March 6, 2025 • 21 mins
When you're used to putting others first, it's easy to focus on whether someone likes you rather than asking yourself if you actually like them.
Red flags are warning signs that a relationship might be unhealthy. Some are obvious, like abuse or toxic behavior, but others are personal, based on your personal values. For example, if you enjoy spending time camping and being outdoors, being with someone who doesn't like outdoor picnics might cause some long-term frustration. Many people ignore red flags, hoping the other person will change, but that only leads to resentment. Instead of being in love with who someone could be, it’s important to accept who they are and decide if that’s what you really want.
Green flags, on the other hand, show that a relationship is healthy. These include things like respect, honesty, consistency, and emotional intelligence. A good partner or friend supports your growth, respects your boundaries, and communicates openly. It’s not enough to just avoid red flags—you also need to look for green flags that show true compatibility. Identify your personal green flags, like shared values, hobbies, or life goals, so you can find relationships that truly align with what you want.
By getting clear on your red and green flags, you can avoid settling for relationships that don’t serve you. Instead, you’ll make space for people who respect, support, and appreciate you. Whether in romantic relationships or friendships, the key is to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
(00:01):
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
I'm the life coach for thehelpers, healers people
pleasers.
And today I am the life coachfor the people that are highly
accommodating of other peopleand they're very aware about how
they're showing up and the levelthe other people are able to
accept them, but they may alsobe a little bit unclear around
what it is that they are lookingfor.
So they find themselves feelingunfulfilled in relationships.
(00:23):
So today we're going to betalking about how to identify.
Your personal red and greenflags in relationships.
When you are at recoveringpeople pleaser, it can be really
easy to overlook vitalinformation about other people.
Essentially, we do this becausewe have been accustomed to
accommodating other people.
So this means that oftentimes weare more concerned about if the
(00:45):
other person likes us, we'remore consumed with that.
And we don't actually take thetime to question if we actually
like the other person, right.
We assume we should likeeveryone and everyone should
like us.
But that kind of presents achallenge when you're trying to
seek out true compatibility inrelationship.
So to kind of illustrate thispoint, then let's talk a little
(01:05):
bit about heartsick, Hannah.
Okay.
Heartsick, Hannah went on afirst date with honest Henry and
the two had such a great time ontheir date, but at the end of
the date, then Henry let Hannahknow that.
Hey, while I had a really greattime, I don't actually picture
the two of us having a longtermrelationship, but thank you for
the date.
I really enjoyed myself.
(01:26):
Now it was at this point thatHeartsick Hannah became, well,
heartsick.
She became so concerned with whyHenry didn't pick her, that she
never actually stopped to thinkabout if she actually liked him.
And of course, if I wereheartsick Hannah's coach, then I
would help her to sit for aminute and process the pain and
(01:46):
process those rejection wounds,because those are real.
And also eventually I would hopeto get her to a place where she
could realize that wanting to bewith someone who doesn't want to
be with her is probably a redflag, regardless of why it is
that Henry decided he didn'twant something longterm, that
maybe it's not in her bestinterest to pursue someone who
(02:08):
has said that, nope, I don't seethis going anywhere.
Okay.
So rather than appreciatingHenry's honesty, then Hannah
made it mean that she wasn'tgood enough.
She wasn't lovable enough.
She wasn't pretty enough.
She wasn't desirable enough.
She made it mean a lot ofnegative things about her.
Rather than just simply, I guesswe're not compatible in this
way.
(02:28):
But ultimately she is enough.
And so are you.
And once you stop investing intopeople that aren't interested in
you, then you can really startmaking space for the people that
are willing to invest into youand the people that do see the
value that you add into thisworld.
And you can make room for thepeople that do see something
long-term with you.
(02:49):
If we're unclear about what itis that we are looking for in
relationship, then it's morelikely that we're ultimately
going to settle.
Now I want to emphasize that redflags and green flags, are not
just for romantic relationships.
They apply it to yourfriendships as well.
And to any influential person inyour life.
Another reason why these redflags and these green flags are
(03:10):
so important is because we arethe sum of the five people that
we allowed to have the mostinfluence over us.
And so if you want to be yourbest self, spend time with
people that bring out the bestin you.
And help you to feel like yourbest and most authentic self.
So now let's talk for a minuteabout what red flags are.
Red flags are they behaviors,patterns, or attitudes that
(03:33):
signal potential toxicity oremotional harm, or maybe even
physical harm or some kind ofmisalignment of your values in
relationship.
There are some red flags thatare universal red flags.
For example, if someone isabusive or toxic, everyone would
agree that yeah, that's a redflag.
Stay away from that person.
But there are also personal redflags.
(03:54):
For example, maybe for youpersonally, it is a
non-negotiable that you chooseto spend your holidays with
family.
So when you find yourself inrelationship with somebody who
doesn't want that, then you canbetter identify that.
Oh, if I choose to pursue arelationship with this person,
when they do not want to spendthe holidays with family, but
would rather spend it alone, Iam essentially choosing into a
(04:17):
relationship where I may findmyself feeling resentful towards
them.
We might find ourselvesexperiencing a fight around the
holidays every single year,because we want different
things.
