January 1, 2025 • 27 mins
Every holiday season as a foster or adoptive parent is a rollercoaster of joy and chaos. I've been there, feeling the duality of laughter and meltdowns, and I'm here to share how embracing these mixed emotions can actually enrich our lives and families. In this episode, I reflect on the past year, celebrating the laughter, acknowledging the meltdowns, and setting intentions for a more balanced 2025. Let's talk about the power of saying yes to ourselves so we can better say yes to our children, teaching them the value of self-care by living it out ourselves.
Together, we'll explore practical ways to incorporate movement and strength training into hectic lives, and the importance of nutrition in maintaining energy and preventing burnout. From the simplicity of a daily walk to the impact of choosing whole foods, every small decision counts. As we step into the new year, we'll also focus on spiritual growth, setting priorities that align with wisdom and nurture our families with love and grace. Join me in a prayer of strength and guidance, and let’s enter 2025 with renewed faith, purpose, and a commitment to self-care that supports our parenting journeys.
2025 Priority Reset Guide:
https://stan.store/nicoletbarlow/p/get-the-priority-reset-guide-now
6 Week Coaching Group:
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow
Register for Priorities Webinar on January 21st!
https://stan.store/nicoletbarlow/p/join-me-to-set-our-priorities--goals-for-2025
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nicole T Barlow (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast,
where we have real candid,faith-filled conversations about
all things foster care,adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Well, hey there, friends, happyNew Year.
(00:55):
Welcome back to the FosterParent Well podcast.
It feels so good to be backwith you after a little holiday
break.
I hope your Christmas season wasfilled with moments of joy,
even if it came wrapped in theusual chaos that so often
accompanies this time of year,doesn't it?
I decided to take a couple ofweeks off from the podcast to
(01:21):
really focus on my family.
My oldest was home from schoolhe goes to school about seven
hours away, so he really onlycomes home for the holidays and
I really wanted to create someintentional days of togetherness
.
But you know how that goes.
I had this grand vision familybonding, laughter, sweet
(01:41):
memories and in some ways we didget that.
One of the biggest hits was aChristmas trivia tic-tac-toe
game.
Y'all it got heated.
We're a competitive bunch, forsure, and there might have been
a few debates about who actuallyknew the most Christmas facts,
but it was so fun and it gave usplenty of laughs.
(02:05):
They have definitely requestedthat one again for next year,
but also, of course, in truefamily fashion.
Those four days of planned funwere also sprinkled in with lots
of tears, meltdowns includingseveral of my own and moments
(02:25):
where I thought why do I eventry?
Right?
Do you ever feel like that?
But here's what I've learnedLife as a foster or adoptive
parent is always a mix of joyand hard and, honestly, that's
okay.
The hard doesn't have to cancelout the good.
It just makes the good all themore meaningful.
So how was your holiday?
(02:47):
More fun or more tears or, likeme, and a little bit of both,
wherever you land.
I'm just so glad you're here,because today is January 1st,
and that means we're steppinginto a brand new year together.
So we're going to be talkingabout goals and priorities and
(03:10):
what it looks like to make 2025a year of intention and growth.
Let's dive in.
So it's the start of 2025, and,if you're anything like me, the
new year comes with this mix ofexcitement and overwhelm.
On one hand, there's somethingrefreshing about a clean slate,
(03:30):
right?
I always have such high hopeswhen we get to start fresh.
But on the other hand, asfoster and adoptive parents,
we're already juggling so muchthat adding new goals can feel
like one more thing to manage,right?
Like how do we fit one morething in If I say I'm going to
start doing all these new things?
(03:51):
Well, what does that trump,right?
Here's what I want you to hear.
If we continue to put ourselveslast, we're not going to get
what we need in order to parentwell.
And let's be real, our kidsneed us at our best.
They've been through so muchand they're looking to us to be
(04:13):
their safe place, their calm inthe storm.
But how do we do that if we'rerunning on empty?
This year?
We need to shift that focus alittle bit.
It's time to put your oxygenmask on first.
You know how?
On an airplane, they tell youto do that to put your oxygen
mask on before helping someoneelse.
(04:34):
That's not selfish, it'snecessary.
You can't pour from an emptycup, and yet so often we do.
We skip meals, we lose sleep,we let ourselves fall to the
bottom of the priority list, butthat just doesn't work.
Think about it this way Most ofus don't skip brushing our
teeth or taking a quick shower.
Well, sometimes we might, buton the busiest days those things
(04:58):
happen because they'repriorities.
Yet some days you're rushing todo those things quicker.
You may get it done in 60seconds flat, but you still do
it because it matters.
The same principle applies forcaring for yourself in other
ways.
If we make it a priority, itwill happen, even if it's not
(05:19):
perfect, even if it's not everysingle day.
Because, yes, there are somedays that I go without a shower
because life is just too crazy.
Right, there are some dayswhere I order a pizza because
the planned healthy meal that Ihad just isn't going to work in
the midst of everything that'sgoing on.
