January 23, 2025 • 33 mins
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Can the rollercoaster of emotions associated with PMDD affect your dating life? Discover how I navigate the stormy seas of premenstrual dysphoric disorder while seeking meaningful connections. Sharing my journey through the ups and downs of the luteal and follicular phases, I highlight the importance of being genuine with potential partners and the necessity of finding those who can appreciate the full range of my personality. Through an honest recount of a date filled with unexpected triggers, I demonstrate the power of self-awareness and open dialogue in building relationships that last.
Misunderstandings can be a minefield, especially when PMDD intensifies emotions during the luteal phase. In my storytelling, I reveal a personal encounter where my partner's intentions were lost in translation, leading to unnecessary conflict. Through reflection and careful consideration of his true motives, I emphasize the value of deliberate communication and mindfulness. Recognizing the deceptive nature of PMDD, I offer insights on how to differentiate between perceived and actual intentions, ultimately fostering healthier connections.
Balancing personal interests with relationship demands is no small feat. I explore the pivotal role of hobbies in maintaining one's identity within a partnership, drawing parallels with my past experiences of losing myself in a partner's world. Through narratives of supportive encounters, such as a delightful day on the golf course, I illustrate how empathy and patience can transform relationship dynamics. Wrapping up the discussion, I guide listeners in identifying an ideal partner for those with PMDD, spotlighting the essential traits of kindness, consistency, and understanding that contribute to a nurturing and supportive relationship environment.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So I'm really excited to do this episode.
As you know, I am dating withPMDD and I just came off of a
date straight from the golfcourse and I really wanted to
talk to you because thisindividual that I went on a Now
what?
And there are sixcharacteristics of a supportive
PMDD partner and I go in depthwith that.
(00:28):
So if you've not gotten theprogram, like, go to
inlovewithpmddcom or the link inthe show notes and you'll be
able to get that program withthe whole layout of that that
you can give to your partner andeven just get for yourself to
just know how to tell yourpartner what a supportive PMDD
partner looks like.
But I wanted to show you inlive, like a live action, like
(00:51):
real life, what it looks like tovet someone if you're dating,
if you're like going out ondates and you're like how do I
know if they're going to be agood PMDD partner?
Because, as I told you before,I dated and I didn't date for
PMDD, I just dated and then Ijust hoped.
You know, I did like that hopeand a wish and like I hope
they're a good PMDD partnerafter the fact, because I was
(01:13):
dating most of the time in myfollicular phase and I wasn't
realizing that.
I'm not always like this whenI'm in my follicular phase, and
so I'm in PMDD right now andI've literally made it a point
to date in my luteal phase sothat I'm able to see how I react
.
He's just texting me right nowso I'm able to see how I react
(01:35):
to the person, how they interactwith me, the PMDD me, the
luteal me because the follicularversion of me and my
personality is completelydifferent from the luteal me,
because the follicular versionof me and my personality is
completely different from theluteal version of me, and I've
come to terms with that.
I just know that.
It's a thing I remember earlierin my journey.
(01:56):
I tried to deny it.
I'm like I'm the same all monthlong, but I'm really not.
I'm really actually not.
But what I have learned is Ican be amazing all month long.
It's just a different versionof me.
But I don't try to be thefollicular version of me anymore
.
I remember exhausting myself,trying to have the same amount
(02:18):
of energy, to have the sameamount of bubbliness, to have
the same amount of love ofinteracting and being an
extrovert and socializing.
I tried to do that in my lutealphase and I ended up suffering,
and so I felt good about thefact that I was like putting off
this persona, like I can do it.
But I felt horrible aboutmyself because my poor cortisol
(02:40):
levels were high.
Because your body doesn't lie.
When you're experiencing stresswithin your body and your
cortisol levels are high, yourPMDD symptoms are going up.
So anytime that you'reexperiencing stress, just know
that your PMDD symptoms areincreasing.
So even if on the outside itlooks like you're great, on the
inside your PMDD symptoms it'slike somebody's turning up the
(03:02):
dial.
And I remember being in thatplace of being like.
I remember thinking like howmuch longer can I keep this up?
Like I was feeling good aboutmyself, but then I was also not,
because I knew it wasn'tsustainable.
And so I just decided thatwhatever state that I'm in, that
I'm going to be that way withwhoever I'm connecting with.
So if you meet me and we go outon a date in my luteal phase or
(03:24):
we go out on a date on myfollicular phase, I'm going to
be whoever I am in that moment.
I'm not going to try to be anydifferent version of myself,
just to see how you interactwith that.
Because, like I said my ex hada lot of issues with the luteal
version of me, like who I was inPMDD.
Did they have a problem with meand my follicular phase?
No, if I could have stayed inmy follicular phase the whole
(03:46):
time, it would have been acompletely different story.
But that's not the case, and soI can't live in delusion.
I can't live in like la-la landand literally think that who I
am in my follicular phase is whoI am all the time, and so I
just committed to that.
So I noticed let me run youthrough this because I want to
give you like a real lifeexample of me being in PMDD and
(04:07):
dating.
So number one I was.
I set the date for four o'clockand I was still recording
another podcast, I was editingit and all the things around,
like three, 40 something, and soI guess he had been.
No, I guess I saw he had beentexting me, but of course I'm
recording and so he ended upcalling me because I guess I
(04:30):
wasn't responding to the textmessages because we were going
golfing and he wanted to know ifI needed like an extra set of
golf clubs.
He was like, hey, cause it wasa.
You know, it's not top golf,it's like an actual golf course.
So he was trying to figure outdid he need to bring like clubs
or was I good and I wasn'tresponding because I was
recording?
And then I guess I wasn'tresponding and he was trying to
(04:53):
leave out the house and so hecalled me Number one.
I immediately felt the trigger.
Right, it's nothing wrong withfeeling triggers from people
that you're dating and you're ina relationship with.
So I just want to let you knowthat.
So I didn't think like, oh mygosh, he's the problem, because
I felt the trigger.
Like I was already like in thezone, auto zone, and then he
called and I was triggered.
(05:13):
So I noticed that and I waslike, oh, like he's one of those
people where if you don'tanswer his text messages and he
sends you multiple text messages, he's going to call like duly
noted.
That's one thing that you haveto do is you have to study your
partner.
You have to study the personthat you're dating in order to
understand their patterns andwhat they naturally do.
So I got that I'm like okay.
So he called me and Iimmediately pressed ignore.
(05:35):
So, like I was in PMV, I waslike ignore, like decline,
decline, decline.
And then I finished like all ofthe editing and then I called
him back and he said hey, whatwere you doing?
Sleeping?
Again, I'm in PMDD.
So of course I took offenselike no, chicken nugget, I'm not
sleeping, I'm actually abusinesswoman.
(05:55):
I was working like there's.
Easily I could have gone downthe rabbit hole of being like
who do you think I am?
But I just noticed that I hadthat kind of like reaction to
things.
Like because I'm in PMDD, I'mvery self-aware to know that's a
me thing.
Like I'm thinking like thatbecause I'm in PMDD, because if
I was in my follicular phase Iwould just immediately be like
no, I was just doing this.
(06:16):
But because I was in PMDD, Iimmediately felt offended.
There's nothing wrong with youhaving negative thoughts in PMDD
.
I'm going to repeat that.
There is nothing wrong with youhaving negative thoughts and
emotions in PMDD.
It is what you choose to doabout them that does the damage
in your connections and yourrelationships.
So the fact that I had thisnegative thought, I need you to
(06:38):
start looking at it like it's anoutside entity, because I
remember being in PMDD sometimesand my PMDD brain says these
comments and I'm like dang, thatwas harsh, like I would never
say that, like it's almost likeyou're, you're in a closet, you
pick and choose the things thatyou actually say, um.