Okay.
So it's kind of just revealingthat when I'm really honest
about what it is that I want.
I'm can be more honest withmyself about what it is I would
be choosing into if I chose intothat relationship.
(04:39):
As you identify, what is a greenflag for you then it also makes
it a lot easier to identify whatyou are red flags are.
Okay.
I'm somebody that totallybelieves in focusing on the
positive, right.
So in my coaching calls, that'swhat we might talk about is what
are your green flags, becausethat will reveal the red flags.
So it will let you know whatyour non-negotiables are.
So, for example, if it is agreen flag for you to be on the
(05:01):
same page as your partnerspiritually, then that also
means that it would be a redflag if the two of you were not
on the same page spiritually.
If it is a green flag for theother person to enjoy hiking and
camping and spending timeoutdoors, then that also means
that it would be a red flag ifthe other person, they just hate
dirt and bugs and they don'teven want to have a picnic
(05:22):
outside.
Right.
It helps to bring that clarity.
If it is a green flag for you tobe in relationship with somebody
who prioritizes personaldevelopment and they're always
reading self-help books, then itmay be a red flag for you if you
meet somebody that doesn't readbooks and they never challenged
their own thinking, they justalways assume that they're
right.
Without ever challenging theirthinking.
(05:42):
Right.
So many people choose to stay inrelationships, even when they
see red flags out of hope thatthe other person will change or
maybe they stay because they'rejust really attracted to them
physically.
So they think, oh, I can justignore that because they're hot.
Right.
Or maybe they're choosing toremain in relationship out of
fear or loneliness or simply alack of clarity around what it
(06:03):
is that they really want.
But this isn't kind tothemselves and it's also not
kind to the other person.
In fact, if you are remaining inrelationship with another
person, hoping that they willchange, you're not actually
loving them.
Instead you're actuallyresenting them and hoping that
they will change.
So that's the definition of notloving them.
(06:26):
We're actually in love withtheir potential, but that's not
who they are.
Right.
They're showing us who they areand we're choosing that, no,
I'll love you when you havechanged.
We're not in relationship withthem.
And that is not a kindness,right?
It is actually a kindness toboth of you to get clear on what
your personal red and greenflags are.
(06:46):
Ignoring the red flags andthinking the other person will
eventually change, it leads toemotional fatigue, right?
Because we're just pulling ourhair out thinking, well, why
aren't they changing?
It's also wasting both of yourtime, and it consistently leaves
you feeling out of alignmentwith your own value system.
So here are a few common redflags.
These may apply to your romanticrelationship or also to
(07:08):
friendships, but here's somevery common ones.
Okay.
So a lack of respect forboundaries.
So this might mean that they'repressuring you into doing
something that you don't feelcomfortable doing, or they're
dismissing their feelings.
Maybe they're inconsistent andunreliable, they're saying one
thing, but they're doinganother.
Maybe they are excessivelynegative, or maybe you've
(07:28):
noticed a victim mentality thatkeeps coming up for them.
They're always blaming otherpeople and they're never
actually taking responsibilityfor themselves.
Or maybe you've noticed thatthey're jealous and possessive.
And this might manifest ascontrolling behaviors, masked as
caring too much, right?
So they're taking away yourfreedom and personal autonomy
under the guise of caring toomuch.
(07:49):
They just don't want you tospend time with other people.
Or maybe they're gossiping aboutothers constantly.
And just remember if they'redoing that to other people,
they'll do it to you too.
Maybe you're noticing a lack ofaccountability.
They never apologize or theydon't learn from their mistakes.
They just keep making mistakesand expect you to just forgive
them.
But they're not actually makingthose changes.
(08:11):
Maybe you've noticed that it's aone-sided relationship where
they are always taking andrarely giving.
Maybe they're disrespecting yourtime, your energy or your
values.
So just kind of notice if theseare a few of the red flags that
are coming up for you inrelationship.
Sometimes we tend to minimizethese because we feel like the
green flags outweigh the redflags.
I mean, let's be honest,everybody that we're in
(08:33):
relationship there is going tobe some things that are just
kinda okay.
Well, that might be a little bitannoying.
That's not what we're talkingabout here.
Okay.
We're talking about the thingswhere we're making it clear how
it is that we want to betreated.
Okay.
People, they learn how to treatus through the behaviors that we
are and are not willing totolerate.
So if you're tolerating certainbehaviors, you're telling them
(08:53):
that that's okay, you don't needto change.
I will change to accommodateyou.
You don't need to change.
So then we're giving them mixedmessaging, right?
Because on one hand, we'retelling them, Hey, you don't
need to change.
I'm just going to keepaccommodating you.
I'm going to keep forgiving you.
It's fine.
But on the other side, we keephoping that they're going to
change and they're going to feelthat.
(09:14):
So we're giving out this mixedmessaging because we're not
being super clear on what ourred flags are and how it's
impacting us.
So now let's talk a bit aboutgreen flags.
Now green flags are the positivequalities, the indicate
emotional health, integrity, andstrong relationship skills.
And while it's good to know whatyour red flags are, it is also
vitally important to know whatit is that you're looking for.
