February 19, 2025 • 23 mins
The latest episode explores the multifaceted challenges of foster care and adoption, inviting listeners to engage with the often unspoken truths of this journey. By addressing hard topics with compassion, the episode emphasizes the importance of validating the experiences of caregivers and children alike while encouraging open conversations.
• Validating the difficulty of foster care without diminishing its beauty
• Acknowledging the impact of trauma on children in care
• Recognizing the complexities of bonding with foster children
• Balancing the goals of reunification with concerns for child safety
• Navigating conflicting feelings during goodbyes
• Identifying the difference between primary and secondary trauma in caregivers
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Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:55):
joy.
I want you to Barlow.
And before we dive into deepstuff today, can we just talk
about the weather for a second?
I feel like the weather talkhas been on repeat around here
lately.
But seriously, what ishappening?
Last week, I was convinced thatwe had finally made it.
The sun was shining, it waswarm enough to ditch the jackets
(01:16):
and my kids actually gotoutside without me begging them
to go burn off some energy.
And then, bam, it's likeJanuary has shown up again,
uninvited.
I'm so over the cold.
You guys, my kids need to getoutside, I need to get outside,
(01:37):
but here we are bundled up again, drinking warm drinks and
dreaming of the day where we canfeel the sunshine again.
I am really praying that thisis like the last week of cold,
so maybe you could pray for thattoo.
I'm sure that a lot of you arein the same boat and you just
(01:57):
want your kids to be able to gooutside and enjoy some warm
weather.
Now, speaking of things thatfeel like they should be one way
but end up being another, let'stalk about the complexities of
foster care and adoption.
Over the next couple ofpodcasts, we're going to be
digging into some harder things.
(02:18):
Honestly, guys, I am a littlenervous about this because we're
really going to be diving deep.
Foster care and adoption arefull of hard things that so many
times we are scared to say.
We don't want to offend anyone,we don't want others to miss
out on seeing beautiful things.
Because we talk about the hard,because there is so much beauty
(02:45):
, this journey really is a gift,but this journey is also full
of contradictions, isn't it?
We step into it with these openhearts, with willing hands,
with hopeful expectations, andmany times we find that things
are way messier than we everimagined.
And many times we find thatthings are way messier than we
ever imagined.
(03:05):
There are so many thoughts thatwe have as foster and adoptive
parents that we don't say outloud.
We don't say them because we'reafraid of judgment or because
we feel like they're too heavy,or because we don't want to seem
ungrateful or unloving or likewe're struggling more than we
should be, but bottling up thishard stuff doesn't make it go
(03:26):
away.
It doesn't actually help usfeel seen or supported or
healthy, and it certainlydoesn't help prepare the next
generation of foster andadoptive parents for what
they're walking into.
So we have to find a way to saythe hard things with grace.
We need to create a space tohonor everyone in the adoption
(03:46):
triad, while also being honestabout the impact of trauma and
loss.
Because, spoiler alert,adoption is not a Disney fairy
tale, it's not neat and tidy andit's not happily ever after for
anyone involved.
So today we're going to talkthrough some of those taboo
thoughts, the ones that swirl inour minds but rarely make it
(04:13):
past our lips, and we're goingto try to do it with honesty,
compassion and respect for therealities of this journey.
And I'm going to start with abiggie.
Foster care is hard.
Now that might not seem like abig deal to say, but trust me,
depending on who you're talkingto, it can trigger a strong
reaction.
Former or current foster youthmay feel dismissed or like their
(04:35):
lives are being reduced to thishardship.
Caseworkers and foster parentsmay wonder that if we talk too
much about how hard it is, thenfewer people will step up and
well-meaning friends and familymay try to encourage us by
telling us we can always stepaway if it's too much.
(04:56):
Y'all.
That's not super encouraging,is it?
But here's the thing Harddoesn't mean bad For former or
current foster youth.
Hearing foster parents say thatthis journey is hard it can
sometimes feel personal, likethey might hear I was a burden.
But that's not what we'resaying at all.
(05:16):
Foster care is hard becausetrauma is hard and you guys,
it's hardest on the kids.
It's hard to step intosituations that are messy and
painful.
