody's not on the same page
(14:42):
.
Do your biological kidsunderstand as much as they
possibly can?
I say biological, but I meankids that are already in the
home.
So if you have adopted kidsthat are already in the home,
you need to have theseconversations with them.
Do they understand as much asthey can what foster care means?
Do they understand what you'restepping into?
(15:04):
Are you communicating openlyabout expectations and boundary
and what support looks like?
What does everybody need as youstep into this?
How does everybody stayconnected?
So making sure that kids thatare already in the home.
Don't lose your focus orsupport.
(15:24):
They need your continuedsupport.
They need a parent to continueto guide them, so making sure
that you're setting aside timeto invest in them as well.
I know in our home it's veryoften that the squeaky wheel
gets the grease, and so whenkids come in with trauma, it can
mean a lot of disruption and alot of attention that is going
(15:50):
towards the kids that arestruggling at the moment, but we
need to make sure that we'renot putting everybody else on
the back burner.
I did a podcast episode withDaniela Coates.
She grew up as a biologicalsibling in a foster home and she
(16:13):
talks a lot about how tosupport biological siblings in
this process.
So if you are interested, ifyou are looking to get into this
, or if you are already in thisand trying to figure out how to
support the kids that arealready in your home, I highly,
highly suggest that you go backto that podcast episode with her
(16:35):
.
Her name is Daniela Coates.
Her organization is called WithSiblings.
Go back to that podcast episode, listen to it, look her up.
She has tons of resources onsupporting the kids that are
already in your home, but alsosupporting your marriage,
setting up some structure,setting up some habits where
(16:56):
you're investing into yourmarriage, into that relationship
.
Foster care is going to press onevery crack.
So if there are cracks or holesin your marriage, cracks and
holes in your family unit as itis right now, when foster care
comes into your family, whenfoster care comes into your
(17:21):
family, those cracks are goingto increase.
But know that when those cracksshow you guys, when we see
those, when they're amplified,it can actually be a blessing
because it can show spaces wherewe can grow our marriage, where
we can grow our family units tobe stronger.
(17:43):
At the end of it, this is yourinvitation to slow down, to
reconnect, to really rebuild ourrelationships and our family
unit, rebuild stronger as astronger unit.
I know that this has been great.
Foster care, adoption, has beengreat for my marriage.
(18:03):
It has been the hardest thingfor our marriage but it has also
been the best thing for ourmarriage.
So it can build your connectionin a stronger way.
But you have to make sure thatyou're making that a priority.
Okay, the third thing that youneed to do when jumping into
(18:24):
foster care is to work oncommunity relationships.
So relationships outside ofyour home.
Friendships, churchrelationships, that sort of
thing.
You cannot do foster care aloneNot well anyway.
So we need people in our corner, and not just any people.
(18:45):
We need folks who understandthe language of trauma, who have
sat through caseworker visitsand courtroom hearings, who know
what it's like to grieve areunification and to celebrate
it all at the same time.
Most people are not going tounderstand this world, and so
you need to surround yourselfwith other people that get it.
(19:07):
So right now, before you eventake a child into your home,
build relationships with otherfoster and adoptive families in
your area.
Join a support group.
Get coffee with somebody who'sbeen where you are or where you
want to be.
Text a friend who really getsit.
Even if it feels awkward atfirst, you guys just keep
(19:30):
showing up.
I know that time is really hardfor foster parents to be able to
come together, because we allare overloaded with things on
our plate, things on ourschedule, and so it can be
really hard to make time forthose things.
But make time for it.
Find a support group in yourarea that really brings people
(19:56):
together, where you can sittogether and build friendships.
Maybe that's in your church,maybe that's just in your
community.
I know in our area a lot of ourcounty programs have support
groups.
They have foster parentassociations.
Figure out how to get involvedin those things so that you're
(20:19):
connecting with others that arein this the same way that you
are.
I will say, for me it was reallyimportant to connect with other
Christian foster and adoptiveparents and that's not to leave
other foster and adoptiveparents out.
But I needed some people whounderstood why I was doing this
and who could encourage me andyou know with the reasoning that
(20:44):
I was using to step out in thefirst place.
So I needed people to encourageme in my faith.
I needed people to build me upin the Word and in prayer, and
so I needed to really surroundmyself with some of those people
.
