February 13, 2025 • 30 mins
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say “no” to others. It's about learning to say "yes" to self. It’s about rediscovering who you are beneath all the over-giving, boundary-blurring, and self-sacrificing. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking that if we just give enough—if we’re kind enough, accommodating enough—others will eventually do the same for us. But instead of building mutual respect, this pattern often leads to exhaustion, resentment, and one-sided relationships. The good news? You can break free. The journey isn’t always easy, but by moving through these three key stages—recognizing your people-pleasing tendencies, seeing the injustices in your relationships, and stepping into your healed, boundaried self—you’ll start showing up in a way that honors you.
Stage 1: The People-Pleaser
This is where we put everyone else first, hoping that if we accommodate their needs, they’ll eventually accommodate ours. We tell ourselves that being “nice” means making excuses for their lack of effort, justifying their behavior, and minimizing our own needs. But over time, we realize that this isn’t kindness—it’s self-abandonment. And instead of fostering connection, it just keeps us stuck in a cycle of over-giving while the other person gets comfortable taking. Eventually, the burnout and resentment creep in, signaling that something has to change.
Stage 2: Recognizing Injustice
This is when the blinders come off. We start seeing the imbalance in our relationships—not as a misunderstanding, but as an injustice. We realize just how much we’ve been pouring into others while getting very little in return. And what’s worse? They’ve come to expect it. This stage can be painful because, once we see the truth, we can’t unsee it. But it’s also empowering because anger, grief, and frustration—while uncomfortable—are often the very things needed to push us toward change.
Stage 3: The Healed & Boundaried Self
Here’s where things shift. Instead of managing other people’s emotions, we start managing our own. We take responsibility for our needs, our limits, and our well-being. And yes, this means setting boundaries—even when it makes others uncomfortable. Not everyone will like the new, boundaried you, but that’s okay. The people who truly care about you will adjust, and those who don’t? Well, now you have clarity on where to invest your energy. The more you practice standing in your truth, the more you attract relationships that honor and respect you as much as you respect yourself.
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or unkind—it’s about loving yourself enough to stop overextending for people who won’t do the same for you. It’s about realizing that your worth isn’t tied to how much you give, but to who you are. And yes, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. But you know what’s even more uncomfortable? Staying stuck in relationships where you’re undervalued. True healing happens when we stop looking for external validation and start building our self-worth from within.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers and thepeople pleasers.
And I'm really excited abouttoday's episode because when
you've been coaching for as longas I have, it's really easy to
make the false assumption thatyou've addressed something.
When the truth is you have notmaybe addressed it as explicitly
as you thought.
(00:21):
So I often have theserealizations when I'm on a
coaching call and I realized,oh, I haven't actually explained
this in the way that I wouldlike.
So today we're going to betalking about the three stages
of people pleasing and how theyshow up for you.
Now, just know that with each ofthese stages, there's going to
be some ways that the stage isgoing to make you feel
comfortable.
And then some ways that thestage is going to make you feel
uncomfortable.
(00:41):
The goal for today is torecognize where you're at from a
guilt-free andself-compassionate space.
Right?
I don't want you to be guiltingor shaming yourself thinking,
well, I should be somewhere elseor I can't believe I'm here.
I just want you to be curiouslyand compassionately aware of
where you are.
So that you can just be morehonest with yourself about where
you're at and come up with amore clear plan moving forward.
There is going to be comfort anddiscomfort in every stage.
(01:04):
And generally speaking, it'swhen we're moving from one stage
to the next that's, when we'regoing to be experiencing the
most discomfort.
These are just growing pains.
Okay.
They do not mean that you're offtrack.
They actually mean that you areon track.
So let's kind of just break thisdown.
So stage one is the peoplepleaser.
And this is the stage where weare highly accommodating of
(01:25):
other people.
Often at our own expense.
So in this stage, we areprioritizing the emotions and
the needs of other people aboveour own.
And we do so because we'rebelieving that this will make
other people happy and byextension, it will make us happy
if we treat them well, they willtreat us well and all will be
well.
Right?
(01:45):
And we have the belief that thiswill bring us peace and security
and acceptance when we're peoplepleasing.
At this stage, then we'reoperating under a unspoken and
self-imposed contract whereessentially we're thinking, if I
do this for them, then they'llstart to show up for me in the
ways that I need.
But these silent agreements,they're often one sided.
(02:06):
And that means that usuallythey're not going to be creating
the reciprocation that we'relooking for.
They aren't going to show up forus.
So here's some common phrasesthat you might hear yourself
saying, or that you might hearother people saying if they're
deeply rooted in stage one,people pleasing.
And as I share these, I'm alsogoing to be sharing some of the
hidden beliefs that are drivingthem.
So some of these hidden beliefs,I say they're hidden beliefs
(02:28):
because we might not beconsciously aware of them.
More than likely.
Depending on how close you areto stage two, you might just be
believing these thingssubconsciously and have no idea
how it is that they're impactingyou in your day to day life.
You might have the belief thatno, this is just what I'm
supposed to do for other people.
There's no secret ulteriormotive.
And then as you move on and getcloser to stage two, you might
(02:49):
start to realize that, oh, but Ialso have needs, but we'll get
into that in just a minute.
So first, some of the thoughtsthat you might be sharing, you
might hear other people saying,oh, well, it's no problem at
all.
They might be saying that, butunderneath, they might be
thinking.
Well, if I say, no, they're notgoing to like me anymore.
They're saying it throughself-preservation.
(03:11):
Okay.
Number two.
Oh, whatever works for you.
It sounds great, that's justfine.
Now.
All of this, it sounds reallygood on the surface, but
underneath, they might bethinking.
Well, my needs aren't asimportant as theirs.
And so I just need to selfsacrifice because my needs are
less valid in some way.
All right.
Number three, they might besaying, oh, it's okay.
(03:31):
I'll take care of it.
No big deal.
Whereas underneath they might bethinking, okay, well, if I
handle everything, then maybeI'll be seen as valuable and
needed.
And they'll actually see mycontribution and see my worth.
It's all about proving self toself, essentially.
All right.
Number four.
Well, I just want everybody tobe happy.
(03:51):
This again, sounds so good onthe surface, right?
But they might have that hiddenbelief that, well, if everybody
else is happy, Then maybethey'll start to accept me.
And do things to make me happy.
All right.
Number five.
Oh, I don't mind staying up lateto help.
Again, it sounds veryaccommodating, it sounds very
positive and people might belike, oh, that's wonderful that
(04:14):
they're willing to stay up lateto help out, but underneath, and
there might be a hidden beliefthat, well, maybe if I go above
and beyond, then they'll startto appreciate me.
And maybe they'll start toinclude me more and not leave me
out as much.
I just need to be there.
All right.
Number six.
Oh, I totally understand whyyou're doing this.
I totally understand why you'renot accommodating me.
(04:35):
I totally understand why you'renot available when I'm asking
you for help and support.
Now you might be saying thesethings, even if you really have
no idea and you cannot possiblyunderstand why they're choosing
to not reciprocate.
You're going to be saying outloud.
Oh no, I totally understand.
Oh, it's fine.
I know that you can'taccommodate me.
But essentially this is comingfrom the hidden belief that,
(04:55):
well, I just hope that they'llcome to accept me.
It might also come from thethought that, well, it's okay
for them to say no, but it's notokay for me to say no.
We already know that we're goingto love and accept them no
matter what.
