March 27, 2025 • 20 mins
Are you stuck in a toxic relationship but can’t quite understand why? You may be caught in a trauma bond—a deeply ingrained psychological attachment that keeps people trapped in unhealthy dynamics. In this episode, I break down what trauma bonds are, why they form, and how they create cycles of emotional dependency. I also explore real-life examples, including the shocking story of Ruby and Kevin Franke, to illustrate how manipulative tactics can keep victims loyal to their abusers.
If you’ve ever felt torn between love and pain in a relationship, this episode is for you. Let’s break the cycle together.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- What a trauma bond is and how it forms
- The role of intermittent reinforcement in keeping victims hooked
- Psychological effects of trauma bonds, including anxiety and addiction-like behaviors
- How abusers shift the rules over time to create confusion and dependency
- Why victims often struggle to leave, even when the abuse is obvious
- A real-world example from Ruby, Kevin & Shari Franke that highlights the impact of trauma bonding
- Steps to recognize and break free from a trauma bond
Challenge for the Week:
Reflect on your relationships—past or present. Have you ever felt stuck in a dynamic where love was used as a reward and withheld as a punishment? Journal about any patterns you’ve noticed and what steps you can take to prioritize your well-being.
Work With Me:
If you’re struggling to break free from a trauma bond or need support navigating emotional healing, I’m here to help. My coaching programs are designed to empower empaths and highly sensitive people to reclaim their self-worth and set healthy boundaries. Book a session today!
Don’t Forget to Subscribe:
Make sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes filled with insights, tools, and real-life stories to help you thrive. If this episode resonated with you, please leave a review—it helps others find this content too!
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
📖 Shari Franke’s book on her family’s experience: https://amzn.to/4c6ykTF
🔗 Book a free consultation call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Should I Stay or Should I Go Guided Journal:
https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-journal
Related searches: Ruby Franke parenting controversy, Jodi Hildebrandt and Ruby Franke case, Franke family abuse scandal, 8 Passengers YouTube scandal, Ruby Franke arrest explained, how toxic parenting affects children, breaking free from family trauma, signs of emotional abuse in families, healing from a narcissistic parent, generational trauma and breaking the cycle, why strict parenting can be harmful, the dangers of authoritarian parenting, religious trauma and family control, how to recover from a controlling parent, gaslighting in parent-child relationships, setting boundaries with toxic parents, how childhood trauma impacts adulthood, emotional neglect and its long-term effects, rebuilding self-worth after family abuse, healing from toxic family dynamics.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
(00:01):
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
I'm the life coach for empathsand highly sensitive people like
you.
And today we're going to betalking about something that
keeps many people stuck inpainful toxic relationships, and
that is a trauma bond.
I would say that roughlyprobably 25% of my clients are
coming to me in recovery of atrauma bond, and probably the
(00:22):
number of my clients that haveexperienced a trauma bond is
actually a lot higher than that,but they might be silent for one
of two reasons.
Either they don't know yet thatthey're in a trauma bond, or
they're experiencing so muchshame around it that they aren't
quite ready to address it yet.
So today I wanted to talk a bitabout what a trauma bond is to
help you to better identify thesigns so that you can get the
(00:43):
help that you need with aminimal amount of shame, right?
We always want to be reducingthe shame, especially as it
comes to trauma bonds.
So let's just jump in and talkabout it, shall we?
So a trauma bond is an unhealthyemotional connection that forms
between an abuser and theirvictim.
And it is often reinforced by acycle of abuse.
But with trauma bonds, it'sgenerally, I mean, there's,
(01:05):
there's varying degrees, but alot of people that I work with,
it can be quite subtle andharder to see in the moment.
You might recognize it better inhindsight, but in the moment it
feels so subtle.
It's hard to know, like you justmight feel internally that
something is off, but you mightnot cognitively be able to
identify what the problem is.
But essentially it's kind ofsporadic reinforcement is the
(01:26):
way we're going to be talkingabout it.
And so it's kind of a cycle ofabuse with intermittent
kindness.
There's like a deep sense ofemotional loyalty that the
victim has for their abuser.
I know that that's kind of bigwords to use as victim and
abuser.
Um, but.
It's important to kind of callthings out as they are.
so it's going to create somefeelings of walking on
eggshells.
A lot, a lot of confusion anddisorientation in relationship
(01:50):
because since the level ofreinforcement is so sporadic,
since these interactions of loveand connection are so sporadic
and unpredictable, it can bequite disorienting.
Now to kind of illustrate thispoint a little bit, I wanna tell
you about a study that was donewith rats.
They were studying the effectsof this intermittent
reinforcement.
(02:10):
So with the rats, then they hada button that would give them
food.
So anytime that the rat hit thebutton, they would get a reward
of a tasty treat.
And that's how these thingsstarted out, right?
And that's often how thingsstart out in relationship as
well, is we know that, okay, theother person's going to be
there.
When I put out a bid forconnection, when I make a
request, when I initiatesomething, I am going to be met
(02:31):
with a reward and it feels sogood.
