149: How Empathetic Are You?: The Story of Jack the Lumberjack

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What is empathy, anyway? And how empathetic are we as a society?

Now more than ever, we are a world divided. This division often leads to disconnect and misunderstandings. But it doesn't have to be that way.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

The role of empathy in deepening connections with others
How compassionate inquiry fosters understanding in difficult conversations
The difference between sharing your narrative and asking someone about theirs
How our own biases can hinder true empathy and emotional growth
The three types of empathizers: cognitive, highly sensitive, and true empaths
How emotional intelligence is tied to empathy and the willingness to hear multiple perspectives
The power of kindness, compassion, and listening in fostering connection
Challenge for the Week
Take time this week to have a conversation where you lead with curiosity instead of assumption. Ask someone, “Can you help me better understand your perspective on this?” See where the conversation leads, and notice how it impacts your relationship.

Work With Me
If you’re struggling with empathy, emotional regulation, or navigating difficult conversations, I’m here to help. Come work with me to improve your emotional intelligence, build better relationships, and create more meaningful connections.
https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me

Don’t Forget to Subscribe
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Links Mentioned in This Episode:

The three types of empathizers: How Cognitive Empathizers, Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) & Empaths Empathize with Others  https://youtu.be/hknedYyUSRg

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Freebies & Other Resources:
Should I Stay or Should I Go Guided Journal:
https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-journal
FREE- 100 Bridge Thoughts for Health, Wealth, and Relationships: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/fbd72512dd
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You might also like:
✅ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8jJW0xqY7c
✅ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvoZAEDKHiQ
✅ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RH4e1gdHTFg

my playlist :
▶️ https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlsP5RjLfyymgAOKQP7HZMo-9xHNXDTJH

 #empathy #connection #howtoempathize #howempatheticareyou

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Well, hello, and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
And today I am your empathycoach.
We're going to be talking aboutempathy today.
And because the subconsciousmind can sometimes be more
receptive than the consciousmind, we're going to be talking
about empathy through the lensof story today.
As we've talked about here onthe podcast before, the brain
oftentimes wants to be rightmore than it wants to be happy,

(00:22):
and many times then thisactually creates more distance
than connection when we areengaging with others.
Now, to be fair, it is humannature to want to be right.
It is human nature to only seethings from our own perspective.
And since that is our naturalstate, sometimes it does take a
little bit more concerted effortto remain open to gaining new

(00:43):
information.
Now to illustrate this point, Iwant to share with you a poem
called The Cookie Thief byValerie Cox.
A woman was waiting at anairport one night with several
long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in theairport shops, bought a bag of
cookies, and found a place todrop.
She was engrossed in her book,but happened to see that the man
sitting beside her, as bold ascould be, grabbed a cookie or

(01:06):
two from the bag in between,which she tried to ignore to
avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies andwatched the clock as the gutsy
cookie thief diminished herstock.
She was getting more irritatedas the minutes ticked by,
thinking if I wasn't so nice Iwould blacken his eye.
With each cookie she took, hetook one too.
When only one was left, shewondered what he would do.

(01:30):
With a smile on his face and anervous laugh, he took the last
cookie.
And he broke it in half.
He offered her half as he atethe other.
She snatched it from him andthought, Oh brother, this guy
has some nerve and he's alsorude.
Why didn't he even show anygratitude?
She had never known when she hadbeen so galled and sighed with

(01:51):
relief when her flight wascalled.
She gathered her belongings andheaded to the gate, refusing to
look back at the thievingingrate.
She boarded the plane and sankin her seat.
Then she sought her book, whichwas almost complete.
As she reached into her baggage,she gasped in surprise.
There was her bag of cookies infront of her eyes.

