February 10, 2025 • 43 mins
Click to Join PMDD Power Couples
Click to Book a Private PMDD Session
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on TikTok
Ever feel like you're on an emotional treadmill in your PMDD relationship, running hard but going nowhere? Discover how to break free from the cycle of frustration and stagnation that many partners face. This episode promises to equip you with the insights needed to pinpoint the roots of dissatisfaction and move past the redundant threats of leaving. Uncover why some partners resist change and what it means for the future of your relationship.
Gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics that PMDD introduces into partnerships, and learn to spot the signs of resistance to change. We explore the delicate dance between accountability and using PMDD as an unwarranted excuse for harmful behaviors. Through personal stories and expert advice, find out how both partners can shoulder the responsibility of managing emotions, ensuring a more supportive environment. Resources like specialized courses are highlighted, offering structured support for those navigating these turbulent waters.
On a brighter note, recognize the glimmers of hope when a partner is open to change. Effective communication, genuine apologies, and breaking negative cycles are signs of progress. We introduce the PMDD Power Couples program, which offers 90-minute sessions designed to provide tailored guidance and foster resilience. Whether it's seeking help or trying new coping strategies, these efforts can transform your relationship into a resilient partnership, equipped to handle the challenges of PMDD. Let’s embark on this journey towards a more loving and supportive future together.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk to you about what it's like when
you are needing a change inyour PMDD relationship and
you've talked to your partnerabout certain things that need
to change and you're gettingfrustrated because you feel like
you're repeating yourself.
You feel like you're having thesame conversations every single
(00:21):
month where you're telling yourpartner that you're not happy
with this aspect of your PMDDrelationship.
They're telling you thatthey're not happy, and it seems
like you're going throughGroundhog Day and PMDD, because
every single time you go intoyour luteal phase, it's almost
like the things that you'redissatisfied with are magnified.
And then, if you're the partnerthat doesn't have PMDD, it
seems like for two to threeweeks out of the month, you're
(00:49):
just seeing all of these thingswhere you're maybe not as
connected as you would like tobe, and it's just you're not
happy and you're not happy withthe state of the relationship.
You're happy to be with yourspecific partner.
So you know this is the personthat you want to be with.
You know this is your PMDDpartner, this is your person,
but you're not happy with whatthe relationship looks like and
you find yourself frustratedbecause you're going through the
same thing again and again andagain.
And what happens is you end upgetting burnt out because you
(01:11):
don't have the endurance to seeyour situation be in the same
place without any real changes.
And a lot of times when you'regoing to your partner and you're
telling them that you need tochange this area, you need to
take more accountability, youneed to stop saying hurtful
words, you need to learn how tomanage your PMDD rage.
You need to be more supportive.
When I go into PMDD, you feelgood initially.
(01:32):
When you're saying it to yourpartner, you're like, yeah, I'm
doing something about it,because I'm telling my partner
what's going on.
I'm telling them what needs toget done.
But then you get morefrustrated when, after you've
told them what needs to get done, nothing.
And what I want you to reallyunderstand is nothing changes.
If nothing changes and what Imean by that if you don't do
(01:53):
anything different in your PMDDrelationship, it's going to look
the same.
You're going to be living thesame reality.
And if you know that you canpinpoint the specific area,
because for everybody'srelationship is different.
But if you can pinpoint what isthe specific thing, that you
can pinpoint the specific area,because for everybody's
relationship is different, butif you can pinpoint what is the
specific thing that you're notsatisfied with in your PMDD
relationship and you know thatyou've communicated it then I
(02:13):
know you may be thinking well,dr Rose, what do I do?
I've told my partner what it isthat I'm not happy with.
I told them that I needed tochange.
I've threatened to break up anda lot of times when you do that
and you haven't gone anywhereand I think I have an episode on
this before, when you keepsaying that you're going to
break up but then you don'treally go anywhere it kind of
desensitizes your partner tohearing that you're going to
(02:34):
break up because you've said itso many times and you've not
done it.
So whenever they hear it, whenyou get so frustrated and you're
like maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we should just break up,
it's almost like a little bitannoying to them.
They're like, okay, here we goagain, like you're going to
leave me again or you're goingto break up with me again, and
they're not taking it seriouslybecause there's no action behind
it.
It's kind of like it makes youfeel good in the moment.
(02:56):
The ego loves when you go intoPMDD to sometimes you feel like
by making a stance and reallysaying you know I'm not going to
continue to deal with this.
At some point I'm going toleave, I'm going to leave, and
then you don't leave.
Then if you say you're going toleave again, your partner's not
going to take you seriously.
Honestly, I know from workingwith so many private clients
(03:20):
after a while it doesn't land,it doesn't do what it's meant to
do.
And a lot of times I know thatyou're saying that you wanna
break up to get your partner torealize the magnitude, how
serious you are about the issuesthat you're having in your PMDD
relationship and you're reallysaying to them listen, I'm
serious, I will leave thisrelationship if these things
(03:41):
don't change.
And if you are serious, if youreally really are serious, let's
have a chat right now, becauseI'm going to show you what it
looks like when your partner isnot going to change.
And the reason why I know thisis because a lot of times what
you're asking your partner to do, they don't need reminding.
(04:03):
Your partner knows what to doto make the situation better.
They know what to do, they knowwhat help, they know what
changes need to be made because,guess what?
You've laid it all out to them.
You've told them specifically.
This is what I need to see.
This is the change that I needto see.
This is the kind of security Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of safety Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of safety Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of intimacythat I need to feel in this
(04:24):
relationship if this is going towork.
You've already communicated that, and once you've said that and
nothing has changed, you'refrustrated, and so what I want
to let you know, to becompletely honest with you and I
know this from counselinghundreds and hundreds of
partners and PMDD sufferers somewill change and some will not.
Mdd suffers some will changeand some will not, and a lot of
(04:45):
times, the change isn't, itdoesn't come to fruition because
you finally told them exactlywhat to do.
They don't need the strategy ofwhat to do.
If they're going to change,they're going to change.
If they're not going to change,they're not going to change,
and there's nothing that you cansay and there's nothing that
you can do besides burn yourselfout.
I've been in relationships likethat before, where I have tried
(05:06):
to give them all the tools, layout the blueprint, all you need
to do to save this relationshipis this.
All you need to do is this.
I was doing double the effortto compensate for their lack of
effort, because I knew what itwould take in order for the
relationships to work.
But guess what?
They didn't want to change.
Because they didn't want tochange, it didn't mean enough to
them.
They didn't value therelationship enough for them to
(05:26):
change, and I can't value it forthem.
Either your partner values youand they value the relationship
and they're willing to make thechanges to improve the areas of
your relationship that iscausing you both to suffer.
Because guess what, if one ofyou is suffering, you're both
suffering, and either they'rewilling to do something about it
or you're going to be spinningyour wheels by over-explaining
(05:48):
yourself again and again andagain, repeating yourself,
getting bitter and resentfulover saying the same things when
they have no intention ofchanging.
And this was so mind-bogglingfor me, because I'm like who
would want to stay in asituation that you're miserable?
Like, of course you want tochange.
You're just there has to besomething that's preventing you
(06:09):
from doing it.
And it's like, no, there'snothing preventing them, they're
just not going to do it.
And I'm going to give you the 10signs to show you that your
partner your PMDD partner is notgoing to change.
They're not in the mindset ofchanging, but remember when they
want to change.
They're not in the mindset ofchanging, but remember when they
want to change they will.
And I'll show you what thatlooks like.
But I don't want you to wasteyour time repeating yourself.
(06:30):
It's almost like you have achoice to make.
When you realize that yourpartner is not going to change,
you have to learn to accept therelationship as it is or walk
away.
And I've done both.
I've just said you know what Iknow my partner's not going to
change in this specific area.
I just need to make myself beokay with it.
And a lot of times when myprivate clients are coming to me
(06:50):
, they're like they've stoppedasking for their partner to
change and they're like Dr Rose,how can I be okay with this?
Like, for one of my exes, I hadan issue with yelling, yelling
and cursing at me.
I don't care if you're cursingin general, if we're having an
argument.
I don't want to hear youcursing and yelling because
that's a trauma response for me,like I have childhood trauma
(07:10):
and that's it puts me in areally bad place and it makes me
almost want to act out ofcharacter in defense of that and
I don't want to ever see thatside of me again.
So I have to put up thisboundary of saying you know, I
really can't be in arelationship where this is the
norm, this boundary of sayingyou know, I really can't be in a
relationship where this is thenorm.
So I literally told my partnerat the time if we're going to do
this, I need you to stopyelling when you're frustrated
(07:32):
and cursing at me.
And then, of course, they'relike I'm not cursing at you, I'm
just cursing.
And I'm like yeah, but for meI'm not good with that.
That's a trigger for me.
And of course, it was likedownplayed and minimized and I
was like I was the problem,because yelling and cursing is
like this normal thing thateveryone does.
And I'm like at some point Ialmost convinced myself.
I'm like am I the problem?
Like is it that I amoverreacting to being triggered
(07:56):
by this and maybe I just need tobe okay with the yelling and
the cursing?
And that's basically what mypartner said at the time.
Like I and the cursing, andthat's basically what my partner
said at the time.
I'm not going to change yellingand cursing.
It's a part of who I am, it's apart of my character and I
don't see anything wrong with it.
So you pretty much need tochange your reaction and being
triggered to me yelling andcursing and as soon as you do
that, then we'll be fine.
(08:17):
And I was like my goodness,that was a sign.
He was literally letting meknow I have no intention of
changing this specific thingthat's triggering you.
You're gonna have to be the oneto change, but it's not gonna
be me.
And the sooner that I was ableto accept that like I didn't
wanna accept it at first I'mlike, if I'm more loving, if I'm
(08:37):
more like this, if I'm morelike this, then he'll change.
No, he literally was open andhonest with me.
I'm not changing this aspect ofmy personality, whether it
triggers you or not.
Basically I don't care if Ilose the relationship over this.
I'm not changing this area.
And I think a lot of times whatwe do is we don't really believe
the things that are coming outof our PMDD partner's mouth.
(09:00):
We don't believe what they'resaying.
