February 5, 2025 • 33 mins
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Ever felt like you're playing the role of a parent rather than a partner in your relationship? Join us as we unravel the intricate dynamics of PMDD relationships and challenge the common belief that one partner should shoulder the other's burdens. By understanding the pitfalls of this misconception, we explore how mutual accountability and individual growth pave the way for a more intimate and balanced connection. Discover how our specialized counseling package can transform your relationship, focusing on personal development and self-care to avoid the trap of codependency.
In the affluent world of the Bay Area, differences in financial standing and lifestyle can inadvertently breed insecurities within relationships. Through personal stories and experiences, we shine a light on how these disparities, along with religious differences, can create challenges. It's crucial to recognize that insecurities often arise from personal perceptions rather than actual expectations. By respecting individuality and personal beliefs, partners can navigate these complex waters more smoothly, ultimately strengthening their bond.
Motivation may be fleeting, but self-discipline is the true backbone of relationship dynamics. We share insights on how discipline drives the completion of personal goals, particularly when motivation runs low, a common scenario for those experiencing PMDD. Establishing healthy boundaries becomes essential, ensuring that support for your partner doesn't come at the expense of your own peace. We wrap up by introducing the PMDD Power Couples membership—a unique group counseling initiative designed to provide structured support and foster healthier communication. Together, we can tackle relationship challenges with accountability and understanding, preventing arguments from reaching a boiling point.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk to you about one of the most
common misconceptions thathappen in PMDD relationships,
and that is thinking and feelinglike it is your job to manage
your partner's issues, to manageyour partner's insecurities.
And I just really want to talkto you about this because this
is one of the main reasons forthe partners and the sufferers
(00:24):
to begin to have burnout in therelationship and it is because
you feel like it's yourresponsibility to fix your
partner.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel more secure.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel happier in the
relationship.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel happier in their
life.
When you see your partner isdissatisfied with a certain area
(00:46):
of their life specificallythat's impacting the
relationship, you automaticallyget into fix it mode and you
feel like you need to dosomething about it.
And I know it's so hard to besitting on the sidelines and
seeing your partner suffering ina specific area.
But when you begin to feel thatpressure that it's your job to
make it better for them, there'sa level of caregiver burnout
(01:09):
that you're going to begin toexperience because it's not
sustainable over a long periodof time.
If you really think about it,there's probably always going to
be something that your partnerneeds to work on.
There's always going to be anarea of their life that they
need to grow in.
Maybe it's their emotionalintelligence, maybe it's
managing their PMDD rage.
Maybe it's managing their rageif they're the partner who
doesn't have PMDD.
(01:30):
Or maybe it's self-soothing.
Maybe you need space when yougo into PMDD and you just need
your partner to be able toself-soothe and not take
everything so personally.
So there's always going to besomething that your partner or
you need to work on in your PMDDrelationship.
And if you're consistentlybecoming codependent, where
(01:50):
you're trying to fix one anotherover time, it's not going to be
sustainable and you're going tofeel trapped.
You're going to feel trapped.
You're going to feeloverwhelmed because you're going
to be thinking to yourself howmuch longer can I do this?
Like I'm in this situationwhere now I'm fixing this for my
partner and then next I have tofix this for my partner and I
have to find the resources forthem.
I know a lot of I have clientsthat they're the ones that
(02:14):
discovered that their partnerhas PMDD and now they're doing
all the research and they'refinding the tools and they're
doing all the things and thepartner who has PMDD is not
doing anything.
And so what happens is when youdon't take that mutual
accountability for the issuesthat you have in your
relationship, it doesn't feellike a relationship anymore
based off of intimacy.
You literally transform intothis parent-child relationship
(02:36):
where you feel like you'retaking care of a child, and what
happens with that is theintimacy is gone, because not
only does your partner feel likethey're the child, now they're
looking up to you as, like thisparental figure.
So now when you're talkingabout intimacy, it's not there
because they're just trying tooh, I need to do this, okay, let
me go do this.
I need to do that Like they'relooking at you like there's this
(02:59):
superiority complex.
But that's not good forintimacy, because you want to be
able to look at your partnerlike a partner, and the way that
you do that is to be able totake mutual accountability the
both of you.
And it's not about blaming apartner for having things that
they need to work on, it's moreso of understanding it.
So it's not that you don't talkto your partner about the
(03:21):
issues that you have.
You can talk to them about itand then say, okay, what's your
game plan?
And you can support them andwhat it is that they're doing.
So I have this package and it'sbasically like a pyramid where I
work with one partner on theirissues that they have with the
PMDD relationship, I work withthe other partner and then I
work with you together on how tocombine the tools and that's
(03:41):
the most out of all the packagesthat I have.
That is the most successful one, because I'm dealing with each
partner individually.
They're able to speak to meabout what's really going on
with them and they're notspeaking to me in a realm of
dumping things on and talkingcrap about their partner, but
they're like this is what I'mstruggling with.
What your partner is strugglingwith is going to be completely
(04:03):
different from what you'restruggling with in the PMDD
relationship.
It's not going to be the same,and that's why these individual
sessions are so beneficial.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
go to inlovewithpmddcom and getthose counseling sessions, and
what you're going to see is apackage.
That one package has the PMDDrelationship toolkit, has the
course.
(04:23):
My Partner has PMDD Now what?
And then it has the privatesessions with it, or you can
just get the sessions.
So what I want you to understandis if your partner has things
that they need to work on, itdoesn't mean that they're not
supposed to be in a relationshipwith you.
It doesn't mean that you're notcompatible.
It doesn't mean that they'rethe wrong partner for you.
You should want your partner tobe consistently growing this is
(04:45):
for the partner that has PMEDand the partner that doesn't but
not growing to the point thatyou're self-sacrificing your own
mental health, your ownemotional health, like basically
, you're neglecting yourself sothat your partner's issues are
being taken care of, becauseover time, you're going to get
bitter and resentful for doingthat.
I remember being in thissituation so many times in
(05:06):
relationships because I do havethat kind of fix it mentality,
like I see a problem and whethermy partners would ask me, I
would just immediately assumethat this is something that I
need to help them with, becausethey would be communicating and
say, oh, I really need help inthis area, like, even if it's
something with finances, if theysaid that they were struggling
in their finances, the firstthing I would do is be like oh,
(05:27):
how can I help you?
Like, cause I'm really good atbudgeting, so I would literally
take over, make them a budget,make them a plan, and then, when
they got to the point wherethey didn't like you know being
on a budget, or they didn't likethe plan, they blame me.
They were like, oh, it's yourfault, I'm in this situation,
(05:50):
and blah, blah, blah.
That's what happens when youare the one that's providing the
tools for your partner.
If anything goes wrong, you'reto blame.
And now it seeps into havingissues in the relationship and
you don't want to be in thatposition because you need to
have a separate entity.
So I'm going to go over some ofthe reasons why you don't need
to take on the burden of yourpartner's issues and I know it's
a hard thing to say becauseyou're like it's not a burden.
I want to be there.
Yes, you want to be there.
You want to be there to carefor them, to support them, but
(06:12):
you don't want to feel likethey're only working on their
issues if you're involved inthem.
Basically, if you're providingthem with the tools, then
they're willing to work on them.
If you stop providing them withthe tools, then willing to work
on them.
If you stop providing them withthe tools, then they're no
longer working on them.
That's not sustainable, becausenow all the pressure's on you,
you almost can get to the pointwhere you feel obligated to stay
with the person because you say, man, if I leave this person,
(06:33):
they're going to stop working onthemselves.
Why do you want to be thereason that your partner is
working on themselves?
Your partner should have theirown intrinsic, their own
internal reasons for working forspecific areas of their life.
I was dating a person recentlyand they were like, oh, I need
to get back in shape.
And that was really hard for meto hear, because I love, you
know, my PMD partners morningroutine.