And so I was just like, no, Iwas um, I was, you know,
recording a podcast, I was doingthis.
(06:59):
And he was like, oh okay, like,anyway, I'm doing this.
And he was like I just wantedto know if you needed clubs and
blah blah.
And I was like, hey, I'm gonnabe 15 minutes late.
One of the biggest things that Iuse is like a kind of like a
gauging tool for those who I'mdating while I have PMDD is well
, I always have PMDD, but it'stime management.
(07:19):
I remember so many times in thepast I've been with a lot of
partners that the fact that I'mlate and I'm always late I just
know that about me, and I knowthat about me because I'm doing
a billion things.
It's not like I'm sitting onthe couch eating bonbons.
I'm trying to manage a billionthings.
I have a daughter.
I homeschool my daughter.
I have a dog.
(07:39):
I walk my dog all the time.
I have another whole, separatecareer that I manage.
I have my clients with PMDD.
I have a podcast.
I have clients that I emailclients that are texting me all
the time.
So I have a lot of things thatare going on in my life and I
just can't be with someone thatis so triggered by me being a
(08:01):
couple minutes late.
Not because I'm disrespectingthem, not because I'm thinking
that they're less than me,because a couple minutes late,
not because I'm disrespectingthem, not because I'm thinking
that they're less than mebecause they have to wait, no,
it's just because I'm always inthe realm of like I'm a first
responder and I recognize thatwhen I was on the plane the
other day and somebody I wasgoing to La La Land, I was going
to LA before the Californiawildfires and someone passed out
(08:23):
and they were like, are thereany medical doctors, are there
any first responders?
Like that's me.
So I feel like when you havethose jobs that are very
stressful, very like high strung, like you can't be with someone
that's so rigid and will takesomething that you're doing to
just help other people as ablatant attack on them.
I never, never, never want todisrespect anyone.
(08:46):
I never, never, never want todisrespect anyone's time.
But I also know that I live abusy life and that's not slowing
down anytime soon.
So if I already automaticallymeet someone and they're
triggered by me being a coupleminutes late and I give them an
explanation, I'm not saying Ijust show up and I'm like, hey,
I'm here, you're lucky, I'm here.
I say, hey, I was still doinghomework with my daughter, or
(09:08):
hey, I was doing this, and liketheir understanding, like they
have empathy, that's the signthat they're a good PMDD partner
and or companion, becausethey're willing to take
themselves out of theirdiscomfort of whatever they had
to do, sit in the car for twominutes or whatever it is, and
really understand theperspective of somebody else and
not choose to be pissed offabout it.
(09:28):
But I understand even they gettriggered.
I understand if they gettriggered because I'm a couple
minutes late, like I expect it,and so I go in if I'm ever late
and I'm not always late.
But if I am, I just explainlike hey, I had this going on,
I'm so sorry.
Like I'm very apologetic.
There's no egocentric or likenarcissistic.
(09:49):
Like, oh, I'm like you shouldbe lucky, I'm here.
Like no, I'm very apologeticand I will try my best to be on
time, but a lot of times I'm noton time.
Like my closest friends lie tome about the time, like if we're
supposed to like show up, tolike go somewhere at 4.30,
they'll tell me four, which isperfect, because I'll end up
getting there like 4.20, andthey're like oh good, you're
early and I'm like what?
So it's like a thing.
(10:11):
So basically he called me andthe first trigger was that he
called me and I was just likewhat's going on?
And that cause I had my phoneon do not disturb.
Whenever I'm recording podcasts, I had my phone on do not
disturb.
Whenever I'm recording podcastsI have my phone on do not
disturb, but if you callmultiple times it'll go through,
because it thinks that it's anemergency.
And so then when I called himback and I'm like, hey, I'm
(10:31):
doing this, and then he said, oh, are you sleeping?
Like that was another trigger.
So I had a choice of like how Iresponded to that and then he
was just like okay, well, I justneeded to know if you needed
extra clubs.
We're going to be here, here'sthe address, all the things.
So I drive there.
And then I kind of calmed downfrom that trigger of being
offended by him thinking that Iwas sleeping, I was doing
nothing with my time, because hetold me why.
(10:54):
He was like oh, I was justcalling you because I'm leaving
the house and I needed to knowif you need extra golf clubs,
because I have a set of golfclubs.
This is not top golf.
You need golf clubs in order togo there.
You're probably not going tolike my golf clubs, all the
things.
So I was like okay, yeah.
So again I didn't have theattitude.
Right, it's not what happens,it's your attitude about what
(11:15):
happens.
I drive there and he's alreadyin the golf cart, has all the
things, trigger number threebecause I'm like wait, I thought
we were going to be in theparking lot, like we were going
to meet and walk in together.
He's like I got there early.
I got the golf cart immediately.
I got triggered because I feltlike, oh, so you didn't wait for
me to get there in order tostart.
Like in my PMDD brain, you'realready like golfing like 75
(11:36):
rounds before even getting to me, which.
No, what he was actually doingwas getting the golf cart,
getting the golf club set up andgetting everything set up so he
could just pick me up rightfrom my car.
So this is how I can tell youyour PMDD brain will play tricks
on you Don't listen to yourPMDD brain, because I could have
gotten an attitude by the factthat he already had the cart,
(12:01):
because In reality, he wasreally setting everything up, so
it could be like less, you know, stressful for me.
He's like, hey, you don't needto sit at the front desk and get
the card and get this and seeme pay for this, I have
everything set up for you.
So I had to regulate my PMDDbrain Again.
This is what I mean when you'redating and you're in your luteal
phase or in a relationship.
(12:21):
In your luteal phase, there aregoing to be multiple triggers.
There's going to be like pew,pew, pew, like they're doing
this and they're doing that andyou have to literally tell
yourself they're just trying todo this.
Like you have to talk toyourself and literally say this
is the reality of the situation.
Like calm down, chicken nugget.
Like don't get pissed off.
He was just trying to get thecart, he was just trying to do
this like whatever, because PMDDwill make you think that
(12:44):
everything is malicious,maliciously.
I'm thinking that he's alreadyplaying golf.
He's having a good time.
If anything happens, he's goingto have a good time without me,
like he didn't care whether Igot made it there or not Like
this is the way that your PMDDbrain will spiral.
And then I got in the cart andhe was like no, I just didn't
want you to wait.
And so I went ahead and got thecart and I'm coming to pick you
up by your car and all thethings and I'm like, oh, this is
(13:07):
why you, this is why you don'tlet PMDD make you look like a
fool, because you don'timmediately react to it.
If I would have got in the cartand be like you over here
playing golf without me and blah, blah, like I would have looked
like a fool and he probablywould have never talked to me
ever again in life.
But because I was just like, oh,thank you, because you shut
your mouth.
Whenever you have thesetriggers that are going on in
(13:29):
PMDD, you shut your mouth.
Whatever accusations that youfeel, until you have evidence,
shut your mouth.
I don't care how convincingPMDD is, you do not go reacting
to your partner, you don't goacting different, because then
you're going to feel guilty andyou're going to feel stupid.
You're genuinely going to feelstupid if you figure out that
the thing that you thought yourpartner was doing that was
(13:50):
malicious, genuinely wasn't.
And then your partner is goingto think you're crazy, you're
going to feel stupid.
And then you're going to feellike, oh, it's just PMDD, I
guess I can't be in arelationship.
No, just whenever you see thetriggers, you feel the triggers,
you acknowledge it.
Because I acknowledged it, Iwas like, oh, I'm triggered by
the fact that I arrived.
I thought he was sitting in hiscar, but he's really already
got the golf cart, he's alreadyput the golf clubs in there.