We think that we can convincethem otherwise, we think we can
show them a better way.
We don't believe what they'resaying.
We think that we can convincethem otherwise.
We think we can show them abetter way.
We can give them an incentiveof changing, instead of just
literally listening and sayingyou know what they say, they're
not going to change, they're notgoing to change.
So when I got to the point ofactually believing this person
(09:21):
because I went through spinningmy wheels and all these things
and nothing changed I couldn'tbe mad.
I could not be mad at mypartner at the time because they
were very honest with me andthey showed me the signs that
they weren't going to change.
I'm going to use this oneexample, because there's so many
different ways that you maywant your partner to change, but
let's just use the hurtfulwords.
(09:41):
This is a common thing with allof my private clients is
hurtful words do a lot of damagein PMDD relationships because
of how much you're bothtriggered by the words and you
can't really take them back.
Yeah, you can apologize, butyou're always going to remember
what your partner said about you.
So it's kind of like one ofthose things where you may say,
hey, I can't be with someonethat yells or curses or whatever
(10:02):
, so let's get into it.
So here's signs for you thatyour partner, your PMDD partner,
the partner that has PMDD ordoesn't have PMDD, it doesn't
matter, you're both PMDDpartners.
These are signs that they're notchanging.
They're not going to change tomake the relationship better.
They're just not there rightnow.
I'm not saying that they cannever be there, but just know
what you're dealing with.
Like in my situation, I had toknow that I'm dealing with
(10:25):
someone that is genuinely notgoing to change in this specific
area, and the sooner that Icame to grips with that, the
sooner I was able to stopwasting my energy on convincing
them to change, showing themthat they should change, telling
them all the reasons why theyshould change, comparing them to
other people and saying you canchange, you have the ability to
change.
(10:45):
They know they can.
They're just not in the mindsetto do it.
And here's the sign Number onethey blame PMDD for everything,
instead of taking personalresponsibility for their actions
.
They use PMDD as an excuse fortheir behavior without making an
effort to manage their symptoms.
So this could be for thepartner that has PMDD.
They're making excuses andsaying I can't control my
(11:06):
emotions.
You know, I have PMDD.
I can't control my PMDD rage.
I can't control the way Iisolate.
I can't control the way I shutdown.
I can't control the way I getsuper clingy All of the things
that are causing an issue and atrigger in your PMDD
relationship.
Your partner's literally tellingyou I can't control it, it's
just PMDD.
I have no control over it.
(11:27):
And I'm here to tell you, assomeone who has suffered with
PMDD for over 19 years yes, youcan.
Does it take the strategictools?
Is it harder?
Does it cause effort?
Is it harder?
Does it cause effort?
Is it going to magically happen?
It's not going to magicallyhappen, but there is a way for
you to do it.
And with someone who's not goingto change, has already made up
in their mind that PMDD makes methis way and it is what it is.
(11:49):
They have no intention ofchanging because they're blaming
it on PMDD.
When you blame it on PMDDinstead of taking personal
accountability, then the onlything that can happen for you to
change is for PMDD to go away.
They're literally telling youthat as long as I have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,I am not going to change my
behavior in this specific way.
They're telling you, and you asa partner listening to that
(12:10):
need to really understand thatand really ask yourself is this
something that I can handle?
Because they're literallytelling you I'm not changing,
you're going to basically haveto accept this behavior or not
be with me.
And what my ex was doing at thetime was saying when I get into,
(12:32):
when basically when I was in myluteal phase, when I got into
PMDD it triggered him so muchand that's when he becomes
frustrated and that's when hesaid all the hurtful words and
that's when he was yelling andcursing.
So basically, because of thefact that I had PMDD, he was
always going to be this way.
So this was not a situationwhere he was taking personal
(12:53):
responsibility for his inabilityto manage his emotions.
He was basically saying becauseyou have PMDD and because
you're the one that triggers me,I'm just going to be like this.
And so the next time that yourPMDD partner is not going to
change and again, when I saypartner, I'm talking about the
one that has PMDD and the onethat does not they refuse to
learn more about PMDD.
(13:14):
So I have this course called myPartner has PMDD, now what?
And I've had so many of youreach out and say that you want
your partner to take the course.
You want them to understandmore about PMDD, specifically
PMDD relationships.
I talked to you a coupleepisodes back and said, just
sending your partner an articleabout what PMDD is, it's not
going to show them how to be amore supportive PMDD partner,
(13:36):
how to show up in the PMDDrelationship, how to get their
needs met in the PMDDrelationship.
And so if they're in this placewhere they're refusing to get
the course, you know that whenI'm describing it to you, it
resonates with you and it'ssomething that you need, but
they're refusing to learn moreabout it.
They're not willing to take thetime to understand how PMDD
impacts them and how it impactsthe relationship and how it
(13:58):
impacts how they're showing upas a partner.
They're not willing to do it.
So this is a sign that they'renot willing to change.
They know that they need helpin this specific area.
They've taken theaccountability.
Maybe they said you know what Icould be better in this
specific area?
And you're like okay, great,I'm glad that you're taking
accountability for it.
Now this is what you need to do.
You need to take this course sothat you can understand how to
be a more supportive PMDDpartner, because I'm telling you
(14:20):
I need you to be moresupportive in the relationship
and they're just like, yeah, I'mnot doing that.
Or they start making excuses fornot learning more about PMDD
and how to be a better PMDDpartner and for the individual
that has PMDD, they may be in aplace where it's like your
partner is saying you need tolearn how to control your PMDD
rage, you need to learn how tocontrol your emotions when
(14:41):
you're in your luteal phase andhow you talk to me and the anger
and the outburst and the verbalabuse and the physical abuse
and all these things.
You need to figure out a way tohandle this better because we
can't keep going.
Month after month, we've hadthese big, explosive arguments
and fights and things have beenbroken and things have been said
and the kids have even seen itand they're just like I don't
(15:04):
need to learn more about PMDD, Idon't need to learn more about
my PMDD rage.
It is what it is.
That means they're not willingto change.
They don't want to learn moreabout PMDD and what specific
help that they can get in thatspecific area.
They're not willing to do it,and so the next sign that
they're not willing to change isthey won't communicate
(15:25):
effectively during the lutealphase or when they're triggered,
they shut down, they avoid thedifficult conversations or they
lash out instead of workingthrough the issues.
Their communication basicallyis not conducive to wanting to
improve the PMDD relationship.
It basically sucks because youknow that there's something
(15:46):
wrong with them, you know that,you know they're shutting down
and you're like what's going on,babe?
Like what's going on andthey're not wanting to talk
about it because they're wantingto avoid another PMDD fight.
There's this level of avoidance.
That's basically saying youknow what I feel like every
single time we talk about thisissue it turns into a fight.
So I'm good, so they'reavoiding the difficult
conversations.
(16:06):
Maybe you're in this place whereyou're like we have a lot of
changes going on in our life andwe really, really, really need
to get PMDD relationshipcounseling sessions and they're
refusing to communicate aboutthe things that are really
happening.
During the counseling sessionsthey're saying I don't want to
get the sessions because they'renot wanting to address it.
But then every single time youhave a fight or an argument,
they're lashing out about theissues because the issues don't
(16:29):
go anywhere.
Just because you're not havingthe counseling sessions and
uncovering the issues doesn'tmean that they go away.
Just because your partner's notbringing it up doesn't mean
that it doesn't still botherthem.
And what happens is when youget in a fight, you get in an
argument.
That's when it all comes out.
That's when the anger comes out, that's when the bitterness
comes out.
That's when all of these thingshappen, because you can't heal
what you don't reveal.
(16:51):
Pmdd, literally, will try to ripthe blanket off of every issue
that you have.
But if you keep covering itback up and saying I'm fine, I'm
fine, I'm fine and just wantingto just enjoy your follicular
days, and almost like, live inla-la land, like you want to
live in this delusional land,that there's nothing wrong with
your PMDD relationship and trustme, I'm not saying that as a
(17:12):
way of shaming you or blamingyou.
I've been there too where I'vebeen like listen, we get along
great during our good days,during our follicular days.
I we get along great during ourgood days, during our
follicular days.
I don't want to mess that up bytalking about the issues that
we have in our PMDD relationship.
So let me just be completelyquiet during my luteal phase.
Let me hold everything in hold.
It in hold in my triggers.
(17:32):
Maybe I just need to learn howto just suck it up, holding it
in.
So I'm holding it in mypartner's holding it in and then
when we get in our folliculardays we're pretending like we're
completely happy and we're notholding all of this stuff in,
and the thing about that is notsustainable.
I understand if you're going tovisit family and friends and you
need to talk about a certainissue and you're saying, okay,
we're going to go in here, we'renot going to talk about the
(17:54):
issue, we're going to have agood time, because we need to
have a good time, we need toreconnect.
But then later on we're goingto have a session with Dr Rose
and really talk about the thingsthat are really bothering us.
That, I've seen, has been veryhelpful, because you're choosing
not to ignore your issues.
You're going to communicateabout them, but this might not
be the right place and time forthat.
(18:14):
So, strategically, talkingabout your issues is fine.
Just completely avoiding themand not communicating about them
is not sustainable, becauseyou're going to get bitter and
resentful, because yourpartner's never really going to
know what's going on with you.
So the next sign that they'renot going to change is they
reject any kind of help orsupport that you're offering.
You keep saying you need tohave sessions with Dr Rose and
(18:36):
they're refusing to do it.
We need to write down ourissues and our triggers.
They're refusing to do it.
Any kind of support that willhelp them in their journey with
PMDD they're just refusing.
They're giving you an excuse ofwhy it doesn't work.
We've already done this.
We've already been to therapy.
We've already been tocounseling.
You've already taken thesupplements.
You've already done this.
(18:56):
You've already given up.
When you get to that place ofmaking excuses and saying that
nothing that you can do is goingto change or it's going to help
, guess what?
That means that they're notgoing to change.
They've accepted therelationship as is.
Have you ever bought somethingas is and it has that little
disclaimer on it, basically likea car.
When you buy it as is, it'slike there's no warranty on this
.
We're not going to be helpingyou fix it.
(19:18):
It's like, whatever happens, ifit breaks down, it breaks down.