(09:37):
For some people, then they areable to identify a few red flags
and then they think, well,therefore we should be
compatible because they don'thave the red flags, but they
aren't looking for the greenflags.
So for example, they might say,oh, well, you know, they don't
hit me.
So it's fine.
Okay, well, that's reallysetting the bar pretty low,
right?
(09:58):
And while it's great that thisperson doesn't hit you, it's not
exactly putting the bar highenough for you to find true
compatibility and trueconnection.
K.
So the green flags are going tolet us know the ways that we are
compatible.
It's not just saying, well, theydon't have any red flags.
It's saying no, what are thegreen flags that are going to
let me know that we are trulycompatible.
So identifying the green flagsis what creates that meaningful
(10:20):
connection.
The connection that can only goso deep when you're only seeking
somebody that for example,they're free of debt and they
don't hurt you.
So sure you may be physicallyand financially safe.
But that's not actually a gaugefor true compatibility.
When we identify our greenflags, then that's when we're
going to find this genuineconnecting compatibility.
(10:41):
Okay.
So now let's talk about a fewkey green flags for both
romantic relationships andfriendships.
Consistency.
You're going to notice a lot ofthese are kind of the inverse of
what we just talked about forthe red flags.
Right.
So they're consistent.
Their actions and their wordsmatch up.
This means that they're reliableand they're trustworthy.
They respect your boundaries.
(11:02):
They honor your space, your timeand your values.
They're not going to keeppushing you to be different.
Okay.
So just as sometimes when we'renot really clear on our red and
green flags, we might bepressuring somebody else
thinking, well, you shouldchange to make me more
comfortable.
Notice that if it's happening onthe other direction, right.
If they're saying, well, no,like that, shouldn't be your
boundary.
(11:22):
You should accommodate me inthis way.
That's actually a red flag inrelationship.
Another green flag is they havesupporting and uplifting energy.
They're genuinely able tocelebrate your success.
They're genuinely able toencourage your growth and that's
a beautiful thing.
Another green flag is emotionalintelligence and self-awareness,
(11:43):
they're capable of apologizingwhen they've done something
wrong.
They take accountability.
And they handle conflictsmaturely.
They're not doing the blamegame.
They're not trying to shiftresponsibility.
They're taking ownership.
That is a huge green flag.
Another green flag, mutualeffort and reciprocity.
This relationship is not onesided, but both people are
(12:05):
investing into the relationship.
And yeah, sometimes, you know,it's rarely 50 50.
Sometimes we talk about it being50 50 and, and being exactly
equal.
The balance kind of shifts andchanges as needs changed.
So maybe it's sometimes 60, 40in one direction and then
sometimes 60, 40 in the otherdirection.
But overall, you're going toexperience that balance there
(12:25):
and that reciprocity.
They encourage yourindependence.
They want you to thrive.
They don't want to control you.
They're going to be encouragingyou to go out into the world to
try new things, to spend timewith friends and other people.
They value personal growth.
They're somebody that isconstantly working on themselves
and they see the value in that.
(12:45):
So that means that they are opento learning.
And also they're going to beencouraging those same qualities
in you.
They're honest and haveintegrity.
They're transparent in theircommunication.
There's no manipulation.
There's no deceit.
You know that when they'remaking a request that you can
trust their words that, oh, thisis what it is that they want
from me.
They're not trying to manipulateme.
(13:05):
I don't have to try to readbetween the lines they're being
clear and honest in theircommunication, and I can trust
their words.
That's a big deal.
And these are very basic greenflags and these are ones that
kind of apply to allrelationships in general.
But I want you to also getreally clear about what your
personal green flags are.
This is where you're going togauge the compatibility So, for
(13:27):
example, do you want somebodywho is of the same faith as you?
Do you want someone who sharesthe same diet?
It might be a conflict ofinterest if you're a vegan, for
example, and you're datingsomeone who is on the carnivore
diet.
Okay.
That might present a conflictfor you, but get very clear with
yourself on that.
Is it important for you to be ina relationship with someone who
enjoys the same hobbies, thesame sports, the same kind of
(13:48):
outings.
What about family relationshipsand parenting styles?
What do you want those to looklike?
Are you a cat person and they'reallergic to cats.
What's the deal breaker for you?
Is that something that you wantto consider or is it a
non-issue?
Would you like a partner who cantrade off on the cooking and the
shopping?
What about political views?
Do you want to be on the samepage there?
(14:09):
What are your non-negotiables?
And yes, when you narrow downthe field, it can feel scary
because what if we don't findsomebody that checks all those
boxes?
And also what good does it do toinvest into others who don't
check those boxes?
That's going to just make it alot harder for you to open
yourself up to the possibilityof finding someone who does
(14:32):
check those boxes, because nowyou've committed yourself
elsewhere.
With the bar really low.
Right.
Now as a reminders are talkingabout these.
Yes.
The bulk of this is going to beapplying it to your romantic
relationships, but it's alsogood to assess your friendships
from time to time.
Especially if you are arecovering people, pleaser.
Sometimes we remain infriendship with people just
(14:52):
because we've been friends for along time.
And it feels easier to just keepsomebody around, even when
they're a bit of a drain, thanit does to start something new.
