January 20, 2025 • 59 mins
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What if you could transform the way you navigate relationships affected by PMDD? In our latest episode, we tackle this question head-on, drawing inspiration from personal experiences and the new year's momentum to break free from repetitive cycles. We explore the importance of having a proactive partner who is committed to creating a fulfilling relationship, even amidst the challenges posed by PMDD. Through heartfelt stories and insights, we aim to inspire listeners to live life aligned with their true passions, pushing past the obstacles that PMDD might present.
We lay out a structured approach to tackling dissatisfaction in relationships, sharing three essential steps: acknowledging the issue, processing emotions, and crafting a plan to move forward. Our discussion also highlights the creative use of non-offensive language to make the podcast accessible to younger audiences. We emphasize the power of setting boundaries and prioritizing mental health by assessing weekly interactions to identify those who contribute positively or negatively to our lives. By doing so, we aim to empower our listeners to break old patterns and strive for a healthier, more fulfilling experience with their partners.
Ending on a powerful note, we delve into the emotional journey of accepting loss and the importance of self-forgiveness. We share personal stories about the struggles of loneliness and the power of maintaining connections, even when they're no longer part of our present. By establishing emotional and physical boundaries, we focus on what can be controlled, highlighting the necessity of self-reflection and the release of blame. With a heartfelt reminder that both divine and personal love surround us, we close this episode with a commitment to our journey and a message of support for our listeners as they navigate their own relationships affected by PMDD.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I'm going to be talking all about starting a
new, fresh chapter in your PMDDrelationship.
We are still in the month ofJanuary, we are still going to
be able to take advantage of themomentum that comes with the
new year, and I really justwanted to talk about what it
looks like to start somethingnew in your PMDD journey, with
(00:24):
your PMDD relationship, becauseI remember being in that place
where I was feeling likeeverything in my life, in my
PMDD journey, and every singlemonth was looking the same and I
didn't like it.
And I remember one of thethings that really attracted me
(00:46):
to my partner was one of thesequotes that he used to say like
if you don't like somethingabout your life, change it.
And that was one of the firstthings that resonated with me,
with us even connecting, becauseI had the same mentality that
if you didn't like the waysomething was happening in your
life, like don't just sit thereand take it.
(01:07):
It's kind of like, I imagine,like a video game where you're
just getting punched in the faceand every single month they're
just punching you in the faceand you're dealing with the
bruises and patching yourself upand you know that it's going to
be like that the very nextmonth and I was like I want to
be with someone who is in themindset that, if something isn't
working like, I'm willing to dosomething different to make
(01:32):
things look different, to makethings feel different, because
I'm not signing up for arelationship where my needs
aren't met, where I'm feelingalone.
I'm doing all the things thatlook like I'm in a relationship,
but I'm feeling like I'm alonein my emotional journey and my
physical journey.
There's no intimacy, I'm notconnected.
(01:54):
I'm just doing all of thesethings.
I'm doing my responsibilitiesto make sure the other person is
cared for, but I'm feelingalone.
I want you to really just thinkabout what is the reason that
you are in'm feeling alone.
I want you to really just thinkabout what is the reason that
you are in a relationship.
Because I really had to thinkabout this, because when I met
my ex and any of my exes, I'vealways taken a very big gap.
(02:14):
Now I don't know if I'm goingto take the same amount of gap
that I took before, but betweenone marriage and the other, I've
had two marriages.
I took a 10-year gap and, yes,I had relationships.
Yes, I dated, but I definitelydid not get married again until
I took the appropriate timebecause I didn't want to go back
(02:34):
into that scenario.
It kind of traumatized me alittle bit.
I was kind of like I don't wantto put myself back in that
situation where I'm with aperson that is not willing to do
what it takes to have therelationship that I desire and
deserve.
I think that was the basis ofit and it wasn't even.
I will say that my lastrelationship wasn't PMDD based
(02:57):
as it started, but it was as itended, and so I just didn't want
to be in a relationship whereit wasn't like the person wasn't
willing to work for it.
So I got with someone that wasvery like an alpha, very like
willing to, like you know, doall the things.
So I thought, and because Ireally just didn't want to get
(03:18):
with someone really complacent,really just willing to just deal
with the status quo, like, oh,I guess this is how we are right
now, I guess this is what ourrelationship looks like.
I wanted someone that kind ofwas like wait a minute, if I'm
uncomfortable, I'm willing to dowhat it takes to get to the
place where we're comfortableagain.
That was the thing thatattracted me to my ex the most,
(03:48):
to my ex the most, and I wasn'teven coming on this episode to
talk about how attractive my exwas, but I mean, that's where we
went.
But yeah, I remember it becausethat's what led me.
And I was like, oh my gosh,there's someone.
There was a quote.
They didn't even say itthemselves.
There was a quote that theyposted on their social media.
That was like, if you don'tlike the way that your life is
like, you have the power tochange it.
(04:08):
And I was like, yes, that'swhat I think and I literally I'm
an all in kind of person.
So I think I just took that andwas like, if that's the
mentality that they have, likethat's how they're going to be
for the rest of their lives andthat's how they're going to be
(04:28):
in our marriage and ourrelationship and all the things.
And I'm very impulsive,specifically in my.
Actually I think I'm impulsivein my luteal phase and my
follicular phase.
I will say that I just did aquiz with my daughter.
We just got back from churchand I was doing this quiz
because she was kind of decidingwhat kind of career she wanted
to have after high school.
Like you know, because I'm allfor joining the military or
(04:50):
going to college or just doingsomething that you're really
passionate about, and so youknow, obviously I'm a
psychologist.
So I gave her a quiz and one ofthe questions, you know, was
kind of like, how motivated areyou to do this?
So it gave me a clear exampleof what she she stood for and
what she didn't stand for, whichI love giving these evaluations
(05:12):
to individuals because youlearn something so new about
them.
Like, unless you ask thequestion, you really don't know
the answer.
So I was like oh, you're likethis and you're like this, and I
cause I always want people tolive in a land, in a life of
what they actually desire.
I feel like a lot of things inlife kind of clouded,
(05:33):
specifically PMDD.
It clouds what you originallywanted to do, like.
You were like oh, I originallywas passionate about this, but
because I have PMDD, I can't doit, and so I have a lot of um
about this.
But because I have PMDD, Ican't do it, and so I have a lot
of um PMDD.
You know coaches andpractitioners that I I
communicate with all the timeand I'm like whatever your
passion is like, continue to dothat.
(05:54):
And so I remember just talkingto my daughter to just find out
what her passion was, find outwhat she genuinely wanted to do,
because she was kind of like Ifeel like you're just going to
tell me what to do and I'm justgoing to do it, cause she's like
she said like I'm a peoplepleaser and blah blah, like
she's very self-aware, shedoesn't know the gifts that she
has and like we're going to havethat conversation, but she
doesn't know the gifts that shehas.
(06:15):
She thinks that they're justlike everyone has them.
And I'm like, girl, you are soself-aware, you are so
empathetic, you are so in tunewith people's emotions and
that's a gift.
I think she thinks everyone hasit, and so she's just like, oh,
(06:36):
this is all I have.
But anyway, I remember justbeing in that place of just like
thinking to myself when I wasgoing through things in my PMDD
relationship, like it's alwaysgoing to be like this, it's
always going to be like this.
And then one day I just woke upand I was like no, no, I, I,
because of the original way thatI got with my PMDD partner in.
This is very like weird, but theway that we started is the way
(06:59):
that we ended and what I willsay is, when the comment that he
had on his social media when wefirst met, exchanged social
media and he said or he didn'tsay whatever quote he posted
said if you don't like the waythat your life is, do something
to change it.
That's what caused me to evendo the breakup.
(07:19):
That's crazy to me because Iwas so invested in how it began
that because I genuinely I hadthe buy in for that, because I
don't believe in staying andsuffering.
That's why, even my businesswith trauma I counsel
individuals who've gone throughPTSD, childhood trauma, all of
these things and I never feellike I want you to feel stuck.
(07:44):
So I'm telling you, I know howyour journey has started and I
never feel like I want you tofeel stuck.
So I'm telling you, I know howyour journey has started, I know
where you are.
Do not commit to staying inthat place.
So that statement that was likehey, if you don't like the way
that your life is like, if yourlife sucks, to like bring it
because, like I like to bringthings very practical like okay,
like let's just talk about whatit really means or what it
(08:08):
really looks like If your lifesucks and you don't want your
life to suck, then do somethingdifferent about it so that it
doesn't suck.
It's not just going tomagically unsuck.
There's nothing that's going tohappen where you're going to
wake up the next day and yoursituation is going to look
different without you doingthings differently, going to
wake up the next day and yoursituation is going to look
different without you doingthings differently.
And that's how my relationshipstarted, because I was like
(08:28):
buying in with someone that Iwas like oh, you believe the
same thing that I believe, andwe kind of went on that
rollercoaster and I think a lotof that kind of like led to me
trusting the individual more,because I thought that they had
the same mindset of like, hey,if you don't like the way things
are, don't just stay stuck init and complain about it and
(08:49):
talk about it.
I'm all for processing emotions.
You have to talk about it, youhave to process it and then you
have to move on.
I feel like individuals are verymuch in the one to two to three
steps.
You have to acknowledge it,which is number one.
If anything in your life sucks,you acknowledge it, okay.
So that's number one.
Number two, you process it.
(09:10):
What does that look like?
What does that feel like?
What do I want it to look like,what do I want it to feel like?
And then the third step is tomake a plan and let it go Like
that's it.
You can't stay in the place ofprocessing it and you can't stay
in the place of acknowledgingit.
You have to make a plan to letit go, because you're obviously
acknowledging it, because it'ssomething that you don't want in
(09:32):
your life.
And I realized not everybody hasthe capability, not everybody.
I'm like backspace, backspace,backspace.
Not everybody has the capability.
Because of their willingness todo all three steps, some people
are willing to admit that theirlife sucks in their PMDD
relationship.
They're willing to admit thatthey're processing their
(09:55):
emotions.
I feel anxiety, I feeltriggered by my partner, I feel
hopelessness, I feel like it'snot going to change.
That's number two.
But then number three is I'mwilling to do something to
change it.
That is the golden era, and sowhat I've done is I've been in
relationships with people thatare like the ones and the twos.
You know how they say DJsyou're like on the ones and the
(10:17):
twos.
That's what I've gotten a lotof ones and twos, like you
acknowledge that there's aproblem, you process yeah, this
is how the problem made me feel.
And then, when it comes tonumber three, which is let's do
something different about it sothat we can have a different
experience and result, that'snot always been there, and so I
(10:38):
think my mistake has beenvetting that, if you're willing
to go to number one, that you'rewilling to go to number three
and that's not the process.
So I want you to just askyourself because I'm going to do
these in like a veryaction-based Ask yourself are
you in a place where you're notsatisfied with something in your
PM to date relationship?
Okay, are you in that place?
(11:00):
Is there something in your PMDDrelationship, in your
relationship with your partner,that you're just not happy with
and that you've just tried toignore and you try to pretend
that it's not there?
I've even gone to the point ofpretending that I was okay with
the dysfunction.
And when you pretend thatyou're okay with the dysfunction
(11:23):
, the core of who you are islooking at you, Like, imagine
you trying to give a speech andthere's someone looking at you
giving the side eye like chickennugget, you don't curse on my
podcast, I make it a cleanpodcast, because I have
(11:46):
individuals as young as 13 thatexperienced premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, pmdd and Idon't want them to block our
podcast, and so I even use thatwith my daughter.
My daughter doesn't curse, she'sa teenager.
She's 15 years old.
She doesn't curse.
Her language is chicken nugget.
40 days and 40 nights.
(12:07):
I have a lot of phrases thatI've used since she was younger
that I've replaced usingprofanity, because I feel like
people you don't have to useprofanity.
I get it.
There was even a meditationthat was like the effort
meditation.
So I get where profanity is anoutlet for people, but I don't
use it on my podcast because Idon't want my podcast to be
(12:28):
banned.
I want it to be available foreven those that are young and
dealing with PMDD, and so if Isay things on here that you're
just like, did she just saychicken nugget?
I actually had a coworker on theother realm of what I do I have
like 75 jobs but I saidsomething to them.
I was like, yeah, like you werelate on your process that you
(12:49):
submitted to me, like you werelate on your product, chicken
nugget.
