This Steals Your Peace in PMDD

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What happens when childhood trauma intersects with the challenges of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)? This episode unravels the complex web of relationships and mental health, drawing from my personal journey through the foster care system and the emotional scars that continue to shape my adult life. I share how these early experiences impacted my search for love and validation, leading to a marriage at a young age and influencing my relationship choices. By understanding the roots of these connections, we explore the critical role of self-awareness and personal growth in breaking free from the cycle of negativity inherited from our past.

The path to healing is often lined with bitterness and isolation, especially when dealing with toxic family dynamics. Despite being single, family and friends have had a profound impact on my PMDD symptoms, teaching me the vital importance of setting boundaries. This episode takes a candid look at the emotional toll of unfulfilled parental relationships, including a poignant attempt at connecting with an absent father. We delve into the necessity of self-regulation and the power of forgiveness to maintain mental peace amidst emotional chaos.

Join me in a raw discussion about the cycles of negative thought patterns and the struggle to maintain trust in the face of recurring trauma. How can we address the sensitivity and irritability that PMDD brings, especially when compounded by unresolved conflicts? I share strategies for taking responsibility for our mental well-being while still acknowledging the influence of past wounds. Whether it's through releasing bitterness or finding healthier ways to communicate, this episode sheds light on the journey towards emotional resilience and healthier relationships.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk about one of the biggest things
that steals your peace when youare in PMDD.
And I really want to talk aboutthis because, as you know, I am
single as a Pringle at themoment, and so when you think
about PMDD relationships, you'dbe like, oh well, maybe you're
just so happy and you're justliving your best life because

(00:22):
you're good, and so I want tolet you know, first of all,
there are many, many, many otherrelationships that can impact
your PMDD, and during this lastholiday season, I had an
opportunity to experience thatthat, even though I'm single,
there are other people in mylife that can have an impact on
my PMDD journey, and so, when itcomes to in love with PMDD,

(00:45):
it's not just in love with yourpartner, it's in love with your.
You know, if you haverelationships with your parents
or your kids or all of theseother things can also impact
your PMDD symptoms, and so todayI'm going to switch it up a
little bit from partners andreally give you some tools on
what can happen when you haveother people in your life that

(01:08):
you genuinely love and careabout and they trigger a lot of
your PMDD symptoms or couldpotentially do this, and one of
the things that I valued, asI've been on this journey of
really working on myself waymore intentionally than I ever
have, I would say, since 2017,has been putting up boundaries

(01:34):
as to who I allow into my spacebecause of how it impacts me in
PMDD.
I had to really think aboutthat because I'm like I know if
I could like make out a list andI'm a big journal person, like
if you give me journal promptsor I have journal prompts with a
lot of things that I do to workon myself and I really just
want to dig deep to reallyfigure out what is going on.

(01:56):
One of the things that Irecognized was, like I have
other people in my life that Ifeel like I've allowed access to
that don't deserve access to me, and I don't say that in a
narcissistic way or egotisticalway, but I genuinely know that
when I go into PMDD, like theytrigger me and I remember this,

(02:17):
so I'm going to go, but I don'tknow if I've ever fully told you
my story about my upbringingand my childhood, and I think
when you get to a certain age,it almost feels like girl, you
should be over this, like youshould be.
Oh, why are we still talkingabout baby Rose?
Like, why are we still talkingabout the baby version of
yourself?
But I will say that yourchildhood really does impact

(02:40):
your adulthood and this is why,as a single mom, that I have put
so much emphasis in theupbringing of my daughter,
because she's my one and onlyand I know how much.
Like I have clients now thatI've never had that are like 13,
14, 12.
12 is my youngest one andthey're talking about things

(03:03):
that have gone on.
And then I have adults that arein their forties and fifties
and they're talking about thingsthat happened to them as a
child.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, likeyou're, the way that you're
raised, like your childhoodreally does have an impact on
who you become as an adult.
And so now that I've gone intothe dating realm, like I want to
know about, like thesepotential partners, like

(03:25):
childhoods, like how did yougrow up as a child?
Like what happened, what didyou?
Like?
Like I want to know the trauma,because what happens to you as
a child, how you were raised,does impact how you associate
relationships and how you behavein relationships.
And so I was just I've beenvery interested in that journey

(03:45):
but moving forward, one of thebiggest things that I and I'm
going to get to, this that hasimpacted you know, my PMDD
journey and yours too, becauseI've I've counseled hundreds of
you and you've all said the samething with like we always go
back to childhood, by the way,like if I work for you any
longer than two sessions, we'regoing back to childhood because

(04:06):
everything that you're dealingwith is rooted in childhood.
It's rooted in something thathappened to you either in
childhood or a previousrelationship.
And now I feel like I'm like ohfor two, because, if you don't
know my story, I've been marriedtwice and I've had so I think
my trauma is like a twofer.
Twofer, like what I mean bythat is, I had trauma from my

(04:30):
biological parents.
I was placed in foster care atthe age of three.
I had drug addicts for parents,both of them Like.
You know how like sometimesthings happen in your childhood
or as you're growing up andthere's one parent just couldn't
get it together, or one parentwhatever.
I was 0 for 2.
So I had a father and I'm goingto write a book on this someday

(04:56):
.
So you're getting a BTS behindthe scenes.
I'm working on a book right now, but this is going to be one
that's going to take on.
It's going to be a thick book.
It's like my dissertationbecause it's and I really wanted
to name the book.
So please, nobody steal this orGoogle it and see if somebody
else has done it.
But no Child Left Behind,because that's always how I felt

(05:18):
in my childhood and adulthood.
I'm like I feel like I've beenleft behind, like somebody
forgot about me, and it's reallyshowed up in my dating
relationships.
But I was placed in foster careat the age of three because I
was neglected by my biologicalmother and then my father was in
prison by the time I was threeyears old.

(05:40):
By the time I went into fostercare.
I went to different foster carehomes.
By the time I was five yearsold I was placed into the home
that I got adopted in.
So you would think, oh, that'sgreat, you got adopted into a
home at the age of five.
They could rebuild everythingand help you out.
Then I was further abused in myadopted home with two other

(06:04):
parents, emotionally andphysically, from the age of, I
guess, three.
When I got no, no, no, I wouldsay five, five till 17, until I
was kicked out, like I.
You know my old story used tobe like I left my home at 17.
No, I was kicked out and it wasagainst my will and it took me

(06:27):
off guard Like I.
It was horrible, it was a verytraumatic experience and that
happened at 17.
And then I went on to live mylife.
But when I say I'm over two, Ihad two parents that were
biological that pretty muchdidn't want me, and then I had
two parents that took me in whenthey adopted me but it was for

(06:50):
their own purpose.
And that's what I've noticedthat I have this aversion to
narcissism and people that arereally selfish, because when
you're doing things that on theoutside it looks like you're
doing a good thing but you'rereally just meeting your own
internal needs Like that's beenthe narrative of my story since

(07:10):
1985, that people have used mefor their own benefit for like
what it looks like to otherpeople.
Like for my biological parents,it was a situation where they
had me.
I don't know if they wanted meor they didn't want me.
I don't know if they wanted meor they didn't want me, I don't
know, but I just know that,whatever it is that they had
going on with their own internallives, like it was more

(07:31):
important to me and I becameonly important to them because
of the optics, because of whatit looked like to other people.
And then I got adopted and, with, you know, parents that were
the same thing, we took in thisbroken bird and we took her in
and we, you know all of thesethings and portraying that I was
this horrible child when Ireally wasn't.