So it's okay that everythingdoesn't happen perfectly, but we
(05:43):
have to get our prioritiesstraight so that they do happen
most of the time.
So before we talk about specificpriorities, let's address the
elephant in the room mindset.
If we don't decide what mattersmost, life will decide for us.
And guess what?
Life's priorities are rarelyaligned with what's truly
(06:07):
important.
Here's the truth that's hard toswallow Saying yes to something
means saying no to somethingelse.
So if we're constantly sayingyes to everybody else's needs,
we're often saying no to our own, and that's not sustainable.
It's not the example we want toset for our kids.
We're trying to teach them thattaking care of themselves is
(06:30):
important, and the best way wecan do that is to model that for
them, to model what it lookslike to care for ourselves, to
care for our mental health, tocare for our faith and our
spiritual health, to care forour physical bodies.
So prioritizing yourself, itdoesn't mean neglecting your
(06:50):
kids.
It just means you're equippingyourself to be the parent that
they need.
And you guys, a lot of thethings that we can do to care
for ourselves can be done withour kids, which is modeling it
for them.
But it's about being proactiveinstead of reactive.
When we're not intentionalabout our priorities, we're
(07:11):
setting ourselves up to fail,not just for the day, but for
the long haul.
If we never get ahead of it, ifwe never set ourselves and
self-care and our health as apriority, it's never going to
just happen.
Naturally, we have to be really, really intentional about those
(07:32):
things.
So let's break this down intosome tangible priorities for the
year.
And y'all, not all of this isself-care and wellness stuff.
Some of this is about investingin our kids, too, but these
aren't about adding more to yourplate.
It's really about makingintentional choices that are
(07:55):
going to fill you up.
They're going to help youparent better and they're going
to make you feel better too.
So the first thing is time withGod.
This is a non-negotiable youguys, as foster parents, we're
on the front lines of some ofthe hardest battles, and we just
cannot do it in our ownstrength.
(08:17):
Time in God's word, in prayerand simply sitting in his
presence is what equips us tokeep going.
We need that time.
It is a necessity.
When we rely on him, we're notjust surviving, we're parenting
(08:37):
with his grace, his wisdom, hispeace, and maybe this looks like
starting your morning with aquick devotional His peace.
And maybe this looks likestarting your morning with a
quick devotional.
Maybe it's listening to worshipmusic while you're driving, or
while you're taking a walk, ormaybe you're praying while
you're folding laundry.
Whatever it looks like.
You have to make this apriority.
(08:58):
You have been set apart to bedifferent, and the way that you
approach life has to bedifferent, because the things
that you are doing are harder,they're different than the
average person.
You really need to be, firstand foremost, equipped in his
strength and his wisdom for yourday.
(09:22):
The second thing is spendingtime with safe people.
So spending time with yourspouse or your friends, other
safe relationships where you aregoing to be relationally filled
up.
As much as we love our kids,they can't be the ones who meet
(09:45):
our relational needs.
Even if our kids didn't, hadn'texperienced the trauma that
most of them have, um, theystill couldn't meet those needs.
But, especially because ourkids have previous trauma, they
can't carry that weight ofmeeting our relational needs.
(10:05):
So we need safe adults in ourlives that can encourage us,
that can listen to us, that canpour into us.
And maybe it's a weekly datenight with our spouse, or maybe
we schedule a coffee to catch upwith a friend, or maybe we
schedule a coffee to catch upwith a friend.
I know I have a coffeescheduled with a friend this
(10:27):
week and I am so, so excitedabout it because I know every
moment that I spend with her Ifeel filled up, I feel
encouraged.
She encourages me in the Lord,she encourages me to seek Jesus,
and it's just so nice to be ina safe space like that
relationally.
So make space for thoseconnections.
(10:50):
They are life-giving and, justlike your kids need safe
relationships, people they candepend on, people that are going
to help support them, we needthat in our lives too.
We have to have thoserelationships that are pouring
into us so that we can be thatrelational support for our kids.
(11:12):
So then that leads me to thenext one, and that's connecting
with our kids.
So connecting with our kidsdoesn't have to be elaborate.
It may be reading a bedtimestory and singing a song and
praying at bedtime.
It may mean baking cookiestogether or playing a quick game
(11:33):
of Uno, but these moments ofconnection are what build trust
and what strengthen thatrelationship.
We also know that building thisconnection and this trust and
attachment with our kids is whathelps their brains heal.
So this has to be a top priorityfor us.
This has to be something thatwe set aside time to do each and
(11:57):
every day, and I know I need toget much, much better at this,
in that I spend time with mykids as a group, but I have not
been as intentional lately aboutspending one-on-one time with
my kids.
When they were younger, I usedto schedule five to 10 minutes
(12:19):
every single day, like I wouldtake an hour and I would just
basically rotate from one kid tothe next for five or 10 minutes
in each room with each kidspending time one-on-one time
connecting with that child, andI really need to get back to
that.
