February 14, 2025 • 50 mins
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Feeling like you're constantly on an emotional rollercoaster in your relationship due to PMDD? You're not alone. We unravel the complex interplay between PMDD and relationship compatibility, sharing personal experiences of navigating the stormy waters of the luteal phase. Discover how you can question your compatibility without sacrificing your relationship's potential. We highlight the importance of recognizing relationship patterns and aligning with a partner who supports you through every phase of your cycle.
In the grip of PMDD, relationships can feel fraught with emptiness and devaluation. We dive into the emotional challenges that couples face, offering insights into gratitude, healthy conflict resolution, and the power of open communication. Learn from personal stories on how to manage the ebb and flow of emotions and how partners can adapt to these changes without compromising core values. Compatibility isn't just about enjoying the sunshine; it's about weathering the storm with understanding and curiosity.
We introduce transformative solutions to strengthen relationships affected by PMDD, including the PMDD Power Couples Group Counseling Membership. This community offers a lifeline for couples, providing shared experiences, communication tools, and a space to distinguish PMDD symptoms from genuine issues. Find out how this supportive environment can cultivate intimacy, trust, and emotional safety, helping couples break the cycle of conflict and build a resilient partnership. Join us as we explore how community and accountability can be a game-changer for personal growth and relationship harmony amidst the challenges of PMDD.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So today we are going to be talking all about one of
the questions that is alwaysasked in PMDD relationships and
the struggle that you haveprobably every single month when
you're going through strugglesin your PMDD relationship, and
that is am I compatible with myPMDD partner?
That is always the strugglethat happens when you're getting
(00:23):
to the point where you'rearguing, you're fighting and
you're really feeling like youknow what.
I don't even know if I'msupposed to be with this person.
I don't feel like we'recompatible.
Maybe I should just be withsomeone else.
Maybe if I was with anotherPMDD partner, that I wouldn't be
having the specific issues thatI have.
And I want to really give youthe tools that are really going
to help you with understandingwhether you're compatible with
(00:46):
your PMDD partner.
But the first thing I want youto really understand is that you
are not alone.
I have been in this place sooften where I have really
questioned whether I was withthe right person, and a lot of
times I've done that because,like I told you before, I have
chosen partners based off of myfollicular phase, when I'm in my
(01:09):
good days, and then I get intomy luteal phase and I just
really start to think maybe I'mnot compatible with my partner
not as a whole, but I'm notcompatible with my partner when
I'm in my luteal phase, when I'min PMDD, because they don't
like me in PMDD.
And I want you to reallyunderstand that there are
partners that will love andadore you when you're in your
(01:30):
luteal phase, when you're inyour follicular phase, when
you're in your ovulation phase,when you're in your menstruation
phase.
They're going to love youthrough all phases of your cycle
.
And a lot of times when you'resaying that you need to break up
, it's because when you get inyour luteal phase, they just
genuinely don't like you.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
There's nothing wrong with yourpartner not liking you in your
luteal phase, because guess whatA lot of times you don't like
(01:51):
you when you're in your lutealphase.
You don't like the way thatyou're acting, that you're
reacting, that the way you'refeeling, like you don't have a
lot of energy to do, and so Idon't want you to start beating
up your partner and criticizingthem for not liking the version
of you in your luteal phase andsaying that famous phrase like
if you can't handle me in my badphases, then you don't deserve
(02:13):
me in my good ones.
Well, here's the thing If yourluteal phase is causing your
PMDD partner to suffer, thenthat's the reason why they don't
like you in your luteal phase,why they might feel that you're
not compatible with them, whythey may feel that they can't do
this because they're notgetting their needs met.
So I'm going to go over some ofthe common reasons why you're
(02:34):
wanting to end your relationship, because you're genuinely
feeling like you're in thisplace where we're just not
compatible.
Maybe I should just start over.
Maybe I should just start fromscratch.
We're just not compatible.
Maybe I should just start over.
Maybe I should just start fromscratch.
I know for me I genuinely enterrelationships and my pattern in
the past over 19 years I'vesuffered with PMDD and my
(02:54):
pattern in the past is gettinginto the relationship when I'm
in my follicular phase andovulation.
For those of you who don'tfollow me on Instagram,
ovulation is probably outside ofmy follicular phase.
It's one of the best times ofmy life.
It only lasts for a couple ofdays, but it's when I have the
most energy, it's when I'm themost loving, it's when I'm
leaning in and I've noticed apattern of tending to choose
(03:15):
partners when I'm in that spacebecause I'm so outgoing, I'm so
loving, I'm so bubbly, and thenI just choose a partner who is
completely magnetized to that.
And then when I go into myluteal phase, I will admit and
it's taken me years to do this,because I used to be like I'm
still the same or I'm still thesame person, it's just, I would
(03:35):
say, within the past couple ofyears, and that's what my
previous relationship taught me.
I am not the same in my lutealphase and it's something that I
used to be ashamed about.
I used to be really ashamedthat I didn't have the same
level of high energy, that Iwasn't as open, that I wasn't as
loving.
I even labeled myself as havingan avoidant attachment style
because I was so intrinsic LikeI was like I'm an introvert, and
(03:59):
I remember my friend being likeno, the heck, you're not.
You're not an introvert.
But when I go into my lutealphase I don't have the energy to
do a lot of the things that Ido in my follicular phase.
But I'm also more introspectiveand it's a beautiful part.
What I've had to do on thisjourney is really embracing who
I am in my luteal phase andlooking at what kind of partner
(04:24):
I need in my luteal phase.
Who am I compatible with in myluteal phase?
Because if I was just going offof who I was compatible with in
my follicular phase, therewould be this big pool of
individuals that I can becompatible with because I'm open
, I'm loving, I'm bubbly, I'mnot really calling you out on
anything, I'm really good withthe flow, like it's easy to fall
(04:45):
in love with someone that isjust in that manner.
And then, when you go into myluteal phase, I overthink a lot
of things.
I have more stressors in mylife.
Things are more overwhelming.
I'm requiring more reassurance,more external validation, which
I'm working on, but it's stillthere.
(05:06):
Like that's one of the thingsI'm working on needing external
validation, but I'm very wellaware that I need it at this
point.
So I would say, wherever youare in your journey, if you're
in that place of like I'mworking on this, don't deny that
you need what you need.
Like I know that I'm on myself-love journey and I'm
getting to the point where Ireally want to be in that place
where I'm not requiring externalvalidation from partners for
(05:30):
friends and family, for anybodythat I'm with myself.
I'm completely whole, but rightnow I'm not there, so I still
need that external validation,and so I have to be aware that
everybody that I add to my lifehas to be able to add to that,
and it's something that I don'tneed to be ashamed with.
I, like I don't need to beashamed that I'm at a point in
my life where if I'm, if I'mwilling to put forth effort, if
(05:53):
I'm doing nice things for you,if I'm doing things for you
where I'm pouring into you, Iwant to hear that external
validation.
I want to feel like youappreciate what it is that I'm
doing.
I want to feel that it isreciprocated and there's
absolutely nothing wrong withthat.
And I think a lot of times whenwe're looking at getting our
needs met, we're like, oh, letme get to a point where I don't
(06:15):
need that.
It's like, no, I need that andI need that unapologetically and
I've gotten so bold andconfident in that area of my
life.
As far as dating is concerned,it's like, hey, if I'm dating
you and you're not giving methat external validation, then I
don't know that I want tocontinue this, because I know
the effort that I'm willing toput in.
I know the presence and thevalue that I have.
(06:39):
And if you're in a place whereyou just think that like, oh,
you can just take that forgranted and be like, oh, that's
just whatever, then like, that'snot for me, because some people
don't need that externalvalidation and I do, and I would
love to be in this place whereI don't need it, but I'm not
here right now, so I couldpretend right now that I don't
need it and find someone thatnever gives it to me.
(07:01):
I did that.
I was dating a person that wasvery stoic.
You know I was doing all ofthese things and they never they
never expressed likeappreciation.
They just it was this level ofarrogance, like they expected it
, and I remember feeling soemptied and devalued and
unappreciated and it just didn'tfeel good to me and I was being
(07:22):
the core of who I was.
I wasn't doing it for theirattention, affection and
validation, but I would haveappreciated it Like.
I know what it feels like.
It's almost like when someonedoesn't give you the thing that
you value, then it makes youvalue it even more.
And that's exactly whathappened.
When someone doesn't give meexternal validation for the
things that I'm doing, theeffort that I'm putting in and
(07:45):
just saying like I reallyappreciate that, just simple
gratitude.
I give gratitude every singlemorning, every single day, as
part of my PMDD morning routineand whether I'm in PMDD or not,
I give gratitude to God for somany things that I've been given
in this life and I don't takeany instance with my friends,
with my family.
(08:05):
I don't take it for granted.
If someone is doing somethingfor me, I'm making sure that I'm
letting them know that Iappreciate it and I need to be
connected with individuals thatare able to do the same, and not
just with words but withactions.
So when I'm getting into thesedating relationships and they're
acting like oh yeah, I'msupposed to get this and I'm
like a very like with thisentitlement, I feel like we're
(08:27):
not compatible because what Iwill do is I will pour so much
into you and I won't getanything poured back into me.
And it's not a quid per quothing where I'm expecting that I
do this for you and then you dothis for me, but it's a matter
of if I do something for you,show appreciation.
And not everybody is at thatpoint where they feel like they
(08:49):
have to or they feel like theywant to, and so I don't want to
pull anybody outside ofcharacter, and it's one of those
situations where it's like oops, I almost did it again because
I really was dating this personthat was aligned in so many
areas of my life, except forspecific ways that we just
weren't compatible, and I wasalmost willing, I was almost
(09:10):
willing to accept it and putmyself in another relationship
that really aligned with me incertain areas that we were
compatible, but certain areas wewere not, and so I had to pull
myself back and it was really,really hard for me because in my
luteal phase they wereproviding a lot of the things
that I need, which was theexternal validation, which was
(09:33):
the appreciation, it was thecommunication.
I felt very safe and securewhen I was in my luteal phase.
I felt like I could be myself.
I felt like I couldn't be.
You know, I wasn't going to bejudged for having lower energy.
I was still going to get thesame level of effort, whether I
was high or whether I was low,like all of the things.
But we weren't connecting onthings that I would have valued
(09:56):
in my follicular phase, whichwere the three F's they were
faith, they were fitness andthey were financial, faith,
fitness and finances.
Those were the three areaswhere we were not compatible,
but I was almost willing to letthat go because of the way that
they were compatible in theother areas.
So I'm going to go over the waysthat you can actually feel like
(10:19):
you're not compatible with yourpartner and you want to break
up and this is what is going toget you into these PMDD monthly
breakups and then I'm going togive you the tools about what
you can do about it, becauseyou're often going to feel like
you're not compatible with yourpartner when you're in PMDD,
when you're in the luteal phase,because you have these intense
emotional and relational strainsthat PMDD brings up when you're
(10:41):
in your luteal phase.
So the first thing is when yourPMDD partner gets into these
drastic personality changesduring PMDD, so PMDD partners
may feel like they are with twocompletely individuals every
single month.
This is going to lead to a lotof confusion and a lot of
frustration.
So if you're in that placewhere you're like we're not
(11:03):
compatible because I can't dealwith my partner being one way in
their follicular phase and thenthey get in a luteal phase and
they're completely different, Iget that Because you don't know
what to do.
