February 19, 2025 • 62 mins
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What if your self-worth is the key to unlocking happier and healthier relationships, especially if you're dealing with the emotional whirlwind of PMDD?" Join me on a deeply personal journey as I unravel the knots of low self-worth, a struggle that has been all too familiar in my relationships. Through candid reflections and shared experiences, we explore the detrimental impact of accepting less than we deserve, and how this pattern of behavior roots itself in unresolved childhood issues. This episode sheds light on the necessity of reparenting oneself and the courage it takes to navigate and break free from these cycles.
Together, we tackle the emotional complexities of foster care, adoption, and the concept of chosen family. Drawing from my own life, I reflect on how trauma responses, like the instinct to forgive and forget, have affected my intimate relationships and shaped my understanding of love and attachment. The narrative underscores the importance of meaningful connections, emphasizing that true family can be those we choose, not just those we are born into. By valuing ourselves, we pave the way for more fulfilling and respectful relationships, creating a support system that transcends biological ties.
But the journey doesn't stop there. For those in PMDD relationships, the stakes are even higher. We'll discuss how this disorder can cloud the perception of self-worth and make it easy to fall into patterns of over-apologizing and self-blame. Listen as I share insights on setting boundaries and the critical role communication plays in sustaining a partnership through PMDD's challenges. With a focus on empowerment, this episode promises tools and perspective shifts to foster a healthier relationship dynamic, urging couples to collaborate rather than place blame.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk to you about one of my golden
rules I have with all of myclients and the PMDD
relationships, and that is youshould not you should definitely
not be in a PMDD relationshipor be dating if you do not have
self-worth.
So one of the things thatreally causes a lot of damage
(00:22):
when you do not have self-worthin your relationship is you
begin to accept a lot of thethings that you do not deserve
and you wonder why you're inthis situation where you're
suffering and it is becauseyou're feeling like what you're
contributing to the relationship, the behavior that you've been
accepting, is less than what youdeserve and you really get
(00:43):
really bitter and resentful.
And I know because I've been inthis situation so many times
where I really accepted a lot ofthings that I did not deserve.
And as I'm going on thisjourney myself and it's been
about 15 months since thebreakup and I've been on this
journey of really thinking abouteverything that I went through
in the previous relationship Ireally started to ask myself who
(01:04):
let that I went through in theprevious relationship.
I really started to ask myselfwho let that version of me in
where they would be acceptingthat kind of treatment, because
who I am today I know for surewouldn't have accepted a lot of
the treatment that happened, andnot just in my past
relationships, but a lot of myrelationships.
And I began to ask myself whatwas the common denominator in
(01:25):
all of those relationships whereI felt like I was accepting
less than what I deserved, andthat was my self-worth.
My self-worth literally startedto dwindle in a lot of those
relationships and that's why thebehaviors that I was accepting
it was showing up where I wasn'thappy, but I also wasn't
letting myself out of thoserelationships.
And so I want to really talk toyou about this today, because,
(01:47):
as I was talking to my clientsand I was really saying, you
know, if you're going to be in aPMDD relationship, if you're
going to be dating with PMDD,you need to have self-worth and
you need to always be checkingin with yourself, with making
sure that it's still intact,because a lot of times you don't
really recognize and noticewhen that self-worth starts to
(02:07):
go away.
But as I'm coming, like I'm onthe outside looking in, I'm
looking back on my relationshipand I'm like wow, like it took
someone else to mention it to me, and I was really shocked
because when they said, oh, youhave an issue with your
self-worth, I was like me no,because the ego came in and the
ego was like, oh, you have anissue with your self-worth.
I was like me, no, because theego came in and the ego was like
(02:28):
you don't have an issue withyour self-worth, like you're
fine.
And it started to list out allof these accolades in my life,
like you finish your doctoratedegree and you have an amazing
daughter and you have thesecareers and you're helping all
these people.
And what I want to let you knowis it doesn't matter where you
are in your life, what kind ofaccolades you have, what you
(02:49):
have accomplished.
When you have low self-worth,it literally impacts every other
area of your life.
You almost don't feel that goodabout yourself, about your
accomplishments, if yourself-worth is pretty much in the
trash.
And what I noticed is that whenI was recognizing that I had low
self-worth, it made sense ofwhy I was holding on to things
(03:12):
that weren't really serving me,that weren't really making me
happy, and I wasn't holding onto things because I genuinely
wanted them.
There was a sense of fear ofletting them go.
In the relationship, there wasa sense of fear of letting these
relationships go.
And I saw this pattern withinmyself and I said you know, what
am I really holding on to?
Because I had to really digdeep on this self-worth journey
(03:34):
and it's different for everybody, because I've worked with a lot
of private clients in theirself-worth journey and I really
have to dig deep and say what isit that you're really holding
on to?
To where you're feeling like Ineed to accept this person, even
though they're verbally abusingme, even though they're
physically abusing me, even ifthey're not treating me well,
(03:54):
even if I'm not getting my needsmet.
Why am I specifically holdingon to this person?
And for me it took me right backto my childhood.
So many things stem from yourchildhood and I remember looking
at this journey that a lot ofpeople are on and even a lot of
my private clients have othercounselors, therapists,
psychologists that they'reworking with on reparenting
(04:15):
themselves.
And I remember thinking tomyself like why would you need
to reparent yourself?
Like it took me a minute toreally think about that and to
really dive deep of why you haveto go back so many times.
Because I feel like I've healedmy childhood trauma so many
times within my lifestyle thatwhen it gets to the point where
I have, when it comes up again,I noticed for me there's a lot
(04:36):
of bitterness and resentmentthat I'm still on this journey.
You can kind of, if you've beenworking on a certain area of
your life, you can kind of getto a point where you're like I
should be over this or thisshouldn't still bother me or
this shouldn't still keep comingup.
But every relationship literallyexposes another version of what
is inside of you.
So the first thing I want tosay is let go of the pride, let
(04:58):
go of the ego that's telling youthat you don't have a
self-worth journey.
I want to prime your mind forthis, because if you're in the
mindset that you don't haveanything wrong with your
self-worth, then you won't healit.
And that was the biggest thingfor me is that I was at a point
where I was like I could denythis.
I had a choice when Irecognized that someone was like
I really think you know,because I was getting mentored
(05:21):
and coached on dating and I wasin these dating situations and
they were like yeah, you have anissue with your self-worth
because you're accepting wayless than what you deserve and
your standards are really,really low for what it is that
you're providing in therelationships and I'm just like
taking it and taking it andtaking it.
So what I could have done inthat situation is I could have
(05:43):
denied it and be like you don'tknow what you're talking about.
I'm completely fine, I havehigh self-worth, I'm a high
value woman all of these thingsthat I could have been in the
ego and listed out all of thesethings.
But there would have been nohealing, there would have been
no learning, there would havebeen no growing, there would
have been no changes if I wasn'twilling to accept the fact that
, yeah, I do have a self-worthissue.
(06:05):
You know how they say, like whenyou go to AA, like acceptance
is like the first step.
That was the first step for meand it was really hard because I
work on so many areas of mylife as an individual, as all of
the roles that I hold as a momand as a counselor, and as, like
all of the other roles that Ihave in my life a friend, you
(06:28):
know even dating and a partnerand I just hold myself at a very
high standard and I work onmyself every single day, if you
follow me on Instagram, I'm veryintentional about how I spend
my time.
I truly believe that time isone of your biggest forms of
currency Peace peace is myhighest form of currency,
meaning I value peace above alot of other things.
(06:50):
And so I'm like, if I'm workingon myself in so many other
areas, how is it that I have lowself-worth?
And it took me back to mychildhood and I was like, okay,
I had to really list out a lotof the things that I was
accepting, because what I wasaccepting in my past
relationships I would start toaccepting, to accept in dating.
(07:12):
And it is a dangerous place tobe to have low self-worth.
You will find yourself insituations and you ask yourself
how did I get here?
How did I get here?
That's what I was asking myselfin a lot of these dating
situations, because when you gono contact or you disconnect for
the person, or the infatuationwears off or the attraction
wears off, then you get to seethe person for who they really
(07:34):
are.
Then you get to see thesituation for what it really is
and then you're shocked Like howmany times have you been like
that in your relationship, whereyou look back at things that
you've accepted in the past andbe like I can't believe I
accepted this kind of behavior.
No one would believe that Iaccepted this kind of behavior.
That was the case for me.
(07:55):
When I told my friends a lot ofthe behavior that I was
accepting in these relationships.
They couldn't believe it.
They were like you, you put upwith that Like I would have
thought you would have left wayearlier.
I would have thought that youwould have left so much earlier,
even with dating someone.
And I'm like no, for somereason, when I was dating, I was
(08:15):
noticing that they were givingme breadcrumbs or they were
gaslighting me or they weredoing all these things.
But there was something in methat was accepting it and it was
kind of like oh, let me trythis again or let me just work
on this, or I was alwaysinternalizing it and choosing to
work on myself instead ofrecognizing that this person
doesn't deserve me.
(08:36):
And that was so hard for mebecause when I was working with
the individual that I ended upworking with for my lack of
self-worth, they said why is itso hard for you to tell someone
that they cannot have access toyou if they genuinely don't
deserve you.
Why is it so hard for you tolet them know that they're not
(08:59):
going to have you in their life,not because they're a bad
person, but because they justdon't deserve what you're
bringing to the table?
No one has to earn anythingthat you're giving them.
You're just freely giving allof yourself to these individuals
that do not deserve you.
And then, when they show youthat they do not deserve you by
treating you horribly, you havean issue with walking away, and
(09:21):
I was like I really do, becauseI really start to make excuses
for them and say, oh well, maybeit's because of this, you know,
I will even reference theirchildhood.
Oh, they had a bad relationshipor they had a bad childhood,
and I'll start mentioning all ofthese things.
And I'm not and I was puttingmyself on the back burner, like
I've gone through childhoodtrauma and that's what it really
(09:41):
led me to.
So, for those of you who don'tknow my story, and that's what
it really led me to.
So for those of you who don'tknow my story, I was in foster
care at the age of three.
I was adopted at the age offive.
A lot of what happened with mybiological parents was a lot of
drugs, alcohol abuse, prisonsall of these things.
I was totally abandoned.
But when I got adopted into myfamily my adopted family I had
(10:06):
an open adoption and what thatmeant was I still was able to
communicate with my biologicalfamily, and so for years of my
childhood they would promise meoh, we're going to pick you up,
oh, we're going to do this, oroh, we're going to spend this
time together, I'm going to giveyou this.
They would promise me the worldand deliver nothing.
(10:27):
They were almost bred from me.
They would give me a little bitof something like, say, if they
said that they were going topick me up, I mean, we're going
to go and have this really funtime.
They wouldn't pick me up, butthen they would call me days
later and act like nothinghappened, the gaslighting right.
And this is.
(10:47):
I was a child.
So what I really learned in myformative years, where you're
supposed to be learning aboutrelationships, learning about
love, getting those secureattachments, is that people can
say things and they not reallydeliver them, like they don't
deliver on the things that theypromise.
And my role that I took on waslet me just love them a little
more, let me make excuses forthem, because in my mind, if I
(11:11):
didn't make excuses for them, ifI completely just held them
accountable for what they did orthey didn't do, I would end up
with no one.
That was my worst fear as achild is that I really look at
my parents for who they are andI will never have a relationship
with them because I willrecognize that they don't
deserve me.
I will recognize that theydon't really love me.
(11:32):
It was a scary thing to thinkthat your biological parent and
family doesn't love you, becauseif your biological parents
don't love you, if the peoplethat brought you into this world
don't love you, then how isanyone else in the world
supposed to love you?
That was my mind.
So it was.
I made it my job to make it easyfor them to love me
(12:26):
no-transcript here at my adoptedhome.
But when I, when I, connectwith my biological family, it's
going to be so much better.
So I sold myself a dream and Ideveloped this habit of doing
this in relationships, inintimate relationships.
(12:47):
I would sell myself a dream.
When I started to getmistreated, I would say that's
okay, because it's going to getbetter.
I just need to love them more.
I just need to make moreexcuses for them, I just need to
forgive them, and so I couldforgive people very, very well.
Forgiving is almost a traumaresponse for me, because you
know how they say forgive andforget.
I literally forget what theperson does, not because I don't
(13:09):
really remember it, but becauseI force myself to forget.
Because if I remember everysingle thing that they do, then
I know that they can't be in mylife.
When I get to the point where Iam forgiving you but I'm
remembering every single thingthat you do, something within me
doesn't allow you to stay in mylife.
And I know that about mebecause when it's gotten to the
point where I've disconnectedfrom certain relationships that
(13:31):
were not good for me, that'sliterally what happened.
I got to a point where I was nolonger able to forget every
single thing that they had doneto me and therefore I accepted
this person can't be in my life.
Because if I look at thebehavior that someone does, if
someone's yelling and cursing atme, then I have to face the
(13:52):
fact that this is a characterthing.
They're going to yell and curseat me and I can't have them in
my life and so I have to letthem go.
And I try so hard inrelationships not to get to that
point where I have to let thatperson go.
So, in order to not let them go, I just forget.
I forgive and forget, I forgiveand forget, I forgive and
(14:12):
forget.
And what happens when you dothat so often, you're ignoring
your reality.