You're accepting it as is.
When someone is rejecting helpin the PMDD relationship,
they're basically saying takethis relationship as is.
So if you're on the other sideof that and you're not happy
with the relationship as is.
That's the problem, becausethey're not in the mindset to
(19:38):
change anything.
The next time that they're notwilling the mindset to change
anything, the next sign thatthey're not willing to change is
they keep repeating the sameharmful patterns.
If, every single month, youkeep having the same fights, the
same fights with PMDD, rage,with the emotional outbursts, or
the same shutting down and likereally getting rid of intimacy,
and they happen with no effortto change or improve, like
(20:00):
you're seeing the same behaviorsthat are triggering you.
You're seeing the samebehaviors that are making you
not want to be in therelationship, that are not
meeting your needs, that aremaking you literally say I
didn't sign up for this.
I had a client reach out thisweek and they gave me permission
to share this and theyliterally was like Dr Rose, I'm
done, I didn't sign up for thisand I really had to work with
(20:21):
them and be like, okay, well,what did you sign up for?
Because did you know that yourpartner has premenstrual dyswork
disorder?
Did you know?
You know what I mean, how it'simpact, how it was going to
impact the relationship and thework that was going to have to
be done.
And when they walked away andthey said I'm done, it's because
their partner was expectingthem to do all the work.
(20:41):
They basically sent them towork with me without taking
accountability for anything thatthey were bringing into the
relationship.
So that's the next sign thattheir partner wasn't willing to
change.
They expect you to do all thework.
They assume you should handleeverything.
You learn how to manage yourPMDD rage.
You learn how to manage youremotional outbursts.
You learn how to manage yourtriggers.
(21:02):
You, you, you.
You learn how to be patient andnot take PMDD personally
without taking accountabilityfor any aspect of the
relationship and saying you knowwhat.
We both need to work on ourPMDD relationship.
I have things I need to work on.
You have things you need towork on and for some people,
different things impact themdifferent ways.
(21:23):
So maybe your partner, who hasPMDD, needs to work on their
PMDD range.
Maybe you, as a partner, needsto work on stop shutting down
Every single time you see a signof PMDD and going and hiding
and hibernating because youdon't want to have another PMDD
outburst, because you cannot.
That's not sustainable for youto stay shut down and for them
to keep going off on PMDD ragebecause it's scaring you and I
(21:45):
get that for the partners thatare receiving the PMDD rage.
It scares you and it makes yougo into this place of shutting
down because you don't know whatthey're capable of.
They're acting so out ofcharacter that you're kind of
like I'm walking on eggshells.
That's what my program is abouthow to stop walking on
eggshells in your PMDDrelationship.
This is why I made that programfor the partners, because I
(22:08):
know that you're walking oneggshells, because you don't
know what to expect, becauseit's not the true character of
the person.
Like when you feel like youknow a person, it's like you
know what they would be willingto do and what they're not
willing to do.
But when your partner doesn'tknow how to control their PMDD
rage, you're like I don't knowwhat they're willing to do
because I really don't resonatewith this person, like I don't
know.
(22:29):
And so the next sign that yourpartner is not going to change
is they don't acknowledge howPMDD affects you.
This was something that I reallyhad to come to terms with
earlier in my journey, when Iwas suffering with PMDD and I
was in the depths of it, and Iliterally said to a partner one
(22:54):
time I'm like I'm the one withthe symptoms.
You don't have the symptoms.
This was before I got my degree, by the way, which is one of
the reasons that made me want tostudy partners so much to
understand what they go through,because I literally in my brain
, before I did all my research,I literally thought I was the
only one with the symptoms.
And what I learned through mydissertation which is right
behind me, which is the study ofthe partners of individuals who
(23:14):
are in PMDD relationships,specifically on the partners
Hundreds and hundreds andhundreds of pages in my
dissertation is only about thepartner and understanding their
struggle in the relationship andreally understanding the
symptoms that they genuinelyhave.
And one of the biggest symptomsthat really was the biggest
wake-up call for me, with mereally understanding how much
(23:38):
PMDD affects the partners wasthe suicidal ideations.
You know us who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
We're used to telling peopleour symptoms and saying you know
, one of the worst symptoms thatI have is suicidal ideations or
suicidal attempts, and we neverthink that the partner could
ever have that.
And again, this is not justresearch, this is interviews
(24:00):
with people all over the country, in over 60 countries.
Suicidal ideations was one ofthe biggest symptoms because of
the hopelessness, because of theburnout, because of the
caregiver burnout, because ofthe vicarious trauma.
All of those things impactedthe partners and nobody was
talking about how much thepartner was impacted.
(24:22):
So when you get to this pointthe signs that your partner is
not going to change they're notacknowledging that PMDD affects
you too as the partner.
They're not willing to changetheir behavior because they feel
like, because they're the onesthat have the symptoms, they're
the only ones that are impacted.
And so the next time that theywon't change is they won't try
any coping strategies.
They refuse to use any tools ontheir PMDD because they just
(24:45):
say I tried everything.
When you get into this mindsetof saying I've tried everything,
I'm not going to try anythingmore, that's when you know
they're not going to change.
They've literally given up.
They've literally given up in away of saying it's always going
to be like this, take it ortake it.
So the next thing that they'lldo if they're not going to
change is they'll make emptypromises to you and I've seen
(25:05):
this so many times, where theystart working with Dr Rose and
we're going to do this and we'regoing to do this, and then I
give you the tools and then theydon't come back for the next
month.
So the partner originally isreally happy.
They're like, finally, they'rewilling to get the help, they're
willing to do it, but it's notsustainable.
This is why I have my PMDD themonthly couples package because
(25:26):
you need ongoing support.
This is not a one-stop shopwhere you just go to one month
of sessions and you're cured.
There's so much trauma that isbeneath everything that has gone
on in your PMDD relationship.
If you really think about howlong it took for you all to go
through all that you wentthrough, the change is not going
to happen in one session, andso I'll be very honest with you,
(25:47):
and this is why the bulk of mypackages this year, in 2025 and
moving forward are packages,because it's not just one thing.
A lot of times what happens iswhen you have one private
session with me and you're notin any ongoing package, we'll do
a lot of work in a specificarea, and then you'll backtrack
by not having that continuoussupport, and then we start back
(26:09):
at ground zero, and then youcall me and you say, dr Rose, I
need a session because we'reabout to break up, and so it's
almost like this firefightermentality where I keep putting
out these fires in your PMDDrelationship which I can do but
then moving forward, there's nocontinued support, because then
you go through the next issueand you're back at square one
because you don't have thatcontinuous support.
(26:30):
So one of the ways that Ireally would advise you to get
the help is the PMDD PowerCouples.
It's a group counselingmembership that I'm just opening
up for the month of February.
It's just going to be launching, it's going to be all new, it's
going to be weekly counselingsessions.
It's the most affordable way towork with me.
I'm going to tell you right now, before you ask, it's only $97
a month.
So I know there's so manypeople that have said Dr Rose,
(26:53):
you know I saw your priceschange.
I want to be very transparent.
My prices have changed since2024, the ending of 2024.
And it's mainly to serve youfor everything that I'm putting
into your sessions, everythingthat I'm giving you, and I don't
want to leave anyone outbecause obviously the podcast is
very free.
You know it's free 99.
(27:14):
It's not free to produce it,it's not free for me to pour my
energy and do any of this, butI'm giving this to you as a free
resource.
And then also the PMDD PowerCouples.
We will meet on their groupcounseling every single week.
You can come on there with thequestions and it's really great.
And the reason why I started itis because I've been doing a
lot of group counseling sessionsfor just trauma.
(27:36):
So I have cause.
I am a traumatologist and Ihave a lot of clients who don't
have PMDD who are just goingthrough a lot of trauma in their
relationships and having thosegroup counseling sessions to be
able to just see sometimes it'sjust seeing cause.
The emails that I've gottenback is just to see that I'm not
alone and that we're not theonly ones going through.
This is so helpful and it'sgetting the tools.
(27:58):
So this is not going to beanother group where everybody is
coming in there talking crapabout their partner, talking
about how bad their struggle is,and you're not getting any
tools to actually change thingsin your PMD relationships.
I never leave you in a placewhere you're just exposing the
things that are wrong in yourrelationship without giving you
the tools.
I don't do that here on thepodcast, I don't do that in my
(28:18):
private sessions and I'mdefinitely not going to be doing
it on the group counseling.
This is not going to be aventing session.
It's not talk therapy whereyou're just talking about the
issues that you have in yourrelationship.
I'm actually going to addressthem and give you the tools,
just like I would as my privateclient.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with
and you're like Dr Rose, maybeI'm not in a place where I can
afford any of your packages oreven your private sessions, but
(28:41):
I can afford $97 a month, whichis less than $3.33 a day, to
invest in your PMDD relationship.
It's kind of like the next one.
They threaten to leave insteadof working through the issues
You're willing to break up withyour partner before actually
getting help.
Instead of finding solutions,they use PMDD as a reason to
push you away and constantlythreaten breakups every single
(29:04):
month.
This is a sign that they're notgoing to change.
They're always going to be inthis place of their solution is
to break up, and you'll be ableto see the pattern in your PMDD
relationship If you know that,like hey, my partner's saying
they're gonna break up again.
That's their solution.
That's the only thing that theyknow to do in order to feel
like they're doing somethingabout it.
I get it because, cognitively,the brain is like you need to do
(29:27):
something.
You need to do something.
There's almost this level ofanxiety that you'll feel if,
like, things can't stay the same.
So you saying that you want tobreak up seems like a valuable
solution, because it is asolution Like you're, like at
least I'm saying something, likeat least I'm doing something.
So let me give you the flipside of this.
Those were signs that your PMDDpartner is not going to change
(29:48):
in the PMDD relationship.
Let me give you 10 signs thatthey are willing to change.
So this is where all of you whoare, like I'm losing hope in my
PMDD relationship.
If your partner is showingthese signs, then that means
that they're willing to change.
You just have to be the one tohelp them by saying, okay, make
sure you're both on the samepage, because if things are
going to change in your PMDDrelationship, you don't have to
(30:11):
start off where you're bothwilling to change.
