December 8, 2023 • 18 mins
As we navigate through the murky waters of depression, we open up about our personal encounters with this mental health struggle. This episode takes a candid look at depression, particularly how it has haunted us during the most life-changing moments - battling cancer and the birth of a child. We pull back the curtains on postpartum depression and its potential progression to postpartum psychosis, underscoring how these experiences can ripple out to affect fathers and partners too. We delve into the isolation and uncertainty that can ensue, and the crucial significance of embracing every day as it comes and rejoicing in small victories.
Shifting our gaze from the shadows, we embark on a journey to discover the resilience and strength crucial to confront life's grueling challenges. In this deep dive, we underline the power of recognizing our inherent beauty and capabilities, even in the face of despair. Drawing from our personal battles with depression and grief, we share the coping mechanisms that have been our lifelines. We emphasize the value of choosing love, sharing our struggles, and standing in solidarity with those undergoing similar experiences. At the heart of this conversation is the hope that these narratives will light the path for someone navigating through similar dark tunnels. So, tune in and join us in this exploration of life’s most challenging moments. Make sure to subscribe and share your thoughts on the podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caitlin (00:02):
A warning this episode features a brief discussion of
suicidal ideation.
Please consider this whenaccounting for how and when
you'll listen.
I'm Caitlin Rouse and I'm KevinAdams and we're going through
it.
Hello podcast listeners.
(00:29):
I'm Caitlin Rouse and he isKevin Adams.
Welcome back to Going Throughit.
This is a podcast dedicated tohow we both are navigating a
very chaotic year together.
We are talking about cancerdiagnosis, cancer treatments,
surgeries and now new parenthood.
Come back, welcome back.
(00:52):
This week we are talking aboutdepression.
As you probably heard on thetop of this episode, this is
already going to be a heavy one.
The depression stage for me wasvery real and very raw.
Choosingtherapycom definesdepression as quote depression
(01:17):
stems from internalized orrepressed anger.
In this stage, it occurs whentime has passed for the
ramifications of a significantloss to become clear.
This stage can manifest asreduced concentration, inability
to sleep and sleeping too much.
You may have physical symptomslike headaches and body aches,
(01:39):
or digestive issues as well.
Feelings that may accompany thedepression stage of grief are
as follows Loneliness, sadness,emptiness, anhedonia, which is
the inability to feel any joyfrom anything, and, lastly,
self-pity.
So this one, this stage ofgrief, depression in general,
(02:08):
this was the toughest for me.
As you can imagine, I had ampleopportunity and circumstances
to retreat into some pretty darkspaces.
This did not occur for me untilLeo was born.
However, it happened veryquickly and very suddenly after
his birth.
So there's already postpartumdepression.
(02:31):
Right, this is a really realthing.
It's very common and affectsmore than 3 million women per
year.
The Mayo Clinic states thatpostpartum depression is not a
character flaw or a weakness.
Sometimes it's simply acomplication of giving birth.
If you have postpartumdepression, prompt treatment can
(02:54):
help you manage your symptomsand help you bond with your baby
.
Some symptoms of postpartumdepression include depressed
mood or severe mood swings,crying too much, difficulty
bonding with your baby,withdrawing from family and
friends, loss of appetite oreating much more than usual.
(03:15):
Inability to sleep, calledinsomnia, or then also sleeping
too much.
Overwhelming tiredness or lossof energy, less interest and
pleasure in activities you usedto enjoy.
Intense irritability or anger,fear that you're not a good
mother, hopelessness, feelingsof worthlessness, shame, guilt
(03:39):
or inadequacy, reduced inabilityto think clearly, concentrate
or make decisions, restlessness,severe anxiety and panic
attacks, thoughts of harmingyourself or your baby,
reoccurring thoughts of death orsuicide.
Along with postpartum depressionafter childbirth, there also
(04:01):
exists a possibility ofdeveloping postpartum psychosis.
The symptoms here are moreextreme and tend to develop very
shortly, a week after birth tobe precise.