So in the study with the rats,then that's how things started
out.
And then they started to changethings up a bit.
Where now if the rat hit thebutton.
They wouldn't know if they weregoing to be getting food or not.
They wouldn't know if they weregoing to be getting that reward
or not.
Now, in the narcissistic world,we talk a lot about bread
(02:52):
crumbing.
I want you to think about breadcrumbing specifically as it
pertains to the sporadicreinforcement with the rats.
Nobody can live on breadcrumbs,but since we know that, okay,
but historically, whenever Ipush the button, I've gotten
that hit of love.
Then we think, okay, well I justneed to keep trying.
That must have just been aglitch because I know that when
I hit the button, that's what Iget.
(03:14):
But when we're being breadcrumbed slowly that
reinforcement is backing off,right?
So now we don't know what we'regoing to get when we hit the
button.
We may or may not get our needsmet.
We might just get a crumb.
But no relationship can besustained on Crumbs alone.
So with these rats, as it becameless and less frequent that they
(03:34):
would get a reward when they hitthe button, two things happened.
First.
They started to notice somepsychological things happening.
The rats were not doing okaypsychologically.
They were very insecure, theywere very anxious.
They were seeing a lot of signsof anxiety in the body.
Secondly, the rats started toshow signs of addiction, much
like somebody sitting in a slotmachine not knowing when they
(03:55):
were going to win.
That's what the rats weredemonstrating.
They were demonstrating a lot ofthese signs.
So tying this in to the traumabonding, that's what happens is
the rules are changing overtime, so maybe initially then
the abuser seems to be investingquite a lot into the
relationship.
You might even say, wow, like Ihave never felt so seen and so
heard and so validated, and itfeels amazing.
(04:19):
This is the love bombing stagewhere it's like, wow.
They are just amazing.
They're my soulmate.
This feels so good.
And then the rules change.
For example, maybe at thebeginning of the relationship,
then they tell you, oh, go aheadand have a seat.
I actually love doing thedishes, so you go and put your
feet up.
That would just make me sohappy.
And then later they might sneakin things that are contradictory
(04:42):
to the experience that you hadwith them originally.
For example, they might say,geez, you sure are lazy.
Why do you always let me do thedishes?
Why do you never help with thedishes?
When originally the rules of therelationship were No, you sit
down because I love it.
Right.
So the messaging is now changingand it's changing in a way to
minimize and diminish thecontribution of the other
(05:03):
person..
Another example is maybe they'vetold you in the beginning of the
relationship that, wow, I justso appreciate how much you
inquire about me.
It just feels so good.
I have never felt so seen andheard by anybody.
It just feels so great.
Thank you so much.
I love your inquiries.
And then later, then they mightshame you for your level of
inquiry.
They might think that, oh, well,why are you suspicious of me?
(05:25):
Why do you keep asking mequestions?
They might tell you that you'reasking too much of them, that
you're too invasive, or maybeyou're just too naive to
understand, and so they don'twanna waste the energy answering
your inquiries.
Or maybe they tell you in thebeginning that they love your
independence and the deepconnection that you have with
your friends and your familiesonly later to be forced to
choose between them or yourfriends your family, and this is
(05:49):
done in an attempt to isolatethe victim.
It can be extremely confusingand disorienting when these
shifts are occurring inrelationship because at this
point then we think that theyknow us better than anybody.
Right?
And we think we know them betterthan anybody.
We know that they are capable ofshowing up well, and now they're
(06:09):
not.
And maybe at this point then youfind that you're even making
excuses for them.
For example, you're saying,okay, well they just need me
right now.
Or maybe you're agreeing withthem thinking, well, maybe I am
too much.
Or you're thinking, well, theyjust must be going through
something, and if I accommodatethem even more, then things will
go back to how they were.
So while initially they wereinvesting a significant amount
(06:31):
into you and it was maybelopsided because they're just
doing so much and you felt soindebted, soon it becomes about
50 50.
And then you might discoverlater that now you are investing
a significant amount into themand they're hardly investing at
all.
And when this is happening, thisis when you start to question
your own reality.
(06:52):
Because these changes are justso subtle.
It can be really hard to seethem clearly.
It's a very gradual shift and agradual change.
Now lately then social media hasbeen talking a lot about Ruby,
Franke and her family.
Now I have a lot of listenersfrom out of the states, and so
I'll just kind of give you abrief overview of this
situation, but Ruby Franke wasthe owner of the eight
(07:13):
passengers TikTok account.
And so she was a mom she wasjust kind of posting parenting
stuff and, and her accounttotally took off.
And then later then we werelearning.
That she was actually abusingher children.
It was an absolutely horrificexperience, and so they did
actually do a documentary onthis on Hulu, which is quite
fascinating.
(07:33):
There's also a book put out bySherry Franke, I will list that
in the show notes, but in thisdocumentary then it details the
absolutely horrific abuse andneglect that Ruby inflicted upon
her own children, which isabsolutely devastating.
