September 25, 2023 • 28 mins
Meet Darleen, a woman with a moving and inspiring story. Her early years were tinged with the confusion of secrets that didn't quite sit right. At the tender age of 10, she was entrusted with a dark secret - a secret that forced her to grapple with adult issues way before her time.
Eventually, she found the courage to break her silence.
Today, Darleen educates and advocates for seniors on her Seniorlivingguide.com podcast, serving as a resource and a beacon of hope and guidance for older people.
Check out the SeniorLivingGuide.com podcast on Apple podcasts:
https://podcasts.apple.com/at/podcast/seniorlivingguide-com-podcast/id1529797009
Connect with Jen:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ineedbluepodcast/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/needbluepodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1q8SfA_hEXRJ4EaizlW8Q
Website: https://ineedblue.net/
The background music is written, performed, and produced exclusively by Char Good.
https://chargood.com/home
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jen (00:00):
Remember you are stronger than you think.
Don't believe me, we're aboutto prove it.
Welcome back.
This is Jen Lee, creator andhost of I Need Blue podcast.
(00:21):
True Crime to True Life.
(00:51):
Please note I Need Blue doescontain sensitive topics which
could be triggering.
Please seek help if needed andremember you always come first.
I Need Blue episodes can befound on Apple Podcasts, spotify
and many listening platforms,including my website,
wwwineedbluenet.
(01:12):
From there you will findvaluable resources, safety tips,
my newly released book why ISurvived by Jennifer Lee.
I would like to thank Shar Good, the talented violinist who
composed and performed thisopening music.
You can find information aboutShar Good on my website.
(01:34):
As always, thank you forlistening.
Let's begin today's episode.
This kid's telling secrets wasoften an exciting and bonding
experience among friends.
I remember leaning into myfriend's ear, shh coming out of
my mouth and whispering words ofsuch importance it could not be
(01:57):
shared elsewhere.
Maybe it was about a boy crushI had, or a dream.
Sharing secrets helps create asense of trust and inclusion.
If I became the recipient ofsomeone's secret sharing, I felt
accepted as they picked me toshare it with, it felt good.
(02:19):
My guest, darlene, understandsthis feeling.
Darlene and Diane were earlychildhood friends.
They were around 10, 11 yearsold when Diane came to Darlene
anxious to share a secret.
She told Darlene she was havinga secret relationship with her
(02:42):
uncle.
She made Darlene promise not totell anyone.
At such a young age, neithergirl understood that this type
of relationship was not okay.
Darlene eventually shares thissecret and we discuss what
happened after and how it stillhaunts Darlene.
(03:02):
I have the privilege of callingDarlene my friend.
Today she hosts the seniorliving guide dot com podcast.
She shares her love for seniorsby being a valuable resource
for our aging community.
My friend, thank you forjoining me on the I Need Blue
(03:27):
podcast.
Darleen (03:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm really excited to speakwith you today and hopefully my
story and kind of what issomething at my age which we
won't discuss but I'm not aspring check-in can be a value
to someone else in their life.
Jen (03:48):
And I think that it will be .
Your story made me kind of goback to my childhood and never
really thinking about yoursituation.
Now, as adults, we understandthat that's not okay.
So, if it's okay, I would loveto start this conversation with
you sharing that story.
(04:09):
Give us a little bit ofbackground, yeah.
Darleen (04:13):
This was back in like probably early 80s, late 70s, so
back in that timeframe youlived in a neighborhood.
Your neighbors were allneighbors, people didn't move
around a lot, everybody kneweverybody, you know you.
You barbecued together, youhung out, you know all the moms
talked and you had sleepovers ateveryone's houses and During
(04:35):
the summer, you know, you'd say,hey, can I go swimming over at
so-and-so's house?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go outthe door and you maybe had
Ravioli down the street duringthe summer and and you came on
when the you know Streetlightscame on and nobody worried about
anything.
To be honest with you, peopledidn't talk about a lot of stuff
back then as well, like thingsthat we talk about now very
openly, especially openly withchildren or young teens.
(04:57):
And you know this girl that Ihad known and we had done
sleepovers and she spent thenight at my house and I spent
the night at her house and wehad hung out and we were great
friends.
Like you know, 10, 11 years old, 9, 10, 11 she had shared with
me that she was having some sortof sexual relationship with her
(05:17):
uncle, which was her dad'sbrother, and she almost made it
sound like it was cool and I waslike, oh okay, and maybe I'm
supposed to think that it's coolthat it's.
You know, this is a cool thing.
She's a mature girl and oh okay, you know, okay, so, but I
can't tell anyone.
Well, I was the type of personthat if you tell me not to say
something, I'm, you know, I'mgonna respect that, I'm not
(05:39):
gonna say anything.
And you know, this went on fora while and it's not like
something she just chatted withme about all the time.
It was just something thatwould come up on occasion and I
acknowledged it and I didn't askfor details or anything like
that.
And I was, you know, somewhatshocked by it per se, I think,
because I grew up in a verySheltered home.
(06:00):
I mean, my both my parents werevery religious and we weren't
allowed to watch a lot oftelevision that was considered
controversial or we didn't stayup late, you know, we went to
church on Sundays, wednesdaynights, that's that type of
stuff, and my parents were verySheltering of me.
I wasn't exposed to a lot ofthings that other kids may have
(06:23):
been exposed to, but I didn'treally want to make a big deal
out of it because I wanted tofit in with her as well I'm, and
I know her for so long, so itwasn't something I was
completely uncomfortable with.
But as we got a little bitolder and I was probably like 12
or 13 I'm just trying to, youknow, go back in my memory bank
because this was late 70s, early80s.