These symptoms include feelingconfused and lost, having
obsessive thoughts about yourbaby, hallucinating and having
(04:22):
delusions, having sleep problems, having too much energy and
feeling upset, feeling paranoid,making actual attempts to harm
yourself or your baby.
Studies have also shown thatnew fathers or partners can also
experience postpartumdepression.
They may feel sad, tired,overwhelmed, anxious or have
(04:46):
changes in their usual eatingand sleeping patterns.
Postpartum depression infathers or partners, sometimes
called paternal postpartumdepression, can have the same
negative effect on partnerrelationships and child
development as postpartumdepression in mothers can.
So we're already susceptible topotentially developing some
(05:09):
real depression just in the wayof having a child, pile on
cancer treatments, watching theslow deterioration of my body
surgeries and side effects ofsaid treatments and surgeries.
Now being on the other side, Ifeel like a mental gold medal
(05:29):
Olympian.
I want to talk more aboutsomething I said at the top of
the show that my depressiondidn't hit or sink in until Leo
was born.
That could very well be becauseof postpartum depression, but I
think for me it was how I hadbeen mentally managing my
(05:50):
experiences and my ongoing grief.
I thought up until Leo was born.
I really allowed myself to takeit one day at a time To
celebrate my small wins, smallvictories.
It didn't matter if I didn't doanything all day and all I did
(06:13):
was unload the dishwasher.
That's a victory because it'snot nothing, and this day to day
outlook worked really well longterm for me.
But whoa, if there isn'tsomething about a newborn baby,
they just immediately rocket youinto the future.
(06:37):
I would sit and hold my baby son, look at his little face, count
his little toes, account foreach and every fingernail and
find myself musing about hisfuture.
Who will he grow into?
What interests will he have?
I wonder what hobbies he'll beinto.
(06:57):
I can't wait to love him forevery single one.
I can't wait to wait.
Hold on a moment.
Aren't I in the middle of alife-threatening disease?
Is this about to get a wholelot worse?
Hold on.
(07:18):
What if I don't make it?
Is that a possibility?
Could I really not be alive atthe end of all of this?
What if I do miss the person hegrows into?
What if I never see who hebecomes?
What if he grows up without amom, without knowing his mom,
(07:44):
without me and his life at all.
Could I not wake up tomorrowand never see Kevin again, or my
sister?
How can this even be realthoughts that I'm sifting
through.
I want to live.
I don't want to die.
Could I die?
It was at this point I reallystarted to comprehend what I was
(08:06):
up against.
It had not become clear to meuntil that moment, until I was
holding my little baby Leo, thatI realized phrases like
survival rate and likelihood ofmortality were directly
correlated to my situation.
As I begin coming to theserealizations, with each new
(08:27):
thought or question, I start tofeel the ground chip away around
me a little more, each onecutting deeper than the last.
After a couple days of this, Istarted to feel like an island.
The earth had been completelychipped away from all around me
and I was just adrift,completely isolated, floating
(08:48):
away from my family.
There's something impenetrableabout the feeling of isolation.
How could anybody else evenpossibly begin to understand how
I felt?
As this depression sunk in, Ireally started to become sad and
then angry.
Angry and then sad.
I'd move through hospitalappointments, and it's at this
(09:13):
point.
I'm at the hospital three tofive days a week, even, from
reception, nurse assistance tojust people on the street I see
I start to become frustratedwith.
Look at how lucky they are,able to sit at a desk and text
who knows who, thinking theirproblems are large.
(09:33):
My life is on the line andthey're healthy, relatively
happy, able to go on about theirday.
And it's also at this point thatI really start to look sick.
I've lost all my eyelashes andmy brow hair.
Every last hair on my head.
I've developed what myoncologist called a chemo rash.
(09:56):
It covers the top of my baldhead, down my face, neck and
chest.
The rash is bright, red andpink, mimicking rosacea.
On top of that bright, red andpink rash are large pus shawls
as well as deep, painful bumps.
Watching my face feels soforeign, like a combination of
(10:22):
bubble wrap and a popcornceiling.
As someone who worked within thebeauty industry for close to 15
years, let alone just any humanin general, it was nauseating
to look at myself.
