July 2, 2025 • 39 mins
What happens to the children who were already in the home when foster kids arrive? Daniela Coats offers a perspective rarely heard in foster care conversations- that of the birth child.
Growing up as the oldest of three biological siblings in a family that began fostering when she was seven, Daniela experienced firsthand the complex emotions that come with sharing your parents, your space, and your family identity. From the jealousy she felt when a foster child called her father "Dad" after just meeting him to the invisibility she experienced as relatives and community members focused exclusively on the new additions to her family, her story illuminates the hidden challenges birth children often face.
Now a licensed social worker, adoptive mother of four, and founder of With Siblings, Daniela brings professional insight alongside personal experience. She challenges common assumptions about birth order and instead focuses on how roles shift within families with each placement- like a mobile that must find a new balance when pieces are added or removed.
For parents navigating this delicate balance, Daniela offers practical wisdom through her "three Rs" approach after placements end: rest to recover from the accelerated pace of life with foster children, reconnect through intentional one-on-one time with birth children, and reassess as a family whether and how to continue the fostering journey. Her children's book "The Day Lily Turned Uninvisible" further explores these themes through the eyes of a child.
Whether you're currently fostering, considering opening your home, or supporting someone who is, this conversation provides essential perspective on creating a family system where every child – both those who arrive and those who were already there- feels seen, valued, and understood. Because when we support the entire family, everyone thrives.
Daniela's Social Media:
Instagram - @with_siblings and @daniela.coats
Facebook - facebook.com/withsiblingsTX
Book: https://a.co/d/5F68Vso
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the podcast.
(01:41):
I'm excited that you guys arehere today.
My name is Nicole T Barlow andI am your host.
Today, we're going to be talkingall about birth children and
kids that are already in thehome when we begin our foster
care journey.
We're going to be talking toDaniela Coates.
Daniela is a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
(02:04):
Coates.
Daniela is a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
She is passionate about servingthe entire family, including
birth children.
Daniela is a self-identifiedbirth kid.
Her parents fostered when shewas a child and eventually
adopted her youngest sibling,Having grown up in a home that
fostered and adopted.
Daniela was a temporary siblingto many children.
(02:24):
Now she has spent most of hercareer working in foster care
and adopted.
Daniela was a temporary siblingto many children.
Now she has spent most of hercareer working in foster care
and adoption.
She is currently a therapist ata group practice in Texas.
In addition, she founded WithSiblings, an organization that
has developed trainings andresources for parents and
professionals regarding kidsthat are already in the home.
Most recently, daniela wroteand released a children's book,
(02:48):
the Day Lily Turned Uninvisiblethat tells the story of a birth
child in a foster family.
Well welcome, daniela.
We are so excited to have youhere today and hear from your
perspective.
So tell us a little bit aboutyou and how you originally got
(03:09):
introduced to foster care.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
It's kind of a long story.
I am currently an adoptivemother who also has kids by
birth.
So I've got six kids total fourby adoption, two by birth.
I'm also a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
I'm under supervision, workingas a therapist, and then I have
my own organization called WithSiblings where I do like
resources, trainings, thosekinds of things for foster and
(03:30):
adoptive parents.
That's kind of where I am rightnow in the realm of foster care
and adoption, very much stillin the thick of it with both my
profession and my personal life.
As far as how I got introducedto foster care and adoption,
we'd have to go back like oh 20something years when my parents
(03:54):
began the process.
Yeah, so it really actuallystarts.
Even before that there's a campfor children in foster care
that my dad first volunteeredwith and that was kind of his
first interaction with kids whoare in the system in some way
and he was really impacted bythat camp and so that was kind
of what spearheaded the journeyfor our family and got us into
(04:19):
considering foster care,considering adoption, and then
we just began the process ofbecoming licensed, but my family
actually planned to adopt fromthe get go, so it was like the
matched adoption situation,where it's a lot of hurry up and
wait and we waited for a reallylong time.
We waited about, I think, threeyears before we were actually
matched with a sibling group.
So that's kind of the start ofmy journey.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Yeah, how old were you at the time?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
When we started with the process and home study and
those kinds of things, I wasprobably around seven or eight.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Okay, and do you have other siblings at home too?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah, I do.
I'm the oldest of my family oforigin, or kids in my family of
origin.
I have two younger biologicalbrothers, and then I now have an
younger biological brothers,and then I now have an adopted
younger sister.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Sure, and what was that like as a child to start
that process?
Did you understand what itmeant and how were you mentally
navigating that process itself?
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Yeah, I feel like I was all in.
I understood, I got the mission.
I understood what the reasoningwas that our family was doing
this.
I thought it was important.
I felt like our family couldwelcome other kids to join our
family.
Of course, I didn't have anysisters, so I also was really
excited about that possibilitythat I might have a sister as
(05:45):
well.
So I was a little bit of aselfish reason there that I was
excited about it.
I can remember, like my parentsyou know we'd have, we'd be
presented with sibling groupsthat would be.
You know, we could potentiallylike the better home study for
and that kind of thing.
And I can remember, like myparents telling me bits and
pieces of like some of thethings that experienced, some of
the reasons that they were incare and even just making sure
(06:08):
like I was on board.
I mean, I could remember anumber of sibling groups that
were well older than me, but Ididn't care about that.
I was like there's three girls,Great, Sounds, awesome.
So there was some.
You know perspective.
Obviously, when you're a kidsometimes you understand some
things and you miss some otherthings.
So I think that was one ofthose.
But overall I was very involved.
I can remember my mom makingthe little photo album to give
(06:31):
to the kids before they came tous.
I can remember that and being apart of that and those pictures
and those kinds of things.
So I remember being veryinvolved in that whole beginning
process.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
That's sweet.
Yeah, I think it's so importantthat parents involve the kids
that are already in the home inthat process, and I mean, I
think your perspective as achild and being naive in some of
the ways, I think it's true ofparents too.
I was going to say the samething I mean I think, before we
get into foster care, nobodyknows, you just don't know.
(07:05):
And even placement to placementcan be so radically different.
I think we're all a littlenaive before.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
I mean, we don't know what we don't know.
Right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
So then, once a child was placed with your family,
did your perspective change?
Did your views change?
How did you navigate throughthat?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Oh, did my perspective change?
Oh man, yeah, yes, myperspective changed, and so did
my parents and all those kindsof things.
It was a whirlwind.
Our family was accepted forthree kiddos, so we had three
already, and then three kiddosjoining as an adoptive placement
(07:51):
and that's a.
I mean, that's double the kidsfirst of all.
Right, we can all acknowledgethat.
We know that that happens infoster and adoptive families
sometimes, where it's not just asingular but there's like
sibling groups, which is greatthat families are able to do
that.
But also that means that therecould be a lot more children
(08:12):
than already in the home.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah.
I went from one to six.
Yeah, you understand.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yes.
So, anywho, we had them joinand we did the visits.
We did, you know.
We did the visits, like youknow, we did the pre-placement
type visits and I remember myparents went first to those
visits just to make sure theycould meet the kiddos before we
did, and the kids were actuallynot in the same home together,
so like they went to a couple ofthe kids' home and another one
(08:38):
of their homes and I remember myparents coming back from one of
their visits with one of theolder kids and they were just
talking about it and talkingabout what had happened and my
dad mentioned that at the endthe oldest kiddo had said hey,
dad, catch.
And then he threw a football atmy dad.
And I remember when my dad toldme that story, I'm like wait,
what?
And like I had all thesefeelings, these reactions like
(09:02):
who's?
Who is this kid?
He just met my dad.
Why does he get to call him dad?