You may also need a largecommunity of people that are
willing to support you that arenot necessarily in foster care
(21:08):
but support what you're doing.
Other foster parents, otheradoptive parents probably are
not going to help you withlaundry and meals and all that
kind of stuff because they'restruggling to put it on their
own table right.
They're struggling to get thosethings done in their own homes.
So it can be helpful to havepeople that are outside of
foster care and adoption, thatare willing to support you in
(21:30):
some of those things.
Come alongside of you, praywith you, pray over you.
Just make sure that you haveboth.
Make sure you also have fosterand adoptive parents that you're
connecting with as well.
Okay, the last one, the fourththing that you really need to do
when you're getting into fostercare and adoption is personal
(21:54):
wellness habits.
Here's the one that I seeoverlooked the most often and
it's the one that I am the mostpassionate about.
If you've listened to thispodcast for any amount of time,
you know this is my heart.
I want people, when they arestepping into this journey, when
(22:16):
they're stepping into this role, to know how trauma affects
their body and to be preparedfor that, to train their body
and their system to support thestress that they're going to be
prepared for that, to traintheir body and their system to
support the stress that they'regoing to be taken on.
Your health matters, and it'snot just for you, but this
affects your entire family.
(22:37):
So I really want people to beaware, both aware of how this
works and making sure they'reimplementing these habits early
on and not waiting until it'stoo late until trauma has
already kind of taken over theirbody.
So trauma in the home has rippleeffects and when your kids are
(22:59):
dysregulated, our nervoussystems absorb that stress.
It's called secondary traumaand it's very, very real.
It can show up as anxiety,fatigue, brain fog, irritability
, even physical illness, thingslike high blood sugar.
I told this story on socialmedia a couple of weeks ago
(23:23):
about a group that I'm in wherethere was a mom who was saying
that she wore a CGM, acontinuous glucose monitor, and
to see how you know what spikedher blood sugar throughout the
day.
And you guys do you know whatspiked her blood sugar the most?
(23:46):
It wasn't her food, it was herchild's meltdown.
So we have to understand howtrauma impacts our bodies.
So it can mean that we havehigh blood sugar, that we have
insulin resistance or ourhormone imbalance because of all
(24:08):
of that stress that we'retaking on.
We need to make sure that we'relearning how and implementing
the habits to really combat someof those things beforehand.
Without intentional support, weare going to burn out.
Our bodies are going to burnout Even emotionally.
If we're not burned out, ourbodies are going to burn out.
Our bodies are going to burnout, even emotionally.
(24:29):
If we're not burned out, ourbodies are going to burn out.
So we may fall into blockedcare, and blocked care is where
our compassion fades, where webegin to feel numb or resentful.
And then we wonder why thisthing that we were once so super
passionate about now feelsimpossible, that we were once so
(24:49):
super passionate about nowfeels impossible.
Y'all that is a natural processthat happens in our body when
our body is unsupported.
So that's why we have to buildhealthy habits now, before the
crisis hits.
This means you are fueling yourbody with real food, even when
it's chaotic.
You guys, once you get in thehabit of fueling your body with
real food, even when it'schaotic, you guys, once you get
in the habit of fueling yourbody with real food, that is
what you naturally will reachfor.
(25:10):
But if we're not in that habit,then when things get stressful,
we're going to be reaching forall the processed foods, the
snacks, the sweets, all thethings Moving our body regularly
, not to punish yourself but tosupport your mental health, to
support that stress in your body.
Muscle building muscle.
Muscle actually metabolizesstress.
(25:33):
So we want to build as muchmuscle as possible so that we
are able to handle the stressload that's going to be coming
on us.
Making sure that we're drinkingenough water.
We know that even if we'remildly dehydrated, it sends our
body into fight, flight orfreeze, and it's impossible for
us to be that calm, regulated,steady force in our home that we
(25:57):
need to be.
And then we need to createmargin for rest and to practice
that even before kids come intoour home.
And making sure that, also, wehave habits that are nourishing
our faith daily.
Are we in the Word?
Are we spending time in prayer?
Do we have those habits alreadyestablished?
(26:18):
This is exactly why I created mysix-week wellness challenge,
you guys.
It's to help foster andadoptive parents put systems in
place before they hit a wall,not after, but before.
