March 3, 2025 • 33 mins
What happens when the life you knew crumbles beneath you? Angela Tobler bravely recounts her arduous yet ultimately empowering journey of healing after the betrayal in her marriage. Battling anxiety and the nagging fear of abandonment, Angela found solace and strength in therapy and a supportive community similar to a 12-step program. Through this, she learned to confront her deepest insecurities and emerged with a renewed sense of self-awareness and the courage to set firm boundaries, eventually leading her to a life-altering divorce.
Angela's raw honesty provides valuable insights into the complexities of rebuilding trust and self-worth in the aftermath of betrayal. She reflects on the emotional challenges of meeting new partners and how genuine connections must be rooted in consistent behavior. As Angela highlights the importance of accountability, self-trust, and spiritual guidance, listeners are reminded that true growth is an inner journey, not reliant on others changing for our sake. Her story underscores the need for mutual respect and honesty as pillars of any meaningful relationship.
Our conversation with Angela also explores her transformation and rediscovery of identity beyond the roles of wife and mother. She shares her decision to become a coach, emphasizing a future-oriented focus on personal growth. Angela offers wisdom on the necessity of facing discomfort and the "river of misery" to unlock rewarding transformation. To support those on similar paths, she introduces a three-month program and group coaching options, highlighting the power of healing within a community. Connect with our podcast community by sharing this episode and subscribing for more inspiring stories.
Angelas Info:
website - courageinbetryal.com
podcast - https://rss.com/podcasts/courageinbetrayal
social media - @courageinbetrayal
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast , happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So if you haven't listened toAngela's story, go back to last
week, last Monday, and you canhear the recap of her story.
But I have Angela Tobler on mypodcast and because she just had
(00:57):
so much valuable things to sayand to teach us, I really wanted
to hear the rest of her story.
Right, we heard the beginningabout her marriage and the
betrayal in her marriage, butnow today we're going to share
about her healing journey aswell as now how she helps women
heal from betrayal, which Ithink is so powerful.
(01:19):
Welcome back, angela.
Good to see you.
Yes, I'm glad to be back.
Welcome back, angela, good tosee you.
Yes, I'm glad to be back.
We left off with your custody.
It's been four and a half yearsthat your ex-husband gets your
kids five days a week.
You get them on the weekends.
How did you get through that?
Tell us all the things.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, so really like, the thing that I want to like
reiterate is just that healingis so much of a journey.
It's not a one-time thing, it'snot something that you arrive
at.
So the thing that happened tome, though, is in the midst of
when I found out about theaffair, and so this like goes
back to even more.
We were still married, he hadI'd found out about the affair,
(02:00):
and he had pleaded with me togive him another chance.
This was the lowest point of mylife, because every day, I was
filled with such anxiety, suchpain, such torture, so much so
that I lost my appetite.
I'm not an anxious person bynature person by nature and I
(02:30):
was so desperate to like calmthis anxiety, because I just
felt like I was crazy and justinsane.
And then I didn't know it wasreal.
I didn't know what to believe,I didn't know what to trust in
anything, and I struggled everyday, and, as much as it was
difficult to take care of mykids, that what saved me,
because it forced me to get outof bed, it forced me to put food
(02:50):
out, it forced me to do things,but I did.
I was just surviving, I was notliving, and I was so broken.
So I was very desperate to gethelp in any way I could.
And this is when I had seen mytherapist.
Before I'd found this therapistactually a few years before
that.
I wanted as a couples therapy,but at that point I had no idea
(03:14):
there was this issue.
He refused to go with me.
So she became my personaltherapist and that's when she
introduced me to BetrayalRecovery and to find a women's
group where I could work throughit and it's basically like AA
for for betrayed women, you know, and for spouses of this type
(03:35):
of thing.
And so, and then I had thedifferent therapy, and then I
had books and I had onlinecourses and I dove into it
because I didn't want to livethat way anymore.
So I was searching everywhereand I was soaking up everything
I could and as part of theprocess of like the A, there's
(03:58):
12 steps, you know program andyou work through different
exercises and you have thesedifferent things and I was
learning about myself in theseprocesses and I was learning how
I had so many things.
That like why it hurts so muchis because betrayal rips open
(04:19):
every wound and every insecurityyou've ever had your entire
life and so everything that'shappened throughout your whole
life.
It just exposes them all.
And now you're trying to stopthe bleeding and you just can't.
So it exposed my fear ofabandonment that I had had my
(04:39):
whole life, this fear that Iwasn't good enough and I had to
prove my value and I had beendoing this my whole life.
And this is when I began tolearn that, when I met him, I
fell in love with the way hemade me feel and I realized that
it wasn't that.
I mean, he was funny and he wasa good guy, but it wasn't him I
(05:02):
fell in love with.
Because when I break it downnow, it's like he was actually
kind of a bad boy and I wasn'tattracted to that and he was
kind of, you know, like thethings that he did I didn't
really care for, you know,whatever, but I had again the
immaturity I was young, that Iwas like oh, I can help him
become the man.
Yes help him become the man.
(05:27):
Yes, yeah, he can be, and Istarted to learn these things
about myself, and I began tolearn not only about them, but
then how to forgive myself forthem and how to move past them
and how to change.
Yeah, and I started to change,and it started with boundaries,
and this is why I started tofile for divorce, even though,
though I didn't want it eventhough I didn't really believe
that that was the right thing,but I knew I needed to take
(05:52):
action.
So I would just start doing theprocess of okay, what changes do
I need to make in my life, whatthings do I need?
And I had my absolutes, and oneof them was if there's lying
still present, I have to moveforward.
And that was my guiding line.
As long as, like, if there'slying and like it's not being
(06:13):
honest and transparent, I'm notgoing to stay here in this
marriage.
So I just kept moving andgrowing and learning.
And so by the time we wereactually divorced because again,
like to go back to our story wehad stood in front of a judge
three months before and I wasn'tready and they had asked if I
(06:37):
believed the marriage wasirrevocably broken and I wasn't.
I didn't believe that yet.
And afterwards, like the judgesaid, well then, I can't end
this, come back in three months.
And clicked it.
And I sat there of like whatdid I just do?
I had like six months to get tothat point and now I've just
(06:59):
postponed it another three.
And I was just like, what haveI done?
But I was very grateful becausethat three months when I stood
in front of the judge again.
I was ready and I knew that'swhat I wanted.