(07:53):
But I was like gaslit intofeeling like I was and believing
them because I genuinely justwanted their love and affection,
attention, adoration, and thengoing into relationships,
genuinely wanting the same thing.
Like this was my life.
This is the trajectory of mylife, which is which is pretty
on brand with why I've chosenthe people that I've chosen for

(08:14):
relationships, because my firsthusband, you know, was 15 years
older than me, or still is.
Like I didn't, I didn't killhim.
He's 15 years older than me andI remember being 20, in my 20s,
where I should have been livingmy best life and all of these
things and just wanting a family.
I literally was like, please,please, please.

(08:37):
I want to get married, I want afamily, super early, and so I
obviously had to choose someonethat was outside of my age range
, because who at that age wasreally wanting that same thing?
And so he was 15 years olderthan me.
I was 20, he was 35 and wedated and then I was married by

(08:57):
21.
I was married by 21, had myfirst child at my first and only
child, at 22.
And that's the way I thought itwas supposed to be.
You know, I thought you getwith someone, you get married.
You know, I grew up in a veryChristian background where, like
that's what you do when youwant to live your practical life
and live with someone and havesex with someone, like you are

(09:20):
married, you're not likeflailing out in these streets
like these Jezebels.
That's how it was portrayed tome.
So I got married at 21, waspregnant by 22, which, at 21 and
a half, I got called by afamily member and they're like
it's just weird that you're notpregnant already.

(09:40):
And I was just like what?
So then I became obsessed withhaving a child, because I always
wanted to be a mom.
But there was a level ofpressure there where it was kind
of like okay, this is your role, like this is what you're
supposed to do.
And so I got pregnant.
Finally and I could have awhole episode on my trying to
conceive journey because Ireally did immerse myself in

(10:02):
that where I was trying to havea baby so much and then the
month that I just gave up wasthe month that I got pregnant.
So jokes on me.
So if you're trying to have ababy right now, don't try.
That's my biggest form ofadvice, because as soon as I
stopped trying, I literally waspregnant and I was doing nothing
different and I had all theovulation strips and the TTC and

(10:24):
I was checking my basaltemperature and all of that, and
I feel like my body was like wedon't care about any of that.
And so that's my bit of advicefor you.

(10:46):
Relationship was and I see apattern here I saw that this
person was genuinely telling methat they wanted what I wanted.
I took the representative ofwho they were and I was like, oh
my gosh, like you want to be.
He was divorced and or so Ithought that's a whole nother
story, but he was like I'vealways just wanted a family, and
so when he said that, it wasalmost like a mirroring effect I
tend to get with people thatmirror the emotions that I'm

(11:09):
feeling in that moment.
So he was like I've just alwayswanted a family, I don't care
about all these other things,blah, blah.
And I'm like me too, and so Itrust very easily which you
would think, after everythingthat I've been through in my
childhood, that I would have ahard time trusting.
But I genuinely don't.
I genuinely love people, trustpeople, believe in them, all the

(11:30):
things.
I give you a billion chancesand it's not worked out well for
me.
I will say that it leaves me ina place where I'm hurt a lot
more than I would want to be,but I just I don't know.
It's the core of who I am thatinnocence is still there of just
believing the best in people.

(11:51):
I never want to get to a placewhere I'm so, and that's what
I'm getting to today.
I'm so bitter, I'm so resentful,I'm so unforgiving that I turn
into a different version ofmyself.
I've encountered a lot ofpeople that are very bitter and
resentful from things that havehappened in their past, and I've
just remember, looking at itlike man.
That situation hurt you, thatsituation was messed up, but

(12:15):
you're genuinely continuouslyletting that situation hurt you
by the outcome of how you'rebehaving right now, like you're
a different person because ofthe situation that happened to
you, and so it's it'scontinuously hurting you, like
it's not just it hurt you onetime during that incident, like
it's hurting you because you'rebecoming this version of
yourself that I know that you'renot proud of.
Like I know that genuinely,deep down, you're a good person,

(12:38):
because if you've been aroundme in person and I know some of
my private clients have, becausewhen I travel, I let them know
where I'm traveling so they'reable to see me or whatever and
you, you genuinely become thebest version of yourself around
me.
That is my gift.
Where I, like you relax aroundme, like you can just be out.
There's no judgment, there's nooh, you need to show up a

(12:59):
certain way.
Like I love you, and when Ilove a person, all of the other
stuff doesn't matter.
Like I don't need you to be therepresentative, I don't need
you to look a certain way, sounda certain way, do a certain
thing.
If I love you, I love you, andso it allows you to just be open
to who you are.
And I just feel like a lot ofyou have shielded that because

(13:20):
there's so much bitterness.
You're shielding the trueversion of who you are to your
partner because of things thatthey've said and done to you and
you can't get over them, and soyou're acting like you're this
person and it's a differentversion of you and it's not
pretty.
It's an ugly.
Whenever you're bitter, it's anugly version of yourself.
I'm just going to be honestLike no one's ever proud of

(13:41):
themselves for being bitter andresentful and having all this
unforgiveness.
It's not like, yeah, like theego will make you think that,
like, oh, this is what theydeserve.
But when you give people whatyou think that they deserve, you
end up suffering because youend up showing a side of
yourself that's not the truth.
It's not the true core of whoyou are.
Literally, you're like crappingon people and you're like, yeah

(14:03):
, that's what you deserve.
But at the end of the day, doyou feel good about it?
That's what I will say.
When you're being bitter andresentful towards your partner,
do you feel good about it?
The answer is no, becauseyou're showing this ugly, nasty
side of you and you're genuinelya beautiful, nice, caring,

(14:24):
loving person, and then you'reblaming them for bringing that
side out of you when actuallyyou had all control over what
your reaction was.
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
Bitterness steals your peace inPMDD.
When you decide to be bitterbecause of something that
somebody has done to you andsaid to you, it still is your

(14:45):
peace.
And what happened for me was Ihad that horrible relationship
with my biological parents,where my mom I can't even that's
a whole other episode she, theyboth, I don't know.

(15:07):
That's why I literally havesaid that before.
I really feel like they weremeant for each other because
they do a lot of the same, likea lot of the trauma that I have
from my mother and my father mybiological mother and my father
is very similar.
And I'm just like man, you guysshould have stayed together
because you're very narcissistic, both of you.
Very selfish people Selfish,selfish, like very self-centered

(15:30):
whatever benefits them.
I mean, that's how they gave meup, or I got given up was
because they were doing theirown thing.
I want to do drugs, I want toparty, I want to do whatever and
forget the fact that I have achild.
That's how I got into thefoster care system.
And then you would think like,over the years you know, because
I tried to look back I'm like,oh, they were so young when they

(15:52):
had me.
But no, as adults they'reliterally the same and I feel
like that's what happens whenyou don't do the work to change
certain aspects of yourself.
You literally are just theadult version, or like an
advanced version, of that trait.
So I already told you I hadthings that I needed to work on
after previous relationships,but I make a point to work on

(16:14):
them because I feel like, if not, I'm just going to be like a
more grown version of myselfthat is going through the same
thing.
So my biological parents verynarcissistic, very selfish Like
even if you don't know what anarcissist is, you know what
selfish people are.
Both of them are equallyselfish and I remember having a

(16:36):
lot of bitterness towards thatbecause I went and I grew older
and, as I felt like, because myadoption was not closed when I
was adopted at the age of five,so I was able to know my
biological parents and for mybiological father, his is like

(16:58):
he's just a coward Like, and Ihate that and I hate to say that
, but it's the truth of what itis Like meaning.
I know the core of like.
I can see myself in him Like.
I can see the versions of likeoh, I have these, these things
that I want to say and thesethings that I want to do, and I
just don't say and do them.
And I can see that version oflike.
I can see that I have a versionof that.