So, you know, your memorystarts to fade a little bit as
(06:43):
you get older.
I remember just Sitting like inthe living room with my mom and
then another friend that wasfriends with this girl's mother
and them talking about like someissues that maybe that they
were having with my friend Diane.
I remember Listening to thisand this is when we were coming
to kind of come into the age ofopera.
(07:05):
I mean, she really did open upa lot of conversations we have
in this country and moved itforward, so she should
definitely be accredited forthat.
I remember telling my mom hey,this is what's going on.
And my mom was like, oh my gosh, darling, you really should
have told me about that sooner.
She wasn't upset or anything.
(07:25):
She just got whatever details,which was not a lot she didn't
share, like this is what he'sdoing.
I don't recall, I don't know ifit was.
I think it was more touching.
But I really honestly I don'trecall all the details.
I've kind of blocked that, Ithink.
But she and the other mom Wentand told Diane's mother and they
(07:48):
had that conversation.
How that conversation went Idon't know because I never had
any feedback that came back onme.
I never had my friends say whydid you tell?
That never happened.
Or the mom said you know whatdid you do?
None of that ever occurred, sonone of it ever came back On me.
So I think my mom and herfriend probably handled it Very
(08:09):
well.
I don't know how it unfolded inthat household.
I do know that right after allof this that household started
to fall apart.
They lived in that neighborhoodfor years, they owned their
home but then a divorce occurred, the home sold and Everybody in
the neighborhood kind of knewwhat had occurred that she was
(08:33):
abused by her uncle and thefather was kicked out, all these
different things.
So it started a chain reactionand I remember feeling bad about
that.
I never told anyone.
I never told any of our otherfriends because we had a little
girlfriend group, but I didn'tsay anything.
I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed for her andit was still a secret and I had
(08:53):
already had told my mother, Ithink I ended up sharing that
high school or post high schoolwith some of those very, very
close friends that I'm stillfriends with today.
It always weighed heavily on methat I I kept it for so long, I
didn't see anything for so longand I should have said
something.
And then the after effect was sosevere and I remember Diane's
(09:17):
mom stayed in touch with some ofthe other mothers in the
neighborhood and they were stillfriends after she got divorced
and moved and you know thegossip that continues to happen.
You know they said that you knowDiane Was stripping before she
was even of legal age.
So I started hearing that andthat made me feel terrible and
it broke my heart and I just Allthese things just stayed in the
(09:39):
back of my mind that you know Iwas no longer in contact with
Diane anymore because once theymoved and I was disconnected, at
that point we'd grown separateways.
It wasn't intentional, but shewas living a lifestyle that I
was not interested in.
It was a lifestyle that Ididn't do, and she moved and
(09:59):
back then you didn't have cellphones, you didn't have social
media, so it's super easy togrow apart, and then she was
having so much turmoil in herlife and I probably, to be
honest with you, probably had alot of guilt, and With that
guilt I didn't want to associate, because I knew what I had kind
of done, or and maybe shedidn't want to talk to me too,
(10:21):
who knows, so you were carryinga lot of blame.
Oh, 100%.
My whole adult life havethought about her.
I've asked about her with otherpeople that maybe kind of were
connected, that maybe knew herfrom the neighborhood kids that
grew up in that neighborhood,just in passing, and they said,
(10:41):
oh, she's had some kids withdifferent fathers and I don't
think she ever got married.
I could be completely wrong onthat.
So her life she was never ableto regroup.
It's always stayed in the backof my mind.
You know, I hope she's okay.
I don't know what's going tohappen with her, All these
different things.
And during COVID I was onlinelooking at the local news
(11:03):
channel and just like a blurb itwasn't a big news story, it
wasn't a headline or anythinglike that A local woman and it
had her name was found in aretention pond.
They said homicide and it washer and my heart sank.
(11:23):
That's the end of her story.
That was her story, her wholestory.
It didn't have to be that way.
It didn't have to be that way.
And you know, I looked up herobituary.
It named her mom, her sisterand, I think, several children
(11:44):
and it just broke my heart.
It didn't have to be that way.
And it all started.
You know, your life can goanyway.
So it may have ended up goingin that direction, but it all
started with a sexual abuse ofsomeone who should have
protected her.
How stupid is that?
Jen (12:06):
How ridiculous is that it's sad and it happens too often.
Let me ask you this, because Itoo, I lived a sheltered life
and I don't know if at age 10 or11, I really understood what
sex was.
You know to understand if itwas right or if it was wrong.
Darleen (12:26):
Yeah, I don't, I don't really recall I think I knew
what it was, basically my mom.
I remember her sitting down andhaving to talk with me and I
remember, oh my gosh, pleasedon't have this talk with me,
please don't have this talk withme, and I was probably 10, but
it was, you know, the biologicaltalk, the birds and the bees
(12:46):
talk, type of thing.
You know, I would never want tohave grown up any differently.
I think we, to be very frankwith you, I think we are over
sexualizing our kids now.
I think it's so sad that thesekids are growing up so fast.
They have such a small windowof time to be little and to play
(13:07):
with Barbies and to play withdolls and to be little children
in the grand scheme of life.
We live 75, 80 years old.
Sometimes we really have five,10 years out of that whole
timeframe to be little kids andI think as adults we are really
out of selfishness trying tomake them little grownups and I
(13:29):
don't understand it.
I really just don't.
But I don't think my mom waslike overprotective where she
didn't want me to understandwhat it was, but I think just
that timeframe we I don't knowthat sexual abuse, I don't know,
abuse was as prominent as it isnow, and sometimes I think it's
just because parents like mymom was home a lot more, and a
(13:53):
lot of these moms, they werehome a lot more, not that some
of them didn't work, but we justdidn't have the social
activities.