(14:12):
And I acknowledged that I wastriggered.
And then when he explained thisis where we go into the
investigation, then it's like,oh, okay, is there really a
reason for me to be triggered ifhe was actually trying to make
things better for me?
And I've seen this happen somany times with my private
clients, where they've gone tobe mad at their partner and
they're like he didn't call meall day long and he was doing
this and this and this, and thenyou find out that he had
(14:32):
something stressful with workgoing on, or you find out his
phone didn't work, or you findout some other reason other than
the fact that he wasmaliciously trying to not answer
your call, and then you lookcrazy for reacting to him,
leaving him 75 voicemails andain't rage texting and all of
these things Like, just pause,pause, take a moment, think it
over with Twix, take a momentbefore you react.
(14:56):
You need to be absolutely surebefore you react and so I was
like, oh okay, so that wasanother sign that he showed me
that he was generous, like hewas not selfish, he was very
considerate, another sign of agood PMDD partner and or showed
me that he was generous, like hewas not selfish, he was very
considerate, another sign of agood PMDD partner and or
companion, because he was tryingto set things up to take care
of me when I arrived.
He didn't wait till I arrived.
He said I'm going to take careof things before that.
(15:18):
And then we started to playgolf and I haven't played golf
in forever.
Now I do know how to play golfbecause my first husband is in
the PGA tours and all of thosethings.
He's a professional golfer,like a golf instructor, and so I
know all about it, but Ihaven't played in forever other
than Topgolf and this wasobviously a golfer like, who
(15:40):
does it like all the time like aprime hobby, and I know from
being married to a golfer thatif you golf, you really golf.
Like it's a thing where I'mpretty sure he's vetting me,
like he's wanting to be in arelationship with someone who's
open to either golfing orunderstanding the world of
golfing, because it's adifferent world when you're in a
(16:01):
relationship with someone whogolfs, because it literally let
me break it down for you I wasin labor with my daughter, who's
15, and my husband had PGA onthe daggone TV that they had in
the labor room.
Like golfers are intensegolfers.
It's an all-encompassing sport.
Like it's one of those hobbiesthat really kind of take over
(16:23):
your life and it's not a bad,it's definitely.
It's such an amazing sport,it's such an amazing hobby that
I remember when I met my ex andhe was already a golfer and we
were so like we were sodifferent in age, like he was 15
years older than me, like canyou imagine?
So like I was 21, he was 36.
(16:44):
So like we got married.
Really, really, I got marriedyoung, he got married at like a
regular age, like, but Iremember I was just finding out
about myself.
I really think sometimes, youknow, I was talking to my dating
coach and he doesn't believethat like wrong time, right
person kind of thing, like thatyou can meet the right person
but it's just at the wrong time.
(17:04):
But I genuinely believe a lotof the things that me and my
first husband we argued about orwhatever it had to do with the
fact that I was not in the sameplace in my life Like he was in
this established place.
He knew golf was his thing.
I was 21.
I was just getting to know mything.
I wanted to learn, I wanted himto be my thing.
(17:25):
I was in that realm of notreally having a hobby and
wanting my partner to be myhobby and just spend time and
all these things.
And I was just young andwanting a family and I wanted
that to be my main thing.
And he was like I'm a golferand I want to have a family.
I value that, but this is a bigpart of my life and a lot of
(17:47):
the time that he was spendinggolfing I wanted him to spend at
home, specifically after ourdaughter was born.
And that was like a form of likecontention, because when you
golf it's something about it.
That's just like you can't notdo it, like it's almost like if
you're not doing it, you'rethinking about doing it.
You're signing up for otherthings.
It's kind of like me withraving not doing it.
You're thinking about doing it,you're signing up for other
things.
It's kind of like me withraving, like with the dancing,
(18:08):
where I'm like signing up forother like festivals.
I'm like, oh, they're havingone here.
Like you're constantly thinkingabout doing the hobby.
And I think if I was in a placelike this age, like the age of
39, where I was like fullyestablished with, like, what are
my hobbies, it would have beenway easier because when he was
golfing I could have been ravingor doing other things that,
like I was specificallypassionate about.
(18:29):
But I think if you're in arelationship and you and your
partner don't equally havehobbies that are the same way
that they consume you, then it'sa problem because you're going
to start to resent your partner,specifically in the luteal
phase, for not you know, likebeing there for you.
Like if I was raving and mypartner was doing whatever, like
(18:50):
I wouldn't mind because I hadmy own thing.
Like they have their thing andwe don't have to have the same
thing.
It's just about having a thingthat you're doing that brings
you joy.
And so I really think that whenI married so young I didn't
really know myself.
I knew that I wanted a familyand that's pretty much all I
knew.
My identity was willing to beshapeshifted into who I was with
(19:13):
.
Like I was in that phase wherewhoever I was with, like I could
see the pattern Like when I waswith different partners I would
like shapeshift into if theylike this.
I was like like I remember onetime I was like looking at
football and like they I think Italked about this on a previous
episode and they were like intolike Alabama, and I was like
roll tide and I still to thisday don't know what happens in
(19:33):
the game of football, like Idon't know what they're doing, I
don't know why there's so manypeople out there.
I don't know why they keepblowing the whistle Like, but I
was seriously with the jersey,like all of the things, because
that's what they were into.
And so my way of being inrelationships, I noticed that I
kind of immersed myself.
So when I was coming back togolf, I was actually enjoying it
(19:55):
today and I was like oh my gosh, and I literally said that as I
was getting ready, I was like Icould see at this age in my
life how I could enjoy golfing.
I could see how it can be areally good hobby activity for
me to do.
Like it takes five or six hoursto go through eight holes, so
that was.
Or 18 holes, so that wasanother thing.
Like my husband was always gonebecause he worked and then he
(20:17):
was golfing and then he wasalways gone and always gone on
tournaments.
And it's not like a short, likecouple hour things, it's like
18 hours or 18 hours.
I keep saying, oh my God, 18holes and multiple hours, and
then come home and then justwant to go to sleep because
you've been like out on thething all day.
It's just like you.
If you're a golfer, it's almostbetter for you to be with
(20:38):
another golfer or somebodythat's open to golf.
So I really admire what my datewas trying to do, because
that's six hours in a golfcourse and a golf cart, like
talking, like we were talkingabout different things and blah
blah and we were connecting andso he probably wants to be with
someone that's just open to it.
Not even that you have to begood at it.
(20:59):
He was like teaching me, sothat was another thing.
He had a lot of patience.
So when I got there obviously Itold you I hadn't done it in a
long time he was very patient.
So that was another sign of agood PMDD partner or companion
very patient.
So that was another sign of agood PMDD partner or companion
that when I missed it and I hadto let go two feet or I like
chucked it and I got up the dirton the thing.
Like he was so patient.
(21:21):
He was like that's okay, likeI'm pretty sure the next one
you're going to get it.
Like he was so kind and thatwas so attractive to me that he
was so kind and not likeirritated and annoyed because I
wasn't at the level that he wasat.
Like he even did like a videoIf you're on my Instagram,
you'll see it in a couple ofdays Like I'll post it.
(21:41):
He did a video of me golfing.
Like he was like you want me tosee, like when your best swing
is.
Like he took multiple videos ofme like swinging the club,
whether it was good or bad, andgave really good encouragement
and I was just.
Like it really put me at ease.
Like there was no need to belike perfect, there was no need
to get it right.
He was just happy that I wasdoing it with him.
(22:03):
And then we get, we get inthere.
He like set my tee up for me,like I I remember bringing the
ball and the little tee thing tothe thing, and he was like, oh,
I have it right here.