Just because my kids are olderand I guess they're busy and
(12:41):
they have their own things goingon, it's not always as easy to
schedule that time, but in thisnew year, that's one of the
things I really want to do is tobe much more intentional about
having that daily one-on-onetime with my kids.
Next week we're diving intosome fun ways to connect with
(13:01):
your kids around food, so makesure you tune into that.
My guest next week is awesomeand really has some great ideas
on how to build connection inthat way.
All right.
Well, let's move on to self-carehabits.
Let's move on to self-carehabits.
(13:23):
So self-care good self-carey'all is not eating a pan of
brownies or a bag of M&Ms andwatching tv.
Sometimes that can feel goodand we need that downtime and
that treat or whatever, butthat's not really caring for for
ourselves.
Well, good self-care means thatwe have daily habits that care
(13:44):
for our bodies.
So it means things likehydration, drinking lots of
water, nutrition, eating wholefoods that are going to nourish
our bodies, that are giving usthe vitamins and minerals that
we need every day us thevitamins and minerals that we
need every day.
Exercise, making sure that we'regetting regular movement.
(14:04):
And, you guys, it doesn't haveto be big.
In fact, for most foster andadoptive parents, you don't want
some really strenuous workoutroutine.
You don't want to spend hoursand hours running unless your
body is used to that, becausethat's going to put additional
stress on your body and yourbody doesn't need any additional
(14:26):
stress.
I say that all the time, but wehave to be really intentional
about that.
But we do need movement, ourbodies need to move.
So maybe it means going for adaily walk after dinner or, you
know, I just got a minitrampoline that is in my room.
(14:46):
My kids had little minitrampolines, you know, when they
were smaller, but they werereally like hard and stiff.
I guess that was on purpose.
This one is super bouncy andit's actually for me to be able
to, you know, jump on for 5, 10,15 minutes, 20 minutes
sometimes, you know, to be ableto get some exercise in when I
(15:10):
am in a hurry.
That's not my normal routine.
I really emphasize strengthtraining and, you know, building
muscle, good muscle mass,through strength training and
that's the way that I normallywork out.
But this extra little bit of away to get movement in has been
(15:32):
great and it has been great formy kids.
I make my kids jump on it for acouple of minutes in the
morning and it's great becauseit gets some of their energy out
and helps them regulate as well.
I can't wait till we get backto school and are able to use
that trampoline, you know,inside during the school day
(15:54):
when they need to get some ofthat out as well.
Back to our good self-carehabits Exercise, getting
movement in, is very, veryimportant.
Just like it's important forour kids, it's important for us
too.
And then rest Rest is reallyimportant for us to be able to
have the energy and for ourbodies to have the time to
(16:17):
restore and kind of rejuvenateso that we're ready to go each
and every day.
So we need to be veryintentional about that,
intentional about our bedtimeroutines and when we're going to
bed at night.
And sometimes you guys, like Isaid, you know saying yes to
something means that we'resaying no to something else.
So saying yes to good sleep andgoing to bed at a decent hour
(16:42):
may mean that, no, I'm not bingewatching Grey's Anatomy or
something of the sort.
Right?
Just important that we'rethinking through those ahead of
time, that we're kind of settingthose standards ahead of time
and these self-care habits arereally going to affect our
parenting.
(17:03):
Did you know that even milddehydration can make you feel
irritable and foggy?
Or eating a balanced meal canhelp you still stay regulated
during stressful moments, and Idon't know about you, but I need
all the help that I can get tostay regulated and patient when
things kind of get chaotic.
(17:24):
So when we're taking care ofour bodies, we are much better
equipped to handle whatever theday throws at us.
And we want that.
We want to be good parents thatare showing up, not reactionary
but really proactive, thinkingthrough each situation logically
.
And part of that self-care isgood nutrition.
(17:47):
Good nutrition really isfoundational, starting with
protein at every meal and eatingat regular intervals.
We teach this with our kids.
Right Like when you go throughtrauma training.
You understand that it helpsfor kids to eat every two hours
because it helps them fromgetting dysregulated.
(18:07):
Well, the same thing is truefor us.
Because of the environment thatwe live in, our bodies are more
prone to go into that fight,flight or freeze response, and
so if our blood sugar drops orif we get hungry, it signals to
our body that we're that we needto be looking for food, we need
(18:29):
to go into survival mode, andthat's not what we want.
We don't want our bodies to bestressed in that way.
I believe in intermittentfasting.
I think it can be helpful, butif you're already stressed,
fasting for longer than 12 hourscan really overwhelm your body
sometimes when you're already inthat stressed state.
(18:50):
I always tell my clients, ifyou're having a stressful week
and you intermittent fast, pullthat back a little bit to make
sure that you're doing that12-hour eating window and
12-hour fasting window.
But eating, even if you dopractice intermittent fasting
and if you don't know what thatis, you can go back to one of my
(19:12):
previous podcasts where I talkabout ways to manage your health
or whatever but if you dopractice intermittent fasting,
eating at regular intervalsduring your eating window will
help teach your body that youare going to get food at a
regular interval and so it willlearn to trust that even if
(19:36):
you're going 12 hours withouteating y'all which most of that
is sleeping anyway most of usnaturally fast for 12 hours.
