October 30, 2025 • 20 mins
Why many people pleasers struggle with anger (and how to start feeling it safely)
For many people pleasers, anger feels unsafe, unpredictable, or even shameful. But here’s the truth—anger itself isn’t the problem. It’s actually a signal, like a check engine light, telling us something is out of alignment.
This is part one of a two-part series on anger. In today’s episode, we’ll explore why people pleasers struggle with anger and the many ways it can show up. Next week, we’ll dive into what anger is here to teach us and how it can actually help us live more authentic and aligned lives.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- Why anger feels so unsafe for people pleasers.
- How suppressing emotions leads to shame, resentment, and burnout.
- The “rule of thirds” of life and why resisting emotions only compounds suffering.
- Sneaky ways anger shows up: passive aggression, sarcasm, silent treatment, martyrdom, over-accommodating, and more.
- Why anger is best understood as a check engine light, inviting curiosity rather than panic.
Challenge for the Week:
Notice how anger shows up for you. Do you turn it inward? Suppress it? Explode? Withdraw? Instead of judging yourself, simply observe your patterns. Awareness is the first step to creating change.
Work With Me:
If you’re ready to better understand your emotions and break free from the cycle of people-pleasing, I’d love to support you. Visit www.maryannwalker.life
to apply for coaching, or email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life
.
Don’t Forget to Subscribe:
This is part one of a two-part series on anger. Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss next week’s episode, where we’ll uncover what anger is here to teach you.
✨ I'm currently offering 6 and 12 week 1:1 coaching packages where we’ll dive deep into the limiting beliefs shaping your life and create space for growth, clarity, and connection.
🎯 Ready to reserve your 6 or 12 week package? email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to get started and inquire about availability.
Let’s Stay Connected:
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/maryannwalker.life
🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@maryannwalker.life
Related Episodes:
168: Am I The Jerk Now? How to Set Boundaries Without Becoming The Villain https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/17472392
162: How to Stop Fixing, Controlling, and Over-Accomodating Everyonehttps://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/17147279
127: When Someone Makes You Upset: How to Control Your Feelings https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/15548383
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach who helps
recovering people pleasers andhighly sensitive people better
understand what it is that theiremotions are there to teach
them.
So many of my clients resistfeeling negative emotions,
specifically because they don'twanna feel bad.
It makes sense, right?
But here's the thing is I don'tactually believe the emotions
(00:20):
are positive or negative.
I think all emotions are neutraland they're to teach us
something, even the scary ones.
And for recovering people,pleasers especially anger is one
of the more resisted emotions.
So in this two part series, yes,this is gonna be two parts.
So make sure subscribe.
So you can hear next week's aswell.
But we're going to be exploringtoday.
(00:41):
Why it feels so unsafe forpeople pleasers to experience
anger and how it shows up forthem.
And then in part two, that'sgonna be dropping next week,
we're gonna talk about, okay,what can we actually learn from
anger?
So for today, why do peoplepleasers struggle so much with
the emotion of anger?
The truth is that many peoplepleasers, they became people
pleasers because they neveractually learned how to sit with
(01:01):
negative emotions.
Instead, they invested all oftheir energy into keeping
everybody else happy in order tobasically avoid conflict or
avoid experiencing rejection.
But here's the problem, is whenwe're investing all of our time
and energy into making sureeverybody else feels okay, so
that we can feel okay when we'remaking our feeling okay,
conditional upon externalfactors, we make it a lot less
(01:23):
likely that we're gonna befeeling okay.
Instead we're going to beexperiencing is a feeling of
walking on eggshells.
Where now I must tiptoe aroundeverybody else and make sure
everybody else is okay so that Ican feel okay.
The truth is we can't controlother people's emotions.
And because we're human, wecannot avoid having negative
emotions ourselves.
And in fact, the more we pushthem away, the more we're
(01:45):
actually compounding thesenegative emotions because we're
judging that we're experiencingthose negative emotions.
So then we're adding shame andblame on top of an already
negative emotion.
So it's just making it worse.
Okay.
So I really kind of like tothink of life as the rule of
thirds.
So it's one third positive, it'sone third negative, and then
there's this other third that'sjust completely neutral.
(02:06):
It's not positive or negative,it just is.
And the thing is that what weresist persists.
So when we're resisting thosenegative emotions, we're
actually making ourselves feelmore miserable and more out of
control.
And that's because we're nowadding on a second layer of
suffering by judging ourselves,by telling ourselves that we
shouldn't feel this way.
(02:26):
And this is where anger getsreally tricky.
Now, I want you to just pausefor a minute and think about a
time when you felt angry.
Okay?
And I don't usually do this.
But I'm just gonna give you afew ideas of things that might
make you feel a little bit angryso that you can kind of
remember, oh yeah, that doeskind of upset me, because
sometimes recovering peoplepleasers, we're so far removed
from our anger that we don'tknow it until it's in the
(02:47):
moment.
Okay, so if you're having a hardtime thinking of a thing to be
angry about, I want you to thinkabout these things.
Sitting in a traffic jam,arguing about politics.
Maybe your partner forgot yourbirthday or an anniversary.
maybe you're the only one thatpicks up the slack in
relationship.
This might be at work, at home,in relationships, in your
friendships.
Maybe you're the only one thatpicks up the slack.
(03:09):
Maybe you're the only one thatsigned up on that signup sheet.