It's hard to parent childrenwho have experienced deep loss
and it's hard to watch kidssuffer through something they
never should have had to endure.
(05:38):
Acknowledging the difficulty offoster care doesn't diminish
the worth or the beauty of thekids in care.
It simply acknowledges theimpact of what they've been
through.
Foster care is hard because itexists due to brokenness.
It's hard because children areexperiencing separation from
(06:00):
everything they've ever knownand no matter how necessary that
separation may be, it stillcomes with so much pain.
It's hard because healing isnot linear and trauma just
doesn't follow this predictabletimeline.
It's hard because love alone isnot enough to erase the effects
(06:21):
of neglect, abuse orinstability.
And on top of that, foster careis hard for the adults involved
too.
There's uncertainty andemotional exhaustion and an
ongoing need to navigate asystem that doesn't always
function the way that we wishthat it would.
It's full of goodbyes, and someof that just feels unjust, some
(06:45):
of that doesn't feel right, andsome of that just leaves us
wrestling with conflictingemotions.
And yet, despite all of this,there is beauty.
There's beauty in watching achild heal.
There's beauty in seeing thembuild after years of fear.
There's beauty knowing that,for however long they are in our
(07:08):
care, we have the opportunityto be a safe and loving presence
in their lives.
But acknowledging the beautydoesn't mean that we ignore the
struggle.
As a society, we don't like tosit in discomfort.
We like neat solutions andhappy endings, and when we hear
someone say foster care is hard,our instinct is often to either
(07:28):
downplay it or to encouragethem to step away.
We might say things like well,you signed up for this.
Or if it's too much, maybe it'sjust not the right fit.
But hard things can be theright things.
Just because somethingchallenges us doesn't mean that
we should walk away.
The best things in life.
Think about it.
(07:48):
Parenting, marriage, meaningfulwork they all come with
challenges.
The key is learning how to sitwith the difficulty.
They all come with challenges.
The key is learning how to sitwith the difficulty, how to
navigate it with support and howto remind ourselves that we're
doing something valuable, evenwhen it's exhausting.
So why does this matter?
Why do we need to be honestabout the hard parts?
(08:11):
First, for those that are juststepping into foster care, we
owe them a clear picture.
If we're only talking aboutheartwarming reunifications and
beautiful adoptions and themoments of healing, we set
people up for disillusionment.
We need to prepare them for thereality of trauma so they
aren't blindsided when thehoneymoon period fades and then
(08:33):
they're left navigating intensebehaviors.
And then they're leftnavigating intense behaviors.
They may see emotionaldysregulation or maybe they
don't know how to handle grief.
But the second thing is is weneed to acknowledge the depth of
what kids go through.
If we gloss over the difficultyof foster care, we minimize the
pain that these childrenexperience.
(08:55):
They don't need us to sugarcoattheir reality.
They need us to validate it.
They need us to say yes, whatyou've been through is unfair.
And yes, healing is hard, butyou are not alone in this.
So we need to start sayingthings like foster care is hard.
(09:17):
Okay, this next one is kind of abig one, you guys.
It says I don't always feel thesame bond with my foster child
as I do my other kids.
Oof, this one is a tough one,isn't it?
We go into foster care andadoption hoping for these deep
(09:38):
connections, but the truth is,bonding doesn't always happen
the way we expect it and it'snot a reflection of how much we
love our children.
It's a reflection of howattachment works.
So attachment is a biologicaland neurological process.
It's not just a fuzzy feeling.
It's built over time throughconsistent, safe nurturing
(10:01):
interactions.
So when children experienceearly trauma, neglect or
multiple caregivers, theirability to form secure
attachments may be disrupted.
And on our end, when we don'thave that same early bonding
experience like pregnancy,infancy or early childhood
attachment, it can feeldifferent.
(10:22):
And that doesn't make us badparents.
It makes us human.
When a child has a wall up andthey are resistant to attachment
and to trust because maybetheir previous trauma or loss,
or maybe just because we are anew person that hasn't earned
that trust.
Yet the way that they seek careand affection may seem guarded
(10:43):
y'all because it is.
Those attempts to seek care mayseem awkward or sometimes not
genuine because that trust andthe feeling isn't fully there
yet.