But if you are eating at two tothree hour intervals throughout
the day, then your body learnsto trust that the next meal is
coming soon.
Right, you teach it that it'sgoing to be fed every two to
(20:00):
three hours.
But if you skip meals, if yougo all day without eating and
then you're starving right atfive o'clock, your body is in a
stressed mode.
Your body is in a survival modebecause it hasn't been fed
regularly.
So just like we wouldn't dothat to our kids, we don't want
(20:21):
to do that to ourselves either.
Focus on whole foods and reallylimit your processed options.
I know fast food can betempting when you're busy, but
it doesn't really fuel you inthe way that your body needs.
And actually processed foodsand some of the seed oils and
(20:44):
other things that are inprocessed foods can actually add
stress to our bodies.
So again, we don't need anyadditional stress.
So really make that goodnutrition and good self-care
habits part of your prioritylist.
It needs to be a priority.
You need to think through howyou're going to implement those
(21:04):
things on a regular basis.
You're not going to do thisperfectly, and that's okay.
Some of my clients, you knowthey just focus on water.
And guess what, if that's allyou do today?
That's your one intentionalchoice that you're making.
That's where you're starting.
Great, I love it.
Focus on water today, make surethat you're drinking enough
(21:26):
water every single day and then,after a couple of weeks of that
, try adding in something else.
You don't have to shifteverything all at once.
I think that's one of themistakes that we generally make
on January 1st is like we wantto completely turn the boat
upside down, like we want to doeverything differently this year
(21:47):
, and so we try to do everythingdifferently at once and we just
can't keep up with it.
So start with a couple of smallhabits.
First, start with water, startwith taking a walk or whatever,
and then continue to add on asthe year goes on.
Don't beat yourself up if youdon't do all of this.
(22:07):
If you can't get everything inin a day, it's not a big deal.
Just like you don't beatyourself of this if you can't
get everything in in a day.
It's not a big deal.
Just like you don't beatyourself up if you miss a shower
.
Don't beat yourself up if youfall short in other areas.
Grace is the key, both foryourself and for those around
you.
When we hold ourselves toperfection, lots of times, we
(22:30):
project that on the peoplearound us too.
We want them to be perfect too,so we need to give ourselves
grace, and then we will be morelikely to give them grace too.
It's not about perfection.
It's about making progress,small, consistent steps.
They will add up over time.
So celebrate the wins, nomatter how small they seem, and
(22:51):
let the setbacks teach you, notdefine you.
Before we wrap up, I want toshare something that I'm really
excited about.
My six-week coaching programstarts back this month, and it's
specifically for foster,adoptive, kinship and special
needs parents.
What makes my coaching uniqueis that it's tailored for
(23:12):
parents like you.
Your stressors are differentand your health plan should
reflect that.
Plus, our group creates a senseof camaraderie that goes beyond
health and wellness.
We talk about faith, kids,marriage and all the things that
make up this beautiful,challenging life, and because
we're all in similar situations,we can all be there to support
(23:36):
and encourage one another.
I use the Faster Way to Fat Lossplatform because it's built
around sustainable, healthyhabits and not quick fixes.
It's really about eating realfood, drinking water and
building muscle, and I know youguys that sounds so simple, but
it can be hard for us to knowhow to do it how much to eat,
(24:00):
how much to work out, whatshould we be lifting, what
exercises we should do.
So this gives us a plan ofaction and you have
accountability, both from me andfrom people in our group.
Part of the reason I partnerwith them also is because of the
technology and support thatthey offer.
So they give daily workouts andeverything is done through this
(24:22):
amazing app that makeseverything so seamless for my
clients.
I do tailor the program just abit.
Your lifestyle may look alittle different, and so the way
that you care for your bodyreally needs to take that into
consideration.
So I give you a lot ofeducation on how trauma impacts
(24:42):
your body and specific ways tosupport it.
If that's something that youmay be interested in, I'll put a
link in the show notes.
January spots fill up reallyquickly because everybody's
motivated in January, so I'mactually offering two different
sessions in January.
Usually, I just offer asix-week session every month,
(25:04):
but in January we're doing twodifferent sessions.
One starts January 6th and theother one starts January 27th.
I do have a discount code forthe January 6th session, but
it's only good for the next twodays.
So if you do want that discountcode, message me on Instagram
at Nicole T Barlow, and I'll besure to send it over to you.
(25:28):
But again, that discount codeexpires on January 2nd, so make
sure you do that quickly andI'll put a registration link in
the show notes if you'reinterested in signing up for
either of those sessions.
Well, friends, as we step intothe new year, my prayer is
(25:48):
really that you'll feel God'sstrength and grace in every step
.
Happy new year.
My prayer is really that you'llfeel God's strength and grace
in every step.
Happy new year.
I'll see you next week.
As we really wrap up, let mepray for us.