And they were like what did yousay to me?
And I was like you were late onyour product.
They were like, no, what didyou say after that?
I was like chicken nugget.
And they were like, oh my gosh,did you just call me a chicken
nugget?
I'm like, first of all, youdon't even know what that means
and, second of all, I called youthat because I don't curse.
I genuinely don't curse, andwhen I do, it doesn't even sound
(13:11):
like it's right.
And he was like I literallyfeel like you calling me a
chicken nugget is more offensivethan you calling me a piece of
you know what.
And I was just like what.
But I just I'm telling you thatbecause I feel like it's coming
out.
It's coming out on the podcast,so I don't want you to feel
like there was like a glitch inthe system.
But, going back to what we weretalking about when it comes to
(13:38):
recognizing where you are inyour PMDD journey and wanting
something to look different, Iwant that all the time.
It's not just a new year, butI'm just going to use it's like
riding a wave.
I'm just going to use themomentum of the new year to just
ride this way because I feellike people are more open to
making changes in their PMDDrelationship on the new year,
(14:00):
because I've asked every singleone of my private clients do you
want your last year to looklike your new year?
And they're like, absolutelynot.
So like, what do we need to do?
And I just want to say thatwhen you want something to look
new, to feel new not even justlook new, because you may not
even be cared about what otherpeople are thinking but you want
(14:22):
things to feel new in your PMDDrelationship, you can't do the
same things you just can't Like.
When I ended my chapter as beinga PMDD partner and I've talked
about this where I've said that,moving forward, I just want a
PMDD companion I do want topreface and say that that
(14:42):
doesn't mean that I never wantto have a PMDD partner again,
but I want to take theappropriate steps.
And what I recognize fromhiring my dating coach,
investing in my dating coach, isI need to have a companion
before I have a partner, andwhat that means is we need to be
on like, not in the friend zone, but I need to know who you are
(15:04):
before I say that you're mypartner.
I need to know who you are.
In four seasons which I gotfrom my pastor, you need to see
what people look like in fourseasons of their life, and it
doesn't mean winter, spring,summer, fall, but like when
they're up, when they're down,and I tend to choose people when
they're up and then whenthey're down, I'm just like what
(15:27):
the?
I don't know what to do withthis version of you, because
this is not what I signed up forand that's what happens when
you are me, which is I'm veryimpulsive, I'm very much an
Enneagram seven.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I jump all in.
I'm either all in or all out,and so that's been the same way
(15:48):
in every area of my life.
Either I love you and adore youor you're blocked.
And I've literally had blockparties, and not the block
parties where everybody comesoutside and they're like dancing
.
I literally had.
You know, I have evaluationsLike if you don't like the way
something is going in your life,I'll have a block party.
You don't like the waysomething is going in your life,
I'll have a block party.
And I can do a whole notherepisode on this.
But what a block party is?
(16:09):
If I don't like the way thatyou're contributing to my life,
I will block you.
I'm not going to not answer you?
I'm not going to, but I willblock you so I don't have to
deal with the interaction of you.
Like Apple, android, any otherphone that you have has this
amazing feature of block and atsome point in your life,
(16:30):
specifically if you have PMDD,you need to know about this
block feature because you don'thave literally the energy to
deal with the emotionalbandwidth of people playing with
you.
And part of my journey that I'mon is the self-worth journey and
this lovely, lovely, lovelypart of it is boundaries, and
(16:52):
I've gone into having blockparties where every single
Sunday, actually no, no, no.
Every single Saturday night,like I chose my day, every
single Saturday night I look atwho contacts me consistently,
right, because and this isreally important, if you're
dating and you have pre-PMDD,you have premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, like you need tomonitor who is pouring into your
(17:15):
life, because who is speakinginto you, who you're giving
energy to, is going to impactyour PMDD symptoms.
And last night, I will behonest, I was on with my dating
mentor and I had a block party,and what a block party is is
everybody that is notcontributing to my mental health
, meaning you're not trending inthe positive direction.
(17:37):
I blocked you and I knoweverybody could be like, oh my
gosh, but what if it's yourauntie Susie?
And what if it's?
I don't have the capacity?
Because guess what If auntieSusie sends me off a railroad
because I can't deal withwhatever it is that they're
bringing in my life?
What does it matter thatthey're my aunt?
They're going to be speaking atmy eulogy, they're going to be
(17:59):
speaking at my funeral.
Like I literally had to havethis kind of like come to Jesus
moment where I'm like who am Iallowing into my space that is
impacting my PMDD symptoms?
Okay, I've accepted that I havePMDD, right, just let's do this.
Let's do this together.
I've done this with a clientthis week, so let's do this.
(18:20):
This is free 99.
Okay, let's say you have PMDD,which I'm pretty sure you do, or
your partner does, and then youlook at your week, because I
have private sessions with myclients every single week.
Okay, and I say, what do youhave going on in your week this
week?
And they're like oh, I havethis and this and this.
(18:40):
Okay, and I asked them thisquestion who do you have in your
life that could potentiallygive you more stress when you're
in PMDD?
That is a very importantquestion who do you have in your
life that could cause your PMDDsymptoms to be worse?
And I know everybody's like, oh, it's my.
You know it's my partner, it'smy this, it's my that, whoever
(19:05):
it is.
We need to work on that,because if you're in this place
like I had to do that with a lotof people that were like, oh,
it's just because they're familymembers, if you don't
contribute positively to mymental health, you're freaking
out by Sunday morning, like, andI go to church on Sunday
morning, I deal with my, myblock party on Saturday night,
(19:27):
like, that's my party, my partyis.
I go through my phone, I gothrough my messages, I see who
I've been communicating with allweek long and have they brought
me down?
Have they made me feel insecure?
What and I and I?
Let's do this.
Let's look at who youcommunicate on a weekly basis,
list them out, out, and thentell me how they make you feel.
(19:47):
Tell me how they make you feellike just one word, it doesn't
even have to be a long thing.
And if they make you feel likecrap I almost cursed if they
make you feel like, if they makeyou feel less about yourself,
how about they're not going tobe in next week?
I don't believe in like when youhave PMDD.
(20:09):
I don't believe in like theyearly goals.
I believe in the weekly goalsbecause PMDD is weekly, right.
And I'm on day two.
I think I'm on day nine or 10.
No eight, I'm on day eight ofPMDD nine or 10, no eight.
I'm on day eight of PMDD andI'm looking at last week and I'm
(20:30):
looking at the next week,moving forward, and I'm saying,
okay, last week I had certainindividuals that triggered my
PMDD symptoms.
If you're in your luteal phase,even if you're not in your
luteal phase, list out whotriggers you in your luteal
phase.
Like, if I created a big box,I'm giving you like free
counseling right now.
If I created a big box and say,put all the people that trigger
you in your luteal phase, putthem in the box, put them in the
(20:53):
box for the last week, Anybodythat you consistently talk to
and they trigger you in yourluteal phase.
And I'm not saying throw themaway.
I know you're like, oh, dr Rose, you're giving me permission to
like throw them away.
No, I'm saying you need tolimit contact with them and so
if you're dating, it's different, like, if it's your child, it's
(21:15):
not cancel culture with yourchild, it's not cancel culture
with your partner.
If these are people that you'vecommitted to, okay.
So let's do step one, step one,and I didn't plan to do this,
but this is just coming to meLike I feel led.
So if this is okay, so let'slist out people that make you
feel negatively in your lutealphase, and I'll pause right
(21:39):
there.
You can feel free to pause thepodcast if you need to, because
I want you to be working on this, I want me to be providing
value to you.
So who makes you feel like crapin your luteal phase?
That's the easiest way I tellmy private clients to think
about it and who is like anon-negotiable right.
(22:03):
Non-negotiable are kids,husband, partner, all of the
things.
Limit is like friends, blah,blah, blah.
If these are people like, ifyou're dating and you're in the
left-hand side, where you'relike you triggered me in PMDD, I
have two steps for you.
Number one I want you toinvestigate it.
Is it you, because you're inyour luteal phase and you're in
(22:24):
PMDD, or is it the person?
Because there's a difference,because I've had people that are
amazing, that have triggered mein PMDD.
I've had people that areamazing, but just because I was
in PMDD, I was in my lutealphase, they triggered me.
I'm so glad that I didn't throwthem away because when I was in
my follicular phase we had noissue, right.
(22:52):
So you don't want to throw awaypeople or partners when you're
in your luteal phase because youare suffering in PMDD.
You want to really analyze that.
So, like I'm making you into ascientist, like you need to
analyze who you need to limitcontact with and for some people
you just need to limit contactwith during your luteal phase.
Like, if it's not your partner,if it's not your kid, I would
say those are the two that I'mlike do not limit contact with
your partner and your kids.
(23:12):
Your partner and your kids, notyour mom, not your dad, not
your uncle, not your aunt, notyour uncle, like we can go into
a whole scenario.
No, your priority as an adult,as an adult and I just want to
remind, I want to remind you youare a fully functioning adult.
You have the choice of who getsaccess to your bomb, amazing
(23:37):
energy and for those of you whodon't know what bomb is, it's
amazing your amazing energy,regardless of what PMD has tried
to tell you should not be justlike, oh, I'm just giving it out
to everybody.
Everybody has access to me.
That was me.
That's why I'm saying don't dothat, because then you get
depleted for the people thatmean the most.
I'm giving myself out to all ofthese people and I will say
(24:00):
that when I've been in thosemoments of giving myself away to
a lot of people that didn'tdeserve me, it's because I
wasn't getting a lot ofvalidation and safety and
security within my primaryrelationships.
So if your partner is notmaking you feel safe, secure,
taken care of all of thosethings, validated, connected,
(24:22):
then you'll start to search forthat outwardly.
And I did that.
I was like, oh, my partner'snot telling me I'm amazing, but
some other shmomo is telling meI'm amazing.
That's a problem, because nowyou're going to lean into the
people that are telling you thatyou're amazing and so when it
comes to let's circle back.
(24:44):
So hopefully you did thoseexercises, but let's circle back
to when you want to close achapter in your PMDD
relationship.
Like you're, like we've gonethrough and it could be.
It doesn't mean closing therelationship.
It means closing an aspect ofyour relationship that you've
been fighting in again and again, and again, and it's like
(25:04):
listen, we've been fighting witha blended family.
We've been fighting with whodoes the chores.
We've been fighting with youcheated on me, and now I decided
to be with you again.
But now you're giving me sketchvibes.
I'm feeling like you're doingit again, whatever chapter that
you're just like.
I just don't want to deal withthis again.
(25:26):
Like I'm done.
I'm donecomorgedu.
Like I'm done.
And if you're in that placewhere you're like I don't want
to continue to deal with this,the first step and I'm going to
give you the steps right now.
So let's go.
If you're taking notes I hopeyou are you have to acknowledge
it.
Acknowledge the traumaticexperience that it is Validating
(25:46):
the pain during this time inyour life, not with bitterness,
not with resentment, not withfeeling like, oh, I wish this
never happened.
No, you're literally sayingthis mantra that I said I'm
going to give you like theblueprint of what I did when I
acknowledged that it was the endof my marriage, the end of my
(26:07):
PMDD relationship.
I was like you know what?
This is it?
And it happened November oflike I don't know what I mean.
I know when this podcast isgoing to be released in 2025,
january, but, like wheneveryou're listening to this, for 20
, 30, 40 years, 10, 15, whateveryears down the line, I want you
(26:29):
to just like.
The year doesn't matter.
I don't want you to think thatyear matters.
But I said to myself this mantraI acknowledge my emotions in
this state and I give myselfpermission to heal emotions in
this state and I give myselfpermission to heal.
What I was doing as I wassuffering was like acknowledging
that I had a lot of crap todeal with at the end of my
(26:53):
relationship I had.
When I say I acknowledge myemotions, I have frustration, I
had anger, I had bitterness, Ihad resentment, I had
unforgiveness, I had regret, Ihad disappointment.
I named out all of the emotionsthat I had and there were a lot
of them, like a basket of them,like a bucket of them, like a
(27:17):
laundry basket of them, and Isaid and I give myself
permission to heal, and I willsay that the way I healed with
all of those different emotionswere completely different.
So, if you're going throughsome traumatic experience right
now, what I will say list outthe emotions that you're feeling
, because you're going to needdifferent healing for every
single emotion.