So now you're feeling thisresponsibility to do more than
you actually signed up for topick up the slack there.
Maybe it's narcissistic behaviorthat really sets you off a lack
of empathy or compassion.
Maybe it's gun rights,immigration.
These are some hot button issuesthat may create some feelings of
(03:29):
anger in you.
Now, I want you to just kind ofthink about that anger for a
minute, and first really thinkabout how does it feel on my
body?
If you've been resisting anger,it can be extremely
uncomfortable to just sit withthe emotion.
So I'm gonna ask you right now,when you're just listening to a
podcast, you're completely safe.
No one is out to get you.
But I want you to just sit inyour body and notice how anger
(03:51):
feels in your body.
Where does it sit for you?
For me, anger is kind of in mychest or in my upper stomach
area.
Kind of depends on what I'mangry about.
For some people, it shows up intheir head.
Their head gets really hot.
For me, anger feels a littlechaotic.
It feels, it does feel hot to meand it feels chaotic where it's
just kind of bouncing around,but it's kind of trying to push
(04:13):
me forward.
It's trying to say somethingisn't right.
It's that righteous indignation,right?
That, look, I know that I'mright and everybody else should
get on board with what it isthat I'm saying because they're
obviously wrong.
It's creating that forwardmomentum because that anger is
there to show you that, ugh,something isn't in alignment.
Something is off right now.
In fact, I want you to reallythink about anger as your check
(04:34):
engine light on your car.
Now, when your check enginelight turns on, you don't wanna
freak out, but you do want tointentionally take your car in
and see, okay, what's coming up?
Get really curious about, isthis going to be a little fix or
a big fix?
What is actually coming up here?
Think about your anger in thesame way.
You don't need to freak out, butuse it as an opportunity to get
curious about, hmm, somethingmust be out of alignment.
(04:58):
I wonder what it might be.
Start that inquiry, and this iswhere coaching can be extremely
helpful, is you can actuallyinvite in a coach, a third party
observer to come and help you todissect that.
Sometimes when we're too closeto a situation, it makes it
really hard for us to see thissituation clearly.
In fact, that's why I still getcoaching.
Yes, I am a coach.
And I also get coaching at leastweekly because it helps me to
(05:21):
see things a bit more clearly.
Sometimes we just need a littlebit of outside perspective to
help us to even recognize that,Ooh, yep.
That doesn't sound quite right.
Right.
It's like taking your car intothe mechanic so you can totally
take the time to journal on ityourself.
And also, it's okay to seek helpwhen you need it.
So notice what's happeninginside of you.
(05:42):
Notice if you find yourselfresisting anywhere in your body,
it might be like a physicalresistance that, Hmm, I just
don't wanna feel this.
Or maybe it's a block in yourhead where now you find yourself
replaying a conversation thatyou had recently.
Just kind of notice what is itthat my mind and my body wants
to do?
Because what anger does is it'sdemanding our attention.
(06:03):
It's often showing up because wehaven't given enough attention
to the problem.
We haven't actually acknowledgedthat this is a problem for us.
We've been trying to suppress itand pretend it doesn't matter,
and now our check engine lightis on, and so our anger is
saying, no, this is demandingyour attention right now.
This is extremely important.
(06:24):
So again, don't panic when yousee it, but get curious about
why it's there.
So now let's talk a little bitabout the roots of anger
resistance for people pleasersspecifically, why do people
pleasers struggle so much withanger?
There are several reasons we'regonna talk about just a few of
them, but often this goes backto our childhood conditioning.
Maybe you were taught that angerwas bad.
(06:46):
That, no, you're supposed to bea peacemaker.
Peacemakers aren't angry.
Anger isn't peaceful, so no,that's bad.
It's unsafe to feel anger.
It's unpredictable.
Maybe your parent or caregiver,they were not safe because they
didn't know how to manage theiranger, so you just decided to
shut it down completely andnever experience anger.
Never allow yourself to evenacknowledge that you're angry.
(07:08):
Maybe you're being told thatyou're being selfish by throwing
a tantrum.
"How dare you?
You should be thinking of otherpeople." There's a lot of things
that may have happened in yourchildhood that have conditioned
this response to having aresistance for anger.
You essentially learned it wassafer to only express positive
emotions, so this is often wherethe nice guy or the good girl
identities show up is that thatis how we've learned how to
(07:30):
navigate life so that we canexperience more peace is
tiptoeing around others, makingit all nice, smoothing things
over that.
That's what keeps us safe.
Another reason that peoplepleasers may resist anger is a
fear of rejection.
Many people pleasers fear thatif they actually reveal their
anger, people will leave.
But then that forces them to notbe their true and authentic
(07:53):
self.
And in fact, even when theythink,"no, this is who I am as.
Somebody that suppresses anger.
This is me being authentic isme.
Being a peacekeeper," you're notactually being authentic.
You're not being your authenticself when you're pretending that
everything is okay, when itisn't, and you're not actually
your authentic self when you'rethen exploding because things
are no longer tolerable for you.
The true authentic you is theone that is at peace and mindful
(08:16):
within themselves and canrecognize the whole picture.
That, oh, I'm starting to noticethat I'm angry.
It's catching those warningsigns earlier, noticing that
check engine light earlier sothat you can actually tend to
the problem before it becomes ahuge, expensive fix.
Okay, and in this case we'retalking about, expensive
relationally that, oh, is thisworth the cost of my
(08:38):
relationship?