And I totally get it.
And I'm not saying that you haveto cut off your friends.
Okay.
I'm not telling anybody theyhave to cut off your lifelong
friends.
And also it's okay toacknowledge what is for you.
So for example, you might bethinking, well, yes, we were
(15:14):
really close in high school.
And after 20, 30 years of lifeexperience, we're really
different people and we justkind of clash more than we
connect these days.
Okay.
Give yourself permission tobroaden your circle.
Additionally, I just want toalso touch on toxic and
narcissistic relationshipsbecause sometimes, especially if
(15:34):
you're listening here, thehighly sensitive people, the
impasse, the people pleasers.
Many of us are going to findourselves in narcissistic or
toxic relationships and theserelationships, they might seem
to serve us in the beginning,right.
In the love bombing stage.
It's like, oh yeah, this isamazing.
This is beautiful.
I love it.
But then later we might findourselves feeling depleted and
(15:55):
stuck.
And it's confusing anddisorienting because since we
were loved bombed, then we knowthat they're capable of showing
up well, And because of that, wehold on to it, hoping to get our
partner back or hoping to getour bestie back that, no they're
going to come back.
I know they will, there justmust be something wrong.
And once it's been resolved,then they'll come back.
And the love me and the waysthat they did in the beginning.
(16:16):
Take some time to just be reallyhonest with yourself and assess
the current situation.
Get super clear on how peopleare currently showing up or not
showing up for you.
Okay.
It's really easy to be your bestself in the early stages of
relationship.
But over time when you start tosee how maybe how they're
responding to conflict.
Or maybe when you see moreclearly how they do and do not
(16:38):
show up in relationship, it'sokay to reassess your
relationships.
In fact, it's highly encouragedto just do a little bit of a
relationship audit.
See what relationships areserving you.
See what relationships are notserving you and change those
boundaries accordingly.
I have created a journal to helpyou do this very thing.
I know firsthand how hard it canbe to see things clearly when
(17:00):
you're really stuck in the thickof it.
And so in the show notes, youcan find a link to my, should I
stay or should I go journal.
Right now the price on that issuper low.
I want to get it out to as manypeople as possible.
And if you want to write me areview for it, I would love to
have that.
Um, so the price probably won'tbe staying at where it is right
now.
So come and get a copy if you'reinterested in that.
But one thing I really want toremind you of it before we go,
(17:22):
is that we really, truly are thesum of the five people that we
choose to have the mostinfluence over us.
And so when we choose to remainin relationship with people who
do not align with our valuesystem, then we ourselves are
now out of alignment with ourvalue system.
I know that there are manypeople who were in toxic
relationships and they feelreally guilty about who they
(17:44):
were in that relationship.
They recognize I wasn't showingup in my own integrity.
I tolerated a lot of behaviorsand I actually started behaving
in a lot of ways that I'm justnot proud of.
So if this is you.
Please forgive yourself.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had at the time.
And now is the time to add moretools to your tool belt.
(18:06):
The people around us help toshape our mindset, our habits,
our emotional health.
So choose these people wisely.
You are on track to find thatbalance between love, loyalty
and discernment, you are ahighly sensitive person.
You do have that discernment andmaybe sometimes you've neglected
that discernment.
Right.
You've decided to put it on theshelf when you've noticed the
(18:27):
red flags, because you just sowanted to be loved and accepted.
Love that part of you too.
And tap back into thatdiscernment, tap back into
seeing those red and green flagsmore clearly.
Not every red flag means thatyou need to cut somebody off
immediately.
Some people are still growingand also that doesn't mean that
you have to be deeply entangledin their journey.
(18:48):
Nor does it mean that it is yourresponsibility to fix them?
They are responsible for themand you are responsible for you.
So even if it is just a seasonwhere they're acting out of
alignment and then you kind ofnotice that you're acting out of
alignment, it's okay to evenjust assess for that season,
that for this season, I can seethat this isn't healthy.
(19:09):
For this season, I can see thatthey need to work through that
if we're going to continue.
Okay.
It's okay to acknowledge thatit's a season.
And maybe they will change andmaybe they won't, but be really
honest about where it is thatyou're currently at.
Knowing what you want it helpsyou to not only avoid settling,
but also to create balanced,thriving relationships.
(19:30):
You deserve relationships thatbring value.
Not just relationships that fillthe space.
So this week, I really want youto think about who are the five
people who are currently havingthe most influence on you.
And are they adding orsubtracting from your life?
Make a list of yournon-negotiables, your green
flags, your red flags.
(19:50):
I make an honest list about itand reflect on your
relationships and see where itis that you might need to make
some changes where you mightneed is place a boundary where
you might need to kind of mixthings up a little bit, shift
your level of investment.
Be really honest about that.
Additionally, if you havediscovered from listening to
this, that, oh, I might be in ared flag relationship and you're
in need of support, come andwork with me.
(20:12):
If you're single and you'rewanting some support gaining
clarity around your specificgreen flags, maybe you've been
accommodating other people somuch that you don't even know
what it is that you're lookingfor anymore.
Come and work with me.