(17:19):
But I have to actively counterthat Like.
I know that that can come out.
I have to work on it If I feellike sometimes I don't want to
speak about certain things andI've seen it come out in
relationships where I've beenmistreated and I've just not
wanted to speak up.
I don't want to rock the boat.
I don't like confrontation, Idon't like the aggressiveness.

(17:41):
So, like me, my mom and my dadwere very polar opposites.
My dad was more of the likeokay, and you can mirror this in
your relationship and see who'swho.
So my dad was like, when my mom, who had a very strong
personality, would go off, shewas the one that like took over
the room, like she took over theenergy.
She could be the sweetest,nicest person or she could be

(18:02):
like very evil, very conniving,and my dad was pretty much like
okay, like go with the flow,like whatever it is that you
want to do, I just don't wantconfrontation.
When you start gettingaggressive with me, like I just
back up and I cower and I dowhatever I need to do to cope
with it.
And so the problem with my dad,which is a it's a gift that I'm

(18:26):
even calling him that, butthey're, you know, whatever he,
he would use substances.
When he felt like he was sooverwhelmed with things that
were happening in his life,things that he felt shame about,
he used drugs.
And so I remember talking tohim about it when I was an adult
and I was, like you know, whydo you use drugs?
Because that's been like thething that has taken away

(18:48):
everything from you.
Like you committed a crime thatlanded you in federal prison
because you use drugs, so whywould you still use them?
And he was saying, like,because he said he started off
with like alcohol, then it wentto like marijuana, then
marijuana wasn't strong enough,then it went to like marijuana,
then marijuana wasn't strongenough, then it went to like
other stronger drugs, Like Idon't even want to say what the

(19:10):
drugs are, but I feel like theywere strong.
Because, like, he was like notokay.
And I just remember, like ifsomething like this had
destroyed your life, like whywould you continuously do it?
Because for me, I'm soself-aware that when I realized
that something is like messingme up, I'll be like, oh, I need
to change this certain thing.
And he was like I feel my best,and I'm glad of his honesty.

(19:32):
He said I feel my best when I'meither high or drunk.
I feel like he feels like hehas the courage to be who he
really is when he's high ordrunk and that's what's kept him
being addicted.
Because I remember one time andthis is where the bitterness
comes in where I was talking tohim and he was calling me

(19:52):
because he's very inconsistentand all these things.
And I've left the door open forall of my parents, like
biological and adopted, untilrecently that I've just been
like, yeah, like, if you everwant to establish a relationship
, I'm open.
I'm not going to talk aboutyour past.
I'm not going to blame you forwhat you've done.
I'm not going to talk about thefact that you dragged me
through the mud, through abillion dollars worth of therapy

(20:14):
to just rebuild myself, so thatI didn't end up on a corner
doing things that you did inyour life Like I've been so
forgiving, with no freakingapologies, and I had so much
bitterness of like justapologize, change your ways.

(20:35):
Like I'm giving you theopportunity.
And I remember one time he justsaid, like I feel my best when
I'm higher, I'm drunk, andthat's the core of who I am,
core of who I am.
And I was just like so youdon't.
Basically, they had nointentions of getting rid of
their lifestyle.
And I was saying am I notenough?

(20:55):
The fact that you couldpotentially lose a relationship
with me, is that not enough foryou to change?
And they pretty much bothshowed me yeah, no.
And that was so hurtful and Ihad a lot of bitterness towards
that because I kept opening upand giving them opportunities to

(21:16):
be better and just, it was sohard for me in my journey and
the reason why I'm talking aboutit now is because there's
continuously times where they'llpop up and I'm pretty much
estranged from the both of themnow, but they'll pop up for
their own benefit and Iliterally will think it's like,

(21:38):
wow, like, and I'm about to be40 years old and I'm like, wow,
they finally want to be a mom,they finally want to be a dad.
No, like, they've gone to theextent of like using my child of
like I just want pictures, like, oh, that's so great.
Like, send me pictures of youand then I'll send pictures and
they're sending it to otherpeople just to make it seem like
they're taking credit for allof my accomplishments.

(21:59):
Yeah, she's doing this andshe's doing you had nothing to
do with anything in my life.
Chicken nugget Like I.
I just feel like some peopledon't have it in them, don't
have those maternal instincts,and I had to really come to that
point of to let go of thebitterness that they were never
the parents that I needed and Iwas.

(22:22):
I was even open to having themas parents.
As an adult, I wasn't even like, oh, I'm going to talk about
the childhood, none of thatmattered.
I feel like I was covering uptheir true character.
I was covering it up to allowthem to be in my life, because I
felt like if I really took themfor who they were, I would have

(22:44):
nobody.
Because then I got adopted andthen I got physically and
emotionally abused by my adoptedfather from the age of 5 to 17.
And then emotionally abused bymy adopted mother, and both of
it was traumatic and I keptthinking like what the heck is
wrong with me, like I never letit stop me from being loving,

(23:08):
from being open.
But there was this level ofbitterness because I kept trying
to keep the door open andsaying you can love me.
I'm not going to you know, likeI'm not going to talk about
what you did in the past, I'mgoing to be so forgiving.
And the fact that they justchose not to do that, even when
you know the thing that my dadsaid, that hurt me the most my

(23:30):
biological dad because he hadbeen in prison from the age of
when I was like five, all theway to the age of I was like 17.
He was in prison for a longtime, you do the math and he got
out of he.
He made me so many promiseswhile he was in prison and I
wrote letters.
This is why I love writing,because I like wrote him letters

(23:53):
and he wrote me letters backand that's kind of like you know
how they say, like your firstrelationship of love is like
with your dad.
Well, mine was with writingletters to my dad, and so that's
why written communication,communication period is so
important to me, because I wasjust in this place of like I'm
writing to this person andthey're telling me that all the

(24:14):
things that they're going to do.
And then when he got out ofprison he did none of them.
He literally went ghost.
I didn't even know he was outof prison and that we were
living in the same city.
I was living in Atlanta, I wentto Clark Atlanta University for
my undergrad and he was inprison in Georgia, like way out
in the sticks, and then he gotout and somebody just told me
that he was out and I'm like howlong has he been out?

(24:35):
And he was out doing his ownthing, back doing drugs, back
drinking, back doing otherthings.
And I remember I talked to himas an adult and one of the
things that he said to me thatliterally ignited the bitterness
and made my PMDD symptoms somuch worse is that he was like
you're the reason I do drugs.
And I was like what the like?
I was mortified because drugswas the one thing that I felt

(25:01):
like was the, the catalyst ofwhat was keeping us apart.
Like if he would, if he wasn'ta drug addict, if he wasn't an
alcoholic, then we would havethis amazing relationship
because there would be thesemoments of clarity where he
could be the sweetest, nicest,kindest, funniest person and I
saw the core of who he was.