Like he, I thought he wassetting it up for him and he was
setting it up for me and I waslike, oh so he was like very
generous in that way and it wasjust like little characteristics
that I saw in his personalitythat he's like I got you.
(22:26):
He kept saying that like no, no, no, it's fine, I got you.
Or you're doing really, reallygood, or you're like a couple,
like let me give you a littlepointers on this and like, and
even when I would like dohorrible, he's like that's okay
or like, oh, that was over there, like he didn't make me feel
bad about it, even though he'sway superior in the sport, um,
and I admired that.
So, like I would say, kindnessis a really big sign when you
(22:51):
have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder, just being kind, even
if you're frustrated, even ifyou're annoyed because I know at
some points he probably wasbecause when you're a golfer and
you want to go down to multiple.
We only played two holes, wewent to the range and we hit a
couple balls or a lot, and thenhe gave me some of his.
(23:12):
So that's why I'm saying likehe was very generous, like I ran
out of balls cause I was likehitting them all over the place,
and then he gave me some of his.
He was like oh, here's somemore Like and it wasn't like a
impotent, like it wasn't like hewas being generous, like a woe
is you?
He was just like here you go,like it's okay, keep practicing.
Like he was very encouraging,very motivating.
(23:34):
And then he was very patientand he had empathy.
He knew that I was trying andso he was trying to encourage me
the best way that he could.
He stopped doing what he wasdoing because you know people
who are like very engrossed inan activity like tennis, golf,
like basketball, whatever goingto the gym.
I've gone to the gym withpeople and they're just like I'm
going to do my thing, likethey're so much into themselves
(23:57):
that they're like if you'restruggling, they'll like leave
you behind, and it's like theyjust have the personality where
they're just like hey, I'm notgoing to let this impact my
workout or my game or my this.
And he literally stopped what hewas doing and was like, let me
see what little tweaks I cangive you.
And then when I would hit theball or whatever, he would just
be like oh, golf is hard.
(24:17):
It's like so many things toremember, like you're doing
great.
And I just appreciated himacknowledging how difficult it
was like to just remember allthe things and just being really
considerate and I told him thatI was having a good time and
he's like oh, are you having agood time?
And he knew that I was in themoon, into the moon, because the
moon was a full moon today.
And I was like, oh my gosh,look at the moon.
(24:38):
And so he started to like pointit out, like wow, it's
beautiful and like all thesethings.
So like I feel like he was acouple of things that make an
amazing PMDD companion a partner.
I can't say anything for ourfuture.
And that's what I learned aboutdating.
Like I had to learn the likefrom my dating mentor.
The like dating is an event,it's not a relationship.
(25:00):
It doesn't mean that we'reabout to get married, but I can
admire like a lot of thingsabout people and the first thing
is kindness that he had.
Like if you're in arelationship with someone who
has PMDD, you need to be kindand you need to be able to
control your emotions in orderto be kind and not kind in a
condescending way.
I've been with partners thathave been kind and inwardly, I
(25:21):
felt their energy and theyreally wanted to cuss me out.
So you have to genuinely bekind Like it's not a fake.
Kind like oh, like that's goodfor you.
Like I can tell the difference,chicken nugget.
Like I'm not an idiot.
Like don't be condescending,because people with PMDD we can
sniff that out.
And the first thing is and thenext thing is patience.
Like you have to be patient forwhatever comes out.
(25:43):
And that's not giving a greenlight to individuals that are
having PMDD and struggling withtheir emotions.
It's not saying we can run allover you and all these things.
But if I don't meet the markevery time, if I'm not on time
every time, if I'm not like, Ineed you to not have an attitude
chicken nugget.
Like I need you to not make itworse by being pissed off by
(26:05):
something that I'm genuinelytrying my best, if you know me
and you know that I'm trying mybest, be a little bit patient.
Know me and you know that I'mtrying my best.
Like, be a little bit patient.
Have and the next thing is haveempathy in order to just say,
oh hey, it's not all about me.
Like I understand what you'regoing through, or that must suck
that you're going through that,or oh, there's traffic, or
whatever the thing is.
Like, have empathy for myexperience and not just thinking
(26:27):
about yours.
I'm like I don't give a crapwhat you're going through.
I'm pissed off that you're late.
Generous, like you have to begenerous and being able, and not
just generous with like I'm nottalking about monetarily, I'm
talking about with your energy.
Like you have to be willing topour in.
It can't be like a one-sidedthing where it's like I'm here
to get something.
If you're not able to give itto me because you're in PMDD, a
(26:55):
problem for me.
I've dated people and it's kindof like they're good with me
until I can't provide them whatit is that they need.
Like if I'm not the fun person,if I'm not the outgoing person,
then it's a problem.
You have to be generous in away that's like I'm here to pour
into you.
I'm not here to get my cupfilled.
I'm not only contacting youwhen I need something from you.
I'm not only connecting withyou when I need something from
(27:19):
you.
I'm not only connecting withyou when I need something from
you.
I've seen couples like thatwhere you're kind of at odds but
all of a sudden you get reallynice when you want to have sex,
you want your needs met or youwant some kind of affection or
attention.
So you're kind of like, hey, hi, what's going on with you?
Again, we can smell it out.
I need you to be generous in away that it's not all about you
that's the best way that I candescribe it that you genuinely
are coming into connection andor relationship with someone and
(27:40):
not thinking that it's allabout you.
And the next thing is notselfish, like I just talked
about.
It's not self-serving.
It's not like you're here toserve me.
I'm only with you so that youcan like serve these needs, and
if you're not able to do it,then I don't have any use for
you.
So I'm not going to pour intoyou Like the way my energy that
I give you is contingent uponwhat you give to me like a quid
(28:02):
per quo, like if you do this forme, then I do this for you.
Like that's not a goodrelationship for PMDD, because
when you get in your lutealphase, what if you do less?
Then what is your partner goingto do?
Stop doing everything it couldpotentially happen and that's
not a good PMDD partner orcompanion for you, because then
you're going to feel the needand the pressure to show up a
certain way and feel like if Idon't show up this way and be
(28:23):
this person for them, thenthey're not going to be able to
give me the things that I need.
It's almost like someone havingmoney to give you.
Like you're at the checkoutline at McDonald's, you don't
have any money and they have themoney to give you something,
but they're just choosing not tobecause you're not showing up
the way that they want you to be.
And they're like, oh well, ifyou would only be this way, I
would give you, like the moneyfor the McDonald's.
Like okay, buddy, not a goodfit.
(28:45):
And the next thing isconsiderate, like where they're
really tuning into yourexperience.
Like a lot of times during thisdate he was like how are you
feeling?
Oh, you like this, or oh,that's good, or oh, you want,
like I didn't hit the ball, likein the right place.
A couple of times he's likethat's okay, we'll just put an
extra ball down here.
Like, like, like, and I'm gonnaput my ball before yours and
(29:06):
I'm going to let you hit theball before mine.
Like he just was very generouswhere he could have been like
well, I don't know what to tellyou Like and granted, it was my
first time and maybe you knowwe're dating and so he's trying
to like, but it was very genuine, it wasn't fake, it was kind of
like, yeah, I know, and thenmade it seem like it was no
problem.
I know a lot of times partners,when they have to do these
things in PMDD, they try to makeyou like, punish you for it and
(29:28):
like making it to a big deal.
But he was basically making itseem like it was no big deal to
be good to me, to be like aperson that I felt safe and
secure with and taken care of,and so I just wanted to talk to
you about what it's like to datesomeone.
I'm not saying be with someone,date someone, be with someone
who has these characteristics ofkindness, of patience, of
(29:50):
empathy, of generosity, of notbeing selfish and being
considerate, because these arethe key things that would make
an amazing PMDD companion oramazing PMDD partner, and I
wanted to allow you to see thatin action, because I believe
that a lot of the partners thatare listening these are little
things that you can implement,little tiny things throughout
(30:11):
the day that can show yourpartner that you're willing to
be more supportive and you'rewilling to support them on their
journey all month long, notjust during the luteal phase.