The things that I've done in myhealing journey over this past
(27:40):
year have been completelydifferent, based off of the
emotion that it was Like when Ihad a disappointment with the
self-worth that I had, theself-love that was like in the
toilet, in the garbage, like inthe trash.
I had to get people to help mewith each aspect of the emotion
(28:04):
that was causing me to suffer.
That's how I chose, like whenyou know how people would say
like, what's your first step?
I had to acknowledge okay, whatare the emotions that are
causing me suffering?
Okay, it's all of these things.
Well, I need to rebuild all ofthat.
I took personal responsibilityfor every single emotion that I
had in the breakup.
(28:25):
I took personal responsibility.
It's not my partner'sresponsibility.
There's no insurance plan.
Hey, after you get out of thisrelationship, you can redeem me.
No, it was my responsibilitybecause I had one choice I could
decide to be bitter andresentful and unforgiving, or I
could decide to rebuild myselfand make it better, and that's
(28:45):
what I chose.
And the next thing was I wasaccepting what I could not
change, what I could not control, and the biggest thing of that
was I can't change my partnerthat I had before.
I can't change their perceptionof me.
I can't change everyone else'sperception of me.
Like when I was closing thatchapter, I remember one of the
(29:07):
things that almost stopped mefrom doing it was because I was
like, what are they going tothink about me?
And what I meant by they?
I meant the people that weloved and cared for, had
invested time with mutualfriends, which I all lost.
I lost all of our couplefriends.
Don't cry, don't cry.
And I'm not saying don't crybecause you shouldn't cry, but
(29:30):
I'm saying don't cry for mebecause I won't be able to
continue this podcast.
But I literally lost everymutual couple friend that we had
in our relationship during thebreakup.
I lost it.
It was gone, and I knew that.
I knew where the loyalty lied.
I'm very self-aware.
I lost it, it was gone, and Iknew that.
I knew where the loyalty lied.
I'm very self-aware.
I'm a doctor, I've done thethings.
So I knew that when it came tothe breakup, whose side
(29:53):
everybody was going to go on.
I knew who wasn't going tocheck on me.
I knew who thought I was goingto be okay.
Everybody, everybody's.
Everybody always thinks I'mokay, like I have a thing about
me.
I have an air about me and mybest friend, malika, has it too.
Oh, my god, I said her name.
I hope she doesn't mindwhatever.
Um, but we have thispersonality where nobody checks
(30:16):
on us.
Like we're the people we'relike they'll be fine, they're
super positive, like blah, blah,blah, check on me.
Like, check on me.
I feel like I already knew Ihad that personality where
people think I'm great, I'malways great.
Even if I'm sharing my story,they still think but yeah, you
could be.
I could be literally crying onsocial media and people would
(30:38):
still not check on me becausethey'd be like but at the end of
the day, she's going to be fine, she's going to do a workout,
she's going to do a walk andshe's going to be great.
So, like I had to accept thatthat community was gonecom Like
it was gone and I had so manybeautiful memories and I could
have, I could have had a blockparty, I could have blocked the
(31:00):
individuals that were on mysocial media, but I didn't,
because I love and adore themand it's not their fault and
it's not their journey, and Ikept them there because I'm
still me.
I'm still the same person thatthey fell in love with the same
person that they liked and lovedand all the things, and so I
did not block.
So I still have individuals onmy social media that are friends
(31:21):
of my ex, that are not friendsof mine and what I mean.
I don't mean that they're notfriends of mine, like
technically Facebook friends,friends like that's a thing, but
like they're not actively likein my life, but I share my life,
so they're kind of in my life.
I don't know they support me.
But there's some that justabsolutely are like I don't care
if you post that you're withthe, the, the pope, like we're
(31:45):
not, we're not liking it, but westill want to like watch your
journey, which is a whole notherlike okay, okay.
I just didn't feel the need tocontrol that.
So I had to accept what I couldnot change.
I could not change the factthat I was going to lose some
friends that I love and adoredon their journey.
Like one of them even had ababy and I was just like, oh my
gosh, the only time I saw themwas when, like, I was with my ex
(32:09):
and so I couldn't like go downthere and like see the baby girl
.
Like this is a whole likejourney, of like accepting that
I can't change that I'm probablynever gonna be in their life
again.
I don't think I've ever saidthat, but anyway, accepting the
past and what we've been through, it can be peaceful and it can
(32:30):
be painful.
It was painful for me to justaccept what I could not change.
I had to acknowledge, like whenI make this decision, a lot of
things in my life are going tochange.
That's the mantra that I usewhen I make this decision a lot
of things in my life are goingto change.
A lot of the support that I hadI'm probably not going to have
anymore, and it focuses on whatyou can change.
(32:53):
It's like I don't want tochange.
I can't change people.
I can't change other people,including my partner that I had
at the time, but I can acceptwhat happened and release the
need to rewrite it.
I don't need to create thenarrative.
Like I remember one of thethings that my ex said was like
when we break up, just be.
Let's just be clear that you'rethe one that broke up with me,
(33:14):
okay, okay.
Like that was not what was mostimportant to me.
Like I, I don't care who's toblame.
It didn't work out and I I didnot work.
I want it to work out and Idon't care who's at fault, like
that was not my, like I, thatwas like, okay, sure, I'll take
(33:34):
the blame, like I'll be the badguy, whatever the thing is.
Um, the next step that I had tomake when I, when I was like
trying to close the chapter,which is forgive myself and my
partner and it was easy toforgive my partner because I'm a
psychologist, because I've donethe work, I can easily see, I
have this radar.
It's like whenever I meetsomeone, I try not to tell them
(33:57):
what I do, because they're likewhat's your job?
And I'm like I'm a psychologist, and they're like, oh my gosh,
I don't want you to read me, butit a thing Like once you've
done this level of studying for40 days and 40 nights, like
years and years and years, andthen when you counsel people,
like it's easier for you to justinstinctively pick up on these
things.
And I was just like I couldeasily forgive him because I
(34:23):
could easily see where Igenuinely feel like he tried,
like I could easily see where Igenuinely feel like he tried,
like I genuinely feel like hegave.
I'm going to cry.
I genuinely feel like he gaveeverything that he had to give.
So I never blamed him, even whenthere was, you know, points and
times of whatever treatmentlike I will never speak on that,
(34:46):
but I genuinely believe, likehe tried and I was trying to
close that chapter and Iremember thinking, okay, like I
need to forgive all of the timesand places and things that I
have bitterness and resentmentabout and felt like it should
have been handled a differentway.
I forgave him first.
I will say I went in like maybethe wrong order, but like I
forgave him first.
I will say I went in like maybethe wrong order, but like I
(35:08):
forgave him first because Iwanted to move on and just give
him love, like I give everybodyelse.
Like why should he the personthat I was loving the most
outside of my daughter and God?
Like why should he be so far onthe back burner, um, when I had
committed that?
Like why should I?
(35:28):
Like like I can't do thisbecause of this?
I really wanted to get rid ofeverything that was preventing
me from loving him and forgivinghim again, because just because
I'm not with you doesn't meanthat I don't love you.
Obviously, I've done a lot ofthings, since you know
everything happened that provethat, like it's not that.
So I forgave and I meditated onit and I had to do these
(35:55):
mantras and I wrote like aletter, like to just.
And I had to do this for, oh mygosh, I had to do this even for
people when I was dating.
I noticed writing a letterreally helps me because I'm a
writer, I'm an author.
It helps me.
That's how I process things.
So whenever I have to forgivesomeone, I genuinely write them
a letter and I process thingsthrough that.
(36:17):
I don't send it, that's just mypersonal thing.
And then I do the mantra whereI forgive myself and then I do
the mantra where I forgivemyself and I forgive this person
to set myself free from thechains of the past.
Because I know how I've seenpeople.
I've seen bitter old people andI'm not trying to be
(36:40):
disrespectful to the what is it?
The geriatric community.
Yeah, I'm not trying to bedisrespectful, but I've seen
bitter old people and I knowit's not because of anybody
that's in their present day life.
It's because little Jimmy andkindergarten did something in
them and they never reallyforgave them.
Like people can be bitter foryears and years and years
(37:02):
because of something thathappened to them in childhood
and adulthood and like all thethings.
So, like I literally said, mygoal was, like when I had the
breakup, like I don't want tohave any bitterness, I don't
want to have any resentment andI don't want to have any
unforgiveness.
So I literally forgave mypartner for everything, like
whether he knows or cares aboutit at all, I'm pretty sure, like
(37:24):
whatever.
But I don't have any of that.
I'm grateful for the journey.
I'm grateful for everything Ilearned.
I'm grateful for his presencein my life during that journey,
like I don't regret a gosh darnthing.
And the next thing I had to dowhen I was trying to close that
chapter is just establishemotional and physical
boundaries.
(37:45):
So there's two separate ways ofdoing that.
I had to set boundaries andthat was the hardest thing for
me and I think I talked aboutthat on a previous episode
because I like to be veryinclusive.
I like to be a service toeveryone.
My business coach says it's adetriment to my business.
She's like you want to justserve everyone.
I'm like, yes, because I don'twant anybody to be outside of my
(38:06):
door and I have gifts andtalents that can help them and
they're just not accessible tothem.
But I ended up being the personthat got ran over.
I ended up being the personthat got disrespected.
I ended up being the personthat just was like on the back
burner where, again, nobodychecked on me, nobody asked
about me, and I'm not sayingthat you have the responsibility
to, but, knowing that you don'thave the responsibility to, I
(38:30):
have the responsibility to formyself, and so I had to
communicate limits forcommunication, for behavior and
for space.
So, for communication, ifyou're being toxic to me, if
you're being abusive to me, likeI have the.
If you're being inconsistentwith me, if you being abusive to
me, like I have the.
If you're being inconsistentwith me, if you're, basically,
(38:51):
if any means of yourcommunication is causing me
suffering, I have the power andability to cut it off or to
limit it.
Like there's two categories inmy life right now, and I've and
I've done the Sunday block partywhere I I'm either limiting my
communication with you if you'relike a family member that I
would genuinely want to check on, but you're super toxic, like I
(39:12):
have limited and I haveeliminated, and I've had to do
this in a very bold way, becausepeople are just like they're
not understanding that, like, ifI, if you, don't treat me well,
if you don't respect me, thenwhy would I let you pour into me
(39:33):
?
I know how powerful words are,and if I let you and your janky
self speak into my life ofnegativity, it's kind of like
it's easier for me to setboundaries.
When I think about my daughter,it's like would I let someone
that was going to make her feelbad enter into her life and
speak negative about her?
Like it's almost it's very easyfor me to do that because I'm
like no, I would absolutelyprotect her.
(39:54):
Okay, so then why not you, whenyou're the one protecting her?
Like look at the hierarchy.
You would set these boundariesfor her, which I have, but I
wasn't setting them for me.
I was letting anybody come in.
It was like come one, come all.
No, it's not like that anymore.
So I'll either limitcommunication with you if you're
(40:14):
toxic or I'll eliminate it.
And I had that block party and,like I told you earlier, it was
so hard.
But I'm hoping that as I goforward with this part about
closing a chapter, that it getseasier, because that was really
really hard for me, because inmy mind I'm like imagining how
they feel, how they think, whenthey're texting me and there's
(40:35):
like I know, when you're blocked, like there's no, like you
don't get a message, just likethis person blocked you.
But I'm just like thinking likethey're going to keep trying
because they're persistent andthe next thing is establishing
boundaries for behavior.
They're going to keep tryingbecause they're persistent and
the next thing is establishingboundaries for behavior.
I will not and I almost clapped, but I think it's going to
create like this thing for themic I will not let anyone yell
(40:59):
at me ever again.
I don't know why.
What in Bob's green earth mademe feel like I could grow up in
a traumatic environment wheresomeone yelled at me.
My adopted family my adopted,not my adopted family my adopted
dad yelled at me, berated me,said nasty, horrible things
about me that were not true.
(41:19):
I could get it if they weretrue.
They were not, they were aprojection.
But I ended up getting intorelationships that did the same
thing and I was like why?
It's kind of like if you go on aroller coaster and it gives you
a headache and it makes youcrap, your pants almost cursed
again and you go through thishorrible experience and then you
get right back in line to geton the same roller coaster.
(41:40):
What is wrong with you?
And I had to say that to myself.
I was like Rose, why would youget into another relationship
with a behavior trait that,literally, is traumatic to you?
