October 20, 2023 • 27 mins
What happens when the joy of new life collides with the harsh reality of a cancer diagnosis? Caitlin, shares her intensely personal journey of simultaneously navigating pregnancy and breast cancer treatment. Gripped with shock and denial, she grapples with a flood of emotions while wrestling with the seven stages of grief. Caitlin's raw and touching recount of her battle with cancer and the unexpected bond with her unborn baby offers profound insights into the human capacity for resilience.
Caitlin doesn't just stop at sharing her story; she takes us on an exploration into the vital role of self-examination and advocacy in cancer prevention and early detection. Especially for women under 40, regular mammograms might not be routine, making self-checks all the more crucial. Caitlin emphasizes on trusting your instincts and voicing concerns when something feels off. Remember, you are stronger than you think, and equipped to face any adversity life presents. Caitlin's journey is not just a story of survival, but a testament to the power of shared experiences.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Something to note.
We are not healthcare providersor professionals.
We are, however, two people whohave lived through a monumental
medical event and find comfortin sharing what worked for us
two others.
These are our experiences andare no way meant to treat or
diagnose the general public.
Always listen to your body andalways listen to your doctors
(00:22):
for guidance.
Alright, let's get into it.
I'm Caitlin Rouse and I'm KevinAdams.
We are Going Through it.
Hello podcast listeners, I'mCaitlin Rouse and he's Kevin
(00:48):
Adams.
Welcome to Going Through it.
This is a podcast dedicated tounpacking how we are both
navigating a very chaotic yeartogether.
We are talking about cancerdiagnosis, wild pregnant cancer
treatments, surgeries and newparenthood.
Welcome back.
Thank you so much for stickingaround for our very first
(01:10):
official episode.
Recording our intro was verytherapeutic and somewhat
cathartic for us.
I hope that you got as much outof it as we put into it.
This week and for the upcomingseveral weeks, we are going to
be focusing on unpacking theseven stages of grief.
What fun, no, but in allseriousness, this experience was
(01:35):
monumentally traumatizing.
There's a lot to grieve myhealth, my future, my life and
its entirety All of that wastorn away from me.
There were a lot of momentswhere I felt like I was
shipwrecked at sea.
I was treading water withabsolutely nothing to hold on to
(01:57):
.
On the particularly harder days, the water would swell or would
be extraordinarily choppy andit would close up all around me.
I'd try to come up for a breath, but I would choke on the waves
every time.
It was rough.
When I talked to friends orfamily saying it was hard, it
(02:18):
doesn't really seem toadequately cover it, not by a
long shot.
So as we dissect these stagesof grief, we'll be honing in on
what each one was like for me,because no two people's
experiences are the same.
That's a great segue to my nextpoint.
This is my experience.
(02:40):
Throughout this podcast.
I'm going to be deep, divinginto what my personal, emotional
and mental experience was withfighting through cancer.
This does not mean that it'syours, your brothers, your
mothers or your neighbors.
Cancer is vicious.
It is earth-shattering, nomatter your age, your race, your
(03:00):
gender identity, orientation,religious background, etc.
Etc.
And it affects everyone andeveryone's family differently.
Keeping this in mind, please bekind and give a lot of grace to
yourself or to whoever you knowthat has been affected by this.
Alright, unofficial PSA over.
(03:24):
Let's really dive into this.
Betterhelpcom states that quoteknowing what to expect during
each stage of grief can help youunderstand the emotional
changes that occur following anyloss.
There are, in fact, sevenstages.
Some outlets and platforms sayfive, but reading through all
(03:46):
seven I saw listed, I found Iidentified with those seven
stages.
So, for a sake of argument,that's the list I'm going to be
referring to during this episodeand over the course of all
upcoming episodes.
Those seven stages are asfollows One shock and denial.
(04:06):
Two pain and guilt.
Three anger and bargaining.
Four depression.
Five upward turn.
Six reconstruction and recovery.
Seven acceptance.
If I'm really being honest here, I wish I would have gone
through this list while I was inthe thick of it to really
validate myself that theemotions I was experiencing was
(04:28):
part of the natural grievingprocess.
I didn't, but you know that'sfine, because now I'm here I'm
able to break it down after thefact, which is really optimal,
because even living to an afterthe fact I'm really grateful for
, and that's the best gift ofall.
Today we're unpacking stage one, shock and denial.
(04:52):
And what a true shock it was.
I want you, as a listener, topicture this.
You're a 32 year old lady.
Finally, for the first time inyour life you're financially
secure.