What right does he have?
How does he get that privilege?
I've been here for the last 10,11 years.
Why does he get to come in andhave that role all of a sudden?
So that was, I think.
Probably, if I look at myfeelings evolving over the
(09:24):
process.
That was probably the earliestI can pinpoint, like, oh, I had
some hard things I was feelingand some big things I was
feeling in that time and then itjust kind of evolved from there
.
Obviously I was, I am Ishouldn't say was, I am a big
rule follower.
So first born so being a rulefollower, you know kids come
(09:52):
into the home that don't know ornecessarily care to follow the
same rules and that can bereally frustrating and you know
you can feel like sometimes Ifelt the need to defend my
parents, like stand up for themand the rules and helping where
I could help, which wassomething I was really happy to
do.
I was happy to help, especiallywith the younger kiddo.
(10:14):
I really loved them a wholebunch.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
All of that is very, very important to kind of take
us through that mental processthat you are going through as a
child, because I think that's aconcern of a lot of parents when
they're entering into fostercare.
What about the children thatare already in my home?
How is this going to affectthem?
I mean we had a 10-year-old inour.
(10:39):
I have a biological 10-year-oldand when we started this
process I mean we wrestledthrough that.
How does this affect him?
But actually I mean we wentthrough this kind of for him
because we believe that weshould sacrifice for other
people, we should lay down ourlives for other people, and we
(11:04):
wanted him to be brought up kindof understanding that we don't
just say that, that we reallybelieve it, that we really live
it out.
But we saw him struggle throughsome of that stuff.
He is a rule follower, he is.
You know, he was an only childfor 10 years.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And and so I mean, I think we're as parents.
When we start to enter thefoster care system, we we're
trying to navigate not only howdo we process all of this for
ourselves, but how do we walkour kids through these things as
well.
So what are some of the thingsthat your parents did to help
(11:51):
you navigate through all of this?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean, I think the primary initial thing is
talk about it.
Now I can't speak for mybrothers and kind of how they
perceived it, because they wereyounger than me.
If I was seven, then mybrothers were like four and one,
so the conversations with themwould have been different than
they would have been with me,and so I recognize that.
I recognize that there'snuances in that, but I would say
(12:16):
that's how they started.
It was just we had theconversations and the fact that
(12:37):
I understood the quote unquotemission right, I understood kind
of the reason we were doingthis.
I think speaks to that, becauseit's what you're saying they
wanted understanding.
If there's no understanding ofwhy things are the way that they
are, then it can make copingreally challenging.
So that was probably one of themain things that they did.
And then, of course, like Imentioned, involving me even in
the kind of decisions over thekids that came to our home not
(12:59):
that I got the ultimate choiceor anything, but to say, hey,
there is a I don't actuallyremember ages, there's like a 15
year old and a 12 year old anda 10 year old.
Is that okay with you?
So just involving me in that, Ithink, also made a really big
difference as far as that goes.
And then, even as we went alongthe process and after the kids
(13:20):
were in our home, they stillmade sure to spend individual
time with us, whether that wasletting us stay up later or
taking us out for dates,one-on-one, or whatever it might
be.
I was actually homeschooled atthe time, so it made it a little
bit easier because the otherkiddos went to school.
I was at home, so it made it alittle bit easier as far as that
goes.
But that was another justreally key thing.
My parents were very involved,making sure that we still had
(13:43):
that time and attention withthem.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah, that's really good and, I think, really
important.
And you said something elseabout letting you not just
talking to you about what wasgoing to happen, but letting you
have some sort of input.
So here's a question Did youever say no?
Did you ever say no?
I don't feel comfortable withthis.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Eventually.
At the beginning I wasn'tsaying no from the get-go, but
during those kiddos being in ourhome I did say things like
they've ruined everything.
I wish things could go back tohow they used to be.
I miss our family.
Yeah, and that's nottechnically saying no, but it is
(14:26):
being very forward about thefact that I'm not okay with it.
Right, and as a child.
And yes, there were eventuallytimes where I said no and there
were times where my parents didmove forward with it and I was
able to cope and move throughthat would come to join our
(14:49):
family.
Our parents would ask usbeforehand are we ready for
another placement, do we need totake a break?
And so we were just veryinvolved.
Throughout the entire time andI would say 90% of the time we
were like yeah, absolutely, weneed to welcome some more kids.
So it was something that wewere our whole family did
together.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love how they kind of ralliedyou guys, you know, all
together and made this a familymission, not just something your
parents were doing.
You know we had, we had anincident Most of the time my
biological son was the same wayor then, after we adopted, we
considered fostering again andso we consider, you know, we
(15:24):
took everybody, had a say so,and we would always tell our
kids like you have a say, youhave a vote, but you don't have
the final vote.
You big kids said no, no, wecan't right now.
We are still recovering fromthis hard season and I just
(15:57):
don't think that we should bedoing this right now.
And so we didn't.
We knew that they needed sometime to heal right and recover
and for us to breathe and be atour best selves so that we could
(16:20):
be able to serve really, reallywell when we were ready.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Right.
A no for now doesn't mean a noforever Correct, and I also
whenever I talk to parents andjust in general, if we're
thinking just people in generalmaking choices, if we say that
someone has a voice but theydon't have any agency in that
voice and their voice holds nopower, then what good is having
a voice?
So if you let bio kids givetheir voice, but then their
(16:46):
voice never impacts anydecisions, then what does that
say about the power that theyhold in their voice?
And so, again, I know it's adelicate balance, as is
everything, but that's somethingI think is so important for us
as parents to consider whenwe're fostering or adopting with
birth kids too.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I think there's things that we can walk through
with our kids that if they'resaying no, we can kind of push
in Like why are they saying no?
Are there things that we caneducate them on or we can
support them in that would helpthem be a yes if everybody else
is at a yes right.
But again, like I said, withthat one situation with our
(17:23):
older kids, there are some timeswhen I think we need to really
listen to where people are andto be able to respect where they
are and to take that intoconsideration.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
So I love that your parents kind of gave you that
voice.
How do you think that yourexperience in the foster care
world growing up impacted you asan adult?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
There have been a lot of questions you've asked me
that I just can't help but likegrin from ear to ear because the
answer is not what I would haveeither expected it to be or
it's kind of like comical, howagainst what I said it would be
is you know that sort of thing?
Well, what I said it would beis you know that sort of thing?
Well, foster, care and adoptionshaped every aspect of my life.
(18:13):
Basically, there's really nogoing around that.
I said from a young age I amnot doing this, I will not
foster, I will not adopt.
I know what it costs, I knowthe challenges and not financial
costs, but, like, I know theright, the emotional, the
whatever cost.
I've counted the cost and I'mnot doing it.
(18:35):
Instead, I'll work in the field, because as a kid I can
remember even just wonderingwhat good is any of this
experience, like what is thisgoing to do for me, how is this
going to be beneficial and turnfor my good in any kind of way?
And so I was like, okay, do Itake these skill sets and do I
(18:56):
become like a teacher?
You know, I know how to workwith kids.
I've done that.
Maybe I do that.
No, I did not become a teacher.
That's not for me.
For me, I wrestled with howcould I use the skills that I've
gained in my family and decidedI'd become a social worker.
I was working for a foster careand adoption agency, training
(19:19):
foster parents, licensing fosterand adoptive parents.
From there I continued to beconfronted with the need, like
there are.
There are still kids that needto be placed in homes, and at
the time it was just my husbandand I.
We didn't have any other kiddosand so we talked about it.
(19:40):
And I can remember when Icalled my dad crying, saying,
crying, saying I didn't wantthis, I didn't want to foster,
but now I feel like I need to.