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom or goto the link in the show notes,
get the course.
My Partner has PMDD Now, what,it's still on sale all month for
the month of January.
And then also, you know, justcontinue to listen and get the
(30:34):
tips and take notes.
I would say that that's onething that's been helping a lot
of my listeners.
Even if you listen to me on thego, if something resonates with
you, even put it in the notesapp and it's really going to
help you to understand what youneed in a partner and also what
you can do as a partner.
All right, we got this.
I love you.
So I'm really excited to do this episode.
As you know, I am dating withPMDD and I just came off of a
date straight from the golfcourse and I really wanted to
talk to you because thisindividual that I went on a Now
what?
And there are sixcharacteristics of a supportive
PMDD partner and I go in depthwith that.
(00:28):
So if you've not gotten theprogram, like, go to
inlovewithpmddcom or the link inthe show notes and you'll be
able to get that program withthe whole layout of that that
you can give to your partner andeven just get for yourself to
just know how to tell yourpartner what a supportive PMDD
partner looks like.
But I wanted to show you inlive, like a live action, like
(00:51):
real life, what it looks like tovet someone if you're dating,
if you're like going out ondates and you're like how do I
know if they're going to be agood PMDD partner?
Because, as I told you before,I dated and I didn't date for
PMDD, I just dated and then Ijust hoped.
You know, I did like that hopeand a wish and like I hope
they're a good PMDD partnerafter the fact, because I was
(01:13):
dating most of the time in myfollicular phase and I wasn't
realizing that.
I'm not always like this whenI'm in my follicular phase, and
so I'm in PMDD right now andI've literally made it a point
to date in my luteal phase sothat I'm able to see how I react
.
He's just texting me right nowso I'm able to see how I react
(01:35):
to the person, how they interactwith me, the PMDD me, the
luteal me because the follicularversion of me and my
personality is completelydifferent from the luteal me,
because the follicular versionof me and my personality is
completely different from theluteal version of me, and I've
come to terms with that.
I just know that.
It's a thing I remember earlierin my journey.
(01:56):
I tried to deny it.
I'm like I'm the same all monthlong, but I'm really not.
I'm really actually not.
But what I have learned is Ican be amazing all month long.
It's just a different versionof me.
But I don't try to be thefollicular version of me anymore
.
I remember exhausting myself,trying to have the same amount
(02:18):
of energy, to have the sameamount of bubbliness, to have
the same amount of love ofinteracting and being an
extrovert and socializing.
I tried to do that in my lutealphase and I ended up suffering,
and so I felt good about thefact that I was like putting off
this persona, like I can do it.
But I felt horrible aboutmyself because my poor cortisol
(02:40):
levels were high.
Because your body doesn't lie.
When you're experiencing stresswithin your body and your
cortisol levels are high, yourPMDD symptoms are going up.
So anytime that you'reexperiencing stress, just know
that your PMDD symptoms areincreasing.
So even if on the outside itlooks like you're great, on the
inside your PMDD symptoms it'slike somebody's turning up the
(03:02):
dial.
And I remember being in thatplace of being like.
I remember thinking like howmuch longer can I keep this up?
Like I was feeling good aboutmyself, but then I was also not,
because I knew it wasn'tsustainable.
And so I just decided thatwhatever state that I'm in, that
I'm going to be that way withwhoever I'm connecting with.
So if you meet me and we go outon a date in my luteal phase or
(03:24):
we go out on a date on myfollicular phase, I'm going to
be whoever I am in that moment.
I'm not going to try to be anydifferent version of myself,
just to see how you interactwith that.
Because, like I said my ex hada lot of issues with the luteal
version of me, like who I was inPMDD.
Did they have a problem with meand my follicular phase?
No, if I could have stayed inmy follicular phase the whole
(03:46):
time, it would have been acompletely different story.
But that's not the case, and soI can't live in delusion.
I can't live in like la-la landand literally think that who I
am in my follicular phase is whoI am all the time, and so I
just committed to that.
So I noticed let me run youthrough this because I want to
give you like a real lifeexample of me being in PMDD and
(04:07):
dating.
So number one I was.
I set the date for four o'clockand I was still recording
another podcast, I was editingit and all the things around,
like three, 40 something, and soI guess he had been.
No, I guess I saw he had beentexting me, but of course I'm
recording and so he ended upcalling me because I guess I
(04:30):
wasn't responding to the textmessages because we were going
golfing and he wanted to know ifI needed like an extra set of
golf clubs.
He was like, hey, cause it wasa.
You know, it's not top golf,it's like an actual golf course.
So he was trying to figure outdid he need to bring like clubs
or was I good and I wasn'tresponding because I was
recording?
And then I guess I wasn'tresponding and he was trying to
(04:53):
leave out the house and so hecalled me Number one.
I immediately felt the trigger.
Right, it's nothing wrong withfeeling triggers from people
that you're dating and you're ina relationship with.
So I just want to let you knowthat.
So I didn't think like, oh mygosh, he's the problem, because
I felt the trigger.
Like I was already like in thezone, auto zone, and then he
called and I was triggered.
(05:13):
So I noticed that and I waslike, oh, like he's one of those
people where if you don'tanswer his text messages and he
sends you multiple text messages, he's going to call like duly
noted.
That's one thing that you haveto do is you have to study your
partner.
You have to study the personthat you're dating in order to
understand their patterns andwhat they naturally do.
So I got that I'm like okay.
So he called me and Iimmediately pressed ignore.
(05:35):
So, like I was in PMV, I waslike ignore, like decline,
decline, decline.
And then I finished like all ofthe editing and then I called
him back and he said hey, whatwere you doing?
Sleeping?
Again, I'm in PMDD.
So of course I took offenselike no, chicken nugget, I'm not
sleeping, I'm actually abusinesswoman.
(05:55):
I was working like there's.
Easily I could have gone downthe rabbit hole of being like
who do you think I am?
But I just noticed that I hadthat kind of like reaction to
things.
Like because I'm in PMDD, I'mvery self-aware to know that's a
me thing.
Like I'm thinking like thatbecause I'm in PMDD, because if
I was in my follicular phase Iwould just immediately be like
no, I was just doing this.
(06:16):
But because I was in PMDD, Iimmediately felt offended.
There's nothing wrong with youhaving negative thoughts in PMDD
.
I'm going to repeat that.
There is nothing wrong with youhaving negative thoughts and
emotions in PMDD.
It is what you choose to doabout them that does the damage
in your connections and yourrelationships.
So the fact that I had thisnegative thought, I need you to
(06:38):
start looking at it like it's anoutside entity, because I
remember being in PMDD sometimesand my PMDD brain says these
comments and I'm like dang, thatwas harsh, like I would never
say that, like it's almost likeyou're, you're in a closet, you
pick and choose the things thatyou actually say, um.
And so I was just like, no, Iwas um, I was, you know,
recording a podcast, I was doingthis.
(06:59):
And he was like, oh okay, like,anyway, I'm doing this.
And he was like I just wantedto know if you needed clubs and
blah blah.
And I was like, hey, I'm gonnabe 15 minutes late.
One of the biggest things that Iuse is like a kind of like a
gauging tool for those who I'mdating while I have PMDD is well
, I always have PMDD, but it'stime management.
(07:19):
I remember so many times in thepast I've been with a lot of
partners that the fact that I'mlate and I'm always late I just
know that about me, and I knowthat about me because I'm doing
a billion things.
It's not like I'm sitting onthe couch eating bonbons.