It's learning how to navigate itand keep it manageable for you.
All right.
Another reason why peoplepleasers suppress anger is
because they have a peacekeeperidentity.
Sometimes we over identify withbeing the calm one or the fixer,
the one that smooth things over,the one that just makes all of
the problems go away.
(08:59):
But then when you find yourselffeeling tired.
Feeling hungry.
You've been putting off your ownwants and needs for so long in
an effort to keep the peace,then often that's when you're
going to be experiencing moreanger and resentment.
And when you are overgiving inrelationship, when you are being
the one who's fixing everythingand smoothing everything over,
then oftentimes then thatcreates the very imbalance that
(09:22):
was triggering our anger in thefirst place.
So now instead of experiencingless anger, we're actually
experiencing more anger, andwe're experiencing resentment
now because we have thissubconscious belief that, but
I've been so good, and so nowI'm entitled to this.
Now I'm entitled to you showingup for me.
But we might not have actuallybeen making the changes in order
to get our needs met.
(09:43):
So the end result is usually thesame, is that we experience that
pent up resentment andoftentimes, and that's turned
inward.
So yes, we are upset with othersand also often people pleasers
turn that anger in towardsthemselves.
We set the bar so high for howpeople are supposed to show up.
We really hold ourselves througha high standard.
So you might actually be turningthat anger inward, thinking,
(10:06):
well, I shouldn't be feelingthis way, or you might be
experiencing external outbursts,where now the pressure has built
so much and we just lose it, andnow we're taking it out on those
that are close to us.
Now anger can show up a bit moresubtly for people pleasers.
Yes, sometimes it is that veryexternal outburst that does
happen.
And also I wanna share with yousome of the warning signs that
(10:29):
you may wanna start noticing abit earlier before it hits that
stage because it is a sneakyone.
Okay, so sometimes anger showsup as passive aggression.
Maybe you're saying, no, I'mfine when you're not fine.
Maybe you're saying, no, I'vegot it.
When really you want some help,it's showing up as that passive
aggression thinking.
Well, they'll just see that Ineed help, and then they should
(10:51):
just step in and help me.
I don't have to say anything.
I'll just make all these passiveaggressive comments until they
start to show up for me.
Then they'll know.
Okay, but clear is kind, unclearis unkind, and when you are
being passive aggressive,instead of just saying what it
is that you need, then you'rebeing very unclear, which is
unkind to the relationshipbecause they might not be as
sensitive as you.
(11:11):
Yeah, maybe you're prettyintuitive and you know what it
is that other people need, butthey might need it explicitly
stated before they're able tostep up and into that.
So notice if you're experiencingthat passive aggression, that's
one of the early warning signsthat anger is coming into your
life.
Okay?
Another way it can show up isthrough the silent treatment.
This is kind of going back tochildhood of thinking.
(11:32):
Well, if you can't say somethingnice, don't say anything at all.
And so instead you might bepulling back, almost ghosting
the relationship.
It's just that silent treatmentwhere it can feel very powerful
in the moment.
It can feel very empowering, butit doesn't actually solve the
problem.
You're not actually addressingthe problem.
You're just basically like ifyour car's making a funny noise,
(11:52):
yeah, I'm gonna keep using thiscar analogy.
You're just turning up the radioand pretending like it's not
there.
Just, yeah.
Eventually it will go away, butthen the problem may actually be
getting bigger due to that lackof attention.
It might also show up as we'vetalked a bit about as that
self-directed anger blamingyourself, Ugh, I should have
spoken up sooner.
I should have stated thatboundary sooner.
(12:13):
I shouldn't have allowed them topass my boundary like they just
did.
I can't believe that I did this.
It's all my fault.
We're over owning the situationand that creates that
self-directed anger.
It's almost easier to be angrywith ourselves sometimes than it
is to be angry with othersbecause if we're angry with
ourselves, we can't leaveourselves.
Right.
Even though.
Truly, we're self abandoning atthat moment.
(12:33):
So we can actually abandonourselves, but we like to think,
oh, well, if I just make itabout me, I can't self abandon.
I'm still here.
For me, it's gonna be okay.
But then also then you areabandoning yourself in the
relationship and we're thinking,well, I can't bring it up with
them, because then they mightreject me, then they might leave
me, then they might abandon me.
So instead, we're selfabandoning and that's not going
(12:54):
to help the problem.
It might also look like overaccommodating other people.
This is saying yes when you wantto say no, and you're doing this
in an attempt to avoid conflict,but when you keep over
accommodating other people.
Yeah.
And we do it thinking, well, ifI just keep showing up for them,
then they'll show up for me.
But more than likely, if you'renot expressing your needs, then
(13:15):
that anger is going to bleedinto other parts of their life.
So you might be saying yes whenyou wanna say no in an attempt
to avoid conflict, buteventually you're gonna burn
out.
And when you do burnout, itmakes it a lot more likely that
that anger, we're gonna losecontrol of the anger and we're
gonna have that resentment.
It's going to magnify a lot ofthose emotions.
People pleasers do a pretty goodjob showing up and over
(13:37):
accommodating other people whenthey're feeling good, but when
they start to get burned out,tired, hungry, any of that, when
they start to not feel wellphysically, which is another
sign of that anger, then that'swhen it is that they're going to
be having those problems inrelationship.