(02:15):
If mine are here, she moaned indespair, the others were his.
And he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, sherealized with grief that she was
the rude one, the ingrate, thethief.
Now, I know that the point ofthe story is clear, but
sometimes we are so certain ofour own story that it's hard to

(02:35):
see that we might be missingsome valuable information,
especially when it comes to ourperceptions of others.
We have been so conditioned tocategorize people.
And, really, once we've beentold a certain narrative, and
this narrative might be told byeither ourselves or by other
people, but once we'vecategorized a certain group of
people into a certain narrative,it can be really hard to believe

(02:56):
that any other narrative couldpossibly be true.
But, seeking to know what elsemight be true is the sign of
true emotional maturity.
So, how can we open ourselves upto learning more?
Through compassionate inquiry.
That's what's going to lead tothat empathy and understanding.
When we want to prove that weare right, then we're more

(03:16):
likely to tell someone theirexperience rather than ask
someone their experience.
So I want you to think about arecent interaction that you
might have had with somebody whoshared a different life
experience from you or adifferent opinion from you.
How did that conversation flow?
Did you just share and push foryour narrative?

(03:37):
Were you making inquiries abouttheir narrative?
Did you take a moment to checkin with them?
Was it comfortable to ask themquestions or was it
uncomfortable?
Just kind of notice as youreflect on that experience
what's coming up for you.
Is there discomfort for youaround a certain subject, or
around a certain population?
And if so, what's the problem,and with who, and why?

(04:00):
So some questions that you mightask someone when you are working
to have this compassionateinquiry is, Hey, can you tell me
more about this experience andhow it impacted you?
What about your family?
How does it impact them?
What is your personal experiencearound this issue?
Now, once you've opened yourselfup to the idea that there might
be more to learn, and that theremay be more than one narrative

(04:23):
around the situation, then it'sa good time to practice empathy
and understanding.
Now, empathy and understandingdoes come a bit easier for some
than others, but it is alwaysworth leaning into that and
trying to better understandanother person's situation.
I've talked before on here, andmaybe I'll link it here in the
show notes, but there'sbasically three kinds of
empathizers.
So there's the cognitiveempathizers that really need

(04:45):
things explained to them.
There's the highly sensitivepeople that empathize through
related experience.
And then there's the trueempaths that literally feel what
other people are feeling.
And each of these kind of havepros and cons to it.
I'll list that in the shownotes.
Um, so as I'm talking about thisempathy, I know and understand
that everybody empathizesdifferently, so just kind of get
curious about how it is that youcreate empathy and understanding

(05:05):
for other people.
There's no wrong answers here,but leaning into that empathy
and understanding andacknowledging that there is more
than one narrative can reallyhelp to deepen not only empathy
and connection, but alsoemotional intelligence.
And now it is time for anotherstory.
This one is written by yourstruly.
And I've decided to title it,Jack the Lumberjack.

(05:26):
Now, Jack the Lumberjack washard at work one day when a
horrible accident occurred.
He lost his right arm.
He was in pain and in shock, andhe struggled to really make
sense of what was happening.
He felt very disoriented andafraid.
Joe was the first one to walkby.
And when Joe walked by Jack, helooked at him out of the corner
of his eye.
And as he walked away, he saidunder his breath, I'm glad

(05:48):
that's not me.
A few moments later, then Bennyarrived.
He looked at Jack, shook hishead, and said, Well, Jack, you
must have known that this couldhave happened.
You're a lumberjack, after all.
You took on the risk when youtook this job.
So, yeah, I'm sorry, but whatdid you expect was gonna happen?
Next came Sam.
Sam smiled and said, Well, beingleft handed is better anyway.

(06:10):
We have our own pair of scissorsand everything.
You'll be much happier in thelong run.
This was probably just meant tobe.
Focus on the bright side.
Then Stan arrived.
Stan frowned and he said, I sawon the news the other night that
lumberjacks are the most clumsyof all people, and they
shouldn't be trusted with anysharp objects, let alone
chainsaws.

(06:30):
Have you ever thought aboutbecoming a plumber instead?
Eventually, Todd showed up, andhe furrowed his brow, and he
crossed his arms, and he said,You're not the victim here.
The real victims are the trees.
They have had their lives cutshort because of you.
And so this is just karma.
You got what you deserved.
Now, at this point, Jack is juststunned.
He had spent years working as alumberjack to provide for his

(06:52):
family, and now his very realpain was being dismissed and his
suffering minimized simplybecause other people had
opinions.
The words that he was hearingfrom those around him, they were
only adding to his alreadysignificant pain.
Then Larry arrived.
Unlike the others, Larry didn'tlecture and he didn't judge.