But the part that we'requestioning is if they will love
and accept us if we ask the sameof them.
All right.
Number seven.
No, let's just keep the peace.
(05:15):
It's no big deal.
I just want to keep the peace.
This one is extremely common.
We think, oh no, it's justbetter for me to keep the peace.
I don't want to be the one thatstirs up conflict.
That would be horrible.
I don't want to be that person.
But underneath, they might bethinking.
Jeez, like conflict is scary.
And it's just better to avoidit.
It's safer for me to not givevoice to what it is that I'm
(05:38):
thinking and feeling right now.
It's just safer to not state aboundary.
And if I feel safer, then I'llfeel better.
Right.
And this kind of gives us theimpression that something is in
my control, because if we're notspeaking up.
And we're experiencing asituation where we feel like
everything is out of ourcontrol.
Then us choosing to keep thepeace to remain silent.
That's basically the only thingthat we have is in our control.
(06:00):
Right.
So it creates this false senseof control over situations that
are out of our control.
All right.
Number eight.
Oh, I really don't have anypreference.
This might be where you're goingto go to eat what movie you're
going to see.
It could be anything.
And when you're saying this outloud, you might be thinking,
well, maybe if I'm highlyaccommodating of them, then
(06:21):
they'll start to insist that Iwill get what I want next time.
Right.
We have this silent contract inour head that somehow this will
come back to serve us.
Now, oftentimes in my practice,if somebody is telling me that
they don't have a preference onsomething.
They might even say, well, no, Idon't know.
I don't know what I want.
And they're telling me this forone of two reasons.
(06:41):
Either.
They actually don't know what itis that they like, because
they've spent so much of theirlife accommodating other people
that they've never worked todevelop that part of self.
Or they think that, well, if Ijust tell him, like I have no
preference, then maybeeventually they'll insist that I
get my way and oh no, no.
I insist.
I decided last time where wewent to eat, you get to choose
(07:02):
and then they'll finally have anopportunity.
To voice their opinion, butessentially they need the other
person to insist that they doit.
Right, now if you're the firstperson where you're kind of
thinking, no, I really honestlyhave no preference.
I don't even know what I want.
I know I've referenced it hereon the podcast before, but I
love the scene in runaway bride.
When the news reporter sits downwith her and makes her every
(07:23):
kind of eggs and I get it, thismight be an expensive experiment
these days.
But he makes her eggs in all theways.
And has her sit down and tryeggs so that she can determine
for herself how she likes hereggs.
So it might just be anunderdeveloped muscle for you.
I encourage you to take sometime to figure out what it is
that you do and don't like, sothat when you are presented with
(07:45):
an opportunity to make youropinion known, you'll have an
opinion to share.
Now for the other people thatare saying well, I'm just really
hoping that they'll insistagain, it's an underdeveloped
muscle.
Practice leaning into thatdiscomfort practice actually
stating your opinion.
No, that the worst case scenariois that they'll say no.
Right?
I know that for me personally, Ihad one friend that anytime we
(08:07):
went out, I knew she did notwant to go to my favorite
restaurant.
And I just decided for myselfthat's okay.
When she asks me where I want togo, even though I want to go to
my favorite restaurant becauseit's human nature to want to go
to your favorite restaurant.
I can know that, okay, I can goand eat there with other people,
but when it's with her, I'mgoing to suggest some other
things that I know are thingsthat she would also enjoy.
(08:29):
But, but I can still vocalize myopinion.
Right.
I can still make it known that.
Oh yeah, sure.
I would, you know, even thoughthai my absolute favorite.
I could say, oh yeah, sure,mexican is great.
I am okay with Mexican.
But it's coming from a differentplace.
It's not coming from me beingresentful that we aren't going
out for Thai food, but insteadbe having a heart of peace of
okay, I can know and understandand appreciate that she doesn't
(08:52):
like Thai food.
And I can find things that Ilike at the local Mexican
restaurant.
Right.
So being open to that.
So as I'm sharing thesedifferent thoughts, be a curious
observer of your own thoughts.
Notice if any of those stood outfor you.
And just kind of bring it intoyour conscious awareness.
When you find that you arepeople pleasing, ask yourself
why.
(09:12):
Ask yourself what is coming upfor you?
And see if you can get to alittle bit of a deeper level
there.
Now a lot of these statements,then they're revealing a pattern
of self sacrifice where thepeople pleaser is continuously
suppressing their own wants,needs, and desires often without
realizing it.
Now the problem with this isthat this stage, it does create
(09:33):
that false sense of security.
The belief that making otherpeople happy will guarantee our
own happiness, it keeps us stuckin a very exhausting cycle.
Like I said, you cannot live offof breadcrumbs.
And over time, this leaves usfeeling drained, resentful, and
burned out.
And not only that, but peoplepleasers, they make their
wellbeing conditional uponothers.
(09:55):
So essentially they're assumingthat they can control how others
feel, but really that issomething completely out of our
control.
And we think if I can controlhow they show up, then I will
feel better inside of me.
But often these people pleasersfind themselves in relationship
with people where they have nointention of reciprocating, the
relationship is working forthem.
So they're not super motivatedto change.
(10:16):
So they may or may not show upin the way that you would like.
And the goal is to figure outhow to get your needs met and
choose into the relationshipsthat are going to be able to be
mutually fulfilling.
People pleasers tend to stay inthis stage of the people
pleasing recovery cycle, becausethey're convincing themselves
that, well, maybe if I just tryharder, maybe if I just try a
(10:37):
different way, maybe then I'llstart to get the validation or
the acknowledgement or the loveor the affection that I'm
actually craving right now.
But instead of fulfillment, thenoftentimes they end up feeling
very emotionally depleted.
They feel like they'reconstantly walking on eggshells.
They feel like they'reconstantly guessing at what
buttons to push in order tofinally get the reward.
(10:58):
So it can be very disorientingin this stage because everything
is conditional upon externalfactors for how it is that we
are feeling internally.
And let's be honest.
It is super exhausting whenyou're exerting so much energy
into trying to control thingsthat are out of your control.
No wonder you're feelingdrained.
So that is stage one.
Okay.
(11:19):
And now we're going to jump intostage two, which is waking up to
the injustice.
Now while stage one can be superexhausting, stage two can feel
pretty uncomfortable for peoplepleasers.
Because they're just now beingfaced with all of the
injustices, many of which havebeen self-created.
So they have essentially spenttheir entire life fine tuning
(11:40):
their ability to read otherpeople, to anticipate their
reactions, to adapt to differentsituations, to keep the peace.
And this has felt safe andpredictable.
Until now.
So now they're entering intophase two.
And when it comes to phase two,now they're really coming to
terms with this big wake up callof, oh, this is not working for
me.
Right.
(12:01):
So suddenly they're starting tosee the imbalances that they
themselves have created theirrelationships.
They're starting to notice howit is that they've shown up for
other people only to be met withsilence when they are in need of
support.
And so essentially what happensis they're entering into stage
two recognizing that thisinjustice has finally reached a
(12:22):
point where I can no longerignore it.
I could kind of shrug it offbefore and be like, oh, it's not
a big deal.
They're just maybe having arough day.
I was making excuses for otherpeople.
I cannot make excuses for themanymore.
That is stepping into that stagetwo injustice energy.
It's recognizing that this isn'tworking for you.
So I want to share a few of thecommon realizations that emerged
(12:43):
from the stage.