It's a lot harder to navigatelife when it's gotten to that
point, so be very mindful ofthat.
It may also show up as sarcasm,or maybe you're making jokes
(13:59):
about how it is that you'refeeling, thinking that they
should pick up on it.
But again, that's kind of likethe passive aggression, right?
It's not actually going to helpthings.
It's not actually shedding lighton the problem.
Instead, it's creating thatporcupine energy where we think
that, oh, if I can just make ajoke about it, it'll be fine.
But people can feel the energywhen you're being sarcastic,
when you're being passiveaggressive, and it can actually
(14:20):
really magnify things as well.
It might also look likeemotional withdrawal.
This one is, the one that ismost common is the people
pleasers, they tend to just shutdown completely.
It's, well, I guess that youcan't fulfill my needs anymore.
It's easier to just quit.
It's easier to just give up onrelationship.
I'm too burned out.
I can't address it.
I don't wanna speak up.
(14:40):
I'm too tired at this point.
And when you are having thatemotional withdrawal, it is
because you've allowed theburnout to go on for too long.
And it's kinder for therelationship to let them know
ahead of time.
Again, it's that check enginelight.
We don't want to let the wholevehicle burnout, in this case,
us, right?
We don't want to burn ourselvesout at the cost of the
(15:02):
relationship.
So noticing these signs earlieron, noticing, Ooh, I'm starting
to feel a desire to emotionallywithdraw.
What can I do about that so thatI don't sacrifice the whole
relationship?
Because if you don't fix it inthis relationship, it's going to
show up in your nextrelationship so you're not
actually avoiding theconfrontation.
You're going to be forced toconfront it eventually.
(15:24):
You can either choose to do itnow in your current relationship
or choose to do it in your nextrelationship, but you are
eventually going to have to facethe music here.
It can also really show upthrough martyrdom energy.
This is that victim mindset.
And this ties in with so many ofthe things we've just talked
about, the over accommodation,all of these different things
where it's not No, no, I canjust do it myself.
(15:46):
It's creates that hyperindependence and that hyper
independence is a traumaresponse.
It's when we have learnedthrough countless experiences
that it's not safe.
To ask for help.
It's safer to just do itourselves.
We're the only one that we candepend on.
Everybody else has abandoned usor has changed their mind, or
wasn't able to show up for us inthe way that we needed, and so
just notice that martyrdomenergy, that oftentimes that's
(16:09):
what's underneath this anger isjust feeling that hyper
independence, that I must do itmyself because I can't count on
them to do it for me, or I can'tcount on them to do it with me.
And also just as we alreadytalked about, it can also lead
to those big explosions wherethere's yelling, there's name
calling, there's lashing out.
This is when everything hasboiled over.
(16:31):
So it's essentially like holdinga beach ball under the water.
I know I've used this analogy somany times on here, but here it
is again.
I have a ton of new listeners,so here it is.
But essentially when we'retrying to suppress emotions,
it's like holding a beach ballunder the water and that is
sustainable for a little while.
But eventually that beach ballis going to explode out of the
water, and when it does, so itmight smack us in the face.
(16:53):
It might blow out of the waterand knock somebody else off of
their feet...
at that point we have a hundredpercent lost control, so we
think that we have things undercontrol holding that beach ball
under the water, but it's notsustainable to do that.
And so taking the time to reallylet it come up gradually, really
look at it.
Observe it, rather than justsuppressing it and holding it
(17:14):
under the water and pretendinglike it's not there, but to
really be mindful about, okay,I'm going to allow this to come
up so I can be a mindfulobserver of it, so that you can
actually create that change.
So here's the good news is angeris not the enemy.
In fact, anger is full of somuch wisdom.
It has so much to teach us.
And in part two of the seriesthat we'll be dropping next
(17:37):
week, we're gonna be talkingabout what anger is there to
teach us.
And usually, here's your littleteaser for this, is it's gonna
teach you one of three things.
It's gonna either teach youabout your boundaries, your
values, or your unmet needs.
And so next week I'll give you afew specific examples about how
your anger can actually guideyou towards healthier and more
(17:57):
authentic living.
But in the meantime, I simplywant you to just notice how is
it that anger is showing up foryou?
When you experience anger, doyou suppress it?
Do you turn it inward onyourself?
Do you just let yourselfexplode?
And I don't want you to judgeit.
I just want you to become awareof it.
Because when we're aware of howit's currently showing up for
(18:18):
us, that's when we can actuallybe really self-aware about,
okay, is that actually workingfor me?
Is that how I want it to show upfor me?
Okay.
We have to know where we're atin order to come up with a plan
moving forward.
So.
If where you're at currently is,yeah, I recognize I really do
suppress a lot of my anger.
I recognize I'm being reallypassive aggressive in my
relationship.
(18:38):
I'm not asking for what it isthat I need.
I really want you to, numberone, come and work with me.
Number two, make sure that youtune in next week.
Make sure you subscribe so thatyou can learn more about what it
is that anger is there to teachyou.
Now, if you would like some helpand support navigating this in
your own life, you can come andwork with me.
Simply go to my website,www.maryannwalker.life, where
you can apply to work with me,or you can email me at
(18:59):
maryann@maryannwalker.life.
You can find all of my contactinformation in the show notes.
So come and check and see whatmy.
Current availability is atwhatever time you're listening
to this episode, I would love tobe your life coach.