You've worked really hard toget here and you've had the
privilege of doing sometraveling and had some
(05:13):
experiences that you wouldn'ttrade for the world.
But you're still relativelyyoung and there's still more
that you want to see and morethat you want to do.
Then you find out you'repregnant.
Your head spins because younever saw this, not even when
you were small.
As a side note, I legit dreadedmy plastic Barbie dream house
(05:35):
to my younger sister because Iwanted to clear out a cabinet so
my Barbie could live in anapartment.
I was nine.
I was really focused on my owngrowth, personally and
professionally at this point inmy life.
Speaking of, I had worked hardafter years of doing makeup
professionally for retail, thenstage, then fashion, then film,
(05:58):
then celebrity, to switch to thecorporate side of beauty.
I really enjoyed the feeling ofmaking an impact on a team.
But anyway I digress At thispoint I've decided that I'm
going to choose to have thischild.
I'm six months into a pregnancyI never thought would happen and
only to have been strugglingwith a lot of pain in my left
(06:22):
breast.
It felt like a knot, almostlike when you have a muscle knot
in your back.
I spoke to my OB several timesabout this.
The first two times she told mequote everything swells when
you're pregnant.
Try a heat pad on your breastfor relief.
End quote.
I tried.
(06:43):
Nothing helped.
It actually got worse and asthe weeks came and went, the
knot became larger and the painbecame constant.
I mentioned it again, I wasagain told everything swells.
And then this is not a joke,I'm totally serious.
This is what she told me.
(07:04):
Quote cancer doesn't hurt, sothere's no need to get stressed
about that.
End quote.
It's at this point that Ibasically begged her to help and
she wrote me a referral to geta breast ultrasound done.
A week later I went for theultrasound.
(07:24):
When the tech completed theultrasound, they told me okay,
the doctor is going to reviewthe results and then I'll come
back in to talk with you.
Okay, sounds good.
I said, and I remember sittingin this really small room
staring at a clock on the wall.
It was ticking really loud andI left my phone in a closet
(07:47):
outside the room because theyasked you, when you stripped
down, to leave your belongingsoutside.
I watched and listened to theticking for five minutes, but
then the five minutes turned to10 and then to 15.
I was starting to get kind ofnervous.
I didn't think anything wassuper serious, remember.
(08:10):
I was very eloquently assured bymy doctor, but as the time
ticked away I started to becomea little paranoid.
Had something truly gone wrong?
Did I not take enough vitaminswhile carrying my son?
Maybe the odd glass of wineevery now and again truly was
damaging.
Maybe not even to my son, butto me.
(08:32):
Maybe it was just their machineor their computer.
Maybe there was some error, orthe tech hadn't had our lunch
yet and she had taken theopportunity to slip a few bites
in of a sandwich.
While I waited, as I'm thinkingthis, the door opened and a
woman I hadn't met before camein, followed by the tech.
(08:54):
This is the doctor.
The tech introduced me Nice tomeet you.
I said we're seeing somethingthat's a cause for concern on
your ultrasound.
The mass itself does notconsist of matter of fact points
.
When a mass is well constructed, that's typically something we
(09:14):
see in a benign mass.
This is not.
Your mass is larger than wetypically see and the edges are
not well defined.
We're also seeing evidence of alymph node under your arm
that's enlarged.
This can sometimes be anindicator that something is a
miss.
I strongly recommend you get abiopsy today.
Oh, today, like here at thisfacility.
(09:39):
I said yes.
She responded oh, okay, whattime?
What time?
My thoughts are racing.
I'm thinking I stepped away fromwork to accommodate this
appointment.
I was supposed to be backonline within the hour.
Well, we could do it in aboutan hour.
The doctor said oh, okay,listeners, I was terrified.
(10:06):
I've never had any type ofsurgery or invasive procedure.
I barely ever even had anythingmore than a blood test and a
pap smear.
I've never been medicated,except for a small prescription
of Xanax for anxiety.
I've always taken amultivitamin, and that's it.
What did this all mean?
(10:27):
What was going on?
I went down to the car whereKevin's waiting for me and I
tell him this Okay, you want toget some food?
Before I called my boss and Ilet her know I was going to be
longer and why.
I tried not to cry on the phonewith her and as I stifled a
particularly rogue sob, she saidlisten, caitlin, this is your
(10:49):
health.
This is non-negotiable, nomatter what happens today and
beyond.
We will figure this out Onestep at a time, and we will
figure this out.
She is no longer my boss, butthat was by far the best thing I
could have ever heard at thetime.
So matter of fact, and so kindand supportive.