So when we were divorced, Iwasn't questioning, I wasn't
afraid, I wasn't based onanything else.
(07:22):
I was taking the step because Iknew that's what I needed to do
for myself and for my kids, andfor him too.
It was the most loving thingthat I could do in all around.
So that's why, like I hadreally grown a lot and I had
come to that place where Iwasn't done I still work on
(07:43):
things but I had loved myselfmore than I ever had my entire
life and I was proud of myselfand I valued and I held those
things true.
So it wasn't shortly after mydivorce that I met my now
husband, and it's one of thosethings that, when I met him, I
(08:05):
if I'm honest, it terrified mebecause he was, he came across
as everything that I had beenlooking for and that scared me
to death.
And so I kept telling myselfdon't trust him, because I was
still very simple, I don't makesense.
Yes, I kind of believed thatall men were liars just deep
(08:26):
down, and they were alwayshiding something, and so I kind
of was a little bit hesitant,anyway, you know.
So I was just like well, we'lljust see what happens, I'm just
looking for fun.
That was my whole thing.
I wasn't dating trying to getremarried.
I was dating because I wasready to have fun, ready to do
something, and so that's all Itold myself is I'm like this is
(08:49):
not serious, this is just to getto know people and to give
myself something to do when Ididn't have my kids.
That's kind of?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
yeah, it makes sense.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
And it was one that I learned and this is what I kind
of work with other women is Iwasn't trusting him as we were
dating and doing things.
I was trusting his behavior andI was trusting what was there
that I could see and before Iwas in the picture, what kind of
(09:19):
person was he?
And is it match up what hetells me Right?
Yeah, and it all did.
Everything was matching up.
He was match up what he tellsme Right, and it all did.
Everything was matching up.
He was who he said he was.
He didn't have anybody holdinghim accountable.
He held himself accountable andhe had his own standards.
He had his own view and desiresand needs and he held to them
(09:40):
and he wasn't asking me to doanything and that was like the
moment that I began to fall inlove with him.
I love that and so it was.
I first was trusting me.
I knew what to trust and partof that too and I don't know how
spiritual or things you go onbut I have this spiritual aspect
(10:02):
that I learned how to trust Godand all along he had been
guiding me and I knew I couldn'ttrust people, but I could trust
God and I knew that God had putthis man in my life and so
that's why we just kept movingforward with it.
(10:22):
And now, today that we've beenmarried nearly five years, and I
can attest that he is.
We are not immune to hurtingeach other or betrayal or lying
Neither one of us are but he'shonest and he's a good man and
he has the same wants and valuesand desires that I do, and we
(10:45):
honor each other and we honorourselves and it's really
beautiful and it's what I'vealways wanted my entire life is.
He truly is my best friend andit's just to have that mutual
respect and love for each other.
It's.
(11:05):
It's one of those that I'm likeI didn't think was really real,
but it is.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah, I love that so much.
And the thing is it is so truewe have to look at people's
behaviors, because our bodiesdon't lie.
We can.
We can lie all the time, right,like.
And actions speak louder thanwords, right?
And I love how you said thatwe're not immune, right.
(11:30):
I think one of the gifts thatI've learned is the repair,
because I'm a flawed person, I'mhuman.
Of course I make mistakes, butwhen you can take accountability
and ownership for thosemistakes and say sorry and it's
a genuine sorry you can have somuch more connection.
For me, I repair with my kidsbecause I'm not in a
(11:51):
relationship, but I justenvision someday, if I ever
choose to do that, that's it'slike I made a mistake and we
don't lie right.
It's not like you might saysomething untrue, but you,
you're able to catch yourselfand say, oh, actually that
wasn't the whole truth.
Or you know, I didn't want totell you because I felt
uncomfortable and you make therepair right, like, so it's not
(12:12):
the affair Affair is devastating, but if that person that's what
I believe marriages canovercome Absolutely If they do
the repair and if they'reactually sorry and if they
acknowledge and takeaccountability but it's not a
lot of people are willing to doit so the hardest part is
(12:33):
because that's the whole thingis I held on for what was nearly
a year, from, like, theseparation until the divorce,
like till everything happened,because he could say the most
beautiful yes, oh, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
And he told me everything I wanted to hear and
I wanted those words to be true.
So I had fun to him.
And then you lied to yourselfyes, but his actions were not
matching, and that's where Iwould go crazy, cause my I was
like I don't know.
Like he says that he's doingthis thing, I feel uncomfortable
and this is hard.
And I had this internal battlebecause I didn't know what to
(13:11):
trust.
And I held on so tight becauseI wanted his words to be true,
because they felt really goodwhen he said them.
It was what I wanted to hear,it was the validation that I
wanted to hear, it was thedoting on and the and that you
were good enough and he wantedto be with you and he wasn't
abandoning you.
Yeah, yes, it makes sense.
It was all these things.
(13:31):
So I held on to that so tightlyof like wanting to be this man
and the hope, because I couldsee, I knew that he's not this
terrible person.
He was good person too.
He has the, the capability weall do.
We all have this capability ofbeing both.
And I held on to the hope thathe would step into the man.
(13:54):
Yes, the potential that I sawhim as being, but that's when I
learned that he never wanted tobe that man.
He was always doing it for me.
So that was what I had to learn, and it was like learning.
That process is that he,everything he did, wasn't
because he knew he had donesomething wrong.
He was trying to do what heknew I needed.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
And what looked good, what was the right thing it was
all about.
What is the outside world thinkI should do?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Yeah, yeah, so it's.
It was just yeah, all of that,and I just again like going back
, I just kept learning and justkept trying to understand,
because I'm really one that whenI understand something, it just
clicks for me and I get itCause it's one that I've never
tried alcohol.
(14:44):
I've never been even wanted tohave any alcohol, because I've
seen what it does and I don'treally care to like.
To me, it makes sense that I'mlike I don't really need to
impair my ability to have fun.
I can choose to just have fun,like.
So it was just this whole thingthat it's never been in
something that I've wanted toengage in because I didn't need
(15:07):
that for my life.
So I'm like one that I'm like Iwant to be able to understand,
and so I just kept like tryingto dive in and trying to learn
of like where did this happenand how did this happen?
And learning that I had beenliving in a very manipulative
marriage or whole marriage verymanipulative marriage or whole
(15:30):
marriage I was told I had angerissues and that I was bipolar
and that I was a terrible personand that I'm emotionally
unstable and that you know,anytime I tried to talk about
anything, I was always shut down.