You're disassociating from whothis person really is.
Who they're showing you theyreally are, who they're showing
you that they're capable ofbeing in your life, is who
they're showing you they reallyare, who they're showing you
that they're capable of being inyour life.
And then it gets reallydangerous because they begin to
believe because this is whatyou've shown them that, wow, I
(14:34):
can talk to her like this andwake up the next day and she's
just going to be open and loving.
I can treat her like this andshe's still going to smile when
we go out and act likeeverything's great.
And I was doing that.
I was doing it for the sake ofnumber one keeping the peace in
my relationship, because Ididn't want to have my PMDD
symptoms worse, but then also sothat I could hold on to the
(14:54):
relationship, and so when I'mdating I have it's easier for me
to let people go.
It's easier for me to cutpeople off that are not good for
me.
But when I'm in marriages andI've been in two marriages in my
life, one in my twenties, onein my thirties it's so hard for
me to let go of a marriagebecause I value family and I
(15:16):
don't value family because Igrew up having a good family.
I just told you I had a lot ofchildhood trauma.
I had an abusive biologicalparents and also adopted parents
.
I value family, not because Ihave a good family, but because
it's just a character, a traitof mine.
I value family.
I think it's one of the mostbeautiful things.
(15:37):
I think that's one of the mostspecial bonds, and I've gotten
to this point in my life where Ihave a chosen family.
I have family meaning.
I have friends that are like myfamily.
I have people that I'm choosingto be in my life and they've
become my family and I valuethem.
So let's talk about this today,of why I really believe that
(16:00):
having a lack of self-worth isso damaging in your PMDD
relationship and the basis ofthis.
When it got back to mychildhood and I was digging on
this journey, I said to myselfthe reason why it's so hard for
me to let go of a marriagerelationship that's really not
healthy for me.
It's because I genuinelybelieve if I let this person go,
(16:23):
I'm going to have no one there.
There's a lot of this scarcitymindset and that can happen with
you, because I know it'shappened with a lot of my
private clients.
They almost feel like if I'mnot with this person, then I'm
not gonna be with anyone.
This is my one and only person.
This is the only relationshipthat I will ever have.
I will never be happy again.
So I need to take all of thismistreatment because if I don't
(16:45):
take this, then I'm going to bealone and I don't want to be
alone.
So I continuously take abuse andfor me, if someone is operating
in a realm that you don't likein your PMDD relationship, I'm
not saying throw therelationship away.
You know, if I'm your counselor, if you're my private client,
you know that's not what I do.
What I do do is address thebehaviors that are triggering
(17:09):
you, address the behaviors thatwe are recognizing that is less
than what you deserve and then,once we do that, we bring it to
your partner's attention orbring it to your attention and
we work on fixing it, or bringit to your attention and we work
on fixing it.
But what I've noticed is whenyou get to this point where
you've been accepting so muchbad behavior, behavior less than
(17:32):
what you deserve from someone,they kind of get used to
treating you like this, and sowhen you try to talk to them
about it and you try to say Ineed you to start talking to me
more nicely, I need you to sayless hurtful words, they may try
to get defensive and criticizeyou and be like well, what about
you?
You're doing this, you're doingthis.
They're not willing to takeaccountability for their actions
(17:54):
and they actually may have nointention of changing because,
guess what, they don't value youanymore.
So this is why self-worth andself-value are so interconnected
, because when someone doesn'tvalue you, you will know it very
, very, very soon, because theywill not fear losing you.
When someone is willing to putyou in a situation where they
(18:16):
can risk losing you and by risklosing you I mean they recognize
that you've been complainingabout things that are going on
in the relationship, they knowthat you're not happy with the
way things are in therelationship and they're not
willing to do anything to changeit.
It's because they don't valueyou, and I know this because
I've dealt with this firsthand.
I've seen partners who value mewhere I bring something up and
(18:39):
I'm like, hey, this reallyconcerns me or this really
bothers me, and because they hada fear of losing me, they
immediately made the change.
They're like, oh, I'm sorry,babe, I won't talk to you like
that, or I'm really really sorryfor whatever it is that I did.
There's no defensiveness.
They're literally admitting toit and they're willing to make
changes and they're willing toget help on the areas that are
(18:59):
causing damage in therelationship, because they value
me, they value my presence inthe relationship, they value the
relationship as a whole.
And when it gets to the pointwhere they don't value you, what
this looks like is thecriticism, is the defensiveness,
is the deflecting.
There's a lot of deflection,meaning I'm telling you that I
have an issue in thisrelationship and, instead of
(19:22):
addressing it and takingaccountability, you're
deflecting it and you're sayingit's because of PMDD.
And you're saying it's becauseof me and you're saying it's
because of my childhood traumaand you're saying it's because
of all of these other thingsthat are going on in the
relationship.
Without taking personalaccountability.
You're not willing to takeaccountability because you don't
value losing me.
(19:43):
So if you're in that situationwith your partner and you're
wondering why they're notchanging and you're wondering
why they're just going monthafter month after month after
month of the same issues and youall are talking about the same
issues and maybe some of you,because I talked to you you've
been DMing me for months almosta year now, saying, dr Rose, I
really wanna work with you butmy partner's not on board.
(20:03):
I really want to work with youbut my partner's not on board.
I really know that the issuesthat we have in our relationship
are because of PMDD, but mypartner is not willing to get
the help.
Every single month it is thesame thing and I always say I'm
here for you.
I am here for you whenever youall are ready, if one of you are
(20:26):
ready.
I work with a lot of privateclients where I'm only working
with one of the partners, eitherthe partner that has PMDD or
the partner that doesn't.
But I can't force your partnerto value you enough to get the
help in that area, meaning wecan work on you and what you're
contributing to the PMDDrelationship.
Your reactions to a lot of thethings that are going on in the
PMDD relationships, which I knowis a lot of the things that you
want to work on.
You say you know I need to workon just not reacting to the
(20:51):
things that my partner is doingand maybe that'll be better.
That used to be me.
I'm like my partner's not goingto change, so I'm just going to
change how I'm reacting to thethings that my partner is doing
and maybe that'll help.
That only sustained me foranother couple of months because
at the end of the day, when youare in a situation where you're
not valuing yourself, wherethere's no self-worth, there's
low self-worth, there's lowself-value, you're going to
(21:14):
begin to get disgusted withyourself because you're
accepting less than what youdeserve.
That's what happened to me.
I was literally disgusted withmyself and I woke up one day
after a certain instancehappened and my partner at the
time was so happy and I was sodisgusted with myself at how low
(21:35):
I had gone, how much I had putmyself on the back burner, how
much I was suffering in silence,and my partner was happy and I
was literally mortified becauseI said this is not.
I said to myself this is notsustainable.
I'm literally pleasing mypartner at the detriment of my
(21:57):
own self-worth, and I didn't saythe word self-worth.
So you know if I'm keep talkingto you about self-worth.
No, I don't believe peoplereally talk to themselves like
that, where they're like I havelow self-worth.
But what I really know, if I'mkeep talking to you about
self-worth, no, I don't believepeople really talk to themselves
like that, where they're like Ihave low self-worth.
But what I really would say isdo you feel good about yourself,
the way that you're showing upin your relationship, the way
that you're being treated?
Do you feel good about yourself?
That's what I was really sayingto myself.
(22:19):
I don't feel good about myself.
I'm looking at how I'm showingup, I'm looking at everything
I'm pouring into my partner andI don't feel good about myself.
I feel like if someone else wasbeing treated like this, if a
really good friend or mydaughter was getting treated
like this, I would tell them torun for the hills.
If a client was getting treatedlike this, I don't tell my
(22:39):
clients to leave.
So that is one of my boundariesis I don't tell you to leave.
If you decide to leave yourrelationship, you decide that on
your own.
I lay everything out for you tomake the decision on your own,
because no one could tell mewhen to leave.
I had to leave any of myrelationships where I was
accepting less than what Ideserve when I was ready.
And when I was ready is when Iwas willing to face reality,
(23:01):
when I got really tired of I gotreally really tired of
pretending that I was happy andwhen I got to the point where I
was recognizing that I had putmyself in a situation where I
almost had to pretend.
I had to pretend that I washappy in a situation because I
(23:24):
had put myself in it and I feltlike I needed to see it through
in it.
And I felt like I needed to seeit through.
I felt like the reason why Iwasn't leaving was not because I
genuinely wanted to be there,was because I felt like you know
what I put myself in thissituation, so I just need to
stick with it because, after all, it's marriage and that was my
biggest thing is I knew that Iwas no longer happy and I don't
(23:48):
believe that you get to thesepoints where you're you're
always happy in yourrelationship, do I believe that
I was no longer happy, and Idon't believe that you get to
these points where you're alwayshappy in your relationship.
Do I believe that you should bemiserable?
No, but I believe that there'smoments in your relationship
where you just go through arough patch and I'm more than
willing to stick it out and gothrough a rough patch.
What I'm not willing to do ishave someone blatantly
disrespect me, devalue me andnot even feel bad about it.
(24:10):
I think that's the worst part.
When there starts to be a lackof remorse, where they stop
feeling bad for treating youhorribly, that's a dangerous
place to be, because that meansthat they're willing to go
beyond that.
When they get reallycomfortable making you
uncomfortable when they see youcrying and they're not affected.
(24:31):
When there's no empathy whichis one of the biggest things
that I teach in my course aboutbeing a supportive PMPD partner
is having empathy it's adangerous place to be where your
partner doesn't really carewhether you're sad or not.
They don't care that you'recrying.
They don't care that you'refrustrated.
They don't care that your PMPDsymptoms are worse.
They don't care that you'resuffering.
They don't care that you'refrustrated.
They don't care that your PMPsymptoms are worse.
(24:52):
They don't care that you'resuffering.
They almost think about that'syour problem, that's not my
problem.
That's a dangerous place to be.
They will take you through theringer.
They will put you through hellwith a smile on their face.
When they recognize that you'rewilling to put up with a lot of
things, they start to lose valuein you.
They don't value someone thatdoesn't value themselves.
That's what I recognized.
I had gotten to a point where Iwas asking myself why am I
(25:16):
requiring my partner to value mewhen I don't even value myself?
At this point, I'm expecting mypartner to treat me better and
I'm not treating me better.
So this is why, when I'mgetting into this realm of
dating, I really believe thatit's dangerous to date with low
self-worth and no value, becauseyou will accept horrible
(25:36):
situations.
I can't even I'm just likegoing back in my memory like you
will accept when peoplerecognize that you don't love
yourself, that you don't valueyourself.
They don't value you and theydefinitely don't love you.
They take advantage of you forwhat it is that you can provide
to them and they don't feel badabout it because they see how
you treat yourself.
When someone sees how you treatyourself, that's showing them
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how they're supposed to treatyou.
A lot of times, when you'redemanding that someone treat you
better and they're not treatingyou better, it's because they
see how you're treating yourselfand they're like, oh why would
I treat you with respect?
You don't even respect yourself.
Why would I, you know, be ifyou're saying to your partner
that you want more intimacy, youwant to be more connected, you
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want to be more loving, you wantto be more open, all of these
things and you don't have a goodrelationship with your own body
, with how you feel in your body.
You're not taking care of yourbody but you're expecting your
partner to.
That's what I recognized with alot of my private clients that
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were coming to me and they weresaying that they were having
intimacy issues and I would say,okay, let's talk through this,
let's work through this.
And a lot of times they werevery uncomfortable with their
body and a lot of how that wasshowing up in the relationship
was they didn't want to getnaked around their partner or
they were like, not comfortablein their clothes.
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They were really insecure withthat certain area and it was
showing up in the bedroombecause they were not willing to
be open with their body, withtheir partner, but they were
expecting to have the intimacythat comes with that.
You know, a lot of times when Ido my P&D partners morning
routine, I like to explain it topeople because it has a lot to
do with being in a relationship.
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It has a lot to do with themost important relationship that
you can ever have and that'sthe relationship with yourself.
Meaning, if I'm going to be ina relationship with someone and
I am going to be intimate, it isvery important for me to have a
good relationship with my ownbody, for me to feel comfortable
in my own skin in order for meto feel open and loving and
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wanting to share my body withsomeone that I value, that I
like, that I love.
I wouldn't feel comfortablesharing my body with someone if
I'm not comfortable with my bodymyself, because then it's like
I'm hiding certain parts ofmyself where I'm not really
comfortable and I'm also lookingfor their validation.
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But I'm also looking for theirvalidation.
If I'm insecure with how I lookand how I feel in my clothes,
then I'm always going to belooking for my partner to
compliment me, to tell me I lookattractive, that I'm desirable,
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and it is not fair to put thaton your partner and they can
feel that.
They can feel that pressurebecause when you get to this
place of desiring and expectingyour partner to appreciate your
body, value your body more thanyou do, then if they stop doing
it, then all of a sudden youdon't feel attractive, you don't
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feel desirable or you willliterally get pissed off at your
partner for not coming on toyou, for not flirting with you,
because you're not secure withyourself and you're putting that
worse of your body in yourpartner.
So you only feel attractivewhen your partner tells you that
you're attractive.
You only feel desirable whenyour partner tells you that
you're desirable.
And when they stop doing thatnot because they don't genuinely
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believe it, but because they'rejust existing You're going to
be.