And also, before you go, I justwant to give you such a big
thank you.
This last week I received anuptick in apple reviews and it
(19:20):
made such a significantdifference in how many
downloads..
You guys, I nearly doubled indownloads and I am just so
humbled by that and so gratefulfor that.
It was honestly just a handfulof reviews and it made a
significant difference in whatit was that my podcasting
platforms chose to push out toother people.
So if you have a moment, and ifthis has meant something to you,
(19:42):
if you appreciate what it isthat you've been learning here,
I would deeply appreciate areview.
And so yeah, you can go aheadand just click on the Apple
Podcasts or comment below, butlet me know that you enjoy
what's here and let's reallygrow this community.
Right now, the world more thanever, it needs more help and
support when it comes todeepening our levels of
emotional awareness, emotionalprocessing, and emotional
(20:03):
maturity.
So every share and every reviewreally helps me to reach more
people and help the world tojust have a little bit more when
it comes to emotionalintelligence.
Alright, well thank you so muchfor being here, and I'll see you
next week as we talk more aboutanger.
See you then.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach who helps
recovering people pleasers andhighly sensitive people better
understand what it is that theiremotions are there to teach
them.
So many of my clients resistfeeling negative emotions,
specifically because they don'twanna feel bad.
It makes sense, right?
But here's the thing is I don'tactually believe the emotions
(00:20):
are positive or negative.
I think all emotions are neutraland they're to teach us
something, even the scary ones.
And for recovering people,pleasers especially anger is one
of the more resisted emotions.
So in this two part series, yes,this is gonna be two parts.
So make sure subscribe.
So you can hear next week's aswell.
But we're going to be exploringtoday.
(00:41):
Why it feels so unsafe forpeople pleasers to experience
anger and how it shows up forthem.
And then in part two, that'sgonna be dropping next week,
we're gonna talk about, okay,what can we actually learn from
anger?
So for today, why do peoplepleasers struggle so much with
the emotion of anger?
The truth is that many peoplepleasers, they became people
pleasers because they neveractually learned how to sit with
(01:01):
negative emotions.
Instead, they invested all oftheir energy into keeping
everybody else happy in order tobasically avoid conflict or
avoid experiencing rejection.
But here's the problem, is whenwe're investing all of our time
and energy into making sureeverybody else feels okay, so
that we can feel okay when we'remaking our feeling okay,
conditional upon externalfactors, we make it a lot less
(01:23):
likely that we're gonna befeeling okay.
Instead we're going to beexperiencing is a feeling of
walking on eggshells.
Where now I must tiptoe aroundeverybody else and make sure
everybody else is okay so that Ican feel okay.
The truth is we can't controlother people's emotions.
And because we're human, wecannot avoid having negative
emotions ourselves.
And in fact, the more we pushthem away, the more we're
(01:45):
actually compounding thesenegative emotions because we're
judging that we're experiencingthose negative emotions.
So then we're adding shame andblame on top of an already
negative emotion.
So it's just making it worse.
Okay.
So I really kind of like tothink of life as the rule of
thirds.
So it's one third positive, it'sone third negative, and then
there's this other third that'sjust completely neutral.
(02:06):
It's not positive or negative,it just is.
And the thing is that what weresist persists.
So when we're resisting thosenegative emotions, we're
actually making ourselves feelmore miserable and more out of
control.
And that's because we're nowadding on a second layer of
suffering by judging ourselves,by telling ourselves that we
shouldn't feel this way.
(02:26):
And this is where anger getsreally tricky.
Now, I want you to just pausefor a minute and think about a
time when you felt angry.
Okay?
And I don't usually do this.
But I'm just gonna give you afew ideas of things that might
make you feel a little bit angryso that you can kind of
remember, oh yeah, that doeskind of upset me, because
sometimes recovering peoplepleasers, we're so far removed
from our anger that we don'tknow it until it's in the
(02:47):
moment.
Okay, so if you're having a hardtime thinking of a thing to be
angry about, I want you to thinkabout these things.
Sitting in a traffic jam,arguing about politics.
Maybe your partner forgot yourbirthday or an anniversary.
maybe you're the only one thatpicks up the slack in
relationship.
This might be at work, at home,in relationships, in your
friendships.
Maybe you're the only one thatpicks up the slack.
(03:09):
Maybe you're the only one thatsigned up on that signup sheet.
So now you're feeling thisresponsibility to do more than
you actually signed up for topick up the slack there.
Maybe it's narcissistic behaviorthat really sets you off a lack
of empathy or compassion.
Maybe it's gun rights,immigration.
These are some hot button issuesthat may create some feelings of
(03:29):
anger in you.
Now, I want you to just kind ofthink about that anger for a
minute, and first really thinkabout how does it feel on my
body?
If you've been resisting anger,it can be extremely
uncomfortable to just sit withthe emotion.
So I'm gonna ask you right now,when you're just listening to a
podcast, you're completely safe.
No one is out to get you.
But I want you to just sit inyour body and notice how anger
(03:51):
feels in your body.
Where does it sit for you?
For me, anger is kind of in mychest or in my upper stomach
area.
Kind of depends on what I'mangry about.
For some people, it shows up intheir head.
Their head gets really hot.
For me, anger feels a littlechaotic.
It feels, it does feel hot to meand it feels chaotic where it's
just kind of bouncing around,but it's kind of trying to push
(04:13):
me forward.