(11:13):
We drove back to the facility.
I did the biopsy.
Turns out they could only usesome local low-grade anesthesia
because I was pregnant.
I was told to lay on the table,remove my clothes from the
waist up, and I stared at theceiling and cried for the
entirety of the procedure.
I remember on the ceiling therewas one ceiling tile that was
(11:39):
painted to look like a beach,and I remember staring at the
palm tree and this paintedsunset and just wishing, hoping
that that's where I was.
The women in that room with mewere so kind and so comforting.
I remember feeling so ashamedand embarrassed, but I was so
(12:00):
fucking scared.
What did this mean for me?
What did this mean for my son?
What if this was bad?
I don't think I slept thatnight.
A week later, on June 20th 2022,my OB called and she confirmed
the worst.
(12:21):
She told me that I had breastcancer.
Do you know, when you watchmovies and the character
suddenly realizes some majorplot twist, and in that moment
the frame and the audio slowsdown and everything becomes low
(12:42):
and stretches out.
Visuals stretch out, almosttunneling On one point.
That's what it felt like as Isat in my kitchen.
That was the shock.
My OB hung up on me while I wasin the middle of asking her a
question.
After delivering this news, sheeventually called me back and
(13:04):
apologized.
Now I can't imagine what it'slike to have to deliver news
like that to someone, andperhaps she felt a lot of guilt,
given she made no effort tolisten to me or my concerns in
the beginning stages of this.
But man, was she the absoluteworst in this process?
(13:27):
I can't remember if I slept thatnight, but after a few hours of
that initial shock I veryquickly moved on to denial.
There was no way this couldhappen to me.
Maybe someone accidentally putmy papers in the wrong stack in
the office?
Maybe because of that papermix-up, communication had gone
(13:51):
on so long from the facility'steam to my doctor's team and the
truth just got lost in theshuffle.
No, this couldn't be right.
I've lived 32 years of beingcompletely healthy.
There is absolutely no historyof cancer on either side of my
family, my mothers or my fathers.
There had to be some sort ofawful mistake.
(14:16):
I held on to that hope and Iheld on to that hope for a long
time, well into my firsttreatments for cancer.
It's a funny thing hope,particularly false hope and
depending on how much you feedit, there's the opportunity for
it to become dangerous, butthat's anything you feed too
much.
I would then go on to have lotsof appointments and meet a lot
(14:40):
of new doctors.
Things were expedited veryquickly because I was pregnant
and every time I was asked whoin my family had cancer if it
was my mother's side, if it wasmy father's side I had to watch
the look of exasperation orsurprise cross so many people's
faces.
It started to feel like therewas no way that this could be
(15:03):
real.
So I moved back to BaltimoreWithin how long was it?
I don't think it was even amonth, but I had to go by myself
.
Kevin stayed back and packed upour entire condo and moved by
himself up here.
I slept every night in theguest room at my dad's house,
(15:25):
the house I grew up in.
Every week my belly got alittle bit bigger and although I
was around family, I never feltso alone.
I wanted Kevin beside me morethan anything.
How can I be pregnant with ourchild by myself?
I had surgery done, which wasthe port insulation which, by
(15:48):
the way, is just as awful as itsounds.
It's a metal port that isinstalled into your chest with
some tubing, and that port isused to be plugged into machines
to receive your cancertreatment.
I remember now Kevin made itjust in time for that they
(16:10):
literally did that surgery andthen wheeled me up to get my
very first chemo treatment.
I was told that I was going tohave some sort of twilight
anesthesia for that surgery andas I was being wheeled into the
OR, they told me oh actually, no, we're not going to give you
any type of anesthesia, we'rejust going to give you Benadryl.
I remember laying on that tableand they had my lower half all
(16:34):
tented up where they wereperforming the procedure.
I could only look through thisvery small crack in the tenting
on the side.
I remember this nurse.
She would bend down and lookthrough that tiny crack every
now and again, ask me if I wasokay.
At one point I was crying somuch that my tears were going up
(16:58):
into my hair line across myforehead.
I just remember locking eyeswith her and saying this sucks.
As we go through these stages ofgrief, and particularly this
one, the shock and the denial ofit all.
Something's not lost on me, nomatter what you're grieving, no
(17:23):
matter what you've lost, thatshock is not an easy thing to
digest.
The denial is placed there asalmost a life raft, something to
help you cope.
I think I really needed helpcoping because, as foreign as
(17:50):
all of this was to me, again Ifeel like a broken record here,
but the feeling of isolation isindescribable.