If you're in a position whereyou're reassessing the
relationships that you'recurrently in, come and work with
me, I would love to work withyou.
And if you're wanting a journalto help you to gain some clarity
(20:33):
around your relationships,common snag, a copy of my,
should I stay or should I gojournal.
The link is in the show notes.
So come and check it out again.
It might not stay that price forvery.
The long, so grab it while youcan.
And Hey, if you enjoyed thisepisode, will you please leave
me a review?
It really does help me to reachmore people.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
Here's to healthy, balancedrelationships.
(20:53):
All right.
I love you guys.
Hope you have a great week.
Let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
(00:01):
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
I'm the life coach for thehelpers, healers people
pleasers.
And today I am the life coachfor the people that are highly
accommodating of other peopleand they're very aware about how
they're showing up and the levelthe other people are able to
accept them, but they may alsobe a little bit unclear around
what it is that they are lookingfor.
So they find themselves feelingunfulfilled in relationships.
(00:23):
So today we're going to betalking about how to identify.
Your personal red and greenflags in relationships.
When you are at recoveringpeople pleaser, it can be really
easy to overlook vitalinformation about other people.
Essentially, we do this becausewe have been accustomed to
accommodating other people.
So this means that oftentimes weare more concerned about if the
(00:45):
other person likes us, we'remore consumed with that.
And we don't actually take thetime to question if we actually
like the other person, right.
We assume we should likeeveryone and everyone should
like us.
But that kind of presents achallenge when you're trying to
seek out true compatibility inrelationship.
So to kind of illustrate thispoint, then let's talk a little
(01:05):
bit about heartsick, Hannah.
Okay.
Heartsick, Hannah went on afirst date with honest Henry and
the two had such a great time ontheir date, but at the end of
the date, then Henry let Hannahknow that.
Hey, while I had a really greattime, I don't actually picture
the two of us having a longtermrelationship, but thank you for
the date.
I really enjoyed myself.
(01:26):
Now it was at this point thatHeartsick Hannah became, well,
heartsick.
She became so concerned with whyHenry didn't pick her, that she
never actually stopped to thinkabout if she actually liked him.
And of course, if I wereheartsick Hannah's coach, then I
would help her to sit for aminute and process the pain and
(01:46):
process those rejection wounds,because those are real.
And also eventually I would hopeto get her to a place where she
could realize that wanting to bewith someone who doesn't want to
be with her is probably a redflag, regardless of why it is
that Henry decided he didn'twant something longterm, that
maybe it's not in her bestinterest to pursue someone who
(02:08):
has said that, nope, I don't seethis going anywhere.
Okay.
So rather than appreciatingHenry's honesty, then Hannah
made it mean that she wasn'tgood enough.
She wasn't lovable enough.
She wasn't pretty enough.
She wasn't desirable enough.
She made it mean a lot ofnegative things about her.
Rather than just simply, I guesswe're not compatible in this
way.
(02:28):
But ultimately she is enough.
And so are you.
And once you stop investing intopeople that aren't interested in
you, then you can really startmaking space for the people that
are willing to invest into youand the people that do see the
value that you add into thisworld.
And you can make room for thepeople that do see something
long-term with you.
(02:49):
If we're unclear about what itis that we are looking for in
relationship, then it's morelikely that we're ultimately
going to settle.
Now I want to emphasize that redflags and green flags, are not
just for romantic relationships.
They apply it to yourfriendships as well.
And to any influential person inyour life.
Another reason why these redflags and these green flags are
(03:10):
so important is because we arethe sum of the five people that
we allowed to have the mostinfluence over us.
And so if you want to be yourbest self, spend time with
people that bring out the bestin you.
And help you to feel like yourbest and most authentic self.
So now let's talk for a minuteabout what red flags are.
Red flags are they behaviors,patterns, or attitudes that
(03:33):
signal potential toxicity oremotional harm, or maybe even
physical harm or some kind ofmisalignment of your values in
relationship.
There are some red flags thatare universal red flags.
For example, if someone isabusive or toxic, everyone would
agree that yeah, that's a redflag.
Stay away from that person.
But there are also personal redflags.
(03:54):
For example, maybe for youpersonally, it is a
non-negotiable that you chooseto spend your holidays with
family.
So when you find yourself inrelationship with somebody who
doesn't want that, then you canbetter identify that.
Oh, if I choose to pursue arelationship with this person,
when they do not want to spendthe holidays with family, but
would rather spend it alone, Iam essentially choosing into a
(04:17):
relationship where I may findmyself feeling resentful towards
them.
We might find ourselvesexperiencing a fight around the
holidays every single year,because we want different
things.
Okay.
So it's kind of just revealingthat when I'm really honest
about what it is that I want.
I'm can be more honest withmyself about what it is I would
be choosing into if I chose intothat relationship.
(04:39):
As you identify, what is a greenflag for you then it also makes
it a lot easier to identify whatyou are red flags are.
Okay.
I'm somebody that totallybelieves in focusing on the
positive, right.
So in my coaching calls, that'swhat we might talk about is what
are your green flags, becausethat will reveal the red flags.
So it will let you know whatyour non-negotiables are.