It's like you're siphoning gas.
You're like I need you to tellme that I'm attractive.
I need you to tell me that I'mpretty.
I need you to tell me that I'mbeautiful.
I need you to tell me that I'mbeautiful.
I need you to do all this andit's because you're not doing it
for yourself.
You have low self-worth inregards to your body and you're
wanting your partner to fillthat part of your cup up.
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And I'm not saying that yourpartner is not supposed to think
that you're desirable.
They're not supposed to thinkthat you're attractive.
Of course they are, but youcan't put the pressure on them
for being the only person thatis showing you that you're, that
you need to be at a point inyour journey where, whether your
partner tells you every singleday that you're beautiful, you
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feel beautiful, because when youput the pressure on them,
they're going to feel it andit's going to become like an
obligatory thing.
It's going to be like oh, Ineed to make sure I tell her
that she's beautiful, or elseit's going to be a problem.
She's going to have an attitudewith me.
Why would you want your partnerdoing something like that for
you?
That is not genuine.
It is not your partner'sresponsibility to validate you
and to build up your self-worth,and so, if you're in this place
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where you're really needing towork on your self-worth, number
one, if you're dating.
I had to take a break withdating when I realized that that
was one of my biggest issuesbecause it was showing up in a
realm of I was valuing I, myself-worth was tied to whether
someone wanted to date me or not, and not just date me, but date
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me long term, date me.
Like you know, I'm big onmarriage, and so if someone was
saying that they wanted to be orthey were dating me, I would
find value in someone telling methat they wanted to be in a
long-term relationship with me,that they had met me and they
were like oh, you have all ofthese amazing qualities, I want
to be with you in a long-termrelationship.
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I'm not even saying marriage,I'm not there yet.
I'm definitely, definitely,definitely not there yet.
Remember, I told you that Iwanted just a companion at this
point in my life.
But I was finding a lot ofvalue in people that told me
that they wanted to be in thislong-term relationship with me,
because I took it as though, wow, they think I'm so amazing that
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they want to be in a long-termrelationship with me.
They're seeing all thesequalities that I have, what I'm
bringing to this relationship,how I make them feel, and they
want to be with me for a longtime.
That was my childhood traumacoming in, because what I was
basically saying is wow, thesepeople are choosing me, they
want to be with me, they want tobe in my life, they want to
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choose me above all of theseother people, and what I really
was coming back to with mychildhood trauma was the fact
that my parents are very mybiological family is very
selfish, in a sense that they doa lot of things in the world.
They do a lot of things thatmeet their needs and they put me
on the back burner, and they'vedone it for years and I've
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always wanted them to choosebeing a parent over meeting
their selfish desires.
I know what it feels like tohave a daughter I have a
daughter who's 15, and I knowthat I have a lot of things that
I desire, but none of thethings that I desire in my life
are above being a mother.
I would never choose to do oneof my passions, even above being
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a mom, if I had to pick andchoose and it's like, hey, you
can do this or you can be a mom,I'm going to be a mom.
I have to sacrifice a lot to bea mom, and that's a maternal
instinct that I have because Ivalue my child.
I value my daughter enough toput her above a lot of my
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desires, and I always wonderedwhy my parents didn't have that
in them and I was internalizingit and think I'm not good enough
.
Things that I desire in mybiological parents.
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They don't have the things thatI desire and deserve.
They don't have them even ifthey really, really wanted them.
Those qualities they don't havethose maternal, paternal
instincts at this point in theirlife.
And I can't sit there and putmy life on hold, waiting for
them to get to a certain point,to where they value me.
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And a lot of you are in thatsituation in your relationship
where you're waiting for yourpartner to value you.
You're waiting for them torecognize how amazing you are.
You're waiting for them todecide that I want this
relationship with this person somuch that I'm willing to make
these changes.
And can I tell you that youcan't force anyone to get to
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that point ever.
They have to want it on theirown.
I've been in relationshipswhere people have recognized how
much they value therelationship and they value me
and they've made the changes.
And I've been in relationshipswhere they've not and they've
literally shown me I have nointentions of changing.
This is who I am.
You either take the breadcrumbsthat I give you or you just
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don't have me and a lot of timesyou can literally accept the
breadcrumbs and have to pretendlike it's cake.
That is the most horrible thingto do, especially if it was
just valentine's day.
And you have these holidayslike Valentine's Day, christmas,
with the matching pajamas, andyou have.
You have all of these thingswhere you can portray yourself
on social media like you havethe best partner ever and you're
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literally not even speaking toone another, you're not intimate
, you're sleeping in separaterooms, and what happens is when
you're in these relationshipswhere you have this low
self-worth and you're acceptingthe bare minimum you're
accepting these breadcrumbs isthat the hard part is you have
to pretend like you're gettingthe whole cake.
You have to pretend like you'regetting the kind of person that
you desire and deserve whenyou're really getting
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breadcrumbs.
And so you're not only lying toeveryone else, but you're lying
to yourself.
And I know because I've beenthere.
I've looked back at pictureswith exes where I'm smiling in
the pictures and everythinglooks great and I know me.
I know me and I could seemyself.
I could see the pain in my eyes, I could see the forced smile.
I could think and go back tothat moment and feel and be like
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you were not happy, like bereal with yourself.
You were not happy.
You were suffering in silenceand you were feeling like you
were doing the right thing, butyou were not happy.
You know, on this journey I'vehad so many private clients who
are on my TikTok or my Instagramand they've literally DM'd me
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and was like you look so happy,like I've been following you for
a couple of years or over ayear and I've never seen you so
happy and I've appreciated thatkind of like confirmation
because I'm genuinely happy.
It's not a forced sense of Ifeel like I should be happy, so
I'm going to pretend like I'mhappy.
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It's kind of like faking untilyou make it.
I no longer am in that placeand I think subconsciously I
felt like I was doing the rightthing by putting myself in those
situations.
So I know a lot of you may feellike you're doing the right
thing by putting yourself in thesituations where you're
pretending like you're happywhen you're really not, Because
(36:25):
it's like what's the alternative?
Be miserable, act like you'remiserable, let everyone know
that you're miserable, feel evenmore miserable because now
everybody knows that you'remiserable.
No, you're just gonna pretendlike you're happy when you're
not.
Here's my thing.
I am all for that.
If you're actively working onit, like, if I'm actively
working on something with apartner, I will be the first one
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.
I have a lot of friends thatwere like be the first one.
I have a lot of friends thatwere like before you got the
divorce, I had no idea that youand your partner weren't happy.
Up until when you told me thatyou were getting the divorce, I
thought you all were happy.
I am all for protecting yourpartner and what I mean by that.
If you're actively working onyour relationship, you don't
have to go around telling yourbusiness and telling everyone
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that you're miserable and oh, Idon't like this about them and
talking crap about your partner.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, if you knowthat you're not working on it
and you know that you're justaccepting behavior that is less
than what you deserve, likeyou're not really happy but
you're pretending like you'rehappy, it's going to be really
hard for you.
You're going to begin to getdisgusted with yourself, like I
(37:31):
was, and so one of the, I'mgoing to talk to you about the
tools of what you can do to workon your self-worth, if any of
this is resonating with youagain.
There is absolutely no shade,because I've been there and not
that long ago and I know a lotof you.
Maybe you look at me on socialmedia or you listen to me on the
podcast and be like I wouldhave never thought that you
(37:52):
would have had low self-worthand it's like.
Low self-worth does not meanthat you're not deserving of
love and that you don't loveyourself.
It means that you don't loveyourself enough to walk away
from situations that are lessthan what you deserve or demand.
That was so hard for me I'vehad to demand in dating.
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You either treat me the waythat I desire and deserve or I'm
out.
I'm not going to convince you,I'm not going to force you.
I'm not going to do circustricks to prove to you why you
should treat me the way that Idesire and deserve.
Either you see my value andyou're willing to treat me the
way I desire and deserve, or youdon't, because if you have to
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convince someone to treat youthe way you desire and deserve,
they're only going to do it fora short period of time to keep
you around, and then eventuallyit's going to wear off.
It's not sustainable becauseyou're always going to have to
do circus tricks.
You're always going to have tonag them.
You're always going to have tobeg them.
You're always going to have tobeg them.
You're always going to have tobring it to their attention of
why they should treat you theway you desire and deserve.
And you're going to get tired.
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It's going to be exhausting andas soon as you stop doing it,
they're going to go back totheir regularly scheduled
program, which is treating youless than how you desire and
deserve, point blank period.
You know a lot of people that Ihave looked back on, that I've
dated and I've been inrelationships that have treated
me the way that I really desireand deserve.
I've not had to teach them.
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They've seen the value in meand they've just been that way.
They've been treated me withrespect.
They haven't raised their voicewith me.
They've gotten to the pointwhere I've triggered them or
obviously like it's not, likethey're living in la la land,
but they handled it in a waythat was so respectful, like I
had one of my exes literallytell me I love you too much or I
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care about.
I love and care about you toomuch to stay in this
conversation, because I knowwhat I'm feeling right now and I
could potentially disrespectyou, so I'm going to walk away.
Not, I'm feeling right now andI could potentially disrespect
you, so I'm going to walk away.
Not, I'm triggered, I'm pissedoff.
I'm going to talk to youhowever I want to, and you're
just going to have to take itbecause I'm pissed off in the
moment.
I'm not saying that your partneris never allowed to have an
(40:00):
emotional reaction towards you,but they need to have some kind
of filter, meaning if it becomesescalated in a way that they're
about to disrespect you,they're willing to walk away.
They're willing to pull awayuntil they can regulate
themselves and talk to you in away that you desire and deserve.
I always use this thing with myprivate clients and say think
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about someone that you reallyrespect, and a lot of times it's
your children.
You care, and what I mean byrespect is you care how they
look at you, how they see you,how they view you, and ask
yourself this question whenyou're thinking about talking to
your partner about somethingthat you're really frustrated
with or you're triggered about,would you talk that way to your
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partner while your daughter oryour son is sitting in the room,
meaning whatever you're aboutto say to them.
Think of your child sitting inthe room.
Would you yell at them?
If you're trying to justify theway someone, if someone's
trying to justify the way thatthey treated you and belittle it
and minimize it like it's notthat bad, okay, okay, it's not
(41:03):
that bad If you don't have kids,put your parents in the room,
put somebody that you respect.
Put your parents in the room,put somebody that you respect,
put your boss in the room, putyour best friends in the room
and ask your partner thisquestion If these people that
you respect were in the room andyou were talking to me like
this, would you still do it?
Or would you regulate yourselfand or walk away?
Would you treat me the way youtreat me in private, in public,
(41:25):
in front of everybody?
Would you give me the silenttreatment?
Would public, in front ofeverybody?
Would you give me the silenttreatment?
Would you ignore me?
Would you give me the coldshoulder?
Would you argue with me in away that is demeaning?
Would you do this in front ofall of these people that we're
parading ourselves around, thatthey're this big, happy couple?
And if the answer's no, then youknow that you need to fix the
way that you're treating me.
This is a simple way tounderstand if your partner is
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treating you less than what youdesire and deserve.
So when you're looking at thisbarrier of self-worth, it means
the way that your partner treatsyou in private should not be
drastically different to howthey treat you in public.
If they're treating you inpublic with respect because they
care about you how it's viewedto everybody else, if they treat
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you with respect and they lowertheir voice, they talk to you
in a calm tone when they'refrustrated in front of you know
the kids but then in privatethey're yelling and cursing at
you or they're throwing thingsor they're saying all these
things.
No, that's how you know you'regetting treated less than what
you desire and deserve, becausewhat they're showing you is I
have the capability to treat youthe way that you desire and
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deserve and show you that Ivalue you in front of other
people.
I just don't value youspecifically enough to control
myself, and that's a hard pillto swallow, because I had to
think about that.
I'm like when I was in thisjourney of getting rid earlier,
my journey of getting rid of myPMDD rage, which took me a while
journey of getting rid of myPMDD rage, which took me a while
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.
I recognize I can control myPMDD rage because I've done it
in so many other circumstances.
We've been out with family andfriends and my partner used to
trigger me.
I didn't go off on them, Ididn't say mean things, I didn't
give them the culture I didn'tdo that.
I still act loving.
So that showed me I was valuingthe people that were around us
more than I was valuing my ownpartner.
I didn't respect and value mypartner enough to give them the
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same level of treatment that Iwas giving in front of everybody
else.
So that's how you know yourvalue for your partner can be
going down.
Is that you're starting to justbe very loose with how you
treat them.
Very, it is what it is.
They get me, however.
They get me I'm in PMDD.
You start bringing up all thesethings.
So let's go over 10 signs thatyour self-worth may be suffering
(43:42):
in your PMDD relationship,because I want you to be real
with yourself.
I want you to be honest withyourself.
If you reckon let the ego go.
Remember how I talked to youearlier in the episode.
I had to let my ego go.
I had to let go of the notionthat, oh, this is not me Like,
and even if the self-worth word,or you know the phrase, is just
(44:03):
triggering for you, whereyou're like, I don't feel like I
have self worth.
Use another phrase.
Like I said, do you feel goodabout yourself?
Okay, so the first sign thatyour self-worth is suffering in
your PMDD relationship is yourely on your partner to define
your worth.
You feel only lovable when yourpartner reassures you.