It's trauma-informed, so I usea model, a platform called
Faster Way to Fat Loss, but whatI do is I take it and I put in
(26:41):
trauma-informed practices andfaith practices trauma-informed
practices and faith practicesthat make this sustainable and
simple for you in real life.
That helps you establish goodhabits within the structure of a
busy, chaotic parent right,because sometimes it's not just
(27:04):
knowing what you need to do,it's understanding how to fit it
all in.
So one of my clients just thisweek.
We share our weekly wins, andone of her wins this week was my
body responds to stress withlots of inflammation and GI
issues.
Thankfully, those have mostlybeen eliminated in the past six
(27:27):
months.
I can see how eating mostlywhole foods and working out
daily has helped my body learnhow to better respond to stress.
Also, now when I'm feelingstress, I try to go for a walk,
and that makes a huge differencetoo.
You guys, this is huge right.
Just implementing these simplehabits and getting our bodies
(27:47):
adjusted to these things so thatwe can manage the stress that's
coming on us, and I want you tojoin us too.
This calling is stressful, butthere is a way to support your
body through it.
You just have to be preparedfor it.
So I do have a six-weekchallenge that starts on Monday,
and right now I am offering a$50 discount with a discount
(28:12):
code.
I'll put the code in the shownotes and all the details for
that if you are interested.
You guys, you deserve to feelstrong, you deserve to feel well
, and the children in your caredeserve the very best version of
you.
So, as you're preparing to takekids in your home, or if kids
are already in your home.
You guys, we need to beimplementing all of these
(28:36):
strategies so that we arecreating the very best
environment for them as possible.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to step upin these ways, but it is our job
to make sure that we'restewarding this calling well.
It's not enough just to show up.
(28:57):
We have to be trauma aware, wehave to be working on our
marriages and our relationships.
We have to have people pouringinto us that are going to lift
us up and encourage us along theway, and we have to be
stewarding our bodies and ourhealth in this process.
(29:17):
If this episode encouraged you,you guys, I'd love for you to
subscribe, leave a review orshare it with a friend who might
be exploring foster care rightnow.
I would love for people toreally have the knowledge and
information before they get in,and if you have questions about
the Wellness Challenge or youwant to talk more about any of
(29:38):
the topics I covered today, comehang out with me on Instagram
at Nicole T Barlow Y'all.
I'm sharing lots of awarenessthings for Foster Care Awareness
Month this month Plus, I justlove hearing from you.
I've had so many people reachout the past week.
There's actually a feature onthe podcast where you can text
(30:01):
me and you guys.
It's so fun hearing from people, hearing what you're getting
from the podcast, hearing aboutyour own journey.
I love learning about how I canencourage you along the way.
You are doing really importantwork.
You guys, this is holy work.
You do not have to do it alone.
(30:22):
We are all here together.
We are in a community together.
Let's keep showing up for oneanother and for our kids and for
our families, one step at atime.
Okay, let me pray for us as weclose out today.
Father God, we thank you forthe opportunity to pause,
reflect and lean into thiscalling.
(30:42):
Thank you for opening our eyesto the need around us the
children who are hurting, thefamilies that are in crisis and
the systems that are overwhelmed.
Lord, break our hearts for whatbreaks yours.
Let us not turn away from theneed, but instead move towards
it with compassion, with courageand conviction.
(31:04):
We ask that you should raise upmore people that are willing to
say yes, and not just to theidea of foster care, but to the
daily, often unseen, work of youshowing up in love.
You show up every day for us,lord.
You hem us in in each hard stepthat we take.
(31:26):
Help us to steward this callingwell.
Teach us how to care for ourown bodies and our hearts so
that we can pour out from aplace of strength and not
survival.
Help us to lean into you everystep of the way.
Remind us that we're not meantto do this in our own power, but
through yours.
Strengthen our homes, ourmarriages, our support systems.
(31:50):
Fill the gaps where we feelweak, lord, and keep our eyes on
you as we serve every singleday.
We love you, we trust you.
It's in Jesus' name we pray,amen.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you to.
You're here.
I hope you were able toexperience a moment of peace and
(01:02):
reflection this past week,especially with Mother's Day on
the calendar.
But let's be honest Mother'sDay isn't easy for everyone in
our community.
For so many of us, it's socomplicated.