And when a child has a guard upyet is seeking connection, it
signals to our brain that weneed to be on guard.
(11:04):
Our brain says this person maynot truly be authentic and
vulnerable, which signals thatwe may need to have a guard up.
All of this is happening, youguys, without a conscious
thought.
It's just going on in thebackground.
But what we may feel is thatit's more difficult to give
nurture and affection becausewhen our guard is up, our brain
(11:27):
is telling us to be careful.
Their wall being up isn't asignal that they don't like us
or that they're just trying tobe manipulative, or whatever it
means.
Their brain is working.
Their brain is working toprotect them.
That's what it's there for andit's a reminder to us that this
(11:48):
isn't the way that it was meantto be.
They were meant to be bondingwith a mom that held them in the
womb, not a stranger that juststepped in.
Held them in the womb, not astranger that just stepped in.
It may take more energy andintentionality, but it takes
more energy for them to trust ustoo.
So what do we do?
We lean in, we lean into thisbonding process.
(12:10):
Even when it feels slow, weengage an intentional connection
.
Feels slow, we engage anintentional connection.
And we remind ourselves thatattachment isn't just a feeling,
it's a commitment.
It means we need to use ourlogical brains as adults to
remind us that the only way togive this child what they need
is to consistently meet theirneeds, both physical and
(12:32):
relational, and to pull themnear.
And we need to give ourselvesand our kids grace in this whole
journey, Understanding thatthis statement that I don't feel
the same way doesn't make you abad person.
And they probably don't feelthe same way about you as they
(12:57):
do their biological parent, andthat doesn't make them a bad
person.
Like it's just our brainsworking to learn to trust one
another.
Okay, taboo thought.
Number three I feel tornbetween wanting to support
reunification and wanting tokeep them safe.
So we can be for reunificationand restoration and still feel
(13:22):
unsure sometimes.
The point of foster care.
The primary goal of foster careis reunification.
It is to return a child totheir biological family, if that
can be safe, but foster care isboth, and we can both want
what's best for the biologicalfamily and also want to protect
(13:46):
the children in our care, andsometimes those desires seem
like they're in conflict.
This tension is normal, youguys.
It exists because the system iscomplicated, the people
involved are human and traumamakes everything messy.
The reality is that some kidsare reunified into beautifully
(14:11):
restored families and othersreturn to situations that make
us worry.
Families and others return tosituations that make us worry,
and we carry the weight of bothof those.
The key here is holding spacefor both truths Families can
heal and that not everysituation is safe.
So we can advocate for what'sbest without villainizing birth
(14:35):
families.
Y'all birth families need ourrespect.
They need us to give themdignity, regardless of if we are
advocating for children to gohome or not which, by the way,
is not ultimately our decisionright.
But we can give them respect,we can give them dignity and
(14:57):
also advocate for the child tobe safe.
And we can grieve whenreunification happens.
We can grieve and still believein redemption.
So all of these things, all ofthese hard truths, can be true
at the same time.
Ultimately, god is sovereignand we can trust that His plan
(15:20):
never fails.
But working through this maytake some wrestling with the
Lord to get to that place ofpure trust y'all.
And even in the times where Ithink I've gotten to a place of
really pure, genuine trust,ultimately I'm still in a place
where I'm saying I believe Lord,help my unbelief right.
(15:42):
All right, taboo thought numberfour Goodbyes are heartbreaking
, but sometimes they're also arelief.
This one might sting a little,but let's be real.
There are some times whensaying goodbye is gut-wrenching
and then there are other timeswhen it's well, a little bit of
(16:03):
a relief.
When we foster kids withsignificant trauma, behaviors or
needs, it can take a toll on usphysically, emotionally and
mentally and sometimes, when thecase closes, there's a deep
sense of grief and an undeniablewave of relief Y'all there's
just sometimes it feels good toget out of that tension.
(16:28):
That doesn't mean we don't lovethem.
It doesn't mean we weren'tfully invested.
It just means we are human andthat's okay.
It can also help us understandwhat some of our kids are
processing.
There are many times when theyjust want to go home.
It doesn't mean that they don'tcare for us, but sometimes
being in care takes its toll onthem the grief, the loss, the
(16:53):
unknown, and they just want tobe with their family.