You feel really, really badabout yourself unless your
(44:25):
partner's telling you thatyou're great, unless your
partner's telling you that theyappreciate you.
And so what this really lookslike because I want to give you
and you question your value whenyour partner goes into PMDD,
and so your partner'soverwhelmed with PMDD and not
showing affection, and insteadof you recognizing that them not
(44:48):
showing affection haseverything to do with them and
nothing to do with you, youstart asking yourself did I do
something wrong?
Am I not enough?
Are they not showing meaffection because they're not
attracted to me?
Are they not showing meaffection because they're not
attracted to me?
Are they not showing meaffection because they don't
like me?
I've heard this so many timeswhere, when your partner gets
distant in their luteal phasethat you start to think that
there's something wrong with youas the partner, that they don't
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really like you, they don'tvalue you, they don't want to be
in a relationship with you,instead of recognizing that
they're just stressed andoverwhelmed because they're
suffering with PMDD symptoms.
So this is how you know thatyour self-worth is suffering in
the PMDD relationship as thepartner, because you're in that
situation where every singletime your partner acts
differently towards you.
You think it's a reflection ofyou and who you are and what you
(45:33):
bring to the table and yourvalue.
And the next sign that yourself-worth is suffering in your
PMDD relationship is that you'reover apologizing, even when
you're not at fault.
You take all the blame forevery conflict that you have in
the relationship to avoidupsetting your partner.
Every single time something badhappens in the relationship,
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you're like, oh, that was on me,that was my fault, and I'm all
about forgiving and asking forforgiveness.
But if you're not wrong, you'renot wrong.
And a lot of times you'reapologizing because you know
that your partner won't.
You're wanting to get.
You want to get the peace backin your relationship.
So you're over apologizing evenwhen it's not your fault and you
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feel guilty for even havingneeds or expressing your own
emotions because you're makingit all about them.
You're saying like I know theylashed out because of PMDD, but
maybe it's because I triggered.
I should just apologize to them.
So what you're really saying isyour partner went off on you on
PMDD rage and instead ofholding them accountable for how
they treated you, you're sayingoh, it's because of me.
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I must have triggered them.
I must have done somethingwrong.
I should just go and apologizeto them.
You're literally apologizing toyour partner for them doing
something disrespectful to you.
Your self-worth is going downas you're over apologizing.
Every single time that you dothis, you're putting your needs
on the back burner and saying mypartner is more important than
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me.
The back burner and saying mypartner is more important than
me.
I'm willing to take this levelof abuse and blame it on PMDD
and say oh, I know that theycouldn't control themselves.
I know that they just had totalk to me like that because
they're suffering in PMDD.
I told you that's not true.
If your partner can't controltheir emotions in PMDD, they
need to be doing something tomanage it and by managing, they
need to be getting help.
This is why I work with myprivate clients, because it is
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hard, but it is something thatyou're going to have to work on,
but it is possible.
I'm never going to tell you thatbecause you're in a PMDD
relationship that you need to beaccepting verbal and physical
abuse and there's nothing thatyou can do about it.
Are there going to be timeswhere your partner who has PMDD
is very overwhelmed?
Absolutely, I still get veryoverwhelmed.
I still get triggered, I stillhave to use my own tools.
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But I will not put myself in asituation where I'm going to
verbally and physically abusesomeone because I'm in PMDD and
act like there's nothing that Ican do about it.
And I understand if you'recoming and you're meeting me
earlier on your journey, I gethow you could think that I used
to think that Early, early,early in my journey, I've
suffered with PNPD for over 19years.
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Early in my journey, before Ideveloped tools, before I had
tools, I literally thought Ican't control it.
So the next time that yourself-worth is suffering is you
walk on eggshells to avoidconflict Partners.
You suppress your true feelingsout of fear that they'll get
upset.
When I wrote my dissertation formy doctorate in PMDD, I only
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interviewed, initially, partners, hundreds, hundreds and
hundreds of partners from allover the world, because I wanted
to make sure culture wasn't athing, age wasn't a thing.
All different ages, alldifferent backgrounds, all
different races, all differentraces.
They all said the same thingsthat they were walking on
eggshells to avoid upsettingtheir PMDD partner.
They didn't like the version oftheir partner when they got
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into PMDD.
How angry they got, how madthey got, how bitter they got,
the nasty things that came outof their mouth.
It was so out of character, itscared them.
There was so much fear and alot of the phrases they were
saying is.
I won't bring up how I feelbecause they're already dealing
with PMDD.
I should just deal with myemotions myself.
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They didn't set any boundarieswith how they were getting
treated because they didn't wantto seem like they were too much
, like they weren't able tohandle you in PMDD.
So they almost felt like,unless they were willing to put
up with this, they were notgoing to be able to be with you
and they love you and they adoreyou.
So it's almost like if I wantto be with this person, I have
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to accept this abuse and that'show you know your self-worth is
suffering.
The next sign is you toleratedisrespect or hurtful behavior.
You excuse mistreatment becauseof PMDD, even when it's
repetitive.
Every single month.
Your partner is talking to younasty.
Every single month, they gointo PMDD, they're shutting down
on you, they're getting distant, they're not meeting your needs
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, they're acting bitter, they'reacting resentful and you don't
speak up, even when yourpartner's words hurt you and
you're saying things like theyyelled at me again.
But it's just the PMDD talking.
I just shouldn't take itpersonally.
How many of you who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder
has told your partner you needto stop taking it personally.
Again, I've interviewed a lotof the PMDD sufferers and that
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is one of the commonalities andI've even heard my private
clients say it on sessions andI'm like no, that's not a thing.
I'm not going to help yourpartner accept verbal abuse
better so that your relationshipcan be better.
I'm going to help you manageyour PMDD rage, your PMDD
triggers, so that you don'ttreat your partner like this
(50:38):
anymore.
I'm not going to condition yourpartner to accept abuse in the
luteal phase.
That's not what I'm here forand so many times that is the
misconception when it comes toworking with me.
They're like Dr Rose, you knowhow it is, so they just need to
not take it personally.
Do not think that I'm going tobe on your side with abusing
your PMDD partner.
You shouldn't even want me tobe.
You shouldn't even want me tobe.
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You shouldn't want someonethat's on your side at the cost
of your partner, who you loveand adore and care about.
Like, really think about that.
If I love and care about mypartner and I went to a
counselor and that counselorshowed me how to abuse them
better, how to talk to them likecrap and they just not take it
personally, how to not allow meto grow, how to not give me
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tools to grow but just get themto a place where they're
desensitized to my abuse.
If they're not holding meaccountable for how I'm treating
my partner, I do not want towork with them Because that's
the ego.
If you want to work with peoplethat are only telling you the
things that you want to hear,that's your ego, because your
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ego wants to tell you thatyou're not wrong.
You're the victim.
You're suffering in PMDD andeverybody else should just be
catering to you and your needsbecause you have premenstrual
dysphoric disorder and you willnever grow and you will never
get better and your partner willleave you.
They will leave you becauseit's not sustainable.
At some point they're going tobreak.
(52:03):
They're going to break downThey've probably already been
breaking down and breakdownsneed to break ups and they're
going to get.
They're going to have abreaking point where they're not
going to come back.
And I know this and I'm sayingthis with love because I don't
want it to get to this pointwhere I've counseled so many
people where they come to me andthey were like, oh my gosh, my
partner left me.
(52:24):
They literally left me.
I never thought that they wouldleave.
Number one, you didn't thinkthat they would leave because
they had low self-worth and younever thought that they would
leave.
You finally left you whenpeople have been dealing with so
much and because they have lowself-worth and they wake up, and
they wake up to the kind oftreatment that they've been
(52:45):
accepting.
When they leave, they don't goback.
I know it because I'm one ofthem and it's almost like you
can't go back because once youreally rip the blanket off and
recognize the kind of treatmentthat you've been accepting and
you see the person for who theyare and what not even who they
are, what they're capable of itdoesn't feel safe anymore, and
(53:06):
that's what allows you to not goback.
For me, anytime I've not goneback to someone that's treated
me less than what I desire anddeserve.
It's because it scared me abouthow far that they were willing
to go in that behavior.
It was.
It didn't feel safe to me.
I was like they were willing todo this.
They were willing to treat melike this and tell me that they
(53:28):
loved me.
This is what love means to them.
I don't feel safe.
I can't go back, even if Istill love them and care about
them.
I can't go back because Irecognize my gosh.
This is how far that they'rewilling to go, and so I want you
to wake up to this before itgets to that point where your
partner leaves and you losefamily.
(53:49):
It's horrible for the children,it's horrible for the pets,
it's horrible for your finances.
You need to really think abouthow much it's impacted.
I know when we talk about thesePMDD monthly breakups a lot of
times the breakups seem like thebest solution, but you're not
really thinking about everythingelse that's going to be
impacted.
There was so much that happenedin both of my divorces, so much.
(54:12):
I moved.
I had a big house.
I had a big, giant house when Imoved.
I live in a condo now.
I love the condo that I livedin, but I gave up so much.
I gave up so much when I gaveup my marriage, when I gave up
that relationship.
I gave up so much and it wasworth it for me because I needed
(54:33):
to love myself again, valuemyself again, get my peace back,
rebuild myself, and I tookpersonal responsibility for that
.
But I gave up so much.
It wasn't just about thebreakup and I had to be willing
to face that, that I was willingto walk away from a lot of
things that were valuable to mein order to value myself and I
(54:55):
wanted to find another way.
I wanted to find a way to beable to value myself more, get
treated better, without havingto walk away from the
relationship, and I tried for along time to do that.
I'm sorry it wasn't like I justmade a decision one day, but
again, when your partner or youwake up one day to that and like
I'm being treated like this, Ineed to walk away.
(55:16):
You don't go back and the nextthing is that happens when your
self-worth is going down andsuffering in your PMDD
relationship is you feelresponsible for fixing your
partner.
You believe it's your job toregulate their emotions or make
them feel better.
That is the biggest burden thatyou can ever have is to feel
like whenever your partner issuffering in PMDD, or not even
(55:37):
if the partner that has PMDD,whenever your partner is sad,
when they're depressed, whenthey're anxious, that it's your
job to regulate them and youneglect your own well-being
because you're so focused onhelping them and you think to
yourself if I just do more forthem, then maybe they won't
struggle in PMDD, if I just domore than them, then maybe they
won't struggle with their PTSD,maybe they won't struggle with
(55:57):
their seasonal depression.
Maybe they won't struggle withtheir seasonal depression, maybe
they won't struggle with theiranxiety.
You're putting them recoveringand feeling better on your
shoulders.
And so the next time that yourvalue is suffering in your PMDD
relationship is you fear thatthey'll leave you.
Every single PMDD cycle, everysingle cycle, you're saying my
gosh, they're distant duringPMDD.
What if they don't love meanymore?
What if they leave me?
(56:18):
You are clinging to thereassurance about that they
still care about you, that theystill like you, that they still
love you.
The next one is you believe thatyour needs don't matter.
You put their needs above yourown.
You're thinking they have PMDD,so my stress isn't as important
, I'll just handle it alone.
You don't think that you'revaluable enough to have needs
within the relationship as well.
(56:40):
The next one is you change whoyou are to please them.
You suppress your personality,your opinions, your desires or
emotions to keep the peace.
I've done this so often whereI'm an extrovert, I'm an
extroverted person and I becamean introvert.
I became a whole introvert sothat my partner wouldn't be
(57:01):
jealous, so that my partnerwouldn't be insecure, so that my
partner would feel good aboutthemselves.
You're suppressing yourpersonality because you'll fear
that they reject you if you'refully yourself.
You say I won't tell them Ineed space because they might
think that I don't care aboutthem, when you know that you
really need space.
The next sign is you feel likeyou're not enough, no matter
(57:23):
what you do.
You feel like you're failing asa partner, and I know for the
PMDD partners this is really,really big.
So you're constantly comparingyourself to who you think they
need you to be.
You're like I'm not patientenough, I'm not strong enough, I
should be doing more.
Maybe I'm too clingy, maybe I'mtoo needy.
Your self-worth is going downand suffering because you're
(57:45):
feeling like you're not enoughin the PMDD relationship.
And then the last one is youstay, even when you're unhappy.
You fear leaving because youdon't believe that you'll find
somebody else that has thequalities that your partner has.
There's something about themwhere you really believe that
you can't believe that you'llfind somebody else that has the
qualities that your partner has.
There's something about themwhere you really believe that
you can't find that in anyoneelse.
So you accept this relationshipthat drains you because you
(58:06):
honestly don't believe that youdeserve better.
And so you really just say toyourself PMDD relationships are
hard.
Maybe this is just as good asthey get.
So I'm really going to beworking with you on this
self-worth and the PMDD Power.
Couples membership, the groupcounseling community that I
created this month this isreally huge for me.
I'm going to be working on thisand I'm going to break it down
(58:27):
and I'm going to give you thetools, one at a time, because I
know that there was so much thatwas packed in this episode.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, where you're saying, dr Rose,I don't want to lose my
relationship, I know that myself-worth is going down and I'm
feeling like I want to bevalued in this relationship.
I want my partners to be valued.
I want us both to get better.
(58:47):
I want us to stay together in away that we both feel valued.