It's trying to say somethingisn't right.
It's that righteous indignation,right?
That, look, I know that I'mright and everybody else should
get on board with what it isthat I'm saying because they're
obviously wrong.
It's creating that forwardmomentum because that anger is
there to show you that, ugh,something isn't in alignment.
Something is off right now.
In fact, I want you to reallythink about anger as your check
(04:34):
engine light on your car.
Now, when your check enginelight turns on, you don't wanna
freak out, but you do want tointentionally take your car in
and see, okay, what's coming up?
Get really curious about, isthis going to be a little fix or
a big fix?
What is actually coming up here?
Think about your anger in thesame way.
You don't need to freak out, butuse it as an opportunity to get
curious about, hmm, somethingmust be out of alignment.
(04:58):
I wonder what it might be.
Start that inquiry, and this iswhere coaching can be extremely
helpful, is you can actuallyinvite in a coach, a third party
observer to come and help you todissect that.
Sometimes when we're too closeto a situation, it makes it
really hard for us to see thissituation clearly.
In fact, that's why I still getcoaching.
Yes, I am a coach.
And I also get coaching at leastweekly because it helps me to
(05:21):
see things a bit more clearly.
Sometimes we just need a littlebit of outside perspective to
help us to even recognize that,Ooh, yep.
That doesn't sound quite right.
Right.
It's like taking your car intothe mechanic so you can totally
take the time to journal on ityourself.
And also, it's okay to seek helpwhen you need it.
So notice what's happeninginside of you.
(05:42):
Notice if you find yourselfresisting anywhere in your body,
it might be like a physicalresistance that, Hmm, I just
don't wanna feel this.
Or maybe it's a block in yourhead where now you find yourself
replaying a conversation thatyou had recently.
Just kind of notice what is itthat my mind and my body wants
to do?
Because what anger does is it'sdemanding our attention.
(06:03):
It's often showing up because wehaven't given enough attention
to the problem.
We haven't actually acknowledgedthat this is a problem for us.
We've been trying to suppress itand pretend it doesn't matter,
and now our check engine lightis on, and so our anger is
saying, no, this is demandingyour attention right now.
This is extremely important.
(06:24):
So again, don't panic when yousee it, but get curious about
why it's there.
So now let's talk a little bitabout the roots of anger
resistance for people pleasersspecifically, why do people
pleasers struggle so much withanger?
There are several reasons we'regonna talk about just a few of
them, but often this goes backto our childhood conditioning.
Maybe you were taught that angerwas bad.
(06:46):
That, no, you're supposed to bea peacemaker.
Peacemakers aren't angry.
Anger isn't peaceful, so no,that's bad.
It's unsafe to feel anger.
It's unpredictable.
Maybe your parent or caregiver,they were not safe because they
didn't know how to manage theiranger, so you just decided to
shut it down completely andnever experience anger.
Never allow yourself to evenacknowledge that you're angry.
(07:08):
Maybe you're being told thatyou're being selfish by throwing
a tantrum.
"How dare you?
You should be thinking of otherpeople." There's a lot of things
that may have happened in yourchildhood that have conditioned
this response to having aresistance for anger.
You essentially learned it wassafer to only express positive
emotions, so this is often wherethe nice guy or the good girl
identities show up is that thatis how we've learned how to
(07:30):
navigate life so that we canexperience more peace is
tiptoeing around others, makingit all nice, smoothing things
over that.
That's what keeps us safe.
Another reason that peoplepleasers may resist anger is a
fear of rejection.
Many people pleasers fear thatif they actually reveal their
anger, people will leave.
But then that forces them to notbe their true and authentic
(07:53):
self.
And in fact, even when theythink,"no, this is who I am as.
Somebody that suppresses anger.
This is me being authentic isme.
Being a peacekeeper," you're notactually being authentic.
You're not being your authenticself when you're pretending that
everything is okay, when itisn't, and you're not actually
your authentic self when you'rethen exploding because things
are no longer tolerable for you.
The true authentic you is theone that is at peace and mindful
(08:16):
within themselves and canrecognize the whole picture.
That, oh, I'm starting to noticethat I'm angry.
It's catching those warningsigns earlier, noticing that
check engine light earlier sothat you can actually tend to
the problem before it becomes ahuge, expensive fix.
Okay, and in this case we'retalking about, expensive
relationally that, oh, is thisworth the cost of my
(08:38):
relationship?
It's learning how to navigate itand keep it manageable for you.
All right.
Another reason why peoplepleasers suppress anger is
because they have a peacekeeperidentity.
Sometimes we over identify withbeing the calm one or the fixer,
the one that smooth things over,the one that just makes all of
the problems go away.
(08:59):
But then when you find yourselffeeling tired.
Feeling hungry.
You've been putting off your ownwants and needs for so long in
an effort to keep the peace,then often that's when you're
going to be experiencing moreanger and resentment.
And when you are overgiving inrelationship, when you are being
the one who's fixing everythingand smoothing everything over,
then oftentimes then thatcreates the very imbalance that
(09:22):
was triggering our anger in thefirst place.
So now instead of experiencingless anger, we're actually
experiencing more anger, andwe're experiencing resentment
now because we have thissubconscious belief that, but
I've been so good, and so nowI'm entitled to this.
Now I'm entitled to you showingup for me.
But we might not have actuallybeen making the changes in order
to get our needs met.