Like every single time I wasdealing with one of my exes
yelling at me, I went right backto childhood.
And this is how you can get inrelationships where you're
dealing with a lot of traumaticexperiences where it's like I
(42:02):
thought I healed from this.
I thought yeah, and then youput yourself back in the same
situation that you were inbefore chicken nugget, like you
did heal from it and now you'regoing to have to heal from this.
And that's on you and that wason me, because I put myself
right back in the same situationthat I had healed from and
(42:23):
thought that I was going to bemiraculously okay with someone
yelling at me.
Never, never, never.
I literally have to see andthat's why I said I'm committing
to being with a companionversus a partner, because I need
to be a companion for like 40days and 40 nights.
I need to see you and I'venever done this.
I've never dated someone fortwo years without getting
(42:46):
married, like if I'm dating youfor two years, that would be a
sign of you might as well spitin my face Like I see all these
dating shows like the ultimatum.
When they've been with eachother for like five years and
six years and they're notmarried, I'm like I would have
been gone with the wind.
Like I literally told my ex Iwouldn't be with someone past a
(43:08):
certain time without gettingmarried and he bought, went and
bought the ring, like I, thatwas one of my strong boundaries.
I'm like I'm not about tocommit my life to you and all
these things and you're justgoing to string me along like no
, like Pinocchio, like,absolutely, not, like,
absolutely, not Like.
Time is one of your mostprecious assets.
(43:28):
You cannot get your time back.
You can get money back, you canget the.
You can't get your time back.
And guess what's going by withmy time, my time with my
daughter.
So if you think that I'm goingto waste that crap on someone
that is stringing me along,that's why ghosting hurts me for
5.2 seconds.
That's why inconsistency hurtsme for 5.2 seconds.
That's why inconsistency hurtsme for 5.2 seconds Because, like
(43:50):
, once I get your MO.
I'm like, oh, this is whatyou're going to do.
Okay, it's time to have a blockparty, because I'll deal with
something for a small amount oftime until I'm not.
And that's the thing that Ifeel like people don't
understand about me, because I'mso nice, I'm so giving, I'm so
open until I'm not.
When I tell you that you're notgoing to hear from me again,
(44:13):
and I don't have to tell you, Imean, you don't hear from me
again.
But when I block, I block.
And that's why I try to not doit, because I'm like I know what
it's going to look like.
Once I finally do block you,you will never access me ever
again.
I might as well be in Pluto.
So when I feel like someone'sabout to get blocked or
something, I'll give them somany chances, I'll communicate.
(44:35):
I never block someone withoutcommunicating and giving them an
opportunity to redeemthemselves.
But if they're just like, it iswhat it is, this is who I am
then this is who I am.
Goodbye, goodbye.
So so the next.
That was the thing with behavior.
If someone yells at me, likeyou have to have like a couple
of like non-negotiables withbehavior, like you're not going
(44:56):
to yell at me.
You're not going to even lookaggressive, like you know how
you like, like about to jumpinto the double dutch, like
you're not even going to look,like you're going to flinch at
me because I know me and I knowmy PMDD rage and I will rock
them, sock them, not saying thatI've ever hit someone, but I
know that's what my body, mybody and my ego is like.
Oh, like that because I'mstrong, like that's my biggest,
(45:20):
my biggest fear is that I'mgoing to knock someone out Like
I'm strong, I'm able someone outLike I'm strong, I'm able.
So when you talk to me like crapand you're like oh, you're just
, I'm in my mind, like you everseen someone like blackout and
they have like a day dream wherethey're like envisioning what
they would do.
I've done that in PMDD, whereI'm just staring at the person,
(45:41):
but in my mind I'm like I will,I will, I will destroy you, you
and your ancestors.
Like you have no freaking ideahow much restraint it's taking
me to like just sit here andwatch you and I only get like
that when someone's yelling atme.
I only get like that whensomeone's yelling at me and
coming at me aggressively.
(46:01):
I don't get like if you justsay things or trigger me like I
don't get aggressive.
But I know for me, as for me inmy house, if you come at me
like you're aggressive andyou're like and da, da, da, da,
da, like I, you'll probablythink that I'm completely calm,
cool and collected, but I amlike imagining your massacre in
(46:22):
my mind and it's a scary, like Isee it, and I'm like whoa, whoa
, whoa, like, come on, come on.
Like so I can't allow myself tobe with anyone that would ever
do that to me.
Because if, for any reason,like you have to think about
this big picture, if, for anyreason, someone did that to you,
(46:45):
triggered you in that way, andyour response and your behavior
is is, is that way like reallyaggressive and negligent and all
those things Like what would beaffected, what would be
impacted?
Like I have to think about mydaughter.
Like if they come take me awayin the cuffs because I went ham
and cheese on that biscuit,which means I rock them, sock
them, dubs sides of your headwhile you were talking to me,
crazy, then that's on me,because I already knew that you
(47:09):
were a person that was willingto push me to the limit.
Like, not everybody will pushyou to the limit.
You just kind of have to choosethe people that you have around
you.
This is friends and partnersLike.
I think it's a dangeroussituation when you're with a
partner that brings out thatside of you without them being
able to get the tools to controlit, which is why I created that
program.
(47:29):
My partner has PMDD.
Now what, which one of themodules specifically deals with
range?
Like if you deal with gettingangry with your partner because
of how they're acting in PMDD,you need to get that course,
because if you know that, likehey, I can't really control
myself when someone is in PMDDand they're like, and you're
just like, hey, I can't reallycontrol myself when someone is
in PMDD and they're like andyou're just like, listen, hold
(47:52):
up, who are you talking to?
Like that's literally what theego is like and that's what
you're like.
You're like I'm not a piece ofcrap.
Like because I mean I have veryintelligent, successful, all
the things clients that are likeCEOs, cfos, millionaires.
Now I have people that are invery prestigious positions and
(48:16):
when you are in PMDD and you'retalking to them like crap,
that's not something thatthey're used to.
So I will say that.
I will say that there is like aturn of events where they're
like no one talks to me likethis and the person that I love
and care about the most and I'mtrying to be with and share this
life with is talking to me likethis.
(48:36):
That's a problem.
That is a problem.
And I can't even tell them thatyou need to be okay with it.
I can't be like, oh, you justhave to learn to be okay with it
, because I know I can't.
That's not a coping mechanism.
A coping mechanism isn't thatyour partner can talk to you
like crap and then you just beable to take it and not take it
personally.
That's a cop-out.
(48:57):
When a PMDD sufferer says, oh,I should be able to do all these
things and you just not take itpersonally, that's a cop-out
for the PMDD sufferer not takingresponsibility for the way that
they express their emotionswhen they're in PMDD and I'm
saying this as someone with PMDD.
So you don't have the abilityto tell your partner that they
need to just suck it up and dealwith it because you have PMDD
(49:20):
and you can't even control yourown emotions.
Absolutely not, absolutely, not, absolutely not.
If you're in that place whereyou can't control your emotions.
You need to have sessions withme so you can learn the tools on
how to do that, because that'snot.
It's not a thing I'm never goingto advocate.
So if you're thinking aboutbeing my private client and
(49:41):
you're thinking which I've seenon a lot of sessions where
you're hiring me to be anadvocate for you being abusive
to your partner, don't hire me.
I don't need the money that badLike.
I don't.
I will never, never, never,never, never advocate for either
one of you being abusive toeither one of you.
I don't care if I'm the onethat's suffering in PMDD.
I've seen both sides.
So you don't hire me to defendyou with being abusive to your
(50:05):
partner.
I can teach you.
I can have sessions with youand teach you how to manage your
emotions and PMDD.
That's not what I'm here for,and I think it's a shock to some
people, but they're like youunderstand, dr Rose, I don't.
I don't.
If I notice that my PMDD r is ata point where I can't control
(50:28):
it, I go get the tools to dealwith that, and that's why you're
listening here.
And so the thing about theboundaries goes back to.
For my healing, I need you allto respect my boundary, like and
(50:49):
my boundary is you're not goingto freaking yell at me and I've
said this, like with my KevinHart clapping hands like you are
not going to yell at me.
I don't care how angry you get,I don't care how triggered you
feel, take a freaking walk,because you're not going to talk
to me like that, because Idon't deserve that.
I don't care what you thinkthat I did, I don't care what I
(51:10):
did.
You're not going to talk to melike that.
You're just not.
And I'm not going to be in anenvironment because I will tell
you once you accept it one time.
It's a pattern.
You accept it again and againand again and I love myself
enough to know what it is that Ideserve and you are not going
to talk to me like that, pleaseand thank you.
(51:32):
I love you, I care about you,but you are not going to talk to
me like that.
I remember having an ex thatsaid that to me and I was so
freaking pissed off at himbecause I was in PMDD rage and
he said to me and I said allthis stuff and he listened.
So you know, when somebodylistens and you expect that
they're going to respond andyou're kind of like bracing
yourself for what their responseis.
So I was like this is wayearlier in my journey.
(51:55):
I was like this is almost likeeight years ago, 10 years ago,
almost 10 years, yeah, 10 yearsago and I went off.
I went, oh, ff, I went off andhe was like I respect you and
myself enough, like I'm notgoing to have this conversation
with you, like I'm just not, andso when you're ready to have a
conversation where you canrespect me, then like, let me
(52:17):
know, click.
I was like you, hello, hello.
Like I was mortified.
No one had ever done that to me, set that boundary with me.
But it's 10 years later and I'mstill referring to that because
that's self-love.
Like he loved himself enoughand I knew he had it in him,
(52:39):
because you know how, like whenpeople can clench their jaw,
like you see it in the movieswhen they clench their jaw.
And so I knew and you like,ball their fit.
Like I knew, I knew he could goham and cheese on that biscuit
and he chose not to Out ofrespect for me and out of
respect for him, because we'regoing to have strong emotions,
you don't have to feel bad abouthaving strong emotions.
(53:00):
You don't have to feel bad abouthaving negative thoughts,
negative emotions, it's justyour reaction to them that does
the damage.
If I have a negative thoughtand I never talk about it with
you or I never act like it withyou, it's no damage, it doesn't
impact you.
But if I start reacting off ofthat negative emotion, that's
what makes the difference.
And so when you want to close achapter in your PMDD journey
(53:25):
and your PMDD relationship, youhave to have those boundaries
right and it's not like, it'snot a sense of like you're being
egotistical or you're beingnarcissistic, you just have to
have.
If you don't have boundariesfor your life like that's what I
learned and that's what I mean,it's not even things that I
didn't know but if you don'thave boundaries on your life,
like I don't, I don't know whatto tell you, because that means
(53:46):
you're just accepting any oldtype of crap.
But when you decide like hey, Ihave these boundaries and I
want to close this chapter, yes,we've been through.
So I'm going to wrap this up.
Yes, we've been through a lot ofBS in the past year.
You can have this conversationwith your partner.
Yes, we've been through a lotof crap this last year.
Yes, we've been through fightsand arguments and all of these
(54:10):
things, but I don't want to gothere anymore.
I don't want to go there withyou.
I love you, I respect youenough to not repeat the same
patterns.
So I just want us to get into aplace where we can communicate
with each other with love andwith respect.
If nothing else, with respect,if nothing else, with respect.
Picture yourself this is me.
Picture yourself and place yourchild, your dog, someone that
(54:34):
you respect and love, and putthem in the room with you when
you're thinking about how you'regoing to communicate with your
partner.
Put that person in the roomwith you and ask yourself would
you talk to them that same waywith that person in the room?
And that's the easiest way LikeI can go down the list, but
that's the easiest way to decidehow you are going to talk to
(54:54):
your partner.
Would you talk to them in thatway while you're in the room
with your child?
Like, if you're in the roomwith your child and they're
(55:15):
seeing the way that you'retalking to mommy or daddy, would
you still talk to them likethat?
For me, it's me envisioningsomeone else talking to my
daughter like that.
Like I have a daughter, which Ithink is a benefit because it
helps me set those boundaries.
But for you it may be.
You have kids, you have littleboys you have.
Would you set them in a roomand let you hammer in on your
partner?
Like you don't need to bedisrespecting your partner
behind the scenes.
Like, be bold with it.
Whatever you're going to say toyour partner, let it be in a
(55:37):
place where you're proud to saythis is how I'm speaking to my
partner, because you can postanything on social media and all
these things and you're in PMDDand you're talking to them like
crap back and forth, but thisis the partner that has PMDD and
the partner that doesn't.