We ate dinner at home everynight.
There was no going out to eat.
If we went out to eat, it was adeal, I mean, it was something
you bragged about to all yourfriends.
So it was not, you know, but wehad dinner, we had dinner at
(14:16):
the table every single night andwe talked about our days and we
had conversations, you know,and we had the stranger danger
conversation.
But we also felt safer in ourneighborhoods.
And not that things didn'thappen, because I do remember,
even growing back then, if achild was kidnapped and I mean I
grew up in Orlando, so I mean Ididn't grow up in some little
(14:39):
teeny, tiny town but if a childwas kidnapped it was like huge
news, huge.
And now we've got kidsdisappearing every single day
and they don't even make thenews hardly anymore because it's
just such a common occurrence.
Jen (14:57):
Absolutely.
They're being trafficked,everything, and you're so right,
even though, compared to the70s and 80s, those things really
weren't talked about, and a lotof times I grew up where kind
of like whatever happened inyour house stayed in your house.
Yeah, now times have changed.
But you're so right.
When it comes to these crimesagainst our children, they're
(15:20):
innocent and, like you said,they only have so many years
where they can actually be achild.
I think I played with Barbiesuntil I was 12.
At that point, I was doingtheir hair.
You know, I was like I want tobraid the hair and cut the hair.
Darleen (15:32):
Yeah.
And all of those fun things.
We are at, especially now.
I mean, even back then, some ofthese conversations should have
been a little bit moreprominent.
If your friends tell you tokeep a secret and it doesn't
feel comfortable, you need totell someone, and that can be
the whole conversation.
If it doesn't feel comfortable,if it feels wrong, you need to
(15:53):
tell someone.
I think that would have beeneven for me, a trigger for me to
probably have said somethingearlier rather than later.
In my mind.
I feel like it was years, justlooking back, because I'm sure I
was younger before I finallysaid something, because I
believe it was for years that Iknew about this and she had said
things to me just in passingand, like I said she did.
(16:15):
It wasn't something that shewent into detail about or
anything like that, but shereally did make it sound like it
was consensual and that it wascool and that she I don't want
to say was proud of it.
But she either that or she wasreaching out to me and I think
about that as well.
That is another thing that has,you know, rolled over in my
(16:37):
mind, where it can be hauntingsometimes.
Was she looking to me for me tosay you shouldn't be doing that
or that's wrong, or let me helpyou.
She did not come from aconservative home.
She did come from a morelenient household where I do
know that you know 10, 11, 12years old, that they did have
(16:59):
rated our movies and I do knowthat that was an issue with my
mother, that she let her motherknow I'm to that I cannot watch
those types of things.
Even when we were going into 12, 13 years old years old, she
would like read a Harlequin book, which back then those were who
, and my mom would be like wedon't read those types of books.
(17:20):
Her mom read the romance booksand so she read them and I
remember my mom going we're not,we're not reading those, so no
can do.
Jen (17:29):
So for you, the tough thing is you live with a lot of
questions.
Darleen (17:34):
I live with questions and you know I talked to my mom
a lot through the years, I meaneven up until my mom passed away
a few years ago.
I mean up until probably sixmonths before she died.
It's come up my whole life, mywhole life.
I talked to my mom and justpretty much just to my mom about
it and she's always would tellme there's nothing for you to
(17:56):
feel bad about, there's nothingfor you to feel guilty about.
You did the right thing, youwere young.
So she's always reinforced forme not to feel bad.
But that doesn't change the factthat I still have that heavy on
my heart.
And, all honesty, if she'd gonea different way, a different
path, and she was happy in hergeneral life and was successful
(18:17):
and I knew all of these things,some of that may be relieved.
But the fact that it didn't gothat direction and then to even
have that finality of what didhappen to her a few years ago,
it was shocking to me to seethat it literally, you know you
have that moment where you readsomething and it's just like
you're like having an outer bodyexperience.
(18:38):
It was kind of like that justto read that, and then it was so
generic it was like a couple ofsentences and a generic new
story, and then there was nofollow up on who murdered her,
who knows?
Jen (18:52):
How do you find forgiveness for yourself?
Is that kind of a journeyyou're trying to explore, or are
you just?
It's here, it sits in me andthat's what it is.
Darleen (19:03):
I think just working through things with my mom over
the years I have the forgiveness, so I'm okay with that, but it
still sits on me because I didlove her as a friend.
I mean that won't change.
And what happened to her isheartbreaking to me.
And this is the thing in lifeas you get older and I think
(19:25):
that young people need to reallypay attention to this is you
can't go back in a time machineand change things.
So making good decisions whenyou have the ability to make
them is really important.
And then also really listeningto people that you're with and
people that are important to youand spending time with people
that are important to you andgiven the opportunity to change
(19:47):
a life.
I think we get wrapped up in somuch of what we're doing in our
own lives that we don't take thetime out to do some of those
things.
I think we need to just stopsmell the roses.
I mean, I got married veryyoung.
I was a military spouse, I hadkids.
I just got very wrapped up inmy own life and while I had her
like in the back of my mind thiswhole time, did I reach out to
(20:09):
her.
No, those things I do haveguilt about, because those
things I could have donesomething about because I was
mature enough and I knew better.
But I didn't.
And I was really more afraid ofhow she would respond to me if
I tried looking her up andreaching out to her.
And then do I really wanna openup this bag of worms for myself
?
So I do live a little bit forsure with that years ago and I
(20:35):
know this is something that'snot uncommonly said at funerals,
but it was actually the firsttime I had heard it.