You begin walking on eggshellsand you begin to think that you
don't know what they're capableof.
That's where the fear comes in.
The fear comes in becauseyou're thinking all of the
(11:23):
things that they're doing intheir luteal phase, they would
never do them in theirfollicular phase.
Like if she wasn't in PMDD, shewould never be talking to me
like this.
If she wasn't in PMDD, shewould never be acting like this.
So this is what's going to makeyou feel like you're just not
compatible, because you can'tdeal with the ebbs and flows.
You can't deal with the ups anddowns.
You know, if you're a male, youmay be saying like I'm not on
(11:43):
the cycle.
I'm the same way all month long.
Why am I supposed to deal withsomeone that is up and down and
I can't really predict how theirbehavior is going to be with me
?
I don't feel safe going homebecause I don't know what
version of you that I'm going toget.
Am I going to get the lute ofyou?
Which leads into the next thing,where you have these constant
(12:04):
fights and arguments during PMDD, where there's a lot of
irritability, there's a lot ofsensitivity, there's a lot of
sensitivity to rejection andeven small arguments, small
disagreements that you couldhave gone through in your
follicular phase, end up gettingto the place where they begin
into big blow-ups and they beginattacking your character,
saying you're a malicious person, you're a narcissist person,
(12:26):
you're all of these things.
There's a lot of name callingwith small fights that you could
have easily dealt with when youwere in your follicular phase
or when your partner was intheir follicular phase.
So the next thing is thisemotional distance and rejection
.
So PMDD can cause your partnerthe one that's suffering with
PMDD to withdraw, to really gointo a hole, to go internal, as
(12:49):
my exes used to say, where youreally have this emotional
numbness and, as the partner whois not suffering with PMDD, you
kind of want to get them tosnap out of it, and so there may
be this strong urge to just gointo your own hole.
So now, basically, you're bothin this place where you're
isolating yourselves from eachother and you're pushing each
other away because you'reinternally suffering with the
(13:12):
fact that your partner's intheir luteal phase, like the
partner who's in their lutealphase, is suffering, and then
you're suffering with theirreaction.
You want your partner to justcome back.
For the partner that doesn'thave PMDD.
You just want to see thatversion of your partner again,
and so you're feeling like youwant to really hide out.
You want to hide out until PMDDgoes away, and so the next
(13:33):
thing that happens is you reallyfeel unappreciated.
You feel unappreciated and youfeel unsupported.
So PMDD sufferers often feellike their partner doesn't
understand how much they sufferin PMDD, how hard it is for them
to hold in all of their PMDDirritability, their PMDD rage,
their fatigue.
They feel like they're showingup to their partner.
They're doing the best thatthey can and they're still
(13:54):
getting criticized for not doingenough.
And you're almost feeling likethere's nothing that I could do
to ever be enough for you.
And so you're getting to thatpoint where you feel like
nothing that I can do is goodenough.
We're just not compatible,because how can I be with you if
I'm giving you everything thatI got and it's still not enough
for you?
And I've been there beforewhere I really feel like I'm
(14:16):
going to squeeze the tube oftoothpaste, I'm going to fold it
over and give you everything,and then my partner has still
criticized me and blamed me fornot being essentially who I am,
freely in my follicular phase.
And guess what?
If you're suffering with PMDD,you cannot snap your fingers and
get back into your follicularphase.
And for the partners, there'snothing that you can say and do
that's gonna make PMDD go away.
(14:37):
And for your partner to justmorph back into the follicular
phase so you may be totally inlove with the version of them
that doesn't have to do withPMDD, but there's nothing that
you can do to make them get tothat point, except for just
allowing time to go by in theircycle until they get back to
that place.
But a lot of times you're tryingto rush it, like for me, my
(15:01):
PMDD used to be 14 days and Ithink about seven days in like
the beginning of the cycle.
Like my partner would just belike, really like acting like
everything was fine.
He's holding in the bitterness,holding in the resentment,
holding in the fact that he wasjust not happy with this version
of me.
But I guarantee you, by dayseven he was not happy and his
(15:21):
mood shifted and there wasnothing that I could do to pull
myself out of it.
And he would try to like dotricks like a circus, like if
he's super loving, if he's superthis, and because there was
this emotional numbness, therewas this avoidance.
He felt hopeless, he was likethere's nothing I can do to get
her out of PMDD and he didn'tlike that version.
(15:42):
And so when you're talking aboutcompatibility, it is can this
person and I don't wanna saydeal with you, but can they
enjoy you, whether you're inyour luteal phase, your
follicular phase, yourmenstruation phase or ovulation?
That's what I really had tounderstand and really come to
terms with and, really be honest, my partner loved and adored me
(16:04):
and liked me in my follicularphase, in ovulation, absolutely
Even in menstruation, when I waslike having my week of my
period that was like seven daysand I was just, I was still
loving, but I was just reallylike low energy Even that was
fine.
But when I was in my lutealphase and I just wanted to climb
(16:24):
into my hole, we were notcompatible.
We were absolutely notcompatible.
Because that whole time that Iwas in PMDD, he was thinking
that the reason why I wasn'tbubbly and I wasn't happy and I
wasn't loving and I wasn't openwas because of something that he
did and he began to take itpersonally and it didn't matter
whatever I said or did, he justtook it personally and I don't
(16:45):
blame him.
I don't blame him for thatbecause he just didn't have the
capacity to deal with thatversion of me in my luteal phase
and what that led to was thenext thing with the lack of
intimacy.
So PMDD symptoms like moodswings, depression, physical
pain, discomfort, body aches,all of those things it really
(17:05):
makes you feel disconnected.
If you don't want toparticipate in intimacy and I
don't just mean intimacy as arealm of sex, I mean if you're
not holding hands anymore I knowduring my luteal phase I would
get to the point where I wasn'tmaking eye contact at a time and
I know that's one of the mostpainful things for someone
that's really emotionallyconnected with you.
(17:26):
But I just felt like it was toomuch for me.
I was just like we would be inthe car and instead of me
looking over at my partnerwhenever he would talk to me, I
was looking straight out thewindow.
I was either looking straightor I was looking to the right
out the window and he wasconsistently trying to put
himself in my view to connectwith me and I just couldn't do
it.
I had this emotional numbness.
So when I got into PMDD he feltunloved, he felt insecure, he
(17:50):
felt unattractive, he felt likejealous, he felt like I didn't
want to be with him and I wasthe one causing him to have all
of these emotions because of theway that I was treating him.
So we were not compatible formy luteal phase, because I would
need to be with someone and I'mlearning this over time and I'm
sharing it with you.
What is compatible for me is tobe able to have me be in those
(18:14):
times where I'm able to zone outand my partner not take it
personally and that's not a lotof individuals I would.
I will say that you have to bevery secure with yourself and
very secure with therelationship and very secure
with your foundation, to be okaywith not being dismissed, not
being ignored, but just notbeing as open and loving.
(18:36):
And I'm not saying that I wouldbe like that every single month
when I'm in my luteal phase,but I do believe that there are
certain times where I really dogo internal during my luteal
phase and I just want to spendtime with myself and I don't
want to overstimulate myself,because overstimulation leads to
stress, leads to my symptomsbeing worse and I'm just trying
to figure out how to manage myPMDD symptoms.
(18:58):
And I know a lot of you arethere and you're feeling like
how can I go internal and reallymanage my symptoms?
And I'm with a person thatnever allows me to go to that
place without blaming me andcriticizing me, so where I feel
like I need to show updifferently, and then I become
bitter and resentful.
So that's the next thing is,you're resentful over repeated
apologies.
(19:18):
You often feel guilty about yourbehavior and every single cycle
, every single month, you'reapologizing about how you talked
to them, how you didn't talk tothem, how you were with them,
and the partners may becometired of the constant cycle.
They may begin to be like youknow what.
We're not compatible becauseI'm tired of hearing the same
apologies every single month,again and again and again.
(19:40):
I'm tired of talking about PMDDagain and again and again.
I'm tired of talking about PMDDagain and again and again.
I'm tired of you using PMDD asan excuse, because when your
partner's needs aren't gettingmet, there's a time where even
your apologies are like fallingon deaf ears as they say, like
they're hearing you apologize,but they're still feeling hurt,
they're still feelingdisconnected.
They're like, yeah, I forgiveyou, but there's no intimacy
(20:03):
there, and so the next way thatyou could potentially not be
compatible is you're blamingPMDD for everything.
Everything has to do with PMDD.
Some partners feel like everyissue in the relationship should
get blamed on PMDD and it makesit seem like your feelings or
concerns don't matter.
As the one that's sufferingwith PMDD Compatible with
(20:25):
someone that literally is inthat place where it's like hey,
just remember, you're the onethat has PMDD, you're the one
with the problem.
So if there's ever an issue inthis relationship, it obviously
is because of PMDD and I don'thave PMDD and you do so.
Then you become the scapegoat,you become the reason of every
issue that genuine issues inyour PMDD relationship.
(20:57):
Does PMDD magnify them?
Absolutely.
Is PMDD the cause of them?
Absolutely not.
Pmdd rips the blanket off ofevery issue that you already
have with your partner.
It doesn't always create them.
Sometimes it can create anissue that wasn't already there,
like little things, where it'slike oh, I don't like when you
do this, I don't like when youdo this, like for me it was
snoring.
(21:17):
I couldn't stand when mypartner snored, but when I was
in my follicular days I was fine.
So PMDD created that issue forme and my PMDD partner at the
time, and I had to recognizethat that wasn't for me to blame
and shame my partner, which Imade the mistake of doing, like
oh my gosh, they're maliciouslysnoring.
No, they were just snoring.
We were not compatible for myluteal phase.
(21:39):
So when I say, are youcompatible, think about the
symptoms that you have.
I'm going to help you with thisright now, because this is what
I would do with my privateclients.
Think about the symptoms thatyou have impunity, write them
out and then think about whatkind of individual would trigger
those symptoms For me.
I have misophonia, which is asensitivity to noise, which
means and it sounds weird, buteven when I'm dating people, I
(22:01):
always ask them Couple dates andI'm like, hey, do you snore?
And I know that's a weirdquestion to ask, but the reason
why I'm asking is for the future.
It's because, if you snore,there's a potential that we are
going to have an issue because Ihave misophonia.
It is me, me.
I'm the problem.
It's me.
I have an issue with misophonia.
(22:22):
So I know that if I'm in arelationship with you and you
snore, I'm going to potentiallystart to get bitter and
resentful for that, because whenI get into my, my luteal phase.
I don't even like when my doglicks himself.
At this point Like.
My dog sleeps on the foot of mybed.
His name is Leo I don't want tosay his name because he's going
(22:42):
to look over at me but he lickshimself and for me it sounds,
oh my gosh, so loud.
Whenever he licks himself,whenever he shakes himself,
whenever he does like justlittle things, it sounds so loud
for me, and that's a me problem.
It's am I going to get rid ofmy dog?
Am I going to say, oh my gosh,my dog is an issue?
(23:02):
No, I'm recognizing like duringmy luteal phase, I hear things
louder than they actually are.
So a lot of the times whenyou're thinking about
compatibility, be honest withyourself.
If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, it's not a
matter of blaming yourself andshaming yourself, but it's a
matter of understanding who youare and what it is that you
require in your luteal phase.
(23:24):
And so I require someone thatdoes not snore.
I'm not saying you have to becompletely quiet, because I've
dated people or been with peoplethat that snore a little bit.