So, for example, if it is agreen flag for you to be on the
(05:01):
same page as your partnerspiritually, then that also
means that it would be a redflag if the two of you were not
on the same page spiritually.
If it is a green flag for theother person to enjoy hiking and
camping and spending timeoutdoors, then that also means
that it would be a red flag ifthe other person, they just hate
dirt and bugs and they don'teven want to have a picnic
(05:22):
outside.
Right.
It helps to bring that clarity.
If it is a green flag for you tobe in relationship with somebody
who prioritizes personaldevelopment and they're always
reading self-help books, then itmay be a red flag for you if you
meet somebody that doesn't readbooks and they never challenged
their own thinking, they justalways assume that they're
right.
Without ever challenging theirthinking.
(05:42):
Right.
So many people choose to stay inrelationships, even when they
see red flags out of hope thatthe other person will change or
maybe they stay because they'rejust really attracted to them
physically.
So they think, oh, I can justignore that because they're hot.
Right.
Or maybe they're choosing toremain in relationship out of
fear or loneliness or simply alack of clarity around what it
(06:03):
is that they really want.
But this isn't kind tothemselves and it's also not
kind to the other person.
In fact, if you are remaining inrelationship with another
person, hoping that they willchange, you're not actually
loving them.
Instead you're actuallyresenting them and hoping that
they will change.
So that's the definition of notloving them.
(06:26):
We're actually in love withtheir potential, but that's not
who they are.
Right.
They're showing us who they areand we're choosing that, no,
I'll love you when you havechanged.
We're not in relationship withthem.
And that is not a kindness,right?
It is actually a kindness toboth of you to get clear on what
your personal red and greenflags are.
(06:46):
Ignoring the red flags andthinking the other person will
eventually change, it leads toemotional fatigue, right?
Because we're just pulling ourhair out thinking, well, why
aren't they changing?
It's also wasting both of yourtime, and it consistently leaves
you feeling out of alignmentwith your own value system.
So here are a few common redflags.
These may apply to your romanticrelationship or also to
(07:08):
friendships, but here's somevery common ones.
Okay.
So a lack of respect forboundaries.
So this might mean that they'repressuring you into doing
something that you don't feelcomfortable doing, or they're
dismissing their feelings.
Maybe they're inconsistent andunreliable, they're saying one
thing, but they're doinganother.
Maybe they are excessivelynegative, or maybe you've
(07:28):
noticed a victim mentality thatkeeps coming up for them.
They're always blaming otherpeople and they're never
actually taking responsibilityfor themselves.
Or maybe you've noticed thatthey're jealous and possessive.
And this might manifest ascontrolling behaviors, masked as
caring too much, right?
So they're taking away yourfreedom and personal autonomy
under the guise of caring toomuch.
(07:49):
They just don't want you tospend time with other people.
Or maybe they're gossiping aboutothers constantly.
And just remember if they'redoing that to other people,
they'll do it to you too.
Maybe you're noticing a lack ofaccountability.
They never apologize or theydon't learn from their mistakes.
They just keep making mistakesand expect you to just forgive
them.
But they're not actually makingthose changes.
(08:11):
Maybe you've noticed that it's aone-sided relationship where
they are always taking andrarely giving.
Maybe they're disrespecting yourtime, your energy or your
values.
So just kind of notice if theseare a few of the red flags that
are coming up for you inrelationship.
Sometimes we tend to minimizethese because we feel like the
green flags outweigh the redflags.
I mean, let's be honest,everybody that we're in
(08:33):
relationship there is going tobe some things that are just
kinda okay.
Well, that might be a little bitannoying.
That's not what we're talkingabout here.
Okay.
We're talking about the thingswhere we're making it clear how
it is that we want to betreated.
Okay.
People, they learn how to treatus through the behaviors that we
are and are not willing totolerate.
So if you're tolerating certainbehaviors, you're telling them
(08:53):
that that's okay, you don't needto change.
I will change to accommodateyou.
You don't need to change.
So then we're giving them mixedmessaging, right?
Because on one hand, we'retelling them, Hey, you don't
need to change.
I'm just going to keepaccommodating you.
I'm going to keep forgiving you.
It's fine.
But on the other side, we keephoping that they're going to
change and they're going to feelthat.
(09:14):
So we're giving out this mixedmessaging because we're not
being super clear on what ourred flags are and how it's
impacting us.
So now let's talk a bit aboutgreen flags.
Now green flags are the positivequalities, the indicate
emotional health, integrity, andstrong relationship skills.
And while it's good to know whatyour red flags are, it is also
vitally important to know whatit is that you're looking for.
(09:37):
For some people, then they areable to identify a few red flags
and then they think, well,therefore we should be
compatible because they don'thave the red flags, but they
aren't looking for the greenflags.
So for example, they might say,oh, well, you know, they don't
hit me.
So it's fine.
Okay, well, that's reallysetting the bar pretty low,
right?
(09:58):
And while it's great that thisperson doesn't hit you, it's not
exactly putting the bar highenough for you to find true
compatibility and trueconnection.
K.
So the green flags are going tolet us know the ways that we are
compatible.
It's not just saying, well, theydon't have any red flags.