Now, something that does makemy case particularly different
and particularly compelling isthat I was pregnant and speaking
(18:16):
about support and coping thatlittle boy in my belly.
Through all of this, throughthose initial moments and long
stages of shock and denial, whenI felt like the world was
closing in on me and I didn'tknow how I was going to do it.
(18:40):
I would feel his thumping in mybelly and now, in retrospect, I
really find that he wasreassuring me, that he was okay,
that I could focus on myselfand trying to get myself better.
(19:02):
I know that nobody truly doesanything alone, but to have
somebody, somebody growinginside of you to remind you
every day that they're stillthere, it was truly a bond that
(19:26):
I don't think I can quiteverbalize.
Thinking about all of this andhearing myself even talk about
this now, it's like, oh my god,there's six more, there's more
from here.
But there is right, this was aheavy journey.
(19:50):
It's not easy.
I think we're going to talkabout this a lot later, but
there will be an onslaught ofopinions and advice that people
(20:11):
will try to give you and I thinkit does come from someplace.
Good right, sometimes whenpeople try to empathize with one
another, they just relate backto the only experience that they
see as similar.
(20:32):
But it's not.
Unless you were pregnant anddiagnosed with breast cancer,
your experience is not the sameand, to be quite frank, you have
no right to tell me how Ishould be handling the situation
.
(20:54):
So, with that said, the denialstage was a hopeful stage for me
.
It gave me strength, which isfunny to say that now aloud but
it allowed me to hope that therewas some mixup, that it was
(21:22):
wrong, that going througheverything that I did was
somebody's fault that I couldpoint to and say that's why it
was wrong, instead of because Iwas born like this.
(21:42):
I don't think anybody wouldever have a positive reaction to
learn that they've beendiagnosed with cancer.
But I think being young andpregnant made it particularly
hard and, you know, I think it'simportant for me to remember
(22:05):
now in retrospect that there areother people that have done
this, that it's not just me, andhaving that comfort really,
really helped me.
I actually was connected by mynurse navigator to a woman who
was also diagnosed with breastcancer while she was pregnant.
(22:27):
That was the most validatingand normalizing thing.
I think that could havehappened to me Because, again, I
was so terrified and all ofthis was so foreign.
It helped leaps and bounds.
So, in summation, when you wantto talk about shock and denial,
(22:51):
reading through all seven stagesof grief, I think this was the
one that I identified with themost because it was the most
prevalent.
It was the one that really hitvery close to home because the
shock of it there was no home.
(23:11):
Right In this process.
Now I've talked to a lot ofwomen who have either gone
through this or fear goingthrough this because breast
cancer runs in their family, andthat was just never my reality.
I never thought that one day Iwould be sitting across from the
doctor and they'd be like youhave breast cancer.
It just wasn't ever anythingthat existed in my reality.
(23:36):
I never even heard the wordsbreast cancer in a doctor's
office or within my own family,so it became very, very strange.
I can share that.
Later on I would go to find out.
My oncologist surgeon sharedwith me that after all of the
genetic testing that they did,after all the surgeries that
(23:56):
they performed, that I had a0.8% chance of developing breast
cancer in my lifetime 0.8%.
You want to talk about paranoiawith any type of statistics now
, anytime someone's like, ohwell, you only have a 15% chance
(24:17):
of that happening in my brain,I'm going oh, that's definitely
going to happen.
Now, it's insane, it's very,very weird and I think hearing
that 100% helped validate thatdenial, if that makes sense.
It validated the fact that Iwasn't denial for so long,
(24:43):
holding on to that hope thatthere had been some crazy mix up
because the chance was so small.
All of that to say.
If you identify as a woman andyou're even in your 30s, I
really recommend just checkingthings out when you're taking a
(25:04):
bath, when you're in the shower.
Please Google how to giveyourself an at home breast exam.
It's pretty straightforward andeasy.
You just kind of feel yourselfup for a second.
That's me making light of thesituation, but it's truly.
I mean, it's easy and it'simportant, because I don't know
(25:26):
if it's a federal law butdoctors don't have to ask for
mammograms until you're 40.
And this is very unfortunate.
I think it's a problem.
There's a lot of women thatI've met under 40 that have been
diagnosed with breast cancer,and how would they have known?
Because we're not supposed tobe doing the testing.
(25:50):
Please pay attention to your ownbody.
You know your body better thananybody else and you know when
something's wrong.
If something feels off, speakup and say something.
If your doctor makes light ofit or brushes you off, please
advocate for yourself.