Heavenly Father, I'm sothankful for this new year.
Lord, thank you have broughtaround me in 2024.
(26:09):
I'm so excited about what 2025holds.
Lord, let us enter into thisnew year with hope, with promise
and looking to you every stepof the way.
Lord, help us to set ourpriorities.
Give us wisdom and discernmentabout what order things should
(26:30):
go.
We know, first and foremost,our relationship with you is the
most important.
We cannot do anything apartfrom you.
God, strengthen us as we headinto this new year and allow us
to continue to parent our kidsand to build up our families in
(26:51):
the love and grace of your sonJesus Christ.
In Jesus' name, amen, thank you.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast,
where we have real candid,faith-filled conversations about
all things foster care,adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Well, hey there, friends, happyNew Year.
(00:55):
Welcome back to the FosterParent Well podcast.
It feels so good to be backwith you after a little holiday
break.
I hope your Christmas season wasfilled with moments of joy,
even if it came wrapped in theusual chaos that so often
accompanies this time of year,doesn't it?
I decided to take a couple ofweeks off from the podcast to
(01:21):
really focus on my family.
My oldest was home from schoolhe goes to school about seven
hours away, so he really onlycomes home for the holidays and
I really wanted to create someintentional days of togetherness
.
But you know how that goes.
I had this grand vision familybonding, laughter, sweet
(01:41):
memories and in some ways we didget that.
One of the biggest hits was aChristmas trivia tic-tac-toe
game.
Y'all it got heated.
We're a competitive bunch, forsure, and there might have been
a few debates about who actuallyknew the most Christmas facts,
but it was so fun and it gave usplenty of laughs.
(02:05):
They have definitely requestedthat one again for next year,
but also, of course, in truefamily fashion.
Those four days of planned funwere also sprinkled in with lots
of tears, meltdowns includingseveral of my own and moments
(02:25):
where I thought why do I eventry?
Right?
Do you ever feel like that?
But here's what I've learnedLife as a foster or adoptive
parent is always a mix of joyand hard and, honestly, that's
okay.
The hard doesn't have to cancelout the good.
It just makes the good all themore meaningful.
So how was your holiday?
(02:47):
More fun or more tears or, likeme, and a little bit of both,
wherever you land.
I'm just so glad you're here,because today is January 1st,
and that means we're steppinginto a brand new year together.
So we're going to be talkingabout goals and priorities and
(03:10):
what it looks like to make 2025a year of intention and growth.
Let's dive in.
So it's the start of 2025, and,if you're anything like me, the
new year comes with this mix ofexcitement and overwhelm.
On one hand, there's somethingrefreshing about a clean slate,
(03:30):
right?
I always have such high hopeswhen we get to start fresh.
But on the other hand, asfoster and adoptive parents,
we're already juggling so muchthat adding new goals can feel
like one more thing to manage,right?
Like how do we fit one morething in If I say I'm going to
start doing all these new things?
(03:51):
Well, what does that trump,right?
Here's what I want you to hear.
If we continue to put ourselveslast, we're not going to get
what we need in order to parentwell.
And let's be real, our kidsneed us at our best.
They've been through so muchand they're looking to us to be
(04:13):
their safe place, their calm inthe storm.
But how do we do that if we'rerunning on empty?
This year?
We need to shift that focus alittle bit.
It's time to put your oxygenmask on first.
You know how?
On an airplane, they tell youto do that to put your oxygen
mask on before helping someoneelse.
(04:34):
That's not selfish, it'snecessary.
You can't pour from an emptycup, and yet so often we do.
We skip meals, we lose sleep,we let ourselves fall to the
bottom of the priority list, butthat just doesn't work.
Think about it this way Most ofus don't skip brushing our
teeth or taking a quick shower.
Well, sometimes we might, buton the busiest days those things
(04:58):
happen because they'repriorities.
Yet some days you're rushing todo those things quicker.
You may get it done in 60seconds flat, but you still do
it because it matters.
The same principle applies forcaring for yourself in other
ways.
If we make it a priority, itwill happen, even if it's not
(05:19):
perfect, even if it's not everysingle day.
Because, yes, there are somedays that I go without a shower
because life is just too crazy.
Right, there are some dayswhere I order a pizza because
the planned healthy meal that Ihad just isn't going to work in
the midst of everything that'sgoing on.
So it's okay that everythingdoesn't happen perfectly, but we
(05:43):
have to get our prioritiesstraight so that they do happen
most of the time.
So before we talk about specificpriorities, let's address the
elephant in the room mindset.
If we don't decide what mattersmost, life will decide for us.
And guess what?
Life's priorities are rarelyaligned with what's truly
(06:07):
important.
Here's the truth that's hard toswallow Saying yes to something
means saying no to somethingelse.
So if we're constantly sayingyes to everybody else's needs,
we're often saying no to our own, and that's not sustainable.
It's not the example we want toset for our kids.