So the tears weren'tnecessarily grief, but more a
shock, like wow, this is notwhat I expected of my life.
(20:02):
And so we got licensed prettyquick because I worked in the
field, so I knew exactly wedidn't get licensed with the
same agency, but I worked in thefield.
So I knew exactly we didn't getlicensed with the same agency,
but I worked in the field, so Iknew everything we had to turn
in.
And so we did it pretty fast.
We got placed with some kiddosand well, one kiddo, and then we
got two of their siblings a fewmonths later, and then, six
(20:22):
months after that, we adoptedall three of them, and then,
about a month after that, we gottheir fourth sibling, and you
know how it goes, and so, if younotice, though, like we didn't
have any birth kits at the time,so we actually adopted first,
and I don't think that I couldhave done it any other way.
I mean, I say that, goodness,how many things that I say I
(20:43):
couldn't do, I wouldn't do and Idid, but because of my
experiences, I think that was avery deliberate choice, though
for us, that that it wassomething, you know, very
different.
My, my birth kids will neverknow a life without their
adopted siblings in it, becausemy adopted kids were their first
, and so some of the feelings Ihad, like feeling kicked out and
(21:05):
replaced my birth kids willnever experience, which is not
to say it's the best way or theway to foster or adopt, but I'm
really grateful that that isgoing.
You know that they won't haveto go through some of the things
that I went through, but theirexperiences aren't easier either
.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, what do you think?
I mean, you know, talking aboutit wasn't just feeling kicked
out of your family, but therewere other hard things, right?
What were some of those thingsthat pushed you as a kid that
maybe your kids experience now,maybe they don't, but that
parents can look out for?
(21:42):
Yeah, for the well-being of allthe kids in our home.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Sure, absolutely.
One thing that I experienced alot was this feeling that birth
kids report in the research offeeling kind of across the board
or at least it's a trend thatcomes up is feeling invisible,
and that's not just in the home,I think.
Automatically we think asparents oh, that's in the home,
because there's different needsand there's more kids and
whatever it might be.
But it's not just in the home.
(22:08):
There's different needs andthere's more kids and whatever
it might be, but it's not justin the home, like for me.
I grew up as a pastor'sdaughter for the first, like 11
years of my life, and so I wentfrom being known by everybody in
the, you know, in our faithcommunity and I mean not in an
arrogant way, but loved byeverybody.
I mean, you know, I kneweverybody.
And so, going from that to, allof a sudden there's three kids
(22:28):
that show up in our family andno one seems to care about me
anymore.
They only want to ask about mysiblings, they only want to talk
about them and know what it'slike being a sibling to them and
hear about their interests andall of those things, and nobody
seemed to really notice meanymore or see me.
And so that invisibility piecereally went across just contexts
for me piece really went acrossjust contexts for me.
(22:49):
And also just hearing things.
Like you know, I was, like Isaid, I was a real follower and
I like to serve others and helpothers.
And when I would hear otherssay things like, oh, they're so
sweet, don't look at them beingsuch a good, big helper, or
something of that nature as akid, I'm like, excuse me, you
don't know what they're like athome or you know those kinds of
things.
(23:09):
It's really hard and I knowit's a delicate balance, even as
a foster adoptive parent.
Sometimes.
How do you balance truthtelling with empathy and
understanding and compassion?
So that was a hard balance forme too as a kid trying to figure
out that.
But it really turned more intoI just kept it in.
Nobody really knew, nobody wascorrecting our community to say
(23:37):
no, things are actually reallyhard.
Thanks for asking.
Nobody was doing that.
So it was a lot of isolation inthat way as a foster adoptive
family and as a birth kidespecially.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Well, I think that's so hard to navigate and we were
talking about this before westarted recording today.
But I I think that's so hard tonavigate and we were talking
about this before we startedrecording today.
But I do think it is so hard tobalance protecting a child's
story, protecting them, havingempathy and compassion and also
being realistic with peopleabout the impacts of trauma,
(24:09):
because the reality is is thatit's not about the child in
themselves, it's the effects,it's the impact of trauma on
their lives and now and now inour lives that kind of disrupts
(24:29):
everything and people don'tunderstand.
So it's hard to play thatbalance right of.
How do you help peopleunderstand what your family's
going through and how to supportyour family unit as a whole?
how to support the kids that arealready in your home, how to
support you as parents so thatyou can do all the things, but
(24:58):
still still kind of protectingthe kids and what they're going
through so that we're notoverexposing their stories Right
, yeah, it's a hard balance.
Yeah, and as a kid, how do youhold that?
Did you?
And I mean your, yourbiological siblings?
Did you hold people's stories,or were you like listen?
I mean you?
You said that you just kind ofstayed invisible but did.
(25:21):
Did your brothers ever saylisten?
It's really hard.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
I will say there was one time I can remember where it
was like a really close familyfriend and I had shared with
them I don't rememberspecifically, but I remember
sharing with them just how hardthings were and instead of being
met with understanding orreflecting or anything of that
nature, I was met with likecorrection and scolding, and
they even went and like talkedto my parent about it.
(25:51):
And so I learned that it wasn'tsafe, it was not safe to tell
even close family friends aboutit.
And there was one time, even athome, that I had expressed what
I had said to you earlier likethey've ruined everything.
You know, I wish that thiswasn't how it was.
And my dad responded with kindof the same thing.
And my dad was able later toreflect that he responded that
(26:15):
way to me because I wasexpressing the things he felt
and he resented those in himself.
So how could he accept myemotions if he couldn't accept
his?
So I think all around we werehaving a hard time figuring out
how do we be true to ourexperiences, and so there were
times, but overall, yeah, I didjust not say the thing after.
(26:36):
I think I learned partially thatcame into our home after the
first three kids.
Well, even the first three kidswere closer to my brother's
ages than mine.
I always remained the oldest,but my brothers it didn't always
stay that way Like they weresometimes had.
They sometimes had kids olderthan them and sometimes younger
(26:56):
than them, sometimes the sameage as them, and so I think for
them their perspective wasprobably different too, because
there were a lot more like.
They played a lot more withthem, and whereas I would have
taken on more of a helper roleand those kinds of things, so I
can't remember them saying a lotyou know about like the stories
of other kids.
But our parents did tell usparticular things like we would
(27:20):
know, we would have like abaseline understanding of the
reason that they were in care orthose kinds of things.
But we always knew not to sharethat story with other people.
Right, sharing about the kidsin our home wasn't going to be
an appropriate thing to do, butwe could I mean, we could talk
about our emotions, but weweren't going to share anybody
else's story.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, now that you're on thisend of it, how do you help
parents navigate the needs ofkids that are already in our
home with the kids that they'rebringing in?
How do you help parentsnavigate those situations?
And I mean, do you even helpparents navigate their placement
(28:04):
preferences and the age of thechild that they're bringing in?
Do you disrupt birth order?
Do you not disrupt birth order,like all the things right, like
how do you help parents walkthrough that now?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Birth order is such a hot topic in this realm and
foster care, adoption, when youhave birth kids.
I actually like I've devotedsome of my trainings and
resources to this because I knowthat it's kind of what parents
want to know sometimes.
The tricky thing is it's reallynot what's most important.
Dr Jana Hunsley has done someresearch on the experiences of
(28:41):
birth kids and in that researchthey were measuring for
predictive factors.
So what are things that make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids?
And in that research they weremeasuring for like predictive
factors.
So what are things that make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids?
And birth order wasn't high upthere on the predictive factors.