It's saying no, what are thegreen flags that are going to
let me know that we are trulycompatible.
So identifying the green flagsis what creates that meaningful
(10:20):
connection.
The connection that can only goso deep when you're only seeking
somebody that for example,they're free of debt and they
don't hurt you.
So sure you may be physicallyand financially safe.
But that's not actually a gaugefor true compatibility.
When we identify our greenflags, then that's when we're
going to find this genuineconnecting compatibility.
(10:41):
Okay.
So now let's talk about a fewkey green flags for both
romantic relationships andfriendships.
Consistency.
You're going to notice a lot ofthese are kind of the inverse of
what we just talked about forthe red flags.
Right.
So they're consistent.
Their actions and their wordsmatch up.
This means that they're reliableand they're trustworthy.
They respect your boundaries.
(11:02):
They honor your space, your timeand your values.
They're not going to keeppushing you to be different.
Okay.
So just as sometimes when we'renot really clear on our red and
green flags, we might bepressuring somebody else
thinking, well, you shouldchange to make me more
comfortable.
Notice that if it's happening onthe other direction, right.
If they're saying, well, no,like that, shouldn't be your
boundary.
(11:22):
You should accommodate me inthis way.
That's actually a red flag inrelationship.
Another green flag is they havesupporting and uplifting energy.
They're genuinely able tocelebrate your success.
They're genuinely able toencourage your growth and that's
a beautiful thing.
Another green flag is emotionalintelligence and self-awareness,
(11:43):
they're capable of apologizingwhen they've done something
wrong.
They take accountability.
And they handle conflictsmaturely.
They're not doing the blamegame.
They're not trying to shiftresponsibility.
They're taking ownership.
That is a huge green flag.
Another green flag, mutualeffort and reciprocity.
This relationship is not onesided, but both people are
(12:05):
investing into the relationship.
And yeah, sometimes, you know,it's rarely 50 50.
Sometimes we talk about it being50 50 and, and being exactly
equal.
The balance kind of shifts andchanges as needs changed.
So maybe it's sometimes 60, 40in one direction and then
sometimes 60, 40 in the otherdirection.
But overall, you're going toexperience that balance there
(12:25):
and that reciprocity.
They encourage yourindependence.
They want you to thrive.
They don't want to control you.
They're going to be encouragingyou to go out into the world to
try new things, to spend timewith friends and other people.
They value personal growth.
They're somebody that isconstantly working on themselves
and they see the value in that.
(12:45):
So that means that they are opento learning.
And also they're going to beencouraging those same qualities
in you.
They're honest and haveintegrity.
They're transparent in theircommunication.
There's no manipulation.
There's no deceit.
You know that when they'remaking a request that you can
trust their words that, oh, thisis what it is that they want
from me.
They're not trying to manipulateme.
(13:05):
I don't have to try to readbetween the lines they're being
clear and honest in theircommunication, and I can trust
their words.
That's a big deal.
And these are very basic greenflags and these are ones that
kind of apply to allrelationships in general.
But I want you to also getreally clear about what your
personal green flags are.
This is where you're going togauge the compatibility So, for
(13:27):
example, do you want somebodywho is of the same faith as you?
Do you want someone who sharesthe same diet?
It might be a conflict ofinterest if you're a vegan, for
example, and you're datingsomeone who is on the carnivore
diet.
Okay.
That might present a conflictfor you, but get very clear with
yourself on that.
Is it important for you to be ina relationship with someone who
enjoys the same hobbies, thesame sports, the same kind of
(13:48):
outings.
What about family relationshipsand parenting styles?
What do you want those to looklike?
Are you a cat person and they'reallergic to cats.
What's the deal breaker for you?
Is that something that you wantto consider or is it a
non-issue?
Would you like a partner who cantrade off on the cooking and the
shopping?
What about political views?
Do you want to be on the samepage there?
(14:09):
What are your non-negotiables?
And yes, when you narrow downthe field, it can feel scary
because what if we don't findsomebody that checks all those
boxes?
And also what good does it do toinvest into others who don't
check those boxes?
That's going to just make it alot harder for you to open
yourself up to the possibilityof finding someone who does
(14:32):
check those boxes, because nowyou've committed yourself
elsewhere.
With the bar really low.
Right.
Now as a reminders are talkingabout these.
Yes.
The bulk of this is going to beapplying it to your romantic
relationships, but it's alsogood to assess your friendships
from time to time.
Especially if you are arecovering people, pleaser.
Sometimes we remain infriendship with people just
(14:52):
because we've been friends for along time.
And it feels easier to just keepsomebody around, even when
they're a bit of a drain, thanit does to start something new.
And I totally get it.
And I'm not saying that you haveto cut off your friends.
Okay.
I'm not telling anybody theyhave to cut off your lifelong
friends.
And also it's okay toacknowledge what is for you.
So for example, you might bethinking, well, yes, we were
(15:14):
really close in high school.
And after 20, 30 years of lifeexperience, we're really
different people and we justkind of clash more than we
connect these days.
Okay.
Give yourself permission tobroaden your circle.