It is so important to ensuringyour health and ensuring your
(26:15):
survival.
So, with that said, I reallywant to reiterate again if there
are any listeners who arefacing anything remotely similar
to what I have been through,please know that you are strong,
You're graceful, you're sobeautiful Even when you don't
(26:40):
feel like it.
Even when you look in themirror you feel like a monster
or you don't recognize theperson staring back at you.
You are so capable of fightingthrough this and so much more
from here.
If I can do this.
You can absolutely do this.
Something to note.
We are not healthcare providersor professionals.
We are, however, two people whohave lived through a monumental
medical event and find comfortin sharing what worked for us
two others.
These are our experiences andare no way meant to treat or
diagnose the general public.
Always listen to your body andalways listen to your doctors
(00:22):
for guidance.
Alright, let's get into it.
I'm Caitlin Rouse and I'm KevinAdams.
We are Going Through it.
Hello podcast listeners, I'mCaitlin Rouse and he's Kevin
(00:48):
Adams.
Welcome to Going Through it.
This is a podcast dedicated tounpacking how we are both
navigating a very chaotic yeartogether.
We are talking about cancerdiagnosis, wild pregnant cancer
treatments, surgeries and newparenthood.
Welcome back.
Thank you so much for stickingaround for our very first
(01:10):
official episode.
Recording our intro was verytherapeutic and somewhat
cathartic for us.
I hope that you got as much outof it as we put into it.
This week and for the upcomingseveral weeks, we are going to
be focusing on unpacking theseven stages of grief.
What fun, no, but in allseriousness, this experience was
(01:35):
monumentally traumatizing.
There's a lot to grieve myhealth, my future, my life and
its entirety All of that wastorn away from me.
There were a lot of momentswhere I felt like I was
shipwrecked at sea.
I was treading water withabsolutely nothing to hold on to
(01:57):
.
On the particularly harder days, the water would swell or would
be extraordinarily choppy andit would close up all around me.
I'd try to come up for a breath, but I would choke on the waves
every time.
It was rough.
When I talked to friends orfamily saying it was hard, it
(02:18):
doesn't really seem toadequately cover it, not by a
long shot.
So as we dissect these stagesof grief, we'll be honing in on
what each one was like for me,because no two people's
experiences are the same.
That's a great segue to my nextpoint.
This is my experience.
(02:40):
Throughout this podcast.
I'm going to be deep, divinginto what my personal, emotional
and mental experience was withfighting through cancer.
This does not mean that it'syours, your brothers, your
mothers or your neighbors.
Cancer is vicious.
It is earth-shattering, nomatter your age, your race, your
(03:00):
gender identity, orientation,religious background, etc.
Etc.
And it affects everyone andeveryone's family differently.
Keeping this in mind, please bekind and give a lot of grace to
yourself or to whoever you knowthat has been affected by this.
Alright, unofficial PSA over.
(03:24):
Let's really dive into this.
Betterhelpcom states that quoteknowing what to expect during
each stage of grief can help youunderstand the emotional
changes that occur following anyloss.
There are, in fact, sevenstages.
Some outlets and platforms sayfive, but reading through all
(03:46):
seven I saw listed, I found Iidentified with those seven
stages.
So, for a sake of argument,that's the list I'm going to be
referring to during this episodeand over the course of all
upcoming episodes.
Those seven stages are asfollows One shock and denial.
(04:06):
Two pain and guilt.
Three anger and bargaining.
Four depression.
Five upward turn.
Six reconstruction and recovery.
Seven acceptance.
If I'm really being honest here, I wish I would have gone
through this list while I was inthe thick of it to really
validate myself that theemotions I was experiencing was
(04:28):
part of the natural grievingprocess.
I didn't, but you know that'sfine, because now I'm here I'm
able to break it down after thefact, which is really optimal,
because even living to an afterthe fact I'm really grateful for
, and that's the best gift ofall.
Today we're unpacking stage one, shock and denial.
(04:52):
And what a true shock it was.
I want you, as a listener, topicture this.
You're a 32 year old lady.
Finally, for the first time inyour life you're financially
secure.
You've worked really hard toget here and you've had the
privilege of doing sometraveling and had some
(05:13):
experiences that you wouldn'ttrade for the world.
But you're still relativelyyoung and there's still more
that you want to see and morethat you want to do.
Then you find out you'repregnant.
Your head spins because younever saw this, not even when
you were small.
As a side note, I legit dreadedmy plastic Barbie dream house
(05:35):
to my younger sister because Iwanted to clear out a cabinet so
my Barbie could live in anapartment.