Instead, I like to reframe itwhen I'm talking with parents,
we're thinking about like rolesin the family and like kind of
(29:03):
family systems, those sorts ofthings.
Birth order can fall into that,but it also isn't exclusive to
birth order.
So my role in my family canchange without my birth order
changing, or my perception of myrole in the family can change
without my birth order changing,or my birth order can change
and my role in the familydoesn't change.
So birth order is kind of thistricky thing that I think we put
(29:27):
a lot of weight in when reallywe should be asking more
questions like what is, what isthe child's perceived role in
the family and how is their rolechanging and how is their
perception of their rolechanging?
Those are the things that Iwant to know.
Examples with parents when I'mtalking about this If you think
(29:47):
of a baby mobile, you've got allthe little characters or
plushes or whatever hanging downand everything's balanced.
But what happens when you add afew to the mix, All of a sudden
it's not balanced anymore.
And so that's the experience itcan be the experience of birth
kids.
It's like where do I fit?
How do we find things balancedagain?
How do we get back toequilibrium?
And so sometimes that meansthat people in the family shift
(30:09):
roles.
They shift, you know, in theways that they function.
So that's kind of how I try tohelp parents think of it instead
is, with every kid that comesinto your home, there's going to
be changes in the way that afamily operates.
Every kid because there's eachkid is going to be changes in
the way that a family operates.
Every kid because there's eachkid is going to be different.
And so, if we're thinking backto the baby mobile.
(30:29):
Like you might find equilibriumwith one set of kiddos that's
in a house in your home as aplacement, but then when they
leave and another kiddo comes,everybody's probably going to
have to shift again.
And so just this constantmovement and changing positions
in the family, whether or notit's related to birth order, and
so that's one thing that Ireally try to help parents to
understand is that it is a huge,monumental change for birth
(30:54):
kids, no matter how you stack it.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Yeah, I think that's true for everybody.
I think everybody has tounderstand that when you're
adding people to your familyregardless of how or when or why
or whatever when you add peopleto your family, it's going to
shift the way that your familyworks.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
And.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I know for me every single placement that we took
two weeks in I panicked becausenow I'm out of this brand new
mode, right, but I haven't founda rhythm yet, and so I can
expect that kids in the familywould feel that times 10,
(31:38):
because they also don't have anycontrol.
They're not the ones kind ofhelping navigate the system
right, Like they're just kind ofa reflection of what the adults
have chosen.
I can imagine that that anxietycould kick up a lot more for
them than even it does for us asadults, because it still is
(32:01):
there for us as parents.
It still changes the way thatwe operate in our home.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Right.
And if we're thinking about, weas adults have probably a
greater understanding of whythings are the way that they are
, and sometimes kids eitherdon't have the developmental
ability to understand or kind ofcomprehend and to cope.
It could be that, but it alsocould be that parents haven't
given the information, and sothat's another hard and delicate
balance.
As parents, how much do weshare with our birth kids?
(32:30):
How much do we not share withthem, and how does that help
them to cope and to understand,or is it too much?
How do we know where the lineis drawn?
So I know that's a really hardplace for parents as well.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
What is like your top tip for parents that already
have kids in the home but arelooking at taking in foster kids
or adopting or something ofthis sort?
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah, well, in the research there's two things that
are pretty primary, that I talkabout a lot with parents.
That's one-on-one time, whichI've already kind of alluded to
in my own story.
It really does make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids, and that's not tosay, oh, only spend one-on-one
time with birth kids, right,because that would create some
odd dynamics in the family andthat sort of thing.
(33:13):
But it is important, it hasbeen shown to be important, as
we've chatted here today, justinvolving them from the very
beginning, making sure thatthey're on board, and if they're
not, can we pause, like you hadalluded to, right, if our
family's not ready, even if it'safter placement, the same is
(33:35):
relevant at the beginning.
If our family is not ready, ifeverybody's not on board, then
is there anything we can do tohelp everyone to be on board?
So communicating from the verybeginning.
And then I like to use, I saylike the three R's, after like a
placement, leave.
So that's rest, reconnect andreassess.
And so when a kiddo leaves thehome, the family should be
(33:55):
resting.
Like we all know that when youhave kiddos in care, you have
more appointments, you havevisits in the home, you live
life at a faster pace and sojust taking that time to rest is
really important, and I knowit's hard because we get a phone
call and we know that there'skids who need a place to be, but
we need to make sure we'reresting.
(34:15):
Reconnecting, which is thatone-on-one time that I mentioned
, connecting together, doing thethings that maybe you can't do
the same, whether that's becauseof particular needs of kiddos
who were in your home at thetime, or maybe even financially,
you know there's, I know, thatthings get expensive when
there's more people in the home.
So being able to reconnect witheach other during that time and
then reassessing, which isreally that communication piece
(34:36):
that says can we keep doing this?
If we can, does anything needto change?
Like, are there rules orexpectations that need to change
?
Are there, you know, likearrangements in the home, you
know where people stay, or do weneed to rest longer?
So just having thoseconversations, spending time
with birth kids, can just reallymake a world of difference in
(34:57):
how they experience their lifeas a birth kid in a foster,
adoptive family a fosteradoptive family.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
I love that.
Well, this has been a reallybig week for you.
You just had a book that cameout, and so talk to me a little
bit about what your book is,what it's about and who it's for
.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah, my book is called the Day Lily Turned
Uninvisible and it's obviouslykind of builds off of what I've
mentioned about thatinvisibility piece of birth kids
.
So this book is written with inmind birth kids and foster
adoptive families.
It tells the story of a birthkid named Lily, and a new kiddo
(35:38):
joins a family and all of asudden things are really
different for her.
People aren't noticing her.
People are noticing the thingsthat she does.
She's having to do some thingson her own.
She just doesn't quiteunderstand why have all of these
things changed?
She thinks, maybe I'm invisible,and it's comical, right,
because, like, literally thinksthat she's invisible.
(36:00):
But it's her perception, right,it's her perception of her
experiences and herinterpretation of her
experiences.
And so she does these things totry to see if she can turn
herself un-invisible, and itdoesn't seem to work.
And so she feels defeated andher mom is able to provide
insight to her, but not justinsight but empathy and
understanding.
And so these really keycomponents, and even that
(36:22):
communication piece of, we'reempathizing or validating those
emotions and we're able toprovide insight because we do
have a different perspectivethan maybe our kids are able to
see.
And so Lily's mom in the bookis able to do that for her, and
then we see just that thingsstart to change, whether that's
her perception or that, you knowit's not as new anymore.
Who's to say, you can interpretthat as the reader, but that's
(36:46):
kind of the journey that we seeLily go through, and so I'm so
excited for this, to be outthere and to be speaking, for
giving voice to some of theexperiences that birth kids
relate to.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Yeah, I think this could be a huge resource for
lots of parents in helping ourkids that are already in the
home kind of navigate thechanges that may be happening.
So I thank you for stepping outto do this right and having the
perspective that you have is sovaluable, and I think that this
(37:21):
resource is just going to be sobeneficial.
I will leave a link for thebook in the show notes, but also
tell our listeners where theycan find you.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
You can find me on.
Instagram and Facebook are theeasiest places to find me.
Instagram it's at withunderscore siblings, so that's
where you can find me onInstagram.
Facebook is a little bit morechallenging, but it's Facebook
slash with siblings, tx, becauseI'm in Texas.
So there you have that, and soyou can follow along there.
That's where I post most of mycontent about birth, kids and
(37:54):
whether that's helpful tips forparents, things to consider or
even just resources.
That's where most of that comesfrom.
I also have a website for that,as well as even just a personal
website, which isdaniellacoatscom.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Awesome, Daniela.