I mean, maybe your child spentthe day missing their biological
mom and confused about how tofeel about this holiday.
(01:22):
Maybe you were reminded of theloss that led you to this
parenting role in the firstplace.
Maybe you're grieving what youhoped motherhood would look like
, or you have the silence ofinfertility or the strain that
foster care has put on yourfamily.
If that was you this pastweekend, I want you to hear this
(01:44):
you are seen.
God is near to thebrokenhearted and he walks with
us in these complex, messyplaces.
You are not alone.
Now let's shift into today'sconversation.
May is Foster Care AwarenessMonth, and whether you're still
exploring the idea of becoming afoster parent, or you've
already said yes and you're inexploring the idea of becoming a
(02:04):
foster parent, or you'vealready said yes and you're in
the thick of it, I want to walkyou through four things that you
absolutely need to do toprepare for the journey.
This isn't a checklist, it'smore like a foundation, and if
we're going to stay in this forthe long haul and really do it
(02:25):
well, then these are the thingsthat we have to prioritize.
So let's dive in.
The first and most crucial ishaving trauma awareness and
getting some education on trauma.
If you're stepping into fostercare, you're stepping into
trauma.
There's just no way around it.
(02:47):
Every child who enters care hasexperienced a break in
attachment, and for most it'snot just one break, but many.
Their brains, bodies andnervous systems have been shaped
by trauma, and I don't meanthat in a metaphorical sense, I
mean it literally.
Trauma affects the developmentof the brain, it can rewire the
(03:09):
limbic system, it can impairexecutive functioning, it can
shrink the size of thehippocampus and it can keep a
child stuck in survival modelong after that threat is
actually gone.
So this may show up inbehaviors that don't really make
sense.
Maybe it's meltdowns over smalltransitions or aggression.
(03:34):
Lying Hypervigilance is a bigone in our house.
Trouble sleeping, troubleconnecting.
It's not because kids are bad.
It's because their brains aredoing their best to keep them
safe.
You guys and our brains do thesame thing.
So when we're taking in thistrauma awareness, we need to
(03:56):
also look at how having traumain our home is going to affect
us, because chances are we'regoing to experience something
called secondary trauma or wemay even experience primary
trauma if there is physicalaggression and that kind of
stuff in our home as well.
But there is good news, there'shelp and there is hope.
(04:21):
Some of my favorite traumaresources include the Connected
Child and the Connected Parent.
Both of those are great booksand I know that we've shared
them before on the podcast.
But if you have not read thoseresources, they are must-reads
for every foster and adoptiveparent.
Look into TBRI or Trust-basedrelational intervention
(04:46):
trainings.
See if they have any in yourarea or what people are doing.
Empower to Connect also has atraining called Cultivate
Connection.
That is trauma-based trainingfor parents.
So look into those types ofthings.
Hope for the Journey is aconference that is put on.
(05:10):
It is a virtual conference thatyou can attend or watch and
there is lots of training inthat to become more trauma-aware
.
There are also lots of podcasts, like the Empowered to Connect
podcast, the Empowered Parentpodcast, the TBRI podcast.
(05:32):
All of those things are showsthat you can listen to that will
give you little snippets intobeing more trauma aware when you
parent.
And, honestly, any trainingthat dives into attachment,
neurobiology and the effects ofearly adversity are helpful to
kind of round out our thinkingand how we're looking at trauma
(05:58):
and how we're viewing ourchild's behavior.
Because awareness isn't enough,you guys.
We can't just be aware that ourkids are affected by trauma,
but we have to implement systemsin our home that adhere to this
trauma-informed approach.
So this looks like prioritizingfelt safety before discipline
(06:24):
and y'all.
This one is so hard, especiallyin our house this week.
This one has been really,really difficult for me.
I'll be honest, I'm strugglingwith this in my own home right
now.
We are in the process ofgetting an assessment for one of
our kids.
We suspect it may be PDA orpathological demand avoidance,
(06:49):
which is a trait of autism, butyou guys, it looks like
disobedience.
So, regardless of what theunderlying cause ends up being.
I know that it is rooted inanxiety.
This child is very, veryanxious and so a lot of this
(07:12):
looks in seeking control right.
But when I look at the behavior, just from the outset how my
brain is wired to look atbehavior I look at it and I look
at disobedience.
But the thing is is I have tobreak that mindset.
