June 4, 2025 • 23 mins
Ever found yourself triggered by your child's meltdown, wondering how to break the cycle of dysregulation? This summer rewind episode tackles one of the most challenging aspects of foster and adoptive parenting: staying calm when everything around you is chaos.
Drawing from personal experience as both a certified parent trainer and adoptive mom to five siblings from foster care, I share seven practical strategies that can transform how you respond in moments of intense dysregulation. Beyond just techniques, we explore the science behind why both children and adults move into fight, flight, or freeze responses, and how understanding these patterns creates pathways to healing.
The foundation of calm parenting starts before crisis hits. Most parents focus extensively on meeting their children's basic needs while neglecting their own. We dive into specific nutritional needs often overlooked (like the fact most women consume less than half the protein they require daily) and how proper self-care creates the physiological capacity for emotional regulation. From practical interventions like using cold sensations to reset your nervous system, to spiritual practices that center your heart in the storm, these strategies work in real-life situations with real kids.
What sets this episode apart is its honesty about the human limitations we all face. Perfect regulation isn't possible, and that's okay. These moments of repair actually provide powerful opportunities to model the very skills we hope to teach our children. Whether you're parenting kids from hard places or simply trying to navigate life's challenges with more grace, these insights will empower you to foster deeper connection even in your most difficult moments.
Looking for more support on your parenting journey? Connect with me on Instagram @NicoleTBarlow where we continue the conversation about fostering parent well-being alongside child healing.
Get My Newsletter: https://nicoletbarlow.myflodesk.com/fosterparentwellnewsletter
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the podcast.
(01:40):
I'm your host, Nicole T Barlow.
If you're new to the podcast,I'm a foster and adoptive parent
trainer and a mom to six,including five children that we
adopted as a sibling group fromfoster care.
I'm passionate about helpingparents be the best parents that
we can be to our kiddos,because the truth is, sometimes
this parenting gig is hard andso often people just don't get
(02:03):
it.
But I do, and I wanted acommunity where parents felt
seen and understood and where wetalked about real life tools
and resources to help us as wedo this hard work.
So here we are.
In this episode.
We're going to talk about howto stay calm in moments of chaos
.
All of my kids have verydifferent personalities and how
(02:25):
they react to trauma and fearcan vary based on each child,
but in the mix of my crew I haveseveral fighters.
Do you have any fighters inyour family?
Generally speaking, there arethree main ways that we respond
to trauma we fight, we flight orwe freeze.
They've also added a F-A-W-Nresponse, but today we're going
(02:51):
to stick with the big threefight, flight and freeze.
In addition to our kids'survival responses, we also tend
to have a primary survivalresponse.
I am, for sure, a fighter.
There are times when I'll gointo freeze mode when life in
general just gets overwhelmingor chaotic.
(03:12):
But in general my survivalresponse is to fight back when
our kids become dysregulated.
Many times it can pull us in tobe dysregulated as well.
So it's important that weunderstand how to calm our own
nervous system so that we can bea calming influence over our
kids.
If we can be calm and ourheartbeat and our breathing is
(03:35):
steady, it can help our childrenget back to a more regulated
state.
But if we aren't calm, if weare in our own survival response
, it's only going to intensifythe chaos.
Last night I went to go see aprivate screening of a new movie
that comes out on July 4th.
It's called Sound of Hope theStory of Possum Trot.
(03:59):
It's produced by Angel Studios.
By Angel Studios and our localdivision of America's Kids
Belong, georgia Kids Belonghosted a screening in order to
promote the upcoming movierelease.
The movie is based off of atrue story about a church that
adopted 77 kids from foster carein their area.
(04:20):
I wasn't really sure what toexpect from the movie, except
that it would most likelypromote and highlight people,
specifically people in thechurch, getting involved in
foster care and adoption the onearea that surprised me the most
, though, about the movie itself, was that they showed the
parents struggling.
They showed the parents gettingdysregulated and reacting in
(04:44):
the moment instead of alwaysgiving this reflective, calm,
discerning response, and Ithought this made the movie seem
so much more real.
How many times in movies, rightspecifically movies about
adoption and foster care andthat kind of stuff do the
parents always give this perfect, like curated response?