I will leave all of thosethings in the show notes for
listeners to be able to connectwith you.
I'm so thankful for you and foryou coming on today and sharing
with us and giving us someinsight of how we can have
better families all the wayaround.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
I have put all of Daniela's contact information in
the show notes, so be sure tocheck out her resources.
As we wrap up today, I'd liketo pray for us.
Heavenly Father, thank you forthis opportunity to serve.
Thank you for this opportunityto come alongside of you in the
(38:45):
work that you're doing infamilies and in communities.
Lord, help us support everybodyin our home well.
Help give us discernment andunderstanding.
Help us see each individual aswe seek to support them
throughout our journey.
Lord, we love you.
We trust you In Jesus' name,amen.
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the podcast.
(01:41):
I'm excited that you guys arehere today.
My name is Nicole T Barlow andI am your host.
Today, we're going to be talkingall about birth children and
kids that are already in thehome when we begin our foster
care journey.
We're going to be talking toDaniela Coates.
Daniela is a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
(02:04):
Coates.
Daniela is a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
She is passionate about servingthe entire family, including
birth children.
Daniela is a self-identifiedbirth kid.
Her parents fostered when shewas a child and eventually
adopted her youngest sibling,Having grown up in a home that
fostered and adopted.
Daniela was a temporary siblingto many children.
(02:24):
Now she has spent most of hercareer working in foster care
and adopted.
Daniela was a temporary siblingto many children.
Now she has spent most of hercareer working in foster care
and adoption.
She is currently a therapist ata group practice in Texas.
In addition, she founded WithSiblings, an organization that
has developed trainings andresources for parents and
professionals regarding kidsthat are already in the home.
Most recently, daniela wroteand released a children's book,
(02:48):
the Day Lily Turned Uninvisiblethat tells the story of a birth
child in a foster family.
Well welcome, daniela.
We are so excited to have youhere today and hear from your
perspective.
So tell us a little bit aboutyou and how you originally got
(03:09):
introduced to foster care.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
It's kind of a long story.
I am currently an adoptivemother who also has kids by
birth.
So I've got six kids total fourby adoption, two by birth.
I'm also a licensed mastersocial worker in Texas.
I'm under supervision, workingas a therapist, and then I have
my own organization called WithSiblings where I do like
resources, trainings, thosekinds of things for foster and
(03:30):
adoptive parents.
That's kind of where I am rightnow in the realm of foster care
and adoption, very much stillin the thick of it with both my
profession and my personal life.
As far as how I got introducedto foster care and adoption,
we'd have to go back like oh 20something years when my parents
(03:54):
began the process.
Yeah, so it really actuallystarts.
Even before that there's a campfor children in foster care
that my dad first volunteeredwith and that was kind of his
first interaction with kids whoare in the system in some way
and he was really impacted bythat camp and so that was kind
of what spearheaded the journeyfor our family and got us into
(04:19):
considering foster care,considering adoption, and then
we just began the process ofbecoming licensed, but my family
actually planned to adopt fromthe get go, so it was like the
matched adoption situation,where it's a lot of hurry up and
wait and we waited for a reallylong time.
We waited about, I think, threeyears before we were actually
matched with a sibling group.
So that's kind of the start ofmy journey.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Yeah, how old were you at the time?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
When we started with the process and home study and
those kinds of things, I wasprobably around seven or eight.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Okay, and do you have other siblings at home too?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah, I do.
I'm the oldest of my family oforigin, or kids in my family of
origin.
I have two younger biologicalbrothers, and then I now have an
younger biological brothers,and then I now have an adopted
younger sister.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Sure, and what was that like as a child to start
that process?
Did you understand what itmeant and how were you mentally
navigating that process itself?
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Yeah, I feel like I was all in.
I understood, I got the mission.
I understood what the reasoningwas that our family was doing
this.
I thought it was important.
I felt like our family couldwelcome other kids to join our
family.
Of course, I didn't have anysisters, so I also was really
excited about that possibilitythat I might have a sister as
(05:45):
well.
So I was a little bit of aselfish reason there that I was
excited about it.
I can remember, like my parentsyou know we'd have, we'd be
presented with sibling groupsthat would be.
You know, we could potentiallylike the better home study for
and that kind of thing.
And I can remember, like myparents telling me bits and
pieces of like some of thethings that experienced, some of
the reasons that they were incare and even just making sure
(06:08):
like I was on board.
I mean, I could remember anumber of sibling groups that
were well older than me, but Ididn't care about that.
I was like there's three girls,Great, Sounds, awesome.
So there was some.
You know perspective.
Obviously, when you're a kidsometimes you understand some
things and you miss some otherthings.
So I think that was one ofthose.
But overall I was very involved.
I can remember my mom makingthe little photo album to give
(06:31):
to the kids before they came tous.
I can remember that and being apart of that and those pictures
and those kinds of things.
So I remember being veryinvolved in that whole beginning
process.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
That's sweet.
Yeah, I think it's so importantthat parents involve the kids
that are already in the home inthat process, and I mean, I
think your perspective as achild and being naive in some of
the ways, I think it's true ofparents too.
I was going to say the samething I mean I think, before we
get into foster care, nobodyknows, you just don't know.
(07:05):
And even placement to placementcan be so radically different.
I think we're all a littlenaive before.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
I mean, we don't know what we don't know.
Right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
So then, once a child was placed with your family,
did your perspective change?
Did your views change?
How did you navigate throughthat?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Oh, did my perspective change?
Oh man, yeah, yes, myperspective changed, and so did
my parents and all those kindsof things.
It was a whirlwind.
Our family was accepted forthree kiddos, so we had three
already, and then three kiddosjoining as an adoptive placement
(07:51):
and that's a.
I mean, that's double the kidsfirst of all.
Right, we can all acknowledgethat.
We know that that happens infoster and adoptive families
sometimes, where it's not just asingular but there's like
sibling groups, which is greatthat families are able to do
that.
But also that means that therecould be a lot more children
(08:12):
than already in the home.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah.
I went from one to six.
Yeah, you understand.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yes.
So, anywho, we had them joinand we did the visits.
We did, you know.
We did the visits, like youknow, we did the pre-placement
type visits and I remember myparents went first to those
visits just to make sure theycould meet the kiddos before we
did, and the kids were actuallynot in the same home together,
so like they went to a couple ofthe kids' home and another one
(08:38):
of their homes and I remember myparents coming back from one of
their visits with one of theolder kids and they were just
talking about it and talkingabout what had happened and my
dad mentioned that at the endthe oldest kiddo had said hey,
dad, catch.
And then he threw a football atmy dad.
And I remember when my dad toldme that story, I'm like wait,
what?
And like I had all thesefeelings, these reactions like
(09:02):
who's?
Who is this kid?
He just met my dad.
Why does he get to call him dad?
What right does he have?
How does he get that privilege?
I've been here for the last 10,11 years.
Why does he get to come in andhave that role all of a sudden?
So that was, I think.
Probably, if I look at myfeelings evolving over the
(09:24):
process.
That was probably the earliestI can pinpoint, like, oh, I had
some hard things I was feelingand some big things I was
feeling in that time and then itjust kind of evolved from there
.
Obviously I was, I am Ishouldn't say was, I am a big
rule follower.
So first born so being a rulefollower, you know kids come
(09:52):
into the home that don't know ornecessarily care to follow the
same rules and that can bereally frustrating and you know
you can feel like sometimes Ifelt the need to defend my
parents, like stand up for themand the rules and helping where
I could help, which wassomething I was really happy to
do.