(07:34):
I have to remind myself thatthis is either coming from a
place of trauma or it's comingfrom a place of neurodivergence
and anxiety, and I can'tconsequence them out of that.
It just doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
We have tried it, believe me,just in the way that I was
(08:00):
raised, the things that I fallinto are leaning on consequences
and it just doesn't work.
We have done it.
So I will tell you that, and weneed to change our mindset as
parents to be able to view ourchild's behavior in light of
their trauma and in light oftheir trauma and in light of
(08:23):
building relationship, in lightof building their felt safety,
versus just looking forcompliance all the time.
But I'll tell you, this is hard, and so y'all can pray for me
in that.
The next thing that we need todo when we're looking at
implementing trauma-informedparenting in our home is
(08:45):
regulating ourselves before werespond to our child.
So you set the temperature inyour home, you set the level of
calm and you guys, you can'tfake it.
Our kids, especially the onesthat are super hypervigilant,
will pick up on it when you'refaking the calm.
So we have to prioritize habitsthat actually keep our bodies
(09:08):
calm, and that is so, sodifficult Drinking water,
turning on worship music,hugging your spouse, whatever it
takes for you to regulatebefore you're engaging with your
child.
You need to make sure thatyou're implementing those things
.
We'll also talk about someself-care habits towards the end
(09:29):
of the podcast episode today,and those things can be higher
(09:50):
structure with our kids.
Our kids may need moreboundaries because they may not
have an internal boundary system.
My kids don't sense danger.
Well, they don't.
I shouldn't say all of my kidssense danger well, they don't.
I shouldn't say all of my kids.
I do have a couple of kids thatdo have this internal system,
(10:11):
but a couple of my kids don'tsense danger.
Well, they don't know what istoo far to push the boundary
right.
And so we have to prioritizethose boundaries for our kids in
order to keep them safe, butalso in order for them not to
feel rejected or controlled inthe midst of all those rules.
(10:35):
We also need to increase ourlevel of nurture.
So think about an infant.
An infant has somebody that'sdeciding what to do for them all
day, every day.
Right, adults decide almosteverything for an infant, but
also, that baby is always closeby our side, day and night.
(11:00):
Right, they are close by, so assoon as they need something, we
are right there.
The same thing needs to be true.
If we're giving our kids thathigh level of structure.
We need to increase our levelof nurture so that we can meet
those needs.
Both are equally as important.
(11:22):
My husband is naturally veryhigh nurture.
He is the fun one, he is theconnecting one.
All of that stuff comes very,very naturally to him, and so,
for him, he has to work onincreasing his structure, and
you guys, he wouldn't besurprised by this.
We know this about one another.
(11:44):
I, on the other hand, amnaturally very, very high
structure.
I am the one who sets theboundaries in our home.
I'm the one that usually holdseverybody accountable, but for
me, what I have to work on, whatI have to concentrate on, is
(12:04):
making sure that I have thatsame level of nurture with my
kids, that I'm giving them thesame amount of connection, time
of investment in that relationalaspect as I am providing
structure.
So making sure that those areequal with one another, that
(12:24):
we're high structure and highnurture.
And the last thing, as we'rekind of implementing these
trauma-informed environments inour home, is we want to create a
home where healing's possible.
So that doesn't mean we'reperfect, but it means that we're
creating an environment wherefelt safety, connection,
(12:48):
relationship is the priority,that we're creating a space
that's safe, that feels safe,that's warm and inviting, where
our kids can heal, can heal.
Healing is not ours to giveright, like we are not the
healer.
No-transcript, all right.
(13:14):
The second thing that we needto be doing as we're stepping
into foster care or before Imean y'all all of these things
are really really important todo before you step into foster
care, if at all possible, but ifyou're already in the thick of
it, investing in these areas isjust as crucial.
(13:35):
So the second area that we'regoing to talk about is creating
stability and agreement in yourhome.
So this journey will disruptyour home.
It will disrupt the environmentthat you currently have,
because trauma doesn't justaffect the child, it affects
everybody under your roof.
(13:56):
So it's really, reallyimportant that, before you get
started, you are investing inthe stability of your home and
your marriage and yourrelationships before you ever
get licensed.
If you're already in this, thatinvestment again is just as
crucial.