Now, at the same time that theabuse was happening with the
children, there was alsosomething happening with the
(07:53):
husband she had actually kickedher husband out of the home.
She kicked out both her husbandas well as her oldest son.
She told them, Nope, you have aproblem.
You need to get help.
You need to fix yourself.
And so she told him, Hey, Idon't want to have any
interactions with you and Idon't want you to have any
interactions with the children,with any friends or family for a
year.
Then you'll be able to show thatyou're open to change.
(08:14):
Then you'll be able to show thatyou're actually committed to
this relationship by isolatingyourself.
Now, because he wasn't engagingwith his family during that
time, he had no idea about thissevere neglect and abuse that
was happening.
So when the police called toinform him that, Hey, we need
you to come and check on yourkids.
They were originally thinking hewas an accomplice in all of
this.
(08:35):
When in reality he wasblindsided.
He thought.
He thought, no, there's no waythat Ruby could do that.
There's no way that this couldbe happening.
This can't be real.
He had been so disconnectedbecause his world had been one
where his soul life purpose wasto prove his love and devotion
to Ruby.
So he had a completely differentreality in his mind, and it was
really hard for him to come toterms with the abuse and neglect
(08:57):
that was happening in his home.
Now, what was really interestingfor a lot of people was at the
end of this documentary, theproducers asked Kevin Franke
they said, okay, now that youknow, now that you know about
the abuse and the neglect, nowthat you have seen the evidence
of what Ruby has done to yourchildren, now that Ruby has been
sentenced to four, one to 15year terms in prison for how she
(09:23):
treated your children, do youstill love her?
And he said, I'm not ashamed tosay that after being married for
over 20 years to that woman, Itruly did and I still do love
her.
And when he said that theinternet kind of went wild,
everybody was kind of like, whatis even happening?
(09:44):
How could he possibly say that?
And for those unfamiliar withtrauma bonds, then his response
does seem quite shocking.
But for those who understand howthis psychological manipulation
works, Kevin's response actuallymakes sense.
Ruby was a master manipulator,not only with her own children,
(10:04):
but with her husband.
Throughout their entiremarriage, she put him on display
in front of other people.
She was constantly demandingthat he prove his love and
devotion to her.
He was encouraged to publiclyconfess his sins to strangers
weekly in coaching sessions.
He was told he needed to cutcontact with his family,
including his own children foran entire year, and completely
(10:27):
isolate himself from friends andneighbors, all in an effort to
win back Ruby's approvalessentially, Ruby had convinced
him that in order to prove hislove and devotion, he needed to
remove himself from her life andthe lives of their children and
essentially just become apaycheck, and he was happy to do
(10:47):
it.
That level of psychologicalmanipulation is classic trauma
bonding.
Now what else is noteworthy isthat Ruby, like many abusers,
she was rarely invested in therelationship herself.
You don't really see the waysthat she's investing.
She essentially just breadcrumbed her husband, positioning
herself as a superior one.
(11:09):
The more spiritual one, the moreenlightened one.
The better parent, the betterspouse, she had positioned
herself in that role, where nowhe just believed that that was
all true, that that was who shewas.
So she dictated the rules.
She set impossible standards forher husband and her children,
and created a world whereeveryone else had to prove their
worth to her.
(11:32):
Now let me be clear that thisdoes not excuse Kevin's
inaction, but it does help us tounderstand why he responded in
the way that he did.
Trauma bonds keep peopletrapped.
They're trapped mentally,emotionally, spiritually, and
even physically because at thispoint then they're essentially
confusing control with love.
(11:53):
That might even be the storythey're telling themselves is,
no, but they just love me.
They're trying to help meAnother example that I wanna
share from the same family comesfrom Sherry.
Franke, she is the oldest of allof the children.
She was actually kind of thefirst one to really call out the
manipulations that werehappening in the home and the
first to remove herself from thefamily.
(12:13):
Now, this was twofold, right?
She was starting to see thesepatterns and starting to get
help from other people, and alsoher own mother eventually cut
her off.
So that kind of pushed her evenmore to find herself.
As she was seeking to findherself, she found herself in a
relationship with a middle-agedman that was really essentially
providing her with everythingthat she had hoped her parents
(12:34):
would've provided her with.
He was offering her support andencouragement.
He was highly encouraging overeverything that she was doing
and paying her for work.
He was the one that she wouldtalk to when she was having a
hard time processing things.
He knew about her family lifeand he wanted to be there to
support her, and over time hetook advantage of that.
(12:54):
He started to touch herinappropriately and kind of
stalk her in different things.
It was a pretty rough situation,and when Sherry realized that,
okay, this isn't what I want,this has gone too far and I
don't wanna be here, she startedto over own the situation.
She went and told her clergy.
She said, Hey, this is happeningand I want it to end.
(13:15):
And I'm so sorry and kind ofover owned the situation, which
I think a lot of victims tend todo.
They over own the situation.
And I just wanna remind you thatyou were manipulated into the
situation and you recognizingthat you are out of integrity
with yourself.