You know, when you look at atombstone, you have the name you
have beloved, whatever, butthen you have the date, the year
of the birth, the year of thedeath, and then there's the dash
, and what's really important isnot the year of the birth or
the year of the death, it's thatdash.
(20:55):
What does that dash stand for?
Does it matter how nice of ahouse you had?
Does it matter what car youdrove?
Does it matter what career youhad?
None of that matters.
Nobody standing at your funeralis going.
You know what Mr Jones had thenicest house, do you know?
Mr Jones drove a BMW, thenewest one.
(21:18):
Nobody is talking about that,nobody.
What are they gonna?
Jen (21:24):
say about you?
What are they gonna say aboutthat dash?
Wow, I will never look at atombstone the same way again, or
an obituary or anything wherethey put the birth to the death
and that dash is in the middlethe dash.
What a great visual to reallymake you stop and think about
(21:45):
your life and what you want toleave behind in that dash, you
know.
Thank you for sharing that.
I have another question for you.
You're a mom and growing up.
What was your relationship likewith your kids and the
conversations that you had?
Darleen (22:03):
So I like to think I was a good mom and I hope my
kids would back me up on that.
I tried to do a balance becauseI was more sheltered and
overprotected.
I didn't want that so much withmy kids, so I tried to have a
balance, but they were also.
I think my daughter at the timethought she was overprotected.
(22:23):
She surely accused me of that,especially in her teenage years,
because I just had thiscomplete and total fear, and I
still do.
I mean, she is grown, adult,married woman living in Atlanta,
and I still have a fear for hersafety.
If I see something on the newsabout something that's happened
(22:43):
in Atlanta, I am making sureshe's okay.
And even my son my son is notmarried, he lives single lives
in Detroit, michigan, and if hedoesn't text me back and I don't
hear from him, I have the worstcase scenarios going through my
mind and I start freaking out,panicking and he's like mom, god
(23:04):
bless, I was at the gym.
So you know I still have all ofthese different things in my
head because I'm stillprotective of them, because they
are the reason for my being.
I mean they are my life as faras what gives me happiness and
joy and everything inside of me.
Their safety was always mynumber one concern and sometimes
(23:28):
that impeded on what they feltwas their freedom.
You know, I was kind of a toughlove mom.
Too bad, too sad.
If you don't like it, I don'treally care.
I didn't ask for yourpermission, but I also wanted to
give them a lot of freedom aswell.
But you know, and I also wantedmy house to be the destination
(23:49):
house, so I kind of geared ittowards that.
I also really still, to thisday, please talk to me.
Jen (23:55):
I mean, I wanted to have open conversations with my kids,
you know, and earlier youtalked about spending time with
special people and with family,and we had lunch yesterday, you
know, with some of our friendsand it was very nice and what
came up is the importance of ourseniors.
We're all going to be a seniorone day.
(24:16):
Seniors have some of the beststories you know when you think
about all of the things thatthey have seen in their life.
There's so much we can learnfrom them.
And because of your love ofseniors, you decided to start
the senior living guidecompodcast.
I listened to your podcast.
I love your podcast.
(24:37):
It is not just for seniors.
We talked about that.
The information is great and,while it might not be relevant
to me at 47, like, the day willcome that it will be, but also
my parents are at that age, so Ineed to educate myself so that
if my parents need help, I canbe there Like I understand some
(24:58):
of the things that they may begoing through.
Darleen (25:01):
Yeah, so we did come up with the senior living guidecom
podcast during COVID.
It was created to be a resourcefor seniors and caregivers for
a variety of different topics,so we did do some research.
Seniors really enjoy listeningto podcasts.
It's something that they can doin the car.
(25:21):
It's something that they can doif they have any visual
impairment, which is notuncommon, and even if they have
some hearing impairment, you canuse, you know, headphones or
volume control, different thingslike that, so it can be very
easily listened to.
We wanted to do something thatwas light, where it's not so
clinical that anyone's talkingover their head, but it's a
(25:43):
resource, and we really work toprovide resources within each
podcast that they can take afterthe podcast and connect with
someone outside for whatevertopic or whatever issues that
they may be having.
So, yeah, absolutely, and itdoesn't even have to be an issue
.
Some of our podcasts are justabout how to find joy in your
everyday living and just liketips on that.
(26:04):
Or, you know, we've had someoneon there.
Actually, we had Ron Colbersonwho was on one of your podcasts.
You really can find joy, I mean, as you age.
The unfortunate side of agingis you get your aches, you get
your pains.
You know you have to eathealthier than you've ever eaten
.
And then they want you toexercise, and then all these
(26:24):
different things, and you'regoing oh, this can be just such
a bummer, but you still have tolaugh during it.
So we, you know having thatconversation with Ron as well.
Jen (26:33):
So absolutely love that conversation and what I will say
in regards to exercise.
If you have an episode on Zumba, it was great.
Yes.
Darleen (26:42):
Yes, at Zumba Gold it's , and you can do it virtually
from anywhere in the country andit's live.
So I mean you interact with theinstructor.
That is great.
Jen (26:52):
Especially our senior population some of them that you
know they may not have a lot offamily or friends come so they
can find community there andcommunity is so important.
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely,wonderful.
Thank you so much for being myguest today.
No, thank you so much forhaving me Absolutely.
And again, darlene is host ofthe senior living guycom podcast
(27:16):
.
Please check that out and thewebsite is senior living guycom.
Darleen (27:22):
Senior living guycom and our podcasts can be found on
the website as well and theirsenior resources, but it's also
available anywhere you listen topodcasts such as Spotify, Apple
podcasts and more.
Jen (27:33):
Absolutely, and there is in the show notes.