Like one of you, I work withclients where I'm just working
with one and then they're seeingthe positive changes and then
the partner comes later on.
But these are going to bereally good signs that they're
willing to change.
They acknowledge PMDD's impacton your relationship.
They're not trying to deny thefact that it's PMDD that's
(30:32):
causing a lot of the issues inyour PMDD relationship.
They recognize that PMDD isimpacting the both of you.
They're not recognizing it as away of an excuse of saying, hey
, pmdd is a problem, so what arewe going to do?
They're open to discussing howPMDD is impacting the
relationship and a lot of timesI know that's hard for the
partners who have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and aren't in
(30:52):
that place of just accepting it.
Because I know what you'rethinking.
You're like we have so manyother issues in our relationship
, like the only reason thatwe're fighting is not PMDD.
It's so many other things.
Yes, but PMDD is probably oneof the main things, and PMDD
will exasperate every singleissue that you genuinely have in
your relationship.
(31:12):
So I'm not negating the factand saying that you don't have
any other issues in yourrelationship, but PMDD is going
to rip the blanket off of it andunless you address it and get
help with it, pmdd is going tomake your life literally
miserable, not just for you butfor your partner as well, and
even the kids that are able tosee that there's no connection,
there's no intimacy, there's nohappiness, there's no intimacy,
(31:37):
there's no happiness, there's nolove.
All of these things.
It's not just impacting you,it's impacting everyone around
you.
So the next sign that your PMDDpartner is willing to change is
they take responsibility fortheir actions.
If you bring up something thatthey're doing, if they're saying
the hurtful words to you, ifthey're yelling at you, they're
cursing at you, instead ofblaming PMDD entirely for their
behavior, for being triggered,they admit when their behavior
has hurt you and they show adesire to do better.
They're like you know what,babe, you're right, I went too
(31:59):
far.
I went too far.
I really need to learn how tomanage my emotions.
I was just so frustrated and Iwas so overwhelmed and I just
need to learn how to manage thisbetter, because it really gets
underneath my skin when thisspecifically happens.
But I'm taking responsibilitythat I should have treated you
better.
That's signs that they'rewilling to change, because
(32:19):
they're recognizing that, yes,the situation sucked.
Maybe you backed them in thecorner, maybe PMDD happened and
backed you both into a corner,but they're taking personal
responsibility for their actions.
They're not blaming it on PMDDand they're not blaming it on
you.
And the next sign is they'reopen to learning more about PMDD
.
So they're actively researchingPMDD.
They're listening to this InLove With PMDD podcast.
(32:40):
They're asking me what are thetools that you have?
One of the things that reallyinspires me so much is when I
have partners come and say DrRose, these are things that are
happening in our PMDDrelationship.
What can I do to be better?
So they're open to learningmore about it and they're
willing to seek help.
Sometimes partners will evenbuy the sessions for the
(33:01):
individual that's suffering withPMDD.
They're like it really hurts meto see my partner suffering so
much with their premenstrualdisorder symptoms, and I know
that they're struggling withmanaging them.
So I'm going to get thispackage for them and it really
makes me like they genuinelywant to support their partner
but they just don't know how.
And they're willing to acceptthat because and that takes a
(33:22):
lot of it's like anunconditional love, because
you're not in this egotisticalplace where you're saying I have
all the answers, I'm the onethat's going to help you, I'm
going to go get this help.
It's kind of like saying I'mgoing to go get this help in the
area that I know I don't reallyhave the tools, but I know that
you need help in this area, soI am going to help you, help
(33:42):
yourself, and that's what asupportive PMDD partner does.
They see the area that thepartner is struggling with and
they don't try to pretend likethey have all the answers.
They're literally like you knowwhat?
I'm going to help you If you'rewilling to get help.
I'm going to help you on thisjourney, like, let's figure it
out, let's go over the budgetand let's because I know a lot
of you are seeing othercounselors, psychologists,
(34:03):
therapists for other issues thatyou may be having let's
prioritize this, let's move somestuff around.
It is possible they're willingto change things in your PMDD
relationship so that you can getthe help that you need, and so
the next sign that they'rewilling to change is they
communicate more effectively.
(34:23):
Even when it's hard, they'renot shutting down.
Even when it's hard and they'repissed off and they're
triggered, they're notdisrespecting you.
They're not blaming you.
They're not disrespecting you.
They're not blaming you.
They're not shaming you.
They're not criticizing you,even when they feel like they
want to, because I'm not sayingthat.
They're never going to feeltriggered and they're never
going to feel like they want toyell and scream and all those
things.
I mean, if you have PMD, youprobably feel the same way, but
(34:46):
they're trying really hard tocommunicate in a way that
doesn't do damage.
In a way that doesn't do damage, they're taking a walk, they're
pausing, they're doingsomething that's regulating
their emotions before they'retalking to you.
That's a sign that they'rewilling to change, because
they're willing to come outsideof themselves and their emotions
in order to monitor how theyare showing up to you.
That's the level of respect andvalue that they have for you.
(35:07):
And then the next sign is thatthey're willing to change is
they apologize and then they saywhat can I do to make it better
?
When they hurt you during PMDDor even outside of PMDD, they
genuinely apologize and thenthey're willing to take steps to
repair the damage.
Repairing the damage is soimportant because if you just
apologize and you just say sorry, that doesn't repair everything
(35:29):
.
It's like sorry, sorry.
Yes, I know you're sorry, butwhat is it that you're going to
do differently so that thisdoesn't happen again?
When you start to see yourpartner willing to do that,
that's showing that they'rewilling to make changes in the
relationship.
That is going to help.
And so the next sign is theyshow effort in breaking negative
patterns If they see that thesame thing negatively is
happening again and again andagain in a relationship, and,
(35:50):
instead of repeating the samedestructive cycles that are so
frustrating, they're activelyworking on handling their
triggers, handling theirbehaviors, handling their
actions, handling their thoughtprocess, rewiring their PMDD
brain to not react the same waythat has been causing damage in
your PMDD relationships.
And the next sign is they showconsistency, not just promises.
(36:13):
Change is visible in theiractions over time.
So this is what I mean byconsistently having that support
with either the PMDD PowerCouples, which is going to be
launched You'll see the link inthe show notes the PMDD Power
Couples they're making changeswith consistency.
They're saying okay, I knowwe're consistently going to need
help in this area.
I'm willing to be consistent tocoming on these sessions and
(36:37):
there will be replays availablebecause I know that I have
clients and listeners in over 60countries.
But you will get a copy of thereplay.
If you can't come live, I willbe coming live.
I believe it's going to be 12pm Pacific Standard Time on
Tuesdays, 12 pm Pacific StandardTime, 3 pm Eastern Time and I
believe that's like 6 pm UK timeand I believe that's like 6 pm
UK time, so I'm trying to spreadit out so that it is literally
(36:59):
available to you.
It's going to be a 90 minute.
If you're my private client, youknow I do 90 minutes.
I don't do anything in 60minutes and I think that's
number one.
I think it's what adds value tomy private sessions and how
it's been with all my privateclients, specifically when
there's two people.
Because when you're just goingto a counselor, therapist,
psychologist, all the things andyou're just getting 60 minutes,
it's kind of like when you geta massage and you pay for 60
(37:21):
minutes but then it takes youlike 10 minutes on the front and
you got to undress and then youhave five minutes on the back
end.
My best friend is a massagetherapist and she literally says
when you go to pay for amassage and you pay for 60
minutes, you only have 45minutes, what she calls hands on
body, like she's only workingwith you for actually 45 minutes
, because the time that it takesfor you to undress, the time
(37:43):
that it takes for you to laydown, the time that it takes for
you to put your clothes back on, there's only 45 minutes of
actual therapy going on massagetherapy going on.
So if you think of that in asense of having with two people,
that's not a lot of time.
That's like 20 some minutes perperson.
That's not a good value for me.
I used to do 60 minute sessionsin the beginning when I was
(38:04):
coaching and it just doesn'tgive you enough time to just
talk about everything thatyou're going through and get the
tools.
So this is why a lot of timeswhen you go to a therapist and
you get the 60 minute session,the bulk of that is just talking
about what's going on.
So it leaves very little timefor that counselor, therapist to
actually give you feedback.
And the feedback may be likeone or two sentences because
(38:28):
they're letting you get it allout.
What you need to do, but withthe way that my sessions are so
effective, is that you get achance to get everything out one
at a time, specifically withcouples, and then I give you the
tools and we work through thetools and we agree to the tools
and I customize the tools.
So there's a lot that goes intomy private sessions.
That gives you a lot of valuein that 90 minutes and that's
(38:50):
what's going to be going on withthe PMDD Power Couples Group
Counseling Community.
So if that's something that youknow that you need, you want to
get started and you're sayingthat you know I want to find a
way to fit it into my budget.
Go do that.
It's literally $97 one month,four different times.
You will be able to meet withme live or get the recording
(39:10):
with the tools on there.
So this is honestly the bestway that I can serve the bulk of
you who have been coming to me.
So I hear you and I'm providingthat to you.
So I want you to really think.
Just listen to this episode.
Send this episode.
Send this episode to yourpartner to get them to
understand.
Send the episode to yourpartner.
(39:31):
Send this episode to people inyour PMDD community, because I
don't want you repeating thepattern of burning yourself out.
We don't have a lot of energy.
The ones of us who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
we already do not have a lot ofenergy, emotional energy.
We do not need to be wasting iton someone that is genuinely
not gonna change.
And this is what I said on myvery first episode.
(39:53):
You can go back hundreds andhundreds of episodes is call
your partner out.
Do it in love, but call yourpartner out.
Let them listen to this episodeand say, hey, babe, like, based
off of this episode, it doesn'tlook like you're willing, like
you're saying that you want tochange.
You saying that you want thingsto be different in their PMDD
relationship, but you're showingsigns that you're not willing
to change.
Or I'm so grateful that you'reshowing signs that you're
(40:15):
willing to change.
Here are the next steps.
Here is what we can do, movingforward.
When you're getting to thatpoint where you're saying I see
that you're willing to change,maybe your partner is showing
the signs of the 10 ways thatthey're willing to change.