So we can use that feeling thatwe feel sometimes to be able to
try to relate to our kids fromtime to time.
All right, last one taboothought, number five Sometimes
what we are facing as parents isnot secondary trauma but
(17:17):
primary trauma.
This one's a big deal.
We often talk about secondarytrauma, the stress and emotional
burden we carry as caregiverswhen we step into somebody
else's trauma, but sometimeswhat we are experiencing is
actually primary trauma.
When we're yelled at, whenwe're hit, cursed at, rejected
(17:41):
day after day, it affects usdeeply.
It's not just witnessing trauma, it's experiencing it, and we
need to acknowledge that so thatwe can heal.
I know that everybody says thatwe shouldn't take it personally
, but you guys, while Iunderstand the sentiment and
there is a space for that manytimes that statement, though, is
(18:03):
just not helpful.
You are going to take itpersonally.
We would never tell a womanthat is being treated this way
by their spouse.
Just don't take it personally,or just give that person
compassion.
They just need more compassion,and our brains don't always
realize that the treatment iscoming from a child.
(18:23):
Our brains just feel danger.
Our brains are just reacting tothe trauma and, yes, we can
decompress and remind ourselvesof our child's history and that
we can continue to show up forthem and remind ourselves that
it's not really about us.
But also we have to acknowledgethat sometimes it is primary
(18:43):
trauma that we're experiencing.
Primary trauma that we'reexperiencing.
We're going to dig into this alittle bit more next week, but
we need to think through how wecan talk about this and still
give honor to our kids.
There has to be a way to givethem compassion but, at the same
time, not minimize what theresults of trauma on a child's
brain actually looks like.
(19:04):
In a home we had a child thatwas physically violent pretty
regularly and when she firststarted getting violent, I spoke
a lot of compassion y'all whichis not a bad thing, but I
didn't set boundaries for myselfand I didn't see the impact of
(19:24):
only speaking compassion aboutthis violence.
See my other kids.
What they were learning was tobe compassionate about abuse.
They were learning to excuseviolence because of trauma.
I watched them a couple oftimes be mistreated by their
peers and they just allowed itout of compassion and y'all this
(19:46):
mistreatment sometimes wasphysical and they just allowed
it out of compassion and y'allthis mistreatment sometimes was
physical and they just allowedit out of compassion and they
just kind of excused what wasgoing on.
And that's not okay either.
So we have to see this space asboth we can be compassionate
but still hold boundaries andspeak truth.
(20:07):
This is a hard thing to balanceand I haven't totally figured it
out yet, but I know that inthis space we have to be able to
start figuring this out.
We have to figure out how totalk about this stuff and give
our kids the compassion thatthey deserve.
And give our kids thecompassion that they deserve.
I think therapy, support groups, nervous system regulation
(20:34):
strategies like nutrition,movement, mindfulness, y'all
they aren't just for our kids,they're for us too.
We are going to have to process.
If we have experienced primarytrauma in our homes, we are
going to have to process throughsome of those things.
Foster care and adoption arehard.
They are beautiful, it isredemptive, it is meaningful,
(20:59):
but it's also really messy, itcan be painful and it is most
always complicated.
If we want to do this well, wehave to be able to have real
conversations.
You guys, we have to hold aspace for truth, while honoring
the dignity of everyone in theprocess.
So today I just wanted toremind you you are not alone.
(21:21):
Your thoughts, feelings andstruggles they don't make you a
bad parent.
They make you human.
Feelings and struggles, theydon't make you a bad parent.
They make you human.
Let's keep talking, let's keepsupporting one another and let's
navigate this journey withgrace.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with a friend who
(21:43):
needs to hear it and if youhaven't yet, leave a review so
we can keep having theseimportant conversations.
I'm going to pray for us as wewrap up, but until next time,
take care of yourself so thatyou can keep showing up for the
kids who need you most.
Heavenly Father, you are good,you are sovereign.
Help us to trust you in thisprocess, lord, and give us
(22:07):
wisdom.
Holy Spirit, give usdiscernment as we seek to have
these hard and difficultconversations, as we seek to say
these hard and difficult thingsto one another.
But do it with grace, lord.