(07:14):
Instead, he rushed over to Jackand he knelt beside him and
said, Jack, it looks like you'rein a lot of pain.
Let's get you some help.
And he loaded him up in thetruck to take him to get some
care.
Once the wound had been treated,And Jack was ready to go home,
then Larry said, Hey, Jack, howcan I help?
What is it that you need?
And Jack was a little bit shy,but he said, Could you help me

(07:36):
with my shirt?
It has buttons on it, and Idon't know how to do them up on
my own.
Could you help me?
And Larry did.
Once Jack was back to his home,then Larry asked him again.
He said, Jack, what is it thatyou need?
How can I help?
And Jack said, Well, would youmind opening a can of soup for
my supper for me?
And Larry helped.

(07:57):
Now, weeks went by, and Jackstarted to heal, both physically
and emotionally.
And one day, his friend Larrystopped by, and he could see
Jack smiling, and he said, Jack,how are you?
How can I help you?
What do you need?
And Jack smiled, feeling alittle bit more confident now,
and he said, You know, I'm doinga lot better than I was.
I think I'm ready to go back towork now, and I know I can't be
a lumberjack anymore.

(08:18):
Would you mind helping me towrite some resumes for new jobs
and maybe call around to getsome referrals, that would
really help.
And Larry helped.
Now you might notice thatthroughout this story, we never
actually know how it is thatLarry felt about lumberjacks or
how Larry felt about the trees.
but we do know how it is thatLarry felt about his friend

(08:39):
Jack.
And that's what made all of thedifference.
Now, during these times ofdivision, let's remember that
every group is made up ofindividuals.
And people need our kindness,our understanding, and our care.
We really can heal the world onefriend and one compassionate act
at a time.
So in this world whereeverything can feel like a lot,

(09:01):
then sometimes that's the verybest thing to do is to pick one
person and to see how you canhelp.
See how you can betterunderstand their experience and
their story.
So yes, take some time to be anadvocate for lumberjack safety,
or for the trees, or forwhatever else you're passionate
about.
And also Don't neglect that veryreal wound.

(09:23):
We are really going through asignificant transition right now
as a country, and it's reallyeasy to other, or devalue other
people's experiences.
Right?
Because we want to be right! Soremember, be kind.
Ask questions.
Reach out to individuals tobetter understand their
experiences.
Ask questions before assertingwhat it is that you think might

(09:44):
be best for them.
And yeah, you can be an internetwarrior if you want to, and also
I highly encourage you to showup for local events that really
help to increase awarenessaround various issues, that help
you to deepen your own level ofempathy and understanding about
how current things are impactingindividuals in your community.
Empathy really can change theworld, and we need it now more

(10:06):
than ever.
So this week I challenge you,have a conversation where you
lead with curiosity instead ofassumption.
Ask somebody, hey, can you helpme to better understand your
perspective on this?
And see where that takes you.
If you are struggling to knowhow to better empathize with
somebody that feels differentlyfrom you, come and work with me.
If you need help tending to yournervous system right now because

(10:26):
you're essentially in emotionaltriage, come and work with me.
If you're feeling alone andothered, I guarantee you that
you are not.
Come and work with me.
If you're wanting to help outwith everything going on in the
world right now but you don'tknow how, I have included a link
in my show notes where you canmake a donation to be a sponsor
for someone who is in need ofcoaching but can't currently

(10:47):
afford it right now.
You can also find links whereyou can come and apply to work
with me.
Also, just for those who havealready made a donation, thank
you so much.
It really is having significantimpact.
So thank you.
Now again, don't forget to checkout the show notes for links to
my other resources as well asall my contact information.
I am going to be posting theJack the Lumberjack story on my

(11:08):
social media, so come and findme there if you want to be able
to quickly share with friends.
just love it when people startconversations specifically
around empathy and how to betterunderstand each other.
So yeah, feel free to share thisepisode or whatever clips are on
my social media, and make sureto subscribe for more.
All right, well hey, I reallygenuinely love you guys, and
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye now.