Okay, I love that you'rewilling to do this, that you're
willing to try new copingstrategies.
Hey, I love that you're willingto do this, that you're willing
to try new coping strategies,that you're willing to seek help
(40:37):
, that you're willing toapologize.
The next step is either to geta private session with me or to
join the PMDD Power Couples andget that ongoing, consistent
support in your PMDDrelationship, because PMDD is
not going anywhere.
You want your relationship tobe as solid as possible, to stop
those monthly fights andarguments.
So, until next episode anduntil I see you in our private
sessions or our group counselingmembership the PMDD Power
(40:59):
Couples.
Until next time we got this.
I love you.
Today I want to talk to you about what it's like when
you are needing a change inyour PMDD relationship and
you've talked to your partnerabout certain things that need
to change and you're gettingfrustrated because you feel like
you're repeating yourself.
You feel like you're having thesame conversations every single
(00:21):
month where you're telling yourpartner that you're not happy
with this aspect of your PMDDrelationship.
They're telling you thatthey're not happy, and it seems
like you're going throughGroundhog Day and PMDD, because
every single time you go intoyour luteal phase, it's almost
like the things that you'redissatisfied with are magnified.
And then, if you're the partnerthat doesn't have PMDD, it
seems like for two to threeweeks out of the month, you're
(00:49):
just seeing all of these thingswhere you're maybe not as
connected as you would like tobe, and it's just you're not
happy and you're not happy withthe state of the relationship.
You're happy to be with yourspecific partner.
So you know this is the personthat you want to be with.
You know this is your PMDDpartner, this is your person,
but you're not happy with whatthe relationship looks like and
you find yourself frustratedbecause you're going through the
same thing again and again andagain.
And what happens is you end upgetting burnt out because you
(01:11):
don't have the endurance to seeyour situation be in the same
place without any real changes.
And a lot of times when you'regoing to your partner and you're
telling them that you need tochange this area, you need to
take more accountability, youneed to stop saying hurtful
words, you need to learn how tomanage your PMDD rage.
You need to be more supportive.
When I go into PMDD, you feelgood initially.
(01:32):
When you're saying it to yourpartner, you're like, yeah, I'm
doing something about it,because I'm telling my partner
what's going on.
I'm telling them what needs toget done.
But then you get morefrustrated when, after you've
told them what needs to get done, nothing.
And what I want you to reallyunderstand is nothing changes.
If nothing changes and what Imean by that if you don't do
(01:53):
anything different in your PMDDrelationship, it's going to look
the same.
You're going to be living thesame reality.
And if you know that you canpinpoint the specific area,
because for everybody'srelationship is different.
But if you can pinpoint what isthe specific thing, that you
can pinpoint the specific area,because for everybody's
relationship is different, butif you can pinpoint what is the
specific thing that you're notsatisfied with in your PMDD
relationship and you know thatyou've communicated it then I
(02:13):
know you may be thinking well,dr Rose, what do I do?
I've told my partner what it isthat I'm not happy with.
I told them that I needed tochange.
I've threatened to break up anda lot of times when you do that
and you haven't gone anywhereand I think I have an episode on
this before, when you keepsaying that you're going to
break up but then you don'treally go anywhere it kind of
desensitizes your partner tohearing that you're going to
(02:34):
break up because you've said itso many times and you've not
done it.
So whenever they hear it, whenyou get so frustrated and you're
like maybe we shouldn't do this, maybe we should just break up,
it's almost like a little bitannoying to them.
They're like, okay, here we goagain, like you're going to
leave me again or you're goingto break up with me again, and
they're not taking it seriouslybecause there's no action behind
it.
It's kind of like it makes youfeel good in the moment.
(02:56):
The ego loves when you go intoPMDD to sometimes you feel like
by making a stance and reallysaying you know I'm not going to
continue to deal with this.
At some point I'm going toleave, I'm going to leave, and
then you don't leave.
Then if you say you're going toleave again, your partner's not
going to take you seriously.
Honestly, I know from workingwith so many private clients
(03:20):
after a while it doesn't land,it doesn't do what it's meant to
do.
And a lot of times I know thatyou're saying that you wanna
break up to get your partner torealize the magnitude, how
serious you are about the issuesthat you're having in your PMDD
relationship and you're reallysaying to them listen, I'm
serious, I will leave thisrelationship if these things
(03:41):
don't change.
And if you are serious, if youreally really are serious, let's
have a chat right now, becauseI'm going to show you what it
looks like when your partner isnot going to change.
And the reason why I know thisis because a lot of times what
you're asking your partner to do, they don't need reminding.
(04:03):
Your partner knows what to doto make the situation better.
They know what to do, they knowwhat help, they know what
changes need to be made because,guess what?
You've laid it all out to them.
You've told them specifically.
This is what I need to see.
This is the change that I needto see.
This is the kind of security Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of safety Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of safety Ineed to feel.
This is the kind of intimacythat I need to feel in this
(04:24):
relationship if this is going towork.
You've already communicated that, and once you've said that and
nothing has changed, you'refrustrated, and so what I want
to let you know, to becompletely honest with you and I
know this from counselinghundreds and hundreds of
partners and PMDD sufferers somewill change and some will not.
Mdd suffers some will changeand some will not, and a lot of
(04:45):
times, the change isn't, itdoesn't come to fruition because
you finally told them exactlywhat to do.
They don't need the strategy ofwhat to do.
If they're going to change,they're going to change.
If they're not going to change,they're not going to change,
and there's nothing that you cansay and there's nothing that
you can do besides burn yourselfout.
I've been in relationships likethat before, where I have tried
(05:06):
to give them all the tools, layout the blueprint, all you need
to do to save this relationshipis this.
All you need to do is this.
I was doing double the effortto compensate for their lack of
effort, because I knew what itwould take in order for the
relationships to work.
But guess what?
They didn't want to change.
Because they didn't want tochange, it didn't mean enough to
them.
They didn't value therelationship enough for them to
(05:26):
change, and I can't value it forthem.
Either your partner values youand they value the relationship
and they're willing to make thechanges to improve the areas of
your relationship that iscausing you both to suffer.
Because guess what, if one ofyou is suffering, you're both
suffering, and either they'rewilling to do something about it
or you're going to be spinningyour wheels by over-explaining
(05:48):
yourself again and again andagain, repeating yourself,
getting bitter and resentfulover saying the same things when
they have no intention ofchanging.
And this was so mind-bogglingfor me, because I'm like who
would want to stay in asituation that you're miserable?
Like, of course you want tochange.
You're just there has to besomething that's preventing you
(06:09):
from doing it.
And it's like, no, there'snothing preventing them, they're
just not going to do it.
And I'm going to give you the 10signs to show you that your
partner your PMDD partner is notgoing to change.
They're not in the mindset ofchanging, but remember when they
want to change.
They're not in the mindset ofchanging, but remember when they
want to change they will.
And I'll show you what thatlooks like.
But I don't want you to wasteyour time repeating yourself.
(06:30):
It's almost like you have achoice to make.
When you realize that yourpartner is not going to change,
you have to learn to accept therelationship as it is or walk
away.
And I've done both.
I've just said you know what Iknow my partner's not going to
change in this specific area.
I just need to make myself beokay with it.
And a lot of times when myprivate clients are coming to me
(06:50):
, they're like they've stoppedasking for their partner to
change and they're like Dr Rose,how can I be okay with this?
Like, for one of my exes, I hadan issue with yelling, yelling
and cursing at me.
I don't care if you're cursingin general, if we're having an
argument.
I don't want to hear youcursing and yelling because
that's a trauma response for me,like I have childhood trauma
(07:10):
and that's it puts me in areally bad place and it makes me
almost want to act out ofcharacter in defense of that and
I don't want to ever see thatside of me again.
So I have to put up thisboundary of saying you know, I
really can't be in arelationship where this is the
norm, this boundary of sayingyou know, I really can't be in a
relationship where this is thenorm.
So I literally told my partnerat the time if we're going to do
this, I need you to stopyelling when you're frustrated
(07:32):
and cursing at me.
And then, of course, they'relike I'm not cursing at you, I'm
just cursing.
And I'm like yeah, but for meI'm not good with that.
That's a trigger for me.
And of course, it was likedownplayed and minimized and I
was like I was the problem,because yelling and cursing is
like this normal thing thateveryone does.
And I'm like at some point Ialmost convinced myself.
I'm like am I the problem?
Like is it that I amoverreacting to being triggered
(07:56):
by this and maybe I just need tobe okay with the yelling and
the cursing?
And that's basically what mypartner said at the time.
Like I and the cursing, andthat's basically what my partner
said at the time.
I'm not going to change yellingand cursing.
It's a part of who I am, it's apart of my character and I
don't see anything wrong with it.
So you pretty much need tochange your reaction and being
triggered to me yelling andcursing and as soon as you do
that, then we'll be fine.
(08:17):
And I was like my goodness,that was a sign.
He was literally letting meknow I have no intention of
changing this specific thingthat's triggering you.
You're gonna have to be the oneto change, but it's not gonna
be me.
And the sooner that I was ableto accept that like I didn't
wanna accept it at first I'mlike, if I'm more loving, if I'm
(08:37):
more like this, if I'm morelike this, then he'll change.
No, he literally was open andhonest with me.
I'm not changing this aspect ofmy personality, whether it
triggers you or not.
Basically I don't care if Ilose the relationship over this.
I'm not changing this area.
And I think a lot of times whatwe do is we don't really believe
the things that are coming outof our PMDD partner's mouth.
(09:00):
We don't believe what they'resaying.
We think that we can convincethem otherwise, we think we can
show them a better way.
We don't believe what they'resaying.
We think that we can convincethem otherwise.
We think we can show them abetter way.
We can give them an incentiveof changing, instead of just
literally listening and sayingyou know what they say, they're
not going to change, they're notgoing to change.
So when I got to the point ofactually believing this person
(09:21):
because I went through spinningmy wheels and all these things
and nothing changed I couldn'tbe mad.
I could not be mad at mypartner at the time because they
were very honest with me andthey showed me the signs that
they weren't going to change.
I'm going to use this oneexample, because there's so many
different ways that you maywant your partner to change, but
let's just use the hurtfulwords.