So in this stage, you might bethinking thoughts like, oh, It
looks like I was just valued forwhat I could do for them and not
for who I am.
My kindness was taken forgranted while other people made
very little effort toreciprocate.
When I finally expressed myneeds, I felt dismissed.
And like my voice didn't matter.
(13:05):
I was expected to be endlesslyunderstanding.
While other people were free toset boundaries without guilt and
not only without guilt, butsometimes even made me feel
guilty.
When I set a boundary.
That's not fair.
People who constantly take, theyrarely stop to check in if the
givers okay, because they'dnever had to, others seem to
(13:27):
operate by a different set ofrules, right.
Where their needs always comefirst.
And so maybe recognizing, well,I'm apologizing for things that
weren't even my fault.
In an effort to keep the peaceand they were never actually
taking any of the accountabilityfor the problems in the
relationship.
So essentially it's like, youboth have a rule book now where
historically you have both inyour rule book put their needs
(13:51):
first and neglected your ownneeds.
And so coming to terms with thatfact that, oh, I signed up for
this, I signed up to take ontheir rule book and now I need
to kind of rewrite this.
Right.
So that's the empowering part isyes.
Maybe some of these things werethings that you signed up for in
the beginning.
And also, you can always changeyour mind.
(14:13):
You are free to change yourmind, and once you're able to
see and recognize the injusticeshappening, that's what's going
to help power and motivate thatchange.
It's a recognizing I'm feelingreally uncomfortable right now
and something needs to changebecause this isn't sustainable
for me.
Now this stage, it really canbring up a whole whirlwind of
(14:35):
emotions.
So at this stage, then you mightactually be experiencing some
anger, grief, exhaustion, oreven self doubt and insecurity.
Many of my clients when theyreach this point, it's really,
really uncomfortable for themand they might start to question
if the changes that they'remaking are worth it.
Because they're trying to dothings that they've never done
(14:55):
before.
Right.
So it is deeply unsettling.
They might start asking a lot ofquestions to see if they're
actually on the right path,because they might be wondering,
okay, well, am I just beingselfish?
Is this a me problem?
Am I the one that has createdthis mess?
But here's the thing is when youhit the injustice stage, when
you start to see theseinjustices, you can't help, but
(15:16):
call them out.
You can't help but address it.
It's kind of like in the wizardof Oz, once you see the man
behind the curtain, That's allyou can see, Once you have seen
the injustice, you can't unseeit..
And at this stage, then theymight actually be believing the
stories that everybody else hasbeen telling them that, that,
no, it's your fault.
No, I can't believe that youlook behind the curtain.
(15:37):
No, you needed to just go backto where you were, right.
It was working for them.
And this starts to create thatself doubt where they might be
asking themselves, well, am Ibeing selfish?
Am I just not doing it right.
Should I just try harder?
There's a lot of guilt.
And there's a lot of self blamein this stage, and that is
completely normal.
(15:57):
It is normal for you to feeluncomfortable in this stage.
And it is not a sign thatsomething is wrong.
It is actually a sign thatgrowth is happening.
It is a good thing to be in thisstage, even though it's
uncomfortable.
It's really uncomfortablebecause we're finally being met
with what it is that we'vecreated.
And that's always uncomfortableto face that.
Right.
But it is a sign of growth whenyou are experiencing that
(16:18):
discomfort.
This discomfort means that thestatus quo is no longer working
for you and that something needsto change.
It is recognizing the imbalance.
So it can be corrected.
Without experiencing this deepsense of injustice than many
people, they would just remainstuck in that same cycle of
stage one, where they keeptrying to hit the button and get
the reward.
(16:38):
But they're just not feelingfulfilled.
Stage two is necessary.
They would be stuck in stage oneindefinitely without this big
wake-up call.
And they would be foreverconfused about, well, I just
don't know why my needs aren'tbeing met because I'm doing all
of the things.
Right.
I'm making everybody happy.
So they should be doing the samefor me.
I don't know why I'm feeling sodepleted because it should be
(16:59):
making me feel amazing inside.
Right.
So they're going to be tellingthemselves those stories.
But they're not actually takingaction when they're in stage one
and once they experienced enoughinjustices, then that's going to
trigger that change.
And that will lead to creatingmore balanced and supportive
relationships.
So we need the injustice stage.
It is a natural part of personaldevelopment.
(17:23):
So reflect when you are in thestage, start to self reflect,
you can actually start toreflect on what it is.
I need to change this moment.
Right.
It's bringing in thatself-awareness so asking
questions about what is it thatI need right now?
What is this emotion here toteach me?
How can I create change?
What steps can I take today toreclaim my power, to reclaim my
(17:43):
own wellbeing, to be more incontrol of my emotions and my
own personal wellbeing?
So, this is where the discomfortactually really deepens a little
bit, because this is when thereal work begins in this stage
then you start to do things thatyou've never done before.
So, yeah, of course you feeluncomfortable.
This is all new.
You have never set boundariesbefore you have never vocalized
(18:04):
your own opinion.
You haven't even taken the timeto identify what your opinion
is.
You've never made a request ofanother person and you might not
have ever told anybody"no." Andthis really is putting you a
little bit at risk, right?
Because maybe they won't likeit.
Maybe they will be disappointedbecause you've never said no
before.
This is new for everybody.
(18:25):
So, let me remind you that.
Yeah, you've never said nobefore up until this point,
because the risk ofdisappointing others was greater
than the risk of disappointingyourself.
So once you recognize theinjustice, then you're able to
see that, oh, wait a second.
No, that's not fair for me toprioritize everyone else over me
because my needs are at least asvalid as the next person's.
(18:48):
So notice if you find yourselfthinking thoughts like, oh, I
can't believe I let it go thisfar.
I feel so taken advantage ofwhat is wrong with me.
Why didn't I see this sooner?
How could I been so blind?
Why did I let them treat me thatway for so long?
These thoughts are painfulbecause they're challenging the
foundation that you've builtyour whole identity on.
And this discomfort is actuallya beautiful and significant sign
(19:12):
that you are stepping into phasetwo or stage.
two, a people pleaser recovery.
Also in the stage, notice thatthere may be some fear coming
up.
So maybe there's some feararound, well, if I assert
myself, then it's going to makeme less lovable.
I'll be alone.
Or maybe you're thinking.
I should've just known better.
Then you're blaming yourself fornot recognizing the imbalanced
(19:33):
sooner, even though you weredoing the best that you could
with the tools that you had atthe time, or maybe you're
thinking, well, maybe this isjust how relationships work.
It should be fine.
I should just accept it.
This means that you may bedoubting your own judgment.
You're doubting your ownexperience when you're
recognizing these injustices.
So after years of beingconditioned to accept one sided
dynamics as normal, then maybeyou're thinking, well, maybe I'm
(19:55):
just being selfish and thenequating self-care with
selfishness, because essentiallyyou were taught that your worth
is tied to how much you have togive, rather than who you are.
Or maybe you're thinking, well,I just don't know who I am
without people pleasing I'mprobably going to become a
really obnoxious bratty, snottyperson I'm going to become so
selfish.
So, no, it's the nice thing todo to be a people pleaser.
(20:18):
This is more common than youthink, but I just want you to
know you're not going to turninto some like mega beast that
is super-duper selfish.
There's a difference betweensetting boundaries and seeking
out these balanced reciprocalrelationships and becoming a big
fat jerk.
And my listeners, I'm tellingyou what, has ever turned into a
big fat jerk.