And I just started to see thispattern through our whole
marriage, like again how I wouldalways adapt and whenever there
was something that I feltuncomfortable about or that I
would need from him, it wouldshut down, like he would shut it
(15:53):
down and I would have to adaptof like okay, how am I going to
get out of this?
And so that's over.
This time I had been so muchthat I didn't know who I was,
and the consequence ofgaslighting and manipulation is
the loss of self-worth.
We have to give up our worth inorder to survive.
(16:15):
There's just no getting aroundit.
And I had no idea I was doingthat.
I thought I had valued myself.
I thought I was keeping myworth and I was like, no, that's
not me, that's not me myself.
I thought I was keeping myworth and I was like, no, that's
not me, that's not me.
But when I could be honest withmyself and when I finally
started to exam this, I was likeI have abandoned myself over
(16:35):
and, over and over again, I havebroken my own heart for the
sake of him and our family andput my needs so far down on the
totem pole.
They didn't even exist anymore.
I had no dreams or aspirationsof my own.
I had no idea.
I was just living life.
(16:56):
So, yeah, so that's.
That was like my journey ofgetting to that point.
Yeah, and you?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
see me shaking my head because I resonate so much
with all of it.
Yeah, I was so out of alignment.
It was like I was two differentpeople.
I didn't even know, like I waslike an outer body experience.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, yeah.
And it's one too, that, evenwithout betrayal, it's so common
for moms, for mothers, we justwe give our whole life over to
our children and they become ouridentity so often, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
And it's so unhealthy .
It's something in our societythat we've got to change, I feel
like younger generations aregetting a little bit more aware
like yes, but yeah definitely.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
But just like knowing who I was without being a wife
and a mother, I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
And you were young, 19, when you got married.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, so it just all been molded about him and our
life together and everything.
So you know, and I had to facea lot of fears, because the
number one was getting divorcedwas how am I going to support
myself?
How am?
I going to like do this?
Going to support myself?
How am I going to like do this?
(18:11):
And that's again where I leanedon my faith and I didn't know
how I was going to do it, but Iknew I needed to do it, so I
just kept taking the steps andand it was one.
You know that for me, thingsworked out in the way and the
timing and we sold our home, butthat was the best blessing I
needed.
that was the only money I evergot from him was the sale of our
(18:31):
home for the 15 years ofmarriage, as I got half of that
house and that was, that was mycompensation for the time.
But but I I knew when I hadreached that point, when I had
finally got divorced andeverything was done, I knew I
couldn't just sit on it becauseI needed so much help.
(18:53):
I couldn't have gone through it, I could not have gone, like,
done anything that I did withoutthe support and help that I had
found, and there were so manyavenues of support and things
that I gained from it.
There were podcasts and therewere TED talks and there were
websites and there were, youknow, there are so many
different avenues that helpedand I needed different things at
(19:16):
different times, and so Iwanted to be a beacon of hope
and that was like I didn't knowhow or when exactly, but I knew
that I was going to share mystory and that I would do
whatever I could to be alighthouse in whatever aspect.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Yeah, yeah.
So when did you decide I wantto be a coach?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I mean, that's the thing.
Good question is, I kind ofalways knew I wanted to.
I've wanted to do somethingright.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yeah, you want to be a lighthouse.
How are you going to do that?
So then you chose coachingright.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Yeah, so it's kind of been a organic way to get there
.
I I've wanted to write a bookwhich.
I haven't published it yet, butI've written it, but you're,
you're writing it or working onit like it started, as like I
wanted to just get everything Icould remember down.
I wanted to have my history andas I was writing it, I was like
there's more here there's morehere and it just kept coming of
(20:13):
like know that, like this issomething that could could help
you know so that was whatstarted my flow of like, okay,
doing this, and then looking atdifferent avenues what did I
want to do?
how did I want doing this?
And then looking at differentavenues, what did I want to do?
How did I want to do this?
And I settled on coachingbecause I looked at, like,
therapy, did I want to be atherapist?
I want to do different thingsand I really liked coaching
(20:34):
because it focuses on the futureand it focuses on movement.
So the whole point is that withcoaching, we're focused on
getting you out of where you areand moving you, and I just I
know therapy can do that too,but most of the time in therapy
(20:54):
it's getting into the mud.
All right let's go back, let'sget deep.
Let's like really get dig deepand find things.
But with coaching, although welook to understand and to know
our past, it's a rear viewmirror.
We're looking forward and we'regoing to take action of like,
what can we do?
What are the necessary steps toget you where you want to be?
(21:16):
And let's make that happen.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, I love that.
It is so true.
I mean, I think for me having atherapist was helpful and a
coach like I and I know noteveryone can afford that, but
having both was so, I think,helped me heal so much quicker.
As well as the podcast, thebooks.
I told a client the other day.
(21:41):
I'm like listen, if you reallywant to change, you've got to
spend your entire time.
You've got to be reading andlistening.
You can't just expect once aweek for an hour to help you get
better.
Like, if you really want this,you have to go all in.
I think and that's been myexperience is jumping all in,
(22:03):
and it sounds like that's yourexperience too.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yes, yeah, I mean because the truth is you have to
or you're you'll drown, kind ofyes, and I have this analogy
that I loved hearing that wasfrom.
It wasn't even about betrayal,but just life in general.
And shout out to Jodi Moore Ifanybody knows who she is.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Everyone on my podcast knows who she is,
because she's one of my favesand I talk about her all the
time.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
So, if you're familiar, she talks about the
river of misery.
Yes, and I love this analogythat we can often stand on one
side and we see what we want,but we know what we have to do
to get through, and we don'twant to go through that river of
misery.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
And like it's a silly little analogy, but I loved it
how she's like.
Imagine getting making a bathand you put all your salts and
get everything ready.
It's the perfect temperature.
You slide in and right as youget into the water you have to
pee.
You realize you have to pee.
So what do you do?
Do you sit there uncomfortableand just accept it and just not
(23:05):
enjoy the bath and just kind ofgrit through it and accept it?
Or do you get out of the bathdripping wet and cold and go
over to the bathroom and go tothe bathroom and then come in
and then enjoy your bath?
It's like that's the river ofmisery.
You have to up, you have to go,do something uncomfortable and
hard and then you reap therewards of that.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That action.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
And some people just pee in the bath and make it even
worse.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Yes, right, make their life even worse.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Like right, I don't.