That's actually revealing to youthe truth of who you are.
You are not the one who ismanipulated into doing those
(13:36):
things, you are the one who isrecognizing that that is out of
alignment with who you are.
Trauma bonding pushes victims toact in ways that go against
their own integrity.
So it might be allowing someoneto touch you or abandoning your
children for a year, but this isnot a true reflection of your
character.
It is a deliberate tactic usedby the abuser to keep their
(13:59):
victim trapped and silent.
It's essentially, now I havesomething I can use against you
later.
So victims might be pressuredinto doing things that they
wouldn't otherwise do, such asallowing unwanted physical
contact, engaging in illegalactivities, or allowing the
crossing of personal boundaries,all in an effort to prove their
trust and their loyalty tosomeone else.
(14:20):
And this manipulation can createreally deep shame, keeping them
from speaking out.
About the abuse.
So this is the insidious natureof trauma bonding.
It makes victims believe thatthey are responsible for fixing
the situation when in realitythey were manipulated into it
from the start.
But here's the truth, is thatthere is significant power, and
(14:41):
recognizing the manipulation, inreclaiming your voice, and in
speaking your truth.
If you are wondering whether youmight be in a trauma bond,
here's a few key signs to lookfor.
Number one, a cycle of highs andlows.
The relationship swings betweenextreme kindness and extreme
cruelty, and this causes a lotof confusion and a feeling like
(15:02):
you're walking on eggshells.
The abuser may be loving onemoment and then demeaning,
distant and abusive the nextmoment, and this
unpredictability is what createsthis powerful emotional
addiction, making it really hardto leave.
In fact, I don't think I saidthis about the rats, but not
only were the rats driven crazythrough the sporadic
reinforcement, but they werealso showing all of the
(15:22):
behaviors of an addict.
That is something else thatthese victims of trauma bonding
experience.
All right.
A second thing.
They feel trapped but unable towalk away.
So even if you recognize thatrelationship is harmful, then
you may feel emotionally orpsychologically stuck.
Maybe you're afraid that you'llget into trouble for the things
(15:43):
that you did when you were outof your integrity in that
relationship.
Maybe you find that you'rejustifying their behavior or
making excuses for them, ortelling yourself that things
will get better despite noticingthat repeated pattern of hurt.
Number three, blaming yourselffor their actions.
You find yourself constantlyquestioning if you are the
problem.
(16:03):
When they mistreated you, youwonder, okay, well what did I do
wrong?
I must have done somethingwrong.
I must have set them up.
And then you find yourselfworking even harder to earn
their approval or to avoidconflict.
And over time, theirmanipulations make you doubt
your own reality, right?
So it's again, that imbalance inrelationship where initially
they may have been investingmore, but now they're investing
(16:24):
hardly anything, and youcontinue to feel that duty and
obligation to prove yourself tothem.
Number four, isolation offriends and family.
In this situation, the abuser isdiscouraging or outright
preventing you from spendingtime with other people that
could offer you support.
So maybe they're guilting youand saying, well, I just wanted
(16:44):
to have time with you, and it'scoming through that lens.
Or maybe they're straight uptelling you, no, I don't want
you alone with them.
They don't like me, and tryingto pit you against your friends
and family.
And if this is happening, thenyou may feel really disconnected
from your loved ones, eitherbecause you've been pushed away
or because you fear that theywon't understand what it is that
you're going through.
All right.
Number five is feeling a deepsense of loyalty.
(17:07):
Even when it hurts you, nomatter how much pain they cause,
you feel a strong emotionalattachment to them.
You might justify your actionsor by remembering their good
moments, right?
You're thinking, well, the goodoutweighs the bad, and maybe for
a time the good will outweighthe bad.
But be honest with yourself oncethose scales have tipped, maybe
you actually are even believingthat, well, they need me in
(17:29):
order to change.
I'm the only one that can helpthem.
And so other people might beexpressing concern, but you
might find that you areminimizing or defending their
behavior because you feel like,no, like they really need me in
this.
So if any of these resonate withyou, know that you're not alone,
and that recognizing these signsis a powerful first step towards
(17:50):
healing.
So if this is you, seek somesupport from a coach, a
therapist, or a trusted personthat can help you to break free
of this relationship and reclaimyour sense of self.
Now, if you are listening andyou're realizing that you might
be in a trauma bond, I want youto hear me loud and clear.
You are not broken.
You are waking up.
(18:11):
And you don't have to do thisalone.
Recognizing the signs ofpsychological abuse, it is
painful.
But it's also a powerful andvital step towards healing.
And the more you honor your ownvalues and listen to that inner
voice telling you that somethingisn't right, the more strength
you can reclaim.
So please find a safe space totalk about your experience.
(18:33):
Reach out to a therapist or acoach.
Depending on where you're at inyour healing journey, you may
need a therapist, or if you'reat a different point, then
coaching can be very helpful.
But find a therapist, a coach, atrusted friend to share your
story with.