She has all the links to theepisode as well, so it's really
easy to navigate.
Anyway, darlene, thank you forbeing my friend.
Thank you for all you do forour aging community and I love
that you were here with me today.
Thanks for having me.
Absolutely.
This is Jen Lee with the I NeedBlue podcast.
(27:55):
Thank you for listening.
You can find all of my episodesand everything you ever needed
to know about I Need Blue on mywebsite, wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think, thank you.
Remember you are stronger than you think.
Don't believe me, we're aboutto prove it.
Welcome back.
This is Jen Lee, creator andhost of I Need Blue podcast.
(00:21):
True Crime to True Life.
(00:51):
Please note I Need Blue doescontain sensitive topics which
could be triggering.
Please seek help if needed andremember you always come first.
I Need Blue episodes can befound on Apple Podcasts, spotify
and many listening platforms,including my website,
wwwineedbluenet.
(01:12):
From there you will findvaluable resources, safety tips,
my newly released book why ISurvived by Jennifer Lee.
I would like to thank Shar Good, the talented violinist who
composed and performed thisopening music.
You can find information aboutShar Good on my website.
(01:34):
As always, thank you forlistening.
Let's begin today's episode.
This kid's telling secrets wasoften an exciting and bonding
experience among friends.
I remember leaning into myfriend's ear, shh coming out of
my mouth and whispering words ofsuch importance it could not be
(01:57):
shared elsewhere.
Maybe it was about a boy crushI had, or a dream.
Sharing secrets helps create asense of trust and inclusion.
If I became the recipient ofsomeone's secret sharing, I felt
accepted as they picked me toshare it with, it felt good.
(02:19):
My guest, darlene, understandsthis feeling.
Darlene and Diane were earlychildhood friends.
They were around 10, 11 yearsold when Diane came to Darlene
anxious to share a secret.
She told Darlene she was havinga secret relationship with her
(02:42):
uncle.
She made Darlene promise not totell anyone.
At such a young age, neithergirl understood that this type
of relationship was not okay.
Darlene eventually shares thissecret and we discuss what
happened after and how it stillhaunts Darlene.
(03:02):
I have the privilege of callingDarlene my friend.
Today she hosts the seniorliving guide dot com podcast.
She shares her love for seniorsby being a valuable resource
for our aging community.
My friend, thank you forjoining me on the I Need Blue
(03:27):
podcast.
Darleen (03:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm really excited to speakwith you today and hopefully my
story and kind of what issomething at my age which we
won't discuss but I'm not aspring check-in can be a value
to someone else in their life.
Jen (03:48):
And I think that it will be .
Your story made me kind of goback to my childhood and never
really thinking about yoursituation.
Now, as adults, we understandthat that's not okay.
So, if it's okay, I would loveto start this conversation with
you sharing that story.
(04:09):
Give us a little bit ofbackground, yeah.
Darleen (04:13):
This was back in like probably early 80s, late 70s, so
back in that timeframe youlived in a neighborhood.
Your neighbors were allneighbors, people didn't move
around a lot, everybody kneweverybody, you know you.
You barbecued together, youhung out, you know all the moms
talked and you had sleepovers ateveryone's houses and During
(04:35):
the summer, you know, you'd say,hey, can I go swimming over at
so-and-so's house?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go outthe door and you maybe had
Ravioli down the street duringthe summer and and you came on
when the you know Streetlightscame on and nobody worried about
anything.
To be honest with you, peopledidn't talk about a lot of stuff
back then as well, like thingsthat we talk about now very
openly, especially openly withchildren or young teens.
(04:57):
And you know this girl that Ihad known and we had done
sleepovers and she spent thenight at my house and I spent
the night at her house and wehad hung out and we were great
friends.
Like you know, 10, 11 years old, 9, 10, 11 she had shared with
me that she was having some sortof sexual relationship with her
(05:17):
uncle, which was her dad'sbrother, and she almost made it
sound like it was cool and I waslike, oh okay, and maybe I'm
supposed to think that it's coolthat it's.
You know, this is a cool thing.
She's a mature girl and oh okay, you know, okay, so, but I
can't tell anyone.
Well, I was the type of personthat if you tell me not to say
something, I'm, you know, I'mgonna respect that, I'm not
(05:39):
gonna say anything.
And you know, this went on fora while and it's not like
something she just chatted withme about all the time.
It was just something thatwould come up on occasion and I
acknowledged it and I didn't askfor details or anything like
that.
And I was, you know, somewhatshocked by it per se, I think,
because I grew up in a verySheltered home.
(06:00):
I mean, my both my parents werevery religious and we weren't
allowed to watch a lot oftelevision that was considered
controversial or we didn't stayup late, you know, we went to
church on Sundays, wednesdaynights, that's that type of
stuff, and my parents were verySheltering of me.
I wasn't exposed to a lot ofthings that other kids may have
(06:23):
been exposed to, but I didn'treally want to make a big deal
out of it because I wanted tofit in with her as well I'm, and
I know her for so long, so itwasn't something I was
completely uncomfortable with.
But as we got a little bitolder and I was probably like 12
or 13 I'm just trying to, youknow, go back in my memory bank
because this was late 70s, early80s.
So, you know, your memorystarts to fade a little bit as
(06:43):
you get older.
I remember just Sitting like inthe living room with my mom and
then another friend that wasfriends with this girl's mother
and them talking about like someissues that maybe that they
were having with my friend Diane.
I remember Listening to thisand this is when we were coming
to kind of come into the age ofopera.
(07:05):
I mean, she really did open upa lot of conversations we have
in this country and moved itforward, so she should
definitely be accredited forthat.