(06:54):
I work out every day, I move mybody every day, and a big part
of me, like I had to reel myselfback because a big part of me
wanted to like integrate theminto my morning routine and kind
of give them a workout plan andall these things, cause I am a
personal trainer on the side oneof my billion jobs and so I
really wanted to do that, but Ihad to stop myself.
I'm like, no, don't do this,because you know what that looks
(07:16):
like when you begin to holdsomeone accountable.
I did this for my ex.
I held him accountable to aroutine and we were doing the
routine together.
And then when he fell on hardtimes or whatever and he stopped
doing the routine, I was kindof holding him accountable, like
, hey, like you're not doingyour routine anymore.
And he got mad at me one dayand was like I don't need to do
a routine, that's your thing,it's not my thing.
And then it became an issue inour relationship and I was like
(07:38):
Whoa, like it was originallycoming from a good place of me
trying to help, but what happensis, if they ever stop wanting
to do it, if they ever stopwanting to improve themselves,
they're going to be looking atyou like you're the enemy,
because you're holding themaccountable for doing something
that they don't want to doanymore.
And now there's tension betweenthe two of you.
And so the best thing to do andI found this out, I learned
(08:00):
this the hard way so I'm tellingyou, if you're that person
that's on your partner, hey, youneed to get your.
I've had clients where you needto get your passport.
You need to do this because weneed to go here and blah, blah.
You're nagging them and naggingthem and nagging them about what
they need to do in their lifeand they know this is what I
want you to know.
They know what they need to do.
They just might be in a placeand you nagging them doesn't
(08:30):
make them want to do it evenmore.
It almost makes them want to doit even less, because it's
almost like who are you talkingto?
Like you're not my parent, youcan't tell me what to do, kind
of thing.
There's a level of rebellionthat happens when they're
consistently feeling likethey're being nagged for things
that they need to do to improvetheir life, especially when it
comes to for a health aspect,and it's like but I care about
you, I love you, I want you tobe healthy and all these things
they know.
They know how to be healthy,they know the things to do.
If they're in a place wherethey're not wanting to do it
right now, you cannot make them,but what you can do is you can
(08:50):
make them pissed off, you canmake them annoyed, you can make
them avoid you, and that's goingto trickle into issues with
your PMDD relationship, becauseif they're having a hard day and
they're not wanting to dosomething, they're not going to
want to talk to you about itbecause you're going to be that
person on the side.
That's like you need to go dothis?
And don't you know that you'renot supposed to be eating that
because that's not good for you?
And did you take your vitamins?
(09:11):
Leave them alone?
They're a fully functioningadult.
They survived their life beforeyou and, honestly, if anything
happens, they will survive theirlife without you.
You're not their parent.
(09:32):
It is not your job to raiseyour partner.
It is your job to support themin their journey with whatever
it is that they need to work onto make themselves feel good.
And I know how hard that is,because what I was noticing when
my ex was slacking on certainthings, there were certain
things that made him feel goodabout himself.
So what happens when you stopworking on yourself and I know
this personally too if you takea break from working on yourself
in a specific area, you startto get insecure.
You start to get insecure incertain areas and the insecurity
(09:54):
comes from you not doing thethings that make you feel good
and make you feel your best.
For example, let's use workingout for an example.
Say, you stop working out, yougain 20 pounds, and now you're
not even in a place of wantingto work out anymore because now
you've gained the 20 pounds.
It's always harder after you'vegained the weight to move your
body.
And now you're feeling insecurein the relationship.
You're not feeling as confident.
(10:15):
You're feeling like theintimacy is now getting impacted
.
You're not wanting to take yourclothes off in front of your
partner because you're feelinginsecure about your body.
And then if your partner goesout and your partner is still
working on themselves and you'rethinking, wow, what if they go
out and meet someone that looksbetter than me?
This is how this insecurity canhappen.
I know it happened for medating.
When it comes to dating andeducation, now that I'm dating
(10:38):
and I tell people that I have aPhD, it's like this big thing.
It's like, oh well, I was goingto go back to school and I was
going to do this For me.
I don't care about all of that.
I want you to do what makes youfeel your best.
But a lot of times, by youexposing just random facts about
you, people can feel insecureabout that.
So it's not my job to encouragethem to go back to school.
(11:00):
It's not my job to say, hey,what do you need to do?
But I found myself wanting todo that and being like, okay,
well, if you're feeling insecurebecause I'm a doctor and I have
a PhD and you have an associate, what can we do to get you back
in school so that you'refeeling?
Because basically, all I'mwanting is the person to feel
good about themselves and feellike we're on an even not even
(11:22):
even just like not in a place ofa deficit.
I don't want someone else tofeel insecure because of things
that have happened to me, likethings that I have going on,
because it's not a requirementfor me, but I think it's
automatically.
If you show up and you'reexcelling in a certain area of
your life, you're excelling in acertain area of your life.
You're mirroring it to theperson that you're with.
They're automatically feelinginsecure.
This can happen consciously orsubconsciously.
(11:44):
Again, we talked about finances.
So if I'm going in to arelationship and this happened
with a person I was dating wherethey didn't make a lot of money
, they had a career where theydidn't make a lot of money, and
when it came time to go out,they were just like, oh, I don't
know if we can date because Idon't know if I'm I'm.
I know that I'm ready to date,but I don't know if I'm ready to
(12:05):
date you because of what you'reaccustomed to, because of what
you're used to, because I knowyou have money and you're
probably expecting me to takeyou to all these fancy places.
But that's not sustainable tome.
I would just rather do simplethings.
So maybe I just need to datesomebody else and all these
things.
So all of these insecuritiesstarted to come out, and I never
asked the person to take me onthese elaborate dates.
(12:25):
Have I had people on a firstcouple of dates take me to Napa
and take me on wine tours andlavish me with all these things?
Yeah, but did I require it?
No, that's just what they'reable to do when they're dating,
and for a lot of people who havemoney, that's nothing.
You know what I mean.
It's not like they're going outof their way specifically for
me.
I don't take it as a reflectionof how they feel about me.
I just think for peoplespecifically where I live in the
(12:49):
Silicon Valley for those whodon't know, I live in the San
Francisco, the Bay area, andthere's Google down the street,
there's Facebook down the street, there's WeWork down the street
, there's LinkedIn down thestreet, there's a lot of
engineers, there's a lot of richpeople here.
You pretty much have to be richin order to live here.
So shelling out a couple of$500, $600, $700 on a date is
nothing for these people,absolutely nothing.
(13:11):
But if I meet somebody that I'mreally connecting with and they
have a job that doesn't make alot of money, I'm not going to
say, oh, I don't want to dateyou because of this.
But if they're perceiving thatthey're feeling insecure because
of what they have going on intheir life, then they may
self-sabotage, which hashappened where they're just like
(13:31):
I can't keep up with you.
No one's asking you to keep up.
A lot of times your partner canbe insecure about things that
you never require them to do.
So I want you to really thinkabout that.
Think about if you're in thatplace of comparing comparing
what you have to what yourpartner has to what another
couple has.
So with this like maybe youhave couple friends and then
you're going out and you're likethey're super affectionate and
(13:53):
they're super connected, andthen all of the issues that you
have with your intimacy it'slike staring you right in the
face because you're obviouslynot looking connected, you
obviously are not holding hands,you're obviously not kissing
and all of these things thatanother couple is doing right in
front of you.
So then you may be feelinginsecure and like maybe my
partner would love to be withsomeone who's really
affectionate.
Like, I dealt with this andI'll give you one more example.
(14:16):
I've dealt with this so muchthat I can just keep going on
and on and on, but I knowexamples are really, really
helpful.
I go to church every Sunday.
That's part of my faith, it'spart of my Sunday morning
routine and that's my thing.
That is my relationship withGod.
It is my personal relationship.
If I'm connecting with someone.
(14:36):
I remember my ex, my ex-husband,literally began to get insecure
because I guess he was sayinghe's not a church person or
whatever the thing is.
We had separate religions.
He grew up Muslim and I grew upChristian.
I always believe do what makesyou feel your best when we go to
eternity.