But if it's this loud likenon-consistent, like if it's
loud up and down and it getslouder and lower and louder.
Like I can't.
Like I can't if there's toomany ebbs and flows.
Like I already live by a train.
(23:44):
Like I moved into this condoalmost two years ago and they
said, oh, you may or may nothear the train.
No, I hear it all the time andit sounds like nails on a
chalkboard.
It sounds horrible.
So I know, whoever I'm with inmy luteal phase, I just need to
date for someone that doesn'tsnore and it doesn't make them a
(24:04):
great person because they don'tsnore.
That's just one of the things.
So the next thing is theexhaustion from the monthly
roller coaster.
You may feel emotionallydrained from your partner
because the constant cycle offights and repairing the fights
and then repeating the fightsand having the intrusive
thoughts and you're feeling likeyou're going to give up.
This is ways that you may sayyou know what?
(24:26):
We're not compatible because ofall these things that are going
on.
And so the next thing is thedoubt of the future.
You really start to feel like Idon't know how much more I can
deal with.
I don't know how much more Ican handle in this relationship,
(24:47):
because I feel like I'm doingmy best and you're still
complaining, you're stillblaming me, you're still shaming
me, and you get to this pointwhere you're feeling like
nothing you do is ever going tobe good enough.
And so you may feel like maybewe're just not compatible, maybe
we just shouldn't be togetherand it's going to lead to those
(25:07):
PMDD monthly breakups.
Because when you feel likeyou've done everything that you
could do, you've done everythingthat you can do, and your
partner is still complaining,you get to the point where
you're just like you know what,maybe we just shouldn't be
together, maybe I should be withsomeone else.
That doesn't that these thingsdon't strategically want to
(25:29):
cause them to break up.
And I just want you tounderstand that these are things
that PMDD really, really,really start to talk to you
about and you're just saying,like you know, you don't
understand me, you don'tunderstand the core of who I am,
you don't understand mystruggle, and if you don't
understand it now, you're nevergoing to understand it.
(25:50):
And then the last way is youfeel like you're walking on
eggshells and I have my programfor that for partners and it's
still on sale right now.
You go to inlovewithpmddcomit's called my partner has pmdd
now what?
And it's strategically designedfor partners and it is
basically helping partners withunderstanding how to be a more
(26:11):
supportive PMDD partner, becausepartners often they fear
triggering an emotional reactionout of you If you have PMDD.
They're walking on eggshellsbecause they're feeling like any
little thing that they say canmake you go off on them or PMDD
rage and they don't know how tohandle it.
They genuinely do not know howto handle it.
They genuinely do not know howto handle it.
(26:31):
So if you're feeling like, yeah,I've literally said that I
don't feel like I'm compatiblewith my partner during PMDD, so
let's go over some ways that youcan really determine if you're
compatible with your PMDDpartner.
And I've used this for datingand I'm going to share it with
you right now.
I'm giving you my blueprintbecause right now I told you I
need to date for who can be bestfor me, not just in my
(26:56):
follicular phase, but also in myluteal phase, because PMDD is
not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm not going to be delusionaland I really felt like, oops.
I did it again because thatalmost shows a partner just
based off of my follicular phase, because it's easier to do that
.
You're more open and you'remore loving and accepting, and
you see all the red flags andyou want to paint them green
when you're in your follicularphase.
(27:16):
And then you get in your lutealphase and you're like, why did
I do that?
So here are some ways that youcan really determine if you're
compatible with your PMDDpartner, and that is number one
observe how you handle conflictstogether.
So one of the biggest thingsthat I was really attracted to
with one of the previous guysthat I was just dating was we
(27:37):
had a lot of conflict early onand the way that we handled
conflict was very, very healthy.
I don't think I've ever handledconflict with someone as
healthy as a person that I wasdating, which made it really
hard for me to break it off,because I was like, wow, like
that was conflict, likebasically a situation would
happen, a misunderstanding wouldhappen, and then later on we
(28:00):
would talk about it, and he wasa very active listener where I
was saying my part and he waslike he literally had things
that he wanted to say.
He was like no, no, no, I havethings I want to say, but I'm
going to let you talk, and thenhe let me get everything out,
and a lot of times I was gettingit out in a very emotional way,
specifically when I was in PMDD, and I was like this is how I
feel about this and this is howI feel about that.
(28:21):
And there was never anyjudgment for the way that I was
expressing myself.
Was I name calling, was Iblaming, was I shaming, was I
cursing?
No, I was just expressing meand how I felt, and he gave me
that safe space to do it and Ifelt good about that, because
sometimes you just need to getit out.
When you're dealing withconflict, when you're dealing
(28:41):
with frustration, you justreally need to get it out.
And until you get it out, youdon't feel seen, you don't feel
heard, the issue is notdissolved, it's still going to
be like a pending issue.
So I let me get everything out.
And he said I really understandhow you could feel like that.
I didn't see it that way.
So there was a level ofvalidation of saying like, hey,
I didn't see it that way.
I can see your point of viewand I'm sorry that I made you
(29:04):
feel that way, because I alwaysended it with this is what
happened, this is how Iperceived it and this is how I
felt because of it.
And he reassured me and waslike hey, I never meant to make
you feel that way.
I'm really sorry, it wasn'tlike you shouldn't feel that way
or that's so stupid.
Why would you feel that way?
There was a level of validationand acceptance for my
experience which made me, inturn, want to hear what was your
(29:28):
experience like, what did youthink about the situation?
And then he, in turn, talkedabout it and I was like oh, I
like I didn't see that that wayeither.
And then we kind of laughedabout it.
We talked about it a little bitmore and I was like okay,
moving forward, I know a way toprevent this from happening
again.
And he was like yeah, me too.
Now I know that this is atrigger for you or this is
(29:49):
something that you don't like,and I'm not going to do it again
because I always want you tofeel cherished, valued, all the
things.
And then that's how we handledconflict.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
So this showed me that we hadways to de-escalate the tension
that was going on in theargument and repair it after the
argument.
(30:09):
So, in the moment he allowed meto talk, I allowed him to talk.
Therefore, there was ade-escalation.
It wasn't an interrupting, itwasn't a blaming, a shaming, a
criticism, defensiveness, no, itwas a genuine curiosity, like I
genuinely want to know how youfeel about this I.
(30:30):
It was a genuine curiosity,like I genuinely want to know
how you feel about this, and hegenuinely wanted to know how I
felt about it.
And then, how do we repair it?
After the argument, we kind ofdid a debrief.
It was like okay, so movingforward, I know that you don't
like that.
I actually am glad that we wentthrough that, because now I
know that you don't like thatand we don't have to go through
that again.
And so the disagreements didn'tturn into a personal attack.
We communicated with respectand it actually brought us
(30:53):
closer.
So that was the first way ofshowing me that we were
compatible in that specific way.
Was that the only way that weneeded to be compatible?
But no, that's the first signof how do you handle conflicts
together.
I used to think thatcompatibility had to do with how
you handle the good times, butthen I really learned that
compatibility really has to dowith how you handle the bad
(31:14):
times.
What do you allow to come out?
Do you disrespect the person inthe bad times?
Do you not allow yourself toprocess what it is you're going
through before you'reinteracting with the person?
Do you just yell at them andcurse at them and shout at them?
Because I've been with partnersbefore in the past that just
brought that side out of me.
I'm not saying that there'sanything wrong with them, but
I've literally been with peoplethat have brought that side
(31:36):
where I immediately get angry, Iimmediately get triggered
because they weren't allowing meto be seen and heard and so
another side of me came out andso we were not compatible
because when conflict came, thatother side of me was going to
come out.
I didn't want that other sideof me to come out and it was
kind of like they couldn'tcontrol it.
I couldn't control it.
(31:56):
So we were in this situationwhere it's like, yeah, this is
pretty much not healthy for theboth of us.
And so the next way that you candetermine if you're compatible
is you assess your emotionalsafety with the person.
Do you feel emotionally safe toexpress your feelings?
Even in the times that you'rehaving the fights and the
arguments, can you just stop andsay, hey, this is how I'm
(32:17):
feeling?
Can you be open, real and rawwith them, and that's what I was
able to do with this person.
I was able to just be likelisten, I understand that we're
going through this conflict, butlike this is how I'm feeling,
or does your partner try tojudge you rather than understand
you?
If so, you feel like yourpartner is going to criticize
you and judge you.
You're not going to be open andvulnerable in the midst of
(32:38):
conflict.
It's just not going to happen.
So you're not going to becompatible when it comes to
conflict.
And guess what?
Conflict is going to happen.
So, especially in the lutealphase, conflict is going to
happen in the luteal phase,conflict is going to happen in
the luteal phase, and you needto be with someone that can
manage that.
And so you look at patterns.
So the next thing is you reallyreally look at patterns.
Maybe you have one or twocycles, one or two months, where
you have a big PMDD blow up,because you had a really big
(33:00):
instance that's happened in yourPMDD relationship and you
really want to ask yourself wasthis month really bad because of
external stressors, or is thisjust every single month?
If you have a big blow up withyour partner, that doesn't mean
that you're not compatible.
It just means that you had areally bad month and that's okay
.
But if you're having thisconsistent pattern of it always
(33:21):
being intense, of you alwayswalking on eggshells, that's
when it may be that situationwhere it's like we're not
compatible because we've notdealt with six months ago and
now we're going on seven monthsand eight months and every
single month we're dealing withthe issue but we're not in a
place where we can actually dealwith it.
So when you ask yourself, areyou compatible, ask yourself
this question Do you notice apattern of small improvements
(33:43):
over time and the way thatyou're handling conflict, or is
it progressively getting worse?
Because if it's progressivelygetting worse, you need to get
help, because that means you'regetting trauma piled on top of
each other again and again andagain.
And that's why I created thePMDD Power Couples membership to
really unravel the trauma thatcan be happening in your
(34:04):
relationship on a weekly basis,because once it starts to pile
up on you, then it's harder todig yourself out of it.
And when you get to that pointwhere you're like, oh, I wanna
break up, it's like you're notbreaking up because of this one
issue.
You're breaking up over monthsand months and months of issues
that you haven't addressed.
So if you haven't gone to thelink in my bio and join, we
start sessions this month.
(34:24):
So make sure that you'rejoining the PMDD Power Couples
membership, because this isgoing to be a safe place.
This is going to be a level ofaccountability where you're
going to be able to deal withwhat is going on in your PMDD
relationship on a weekly basisto where you're going to be able
to hold you accountable, holdyour partner accountable, to
whatever is coming up.
You're going to be able to getthis expert advice.
It's almost like having aprivate session with me every
(34:46):
single week.
This is the most affordable wayof working with me.
It's only $97 a month, which isa true bargain because you're
getting literally weekly groupcounseling sessions with me.
So if you've not joined, makesure you join.
And the next thing is you'rechecking for mutual effort and
understanding in PMDD.
(35:07):
Is your partner consistentlytrying to learn more about PMDD?
That's going to show whetherthey're compatible.
Are they interested in what youhave going on?
I've had partners who have PMDDand or clients have PMDD and
they have, you know, partnersthat have ADHD and PTSD and all
of these other things.
Like I said, I've had partnerswho have PTSD and I got very
(35:31):
well versed with PTSD ADHD,anxiety, depression, seasonal
depression.
When I found out what mypartners had and what disorder
they had or what thing that wascausing them to struggle, I
dived into it to find out moreabout it, find out what I need
to do as a partner to help themin the struggle.