So when you get to a pointwhere you're like I'm tired of
the toxicity of how we'respeaking to one another and I
(55:58):
want to close this chapter, theeasiest way to do it is to
pretend like someone that youlove and respect your child, an
adult, your parents, whatever itis, that they're just sitting
in the room with you, act likethey're sitting in the room with
you and then decide how youwant to speak to them.
And that's the easiest way andif that's something that you
know that you need to work on,then go to inlovewithpmddcom.
(56:22):
Get those counseling sessions.
It'll be in the link in theshow notes.
I got fired up in this episodebut I did it all because I love
and adore you.
God loves you.
I love you Until next episode.
We got this.
Today I'm going to be talking all about starting a
new, fresh chapter in your PMDDrelationship.
We are still in the month ofJanuary, we are still going to
be able to take advantage of themomentum that comes with the
new year, and I really justwanted to talk about what it
looks like to start somethingnew in your PMDD journey, with
(00:24):
your PMDD relationship, becauseI remember being in that place
where I was feeling likeeverything in my life, in my
PMDD journey, and every singlemonth was looking the same and I
didn't like it.
And I remember one of thethings that really attracted me
(00:46):
to my partner was one of thesequotes that he used to say like
if you don't like somethingabout your life, change it.
And that was one of the firstthings that resonated with me,
with us even connecting, becauseI had the same mentality that
if you didn't like the waysomething was happening in your
life, like don't just sit thereand take it.
(01:07):
It's kind of like, I imagine,like a video game where you're
just getting punched in the faceand every single month they're
just punching you in the faceand you're dealing with the
bruises and patching yourself upand you know that it's going to
be like that the very nextmonth and I was like I want to
be with someone who is in themindset that, if something isn't
working like, I'm willing to dosomething different to make
(01:32):
things look different, to makethings feel different, because
I'm not signing up for arelationship where my needs
aren't met, where I'm feelingalone.
I'm doing all the things thatlook like I'm in a relationship,
but I'm feeling like I'm alonein my emotional journey and my
physical journey.
There's no intimacy, I'm notconnected.
(01:54):
I'm just doing all of thesethings.
I'm doing my responsibilitiesto make sure the other person is
cared for, but I'm feelingalone.
I want you to really just thinkabout what is the reason that
you are in'm feeling alone.
I want you to really just thinkabout what is the reason that
you are in a relationship.
Because I really had to thinkabout this, because when I met
my ex and any of my exes, I'vealways taken a very big gap.
(02:14):
Now I don't know if I'm goingto take the same amount of gap
that I took before, but betweenone marriage and the other, I've
had two marriages.
I took a 10-year gap and, yes,I had relationships.
Yes, I dated, but I definitelydid not get married again until
I took the appropriate timebecause I didn't want to go back
(02:34):
into that scenario.
It kind of traumatized me alittle bit.
I was kind of like I don't wantto put myself back in that
situation where I'm with aperson that is not willing to do
what it takes to have therelationship that I desire and
deserve.
I think that was the basis ofit and it wasn't even.
I will say that my lastrelationship wasn't PMDD based
(02:57):
as it started, but it was as itended, and so I just didn't want
to be in a relationship whereit wasn't like the person wasn't
willing to work for it.
So I got with someone that wasvery like an alpha, very like
willing to, like you know, doall the things.
So I thought, and because Ireally just didn't want to get
(03:18):
with someone really complacent,really just willing to just deal
with the status quo, like, oh,I guess this is how we are right
now, I guess this is what ourrelationship looks like.
I wanted someone that kind ofwas like wait a minute, if I'm
uncomfortable, I'm willing to dowhat it takes to get to the
place where we're comfortableagain.
That was the thing thatattracted me to my ex the most,
(03:48):
to my ex the most, and I wasn'teven coming on this episode to
talk about how attractive my exwas, but I mean, that's where we
went.
But yeah, I remember it becausethat's what led me.
And I was like, oh my gosh,there's someone.
There was a quote.
They didn't even say itthemselves.
There was a quote that theyposted on their social media.
That was like, if you don'tlike the way that your life is
like, you have the power tochange it.
(04:08):
And I was like, yes, that'swhat I think and I literally I'm
an all in kind of person.
So I think I just took that andwas like, if that's the
mentality that they have, likethat's how they're going to be
for the rest of their lives andthat's how they're going to be
(04:28):
in our marriage and ourrelationship and all the things.
And I'm very impulsive,specifically in my.
Actually I think I'm impulsivein my luteal phase and my
follicular phase.
I will say that I just did aquiz with my daughter.
We just got back from churchand I was doing this quiz
because she was kind of decidingwhat kind of career she wanted
to have after high school.
Like you know, because I'm allfor joining the military or
(04:50):
going to college or just doingsomething that you're really
passionate about, and so youknow, obviously I'm a
psychologist.
So I gave her a quiz and one ofthe questions, you know, was
kind of like, how motivated areyou to do this?
So it gave me a clear exampleof what she she stood for and
what she didn't stand for, whichI love giving these evaluations
(05:12):
to individuals because youlearn something so new about
them.
Like, unless you ask thequestion, you really don't know
the answer.
So I was like oh, you're likethis and you're like this, and I
cause I always want people tolive in a land, in a life of
what they actually desire.
I feel like a lot of things inlife kind of clouded,
(05:33):
specifically PMDD.
It clouds what you originallywanted to do, like.
You were like oh, I originallywas passionate about this, but
because I have PMDD, I can't doit, and so I have a lot of um
about this.
But because I have PMDD, Ican't do it, and so I have a lot
of um PMDD.
You know coaches andpractitioners that I I
communicate with all the timeand I'm like whatever your
passion is like, continue to dothat.
(05:54):
And so I remember just talkingto my daughter to just find out
what her passion was, find outwhat she genuinely wanted to do,
because she was kind of like Ifeel like you're just going to
tell me what to do and I'm justgoing to do it, cause she's like
she said like I'm a peoplepleaser and blah blah, like
she's very self-aware, shedoesn't know the gifts that she
has and like we're going to havethat conversation, but she
doesn't know the gifts that shehas.
(06:15):
She thinks that they're justlike everyone has them.
And I'm like, girl, you are soself-aware, you are so
empathetic, you are so in tunewith people's emotions and
that's a gift.
I think she thinks everyone hasit, and so she's just like, oh,
(06:36):
this is all I have.
But anyway, I remember justbeing in that place of just like
thinking to myself when I wasgoing through things in my PMDD
relationship, like it's alwaysgoing to be like this, it's
always going to be like this.
And then one day I just woke upand I was like no, no, I, I,
because of the original way thatI got with my PMDD partner in.
This is very like weird, but theway that we started is the way
(06:59):
that we ended and what I willsay is, when the comment that he
had on his social media when wefirst met, exchanged social
media and he said or he didn'tsay whatever quote he posted
said if you don't like the waythat your life is, do something
to change it.
That's what caused me to evendo the breakup.
(07:19):
That's crazy to me because Iwas so invested in how it began
that because I genuinely I hadthe buy in for that, because I
don't believe in staying andsuffering.
That's why, even my businesswith trauma I counsel
individuals who've gone throughPTSD, childhood trauma, all of
these things and I never feellike I want you to feel stuck.
(07:44):
So I'm telling you, I know howyour journey has started and I
never feel like I want you tofeel stuck.
So I'm telling you, I know howyour journey has started, I know
where you are.
Do not commit to staying inthat place.
So that statement that was likehey, if you don't like the way
that your life is like, if yourlife sucks, to like bring it
because, like I like to bringthings very practical like okay,
like let's just talk about whatit really means or what it
(08:08):
really looks like If your lifesucks and you don't want your
life to suck, then do somethingdifferent about it so that it
doesn't suck.
It's not just going tomagically unsuck.
There's nothing that's going tohappen where you're going to
wake up the next day and yoursituation is going to look
different without you doingthings differently, going to
wake up the next day and yoursituation is going to look
different without you doingthings differently.
And that's how my relationshipstarted, because I was like
(08:28):
buying in with someone that Iwas like oh, you believe the
same thing that I believe, andwe kind of went on that
rollercoaster and I think a lotof that kind of like led to me
trusting the individual more,because I thought that they had
the same mindset of like, hey,if you don't like the way things
are, don't just stay stuck init and complain about it and
(08:49):
talk about it.
I'm all for processing emotions.
You have to talk about it, youhave to process it and then you
have to move on.
I feel like individuals are verymuch in the one to two to three
steps.
You have to acknowledge it,which is number one.
If anything in your life sucks,you acknowledge it, okay.
So that's number one.
Number two, you process it.
(09:10):
What does that look like?
What does that feel like?
What do I want it to look like,what do I want it to feel like?
And then the third step is tomake a plan and let it go Like
that's it.
You can't stay in the place ofprocessing it and you can't stay
in the place of acknowledgingit.
You have to make a plan to letit go, because you're obviously
acknowledging it, because it'ssomething that you don't want in
(09:32):
your life.
And I realized not everybody hasthe capability, not everybody.
I'm like backspace, backspace,backspace.
Not everybody has the capability.
Because of their willingness todo all three steps, some people
are willing to admit that theirlife sucks in their PMDD
relationship.
They're willing to admit thatthey're processing their
(09:55):
emotions.
I feel anxiety, I feeltriggered by my partner, I feel
hopelessness, I feel like it'snot going to change.
That's number two.
But then number three is I'mwilling to do something to
change it.
That is the golden era, and sowhat I've done is I've been in
relationships with people thatare like the ones and the twos.
You know how they say DJsyou're like on the ones and the
(10:17):
twos.
That's what I've gotten a lotof ones and twos, like you
acknowledge that there's aproblem, you process yeah, this
is how the problem made me feel.
And then, when it comes tonumber three, which is let's do
something different about it sothat we can have a different
experience and result, that'snot always been there, and so I
(10:38):
think my mistake has beenvetting that, if you're willing
to go to number one, that you'rewilling to go to number three
and that's not the process.
So I want you to just askyourself because I'm going to do
these in like a veryaction-based Ask yourself are
you in a place where you're notsatisfied with something in your
PM to date relationship?
Okay, are you in that place?
(11:00):
Is there something in your PMDDrelationship, in your
relationship with your partner,that you're just not happy with
and that you've just tried toignore and you try to pretend
that it's not there?
I've even gone to the point ofpretending that I was okay with
the dysfunction.
And when you pretend thatyou're okay with the dysfunction
(11:23):
, the core of who you are islooking at you, Like, imagine
you trying to give a speech andthere's someone looking at you
giving the side eye like chickennugget, you don't curse on my
podcast, I make it a cleanpodcast, because I have
(11:46):
individuals as young as 13 thatexperienced premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, pmdd and Idon't want them to block our
podcast, and so I even use thatwith my daughter.
My daughter doesn't curse, she'sa teenager.
She's 15 years old.
She doesn't curse.
Her language is chicken nugget.
40 days and 40 nights.
(12:07):
I have a lot of phrases thatI've used since she was younger
that I've replaced usingprofanity, because I feel like
people you don't have to useprofanity.
I get it.
There was even a meditationthat was like the effort
meditation.
So I get where profanity is anoutlet for people, but I don't
use it on my podcast because Idon't want my podcast to be
(12:28):
banned.
I want it to be available foreven those that are young and
dealing with PMDD, and so if Isay things on here that you're
just like, did she just saychicken nugget?
I actually had a coworker on theother realm of what I do I have
like 75 jobs but I saidsomething to them.
I was like, yeah, like you werelate on your process that you
(12:49):
submitted to me, like you werelate on your product, chicken
nugget.
And they were like what did yousay to me?
And I was like you were late onyour product.
They were like, no, what didyou say after that?
I was like chicken nugget.
And they were like, oh my gosh,did you just call me a chicken
nugget?
I'm like, first of all, youdon't even know what that means
and, second of all, I called youthat because I don't curse.
I genuinely don't curse, andwhen I do, it doesn't even sound
(13:11):
like it's right.
And he was like I literallyfeel like you calling me a
chicken nugget is more offensivethan you calling me a piece of
you know what.
And I was just like what.
But I just I'm telling you thatbecause I feel like it's coming
out.
It's coming out on the podcast,so I don't want you to feel
like there was like a glitch inthe system.