I was happy to help, especiallywith the younger kiddo.
(10:14):
I really loved them a wholebunch.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
All of that is very, very important to kind of take
us through that mental processthat you are going through as a
child, because I think that's aconcern of a lot of parents when
they're entering into fostercare.
What about the children thatare already in my home?
How is this going to affectthem?
I mean we had a 10-year-old inour.
(10:39):
I have a biological 10-year-oldand when we started this
process I mean we wrestledthrough that.
How does this affect him?
But actually I mean we wentthrough this kind of for him
because we believe that weshould sacrifice for other
people, we should lay down ourlives for other people, and we
(11:04):
wanted him to be brought up kindof understanding that we don't
just say that, that we reallybelieve it, that we really live
it out.
But we saw him struggle throughsome of that stuff.
He is a rule follower, he is.
You know, he was an only childfor 10 years.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And and so I mean, I think we're as parents.
When we start to enter thefoster care system, we we're
trying to navigate not only howdo we process all of this for
ourselves, but how do we walkour kids through these things as
well.
So what are some of the thingsthat your parents did to help
(11:51):
you navigate through all of this?
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, I mean, I think the primary initial thing is
talk about it.
Now I can't speak for mybrothers and kind of how they
perceived it, because they wereyounger than me.
If I was seven, then mybrothers were like four and one,
so the conversations with themwould have been different than
they would have been with me,and so I recognize that.
I recognize that there'snuances in that, but I would say
(12:16):
that's how they started.
It was just we had theconversations and the fact that
(12:37):
I understood the quote unquotemission right, I understood kind
of the reason we were doingthis.
I think speaks to that, becauseit's what you're saying they
wanted understanding.
If there's no understanding ofwhy things are the way that they
are, then it can make copingreally challenging.
So that was probably one of themain things that they did.
And then, of course, like Imentioned, involving me even in
the kind of decisions over thekids that came to our home not
(12:59):
that I got the ultimate choiceor anything, but to say, hey,
there is a I don't actuallyremember ages, there's like a 15
year old and a 12 year old anda 10 year old.
Is that okay with you?
So just involving me in that, Ithink, also made a really big
difference as far as that goes.
And then, even as we went alongthe process and after the kids
(13:20):
were in our home, they stillmade sure to spend individual
time with us, whether that wasletting us stay up later or
taking us out for dates,one-on-one, or whatever it might
be.
I was actually homeschooled atthe time, so it made it a little
bit easier because the otherkiddos went to school.
I was at home, so it made it alittle bit easier as far as that
goes.
But that was another justreally key thing.
My parents were very involved,making sure that we still had
(13:43):
that time and attention withthem.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah, that's really good and, I think, really
important.
And you said something elseabout letting you not just
talking to you about what wasgoing to happen, but letting you
have some sort of input.
So here's a question Did youever say no?
Did you ever say no?
I don't feel comfortable withthis.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Eventually.
At the beginning I wasn'tsaying no from the get-go, but
during those kiddos being in ourhome I did say things like
they've ruined everything.
I wish things could go back tohow they used to be.
I miss our family.
Yeah, and that's nottechnically saying no, but it is
(14:26):
being very forward about thefact that I'm not okay with it.
Right, and as a child.
And yes, there were eventuallytimes where I said no and there
were times where my parents didmove forward with it and I was
able to cope and move throughthat would come to join our
(14:49):
family.
Our parents would ask usbeforehand are we ready for
another placement, do we need totake a break?
And so we were just veryinvolved.
Throughout the entire time andI would say 90% of the time we
were like yeah, absolutely, weneed to welcome some more kids.
So it was something that wewere our whole family did
together.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love how they kind of ralliedyou guys, you know, all
together and made this a familymission, not just something your
parents were doing.
You know we had, we had anincident Most of the time my
biological son was the same wayor then, after we adopted, we
considered fostering again andso we consider, you know, we
(15:24):
took everybody, had a say so,and we would always tell our
kids like you have a say, youhave a vote, but you don't have
the final vote.
You big kids said no, no, wecan't right now.
We are still recovering fromthis hard season and I just
(15:57):
don't think that we should bedoing this right now.
And so we didn't.
We knew that they needed sometime to heal right and recover
and for us to breathe and be atour best selves so that we could
(16:20):
be able to serve really, reallywell when we were ready.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Right.
A no for now doesn't mean a noforever Correct, and I also
whenever I talk to parents andjust in general, if we're
thinking just people in generalmaking choices, if we say that
someone has a voice but theydon't have any agency in that
voice and their voice holds nopower, then what good is having
a voice?
So if you let bio kids givetheir voice, but then their
(16:46):
voice never impacts anydecisions, then what does that
say about the power that theyhold in their voice?
And so, again, I know it's adelicate balance, as is
everything, but that's somethingI think is so important for us
as parents to consider whenwe're fostering or adopting with
birth kids too.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I think there's things that we can walk through
with our kids that if they'resaying no, we can kind of push
in Like why are they saying no?
Are there things that we caneducate them on or we can
support them in that would helpthem be a yes if everybody else
is at a yes right.
But again, like I said, withthat one situation with our
(17:23):
older kids, there are some timeswhen I think we need to really
listen to where people are andto be able to respect where they
are and to take that intoconsideration.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
So I love that your parents kind of gave you that
voice.
How do you think that yourexperience in the foster care
world growing up impacted you asan adult?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
There have been a lot of questions you've asked me
that I just can't help but likegrin from ear to ear because the
answer is not what I would haveeither expected it to be or
it's kind of like comical, howagainst what I said it would be
is you know that sort of thing?
Well, what I said it would beis you know that sort of thing?
Well, foster, care and adoptionshaped every aspect of my life.
(18:13):
Basically, there's really nogoing around that.
I said from a young age I amnot doing this, I will not
foster, I will not adopt.
I know what it costs, I knowthe challenges and not financial
costs, but, like, I know theright, the emotional, the
whatever cost.
I've counted the cost and I'mnot doing it.
(18:35):
Instead, I'll work in the field, because as a kid I can
remember even just wonderingwhat good is any of this
experience, like what is thisgoing to do for me, how is this
going to be beneficial and turnfor my good in any kind of way?
And so I was like, okay, do Itake these skill sets and do I
(18:56):
become like a teacher?
You know, I know how to workwith kids.
I've done that.
Maybe I do that.
No, I did not become a teacher.
That's not for me.
For me, I wrestled with howcould I use the skills that I've
gained in my family and decidedI'd become a social worker.
I was working for a foster careand adoption agency, training
(19:19):
foster parents, licensing fosterand adoptive parents.
From there I continued to beconfronted with the need, like
there are.
There are still kids that needto be placed in homes, and at
the time it was just my husbandand I.
We didn't have any other kiddosand so we talked about it.
(19:40):
And I can remember when Icalled my dad crying, saying,
crying, saying I didn't wantthis, I didn't want to foster,
but now I feel like I need to.
So the tears weren'tnecessarily grief, but more a
shock, like wow, this is notwhat I expected of my life.
(20:02):
And so we got licensed prettyquick because I worked in the
field, so I knew exactly wedidn't get licensed with the
same agency, but I worked in thefield.
So I knew exactly we didn't getlicensed with the same agency,
but I worked in the field, so Iknew everything we had to turn
in.
And so we did it pretty fast.
We got placed with some kiddosand well, one kiddo, and then we
got two of their siblings a fewmonths later, and then, six
(20:22):
months after that, we adoptedall three of them, and then,
about a month after that, we gottheir fourth sibling, and you
know how it goes, and so, if younotice, though, like we didn't
have any birth kits at the time,so we actually adopted first,
and I don't think that I couldhave done it any other way.