Do it in a way that respectsand gives dignity to everybody
(22:28):
involved, because we are allmade in the image of God.
We are all valuable and worthyof dignity, Lord, just because
we were made in your image.
God, help us to exude grace andlight as we enter these
challenging situations.
(22:49):
Lord, we love you.
We trust you In Jesus' name.
Amen, thank you.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:55):
joy.
I want you to Barlow.
And before we dive into deepstuff today, can we just talk
about the weather for a second?
I feel like the weather talkhas been on repeat around here
lately.
But seriously, what ishappening?
Last week, I was convinced thatwe had finally made it.
The sun was shining, it waswarm enough to ditch the jackets
(01:16):
and my kids actually gotoutside without me begging them
to go burn off some energy.
And then, bam, it's likeJanuary has shown up again,
uninvited.
I'm so over the cold.
You guys, my kids need to getoutside, I need to get outside,
(01:37):
but here we are bundled up again, drinking warm drinks and
dreaming of the day where we canfeel the sunshine again.
I am really praying that thisis like the last week of cold,
so maybe you could pray for thattoo.
I'm sure that a lot of you arein the same boat and you just
(01:57):
want your kids to be able to gooutside and enjoy some warm
weather.
Now, speaking of things thatfeel like they should be one way
but end up being another, let'stalk about the complexities of
foster care and adoption.
Over the next couple ofpodcasts, we're going to be
digging into some harder things.
(02:18):
Honestly, guys, I am a littlenervous about this because we're
really going to be diving deep.
Foster care and adoption arefull of hard things that so many
times we are scared to say.
We don't want to offend anyone,we don't want others to miss
out on seeing beautiful things.
Because we talk about the hard,because there is so much beauty
(02:45):
, this journey really is a gift,but this journey is also full
of contradictions, isn't it?
We step into it with these openhearts, with willing hands,
with hopeful expectations, andmany times we find that things
are way messier than we everimagined.
And many times we find thatthings are way messier than we
ever imagined.
(03:05):
There are so many thoughts thatwe have as foster and adoptive
parents that we don't say outloud.
We don't say them because we'reafraid of judgment or because
we feel like they're too heavy,or because we don't want to seem
ungrateful or unloving or likewe're struggling more than we
should be, but bottling up thishard stuff doesn't make it go
(03:26):
away.
It doesn't actually help usfeel seen or supported or
healthy, and it certainlydoesn't help prepare the next
generation of foster andadoptive parents for what
they're walking into.
So we have to find a way to saythe hard things with grace.
We need to create a space tohonor everyone in the adoption
(03:46):
triad, while also being honestabout the impact of trauma and
loss.
Because, spoiler alert,adoption is not a Disney fairy
tale, it's not neat and tidy andit's not happily ever after for
anyone involved.
So today we're going to talkthrough some of those taboo
thoughts, the ones that swirl inour minds but rarely make it
(04:13):
past our lips, and we're goingto try to do it with honesty,
compassion and respect for therealities of this journey.
And I'm going to start with abiggie.
Foster care is hard.
Now that might not seem like abig deal to say, but trust me,
depending on who you're talkingto, it can trigger a strong
reaction.
Former or current foster youthmay feel dismissed or like their
(04:35):
lives are being reduced to thishardship.
Caseworkers and foster parentsmay wonder that if we talk too
much about how hard it is, thenfewer people will step up and
well-meaning friends and familymay try to encourage us by
telling us we can always stepaway if it's too much.
(04:56):
Y'all.
That's not super encouraging,is it?
But here's the thing Harddoesn't mean bad For former or
current foster youth.
Hearing foster parents say thatthis journey is hard it can
sometimes feel personal, likethey might hear I was a burden.
But that's not what we'resaying at all.
(05:16):
Foster care is hard becausetrauma is hard and you guys,
it's hardest on the kids.
It's hard to step intosituations that are messy and
painful.
It's hard to parent childrenwho have experienced deep loss
and it's hard to watch kidssuffer through something they
never should have had to endure.
(05:38):
Acknowledging the difficulty offoster care doesn't diminish
the worth or the beauty of thekids in care.
It simply acknowledges theimpact of what they've been
through.
Foster care is hard because itexists due to brokenness.