But, going back to what we weretalking about when it comes to
(13:38):
recognizing where you are inyour PMDD journey and wanting
something to look different, Iwant that all the time.
It's not just a new year, butI'm just going to use it's like
riding a wave.
I'm just going to use themomentum of the new year to just
ride this way because I feellike people are more open to
making changes in their PMDDrelationship on the new year,
(14:00):
because I've asked every singleone of my private clients do you
want your last year to looklike your new year?
And they're like, absolutelynot.
So like, what do we need to do?
And I just want to say thatwhen you want something to look
new, to feel new not even justlook new, because you may not
even be cared about what otherpeople are thinking but you want
(14:22):
things to feel new in your PMDDrelationship, you can't do the
same things you just can't Like.
When I ended my chapter as beinga PMDD partner and I've talked
about this where I've said that,moving forward, I just want a
PMDD companion I do want topreface and say that that
(14:42):
doesn't mean that I never wantto have a PMDD partner again,
but I want to take theappropriate steps.
And what I recognize fromhiring my dating coach,
investing in my dating coach, isI need to have a companion
before I have a partner, andwhat that means is we need to be
on like, not in the friend zone, but I need to know who you are
(15:04):
before I say that you're mypartner.
I need to know who you are.
In four seasons which I gotfrom my pastor, you need to see
what people look like in fourseasons of their life, and it
doesn't mean winter, spring,summer, fall, but like when
they're up, when they're down,and I tend to choose people when
they're up and then whenthey're down, I'm just like what
(15:27):
the?
I don't know what to do withthis version of you, because
this is not what I signed up forand that's what happens when
you are me, which is I'm veryimpulsive, I'm very much an
Enneagram seven.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I jump all in.
I'm either all in or all out,and so that's been the same way
(15:48):
in every area of my life.
Either I love you and adore youor you're blocked.
And I've literally had blockparties, and not the block
parties where everybody comesoutside and they're like dancing
.
I literally had.
You know, I have evaluationsLike if you don't like the way
something is going in your life,I'll have a block party.
You don't like the waysomething is going in your life,
I'll have a block party.
And I can do a whole notherepisode on this.
But what a block party is?
(16:09):
If I don't like the way thatyou're contributing to my life,
I will block you.
I'm not going to not answer you?
I'm not going to, but I willblock you so I don't have to
deal with the interaction of you.
Like Apple, android, any otherphone that you have has this
amazing feature of block and atsome point in your life,
(16:30):
specifically if you have PMDD,you need to know about this
block feature because you don'thave literally the energy to
deal with the emotionalbandwidth of people playing with
you.
And part of my journey that I'mon is the self-worth journey and
this lovely, lovely, lovelypart of it is boundaries, and
(16:52):
I've gone into having blockparties where every single
Sunday, actually no, no, no.
Every single Saturday night,like I chose my day, every
single Saturday night I look atwho contacts me consistently,
right, because and this isreally important, if you're
dating and you have pre-PMDD,you have premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, like you need tomonitor who is pouring into your
(17:15):
life, because who is speakinginto you, who you're giving
energy to, is going to impactyour PMDD symptoms.
And last night, I will behonest, I was on with my dating
mentor and I had a block party,and what a block party is is
everybody that is notcontributing to my mental health
, meaning you're not trending inthe positive direction.
(17:37):
I blocked you and I knoweverybody could be like, oh my
gosh, but what if it's yourauntie Susie?
And what if it's?
I don't have the capacity?
Because guess what If auntieSusie sends me off a railroad
because I can't deal withwhatever it is that they're
bringing in my life?
What does it matter thatthey're my aunt?
They're going to be speaking atmy eulogy, they're going to be
(17:59):
speaking at my funeral.
Like I literally had to havethis kind of like come to Jesus
moment where I'm like who am Iallowing into my space that is
impacting my PMDD symptoms?
Okay, I've accepted that I havePMDD, right, just let's do this.
Let's do this together.
I've done this with a clientthis week, so let's do this.
(18:20):
This is free 99.
Okay, let's say you have PMDD,which I'm pretty sure you do, or
your partner does, and then youlook at your week, because I
have private sessions with myclients every single week.
Okay, and I say, what do youhave going on in your week this
week?
And they're like oh, I havethis and this and this.
(18:40):
Okay, and I asked them thisquestion who do you have in your
life that could potentiallygive you more stress when you're
in PMDD?
That is a very importantquestion who do you have in your
life that could cause your PMDDsymptoms to be worse?
And I know everybody's like, oh, it's my.
You know it's my partner, it'smy this, it's my that, whoever
(19:05):
it is.
We need to work on that,because if you're in this place
like I had to do that with a lotof people that were like, oh,
it's just because they're familymembers, if you don't
contribute positively to mymental health, you're freaking
out by Sunday morning, like, andI go to church on Sunday
morning, I deal with my, myblock party on Saturday night,
(19:27):
like, that's my party, my partyis.
I go through my phone, I gothrough my messages, I see who
I've been communicating with allweek long and have they brought
me down?
Have they made me feel insecure?
What and I and I?
Let's do this.
Let's look at who youcommunicate on a weekly basis,
list them out, out, and thentell me how they make you feel.
(19:47):
Tell me how they make you feellike just one word, it doesn't
even have to be a long thing.
And if they make you feel likecrap I almost cursed if they
make you feel like, if they makeyou feel less about yourself,
how about they're not going tobe in next week?
I don't believe in like when youhave PMDD.
(20:09):
I don't believe in like theyearly goals.
I believe in the weekly goalsbecause PMDD is weekly, right.
And I'm on day two.
I think I'm on day nine or 10.
No eight, I'm on day eight ofPMDD nine or 10, no eight.
I'm on day eight of PMDD andI'm looking at last week and I'm
(20:30):
looking at the next week,moving forward, and I'm saying,
okay, last week I had certainindividuals that triggered my
PMDD symptoms.
If you're in your luteal phase,even if you're not in your
luteal phase, list out whotriggers you in your luteal
phase.
Like, if I created a big box,I'm giving you like free
counseling right now.
If I created a big box and say,put all the people that trigger
you in your luteal phase, putthem in the box, put them in the
(20:53):
box for the last week, Anybodythat you consistently talk to
and they trigger you in yourluteal phase.
And I'm not saying throw themaway.
I know you're like, oh, dr Rose, you're giving me permission to
like throw them away.
No, I'm saying you need tolimit contact with them and so
if you're dating, it's different, like, if it's your child, it's
(21:15):
not cancel culture with yourchild, it's not cancel culture
with your partner.
If these are people that you'vecommitted to, okay.
So let's do step one, step one,and I didn't plan to do this,
but this is just coming to meLike I feel led.
So if this is okay, so let'slist out people that make you
feel negatively in your lutealphase, and I'll pause right
(21:39):
there.
You can feel free to pause thepodcast if you need to, because
I want you to be working on this, I want me to be providing
value to you.
So who makes you feel like crapin your luteal phase?
That's the easiest way I tellmy private clients to think
about it and who is like anon-negotiable right.
(22:03):
Non-negotiable are kids,husband, partner, all of the
things.
Limit is like friends, blah,blah, blah.
If these are people like, ifyou're dating and you're in the
left-hand side, where you'relike you triggered me in PMDD, I
have two steps for you.
Number one I want you toinvestigate it.
Is it you, because you're inyour luteal phase and you're in
(22:24):
PMDD, or is it the person?
Because there's a difference,because I've had people that are
amazing, that have triggered mein PMDD.
I've had people that areamazing, but just because I was
in PMDD, I was in my lutealphase, they triggered me.
I'm so glad that I didn't throwthem away because when I was in
my follicular phase we had noissue, right.
(22:52):
So you don't want to throw awaypeople or partners when you're
in your luteal phase because youare suffering in PMDD.
You want to really analyze that.
So, like I'm making you into ascientist, like you need to
analyze who you need to limitcontact with and for some people
you just need to limit contactwith during your luteal phase.
Like, if it's not your partner,if it's not your kid, I would
say those are the two that I'mlike do not limit contact with
your partner and your kids.
(23:12):
Your partner and your kids, notyour mom, not your dad, not
your uncle, not your aunt, notyour uncle, like we can go into
a whole scenario.
No, your priority as an adult,as an adult and I just want to
remind, I want to remind you youare a fully functioning adult.
You have the choice of who getsaccess to your bomb, amazing
(23:37):
energy and for those of you whodon't know what bomb is, it's
amazing your amazing energy,regardless of what PMD has tried
to tell you should not be justlike, oh, I'm just giving it out
to everybody.
Everybody has access to me.
That was me.
That's why I'm saying don't dothat, because then you get
depleted for the people thatmean the most.
I'm giving myself out to all ofthese people and I will say
(24:00):
that when I've been in thosemoments of giving myself away to
a lot of people that didn'tdeserve me, it's because I
wasn't getting a lot ofvalidation and safety and
security within my primaryrelationships.
So if your partner is notmaking you feel safe, secure,
taken care of all of thosethings, validated, connected,
(24:22):
then you'll start to search forthat outwardly.
And I did that.
I was like, oh, my partner'snot telling me I'm amazing, but
some other shmomo is telling meI'm amazing.
That's a problem, because nowyou're going to lean into the
people that are telling you thatyou're amazing and so when it
comes to let's circle back.
(24:44):
So hopefully you did thoseexercises, but let's circle back
to when you want to close achapter in your PMDD
relationship.
Like you're, like we've gonethrough and it could be.
It doesn't mean closing therelationship.
It means closing an aspect ofyour relationship that you've
been fighting in again and again, and again, and it's like
(25:04):
listen, we've been fighting witha blended family.
We've been fighting with whodoes the chores.
We've been fighting with youcheated on me, and now I decided
to be with you again.
But now you're giving me sketchvibes.
I'm feeling like you're doingit again, whatever chapter that
you're just like.
I just don't want to deal withthis again.
(25:26):
Like I'm done.
I'm donecomorgedu.
Like I'm done.
And if you're in that placewhere you're like I don't want
to continue to deal with this,the first step and I'm going to
give you the steps right now.
So let's go.
If you're taking notes I hopeyou are you have to acknowledge
it.
Acknowledge the traumaticexperience that it is Validating
(25:46):
the pain during this time inyour life, not with bitterness,
not with resentment, not withfeeling like, oh, I wish this
never happened.
No, you're literally sayingthis mantra that I said I'm
going to give you like theblueprint of what I did when I
acknowledged that it was the endof my marriage, the end of my
(26:07):
PMDD relationship.
I was like you know what?
This is it?
And it happened November oflike I don't know what I mean.
I know when this podcast isgoing to be released in 2025,
january, but, like wheneveryou're listening to this, for 20
, 30, 40 years, 10, 15, whateveryears down the line, I want you
(26:29):
to just like.
The year doesn't matter.
I don't want you to think thatyear matters.
But I said to myself this mantraI acknowledge my emotions in
this state and I give myselfpermission to heal emotions in
this state and I give myselfpermission to heal.
What I was doing as I wassuffering was like acknowledging
that I had a lot of crap todeal with at the end of my
(26:53):
relationship I had.
When I say I acknowledge myemotions, I have frustration, I
had anger, I had bitterness, Ihad resentment, I had
unforgiveness, I had regret, Ihad disappointment.
I named out all of the emotionsthat I had and there were a lot
of them, like a basket of them,like a bucket of them, like a
(27:17):
laundry basket of them, and Isaid and I give myself
permission to heal, and I willsay that the way I healed with
all of those different emotionswere completely different.
So, if you're going throughsome traumatic experience right
now, what I will say list outthe emotions that you're feeling
, because you're going to needdifferent healing for every
single emotion.
The things that I've done in myhealing journey over this past
(27:40):
year have been completelydifferent, based off of the
emotion that it was Like when Ihad a disappointment with the
self-worth that I had, theself-love that was like in the
toilet, in the garbage, like inthe trash.
I had to get people to help mewith each aspect of the emotion
(28:04):
that was causing me to suffer.
That's how I chose, like whenyou know how people would say
like, what's your first step?
I had to acknowledge okay, whatare the emotions that are
causing me suffering?
Okay, it's all of these things.
Well, I need to rebuild all ofthat.
I took personal responsibilityfor every single emotion that I
had in the breakup.
(28:25):
I took personal responsibility.
It's not my partner'sresponsibility.
There's no insurance plan.
Hey, after you get out of thisrelationship, you can redeem me.