Whatever you believe in, I'mnot going to be standing there
(14:58):
with you.
I'm going to be standing therewith me.
It's going to be about myrelationship with God, my
relationship with my faith.
So I'm never going to projectthat on someone else.
If that's not something you'recomfortable with, as long as
you're not influencing mypersonal relationship with God,
then do whatever makes you feelgood.
I've dated a lot of Jewishpeople here who have that faith
(15:18):
and I respect it.
I respect all religions,whatever it is that you choose
to practice.
I agree with the Buddhistreligion.
A lot of their practices aboutpeace and mindfulness and stuff.
I use it in my practice.
I just have my personalrelationship with God.
So I'm not looking to compare,but I think a lot of times when
(15:40):
someone's looking at yourlifestyle, they're going to be
like, oh my gosh, if I'm withher and she's a Christian, I
guess I'm going to have to be atchurch every Sunday, and so my
church is very.
If you follow me on Instagram,you'll see me in church, and
everybody used to think it was aconcert.
I had to literally put like no,this is my church, like I love
it so much.
The music is amazing, the bandis amazing, people are just so
happy and motivating andnurturing, and I've been,
(16:06):
there's been so many times whereI've been in the depths of PNDD
, tears coming down my face, andit's just such a relief for me.
This is part of my practice, myfaith, my thing, and he was
just.
He came to church, you know,obviously one Sunday, and I'm up
there dancing and I'm havingfun and all these things and I'm
connecting with God and it justfills my cup.
And then he was like lookingaround at these men who were
(16:27):
like also doing that.
And then we walked out of churchand he literally said I bet you
want to be with someone whowants to dance around in church.
And I was just looking like Inever said anything to you,
chicken nugget, why are youprojecting your insecurities on
me?
I never asked you to dancearound in church.
And I said well, as a matter offact, since you brought it up,
(16:49):
which is a lot of times what canhappen your partner projects
their insecurities on you andnow it becomes an issue because
it's like, well, I wasn'tthinking about that, but now
that you mention it, yeah, Iwould like someone that dances
around in church and that lovesGod and all these things,
because it's aligned with me.
Is that a requirement?
Obviously not.
I'm with you, but a lot oftimes you create issues that
(17:09):
aren't really issues becauseyou're projecting your
insecurities on your partner.
So I want you to be verycareful about how you're dealing
with the insecurities that comeup, because when you get in a
relationship, it is an intimaterelationship.
It is going to expose all ofthe issues that you really have
with yourself personally,because you're being mirrored
with this other person.
You're now looking at what isit that I can provide to this
(17:32):
person.
So if you have an insecurity,like we talked about, with your
body image, if you have aninsecurity with your finances,
if you have an insecurity withyour education, if you have an
insecurity with your faith, ifyou have an insecurity with any
of these issues that areconnecting you with this person,
it's automatically going tomake you feel uncomfortable to
be around them, because they maybe in a place where they're
thriving and you're not andyou're working on it.
(17:54):
And for me I think that you knowit can be motivating to be with
someone who you know has theseaccolades that you don't
necessarily have.
I know with my partner, myex-partner, my ex-husband, ex ex
ex.
When I met him, he had anassociate.
By the time we got divorced hehad a master's in counseling and
it was because he watched me.
Get my doctorate.
(18:14):
Did I encourage him?
I absolutely did, because hekept bringing it up.
And get my doctorate, did Iencourage him?
I absolutely did, because hekept bringing it up and I was
like I feel like you, but I didit in such a loving way.
I was like I feel like youwould be really good at this,
because he got his in counselingwith life coaching, and I still
think that to this day.
I think he's an amazing coach.
He's so motivating.
I can see the gifts in otherpeople.
So if I'm telling you aboutsomething, it's not to make you
(18:35):
feel bad or make you feel likeyou have to do something.
It's to pull out the greatnessthat's already in you.
It's like, hey, you can chooseto take it or leave it.
Whether you take it or leave it, I'm still going to love you.
I'm still going to care aboutyou.
I'm still going to be here.
But if this is something thatyou want to work on, I will help
you.
Where he was struggling withschool, he was like I'm doing
this because you told me to doit and I was just like what?
(19:01):
Like I don't get anything outof you getting a degree.
I don't get an extra couple ofletters on the end of my name.
Like I'm doing this literallyfor you, I'm supporting you for
you, but a lot of times whenyou're the one that caused them
to be pushed in a certain areaof their life.
When it gets uncomfortable,guess who they're going to be
looking at?
It's kind of like the teenagers,when you're telling them all
(19:22):
these things and you're like youneed to clean your room, you
need to do this, you need to dothat there.
When they don't want to do it,they're going to be mad at you,
like you're the problem.
It's like listen tools.
I'm going to go over thereasons why you should not do
this.
Like take it from me.
Matter of fact, you're going tofeel so much lighter when you
(19:46):
just take your hands off ofwhatever insecurity and issue
that your partner has.
Take your hands off.
If they don't want to do it, ifthey don't want to work on it,
it's okay.
It's not their time.
That doesn't mean that they'renever going to want to work on
it, but they may not be readyand I know for me, when I've
made big changes in my life, Ihad to be ready because I had to
(20:08):
be able to motivate myself.
And if you're sitting therewaiting for the motivation I
don't like the word motivationbecause I feel like it's so
you're like you can only dothings when you're motivated to
do them.
I believe in discipline, whereyou're doing what you need to do
, whether you feel like it ornot.
If I only did what I wasmotivated to do, I wouldn't have
anything done.
Because you know, you get inyour follicular phase and you're
, like, super motivated to doall these things and then you
(20:35):
get in your luteal.
If you have PMDD, stop waitingfor motivation, because it'll
come and it'll leave and you'llbe sitting there looking crazy
because you'll have all of theseunfinished projects which used
to be me and it's no shade, thatused to be me.
I used to start a whole bunchof things in my follicular phase
and never finished them.
Because when I got in my lutealphase, when I got into PMDD and
(20:56):
I started suffering withsymptoms, I didn't feel like
doing it.
And guess what?
I had the mentality if I don'tfeel like doing it, I'm not
going to do it until I feel likedoing it again.
And when did I feel like doingit again?
When I got back into PMDD or,I'm sorry, back in my follicular
phase.
So it was a cycle of starting,stopping, starting, stopping up
about it.
That's one of the ways that youget the insecurities, because
it's like man, I can't finishanything.
You almost think you have ADDor ADHD because you keep
(21:19):
starting all these projects whenreally you're just moving off
of motivation.
You're just moving off of whenI'm motivated, I'm going to do
it.
When I'm not motivated, I'mgoing to do it.
And your partner could be doingthe same thing and it could be
driving you a little bit crazy,because you're seeing them.
You're like, yeah, they'remaking progress in this certain
area, they're working onthemselves, and then they stop
when they don't feel like it.
And then you get on them andyou're like I thought you were
(21:39):
working on this, or I thoughtyou weren't going to eat that
because you were trying to workon your weight, or I thought you
weren't going to spend thatmoney because you're working on
saving.
You're pretty much ripping theblanket off of all of their
insecurities.
It's like they issues is you'renot.
(22:00):
You are their partner.
You're not their therapist, andI will repeat that you are
their partner.
You are not their therapist.
It's very, very supportive tolisten to what your partner is
going through, but when it comesto a fix-it plan, you need to
have an outside entity.
You need to have someone elsethat is going to hold them
(22:22):
accountable for their goals, sothat it doesn't interrupt the
intimacy and the connection thatyou have in that relationship.
Because, say, if they're goingthrough something, as they're
working on something, and theywant to just talk about it, but
they don't want to talk about itwith the same person, like, if
I'm trying to lose weight andI'm really struggling with a
certain area and I want to justsit and have a piece of cake, I
don't want to have a piece ofcake with somebody that's
coaching me to lose the weight.
(22:43):
Like that's not comfortable.
Now I'm going to be feelinginsecure about, like, putting
stuff on my dinner plate becauseI feel like they're going to be
watching me.