She probably didn't say that,but you know it's true.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Like I watch people like they're making their lives,
they're just adding to it rightadding to their misery by doing
other things, yeah, and that wedon't even realize that we're
doing, or you know, or that wethink that this is going to be a
solution and we just createpieces, and so, yeah, it's kind
of that whole thing that I helpother women and I want to help
other women realize that it'snot easy, recovery is not easy
(24:06):
and it's going to make you facethings that you've been avoiding
.
That's the whole purpose, butthat's where you come.
That's the healing is on theother side of that.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
It's on the other side, and it's hard and it's
painful, but it is the mostrewarding thing and it's the
best gift that you will evergive or you will ever receive.
And that's just what's therequirement, and it's that one
that you have to be souncomfortable and so ready for
(24:38):
change that you are willing tostep into that river of misery,
you're willing to do whatever ittakes.
And it's not going to be easy,and I just I talked to a
potential client just today andshe's like the thing that sucks
the most is it's not, you know,trying to decide between two
good things.
It's really trying to decidebetween two really crappy things
(25:00):
you know, anything and I'm like, unfortunately, it is
like it doesn't matter if youstay in the relationship, it
doesn't matter if you leave.
Honestly, healing can come ineither aspect.
That is not a conducive of whatyou need to heal, but you're
going to have hard on eitherside.
You have to walk through reallydifficult and neither way is
(25:22):
going to be easy.
To walk through reallydifficult and neither way is
going to be easy.
But you just have to decidewhat do you ultimately want?
What's the life that youultimately want, and is that
choice taking you in thedirection that you really want,
or is it just sitting in yourpee?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Yeah, and keeping stuck, and it's so true and I
think so many people they get sohung up.
This wasn't my fault, thisisn't my problem, this wasn't
why do I have to heal?
But it's like, okay, we couldgo there, but that's going to
just keep you stuck and moremiserable.
So, yes, the healing, andhonestly I mean, I started the
(25:59):
same as you did, started healingin my marriage and as I healed
and I'm, we're all still healing, right, no one's ever healed.
You gained an ability.
Yes, you were strong enough.
I mean I love me so much morethan I mean I have a lot of
compassion for past me, but Ijust think the healing part,
(26:20):
it's the greatest gift you cangive yourself.
I'm like I am so grateful forchoosing that, and I know you
are too.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Yeah, and it all stems down to and this is what I
teach and that I want everywoman to experience is, most of
the time, people pleasingcodependency, the fear of
abandonment all comes from thisplace of just wanting to feel
enough.
But when you can give that giftto yourself, when you can
honestly truly believe and feelthat you are enough and you give
(26:52):
yourself that validation thatyou've been asking everybody
else to give, it finally fillsthat void that you've been
trying to fill with everybodyelse.
Tell me, tell me you love me,Tell me I'm good enough.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, and we don't have to fill it with cookies and
ice cream or anything else orany other buffer, whatever issue
, right, like, yeah, it's, it'slike magic, but the problem is
to get to that magic.
It's very, it is the river ofmisery, but I think the reward
(27:23):
is so amazing.
But so many people, they getstuck in the mud, right, they
get stuck on the one side andjust they're like well, maybe if
we get in a boat or if we gowalk around, right, right, We'll
find an easy way.
Well, let's try the easy way.
But it's like, okay, there's noeasy way to do this.
(27:44):
Yeah Well, how do people workwith you, Like, do you have a
program or how?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I do.
Yeah, I have a couple ofdifferent options.
I'm getting ready to launch oneof them.
Okay, I do work one-on-one, ifyou're interested in working
like one-on-one with me, and Ihave a three month program where
we dig into that and reallyjust help to work through your
things and your issues and giveyou the tools and the setup.
And my whole purpose of that isthat, again, you're not going
(28:12):
to end the three months and befailing off in the ocean, but my
hope is that you will see thelight at the end of the tunnel.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Yeah, and have the tools.
Don't you think, have some newskills that you didn't?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
have before.
Yeah, that you're able to like.
Okay, it's worth it.
There's a purpose in this,there's somewhere to go, there's
a direction to have, and thatyou have the ability and the
tools to get there, yeah, and sothat's the purpose of that.
The other option that I've had,that I'm looking, is to setting
up group coaching.
So you know, if it's something,that it's a little bit more
(28:46):
affordable, it's a little bitkind of more of like let me just
see if this is going to help.
You know that it's like atesting and you're not so like
the spotlight's not just on youand you can kind of learn and
grow from other women in thesession is like what?
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Yeah, you know I was nervous about groups, but I have
done some group therapy thingsand you do, even if the people
don't have your same issuesright, they're not the same
stories or whatever.
You can heal a lot in acommunity, I think, especially
women, and obviously yourclients will be in the betrayal
(29:23):
world.
So, and obviously your clientswill be in the betrayal world.
So so much connection, like Ithink we heal a lot more in
community than for sure that Irealized.
So I think group coaching canbe really beneficial for people
for many reasons, financially aswell, as they have connection
they because bizarrely thecommunity, yeah, don't you think
?
Speaker 2 (29:42):
at least for me, me I really thought I was the only
woman that had ever beenbetrayed yeah, or they could
feel the way you're feeling yes,right, or they could understand
it yeah and so you have thissense of, immediately, a group
of people that know the otherthing.
Like, I only do work with women,and I just want to preface that
(30:03):
it's not because I don't thinkthat men get betrayed In fact
there's very much the same storyon the flip side, and betrayal
is not one gendered.
But I specifically only workwith women because that's a
personal boundary of what'spersonal and it's intimate and
it's you know there's a lot ofemotion that goes into that and
(30:25):
I just I don't want to step inthat, cross that boundary, to do
that with another man.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Yeah, and you're married, right Like I do work
with men.
But you know I'm seeing it, itdoesn't feel fuzzy, right Right,
it feels different.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Yeah, which I totally respect.
It's like I'm respecting myrelationship now and it's it's
our thing that we safeguard.
Like I said, we're not immune.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So it's how we keep that safe, you know, and how we
protect that.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah, I, I I agree with you.
I think if I was married, Idon't know if I would coach Ben,
but for me it feels, I feelfine with it, but I totally get
it.
Yeah Well, angela, thank you somuch for coming on two episodes
.
That was so awesome, thank you.
I just really admire you andfor me, I needed to be vocal
(31:14):
about my story.