No, it was my responsibilitybecause I had one choice I could
decide to be bitter andresentful and unforgiving, or I
could decide to rebuild myselfand make it better, and that's
(28:45):
what I chose.
And the next thing was I wasaccepting what I could not
change, what I could not control, and the biggest thing of that
was I can't change my partnerthat I had before.
I can't change their perceptionof me.
I can't change everyone else'sperception of me.
Like when I was closing thatchapter, I remember one of the
(29:07):
things that almost stopped mefrom doing it was because I was
like, what are they going tothink about me?
And what I meant by they?
I meant the people that weloved and cared for, had
invested time with mutualfriends, which I all lost.
I lost all of our couplefriends.
Don't cry, don't cry.
And I'm not saying don't crybecause you shouldn't cry, but
(29:30):
I'm saying don't cry for mebecause I won't be able to
continue this podcast.
But I literally lost everymutual couple friend that we had
in our relationship during thebreakup.
I lost it.
It was gone, and I knew that.
I knew where the loyalty lied.
I'm very self-aware.
I lost it, it was gone, and Iknew that.
I knew where the loyalty lied.
I'm very self-aware.
I'm a doctor, I've done thethings.
So I knew that when it came tothe breakup, whose side
(29:53):
everybody was going to go on.
I knew who wasn't going tocheck on me.
I knew who thought I was goingto be okay.
Everybody, everybody's.
Everybody always thinks I'mokay, like I have a thing about
me.
I have an air about me and mybest friend, malika, has it too.
Oh, my god, I said her name.
I hope she doesn't mindwhatever.
Um, but we have thispersonality where nobody checks
(30:16):
on us.
Like we're the people we'relike they'll be fine, they're
super positive, like blah, blah,blah, check on me.
Like, check on me.
I feel like I already knew Ihad that personality where
people think I'm great, I'malways great.
Even if I'm sharing my story,they still think but yeah, you
could be.
I could be literally crying onsocial media and people would
(30:38):
still not check on me becausethey'd be like but at the end of
the day, she's going to be fine, she's going to do a workout,
she's going to do a walk andshe's going to be great.
So, like I had to accept thatthat community was gonecom Like
it was gone and I had so manybeautiful memories and I could
have, I could have had a blockparty, I could have blocked the
(31:00):
individuals that were on mysocial media, but I didn't,
because I love and adore themand it's not their fault and
it's not their journey, and Ikept them there because I'm
still me.
I'm still the same person thatthey fell in love with the same
person that they liked and lovedand all the things, and so I
did not block.
So I still have individuals onmy social media that are friends
(31:21):
of my ex, that are not friendsof mine and what I mean.
I don't mean that they're notfriends of mine, like
technically Facebook friends,friends like that's a thing, but
like they're not actively likein my life, but I share my life,
so they're kind of in my life.
I don't know they support me.
But there's some that justabsolutely are like I don't care
if you post that you're withthe, the, the pope, like we're
(31:45):
not, we're not liking it, but westill want to like watch your
journey, which is a whole notherlike okay, okay.
I just didn't feel the need tocontrol that.
So I had to accept what I couldnot change.
I could not change the factthat I was going to lose some
friends that I love and adoredon their journey.
Like one of them even had ababy and I was just like, oh my
gosh, the only time I saw themwas when, like, I was with my ex
(32:09):
and so I couldn't like go downthere and like see the baby girl
.
Like this is a whole likejourney, of like accepting that
I can't change that I'm probablynever gonna be in their life
again.
I don't think I've ever saidthat, but anyway, accepting the
past and what we've been through, it can be peaceful and it can
(32:30):
be painful.
It was painful for me to justaccept what I could not change.
I had to acknowledge, like whenI make this decision, a lot of
things in my life are going tochange.
That's the mantra that I usewhen I make this decision a lot
of things in my life are goingto change.
A lot of the support that I hadI'm probably not going to have
anymore, and it focuses on whatyou can change.
(32:53):
It's like I don't want tochange.
I can't change people.
I can't change other people,including my partner that I had
at the time, but I can acceptwhat happened and release the
need to rewrite it.
I don't need to create thenarrative.
Like I remember one of thethings that my ex said was like
when we break up, just be.
Let's just be clear that you'rethe one that broke up with me,
(33:14):
okay, okay.
Like that was not what was mostimportant to me.
Like I, I don't care who's toblame.
It didn't work out and I I didnot work.
I want it to work out and Idon't care who's at fault, like
that was not my, like I, thatwas like, okay, sure, I'll take
(33:34):
the blame, like I'll be the badguy, whatever the thing is.
Um, the next step that I had tomake when I, when I was like
trying to close the chapter,which is forgive myself and my
partner and it was easy toforgive my partner because I'm a
psychologist, because I've donethe work, I can easily see, I
have this radar.
It's like whenever I meetsomeone, I try not to tell them
(33:57):
what I do, because they're likewhat's your job?
And I'm like I'm a psychologist, and they're like, oh my gosh,
I don't want you to read me, butit a thing Like once you've
done this level of studying for40 days and 40 nights, like
years and years and years, andthen when you counsel people,
like it's easier for you to justinstinctively pick up on these
things.
And I was just like I couldeasily forgive him because I
(34:23):
could easily see where Igenuinely feel like he tried,
like I could easily see where Igenuinely feel like he tried,
like I genuinely feel like hegave.
I'm going to cry.
I genuinely feel like he gaveeverything that he had to give.
So I never blamed him, even whenthere was, you know, points and
times of whatever treatmentlike I will never speak on that,
(34:46):
but I genuinely believe, likehe tried and I was trying to
close that chapter and Iremember thinking, okay, like I
need to forgive all of the timesand places and things that I
have bitterness and resentmentabout and felt like it should
have been handled a differentway.
I forgave him first.
I will say I went in like maybethe wrong order, but like I
forgave him first.
I will say I went in like maybethe wrong order, but like I
(35:08):
forgave him first because Iwanted to move on and just give
him love, like I give everybodyelse.
Like why should he the personthat I was loving the most
outside of my daughter and God?
Like why should he be so far onthe back burner, um, when I had
committed that?
Like why should I?
(35:28):
Like like I can't do thisbecause of this?
I really wanted to get rid ofeverything that was preventing
me from loving him and forgivinghim again, because just because
I'm not with you doesn't meanthat I don't love you.
Obviously, I've done a lot ofthings, since you know
everything happened that provethat, like it's not that.
So I forgave and I meditated onit and I had to do these
(35:55):
mantras and I wrote like aletter, like to just.
And I had to do this for, oh mygosh, I had to do this even for
people when I was dating.
I noticed writing a letterreally helps me because I'm a
writer, I'm an author.
It helps me.
That's how I process things.
So whenever I have to forgivesomeone, I genuinely write them
a letter and I process thingsthrough that.
(36:17):
I don't send it, that's just mypersonal thing.
And then I do the mantra whereI forgive myself and then I do
the mantra where I forgivemyself and I forgive this person
to set myself free from thechains of the past.
Because I know how I've seenpeople.
I've seen bitter old people andI'm not trying to be
(36:40):
disrespectful to the what is it?
The geriatric community.
Yeah, I'm not trying to bedisrespectful, but I've seen
bitter old people and I knowit's not because of anybody
that's in their present day life.
It's because little Jimmy andkindergarten did something in
them and they never reallyforgave them.
Like people can be bitter foryears and years and years
(37:02):
because of something thathappened to them in childhood
and adulthood and like all thethings.
So, like I literally said, mygoal was, like when I had the
breakup, like I don't want tohave any bitterness, I don't
want to have any resentment andI don't want to have any
unforgiveness.
So I literally forgave mypartner for everything, like
whether he knows or cares aboutit at all, I'm pretty sure, like
(37:24):
whatever.
But I don't have any of that.
I'm grateful for the journey.
I'm grateful for everything Ilearned.
I'm grateful for his presencein my life during that journey,
like I don't regret a gosh darnthing.
And the next thing I had to dowhen I was trying to close that
chapter is just establishemotional and physical
boundaries.
(37:45):
So there's two separate ways ofdoing that.
I had to set boundaries andthat was the hardest thing for
me and I think I talked aboutthat on a previous episode
because I like to be veryinclusive.
I like to be a service toeveryone.
My business coach says it's adetriment to my business.
She's like you want to justserve everyone.
I'm like, yes, because I don'twant anybody to be outside of my
(38:06):
door and I have gifts andtalents that can help them and
they're just not accessible tothem.
But I ended up being the personthat got ran over.
I ended up being the personthat got disrespected.
I ended up being the personthat just was like on the back
burner where, again, nobodychecked on me, nobody asked
about me, and I'm not sayingthat you have the responsibility
to, but, knowing that you don'thave the responsibility to, I
(38:30):
have the responsibility to formyself, and so I had to
communicate limits forcommunication, for behavior and
for space.
So, for communication, ifyou're being toxic to me, if
you're being abusive to me, likeI have the.
If you're being inconsistentwith me, if you being abusive to
me, like I have the.
If you're being inconsistentwith me, if you're, basically,
(38:51):
if any means of yourcommunication is causing me
suffering, I have the power andability to cut it off or to
limit it.
Like there's two categories inmy life right now, and I've and
I've done the Sunday block partywhere I I'm either limiting my
communication with you if you'relike a family member that I
would genuinely want to check on, but you're super toxic, like I
(39:12):
have limited and I haveeliminated, and I've had to do
this in a very bold way, becausepeople are just like they're
not understanding that, like, ifI, if you, don't treat me well,
if you don't respect me, thenwhy would I let you pour into me
(39:33):
?
I know how powerful words are,and if I let you and your janky
self speak into my life ofnegativity, it's kind of like
it's easier for me to setboundaries.
When I think about my daughter,it's like would I let someone
that was going to make her feelbad enter into her life and
speak negative about her?
Like it's almost it's very easyfor me to do that because I'm
like no, I would absolutelyprotect her.
(39:54):
Okay, so then why not you, whenyou're the one protecting her?
Like look at the hierarchy.
You would set these boundariesfor her, which I have, but I
wasn't setting them for me.
I was letting anybody come in.
It was like come one, come all.
No, it's not like that anymore.
So I'll either limitcommunication with you if you're
(40:14):
toxic or I'll eliminate it.
And I had that block party and,like I told you earlier, it was
so hard.
But I'm hoping that as I goforward with this part about
closing a chapter, that it getseasier, because that was really
really hard for me, because inmy mind I'm like imagining how
they feel, how they think, whenthey're texting me and there's
(40:35):
like I know, when you're blocked, like there's no, like you
don't get a message, just likethis person blocked you.
But I'm just like thinking likethey're going to keep trying
because they're persistent andthe next thing is establishing
boundaries for behavior.
They're going to keep tryingbecause they're persistent and
the next thing is establishingboundaries for behavior.
I will not and I almost clapped, but I think it's going to
create like this thing for themic I will not let anyone yell
(40:59):
at me ever again.
I don't know why.
What in Bob's green earth mademe feel like I could grow up in
a traumatic environment wheresomeone yelled at me.
My adopted family my adopted,not my adopted family my adopted
dad yelled at me, berated me,said nasty, horrible things
about me that were not true.
(41:19):
I could get it if they weretrue.
They were not, they were aprojection.
But I ended up getting intorelationships that did the same
thing and I was like why?
It's kind of like if you go on aroller coaster and it gives you
a headache and it makes youcrap, your pants almost cursed
again and you go through thishorrible experience and then you
get right back in line to geton the same roller coaster.
(41:40):
What is wrong with you?
And I had to say that to myself.
I was like Rose, why would youget into another relationship
with a behavior trait that,literally, is traumatic to you?
Like every single time I wasdealing with one of my exes
yelling at me, I went right backto childhood.
And this is how you can get inrelationships where you're
dealing with a lot of traumaticexperiences where it's like I
(42:02):
thought I healed from this.
I thought yeah, and then youput yourself back in the same
situation that you were inbefore chicken nugget, like you
did heal from it and now you'regoing to have to heal from this.
And that's on you and that wason me, because I put myself
right back in the same situationthat I had healed from and
(42:23):
thought that I was going to bemiraculously okay with someone
yelling at me.
Never, never, never.
I literally have to see andthat's why I said I'm committing
to being with a companionversus a partner, because I need
to be a companion for like 40days and 40 nights.
I need to see you and I'venever done this.