(05:06):
Right, and it's just not reallife.
I mean, as parents, we don'talways respond how we should.
We are human and we aresusceptible to our own survival
instincts kicking in and tryingto keep us safe, but we need to
learn how to regulate our ownnervous system so that we are
(05:27):
able to respond more often towhat our child needs in the
moment instead of reacting basedoff of our own survival state.
So today I have seven ways thatwe can work to stay calm in the
moment.
The first one is to beproactive.
Most of what prepares us for amoment of chaos is the many
(05:49):
moments that come before thechaos, lots of times.
Once that chaos hits, once achild starts melting down, you
don't have much time in order toregulate yourself right, and so
we have to prepare ourselvesahead of time, much like we do
our kids, if we want to set ourkids up, if we want to empower
(06:10):
them to have a good day, to beable to respond the way that
they should.
We're gonna make sure that theyget a good night's sleep.
We're gonna make sure thatthey're drinking plenty of water
, that they're gettingnutritious food, that they're
getting plenty of water, thatthey're getting nutritious food,
that they're getting plenty ofmovement in.
Well, the same is true for us.
You have to remember that youroxygen mask needs to go on
(06:34):
before you can help your childwith theirs.
So, in terms of regulating ourown system, we need to make sure
we're getting our own basicneeds met.
That means we need to make surethat we are getting seven to
nine hours of sleep most nights.
I know that this isn't alwayseasy and it's not always
(06:55):
possible.
Sometimes it's just notpossible, but if at all possible
, we need to set ourselves upfor success.
We need to try to go to bed alittle earlier.
We need to turn off Netflix,right?
We need to put down the bookthat we're reading or whatever.
We need to be able todisconnect and let our body get
the rest that it needs.
(07:15):
We need to drink half of ourbody weight in ounces of water
every day.
We need to make sure that we'restaying hydrated.
Dehydration, even milddehydration, will send your body
into a survival state.
We need to make sure that we'reeating every couple of hours and
(07:37):
to make sure that we are eatinggood, nutrient-dense foods that
are going to fuel our body well.
I'm big on tracking macronutrients.
That means I track the amountof carbs, proteins and fats that
I eat each day to make surethat I'm getting enough fuel for
my body.
Most women are severely lackingin protein intake.
(08:01):
So, generally speaking, womenshould be getting somewhere
around 100 grams of protein,depending on your weight and
individual needs.
For some women it may be muchhigher than that.
For some women it may be alittle less, but it generally is
around that 100 grams ofprotein mark.
The average woman gets about 46grams of protein a day.
(08:25):
That's nowhere near where mostwomen should be.
So we need to make sure thatwe're prioritizing protein, that
we're making sure that we getenough of it in our diet to fuel
our body well.
Fiber intake is also the otherthing that often we miss out on.
Fiber is huge for gut healthand mental health.
(08:46):
Women generally should begetting about 25 grams of fiber
a day.
Men usually it's about 35 gramsof fiber a day.
So if you aren't sure thatyou're getting enough of the
right things, start by trackingit on an app like MyFitnessPal,
which is free, and you can startto see where you can improve on
(09:10):
your nutrition.
And I know you guys thatTracking your nutrition may not
seem important in the grandscheme of things, as you're
looking at your kids' needs andoften our kids have so many
needs that are really, reallyimportant, that are really
pressing but if we don't startwith our own nutrition, with our
(09:33):
own health, then we're notgoing to be who our kids need us
to be in their moments of chaos.
In my six-week coaching program, we spend quite a bit of time
on fueling our bodies.
Well, because it's so crucialto being able to be a calm,
patient parent that our kidsneed.
(09:53):
The second part of this beingproactive thing is really making
sure that we're getting regularmovement, in that we're moving
our body on a regular basis.
It means that we are walking orrunning.
It means that we are liftingweights or strength training in
some sort of a way.
(10:13):
My daily walk is anon-negotiable.
Every single day I'm going toget a walk in, and some days it
may be a quick walk on thetreadmill.
I prefer longer walks outsidethe sunshine.