(09:43):
So the end result is usually thesame, is that we experience that
pent up resentment andoftentimes, and that's turned
inward.
So yes, we are upset with othersand also often people pleasers
turn that anger in towardsthemselves.
We set the bar so high for howpeople are supposed to show up.
We really hold ourselves througha high standard.
So you might actually be turningthat anger inward, thinking,
(10:06):
well, I shouldn't be feelingthis way, or you might be
experiencing external outbursts,where now the pressure has built
so much and we just lose it, andnow we're taking it out on those
that are close to us.
Now anger can show up a bit moresubtly for people pleasers.
Yes, sometimes it is that veryexternal outburst that does
happen.
And also I wanna share with yousome of the warning signs that
(10:29):
you may wanna start noticing abit earlier before it hits that
stage because it is a sneakyone.
Okay, so sometimes anger showsup as passive aggression.
Maybe you're saying, no, I'mfine when you're not fine.
Maybe you're saying, no, I'vegot it.
When really you want some help,it's showing up as that passive
aggression thinking.
Well, they'll just see that Ineed help, and then they should
(10:51):
just step in and help me.
I don't have to say anything.
I'll just make all these passiveaggressive comments until they
start to show up for me.
Then they'll know.
Okay, but clear is kind, unclearis unkind, and when you are
being passive aggressive,instead of just saying what it
is that you need, then you'rebeing very unclear, which is
unkind to the relationshipbecause they might not be as
sensitive as you.
(11:11):
Yeah, maybe you're prettyintuitive and you know what it
is that other people need, butthey might need it explicitly
stated before they're able tostep up and into that.
So notice if you're experiencingthat passive aggression, that's
one of the early warning signsthat anger is coming into your
life.
Okay?
Another way it can show up isthrough the silent treatment.
This is kind of going back tochildhood of thinking.
(11:32):
Well, if you can't say somethingnice, don't say anything at all.
And so instead you might bepulling back, almost ghosting
the relationship.
It's just that silent treatmentwhere it can feel very powerful
in the moment.
It can feel very empowering, butit doesn't actually solve the
problem.
You're not actually addressingthe problem.
You're just basically like ifyour car's making a funny noise,
(11:52):
yeah, I'm gonna keep using thiscar analogy.
You're just turning up the radioand pretending like it's not
there.
Just, yeah.
Eventually it will go away, butthen the problem may actually be
getting bigger due to that lackof attention.
It might also show up as we'vetalked a bit about as that
self-directed anger blamingyourself, Ugh, I should have
spoken up sooner.
I should have stated thatboundary sooner.
(12:13):
I shouldn't have allowed them topass my boundary like they just
did.
I can't believe that I did this.
It's all my fault.
We're over owning the situationand that creates that
self-directed anger.
It's almost easier to be angrywith ourselves sometimes than it
is to be angry with othersbecause if we're angry with
ourselves, we can't leaveourselves.
Right.
Even though.
Truly, we're self abandoning atthat moment.
(12:33):
So we can actually abandonourselves, but we like to think,
oh, well, if I just make itabout me, I can't self abandon.
I'm still here.
For me, it's gonna be okay.
But then also then you areabandoning yourself in the
relationship and we're thinking,well, I can't bring it up with
them, because then they mightreject me, then they might leave
me, then they might abandon me.
So instead, we're selfabandoning and that's not going
(12:54):
to help the problem.
It might also look like overaccommodating other people.
This is saying yes when you wantto say no, and you're doing this
in an attempt to avoid conflict,but when you keep over
accommodating other people.
Yeah.
And we do it thinking, well, ifI just keep showing up for them,
then they'll show up for me.
But more than likely, if you'renot expressing your needs, then
(13:15):
that anger is going to bleedinto other parts of their life.
So you might be saying yes whenyou wanna say no in an attempt
to avoid conflict, buteventually you're gonna burn
out.
And when you do burnout, itmakes it a lot more likely that
that anger, we're gonna losecontrol of the anger and we're
gonna have that resentment.
It's going to magnify a lot ofthose emotions.
People pleasers do a pretty goodjob showing up and over
(13:37):
accommodating other people whenthey're feeling good, but when
they start to get burned out,tired, hungry, any of that, when
they start to not feel wellphysically, which is another
sign of that anger, then that'swhen it is that they're going to
be having those problems inrelationship.
It's a lot harder to navigatelife when it's gotten to that
point, so be very mindful ofthat.
It may also show up as sarcasm,or maybe you're making jokes
(13:59):
about how it is that you'refeeling, thinking that they
should pick up on it.
But again, that's kind of likethe passive aggression, right?
It's not actually going to helpthings.
It's not actually shedding lighton the problem.
Instead, it's creating thatporcupine energy where we think
that, oh, if I can just make ajoke about it, it'll be fine.
But people can feel the energywhen you're being sarcastic,
when you're being passiveaggressive, and it can actually
(14:20):
really magnify things as well.
It might also look likeemotional withdrawal.
This one is, the one that ismost common is the people
pleasers, they tend to just shutdown completely.
It's, well, I guess that youcan't fulfill my needs anymore.
It's easier to just quit.
It's easier to just give up onrelationship.
I'm too burned out.
I can't address it.
I don't wanna speak up.
(14:40):
I'm too tired at this point.
And when you are having thatemotional withdrawal, it is
because you've allowed theburnout to go on for too long.