(09:41):
This is a common thing with allof my private clients is
hurtful words do a lot of damagein PMDD relationships because
of how much you're bothtriggered by the words and you
can't really take them back.
Yeah, you can apologize, butyou're always going to remember
what your partner said about you.
So it's kind of like one ofthose things where you may say,
hey, I can't be with someonethat yells or curses or whatever
(10:02):
, so let's get into it.
So here's signs for you thatyour partner, your PMDD partner,
the partner that has PMDD ordoesn't have PMDD, it doesn't
matter, you're both PMDDpartners.
These are signs that they're notchanging.
They're not going to change tomake the relationship better.
They're just not there rightnow.
I'm not saying that they cannever be there, but just know
what you're dealing with.
Like in my situation, I had toknow that I'm dealing with
(10:25):
someone that is genuinely notgoing to change in this specific
area, and the sooner that Icame to grips with that, the
sooner I was able to stopwasting my energy on convincing
them to change, showing themthat they should change, telling
them all the reasons why theyshould change, comparing them to
other people and saying you canchange, you have the ability to
change.
(10:45):
They know they can.
They're just not in the mindsetto do it.
And here's the sign Number onethey blame PMDD for everything,
instead of taking personalresponsibility for their actions
.
They use PMDD as an excuse fortheir behavior without making an
effort to manage their symptoms.
So this could be for thepartner that has PMDD.
They're making excuses andsaying I can't control my
(11:06):
emotions.
You know, I have PMDD.
I can't control my PMDD rage.
I can't control the way Iisolate.
I can't control the way I shutdown.
I can't control the way I getsuper clingy All of the things
that are causing an issue and atrigger in your PMDD
relationship.
Your partner's literally tellingyou I can't control it, it's
just PMDD.
I have no control over it.
(11:27):
And I'm here to tell you, assomeone who has suffered with
PMDD for over 19 years yes, youcan.
Does it take the strategictools?
Is it harder?
Does it cause effort?
Is it harder?
Does it cause effort?
Is it going to magically happen?
It's not going to magicallyhappen, but there is a way for
you to do it.
And with someone who's not goingto change, has already made up
in their mind that PMDD makes methis way and it is what it is.
(11:49):
They have no intention ofchanging because they're blaming
it on PMDD.
When you blame it on PMDDinstead of taking personal
accountability, then the onlything that can happen for you to
change is for PMDD to go away.
They're literally telling youthat as long as I have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,I am not going to change my
behavior in this specific way.
They're telling you, and you asa partner listening to that
(12:10):
need to really understand thatand really ask yourself is this
something that I can handle?
Because they're literallytelling you I'm not changing,
you're going to basically haveto accept this behavior or not
be with me.
And what my ex was doing at thetime was saying when I get into,
(12:32):
when basically when I was in myluteal phase, when I got into
PMDD it triggered him so muchand that's when he becomes
frustrated and that's when hesaid all the hurtful words and
that's when he was yelling andcursing.
So basically, because of thefact that I had PMDD, he was
always going to be this way.
So this was not a situationwhere he was taking personal
(12:53):
responsibility for his inabilityto manage his emotions.
He was basically saying becauseyou have PMDD and because
you're the one that triggers me,I'm just going to be like this.
And so the next time that yourPMDD partner is not going to
change and again, when I saypartner, I'm talking about the
one that has PMDD and the onethat does not they refuse to
learn more about PMDD.
(13:14):
So I have this course called myPartner has PMDD, now what?
And I've had so many of youreach out and say that you want
your partner to take the course.
You want them to understandmore about PMDD, specifically
PMDD relationships.
I talked to you a coupleepisodes back and said, just
sending your partner an articleabout what PMDD is, it's not
going to show them how to be amore supportive PMDD partner,
(13:36):
how to show up in the PMDDrelationship, how to get their
needs met in the PMDDrelationship.
And so if they're in this placewhere they're refusing to get
the course, you know that whenI'm describing it to you, it
resonates with you and it'ssomething that you need, but
they're refusing to learn moreabout it.
They're not willing to take thetime to understand how PMDD
impacts them and how it impactsthe relationship and how it
(13:58):
impacts how they're showing upas a partner.
They're not willing to do it.
So this is a sign that they'renot willing to change.
They know that they need helpin this specific area.
They've taken theaccountability.
Maybe they said you know what Icould be better in this
specific area?
And you're like okay, great,I'm glad that you're taking
accountability for it.
Now this is what you need to do.
You need to take this course sothat you can understand how to
be a more supportive PMDDpartner, because I'm telling you
(14:20):
I need you to be moresupportive in the relationship
and they're just like, yeah, I'mnot doing that.
Or they start making excuses fornot learning more about PMDD
and how to be a better PMDDpartner and for the individual
that has PMDD, they may be in aplace where it's like your
partner is saying you need tolearn how to control your PMDD
rage, you need to learn how tocontrol your emotions when
(14:41):
you're in your luteal phase andhow you talk to me and the anger
and the outburst and the verbalabuse and the physical abuse
and all these things.
You need to figure out a way tohandle this better because we
can't keep going.
Month after month, we've hadthese big, explosive arguments
and fights and things have beenbroken and things have been said
and the kids have even seen itand they're just like I don't
(15:04):
need to learn more about PMDD, Idon't need to learn more about
my PMDD rage.
It is what it is.
That means they're not willingto change.
They don't want to learn moreabout PMDD and what specific
help that they can get in thatspecific area.
They're not willing to do it,and so the next sign that
they're not willing to change isthey won't communicate
(15:25):
effectively during the lutealphase or when they're triggered,
they shut down, they avoid thedifficult conversations or they
lash out instead of workingthrough the issues.
Their communication basicallyis not conducive to wanting to
improve the PMDD relationship.
It basically sucks because youknow that there's something
(15:46):
wrong with them, you know that,you know they're shutting down
and you're like what's going on,babe?
Like what's going on andthey're not wanting to talk
about it because they're wantingto avoid another PMDD fight.
There's this level of avoidance.
That's basically saying youknow what I feel like every
single time we talk about thisissue it turns into a fight.
So I'm good, so they'reavoiding the difficult
conversations.
(16:06):
Maybe you're in this place whereyou're like we have a lot of
changes going on in our life andwe really, really, really need
to get PMDD relationshipcounseling sessions and they're
refusing to communicate aboutthe things that are really
happening.
During the counseling sessionsthey're saying I don't want to
get the sessions because they'renot wanting to address it.
But then every single time youhave a fight or an argument,
they're lashing out about theissues because the issues don't
(16:29):
go anywhere.
Just because you're not havingthe counseling sessions and
uncovering the issues doesn'tmean that they go away.
Just because your partner's notbringing it up doesn't mean
that it doesn't still botherthem.
And what happens is when youget in a fight, you get in an
argument.
That's when it all comes out.
That's when the anger comes out, that's when the bitterness
comes out.
That's when all of these thingshappen, because you can't heal
what you don't reveal.
(16:51):
Pmdd, literally, will try to ripthe blanket off of every issue
that you have.
But if you keep covering itback up and saying I'm fine, I'm
fine, I'm fine and just wantingto just enjoy your follicular
days, and almost like, live inla-la land, like you want to
live in this delusional land,that there's nothing wrong with
your PMDD relationship and trustme, I'm not saying that as a
(17:12):
way of shaming you or blamingyou.
I've been there too where I'vebeen like listen, we get along
great during our good days,during our follicular days.
I we get along great during ourgood days, during our
follicular days.
I don't want to mess that up bytalking about the issues that
we have in our PMDD relationship.
So let me just be completelyquiet during my luteal phase.
Let me hold everything in hold.
It in hold in my triggers.
(17:32):
Maybe I just need to learn howto just suck it up, holding it
in.
So I'm holding it in mypartner's holding it in and then
when we get in our folliculardays we're pretending like we're
completely happy and we're notholding all of this stuff in,
and the thing about that is notsustainable.
I understand if you're going tovisit family and friends and you
need to talk about a certainissue and you're saying, okay,
we're going to go in here, we'renot going to talk about the
(17:54):
issue, we're going to have agood time, because we need to
have a good time, we need toreconnect.
But then later on we're goingto have a session with Dr Rose
and really talk about the thingsthat are really bothering us.
That, I've seen, has been veryhelpful, because you're choosing
not to ignore your issues.
You're going to communicateabout them, but this might not
be the right place and time forthat.
(18:14):
So, strategically, talkingabout your issues is fine.
Just completely avoiding themand not communicating about them
is not sustainable, becauseyou're going to get bitter and
resentful, because yourpartner's never really going to
know what's going on with you.
So the next sign that they'renot going to change is they
reject any kind of help orsupport that you're offering.
You keep saying you need tohave sessions with Dr Rose and
(18:36):
they're refusing to do it.
We need to write down ourissues and our triggers.
They're refusing to do it.
Any kind of support that willhelp them in their journey with
PMDD they're just refusing.
They're giving you an excuse ofwhy it doesn't work.
We've already done this.
We've already been to therapy.
We've already been tocounseling.
You've already taken thesupplements.
You've already done this.
(18:56):
You've already given up.
When you get to that place ofmaking excuses and saying that
nothing that you can do is goingto change or it's going to help
, guess what?
That means that they're notgoing to change.
They've accepted therelationship as is.
Have you ever bought somethingas is and it has that little
disclaimer on it, basically likea car.
When you buy it as is, it'slike there's no warranty on this
.
We're not going to be helpingyou fix it.
(19:18):
It's like, whatever happens, ifit breaks down, it breaks down.
You're accepting it as is.
When someone is rejecting helpin the PMDD relationship,
they're basically saying takethis relationship as is.
So if you're on the other sideof that and you're not happy
with the relationship as is.
That's the problem, becausethey're not in the mindset to
(19:38):
change anything.
The next time that they're notwilling the mindset to change
anything, the next sign thatthey're not willing to change is
they keep repeating the sameharmful patterns.
If, every single month, youkeep having the same fights, the
same fights with PMDD, rage,with the emotional outbursts, or
the same shutting down and likereally getting rid of intimacy,
and they happen with no effortto change or improve, like
(20:00):
you're seeing the same behaviorsthat are triggering you.