The fresh air can do so muchfor our nervous system and also
(10:36):
that walking, that rhythmicmotion, can be great to help
regulate our nervous system aswell.
So making sure that you getthings like that in Strength
training, building our musclemass, is critical to our overall
health and we need to be at ourbest for our kids.
(10:57):
As women, we tend to under eat,especially if we're trying to
lose weight or we're trying tohave body changes or whatever.
And our kids are watching that.
You guys.
Our kids are watching how wetake care of our health.
And if we're under eating, ifwe're not fueling our bodies
with enough of the right foods,then you can almost guarantee
(11:21):
that it's going to be reallyhard to be that patient parent
that we need to be in themoments of chaos.
So, number one be proactive.
Make sure that your body isbeing empowered by getting the
nutrients, by getting the water,by getting the sleep and the
movement that it needs each day,even if we fueled our bodies
(11:44):
well and gotten plenty of sleepand are well hydrated, it can
still be a challenge to staycalm in the moment.
So my number two tip is to praywhen you see things start to go
off track.
If you see a child start to getdysregulated, they start to get
frustrated, they start to getupset.
(12:04):
Just take a quick second andpray, ask the Lord for wisdom,
ask the Lord to guide you, askthe Lord to give you discernment
and ask the Lord to be able tohelp keep you calm, to have
self-control in that moment.
Self-control is something thatcomes from the Spirit and so we
(12:25):
can ask for that in the momentwhen we need it.
Just ask the Lord for wisdomand to be able to see what your
child needs, just really quick,as you head into that
interaction.
The third thing is to drinkwater in the moment.
So this allows you a moment togive your body something that it
(12:49):
needs.
I think it's a good reminderfor our system that we're being
taken care of, we are safe, weare getting what we need, but it
also helps calm our nervoussystem in the moment.
I will often ask one of myother kids to go grab my water
for me while I sit with thedysregulated child.
Sometimes I'll ask them to getthe dysregulated child's water
(13:11):
as well.
That way we can sit together,have a sip of water and help
calm our system before we startany kind of talking or
interaction.
Number four is to turn on music.
I love a good worship song tohelp calm me down in tough
moments.
I told you that I have severalkids that are fighters and so a
(13:37):
lot of times the way that itcomes out in them when they're
dysregulated is screaming.
I have a lot of screamers in myhouse, you guys, it can be very
, very loud.
My watch has a loud environmentsetting that goes off pretty
regularly.
But one of the things thathelps me in those moments is I
(14:00):
try to sit with the dysregulatedchild to help co-regulate with
them.
But one of the ways that I oftenkeep myself calm in those
moments is to turn on worshipmusic.
It helps to regulate yournervous system when you sing,
but I think specifically singingworship is so powerful in these
(14:24):
moments.
First of all, I think on aspiritual level, it just does
something to be able to praiseGod in the midst of your heart.
But it also reminds me of truth.
It reminds me of what'simportant.
It reminds me that I'm safe andthat God is in control, and
(14:46):
that it reminds me that there isa spiritual battle that we're
facing, that the enemy is notflesh and blood, but rather
something much bigger trying totake over our family and our
home.
I have a great playlist.
If you need one, just DM me onInstagram, at Nicole T Barlow,
and I will send it to you.
(15:07):
I think that music, though, canbe very regulating for us in
the moment.
It can also be regulating forour kids, so sometimes I will
listen to my AirPods just sothat I can hear the music, but
other times I'll just play it onmy phone so that the child can
(15:27):
hear it as well, because a lotof times, that will help them
regulate and calm down too.
All right.
The fifth thing is breathing andheart regulation.
A couple of years ago, webought a couple of the Pulse Ox
finger monitors, and a lot oftimes, I'll put one on my finger
(15:48):
and one on the other child'sfinger, and we'll create a
little race in taking deepbreaths and trying to bring down
our heart rates.
Sometimes, though, the child'snot in a state where they're
even regulated enough to be ableto do that, and so I will just
watch my heart monitor on mywatch and I will personally try
(16:12):
to take some deep breaths tobring down my own heart rate.
Either way, taking datainventory of what my body is
doing in the moment helps takeme out of the moment.