Like, let let them have a.
That's what my my ex said.
We got a coach for him.
We got an outside entity like aworkout plan or something.
Go, hold yourself accountablewith that workout plan, with
that coach, with that separateperson, not me.
Like it's not, don't, let it beyou, okay.
(23:07):
So, yes, listen to them.
But when your partner has deeprooted insecurities, past trauma
, unresolved issues, childhoodtrauma, all the things they need
a professional, like when Ineeded help with dating,
obviously I'm not going to go towell.
Obviously I can't go tosomebody.
Well, okay, when I had theissue with self-love at the
beginning of the year and I waslike this is something that I
(23:27):
really need to work on.
I don't need to project that onanyone that I'm dating, and
it's like, hey, I'm trying tolove myself, can you help me
love myself?
No, I hired someone, and Italked to you about the program
that I'm currently enrolled in.
I invested and hired someone tohelp me, because I don't want
to project my insecurities on apartner and feel like they're
going to be like well, what canI do?
What can I do?
It's not their job, it's notyour partner or anyone that
(23:50):
you're dating.
It's not your companion's jobto fix you.
And so the next reason that youdon't want to take on your
partner's issues is you deserveemotional space too.
Your emotions, your needs andyour wellbeing matters just as
much as theirs.
But a lot of times, if you'recomparing your situation, you're
like well, I'm better in thisarea.
You're going to tend to putyour needs on the back burner,
(24:11):
because if you're feeling, ifyour partner is really jealous
and insecure, you're going to begiving them extra attention,
extra validation, extra love sothat they can feel secure and
you're going to get burnt outbecause you're going to be like
I'm giving this, I'm giving this, I'm giving this and they're
still jealous, they're stillinsecure because you're going to
be neglecting your own peaceand feeling like, in order for
my partner to feel secure, Ineed to be pouring into them.
(24:34):
And so the next reason istaking on their insecurities
creates resentment.
This happened with me a lot oftimes where you know if I was, I
was constantly absorbing mypartner's fears, my partner's
doubts, my start, my partner'sanxieties, my partner's issues,
and I started to feel drainedand unappreciated because it
(24:55):
started to felt like it wasexpected, like I was just
expected to keep taking oneverything that was going on
with them and I didn't even havetime to deal with what was
going on with me.
So I felt burnt out, I feltfrustrated, I felt disconnected
because I felt like every singletime I was talking to them, I
was going to have a conversation, it was going to end up with me
pouring into them and I'mgetting depleted.
It can, because they'll startto get used to it.
(25:17):
When you're that person that'spouring into them, they'll get
used to it in a way where it'slike in the beginning they may
be super grateful, right, butthen over time it's like of
course you're going to take careof my issues, of course you're
going to save me, and it's likeit's not sustainable long-term.
If this is like a short-termthing, like a one-time thing,
yeah, but if they're going to beexpecting it over time, they're
(25:37):
going to start to loseappreciation and you're going to
feel devalued, you're going tofeel burnt out, you're going to
feel resentful and if you everstop doing whatever it is, it's
really going to be an issue.
That's the thing.
You have to be able to sustainit and keep it going, because if
you stop providing that support, they're almost going to treat
you differently because you'renot providing that level of
(25:57):
support and what you're doing is.
The next reason is your partnermust learn how to self-soothe
and manage their own emotions.
I'm going to repeat that yourpartner needs to self-soothe and
manage their own emotions.
One of the biggest lessons inPMDD is understanding that your
partner's emotions are not yourresponsibility to manage.
(26:18):
Your partner's emotions andfeelings and moods is not your
responsibility to manage.
If they expect you to fix everytime that they have a mood and
this is for the partner that hasPMDD and that doesn't.
They were never going toself-soothe.
They're never going to regulatethemselves.
They're going to put everythingon you to make them feel better
, and so they're never going tolearn how to self-soothe.
They're never going to regulatethemselves.
They're going to put everythingon you to make them feel better
(26:39):
, and so they're never going tolearn how to self-soothe.
Where?
If you're in PMDD and you'rewanting to take some space and
time to yourself because you'restruggling with your symptoms,
you're never going to be able todo it because your partner is
going to be right there, but Ifeel lonely and I need attention
and I need affection and I needvalidation, and you're going to
be like well, is there anythingelse that you can do while I'm
struggling over here?
And they're going to be like no.
The next reason is boundariesare healthy.
(27:03):
They're not hurtful.
So this is how you can set aboundary, because I had to do
this before too, where I knewthat my partner was expecting me
to help in a certain area and Ijust didn't have it in me
sometimes and I would say I loveyou, but I can't take this one
on for you.
I love you, I care about you,but I could not take this one on
(27:25):
for you, like I don't have thecapacity right now.
And it's not abandoning them,it's setting a boundary.
But I know how you can feellike if I don't meet their needs
, I'm abandoning them.
No, if you're alreadyemotionally overwhelmed and
exhausted and you're depletingyourself, you're going to be
remembering why you're depletedand that's where the bitterness,
the resentment and theunforgiveness is going to come
(27:46):
from.
This is why you're going to beable to think to yourself that
my partner's the enemy.
They're stealing my peacebecause they're not allowing you
to have peace, because you'renot setting that boundary.
So it's actually on you to setthat boundary and say listen,
say it lovingly.
You don't have to say like Ican't deal with this right now.
You know I'm in PMDD or you'rein PMDD, I can't deal with your
emotions right now.
Just say I love you, I careabout you.
I can't take this one on Like Ijust need to regulate my own
(28:07):
emotions right now.
And the next reason issupporting your partner
shouldn't mean that you'relosing yourself.
If there are things that yougenuinely love doing, that you
find joy, you find peace indoing, then you don't stop doing
those things just becauseyou're with your partner because
(28:27):
you are going to resent them.
So loving someone with PMDD orbeing in a PMDD relationship
does not mean that you'reabsorbing your partner's pain
every single month.
It doesn't mean that it's yourjob to fix their insecurity.
It doesn't mean that you'reabsorbing your partner's pain
every single month.
It doesn't mean that it's yourjob to fix their insecurity.
It doesn't mean that you'retaking the blame for their
emotions and their moods and theway that they've been triggered
.
That's not what the requirementis.
You're not being a bad PMDDpartner If you're doing things
(28:50):
that genuinely bring you joy.
Some partners you're kind of ina codependent relationship.
If you feel like you can't behappy if your partner's not
happy and I'm going to say thatwith love, because I've been in
relationships like that whereit's like I'm actually in a
really good place, I'm actuallyfeeling really good about myself
and my partner's feeling likecrap and I almost feel like I
(29:10):
can't even celebrate certainwins that I was having or I
can't even celebrate things thatI have going on because they're
in a bad place.
So what I want to let you knowout of this whole episode is you
could support your PMDD partner, whether it's the partner that
has PMDD or the partner thatdoesn't, without losing yourself
(29:32):
.
So ask yourself that questionright now Am I losing myself by
trying to support my partner?
This is a very simple questionto ask, to see if you're falling
in this category.
Am I losing myself while tryingto support my partner?
And if the answer is yes,that's okay, because I've been
there where I've had to like,been like, hey, this is actually
(29:52):
a me thing, like I actually putmyself in this situation and
what you can do is provide themwith support.
Provide them with support in away that is, remember, get an
outside entity with whateverarea of their life that they're
trying to work on.
That is providing issues inyour PMDD relationships.
If they're having issues withfinances, get a financial
counselor, get someone, investin someone that can help you.
(30:16):
So this is one of the reasonswhy I created the PMDD Power
Couples membership.
It's a group counselingmembership where, whatever you
have going on in your PMDDrelationship, you're going to be
able to meet with me on aweekly basis and be able to get
those questions, answers anddeal with it and not be
depending on your partner.
You can come on there, yourpartner can come on there.
If that's something that youknow that you need help with and
(30:38):
you know that you would ratherwhich a lot of my private
clients say I would rather talkabout this issue with Dr Rose
than for us to talk about itjust the two of us, because
we're going to be going at it,we're going to be blaming, we're
going to be criticizing, we'regoing to be getting defensive
and it's not going to be healthy.