I held my story in for 26 yearsand now that I don't need to, or
that I feel safe that I canshare it, that I don't need to,
or that I feel safe that I canshare it, I realized how much
that hurt me by staying silent,but and how much it's helped me
in my healing to say my story.
And not everyone needs to sharetheir story, but for me it just
(31:36):
has.
It's been a healing part of myjourney, and that's not every
woman but I.
So I really appreciate yourwillingness because there needs
to be all of us right, some ofus that can share our stories,
and then some of us that we helpothers also heal from there,
from themselves.
So, anyways, okay, thanks somuch for listening.
(31:56):
You guys, if you liked thispodcast, please share with your
family and friends and leave areview, and if you want to learn
all the information aboutAngela, it's going to be in my
show notes.
So thanks so much for listeningand have a beautiful day and
I'll talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
(32:16):
for my email at hello at lifecoach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast , happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So if you haven't listened toAngela's story, go back to last
week, last Monday, and you canhear the recap of her story.
But I have Angela Tobler on mypodcast and because she just had
(00:57):
so much valuable things to sayand to teach us, I really wanted
to hear the rest of her story.
Right, we heard the beginningabout her marriage and the
betrayal in her marriage, butnow today we're going to share
about her healing journey aswell as now how she helps women
heal from betrayal, which Ithink is so powerful.
(01:19):
Welcome back, angela.
Good to see you.
Yes, I'm glad to be back.
Welcome back, angela, good tosee you.
Yes, I'm glad to be back.
We left off with your custody.
It's been four and a half yearsthat your ex-husband gets your
kids five days a week.
You get them on the weekends.
How did you get through that?
Tell us all the things.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, so really like, the thing that I want to like
reiterate is just that healingis so much of a journey.
It's not a one-time thing, it'snot something that you arrive
at.
So the thing that happened tome, though, is in the midst of
when I found out about theaffair, and so this like goes
back to even more.
We were still married, he hadI'd found out about the affair,
(02:00):
and he had pleaded with me togive him another chance.
This was the lowest point of mylife, because every day, I was
filled with such anxiety, suchpain, such torture, so much so
that I lost my appetite.
I'm not an anxious person bynature person by nature and I
(02:30):
was so desperate to like calmthis anxiety, because I just
felt like I was crazy and justinsane.
And then I didn't know it wasreal.
I didn't know what to believe,I didn't know what to trust in
anything, and I struggled everyday, and, as much as it was
difficult to take care of mykids, that what saved me,
because it forced me to get outof bed, it forced me to put food
(02:50):
out, it forced me to do things,but I did.
I was just surviving, I was notliving, and I was so broken.
So I was very desperate to gethelp in any way I could.
And this is when I had seen mytherapist.
Before I'd found this therapistactually a few years before
that.
I wanted as a couples therapy,but at that point I had no idea
(03:14):
there was this issue.
He refused to go with me.
So she became my personaltherapist and that's when she
introduced me to BetrayalRecovery and to find a women's
group where I could work throughit and it's basically like AA
for for betrayed women, you know, and for spouses of this type
(03:35):
of thing.
And so, and then I had thedifferent therapy, and then I
had books and I had onlinecourses and I dove into it
because I didn't want to livethat way anymore.
So I was searching everywhereand I was soaking up everything
I could and as part of theprocess of like the A, there's
(03:58):
12 steps, you know program andyou work through different
exercises and you have thesedifferent things and I was
learning about myself in theseprocesses and I was learning how
I had so many things.
That like why it hurts so muchis because betrayal rips open
(04:19):
every wound and every insecurityyou've ever had your entire
life and so everything that'shappened throughout your whole
life.
It just exposes them all.
And now you're trying to stopthe bleeding and you just can't.
So it exposed my fear ofabandonment that I had had my
(04:39):
whole life, this fear that Iwasn't good enough and I had to
prove my value and I had beendoing this my whole life.
And this is when I began tolearn that, when I met him, I
fell in love with the way hemade me feel and I realized that
it wasn't that.
I mean, he was funny and he wasa good guy, but it wasn't him I
(05:02):
fell in love with.
Because when I break it downnow, it's like he was actually
kind of a bad boy and I wasn'tattracted to that and he was
kind of, you know, like thethings that he did I didn't
really care for, you know,whatever, but I had again the
immaturity I was young, that Iwas like oh, I can help him
become the man.
Yes help him become the man.
(05:27):
Yes, yeah, he can be, and Istarted to learn these things
about myself, and I began tolearn not only about them, but
then how to forgive myself forthem and how to move past them
and how to change.
Yeah, and I started to change,and it started with boundaries,
and this is why I started tofile for divorce, even though,
though I didn't want it eventhough I didn't really believe
that that was the right thing,but I knew I needed to take
(05:52):
action.
So I would just start doing theprocess of okay, what changes do
I need to make in my life, whatthings do I need?
And I had my absolutes, and oneof them was if there's lying
still present, I have to moveforward.
And that was my guiding line.
As long as, like, if there'slying and like it's not being
(06:13):
honest and transparent, I'm notgoing to stay here in this
marriage.
So I just kept moving andgrowing and learning.
And so by the time we wereactually divorced because again,
like to go back to our story wehad stood in front of a judge
three months before and I wasn'tready and they had asked if I
(06:37):
believed the marriage wasirrevocably broken and I wasn't.
I didn't believe that yet.
And afterwards, like the judgesaid, well then, I can't end
this, come back in three months.
And clicked it.
And I sat there of like whatdid I just do?
I had like six months to get tothat point and now I've just
(06:59):
postponed it another three.
And I was just like, what haveI done?
But I was very grateful becausethat three months when I stood
in front of the judge again.
I was ready and I knew that'swhat I wanted.
So when we were divorced, Iwasn't questioning, I wasn't
afraid, I wasn't based onanything else.
(07:22):
I was taking the step because Iknew that's what I needed to do
for myself and for my kids, andfor him too.
It was the most loving thingthat I could do in all around.
So that's why, like I hadreally grown a lot and I had
come to that place where Iwasn't done I still work on
(07:43):
things but I had loved myselfmore than I ever had my entire
life and I was proud of myselfand I valued and I held those
things true.
So it wasn't shortly after mydivorce that I met my now
husband, and it's one of thosethings that, when I met him, I
(08:05):
if I'm honest, it terrified mebecause he was, he came across
as everything that I had beenlooking for and that scared me
to death.
And so I kept telling myselfdon't trust him, because I was
still very simple, I don't makesense.