So, yes, there's some discomforthere.
(20:39):
It might mean accepting thatsome people just won't like the
new you.
Because they actually benefitedfrom your silence and your
people pleasing.
But it also means reclaimingyourself and that is always
worth it.
So if you are in stage two, tryasking yourself, okay.
What is right about the factthat I'm seeing this right now?
What do I deserve movingforward?
(21:00):
How can I start choosing metoday?
This discomfort is not yourenemy, but it is a compass
pointing you towards the lifethat is more balanced and
supportive for you.
Your voice matters just as muchas everyone else's.
And that's going to lead intostage three.
This is where it's more healthy,more balanced and boundaried.
(21:20):
Um, so we're going to.
Refer to this as like thehealthy ego stage.
Okay.
So the healthy ego, once we'vereally wrestled with the
injustice of our situation.
Then we can finally step intocreating that lasting change for
self.
This is the stage where we sethealthy boundaries, where we
voice our opinions, where we say"no", when saying"yes" would
compromise our own personalwellbeing.
(21:41):
And this is where the magicreally happens.
That being said, it's not allmagic.
Like I said, there are going tobe places where you feel more
comfortable and less comfortablein each of these stages.
So yes, in this stage you willbe gaining the ability to say
"no" and that feels amazing.
And so empowering.
And also in this stage, we beginto face something that we
(22:02):
haven't encountered yet in theearlier stages.
And that is allowing otherpeople to just be disappointed
in us.
Up until now, then therelationship dynamic has really
been looking out for the otherperson.
Right.
They were always getting whatthey wanted.
And it was assumed that youwanted the same thing because
that's what you led them tobelieve.
Right.
(22:22):
You were saying no problem.
Sure.
I'd love to.
So now that you're beginning toassert your boundaries and say,
actually that's not going towork for me.
The other person might feel alittle bit blindsided.
Stay the course.
It is okay for them to be alittle bit disappointed.
You may need time to adjust tothe new boundaries, right?
You're both going to need timeto adjust to the new boundaries,
(22:43):
but work through the discomfortto make this the new normal.
Okay.
You have spent years beinguncomfortable for the sake of
others and it wasn't working foryou.
It is actually highly beneficialright now, you've spent all that
time being uncomfortable in therelationship, it is highly
beneficial for thisrelationship.
For the other person toexperience a bit of discomfort
right now.
(23:04):
You are practicing and learningto say no.
They are practicing and learninghow to receive a no from you.
And that's going to create somegrowing pains.
There's always a little bit ofdiscomfort when it comes to
growth.
And that's true for both of you.
So the one that you're engagingwith, they have grown accustomed
(23:25):
to you being their go-to foreverything.
And as that changes, then theymight even ask you questions
like, well, wait a second, thisisn't right.
Are you okay?
Are we okay?
They're going to be a little bituncomfortable as you make those
changes, but stay the course andpractice being okay with letting
them be uncomfortable.
This discomfort is actually verybeneficial for the relationship.
(23:47):
It encourages them to seeksupport from other people
instead of relying solely onyou.
It gives them an opportunity tostep up and create equity rather
than just taking from you, andwhen you stop automatically
saying yes to everything, thenthey may start to recognize how
much it is that they wereactually relying on you.
They may start to see theimbalance.
(24:08):
And this shift, yeah, it canlead to some discomfort, but it
can also lead to more balance.
It can lead to more mutuallyrespectful relationships where
they appreciate your effortsrather than taking your efforts
for granted.
For those who truly value youand not just what you do for
them, this stage can actuallystrengthen your connection.
(24:29):
It can foster deeper, moremeaningful and more honest
communication, instead ofoperating under these silent
one-way contracts andassumptions.
Both parties in this stage, getthe chance to express their real
needs, expectations andboundaries.
Relationships that felt onesided and draining can become
more authentic, supportive, andsustainable.
(24:50):
Additionally in the stage, ithelps other people to develop
their own emotional resilience,their own personal problem
solving abilities.
They have relied on you to doprobably a significant amount of
their emotional processing.
They haven't had to experiencediscomfort because you've
accommodated them.
Now is a time for you to growemotionally and for them to
(25:12):
grow.
Emotionally.
Because this people pleasing, itwas probably ultimately leading
to they're under development inthese areas.
So you having personalboundaries, it actually gives
them an opportunity to grow.
Whether it's learning how tomanage their own emotions or
seeking support from multiplesources or practicing
(25:32):
reciprocity and relationship, itis beneficial for both of you.
Now the truth is that noteverybody is going to like these
changes, right?
The truth is that some peopleare going to flat out resist
these changes.
So they might resist yourboundaries.
They might guilt trip you, theymight try to push you back into
old patterns.
But here's the truth is therelationships that can't
(25:52):
withstand your growth, they werenever healthy to begin with.
And I understand that this canbe a challenge to work through.
There is a lot of emotionalprocessing when it comes to
letting go of these unsupportiverelationships.
When you've invested so muchinto our relationship, it can be
really, really hard to let itgo.
And there is some grief thatcomes with that.
(26:13):
So if you need help and supportnavigating that come and work
with me.
I have been there and I totallyget it and I can help you to get
through it.
That being said, therelationships that do grow with
you that do respect yourboundaries and that do respect
your changes, theserelationships are going to
become even stronger and morebalanced and more fulfilling
(26:34):
than ever before.
Growth is uncomfortable and it'snot a bad thing.
Boundaries do not hurtrelationships.
They actually clarify them.
The people who truly care aboutyou, they will adjust and it
will be okay.
You are currently teachingpeople how to treat you through
the actions and behaviors thatyou're willing to tolerate.
(26:56):
Right now, you are waking up.
You're probably, if you'relistening right now, you're
probably in stage two right now,and you're learning how to state
those boundaries.
You're learning how to createthat balanced reciprocation.
Right now you're recognizing theinjustices and you're
recognizing that no, this isn'tworking for me and I need a
little bit more than what I'mgetting, I need a little bit
more than those breadcrumbs.
(27:18):
I know that I've beenconditioned to believe that this
is all that I need inrelationship.
But I'm seeing now that I need alittle bit more.
You're waking up to that.
And you're teaching other peoplethrough your boundary setting,
not only how to treat you, butyou're also teaching them how to
better take care of themselves.
It is mutually beneficial.
(27:38):
You're teaching them how toproblem solve.
In this stage, it's not justabout saying no to other people,
it is about saying yes toyourself, to your own wellbeing,
to the kind of relationshipsthat truly nourish you.
And that's the real magic.
So each stage is going to comewith its own mix of comfort and
discomfort in stage one.
Yes, it feels very familiar, butit's also completely draining
(27:59):
and unsustainable.
We cannot people please forever.
Otherwise our needs won't bemet.
Right.
And so then in stage two, yes,it's deeply uncomfortable
because we're waking up to whatis, and the imbalances that we
have created, but this is anecessary stage of growth.
And it is vital for our ownpersonal wake-up call and to
create change in relationship.
And then in stage three, it isso freeing to finally be able to
(28:22):
acknowledge and give voice toour own needs.
And it also requires a lot ofcourage and resilience as we
allow other people to be alittle bit uncomfortable as we
make these changes.
And as we set boundaries for thefirst time in our lives, So be
patient with yourselves.
Ultimately living a wellboundaried life benefits,
everybody involved.
It ensures that ourrelationships are built on
(28:43):
mutual respect and not silentcontracts.