I don't know her.
The same trader.
Joe's bags I cut up to put onthe floor.
(10:44):
As I shaved my head, I tapedthem over my bathroom mirrors.
I can't stand to look at my ownreflection.
I look like a monster.
I hate that.
This is the face that mynewborn baby looks into.
It must be so terrifying.
I start to think this mightactually be it.
(11:04):
I start to think it's actuallya good thing that I did have a
child, because my son looks somuch like me.
I wish I did more with my time.
I wish I left more of an impacton this earth.
I'm so mad at myself forthinking oh, I'll do that later
or I'll pursue that in a coupleof years At least my family and
(11:27):
loved ones will have my son tolook at and remember me by.
Why wait for a long, drawn out,excruciating or agonizing death?
Watching my body decay in slowmotion felt like a horrible way
to go.
Should I just take charge ofthings now?
I could make it easier.
(11:49):
It's at this point I realizeI'm not well.
Of course my body is physicallybreaking down and deteriorating
, but mentally I am not okay.
The feelings of isolation areguttural.
I weep into my hands in theshower, into my pillows at night
(12:09):
, loud, painful sobs that soundbroken down and shake my whole
body.
I'm dying and I've never feltso alone.
My mother has been depressed formost of my life.
My parents divorced when I was14 and instead of a physical
(12:29):
deterioration.
I had to watch on as my mothermentally and emotionally
deteriorated into someone I didnot recognize.
Because of this and the impactit had on me when I was in my
most formative years into myadult life, I became
hypervill—because of this impactit had on me.
(12:50):
When I was in my most formativeyears Into my young adult life,
I became hyperv—I becamehyperv—oh my god vigilant Into
my young adult life.
I became hypervigilant.
Into my young adult life.
I became hypervigilant on mymental health, seeing many
(13:15):
different therapists on and offthroughout the years, never
truly finding the right fit.
Before moving I had foundsomeone great, a great fit for
me, but she was pretty muchbooked solid and my insurance
didn't cover all of the fees.
The hospital actually has asocial worker for oncology
(13:37):
patients and my nurse navigatorhad been helpful with getting me
in touch with her in the past.
The moment I feel my thoughtsdrift, even at the loudest
points.
They're still at a whisper, butthat whisper is saying to no
longer be here.
I know I need to talk tosomeone.
I call my nurse navigator andshe puts me back in touch with
(14:00):
the social worker.
They also get me in touch withthe psychiatric liaison nurse
who specializes in oncology, toevaluate me.
After a few talks during mytreatment, she determines I
don't quite fit the bill forSSRIs.
Ssris are widely used and are atype of anti-depressant
medication.
They're mainly prescribed totreat depression particularly
(14:24):
persistent or in severe cases.
However, I think we both knewmy condition was not permanent.
I just was incrediblyoverwhelmed by the prospect of
fighting for my life.
I'd like to cite something Iread from the Stanford Center of
Integrative Medicine.
Stanfordedu writes many cancerpatients go through episodes of
(14:48):
depression.
Depression makes your entireexperience with cancer more
difficult.
We can show resilience and mayhamper your overall adjustment.
It also can undermine your willto live and compromise the
courage, fortitude anddetermination that you need to
face cancer and endure thenecessary medical treatments.
Depression is the exactopposite of what you need Energy
(15:13):
and stamina, a vision of abrighter future, hope that
inspires and sustains you, andthe motivation and commitment to
travel through the arduous roadof cancer therapy.
Cancer confronts us with ourmortality and all the fears and
losses associated with it.
It can turn your world upsidedown, disrupting your life and
(15:35):
threatening the roles, purposesand goals that give you meaning
and satisfaction.
Depression is therefore aserious threat to anyone dealing
with cancer.
Looking back now, I have no cluehow I did it.
When I dig deep inside myself,I pulled something out of what
(16:00):
felt like less than nothing.
I'm being really honest,listeners, I'm still in it.