If this is something that youknow that you need to work on,
then I'm going to put the linkto the PMDD Power Couples in the
show notes.
I'm going to put it in the shownotes.
You can also DM me on InstagramDrRose, underscore in love with
PMDD.
You can always email me, rose,at in love with PMDD.
(59:09):
If this is something that youknow that you need help with,
really take the time to listento this.
Share this with your partner,not as a way to blame them or
shame them, but in a way ofsaying we need to do better
together as a couple.
That's what the P&DD PowerCouples membership is all about.
It's all about you all gettingbetter together.
You all getting to this pointwhere you're addressing the
(59:30):
things that are going on in yourP&DD relationship in a way
where you're saying I don't likewhere things are.
I know you don't like wherethings are and we're actually
going to do something about it.
So until next time.
Today I want to talk to you about one of my golden
rules I have with all of myclients and the PMDD
relationships, and that is youshould not you should definitely
not be in a PMDD relationshipor be dating if you do not have
self-worth.
So one of the things thatreally causes a lot of damage
(00:22):
when you do not have self-worthin your relationship is you
begin to accept a lot of thethings that you do not deserve
and you wonder why you're inthis situation where you're
suffering and it is becauseyou're feeling like what you're
contributing to the relationship, the behavior that you've been
accepting, is less than what youdeserve and you really get
(00:43):
really bitter and resentful.
And I know because I've been inthis situation so many times
where I really accepted a lot ofthings that I did not deserve.
And as I'm going on thisjourney myself and it's been
about 15 months since thebreakup and I've been on this
journey of really thinking abouteverything that I went through
in the previous relationship Ireally started to ask myself who
(01:04):
let that I went through in theprevious relationship.
I really started to ask myselfwho let that version of me in
where they would be acceptingthat kind of treatment, because
who I am today I know for surewouldn't have accepted a lot of
the treatment that happened, andnot just in my past
relationships, but a lot of myrelationships.
And I began to ask myself whatwas the common denominator in
(01:25):
all of those relationships whereI felt like I was accepting
less than what I deserved, andthat was my self-worth.
My self-worth literally startedto dwindle in a lot of those
relationships and that's why thebehaviors that I was accepting
it was showing up where I wasn'thappy, but I also wasn't
letting myself out of thoserelationships.
And so I want to really talk toyou about this today, because,
(01:47):
as I was talking to my clientsand I was really saying, you
know, if you're going to be in aPMDD relationship, if you're
going to be dating with PMDD,you need to have self-worth and
you need to always be checkingin with yourself, with making
sure that it's still intact,because a lot of times you don't
really recognize and noticewhen that self-worth starts to
(02:07):
go away.
But as I'm coming, like I'm onthe outside looking in, I'm
looking back on my relationshipand I'm like wow, like it took
someone else to mention it to me, and I was really shocked
because when they said, oh, youhave an issue with your
self-worth, I was like me no,because the ego came in and the
ego was like, oh, you have anissue with your self-worth.
I was like me, no, because theego came in and the ego was like
(02:28):
you don't have an issue withyour self-worth, like you're
fine.
And it started to list out allof these accolades in my life,
like you finish your doctoratedegree and you have an amazing
daughter and you have thesecareers and you're helping all
these people.
And what I want to let you knowis it doesn't matter where you
are in your life, what kind ofaccolades you have, what you
(02:49):
have accomplished.
When you have low self-worth,it literally impacts every other
area of your life.
You almost don't feel that goodabout yourself, about your
accomplishments, if yourself-worth is pretty much in the
trash.
And what I noticed is that whenI was recognizing that I had low
self-worth, it made sense ofwhy I was holding on to things
(03:12):
that weren't really serving me,that weren't really making me
happy, and I wasn't holding onto things because I genuinely
wanted them.
There was a sense of fear ofletting them go.
In the relationship, there wasa sense of fear of letting these
relationships go.
And I saw this pattern withinmyself and I said you know, what
am I really holding on to?
Because I had to really digdeep on this self-worth journey
(03:34):
and it's different for everybody, because I've worked with a lot
of private clients in theirself-worth journey and I really
have to dig deep and say what isit that you're really holding
on to?
To where you're feeling like Ineed to accept this person, even
though they're verbally abusingme, even though they're
physically abusing me, even ifthey're not treating me well,
(03:54):
even if I'm not getting my needsmet.
Why am I specifically holdingon to this person?
And for me it took me right backto my childhood.
So many things stem from yourchildhood and I remember looking
at this journey that a lot ofpeople are on and even a lot of
my private clients have othercounselors, therapists,
psychologists that they'reworking with on reparenting
(04:15):
themselves.
And I remember thinking tomyself like why would you need
to reparent yourself?
Like it took me a minute toreally think about that and to
really dive deep of why you haveto go back so many times.
Because I feel like I've healedmy childhood trauma so many
times within my lifestyle thatwhen it gets to the point where
I have, when it comes up again,I noticed for me there's a lot
(04:36):
of bitterness and resentmentthat I'm still on this journey.
You can kind of, if you've beenworking on a certain area of
your life, you can kind of getto a point where you're like I
should be over this or thisshouldn't still bother me or
this shouldn't still keep comingup.
But every relationship literallyexposes another version of what
is inside of you.
So the first thing I want tosay is let go of the pride, let
(04:58):
go of the ego that's telling youthat you don't have a
self-worth journey.
I want to prime your mind forthis, because if you're in the
mindset that you don't haveanything wrong with your
self-worth, then you won't healit.
And that was the biggest thingfor me is that I was at a point
where I was like I could denythis.
I had a choice when Irecognized that someone was like
I really think you know,because I was getting mentored
(05:21):
and coached on dating and I wasin these dating situations and
they were like yeah, you have anissue with your self-worth
because you're accepting wayless than what you deserve and
your standards are really,really low for what it is that
you're providing in therelationships and I'm just like
taking it and taking it andtaking it.
So what I could have done inthat situation is I could have
(05:43):
denied it and be like you don'tknow what you're talking about.
I'm completely fine, I havehigh self-worth, I'm a high
value woman all of these thingsthat I could have been in the
ego and listed out all of thesethings.
But there would have been nohealing, there would have been
no learning, there would havebeen no growing, there would
have been no changes if I wasn'twilling to accept the fact that
, yeah, I do have a self-worthissue.
(06:05):
You know how they say, like whenyou go to AA, like acceptance
is like the first step.
That was the first step for meand it was really hard because I
work on so many areas of mylife as an individual, as all of
the roles that I hold as a momand as a counselor, and as, like
all of the other roles that Ihave in my life a friend, you
(06:28):
know even dating and a partnerand I just hold myself at a very
high standard and I work onmyself every single day, if you
follow me on Instagram, I'm veryintentional about how I spend
my time.
I truly believe that time isone of your biggest forms of
currency Peace peace is myhighest form of currency,
meaning I value peace above alot of other things.
(06:50):
And so I'm like, if I'm workingon myself in so many other
areas, how is it that I have lowself-worth?
And it took me back to mychildhood and I was like, okay,
I had to really list out a lotof the things that I was
accepting, because what I wasaccepting in my past
relationships I would start toaccepting, to accept in dating.
(07:12):
And it is a dangerous place tobe to have low self-worth.
You will find yourself insituations and you ask yourself
how did I get here?
How did I get here?
That's what I was asking myselfin a lot of these dating
situations, because when you gono contact or you disconnect for
the person, or the infatuationwears off or the attraction
wears off, then you get to seethe person for who they really
(07:34):
are.
Then you get to see thesituation for what it really is
and then you're shocked Like howmany times have you been like
that in your relationship, whereyou look back at things that
you've accepted in the past andbe like I can't believe I
accepted this kind of behavior.
No one would believe that Iaccepted this kind of behavior.
That was the case for me.
(07:55):
When I told my friends a lot ofthe behavior that I was
accepting in these relationships.
They couldn't believe it.
They were like you, you put upwith that Like I would have
thought you would have left wayearlier.
I would have thought that youwould have left so much earlier,
even with dating someone.
And I'm like no, for somereason, when I was dating, I was
(08:15):
noticing that they were givingme breadcrumbs or they were
gaslighting me or they weredoing all these things.
But there was something in methat was accepting it and it was
kind of like oh, let me trythis again or let me just work
on this, or I was alwaysinternalizing it and choosing to
work on myself instead ofrecognizing that this person
doesn't deserve me.
(08:36):
And that was so hard for mebecause when I was working with
the individual that I ended upworking with for my lack of
self-worth, they said why is itso hard for you to tell someone
that they cannot have access toyou if they genuinely don't
deserve you.
Why is it so hard for you tolet them know that they're not
(08:59):
going to have you in their life,not because they're a bad
person, but because they justdon't deserve what you're
bringing to the table?
No one has to earn anythingthat you're giving them.
You're just freely giving allof yourself to these individuals
that do not deserve you.
And then, when they show youthat they do not deserve you by
treating you horribly, you havean issue with walking away, and
(09:21):
I was like I really do, becauseI really start to make excuses
for them and say, oh well, maybeit's because of this, you know,
I will even reference theirchildhood.
Oh, they had a bad relationshipor they had a bad childhood,
and I'll start mentioning all ofthese things.
And I'm not and I was puttingmyself on the back burner, like
I've gone through childhoodtrauma and that's what it really
(09:41):
led me to.
So, for those of you who don'tknow my story, and that's what
it really led me to.
So for those of you who don'tknow my story, I was in foster
care at the age of three.
I was adopted at the age offive.
A lot of what happened with mybiological parents was a lot of
drugs, alcohol abuse, prisonsall of these things.
I was totally abandoned.
But when I got adopted into myfamily my adopted family I had
(10:06):
an open adoption and what thatmeant was I still was able to
communicate with my biologicalfamily, and so for years of my
childhood they would promise meoh, we're going to pick you up,
oh, we're going to do this, oroh, we're going to spend this
time together, I'm going to giveyou this.
They would promise me the worldand deliver nothing.
(10:27):
They were almost bred from me.
They would give me a little bitof something like, say, if they
said that they were going topick me up, I mean, we're going
to go and have this really funtime.
They wouldn't pick me up, butthen they would call me days
later and act like nothinghappened, the gaslighting right.
And this is.
(10:47):
I was a child.
So what I really learned in myformative years, where you're
supposed to be learning aboutrelationships, learning about
love, getting those secureattachments, is that people can
say things and they not reallydeliver them, like they don't
deliver on the things that theypromise.
And my role that I took on waslet me just love them a little
more, let me make excuses forthem, because in my mind, if I
(11:11):
didn't make excuses for them, ifI completely just held them
accountable for what they did orthey didn't do, I would end up
with no one.
That was my worst fear as achild is that I really look at
my parents for who they are andI will never have a relationship
with them because I willrecognize that they don't
deserve me.
I will recognize that theydon't really love me.
(11:32):
It was a scary thing to thinkthat your biological parent and
family doesn't love you, becauseif your biological parents
don't love you, if the peoplethat brought you into this world
don't love you, then how isanyone else in the world
supposed to love you?
That was my mind.
So it was.
I made it my job to make it easyfor them to love me
(12:26):
no-transcript here at my adoptedhome.
But when I, when I, connectwith my biological family, it's
going to be so much better.
So I sold myself a dream and Ideveloped this habit of doing
this in relationships, inintimate relationships.
(12:47):
I would sell myself a dream.
When I started to getmistreated, I would say that's
okay, because it's going to getbetter.
I just need to love them more.
I just need to make moreexcuses for them, I just need to
forgive them, and so I couldforgive people very, very well.
Forgiving is almost a traumaresponse for me, because you
know how they say forgive andforget.
I literally forget what theperson does, not because I don't
(13:09):
really remember it, but becauseI force myself to forget.
Because if I remember everysingle thing that they do, then
I know that they can't be in mylife.
When I get to the point where Iam forgiving you but I'm
remembering every single thingthat you do, something within me
doesn't allow you to stay in mylife.
And I know that about mebecause when it's gotten to the
point where I've disconnectedfrom certain relationships that
(13:31):
were not good for me, that'sliterally what happened.
I got to a point where I was nolonger able to forget every
single thing that they had doneto me and therefore I accepted
this person can't be in my life.
Because if I look at thebehavior that someone does, if
someone's yelling and cursing atme, then I have to face the
(13:52):
fact that this is a characterthing.
They're going to yell and curseat me and I can't have them in
my life and so I have to letthem go.
And I try so hard inrelationships not to get to that
point where I have to let thatperson go.
So, in order to not let them go, I just forget.
I forgive and forget, I forgiveand forget, I forgive and
(14:12):
forget.
And what happens when you dothat so often, you're ignoring
your reality.
You're disassociating from whothis person really is.
Who they're showing you theyreally are, who they're showing
you that they're capable ofbeing in your life, is who
they're showing you they reallyare, who they're showing you
that they're capable of being inyour life.
And then it gets reallydangerous because they begin to
believe because this is whatyou've shown them that, wow, I
(14:34):
can talk to her like this andwake up the next day and she's
just going to be open and loving.
I can treat her like this andshe's still going to smile when
we go out and act likeeverything's great.
And I was doing that.
I was doing it for the sake ofnumber one keeping the peace in
my relationship, because Ididn't want to have my PMDD
symptoms worse, but then also sothat I could hold on to the
(14:54):
relationship, and so when I'mdating I have it's easier for me
to let people go.