I mean, I say that, goodness,how many things that I say I
(20:43):
couldn't do, I wouldn't do and Idid, but because of my
experiences, I think that was avery deliberate choice, though
for us, that that it wassomething, you know, very
different.
My, my birth kids will neverknow a life without their
adopted siblings in it, becausemy adopted kids were their first
, and so some of the feelings Ihad, like feeling kicked out and
(21:05):
replaced my birth kids willnever experience, which is not
to say it's the best way or theway to foster or adopt, but I'm
really grateful that that isgoing.
You know that they won't haveto go through some of the things
that I went through, but theirexperiences aren't easier either
.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, what do you think?
I mean, you know, talking aboutit wasn't just feeling kicked
out of your family, but therewere other hard things, right?
What were some of those thingsthat pushed you as a kid that
maybe your kids experience now,maybe they don't, but that
parents can look out for?
(21:42):
Yeah, for the well-being of allthe kids in our home.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Sure, absolutely.
One thing that I experienced alot was this feeling that birth
kids report in the research offeeling kind of across the board
or at least it's a trend thatcomes up is feeling invisible,
and that's not just in the home,I think.
Automatically we think asparents oh, that's in the home,
because there's different needsand there's more kids and
whatever it might be.
But it's not just in the home.
(22:08):
There's different needs andthere's more kids and whatever
it might be, but it's not justin the home, like for me.
I grew up as a pastor'sdaughter for the first, like 11
years of my life, and so I wentfrom being known by everybody in
the, you know, in our faithcommunity and I mean not in an
arrogant way, but loved byeverybody.
I mean, you know, I kneweverybody.
And so, going from that to, allof a sudden there's three kids
(22:28):
that show up in our family andno one seems to care about me
anymore.
They only want to ask about mysiblings, they only want to talk
about them and know what it'slike being a sibling to them and
hear about their interests andall of those things, and nobody
seemed to really notice meanymore or see me.
And so that invisibility piecereally went across just contexts
for me piece really went acrossjust contexts for me.
(22:49):
And also just hearing things.
Like you know, I was, like Isaid, I was a real follower and
I like to serve others and helpothers.
And when I would hear otherssay things like, oh, they're so
sweet, don't look at them beingsuch a good, big helper, or
something of that nature as akid, I'm like, excuse me, you
don't know what they're like athome or you know those kinds of
things.
(23:09):
It's really hard and I knowit's a delicate balance, even as
a foster adoptive parent.
Sometimes.
How do you balance truthtelling with empathy and
understanding and compassion?
So that was a hard balance forme too as a kid trying to figure
out that.
But it really turned more intoI just kept it in.
Nobody really knew, nobody wascorrecting our community to say
(23:37):
no, things are actually reallyhard.
Thanks for asking.
Nobody was doing that.
So it was a lot of isolation inthat way as a foster adoptive
family and as a birth kidespecially.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Well, I think that's so hard to navigate and we were
talking about this before westarted recording today.
But I I think that's so hard tonavigate and we were talking
about this before we startedrecording today.
But I do think it is so hard tobalance protecting a child's
story, protecting them, havingempathy and compassion and also
being realistic with peopleabout the impacts of trauma,
(24:09):
because the reality is is thatit's not about the child in
themselves, it's the effects,it's the impact of trauma on
their lives and now and now inour lives that kind of disrupts
(24:29):
everything and people don'tunderstand.
So it's hard to play thatbalance right of.
How do you help peopleunderstand what your family's
going through and how to supportyour family unit as a whole?
how to support the kids that arealready in your home, how to
support you as parents so thatyou can do all the things, but
(24:58):
still still kind of protectingthe kids and what they're going
through so that we're notoverexposing their stories Right
, yeah, it's a hard balance.
Yeah, and as a kid, how do youhold that?
Did you?
And I mean your, yourbiological siblings?
Did you hold people's stories,or were you like listen?
I mean you?
You said that you just kind ofstayed invisible but did.
(25:21):
Did your brothers ever saylisten?
It's really hard.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
I will say there was one time I can remember where it
was like a really close familyfriend and I had shared with
them I don't rememberspecifically, but I remember
sharing with them just how hardthings were and instead of being
met with understanding orreflecting or anything of that
nature, I was met with likecorrection and scolding, and
they even went and like talkedto my parent about it.
(25:51):
And so I learned that it wasn'tsafe, it was not safe to tell
even close family friends aboutit.
And there was one time, even athome, that I had expressed what
I had said to you earlier likethey've ruined everything.
You know, I wish that thiswasn't how it was.
And my dad responded with kindof the same thing.
And my dad was able later toreflect that he responded that
(26:15):
way to me because I wasexpressing the things he felt
and he resented those in himself.
So how could he accept myemotions if he couldn't accept
his?
So I think all around we werehaving a hard time figuring out
how do we be true to ourexperiences, and so there were
times, but overall, yeah, I didjust not say the thing after.
(26:36):
I think I learned partially thatcame into our home after the
first three kids.
Well, even the first three kidswere closer to my brother's
ages than mine.
I always remained the oldest,but my brothers it didn't always
stay that way Like they weresometimes had.
They sometimes had kids olderthan them and sometimes younger
(26:56):
than them, sometimes the sameage as them, and so I think for
them their perspective wasprobably different too, because
there were a lot more like.
They played a lot more withthem, and whereas I would have
taken on more of a helper roleand those kinds of things, so I
can't remember them saying a lotyou know about like the stories
of other kids.
But our parents did tell usparticular things like we would
(27:20):
know, we would have like abaseline understanding of the
reason that they were in care orthose kinds of things.
But we always knew not to sharethat story with other people.
Right, sharing about the kidsin our home wasn't going to be
an appropriate thing to do, butwe could I mean, we could talk
about our emotions, but weweren't going to share anybody
else's story.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, now that you're on thisend of it, how do you help
parents navigate the needs ofkids that are already in our
home with the kids that they'rebringing in?
How do you help parentsnavigate those situations?
And I mean, do you even helpparents navigate their placement
(28:04):
preferences and the age of thechild that they're bringing in?
Do you disrupt birth order?
Do you not disrupt birth order,like all the things right, like
how do you help parents walkthrough that now?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Birth order is such a hot topic in this realm and
foster care, adoption, when youhave birth kids.
I actually like I've devotedsome of my trainings and
resources to this because I knowthat it's kind of what parents
want to know sometimes.
The tricky thing is it's reallynot what's most important.
Dr Jana Hunsley has done someresearch on the experiences of
(28:41):
birth kids and in that researchthey were measuring for
predictive factors.
So what are things that make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids?
And in that research they weremeasuring for like predictive
factors.
So what are things that make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids?
And birth order wasn't high upthere on the predictive factors.
Instead, I like to reframe itwhen I'm talking with parents,
we're thinking about like rolesin the family and like kind of
(29:03):
family systems, those sorts ofthings.
Birth order can fall into that,but it also isn't exclusive to
birth order.
So my role in my family canchange without my birth order
changing, or my perception of myrole in the family can change
without my birth order changing,or my birth order can change
and my role in the familydoesn't change.
So birth order is kind of thistricky thing that I think we put
(29:27):
a lot of weight in when reallywe should be asking more
questions like what is, what isthe child's perceived role in
the family and how is their rolechanging and how is their
perception of their rolechanging?
Those are the things that Iwant to know.
Examples with parents when I'mtalking about this If you think
(29:47):
of a baby mobile, you've got allthe little characters or
plushes or whatever hanging downand everything's balanced.