We're trying to teach them thattaking care of themselves is
(06:30):
important, and the best way wecan do that is to model that for
them, to model what it lookslike to care for ourselves, to
care for our mental health, tocare for our faith and our
spiritual health, to care forour physical bodies.
So prioritizing yourself, itdoesn't mean neglecting your
(06:50):
kids.
It just means you're equippingyourself to be the parent that
they need.
And you guys, a lot of thethings that we can do to care
for ourselves can be done withour kids, which is modeling it
for them.
But it's about being proactiveinstead of reactive.
When we're not intentionalabout our priorities, we're
(07:11):
setting ourselves up to fail,not just for the day, but for
the long haul.
If we never get ahead of it, ifwe never set ourselves and
self-care and our health as apriority, it's never going to
just happen.
Naturally, we have to be really, really intentional about those
(07:32):
things.
So let's break this down intosome tangible priorities for the
year.
And y'all, not all of this isself-care and wellness stuff.
Some of this is about investingin our kids, too, but these
aren't about adding more to yourplate.
It's really about makingintentional choices that are
(07:55):
going to fill you up.
They're going to help youparent better and they're going
to make you feel better too.
So the first thing is time withGod.
This is a non-negotiable youguys, as foster parents, we're
on the front lines of some ofthe hardest battles, and we just
cannot do it in our ownstrength.
(08:17):
Time in God's word, in prayerand simply sitting in his
presence is what equips us tokeep going.
We need that time.
It is a necessity.
When we rely on him, we're notjust surviving, we're parenting
(08:37):
with his grace, his wisdom, hispeace, and maybe this looks like
starting your morning with aquick devotional His peace.
And maybe this looks likestarting your morning with a
quick devotional.
Maybe it's listening to worshipmusic while you're driving, or
while you're taking a walk, ormaybe you're praying while
you're folding laundry.
Whatever it looks like.
You have to make this apriority.
(08:58):
You have been set apart to bedifferent, and the way that you
approach life has to bedifferent, because the things
that you are doing are harder,they're different than the
average person.
You really need to be, firstand foremost, equipped in his
strength and his wisdom for yourday.
(09:22):
The second thing is spendingtime with safe people.
So spending time with yourspouse or your friends, other
safe relationships where you aregoing to be relationally filled
up.
As much as we love our kids,they can't be the ones who meet
(09:45):
our relational needs.
Even if our kids didn't, hadn'texperienced the trauma that
most of them have, um, theystill couldn't meet those needs.
But, especially because ourkids have previous trauma, they
can't carry that weight ofmeeting our relational needs.
(10:05):
So we need safe adults in ourlives that can encourage us,
that can listen to us, that canpour into us.
And maybe it's a weekly datenight with our spouse, or maybe
we schedule a coffee to catch upwith a friend, or maybe we
schedule a coffee to catch upwith a friend.
I know I have a coffeescheduled with a friend this
(10:27):
week and I am so, so excitedabout it because I know every
moment that I spend with her Ifeel filled up, I feel
encouraged.
She encourages me in the Lord,she encourages me to seek Jesus,
and it's just so nice to be ina safe space like that
relationally.
So make space for thoseconnections.
(10:50):
They are life-giving and, justlike your kids need safe
relationships, people they candepend on, people that are going
to help support them, we needthat in our lives too.
We have to have thoserelationships that are pouring
into us so that we can be thatrelational support for our kids.
(11:12):
So then that leads me to thenext one, and that's connecting
with our kids.
So connecting with our kidsdoesn't have to be elaborate.
It may be reading a bedtimestory and singing a song and
praying at bedtime.
It may mean baking cookiestogether or playing a quick game
(11:33):
of Uno, but these moments ofconnection are what build trust
and what strengthen thatrelationship.
We also know that building thisconnection and this trust and
attachment with our kids is whathelps their brains heal.
So this has to be a top priorityfor us.
This has to be something thatwe set aside time to do each and
(11:57):
every day, and I know I need toget much, much better at this,
in that I spend time with mykids as a group, but I have not
been as intentional lately aboutspending one-on-one time with
my kids.
When they were younger, I usedto schedule five to 10 minutes
(12:19):
every single day, like I wouldtake an hour and I would just
basically rotate from one kid tothe next for five or 10 minutes
in each room with each kidspending time one-on-one time
connecting with that child, andI really need to get back to
that.
Just because my kids are olderand I guess they're busy and
(12:41):
they have their own things goingon, it's not always as easy to
schedule that time, but in thisnew year, that's one of the
things I really want to do is tobe much more intentional about
having that daily one-on-onetime with my kids.
Next week we're diving intosome fun ways to connect with
(13:01):
your kids around food, so makesure you tune into that.
My guest next week is awesomeand really has some great ideas
on how to build connection inthat way.
All right.
Well, let's move on to self-carehabits.
Let's move on to self-carehabits.
(13:23):
So self-care good self-carey'all is not eating a pan of
brownies or a bag of M&Ms andwatching tv.
Sometimes that can feel goodand we need that downtime and
that treat or whatever, butthat's not really caring for for
ourselves.