It's hard because children areexperiencing separation from
(06:00):
everything they've ever knownand no matter how necessary that
separation may be, it stillcomes with so much pain.
It's hard because healing isnot linear and trauma just
doesn't follow this predictabletimeline.
It's hard because love alone isnot enough to erase the effects
(06:21):
of neglect, abuse orinstability.
And on top of that, foster careis hard for the adults involved
too.
There's uncertainty andemotional exhaustion and an
ongoing need to navigate asystem that doesn't always
function the way that we wishthat it would.
It's full of goodbyes, and someof that just feels unjust, some
(06:45):
of that doesn't feel right, andsome of that just leaves us
wrestling with conflictingemotions.
And yet, despite all of this,there is beauty.
There's beauty in watching achild heal.
There's beauty in seeing thembuild after years of fear.
There's beauty knowing that,for however long they are in our
(07:08):
care, we have the opportunityto be a safe and loving presence
in their lives.
But acknowledging the beautydoesn't mean that we ignore the
struggle.
As a society, we don't like tosit in discomfort.
We like neat solutions andhappy endings, and when we hear
someone say foster care is hard,our instinct is often to either
(07:28):
downplay it or to encouragethem to step away.
We might say things like well,you signed up for this.
Or if it's too much, maybe it'sjust not the right fit.
But hard things can be theright things.
Just because somethingchallenges us doesn't mean that
we should walk away.
The best things in life.
Think about it.
(07:48):
Parenting, marriage, meaningfulwork they all come with
challenges.
The key is learning how to sitwith the difficulty.
They all come with challenges.
The key is learning how to sitwith the difficulty, how to
navigate it with support and howto remind ourselves that we're
doing something valuable, evenwhen it's exhausting.
So why does this matter?
Why do we need to be honestabout the hard parts?
(08:11):
First, for those that are juststepping into foster care, we
owe them a clear picture.
If we're only talking aboutheartwarming reunifications and
beautiful adoptions and themoments of healing, we set
people up for disillusionment.
We need to prepare them for thereality of trauma so they
aren't blindsided when thehoneymoon period fades and then
(08:33):
they're left navigating intensebehaviors.
And then they're leftnavigating intense behaviors.
They may see emotionaldysregulation or maybe they
don't know how to handle grief.
But the second thing is is weneed to acknowledge the depth of
what kids go through.
If we gloss over the difficultyof foster care, we minimize the
pain that these childrenexperience.
(08:55):
They don't need us to sugarcoattheir reality.
They need us to validate it.
They need us to say yes, whatyou've been through is unfair.
And yes, healing is hard, butyou are not alone in this.
So we need to start sayingthings like foster care is hard.
(09:17):
Okay, this next one is kind of abig one, you guys.
It says I don't always feel thesame bond with my foster child
as I do my other kids.
Oof, this one is a tough one,isn't it?
We go into foster care andadoption hoping for these deep
(09:38):
connections, but the truth is,bonding doesn't always happen
the way we expect it and it'snot a reflection of how much we
love our children.
It's a reflection of howattachment works.
So attachment is a biologicaland neurological process.
It's not just a fuzzy feeling.
It's built over time throughconsistent, safe nurturing
(10:01):
interactions.
So when children experienceearly trauma, neglect or
multiple caregivers, theirability to form secure
attachments may be disrupted.
And on our end, when we don'thave that same early bonding
experience like pregnancy,infancy or early childhood
attachment, it can feeldifferent.
(10:22):
And that doesn't make us badparents.
It makes us human.
When a child has a wall up andthey are resistant to attachment
and to trust because maybetheir previous trauma or loss,
or maybe just because we are anew person that hasn't earned
that trust.
Yet the way that they seek careand affection may seem guarded
(10:43):
y'all because it is.
Those attempts to seek care mayseem awkward or sometimes not
genuine because that trust andthe feeling isn't fully there
yet.
And when a child has a guard upyet is seeking connection, it
signals to our brain that weneed to be on guard.
(11:04):
Our brain says this person maynot truly be authentic and
vulnerable, which signals thatwe may need to have a guard up.
All of this is happening, youguys, without a conscious
thought.
It's just going on in thebackground.