If this is something that youknow that you need help with, go
to inlovewithpmddcom.
The membership is in the shownotes.
We are going to be launchingthis month the PMDD Power
(31:00):
Couples, and this is going to bea great way for you to take all
of the issues that you have inyour PMDD relationship and have
someone else deal with them.
For you that you're not theperson, so you don't get burnt
out and you have that level ofaccountability where you can say
, hey, we don't need to argueabout this right now, let's wait
until we go into the PMDD powercouples and we'll talk about it
in there.
So until next time we got this,love you.
Today I want to talk to you about one of the most
common misconceptions thathappen in PMDD relationships,
and that is thinking and feelinglike it is your job to manage
your partner's issues, to manageyour partner's insecurities.
And I just really want to talkto you about this because this
is one of the main reasons forthe partners and the sufferers
(00:24):
to begin to have burnout in therelationship and it is because
you feel like it's yourresponsibility to fix your
partner.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel more secure.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel happier in the
relationship.
It's your responsibility tomake them feel happier in their
life.
When you see your partner isdissatisfied with a certain area
(00:46):
of their life specificallythat's impacting the
relationship, you automaticallyget into fix it mode and you
feel like you need to dosomething about it.
And I know it's so hard to besitting on the sidelines and
seeing your partner suffering ina specific area.
But when you begin to feel thatpressure that it's your job to
make it better for them, there'sa level of caregiver burnout
(01:09):
that you're going to begin toexperience because it's not
sustainable over a long periodof time.
If you really think about it,there's probably always going to
be something that your partnerneeds to work on.
There's always going to be anarea of their life that they
need to grow in.
Maybe it's their emotionalintelligence, maybe it's
managing their PMDD rage.
Maybe it's managing their rageif they're the partner who
doesn't have PMDD.
(01:30):
Or maybe it's self-soothing.
Maybe you need space when yougo into PMDD and you just need
your partner to be able toself-soothe and not take
everything so personally.
So there's always going to besomething that your partner or
you need to work on in your PMDDrelationship.
And if you're consistentlybecoming codependent, where
(01:50):
you're trying to fix one anotherover time, it's not going to be
sustainable and you're going tofeel trapped.
You're going to feel trapped.
You're going to feeloverwhelmed because you're going
to be thinking to yourself howmuch longer can I do this?
Like I'm in this situationwhere now I'm fixing this for my
partner and then next I have tofix this for my partner and I
have to find the resources forthem.
I know a lot of I have clientsthat they're the ones that
(02:14):
discovered that their partnerhas PMDD and now they're doing
all the research and they'refinding the tools and they're
doing all the things and thepartner who has PMDD is not
doing anything.
And so what happens is when youdon't take that mutual
accountability for the issuesthat you have in your
relationship, it doesn't feellike a relationship anymore
based off of intimacy.
You literally transform intothis parent-child relationship
(02:36):
where you feel like you'retaking care of a child, and what
happens with that is theintimacy is gone, because not
only does your partner feel likethey're the child, now they're
looking up to you as, like thisparental figure.
So now when you're talkingabout intimacy, it's not there
because they're just trying tooh, I need to do this, okay, let
me go do this.
I need to do that Like they'relooking at you like there's this
(02:59):
superiority complex.
But that's not good forintimacy, because you want to be
able to look at your partnerlike a partner, and the way that
you do that is to be able totake mutual accountability the
both of you.
And it's not about blaming apartner for having things that
they need to work on, it's moreso of understanding it.
So it's not that you don't talkto your partner about the
(03:21):
issues that you have.
You can talk to them about itand then say, okay, what's your
game plan?
And you can support them andwhat it is that they're doing.
So I have this package and it'sbasically like a pyramid where I
work with one partner on theirissues that they have with the
PMDD relationship, I work withthe other partner and then I
work with you together on how tocombine the tools and that's
(03:41):
the most out of all the packagesthat I have.
That is the most successful one, because I'm dealing with each
partner individually.
They're able to speak to meabout what's really going on
with them and they're notspeaking to me in a realm of
dumping things on and talkingcrap about their partner, but
they're like this is what I'mstruggling with.
What your partner is strugglingwith is going to be completely
(04:03):
different from what you'restruggling with in the PMDD
relationship.
It's not going to be the same,and that's why these individual
sessions are so beneficial.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
go to inlovewithpmddcom and getthose counseling sessions, and
what you're going to see is apackage.
That one package has the PMDDrelationship toolkit, has the
course.
(04:23):
My Partner has PMDD Now what?
And then it has the privatesessions with it, or you can
just get the sessions.
So what I want you to understandis if your partner has things
that they need to work on, itdoesn't mean that they're not
supposed to be in a relationshipwith you.
It doesn't mean that you're notcompatible.
It doesn't mean that they'rethe wrong partner for you.
You should want your partner tobe consistently growing this is
(04:45):
for the partner that has PMEDand the partner that doesn't but
not growing to the point thatyou're self-sacrificing your own
mental health, your ownemotional health, like basically
, you're neglecting yourself sothat your partner's issues are
being taken care of, becauseover time, you're going to get
bitter and resentful for doingthat.
I remember being in thissituation so many times in
(05:06):
relationships because I do havethat kind of fix it mentality,
like I see a problem and whethermy partners would ask me, I
would just immediately assumethat this is something that I
need to help them with, becausethey would be communicating and
say, oh, I really need help inthis area, like, even if it's
something with finances, if theysaid that they were struggling
in their finances, the firstthing I would do is be like oh,
(05:27):
how can I help you?
Like, cause I'm really good atbudgeting, so I would literally
take over, make them a budget,make them a plan, and then, when
they got to the point wherethey didn't like you know being
on a budget, or they didn't likethe plan, they blame me.
They were like, oh, it's yourfault, I'm in this situation,
(05:50):
and blah, blah, blah.
That's what happens when youare the one that's providing the
tools for your partner.
If anything goes wrong, you'reto blame.
And now it seeps into havingissues in the relationship and
you don't want to be in thatposition because you need to
have a separate entity.
So I'm going to go over some ofthe reasons why you don't need
to take on the burden of yourpartner's issues and I know it's
a hard thing to say becauseyou're like it's not a burden.
I want to be there.
Yes, you want to be there.
You want to be there to carefor them, to support them, but
(06:12):
you don't want to feel likethey're only working on their
issues if you're involved inthem.
Basically, if you're providingthem with the tools, then
they're willing to work on them.
If you stop providing them withthe tools, then willing to work
on them.
If you stop providing them withthe tools, then they're no
longer working on them.
That's not sustainable, becausenow all the pressure's on you,
you almost can get to the pointwhere you feel obligated to stay
with the person because you say, man, if I leave this person,
(06:33):
they're going to stop working onthemselves.
Why do you want to be thereason that your partner is
working on themselves?
Your partner should have theirown intrinsic, their own
internal reasons for working forspecific areas of their life.
I was dating a person recentlyand they were like, oh, I need
to get back in shape.
And that was really hard for meto hear, because I love, you
know, my PMD partners morningroutine.
(06:54):
I work out every day, I move mybody every day, and a big part
of me, like I had to reel myselfback because a big part of me
wanted to like integrate theminto my morning routine and kind
of give them a workout plan andall these things, cause I am a
personal trainer on the side oneof my billion jobs and so I
really wanted to do that, but Ihad to stop myself.
I'm like, no, don't do this,because you know what that looks
(07:16):
like when you begin to holdsomeone accountable.
I did this for my ex.
I held him accountable to aroutine and we were doing the
routine together.
And then when he fell on hardtimes or whatever and he stopped
doing the routine, I was kindof holding him accountable, like
, hey, like you're not doingyour routine anymore.
And he got mad at me one dayand was like I don't need to do
a routine, that's your thing,it's not my thing.