Yes, I kind of believed thatall men were liars just deep
(08:26):
down, and they were alwayshiding something, and so I kind
of was a little bit hesitant,anyway, you know.
So I was just like well, we'lljust see what happens, I'm just
looking for fun.
That was my whole thing.
I wasn't dating trying to getremarried.
I was dating because I wasready to have fun, ready to do
something, and so that's all Itold myself is I'm like this is
(08:49):
not serious, this is just to getto know people and to give
myself something to do when Ididn't have my kids.
That's kind of?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
yeah, it makes sense.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
And it was one that I learned and this is what I kind
of work with other women is Iwasn't trusting him as we were
dating and doing things.
I was trusting his behavior andI was trusting what was there
that I could see and before Iwas in the picture, what kind of
(09:19):
person was he?
And is it match up what hetells me Right?
Yeah, and it all did.
Everything was matching up.
He was match up what he tellsme Right, and it all did.
Everything was matching up.
He was who he said he was.
He didn't have anybody holdinghim accountable.
He held himself accountable andhe had his own standards.
He had his own view and desiresand needs and he held to them
(09:40):
and he wasn't asking me to doanything and that was like the
moment that I began to fall inlove with him.
I love that and so it was.
I first was trusting me.
I knew what to trust and partof that too and I don't know how
spiritual or things you go onbut I have this spiritual aspect
(10:02):
that I learned how to trust Godand all along he had been
guiding me and I knew I couldn'ttrust people, but I could trust
God and I knew that God had putthis man in my life and so
that's why we just kept movingforward with it.
(10:22):
And now, today that we've beenmarried nearly five years, and I
can attest that he is.
We are not immune to hurtingeach other or betrayal or lying
Neither one of us are but he'shonest and he's a good man and
he has the same wants and valuesand desires that I do, and we
(10:45):
honor each other and we honorourselves and it's really
beautiful and it's what I'vealways wanted my entire life is.
He truly is my best friend andit's just to have that mutual
respect and love for each other.
It's.
(11:05):
It's one of those that I'm likeI didn't think was really real,
but it is.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah, I love that so much.
And the thing is it is so truewe have to look at people's
behaviors, because our bodiesdon't lie.
We can.
We can lie all the time, right,like.
And actions speak louder thanwords, right?
And I love how you said thatwe're not immune, right.
(11:30):
I think one of the gifts thatI've learned is the repair,
because I'm a flawed person, I'mhuman.
Of course I make mistakes, butwhen you can take accountability
and ownership for thosemistakes and say sorry and it's
a genuine sorry you can have somuch more connection.
For me, I repair with my kidsbecause I'm not in a
(11:51):
relationship, but I justenvision someday, if I ever
choose to do that, that's it'slike I made a mistake and we
don't lie right.
It's not like you might saysomething untrue, but you,
you're able to catch yourselfand say, oh, actually that
wasn't the whole truth.
Or you know, I didn't want totell you because I felt
uncomfortable and you make therepair right, like, so it's not
(12:12):
the affair Affair is devastating, but if that person that's what
I believe marriages canovercome Absolutely If they do
the repair and if they'reactually sorry and if they
acknowledge and takeaccountability but it's not a
lot of people are willing to doit so the hardest part is
(12:33):
because that's the whole thingis I held on for what was nearly
a year, from, like, theseparation until the divorce,
like till everything happened,because he could say the most
beautiful yes, oh, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
And he told me everything I wanted to hear and
I wanted those words to be true.
So I had fun to him.
And then you lied to yourselfyes, but his actions were not
matching, and that's where Iwould go crazy, cause my I was
like I don't know.
Like he says that he's doingthis thing, I feel uncomfortable
and this is hard.
And I had this internal battlebecause I didn't know what to
(13:11):
trust.
And I held on so tight becauseI wanted his words to be true,
because they felt really goodwhen he said them.
It was what I wanted to hear,it was the validation that I
wanted to hear, it was thedoting on and the and that you
were good enough and he wantedto be with you and he wasn't
abandoning you.
Yeah, yes, it makes sense.
It was all these things.
(13:31):
So I held on to that so tightlyof like wanting to be this man
and the hope, because I couldsee, I knew that he's not this
terrible person.
He was good person too.
He has the, the capability weall do.
We all have this capability ofbeing both.
And I held on to the hope thathe would step into the man.
(13:54):
Yes, the potential that I sawhim as being, but that's when I
learned that he never wanted tobe that man.
He was always doing it for me.
So that was what I had to learn, and it was like learning.
That process is that he,everything he did, wasn't
because he knew he had donesomething wrong.
He was trying to do what heknew I needed.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
And what looked good, what was the right thing it was
all about.
What is the outside world thinkI should do?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Yeah, yeah, so it's.
It was just yeah, all of that,and I just again like going back
, I just kept learning and justkept trying to understand,
because I'm really one that whenI understand something, it just
clicks for me and I get itCause it's one that I've never
tried alcohol.
(14:44):
I've never been even wanted tohave any alcohol, because I've
seen what it does and I don'treally care to like.
To me, it makes sense that I'mlike I don't really need to
impair my ability to have fun.
I can choose to just have fun,like.
So it was just this whole thingthat it's never been in
something that I've wanted toengage in because I didn't need
(15:07):
that for my life.
So I'm like one that I'm like Iwant to be able to understand,
and so I just kept like tryingto dive in and trying to learn
of like where did this happenand how did this happen?
And learning that I had beenliving in a very manipulative
marriage or whole marriage verymanipulative marriage or whole
(15:30):
marriage I was told I had angerissues and that I was bipolar
and that I was a terrible personand that I'm emotionally
unstable and that you know,anytime I tried to talk about
anything, I was always shut down.
And I just started to see thispattern through our whole
marriage, like again how I wouldalways adapt and whenever there
was something that I feltuncomfortable about or that I
would need from him, it wouldshut down, like he would shut it
(15:53):
down and I would have to adaptof like okay, how am I going to
get out of this?
And so that's over.
This time I had been so muchthat I didn't know who I was,
and the consequence ofgaslighting and manipulation is
the loss of self-worth.
We have to give up our worth inorder to survive.
(16:15):
There's just no getting aroundit.
And I had no idea I was doingthat.
I thought I had valued myself.
I thought I was keeping myworth and I was like, no, that's
not me, that's not me myself.
I thought I was keeping myworth and I was like, no, that's
not me, that's not me.