It helps take me out of what'sgoing on and concentrate on
making sure that my system isregulated at that time.
(16:33):
And then number six is to shakeit up.
Try something out of the normso maybe it's splashing your
face with a little cold water,or grab an ice cube.
This can help ground you and itcan help your brain refocus on
the ice and the response thatyour body has to the cold versus
(16:56):
the circumstance andenvironmental triggers that are
going on at the moment.
It really helps your brain getreengaged.
Or one time I grabbed a darkchocolate almond in the moment
because I had heard or readsomewhere that dark chocolate
could help, and I ended upgiving one to my child too.
I was like, hey, my body reallyneeds regulating in the moment,
(17:20):
like I'm feeling a littleanxious and so I'm going to eat
this dark chocolate almondbecause I read that it could
help calm me down.
Do you want a dark chocolatealmond as well, and we can see
if it works on you.
And so she was very willing totry, and it did the trick.
I'm not sure if it was actuallythe dark chocolate that did the
(17:44):
trick or if it was just each ofus getting out of the tension
of the moment for a second thathelped calm us down.
Either way it worked, and soI'm thankful for that.
But try to step outside of thebox.
Try to do something different.
Try to shake things up a bit sothat you aren't just stuck
(18:05):
there in the tension of themoment.
The number seven is to look forthe need.
Be a detective.
Remind yourself that this isnot about you and I'll talk
about that in just a second,because generally I hate that
phrase but use a phrase toremind yourself and your own
(18:26):
brain that you're safe, thatyou're not in danger and that
you're simply helping a childwho is scared.
What is it that your sweetchild needs in the moment?
If they were an infant andcrying, you would need to
determine the need in much thesame way.
In this moment, your child maybe struggling and need comfort
or reassurance, or maybe theyhave a need and may just not be
(18:49):
asking for it in a way that isstraightforward and direct.
How can you help them discoverwhat they need and then help
them communicate it better?
So I know that looking for theneed is hard when your child is
dysregulated.
They may be aggressive, theymay be calling you names, and I
know that it's not alwayshelpful for someone to tell you
(19:12):
not to take it personally.
We were created forrelationship, we were created
for connection and our brainsare created for survival.
So when our brains sense dangeror when they even if it's not
physical danger but emotionaldanger because somebody is
(19:35):
calling us a name or screamingat us, our brain doesn't know
that it's a child and that thechild doesn't understand what
they're doing.
So we are going to take itpersonally.
I don't think that there's anyway that you can sit through
being screamed at on a regularbasis or being called names or a
(19:57):
child that gets physicallyaggressive with you on a regular
basis.
I don't think that there's anyway that you can sit through
that and never take itpersonally.
But I think we have to stay ina state of constantly reminding
ourselves that that this isn'tabout us.
It's about going back to theirtrauma, reminding ourselves of
(20:22):
what they've gone through,reminding ourselves that they
are in a state of fear over andover and over again.
I also think that it's reallyimportant you guys, if you need
to, to get in therapy yourselfso that you have a place to
process sort of what this feelslike.
(20:43):
If you're having a hard time,you know, not taking everything
that your child says personally,that your child says personally
then maybe create a space, evenwith a spouse or a friend or a
therapist right, that you cantalk through those things with
and kind of get it out, whereyou can have a space of
(21:04):
connection with anotherindividual.
You can have a relationshipwith another individual where
you can process some of thosefeelings, because the truth is,
in those moments, we do need tobe able to step outside of
ourselves and to be a detectiveto figure out what our child
(21:26):
needs and to be able to meetthat need without getting
offended all of the time.
You can do this, hopefully.
Some of these tips were helpfuland will help you stay calm in
moments of chaos.
But there's one more thing thatI want to say Give yourself
grace.
(21:46):
You are human.
You are gonna mess up.
You aren't going to get thisperfect every single time, and
that's okay.
It gives us an opportunity tomodel repair, to model asking
for forgiveness from our kids.
We can set that example forthem as well.
(22:08):
Thank you for joining me today.
If you're enjoying this podcast, please leave a review and
share it with your friends, andI'd love to connect with you
over on Instagram.
You can find me at Nicole TBarlow.
Let me pray for us as we closeout.