(25:21):
And then he would get high andbe like an a-hole, like he was
one of those people.
When they get drunk or highthey're very like passive,
aggressive, but they say somereally mean stuff and you're
just like who in the world areyou talking to?
Chicken nugget?
Like that's how he was, and heeven did it to me.
He did it to my mom so I couldkind of see where she had this

(25:42):
like aversion to him.
But I just I when he said I wasthe reason that he did drugs, I
was like what are you talkingabout?
And he was like well, I feel alot of guilt and shame every
single time.
I think about the fact that Ididn't raise you, the fact that
I was in prison for the majorityof your childhood, and so
whenever I want to numb myselfout and not think about all of

(26:05):
those things, I get high or Iget drunk.
So therefore, you are thereason why I'm living the life
that I live, and I that's when Irealized that my boundaries
were again in the trash and thegarbage.
The fact that I was allowingsomeone who didn't even deserve

(26:27):
to have access to me now tell methat the reason why they were
destroying their own life wasbecause of me.
When I was in PMDD, I rememberscreaming on the phone with him
in the car and almost being likeI would with a partner.
I'm like you're.
The reason why I'm suffering somuch in PMDD is because I'm

(26:50):
dealing with these kind ofcomments Like you are.
I'm so bitter by the fact thatyou would say this to me that
now my symptoms are exasperatedand they were Like I was calm,
cool and collected when Iaccepted the call, like I used
to when he was in prison, likethe collect call, like I
accepted his call.
And then when I answered thephone, he dumped all this stuff

(27:13):
on me.
He was like you're the reasonwhy I'm this and you're the
reason why I can't get over this.
Not because of anything that Ihad done.
That was the thing.
I had never done anything to mybiological mom or dad, or even
like I'd never done anything.
I wasn't even there to doanything.
You didn't raise me.
It's just my pure existence.

(27:38):
I feel like they had a child ata time that they really just
didn't want or need or wereprepared to have a child, and I
have just been this thorn intheir side where it's just like,
oh my gosh, I have this humanthat they didn't even really
have to take care of.
Like my adopted parents didn'teven have to allow me to have
access to them, but they did.
And it was actually verytraumatic.
And I understand why my adoptedmom did it because she was
trying to make sure that I hadthe opportunity to have a

(28:00):
relationship with them, but allthey would do was lie and say
they were going to do things andthen not do them.
That's why, when I'm datingsomeone and they say that
they're going to do somethingand they don't do it, that's why
it's so traumatic for me,because it just reminds me of my
biological parents, of, like,what an idiot I literally feel
like.

(28:21):
I just don't understand therationale behind it, because
there were so many things Ididn't ask for them to offer to
me.
They would be like oh, I'mgoing to do this for you.
I will never forget.
I will never, never, neverforget and this is just the
weirdest thing ever that myadopted dad said he was going to
buy me a Barbie car, like theBarbie cars that you could like
sit in, and he was telling me hewas going to get it for me for

(28:44):
Christmas, writing me letters,telling me all these things.
He never, freaking, got me theBarbie car.
I'm like a fully.
I'm like almost 40 years oldand I'm still like, why did you
even offer me the Barbie card?
Like I never asked you.
It wasn't like I asked forcertain things.
They would offer things to makethemselves feel like a good
person, to make themselves feelbetter, and then not do them.

(29:08):
They'd be like, oh, I'm goingto pick you up and do this and
so I would get dressed as achild.
Imagine this little girl and ifyou're watching this on YouTube
or anywhere else, like, imaginethis little girl getting ready
with her little backpack to seeher mommy and daddy looking out
the window and they never,freaking, come Like, why do you

(29:28):
feel the need to lie?
So I, like I had to get rid ofa lot of the like I had to get
rid of even understanding it,like I was just like.
I don't understand why you'reusing me in your journey of like
toxicity.
Like I'm just trying to be openand loving to you and I feel
like when people, when peoplesee that you're a nice, kind

(29:49):
person.
That's what I've noticed.
Some people, some people I'mnot going to say all people they
will take it and run with it.
They will run all over you.
They will use you like a tubeof toothpaste and fold you over
and try to squeeze whatever theycan get out of you.
Because I would be on that callwith my mom or my dad, my
biological ones, and be like Ilove you, I just love you so

(30:11):
much, and they would feel sogood about themselves when they
absolutely did nothing for me tolove them, like I genuinely
loved them for no apparentreason.
And that translated into mydating life where I could fall
in love with someone when theyliterally showed zero effort.
It's like what have they doneto deserve the level of loyalty,
dedication, affection,attention that you're giving

(30:34):
them?
And it's like they've donenothing.
But I've been trained to notexpect things, because if I feel
like I felt like if I expectedsomething, then I would.
Obviously they wouldn't do itBecause they were like low
effort.
And then, when I started datingand getting married, like I
wasn't requiring a lot, becausewhen it comes to my, my initial

(30:54):
relationships, I wasn'trequiring a lot.
I just wanted you to be therefor me to love.
Like I've always felt like Ihave all of this love to give
and my clients can attest tothis Like I love and adore you
so much, I go through so muchand still show up for you.
And I will always be that way,because when I love, I love, and

(31:16):
I'm not going to say I lovehard.
I would just say I love deep,because it's not an aggressive
type of like.
I love hard, like I'm poundingon your door, like yeah, I'm
here to love you, but it's likedeep, it's deeply rooted.
When I'm invested in yourjourney and for everyone who has
PMDD or is in a PMDDrelationship, I love you and I
adore you because I know what itis that you go through, because

(31:36):
I've gone through it for 19years now.
I'm now at the threshold whereI've said 18 years, now it's 19
years.
I know what you go through andthat's why I'm able to be here
as authentically as I can,because this is not again.
I will say this once and I'llsay it again.
It's not something I read in abook, but yeah.
So, going back to the bitterness, I had so much bitterness that

(32:01):
day that my dad said that to mebecause I was like what?
Like, oh my gosh, how dare you,how freaking dare you blame the
life that you have on me whenI've given you every opportunity
to rebuild your life ever sinceI was in college.

(32:22):
Like I've never once shut youdown, I've never once, you know,
brought up and my biologicalbrother has my biological
brother, who we're estrangedbecause he doesn't like me,
because he feels like I thinkI'm better than him, for all
these years I don't know, hejust doesn't know me.
He ran away from our fostercare home and left me there.

(32:42):
I always think it's weird whenpeople do things to you and then
they don't like you because ofwhat they did to you.
Like again, I've never doneanything to you.
Like we were together, brotherand sister, and he chose to
leave and run away when I wasn'tthere and not take me with him.
He left me in our adopted homeand I was just sitting there

(33:02):
like where's my brother?
The person that we went door todoor begging for food together,
that was supposed to be the onethat took care of me.
Where did he go?
And he went off to do his ownthing.
That selfish gene is in thebloodline and I have to be so
careful about that, because I'mjust like I see it on both sides
, like both my mom and my dadand my brother, like they have

(33:25):
the propensity to be so selfishthat they could see you
literally agonizing, bleedingout, and if it doesn't benefit
them, they're just like do, do,do, do.
And I just I never want to belike that where I choose my
pleasure, not even wellbeing.
Like I can understand peoplewho are like I have to survive,

(33:46):
I choose my wellbeing at thecost of another person
Absolutely freaking, not.
I'm so disgusted by thatbehavior and that's where the
bitterness came in.
And so when I was on PMDD thatday and my dad said that to me
and he was like I do drugsbecause of you, because I just
almost blacked out and I yelledat him and I was driving and I

(34:06):
was in PMDD and I'm like I'mpretty sure I have PMDD because
of you, because I have to dealwith stupid comments and I
almost cursed.
But stupid comments like that,like how would I have anything
to do with you doing drugs?
I never, I never, never, nevereven wanted you to do drugs or

(34:28):
encourage you to do it.
I've done everything to likeallow you to have drugs or
encourage you to do it.
I've done everything to allowyou to have a fresh start, and
so the first thing that havingbitterness does is it increases
your emotional stress.
I was so stressed out by thatcomment and I had so much
bitterness, so much resentment,and holding onto that comment
literally worsened my PMDDsymptoms.