It allows us to be loved for whowe are and not just what we do
for other people.
And it creates space for deeper,more authentic relationships.
Now, if this episode hasresonated with you, number one,
you're not alone.
Welcome to the podcast.
And number two, please make surethat you're subscribed here so I
(29:06):
can continue to offer supportand insights on your personal
journey.
I'm also going to put all mycontact information in the show
notes, come and follow me onsocial media.
I'm on basically all of theplatforms.
So come and find me there.
Um, and yeah, if you would likehelp and support around your own
personal journey, if you are arecovering people, pleaser, a
(29:26):
highly sensitive person, um,come and work with me.
I would love to work with you.
Additionally, as you've noticedin the last two episodes, I've
been offering places where youcould come to donate if you
would like to sponsor a coachingcall for someone in need.
Um, so there is a link down inthere for that.
Thank you so much to those ofyou that have donated.
It really does make adifference.
(29:47):
And as I said, I do have ahandful of scholarships
currently available orsponsorships rather, I have a
handful of sponsorshipsavailable.
So if you would like to workwith me and you're struggling
financially, come and takeadvantage of one of those
sponsorships, I would love towork with you.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers and thepeople pleasers.
And I'm really excited abouttoday's episode because when
you've been coaching for as longas I have, it's really easy to
make the false assumption thatyou've addressed something.
When the truth is you have notmaybe addressed it as explicitly
as you thought.
(00:21):
So I often have theserealizations when I'm on a
coaching call and I realized,oh, I haven't actually explained
this in the way that I wouldlike.
So today we're going to betalking about the three stages
of people pleasing and how theyshow up for you.
Now, just know that with each ofthese stages, there's going to
be some ways that the stage isgoing to make you feel
comfortable.
And then some ways that thestage is going to make you feel
uncomfortable.
(00:41):
The goal for today is torecognize where you're at from a
guilt-free andself-compassionate space.
Right?
I don't want you to be guiltingor shaming yourself thinking,
well, I should be somewhere elseor I can't believe I'm here.
I just want you to be curiouslyand compassionately aware of
where you are.
So that you can just be morehonest with yourself about where
you're at and come up with amore clear plan moving forward.
There is going to be comfort anddiscomfort in every stage.
(01:04):
And generally speaking, it'swhen we're moving from one stage
to the next that's, when we'regoing to be experiencing the
most discomfort.
These are just growing pains.
Okay.
They do not mean that you're offtrack.
They actually mean that you areon track.
So let's kind of just break thisdown.
So stage one is the peoplepleaser.
And this is the stage where weare highly accommodating of
(01:25):
other people.
Often at our own expense.
So in this stage, we areprioritizing the emotions and
the needs of other people aboveour own.
And we do so because we'rebelieving that this will make
other people happy and byextension, it will make us happy
if we treat them well, they willtreat us well and all will be
well.
Right?
(01:45):
And we have the belief that thiswill bring us peace and security
and acceptance when we're peoplepleasing.
At this stage, then we'reoperating under a unspoken and
self-imposed contract whereessentially we're thinking, if I
do this for them, then they'llstart to show up for me in the
ways that I need.
But these silent agreements,they're often one sided.
(02:06):
And that means that usuallythey're not going to be creating
the reciprocation that we'relooking for.
They aren't going to show up forus.
So here's some common phrasesthat you might hear yourself
saying, or that you might hearother people saying if they're
deeply rooted in stage one,people pleasing.
And as I share these, I'm alsogoing to be sharing some of the
hidden beliefs that are drivingthem.
So some of these hidden beliefs,I say they're hidden beliefs
(02:28):
because we might not beconsciously aware of them.
More than likely.
Depending on how close you areto stage two, you might just be
believing these thingssubconsciously and have no idea
how it is that they're impactingyou in your day to day life.
You might have the belief thatno, this is just what I'm
supposed to do for other people.
There's no secret ulteriormotive.
And then as you move on and getcloser to stage two, you might
(02:49):
start to realize that, oh, but Ialso have needs, but we'll get
into that in just a minute.
So first, some of the thoughtsthat you might be sharing, you
might hear other people saying,oh, well, it's no problem at
all.
They might be saying that, butunderneath, they might be
thinking.
Well, if I say, no, they're notgoing to like me anymore.
They're saying it throughself-preservation.
(03:11):
Okay.
Number two.
Oh, whatever works for you.
It sounds great, that's justfine.
Now.
All of this, it sounds reallygood on the surface, but
underneath, they might bethinking.
Well, my needs aren't asimportant as theirs.
And so I just need to selfsacrifice because my needs are
less valid in some way.
All right.
Number three, they might besaying, oh, it's okay.
(03:31):
I'll take care of it.
No big deal.
Whereas underneath they might bethinking, okay, well, if I
handle everything, then maybeI'll be seen as valuable and
needed.
And they'll actually see mycontribution and see my worth.
It's all about proving self toself, essentially.
All right.
Number four.
Well, I just want everybody tobe happy.
(03:51):
This again, sounds so good onthe surface, right?
But they might have that hiddenbelief that, well, if everybody
else is happy, Then maybethey'll start to accept me.
And do things to make me happy.
All right.
Number five.
Oh, I don't mind staying up lateto help.
Again, it sounds veryaccommodating, it sounds very
positive and people might belike, oh, that's wonderful that
(04:14):
they're willing to stay up lateto help out, but underneath, and
there might be a hidden beliefthat, well, maybe if I go above
and beyond, then they'll startto appreciate me.
And maybe they'll start toinclude me more and not leave me
out as much.
I just need to be there.
All right.
Number six.
Oh, I totally understand whyyou're doing this.
I totally understand why you'renot accommodating me.
(04:35):
I totally understand why you'renot available when I'm asking
you for help and support.
Now you might be saying thesethings, even if you really have
no idea and you cannot possiblyunderstand why they're choosing
to not reciprocate.
You're going to be saying outloud.
Oh no, I totally understand.
Oh, it's fine.
I know that you can'taccommodate me.
But essentially this is comingfrom the hidden belief that,
(04:55):
well, I just hope that they'llcome to accept me.
It might also come from thethought that, well, it's okay
for them to say no, but it's notokay for me to say no.
We already know that we're goingto love and accept them no
matter what.
But the part that we'requestioning is if they will love
and accept us if we ask the sameof them.
All right.
Number seven.
No, let's just keep the peace.
(05:15):
It's no big deal.
I just want to keep the peace.
This one is extremely common.
We think, oh no, it's justbetter for me to keep the peace.
I don't want to be the one thatstirs up conflict.
That would be horrible.
I don't want to be that person.
But underneath, they might bethinking.
Jeez, like conflict is scary.
And it's just better to avoidit.
It's safer for me to not givevoice to what it is that I'm
(05:38):
thinking and feeling right now.
It's just safer to not state aboundary.
And if I feel safer, then I'llfeel better.
Right.
And this kind of gives us theimpression that something is in
my control, because if we're notspeaking up.
And we're experiencing asituation where we feel like
everything is out of ourcontrol.
Then us choosing to keep thepeace to remain silent.
That's basically the only thingthat we have is in our control.
(06:00):
Right.
So it creates this false senseof control over situations that
are out of our control.
All right.
Number eight.
Oh, I really don't have anypreference.
This might be where you're goingto go to eat what movie you're
going to see.
It could be anything.