We need to make sure that we'recontinuing to pour into those
(14:18):
relationships with other familymembers, with our spouse, so
that we are connected as afamily unit.
So think about this Are you andyour spouse on the same page
about this mission Y'all?
If not, you need to stop.
You need to put on the brakes.
You need to not jump in ifeverybody's not on the same page
(14:42):
.
Do your biological kidsunderstand as much as they
possibly can?
I say biological, but I meankids that are already in the
home.
So if you have adopted kidsthat are already in the home,
you need to have theseconversations with them.
Do they understand as much asthey can what foster care means?
Do they understand what you'restepping into?
(15:04):
Are you communicating openlyabout expectations and boundary
and what support looks like?
What does everybody need as youstep into this?
How does everybody stayconnected?
So making sure that kids thatare already in the home.
Don't lose your focus orsupport.
(15:24):
They need your continuedsupport.
They need a parent to continueto guide them, so making sure
that you're setting aside timeto invest in them as well.
I know in our home it's veryoften that the squeaky wheel
gets the grease, and so whenkids come in with trauma, it can
mean a lot of disruption and alot of attention that is going
(15:50):
towards the kids that arestruggling at the moment, but we
need to make sure that we'renot putting everybody else on
the back burner.
I did a podcast episode withDaniela Coates.
She grew up as a biologicalsibling in a foster home and she
(16:13):
talks a lot about how tosupport biological siblings in
this process.
So if you are interested, ifyou are looking to get into this
, or if you are already in thisand trying to figure out how to
support the kids that arealready in your home, I highly,
highly suggest that you go backto that podcast episode with her
(16:35):
.
Her name is Daniela Coates.
Her organization is called WithSiblings.
Go back to that podcast episode, listen to it, look her up.
She has tons of resources onsupporting the kids that are
already in your home, but alsosupporting your marriage,
setting up some structure,setting up some habits where
(16:56):
you're investing into yourmarriage, into that relationship
.
Foster care is going to press onevery crack.
So if there are cracks or holesin your marriage, cracks and
holes in your family unit as itis right now, when foster care
comes into your family, whenfoster care comes into your
(17:21):
family, those cracks are goingto increase.
But know that when those cracksshow you guys, when we see
those, when they're amplified,it can actually be a blessing
because it can show spaces wherewe can grow our marriage, where
we can grow our family units tobe stronger.
(17:43):
At the end of it, this is yourinvitation to slow down, to
reconnect, to really rebuild ourrelationships and our family
unit, rebuild stronger as astronger unit.
I know that this has been great.
Foster care, adoption, has beengreat for my marriage.
(18:03):
It has been the hardest thingfor our marriage but it has also
been the best thing for ourmarriage.
So it can build your connectionin a stronger way.
But you have to make sure thatyou're making that a priority.
Okay, the third thing that youneed to do when jumping into
(18:24):
foster care is to work oncommunity relationships.
So relationships outside ofyour home.
Friendships, churchrelationships, that sort of
thing.
You cannot do foster care aloneNot well anyway.
So we need people in our corner, and not just any people.
(18:45):
We need folks who understandthe language of trauma, who have
sat through caseworker visitsand courtroom hearings, who know
what it's like to grieve areunification and to celebrate
it all at the same time.
Most people are not going tounderstand this world, and so
you need to surround yourselfwith other people that get it.
(19:07):
So right now, before you eventake a child into your home,
build relationships with otherfoster and adoptive families in
your area.
Join a support group.
Get coffee with somebody who'sbeen where you are or where you
want to be.
Text a friend who really getsit.
Even if it feels awkward atfirst, you guys just keep
(19:30):
showing up.
I know that time is really hardfor foster parents to be able to
come together, because we allare overloaded with things on
our plate, things on ourschedule, and so it can be
really hard to make time forthose things.
But make time for it.
Find a support group in yourarea that really brings people
(19:56):
together, where you can sittogether and build friendships.
Maybe that's in your church,maybe that's just in your
community.
I know in our area a lot of ourcounty programs have support
groups.
They have foster parentassociations.
Figure out how to get involvedin those things so that you're
(20:19):
connecting with others that arein this the same way that you
are.
I will say, for me it was reallyimportant to connect with other
Christian foster and adoptiveparents and that's not to leave
other foster and adoptiveparents out.