(34:50):
I had a complete mood swing.
Like I answered the phone and Iwas like completely open and
loving and I immediately hadanxiety, I was irritable, I was
driving like a, like a crazyperson because I was on my way
somewhere and I was like I justcan't believe.
And it's almost like he andsome people you know I will say
they like want you to get inthat state.
Like some people literally findpleasure out of you being in

(35:14):
that neurotic state when you getinto PMDD and I saw that he had
that because it's almost likeit makes them feel better about
themselves because they're notthe only ones that are cuckoo
for Coco Puffs.
Like when you start going offon PMDD range and your partner
or someone that you love is justlike, yeah, like, they're just
kind of like they're, they're,they're willing to show their

(35:34):
true colors because you'reshowing this other side and
they're like at least we're inthis together.
That used to happen with my exall the time, like it was so
much more comfortable for himfor me to go off on PMDD rage
when he was going off on hisrage, because then it's like,
then, when it came to talkingabout it, it's like we really
need to work on ourselves andI'm like we, like I, they just

(35:55):
feel better.
So that's the number one thing.
I was just like I can't withthe bitterness, like I can't.
The next thing is theruminating Like after we got off
the phone, because I was onPMDD, I kept rethinking the
comment that he made andthinking about it again and
again, and again.
And so, because I was in myluteal phase, of course, pmdd
was playing it on repeat, likeyou're the reason, you're the

(36:18):
reason, you're the reason thathe did drugs, you're the reason
for this and you're the reasonfor that.
And so I just it was like atape that I just wanted to smash
and break and like run over theback, it up and run over it
again, because I couldn't stopmyself from thinking about, wow,
this is what he really thinksabout me.
And then I think about like wow,this is supposed to be my, my

(36:38):
father, the person that'ssupposed to love and adore me
and all these things, and that'sobviously not happening.
So the bitterness, it wasstraining and causing tension in
my relationship.
So I I started to isolate.
I was like you know what I feltrejected, I felt abandoned, I
felt anger and I started toisolate.
I was like I can't be incommunication with this person,

(37:05):
aka my dad, when I'm in myluteal phase, because he says
some real foul stuff and itmakes me go off on PMDD rage
really quickly, because and hesays it like so nonchalantly
that it's almost like I want togo ham and cheese on that
biscuit, like when people sayreally hurtful things very
calmly, like it almost pisses meoff even more, cause I'm like
how fricking dare you Like it'sjust nothing for you to like

(37:26):
pummel all over me Like okay,okay.
So I experienced a lot ofisolation, which is the next
thing that can happen when youhave all this bitterness and
resentment.
And it triggered the rage.
I yelled at him.
I don't think I cussed at him,because I'm still number one,
I'm not like a person thatcusses a lot anyway but I just
went off on him and I had all ofthis rage because I was feeling

(37:50):
so frustrated with feeling like, no matter what I do, no matter
what I say, you're always goingto behave this way.
That rhymes.
I just felt like I was losingcontrol.
When you feel like when you'rein PMDD, when bitterness sets in
, you may feel like there'snothing that you can do or say
you're so frustrated because youhave no way of like controlling

(38:12):
the situation.
Like I was the nicest, sweetest, kindest person and you said
some bs like this to me, likeokay, okay, and then it started
to drain my emotional energy.
That was the next thing.
Like I was unable to cope witha lot of my normal PMDD symptoms
because I felt emotionallydrained, I was crying, I was

(38:34):
having all of these things thatI was just remembering and just
feeling helpless.
And the next thing was thephysical manifestation.
As soon as I got into the realmof the depths of the stress, the
chronic stress my musclesstarted to be tense and for me
it's my traps, which is thatmuscles between your shoulders

(38:57):
and your neck, that area whereyour bra strap goes, was
completely inflamed.
I had so much muscle tension Icould barely sleep.
I was sleeping, but then I waswaking up and not able to go
back to sleep.
And then I had fatigue when Ifinally did wake up and I felt
like I literally felt like I wasgot beat up, like I would wake

(39:18):
up in the morning, like I did areally hard workout because my
body was in such a realm ofstress and anxiety that I just I
couldn't.
My body was reacting to whatwas going on in my mind and it
was all because I had this builtup bitterness that I was just
like I can't believe, like Ikept ruminating over that.
And the next thing is thenegative thought patterns.
Like I had this pessimistic,this negative thinking again and

(39:42):
again and again.
And so I started to feel likehopeless, like, oh my gosh, I'm
never going to have anyonethat's going to love me the way
that I love.
And I felt sad that it didn'tmatter how much love that I
showed my parents, that theywere still willing to treat me
like crap and there was nothingthat I could do about it.
So I kept having that thoughtand it made me go deeper and

(40:03):
deeper into a depression.
And so then that led to thesuppressed communication.
I just broke off communication.
I blocked them.
I blocked them both, cause Iwas like they're both toxic for
me and PMDD, like I just can'thandle it in my luteal phase
because I'll even bring it totheir attention and they're
still like it's almost like theywere talking about themselves

(40:23):
and not even about me, and I wasjust like what the heck?
Like they were in their ownlittle world, like I, and so it.
It made me more sensitive toeverything that was going on
around me, anything that wasgoing on in my world.
At that time I felt like I justeverything was irritable, I was

(40:49):
super negative and that's soout of character for me.
And so I want to tell you thatmy symptoms that month, from
that one and I will tell you itonly takes one situation and
that one situation and mysymptoms were worse the whole
month.
It was like I had a flare up ofinflammation, of PMDD symptoms,
and I just remember thinkinglike I can't believe, like it
was almost, because I don't likeblaming people.

(41:10):
I can't believe, like it wasalmost because I don't like
blaming people, because I feellike when you blame people for
your symptoms and things, thenyou put the control on them to
like, regulate your symptomslike, and now it's like oh, if
you, if you're the cause, thenyou need to be the one to fix it
.
So I try to take personalresponsibility for it, like so I
was beating myself up, like howdid I allow myself to be so

(41:30):
bitter and resentful that itstole my peace in PMDD?
I was in peace.
I was on day seven and I was inpeace with things.
And then I contacted my dad andeverything went down the hole.
Then I beat myself up.
I'm like you're better thanthis.
You should be over this.
You're this age and thathappened years ago.
Why are you still talking aboutit?

(41:51):
And so I went down this hole.
And so I was like you know what?
I'm not going to allowbitterness to steal my peace in
PMDD anymore.
And so I'm going to give youthe steps of what I did to take
back my peace in PMDD when I wasexperiencing a lot of
bitterness, cause it stole itaway.
Like the bitterness which isliterally like the feeling, like

(42:12):
I can't believe they did thatto me.
I don't deserve this, all ofthese things.
And I said, you know, numberone, it was ruining my mindset.
I started thinking verynegatively about everything.
I was very pessimistic andagain, that's not my personality
.
I'm a very positive person andI know that PMDD can bring out
another personality in you, andso when you recognize that PMDD

(42:36):
is bringing out a personalitythat you don't genuinely like,
you need to focus on that, youneed to pay attention to that,
and this is what I literally saywe're not doing that anymore.
That was the mantra that I usedwhen I started to experience
bitterness and I started to holdit in and I was ruminating over
it and I said you know what?