Heavenly Father, I'm so thankfulfor a community of believers
(22:31):
that can go walk this journeytogether, that can go through
these hard things together, thatwe can support one another,
that we can lift each other up,that we can encourage one
another, lord, that we canremind each other of truth and
who you are, that you are ourprotector.
(22:51):
We don't have to act out offear when we're dealing with
chaos in our homes, lord.
We can start from a place oftrust, knowing that we are cared
for, that we are seen, that weare heard, that we are safe.
Lord, help us look to you forevery need.
Lord, help us look to you forevery need, for all of our
(23:13):
comfort.
It's not going to be found inour circumstance, lord.
Satisfaction is not going to befound here on this earth, lord,
it can only be found in you.
We love you.
We trust you In Jesus' nameAmen.
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the podcast.
(01:40):
I'm your host, Nicole T Barlow.
If you're new to the podcast,I'm a foster and adoptive parent
trainer and a mom to six,including five children that we
adopted as a sibling group fromfoster care.
I'm passionate about helpingparents be the best parents that
we can be to our kiddos,because the truth is, sometimes
this parenting gig is hard andso often people just don't get
(02:03):
it.
But I do, and I wanted acommunity where parents felt
seen and understood and where wetalked about real life tools
and resources to help us as wedo this hard work.
So here we are.
In this episode.
We're going to talk about howto stay calm in moments of chaos
.
All of my kids have verydifferent personalities and how
(02:25):
they react to trauma and fearcan vary based on each child,
but in the mix of my crew I haveseveral fighters.
Do you have any fighters inyour family?
Generally speaking, there arethree main ways that we respond
to trauma we fight, we flight orwe freeze.
They've also added a F-A-W-Nresponse, but today we're going
(02:51):
to stick with the big threefight, flight and freeze.
In addition to our kids'survival responses, we also tend
to have a primary survivalresponse.
I am, for sure, a fighter.
There are times when I'll gointo freeze mode when life in
general just gets overwhelmingor chaotic.
(03:12):
But in general my survivalresponse is to fight back when
our kids become dysregulated.
Many times it can pull us in tobe dysregulated as well.
So it's important that weunderstand how to calm our own
nervous system so that we can bea calming influence over our
kids.
If we can be calm and ourheartbeat and our breathing is
(03:35):
steady, it can help our childrenget back to a more regulated
state.
But if we aren't calm, if weare in our own survival response
, it's only going to intensifythe chaos.
Last night I went to go see aprivate screening of a new movie
that comes out on July 4th.
It's called Sound of Hope theStory of Possum Trot.
(03:59):
It's produced by Angel Studios.
By Angel Studios and our localdivision of America's Kids
Belong, georgia Kids Belonghosted a screening in order to
promote the upcoming movierelease.
The movie is based off of atrue story about a church that
adopted 77 kids from foster carein their area.
(04:20):
I wasn't really sure what toexpect from the movie, except
that it would most likelypromote and highlight people,
specifically people in thechurch, getting involved in
foster care and adoption the onearea that surprised me the most
, though, about the movie itself, was that they showed the
parents struggling.
They showed the parents gettingdysregulated and reacting in
(04:44):
the moment instead of alwaysgiving this reflective, calm,
discerning response, and Ithought this made the movie seem
so much more real.
How many times in movies, rightspecifically movies about
adoption and foster care andthat kind of stuff do the
parents always give this perfect, like curated response?
(05:06):
Right, and it's just not reallife.
I mean, as parents, we don'talways respond how we should.
We are human and we aresusceptible to our own survival
instincts kicking in and tryingto keep us safe, but we need to
learn how to regulate our ownnervous system so that we are
(05:27):
able to respond more often towhat our child needs in the
moment instead of reacting basedoff of our own survival state.
So today I have seven ways thatwe can work to stay calm in the
moment.
The first one is to beproactive.
Most of what prepares us for amoment of chaos is the many
(05:49):
moments that come before thechaos, lots of times.
Once that chaos hits, once achild starts melting down, you
don't have much time in order toregulate yourself right, and so
we have to prepare ourselvesahead of time, much like we do
our kids, if we want to set ourkids up, if we want to empower
(06:10):
them to have a good day, to beable to respond the way that
they should.