And then it became an issue inour relationship and I was like
(07:38):
Whoa, like it was originallycoming from a good place of me
trying to help, but what happensis, if they ever stop wanting
to do it, if they ever stopwanting to improve themselves,
they're going to be looking atyou like you're the enemy,
because you're holding themaccountable for doing something
that they don't want to doanymore.
And now there's tension betweenthe two of you.
And so the best thing to do andI found this out, I learned
(08:00):
this the hard way so I'm tellingyou, if you're that person
that's on your partner, hey, youneed to get your.
I've had clients where you needto get your passport.
You need to do this because weneed to go here and blah, blah.
You're nagging them and naggingthem and nagging them about what
they need to do in their lifeand they know this is what I
want you to know.
They know what they need to do.
They just might be in a placeand you nagging them doesn't
(08:30):
make them want to do it evenmore.
It almost makes them want to doit even less, because it's
almost like who are you talkingto?
Like you're not my parent, youcan't tell me what to do, kind
of thing.
There's a level of rebellionthat happens when they're
consistently feeling likethey're being nagged for things
that they need to do to improvetheir life, especially when it
comes to for a health aspect,and it's like but I care about
you, I love you, I want you tobe healthy and all these things
they know.
They know how to be healthy,they know the things to do.
If they're in a place wherethey're not wanting to do it
right now, you cannot make them,but what you can do is you can
(08:50):
make them pissed off, you canmake them annoyed, you can make
them avoid you, and that's goingto trickle into issues with
your PMDD relationship, becauseif they're having a hard day and
they're not wanting to dosomething, they're not going to
want to talk to you about itbecause you're going to be that
person on the side.
That's like you need to go dothis?
And don't you know that you'renot supposed to be eating that
because that's not good for you?
And did you take your vitamins?
(09:11):
Leave them alone?
They're a fully functioningadult.
They survived their life beforeyou and, honestly, if anything
happens, they will survive theirlife without you.
You're not their parent.
(09:32):
It is not your job to raiseyour partner.
It is your job to support themin their journey with whatever
it is that they need to work onto make themselves feel good.
And I know how hard that is,because what I was noticing when
my ex was slacking on certainthings, there were certain
things that made him feel goodabout himself.
So what happens when you stopworking on yourself and I know
this personally too if you takea break from working on yourself
in a specific area, you startto get insecure.
You start to get insecure incertain areas and the insecurity
(09:54):
comes from you not doing thethings that make you feel good
and make you feel your best.
For example, let's use workingout for an example.
Say, you stop working out, yougain 20 pounds, and now you're
not even in a place of wantingto work out anymore because now
you've gained the 20 pounds.
It's always harder after you'vegained the weight to move your
body.
And now you're feeling insecurein the relationship.
You're not feeling as confident.
(10:15):
You're feeling like theintimacy is now getting impacted
.
You're not wanting to take yourclothes off in front of your
partner because you're feelinginsecure about your body.
And then if your partner goesout and your partner is still
working on themselves and you'rethinking, wow, what if they go
out and meet someone that looksbetter than me?
This is how this insecurity canhappen.
I know it happened for medating.
When it comes to dating andeducation, now that I'm dating
(10:38):
and I tell people that I have aPhD, it's like this big thing.
It's like, oh well, I was goingto go back to school and I was
going to do this For me.
I don't care about all of that.
I want you to do what makes youfeel your best.
But a lot of times, by youexposing just random facts about
you, people can feel insecureabout that.
So it's not my job to encouragethem to go back to school.
(11:00):
It's not my job to say, hey,what do you need to do?
But I found myself wanting todo that and being like, okay,
well, if you're feeling insecurebecause I'm a doctor and I have
a PhD and you have an associate, what can we do to get you back
in school so that you'refeeling?
Because basically, all I'mwanting is the person to feel
good about themselves and feellike we're on an even not even
(11:22):
even just like not in a place ofa deficit.
I don't want someone else tofeel insecure because of things
that have happened to me, likethings that I have going on,
because it's not a requirementfor me, but I think it's
automatically.
If you show up and you'reexcelling in a certain area of
your life, you're excelling in acertain area of your life.
You're mirroring it to theperson that you're with.
They're automatically feelinginsecure.
This can happen consciously orsubconsciously.
(11:44):
Again, we talked about finances.
So if I'm going in to arelationship and this happened
with a person I was dating wherethey didn't make a lot of money
, they had a career where theydidn't make a lot of money, and
when it came time to go out,they were just like, oh, I don't
know if we can date because Idon't know if I'm I'm.
I know that I'm ready to date,but I don't know if I'm ready to
(12:05):
date you because of what you'reaccustomed to, because of what
you're used to, because I knowyou have money and you're
probably expecting me to takeyou to all these fancy places.
But that's not sustainable tome.
I would just rather do simplethings.
So maybe I just need to datesomebody else and all these
things.
So all of these insecuritiesstarted to come out, and I never
asked the person to take me onthese elaborate dates.
(12:25):
Have I had people on a firstcouple of dates take me to Napa
and take me on wine tours andlavish me with all these things?
Yeah, but did I require it?
No, that's just what they'reable to do when they're dating,
and for a lot of people who havemoney, that's nothing.
You know what I mean.
It's not like they're going outof their way specifically for
me.
I don't take it as a reflectionof how they feel about me.
I just think for peoplespecifically where I live in the
(12:49):
Silicon Valley for those whodon't know, I live in the San
Francisco, the Bay area, andthere's Google down the street,
there's Facebook down the street, there's WeWork down the street
, there's LinkedIn down thestreet, there's a lot of
engineers, there's a lot of richpeople here.
You pretty much have to be richin order to live here.
So shelling out a couple of$500, $600, $700 on a date is
nothing for these people,absolutely nothing.
(13:11):
But if I meet somebody that I'mreally connecting with and they
have a job that doesn't make alot of money, I'm not going to
say, oh, I don't want to dateyou because of this.
But if they're perceiving thatthey're feeling insecure because
of what they have going on intheir life, then they may
self-sabotage, which hashappened where they're just like
(13:31):
I can't keep up with you.
No one's asking you to keep up.
A lot of times your partner canbe insecure about things that
you never require them to do.
So I want you to really thinkabout that.
Think about if you're in thatplace of comparing comparing
what you have to what yourpartner has to what another
couple has.
So with this like maybe youhave couple friends and then
you're going out and you're likethey're super affectionate and
(13:53):
they're super connected, andthen all of the issues that you
have with your intimacy it'slike staring you right in the
face because you're obviouslynot looking connected, you
obviously are not holding hands,you're obviously not kissing
and all of these things thatanother couple is doing right in
front of you.
So then you may be feelinginsecure and like maybe my
partner would love to be withsomeone who's really
affectionate.
Like, I dealt with this andI'll give you one more example.
(14:16):
I've dealt with this so muchthat I can just keep going on
and on and on, but I knowexamples are really, really
helpful.
I go to church every Sunday.
That's part of my faith, it'spart of my Sunday morning
routine and that's my thing.
That is my relationship withGod.
It is my personal relationship.
If I'm connecting with someone.
(14:36):
I remember my ex, my ex-husband,literally began to get insecure
because I guess he was sayinghe's not a church person or
whatever the thing is.
We had separate religions.
He grew up Muslim and I grew upChristian.
I always believe do what makesyou feel your best when we go to
eternity.
Whatever you believe in, I'mnot going to be standing there
(14:58):
with you.
I'm going to be standing therewith me.
It's going to be about myrelationship with God, my
relationship with my faith.
So I'm never going to projectthat on someone else.
If that's not something you'recomfortable with, as long as
you're not influencing mypersonal relationship with God,
then do whatever makes you feelgood.
I've dated a lot of Jewishpeople here who have that faith
(15:18):
and I respect it.
I respect all religions,whatever it is that you choose
to practice.
I agree with the Buddhistreligion.
A lot of their practices aboutpeace and mindfulness and stuff.
I use it in my practice.
I just have my personalrelationship with God.