(42:56):
We're not doing this anymoreand what I meant by we're not
holding onto this bitterness,because it's literally
controlling my mind, it'scontrolling my heart, it's
controlling how I'm interacting.
It was even controlling how Iwas interacting with my dog.
Like I'm walking with my dogand I'm like pulling the leash
because I'm freaking frustrated.
When you allow someone to getin you so much that you have
this bitterness, like you'retreating everyone else

(43:17):
differently because of what isgoing on inside of you.
And I will say, if you've goneoff on PMDD rage, what is inside
of you comes out in PMDD rage,and a lot of times it's because
you're holding a lot of thingsin and so I say I'm not holding
anything in again Like what theydid was wrong, what he said was
wrong.
I'm not giving him permissionfor anything and the ego will be

(43:42):
like they don't deserve yourforgiveness, because forgiveness
is the thing that allows you tolet go of the bitterness, but
you don't feel like they deservethe forgiveness.
So you hold onto the bitternessand you're thinking that you're
winning when you're reallylosing, because you're holding
onto something that's literallypoison and toxic to you when
you're in PMDD.
Bitterness is poison and toxicto you when you're in PMDD, and
it's not even about the otherperson A lot of people can,

(44:03):
because I know he was probablydrunk or high whenever he said
that comment, but it stuck withme and meanwhile he's going on
with his life like, but it stuckwith me and meanwhile he's
going on with his life like, andI'm over here suffering,
suffering in silence, and I waslike I had like an oh hell, no
moment, like, and I was like I'mnot holding onto this anymore,
like we're not doing thisanymore, because the bitterness
was literally stealing thelittle bit of peace that I was

(44:25):
having in PMDD.
And although he didn't deservemy forgiveness, I choose to
forgive him because it's notabout doing them a favor, like
your egos were like oh, you'redoing them a favor, you're going
to make them feel better.
Do I have to call and tell themI forgive you when someone
hasn't apologized?
No, I can forgive theminternally, within myself.
And so I had to focus on thefirst thing was the first step

(44:48):
to really getting my peace back,even though I was feeling
bitter, was focusing on lettinggo of the past hurt and creating
a space for healing,acknowledging that you know what
.
What they said was messed up,and you know what I really want
to say.
But I'm not cursing on here.
It's the Clean Podcast.
What he said was messed up.
I didn't deserve that.
I didn't do anything to deservethat, and every single time

(45:12):
that it comes up, I'm committingto forgive him for that and I'm
letting go of it.
I'm letting go of that commenteven without him saying an
apology, because one thing Iknow is hurt people, hurt people
, and for you to say somethingso nasty and so traumatizing to
me has to let me know the depthsof pain that you're in.

(45:32):
It's not even about me, becauseeverything that someone else
says has everything to do withthem and nothing to do with you.
So that's a good way to forgive, like a lot of the hurt
comments that maybe your partnerhas said or someone that you
love has said it has everythingto do with them and nothing to
do with you.
So that's the first thing I hadto do was practice forgiveness.
I had to let it go and then Ihad to heal from it.

(45:57):
It wasn't like let it go andthen nothing happened.
I had to genuinely heal and belike dang.
Like.
Healing starts withacknowledgement of how much it
hurt me, because the ego wouldbe like, oh, you're like, it
shouldn't hurt you.
No, it freaking hurt me.
It me.
For him to to blame me forsomething that he had done to
literally destroy my childhoodand my life, like I I I had my

(46:23):
ball, have my, had, have mybiological dad and my adopted
dad passed away in 2015, so hewas my only living realm of a
father.
So for him to say that it waskind of like dang, I'm like, I'm
tapped out and I had toacknowledge how deeply that hurt
me.
Not to stay in a place ofstaying stuck and to be like a

(46:47):
victim mentality and woe is me,but just acknowledging like
don't fake it.
And be like I'm fine whenyou're not really fine.
Like know that freaking hurt.
You acknowledge that it hurtyou and the next step is to get
rid of the bitterness.
Is I had to have opencommunication with myself.
I feel hurt when I felt hurtwhen he said that I'm the cause

(47:08):
of him doing drugs.
Like I had to acknowledge thatI had to start using I
statements.
It had nothing to do with youknow, a lot of times when you're
frustrated with your partner,you're like and you and you and
you.
No, it was all about me,because that's the only person
that I can control.
And I say I felt hurt when hesaid that I was the reason that
he did drugs, because I neverwant to be the reason why

(47:28):
anybody is doing anything thatis destroying themselves,
especially when I love him.
I don't even have a reason tolove him honestly Outside of him
being my biological father.
But my love is not somethingthat you have to perform for.
Like I'm not like RinglingBrothers and Barnum and Bailey
Circus.
Like I don't expect you to doall these things in order for me

(47:50):
to love you.
If I love you, I love you, Ilove all of you, and the fact
that I loved him hurt me evenmore that he would choose to
blame that on me and have metake on that burden.
And the next thing that I hadto do to really let go of that
bitterness while I was in myluteal phase and PMDD was set a
clear boundary.

(48:11):
I had to set a boundary and itprotected me and it protected
him and my emotional wellbeingand I literally said, if he's
not in a place that he cancommunicate to me in a way that
doesn't do damage, then Iblocked him and it was really
hard for me to do because I'vealways been that type of person
that likes to leave the dooropen.
Maybe you'll get a glimpse forme to do, because I've always
been that type of person thatlikes to leave the door open.

(48:32):
Maybe you'll get a glimpse ofwanting to do this, or maybe
you'll get.
I had to block him because Iknow that even when he said
things that hurt me when he cameoff of his high or he got sober
, I know it hurt him when hethought about what he said and
did and he just was not in aplace and is not in a place to
control himself, becausesometimes when he was sober, up

(48:55):
and talked to me, he'd be like,yeah, I really you know, I'm
sorry that I did Like he wouldbe beating himself up and then
again going back to doing thedrugs and numbing himself.
And so I've done this for bothof my biological parents and say
, if you're not in a place totreat me the way that I deserve
to be treated and the way that Igenuinely think that you want

(49:16):
to treat me because of the vicesand the things that you have in
your life, if you're notwilling to set that boundary,
then I'll do it for you, becauseone thing that I have to
protect and one thing that Iwill protect is my state of mind
, my mental health, how I am inmy luteal phase, because you
know who that affects mydaughter, you know who that
affects Me.
You know who that affects Allof my private clients.

(49:37):
And if you ever get me into astate where I'm not able to be
there for my daughter, be therefor myself, be there for my
private clients.
That's a problem and you needto watch out and that's a
boundary for me.
And that's moving forward withanyone that I'm dating, cause
I've been in relationships likethat where I feel like I
genuinely can't perform in thoseways because I'm dealing with

(49:57):
all the stress from oh, theysaid this and they said that,
and so now I can't, like, if youget to that point where I have
a hard time being a mom, I havea hard time being a counselor, I
have a hard time loving myself,like you're probably on your
way out, like I will not allowyou to continuously be in my
life, if you're stopping me fromdoing what I'm called to do to
help the people that I'm calledto help, to be there for my

(50:18):
daughter.
Like you're a no-go, likeyou're gone, you're gone, you're
gone, you're gone, you're gone.
So that's what I mean by havingthose boundaries.
I had to have those boundariesof saying you know what, and I'm
not saying that you'll never bein that place, but obviously
you're not there.
Now, if you're willing to saysome nasty stuff to me because
you're hurting and you're reallynot caring about how it impacts

(50:41):
me and my mental health, ifyou're not concerned with my
mental health, then how?
Like?
Okay, fine, I'm not gonna haveanyone connected to me that is
not concerned with my mentalhealth and my functionality.
Like when, once you show methat, once you show me that
we're good, we are absolutelygood, like, and by good that
means gone, like you're goneBecause if I bring it to your

(51:05):
attention and you're still likemaking excuses and you're like
oh well, okay, great, if you'renot ready to do it, you're not
ready to do it.
So the next way that you canget rid of that bitterness is
having some conflict resolutionskills.
When you are wanting to releasea lot of bitterness because of
things that your partner hassaid and done, you need to be in

(51:26):
a place where you're like okay,how can we move forward from
this?
If you are dealing with thatsituation with your partner,
where they've said and donethings and you're continuously
talking about it, you need to belike okay, but how can we move
forward from this?
How can this look differently?
Because then when you startworking on moving forward and
not having these same patternsrepeat, then you're going to get

(51:48):
to a point where you're goingto release the bitterness
because it's like okay, at leastwe're doing something about it.
When you're not doing anythingabout the hurtful behavior
that's happened in the past,you're still going to be bitter
because you think it's going tohappen again.
So until you start lookingforward and like what is the
vision of us looking for likemoving forward.
What does this look like?