We're gonna make sure that theyget a good night's sleep.
We're gonna make sure thatthey're drinking plenty of water
, that they're gettingnutritious food, that they're
getting plenty of water, thatthey're getting nutritious food,
that they're getting plenty ofmovement in.
Well, the same is true for us.
You have to remember that youroxygen mask needs to go on
(06:34):
before you can help your childwith theirs.
So, in terms of regulating ourown system, we need to make sure
we're getting our own basicneeds met.
That means we need to make surethat we are getting seven to
nine hours of sleep most nights.
I know that this isn't alwayseasy and it's not always
(06:55):
possible.
Sometimes it's just notpossible, but if at all possible
, we need to set ourselves upfor success.
We need to try to go to bed alittle earlier.
We need to turn off Netflix,right?
We need to put down the bookthat we're reading or whatever.
We need to be able todisconnect and let our body get
the rest that it needs.
(07:15):
We need to drink half of ourbody weight in ounces of water
every day.
We need to make sure that we'restaying hydrated.
Dehydration, even milddehydration, will send your body
into a survival state.
We need to make sure that we'reeating every couple of hours and
(07:37):
to make sure that we are eatinggood, nutrient-dense foods that
are going to fuel our body well.
I'm big on tracking macronutrients.
That means I track the amountof carbs, proteins and fats that
I eat each day to make surethat I'm getting enough fuel for
my body.
Most women are severely lackingin protein intake.
(08:01):
So, generally speaking, womenshould be getting somewhere
around 100 grams of protein,depending on your weight and
individual needs.
For some women it may be muchhigher than that.
For some women it may be alittle less, but it generally is
around that 100 grams ofprotein mark.
The average woman gets about 46grams of protein a day.
(08:25):
That's nowhere near where mostwomen should be.
So we need to make sure thatwe're prioritizing protein, that
we're making sure that we getenough of it in our diet to fuel
our body well.
Fiber intake is also the otherthing that often we miss out on.
Fiber is huge for gut healthand mental health.
(08:46):
Women generally should begetting about 25 grams of fiber
a day.
Men usually it's about 35 gramsof fiber a day.
So if you aren't sure thatyou're getting enough of the
right things, start by trackingit on an app like MyFitnessPal,
which is free, and you can startto see where you can improve on
(09:10):
your nutrition.
And I know you guys thatTracking your nutrition may not
seem important in the grandscheme of things, as you're
looking at your kids' needs andoften our kids have so many
needs that are really, reallyimportant, that are really
pressing but if we don't startwith our own nutrition, with our
(09:33):
own health, then we're notgoing to be who our kids need us
to be in their moments of chaos.
In my six-week coaching program, we spend quite a bit of time
on fueling our bodies.
Well, because it's so crucialto being able to be a calm,
patient parent that our kidsneed.
(09:53):
The second part of this beingproactive thing is really making
sure that we're getting regularmovement, in that we're moving
our body on a regular basis.
It means that we are walking orrunning.
It means that we are liftingweights or strength training in
some sort of a way.
(10:13):
My daily walk is anon-negotiable.
Every single day I'm going toget a walk in, and some days it
may be a quick walk on thetreadmill.
I prefer longer walks outsidethe sunshine.
The fresh air can do so muchfor our nervous system and also
(10:36):
that walking, that rhythmicmotion, can be great to help
regulate our nervous system aswell.
So making sure that you getthings like that in Strength
training, building our musclemass, is critical to our overall
health and we need to be at ourbest for our kids.
(10:57):
As women, we tend to under eat,especially if we're trying to
lose weight or we're trying tohave body changes or whatever.
And our kids are watching that.
You guys.
Our kids are watching how wetake care of our health.
And if we're under eating, ifwe're not fueling our bodies
with enough of the right foods,then you can almost guarantee
(11:21):
that it's going to be reallyhard to be that patient parent
that we need to be in themoments of chaos.
So, number one be proactive.
Make sure that your body isbeing empowered by getting the
nutrients, by getting the water,by getting the sleep and the
movement that it needs each day,even if we fueled our bodies
(11:44):
well and gotten plenty of sleepand are well hydrated, it can
still be a challenge to staycalm in the moment.