I remember telling my mom hey,this is what's going on.
And my mom was like, oh my gosh, darling, you really should
have told me about that sooner.
She wasn't upset or anything.
(07:25):
She just got whatever details,which was not a lot she didn't
share, like this is what he'sdoing.
I don't recall, I don't know ifit was.
I think it was more touching.
But I really honestly I don'trecall all the details.
I've kind of blocked that, Ithink.
But she and the other mom Wentand told Diane's mother and they
(07:48):
had that conversation.
How that conversation went Idon't know because I never had
any feedback that came back onme.
I never had my friends say whydid you tell?
That never happened.
Or the mom said you know whatdid you do?
None of that ever occurred, sonone of it ever came back On me.
So I think my mom and herfriend probably handled it Very
(08:09):
well.
I don't know how it unfolded inthat household.
I do know that right after allof this that household started
to fall apart.
They lived in that neighborhoodfor years, they owned their
home but then a divorce occurred, the home sold and Everybody in
the neighborhood kind of knewwhat had occurred that she was
(08:33):
abused by her uncle and thefather was kicked out, all these
different things.
So it started a chain reactionand I remember feeling bad about
that.
I never told anyone.
I never told any of our otherfriends because we had a little
girlfriend group, but I didn'tsay anything.
I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed for her andit was still a secret and I had
(08:53):
already had told my mother, Ithink I ended up sharing that
high school or post high schoolwith some of those very, very
close friends that I'm stillfriends with today.
It always weighed heavily on methat I I kept it for so long, I
didn't see anything for so longand I should have said
something.
And then the after effect was sosevere and I remember Diane's
(09:17):
mom stayed in touch with some ofthe other mothers in the
neighborhood and they were stillfriends after she got divorced
and moved and you know thegossip that continues to happen.
You know they said that you knowDiane Was stripping before she
was even of legal age.
So I started hearing that andthat made me feel terrible and
it broke my heart and I just Allthese things just stayed in the
(09:39):
back of my mind that you know Iwas no longer in contact with
Diane anymore because once theymoved and I was disconnected, at
that point we'd grown separateways.
It wasn't intentional, but shewas living a lifestyle that I
was not interested in.
It was a lifestyle that Ididn't do, and she moved and
(09:59):
back then you didn't have cellphones, you didn't have social
media, so it's super easy togrow apart, and then she was
having so much turmoil in herlife and I probably, to be
honest with you, probably had alot of guilt, and With that
guilt I didn't want to associate, because I knew what I had kind
of done, or and maybe shedidn't want to talk to me too,
(10:21):
who knows, so you were carryinga lot of blame.
Oh, 100%.
My whole adult life havethought about her.
I've asked about her with otherpeople that maybe kind of were
connected, that maybe knew herfrom the neighborhood kids that
grew up in that neighborhood,just in passing, and they said,
(10:41):
oh, she's had some kids withdifferent fathers and I don't
think she ever got married.
I could be completely wrong onthat.
So her life she was never ableto regroup.
It's always stayed in the backof my mind.
You know, I hope she's okay.
I don't know what's going tohappen with her, All these
different things.
And during COVID I was onlinelooking at the local news
(11:03):
channel and just like a blurb itwasn't a big news story, it
wasn't a headline or anythinglike that A local woman and it
had her name was found in aretention pond.
They said homicide and it washer and my heart sank.
(11:23):
That's the end of her story.
That was her story, her wholestory.
It didn't have to be that way.
It didn't have to be that way.
And you know, I looked up herobituary.
It named her mom, her sisterand, I think, several children
(11:44):
and it just broke my heart.
It didn't have to be that way.
And it all started.
You know, your life can goanyway.
So it may have ended up goingin that direction, but it all
started with a sexual abuse ofsomeone who should have
protected her.
How stupid is that?
Jen (12:06):
How ridiculous is that it's sad and it happens too often.
Let me ask you this, because Itoo, I lived a sheltered life
and I don't know if at age 10 or11, I really understood what
sex was.
You know to understand if itwas right or if it was wrong.
Darleen (12:26):
Yeah, I don't, I don't really recall I think I knew
what it was, basically my mom.
I remember her sitting down andhaving to talk with me and I
remember, oh my gosh, pleasedon't have this talk with me,
please don't have this talk withme, and I was probably 10, but
it was, you know, the biologicaltalk, the birds and the bees
(12:46):
talk, type of thing.
You know, I would never want tohave grown up any differently.
I think we, to be very frankwith you, I think we are over
sexualizing our kids now.
I think it's so sad that thesekids are growing up so fast.
They have such a small windowof time to be little and to play
(13:07):
with Barbies and to play withdolls and to be little children
in the grand scheme of life.
We live 75, 80 years old.
Sometimes we really have five,10 years out of that whole
timeframe to be little kids andI think as adults we are really
out of selfishness trying tomake them little grownups and I
(13:29):
don't understand it.
I really just don't.
But I don't think my mom waslike overprotective where she
didn't want me to understandwhat it was, but I think just
that timeframe we I don't knowthat sexual abuse, I don't know,
abuse was as prominent as it isnow, and sometimes I think it's
just because parents like mymom was home a lot more, and a
(13:53):
lot of these moms, they werehome a lot more, not that some
of them didn't work, but we justdidn't have the social
activities.
We ate dinner at home everynight.
There was no going out to eat.
If we went out to eat, it was adeal, I mean, it was something
you bragged about to all yourfriends.
So it was not, you know, but wehad dinner, we had dinner at
(14:16):
the table every single night andwe talked about our days and we
had conversations, you know,and we had the stranger danger
conversation.
But we also felt safer in ourneighborhoods.