So I'm not looking to compare,but I think a lot of times when
(15:40):
someone's looking at yourlifestyle, they're going to be
like, oh my gosh, if I'm withher and she's a Christian, I
guess I'm going to have to be atchurch every Sunday, and so my
church is very.
If you follow me on Instagram,you'll see me in church, and
everybody used to think it was aconcert.
I had to literally put like no,this is my church, like I love
it so much.
The music is amazing, the bandis amazing, people are just so
happy and motivating andnurturing, and I've been,
(16:06):
there's been so many times whereI've been in the depths of PNDD
, tears coming down my face, andit's just such a relief for me.
This is part of my practice, myfaith, my thing, and he was
just.
He came to church, you know,obviously one Sunday, and I'm up
there dancing and I'm havingfun and all these things and I'm
connecting with God and it justfills my cup.
And then he was like lookingaround at these men who were
(16:27):
like also doing that.
And then we walked out of churchand he literally said I bet you
want to be with someone whowants to dance around in church.
And I was just looking like Inever said anything to you,
chicken nugget, why are youprojecting your insecurities on
me?
I never asked you to dancearound in church.
And I said well, as a matter offact, since you brought it up,
(16:49):
which is a lot of times what canhappen your partner projects
their insecurities on you andnow it becomes an issue because
it's like, well, I wasn'tthinking about that, but now
that you mention it, yeah, Iwould like someone that dances
around in church and that lovesGod and all these things,
because it's aligned with me.
Is that a requirement?
Obviously not.
I'm with you, but a lot oftimes you create issues that
(17:09):
aren't really issues becauseyou're projecting your
insecurities on your partner.
So I want you to be verycareful about how you're dealing
with the insecurities that comeup, because when you get in a
relationship, it is an intimaterelationship.
It is going to expose all ofthe issues that you really have
with yourself personally,because you're being mirrored
with this other person.
You're now looking at what isit that I can provide to this
(17:32):
person.
So if you have an insecurity,like we talked about, with your
body image, if you have aninsecurity with your finances,
if you have an insecurity withyour education, if you have an
insecurity with your faith, ifyou have an insecurity with any
of these issues that areconnecting you with this person,
it's automatically going tomake you feel uncomfortable to
be around them, because they maybe in a place where they're
thriving and you're not andyou're working on it.
(17:54):
And for me I think that you knowit can be motivating to be with
someone who you know has theseaccolades that you don't
necessarily have.
I know with my partner, myex-partner, my ex-husband, ex ex
ex.
When I met him, he had anassociate.
By the time we got divorced hehad a master's in counseling and
it was because he watched me.
Get my doctorate.
(18:14):
Did I encourage him?
I absolutely did, because hekept bringing it up.
And get my doctorate, did Iencourage him?
I absolutely did, because hekept bringing it up and I was
like I feel like you, but I didit in such a loving way.
I was like I feel like youwould be really good at this,
because he got his in counselingwith life coaching, and I still
think that to this day.
I think he's an amazing coach.
He's so motivating.
I can see the gifts in otherpeople.
So if I'm telling you aboutsomething, it's not to make you
(18:35):
feel bad or make you feel likeyou have to do something.
It's to pull out the greatnessthat's already in you.
It's like, hey, you can chooseto take it or leave it.
Whether you take it or leave it, I'm still going to love you.
I'm still going to care aboutyou.
I'm still going to be here.
But if this is something thatyou want to work on, I will help
you.
Where he was struggling withschool, he was like I'm doing
this because you told me to doit and I was just like what?
(19:01):
Like I don't get anything outof you getting a degree.
I don't get an extra couple ofletters on the end of my name.
Like I'm doing this literallyfor you, I'm supporting you for
you, but a lot of times whenyou're the one that caused them
to be pushed in a certain areaof their life.
When it gets uncomfortable,guess who they're going to be
looking at?
It's kind of like the teenagers,when you're telling them all
(19:22):
these things and you're like youneed to clean your room, you
need to do this, you need to dothat there.
When they don't want to do it,they're going to be mad at you,
like you're the problem.
It's like listen tools.
I'm going to go over thereasons why you should not do
this.
Like take it from me.
Matter of fact, you're going tofeel so much lighter when you
(19:46):
just take your hands off ofwhatever insecurity and issue
that your partner has.
Take your hands off.
If they don't want to do it, ifthey don't want to work on it,
it's okay.
It's not their time.
That doesn't mean that they'renever going to want to work on
it, but they may not be readyand I know for me, when I've
made big changes in my life, Ihad to be ready because I had to
(20:08):
be able to motivate myself.
And if you're sitting therewaiting for the motivation I
don't like the word motivationbecause I feel like it's so
you're like you can only dothings when you're motivated to
do them.
I believe in discipline, whereyou're doing what you need to do
, whether you feel like it ornot.
If I only did what I wasmotivated to do, I wouldn't have
anything done.
Because you know, you get inyour follicular phase and you're
, like, super motivated to doall these things and then you
(20:35):
get in your luteal.
If you have PMDD, stop waitingfor motivation, because it'll
come and it'll leave and you'llbe sitting there looking crazy
because you'll have all of theseunfinished projects which used
to be me and it's no shade, thatused to be me.
I used to start a whole bunchof things in my follicular phase
and never finished them.
Because when I got in my lutealphase, when I got into PMDD and
(20:56):
I started suffering withsymptoms, I didn't feel like
doing it.
And guess what?
I had the mentality if I don'tfeel like doing it, I'm not
going to do it until I feel likedoing it again.
And when did I feel like doingit again?
When I got back into PMDD or,I'm sorry, back in my follicular
phase.
So it was a cycle of starting,stopping, starting, stopping up
about it.
That's one of the ways that youget the insecurities, because
it's like man, I can't finishanything.
You almost think you have ADDor ADHD because you keep
(21:19):
starting all these projects whenreally you're just moving off
of motivation.
You're just moving off of whenI'm motivated, I'm going to do
it.
When I'm not motivated, I'mgoing to do it.
And your partner could be doingthe same thing and it could be
driving you a little bit crazy,because you're seeing them.
You're like, yeah, they'remaking progress in this certain
area, they're working onthemselves, and then they stop
when they don't feel like it.
And then you get on them andyou're like I thought you were
(21:39):
working on this, or I thoughtyou weren't going to eat that
because you were trying to workon your weight, or I thought you
weren't going to spend thatmoney because you're working on
saving.
You're pretty much ripping theblanket off of all of their
insecurities.
It's like they issues is you'renot.
(22:00):
You are their partner.
You're not their therapist, andI will repeat that you are
their partner.
You are not their therapist.
It's very, very supportive tolisten to what your partner is
going through, but when it comesto a fix-it plan, you need to
have an outside entity.
You need to have someone elsethat is going to hold them
(22:22):
accountable for their goals, sothat it doesn't interrupt the
intimacy and the connection thatyou have in that relationship.
Because, say, if they're goingthrough something, as they're
working on something, and theywant to just talk about it, but
they don't want to talk about itwith the same person, like, if
I'm trying to lose weight andI'm really struggling with a
certain area and I want to justsit and have a piece of cake, I
don't want to have a piece ofcake with somebody that's
coaching me to lose the weight.
(22:43):
Like that's not comfortable.
Now I'm going to be feelinginsecure about, like, putting
stuff on my dinner plate becauseI feel like they're going to be
watching me.
Like, let let them have a.
That's what my my ex said.
We got a coach for him.
We got an outside entity like aworkout plan or something.
Go, hold yourself accountablewith that workout plan, with
that coach, with that separateperson, not me.
Like it's not, don't, let it beyou, okay.
(23:07):
So, yes, listen to them.
But when your partner has deeprooted insecurities, past trauma
, unresolved issues, childhoodtrauma, all the things they need
a professional, like when Ineeded help with dating,
obviously I'm not going to go towell.
Obviously I can't go tosomebody.
Well, okay, when I had theissue with self-love at the
beginning of the year and I waslike this is something that I
(23:27):
really need to work on.