And when you're saying this outloud, you might be thinking,
well, maybe if I'm highlyaccommodating of them, then
(06:21):
they'll start to insist that Iwill get what I want next time.
Right.
We have this silent contract inour head that somehow this will
come back to serve us.
Now, oftentimes in my practice,if somebody is telling me that
they don't have a preference onsomething.
They might even say, well, no, Idon't know.
I don't know what I want.
And they're telling me this forone of two reasons.
(06:41):
Either.
They actually don't know what itis that they like, because
they've spent so much of theirlife accommodating other people
that they've never worked todevelop that part of self.
Or they think that, well, if Ijust tell him, like I have no
preference, then maybeeventually they'll insist that I
get my way and oh no, no.
I insist.
I decided last time where wewent to eat, you get to choose
(07:02):
and then they'll finally have anopportunity.
To voice their opinion, butessentially they need the other
person to insist that they doit.
Right, now if you're the firstperson where you're kind of
thinking, no, I really honestlyhave no preference.
I don't even know what I want.
I know I've referenced it hereon the podcast before, but I
love the scene in runaway bride.
When the news reporter sits downwith her and makes her every
(07:23):
kind of eggs and I get it, thismight be an expensive experiment
these days.
But he makes her eggs in all theways.
And has her sit down and tryeggs so that she can determine
for herself how she likes hereggs.
So it might just be anunderdeveloped muscle for you.
I encourage you to take sometime to figure out what it is
that you do and don't like, sothat when you are presented with
(07:45):
an opportunity to make youropinion known, you'll have an
opinion to share.
Now for the other people thatare saying well, I'm just really
hoping that they'll insistagain, it's an underdeveloped
muscle.
Practice leaning into thatdiscomfort practice actually
stating your opinion.
No, that the worst case scenariois that they'll say no.
Right?
I know that for me personally, Ihad one friend that anytime we
(08:07):
went out, I knew she did notwant to go to my favorite
restaurant.
And I just decided for myselfthat's okay.
When she asks me where I want togo, even though I want to go to
my favorite restaurant becauseit's human nature to want to go
to your favorite restaurant.
I can know that, okay, I can goand eat there with other people,
but when it's with her, I'mgoing to suggest some other
things that I know are thingsthat she would also enjoy.
(08:29):
But, but I can still vocalize myopinion.
Right.
I can still make it known that.
Oh yeah, sure.
I would, you know, even thoughthai my absolute favorite.
I could say, oh yeah, sure,mexican is great.
I am okay with Mexican.
But it's coming from a differentplace.
It's not coming from me beingresentful that we aren't going
out for Thai food, but insteadbe having a heart of peace of
okay, I can know and understandand appreciate that she doesn't
(08:52):
like Thai food.
And I can find things that Ilike at the local Mexican
restaurant.
Right.
So being open to that.
So as I'm sharing thesedifferent thoughts, be a curious
observer of your own thoughts.
Notice if any of those stood outfor you.
And just kind of bring it intoyour conscious awareness.
When you find that you arepeople pleasing, ask yourself
why.
(09:12):
Ask yourself what is coming upfor you?
And see if you can get to alittle bit of a deeper level
there.
Now a lot of these statements,then they're revealing a pattern
of self sacrifice where thepeople pleaser is continuously
suppressing their own wants,needs, and desires often without
realizing it.
Now the problem with this isthat this stage, it does create
(09:33):
that false sense of security.
The belief that making otherpeople happy will guarantee our
own happiness, it keeps us stuckin a very exhausting cycle.
Like I said, you cannot live offof breadcrumbs.
And over time, this leaves usfeeling drained, resentful, and
burned out.
And not only that, but peoplepleasers, they make their
wellbeing conditional uponothers.
(09:55):
So essentially they're assumingthat they can control how others
feel, but really that issomething completely out of our
control.
And we think if I can controlhow they show up, then I will
feel better inside of me.
But often these people pleasersfind themselves in relationship
with people where they have nointention of reciprocating, the
relationship is working forthem.
So they're not super motivatedto change.
(10:16):
So they may or may not show upin the way that you would like.
And the goal is to figure outhow to get your needs met and
choose into the relationshipsthat are going to be able to be
mutually fulfilling.
People pleasers tend to stay inthis stage of the people
pleasing recovery cycle, becausethey're convincing themselves
that, well, maybe if I just tryharder, maybe if I just try a
(10:37):
different way, maybe then I'llstart to get the validation or
the acknowledgement or the loveor the affection that I'm
actually craving right now.
But instead of fulfillment, thenoftentimes they end up feeling
very emotionally depleted.
They feel like they'reconstantly walking on eggshells.
They feel like they'reconstantly guessing at what
buttons to push in order tofinally get the reward.
(10:58):
So it can be very disorientingin this stage because everything
is conditional upon externalfactors for how it is that we
are feeling internally.
And let's be honest.
It is super exhausting whenyou're exerting so much energy
into trying to control thingsthat are out of your control.
No wonder you're feelingdrained.
So that is stage one.
Okay.
(11:19):
And now we're going to jump intostage two, which is waking up to
the injustice.
Now while stage one can be superexhausting, stage two can feel
pretty uncomfortable for peoplepleasers.
Because they're just now beingfaced with all of the
injustices, many of which havebeen self-created.
So they have essentially spenttheir entire life fine tuning
(11:40):
their ability to read otherpeople, to anticipate their
reactions, to adapt to differentsituations, to keep the peace.
And this has felt safe andpredictable.
Until now.
So now they're entering intophase two.
And when it comes to phase two,now they're really coming to
terms with this big wake up callof, oh, this is not working for
me.
Right.
(12:01):
So suddenly they're starting tosee the imbalances that they
themselves have created theirrelationships.
They're starting to notice howit is that they've shown up for
other people only to be met withsilence when they are in need of
support.
And so essentially what happensis they're entering into stage
two recognizing that thisinjustice has finally reached a
(12:22):
point where I can no longerignore it.
I could kind of shrug it offbefore and be like, oh, it's not
a big deal.
They're just maybe having arough day.
I was making excuses for otherpeople.
I cannot make excuses for themanymore.
That is stepping into that stagetwo injustice energy.
It's recognizing that this isn'tworking for you.
So I want to share a few of thecommon realizations that emerged
(12:43):
from the stage.
So in this stage, you might bethinking thoughts like, oh, It
looks like I was just valued forwhat I could do for them and not
for who I am.
My kindness was taken forgranted while other people made
very little effort toreciprocate.
When I finally expressed myneeds, I felt dismissed.
And like my voice didn't matter.
(13:05):
I was expected to be endlesslyunderstanding.
While other people were free toset boundaries without guilt and
not only without guilt, butsometimes even made me feel
guilty.
When I set a boundary.
That's not fair.
People who constantly take, theyrarely stop to check in if the
givers okay, because they'dnever had to, others seem to
(13:27):
operate by a different set ofrules, right.
Where their needs always comefirst.
And so maybe recognizing, well,I'm apologizing for things that
weren't even my fault.
In an effort to keep the peaceand they were never actually
taking any of the accountabilityfor the problems in the
relationship.
So essentially it's like, youboth have a rule book now where
historically you have both inyour rule book put their needs
(13:51):
first and neglected your ownneeds.
And so coming to terms with thatfact that, oh, I signed up for
this, I signed up to take ontheir rule book and now I need
to kind of rewrite this.
Right.
So that's the empowering part isyes.
Maybe some of these things werethings that you signed up for in
the beginning.