I was nine.
I was really focused on my owngrowth, personally and
professionally at this point inmy life.
Speaking of, I had worked hardafter years of doing makeup
professionally for retail, thenstage, then fashion, then film,
(05:58):
then celebrity, to switch to thecorporate side of beauty.
I really enjoyed the feeling ofmaking an impact on a team.
But anyway I digress At thispoint I've decided that I'm
going to choose to have thischild.
I'm six months into a pregnancyI never thought would happen and
only to have been strugglingwith a lot of pain in my left
(06:22):
breast.
It felt like a knot, almostlike when you have a muscle knot
in your back.
I spoke to my OB several timesabout this.
The first two times she told mequote everything swells when
you're pregnant.
Try a heat pad on your breastfor relief.
End quote.
I tried.
(06:43):
Nothing helped.
It actually got worse and asthe weeks came and went, the
knot became larger and the painbecame constant.
I mentioned it again, I wasagain told everything swells.
And then this is not a joke,I'm totally serious.
This is what she told me.
(07:04):
Quote cancer doesn't hurt, sothere's no need to get stressed
about that.
End quote.
It's at this point that Ibasically begged her to help and
she wrote me a referral to geta breast ultrasound done.
A week later I went for theultrasound.
(07:24):
When the tech completed theultrasound, they told me okay,
the doctor is going to reviewthe results and then I'll come
back in to talk with you.
Okay, sounds good.
I said, and I remember sittingin this really small room
staring at a clock on the wall.
It was ticking really loud andI left my phone in a closet
(07:47):
outside the room because theyasked you, when you stripped
down, to leave your belongingsoutside.
I watched and listened to theticking for five minutes, but
then the five minutes turned to10 and then to 15.
I was starting to get kind ofnervous.
I didn't think anything wassuper serious, remember.
(08:10):
I was very eloquently assured bymy doctor, but as the time
ticked away I started to becomea little paranoid.
Had something truly gone wrong?
Did I not take enough vitaminswhile carrying my son?
Maybe the odd glass of wineevery now and again truly was
damaging.
Maybe not even to my son, butto me.
(08:32):
Maybe it was just their machineor their computer.
Maybe there was some error, orthe tech hadn't had our lunch
yet and she had taken theopportunity to slip a few bites
in of a sandwich.
While I waited, as I'm thinkingthis, the door opened and a
woman I hadn't met before camein, followed by the tech.
(08:54):
This is the doctor.
The tech introduced me Nice tomeet you.
I said we're seeing somethingthat's a cause for concern on
your ultrasound.
The mass itself does notconsist of matter of fact points
.
When a mass is well constructed, that's typically something we
(09:14):
see in a benign mass.
This is not.
Your mass is larger than wetypically see and the edges are
not well defined.
We're also seeing evidence of alymph node under your arm
that's enlarged.
This can sometimes be anindicator that something is a
miss.
I strongly recommend you get abiopsy today.
Oh, today, like here at thisfacility.
(09:39):
I said yes.
She responded oh, okay, whattime?
What time?
My thoughts are racing.
I'm thinking I stepped away fromwork to accommodate this
appointment.
I was supposed to be backonline within the hour.
Well, we could do it in aboutan hour.
The doctor said oh, okay,listeners, I was terrified.
(10:06):
I've never had any type ofsurgery or invasive procedure.
I barely ever even had anythingmore than a blood test and a
pap smear.
I've never been medicated,except for a small prescription
of Xanax for anxiety.
I've always taken amultivitamin, and that's it.
What did this all mean?
(10:27):
What was going on?
I went down to the car whereKevin's waiting for me and I
tell him this Okay, you want toget some food?
Before I called my boss and Ilet her know I was going to be
longer and why.
I tried not to cry on the phonewith her and as I stifled a
particularly rogue sob, she saidlisten, caitlin, this is your
(10:49):
health.
This is non-negotiable, nomatter what happens today and
beyond.
We will figure this out Onestep at a time, and we will
figure this out.
She is no longer my boss, butthat was by far the best thing I
could have ever heard at thetime.
So matter of fact, and so kindand supportive.
(11:13):
We drove back to the facility.
I did the biopsy.
Turns out they could only usesome local low-grade anesthesia
because I was pregnant.
I was told to lay on the table,remove my clothes from the
waist up, and I stared at theceiling and cried for the
entirety of the procedure.
I remember on the ceiling therewas one ceiling tile that was
(11:39):
painted to look like a beach,and I remember staring at the
palm tree and this paintedsunset and just wishing, hoping
that that's where I was.