Additionally, I just want toalso touch on toxic and
narcissistic relationshipsbecause sometimes, especially if
(15:34):
you're listening here, thehighly sensitive people, the
impasse, the people pleasers.
Many of us are going to findourselves in narcissistic or
toxic relationships and theserelationships, they might seem
to serve us in the beginning,right.
In the love bombing stage.
It's like, oh yeah, this isamazing.
This is beautiful.
I love it.
But then later we might findourselves feeling depleted and
(15:55):
stuck.
And it's confusing anddisorienting because since we
were loved bombed, then we knowthat they're capable of showing
up well, And because of that, wehold on to it, hoping to get our
partner back or hoping to getour bestie back that, no they're
going to come back.
I know they will, there justmust be something wrong.
And once it's been resolved,then they'll come back.
And the love me and the waysthat they did in the beginning.
(16:16):
Take some time to just be reallyhonest with yourself and assess
the current situation.
Get super clear on how peopleare currently showing up or not
showing up for you.
Okay.
It's really easy to be your bestself in the early stages of
relationship.
But over time when you start tosee how maybe how they're
responding to conflict.
Or maybe when you see moreclearly how they do and do not
(16:38):
show up in relationship, it'sokay to reassess your
relationships.
In fact, it's highly encouragedto just do a little bit of a
relationship audit.
See what relationships areserving you.
See what relationships are notserving you and change those
boundaries accordingly.
I have created a journal to helpyou do this very thing.
I know firsthand how hard it canbe to see things clearly when
(17:00):
you're really stuck in the thickof it.
And so in the show notes, youcan find a link to my, should I
stay or should I go journal.
Right now the price on that issuper low.
I want to get it out to as manypeople as possible.
And if you want to write me areview for it, I would love to
have that.
Um, so the price probably won'tbe staying at where it is right
now.
So come and get a copy if you'reinterested in that.
But one thing I really want toremind you of it before we go,
(17:22):
is that we really, truly are thesum of the five people that we
choose to have the mostinfluence over us.
And so when we choose to remainin relationship with people who
do not align with our valuesystem, then we ourselves are
now out of alignment with ourvalue system.
I know that there are manypeople who were in toxic
relationships and they feelreally guilty about who they
(17:44):
were in that relationship.
They recognize I wasn't showingup in my own integrity.
I tolerated a lot of behaviorsand I actually started behaving
in a lot of ways that I'm justnot proud of.
So if this is you.
Please forgive yourself.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had at the time.
And now is the time to add moretools to your tool belt.
(18:06):
The people around us help toshape our mindset, our habits,
our emotional health.
So choose these people wisely.
You are on track to find thatbalance between love, loyalty
and discernment, you are ahighly sensitive person.
You do have that discernment andmaybe sometimes you've neglected
that discernment.
Right.
You've decided to put it on theshelf when you've noticed the
(18:27):
red flags, because you just sowanted to be loved and accepted.
Love that part of you too.
And tap back into thatdiscernment, tap back into
seeing those red and green flagsmore clearly.
Not every red flag means thatyou need to cut somebody off
immediately.
Some people are still growingand also that doesn't mean that
you have to be deeply entangledin their journey.
(18:48):
Nor does it mean that it is yourresponsibility to fix them?
They are responsible for themand you are responsible for you.
So even if it is just a seasonwhere they're acting out of
alignment and then you kind ofnotice that you're acting out of
alignment, it's okay to evenjust assess for that season,
that for this season, I can seethat this isn't healthy.
(19:09):
For this season, I can see thatthey need to work through that
if we're going to continue.
Okay.
It's okay to acknowledge thatit's a season.
And maybe they will change andmaybe they won't, but be really
honest about where it is thatyou're currently at.
Knowing what you want it helpsyou to not only avoid settling,
but also to create balanced,thriving relationships.
(19:30):
You deserve relationships thatbring value.
Not just relationships that fillthe space.
So this week, I really want youto think about who are the five
people who are currently havingthe most influence on you.
And are they adding orsubtracting from your life?
Make a list of yournon-negotiables, your green
flags, your red flags.
(19:50):
I make an honest list about itand reflect on your
relationships and see where itis that you might need to make
some changes where you mightneed is place a boundary where
you might need to kind of mixthings up a little bit, shift
your level of investment.
Be really honest about that.
Additionally, if you havediscovered from listening to
this, that, oh, I might be in ared flag relationship and you're
in need of support, come andwork with me.
(20:12):
If you're single and you'rewanting some support gaining
clarity around your specificgreen flags, maybe you've been
accommodating other people somuch that you don't even know
what it is that you're lookingfor anymore.
Come and work with me.
If you're in a position whereyou're reassessing the
relationships that you'recurrently in, come and work with
me, I would love to work withyou.
And if you're wanting a journalto help you to gain some clarity
(20:33):
around your relationships,common snag, a copy of my,
should I stay or should I gojournal.
The link is in the show notes.
So come and check it out again.
It might not stay that price forvery.
The long, so grab it while youcan.
And Hey, if you enjoyed thisepisode, will you please leave
me a review?
It really does help me to reachmore people.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
Here's to healthy, balancedrelationships.
(20:53):
All right.
I love you guys.
Hope you have a great week.
Let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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