It's not about them doing itall on their own.
(35:54):
It's like is your partner opento learning tools to support you
, or do they resist makingadjustments in their lives and
putting the blame on you andsaying, hey, it's you, you're
the one that has PMDD, Ishouldn't need to change
anything.
You're probably not compatibleif they're gonna put it all on
you because, guess what?
At any point, anything canhappen with your partner.
They can have another disorder,they can have another thing
(36:15):
happen to them, and then arethey gonna be expecting you to
be there for them?
Absolutely so.
God forbid.
Your partner get cancer.
Are you gonna be?
Oh, my partner has cancer, Idon't have anything to do with
it.
No, you're going to startresearching what you need to do
for their cancer treatments,what you need to do as a partner
to help them in their thing.
(36:35):
Pmdd, it's the same thing.
Whatever your partner is goingthrough, you need to be invested
and that's the way that you'reshowing that you're compatible.
It's like I'm understanding thestruggle that you're going
through.
I'm not committed to healingthe journey, I'm not committed
to doing the work for you, butI'm committed to supporting you
and whatever it is that you need.
And so the next thing isevaluating their response to
(36:57):
your needs.
When you get to that pointwhere you're saying I need space
during PMDD, I need this duringPMDD, evaluate their response.
I always say, if you'recompatible with somebody, that
you can tell no to and see howthey react.
If you're always giving yourpartner what it is that they
need and what they want and allthe things you're never really
gonna know.
If you're compatible becauseyou're always meeting their
(37:17):
needs, how do they act when youdon't meet their needs and
you're just like hey, I knowthat you wanna spend time
together, I know that you wannago on date night, but I'm not
really feeling up to it.
When you express your needs forspace or more support or more
reassurance, do they respectthat and give it to you, or do
they take your symptomspersonally, because if you're in
your luteal phase and you'retelling them what it is that
(37:38):
you're needing, you're beingvery clear with them and they're
just thinking about themselves,you might not be compatible
because they're always going toput their needs above yours.
They're not going to be likeyou know what.
I know that I want to go outtonight, but if you want to stay
in, like I'm going to supportyou and maybe it's a situation
where you, where your partner,gives you space and then they go
out and they have a good timewith their friends, are they
able to self-soothe?
(37:59):
That's a really big thing forme.
Like, if I tell someone thatI'm dating, that I'm not feeling
up to it, are they going to bedisrespectful and go out and
cheat on me?
Are they going to be able toself-soothe and be like okay, I
completely understand, babe, I'mgoing to go have a good time,
like, let's meet up tomorrow.
Am I going to feel rejectedbecause I'm not meeting their
needs in that moment, becauseI'm not at their beck and call?
(38:20):
So see if you still this is thenext one see if you still have
moments of connection in yourluteal phase, even in your
luteal phase, when you're inPMDD, do you have moments of
laughter?
Do you have moments ofconnection?
Do you have moments ofunderstanding?
Do you have moments of intimacy?
Can you still enjoy smallthings together, like watching a
show or having a calmconversation, even if you can't
(38:42):
do the things that you wouldnormally do in your follicular
phase?
But can you still have fun, canyou still enjoy your partner
when you're in your luteal phase?
That's gonna determine whetheryou're compatible.
And then the next thing isconsider their patience and
adaptability.
I already know I used to thinkthat I was supposed to be with
someone who was an alpha male.
I now know that that isabsolutely not true.
(39:04):
I truly admire masculinity.
I truly admire the take chargementality.
I just know, when I'm in myluteal phase, I'm not compatible
with that type of person,because that person will push
and push and push and they won'tbe emotionally there for me in
those moments.
I need the balance of both.
So I need the balance ofsomeone that's actually saying
(39:26):
you know what?
I know that you're goingthrough this.
I'm gonna be compassionate, I'mgoing to be able to soften, I'm
going to be able to create asafe space for you.
A lot of times, the people thatI was attracting and that had
that alpha male mentality.
They were just like what'swrong with you, let me know when
you're better, let me know whenyou're ready to be bubbly and
cute again.
And so, when I got into thoseplaces of suffering, I started
(39:47):
to hide my suffering becausethey weren't allowing me to be
emotionally safe, because itdidn't serve them, it wasn't fun
, and so I had to just waituntil I got out of it, or snap
myself out of it or force myselfto pretend like I wasn't
suffering when I was reallysuffering, and because people
that had that mentality I wasn'tcompatible with, because they
(40:08):
didn't have any patience.
So I would ask yourself doesyour partner get frustrated and
withdraw when you get into yourluteal phase, or do they adjust
and stay present in a healthyway?
Do they lay with you on thecouch and say okay, you just
want to lay in and just donothing?
Today, I'm going to lay withyou and I'm going to go play on
my phone or something.
Not, hey, I'm out of here andI'm going to go into the garage
and I'm going to completelyignore you because you're not
(40:29):
meeting my needs.
And they handle theunpredictability of PMDD without
resenting you for it and makingyou pay for a disorder that you
didn't ask for, because that ishow I felt in so many
relationships where I was payingfor something that I didn't ask
for.
You think I wanna have P&D.
I don't want to have this.
I have this.
I'm being open with you that Ihave it, but I'm now being
(40:52):
punished for it.
So check their emotionalreactions.
Are they able to be in conflictand not yell at you and curse
at you and trigger you?
Check your emotional reactions.
Are you lashing out at themspecifically or do you feel this
way about everything andeveryone?
Do you have a specific way ofthinking, about, feeling about
(41:16):
your partner that isspecifically, just toxic?
This is the last one.
It's.
Is this hard or is this toxic?
Pmdd relationships are hard,but hard is not the same thing
as toxic.
So if you're both trying tolearn about PMDD, if you're
trying to show up despite thestruggles, if you're trying to
do all these other things, thathelps it.
(41:37):
That's fine.
But is it really toxic?
Because you're just in thisrelationship where you're not
compatible, you don't have theemotional capability and you're
not trying to do anything aboutit.
If you don't have the tools, Ialways tell you there's no shame
in not having the tools.
There's shame in not gettinghelp once you recognize that you
don't have the tools, like,that's why I'm here.
That's why I'm here to provideyou with the tools, and so this
(42:01):
is why I created the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
Community.
This is a game changer, for ifyou're in that place of not
feeling compatible with yourPMDD partner, there are things
that you're going to be able tolearn in this membership, that
you're going to be able to learntools every single week, and it
really is accountability.
It's kind of like if you knowthat you want to lose weight,
for those people that get thoselike personal trainers, and not
(42:23):
that they don't know how to workout.
You get a personal trainerbecause they're going to hold
you accountable for doing thethings that you know how to do,
and a lot of times they show youthings that you don't know how
to do.
But again, you probablywouldn't do the majority of
things that you would do if youhad a personal trainer, if they
weren't there to hold youaccountable, like if they're
like, hey, meet me at the gym atthis time, you're gonna do it.
(42:44):
It's the same thing when youknow that you're gonna have
issues in your PMDD relationshipand you know, because I've had
so many of my private clientswhere, like, they tell their
partner, I don't wanna discussthis right now, I'm gonna wait
till we have a session with DrRose and then we'll discuss it
because they know going to dodamage in their PMDD
relationship and they're goingto be able to address it in a
manner that they're not justtalking about the problem.
(43:06):
There's so many communitieswhere you're just talking about
the things that you don't likein your relationship and there's
almost this victim mentality oflike it sucks, it sucks, it
sucks.
Yes, it sucks, but what are youdoing about it?
What are the tools?
Are you gaining anything byjust talking negatively about
your partner?
Because, cognitively, what youtalk about becomes imprinted on
(43:27):
your brain.
So it becomes a pattern in yourPMDD brain every single month
that you're consistently talkingabout how horrible your
relationship is, how much youdon't like your partner, how
much you're not compatible.
Guess what?
The reticular activating systemin your brain is going to start
to look for more ways to provewhy you shouldn't be with your
partner and you're going to belike wondering why you're
starting to feel so disconnectedfrom your partner.
(43:49):
It's because all you're doingis talking about the issues that
you have with your partnerwithout actually doing anything
about it.
So what you're going to get inthis membership the PMDD power
couples group counselingmembership and what I mean by
power is you're taking back yourpower.
Pmdd is taking a lot of powerback out of your relationship
while making you feelinghelpless.
This is the antithesis of power.
(44:10):
It's making you feel like everysingle month that you go into
PMDD, you don't know what to do.
You're just feeling helpless.
It's going to break the cyclesof PMDD breakups.
You're going to stop themonthly fights, the
misunderstandings, the emotionaldistance that leads to the
constant breakups, and it'sgoing to make your relationship
(44:30):
stronger instead, because everysingle time an issue is going to
come up, it's going to be dealtwith and then you can just move
on.
You're going to learn how tocommunicate without the conflict
.
You're going to learn how tocommunicate in a way to express
your needs, to set boundaries,to navigate those tough
conversations, to not hold it in, to stop walking on eggshells
without them turning into bigblowups.
You're going to feel like I canactually express the needs that
I have in my relationshipexpress the things that I'm
(44:50):
really feeling, without itturning into a big blowup that
can potentially be abusive andharmful for our relationships.
You're going to get supportfrom other couples who actually
get it.
You're not alone.
You're going to connect withother couples who truly
understand what you're goingthrough in your PMDD
relationship or loving someonewith PMDD.
They're not going to tell youto break up.
They're not going to tell youthat you're crazy.
(45:11):
They're going to tell you Iunderstand exactly what you're
going through and I'm heretrying to save my relationship
too, and you're going tounderstand what is PMDD versus
what's the relationship.
You're going to learn how toseparate your PMDD symptoms from
the real relationship issues soyou're not blaming each other
and shaming each other forsomething that's outside of your
control.
You're gonna compartmentalizeand say these are the things
(45:33):
that PMDD is impacting and theseare the actual issues that we
have in our relationship.
You're gonna get my PMDD traumatransformational tools for both
partners.
It's very different.
I give very different tools forboth partners.
It's very different.
I give very different tools forthe partner that's suffering
with PMDD and the partner that'snot, and so you're going to get
proven tools on how to manageyour PMDD rage and then your
emotional triggers for thepartner that doesn't have PMDD.
(45:54):
You're going to turn yourresentment into teamwork.
It's going to be learning howto stop feeling like you're
battling each other and startworking towards PMDD as a team
instead of against each other.
You're gonna start working as ateam against PMDD and not each
other.
And what is that gonna bring you?
(46:15):
More intimacy, more connection,more trust, more closeness, the
emotional safety, even duringyour luteal phase.
You're not gonna have to waituntil after you get out of your
luteal phase.
You're not going to have towait until after you get out of
your luteal phase to feel closeto your PMDD partner.
And then one of the biggestthings is you're going to have a
safe place to process all ofthe things that have to do with
(46:36):
PMDD.
There's no judgment, there's noshame.
There's going to be expertguidance given by me, who has
suffered with PMDD for over 19years, who have counseled
hundreds and hundreds of PMDDpartners and sufferers that
understands what you're goingthrough, and you're going to be
able to be real and raw andyou're not going to feel judged
for it.
This is so different fromtalking to friends about PMDD
who don't even know what it is,because they're immediately
(46:58):
going to blame you, shame youand tell you that you should
just break up.
And then the other thing isyou're gonna get weekly live
group counseling sessions from aPMDD relationship specialist.