I don't need to project that onanyone that I'm dating, and
it's like, hey, I'm trying tolove myself, can you help me
love myself?
No, I hired someone, and Italked to you about the program
that I'm currently enrolled in.
I invested and hired someone tohelp me, because I don't want
to project my insecurities on apartner and feel like they're
going to be like well, what canI do?
What can I do?
It's not their job, it's notyour partner or anyone that
(23:50):
you're dating.
It's not your companion's jobto fix you.
And so the next reason that youdon't want to take on your
partner's issues is you deserveemotional space too.
Your emotions, your needs andyour wellbeing matters just as
much as theirs.
But a lot of times, if you'recomparing your situation, you're
like well, I'm better in thisarea.
You're going to tend to putyour needs on the back burner,
(24:11):
because if you're feeling, ifyour partner is really jealous
and insecure, you're going to begiving them extra attention,
extra validation, extra love sothat they can feel secure and
you're going to get burnt outbecause you're going to be like
I'm giving this, I'm giving this, I'm giving this and they're
still jealous, they're stillinsecure because you're going to
be neglecting your own peaceand feeling like, in order for
my partner to feel secure, Ineed to be pouring into them.
(24:34):
And so the next reason istaking on their insecurities
creates resentment.
This happened with me a lot oftimes where you know if I was, I
was constantly absorbing mypartner's fears, my partner's
doubts, my start, my partner'sanxieties, my partner's issues,
and I started to feel drainedand unappreciated because it
(24:55):
started to felt like it wasexpected, like I was just
expected to keep taking oneverything that was going on
with them and I didn't even havetime to deal with what was
going on with me.
So I felt burnt out, I feltfrustrated, I felt disconnected
because I felt like every singletime I was talking to them, I
was going to have a conversation, it was going to end up with me
pouring into them and I'mgetting depleted.
It can, because they'll startto get used to it.
(25:17):
When you're that person that'spouring into them, they'll get
used to it in a way where it'slike in the beginning they may
be super grateful, right, butthen over time it's like of
course you're going to take careof my issues, of course you're
going to save me, and it's likeit's not sustainable long-term.
If this is like a short-termthing, like a one-time thing,
yeah, but if they're going to beexpecting it over time, they're
(25:37):
going to start to loseappreciation and you're going to
feel devalued, you're going tofeel burnt out, you're going to
feel resentful and if you everstop doing whatever it is, it's
really going to be an issue.
That's the thing.
You have to be able to sustainit and keep it going, because if
you stop providing that support, they're almost going to treat
you differently because you'renot providing that level of
(25:57):
support and what you're doing is.
The next reason is your partnermust learn how to self-soothe
and manage their own emotions.
I'm going to repeat that yourpartner needs to self-soothe and
manage their own emotions.
One of the biggest lessons inPMDD is understanding that your
partner's emotions are not yourresponsibility to manage.
(26:18):
Your partner's emotions andfeelings and moods is not your
responsibility to manage.
If they expect you to fix everytime that they have a mood and
this is for the partner that hasPMDD and that doesn't.
They were never going toself-soothe.
They're never going to regulatethemselves.
They're going to put everythingon you to make them feel better
, and so they're never going tolearn how to self-soothe.
They're never going to regulatethemselves.
They're going to put everythingon you to make them feel better
(26:39):
, and so they're never going tolearn how to self-soothe.
Where?
If you're in PMDD and you'rewanting to take some space and
time to yourself because you'restruggling with your symptoms,
you're never going to be able todo it because your partner is
going to be right there, but Ifeel lonely and I need attention
and I need affection and I needvalidation, and you're going to
be like well, is there anythingelse that you can do while I'm
struggling over here?
And they're going to be like no.
The next reason is boundariesare healthy.
(27:03):
They're not hurtful.
So this is how you can set aboundary, because I had to do
this before too, where I knewthat my partner was expecting me
to help in a certain area and Ijust didn't have it in me
sometimes and I would say I loveyou, but I can't take this one
on for you.
I love you, I care about you,but I could not take this one on
(27:25):
for you, like I don't have thecapacity right now.
And it's not abandoning them,it's setting a boundary.
But I know how you can feellike if I don't meet their needs
, I'm abandoning them.
No, if you're alreadyemotionally overwhelmed and
exhausted and you're depletingyourself, you're going to be
remembering why you're depletedand that's where the bitterness,
the resentment and theunforgiveness is going to come
(27:46):
from.
This is why you're going to beable to think to yourself that
my partner's the enemy.
They're stealing my peacebecause they're not allowing you
to have peace, because you'renot setting that boundary.
So it's actually on you to setthat boundary and say listen,
say it lovingly.
You don't have to say like Ican't deal with this right now.
You know I'm in PMDD or you'rein PMDD, I can't deal with your
emotions right now.
Just say I love you, I careabout you.
I can't take this one on Like Ijust need to regulate my own
(28:07):
emotions right now.
And the next reason issupporting your partner
shouldn't mean that you'relosing yourself.
If there are things that yougenuinely love doing, that you
find joy, you find peace indoing, then you don't stop doing
those things just becauseyou're with your partner because
(28:27):
you are going to resent them.
So loving someone with PMDD orbeing in a PMDD relationship
does not mean that you'reabsorbing your partner's pain
every single month.
It doesn't mean that it's yourjob to fix their insecurity.
It doesn't mean that you'reabsorbing your partner's pain
every single month.
It doesn't mean that it's yourjob to fix their insecurity.
It doesn't mean that you'retaking the blame for their
emotions and their moods and theway that they've been triggered
.
That's not what the requirementis.
You're not being a bad PMDDpartner If you're doing things
(28:50):
that genuinely bring you joy.
Some partners you're kind of ina codependent relationship.
If you feel like you can't behappy if your partner's not
happy and I'm going to say thatwith love, because I've been in
relationships like that whereit's like I'm actually in a
really good place, I'm actuallyfeeling really good about myself
and my partner's feeling likecrap and I almost feel like I
(29:10):
can't even celebrate certainwins that I was having or I
can't even celebrate things thatI have going on because they're
in a bad place.
So what I want to let you knowout of this whole episode is you
could support your PMDD partner, whether it's the partner that
has PMDD or the partner thatdoesn't, without losing yourself
(29:32):
.
So ask yourself that questionright now Am I losing myself by
trying to support my partner?
This is a very simple questionto ask, to see if you're falling
in this category.
Am I losing myself while tryingto support my partner?
And if the answer is yes,that's okay, because I've been
there where I've had to like,been like, hey, this is actually
(29:52):
a me thing, like I actually putmyself in this situation and
what you can do is provide themwith support.
Provide them with support in away that is, remember, get an
outside entity with whateverarea of their life that they're
trying to work on.
That is providing issues inyour PMDD relationships.
If they're having issues withfinances, get a financial
counselor, get someone, investin someone that can help you.
(30:16):
So this is one of the reasonswhy I created the PMDD Power
Couples membership.
It's a group counselingmembership where, whatever you
have going on in your PMDDrelationship, you're going to be
able to meet with me on aweekly basis and be able to get
those questions, answers anddeal with it and not be
depending on your partner.
You can come on there, yourpartner can come on there.
If that's something that youknow that you need help with and
(30:38):
you know that you would ratherwhich a lot of my private
clients say I would rather talkabout this issue with Dr Rose
than for us to talk about itjust the two of us, because
we're going to be going at it,we're going to be blaming, we're
going to be criticizing, we'regoing to be getting defensive
and it's not going to be healthy.
If this is something that youknow that you need help with, go
to inlovewithpmddcom.
The membership is in the shownotes.
We are going to be launchingthis month the PMDD Power
(31:00):
Couples, and this is going to bea great way for you to take all
of the issues that you have inyour PMDD relationship and have
someone else deal with them.
For you that you're not theperson, so you don't get burnt
out and you have that level ofaccountability where you can say
, hey, we don't need to argueabout this right now, let's wait
until we go into the PMDD powercouples and we'll talk about it
in there.
So until next time we got this,love you.
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