And also, you can always changeyour mind.
(14:13):
You are free to change yourmind, and once you're able to
see and recognize the injusticeshappening, that's what's going
to help power and motivate thatchange.
It's a recognizing I'm feelingreally uncomfortable right now
and something needs to changebecause this isn't sustainable
for me.
Now this stage, it really canbring up a whole whirlwind of
(14:35):
emotions.
So at this stage, then you mightactually be experiencing some
anger, grief, exhaustion, oreven self doubt and insecurity.
Many of my clients when theyreach this point, it's really,
really uncomfortable for themand they might start to question
if the changes that they'remaking are worth it.
Because they're trying to dothings that they've never done
(14:55):
before.
Right.
So it is deeply unsettling.
They might start asking a lot ofquestions to see if they're
actually on the right path,because they might be wondering,
okay, well, am I just beingselfish?
Is this a me problem?
Am I the one that has createdthis mess?
But here's the thing is when youhit the injustice stage, when
you start to see theseinjustices, you can't help, but
(15:16):
call them out.
You can't help but address it.
It's kind of like in the wizardof Oz, once you see the man
behind the curtain, That's allyou can see, Once you have seen
the injustice, you can't unseeit..
And at this stage, then theymight actually be believing the
stories that everybody else hasbeen telling them that, that,
no, it's your fault.
No, I can't believe that youlook behind the curtain.
(15:37):
No, you needed to just go backto where you were, right.
It was working for them.
And this starts to create thatself doubt where they might be
asking themselves, well, am Ibeing selfish?
Am I just not doing it right.
Should I just try harder?
There's a lot of guilt.
And there's a lot of self blamein this stage, and that is
completely normal.
(15:57):
It is normal for you to feeluncomfortable in this stage.
And it is not a sign thatsomething is wrong.
It is actually a sign thatgrowth is happening.
It is a good thing to be in thisstage, even though it's
uncomfortable.
It's really uncomfortablebecause we're finally being met
with what it is that we'vecreated.
And that's always uncomfortableto face that.
Right.
But it is a sign of growth whenyou are experiencing that
(16:18):
discomfort.
This discomfort means that thestatus quo is no longer working
for you and that something needsto change.
It is recognizing the imbalance.
So it can be corrected.
Without experiencing this deepsense of injustice than many
people, they would just remainstuck in that same cycle of
stage one, where they keeptrying to hit the button and get
the reward.
(16:38):
But they're just not feelingfulfilled.
Stage two is necessary.
They would be stuck in stage oneindefinitely without this big
wake-up call.
And they would be foreverconfused about, well, I just
don't know why my needs aren'tbeing met because I'm doing all
of the things.
Right.
I'm making everybody happy.
So they should be doing the samefor me.
I don't know why I'm feeling sodepleted because it should be
(16:59):
making me feel amazing inside.
Right.
So they're going to be tellingthemselves those stories.
But they're not actually takingaction when they're in stage one
and once they experienced enoughinjustices, then that's going to
trigger that change.
And that will lead to creatingmore balanced and supportive
relationships.
So we need the injustice stage.
It is a natural part of personaldevelopment.
(17:23):
So reflect when you are in thestage, start to self reflect,
you can actually start toreflect on what it is.
I need to change this moment.
Right.
It's bringing in thatself-awareness so asking
questions about what is it thatI need right now?
What is this emotion here toteach me?
How can I create change?
What steps can I take today toreclaim my power, to reclaim my
(17:43):
own wellbeing, to be more incontrol of my emotions and my
own personal wellbeing?
So, this is where the discomfortactually really deepens a little
bit, because this is when thereal work begins in this stage
then you start to do things thatyou've never done before.
So, yeah, of course you feeluncomfortable.
This is all new.
You have never set boundariesbefore you have never vocalized
(18:04):
your own opinion.
You haven't even taken the timeto identify what your opinion
is.
You've never made a request ofanother person and you might not
have ever told anybody"no." Andthis really is putting you a
little bit at risk, right?
Because maybe they won't likeit.
Maybe they will be disappointedbecause you've never said no
before.
This is new for everybody.
(18:25):
So, let me remind you that.
Yeah, you've never said nobefore up until this point,
because the risk ofdisappointing others was greater
than the risk of disappointingyourself.
So once you recognize theinjustice, then you're able to
see that, oh, wait a second.
No, that's not fair for me toprioritize everyone else over me
because my needs are at least asvalid as the next person's.
(18:48):
So notice if you find yourselfthinking thoughts like, oh, I
can't believe I let it go thisfar.
I feel so taken advantage ofwhat is wrong with me.
Why didn't I see this sooner?
How could I been so blind?
Why did I let them treat me thatway for so long?
These thoughts are painfulbecause they're challenging the
foundation that you've builtyour whole identity on.
And this discomfort is actuallya beautiful and significant sign
(19:12):
that you are stepping into phasetwo or stage.
two, a people pleaser recovery.
Also in the stage, notice thatthere may be some fear coming
up.
So maybe there's some feararound, well, if I assert
myself, then it's going to makeme less lovable.
I'll be alone.
Or maybe you're thinking.
I should've just known better.
Then you're blaming yourself fornot recognizing the imbalanced
(19:33):
sooner, even though you weredoing the best that you could
with the tools that you had atthe time, or maybe you're
thinking, well, maybe this isjust how relationships work.
It should be fine.
I should just accept it.
This means that you may bedoubting your own judgment.
You're doubting your ownexperience when you're
recognizing these injustices.
So after years of beingconditioned to accept one sided
dynamics as normal, then maybeyou're thinking, well, maybe I'm
(19:55):
just being selfish and thenequating self-care with
selfishness, because essentiallyyou were taught that your worth
is tied to how much you have togive, rather than who you are.
Or maybe you're thinking, well,I just don't know who I am
without people pleasing I'mprobably going to become a
really obnoxious bratty, snottyperson I'm going to become so
selfish.
So, no, it's the nice thing todo to be a people pleaser.
(20:18):
This is more common than youthink, but I just want you to
know you're not going to turninto some like mega beast that
is super-duper selfish.
There's a difference betweensetting boundaries and seeking
out these balanced reciprocalrelationships and becoming a big
fat jerk.
And my listeners, I'm tellingyou what, has ever turned into a
big fat jerk.
So, yes, there's some discomforthere.
(20:39):
It might mean accepting thatsome people just won't like the
new you.
Because they actually benefitedfrom your silence and your
people pleasing.
But it also means reclaimingyourself and that is always
worth it.
So if you are in stage two, tryasking yourself, okay.
What is right about the factthat I'm seeing this right now?
What do I deserve movingforward?
(21:00):
How can I start choosing metoday?
This discomfort is not yourenemy, but it is a compass
pointing you towards the lifethat is more balanced and
supportive for you.
Your voice matters just as muchas everyone else's.
And that's going to lead intostage three.
This is where it's more healthy,more balanced and boundaried.
(21:20):
Um, so we're going to.
Refer to this as like thehealthy ego stage.
Okay.
So the healthy ego, once we'vereally wrestled with the
injustice of our situation.
Then we can finally step intocreating that lasting change for
self.
This is the stage where we sethealthy boundaries, where we
voice our opinions, where we say"no", when saying"yes" would
compromise our own personalwellbeing.
(21:41):
And this is where the magicreally happens.
That being said, it's not allmagic.
Like I said, there are going tobe places where you feel more
comfortable and less comfortablein each of these stages.