I'm trying to manage a billionthings.
I have a daughter.
I homeschool my daughter.
I have a dog.
(07:39):
I walk my dog all the time.
I have another whole, separatecareer that I manage.
I have my clients with PMDD.
I have a podcast.
I have clients that I emailclients that are texting me all
the time.
So I have a lot of things thatare going on in my life and I
just can't be with someone thatis so triggered by me being a
(08:01):
couple minutes late.
Not because I'm disrespectingthem, not because I'm thinking
that they're less than me,because a couple minutes late,
not because I'm disrespectingthem, not because I'm thinking
that they're less than mebecause they have to wait, no,
it's just because I'm always inthe realm of like I'm a first
responder and I recognize thatwhen I was on the plane the
other day and somebody I wasgoing to La La Land, I was going
to LA before the Californiawildfires and someone passed out
(08:23):
and they were like, are thereany medical doctors, are there
any first responders?
Like that's me.
So I feel like when you havethose jobs that are very
stressful, very like high strung, like you can't be with someone
that's so rigid and will takesomething that you're doing to
just help other people as ablatant attack on them.
I never, never, never want todisrespect anyone.
(08:46):
I never, never, never want todisrespect anyone's time.
But I also know that I live abusy life and that's not slowing
down anytime soon.
So if I already automaticallymeet someone and they're
triggered by me being a coupleminutes late and I give them an
explanation, I'm not saying Ijust show up and I'm like, hey,
I'm here, you're lucky, I'm here.
I say, hey, I was still doinghomework with my daughter, or
(09:08):
hey, I was doing this, and liketheir understanding, like they
have empathy, that's the signthat they're a good PMDD partner
and or companion, becausethey're willing to take
themselves out of theirdiscomfort of whatever they had
to do, sit in the car for twominutes or whatever it is, and
really understand theperspective of somebody else and
not choose to be pissed offabout it.
(09:28):
But I understand even they gettriggered.
I understand if they gettriggered because I'm a couple
minutes late, like I expect it,and so I go in if I'm ever late
and I'm not always late.
But if I am, I just explainlike hey, I had this going on,
I'm so sorry.
Like I'm very apologetic.
There's no egocentric or likenarcissistic.
(09:49):
Like, oh, I'm like you shouldbe lucky, I'm here.
Like no, I'm very apologeticand I will try my best to be on
time, but a lot of times I'm noton time.
Like my closest friends lie tome about the time, like if we're
supposed to like show up, tolike go somewhere at 4.30,
they'll tell me four, which isperfect, because I'll end up
getting there like 4.20, andthey're like oh good, you're
early and I'm like what?
So it's like a thing.
(10:11):
So basically he called me andthe first trigger was that he
called me and I was just likewhat's going on?
And that cause I had my phoneon do not disturb.
Whenever I'm recording podcasts, I had my phone on do not
disturb.
Whenever I'm recording podcastsI have my phone on do not
disturb, but if you callmultiple times it'll go through,
because it thinks that it's anemergency.
And so then when I called himback and I'm like, hey, I'm
(10:31):
doing this, and then he said, oh, are you sleeping?
Like that was another trigger.
So I had a choice of like how Iresponded to that and then he
was just like okay, well, I justneeded to know if you needed
extra clubs.
We're going to be here, here'sthe address, all the things.
So I drive there.
And then I kind of calmed downfrom that trigger of being
offended by him thinking that Iwas sleeping, I was doing
nothing with my time, because hetold me why.
(10:54):
He was like oh, I was justcalling you because I'm leaving
the house and I needed to knowif you need extra golf clubs,
because I have a set of golfclubs.
This is not top golf.
You need golf clubs in order togo there.
You're probably not going tolike my golf clubs, all the
things.
So I was like okay, yeah.
So again I didn't have theattitude.
Right, it's not what happens,it's your attitude about what
(11:15):
happens.
I drive there and he's alreadyin the golf cart, has all the
things, trigger number threebecause I'm like wait, I thought
we were going to be in theparking lot, like we were going
to meet and walk in together.
He's like I got there early.
I got the golf cart immediately.
I got triggered because I feltlike, oh, so you didn't wait for
me to get there in order tostart.
Like in my PMDD brain, you'realready like golfing like 75
(11:36):
rounds before even getting to me, which.
No, what he was actually doingwas getting the golf cart,
getting the golf club set up andgetting everything set up so he
could just pick me up rightfrom my car.
So this is how I can tell youyour PMDD brain will play tricks
on you Don't listen to yourPMDD brain, because I could have
gotten an attitude by the factthat he already had the cart,
(12:01):
because In reality, he wasreally setting everything up, so
it could be like less, you know, stressful for me.
He's like, hey, you don't needto sit at the front desk and get
the card and get this and seeme pay for this, I have
everything set up for you.
So I had to regulate my PMDDbrain Again.
This is what I mean when you'redating and you're in your luteal
phase or in a relationship.
(12:21):
In your luteal phase, there aregoing to be multiple triggers.
There's going to be like pew,pew, pew, like they're doing
this and they're doing that andyou have to literally tell
yourself they're just trying todo this.
Like you have to talk toyourself and literally say this
is the reality of the situation.
Like calm down, chicken nugget.
Like don't get pissed off.
He was just trying to get thecart, he was just trying to do
this like whatever, because PMDDwill make you think that
(12:44):
everything is malicious,maliciously.
I'm thinking that he's alreadyplaying golf.
He's having a good time.
If anything happens, he's goingto have a good time without me,
like he didn't care whether Igot made it there or not Like
this is the way that your PMDDbrain will spiral.
And then I got in the cart andhe was like no, I just didn't
want you to wait.
And so I went ahead and got thecart and I'm coming to pick you
up by your car and all thethings and I'm like, oh, this is
(13:07):
why you, this is why you don'tlet PMDD make you look like a
fool, because you don'timmediately react to it.
If I would have got in the cartand be like you over here
playing golf without me and blah, blah, like I would have looked
like a fool and he probablywould have never talked to me
ever again in life.
But because I was just like, oh,thank you, because you shut
your mouth.
Whenever you have thesetriggers that are going on in
(13:29):
PMDD, you shut your mouth.
Whatever accusations that youfeel, until you have evidence,
shut your mouth.
I don't care how convincingPMDD is, you do not go reacting
to your partner, you don't goacting different, because then
you're going to feel guilty andyou're going to feel stupid.
You're genuinely going to feelstupid if you figure out that
the thing that you thought yourpartner was doing that was
(13:50):
malicious, genuinely wasn't.
And then your partner is goingto think you're crazy, you're
going to feel stupid.
And then you're going to feellike, oh, it's just PMDD, I
guess I can't be in arelationship.
No, just whenever you see thetriggers, you feel the triggers,
you acknowledge it.
Because I acknowledged it, Iwas like, oh, I'm triggered by
the fact that I arrived.
I thought he was sitting in hiscar, but he's really already
got the golf cart, he's alreadyput the golf clubs in there.
(14:12):
And I acknowledged that I wastriggered.
And then when he explained thisis where we go into the
investigation, then it's like,oh, okay, is there really a
reason for me to be triggered ifhe was actually trying to make
things better for me?
And I've seen this happen somany times with my private
clients, where they've gone tobe mad at their partner and
they're like he didn't call meall day long and he was doing
this and this and this, and thenyou find out that he had
(14:32):
something stressful with workgoing on, or you find out his
phone didn't work, or you findout some other reason other than
the fact that he wasmaliciously trying to not answer
your call, and then you lookcrazy for reacting to him,
leaving him 75 voicemails andain't rage texting and all of
these things Like, just pause,pause, take a moment, think it
over with Twix, take a momentbefore you react.