Cancer seeps its ugliness intoevery facet of your life my
aspirations, my goals, myhappiness, my resilience, work
life, home life, mental andemotional health, financial
(16:22):
health, especially living in theUS that last one, financial
health, more to unpack there onanother day.
Now, when I think about ciderslooking in on our life and my
life, and I think the generalfeeling is I survived, I'm on
the upswing.
It's only better from here.
(16:44):
The reality is that I'm startingover from less than nothing.
Cancer bled me dry of all ofour resources, all of our
financial stability, my healthassurances, my sex life, my
family life, my generalwell-being.
We are having to rebuild,starting with bare-bone basic
(17:07):
tools.
In a way, I almost feel likeI'm 17 again, trying to strike
out on my own, except this timeI'm starting out in a ton of
medical debt and with a baby.
It's exhausting most days andit's really hard.
I would be lying if I said Istill don't get depressed.
(17:29):
This part is horrible, but I amalive.
I can't believe it.
I survived.
I get to hug my son.
I have a son.
I delivered him while I was inactive treatment for cancer.
I couldn't nurse him because Ihad a bilateral mastectomy.
(17:51):
I had my entire chest rippedout and then rebuilt.
I had to understand that nipplesparing said sparing, because
that's exactly what they weredoing sparing my nipples.
I've lost so much of myself, mybody and my mind to this.
Most of that I will never getback.
(18:13):
Watching the sun rise or set,hearing my son laugh, feeling
the wind dance across my face,my neck, my legs, just breathing
.
Every day I'm more thankfulthan the last.
Even on the hard days, there ismore to my story and I get to
(18:34):
control it.
It's so much harder now, butbeing alive grants me some sort
of control.
I am here and I can hear, smell, touch and taste.
I can laugh, I can live.
To my dear, dear listeners whoare facing anything remotely
(18:56):
similar to what I have, pleaseknow that you are strong, you're
graceful, you're beautiful,even when you don't feel like it
, even when you look in thatmirror and you don't recognize a
person staring back at you.
You are capable of fighting inso much more.
If I can do this, you canabsolutely do this.
(19:21):
You are light and you are love.
We always choose love here.
Thank you so much for listeningto Going Through it.
We'll be back the week afternext week To unpack another
stage of grief.
If you've come across thispodcast and know someone else
that could benefit from ourexperiences, please share with
them.
If you'd also like to followour journey even more, subscribe
(19:46):
to our mailing list atwearegoingthroughitcom.
You can find us on Spotify,apple Podcasts, amazon Music or
wherever it is you listen topodcasts.
While you're there, pleaseleave us your feedback with a
comment and give us a five-starreview.
It really works.
We'll see you next Friday.
A warning this episode features a brief discussion of
suicidal ideation.
Please consider this whenaccounting for how and when
you'll listen.
I'm Caitlin Rouse and I'm KevinAdams and we're going through
it.
Hello podcast listeners.
(00:29):
I'm Caitlin Rouse and he isKevin Adams.
Welcome back to Going Throughit.
This is a podcast dedicated tohow we both are navigating a
very chaotic year together.
We are talking about cancerdiagnosis, cancer treatments,
surgeries and now new parenthood.
Come back, welcome back.
(00:52):
This week we are talking aboutdepression.
As you probably heard on thetop of this episode, this is
already going to be a heavy one.
The depression stage for me wasvery real and very raw.
Choosingtherapycom definesdepression as quote depression
(01:17):
stems from internalized orrepressed anger.
In this stage, it occurs whentime has passed for the
ramifications of a significantloss to become clear.
This stage can manifest asreduced concentration, inability
to sleep and sleeping too much.
You may have physical symptomslike headaches and body aches,
(01:39):
or digestive issues as well.
Feelings that may accompany thedepression stage of grief are
as follows Loneliness, sadness,emptiness, anhedonia, which is
the inability to feel any joyfrom anything, and, lastly,
self-pity.
So this one, this stage ofgrief, depression in general,
(02:08):
this was the toughest for me.
As you can imagine, I had ampleopportunity and circumstances
to retreat into some pretty darkspaces.
This did not occur for me untilLeo was born.