The fact that something feelsoff, it means that you do have a
value system, and that meansthat you can rebuild your life
(18:55):
in alignment with that valuesystem.
You deserve to have personalsafety.
You deserve to have clarity.
You deserve to have a life thatisn't all about walking on
eggshells to accommodate otherpeople.
You deserve love that doesn'tcome with conditions.
So remember that your truthmatters.
(19:16):
If you would like a little bitof clarity, identifying what is
happening in your relationshipand if it is supportive for you
or not.
If there is a chance of changein your relationship, I
encourage you to come and grab acopy of my, should I stay or
should I Go Journal?
You can find a link for that inthe show notes.
This just helps you to seethings a little bit more
clearly.
It just asks some very basicquestions to bring things into
(19:37):
your conscious awareness to helpyou to get a bit more clarity
around how does this personrespond when I tell them no.
how do they respond when I wantto do something different?
It can help to just bring all ofthese things into your conscious
awareness.
So if you're interested in that,come and check it out.
It is only$11 and can bring youa lot of clarity, so come and
check it out.
All right, you are loved, youare amazing, and you listening
(19:59):
is showing that you are workingto be in alignment with your
value system.
So let that shame go.
You are learning and you aregrowing.
Alright, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
(00:01):
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
I'm the life coach for empathsand highly sensitive people like
you.
And today we're going to betalking about something that
keeps many people stuck inpainful toxic relationships, and
that is a trauma bond.
I would say that roughlyprobably 25% of my clients are
coming to me in recovery of atrauma bond, and probably the
(00:22):
number of my clients that haveexperienced a trauma bond is
actually a lot higher than that,but they might be silent for one
of two reasons.
Either they don't know yet thatthey're in a trauma bond, or
they're experiencing so muchshame around it that they aren't
quite ready to address it yet.
So today I wanted to talk a bitabout what a trauma bond is to
help you to better identify thesigns so that you can get the
(00:43):
help that you need with aminimal amount of shame, right?
We always want to be reducingthe shame, especially as it
comes to trauma bonds.
So let's just jump in and talkabout it, shall we?
So a trauma bond is an unhealthyemotional connection that forms
between an abuser and theirvictim.
And it is often reinforced by acycle of abuse.
But with trauma bonds, it'sgenerally, I mean, there's,
(01:05):
there's varying degrees, but alot of people that I work with,
it can be quite subtle andharder to see in the moment.
You might recognize it better inhindsight, but in the moment it
feels so subtle.
It's hard to know, like you justmight feel internally that
something is off, but you mightnot cognitively be able to
identify what the problem is.
But essentially it's kind ofsporadic reinforcement is the
(01:26):
way we're going to be talkingabout it.
And so it's kind of a cycle ofabuse with intermittent
kindness.
There's like a deep sense ofemotional loyalty that the
victim has for their abuser.
I know that that's kind of bigwords to use as victim and
abuser.
Um, but.
It's important to kind of callthings out as they are.
so it's going to create somefeelings of walking on
eggshells.
A lot, a lot of confusion anddisorientation in relationship
(01:50):
because since the level ofreinforcement is so sporadic,
since these interactions of loveand connection are so sporadic
and unpredictable, it can bequite disorienting.
Now to kind of illustrate thispoint a little bit, I wanna tell
you about a study that was donewith rats.
They were studying the effectsof this intermittent
reinforcement.
(02:10):
So with the rats, then they hada button that would give them
food.
So anytime that the rat hit thebutton, they would get a reward
of a tasty treat.
And that's how these thingsstarted out, right?
And that's often how thingsstart out in relationship as
well, is we know that, okay, theother person's going to be
there.
When I put out a bid forconnection, when I make a
request, when I initiatesomething, I am going to be met
(02:31):
with a reward and it feels sogood.
So in the study with the rats,then that's how things started
out.
And then they started to changethings up a bit.
Where now if the rat hit thebutton.
They wouldn't know if they weregoing to be getting food or not.
They wouldn't know if they weregoing to be getting that reward
or not.
Now, in the narcissistic world,we talk a lot about bread
(02:52):
crumbing.
I want you to think about breadcrumbing specifically as it
pertains to the sporadicreinforcement with the rats.
Nobody can live on breadcrumbs,but since we know that, okay,
but historically, whenever Ipush the button, I've gotten
that hit of love.
Then we think, okay, well I justneed to keep trying.
That must have just been aglitch because I know that when
I hit the button, that's what Iget.
(03:14):
But when we're being breadcrumbed slowly that
reinforcement is backing off,right?
So now we don't know what we'regoing to get when we hit the
button.
We may or may not get our needsmet.
We might just get a crumb.
But no relationship can besustained on Crumbs alone.
So with these rats, as it becameless and less frequent that they
(03:34):
would get a reward when they hitthe button, two things happened.
First.
They started to notice somepsychological things happening.
The rats were not doing okaypsychologically.
They were very insecure, theywere very anxious.
They were seeing a lot of signsof anxiety in the body.