(14:56):
You need to be absolutely surebefore you react and so I was
like, oh okay, so that wasanother sign that he showed me
that he was generous, like hewas not selfish, he was very
considerate, another sign of agood PMDD partner and or showed
me that he was generous, like hewas not selfish, he was very
considerate, another sign of agood PMDD partner and or
companion, because he was tryingto set things up to take care
of me when I arrived.
He didn't wait till I arrived.
He said I'm going to take careof things before that.
(15:18):
And then we started to playgolf and I haven't played golf
in forever.
Now I do know how to play golfbecause my first husband is in
the PGA tours and all of thosethings.
He's a professional golfer,like a golf instructor, and so I
know all about it, but Ihaven't played in forever other
than Topgolf and this wasobviously a golfer like, who
(15:40):
does it like all the time like aprime hobby, and I know from
being married to a golfer thatif you golf, you really golf.
Like it's a thing where I'mpretty sure he's vetting me,
like he's wanting to be in arelationship with someone who's
open to either golfing orunderstanding the world of
golfing, because it's adifferent world when you're in a
(16:01):
relationship with someone whogolfs, because it literally let
me break it down for you I wasin labor with my daughter, who's
15, and my husband had PGA onthe daggone TV that they had in
the labor room.
Like golfers are intensegolfers.
It's an all-encompassing sport.
Like it's one of those hobbiesthat really kind of take over
(16:23):
your life and it's not a bad,it's definitely.
It's such an amazing sport,it's such an amazing hobby that
I remember when I met my ex andhe was already a golfer and we
were so like we were sodifferent in age, like he was 15
years older than me, like canyou imagine?
So like I was 21, he was 36.
(16:44):
So like we got married.
Really, really, I got marriedyoung, he got married at like a
regular age, like, but Iremember I was just finding out
about myself.
I really think sometimes, youknow, I was talking to my dating
coach and he doesn't believethat like wrong time, right
person kind of thing, like thatyou can meet the right person
but it's just at the wrong time.
(17:04):
But I genuinely believe a lotof the things that me and my
first husband we argued about orwhatever it had to do with the
fact that I was not in the sameplace in my life Like he was in
this established place.
He knew golf was his thing.
I was 21.
I was just getting to know mything.
I wanted to learn, I wanted himto be my thing.
(17:25):
I was in that realm of notreally having a hobby and
wanting my partner to be myhobby and just spend time and
all these things.
And I was just young andwanting a family and I wanted
that to be my main thing.
And he was like I'm a golferand I want to have a family.
I value that, but this is a bigpart of my life and a lot of
(17:47):
the time that he was spendinggolfing I wanted him to spend at
home, specifically after ourdaughter was born.
And that was like a form of likecontention, because when you
golf it's something about it.
That's just like you can't notdo it, like it's almost like if
you're not doing it, you'rethinking about doing it.
You're signing up for otherthings.
It's kind of like me withraving not doing it.
You're thinking about doing it,you're signing up for other
things.
It's kind of like me withraving, like with the dancing,
(18:08):
where I'm like signing up forother like festivals.
I'm like, oh, they're havingone here.
Like you're constantly thinkingabout doing the hobby.
And I think if I was in a placelike this age, like the age of
39, where I was like fullyestablished with, like, what are
my hobbies, it would have beenway easier because when he was
golfing I could have been ravingor doing other things that,
like I was specificallypassionate about.
(18:29):
But I think if you're in arelationship and you and your
partner don't equally havehobbies that are the same way
that they consume you, then it'sa problem because you're going
to start to resent your partner,specifically in the luteal
phase, for not you know, likebeing there for you.
Like if I was raving and mypartner was doing whatever, like
(18:50):
I wouldn't mind because I hadmy own thing.
Like they have their thing andwe don't have to have the same
thing.
It's just about having a thingthat you're doing that brings
you joy.
And so I really think that whenI married so young I didn't
really know myself.
I knew that I wanted a familyand that's pretty much all I
knew.
My identity was willing to beshapeshifted into who I was with
(19:13):
.
Like I was in that phase wherewhoever I was with, like I could
see the pattern Like when I waswith different partners I would
like shapeshift into if theylike this.
I was like like I remember onetime I was like looking at
football and like they I think Italked about this on a previous
episode and they were like intolike Alabama, and I was like
roll tide and I still to thisday don't know what happens in
(19:33):
the game of football, like Idon't know what they're doing, I
don't know why there's so manypeople out there.
I don't know why they keepblowing the whistle Like, but I
was seriously with the jersey,like all of the things, because
that's what they were into.
And so my way of being inrelationships, I noticed that I
kind of immersed myself.
So when I was coming back togolf, I was actually enjoying it
(19:55):
today and I was like oh my gosh, and I literally said that as I
was getting ready, I was like Icould see at this age in my
life how I could enjoy golfing.
I could see how it can be areally good hobby activity for
me to do.
Like it takes five or six hoursto go through eight holes, so
that was.
Or 18 holes, so that wasanother thing.
Like my husband was always gonebecause he worked and then he
(20:17):
was golfing and then he wasalways gone and always gone on
tournaments.
And it's not like a short, likecouple hour things, it's like
18 hours or 18 hours.
I keep saying, oh my God, 18holes and multiple hours, and
then come home and then justwant to go to sleep because
you've been like out on thething all day.
It's just like you.
If you're a golfer, it's almostbetter for you to be with
(20:38):
another golfer or somebodythat's open to golf.
So I really admire what my datewas trying to do, because
that's six hours in a golfcourse and a golf cart, like
talking, like we were talkingabout different things and blah
blah and we were connecting andso he probably wants to be with
someone that's just open to it.
Not even that you have to begood at it.
(20:59):
He was like teaching me, sothat was another thing.
He had a lot of patience.
So when I got there obviously Itold you I hadn't done it in a
long time he was very patient.
So that was another sign of agood PMDD partner or companion
very patient.
So that was another sign of agood PMDD partner or companion
that when I missed it and I hadto let go two feet or I like
chucked it and I got up the dirton the thing.
Like he was so patient.
(21:21):
He was like that's okay, likeI'm pretty sure the next one
you're going to get it.
Like he was so kind and thatwas so attractive to me that he
was so kind and not likeirritated and annoyed because I
wasn't at the level that he wasat.
Like he even did like a videoIf you're on my Instagram,
you'll see it in a couple ofdays Like I'll post it.
(21:41):
He did a video of me golfing.
Like he was like you want me tosee, like when your best swing
is.
Like he took multiple videos ofme like swinging the club,
whether it was good or bad, andgave really good encouragement
and I was just.
Like it really put me at ease.
Like there was no need to belike perfect, there was no need
to get it right.
He was just happy that I wasdoing it with him.
(22:03):
And then we get, we get inthere.
He like set my tee up for me,like I I remember bringing the
ball and the little tee thing tothe thing, and he was like, oh,
I have it right here.
Like he, I thought he wassetting it up for him and he was
setting it up for me and I waslike, oh so he was like very
generous in that way and it wasjust like little characteristics
that I saw in his personalitythat he's like I got you.
(22:26):
He kept saying that like no, no, no, it's fine, I got you.
Or you're doing really, reallygood, or you're like a couple,
like let me give you a littlepointers on this and like, and
even when I would like dohorrible, he's like that's okay
or like, oh, that was over there, like he didn't make me feel
bad about it, even though he'sway superior in the sport, um,
and I admired that.
So, like I would say, kindnessis a really big sign when you
(22:51):
have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder, just being kind, even
if you're frustrated, even ifyou're annoyed because I know at
some points he probably wasbecause when you're a golfer and
you want to go down to multiple.