You're seeing the samebehaviors that are making you
not want to be in therelationship, that are not
meeting your needs, that aremaking you literally say I
didn't sign up for this.
I had a client reach out thisweek and they gave me permission
to share this and theyliterally was like Dr Rose, I'm
done, I didn't sign up for thisand I really had to work with
(20:21):
them and be like, okay, well,what did you sign up for?
Because did you know that yourpartner has premenstrual dyswork
disorder?
Did you know?
You know what I mean, how it'simpact, how it was going to
impact the relationship and thework that was going to have to
be done.
And when they walked away andthey said I'm done, it's because
their partner was expectingthem to do all the work.
(20:41):
They basically sent them towork with me without taking
accountability for anything thatthey were bringing into the
relationship.
So that's the next sign thattheir partner wasn't willing to
change.
They expect you to do all thework.
They assume you should handleeverything.
You learn how to manage yourPMDD rage.
You learn how to manage youremotional outbursts.
You learn how to manage yourtriggers.
(21:02):
You, you, you.
You learn how to be patient andnot take PMDD personally
without taking accountabilityfor any aspect of the
relationship and saying you knowwhat.
We both need to work on ourPMDD relationship.
I have things I need to work on.
You have things you need towork on and for some people,
different things impact themdifferent ways.
(21:23):
So maybe your partner, who hasPMDD, needs to work on their
PMDD range.
Maybe you, as a partner, needsto work on stop shutting down
Every single time you see a signof PMDD and going and hiding
and hibernating because youdon't want to have another PMDD
outburst, because you cannot.
That's not sustainable for youto stay shut down and for them
to keep going off on PMDD ragebecause it's scaring you and I
(21:45):
get that for the partners thatare receiving the PMDD rage.
It scares you and it makes yougo into this place of shutting
down because you don't know whatthey're capable of.
They're acting so out ofcharacter that you're kind of
like I'm walking on eggshells.
That's what my program is abouthow to stop walking on
eggshells in your PMDDrelationship.
This is why I made that programfor the partners, because I
(22:08):
know that you're walking oneggshells, because you don't
know what to expect, becauseit's not the true character of
the person.
Like when you feel like youknow a person, it's like you
know what they would be willingto do and what they're not
willing to do.
But when your partner doesn'tknow how to control their PMDD
rage, you're like I don't knowwhat they're willing to do
because I really don't resonatewith this person, like I don't
know.
(22:29):
And so the next sign that yourpartner is not going to change
is they don't acknowledge howPMDD affects you.
This was something that I reallyhad to come to terms with
earlier in my journey, when Iwas suffering with PMDD and I
was in the depths of it, and Iliterally said to a partner one
(22:54):
time I'm like I'm the one withthe symptoms.
You don't have the symptoms.
This was before I got my degree, by the way, which is one of
the reasons that made me want tostudy partners so much to
understand what they go through,because I literally in my brain
, before I did all my research,I literally thought I was the
only one with the symptoms.
And what I learned through mydissertation which is right
behind me, which is the study ofthe partners of individuals who
(23:14):
are in PMDD relationships,specifically on the partners
Hundreds and hundreds andhundreds of pages in my
dissertation is only about thepartner and understanding their
struggle in the relationship andreally understanding the
symptoms that they genuinelyhave.
And one of the biggest symptomsthat really was the biggest
wake-up call for me, with mereally understanding how much
(23:38):
PMDD affects the partners wasthe suicidal ideations.
You know us who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
We're used to telling peopleour symptoms and saying you know
, one of the worst symptoms thatI have is suicidal ideations or
suicidal attempts, and we neverthink that the partner could
ever have that.
And again, this is not justresearch, this is interviews
(24:00):
with people all over the country, in over 60 countries.
Suicidal ideations was one ofthe biggest symptoms because of
the hopelessness, because of theburnout, because of the
caregiver burnout, because ofthe vicarious trauma.
All of those things impactedthe partners and nobody was
talking about how much thepartner was impacted.
(24:22):
So when you get to this pointthe signs that your partner is
not going to change they're notacknowledging that PMDD affects
you too as the partner.
They're not willing to changetheir behavior because they feel
like, because they're the onesthat have the symptoms, they're
the only ones that are impacted.
And so the next time that theywon't change is they won't try
any coping strategies.
They refuse to use any tools ontheir PMDD because they just
(24:45):
say I tried everything.
When you get into this mindsetof saying I've tried everything,
I'm not going to try anythingmore, that's when you know
they're not going to change.
They've literally given up.
They've literally given up in away of saying it's always going
to be like this, take it ortake it.
So the next thing that they'lldo if they're not going to
change is they'll make emptypromises to you and I've seen
(25:05):
this so many times, where theystart working with Dr Rose and
we're going to do this and we'regoing to do this, and then I
give you the tools and then theydon't come back for the next
month.
So the partner originally isreally happy.
They're like, finally, they'rewilling to get the help, they're
willing to do it, but it's notsustainable.
This is why I have my PMDD themonthly couples package because
(25:26):
you need ongoing support.
This is not a one-stop shopwhere you just go to one month
of sessions and you're cured.
There's so much trauma that isbeneath everything that has gone
on in your PMDD relationship.
If you really think about howlong it took for you all to go
through all that you wentthrough, the change is not going
to happen in one session, andso I'll be very honest with you,
(25:47):
and this is why the bulk of mypackages this year, in 2025 and
moving forward are packages,because it's not just one thing.
A lot of times what happens iswhen you have one private
session with me and you're notin any ongoing package, we'll do
a lot of work in a specificarea, and then you'll backtrack
by not having that continuoussupport, and then we start back
(26:09):
at ground zero, and then youcall me and you say, dr Rose, I
need a session because we'reabout to break up, and so it's
almost like this firefightermentality where I keep putting
out these fires in your PMDDrelationship which I can do but
then moving forward, there's nocontinued support, because then
you go through the next issueand you're back at square one
because you don't have thatcontinuous support.
(26:30):
So one of the ways that Ireally would advise you to get
the help is the PMDD PowerCouples.
It's a group counselingmembership that I'm just opening
up for the month of February.
It's just going to be launching, it's going to be all new, it's
going to be weekly counselingsessions.
It's the most affordable way towork with me.
I'm going to tell you right now, before you ask, it's only $97
a month.
So I know there's so manypeople that have said Dr Rose,
(26:53):
you know I saw your priceschange.
I want to be very transparent.
My prices have changed since2024, the ending of 2024.
And it's mainly to serve youfor everything that I'm putting
into your sessions, everythingthat I'm giving you, and I don't
want to leave anyone outbecause obviously the podcast is
very free.
You know it's free 99.
(27:14):
It's not free to produce it,it's not free for me to pour my
energy and do any of this, butI'm giving this to you as a free
resource.
And then also the PMDD PowerCouples.
We will meet on their groupcounseling every single week.
You can come on there with thequestions and it's really great.
And the reason why I started itis because I've been doing a
lot of group counseling sessionsfor just trauma.
(27:36):
So I have cause.
I am a traumatologist and Ihave a lot of clients who don't
have PMDD who are just goingthrough a lot of trauma in their
relationships and having thosegroup counseling sessions to be
able to just see sometimes it'sjust seeing cause.
The emails that I've gottenback is just to see that I'm not
alone and that we're not theonly ones going through.
This is so helpful and it'sgetting the tools.
(27:58):
So this is not going to beanother group where everybody is
coming in there talking crapabout their partner, talking
about how bad their struggle is,and you're not getting any
tools to actually change thingsin your PMD relationships.
I never leave you in a placewhere you're just exposing the
things that are wrong in yourrelationship without giving you
the tools.
I don't do that here on thepodcast, I don't do that in my
(28:18):
private sessions and I'mdefinitely not going to be doing
it on the group counseling.
This is not going to be aventing session.
It's not talk therapy whereyou're just talking about the
issues that you have in yourrelationship.
I'm actually going to addressthem and give you the tools,
just like I would as my privateclient.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with
and you're like Dr Rose, maybeI'm not in a place where I can
afford any of your packages oreven your private sessions, but
(28:41):
I can afford $97 a month, whichis less than $3.33 a day, to
invest in your PMDD relationship.
It's kind of like the next one.
They threaten to leave insteadof working through the issues
You're willing to break up withyour partner before actually
getting help.
Instead of finding solutions,they use PMDD as a reason to
push you away and constantlythreaten breakups every single
(29:04):
month.
This is a sign that they're notgoing to change.
They're always going to be inthis place of their solution is
to break up, and you'll be ableto see the pattern in your PMDD
relationship If you know that,like hey, my partner's saying
they're gonna break up again.
That's their solution.
That's the only thing that theyknow to do in order to feel
like they're doing somethingabout it.
I get it because, cognitively,the brain is like you need to do
(29:27):
something.
You need to do something.
There's almost this level ofanxiety that you'll feel if,
like, things can't stay the same.
So you saying that you want tobreak up seems like a valuable
solution, because it is asolution Like you're, like at
least I'm saying something, likeat least I'm doing something.
So let me give you the flipside of this.
Those were signs that your PMDDpartner is not going to change
(29:48):
in the PMDD relationship.
Let me give you 10 signs thatthey are willing to change.
So this is where all of you whoare, like I'm losing hope in my
PMDD relationship.
If your partner is showingthese signs, then that means
that they're willing to change.
You just have to be the one tohelp them by saying, okay, make
sure you're both on the samepage, because if things are
going to change in your PMDDrelationship, you don't have to
(30:11):
start off where you're bothwilling to change.
Like one of you, I work withclients where I'm just working
with one and then they're seeingthe positive changes and then
the partner comes later on.
But these are going to bereally good signs that they're
willing to change.
They acknowledge PMDD's impacton your relationship.
They're not trying to deny thefact that it's PMDD that's
(30:32):
causing a lot of the issues inyour PMDD relationship.
They recognize that PMDD isimpacting the both of you.
They're not recognizing it as away of an excuse of saying, hey
, pmdd is a problem, so what arewe going to do?
They're open to discussing howPMDD is impacting the
relationship and a lot of timesI know that's hard for the
partners who have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and aren't in
(30:52):
that place of just accepting it.