However, it happened veryquickly and very suddenly after
his birth.
So there's already postpartumdepression.
(02:31):
Right, this is a really realthing.
It's very common and affectsmore than 3 million women per
year.
The Mayo Clinic states thatpostpartum depression is not a
character flaw or a weakness.
Sometimes it's simply acomplication of giving birth.
If you have postpartumdepression, prompt treatment can
(02:54):
help you manage your symptomsand help you bond with your baby
.
Some symptoms of postpartumdepression include depressed
mood or severe mood swings,crying too much, difficulty
bonding with your baby,withdrawing from family and
friends, loss of appetite oreating much more than usual.
(03:15):
Inability to sleep, calledinsomnia, or then also sleeping
too much.
Overwhelming tiredness or lossof energy, less interest and
pleasure in activities you usedto enjoy.
Intense irritability or anger,fear that you're not a good
mother, hopelessness, feelingsof worthlessness, shame, guilt
(03:39):
or inadequacy, reduced inabilityto think clearly, concentrate
or make decisions, restlessness,severe anxiety and panic
attacks, thoughts of harmingyourself or your baby,
reoccurring thoughts of death orsuicide.
Along with postpartum depressionafter childbirth, there also
(04:01):
exists a possibility ofdeveloping postpartum psychosis.
The symptoms here are moreextreme and tend to develop very
shortly, a week after birth tobe precise.
These symptoms include feelingconfused and lost, having
obsessive thoughts about yourbaby, hallucinating and having
(04:22):
delusions, having sleep problems, having too much energy and
feeling upset, feeling paranoid,making actual attempts to harm
yourself or your baby.
Studies have also shown thatnew fathers or partners can also
experience postpartumdepression.
They may feel sad, tired,overwhelmed, anxious or have
(04:46):
changes in their usual eatingand sleeping patterns.
Postpartum depression infathers or partners, sometimes
called paternal postpartumdepression, can have the same
negative effect on partnerrelationships and child
development as postpartumdepression in mothers can.
So we're already susceptible topotentially developing some
(05:09):
real depression just in the wayof having a child, pile on
cancer treatments, watching theslow deterioration of my body
surgeries and side effects ofsaid treatments and surgeries.
Now being on the other side, Ifeel like a mental gold medal
(05:29):
Olympian.
I want to talk more aboutsomething I said at the top of
the show that my depressiondidn't hit or sink in until Leo
was born.
That could very well be becauseof postpartum depression, but I
think for me it was how I hadbeen mentally managing my
(05:50):
experiences and my ongoing grief.
I thought up until Leo was born.
I really allowed myself to takeit one day at a time To
celebrate my small wins, smallvictories.
It didn't matter if I didn't doanything all day and all I did
(06:13):
was unload the dishwasher.
That's a victory because it'snot nothing, and this day to day
outlook worked really well longterm for me.
But whoa, if there isn'tsomething about a newborn baby,
they just immediately rocket youinto the future.
(06:37):
I would sit and hold my baby son, look at his little face, count
his little toes, account foreach and every fingernail and
find myself musing about hisfuture.
Who will he grow into?
What interests will he have?
I wonder what hobbies he'll beinto.
(06:57):
I can't wait to love him forevery single one.
I can't wait to wait.
Hold on a moment.
Aren't I in the middle of alife-threatening disease?
Is this about to get a wholelot worse?
Hold on.
(07:18):
What if I don't make it?
Is that a possibility?
Could I really not be alive atthe end of all of this?
What if I do miss the person hegrows into?
What if I never see who hebecomes?
What if he grows up without amom, without knowing his mom,
(07:44):
without me and his life at all.
Could I not wake up tomorrowand never see Kevin again, or my
sister?
How can this even be realthoughts that I'm sifting
through.
I want to live.
I don't want to die.
Could I die?
It was at this point I reallystarted to comprehend what I was
(08:06):
up against.
It had not become clear to meuntil that moment, until I was
holding my little baby Leo, thatI realized phrases like
survival rate and likelihood ofmortality were directly
correlated to my situation.