The women in that room with mewere so kind and so comforting.
I remember feeling so ashamedand embarrassed, but I was so
(12:00):
fucking scared.
What did this mean for me?
What did this mean for my son?
What if this was bad?
I don't think I slept thatnight.
A week later, on June 20th 2022,my OB called and she confirmed
the worst.
(12:21):
She told me that I had breastcancer.
Do you know, when you watchmovies and the character
suddenly realizes some majorplot twist, and in that moment
the frame and the audio slowsdown and everything becomes low
(12:42):
and stretches out.
Visuals stretch out, almosttunneling On one point.
That's what it felt like as Isat in my kitchen.
That was the shock.
My OB hung up on me while I wasin the middle of asking her a
question.
After delivering this news, sheeventually called me back and
(13:04):
apologized.
Now I can't imagine what it'slike to have to deliver news
like that to someone, andperhaps she felt a lot of guilt,
given she made no effort tolisten to me or my concerns in
the beginning stages of this.
But man, was she the absoluteworst in this process?
(13:27):
I can't remember if I slept thatnight, but after a few hours of
that initial shock I veryquickly moved on to denial.
There was no way this couldhappen to me.
Maybe someone accidentally putmy papers in the wrong stack in
the office?
Maybe because of that papermix-up, communication had gone
(13:51):
on so long from the facility'steam to my doctor's team and the
truth just got lost in theshuffle.
No, this couldn't be right.
I've lived 32 years of beingcompletely healthy.
There is absolutely no historyof cancer on either side of my
family, my mothers or my fathers.
There had to be some sort ofawful mistake.
(14:16):
I held on to that hope and Iheld on to that hope for a long
time, well into my firsttreatments for cancer.
It's a funny thing hope,particularly false hope and
depending on how much you feedit, there's the opportunity for
it to become dangerous, butthat's anything you feed too
much.
I would then go on to have lotsof appointments and meet a lot
(14:40):
of new doctors.
Things were expedited veryquickly because I was pregnant
and every time I was asked whoin my family had cancer if it
was my mother's side, if it wasmy father's side I had to watch
the look of exasperation orsurprise cross so many people's
faces.
It started to feel like therewas no way that this could be
(15:03):
real.
So I moved back to BaltimoreWithin how long was it?
I don't think it was even amonth, but I had to go by myself
.
Kevin stayed back and packed upour entire condo and moved by
himself up here.
I slept every night in theguest room at my dad's house,
(15:25):
the house I grew up in.
Every week my belly got alittle bit bigger and although I
was around family, I never feltso alone.
I wanted Kevin beside me morethan anything.
How can I be pregnant with ourchild by myself?
I had surgery done, which wasthe port insulation which, by
(15:48):
the way, is just as awful as itsounds.
It's a metal port that isinstalled into your chest with
some tubing, and that port isused to be plugged into machines
to receive your cancertreatment.
I remember now Kevin made itjust in time for that they
(16:10):
literally did that surgery andthen wheeled me up to get my
very first chemo treatment.
I was told that I was going tohave some sort of twilight
anesthesia for that surgery andas I was being wheeled into the
OR, they told me oh actually, no, we're not going to give you
any type of anesthesia, we'rejust going to give you Benadryl.
I remember laying on that tableand they had my lower half all
(16:34):
tented up where they wereperforming the procedure.
I could only look through thisvery small crack in the tenting
on the side.
I remember this nurse.
She would bend down and lookthrough that tiny crack every
now and again, ask me if I wasokay.
At one point I was crying somuch that my tears were going up
(16:58):
into my hair line across myforehead.
I just remember locking eyeswith her and saying this sucks.
As we go through these stages ofgrief, and particularly this
one, the shock and the denial ofit all.
Something's not lost on me, nomatter what you're grieving, no
(17:23):
matter what you've lost, thatshock is not an easy thing to
digest.
The denial is placed there asalmost a life raft, something to
help you cope.
I think I really needed helpcoping because, as foreign as
(17:50):
all of this was to me, again Ifeel like a broken record here,
but the feeling of isolation isindescribable.
Now, something that does makemy case particularly different
and particularly compelling isthat I was pregnant and speaking
(18:16):
about support and coping thatlittle boy in my belly.
Through all of this, throughthose initial moments and long
stages of shock and denial, whenI felt like the world was
closing in on me and I didn'tknow how I was going to do it.
(18:40):
I would feel his thumping in mybelly and now, in retrospect, I
really find that he wasreassuring me, that he was okay,
that I could focus on myselfand trying to get myself better.