And not that things didn'thappen, because I do remember,
even growing back then, if achild was kidnapped and I mean I
grew up in Orlando, so I mean Ididn't grow up in some little
(14:39):
teeny, tiny town but if a childwas kidnapped it was like huge
news, huge.
And now we've got kidsdisappearing every single day
and they don't even make thenews hardly anymore because it's
just such a common occurrence.
Jen (14:57):
Absolutely.
They're being trafficked,everything, and you're so right,
even though, compared to the70s and 80s, those things really
weren't talked about, and a lotof times I grew up where kind
of like whatever happened inyour house stayed in your house.
Yeah, now times have changed.
But you're so right.
When it comes to these crimesagainst our children, they're
(15:20):
innocent and, like you said,they only have so many years
where they can actually be achild.
I think I played with Barbiesuntil I was 12.
At that point, I was doingtheir hair.
You know, I was like I want tobraid the hair and cut the hair.
Darleen (15:32):
Yeah.
And all of those fun things.
We are at, especially now.
I mean, even back then, some ofthese conversations should have
been a little bit moreprominent.
If your friends tell you tokeep a secret and it doesn't
feel comfortable, you need totell someone, and that can be
the whole conversation.
If it doesn't feel comfortable,if it feels wrong, you need to
(15:53):
tell someone.
I think that would have beeneven for me, a trigger for me to
probably have said somethingearlier rather than later.
In my mind.
I feel like it was years, justlooking back, because I'm sure I
was younger before I finallysaid something, because I
believe it was for years that Iknew about this and she had said
things to me just in passingand, like I said she did.
(16:15):
It wasn't something that shewent into detail about or
anything like that, but shereally did make it sound like it
was consensual and that it wascool and that she I don't want
to say was proud of it.
But she either that or she wasreaching out to me and I think
about that as well.
That is another thing that has,you know, rolled over in my
(16:37):
mind, where it can be hauntingsometimes.
Was she looking to me for me tosay you shouldn't be doing that
or that's wrong, or let me helpyou.
She did not come from aconservative home.
She did come from a morelenient household where I do
know that you know 10, 11, 12years old, that they did have
(16:59):
rated our movies and I do knowthat that was an issue with my
mother, that she let her motherknow I'm to that I cannot watch
those types of things.
Even when we were going into 12, 13 years old years old, she
would like read a Harlequin book, which back then those were who
, and my mom would be like wedon't read those types of books.
(17:20):
Her mom read the romance booksand so she read them and I
remember my mom going we're not,we're not reading those, so no
can do.
Jen (17:29):
So for you, the tough thing is you live with a lot of
questions.
Darleen (17:34):
I live with questions and you know I talked to my mom
a lot through the years, I meaneven up until my mom passed away
a few years ago.
I mean up until probably sixmonths before she died.
It's come up my whole life, mywhole life.
I talked to my mom and justpretty much just to my mom about
it and she's always would tellme there's nothing for you to
(17:56):
feel bad about, there's nothingfor you to feel guilty about.
You did the right thing, youwere young.
So she's always reinforced forme not to feel bad.
But that doesn't change the factthat I still have that heavy on
my heart.
And, all honesty, if she'd gonea different way, a different
path, and she was happy in hergeneral life and was successful
(18:17):
and I knew all of these things,some of that may be relieved.
But the fact that it didn't gothat direction and then to even
have that finality of what didhappen to her a few years ago,
it was shocking to me to seethat it literally, you know you
have that moment where you readsomething and it's just like
you're like having an outer bodyexperience.
(18:38):
It was kind of like that justto read that, and then it was so
generic it was like a couple ofsentences and a generic new
story, and then there was nofollow up on who murdered her,
who knows?
Jen (18:52):
How do you find forgiveness for yourself?
Is that kind of a journeyyou're trying to explore, or are
you just?
It's here, it sits in me andthat's what it is.
Darleen (19:03):
I think just working through things with my mom over
the years I have the forgiveness, so I'm okay with that, but it
still sits on me because I didlove her as a friend.
I mean that won't change.
And what happened to her isheartbreaking to me.
And this is the thing in lifeas you get older and I think
(19:25):
that young people need to reallypay attention to this is you
can't go back in a time machineand change things.
So making good decisions whenyou have the ability to make
them is really important.
And then also really listeningto people that you're with and
people that are important to youand spending time with people
that are important to you andgiven the opportunity to change
(19:47):
a life.
I think we get wrapped up in somuch of what we're doing in our
own lives that we don't take thetime out to do some of those
things.
I think we need to just stopsmell the roses.
I mean, I got married veryyoung.
I was a military spouse, I hadkids.
I just got very wrapped up inmy own life and while I had her
like in the back of my mind thiswhole time, did I reach out to
(20:09):
her.
No, those things I do haveguilt about, because those
things I could have donesomething about because I was
mature enough and I knew better.
But I didn't.
And I was really more afraid ofhow she would respond to me if
I tried looking her up andreaching out to her.
And then do I really wanna openup this bag of worms for myself
?
So I do live a little bit forsure with that years ago and I
(20:35):
know this is something that'snot uncommonly said at funerals,
but it was actually the firsttime I had heard it.
You know, when you look at atombstone, you have the name you
have beloved, whatever, butthen you have the date, the year
of the birth, the year of thedeath, and then there's the dash
, and what's really important isnot the year of the birth or
the year of the death, it's thatdash.
(20:55):
What does that dash stand for?
Does it matter how nice of ahouse you had?
Does it matter what car youdrove?
Does it matter what career youhad?
None of that matters.
Nobody standing at your funeralis going.
You know what Mr Jones had thenicest house, do you know?