This is something that is soinvaluable and is not offered
anywhere else, and for as little.
It's so much more affordablethan private counseling sessions
(47:20):
.
And $97 a month you get weeklygroup counseling sessions,
expert advice and a communitywithout the high cost of the
private sessions.
And $97 a month you get weeklygroup counseling sessions,
expert advice and a communitywithout the high cost of the
private sessions.
And the reason why I'm doingthis is because I have so many
younger clients and so manyindividuals that are like Dr
Rose.
I want to work with you and Iwould say to all my private
clients use this as an add-on.
Really use this as an add-onwith whatever it is that you're
(47:40):
doing with my programs, with mytools, because you need to be in
community with other couplesthat are going through what
you're going through and gettingthis accountability In between
our sessions.
So if you feel like Dr Rose,I'm already working with you
privately get into thismembership $97 a month.
There should be no reason whyyou all who are listening to
this podcast should not be inthis group counseling community,
(48:02):
because you're going to be ableto get the help that you need.
So until the next episode, wegot this.
I love you.
So today we are going to be talking all about one of
the questions that is alwaysasked in PMDD relationships and
the struggle that you haveprobably every single month when
you're going through strugglesin your PMDD relationship, and
that is am I compatible with myPMDD partner?
That is always the strugglethat happens when you're getting
(00:23):
to the point where you'rearguing, you're fighting and
you're really feeling like youknow what.
I don't even know if I'msupposed to be with this person.
I don't feel like we'recompatible.
Maybe I should just be withsomeone else.
Maybe if I was with anotherPMDD partner, that I wouldn't be
having the specific issues thatI have.
And I want to really give youthe tools that are really going
to help you with understandingwhether you're compatible with
(00:46):
your PMDD partner.
But the first thing I want youto really understand is that you
are not alone.
I have been in this place sooften where I have really
questioned whether I was withthe right person, and a lot of
times I've done that because,like I told you before, I have
chosen partners based off of myfollicular phase, when I'm in my
(01:09):
good days, and then I get intomy luteal phase and I just
really start to think maybe I'mnot compatible with my partner
not as a whole, but I'm notcompatible with my partner when
I'm in my luteal phase, when I'min PMDD, because they don't
like me in PMDD.
And I want you to reallyunderstand that there are
partners that will love andadore you when you're in your
(01:30):
luteal phase, when you're inyour follicular phase, when
you're in your ovulation phase,when you're in your menstruation
phase.
They're going to love youthrough all phases of your cycle
.
And a lot of times when you'resaying that you need to break up
, it's because when you get inyour luteal phase, they just
genuinely don't like you.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
There's nothing wrong with yourpartner not liking you in your
luteal phase, because guess whatA lot of times you don't like
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you when you're in your lutealphase.
You don't like the way thatyou're acting, that you're
reacting, that the way you'refeeling, like you don't have a
lot of energy to do, and so Idon't want you to start beating
up your partner and criticizingthem for not liking the version
of you in your luteal phase andsaying that famous phrase like
if you can't handle me in my badphases, then you don't deserve
(02:13):
me in my good ones.
Well, here's the thing If yourluteal phase is causing your
PMDD partner to suffer, thenthat's the reason why they don't
like you in your luteal phase,why they might feel that you're
not compatible with them, whythey may feel that they can't do
this because they're notgetting their needs met.
So I'm going to go over some ofthe common reasons why you're
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wanting to end your relationship, because you're genuinely
feeling like you're in thisplace where we're just not
compatible.
Maybe I should just start over.
Maybe I should just start fromscratch.
We're just not compatible.
Maybe I should just start over.
Maybe I should just start fromscratch.
I know for me I genuinely enterrelationships and my pattern in
the past over 19 years I'vesuffered with PMDD and my
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pattern in the past is gettinginto the relationship when I'm
in my follicular phase andovulation.
For those of you who don'tfollow me on Instagram,
ovulation is probably outside ofmy follicular phase.
It's one of the best times ofmy life.
It only lasts for a couple ofdays, but it's when I have the
most energy, it's when I'm themost loving, it's when I'm
leaning in and I've noticed apattern of tending to choose
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partners when I'm in that spacebecause I'm so outgoing, I'm so
loving, I'm so bubbly, and thenI just choose a partner who is
completely magnetized to that.
And then when I go into myluteal phase, I will admit and
it's taken me years to do this,because I used to be like I'm
still the same or I'm still thesame person, it's just, I would
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say, within the past couple ofyears, and that's what my
previous relationship taught me.
I am not the same in my lutealphase and it's something that I
used to be ashamed about.
I used to be really ashamedthat I didn't have the same
level of high energy, that Iwasn't as open, that I wasn't as
loving.
I even labeled myself as havingan avoidant attachment style
because I was so intrinsic LikeI was like I'm an introvert, and
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I remember my friend being likeno, the heck, you're not.
You're not an introvert.
But when I go into my lutealphase I don't have the energy to
do a lot of the things that Ido in my follicular phase.
But I'm also more introspectiveand it's a beautiful part.
What I've had to do on thisjourney is really embracing who
I am in my luteal phase andlooking at what kind of partner
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I need in my luteal phase.
Who am I compatible with in myluteal phase?
Because if I was just going offof who I was compatible with in
my follicular phase, therewould be this big pool of
individuals that I can becompatible with because I'm open
, I'm loving, I'm bubbly, I'mnot really calling you out on
anything, I'm really good withthe flow, like it's easy to fall
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in love with someone that isjust in that manner.
And then, when you go into myluteal phase, I overthink a lot
of things.
I have more stressors in mylife.
Things are more overwhelming.
I'm requiring more reassurance,more external validation, which
I'm working on, but it's stillthere.
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Like that's one of the thingsI'm working on needing external
validation, but I'm very wellaware that I need it at this
point.
So I would say, wherever youare in your journey, if you're
in that place of like I'mworking on this, don't deny that
you need what you need.
Like I know that I'm on myself-love journey and I'm
getting to the point where Ireally want to be in that place
where I'm not requiring externalvalidation from partners for
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friends and family, for anybodythat I'm with myself.
I'm completely whole, but rightnow I'm not there, so I still
need that external validation,and so I have to be aware that
everybody that I add to my lifehas to be able to add to that,
and it's something that I don'tneed to be ashamed with.
I, like I don't need to beashamed that I'm at a point in
my life where if I'm, if I'mwilling to put forth effort, if
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I'm doing nice things for you,if I'm doing things for you
where I'm pouring into you, Iwant to hear that external
validation.
I want to feel like youappreciate what it is that I'm
doing.
I want to feel that it isreciprocated and there's
absolutely nothing wrong withthat.
And I think a lot of times whenwe're looking at getting our
needs met, we're like, oh, letme get to a point where I don't
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need that.
It's like, no, I need that andI need that unapologetically and
I've gotten so bold andconfident in that area of my
life.
As far as dating is concerned,it's like, hey, if I'm dating
you and you're not giving methat external validation, then I
don't know that I want tocontinue this, because I know
the effort that I'm willing toput in.
I know the presence and thevalue that I have.
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And if you're in a place whereyou just think that like, oh,
you can just take that forgranted and be like, oh, that's
just whatever, then like, that'snot for me, because some people
don't need that externalvalidation and I do, and I would
love to be in this place whereI don't need it, but I'm not
here right now, so I couldpretend right now that I don't
need it and find someone thatnever gives it to me.
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I did that.
I was dating a person that wasvery stoic.
You know I was doing all ofthese things and they never they
never expressed likeappreciation.
They just it was this level ofarrogance, like they expected it
, and I remember feeling soemptied and devalued and
unappreciated and it just didn'tfeel good to me and I was being
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the core of who I was.
I wasn't doing it for theirattention, affection and
validation, but I would haveappreciated it Like.
I know what it feels like.
It's almost like when someonedoesn't give you the thing that
you value, then it makes youvalue it even more.
And that's exactly whathappened.
When someone doesn't give meexternal validation for the
things that I'm doing, theeffort that I'm putting in and
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just saying like I reallyappreciate that, just simple
gratitude.
I give gratitude every singlemorning, every single day, as
part of my PMDD morning routineand whether I'm in PMDD or not,
I give gratitude to God for somany things that I've been given
in this life and I don't takeany instance with my friends,
with my family.
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I don't take it for granted.
If someone is doing somethingfor me, I'm making sure that I'm
letting them know that Iappreciate it and I need to be
connected with individuals thatare able to do the same, and not
just with words but withactions.
So when I'm getting into thesedating relationships and they're
acting like oh yeah, I'msupposed to get this and I'm
like a very like with thisentitlement, I feel like we're
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not compatible because what Iwill do is I will pour so much
into you and I won't getanything poured back into me.
And it's not a quid per quothing where I'm expecting that I
do this for you and then you dothis for me, but it's a matter
of if I do something for you,show appreciation.
And not everybody is at thatpoint where they feel like they
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have to or they feel like theywant to, and so I don't want to
pull anybody outside ofcharacter, and it's one of those
situations where it's like oops, I almost did it again because
I really was dating this personthat was aligned in so many
areas of my life, except forspecific ways that we just
weren't compatible, and I wasalmost willing, I was almost
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willing to accept it and putmyself in another relationship
that really aligned with me incertain areas that we were
compatible, but certain areas wewere not, and so I had to pull
myself back and it was really,really hard for me because in my
luteal phase they wereproviding a lot of the things
that I need, which was theexternal validation, which was
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the appreciation, it was thecommunication.
I felt very safe and securewhen I was in my luteal phase.
I felt like I could be myself.
I felt like I couldn't be.
You know, I wasn't going to bejudged for having lower energy.
I was still going to get thesame level of effort, whether I
was high or whether I was low,like all of the things.
But we weren't connecting onthings that I would have valued
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in my follicular phase, whichwere the three F's they were
faith, they were fitness andthey were financial, faith,
fitness and finances.
Those were the three areaswhere we were not compatible,
but I was almost willing to letthat go because of the way that
they were compatible in theother areas.
So I'm going to go over the waysthat you can actually feel like
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you're not compatible with yourpartner and you want to break
up and this is what is going toget you into these PMDD monthly
breakups and then I'm going togive you the tools about what
you can do about it, becauseyou're often going to feel like
you're not compatible with yourpartner when you're in PMDD,
when you're in the luteal phase,because you have these intense
emotional and relational strainsthat PMDD brings up when you're
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in your luteal phase.
So the first thing is when yourPMDD partner gets into these
drastic personality changesduring PMDD, so PMDD partners
may feel like they are with twocompletely individuals every
single month.
This is going to lead to a lotof confusion and a lot of
frustration.
So if you're in that placewhere you're like we're not
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compatible because I can't dealwith my partner being one way in
their follicular phase and thenthey get in a luteal phase and
they're completely different, Iget that Because you don't know
what to do.
You begin walking on eggshellsand you begin to think that you
don't know what they're capableof.
That's where the fear comes in.
The fear comes in becauseyou're thinking all of the
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things that they're doing intheir luteal phase, they would
never do them in theirfollicular phase.
Like if she wasn't in PMDD, shewould never be talking to me
like this.
If she wasn't in PMDD, shewould never be acting like this.
So this is what's going to makeyou feel like you're just not
compatible, because you can'tdeal with the ebbs and flows.
You can't deal with the ups anddowns.
You know, if you're a male, youmay be saying like I'm not on
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the cycle.