So my number two tip is to praywhen you see things start to go
off track.
If you see a child start to getdysregulated, they start to get
frustrated, they start to getupset.
(12:04):
Just take a quick second andpray, ask the Lord for wisdom,
ask the Lord to guide you, askthe Lord to give you discernment
and ask the Lord to be able tohelp keep you calm, to have
self-control in that moment.
Self-control is something thatcomes from the Spirit and so we
(12:25):
can ask for that in the momentwhen we need it.
Just ask the Lord for wisdomand to be able to see what your
child needs, just really quick,as you head into that
interaction.
The third thing is to drinkwater in the moment.
So this allows you a moment togive your body something that it
(12:49):
needs.
I think it's a good reminderfor our system that we're being
taken care of, we are safe, weare getting what we need, but it
also helps calm our nervoussystem in the moment.
I will often ask one of myother kids to go grab my water
for me while I sit with thedysregulated child.
Sometimes I'll ask them to getthe dysregulated child's water
(13:11):
as well.
That way we can sit together,have a sip of water and help
calm our system before we startany kind of talking or
interaction.
Number four is to turn on music.
I love a good worship song tohelp calm me down in tough
moments.
I told you that I have severalkids that are fighters and so a
(13:37):
lot of times the way that itcomes out in them when they're
dysregulated is screaming.
I have a lot of screamers in myhouse, you guys, it can be very
, very loud.
My watch has a loud environmentsetting that goes off pretty
regularly.
But one of the things thathelps me in those moments is I
(14:00):
try to sit with the dysregulatedchild to help co-regulate with
them.
But one of the ways that I oftenkeep myself calm in those
moments is to turn on worshipmusic.
It helps to regulate yournervous system when you sing,
but I think specifically singingworship is so powerful in these
(14:24):
moments.
First of all, I think on aspiritual level, it just does
something to be able to praiseGod in the midst of your heart.
But it also reminds me of truth.
It reminds me of what'simportant.
It reminds me that I'm safe andthat God is in control, and
(14:46):
that it reminds me that there isa spiritual battle that we're
facing, that the enemy is notflesh and blood, but rather
something much bigger trying totake over our family and our
home.
I have a great playlist.
If you need one, just DM me onInstagram, at Nicole T Barlow,
and I will send it to you.
(15:07):
I think that music, though, canbe very regulating for us in
the moment.
It can also be regulating forour kids, so sometimes I will
listen to my AirPods just sothat I can hear the music, but
other times I'll just play it onmy phone so that the child can
(15:27):
hear it as well, because a lotof times, that will help them
regulate and calm down too.
All right.
The fifth thing is breathing andheart regulation.
A couple of years ago, webought a couple of the Pulse Ox
finger monitors, and a lot oftimes, I'll put one on my finger
(15:48):
and one on the other child'sfinger, and we'll create a
little race in taking deepbreaths and trying to bring down
our heart rates.
Sometimes, though, the child'snot in a state where they're
even regulated enough to be ableto do that, and so I will just
watch my heart monitor on mywatch and I will personally try
(16:12):
to take some deep breaths tobring down my own heart rate.
Either way, taking datainventory of what my body is
doing in the moment helps takeme out of the moment.
It helps take me out of what'sgoing on and concentrate on
making sure that my system isregulated at that time.
(16:33):
And then number six is to shakeit up.
Try something out of the normso maybe it's splashing your
face with a little cold water,or grab an ice cube.
This can help ground you and itcan help your brain refocus on
the ice and the response thatyour body has to the cold versus
(16:56):
the circumstance andenvironmental triggers that are
going on at the moment.
It really helps your brain getreengaged.
Or one time I grabbed a darkchocolate almond in the moment
because I had heard or readsomewhere that dark chocolate
could help, and I ended upgiving one to my child too.
I was like, hey, my body reallyneeds regulating in the moment,
(17:20):
like I'm feeling a littleanxious and so I'm going to eat
this dark chocolate almondbecause I read that it could
help calm me down.