But I needed some people whounderstood why I was doing this
and who could encourage me andyou know with the reasoning that
(20:44):
I was using to step out in thefirst place.
So I needed people to encourageme in my faith.
I needed people to build me upin the Word and in prayer, and
so I needed to really surroundmyself with some of those people
.
You may also need a largecommunity of people that are
willing to support you that arenot necessarily in foster care
(21:08):
but support what you're doing.
Other foster parents, otheradoptive parents probably are
not going to help you withlaundry and meals and all that
kind of stuff because they'restruggling to put it on their
own table right.
They're struggling to get thosethings done in their own homes.
So it can be helpful to havepeople that are outside of
foster care and adoption, thatare willing to support you in
(21:30):
some of those things.
Come alongside of you, praywith you, pray over you.
Just make sure that you haveboth.
Make sure you also have fosterand adoptive parents that you're
connecting with as well.
Okay, the last one, the fourththing that you really need to do
when you're getting into fostercare and adoption is personal
(21:54):
wellness habits.
Here's the one that I seeoverlooked the most often and
it's the one that I am the mostpassionate about.
If you've listened to thispodcast for any amount of time,
you know this is my heart.
I want people, when they arestepping into this journey, when
(22:16):
they're stepping into this role, to know how trauma affects
their body and to be preparedfor that, to train their body
and their system to support thestress that they're going to be
prepared for that, to traintheir body and their system to
support the stress that they'regoing to be taken on.
Your health matters, and it'snot just for you, but this
affects your entire family.
(22:37):
So I really want people to beaware, both aware of how this
works and making sure they'reimplementing these habits early
on and not waiting until it'stoo late until trauma has
already kind of taken over theirbody.
So trauma in the home has rippleeffects and when your kids are
(22:59):
dysregulated, our nervoussystems absorb that stress.
It's called secondary traumaand it's very, very real.
It can show up as anxiety,fatigue, brain fog, irritability
, even physical illness, thingslike high blood sugar.
I told this story on socialmedia a couple of weeks ago
(23:23):
about a group that I'm in wherethere was a mom who was saying
that she wore a CGM, acontinuous glucose monitor, and
to see how you know what spikedher blood sugar throughout the
day.
And you guys do you know whatspiked her blood sugar the most?
(23:46):
It wasn't her food, it was herchild's meltdown.
So we have to understand howtrauma impacts our bodies.
So it can mean that we havehigh blood sugar, that we have
insulin resistance or ourhormone imbalance because of all
(24:08):
of that stress that we'retaking on.
We need to make sure that we'relearning how and implementing
the habits to really combat someof those things beforehand.
Without intentional support, weare going to burn out.
Our bodies are going to burnout Even emotionally.
If we're not burned out, ourbodies are going to burn out.
Our bodies are going to burnout, even emotionally.
(24:29):
If we're not burned out, ourbodies are going to burn out.
So we may fall into blockedcare, and blocked care is where
our compassion fades, where webegin to feel numb or resentful.
And then we wonder why thisthing that we were once so super
passionate about now feelsimpossible, that we were once so
(24:49):
super passionate about nowfeels impossible.
Y'all that is a natural processthat happens in our body when
our body is unsupported.
So that's why we have to buildhealthy habits now, before the
crisis hits.
This means you are fueling yourbody with real food, even when
it's chaotic.
You guys, once you get in thehabit of fueling your body with
real food, even when it'schaotic, you guys, once you get
in the habit of fueling yourbody with real food, that is
what you naturally will reachfor.
(25:10):
But if we're not in that habit,then when things get stressful,
we're going to be reaching forall the processed foods, the
snacks, the sweets, all thethings Moving our body regularly
, not to punish yourself but tosupport your mental health, to
support that stress in your body.
Muscle building muscle.
Muscle actually metabolizesstress.
(25:33):
So we want to build as muchmuscle as possible so that we
are able to handle the stressload that's going to be coming
on us.
Making sure that we're drinkingenough water.
We know that even if we'remildly dehydrated, it sends our
body into fight, flight orfreeze, and it's impossible for
us to be that calm, regulated,steady force in our home that we
(25:57):
need to be.
And then we need to createmargin for rest and to practice
that even before kids come intoour home.
And making sure that, also, wehave habits that are nourishing
our faith daily.
Are we in the Word?