Mr Jones drove a BMW, thenewest one.
(21:18):
Nobody is talking about that,nobody.
What are they gonna?
Jen (21:24):
say about you?
What are they gonna say aboutthat dash?
Wow, I will never look at atombstone the same way again, or
an obituary or anything wherethey put the birth to the death
and that dash is in the middlethe dash.
What a great visual to reallymake you stop and think about
(21:45):
your life and what you want toleave behind in that dash, you
know.
Thank you for sharing that.
I have another question for you.
You're a mom and growing up.
What was your relationship likewith your kids and the
conversations that you had?
Darleen (22:03):
So I like to think I was a good mom and I hope my
kids would back me up on that.
I tried to do a balance becauseI was more sheltered and
overprotected.
I didn't want that so much withmy kids, so I tried to have a
balance, but they were also.
I think my daughter at the timethought she was overprotected.
(22:23):
She surely accused me of that,especially in her teenage years,
because I just had thiscomplete and total fear, and I
still do.
I mean, she is grown, adult,married woman living in Atlanta,
and I still have a fear for hersafety.
If I see something on the newsabout something that's happened
(22:43):
in Atlanta, I am making sureshe's okay.
And even my son my son is notmarried, he lives single lives
in Detroit, michigan, and if hedoesn't text me back and I don't
hear from him, I have the worstcase scenarios going through my
mind and I start freaking out,panicking and he's like mom, god
(23:04):
bless, I was at the gym.
So you know I still have all ofthese different things in my
head because I'm stillprotective of them, because they
are the reason for my being.
I mean they are my life as faras what gives me happiness and
joy and everything inside of me.
Their safety was always mynumber one concern and sometimes
(23:28):
that impeded on what they feltwas their freedom.
You know, I was kind of a toughlove mom.
Too bad, too sad.
If you don't like it, I don'treally care.
I didn't ask for yourpermission, but I also wanted to
give them a lot of freedom aswell.
But you know, and I also wantedmy house to be the destination
(23:49):
house, so I kind of geared ittowards that.
I also really still, to thisday, please talk to me.
Jen (23:55):
I mean, I wanted to have open conversations with my kids,
you know, and earlier youtalked about spending time with
special people and with family,and we had lunch yesterday, you
know, with some of our friendsand it was very nice and what
came up is the importance of ourseniors.
We're all going to be a seniorone day.
(24:16):
Seniors have some of the beststories you know when you think
about all of the things thatthey have seen in their life.
There's so much we can learnfrom them.
And because of your love ofseniors, you decided to start
the senior living guidecompodcast.
I listened to your podcast.
I love your podcast.
(24:37):
It is not just for seniors.
We talked about that.
The information is great and,while it might not be relevant
to me at 47, like, the day willcome that it will be, but also
my parents are at that age, so Ineed to educate myself so that
if my parents need help, I canbe there Like I understand some
(24:58):
of the things that they may begoing through.
Darleen (25:01):
Yeah, so we did come up with the senior living guidecom
podcast during COVID.
It was created to be a resourcefor seniors and caregivers for
a variety of different topics,so we did do some research.
Seniors really enjoy listeningto podcasts.
It's something that they can doin the car.
(25:21):
It's something that they can doif they have any visual
impairment, which is notuncommon, and even if they have
some hearing impairment, you canuse, you know, headphones or
volume control, different thingslike that, so it can be very
easily listened to.
We wanted to do something thatwas light, where it's not so
clinical that anyone's talkingover their head, but it's a
(25:43):
resource, and we really work toprovide resources within each
podcast that they can take afterthe podcast and connect with
someone outside for whatevertopic or whatever issues that
they may be having.
So, yeah, absolutely, and itdoesn't even have to be an issue
.
Some of our podcasts are justabout how to find joy in your
everyday living and just liketips on that.
(26:04):
Or, you know, we've had someoneon there.
Actually, we had Ron Colbersonwho was on one of your podcasts.
You really can find joy, I mean, as you age.
The unfortunate side of agingis you get your aches, you get
your pains.
You know you have to eathealthier than you've ever eaten
.
And then they want you toexercise, and then all these
(26:24):
different things, and you'regoing oh, this can be just such
a bummer, but you still have tolaugh during it.
So we, you know having thatconversation with Ron as well.
Jen (26:33):
So absolutely love that conversation and what I will say
in regards to exercise.
If you have an episode on Zumba, it was great.
Yes.
Darleen (26:42):
Yes, at Zumba Gold it's , and you can do it virtually
from anywhere in the country andit's live.
So I mean you interact with theinstructor.
That is great.
Jen (26:52):
Especially our senior population some of them that you
know they may not have a lot offamily or friends come so they
can find community there andcommunity is so important.
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely,wonderful.
Thank you so much for being myguest today.
No, thank you so much forhaving me Absolutely.
And again, darlene is host ofthe senior living guycom podcast
(27:16):
.
Please check that out and thewebsite is senior living guycom.
Darleen (27:22):
Senior living guycom and our podcasts can be found on
the website as well and theirsenior resources, but it's also
available anywhere you listen topodcasts such as Spotify, Apple
podcasts and more.
Jen (27:33):
Absolutely, and there is in the show notes.
She has all the links to theepisode as well, so it's really
easy to navigate.
Anyway, darlene, thank you forbeing my friend.
Thank you for all you do forour aging community and I love
that you were here with me today.
Thanks for having me.
Absolutely.
This is Jen Lee with the I NeedBlue podcast.
(27:55):
Thank you for listening.
You can find all of my episodesand everything you ever needed
to know about I Need Blue on mywebsite, wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think, thank you.
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