I'm the same way all month long.
Why am I supposed to deal withsomeone that is up and down and
I can't really predict how theirbehavior is going to be with me
?
I don't feel safe going homebecause I don't know what
version of you that I'm going toget.
Am I going to get the lute ofyou?
Which leads into the next thing,where you have these constant
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fights and arguments during PMDD, where there's a lot of
irritability, there's a lot ofsensitivity, there's a lot of
sensitivity to rejection andeven small arguments, small
disagreements that you couldhave gone through in your
follicular phase, end up gettingto the place where they begin
into big blow-ups and they beginattacking your character,
saying you're a malicious person, you're a narcissist person,
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you're all of these things.
There's a lot of name callingwith small fights that you could
have easily dealt with when youwere in your follicular phase
or when your partner was intheir follicular phase.
So the next thing is thisemotional distance and rejection
.
So PMDD can cause your partnerthe one that's suffering with
PMDD to withdraw, to really gointo a hole, to go internal, as
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my exes used to say, where youreally have this emotional
numbness and, as the partner whois not suffering with PMDD, you
kind of want to get them tosnap out of it, and so there may
be this strong urge to just gointo your own hole.
So now, basically, you're bothin this place where you're
isolating yourselves from eachother and you're pushing each
other away because you'reinternally suffering with the
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fact that your partner's intheir luteal phase, like the
partner who's in their lutealphase, is suffering, and then
you're suffering with theirreaction.
You want your partner to justcome back.
For the partner that doesn'thave PMDD.
You just want to see thatversion of your partner again,
and so you're feeling like youwant to really hide out.
You want to hide out until PMDDgoes away, and so the next
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thing that happens is you reallyfeel unappreciated.
You feel unappreciated and youfeel unsupported.
So PMDD sufferers often feellike their partner doesn't
understand how much they sufferin PMDD, how hard it is for them
to hold in all of their PMDDirritability, their PMDD rage,
their fatigue.
They feel like they're showingup to their partner.
They're doing the best thatthey can and they're still
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getting criticized for not doingenough.
And you're almost feeling likethere's nothing that I could do
to ever be enough for you.
And so you're getting to thatpoint where you feel like
nothing that I can do is goodenough.
We're just not compatible,because how can I be with you if
I'm giving you everything thatI got and it's still not enough
for you?
And I've been there beforewhere I really feel like I'm
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going to squeeze the tube oftoothpaste, I'm going to fold it
over and give you everything,and then my partner has still
criticized me and blamed me fornot being essentially who I am,
freely in my follicular phase.
And guess what?
If you're suffering with PMDD,you cannot snap your fingers and
get back into your follicularphase.
And for the partners, there'snothing that you can say and do
that's gonna make PMDD go away.
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And for your partner to justmorph back into the follicular
phase so you may be totally inlove with the version of them
that doesn't have to do withPMDD, but there's nothing that
you can do to make them get tothat point, except for just
allowing time to go by in theircycle until they get back to
that place.
But a lot of times you're tryingto rush it, like for me, my
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PMDD used to be 14 days and Ithink about seven days in like
the beginning of the cycle.
Like my partner would just belike, really like acting like
everything was fine.
He's holding in the bitterness,holding in the resentment,
holding in the fact that he wasjust not happy with this version
of me.
But I guarantee you, by dayseven he was not happy and his
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mood shifted and there wasnothing that I could do to pull
myself out of it.
And he would try to like dotricks like a circus, like if
he's super loving, if he's superthis, and because there was
this emotional numbness, therewas this avoidance.
He felt hopeless, he was likethere's nothing I can do to get
her out of PMDD and he didn'tlike that version.
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And so when you're talking aboutcompatibility, it is can this
person and I don't wanna saydeal with you, but can they
enjoy you, whether you're inyour luteal phase, your
follicular phase, yourmenstruation phase or ovulation?
That's what I really had tounderstand and really come to
terms with and, really be honest, my partner loved and adored me
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and liked me in my follicularphase, in ovulation, absolutely
Even in menstruation, when I waslike having my week of my
period that was like seven daysand I was just, I was still
loving, but I was just reallylike low energy Even that was
fine.
But when I was in my lutealphase and I just wanted to climb
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into my hole, we were notcompatible.
We were absolutely notcompatible.
Because that whole time that Iwas in PMDD, he was thinking
that the reason why I wasn'tbubbly and I wasn't happy and I
wasn't loving and I wasn't openwas because of something that he
did and he began to take itpersonally and it didn't matter
whatever I said or did, he justtook it personally and I don't
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blame him.
I don't blame him for thatbecause he just didn't have the
capacity to deal with thatversion of me in my luteal phase
and what that led to was thenext thing with the lack of
intimacy.
So PMDD symptoms like moodswings, depression, physical
pain, discomfort, body aches,all of those things it really
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makes you feel disconnected.
If you don't want toparticipate in intimacy and I
don't just mean intimacy as arealm of sex, I mean if you're
not holding hands anymore I knowduring my luteal phase I would
get to the point where I wasn'tmaking eye contact at a time and
I know that's one of the mostpainful things for someone
that's really emotionallyconnected with you.
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But I just felt like it was toomuch for me.
I was just like we would be inthe car and instead of me
looking over at my partnerwhenever he would talk to me, I
was looking straight out thewindow.
I was either looking straightor I was looking to the right
out the window and he wasconsistently trying to put
himself in my view to connectwith me and I just couldn't do
it.
I had this emotional numbness.
So when I got into PMDD he feltunloved, he felt insecure, he
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felt unattractive, he felt likejealous, he felt like I didn't
want to be with him and I wasthe one causing him to have all
of these emotions because of theway that I was treating him.
So we were not compatible formy luteal phase, because I would
need to be with someone and I'mlearning this over time and I'm
sharing it with you.
What is compatible for me is tobe able to have me be in those
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times where I'm able to zone outand my partner not take it
personally and that's not a lotof individuals I would.
I will say that you have to bevery secure with yourself and
very secure with therelationship and very secure
with your foundation, to be okaywith not being dismissed, not
being ignored, but just notbeing as open and loving.
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And I'm not saying that I wouldbe like that every single month
when I'm in my luteal phase,but I do believe that there are
certain times where I really dogo internal during my luteal
phase and I just want to spendtime with myself and I don't
want to overstimulate myself,because overstimulation leads to
stress, leads to my symptomsbeing worse and I'm just trying
to figure out how to manage myPMDD symptoms.
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And I know a lot of you arethere and you're feeling like
how can I go internal and reallymanage my symptoms?
And I'm with a person thatnever allows me to go to that
place without blaming me andcriticizing me, so where I feel
like I need to show updifferently, and then I become
bitter and resentful.
So that's the next thing is,you're resentful over repeated
apologies.
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You often feel guilty about yourbehavior and every single cycle
, every single month, you'reapologizing about how you talked
to them, how you didn't talk tothem, how you were with them,
and the partners may becometired of the constant cycle.
They may begin to be like youknow what.
We're not compatible becauseI'm tired of hearing the same
apologies every single month,again and again and again.
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I'm tired of talking about PMDDagain and again and again.
I'm tired of talking about PMDDagain and again and again.
I'm tired of you using PMDD asan excuse, because when your
partner's needs aren't gettingmet, there's a time where even
your apologies are like fallingon deaf ears as they say, like
they're hearing you apologize,but they're still feeling hurt,
they're still feelingdisconnected.
They're like, yeah, I forgiveyou, but there's no intimacy
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there, and so the next way thatyou could potentially not be
compatible is you're blamingPMDD for everything.
Everything has to do with PMDD.
Some partners feel like everyissue in the relationship should
get blamed on PMDD and it makesit seem like your feelings or
concerns don't matter.
As the one that's sufferingwith PMDD Compatible with
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someone that literally is inthat place where it's like hey,
just remember, you're the onethat has PMDD, you're the one
with the problem.
So if there's ever an issue inthis relationship, it obviously
is because of PMDD and I don'thave PMDD and you do so.
Then you become the scapegoat,you become the reason of every
issue that genuine issues inyour PMDD relationship.
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Does PMDD magnify them?
Absolutely.
Is PMDD the cause of them?
Absolutely not.
Pmdd rips the blanket off ofevery issue that you already
have with your partner.
It doesn't always create them.
Sometimes it can create anissue that wasn't already there,
like little things, where it'slike oh, I don't like when you
do this, I don't like when youdo this, like for me it was
snoring.
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I couldn't stand when mypartner snored, but when I was
in my follicular days I was fine.
So PMDD created that issue forme and my PMDD partner at the
time, and I had to recognizethat that wasn't for me to blame
and shame my partner, which Imade the mistake of doing, like
oh my gosh, they're maliciouslysnoring.
No, they were just snoring.
We were not compatible for myluteal phase.
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So when I say, are youcompatible, think about the
symptoms that you have.
I'm going to help you with thisright now, because this is what
I would do with my privateclients.
Think about the symptoms thatyou have impunity, write them
out and then think about whatkind of individual would trigger
those symptoms For me.
I have misophonia, which is asensitivity to noise, which
means and it sounds weird, buteven when I'm dating people, I
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always ask them Couple dates andI'm like, hey, do you snore?
And I know that's a weirdquestion to ask, but the reason
why I'm asking is for the future.
It's because, if you snore,there's a potential that we are
going to have an issue because Ihave misophonia.
It is me, me.
I'm the problem.
It's me.
I have an issue with misophonia.
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So I know that if I'm in arelationship with you and you
snore, I'm going to potentiallystart to get bitter and
resentful for that, because whenI get into my, my luteal phase.
I don't even like when my doglicks himself.
At this point Like.
My dog sleeps on the foot of mybed.
His name is Leo I don't want tosay his name because he's going
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to look over at me but he lickshimself and for me it sounds,
oh my gosh, so loud.
Whenever he licks himself,whenever he shakes himself,
whenever he does like justlittle things, it sounds so loud
for me, and that's a me problem.
It's am I going to get rid ofmy dog?
Am I going to say, oh my gosh,my dog is an issue?
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No, I'm recognizing like duringmy luteal phase, I hear things
louder than they actually are.
So a lot of the times whenyou're thinking about
compatibility, be honest withyourself.
If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, it's not a
matter of blaming yourself andshaming yourself, but it's a
matter of understanding who youare and what it is that you
require in your luteal phase.
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And so I require someone thatdoes not snore.
I'm not saying you have to becompletely quiet, because I've
dated people or been with peoplethat that snore a little bit.
But if it's this loud likenon-consistent, like if it's
loud up and down and it getslouder and lower and louder.
Like I can't.
Like I can't if there's toomany ebbs and flows.
Like I already live by a train.
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Like I moved into this condoalmost two years ago and they
said, oh, you may or may nothear the train.
No, I hear it all the time andit sounds like nails on a
chalkboard.
It sounds horrible.
So I know, whoever I'm with inmy luteal phase, I just need to
date for someone that doesn'tsnore and it doesn't make them a
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great person because they don'tsnore.
That's just one of the things.
So the next thing is theexhaustion from the monthly
roller coaster.
You may feel emotionallydrained from your partner
because the constant cycle offights and repairing the fights
and then repeating the fightsand having the intrusive
thoughts and you're feeling likeyou're going to give up.
This is ways that you may sayyou know what?
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We're not compatible because ofall these things that are going
on.
And so the next thing is thedoubt of the future.
You really start to feel like Idon't know how much more I can
deal with.