We only played two holes, wewent to the range and we hit a
couple balls or a lot, and thenhe gave me some of his.
(23:12):
So that's why I'm saying likehe was very generous, like I ran
out of balls cause I was likehitting them all over the place,
and then he gave me some of his.
He was like oh, here's somemore Like and it wasn't like a
impotent, like it wasn't like hewas being generous, like a woe
is you?
He was just like here you go,like it's okay, keep practicing.
Like he was very encouraging,very motivating.
(23:34):
And then he was very patientand he had empathy.
He knew that I was trying andso he was trying to encourage me
the best way that he could.
He stopped doing what he wasdoing because you know people
who are like very engrossed inan activity like tennis, golf,
like basketball, whatever goingto the gym.
I've gone to the gym withpeople and they're just like I'm
going to do my thing, likethey're so much into themselves
(23:57):
that they're like if you'restruggling, they'll like leave
you behind, and it's like theyjust have the personality where
they're just like hey, I'm notgoing to let this impact my
workout or my game or my this.
And he literally stopped what hewas doing and was like, let me
see what little tweaks I cangive you.
And then when I would hit theball or whatever, he would just
be like oh, golf is hard.
(24:17):
It's like so many things toremember, like you're doing
great.
And I just appreciated himacknowledging how difficult it
was like to just remember allthe things and just being really
considerate and I told him thatI was having a good time and
he's like oh, are you having agood time?
And he knew that I was in themoon, into the moon, because the
moon was a full moon today.
And I was like, oh my gosh,look at the moon.
(24:38):
And so he started to like pointit out, like wow, it's
beautiful and like all thesethings.
So like I feel like he was acouple of things that make an
amazing PMDD companion a partner.
I can't say anything for ourfuture.
And that's what I learned aboutdating.
Like I had to learn the likefrom my dating mentor.
The like dating is an event,it's not a relationship.
(25:00):
It doesn't mean that we'reabout to get married, but I can
admire like a lot of thingsabout people and the first thing
is kindness that he had.
Like if you're in arelationship with someone who
has PMDD, you need to be kindand you need to be able to
control your emotions in orderto be kind and not kind in a
condescending way.
I've been with partners thathave been kind and inwardly, I
(25:21):
felt their energy and theyreally wanted to cuss me out.
So you have to genuinely bekind Like it's not a fake.
Kind like oh, like that's goodfor you.
Like I can tell the difference,chicken nugget.
Like I'm not an idiot.
Like don't be condescending,because people with PMDD we can
sniff that out.
And the first thing is and thenext thing is patience.
Like you have to be patient forwhatever comes out.
(25:43):
And that's not giving a greenlight to individuals that are
having PMDD and struggling withtheir emotions.
It's not saying we can run allover you and all these things.
But if I don't meet the markevery time, if I'm not on time
every time, if I'm not like, Ineed you to not have an attitude
chicken nugget.
Like I need you to not make itworse by being pissed off by
(26:05):
something that I'm genuinelytrying my best, if you know me
and you know that I'm trying mybest, be a little bit patient.
Know me and you know that I'mtrying my best.
Like, be a little bit patient.
Have and the next thing is haveempathy in order to just say,
oh hey, it's not all about me.
Like I understand what you'regoing through, or that must suck
that you're going through that,or oh, there's traffic, or
whatever the thing is.
Like, have empathy for myexperience and not just thinking
(26:27):
about yours.
I'm like I don't give a crapwhat you're going through.
I'm pissed off that you're late.
Generous, like you have to begenerous and being able, and not
just generous with like I'm nottalking about monetarily, I'm
talking about with your energy.
Like you have to be willing topour in.
It can't be like a one-sidedthing where it's like I'm here
to get something.
If you're not able to give itto me because you're in PMDD, a
(26:55):
problem for me.
I've dated people and it's kindof like they're good with me
until I can't provide them whatit is that they need.
Like if I'm not the fun person,if I'm not the outgoing person,
then it's a problem.
You have to be generous in away that's like I'm here to pour
into you.
I'm not here to get my cupfilled.
I'm not only contacting youwhen I need something from you.
I'm not only connecting withyou when I need something from
(27:19):
you.
I'm not only connecting withyou when I need something from
you.
I've seen couples like thatwhere you're kind of at odds but
all of a sudden you get reallynice when you want to have sex,
you want your needs met or youwant some kind of affection or
attention.
So you're kind of like, hey, hi, what's going on with you?
Again, we can smell it out.
I need you to be generous in away that it's not all about you
that's the best way that I candescribe it that you genuinely
are coming into connection andor relationship with someone and
(27:40):
not thinking that it's allabout you.
And the next thing is notselfish, like I just talked
about.
It's not self-serving.
It's not like you're here toserve me.
I'm only with you so that youcan like serve these needs, and
if you're not able to do it,then I don't have any use for
you.
So I'm not going to pour intoyou Like the way my energy that
I give you is contingent uponwhat you give to me like a quid
(28:02):
per quo, like if you do this forme, then I do this for you.
Like that's not a goodrelationship for PMDD, because
when you get in your lutealphase, what if you do less?
Then what is your partner goingto do?
Stop doing everything it couldpotentially happen and that's
not a good PMDD partner orcompanion for you, because then
you're going to feel the needand the pressure to show up a
certain way and feel like if Idon't show up this way and be
(28:23):
this person for them, thenthey're not going to be able to
give me the things that I need.
It's almost like someone havingmoney to give you.
Like you're at the checkoutline at McDonald's, you don't
have any money and they have themoney to give you something,
but they're just choosing not tobecause you're not showing up
the way that they want you to be.
And they're like, oh well, ifyou would only be this way, I
would give you, like the moneyfor the McDonald's.
Like okay, buddy, not a goodfit.
(28:45):
And the next thing isconsiderate, like where they're
really tuning into yourexperience.
Like a lot of times during thisdate he was like how are you
feeling?
Oh, you like this, or oh,that's good, or oh, you want,
like I didn't hit the ball, likein the right place.
A couple of times he's likethat's okay, we'll just put an
extra ball down here.
Like, like, like, and I'm gonnaput my ball before yours and
(29:06):
I'm going to let you hit theball before mine.
Like he just was very generouswhere he could have been like
well, I don't know what to tellyou Like and granted, it was my
first time and maybe you knowwe're dating and so he's trying
to like, but it was very genuine, it wasn't fake, it was kind of
like, yeah, I know, and thenmade it seem like it was no
problem.
I know a lot of times partners,when they have to do these
things in PMDD, they try to makeyou like, punish you for it and
(29:28):
like making it to a big deal.
But he was basically making itseem like it was no big deal to
be good to me, to be like aperson that I felt safe and
secure with and taken care of,and so I just wanted to talk to
you about what it's like to datesomeone.
I'm not saying be with someone,date someone, be with someone
who has these characteristics ofkindness, of patience, of
(29:50):
empathy, of generosity, of notbeing selfish and being
considerate, because these arethe key things that would make
an amazing PMDD companion oramazing PMDD partner, and I
wanted to allow you to see thatin action, because I believe
that a lot of the partners thatare listening these are little
things that you can implement,little tiny things throughout
(30:11):
the day that can show yourpartner that you're willing to
be more supportive and you'rewilling to support them on their
journey all month long, notjust during the luteal phase.
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom or goto the link in the show notes,
get the course.
My Partner has PMDD Now, what,it's still on sale all month for
the month of January.
And then also, you know, justcontinue to listen and get the
(30:34):
tips and take notes.
I would say that that's onething that's been helping a lot
of my listeners.
Even if you listen to me on thego, if something resonates with
you, even put it in the notesapp and it's really going to
help you to understand what youneed in a partner and also what
you can do as a partner.
All right, we got this.
I love you.
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