Secondly, the rats started toshow signs of addiction, much
like somebody sitting in a slotmachine not knowing when they
(03:55):
were going to win.
That's what the rats weredemonstrating.
They were demonstrating a lot ofthese signs.
So tying this in to the traumabonding, that's what happens is
the rules are changing overtime, so maybe initially then
the abuser seems to be investingquite a lot into the
relationship.
You might even say, wow, like Ihave never felt so seen and so
heard and so validated, and itfeels amazing.
(04:19):
This is the love bombing stagewhere it's like, wow.
They are just amazing.
They're my soulmate.
This feels so good.
And then the rules change.
For example, maybe at thebeginning of the relationship,
then they tell you, oh, go aheadand have a seat.
I actually love doing thedishes, so you go and put your
feet up.
That would just make me sohappy.
And then later they might sneakin things that are contradictory
(04:42):
to the experience that you hadwith them originally.
For example, they might say,geez, you sure are lazy.
Why do you always let me do thedishes?
Why do you never help with thedishes?
When originally the rules of therelationship were No, you sit
down because I love it.
Right.
So the messaging is now changingand it's changing in a way to
minimize and diminish thecontribution of the other
(05:03):
person..
Another example is maybe they'vetold you in the beginning of the
relationship that, wow, I justso appreciate how much you
inquire about me.
It just feels so good.
I have never felt so seen andheard by anybody.
It just feels so great.
Thank you so much.
I love your inquiries.
And then later, then they mightshame you for your level of
inquiry.
They might think that, oh, well,why are you suspicious of me?
(05:25):
Why do you keep asking mequestions?
They might tell you that you'reasking too much of them, that
you're too invasive, or maybeyou're just too naive to
understand, and so they don'twanna waste the energy answering
your inquiries.
Or maybe they tell you in thebeginning that they love your
independence and the deepconnection that you have with
your friends and your familiesonly later to be forced to
choose between them or yourfriends your family, and this is
(05:49):
done in an attempt to isolatethe victim.
It can be extremely confusingand disorienting when these
shifts are occurring inrelationship because at this
point then we think that theyknow us better than anybody.
Right?
And we think we know them betterthan anybody.
We know that they are capable ofshowing up well, and now they're
(06:09):
not.
And maybe at this point then youfind that you're even making
excuses for them.
For example, you're saying,okay, well they just need me
right now.
Or maybe you're agreeing withthem thinking, well, maybe I am
too much.
Or you're thinking, well, theyjust must be going through
something, and if I accommodatethem even more, then things will
go back to how they were.
So while initially they wereinvesting a significant amount
(06:31):
into you and it was maybelopsided because they're just
doing so much and you felt soindebted, soon it becomes about
50 50.
And then you might discoverlater that now you are investing
a significant amount into themand they're hardly investing at
all.
And when this is happening, thisis when you start to question
your own reality.
(06:52):
Because these changes are justso subtle.
It can be really hard to seethem clearly.
It's a very gradual shift and agradual change.
Now lately then social media hasbeen talking a lot about Ruby,
Franke and her family.
Now I have a lot of listenersfrom out of the states, and so
I'll just kind of give you abrief overview of this
situation, but Ruby Franke wasthe owner of the eight
(07:13):
passengers TikTok account.
And so she was a mom she wasjust kind of posting parenting
stuff and, and her accounttotally took off.
And then later then we werelearning.
That she was actually abusingher children.
It was an absolutely horrificexperience, and so they did
actually do a documentary onthis on Hulu, which is quite
fascinating.
(07:33):
There's also a book put out bySherry Franke, I will list that
in the show notes, but in thisdocumentary then it details the
absolutely horrific abuse andneglect that Ruby inflicted upon
her own children, which isabsolutely devastating.
Now, at the same time that theabuse was happening with the
children, there was alsosomething happening with the
(07:53):
husband she had actually kickedher husband out of the home.
She kicked out both her husbandas well as her oldest son.
She told them, Nope, you have aproblem.
You need to get help.
You need to fix yourself.
And so she told him, Hey, Idon't want to have any
interactions with you and Idon't want you to have any
interactions with the children,with any friends or family for a
year.
Then you'll be able to show thatyou're open to change.
(08:14):
Then you'll be able to show thatyou're actually committed to
this relationship by isolatingyourself.
Now, because he wasn't engagingwith his family during that
time, he had no idea about thissevere neglect and abuse that
was happening.
So when the police called toinform him that, Hey, we need
you to come and check on yourkids.
They were originally thinking hewas an accomplice in all of
this.
(08:35):
When in reality he wasblindsided.
He thought.
He thought, no, there's no waythat Ruby could do that.
There's no way that this couldbe happening.
This can't be real.
He had been so disconnectedbecause his world had been one
where his soul life purpose wasto prove his love and devotion
to Ruby.
So he had a completely differentreality in his mind, and it was
really hard for him to come toterms with the abuse and neglect
(08:57):
that was happening in his home.