I don't know how much more Ican handle in this relationship,
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because I feel like I'm doingmy best and you're still
complaining, you're stillblaming me, you're still shaming
me, and you get to this pointwhere you're feeling like
nothing you do is ever going tobe good enough.
And so you may feel like maybewe're just not compatible, maybe
we just shouldn't be togetherand it's going to lead to those
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PMDD monthly breakups.
Because when you feel likeyou've done everything that you
could do, you've done everythingthat you can do, and your
partner is still complaining,you get to the point where
you're just like you know what,maybe we just shouldn't be
together, maybe I should be withsomeone else.
That doesn't that these thingsdon't strategically want to
(25:29):
cause them to break up.
And I just want you tounderstand that these are things
that PMDD really, really,really start to talk to you
about and you're just saying,like you know, you don't
understand me, you don'tunderstand the core of who I am,
you don't understand mystruggle, and if you don't
understand it now, you're nevergoing to understand it.
(25:50):
And then the last way is youfeel like you're walking on
eggshells and I have my programfor that for partners and it's
still on sale right now.
You go to inlovewithpmddcomit's called my partner has pmdd
now what?
And it's strategically designedfor partners and it is
basically helping partners withunderstanding how to be a more
(26:11):
supportive PMDD partner, becausepartners often they fear
triggering an emotional reactionout of you If you have PMDD.
They're walking on eggshellsbecause they're feeling like any
little thing that they say canmake you go off on them or PMDD
rage and they don't know how tohandle it.
They genuinely do not know howto handle it.
They genuinely do not know howto handle it.
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So if you're feeling like, yeah,I've literally said that I
don't feel like I'm compatiblewith my partner during PMDD, so
let's go over some ways that youcan really determine if you're
compatible with your PMDDpartner.
And I've used this for datingand I'm going to share it with
you right now.
I'm giving you my blueprintbecause right now I told you I
need to date for who can be bestfor me, not just in my
(26:56):
follicular phase, but also in myluteal phase, because PMDD is
not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm not going to be delusionaland I really felt like, oops.
I did it again because thatalmost shows a partner just
based off of my follicular phase, because it's easier to do that
.
You're more open and you'remore loving and accepting, and
you see all the red flags andyou want to paint them green
when you're in your follicularphase.
(27:16):
And then you get in your lutealphase and you're like, why did
I do that?
So here are some ways that youcan really determine if you're
compatible with your PMDDpartner, and that is number one
observe how you handle conflictstogether.
So one of the biggest thingsthat I was really attracted to
with one of the previous guysthat I was just dating was we
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had a lot of conflict early onand the way that we handled
conflict was very, very healthy.
I don't think I've ever handledconflict with someone as
healthy as a person that I wasdating, which made it really
hard for me to break it off,because I was like, wow, like
that was conflict, likebasically a situation would
happen, a misunderstanding wouldhappen, and then later on we
(28:00):
would talk about it, and he wasa very active listener where I
was saying my part and he waslike he literally had things
that he wanted to say.
He was like no, no, no, I havethings I want to say, but I'm
going to let you talk, and thenhe let me get everything out,
and a lot of times I was gettingit out in a very emotional way,
specifically when I was in PMDD, and I was like this is how I
feel about this and this is howI feel about that.
(28:21):
And there was never anyjudgment for the way that I was
expressing myself.
Was I name calling, was Iblaming, was I shaming, was I
cursing?
No, I was just expressing meand how I felt, and he gave me
that safe space to do it and Ifelt good about that, because
sometimes you just need to getit out.
When you're dealing withconflict, when you're dealing
(28:41):
with frustration, you justreally need to get it out.
And until you get it out, youdon't feel seen, you don't feel
heard, the issue is notdissolved, it's still going to
be like a pending issue.
So I let me get everything out.
And he said I really understandhow you could feel like that.
I didn't see it that way.
So there was a level ofvalidation of saying like, hey,
I didn't see it that way.
I can see your point of viewand I'm sorry that I made you
(29:04):
feel that way, because I alwaysended it with this is what
happened, this is how Iperceived it and this is how I
felt because of it.
And he reassured me and waslike hey, I never meant to make
you feel that way.
I'm really sorry, it wasn'tlike you shouldn't feel that way
or that's so stupid.
Why would you feel that way?
There was a level of validationand acceptance for my
experience which made me, inturn, want to hear what was your
(29:28):
experience like, what did youthink about the situation?
And then he, in turn, talkedabout it and I was like oh, I
like I didn't see that that wayeither.
And then we kind of laughedabout it.
We talked about it a little bitmore and I was like okay,
moving forward, I know a way toprevent this from happening
again.
And he was like yeah, me too.
Now I know that this is atrigger for you or this is
(29:49):
something that you don't like,and I'm not going to do it again
because I always want you tofeel cherished, valued, all the
things.
And then that's how we handledconflict.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
So this showed me that we hadways to de-escalate the tension
that was going on in theargument and repair it after the
argument.
(30:09):
So, in the moment he allowed meto talk, I allowed him to talk.
Therefore, there was ade-escalation.
It wasn't an interrupting, itwasn't a blaming, a shaming, a
criticism, defensiveness, no, itwas a genuine curiosity, like I
genuinely want to know how youfeel about this I.
(30:30):
It was a genuine curiosity,like I genuinely want to know
how you feel about this, and hegenuinely wanted to know how I
felt about it.
And then, how do we repair it?
After the argument, we kind ofdid a debrief.
It was like okay, so movingforward, I know that you don't
like that.
I actually am glad that we wentthrough that, because now I
know that you don't like thatand we don't have to go through
that again.
And so the disagreements didn'tturn into a personal attack.
We communicated with respectand it actually brought us
(30:53):
closer.
So that was the first way ofshowing me that we were
compatible in that specific way.
Was that the only way that weneeded to be compatible?
But no, that's the first signof how do you handle conflicts
together.
I used to think thatcompatibility had to do with how
you handle the good times, butthen I really learned that
compatibility really has to dowith how you handle the bad
(31:14):
times.
What do you allow to come out?
Do you disrespect the person inthe bad times?
Do you not allow yourself toprocess what it is you're going
through before you'reinteracting with the person?
Do you just yell at them andcurse at them and shout at them?
Because I've been with partnersbefore in the past that just
brought that side out of me.
I'm not saying that there'sanything wrong with them, but
I've literally been with peoplethat have brought that side
(31:36):
where I immediately get angry, Iimmediately get triggered
because they weren't allowing meto be seen and heard and so
another side of me came out andso we were not compatible
because when conflict came, thatother side of me was going to
come out.
I didn't want that other sideof me to come out and it was
kind of like they couldn'tcontrol it.
I couldn't control it.
(31:56):
So we were in this situationwhere it's like, yeah, this is
pretty much not healthy for theboth of us.
And so the next way that you candetermine if you're compatible
is you assess your emotionalsafety with the person.
Do you feel emotionally safe toexpress your feelings?
Even in the times that you'rehaving the fights and the
arguments, can you just stop andsay, hey, this is how I'm
(32:17):
feeling?
Can you be open, real and rawwith them, and that's what I was
able to do with this person.
I was able to just be likelisten, I understand that we're
going through this conflict, butlike this is how I'm feeling,
or does your partner try tojudge you rather than understand
you?
If so, you feel like yourpartner is going to criticize
you and judge you.
You're not going to be open andvulnerable in the midst of
(32:38):
conflict.
It's just not going to happen.
So you're not going to becompatible when it comes to
conflict.
And guess what?
Conflict is going to happen.
So, especially in the lutealphase, conflict is going to
happen in the luteal phase,conflict is going to happen in
the luteal phase, and you needto be with someone that can
manage that.
And so you look at patterns.
So the next thing is you reallyreally look at patterns.
Maybe you have one or twocycles, one or two months, where
you have a big PMDD blow up,because you had a really big
(33:00):
instance that's happened in yourPMDD relationship and you
really want to ask yourself wasthis month really bad because of
external stressors, or is thisjust every single month?
If you have a big blow up withyour partner, that doesn't mean
that you're not compatible.
It just means that you had areally bad month and that's okay
.
But if you're having thisconsistent pattern of it always
(33:21):
being intense, of you alwayswalking on eggshells, that's
when it may be that situationwhere it's like we're not
compatible because we've notdealt with six months ago and
now we're going on seven monthsand eight months and every
single month we're dealing withthe issue but we're not in a
place where we can actually dealwith it.
So when you ask yourself, areyou compatible, ask yourself
this question Do you notice apattern of small improvements
(33:43):
over time and the way thatyou're handling conflict, or is
it progressively getting worse?
Because if it's progressivelygetting worse, you need to get
help, because that means you'regetting trauma piled on top of
each other again and again andagain.
And that's why I created thePMDD Power Couples membership to
really unravel the trauma thatcan be happening in your
(34:04):
relationship on a weekly basis,because once it starts to pile
up on you, then it's harder todig yourself out of it.
And when you get to that pointwhere you're like, oh, I wanna
break up, it's like you're notbreaking up because of this one
issue.
You're breaking up over monthsand months and months of issues
that you haven't addressed.
So if you haven't gone to thelink in my bio and join, we
start sessions this month.
(34:24):
So make sure that you'rejoining the PMDD Power Couples
membership, because this isgoing to be a safe place.
This is going to be a level ofaccountability where you're
going to be able to deal withwhat is going on in your PMDD
relationship on a weekly basisto where you're going to be able
to hold you accountable, holdyour partner accountable, to
whatever is coming up.
You're going to be able to getthis expert advice.
It's almost like having aprivate session with me every
(34:46):
single week.
This is the most affordable wayof working with me.
It's only $97 a month, which isa true bargain because you're
getting literally weekly groupcounseling sessions with me.
So if you've not joined, makesure you join.
And the next thing is you'rechecking for mutual effort and
understanding in PMDD.
(35:07):
Is your partner consistentlytrying to learn more about PMDD?
That's going to show whetherthey're compatible.
Are they interested in what youhave going on?
I've had partners who have PMDDand or clients have PMDD and
they have, you know, partnersthat have ADHD and PTSD and all
of these other things.
Like I said, I've had partnerswho have PTSD and I got very
(35:31):
well versed with PTSD ADHD,anxiety, depression, seasonal
depression.
When I found out what mypartners had and what disorder
they had or what thing that wascausing them to struggle, I
dived into it to find out moreabout it, find out what I need
to do as a partner to help themin the struggle.
It's not about them doing itall on their own.
(35:54):
It's like is your partner opento learning tools to support you
, or do they resist makingadjustments in their lives and
putting the blame on you andsaying, hey, it's you, you're
the one that has PMDD, Ishouldn't need to change
anything.
You're probably not compatibleif they're gonna put it all on
you because, guess what?
At any point, anything canhappen with your partner.
They can have another disorder,they can have another thing
(36:15):
happen to them, and then arethey gonna be expecting you to
be there for them?
Absolutely so.
God forbid.
Your partner get cancer.
Are you gonna be?
Oh, my partner has cancer, Idon't have anything to do with
it.
No, you're going to startresearching what you need to do
for their cancer treatments,what you need to do as a partner
to help them in their thing.
(36:35):
Pmdd, it's the same thing.
Whatever your partner is goingthrough, you need to be invested
and that's the way that you'reshowing that you're compatible.
It's like I'm understanding thestruggle that you're going
through.