But when I could be honest withmyself and when I finally
started to exam this, I was likeI have abandoned myself over
(16:35):
and, over and over again, I havebroken my own heart for the
sake of him and our family andput my needs so far down on the
totem pole.
They didn't even exist anymore.
I had no dreams or aspirationsof my own.
I had no idea.
I was just living life.
(16:56):
So, yeah, so that's.
That was like my journey ofgetting to that point.
Yeah, and you?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
see me shaking my head because I resonate so much
with all of it.
Yeah, I was so out of alignment.
It was like I was two differentpeople.
I didn't even know, like I waslike an outer body experience.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, yeah.
And it's one too, that, evenwithout betrayal, it's so common
for moms, for mothers, we justwe give our whole life over to
our children and they become ouridentity so often, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
And it's so unhealthy .
It's something in our societythat we've got to change, I feel
like younger generations aregetting a little bit more aware
like yes, but yeah definitely.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
But just like knowing who I was without being a wife
and a mother, I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
And you were young, 19, when you got married.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, so it just all been molded about him and our
life together and everything.
So you know, and I had to facea lot of fears, because the
number one was getting divorcedwas how am I going to support
myself?
How am?
I going to like do this?
Going to support myself?
How am I going to like do this?
(18:11):
And that's again where I leanedon my faith and I didn't know
how I was going to do it, but Iknew I needed to do it, so I
just kept taking the steps andand it was one.
You know that for me, thingsworked out in the way and the
timing and we sold our home, butthat was the best blessing I
needed.
that was the only money I evergot from him was the sale of our
(18:31):
home for the 15 years ofmarriage, as I got half of that
house and that was, that was mycompensation for the time.
But but I I knew when I hadreached that point, when I had
finally got divorced andeverything was done, I knew I
couldn't just sit on it becauseI needed so much help.
(18:53):
I couldn't have gone through it, I could not have gone, like,
done anything that I did withoutthe support and help that I had
found, and there were so manyavenues of support and things
that I gained from it.
There were podcasts and therewere TED talks and there were
websites and there were, youknow, there are so many
different avenues that helpedand I needed different things at
(19:16):
different times, and so Iwanted to be a beacon of hope
and that was like I didn't knowhow or when exactly, but I knew
that I was going to share mystory and that I would do
whatever I could to be alighthouse in whatever aspect.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Yeah, yeah.
So when did you decide I wantto be a coach?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
I mean, that's the thing.
Good question is, I kind ofalways knew I wanted to.
I've wanted to do somethingright.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yeah, you want to be a lighthouse.
How are you going to do that?
So then you chose coachingright.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Yeah, so it's kind of been a organic way to get there
.
I I've wanted to write a bookwhich.
I haven't published it yet, butI've written it, but you're,
you're writing it or working onit like it started, as like I
wanted to just get everything Icould remember down.
I wanted to have my history andas I was writing it, I was like
there's more here there's morehere and it just kept coming of
(20:13):
like know that, like this issomething that could could help
you know so that was whatstarted my flow of like, okay,
doing this, and then looking atdifferent avenues what did I
want to do?
how did I want doing this?
And then looking at differentavenues, what did I want to do?
How did I want to do this?
And I settled on coachingbecause I looked at, like,
therapy, did I want to be atherapist?
I want to do different thingsand I really liked coaching
(20:34):
because it focuses on the futureand it focuses on movement.
So the whole point is that withcoaching, we're focused on
getting you out of where you areand moving you, and I just I
know therapy can do that too,but most of the time in therapy
(20:54):
it's getting into the mud.
All right let's go back, let'sget deep.
Let's like really get dig deepand find things.
But with coaching, although welook to understand and to know
our past, it's a rear viewmirror.
We're looking forward and we'regoing to take action of like,
what can we do?
What are the necessary steps toget you where you want to be?
(21:16):
And let's make that happen.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, I love that.
It is so true.
I mean, I think for me having atherapist was helpful and a
coach like I and I know noteveryone can afford that, but
having both was so, I think,helped me heal so much quicker.
As well as the podcast, thebooks.
I told a client the other day.
(21:41):
I'm like listen, if you reallywant to change, you've got to
spend your entire time.
You've got to be reading andlistening.
You can't just expect once aweek for an hour to help you get
better.
Like, if you really want this,you have to go all in.
I think and that's been myexperience is jumping all in,
(22:03):
and it sounds like that's yourexperience too.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yes, yeah, I mean because the truth is you have to
or you're you'll drown, kind ofyes, and I have this analogy
that I loved hearing that wasfrom.
It wasn't even about betrayal,but just life in general.
And shout out to Jodi Moore Ifanybody knows who she is.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Everyone on my podcast knows who she is,
because she's one of my favesand I talk about her all the
time.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
So, if you're familiar, she talks about the
river of misery.
Yes, and I love this analogythat we can often stand on one
side and we see what we want,but we know what we have to do
to get through, and we don'twant to go through that river of
misery.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
And like it's a silly little analogy, but I loved it
how she's like.
Imagine getting making a bathand you put all your salts and
get everything ready.
It's the perfect temperature.
You slide in and right as youget into the water you have to
pee.
You realize you have to pee.
So what do you do?
Do you sit there uncomfortableand just accept it and just not
(23:05):
enjoy the bath and just kind ofgrit through it and accept it?
Or do you get out of the bathdripping wet and cold and go
over to the bathroom and go tothe bathroom and then come in
and then enjoy your bath?
It's like that's the river ofmisery.
You have to up, you have to go,do something uncomfortable and
hard and then you reap therewards of that.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That action.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
And some people just pee in the bath and make it even
worse.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Yes, right, make their life even worse.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Like right, I don't.
She probably didn't say that,but you know it's true.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Like I watch people like they're making their lives,
they're just adding to it rightadding to their misery by doing
other things, yeah, and that wedon't even realize that we're
doing, or you know, or that wethink that this is going to be a
solution and we just createpieces, and so, yeah, it's kind
of that whole thing that I helpother women and I want to help
other women realize that it'snot easy, recovery is not easy
(24:06):
and it's going to make you facethings that you've been avoiding
.
That's the whole purpose, butthat's where you come.
That's the healing is on theother side of that.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
It's on the other side, and it's hard and it's
painful, but it is the mostrewarding thing and it's the
best gift that you will evergive or you will ever receive.
And that's just what's therequirement, and it's that one
that you have to be souncomfortable and so ready for
(24:38):
change that you are willing tostep into that river of misery,
you're willing to do whatever ittakes.