Now, what was really interestingfor a lot of people was at the
end of this documentary, theproducers asked Kevin Franke
they said, okay, now that youknow, now that you know about
the abuse and the neglect, nowthat you have seen the evidence
of what Ruby has done to yourchildren, now that Ruby has been
sentenced to four, one to 15year terms in prison for how she
(09:23):
treated your children, do youstill love her?
And he said, I'm not ashamed tosay that after being married for
over 20 years to that woman, Itruly did and I still do love
her.
And when he said that theinternet kind of went wild,
everybody was kind of like, whatis even happening?
(09:44):
How could he possibly say that?
And for those unfamiliar withtrauma bonds, then his response
does seem quite shocking.
But for those who understand howthis psychological manipulation
works, Kevin's response actuallymakes sense.
Ruby was a master manipulator,not only with her own children,
(10:04):
but with her husband.
Throughout their entiremarriage, she put him on display
in front of other people.
She was constantly demandingthat he prove his love and
devotion to her.
He was encouraged to publiclyconfess his sins to strangers
weekly in coaching sessions.
He was told he needed to cutcontact with his family,
including his own children foran entire year, and completely
(10:27):
isolate himself from friends andneighbors, all in an effort to
win back Ruby's approvalessentially, Ruby had convinced
him that in order to prove hislove and devotion, he needed to
remove himself from her life andthe lives of their children and
essentially just become apaycheck, and he was happy to do
(10:47):
it.
That level of psychologicalmanipulation is classic trauma
bonding.
Now what else is noteworthy isthat Ruby, like many abusers,
she was rarely invested in therelationship herself.
You don't really see the waysthat she's investing.
She essentially just breadcrumbed her husband, positioning
herself as a superior one.
(11:09):
The more spiritual one, the moreenlightened one.
The better parent, the betterspouse, she had positioned
herself in that role, where nowhe just believed that that was
all true, that that was who shewas.
So she dictated the rules.
She set impossible standards forher husband and her children,
and created a world whereeveryone else had to prove their
worth to her.
(11:32):
Now let me be clear that thisdoes not excuse Kevin's
inaction, but it does help us tounderstand why he responded in
the way that he did.
Trauma bonds keep peopletrapped.
They're trapped mentally,emotionally, spiritually, and
even physically because at thispoint then they're essentially
confusing control with love.
(11:53):
That might even be the storythey're telling themselves is,
no, but they just love me.
They're trying to help meAnother example that I wanna
share from the same family comesfrom Sherry.
Franke, she is the oldest of allof the children.
She was actually kind of thefirst one to really call out the
manipulations that werehappening in the home and the
first to remove herself from thefamily.
(12:13):
Now, this was twofold, right?
She was starting to see thesepatterns and starting to get
help from other people, and alsoher own mother eventually cut
her off.
So that kind of pushed her evenmore to find herself.
As she was seeking to findherself, she found herself in a
relationship with a middle-agedman that was really essentially
providing her with everythingthat she had hoped her parents
(12:34):
would've provided her with.
He was offering her support andencouragement.
He was highly encouraging overeverything that she was doing
and paying her for work.
He was the one that she wouldtalk to when she was having a
hard time processing things.
He knew about her family lifeand he wanted to be there to
support her, and over time hetook advantage of that.
(12:54):
He started to touch herinappropriately and kind of
stalk her in different things.
It was a pretty rough situation,and when Sherry realized that,
okay, this isn't what I want,this has gone too far and I
don't wanna be here, she startedto over own the situation.
She went and told her clergy.
She said, Hey, this is happeningand I want it to end.
(13:15):
And I'm so sorry and kind ofover owned the situation, which
I think a lot of victims tend todo.
They over own the situation.
And I just wanna remind you thatyou were manipulated into the
situation and you recognizingthat you are out of integrity
with yourself.
That's actually revealing to youthe truth of who you are.
You are not the one who ismanipulated into doing those
(13:36):
things, you are the one who isrecognizing that that is out of
alignment with who you are.
Trauma bonding pushes victims toact in ways that go against
their own integrity.
So it might be allowing someoneto touch you or abandoning your
children for a year, but this isnot a true reflection of your
character.
It is a deliberate tactic usedby the abuser to keep their
(13:59):
victim trapped and silent.
It's essentially, now I havesomething I can use against you
later.
So victims might be pressuredinto doing things that they
wouldn't otherwise do, such asallowing unwanted physical
contact, engaging in illegalactivities, or allowing the
crossing of personal boundaries,all in an effort to prove their
trust and their loyalty tosomeone else.
(14:20):
And this manipulation can createreally deep shame, keeping them
from speaking out.
About the abuse.
So this is the insidious natureof trauma bonding.
It makes victims believe thatthey are responsible for fixing
the situation when in realitythey were manipulated into it
from the start.
But here's the truth, is thatthere is significant power, and
(14:41):
recognizing the manipulation, inreclaiming your voice, and in
speaking your truth.
If you are wondering whether youmight be in a trauma bond,
here's a few key signs to lookfor.