Well, good self-care means thatwe have daily habits that care
(13:44):
for our bodies.
So it means things likehydration, drinking lots of
water, nutrition, eating wholefoods that are going to nourish
our bodies, that are giving usthe vitamins and minerals that
we need every day us thevitamins and minerals that we
need every day.
Exercise, making sure that we'regetting regular movement.
(14:04):
And, you guys, it doesn't haveto be big.
In fact, for most foster andadoptive parents, you don't want
some really strenuous workoutroutine.
You don't want to spend hoursand hours running unless your
body is used to that, becausethat's going to put additional
stress on your body and yourbody doesn't need any additional
(14:26):
stress.
I say that all the time, but wehave to be really intentional
about that.
But we do need movement, ourbodies need to move.
So maybe it means going for adaily walk after dinner or, you
know, I just got a minitrampoline that is in my room.
(14:46):
My kids had little minitrampolines, you know, when they
were smaller, but they werereally like hard and stiff.
I guess that was on purpose.
This one is super bouncy andit's actually for me to be able
to, you know, jump on for 5, 10,15 minutes, 20 minutes
sometimes, you know, to be ableto get some exercise in when I
(15:10):
am in a hurry.
That's not my normal routine.
I really emphasize strengthtraining and, you know, building
muscle, good muscle mass,through strength training and
that's the way that I normallywork out.
But this extra little bit of away to get movement in has been
(15:32):
great and it has been great formy kids.
I make my kids jump on it for acouple of minutes in the
morning and it's great becauseit gets some of their energy out
and helps them regulate as well.
I can't wait till we get backto school and are able to use
that trampoline, you know,inside during the school day
(15:54):
when they need to get some ofthat out as well.
Back to our good self-carehabits Exercise, getting
movement in, is very, veryimportant.
Just like it's important forour kids, it's important for us
too.
And then rest Rest is reallyimportant for us to be able to
have the energy and for ourbodies to have the time to
(16:17):
restore and kind of rejuvenateso that we're ready to go each
and every day.
So we need to be veryintentional about that,
intentional about our bedtimeroutines and when we're going to
bed at night.
And sometimes you guys, like Isaid, you know saying yes to
something means that we'resaying no to something else.
So saying yes to good sleep andgoing to bed at a decent hour
(16:42):
may mean that, no, I'm not bingewatching Grey's Anatomy or
something of the sort.
Right?
Just important that we'rethinking through those ahead of
time, that we're kind of settingthose standards ahead of time
and these self-care habits arereally going to affect our
parenting.
(17:03):
Did you know that even milddehydration can make you feel
irritable and foggy?
Or eating a balanced meal canhelp you still stay regulated
during stressful moments, and Idon't know about you, but I need
all the help that I can get tostay regulated and patient when
things kind of get chaotic.
(17:24):
So when we're taking care ofour bodies, we are much better
equipped to handle whatever theday throws at us.
And we want that.
We want to be good parents thatare showing up, not reactionary
but really proactive, thinkingthrough each situation logically
.
And part of that self-care isgood nutrition.
(17:47):
Good nutrition really isfoundational, starting with
protein at every meal and eatingat regular intervals.
We teach this with our kids.
Right Like when you go throughtrauma training.
You understand that it helpsfor kids to eat every two hours
because it helps them fromgetting dysregulated.
(18:07):
Well, the same thing is truefor us.
Because of the environment thatwe live in, our bodies are more
prone to go into that fight,flight or freeze response, and
so if our blood sugar drops orif we get hungry, it signals to
our body that we're that we needto be looking for food, we need
(18:29):
to go into survival mode, andthat's not what we want.
We don't want our bodies to bestressed in that way.
I believe in intermittentfasting.
I think it can be helpful, butif you're already stressed,
fasting for longer than 12 hourscan really overwhelm your body
sometimes when you're already inthat stressed state.
(18:50):
I always tell my clients, ifyou're having a stressful week
and you intermittent fast, pullthat back a little bit to make
sure that you're doing that12-hour eating window and
12-hour fasting window.
But eating, even if you dopractice intermittent fasting
and if you don't know what thatis, you can go back to one of my
(19:12):
previous podcasts where I talkabout ways to manage your health
or whatever but if you dopractice intermittent fasting,
eating at regular intervalsduring your eating window will
help teach your body that youare going to get food at a
regular interval and so it willlearn to trust that even if
(19:36):
you're going 12 hours withouteating y'all which most of that
is sleeping anyway most of usnaturally fast for 12 hours.
But if you are eating at two tothree hour intervals throughout
the day, then your body learnsto trust that the next meal is
coming soon.
Right, you teach it that it'sgoing to be fed every two to
(20:00):
three hours.
But if you skip meals, if yougo all day without eating and
then you're starving right atfive o'clock, your body is in a
stressed mode.
Your body is in a survival modebecause it hasn't been fed
regularly.
So just like we wouldn't dothat to our kids, we don't want
(20:21):
to do that to ourselves either.