(52:09):
Move forward, like we made thismistake.
I forgive you, because nobody'sperfect, like that's the thing
with any of my relationships.
I'm never expecting anyone tobe perfect.
I'm never expecting that you'renever going to slip up, that
you're never going to say or doanything once in a while.
Number one I don't do patternsof that.
If you have a pattern ofhurting me and you're not trying
to do anything about it, you'regone.
That's my boundary becauseyou're not trying to do anything

(52:31):
about it.
But if you're in that place ofbeing like I really want to do
better, I'm going to work withyou.
I've never ended a relationshipbecause just someone's made a
mistake.
I've ended relationshipsbecause I've mentioned the
mistake, we brought up themistake, we've addressed it and
you've literally said thatyou're not willing to do what it
takes to move forward in adifferent direction.
That's the only reason thatI've ended both of my marriages

(52:51):
and any other kind of datingrelationship that I've had.
I'm like, hey, this is aproblem.
Do you agree that this is aproblem?
Yeah, it's a problem.
I don't like it.
You don't like it.
Are you willing to stay how youare.
You want to continue to do whatyou're doing?
I'm not going to stop you.
You're just not going to haveaccess to me.

(53:12):
That's it.
I'm not convincing anyone to bea certain way, but I'm saying,
in order to have access to me,you need to be willing to do the
work.
If something is causing damageto our mental health, like hello
, we have other responsibilities, we have kids, we have lives,
we have all these things.
And if I'm literally tellingyou that the things that you're
doing or saying are the thingsthat are happening in our

(53:32):
connection, in our relationship,are damaging other aspects of
my life or damaging myrelationship with myself, and
you're not willing to doanything about it, okay, I'm not
going to fight you, I'm notgoing to convince you, I'm not
going to tell you 10 reasons whyyou should do it.
If you're not willing to do it,that's it.
And you know, what I've had inthis month of January is a lot
of partners actually get whichis my next one.

(53:53):
When you are wanting to releasethe bitterness, you have to
process it, and a lot ofprocessing happens through
counseling, and I've had a lotof partners actually get
packages for their partners todeal with a lot of things that
have happened in their PMDDrelationship, to navigate those
unresolved issues, those thingsthat are like the past trauma,
the past events.
Because if you're trying tomove forward and you haven't

(54:15):
addressed the things that havehappened, they're always going
to come up.
They're always going to be likethis big shadow going over the
head and there's a lot ofbitterness, and so they might go
through the motions for acouple months or a couple weeks,
but they're still thinkingabout things that you've said
and done to them or thinkingabout things that have been said
and done in the relationship,even if it has to do with things
that they've said and done.
So a lot of that is processinga lot of unresolved trauma in

(54:37):
the relationship that hashappened.
And I know, if you're in arelationship with PMDD, that
there's been a lot of pasttrauma.
For me it's past trauma withthe relationship and then also
past trauma.
For me it's past trauma withthe relationship and then also
past trauma in my childhood.
Whatever is coming up in yourPMDD relationship, you need to
process that before you can moveforward and have a fresh start
in your PMDD relationship.
Nothing is going to change withyour partner if you still have

(54:58):
this bitterness, this resentment, this unforgiveness, and if
that's something that you knowthat you need help with, then go
to inlovewithpmddcom, go to thelink in the show notes and get
those PMDD relationship resetsessions where you're really
addressing a lot of the thingsthat have happened, because for
me I couldn't move forward witheven setting boundaries or being
okay with setting boundaries,or making the next step or doing

(55:20):
anything, until I reallyprocessed what was going on with
my biological parents and myadopted parents.
Like I had to go to counseling.
I'm a counselor and I have acounselor and I had to process a
lot of my childhood traumabecause it was impacting other
areas of my life.
And it was kind of thissituation where it's like do I
want to continue my life withthis same issue going on over my

(55:43):
head again and again and againBecause it doesn't go anywhere.
It's like going in a circlewhere you're having the same
thoughts, the same fights, thesame arguments, the same
feelings, the same feelings ofrejection, the same feelings of
not being loved and adored andcherished the way that you know
that you deserve and you can't.
You're like I can't quite putmy finger on why it's not
happening and I didn't want tostay in that pattern because
you're wasting time, you and Ididn't want to stay in that

(56:03):
pattern because you're wastingtime, you're wasting energy,
you're pouring out of yourselfbut you're not getting poured
back into you, and so I had totake the time to get the help
and I had to invest in that, andit wasn't something that was
going to automatically happen.
It wasn't something that Iexpected to do on my own,
because hindsight is 20-20.
I can counsel so many people,but I cannot counsel myself.

(56:24):
I can counsel so many people,but I cannot counsel myself.
I can do certain actions tomake sure, and I do, and I do my
PMDD morning routine and I havethese rituals and these weekly
check-ins with myself and Ijournal.
But there's certain things thatI needed an outside entity to
really speak, literally hear meout and then speak life into me,
and I've invested in that.
I have about three people in mylife consistently that I'm

(56:45):
investing in on a weekly basisto make sure that they're
pouring into me, so that itdoesn't impact me pouring into
you.
And if I didn't have thosepeople in three different areas
of my life, one of them beingchildhood trauma, I would not be
able to be here and do what Ido, because PMDD would rob me of
my peace, because I would haveso much bitterness, so much
resentment and can you imagineLike you don't even know the

(57:08):
full extent of my childhood.
There's no reason why Ishouldn't be bitter.
I had my biological familyabandon me, give me up.
I had my adopted family abuseme, choose me and then abuse me.
And then I had one husband thatcompletely deceived me, lied to

(57:28):
me, cheated, not cheated, okay,not cheated Stole from me,
stole from me Like cheated, as aform of like betrayal, not with
another woman.
There's a whole story on theend of that.
And then I had another ex thatdid a whole bunch of other
things that I just I'm stilltrying to wrap my head around
like naming, but I've literallyhad people consistently do me

(57:51):
wrong.
There's no reason why I shouldhave joy, there's no reason why
I should have peace, there's noreason why I shouldn't be bitter
.
But I had to release thatbecause otherwise you would.
You would literally see acompletely different version of
me.
I would be this pessimisticperson, I wouldn't be so
negative and PMDD like, oh,everything sucks and I'm the

(58:11):
opposite of that.
I'm the antithesis of that.
I have so much joy, I have somuch peace, but I have to like
shake this off of me.
I have to release this andevery single time I will tell
you, every single time I go intoPMDD, there is something that
someone has done to me in thepast that comes up, because PMDD
likes to use the things thathave happened to us in the past
to make us suffer.
And I have to immediatelyforgive and I have to go through

(58:34):
these rituals and this processto get it off of me, because it
is so heavy and it's so validthat it almost tricks you into
feeling like I should be, Ishould be bitter, I should be
resentful, like they don'tdeserve my forgiveness.
I shouldn't forgive them and Iimmediately forgive them again.
Immediately forgive them again.
I'm forgiving for me, not foryou.
You don't deserve myforgiveness, but I'm not going

(58:56):
to let you steal my peace inPMDD.
I am in charge of the life thatI live, regardless of what
you've done to me.
That's what I want you tojournal.
If you're a journaler, ifyou're taking notes, say that
mantra I'm in charge of the lifethat I live, regardless of what
you've done to me.
There's nothing that you can doto me to steal my peace in PMDD
.
There's nothing that you can doto me to steal my peace in PMDD

(59:17):
, like there's nothing, there'snothing.
You want to treat me like crap.
You want to say I'm doing it.
Okay, fine, fine, you can be inthat space.
I'm not joining you, I don'twant to go to that party.
Have you ever gotten aninvitation to something?
And it's like something thatyou really don't want to do and
you're like, oh, I guess I haveto do it.
Say no, say no to the pityparty and PMDD.