But what happens when you add afew to the mix, All of a sudden
it's not balanced anymore.
And so that's the experience itcan be the experience of birth
kids.
It's like where do I fit?
How do we find things balancedagain?
How do we get back toequilibrium?
And so sometimes that meansthat people in the family shift
(30:09):
roles.
They shift, you know, in theways that they function.
So that's kind of how I try tohelp parents think of it instead
is, with every kid that comesinto your home, there's going to
be changes in the way that afamily operates.
Every kid because there's eachkid is going to be changes in
the way that a family operates.
Every kid because there's eachkid is going to be different.
And so, if we're thinking backto the baby mobile.
(30:29):
Like you might find equilibriumwith one set of kiddos that's
in a house in your home as aplacement, but then when they
leave and another kiddo comes,everybody's probably going to
have to shift again.
And so just this constantmovement and changing positions
in the family, whether or notit's related to birth order, and
so that's one thing that Ireally try to help parents to
understand is that it is a huge,monumental change for birth
(30:54):
kids, no matter how you stack it.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Yeah, I think that's true for everybody.
I think everybody has tounderstand that when you're
adding people to your familyregardless of how or when or why
or whatever when you add peopleto your family, it's going to
shift the way that your familyworks.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
And.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I know for me every single placement that we took
two weeks in I panicked becausenow I'm out of this brand new
mode, right, but I haven't founda rhythm yet, and so I can
expect that kids in the familywould feel that times 10,
(31:38):
because they also don't have anycontrol.
They're not the ones kind ofhelping navigate the system
right, Like they're just kind ofa reflection of what the adults
have chosen.
I can imagine that that anxietycould kick up a lot more for
them than even it does for us asadults, because it still is
(32:01):
there for us as parents.
It still changes the way thatwe operate in our home.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Right.
And if we're thinking about, weas adults have probably a
greater understanding of whythings are the way that they are
, and sometimes kids eitherdon't have the developmental
ability to understand or kind ofcomprehend and to cope.
It could be that, but it alsocould be that parents haven't
given the information, and sothat's another hard and delicate
balance.
As parents, how much do weshare with our birth kids?
(32:30):
How much do we not share withthem, and how does that help
them to cope and to understand,or is it too much?
How do we know where the lineis drawn?
So I know that's a really hardplace for parents as well.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
What is like your top tip for parents that already
have kids in the home but arelooking at taking in foster kids
or adopting or something ofthis sort?
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah, well, in the research there's two things that
are pretty primary, that I talkabout a lot with parents.
That's one-on-one time, whichI've already kind of alluded to
in my own story.
It really does make adifference in the experiences of
birth kids, and that's not tosay, oh, only spend one-on-one
time with birth kids, right,because that would create some
odd dynamics in the family andthat sort of thing.
(33:13):
But it is important, it hasbeen shown to be important, as
we've chatted here today, justinvolving them from the very
beginning, making sure thatthey're on board, and if they're
not, can we pause, like you hadalluded to, right, if our
family's not ready, even if it'safter placement, the same is
(33:35):
relevant at the beginning.
If our family is not ready, ifeverybody's not on board, then
is there anything we can do tohelp everyone to be on board?
So communicating from the verybeginning.
And then I like to use, I saylike the three R's, after like a
placement, leave.
So that's rest, reconnect andreassess.
And so when a kiddo leaves thehome, the family should be
(33:55):
resting.
Like we all know that when youhave kiddos in care, you have
more appointments, you havevisits in the home, you live
life at a faster pace and sojust taking that time to rest is
really important, and I knowit's hard because we get a phone
call and we know that there'skids who need a place to be, but
we need to make sure we'reresting.
(34:15):
Reconnecting, which is thatone-on-one time that I mentioned
, connecting together, doing thethings that maybe you can't do
the same, whether that's becauseof particular needs of kiddos
who were in your home at thetime, or maybe even financially,
you know there's, I know, thatthings get expensive when
there's more people in the home.
So being able to reconnect witheach other during that time and
then reassessing, which isreally that communication piece
(34:36):
that says can we keep doing this?
If we can, does anything needto change?
Like, are there rules orexpectations that need to change
?
Are there, you know, likearrangements in the home, you
know where people stay, or do weneed to rest longer?
So just having thoseconversations, spending time
with birth kids, can just reallymake a world of difference in
(34:57):
how they experience their lifeas a birth kid in a foster,
adoptive family a fosteradoptive family.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
I love that.
Well, this has been a reallybig week for you.
You just had a book that cameout, and so talk to me a little
bit about what your book is,what it's about and who it's for
.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah, my book is called the Day Lily Turned
Uninvisible and it's obviouslykind of builds off of what I've
mentioned about thatinvisibility piece of birth kids
.
So this book is written with inmind birth kids and foster
adoptive families.
It tells the story of a birthkid named Lily, and a new kiddo
(35:38):
joins a family and all of asudden things are really
different for her.
People aren't noticing her.
People are noticing the thingsthat she does.
She's having to do some thingson her own.
She just doesn't quiteunderstand why have all of these
things changed?
She thinks, maybe I'm invisible,and it's comical, right,
because, like, literally thinksthat she's invisible.
(36:00):
But it's her perception, right,it's her perception of her
experiences and herinterpretation of her
experiences.
And so she does these things totry to see if she can turn
herself un-invisible, and itdoesn't seem to work.
And so she feels defeated andher mom is able to provide
insight to her, but not justinsight but empathy and
understanding.
And so these really keycomponents, and even that
(36:22):
communication piece of, we'reempathizing or validating those
emotions and we're able toprovide insight because we do
have a different perspectivethan maybe our kids are able to
see.
And so Lily's mom in the bookis able to do that for her, and
then we see just that thingsstart to change, whether that's
her perception or that, you knowit's not as new anymore.
Who's to say, you can interpretthat as the reader, but that's
(36:46):
kind of the journey that we seeLily go through, and so I'm so
excited for this, to be outthere and to be speaking, for
giving voice to some of theexperiences that birth kids
relate to.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Yeah, I think this could be a huge resource for
lots of parents in helping ourkids that are already in the
home kind of navigate thechanges that may be happening.
So I thank you for stepping outto do this right and having the
perspective that you have is sovaluable, and I think that this
(37:21):
resource is just going to be sobeneficial.
I will leave a link for thebook in the show notes, but also
tell our listeners where theycan find you.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
You can find me on.
Instagram and Facebook are theeasiest places to find me.
Instagram it's at withunderscore siblings, so that's
where you can find me onInstagram.
Facebook is a little bit morechallenging, but it's Facebook
slash with siblings, tx, becauseI'm in Texas.
So there you have that, and soyou can follow along there.
That's where I post most of mycontent about birth, kids and
(37:54):
whether that's helpful tips forparents, things to consider or
even just resources.
That's where most of that comesfrom.
I also have a website for that,as well as even just a personal
website, which isdaniellacoatscom.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Awesome, Daniela.
I will leave all of thosethings in the show notes for
listeners to be able to connectwith you.
I'm so thankful for you and foryou coming on today and sharing
with us and giving us someinsight of how we can have
better families all the wayaround.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
I have put all of Daniela's contact information in
the show notes, so be sure tocheck out her resources.
As we wrap up today, I'd liketo pray for us.
Heavenly Father, thank you forthis opportunity to serve.
Thank you for this opportunityto come alongside of you in the
(38:45):
work that you're doing infamilies and in communities.
Lord, help us support everybodyin our home well.
Help give us discernment andunderstanding.
Help us see each individual aswe seek to support them
throughout our journey.
Lord, we love you.
We trust you In Jesus' name,amen.
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