And it's not going to be easy,and I just I talked to a
potential client just today andshe's like the thing that sucks
the most is it's not, you know,trying to decide between two
good things.
It's really trying to decidebetween two really crappy things
(25:00):
you know, anything and I'm like, unfortunately, it is
like it doesn't matter if youstay in the relationship, it
doesn't matter if you leave.
Honestly, healing can come ineither aspect.
That is not a conducive of whatyou need to heal, but you're
going to have hard on eitherside.
You have to walk through reallydifficult and neither way is
(25:22):
going to be easy.
To walk through reallydifficult and neither way is
going to be easy.
But you just have to decidewhat do you ultimately want?
What's the life that youultimately want, and is that
choice taking you in thedirection that you really want,
or is it just sitting in yourpee?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Yeah, and keeping stuck, and it's so true and I
think so many people they get sohung up.
This wasn't my fault, thisisn't my problem, this wasn't
why do I have to heal?
But it's like, okay, we couldgo there, but that's going to
just keep you stuck and moremiserable.
So, yes, the healing, andhonestly I mean, I started the
(25:59):
same as you did, started healingin my marriage and as I healed
and I'm, we're all still healing, right, no one's ever healed.
You gained an ability.
Yes, you were strong enough.
I mean I love me so much morethan I mean I have a lot of
compassion for past me, but Ijust think the healing part,
(26:20):
it's the greatest gift you cangive yourself.
I'm like I am so grateful forchoosing that, and I know you
are too.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Yeah, and it all stems down to and this is what I
teach and that I want everywoman to experience is, most of
the time, people pleasingcodependency, the fear of
abandonment all comes from thisplace of just wanting to feel
enough.
But when you can give that giftto yourself, when you can
honestly truly believe and feelthat you are enough and you give
(26:52):
yourself that validation thatyou've been asking everybody
else to give, it finally fillsthat void that you've been
trying to fill with everybodyelse.
Tell me, tell me you love me,Tell me I'm good enough.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, and we don't have to fill it with cookies and
ice cream or anything else orany other buffer, whatever issue
, right, like, yeah, it's, it'slike magic, but the problem is
to get to that magic.
It's very, it is the river ofmisery, but I think the reward
(27:23):
is so amazing.
But so many people, they getstuck in the mud, right, they
get stuck on the one side andjust they're like well, maybe if
we get in a boat or if we gowalk around, right, right, We'll
find an easy way.
Well, let's try the easy way.
But it's like, okay, there's noeasy way to do this.
(27:44):
Yeah Well, how do people workwith you, Like, do you have a
program or how?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I do.
Yeah, I have a couple ofdifferent options.
I'm getting ready to launch oneof them.
Okay, I do work one-on-one, ifyou're interested in working
like one-on-one with me, and Ihave a three month program where
we dig into that and reallyjust help to work through your
things and your issues and giveyou the tools and the setup.
And my whole purpose of that isthat, again, you're not going
(28:12):
to end the three months and befailing off in the ocean, but my
hope is that you will see thelight at the end of the tunnel.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Yeah, and have the tools.
Don't you think, have some newskills that you didn't?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
have before.
Yeah, that you're able to like.
Okay, it's worth it.
There's a purpose in this,there's somewhere to go, there's
a direction to have, and thatyou have the ability and the
tools to get there, yeah, and sothat's the purpose of that.
The other option that I've had,that I'm looking, is to setting
up group coaching.
So you know, if it's something,that it's a little bit more
(28:46):
affordable, it's a little bitkind of more of like let me just
see if this is going to help.
You know that it's like atesting and you're not so like
the spotlight's not just on youand you can kind of learn and
grow from other women in thesession is like what?
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Yeah, you know I was nervous about groups, but I have
done some group therapy thingsand you do, even if the people
don't have your same issuesright, they're not the same
stories or whatever.
You can heal a lot in acommunity, I think, especially
women, and obviously yourclients will be in the betrayal
(29:23):
world.
So, and obviously your clientswill be in the betrayal world.
So so much connection, like Ithink we heal a lot more in
community than for sure that Irealized.
So I think group coaching canbe really beneficial for people
for many reasons, financially aswell, as they have connection
they because bizarrely thecommunity, yeah, don't you think
?
Speaker 2 (29:42):
at least for me, me I really thought I was the only
woman that had ever beenbetrayed yeah, or they could
feel the way you're feeling yes,right, or they could understand
it yeah and so you have thissense of, immediately, a group
of people that know the otherthing.
Like, I only do work with women,and I just want to preface that
(30:03):
it's not because I don't thinkthat men get betrayed In fact
there's very much the same storyon the flip side, and betrayal
is not one gendered.
But I specifically only workwith women because that's a
personal boundary of what'spersonal and it's intimate and
it's you know there's a lot ofemotion that goes into that and
(30:25):
I just I don't want to step inthat, cross that boundary, to do
that with another man.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Yeah, and you're married, right Like I do work
with men.
But you know I'm seeing it, itdoesn't feel fuzzy, right Right,
it feels different.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Yeah, which I totally respect.
It's like I'm respecting myrelationship now and it's it's
our thing that we safeguard.
Like I said, we're not immune.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So it's how we keep that safe, you know, and how we
protect that.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Yeah, I, I I agree with you.
I think if I was married, Idon't know if I would coach Ben,
but for me it feels, I feelfine with it, but I totally get
it.
Yeah Well, angela, thank you somuch for coming on two episodes
.
That was so awesome, thank you.
I just really admire you andfor me, I needed to be vocal
(31:14):
about my story.
I held my story in for 26 yearsand now that I don't need to, or
that I feel safe that I canshare it, that I don't need to,
or that I feel safe that I canshare it, I realized how much
that hurt me by staying silent,but and how much it's helped me
in my healing to say my story.
And not everyone needs to sharetheir story, but for me it just
(31:36):
has.
It's been a healing part of myjourney, and that's not every
woman but I.
So I really appreciate yourwillingness because there needs
to be all of us right, some ofus that can share our stories,
and then some of us that we helpothers also heal from there,
from themselves.
So, anyways, okay, thanks somuch for listening.
(31:56):
You guys, if you liked thispodcast, please share with your
family and friends and leave areview, and if you want to learn
all the information aboutAngela, it's going to be in my
show notes.
So thanks so much for listeningand have a beautiful day and
I'll talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
(32:16):
for my email at hello at lifecoach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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