It's easier for me to cutpeople off that are not good for
me.
But when I'm in marriages andI've been in two marriages in my
life, one in my twenties, onein my thirties it's so hard for
me to let go of a marriagebecause I value family and I
(15:16):
don't value family because Igrew up having a good family.
I just told you I had a lot ofchildhood trauma.
I had an abusive biologicalparents and also adopted parents
.
I value family, not because Ihave a good family, but because
it's just a character, a traitof mine.
I value family.
I think it's one of the mostbeautiful things.
(15:37):
I think that's one of the mostspecial bonds, and I've gotten
to this point in my life where Ihave a chosen family.
I have family meaning.
I have friends that are like myfamily.
I have people that I'm choosingto be in my life and they've
become my family and I valuethem.
So let's talk about this today,of why I really believe that
(16:00):
having a lack of self-worth isso damaging in your PMDD
relationship and the basis ofthis.
When it got back to mychildhood and I was digging on
this journey, I said to myselfthe reason why it's so hard for
me to let go of a marriagerelationship that's really not
healthy for me.
It's because I genuinelybelieve if I let this person go,
(16:23):
I'm going to have no one there.
There's a lot of this scarcitymindset and that can happen with
you, because I know it'shappened with a lot of my
private clients.
They almost feel like if I'mnot with this person, then I'm
not gonna be with anyone.
This is my one and only person.
This is the only relationshipthat I will ever have.
I will never be happy again.
So I need to take all of thismistreatment because if I don't
(16:45):
take this, then I'm going to bealone and I don't want to be
alone.
So I continuously take abuse andfor me, if someone is operating
in a realm that you don't likein your PMDD relationship, I'm
not saying throw therelationship away.
You know, if I'm your counselor, if you're my private client,
you know that's not what I do.
What I do do is address thebehaviors that are triggering
(17:09):
you, address the behaviors thatwe are recognizing that is less
than what you deserve and then,once we do that, we bring it to
your partner's attention orbring it to your attention and
we work on fixing it, or bringit to your attention and we work
on fixing it.
But what I've noticed is whenyou get to this point where
you've been accepting so muchbad behavior, behavior less than
(17:32):
what you deserve from someone,they kind of get used to
treating you like this, and sowhen you try to talk to them
about it and you try to say Ineed you to start talking to me
more nicely, I need you to sayless hurtful words, they may try
to get defensive and criticizeyou and be like well, what about
you?
You're doing this, you're doingthis.
They're not willing to takeaccountability for their actions
(17:54):
and they actually may have nointention of changing because,
guess what, they don't value youanymore.
So this is why self-worth andself-value are so interconnected
, because when someone doesn'tvalue you, you will know it very
, very, very soon, because theywill not fear losing you.
When someone is willing to putyou in a situation where they
(18:16):
can risk losing you and by risklosing you I mean they recognize
that you've been complainingabout things that are going on
in the relationship, they knowthat you're not happy with the
way things are in therelationship and they're not
willing to do anything to changeit.
It's because they don't valueyou, and I know this because
I've dealt with this firsthand.
I've seen partners who value mewhere I bring something up and
(18:39):
I'm like, hey, this reallyconcerns me or this really
bothers me, and because they hada fear of losing me, they
immediately made the change.
They're like, oh, I'm sorry,babe, I won't talk to you like
that, or I'm really really sorryfor whatever it is that I did.
There's no defensiveness.
They're literally admitting toit and they're willing to make
changes and they're willing toget help on the areas that are
(18:59):
causing damage in therelationship, because they value
me, they value my presence inthe relationship, they value the
relationship as a whole.
And when it gets to the pointwhere they don't value you, what
this looks like is thecriticism, is the defensiveness,
is the deflecting.
There's a lot of deflection,meaning I'm telling you that I
have an issue in thisrelationship and, instead of
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addressing it and takingaccountability, you're
deflecting it and you're sayingit's because of PMDD.
And you're saying it's becauseof me and you're saying it's
because of my childhood traumaand you're saying it's because
of all of these other thingsthat are going on in the
relationship.
Without taking personalaccountability.
You're not willing to takeaccountability because you don't
value losing me.
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So if you're in that situationwith your partner and you're
wondering why they're notchanging and you're wondering
why they're just going monthafter month after month after
month of the same issues and youall are talking about the same
issues and maybe some of you,because I talked to you you've
been DMing me for months almosta year now, saying, dr Rose, I
really wanna work with you butmy partner's not on board.
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I really want to work with youbut my partner's not on board.
I really know that the issuesthat we have in our relationship
are because of PMDD, but mypartner is not willing to get
the help.
Every single month it is thesame thing and I always say I'm
here for you.
I am here for you whenever youall are ready, if one of you are
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ready.
I work with a lot of privateclients where I'm only working
with one of the partners, eitherthe partner that has PMDD or
the partner that doesn't.
But I can't force your partnerto value you enough to get the
help in that area, meaning wecan work on you and what you're
contributing to the PMDDrelationship.
Your reactions to a lot of thethings that are going on in the
PMDD relationships, which I knowis a lot of the things that you
want to work on.
You say you know I need to workon just not reacting to the
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things that my partner is doingand maybe that'll be better.
That used to be me.
I'm like my partner's not goingto change, so I'm just going to
change how I'm reacting to thethings that my partner is doing
and maybe that'll help.
That only sustained me foranother couple of months because
at the end of the day, when youare in a situation where you're
not valuing yourself, wherethere's no self-worth, there's
low self-worth, there's lowself-value, you're going to
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begin to get disgusted withyourself because you're
accepting less than what youdeserve.
That's what happened to me.
I was literally disgusted withmyself and I woke up one day
after a certain instancehappened and my partner at the
time was so happy and I was sodisgusted with myself at how low
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I had gone, how much I had putmyself on the back burner, how
much I was suffering in silence,and my partner was happy and I
was literally mortified becauseI said this is not.
I said to myself this is notsustainable.
I'm literally pleasing mypartner at the detriment of my
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own self-worth, and I didn't saythe word self-worth.
So you know if I'm keep talkingto you about self-worth.
No, I don't believe peoplereally talk to themselves like
that, where they're like I havelow self-worth.
But what I really know, if I'mkeep talking to you about
self-worth, no, I don't believepeople really talk to themselves
like that, where they're like Ihave low self-worth.
But what I really would say isdo you feel good about yourself,
the way that you're showing upin your relationship, the way
that you're being treated?
Do you feel good about yourself?
That's what I was really sayingto myself.
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I don't feel good about myself.
I'm looking at how I'm showingup, I'm looking at everything
I'm pouring into my partner andI don't feel good about myself.
I feel like if someone else wasbeing treated like this, if a
really good friend or mydaughter was getting treated
like this, I would tell them torun for the hills.
If a client was getting treatedlike this, I don't tell my
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clients to leave.
So that is one of my boundariesis I don't tell you to leave.
If you decide to leave yourrelationship, you decide that on
your own.
I lay everything out for you tomake the decision on your own,
because no one could tell mewhen to leave.
I had to leave any of myrelationships where I was
accepting less than what Ideserve when I was ready.
And when I was ready is when Iwas willing to face reality,
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when I got really tired of I gotreally really tired of
pretending that I was happy andwhen I got to the point where I
was recognizing that I had putmyself in a situation where I
almost had to pretend.
I had to pretend that I washappy in a situation because I
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had put myself in it and I feltlike I needed to see it through
in it.
And I felt like I needed to seeit through.
I felt like the reason why Iwasn't leaving was not because I
genuinely wanted to be there,was because I felt like you know
what I put myself in thissituation, so I just need to
stick with it because, after all, it's marriage and that was my
biggest thing is I knew that Iwas no longer happy and I don't
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believe that you get to thesepoints where you're you're
always happy in yourrelationship, do I believe that
I was no longer happy, and Idon't believe that you get to
these points where you're alwayshappy in your relationship.
Do I believe that you should bemiserable?
No, but I believe that there'smoments in your relationship
where you just go through arough patch and I'm more than
willing to stick it out and gothrough a rough patch.
What I'm not willing to do ishave someone blatantly
disrespect me, devalue me andnot even feel bad about it.
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I think that's the worst part.
When there starts to be a lackof remorse, where they stop
feeling bad for treating youhorribly, that's a dangerous
place to be, because that meansthat they're willing to go
beyond that.
When they get reallycomfortable making you
uncomfortable when they see youcrying and they're not affected.
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When there's no empathy whichis one of the biggest things
that I teach in my course aboutbeing a supportive PMPD partner
is having empathy it's adangerous place to be where your
partner doesn't really carewhether you're sad or not.
They don't care that you'recrying.
They don't care that you'refrustrated.
They don't care that your PMPDsymptoms are worse.
They don't care that you'resuffering.
They don't care that you'refrustrated.
They don't care that your PMPsymptoms are worse.
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They don't care that you'resuffering.
They almost think about that'syour problem, that's not my
problem.
That's a dangerous place to be.
They will take you through theringer.
They will put you through hellwith a smile on their face.
When they recognize that you'rewilling to put up with a lot of
things, they start to lose valuein you.
They don't value someone thatdoesn't value themselves.
That's what I recognized.
I had gotten to a point where Iwas asking myself why am I
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requiring my partner to value mewhen I don't even value myself?
At this point, I'm expecting mypartner to treat me better and
I'm not treating me better.
So this is why, when I'mgetting into this realm of
dating, I really believe thatit's dangerous to date with low
self-worth and no value, becauseyou will accept horrible
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situations.
I can't even I'm just likegoing back in my memory like you
will accept when peoplerecognize that you don't love
yourself, that you don't valueyourself.
They don't value you and theydefinitely don't love you.
They take advantage of you forwhat it is that you can provide
to them and they don't feel badabout it because they see how
you treat yourself.
When someone sees how you treatyourself, that's showing them
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how they're supposed to treatyou.
A lot of times, when you'redemanding that someone treat you
better and they're not treatingyou better, it's because they
see how you're treating yourselfand they're like, oh why would
I treat you with respect?
You don't even respect yourself.
Why would I, you know, be ifyou're saying to your partner
that you want more intimacy, youwant to be more connected, you
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want to be more loving, you wantto be more open, all of these
things and you don't have a goodrelationship with your own body
, with how you feel in your body.
You're not taking care of yourbody but you're expecting your
partner to.
That's what I recognized with alot of my private clients that
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were coming to me and they weresaying that they were having
intimacy issues and I would say,okay, let's talk through this,
let's work through this.
And a lot of times they werevery uncomfortable with their
body and a lot of how that wasshowing up in the relationship
was they didn't want to getnaked around their partner or
they were like, not comfortablein their clothes.
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They were really insecure withthat certain area and it was
showing up in the bedroombecause they were not willing to
be open with their body, withtheir partner, but they were
expecting to have the intimacythat comes with that.
You know, a lot of times when Ido my P&D partners morning
routine, I like to explain it topeople because it has a lot to
do with being in a relationship.
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It has a lot to do with themost important relationship that
you can ever have and that'sthe relationship with yourself.
Meaning, if I'm going to be ina relationship with someone and
I am going to be intimate, it isvery important for me to have a
good relationship with my ownbody, for me to feel comfortable
in my own skin in order for meto feel open and loving and
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wanting to share my body withsomeone that I value, that I
like, that I love.
I wouldn't feel comfortablesharing my body with someone if
I'm not comfortable with my bodymyself, because then it's like
I'm hiding certain parts ofmyself where I'm not really
comfortable and I'm also lookingfor their validation.
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But I'm also looking for theirvalidation.
If I'm insecure with how I lookand how I feel in my clothes,
then I'm always going to belooking for my partner to
compliment me, to tell me I lookattractive, that I'm desirable,
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and it is not fair to put thaton your partner and they can
feel that.
They can feel that pressurebecause when you get to this
place of desiring and expectingyour partner to appreciate your
body, value your body more thanyou do, then if they stop doing
it, then all of a sudden youdon't feel attractive, you don't
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feel desirable or you willliterally get pissed off at your
partner for not coming on toyou, for not flirting with you,
because you're not secure withyourself and you're putting that
worse of your body in yourpartner.
So you only feel attractivewhen your partner tells you that
you're attractive.
You only feel desirable whenyour partner tells you that
you're desirable.
And when they stop doing thatnot because they don't genuinely
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believe it, but because they'rejust existing You're going to
be.
It's like you're siphoning gas.
You're like I need you to tellme that I'm attractive.
I need you to tell me that I'mpretty.
I need you to tell me that I'mbeautiful.
I need you to tell me that I'mbeautiful.
I need you to do all this andit's because you're not doing it
for yourself.
You have low self-worth inregards to your body and you're
wanting your partner to fillthat part of your cup up.
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And I'm not saying that yourpartner is not supposed to think
that you're desirable.
They're not supposed to thinkthat you're attractive.
Of course they are, but youcan't put the pressure on them
for being the only person thatis showing you that you're, that
you need to be at a point inyour journey where, whether your
partner tells you every singleday that you're beautiful, you
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feel beautiful, because when youput the pressure on them,
they're going to feel it andit's going to become like an
obligatory thing.
It's going to be like oh, Ineed to make sure I tell her
that she's beautiful, or elseit's going to be a problem.