And it's kinder for therelationship to let them know
ahead of time.
Again, it's that check enginelight.
We don't want to let the wholevehicle burnout, in this case,
us, right?
We don't want to burn ourselvesout at the cost of the
(15:02):
relationship.
So noticing these signs earlieron, noticing, Ooh, I'm starting
to feel a desire to emotionallywithdraw.
What can I do about that so thatI don't sacrifice the whole
relationship?
Because if you don't fix it inthis relationship, it's going to
show up in your nextrelationship so you're not
actually avoiding theconfrontation.
You're going to be forced toconfront it eventually.
(15:24):
You can either choose to do itnow in your current relationship
or choose to do it in your nextrelationship, but you are
eventually going to have to facethe music here.
It can also really show upthrough martyrdom energy.
This is that victim mindset.
And this ties in with so many ofthe things we've just talked
about, the over accommodation,all of these different things
where it's not No, no, I canjust do it myself.
(15:46):
It's creates that hyperindependence and that hyper
independence is a traumaresponse.
It's when we have learnedthrough countless experiences
that it's not safe.
To ask for help.
It's safer to just do itourselves.
We're the only one that we candepend on.
Everybody else has abandoned usor has changed their mind, or
wasn't able to show up for us inthe way that we needed, and so
just notice that martyrdomenergy, that oftentimes that's
(16:09):
what's underneath this anger isjust feeling that hyper
independence, that I must do itmyself because I can't count on
them to do it for me, or I can'tcount on them to do it with me.
And also just as we alreadytalked about, it can also lead
to those big explosions wherethere's yelling, there's name
calling, there's lashing out.
This is when everything hasboiled over.
(16:31):
So it's essentially like holdinga beach ball under the water.
I know I've used this analogy somany times on here, but here it
is again.
I have a ton of new listeners,so here it is.
But essentially when we'retrying to suppress emotions,
it's like holding a beach ballunder the water and that is
sustainable for a little while.
But eventually that beach ballis going to explode out of the
water, and when it does, so itmight smack us in the face.
(16:53):
It might blow out of the waterand knock somebody else off of
their feet...
at that point we have a hundredpercent lost control, so we
think that we have things undercontrol holding that beach ball
under the water, but it's notsustainable to do that.
And so taking the time to reallylet it come up gradually, really
look at it.
Observe it, rather than justsuppressing it and holding it
(17:14):
under the water and pretendinglike it's not there, but to
really be mindful about, okay,I'm going to allow this to come
up so I can be a mindfulobserver of it, so that you can
actually create that change.
So here's the good news is angeris not the enemy.
In fact, anger is full of somuch wisdom.
It has so much to teach us.
And in part two of the seriesthat we'll be dropping next
(17:37):
week, we're gonna be talkingabout what anger is there to
teach us.
And usually, here's your littleteaser for this, is it's gonna
teach you one of three things.
It's gonna either teach youabout your boundaries, your
values, or your unmet needs.
And so next week I'll give you afew specific examples about how
your anger can actually guideyou towards healthier and more
(17:57):
authentic living.
But in the meantime, I simplywant you to just notice how is
it that anger is showing up foryou?
When you experience anger, doyou suppress it?
Do you turn it inward onyourself?
Do you just let yourselfexplode?
And I don't want you to judgeit.
I just want you to become awareof it.
Because when we're aware of howit's currently showing up for
(18:18):
us, that's when we can actuallybe really self-aware about,
okay, is that actually workingfor me?
Is that how I want it to show upfor me?
Okay.
We have to know where we're atin order to come up with a plan
moving forward.
So.
If where you're at currently is,yeah, I recognize I really do
suppress a lot of my anger.
I recognize I'm being reallypassive aggressive in my
relationship.
(18:38):
I'm not asking for what it isthat I need.
I really want you to, numberone, come and work with me.
Number two, make sure that youtune in next week.
Make sure you subscribe so thatyou can learn more about what it
is that anger is there to teachyou.
Now, if you would like some helpand support navigating this in
your own life, you can come andwork with me.
Simply go to my website,www.maryannwalker.life, where
you can apply to work with me,or you can email me at
(18:59):
maryann@maryannwalker.life.
You can find all of my contactinformation in the show notes.
So come and check and see whatmy.
Current availability is atwhatever time you're listening
to this episode, I would love tobe your life coach.
And also, before you go, I justwant to give you such a big
thank you.
This last week I received anuptick in apple reviews and it
(19:20):
made such a significantdifference in how many
downloads..
You guys, I nearly doubled indownloads and I am just so
humbled by that and so gratefulfor that.
It was honestly just a handfulof reviews and it made a
significant difference in whatit was that my podcasting
platforms chose to push out toother people.
So if you have a moment, and ifthis has meant something to you,
(19:42):
if you appreciate what it isthat you've been learning here,
I would deeply appreciate areview.
And so yeah, you can go aheadand just click on the Apple
Podcasts or comment below, butlet me know that you enjoy
what's here and let's reallygrow this community.
Right now, the world more thanever, it needs more help and
support when it comes todeepening our levels of
emotional awareness, emotionalprocessing, and emotional
(20:03):
maturity.
So every share and every reviewreally helps me to reach more
people and help the world tojust have a little bit more when
it comes to emotionalintelligence.
Alright, well thank you so muchfor being here, and I'll see you
next week as we talk more aboutanger.
See you then.
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