Do you want a dark chocolatealmond as well, and we can see
if it works on you.
And so she was very willing totry, and it did the trick.
I'm not sure if it was actuallythe dark chocolate that did the
(17:44):
trick or if it was just each ofus getting out of the tension
of the moment for a second thathelped calm us down.
Either way it worked, and soI'm thankful for that.
But try to step outside of thebox.
Try to do something different.
Try to shake things up a bit sothat you aren't just stuck
(18:05):
there in the tension of themoment.
The number seven is to look forthe need.
Be a detective.
Remind yourself that this isnot about you and I'll talk
about that in just a second,because generally I hate that
phrase but use a phrase toremind yourself and your own
(18:26):
brain that you're safe, thatyou're not in danger and that
you're simply helping a childwho is scared.
What is it that your sweetchild needs in the moment?
If they were an infant andcrying, you would need to
determine the need in much thesame way.
In this moment, your child maybe struggling and need comfort
or reassurance, or maybe theyhave a need and may just not be
(18:49):
asking for it in a way that isstraightforward and direct.
How can you help them discoverwhat they need and then help
them communicate it better?
So I know that looking for theneed is hard when your child is
dysregulated.
They may be aggressive, theymay be calling you names, and I
know that it's not alwayshelpful for someone to tell you
(19:12):
not to take it personally.
We were created forrelationship, we were created
for connection and our brainsare created for survival.
So when our brains sense dangeror when they even if it's not
physical danger but emotionaldanger because somebody is
(19:35):
calling us a name or screamingat us, our brain doesn't know
that it's a child and that thechild doesn't understand what
they're doing.
So we are going to take itpersonally.
I don't think that there's anyway that you can sit through
being screamed at on a regularbasis or being called names or a
(19:57):
child that gets physicallyaggressive with you on a regular
basis.
I don't think that there's anyway that you can sit through
that and never take itpersonally.
But I think we have to stay ina state of constantly reminding
ourselves that that this isn'tabout us.
It's about going back to theirtrauma, reminding ourselves of
(20:22):
what they've gone through,reminding ourselves that they
are in a state of fear over andover and over again.
I also think that it's reallyimportant you guys, if you need
to, to get in therapy yourselfso that you have a place to
process sort of what this feelslike.
(20:43):
If you're having a hard time,you know, not taking everything
that your child says personally,that your child says personally
then maybe create a space, evenwith a spouse or a friend or a
therapist right, that you cantalk through those things with
and kind of get it out, whereyou can have a space of
(21:04):
connection with anotherindividual.
You can have a relationshipwith another individual where
you can process some of thosefeelings, because the truth is,
in those moments, we do need tobe able to step outside of
ourselves and to be a detectiveto figure out what our child
(21:26):
needs and to be able to meetthat need without getting
offended all of the time.
You can do this, hopefully.
Some of these tips were helpfuland will help you stay calm in
moments of chaos.
But there's one more thing thatI want to say Give yourself
grace.
(21:46):
You are human.
You are gonna mess up.
You aren't going to get thisperfect every single time, and
that's okay.
It gives us an opportunity tomodel repair, to model asking
for forgiveness from our kids.
We can set that example forthem as well.
(22:08):
Thank you for joining me today.
If you're enjoying this podcast, please leave a review and
share it with your friends, andI'd love to connect with you
over on Instagram.
You can find me at Nicole TBarlow.
Let me pray for us as we closeout.
Heavenly Father, I'm so thankfulfor a community of believers
(22:31):
that can go walk this journeytogether, that can go through
these hard things together, thatwe can support one another,
that we can lift each other up,that we can encourage one
another, lord, that we canremind each other of truth and
who you are, that you are ourprotector.
(22:51):
We don't have to act out offear when we're dealing with
chaos in our homes, lord.
We can start from a place oftrust, knowing that we are cared
for, that we are seen, that weare heard, that we are safe.
Lord, help us look to you forevery need.
Lord, help us look to you forevery need, for all of our
(23:13):
comfort.
It's not going to be found inour circumstance, lord.
Satisfaction is not going to befound here on this earth, lord,
it can only be found in you.
We love you.
We trust you In Jesus' nameAmen.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.