She's going to have an attitudewith me.
Why would you want your partnerdoing something like that for
you?
That is not genuine.
It is not your partner'sresponsibility to validate you
and to build up your self-worth,and so, if you're in this place
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where you're really needing towork on your self-worth, number
one, if you're dating.
I had to take a break withdating when I realized that that
was one of my biggest issuesbecause it was showing up in a
realm of I was valuing I, myself-worth was tied to whether
someone wanted to date me or not, and not just date me, but date
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me long term, date me.
Like you know, I'm big onmarriage, and so if someone was
saying that they wanted to be orthey were dating me, I would
find value in someone telling methat they wanted to be in a
long-term relationship with me,that they had met me and they
were like oh, you have all ofthese amazing qualities, I want
to be with you in a long-termrelationship.
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I'm not even saying marriage,I'm not there yet.
I'm definitely, definitely,definitely not there yet.
Remember, I told you that Iwanted just a companion at this
point in my life.
But I was finding a lot ofvalue in people that told me
that they wanted to be in thislong-term relationship with me,
because I took it as though, wow, they think I'm so amazing that
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they want to be in a long-termrelationship with me.
They're seeing all thesequalities that I have, what I'm
bringing to this relationship,how I make them feel, and they
want to be with me for a longtime.
That was my childhood traumacoming in, because what I was
basically saying is wow, thesepeople are choosing me, they
want to be with me, they want tobe in my life, they want to
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choose me above all of theseother people, and what I really
was coming back to with mychildhood trauma was the fact
that my parents are very mybiological family is very
selfish, in a sense that they doa lot of things in the world.
They do a lot of things thatmeet their needs and they put me
on the back burner, and they'vedone it for years and I've
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always wanted them to choosebeing a parent over meeting
their selfish desires.
I know what it feels like tohave a daughter I have a
daughter who's 15, and I knowthat I have a lot of things that
I desire, but none of thethings that I desire in my life
are above being a mother.
I would never choose to do oneof my passions, even above being
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a mom, if I had to pick andchoose and it's like, hey, you
can do this or you can be a mom,I'm going to be a mom.
I have to sacrifice a lot to bea mom, and that's a maternal
instinct that I have because Ivalue my child.
I value my daughter enough toput her above a lot of my
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desires, and I always wonderedwhy my parents didn't have that
in them and I was internalizingit and think I'm not good enough
.
Things that I desire in mybiological parents.
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They don't have the things thatI desire and deserve.
They don't have them even ifthey really, really wanted them.
Those qualities they don't havethose maternal, paternal
instincts at this point in theirlife.
And I can't sit there and putmy life on hold, waiting for
them to get to a certain point,to where they value me.
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And a lot of you are in thatsituation in your relationship
where you're waiting for yourpartner to value you.
You're waiting for them torecognize how amazing you are.
You're waiting for them todecide that I want this
relationship with this person somuch that I'm willing to make
these changes.
And can I tell you that youcan't force anyone to get to
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that point ever.
They have to want it on theirown.
I've been in relationshipswhere people have recognized how
much they value therelationship and they value me
and they've made the changes.
And I've been in relationshipswhere they've not and they've
literally shown me I have nointentions of changing.
This is who I am.
You either take the breadcrumbsthat I give you or you just
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don't have me and a lot of timesyou can literally accept the
breadcrumbs and have to pretendlike it's cake.
That is the most horrible thingto do, especially if it was
just valentine's day.
And you have these holidayslike Valentine's Day, christmas,
with the matching pajamas, andyou have.
You have all of these thingswhere you can portray yourself
on social media like you havethe best partner ever and you're
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literally not even speaking toone another, you're not intimate
, you're sleeping in separaterooms, and what happens is when
you're in these relationshipswhere you have this low
self-worth and you're acceptingthe bare minimum you're
accepting these breadcrumbs isthat the hard part is you have
to pretend like you're gettingthe whole cake.
You have to pretend like you'regetting the kind of person that
you desire and deserve whenyou're really getting
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breadcrumbs.
And so you're not only lying toeveryone else, but you're lying
to yourself.
And I know because I've beenthere.
I've looked back at pictureswith exes where I'm smiling in
the pictures and everythinglooks great and I know me.
I know me and I could seemyself.
I could see the pain in my eyes, I could see the forced smile.
I could think and go back tothat moment and feel and be like
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you were not happy, like bereal with yourself.
You were not happy.
You were suffering in silenceand you were feeling like you
were doing the right thing, butyou were not happy.
You know, on this journey I'vehad so many private clients who
are on my TikTok or my Instagramand they've literally DM'd me
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and was like you look so happy,like I've been following you for
a couple of years or over ayear and I've never seen you so
happy and I've appreciated thatkind of like confirmation
because I'm genuinely happy.
It's not a forced sense of Ifeel like I should be happy, so
I'm going to pretend like I'mhappy.
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It's kind of like faking untilyou make it.
I no longer am in that placeand I think subconsciously I
felt like I was doing the rightthing by putting myself in those
situations.
So I know a lot of you may feellike you're doing the right
thing by putting yourself in thesituations where you're
pretending like you're happywhen you're really not, Because
(36:25):
it's like what's the alternative?
Be miserable, act like you'remiserable, let everyone know
that you're miserable, feel evenmore miserable because now
everybody knows that you'remiserable.
No, you're just gonna pretendlike you're happy when you're
not.
Here's my thing.
I am all for that.
If you're actively working onit, like, if I'm actively
working on something with apartner, I will be the first one
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.
I have a lot of friends thatwere like be the first one.
I have a lot of friends thatwere like before you got the
divorce, I had no idea that youand your partner weren't happy.
Up until when you told me thatyou were getting the divorce, I
thought you all were happy.
I am all for protecting yourpartner and what I mean by that.
If you're actively working onyour relationship, you don't
have to go around telling yourbusiness and telling everyone
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that you're miserable and oh, Idon't like this about them and
talking crap about your partner.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, if you knowthat you're not working on it
and you know that you're justaccepting behavior that is less
than what you deserve, likeyou're not really happy but
you're pretending like you'rehappy, it's going to be really
hard for you.
You're going to begin to getdisgusted with yourself, like I
(37:31):
was, and so one of the, I'mgoing to talk to you about the
tools of what you can do to workon your self-worth, if any of
this is resonating with youagain.
There is absolutely no shade,because I've been there and not
that long ago and I know a lotof you.
Maybe you look at me on socialmedia or you listen to me on the
podcast and be like I wouldhave never thought that you
(37:52):
would have had low self-worthand it's like.
Low self-worth does not meanthat you're not deserving of
love and that you don't loveyourself.
It means that you don't loveyourself enough to walk away
from situations that are lessthan what you deserve or demand.
That was so hard for me I'vehad to demand in dating.
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You either treat me the waythat I desire and deserve or I'm
out.
I'm not going to convince you,I'm not going to force you.
I'm not going to do circustricks to prove to you why you
should treat me the way that Idesire and deserve.
Either you see my value andyou're willing to treat me the
way I desire and deserve, or youdon't, because if you have to
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convince someone to treat youthe way you desire and deserve,
they're only going to do it fora short period of time to keep
you around, and then eventuallyit's going to wear off.
It's not sustainable becauseyou're always going to have to
do circus tricks.
You're always going to have tonag them.
You're always going to have tobeg them.
You're always going to have tobeg them.
You're always going to have tobring it to their attention of
why they should treat you theway you desire and deserve.
And you're going to get tired.
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It's going to be exhausting andas soon as you stop doing it,
they're going to go back totheir regularly scheduled
program, which is treating youless than how you desire and
deserve, point blank period.
You know a lot of people that Ihave looked back on, that I've
dated and I've been inrelationships that have treated
me the way that I really desireand deserve.
I've not had to teach them.
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They've seen the value in meand they've just been that way.
They've been treated me withrespect.
They haven't raised their voicewith me.
They've gotten to the pointwhere I've triggered them or
obviously like it's not, likethey're living in la la land,
but they handled it in a waythat was so respectful, like I
had one of my exes literallytell me I love you too much or I
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care about.
I love and care about you toomuch to stay in this
conversation, because I knowwhat I'm feeling right now and I
could potentially disrespectyou, so I'm going to walk away.
Not, I'm feeling right now andI could potentially disrespect
you, so I'm going to walk away.
Not, I'm triggered, I'm pissedoff.
I'm going to talk to youhowever I want to, and you're
just going to have to take itbecause I'm pissed off in the
moment.
I'm not saying that your partneris never allowed to have an
(40:00):
emotional reaction towards you,but they need to have some kind
of filter, meaning if it becomesescalated in a way that they're
about to disrespect you,they're willing to walk away.
They're willing to pull awayuntil they can regulate
themselves and talk to you in away that you desire and deserve.
I always use this thing with myprivate clients and say think
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about someone that you reallyrespect, and a lot of times it's
your children.
You care, and what I mean byrespect is you care how they
look at you, how they see you,how they view you, and ask
yourself this question whenyou're thinking about talking to
your partner about somethingthat you're really frustrated
with or you're triggered about,would you talk that way to your
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partner while your daughter oryour son is sitting in the room,
meaning whatever you're aboutto say to them.
Think of your child sitting inthe room.
Would you yell at them?
If you're trying to justify theway someone, if someone's
trying to justify the way thatthey treated you and belittle it
and minimize it like it's notthat bad, okay, okay, it's not
(41:03):
that bad If you don't have kids,put your parents in the room,
put somebody that you respect.
Put your parents in the room,put somebody that you respect,
put your boss in the room, putyour best friends in the room
and ask your partner thisquestion If these people that
you respect were in the room andyou were talking to me like
this, would you still do it?
Or would you regulate yourselfand or walk away?
Would you treat me the way youtreat me in private, in public,
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in front of everybody?
Would you give me the silenttreatment?
Would public, in front ofeverybody?
Would you give me the silenttreatment?
Would you ignore me?
Would you give me the coldshoulder?
Would you argue with me in away that is demeaning?
Would you do this in front ofall of these people that we're
parading ourselves around, thatthey're this big, happy couple?
And if the answer's no, then youknow that you need to fix the
way that you're treating me.
This is a simple way tounderstand if your partner is
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treating you less than what youdesire and deserve.
So when you're looking at thisbarrier of self-worth, it means
the way that your partner treatsyou in private should not be
drastically different to howthey treat you in public.
If they're treating you inpublic with respect because they
care about you how it's viewedto everybody else, if they treat
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you with respect and they lowertheir voice, they talk to you
in a calm tone when they'refrustrated in front of you know
the kids but then in privatethey're yelling and cursing at
you or they're throwing thingsor they're saying all these
things.
No, that's how you know you'regetting treated less than what
you desire and deserve, becausewhat they're showing you is I
have the capability to treat youthe way that you desire and
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deserve and show you that Ivalue you in front of other
people.
I just don't value youspecifically enough to control
myself, and that's a hard pillto swallow, because I had to
think about that.
I'm like when I was in thisjourney of getting rid earlier,
my journey of getting rid of myPMDD rage, which took me a while
journey of getting rid of myPMDD rage, which took me a while
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.
I recognize I can control myPMDD rage because I've done it
in so many other circumstances.
We've been out with family andfriends and my partner used to
trigger me.
I didn't go off on them, Ididn't say mean things, I didn't
give them the culture I didn'tdo that.
I still act loving.
So that showed me I was valuingthe people that were around us
more than I was valuing my ownpartner.
I didn't respect and value mypartner enough to give them the
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same level of treatment that Iwas giving in front of everybody
else.
So that's how you know yourvalue for your partner can be
going down.
Is that you're starting to justbe very loose with how you
treat them.
Very, it is what it is.
They get me, however.
They get me I'm in PMDD.
You start bringing up all thesethings.
So let's go over 10 signs thatyour self-worth may be suffering
(43:42):
in your PMDD relationship,because I want you to be real
with yourself.
I want you to be honest withyourself.
If you reckon let the ego go.
Remember how I talked to youearlier in the episode.
I had to let my ego go.
I had to let go of the notionthat, oh, this is not me Like,
and even if the self-worth word,or you know the phrase, is just
(44:03):
triggering for you, whereyou're like, I don't feel like I
have self worth.
Use another phrase.
Like I said, do you feel goodabout yourself?
Okay, so the first sign thatyour self-worth is suffering in
your PMDD relationship is yourely on your partner to define
your worth.
You feel only lovable when yourpartner reassures you.
You feel really, really badabout yourself unless your
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partner's telling you thatyou're great, unless your
partner's telling you that theyappreciate you.
And so what this really lookslike because I want to give you
and you question your value whenyour partner goes into PMDD,
and so your partner'soverwhelmed with PMDD and not
showing affection, and insteadof you recognizing that them not
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showing affection haseverything to do with them and
nothing to do with you, youstart asking yourself did I do
something wrong?
Am I not enough?
Are they not showing meaffection because they're not
attracted to me?
Are they not showing meaffection because they're not
attracted to me?
Are they not showing meaffection because they don't
like me?
I've heard this so many timeswhere, when your partner gets
distant in their luteal phasethat you start to think that
there's something wrong with youas the partner, that they don't
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really like you, they don'tvalue you, they don't want to be
in a relationship with you,instead of recognizing that
they're just stressed andoverwhelmed because they're
suffering with PMDD symptoms.