As I begin coming to theserealizations, with each new
(08:27):
thought or question, I start tofeel the ground chip away around
me a little more, each onecutting deeper than the last.
After a couple days of this, Istarted to feel like an island.
The earth had been completelychipped away from all around me
and I was just adrift,completely isolated, floating
(08:48):
away from my family.
There's something impenetrableabout the feeling of isolation.
How could anybody else evenpossibly begin to understand how
I felt?
As this depression sunk in, Ireally started to become sad and
then angry.
Angry and then sad.
I'd move through hospitalappointments, and it's at this
(09:13):
point.
I'm at the hospital three tofive days a week, even, from
reception, nurse assistance tojust people on the street I see
I start to become frustratedwith.
Look at how lucky they are,able to sit at a desk and text
who knows who, thinking theirproblems are large.
(09:33):
My life is on the line andthey're healthy, relatively
happy, able to go on about theirday.
And it's also at this point thatI really start to look sick.
I've lost all my eyelashes andmy brow hair.
Every last hair on my head.
I've developed what myoncologist called a chemo rash.
(09:56):
It covers the top of my baldhead, down my face, neck and
chest.
The rash is bright, red andpink, mimicking rosacea.
On top of that bright, red andpink rash are large pus shawls
as well as deep, painful bumps.
Watching my face feels soforeign, like a combination of
(10:22):
bubble wrap and a popcornceiling.
As someone who worked within thebeauty industry for close to 15
years, let alone just any humanin general, it was nauseating
to look at myself.
I don't know her.
The same trader.
Joe's bags I cut up to put onthe floor.
(10:44):
As I shaved my head, I tapedthem over my bathroom mirrors.
I can't stand to look at my ownreflection.
I look like a monster.
I hate that.
This is the face that mynewborn baby looks into.
It must be so terrifying.
I start to think this mightactually be it.
(11:04):
I start to think it's actuallya good thing that I did have a
child, because my son looks somuch like me.
I wish I did more with my time.
I wish I left more of an impacton this earth.
I'm so mad at myself forthinking oh, I'll do that later
or I'll pursue that in a coupleof years At least my family and
(11:27):
loved ones will have my son tolook at and remember me by.
Why wait for a long, drawn out,excruciating or agonizing death?
Watching my body decay in slowmotion felt like a horrible way
to go.
Should I just take charge ofthings now?
I could make it easier.
(11:49):
It's at this point I realizeI'm not well.
Of course my body is physicallybreaking down and deteriorating
, but mentally I am not okay.
The feelings of isolation areguttural.
I weep into my hands in theshower, into my pillows at night
(12:09):
, loud, painful sobs that soundbroken down and shake my whole
body.
I'm dying and I've never feltso alone.
My mother has been depressed formost of my life.
My parents divorced when I was14 and instead of a physical
(12:29):
deterioration.
I had to watch on as my mothermentally and emotionally
deteriorated into someone I didnot recognize.
Because of this and the impactit had on me when I was in my
most formative years into myadult life, I became
hypervill—because of this impactit had on me.
(12:50):
When I was in my most formativeyears Into my young adult life,
I became hyperv—I becamehyperv—oh my god vigilant Into
my young adult life.
I became hypervigilant.
Into my young adult life.
I became hypervigilant on mymental health, seeing many
(13:15):
different therapists on and offthroughout the years, never
truly finding the right fit.
Before moving I had foundsomeone great, a great fit for
me, but she was pretty muchbooked solid and my insurance
didn't cover all of the fees.
The hospital actually has asocial worker for oncology
(13:37):
patients and my nurse navigatorhad been helpful with getting me
in touch with her in the past.
The moment I feel my thoughtsdrift, even at the loudest
points.
They're still at a whisper, butthat whisper is saying to no
longer be here.
I know I need to talk tosomeone.
I call my nurse navigator andshe puts me back in touch with
(14:00):
the social worker.
They also get me in touch withthe psychiatric liaison nurse
who specializes in oncology, toevaluate me.
After a few talks during mytreatment, she determines I
don't quite fit the bill forSSRIs.