But what we may feel is thatit's more difficult to give
nurture and affection becausewhen our guard is up, our brain
(11:27):
is telling us to be careful.
Their wall being up isn't asignal that they don't like us
or that they're just trying tobe manipulative, or whatever it
means.
Their brain is working.
Their brain is working toprotect them.
That's what it's there for andit's a reminder to us that this
(11:48):
isn't the way that it was meantto be.
They were meant to be bondingwith a mom that held them in the
womb, not a stranger that juststepped in.
Held them in the womb, not astranger that just stepped in.
It may take more energy andintentionality, but it takes
more energy for them to trust ustoo.
So what do we do?
We lean in, we lean into thisbonding process.
(12:10):
Even when it feels slow, weengage an intentional connection
.
Feels slow, we engage anintentional connection.
And we remind ourselves thatattachment isn't just a feeling,
it's a commitment.
It means we need to use ourlogical brains as adults to
remind us that the only way togive this child what they need
is to consistently meet theirneeds, both physical and
(12:32):
relational, and to pull themnear.
And we need to give ourselvesand our kids grace in this whole
journey, Understanding thatthis statement that I don't feel
the same way doesn't make you abad person.
And they probably don't feelthe same way about you as they
(12:57):
do their biological parent, andthat doesn't make them a bad
person.
Like it's just our brainsworking to learn to trust one
another.
Okay, taboo thought.
Number three I feel tornbetween wanting to support
reunification and wanting tokeep them safe.
So we can be for reunificationand restoration and still feel
(13:22):
unsure sometimes.
The point of foster care.
The primary goal of foster careis reunification.
It is to return a child totheir biological family, if that
can be safe, but foster care isboth, and we can both want
what's best for the biologicalfamily and also want to protect
(13:46):
the children in our care, andsometimes those desires seem
like they're in conflict.
This tension is normal, youguys.
It exists because the system iscomplicated, the people
involved are human and traumamakes everything messy.
The reality is that some kidsare reunified into beautifully
(14:11):
restored families and othersreturn to situations that make
us worry.
Families and others return tosituations that make us worry,
and we carry the weight of bothof those.
The key here is holding spacefor both truths Families can
heal and that not everysituation is safe.
So we can advocate for what'sbest without villainizing birth
(14:35):
families.
Y'all birth families need ourrespect.
They need us to give themdignity, regardless of if we are
advocating for children to gohome or not which, by the way,
is not ultimately our decisionright.
But we can give them respect,we can give them dignity and
(14:57):
also advocate for the child tobe safe.
And we can grieve whenreunification happens.
We can grieve and still believein redemption.
So all of these things, all ofthese hard truths, can be true
at the same time.
Ultimately, god is sovereignand we can trust that His plan
(15:20):
never fails.
But working through this maytake some wrestling with the
Lord to get to that place ofpure trust y'all.
And even in the times where Ithink I've gotten to a place of
really pure, genuine trust,ultimately I'm still in a place
where I'm saying I believe Lord,help my unbelief right.
(15:42):
All right, taboo thought numberfour Goodbyes are heartbreaking
, but sometimes they're also arelief.
This one might sting a little,but let's be real.
There are some times whensaying goodbye is gut-wrenching
and then there are other timeswhen it's well, a little bit of
(16:03):
a relief.
When we foster kids withsignificant trauma, behaviors or
needs, it can take a toll on usphysically, emotionally and
mentally and sometimes, when thecase closes, there's a deep
sense of grief and an undeniablewave of relief Y'all there's
just sometimes it feels good toget out of that tension.
(16:28):
That doesn't mean we don't lovethem.
It doesn't mean we weren'tfully invested.
It just means we are human andthat's okay.
It can also help us understandwhat some of our kids are
processing.
There are many times when theyjust want to go home.
It doesn't mean that they don'tcare for us, but sometimes
being in care takes its toll onthem the grief, the loss, the
(16:53):
unknown, and they just want tobe with their family.
So we can use that feeling thatwe feel sometimes to be able to
try to relate to our kids fromtime to time.
All right, last one taboothought, number five Sometimes
what we are facing as parents isnot secondary trauma but
(17:17):
primary trauma.
This one's a big deal.