So this is how you know thatyour self-worth is suffering in
the PMDD relationship as thepartner, because you're in that
situation where every singletime your partner acts
differently towards you.
You think it's a reflection ofyou and who you are and what you
(45:33):
bring to the table and yourvalue.
And the next sign that yourself-worth is suffering in your
PMDD relationship is that you'reover apologizing, even when
you're not at fault.
You take all the blame forevery conflict that you have in
the relationship to avoidupsetting your partner.
Every single time something badhappens in the relationship,
(45:53):
you're like, oh, that was on me,that was my fault, and I'm all
about forgiving and asking forforgiveness.
But if you're not wrong, you'renot wrong.
And a lot of times you'reapologizing because you know
that your partner won't.
You're wanting to get.
You want to get the peace backin your relationship.
So you're over apologizing evenwhen it's not your fault and you
(46:15):
feel guilty for even havingneeds or expressing your own
emotions because you're makingit all about them.
You're saying like I know theylashed out because of PMDD, but
maybe it's because I triggered.
I should just apologize to them.
So what you're really saying isyour partner went off on you on
PMDD rage and instead ofholding them accountable for how
they treated you, you're sayingoh, it's because of me.
(46:36):
I must have triggered them.
I must have done somethingwrong.
I should just go and apologizeto them.
You're literally apologizing toyour partner for them doing
something disrespectful to you.
Your self-worth is going downas you're over apologizing.
Every single time that you dothis, you're putting your needs
on the back burner and saying mypartner is more important than
(46:57):
me.
The back burner and saying mypartner is more important than
me.
I'm willing to take this levelof abuse and blame it on PMDD
and say oh, I know that theycouldn't control themselves.
I know that they just had totalk to me like that because
they're suffering in PMDD.
I told you that's not true.
If your partner can't controltheir emotions in PMDD, they
need to be doing something tomanage it and by managing, they
need to be getting help.
This is why I work with myprivate clients, because it is
(47:21):
hard, but it is something thatyou're going to have to work on,
but it is possible.
I'm never going to tell you thatbecause you're in a PMDD
relationship that you need to beaccepting verbal and physical
abuse and there's nothing thatyou can do about it.
Are there going to be timeswhere your partner who has PMDD
is very overwhelmed?
Absolutely, I still get veryoverwhelmed.
I still get triggered, I stillhave to use my own tools.
(47:43):
But I will not put myself in asituation where I'm going to
verbally and physically abusesomeone because I'm in PMDD and
act like there's nothing that Ican do about it.
And I understand if you'recoming and you're meeting me
earlier on your journey, I gethow you could think that I used
to think that Early, early,early in my journey, I've
suffered with PNPD for over 19years.
(48:03):
Early in my journey, before Ideveloped tools, before I had
tools, I literally thought Ican't control it.
So the next time that yourself-worth is suffering is you
walk on eggshells to avoidconflict Partners.
You suppress your true feelingsout of fear that they'll get
upset.
When I wrote my dissertation formy doctorate in PMDD, I only
(48:27):
interviewed, initially, partners, hundreds, hundreds and
hundreds of partners from allover the world, because I wanted
to make sure culture wasn't athing, age wasn't a thing.
All different ages, alldifferent backgrounds, all
different races, all differentraces.
They all said the same thingsthat they were walking on
eggshells to avoid upsettingtheir PMDD partner.
They didn't like the version oftheir partner when they got
(48:50):
into PMDD.
How angry they got, how madthey got, how bitter they got,
the nasty things that came outof their mouth.
It was so out of character, itscared them.
There was so much fear and alot of the phrases they were
saying is.
I won't bring up how I feelbecause they're already dealing
with PMDD.
I should just deal with myemotions myself.
(49:10):
They didn't set any boundarieswith how they were getting
treated because they didn't wantto seem like they were too much
, like they weren't able tohandle you in PMDD.
So they almost felt like,unless they were willing to put
up with this, they were notgoing to be able to be with you
and they love you and they adoreyou.
So it's almost like if I wantto be with this person, I have
(49:32):
to accept this abuse and that'show you know your self-worth is
suffering.
The next sign is you toleratedisrespect or hurtful behavior.
You excuse mistreatment becauseof PMDD, even when it's
repetitive.
Every single month.
Your partner is talking to younasty.
Every single month, they gointo PMDD, they're shutting down
on you, they're getting distant, they're not meeting your needs
(49:54):
, they're acting bitter, they'reacting resentful and you don't
speak up, even when yourpartner's words hurt you and
you're saying things like theyyelled at me again.
But it's just the PMDD talking.
I just shouldn't take itpersonally.
How many of you who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder
has told your partner you needto stop taking it personally.
Again, I've interviewed a lotof the PMDD sufferers and that
(50:16):
is one of the commonalities andI've even heard my private
clients say it on sessions andI'm like no, that's not a thing.
I'm not going to help yourpartner accept verbal abuse
better so that your relationshipcan be better.
I'm going to help you manageyour PMDD rage, your PMDD
triggers, so that you don'ttreat your partner like this
(50:38):
anymore.
I'm not going to condition yourpartner to accept abuse in the
luteal phase.
That's not what I'm here forand so many times that is the
misconception when it comes toworking with me.
They're like Dr Rose, you knowhow it is, so they just need to
not take it personally.
Do not think that I'm going tobe on your side with abusing
your PMDD partner.
You shouldn't even want me tobe.
You shouldn't even want me tobe.
(51:00):
You shouldn't want someonethat's on your side at the cost
of your partner, who you loveand adore and care about.
Like, really think about that.
If I love and care about mypartner and I went to a
counselor and that counselorshowed me how to abuse them
better, how to talk to them likecrap and they just not take it
personally, how to not allow meto grow, how to not give me
(51:21):
tools to grow but just get themto a place where they're
desensitized to my abuse.
If they're not holding meaccountable for how I'm treating
my partner, I do not want towork with them Because that's
the ego.
If you want to work with peoplethat are only telling you the
things that you want to hear,that's your ego, because your
(51:42):
ego wants to tell you thatyou're not wrong.
You're the victim.
You're suffering in PMDD andeverybody else should just be
catering to you and your needsbecause you have premenstrual
dysphoric disorder and you willnever grow and you will never
get better and your partner willleave you.
They will leave you becauseit's not sustainable.
At some point they're going tobreak.
(52:03):
They're going to break downThey've probably already been
breaking down and breakdownsneed to break ups and they're
going to get.
They're going to have abreaking point where they're not
going to come back.
And I know this and I'm sayingthis with love because I don't
want it to get to this pointwhere I've counseled so many
people where they come to me andthey were like, oh my gosh, my
partner left me.
(52:24):
They literally left me.
I never thought that they wouldleave.
Number one, you didn't thinkthat they would leave because
they had low self-worth and younever thought that they would
leave.
You finally left you whenpeople have been dealing with so
much and because they have lowself-worth and they wake up, and
they wake up to the kind oftreatment that they've been
(52:45):
accepting.
When they leave, they don't goback.
I know it because I'm one ofthem and it's almost like you
can't go back because once youreally rip the blanket off and
recognize the kind of treatmentthat you've been accepting and
you see the person for who theyare and what not even who they
are, what they're capable of itdoesn't feel safe anymore, and
(53:06):
that's what allows you to not goback.
For me, anytime I've not goneback to someone that's treated
me less than what I desire anddeserve.
It's because it scared me abouthow far that they were willing
to go in that behavior.
It was.
It didn't feel safe to me.
I was like they were willing todo this.
They were willing to treat melike this and tell me that they
(53:28):
loved me.
This is what love means to them.
I don't feel safe.
I can't go back, even if Istill love them and care about
them.
I can't go back because Irecognize my gosh.
This is how far that they'rewilling to go, and so I want you
to wake up to this before itgets to that point where your
partner leaves and you losefamily.
(53:49):
It's horrible for the children,it's horrible for the pets,
it's horrible for your finances.
You need to really think abouthow much it's impacted.
I know when we talk about thesePMDD monthly breakups a lot of
times the breakups seem like thebest solution, but you're not
really thinking about everythingelse that's going to be
impacted.
There was so much that happenedin both of my divorces, so much.
(54:12):
I moved.
I had a big house.
I had a big, giant house when Imoved.
I live in a condo now.
I love the condo that I livedin, but I gave up so much.
I gave up so much when I gaveup my marriage, when I gave up
that relationship.
I gave up so much and it wasworth it for me because I needed
(54:33):
to love myself again, valuemyself again, get my peace back,
rebuild myself, and I tookpersonal responsibility for that
.
But I gave up so much.
It wasn't just about thebreakup and I had to be willing
to face that, that I was willingto walk away from a lot of
things that were valuable to mein order to value myself and I
(54:55):
wanted to find another way.
I wanted to find a way to beable to value myself more, get
treated better, without havingto walk away from the
relationship, and I tried for along time to do that.
I'm sorry it wasn't like I justmade a decision one day, but
again, when your partner or youwake up one day to that and like
I'm being treated like this, Ineed to walk away.
(55:16):
You don't go back and the nextthing is that happens when your
self-worth is going down andsuffering in your PMDD
relationship is you feelresponsible for fixing your
partner.
You believe it's your job toregulate their emotions or make
them feel better.
That is the biggest burden thatyou can ever have is to feel
like whenever your partner issuffering in PMDD, or not even
(55:37):
if the partner that has PMDD,whenever your partner is sad,
when they're depressed, whenthey're anxious, that it's your
job to regulate them and youneglect your own well-being
because you're so focused onhelping them and you think to
yourself if I just do more forthem, then maybe they won't
struggle in PMDD, if I just domore than them, then maybe they
won't struggle with their PTSD,maybe they won't struggle with
(55:57):
their seasonal depression.
Maybe they won't struggle withtheir seasonal depression, maybe
they won't struggle with theiranxiety.
You're putting them recoveringand feeling better on your
shoulders.
And so the next time that yourvalue is suffering in your PMDD
relationship is you fear thatthey'll leave you.
Every single PMDD cycle, everysingle cycle, you're saying my
gosh, they're distant duringPMDD.
What if they don't love meanymore?
What if they leave me?
(56:18):
You are clinging to thereassurance about that they
still care about you, that theystill like you, that they still
love you.
The next one is you believe thatyour needs don't matter.
You put their needs above yourown.
You're thinking they have PMDD,so my stress isn't as important
, I'll just handle it alone.
You don't think that you'revaluable enough to have needs
within the relationship as well.
(56:40):
The next one is you change whoyou are to please them.
You suppress your personality,your opinions, your desires or
emotions to keep the peace.
I've done this so often whereI'm an extrovert, I'm an
extroverted person and I becamean introvert.
I became a whole introvert sothat my partner wouldn't be
(57:01):
jealous, so that my partnerwouldn't be insecure, so that my
partner would feel good aboutthemselves.
You're suppressing yourpersonality because you'll fear
that they reject you if you'refully yourself.
You say I won't tell them Ineed space because they might
think that I don't care aboutthem, when you know that you
really need space.
The next sign is you feel likeyou're not enough, no matter
(57:23):
what you do.
You feel like you're failing asa partner, and I know for the
PMDD partners this is really,really big.
So you're constantly comparingyourself to who you think they
need you to be.
You're like I'm not patientenough, I'm not strong enough, I
should be doing more.
Maybe I'm too clingy, maybe I'mtoo needy.
Your self-worth is going downand suffering because you're
(57:45):
feeling like you're not enoughin the PMDD relationship.
And then the last one is youstay, even when you're unhappy.
You fear leaving because youdon't believe that you'll find
somebody else that has thequalities that your partner has.
There's something about themwhere you really believe that
you can't believe that you'llfind somebody else that has the
qualities that your partner has.
There's something about themwhere you really believe that
you can't find that in anyoneelse.
So you accept this relationshipthat drains you because you
(58:06):
honestly don't believe that youdeserve better.
And so you really just say toyourself PMDD relationships are
hard.
Maybe this is just as good asthey get.
So I'm really going to beworking with you on this
self-worth and the PMDD Power.
Couples membership, the groupcounseling community that I
created this month this isreally huge for me.
I'm going to be working on thisand I'm going to break it down
(58:27):
and I'm going to give you thetools, one at a time, because I
know that there was so much thatwas packed in this episode.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, where you're saying, dr Rose,I don't want to lose my
relationship, I know that myself-worth is going down and I'm
feeling like I want to bevalued in this relationship.
I want my partners to be valued.
I want us both to get better.
(58:47):
I want us to stay together in away that we both feel valued.
If this is something that youknow that you need to work on,
then I'm going to put the linkto the PMDD Power Couples in the
show notes.
I'm going to put it in the shownotes.
You can also DM me on InstagramDrRose, underscore in love with
PMDD.
You can always email me, rose,at in love with PMDD.
(59:09):
If this is something that youknow that you need help with,
really take the time to listento this.
Share this with your partner,not as a way to blame them or
shame them, but in a way ofsaying we need to do better
together as a couple.
That's what the P&DD PowerCouples membership is all about.
It's all about you all gettingbetter together.
You all getting to this pointwhere you're addressing the
(59:30):
things that are going on in yourP&DD relationship in a way
where you're saying I don't likewhere things are.
I know you don't like wherethings are and we're actually
going to do something about it.
So until next time.
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