Number one, a cycle of highs andlows.
The relationship swings betweenextreme kindness and extreme
cruelty, and this causes a lotof confusion and a feeling like
(15:02):
you're walking on eggshells.
The abuser may be loving onemoment and then demeaning,
distant and abusive the nextmoment, and this
unpredictability is what createsthis powerful emotional
addiction, making it really hardto leave.
In fact, I don't think I saidthis about the rats, but not
only were the rats driven crazythrough the sporadic
reinforcement, but they werealso showing all of the
(15:22):
behaviors of an addict.
That is something else thatthese victims of trauma bonding
experience.
All right.
A second thing.
They feel trapped but unable towalk away.
So even if you recognize thatrelationship is harmful, then
you may feel emotionally orpsychologically stuck.
Maybe you're afraid that you'llget into trouble for the things
(15:43):
that you did when you were outof your integrity in that
relationship.
Maybe you find that you'rejustifying their behavior or
making excuses for them, ortelling yourself that things
will get better despite noticingthat repeated pattern of hurt.
Number three, blaming yourselffor their actions.
You find yourself constantlyquestioning if you are the
problem.
(16:03):
When they mistreated you, youwonder, okay, well what did I do
wrong?
I must have done somethingwrong.
I must have set them up.
And then you find yourselfworking even harder to earn
their approval or to avoidconflict.
And over time, theirmanipulations make you doubt
your own reality, right?
So it's again, that imbalance inrelationship where initially
they may have been investingmore, but now they're investing
(16:24):
hardly anything, and youcontinue to feel that duty and
obligation to prove yourself tothem.
Number four, isolation offriends and family.
In this situation, the abuser isdiscouraging or outright
preventing you from spendingtime with other people that
could offer you support.
So maybe they're guilting youand saying, well, I just wanted
(16:44):
to have time with you, and it'scoming through that lens.
Or maybe they're straight uptelling you, no, I don't want
you alone with them.
They don't like me, and tryingto pit you against your friends
and family.
And if this is happening, thenyou may feel really disconnected
from your loved ones, eitherbecause you've been pushed away
or because you fear that theywon't understand what it is that
you're going through.
All right.
Number five is feeling a deepsense of loyalty.
(17:07):
Even when it hurts you, nomatter how much pain they cause,
you feel a strong emotionalattachment to them.
You might justify your actionsor by remembering their good
moments, right?
You're thinking, well, the goodoutweighs the bad, and maybe for
a time the good will outweighthe bad.
But be honest with yourself oncethose scales have tipped, maybe
you actually are even believingthat, well, they need me in
(17:29):
order to change.
I'm the only one that can helpthem.
And so other people might beexpressing concern, but you
might find that you areminimizing or defending their
behavior because you feel like,no, like they really need me in
this.
So if any of these resonate withyou, know that you're not alone,
and that recognizing these signsis a powerful first step towards
(17:50):
healing.
So if this is you, seek somesupport from a coach, a
therapist, or a trusted personthat can help you to break free
of this relationship and reclaimyour sense of self.
Now, if you are listening andyou're realizing that you might
be in a trauma bond, I want youto hear me loud and clear.
You are not broken.
You are waking up.
(18:11):
And you don't have to do thisalone.
Recognizing the signs ofpsychological abuse, it is
painful.
But it's also a powerful andvital step towards healing.
And the more you honor your ownvalues and listen to that inner
voice telling you that somethingisn't right, the more strength
you can reclaim.
So please find a safe space totalk about your experience.
(18:33):
Reach out to a therapist or acoach.
Depending on where you're at inyour healing journey, you may
need a therapist, or if you'reat a different point, then
coaching can be very helpful.
But find a therapist, a coach, atrusted friend to share your
story with.
The fact that something feelsoff, it means that you do have a
value system, and that meansthat you can rebuild your life
(18:55):
in alignment with that valuesystem.
You deserve to have personalsafety.
You deserve to have clarity.
You deserve to have a life thatisn't all about walking on
eggshells to accommodate otherpeople.
You deserve love that doesn'tcome with conditions.
So remember that your truthmatters.
(19:16):
If you would like a little bitof clarity, identifying what is
happening in your relationshipand if it is supportive for you
or not.
If there is a chance of changein your relationship, I
encourage you to come and grab acopy of my, should I stay or
should I Go Journal?
You can find a link for that inthe show notes.
This just helps you to seethings a little bit more
clearly.
It just asks some very basicquestions to bring things into
(19:37):
your conscious awareness to helpyou to get a bit more clarity
around how does this personrespond when I tell them no.
how do they respond when I wantto do something different?
It can help to just bring all ofthese things into your conscious
awareness.
So if you're interested in that,come and check it out.
It is only$11 and can bring youa lot of clarity, so come and
check it out.
All right, you are loved, youare amazing, and you listening
(19:59):
is showing that you are workingto be in alignment with your
value system.
So let that shame go.
You are learning and you aregrowing.
Alright, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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