We often talk about secondarytrauma, the stress and emotional
burden we carry as caregiverswhen we step into somebody
else's trauma, but sometimeswhat we are experiencing is
actually primary trauma.
When we're yelled at, whenwe're hit, cursed at, rejected
(17:41):
day after day, it affects usdeeply.
It's not just witnessing trauma, it's experiencing it, and we
need to acknowledge that so thatwe can heal.
I know that everybody says thatwe shouldn't take it personally
, but you guys, while Iunderstand the sentiment and
there is a space for that manytimes that statement, though, is
(18:03):
just not helpful.
You are going to take itpersonally.
We would never tell a womanthat is being treated this way
by their spouse.
Just don't take it personally,or just give that person
compassion.
They just need more compassion,and our brains don't always
realize that the treatment iscoming from a child.
(18:23):
Our brains just feel danger.
Our brains are just reacting tothe trauma and, yes, we can
decompress and remind ourselvesof our child's history and that
we can continue to show up forthem and remind ourselves that
it's not really about us.
But also we have to acknowledgethat sometimes it is primary
(18:43):
trauma that we're experiencing.
Primary trauma that we'reexperiencing.
We're going to dig into this alittle bit more next week, but
we need to think through how wecan talk about this and still
give honor to our kids.
There has to be a way to givethem compassion but, at the same
time, not minimize what theresults of trauma on a child's
brain actually looks like.
(19:04):
In a home we had a child thatwas physically violent pretty
regularly and when she firststarted getting violent, I spoke
a lot of compassion y'all whichis not a bad thing, but I
didn't set boundaries for myselfand I didn't see the impact of
(19:24):
only speaking compassion aboutthis violence.
See my other kids.
What they were learning was tobe compassionate about abuse.
They were learning to excuseviolence because of trauma.
I watched them a couple oftimes be mistreated by their
peers and they just allowed itout of compassion and y'all this
(19:46):
mistreatment sometimes wasphysical and they just allowed
it out of compassion and y'allthis mistreatment sometimes was
physical and they just allowedit out of compassion and they
just kind of excused what wasgoing on.
And that's not okay either.
So we have to see this space asboth we can be compassionate
but still hold boundaries andspeak truth.
(20:07):
This is a hard thing to balanceand I haven't totally figured it
out yet, but I know that inthis space we have to be able to
start figuring this out.
We have to figure out how totalk about this stuff and give
our kids the compassion thatthey deserve.
And give our kids thecompassion that they deserve.
I think therapy, support groups, nervous system regulation
(20:34):
strategies like nutrition,movement, mindfulness, y'all
they aren't just for our kids,they're for us too.
We are going to have to process.
If we have experienced primarytrauma in our homes, we are
going to have to process throughsome of those things.
Foster care and adoption arehard.
They are beautiful, it isredemptive, it is meaningful,
(20:59):
but it's also really messy, itcan be painful and it is most
always complicated.
If we want to do this well, wehave to be able to have real
conversations.
You guys, we have to hold aspace for truth, while honoring
the dignity of everyone in theprocess.
So today I just wanted toremind you you are not alone.
(21:21):
Your thoughts, feelings andstruggles they don't make you a
bad parent.
They make you human.
Feelings and struggles, theydon't make you a bad parent.
They make you human.
Let's keep talking, let's keepsupporting one another and let's
navigate this journey withgrace.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with a friend who
(21:43):
needs to hear it and if youhaven't yet, leave a review so
we can keep having theseimportant conversations.
I'm going to pray for us as wewrap up, but until next time,
take care of yourself so thatyou can keep showing up for the
kids who need you most.
Heavenly Father, you are good,you are sovereign.
Help us to trust you in thisprocess, lord, and give us
(22:07):
wisdom.
Holy Spirit, give usdiscernment as we seek to have
these hard and difficultconversations, as we seek to say
these hard and difficult thingsto one another.
But do it with grace, lord.
Do it in a way that respectsand gives dignity to everybody
(22:28):
involved, because we are allmade in the image of God.
We are all valuable and worthyof dignity, Lord, just because
we were made in your image.
God, help us to exude grace andlight as we enter these
challenging situations.
(22:49):
Lord, we love you.
We trust you In Jesus' name.
Amen, thank you.
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