(59:38):
You want to talk about how crapour relationship is or how much
you don't like it?
Okay, well, that's fine.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not defending myself.
I remember being in that placewith my ex, where it's like if
you want to call me the bad guy,you can call me the bad guy.
I'm not doing this because I'veseen where it's taken me down
this rabbit hole of negativity.
I'm not going there.

(59:58):
It's not enjoyable for me, it'snot pretty for me, I don't feel
good there.
And why invest in somethingthat doesn't make me feel good?
Why are you investing insomething that you already know
what the outcome is?
You're going to start talkingabout past situation.
You're going to talk about yourside.
They're going to talk abouttheir side.
No one is listening.
No one's listening to eachother when you guys are doing
that, by the way, that's why Ilove when you come on private

(01:00:21):
sessions and I'm able to mediatethe conversations, because when
you're doing them on your own,nobody's listening.
They're just waiting for theiropportunity to talk.
You're yelling and screaming,you're getting more irritated,
you're getting more agitated.
You're saying and doing thingsthat you regret later on, that
your partner really doesn'tdeserve, that you really don't
deserve.
Your nervous system is out ofwhack.
You're creating other diseasesin your body because your immune

(01:00:44):
system is so low, because it'sfighting off this aggression and
this bitterness and thisresentment and this
unforgiveness.
Do you know that you canliterally make yourself sick by
being bitter and resentful?
By holding onto that bitternessand resentment, you're
literally making yourself sick,like your immune system is so
low that any disease that startsto come into your body, it
doesn't have the energy to fightit off.

(01:01:05):
It doesn't have the energy.
It's just like I guess we'regoing down.
Stress is the number one causeof every single disorder that
people have.
A lot of times they're thinkingthat, oh, this is hereditary.
No, it's the lifestyle thatyou're choosing to live because
you're allowing stress into it.
And so when you mix stress andPMDD and you're having this
bitterness and resentment andunforgiveness, you're leaving

(01:01:26):
yourself open to a lot of otherBS that you don't really want to
experience.
But because you're holding ontothis bitterness and your flesh
is wanting to hold onto it, likeyeah, I just feel like they
deserve for me to give them thesilent treatment.
You're not even enjoying givingthem the silent treatment,
because you're thinking aboutall the things that you want to
say but you're not saying.
But you feel like they don'tdeserve for you to even have a

(01:01:46):
conversation with them.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stopit.
Release the bitterness, have aconversation.
Because guess what, if you'regoing to still be with the
person, like, what are we doing?
I can see.
If you're saying I'm going toleave this person, I'm not going
to be with this person, I wantto amicably split this up, but
you're choosing to live and staywith the person that you have
bitterness and resentmenttowards, but you're staying

(01:02:07):
around them.
If you're not willing to getout of the situation, why are
you staying in the situationwhile being bitter and resentful
, just so they can see you walkaround not talking to them.
You're going to walk past theliving room and not have eye
contact with somebody thatyou're living with.
You're going to go do somethingand talk to the kids and not
talk to your partner.
Stop it, it's childish and youdon't feel good about it.

(01:02:32):
I could see if you felt goodabout it, like the only way you
could feel good about it is theego.
It's like yeah, yeah, yeah, butthat's how you know, it's the
ego.
The ego will leave you in thedust.
When you're feeling like you'reneeding affection, attention,
love, adoration all of thethings that are needed in a
relationship, especially in aPMDD relationship, guess who's
not going to be there to give itto you because you've been
walking around like you don'tsee them all day.

(01:02:52):
Your partner, but you felt goodabout it.
But then when you go to crawlto the bed at night and you're
wanting affection, attention,intimacy, and they turn their
back to you, and then that'sbeen your life.
That's been your life Justgetting in the bed, turning your
back towards each other,setting the alarm, turning the
lights off, grabbing your phone,scrolling on social media when

(01:03:13):
you have a whole human beingthat you love and adore right
next to you, but you're choosingto spend time on your phone
instead of spending time withthe person that you're
supposedly love.
But then you're postingpictures on social media like
you're the perfect couple butyou're barely talking to each
other at night because you haveall of this bitterness, this
resentment and unforgiveness.
That was one of the reasons whyI cut my mom off, because she

(01:03:35):
was like send me these picturesof you and your daughter and all
these things and then she wouldpost them on social media Like
we were all one big, happyfamily and she barely even
talked to me.
I refuse to be a result of afacade just to make you feel
better, like.
No, it is what it is Like.
If you're choosing to hold onto this, if you're choosing to

(01:03:56):
treat me that way and I'mfeeling bitter and resentful I'm
gonna clear my space.
I'm gonna take responsibilityfor what I've taken
responsibility for Number one,allowing you into my space, in
my life and my mind and my heart, and number two, the impact
that that has had on me.
I'm not even putting it on you.
I'm not asking you for anapology.
I'm not asking you forforgiveness, I'm not asking you
for anything.

(01:04:16):
I'm creating the space and thenI'm going to work on me and
that's what I've had to do.
I've created the space with allof my exes, with all of my
maternal relationships, andthey've all done something and
I'm pretty sure I've done thingsto them and their perception.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'mnot saying whatever.
I am saying my intentions arepure and if they ever came to me

(01:04:38):
and said, hey, in order to makethis relationship better, would
you be willing to do this?
I absolutely would do it.
Has that been asked to me?
Absolutely not.
But I am saying I've given abillion chances, I've given a
billion opportunities and atsome point you have to face
reality and I will say, withevery relationship that I've had

(01:04:58):
to kind of you know, departfrom or set boundaries with,
I've had a like, a.
So if you're in this thing andyou're like I need to set these
boundaries, have a finalconversation or have another
conversation with your partner,with your family member, and say
, hey, I think we really need towork on this and see if they're
willing.
If they're willing to work onit, then please, please, please,
work on it.
Do not throw away arelationship because you're like

(01:05:20):
oh, I came to this epiphany andyou're not even communicating
what it is that you're wantingand needing moving forward, like
in order for this relationshipto work.
This is what I need.
Are you willing to do that?
That's the best way to fix anyrelationship, or to see if
someone is actually willing tomake it work.
Hey, in order to fix our PMDDrelationship, I've noticed that
PMDD is the issue and like socan we have sessions with Dr

(01:05:41):
Rose to really work on thethings that are happening?
That is causing us to befighting and arguing and feeling
not connected.
If they're like yes, then workon it.
If they're like no, and theygive excuses and oh, I think we
could DIY it, we could do itourselves.
You have your answer.
Am I telling you that you needto break up with them?
No, but I'm saying you have ananswer because it does take

(01:06:04):
effort, it does take work.
If my biological family wouldhave told me, yes, I'm willing,
we would have had to dig andstart going back through
childhood and working.
And the same thing with yourrelationship.
When I have these privatesessions, like, you have to work
through it.
It's not something that's likea magic, like, oh, I made a
decision that I want to workthrough it, like I've seen so
many partners that are saying,or sufferers, both of them that

(01:06:28):
are like, yeah, I want to workon it, and then nobody does
anything.
And guess what?
Nothing changes if nothingchanges.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
go to inlovewithpmddcom, go tothe link in the show notes and
until next episode, we got this.
Get rid of the bitterness, getrid of the unforgiveness.
Move forward for you.