I've never dated someone fortwo years without getting
(42:46):
married, like if I'm dating youfor two years, that would be a
sign of you might as well spitin my face Like I see all these
dating shows like the ultimatum.
When they've been with eachother for like five years and
six years and they're notmarried, I'm like I would have
been gone with the wind.
Like I literally told my ex Iwouldn't be with someone past a
(43:08):
certain time without gettingmarried and he bought, went and
bought the ring, like I, thatwas one of my strong boundaries.
I'm like I'm not about tocommit my life to you and all
these things and you're justgoing to string me along like no
, like Pinocchio, like,absolutely, not, like,
absolutely, not Like.
Time is one of your mostprecious assets.
(43:28):
You cannot get your time back.
You can get money back, you canget the.
You can't get your time back.
And guess what's going by withmy time, my time with my
daughter.
So if you think that I'm goingto waste that crap on someone
that is stringing me along,that's why ghosting hurts me for
5.2 seconds.
That's why inconsistency hurtsme for 5.2 seconds.
That's why inconsistency hurtsme for 5.2 seconds Because, like
(43:50):
, once I get your MO.
I'm like, oh, this is whatyou're going to do.
Okay, it's time to have a blockparty, because I'll deal with
something for a small amount oftime until I'm not.
And that's the thing that Ifeel like people don't
understand about me, because I'mso nice, I'm so giving, I'm so
open until I'm not.
When I tell you that you're notgoing to hear from me again,
(44:13):
and I don't have to tell you, Imean, you don't hear from me
again.
But when I block, I block.
And that's why I try to not doit, because I'm like I know what
it's going to look like.
Once I finally do block you,you will never access me ever
again.
I might as well be in Pluto.
So when I feel like someone'sabout to get blocked or
something, I'll give them somany chances, I'll communicate.
(44:35):
I never block someone withoutcommunicating and giving them an
opportunity to redeemthemselves.
But if they're just like, it iswhat it is, this is who I am
then this is who I am.
Goodbye, goodbye.
So so the next.
That was the thing with behavior.
If someone yells at me, likeyou have to have like a couple
of like non-negotiables withbehavior, like you're not going
(44:56):
to yell at me.
You're not going to even lookaggressive, like you know how
you like, like about to jumpinto the double dutch, like
you're not even going to look,like you're going to flinch at
me because I know me and I knowmy PMDD rage and I will rock
them, sock them, not saying thatI've ever hit someone, but I
know that's what my body, mybody and my ego is like.
Oh, like that because I'mstrong, like that's my biggest,
(45:20):
my biggest fear is that I'mgoing to knock someone out Like
I'm strong, I'm able someone outLike I'm strong, I'm able.
So when you talk to me like crapand you're like oh, you're just
, I'm in my mind, like you everseen someone like blackout and
they have like a day dream wherethey're like envisioning what
they would do.
I've done that in PMDD, whereI'm just staring at the person,
(45:41):
but in my mind I'm like I will,I will, I will destroy you, you
and your ancestors.
Like you have no freaking ideahow much restraint it's taking
me to like just sit here andwatch you and I only get like
that when someone's yelling atme.
I only get like that whensomeone's yelling at me and
coming at me aggressively.
(46:01):
I don't get like if you justsay things or trigger me like I
don't get aggressive.
But I know for me, as for me inmy house, if you come at me
like you're aggressive andyou're like and da, da, da, da,
da, like I, you'll probablythink that I'm completely calm,
cool and collected, but I amlike imagining your massacre in
(46:22):
my mind and it's a scary, like Isee it, and I'm like whoa, whoa
, whoa, like, come on, come on.
Like so I can't allow myself tobe with anyone that would ever
do that to me.
Because if, for any reason,like you have to think about
this big picture, if, for anyreason, someone did that to you,
(46:45):
triggered you in that way, andyour response and your behavior
is is, is that way like reallyaggressive and negligent and all
those things Like what would beaffected, what would be
impacted?
Like I have to think about mydaughter.
Like if they come take me awayin the cuffs because I went ham
and cheese on that biscuit,which means I rock them, sock
them, dubs sides of your headwhile you were talking to me,
crazy, then that's on me,because I already knew that you
(47:09):
were a person that was willingto push me to the limit.
Like, not everybody will pushyou to the limit.
You just kind of have to choosethe people that you have around
you.
This is friends and partnersLike.
I think it's a dangeroussituation when you're with a
partner that brings out thatside of you without them being
able to get the tools to controlit, which is why I created that
program.
(47:29):
My partner has PMDD.
Now what, which one of themodules specifically deals with
range?
Like if you deal with gettingangry with your partner because
of how they're acting in PMDD,you need to get that course,
because if you know that, likehey, I can't really control
myself when someone is in PMDDand they're like, and you're
just like, hey, I can't reallycontrol myself when someone is
in PMDD and they're like andyou're just like, listen, hold
(47:52):
up, who are you talking to?
Like that's literally what theego is like and that's what
you're like.
You're like I'm not a piece ofcrap.
Like because I mean I have veryintelligent, successful, all
the things clients that are likeCEOs, cfos, millionaires.
Now I have people that are invery prestigious positions and
(48:16):
when you are in PMDD and you'retalking to them like crap,
that's not something thatthey're used to.
So I will say that.
I will say that there is like aturn of events where they're
like no one talks to me likethis and the person that I love
and care about the most and I'mtrying to be with and share this
life with is talking to me likethis.
(48:36):
That's a problem.
That is a problem.
And I can't even tell them thatyou need to be okay with it.
I can't be like, oh, you justhave to learn to be okay with it
, because I know I can't.
That's not a coping mechanism.
A coping mechanism isn't thatyour partner can talk to you
like crap and then you just beable to take it and not take it
personally.
That's a cop-out.
(48:57):
When a PMDD sufferer says, oh,I should be able to do all these
things and you just not take itpersonally, that's a cop-out
for the PMDD sufferer not takingresponsibility for the way that
they express their emotionswhen they're in PMDD and I'm
saying this as someone with PMDD.
So you don't have the abilityto tell your partner that they
need to just suck it up and dealwith it because you have PMDD
(49:20):
and you can't even control yourown emotions.
Absolutely not, absolutely, not, absolutely not.
If you're in that place whereyou can't control your emotions.
You need to have sessions withme so you can learn the tools on
how to do that, because that'snot.
It's not a thing I'm never goingto advocate.
So if you're thinking aboutbeing my private client and
(49:41):
you're thinking which I've seenon a lot of sessions where
you're hiring me to be anadvocate for you being abusive
to your partner, don't hire me.
I don't need the money that badLike.
I don't.
I will never, never, never,never, never advocate for either
one of you being abusive toeither one of you.
I don't care if I'm the onethat's suffering in PMDD.
I've seen both sides.
So you don't hire me to defendyou with being abusive to your
(50:05):
partner.
I can teach you.
I can have sessions with youand teach you how to manage your
emotions and PMDD.
That's not what I'm here for,and I think it's a shock to some
people, but they're like youunderstand, dr Rose, I don't.
I don't.
If I notice that my PMDD r is ata point where I can't control
(50:28):
it, I go get the tools to dealwith that, and that's why you're
listening here.
And so the thing about theboundaries goes back to.
For my healing, I need you allto respect my boundary, like and
(50:49):
my boundary is you're not goingto freaking yell at me and I've
said this, like with my KevinHart clapping hands like you are
not going to yell at me.
I don't care how angry you get,I don't care how triggered you
feel, take a freaking walk,because you're not going to talk
to me like that, because Idon't deserve that.
I don't care what you thinkthat I did, I don't care what I
(51:10):
did.
You're not going to talk to melike that.
You're just not.
And I'm not going to be in anenvironment because I will tell
you once you accept it one time.
It's a pattern.
You accept it again and againand again and I love myself
enough to know what it is that Ideserve and you are not going
to talk to me like that, pleaseand thank you.
(51:32):
I love you, I care about you,but you are not going to talk to
me like that.
I remember having an ex thatsaid that to me and I was so
freaking pissed off at himbecause I was in PMDD rage and
he said to me and I said allthis stuff and he listened.
So you know, when somebodylistens and you expect that
they're going to respond andyou're kind of like bracing
yourself for what their responseis.
So I was like this is wayearlier in my journey.
(51:55):
I was like this is almost likeeight years ago, 10 years ago,
almost 10 years, yeah, 10 yearsago and I went off.
I went, oh, ff, I went off andhe was like I respect you and
myself enough, like I'm notgoing to have this conversation
with you, like I'm just not, andso when you're ready to have a
conversation where you canrespect me, then like, let me
(52:17):
know, click.
I was like you, hello, hello.
Like I was mortified.
No one had ever done that to me, set that boundary with me.
But it's 10 years later and I'mstill referring to that because
that's self-love.
Like he loved himself enoughand I knew he had it in him,
(52:39):
because you know how, like whenpeople can clench their jaw,
like you see it in the movieswhen they clench their jaw.
And so I knew and you like,ball their fit.
Like I knew, I knew he could goham and cheese on that biscuit
and he chose not to Out ofrespect for me and out of
respect for him, because we'regoing to have strong emotions,
you don't have to feel bad abouthaving strong emotions.
(53:00):
You don't have to feel bad abouthaving negative thoughts,
negative emotions, it's justyour reaction to them that does
the damage.
If I have a negative thoughtand I never talk about it with
you or I never act like it withyou, it's no damage, it doesn't
impact you.
But if I start reacting off ofthat negative emotion, that's
what makes the difference.
And so when you want to close achapter in your PMDD journey
(53:25):
and your PMDD relationship, youhave to have those boundaries
right and it's not like, it'snot a sense of like you're being
egotistical or you're beingnarcissistic, you just have to
have.
If you don't have boundariesfor your life like that's what I
learned and that's what I mean,it's not even things that I
didn't know but if you don'thave boundaries on your life,
like I don't, I don't know whatto tell you, because that means
(53:46):
you're just accepting any oldtype of crap.
But when you decide like hey, Ihave these boundaries and I
want to close this chapter, yes,we've been through.
So I'm going to wrap this up.
Yes, we've been through a lot ofBS in the past year.
You can have this conversationwith your partner.
Yes, we've been through a lotof crap this last year.
Yes, we've been through fightsand arguments and all of these
(54:10):
things, but I don't want to gothere anymore.
I don't want to go there withyou.
I love you, I respect youenough to not repeat the same
patterns.
So I just want us to get into aplace where we can communicate
with each other with love andwith respect.
If nothing else, with respect,if nothing else, with respect.
Picture yourself this is me.
Picture yourself and place yourchild, your dog, someone that
(54:34):
you respect and love, and putthem in the room with you when
you're thinking about how you'regoing to communicate with your
partner.
Put that person in the roomwith you and ask yourself would
you talk to them that same waywith that person in the room?
And that's the easiest way LikeI can go down the list, but
that's the easiest way to decidehow you are going to talk to
(54:54):
your partner.
Would you talk to them in thatway while you're in the room
with your child?
Like, if you're in the roomwith your child and they're
(55:15):
seeing the way that you'retalking to mommy or daddy, would
you still talk to them likethat?
For me, it's me envisioningsomeone else talking to my
daughter like that.
Like I have a daughter, which Ithink is a benefit because it
helps me set those boundaries.
But for you it may be.
You have kids, you have littleboys you have.
Would you set them in a roomand let you hammer in on your
partner?
Like you don't need to bedisrespecting your partner
behind the scenes.
Like, be bold with it.
Whatever you're going to say toyour partner, let it be in a
(55:37):
place where you're proud to saythis is how I'm speaking to my
partner, because you can postanything on social media and all
these things and you're in PMDDand you're talking to them like
crap back and forth, but thisis the partner that has PMDD and
the partner that doesn't.
So when you get to a pointwhere you're like I'm tired of
the toxicity of how we'respeaking to one another and I
(55:58):
want to close this chapter, theeasiest way to do it is to
pretend like someone that youlove and respect your child, an
adult, your parents, whatever itis, that they're just sitting
in the room with you, act likethey're sitting in the room with
you and then decide how youwant to speak to them.
And that's the easiest way andif that's something that you
know that you need to work on,then go to inlovewithpmddcom.
(56:22):
Get those counseling sessions.
It'll be in the link in theshow notes.
I got fired up in this episodebut I did it all because I love
and adore you.
God loves you.
I love you Until next episode.
We got this.
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