Are we spending time in prayer?
Do we have those habits alreadyestablished?
(26:18):
This is exactly why I created mysix-week wellness challenge,
you guys.
It's to help foster andadoptive parents put systems in
place before they hit a wall,not after, but before.
It's trauma-informed, so I usea model, a platform called
Faster Way to Fat Loss, but whatI do is I take it and I put in
(26:41):
trauma-informed practices andfaith practices trauma-informed
practices and faith practicesthat make this sustainable and
simple for you in real life.
That helps you establish goodhabits within the structure of a
busy, chaotic parent right,because sometimes it's not just
(27:04):
knowing what you need to do,it's understanding how to fit it
all in.
So one of my clients just thisweek.
We share our weekly wins, andone of her wins this week was my
body responds to stress withlots of inflammation and GI
issues.
Thankfully, those have mostlybeen eliminated in the past six
(27:27):
months.
I can see how eating mostlywhole foods and working out
daily has helped my body learnhow to better respond to stress.
Also, now when I'm feelingstress, I try to go for a walk,
and that makes a huge differencetoo.
You guys, this is huge right.
Just implementing these simplehabits and getting our bodies
(27:47):
adjusted to these things so thatwe can manage the stress that's
coming on us, and I want you tojoin us too.
This calling is stressful, butthere is a way to support your
body through it.
You just have to be preparedfor it.
So I do have a six-weekchallenge that starts on Monday,
and right now I am offering a$50 discount with a discount
(28:12):
code.
I'll put the code in the shownotes and all the details for
that if you are interested.
You guys, you deserve to feelstrong, you deserve to feel well
, and the children in your caredeserve the very best version of
you.
So, as you're preparing to takekids in your home, or if kids
are already in your home.
You guys, we need to beimplementing all of these
(28:36):
strategies so that we arecreating the very best
environment for them as possible.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to this.
We have been called to step upin these ways, but it is our job
to make sure that we'restewarding this calling well.
It's not enough just to show up.
(28:57):
We have to be trauma aware, wehave to be working on our
marriages and our relationships.
We have to have people pouringinto us that are going to lift
us up and encourage us along theway, and we have to be
stewarding our bodies and ourhealth in this process.
(29:17):
If this episode encouraged you,you guys, I'd love for you to
subscribe, leave a review orshare it with a friend who might
be exploring foster care rightnow.
I would love for people toreally have the knowledge and
information before they get in,and if you have questions about
the Wellness Challenge or youwant to talk more about any of
(29:38):
the topics I covered today, comehang out with me on Instagram
at Nicole T Barlow Y'all.
I'm sharing lots of awarenessthings for Foster Care Awareness
Month this month Plus, I justlove hearing from you.
I've had so many people reachout the past week.
There's actually a feature onthe podcast where you can text
(30:01):
me and you guys.
It's so fun hearing from people, hearing what you're getting
from the podcast, hearing aboutyour own journey.
I love learning about how I canencourage you along the way.
You are doing really importantwork.
You guys, this is holy work.
You do not have to do it alone.
(30:22):
We are all here together.
We are in a community together.
Let's keep showing up for oneanother and for our kids and for
our families, one step at atime.
Okay, let me pray for us as weclose out today.
Father God, we thank you forthe opportunity to pause,
reflect and lean into thiscalling.
(30:42):
Thank you for opening our eyesto the need around us the
children who are hurting, thefamilies that are in crisis and
the systems that are overwhelmed.
Lord, break our hearts for whatbreaks yours.
Let us not turn away from theneed, but instead move towards
it with compassion, with courageand conviction.
(31:04):
We ask that you should raise upmore people that are willing to
say yes, and not just to theidea of foster care, but to the
daily, often unseen, work of youshowing up in love.
You show up every day for us,lord.
You hem us in in each hard stepthat we take.
(31:26):
Help us to steward this callingwell.
Teach us how to care for ourown bodies and our hearts so
that we can pour out from aplace of strength and not
survival.
Help us to lean into you everystep of the way.
Remind us that we're not meantto do this in our own power, but
through yours.
Strengthen our homes, ourmarriages, our support systems.
(31:50):
Fill the gaps where we feelweak, lord, and keep our eyes on
you as we serve every singleday.
We love you, we trust you.
It's in Jesus' name we pray,amen.
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