I'm not committed to healingthe journey, I'm not committed
to doing the work for you, butI'm committed to supporting you
and whatever it is that you need.
And so the next thing isevaluating their response to
(36:57):
your needs.
When you get to that pointwhere you're saying I need space
during PMDD, I need this duringPMDD, evaluate their response.
I always say, if you'recompatible with somebody, that
you can tell no to and see howthey react.
If you're always giving yourpartner what it is that they
need and what they want and allthe things you're never really
gonna know.
If you're compatible becauseyou're always meeting their
(37:17):
needs, how do they act when youdon't meet their needs and
you're just like hey, I knowthat you wanna spend time
together, I know that you wannago on date night, but I'm not
really feeling up to it.
When you express your needs forspace or more support or more
reassurance, do they respectthat and give it to you, or do
they take your symptomspersonally, because if you're in
your luteal phase and you'retelling them what it is that
(37:38):
you're needing, you're beingvery clear with them and they're
just thinking about themselves,you might not be compatible
because they're always going toput their needs above yours.
They're not going to be likeyou know what.
I know that I want to go outtonight, but if you want to stay
in, like I'm going to supportyou and maybe it's a situation
where you, where your partner,gives you space and then they go
out and they have a good timewith their friends, are they
able to self-soothe?
(37:59):
That's a really big thing forme.
Like, if I tell someone thatI'm dating, that I'm not feeling
up to it, are they going to bedisrespectful and go out and
cheat on me?
Are they going to be able toself-soothe and be like okay, I
completely understand, babe, I'mgoing to go have a good time,
like, let's meet up tomorrow.
Am I going to feel rejectedbecause I'm not meeting their
needs in that moment, becauseI'm not at their beck and call?
(38:20):
So see if you still this is thenext one see if you still have
moments of connection in yourluteal phase, even in your
luteal phase, when you're inPMDD, do you have moments of
laughter?
Do you have moments ofconnection?
Do you have moments ofunderstanding?
Do you have moments of intimacy?
Can you still enjoy smallthings together, like watching a
show or having a calmconversation, even if you can't
(38:42):
do the things that you wouldnormally do in your follicular
phase?
But can you still have fun, canyou still enjoy your partner
when you're in your luteal phase?
That's gonna determine whetheryou're compatible.
And then the next thing isconsider their patience and
adaptability.
I already know I used to thinkthat I was supposed to be with
someone who was an alpha male.
I now know that that isabsolutely not true.
(39:04):
I truly admire masculinity.
I truly admire the take chargementality.
I just know, when I'm in myluteal phase, I'm not compatible
with that type of person,because that person will push
and push and push and they won'tbe emotionally there for me in
those moments.
I need the balance of both.
So I need the balance ofsomeone that's actually saying
(39:26):
you know what?
I know that you're goingthrough this.
I'm gonna be compassionate, I'mgoing to be able to soften, I'm
going to be able to create asafe space for you.
A lot of times, the people thatI was attracting and that had
that alpha male mentality.
They were just like what'swrong with you, let me know when
you're better, let me know whenyou're ready to be bubbly and
cute again.
And so, when I got into thoseplaces of suffering, I started
(39:47):
to hide my suffering becausethey weren't allowing me to be
emotionally safe, because itdidn't serve them, it wasn't fun
, and so I had to just waituntil I got out of it, or snap
myself out of it or force myselfto pretend like I wasn't
suffering when I was reallysuffering, and because people
that had that mentality I wasn'tcompatible with, because they
(40:08):
didn't have any patience.
So I would ask yourself doesyour partner get frustrated and
withdraw when you get into yourluteal phase, or do they adjust
and stay present in a healthyway?
Do they lay with you on thecouch and say okay, you just
want to lay in and just donothing?
Today, I'm going to lay withyou and I'm going to go play on
my phone or something.
Not, hey, I'm out of here andI'm going to go into the garage
and I'm going to completelyignore you because you're not
(40:29):
meeting my needs.
And they handle theunpredictability of PMDD without
resenting you for it and makingyou pay for a disorder that you
didn't ask for, because that ishow I felt in so many
relationships where I was payingfor something that I didn't ask
for.
You think I wanna have P&D.
I don't want to have this.
I have this.
I'm being open with you that Ihave it, but I'm now being
(40:52):
punished for it.
So check their emotionalreactions.
Are they able to be in conflictand not yell at you and curse
at you and trigger you?
Check your emotional reactions.
Are you lashing out at themspecifically or do you feel this
way about everything andeveryone?
Do you have a specific way ofthinking, about, feeling about
(41:16):
your partner that isspecifically, just toxic?
This is the last one.
It's.
Is this hard or is this toxic?
Pmdd relationships are hard,but hard is not the same thing
as toxic.
So if you're both trying tolearn about PMDD, if you're
trying to show up despite thestruggles, if you're trying to
do all these other things, thathelps it.
(41:37):
That's fine.
But is it really toxic?
Because you're just in thisrelationship where you're not
compatible, you don't have theemotional capability and you're
not trying to do anything aboutit.
If you don't have the tools, Ialways tell you there's no shame
in not having the tools.
There's shame in not gettinghelp once you recognize that you
don't have the tools, like,that's why I'm here.
That's why I'm here to provideyou with the tools, and so this
(42:01):
is why I created the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
Community.
This is a game changer, for ifyou're in that place of not
feeling compatible with yourPMDD partner, there are things
that you're going to be able tolearn in this membership, that
you're going to be able to learntools every single week, and it
really is accountability.
It's kind of like if you knowthat you want to lose weight,
for those people that get thoselike personal trainers, and not
(42:23):
that they don't know how to workout.
You get a personal trainerbecause they're going to hold
you accountable for doing thethings that you know how to do,
and a lot of times they show youthings that you don't know how
to do.
But again, you probablywouldn't do the majority of
things that you would do if youhad a personal trainer, if they
weren't there to hold youaccountable, like if they're
like, hey, meet me at the gym atthis time, you're gonna do it.
(42:44):
It's the same thing when youknow that you're gonna have
issues in your PMDD relationshipand you know, because I've had
so many of my private clientswhere, like, they tell their
partner, I don't wanna discussthis right now, I'm gonna wait
till we have a session with DrRose and then we'll discuss it
because they know going to dodamage in their PMDD
relationship and they're goingto be able to address it in a
manner that they're not justtalking about the problem.
(43:06):
There's so many communitieswhere you're just talking about
the things that you don't likein your relationship and there's
almost this victim mentality oflike it sucks, it sucks, it
sucks.
Yes, it sucks, but what are youdoing about it?
What are the tools?
Are you gaining anything byjust talking negatively about
your partner?
Because, cognitively, what youtalk about becomes imprinted on
(43:27):
your brain.
So it becomes a pattern in yourPMDD brain every single month
that you're consistently talkingabout how horrible your
relationship is, how much youdon't like your partner, how
much you're not compatible.
Guess what?
The reticular activating systemin your brain is going to start
to look for more ways to provewhy you shouldn't be with your
partner and you're going to belike wondering why you're
starting to feel so disconnectedfrom your partner.
(43:49):
It's because all you're doingis talking about the issues that
you have with your partnerwithout actually doing anything
about it.
So what you're going to get inthis membership the PMDD power
couples group counselingmembership and what I mean by
power is you're taking back yourpower.
Pmdd is taking a lot of powerback out of your relationship
while making you feelinghelpless.
This is the antithesis of power.
(44:10):
It's making you feel like everysingle month that you go into
PMDD, you don't know what to do.
You're just feeling helpless.
It's going to break the cyclesof PMDD breakups.
You're going to stop themonthly fights, the
misunderstandings, the emotionaldistance that leads to the
constant breakups, and it'sgoing to make your relationship
(44:30):
stronger instead, because everysingle time an issue is going to
come up, it's going to be dealtwith and then you can just move
on.
You're going to learn how tocommunicate without the conflict
.
You're going to learn how tocommunicate in a way to express
your needs, to set boundaries,to navigate those tough
conversations, to not hold it in, to stop walking on eggshells
without them turning into bigblowups.
You're going to feel like I canactually express the needs that
I have in my relationshipexpress the things that I'm
(44:50):
really feeling, without itturning into a big blowup that
can potentially be abusive andharmful for our relationships.
You're going to get supportfrom other couples who actually
get it.
You're not alone.
You're going to connect withother couples who truly
understand what you're goingthrough in your PMDD
relationship or loving someonewith PMDD.
They're not going to tell youto break up.
They're not going to tell youthat you're crazy.
(45:11):
They're going to tell you Iunderstand exactly what you're
going through and I'm heretrying to save my relationship
too, and you're going tounderstand what is PMDD versus
what's the relationship.
You're going to learn how toseparate your PMDD symptoms from
the real relationship issues soyou're not blaming each other
and shaming each other forsomething that's outside of your
control.
You're gonna compartmentalizeand say these are the things
(45:33):
that PMDD is impacting and theseare the actual issues that we
have in our relationship.
You're gonna get my PMDD traumatransformational tools for both
partners.
It's very different.
I give very different tools forboth partners.
It's very different.
I give very different tools forthe partner that's suffering
with PMDD and the partner that'snot, and so you're going to get
proven tools on how to manageyour PMDD rage and then your
emotional triggers for thepartner that doesn't have PMDD.
(45:54):
You're going to turn yourresentment into teamwork.
It's going to be learning howto stop feeling like you're
battling each other and startworking towards PMDD as a team
instead of against each other.
You're gonna start working as ateam against PMDD and not each
other.
And what is that gonna bring you?
(46:15):
More intimacy, more connection,more trust, more closeness, the
emotional safety, even duringyour luteal phase.
You're not gonna have to waituntil after you get out of your
luteal phase.
You're not going to have towait until after you get out of
your luteal phase to feel closeto your PMDD partner.
And then one of the biggestthings is you're going to have a
safe place to process all ofthe things that have to do with
(46:36):
PMDD.
There's no judgment, there's noshame.
There's going to be expertguidance given by me, who has
suffered with PMDD for over 19years, who have counseled
hundreds and hundreds of PMDDpartners and sufferers that
understands what you're goingthrough, and you're going to be
able to be real and raw andyou're not going to feel judged
for it.
This is so different fromtalking to friends about PMDD
who don't even know what it is,because they're immediately
(46:58):
going to blame you, shame youand tell you that you should
just break up.
And then the other thing isyou're gonna get weekly live
group counseling sessions from aPMDD relationship specialist.
This is something that is soinvaluable and is not offered
anywhere else, and for as little.
It's so much more affordablethan private counseling sessions
(47:20):
.
And $97 a month you get weeklygroup counseling sessions,
expert advice and a communitywithout the high cost of the
private sessions.
And $97 a month you get weeklygroup counseling sessions,
expert advice and a communitywithout the high cost of the
private sessions.
And the reason why I'm doingthis is because I have so many
younger clients and so manyindividuals that are like Dr
Rose.
I want to work with you and Iwould say to all my private
clients use this as an add-on.
Really use this as an add-onwith whatever it is that you're
(47:40):
doing with my programs, with mytools, because you need to be in
community with other couplesthat are going through what
you're going through and gettingthis accountability In between
our sessions.
So if you feel like Dr Rose,I'm already working with you
privately get into thismembership $97 a month.
There should be no reason whyyou all who are listening to
this podcast should not be inthis group counseling community,
(48:02):
because you're going to be ableto get the help that you need.
So until the next episode, wegot this.
I love you.
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