Ssris are widely used and are atype of anti-depressant
medication.
They're mainly prescribed totreat depression particularly
(14:24):
persistent or in severe cases.
However, I think we both knewmy condition was not permanent.
I just was incrediblyoverwhelmed by the prospect of
fighting for my life.
I'd like to cite something Iread from the Stanford Center of
Integrative Medicine.
Stanfordedu writes many cancerpatients go through episodes of
(14:48):
depression.
Depression makes your entireexperience with cancer more
difficult.
We can show resilience and mayhamper your overall adjustment.
It also can undermine your willto live and compromise the
courage, fortitude anddetermination that you need to
face cancer and endure thenecessary medical treatments.
Depression is the exactopposite of what you need Energy
(15:13):
and stamina, a vision of abrighter future, hope that
inspires and sustains you, andthe motivation and commitment to
travel through the arduous roadof cancer therapy.
Cancer confronts us with ourmortality and all the fears and
losses associated with it.
It can turn your world upsidedown, disrupting your life and
(15:35):
threatening the roles, purposesand goals that give you meaning
and satisfaction.
Depression is therefore aserious threat to anyone dealing
with cancer.
Looking back now, I have no cluehow I did it.
When I dig deep inside myself,I pulled something out of what
(16:00):
felt like less than nothing.
I'm being really honest,listeners, I'm still in it.
Cancer seeps its ugliness intoevery facet of your life my
aspirations, my goals, myhappiness, my resilience, work
life, home life, mental andemotional health, financial
(16:22):
health, especially living in theUS that last one, financial
health, more to unpack there onanother day.
Now, when I think about ciderslooking in on our life and my
life, and I think the generalfeeling is I survived, I'm on
the upswing.
It's only better from here.
(16:44):
The reality is that I'm startingover from less than nothing.
Cancer bled me dry of all ofour resources, all of our
financial stability, my healthassurances, my sex life, my
family life, my generalwell-being.
We are having to rebuild,starting with bare-bone basic
(17:07):
tools.
In a way, I almost feel likeI'm 17 again, trying to strike
out on my own, except this timeI'm starting out in a ton of
medical debt and with a baby.
It's exhausting most days andit's really hard.
I would be lying if I said Istill don't get depressed.
(17:29):
This part is horrible, but I amalive.
I can't believe it.
I survived.
I get to hug my son.
I have a son.
I delivered him while I was inactive treatment for cancer.
I couldn't nurse him because Ihad a bilateral mastectomy.
(17:51):
I had my entire chest rippedout and then rebuilt.
I had to understand that nipplesparing said sparing, because
that's exactly what they weredoing sparing my nipples.
I've lost so much of myself, mybody and my mind to this.
Most of that I will never getback.
(18:13):
Watching the sun rise or set,hearing my son laugh, feeling
the wind dance across my face,my neck, my legs, just breathing
.
Every day I'm more thankfulthan the last.
Even on the hard days, there ismore to my story and I get to
(18:34):
control it.
It's so much harder now, butbeing alive grants me some sort
of control.
I am here and I can hear, smell, touch and taste.
I can laugh, I can live.
To my dear, dear listeners whoare facing anything remotely
(18:56):
similar to what I have, pleaseknow that you are strong, you're
graceful, you're beautiful,even when you don't feel like it
, even when you look in thatmirror and you don't recognize a
person staring back at you.
You are capable of fighting inso much more.
If I can do this, you canabsolutely do this.
(19:21):
You are light and you are love.
We always choose love here.
Thank you so much for listeningto Going Through it.
We'll be back the week afternext week To unpack another
stage of grief.
If you've come across thispodcast and know someone else
that could benefit from ourexperiences, please share with
them.
If you'd also like to followour journey even more, subscribe
(19:46):
to our mailing list atwearegoingthroughitcom.
You can find us on Spotify,apple Podcasts, amazon Music or
wherever it is you listen topodcasts.
While you're there, pleaseleave us your feedback with a
comment and give us a five-starreview.
It really works.
We'll see you next Friday.
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