Focus on whole foods and reallylimit your processed options.
I know fast food can betempting when you're busy, but
it doesn't really fuel you inthe way that your body needs.
And actually processed foodsand some of the seed oils and
(20:44):
other things that are inprocessed foods can actually add
stress to our bodies.
So again, we don't need anyadditional stress.
So really make that goodnutrition and good self-care
habits part of your prioritylist.
It needs to be a priority.
You need to think through howyou're going to implement those
(21:04):
things on a regular basis.
You're not going to do thisperfectly, and that's okay.
Some of my clients, you knowthey just focus on water.
And guess what, if that's allyou do today?
That's your one intentionalchoice that you're making.
That's where you're starting.
Great, I love it.
Focus on water today, make surethat you're drinking enough
(21:26):
water every single day and then,after a couple of weeks of that
, try adding in something else.
You don't have to shifteverything all at once.
I think that's one of themistakes that we generally make
on January 1st is like we wantto completely turn the boat
upside down, like we want to doeverything differently this year
(21:47):
, and so we try to do everythingdifferently at once and we just
can't keep up with it.
So start with a couple of smallhabits.
First, start with water, startwith taking a walk or whatever,
and then continue to add on asthe year goes on.
Don't beat yourself up if youdon't do all of this.
(22:07):
If you can't get everything inin a day, it's not a big deal.
Just like you don't beatyourself of this if you can't
get everything in in a day.
It's not a big deal.
Just like you don't beatyourself up if you miss a shower
.
Don't beat yourself up if youfall short in other areas.
Grace is the key, both foryourself and for those around
you.
When we hold ourselves toperfection, lots of times, we
(22:30):
project that on the peoplearound us too.
We want them to be perfect too,so we need to give ourselves
grace, and then we will be morelikely to give them grace too.
It's not about perfection.
It's about making progress,small, consistent steps.
They will add up over time.
So celebrate the wins, nomatter how small they seem, and
(22:51):
let the setbacks teach you, notdefine you.
Before we wrap up, I want toshare something that I'm really
excited about.
My six-week coaching programstarts back this month, and it's
specifically for foster,adoptive, kinship and special
needs parents.
What makes my coaching uniqueis that it's tailored for
(23:12):
parents like you.
Your stressors are differentand your health plan should
reflect that.
Plus, our group creates a senseof camaraderie that goes beyond
health and wellness.
We talk about faith, kids,marriage and all the things that
make up this beautiful,challenging life, and because
we're all in similar situations,we can all be there to support
(23:36):
and encourage one another.
I use the Faster Way to Fat Lossplatform because it's built
around sustainable, healthyhabits and not quick fixes.
It's really about eating realfood, drinking water and
building muscle, and I know youguys that sounds so simple, but
it can be hard for us to knowhow to do it how much to eat,
(24:00):
how much to work out, whatshould we be lifting, what
exercises we should do.
So this gives us a plan ofaction and you have
accountability, both from me andfrom people in our group.
Part of the reason I partnerwith them also is because of the
technology and support thatthey offer.
So they give daily workouts andeverything is done through this
(24:22):
amazing app that makeseverything so seamless for my
clients.
I do tailor the program just abit.
Your lifestyle may look alittle different, and so the way
that you care for your bodyreally needs to take that into
consideration.
So I give you a lot ofeducation on how trauma impacts
(24:42):
your body and specific ways tosupport it.
If that's something that youmay be interested in, I'll put a
link in the show notes.
January spots fill up reallyquickly because everybody's
motivated in January, so I'mactually offering two different
sessions in January.
Usually, I just offer asix-week session every month,
(25:04):
but in January we're doing twodifferent sessions.
One starts January 6th and theother one starts January 27th.
I do have a discount code forthe January 6th session, but
it's only good for the next twodays.
So if you do want that discountcode, message me on Instagram
at Nicole T Barlow, and I'll besure to send it over to you.
(25:28):
But again, that discount codeexpires on January 2nd, so make
sure you do that quickly andI'll put a registration link in
the show notes if you'reinterested in signing up for
either of those sessions.
Well, friends, as we step intothe new year, my prayer is
(25:48):
really that you'll feel God'sstrength and grace in every step
.
Happy new year.
My prayer is really that you'llfeel God's strength and grace
in every step.
Happy new year.
I'll see you next week.
As we really wrap up, let mepray for us.
Heavenly Father, I'm sothankful for this new year.
Lord, thank you have broughtaround me in 2024.
(26:09):
I'm so excited about what 2025holds.
Lord, let us enter into thisnew year with hope, with promise
and looking to you every stepof the way.
Lord, help us to set ourpriorities.
Give us wisdom and discernmentabout what order things should
(26:30):
go.
We know, first and foremost,our relationship with you is the
most important.
We cannot do anything apartfrom you.
God, strengthen us as we headinto this new year and allow us
to continue to parent our kidsand to build up our families in
(26:51):
the love and grace of your sonJesus Christ.
In Jesus' name, amen, thank you.
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