So yes, in this stage you willbe gaining the ability to say
"no" and that feels amazing.
And so empowering.
And also in this stage, we beginto face something that we
(22:02):
haven't encountered yet in theearlier stages.
And that is allowing otherpeople to just be disappointed
in us.
Up until now, then therelationship dynamic has really
been looking out for the otherperson.
Right.
They were always getting whatthey wanted.
And it was assumed that youwanted the same thing because
that's what you led them tobelieve.
Right.
(22:22):
You were saying no problem.
Sure.
I'd love to.
So now that you're beginning toassert your boundaries and say,
actually that's not going towork for me.
The other person might feel alittle bit blindsided.
Stay the course.
It is okay for them to be alittle bit disappointed.
You may need time to adjust tothe new boundaries, right?
You're both going to need timeto adjust to the new boundaries,
(22:43):
but work through the discomfortto make this the new normal.
Okay.
You have spent years beinguncomfortable for the sake of
others and it wasn't working foryou.
It is actually highly beneficialright now, you've spent all that
time being uncomfortable in therelationship, it is highly
beneficial for thisrelationship.
For the other person toexperience a bit of discomfort
right now.
(23:04):
You are practicing and learningto say no.
They are practicing and learninghow to receive a no from you.
And that's going to create somegrowing pains.
There's always a little bit ofdiscomfort when it comes to
growth.
And that's true for both of you.
So the one that you're engagingwith, they have grown accustomed
(23:25):
to you being their go-to foreverything.
And as that changes, then theymight even ask you questions
like, well, wait a second, thisisn't right.
Are you okay?
Are we okay?
They're going to be a little bituncomfortable as you make those
changes, but stay the course andpractice being okay with letting
them be uncomfortable.
This discomfort is actually verybeneficial for the relationship.
(23:47):
It encourages them to seeksupport from other people
instead of relying solely onyou.
It gives them an opportunity tostep up and create equity rather
than just taking from you, andwhen you stop automatically
saying yes to everything, thenthey may start to recognize how
much it is that they wereactually relying on you.
They may start to see theimbalance.
(24:08):
And this shift, yeah, it canlead to some discomfort, but it
can also lead to more balance.
It can lead to more mutuallyrespectful relationships where
they appreciate your effortsrather than taking your efforts
for granted.
For those who truly value youand not just what you do for
them, this stage can actuallystrengthen your connection.
(24:29):
It can foster deeper, moremeaningful and more honest
communication, instead ofoperating under these silent
one-way contracts andassumptions.
Both parties in this stage, getthe chance to express their real
needs, expectations andboundaries.
Relationships that felt onesided and draining can become
more authentic, supportive, andsustainable.
(24:50):
Additionally in the stage, ithelps other people to develop
their own emotional resilience,their own personal problem
solving abilities.
They have relied on you to doprobably a significant amount of
their emotional processing.
They haven't had to experiencediscomfort because you've
accommodated them.
Now is a time for you to growemotionally and for them to
(25:12):
grow.
Emotionally.
Because this people pleasing, itwas probably ultimately leading
to they're under development inthese areas.
So you having personalboundaries, it actually gives
them an opportunity to grow.
Whether it's learning how tomanage their own emotions or
seeking support from multiplesources or practicing
(25:32):
reciprocity and relationship, itis beneficial for both of you.
Now the truth is that noteverybody is going to like these
changes, right?
The truth is that some peopleare going to flat out resist
these changes.
So they might resist yourboundaries.
They might guilt trip you, theymight try to push you back into
old patterns.
But here's the truth is therelationships that can't
(25:52):
withstand your growth, they werenever healthy to begin with.
And I understand that this canbe a challenge to work through.
There is a lot of emotionalprocessing when it comes to
letting go of these unsupportiverelationships.
When you've invested so muchinto our relationship, it can be
really, really hard to let itgo.
And there is some grief thatcomes with that.
(26:13):
So if you need help and supportnavigating that come and work
with me.
I have been there and I totallyget it and I can help you to get
through it.
That being said, therelationships that do grow with
you that do respect yourboundaries and that do respect
your changes, theserelationships are going to
become even stronger and morebalanced and more fulfilling
(26:34):
than ever before.
Growth is uncomfortable and it'snot a bad thing.
Boundaries do not hurtrelationships.
They actually clarify them.
The people who truly care aboutyou, they will adjust and it
will be okay.
You are currently teachingpeople how to treat you through
the actions and behaviors thatyou're willing to tolerate.
(26:56):
Right now, you are waking up.
You're probably, if you'relistening right now, you're
probably in stage two right now,and you're learning how to state
those boundaries.
You're learning how to createthat balanced reciprocation.
Right now you're recognizing theinjustices and you're
recognizing that no, this isn'tworking for me and I need a
little bit more than what I'mgetting, I need a little bit
more than those breadcrumbs.
(27:18):
I know that I've beenconditioned to believe that this
is all that I need inrelationship.
But I'm seeing now that I need alittle bit more.
You're waking up to that.
And you're teaching other peoplethrough your boundary setting,
not only how to treat you, butyou're also teaching them how to
better take care of themselves.
It is mutually beneficial.
(27:38):
You're teaching them how toproblem solve.
In this stage, it's not justabout saying no to other people,
it is about saying yes toyourself, to your own wellbeing,
to the kind of relationshipsthat truly nourish you.
And that's the real magic.
So each stage is going to comewith its own mix of comfort and
discomfort in stage one.
Yes, it feels very familiar, butit's also completely draining
(27:59):
and unsustainable.
We cannot people please forever.
Otherwise our needs won't bemet.
Right.
And so then in stage two, yes,it's deeply uncomfortable
because we're waking up to whatis, and the imbalances that we
have created, but this is anecessary stage of growth.
And it is vital for our ownpersonal wake-up call and to
create change in relationship.
And then in stage three, it isso freeing to finally be able to
(28:22):
acknowledge and give voice toour own needs.
And it also requires a lot ofcourage and resilience as we
allow other people to be alittle bit uncomfortable as we
make these changes.
And as we set boundaries for thefirst time in our lives, So be
patient with yourselves.
Ultimately living a wellboundaried life benefits,
everybody involved.
It ensures that ourrelationships are built on
(28:43):
mutual respect and not silentcontracts.
It allows us to be loved for whowe are and not just what we do
for other people.
And it creates space for deeper,more authentic relationships.
Now, if this episode hasresonated with you, number one,
you're not alone.
Welcome to the podcast.
And number two, please make surethat you're subscribed here so I
(29:06):
can continue to offer supportand insights on your personal
journey.
I'm also going to put all mycontact information in the show
notes, come and follow me onsocial media.
I'm on basically all of theplatforms.
So come and find me there.
Um, and yeah, if you would likehelp and support around your own
personal journey, if you are arecovering people, pleaser, a
(29:26):
highly sensitive person, um,come and work with me.
I would love to work with you.
Additionally, as you've noticedin the last two episodes, I've
been offering places where youcould come to donate if you
would like to sponsor a coachingcall for someone in need.
Um, so there is a link down inthere for that.
Thank you so much to those ofyou that have donated.
It really does make adifference.
(29:47):
And as I said, I do have ahandful of scholarships
currently available orsponsorships rather, I have a
handful of sponsorshipsavailable.
So if you would like to workwith me and you're struggling
financially, come and takeadvantage of one of those
sponsorships, I would love towork with you.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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