Because I know what you'rethinking.
You're like we have so manyother issues in our relationship
, like the only reason thatwe're fighting is not PMDD.
It's so many other things.
Yes, but PMDD is probably oneof the main things, and PMDD
will exasperate every singleissue that you genuinely have in
your relationship.
(31:12):
So I'm not negating the factand saying that you don't have
any other issues in yourrelationship, but PMDD is going
to rip the blanket off of it andunless you address it and get
help with it, pmdd is going tomake your life literally
miserable, not just for you butfor your partner as well, and
even the kids that are able tosee that there's no connection,
there's no intimacy, there's nohappiness, there's no intimacy,
(31:37):
there's no happiness, there's nolove.
All of these things.
It's not just impacting you,it's impacting everyone around
you.
So the next sign that your PMDDpartner is willing to change is
they take responsibility fortheir actions.
If you bring up something thatthey're doing, if they're saying
the hurtful words to you, ifthey're yelling at you, they're
cursing at you, instead ofblaming PMDD entirely for their
behavior, for being triggered,they admit when their behavior
has hurt you and they show adesire to do better.
They're like you know what,babe, you're right, I went too
(31:59):
far.
I went too far.
I really need to learn how tomanage my emotions.
I was just so frustrated and Iwas so overwhelmed and I just
need to learn how to manage thisbetter, because it really gets
underneath my skin when thisspecifically happens.
But I'm taking responsibilitythat I should have treated you
better.
That's signs that they'rewilling to change, because
(32:19):
they're recognizing that, yes,the situation sucked.
Maybe you backed them in thecorner, maybe PMDD happened and
backed you both into a corner,but they're taking personal
responsibility for their actions.
They're not blaming it on PMDDand they're not blaming it on
you.
And the next sign is they'reopen to learning more about PMDD
.
So they're actively researchingPMDD.
They're listening to this InLove With PMDD podcast.
(32:40):
They're asking me what are thetools that you have?
One of the things that reallyinspires me so much is when I
have partners come and say DrRose, these are things that are
happening in our PMDDrelationship.
What can I do to be better?
So they're open to learningmore about it and they're
willing to seek help.
Sometimes partners will evenbuy the sessions for the
(33:01):
individual that's suffering withPMDD.
They're like it really hurts meto see my partner suffering so
much with their premenstrualdisorder symptoms, and I know
that they're struggling withmanaging them.
So I'm going to get thispackage for them and it really
makes me like they genuinelywant to support their partner
but they just don't know how.
And they're willing to acceptthat because and that takes a
(33:22):
lot of it's like anunconditional love, because
you're not in this egotisticalplace where you're saying I have
all the answers, I'm the onethat's going to help you, I'm
going to go get this help.
It's kind of like saying I'mgoing to go get this help in the
area that I know I don't reallyhave the tools, but I know that
you need help in this area, soI am going to help you, help
(33:42):
yourself, and that's what asupportive PMDD partner does.
They see the area that thepartner is struggling with and
they don't try to pretend likethey have all the answers.
They're literally like you knowwhat?
I'm going to help you If you'rewilling to get help.
I'm going to help you on thisjourney, like, let's figure it
out, let's go over the budgetand let's because I know a lot
of you are seeing othercounselors, psychologists,
(34:03):
therapists for other issues thatyou may be having let's
prioritize this, let's move somestuff around.
It is possible they're willingto change things in your PMDD
relationship so that you can getthe help that you need, and so
the next sign that they'rewilling to change is they
communicate more effectively.
(34:23):
Even when it's hard, they'renot shutting down.
Even when it's hard and they'repissed off and they're
triggered, they're notdisrespecting you.
They're not blaming you.
They're not disrespecting you.
They're not blaming you.
They're not shaming you.
They're not criticizing you,even when they feel like they
want to, because I'm not sayingthat.
They're never going to feeltriggered and they're never
going to feel like they want toyell and scream and all those
things.
I mean, if you have PMD, youprobably feel the same way, but
(34:46):
they're trying really hard tocommunicate in a way that
doesn't do damage.
In a way that doesn't do damage, they're taking a walk, they're
pausing, they're doingsomething that's regulating
their emotions before they'retalking to you.
That's a sign that they'rewilling to change, because
they're willing to come outsideof themselves and their emotions
in order to monitor how theyare showing up to you.
That's the level of respect andvalue that they have for you.
(35:07):
And then the next sign is thatthey're willing to change is
they apologize and then they saywhat can I do to make it better
?
When they hurt you during PMDDor even outside of PMDD, they
genuinely apologize and thenthey're willing to take steps to
repair the damage.
Repairing the damage is soimportant because if you just
apologize and you just say sorry, that doesn't repair everything
(35:29):
.
It's like sorry, sorry.
Yes, I know you're sorry, butwhat is it that you're going to
do differently so that thisdoesn't happen again?
When you start to see yourpartner willing to do that,
that's showing that they'rewilling to make changes in the
relationship.
That is going to help.
And so the next sign is theyshow effort in breaking negative
patterns If they see that thesame thing negatively is
happening again and again andagain in a relationship, and,
(35:50):
instead of repeating the samedestructive cycles that are so
frustrating, they're activelyworking on handling their
triggers, handling theirbehaviors, handling their
actions, handling their thoughtprocess, rewiring their PMDD
brain to not react the same waythat has been causing damage in
your PMDD relationships.
And the next sign is they showconsistency, not just promises.
(36:13):
Change is visible in theiractions over time.
So this is what I mean byconsistently having that support
with either the PMDD PowerCouples, which is going to be
launched You'll see the link inthe show notes the PMDD Power
Couples they're making changeswith consistency.
They're saying okay, I knowwe're consistently going to need
help in this area.
I'm willing to be consistent tocoming on these sessions and
(36:37):
there will be replays availablebecause I know that I have
clients and listeners in over 60countries.
But you will get a copy of thereplay.
If you can't come live, I willbe coming live.
I believe it's going to be 12pm Pacific Standard Time on
Tuesdays, 12 pm Pacific StandardTime, 3 pm Eastern Time and I
believe that's like 6 pm UK timeand I believe that's like 6 pm
UK time, so I'm trying to spreadit out so that it is literally
(36:59):
available to you.
It's going to be a 90 minute.
If you're my private client, youknow I do 90 minutes.
I don't do anything in 60minutes and I think that's
number one.
I think it's what adds value tomy private sessions and how
it's been with all my privateclients, specifically when
there's two people.
Because when you're just goingto a counselor, therapist,
psychologist, all the things andyou're just getting 60 minutes,
it's kind of like when you geta massage and you pay for 60
(37:21):
minutes but then it takes youlike 10 minutes on the front and
you got to undress and then youhave five minutes on the back
end.
My best friend is a massagetherapist and she literally says
when you go to pay for amassage and you pay for 60
minutes, you only have 45minutes, what she calls hands on
body, like she's only workingwith you for actually 45 minutes
, because the time that it takesfor you to undress, the time
(37:43):
that it takes for you to laydown, the time that it takes for
you to put your clothes back on, there's only 45 minutes of
actual therapy going on massagetherapy going on.
So if you think of that in asense of having with two people,
that's not a lot of time.
That's like 20 some minutes perperson.
That's not a good value for me.
I used to do 60 minute sessionsin the beginning when I was
(38:04):
coaching and it just doesn'tgive you enough time to just
talk about everything thatyou're going through and get the
tools.
So this is why a lot of timeswhen you go to a therapist and
you get the 60 minute session,the bulk of that is just talking
about what's going on.
So it leaves very little timefor that counselor, therapist to
actually give you feedback.
And the feedback may be likeone or two sentences because
(38:28):
they're letting you get it allout.
What you need to do, but withthe way that my sessions are so
effective, is that you get achance to get everything out one
at a time, specifically withcouples, and then I give you the
tools and we work through thetools and we agree to the tools
and I customize the tools.
So there's a lot that goes intomy private sessions.
That gives you a lot of valuein that 90 minutes and that's
(38:50):
what's going to be going on withthe PMDD Power Couples Group
Counseling Community.
So if that's something that youknow that you need, you want to
get started and you're sayingthat you know I want to find a
way to fit it into my budget.
Go do that.
It's literally $97 one month,four different times.
You will be able to meet withme live or get the recording
(39:10):
with the tools on there.
So this is honestly the bestway that I can serve the bulk of
you who have been coming to me.
So I hear you and I'm providingthat to you.
So I want you to really think.
Just listen to this episode.
Send this episode.
Send this episode to yourpartner to get them to
understand.
Send the episode to yourpartner.
(39:31):
Send this episode to people inyour PMDD community, because I
don't want you repeating thepattern of burning yourself out.
We don't have a lot of energy.
The ones of us who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
we already do not have a lot ofenergy, emotional energy.
We do not need to be wasting iton someone that is genuinely
not gonna change.
And this is what I said on myvery first episode.
(39:53):
You can go back hundreds andhundreds of episodes is call
your partner out.
Do it in love, but call yourpartner out.
Let them listen to this episodeand say, hey, babe, like, based
off of this episode, it doesn'tlook like you're willing, like
you're saying that you want tochange.
You saying that you want thingsto be different in their PMDD
relationship, but you're showingsigns that you're not willing
to change.
Or I'm so grateful that you'reshowing signs that you're
(40:15):
willing to change.
Here are the next steps.
Here is what we can do, movingforward.
When you're getting to thatpoint where you're saying I see
that you're willing to change,maybe your partner is showing
the signs of the 10 ways thatthey're willing to change.
Okay, I love that you'rewilling to do this, that you're
willing to try new copingstrategies.
Hey, I love that you're willingto do this, that you're willing
to try new coping strategies,that you're willing to seek help
(40:37):
, that you're willing toapologize.
The next step is either to geta private session with me or to
join the PMDD Power Couples andget that ongoing, consistent
support in your PMDDrelationship, because PMDD is
not going anywhere.
You want your relationship tobe as solid as possible, to stop
those monthly fights andarguments.
So, until next episode anduntil I see you in our private
sessions or our group counselingmembership the PMDD Power
(40:59):
Couples.
Until next time we got this.
I love you.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.