(19:02):
I know that nobody truly doesanything alone, but to have
somebody, somebody growinginside of you to remind you
every day that they're stillthere, it was truly a bond that
(19:26):
I don't think I can quiteverbalize.
Thinking about all of this andhearing myself even talk about
this now, it's like, oh my god,there's six more, there's more
from here.
But there is right, this was aheavy journey.
(19:50):
It's not easy.
I think we're going to talkabout this a lot later, but
there will be an onslaught ofopinions and advice that people
(20:11):
will try to give you and I thinkit does come from someplace.
Good right, sometimes whenpeople try to empathize with one
another, they just relate backto the only experience that they
see as similar.
(20:32):
But it's not.
Unless you were pregnant anddiagnosed with breast cancer,
your experience is not the sameand, to be quite frank, you have
no right to tell me how Ishould be handling the situation
.
(20:54):
So, with that said, the denialstage was a hopeful stage for me
.
It gave me strength, which isfunny to say that now aloud but
it allowed me to hope that therewas some mixup, that it was
(21:22):
wrong, that going througheverything that I did was
somebody's fault that I couldpoint to and say that's why it
was wrong, instead of because Iwas born like this.
(21:42):
I don't think anybody wouldever have a positive reaction to
learn that they've beendiagnosed with cancer.
But I think being young andpregnant made it particularly
hard and, you know, I think it'simportant for me to remember
(22:05):
now in retrospect that there areother people that have done
this, that it's not just me, andhaving that comfort really,
really helped me.
I actually was connected by mynurse navigator to a woman who
was also diagnosed with breastcancer while she was pregnant.
(22:27):
That was the most validatingand normalizing thing.
I think that could havehappened to me Because, again, I
was so terrified and all ofthis was so foreign.
It helped leaps and bounds.
So, in summation, when you wantto talk about shock and denial,
(22:51):
reading through all seven stagesof grief, I think this was the
one that I identified with themost because it was the most
prevalent.
It was the one that really hitvery close to home because the
shock of it there was no home.
(23:11):
Right In this process.
Now I've talked to a lot ofwomen who have either gone
through this or fear goingthrough this because breast
cancer runs in their family, andthat was just never my reality.
I never thought that one day Iwould be sitting across from the
doctor and they'd be like youhave breast cancer.
It just wasn't ever anythingthat existed in my reality.
(23:36):
I never even heard the wordsbreast cancer in a doctor's
office or within my own family,so it became very, very strange.
I can share that.
Later on I would go to find out.
My oncologist surgeon sharedwith me that after all of the
genetic testing that they did,after all the surgeries that
(23:56):
they performed, that I had a0.8% chance of developing breast
cancer in my lifetime 0.8%.
You want to talk about paranoiawith any type of statistics now
, anytime someone's like, ohwell, you only have a 15% chance
(24:17):
of that happening in my brain,I'm going oh, that's definitely
going to happen.
Now, it's insane, it's very,very weird and I think hearing
that 100% helped validate thatdenial, if that makes sense.
It validated the fact that Iwasn't denial for so long,
(24:43):
holding on to that hope thatthere had been some crazy mix up
because the chance was so small.
All of that to say.
If you identify as a woman andyou're even in your 30s, I
really recommend just checkingthings out when you're taking a
(25:04):
bath, when you're in the shower.
Please Google how to giveyourself an at home breast exam.
It's pretty straightforward andeasy.
You just kind of feel yourselfup for a second.
That's me making light of thesituation, but it's truly.
I mean, it's easy and it'simportant, because I don't know
(25:26):
if it's a federal law butdoctors don't have to ask for
mammograms until you're 40.
And this is very unfortunate.
I think it's a problem.
There's a lot of women thatI've met under 40 that have been
diagnosed with breast cancer,and how would they have known?
Because we're not supposed tobe doing the testing.
(25:50):
Please pay attention to your ownbody.
You know your body better thananybody else and you know when
something's wrong.
If something feels off, speakup and say something.
If your doctor makes light ofit or brushes you off, please
advocate for yourself.
It is so important to ensuringyour health and ensuring your
(26:15):
survival.
So, with that said, I reallywant to reiterate again if there
are any listeners who arefacing anything remotely similar
to what I have been through,please know that you are strong,
You're graceful, you're sobeautiful Even when you don't
(26:40):
feel like it.
Even when you look in themirror you feel like a monster
or you don't recognize theperson staring back at you.
You are so capable of fightingthrough this and so much more
from here.
If I can do this.
You can absolutely do this.
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