185: Part 2: Why Your Anger Isn’t the Problem—But a Path to Clarity and Solutions

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Why Your Anger Isn't the Problem- But a Path to Clarity and Solutions

Are you a people pleaser or highly sensitive person who struggles with feeling safe expressing anger? You’re not alone—and in today’s episode, we’re flipping the script on anger. Instead of seeing it as something to suppress or shame, we’ll explore how anger is actually a powerful messenger guiding you toward healthier boundaries, clearer values, and unmet needs.

I’m MaryAnn Walker, a life coach who helps highly sensitive people and recovering people pleasers reconnect with their emotions so they can feel more empowered and live life on their own terms.

This episode is part two of our anger series. Last time, we discussed why anger feels unsafe for people pleasers and the common ways it shows up. Today, we’re going deeper: what is anger trying to teach you, and how can you use it to create real change in your life?

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• How to reframe anger as a protective, motivating force rather than a problem to fix.
• How to identify boundaries that need to be set or reinforced and communicate them effectively.
• How anger reveals your core values and helps you assess whether your relationships and actions are in alignment with what matters most.
• How anger signals unmet needs—whether for rest, support, appreciation, or reciprocity—and strategies to meet those needs proactively.
• Practical examples for turning anger into action, from setting digital boundaries to advocating for fairness in relationships.

Challenge for the Week:
When anger shows up, pause and ask yourself:

1. Is this about a boundary I need to set?
2. Is this revealing something about my values?
3. Is this highlighting an unmet need I can address?

Take time to reflect on your answers, and notice how approaching anger with curiosity instead of shame can transform your relationships and your sense of self.

Work With Me:
If you want support uncovering what anger is trying to teach you and learning how to honor your boundaries, values, and needs, I’d love to work with you. Visit www.maryannwalker.life
or email me at [e-mail]
to check availability.

Wondering if you're a good candidate for coaching? You can book a free clarity call with me here: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult

Don’t Forget to Subscribe
Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss future episodes. Each week, we dive deeper into the practices that help recovering people pleasers create balance, self-worth, and authentic connection.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach who helps
highly sensitive people andpeople pleasers learn how to
become more in touch with theirown emotions so they can feel
more empowered.
I know that you are highly awareof other people's emotions and I
really want to look out for you.
So today, this episode isactually part two of our two
part series on anger.

(00:22):
Last time we talked about whyanger can feel so unsafe for
people pleasers, and the manyways that it tends to show up
for people pleasers.
And today we're gonna be takingit a step further.
We're going to be talking aboutwhat anger is here to teach you.
Because when we're able toreframe what anger is all about
in our minds, then we're able torecognize that anger is not a
problem to fix, but anger isthere to teach us and to support

(00:46):
us.
It's there to keep us safe.
So anger is not the enemy.
Anger is actually a veryprotective energy.
It motivates us to stand up forourselves.
It kind of acts like a checkengine light.
It tells us when a boundary hasbeen crossed.
It lets us know when we have anunmet need or it lets us know
when a value has been violated.
And without it, people pleasersreally risk just staying in

(01:07):
silence and remaining in theseunhealthy dynamics.
It's going to keep them stuck ifwe're not able to utilize anger
as the teacher that it is.
So instead of shaming yourselffor feeling angry, I want you to
practice being curious aboutthat anger.
Practice asking the question,what is this emotion here to
show me?

(01:28):
So there are three big thingsthat anger is there to teach us.
First of all, it's going to letus know where maybe a boundary
has been crossed.
It's also going to give usinformation about our value
system and let us know about ourunmet needs.
So we're gonna talk about eachof those things.
So in regards to boundaries,anger often shows up when we
need to put a boundary in place,or when someone has crossed our

(01:50):
boundary.
For example, this is maybeputting your phone on do not
disturb or putting limited hourson it so that, okay, I'm only
going to be using my phoneduring these times because
so-and-so keeps calling duringnap time or after my bedtime and
sleep is important to me.
Or maybe somebody only calls youwhen you're at work and so you
can use your digital boundarieswhen you notice that anger that

(02:12):
"oh, I'm angry that they'recalling me during work, but I
could also just set a digitalboundary of turning my phone on
do not disturb and not answeringit." I want you to remember that
when it comes to boundaries,boundaries are not, you cannot
do this to me, but instead, oh,I can see that you're choosing
to do this and I'm going tochoose to do this anytime that
that happens, right?
So if they are calling you,every day on your lunch break,

(02:34):
and you just need to focus onyour lunch break so you can feel
a bit more rejuvenated, it'sokay to just not answer your
phone or to turn it to do notdisturb.
Another example of a boundarymight be just deciding ahead of
time that, you know what?
I'm not going to talk politicswith that friend or family
member anymore.
It's not going well, so I'm justnot going to talk politics with
them.
If politics come up, I'm goingto change the subject, I'm gonna

(02:57):
already have an idea of a fewother topics that we could talk
about that are lesscontroversial and, and going to
create less contention in ourrelationship.
So you can be proactive aboutthat, that, oh, I would rather
talk with you about somethingthat's not politics and set that
as a boundary.
Or maybe you have a friend thatthey like to call you last
minute for things that reallydon't need to be a last minute

(03:18):
thing, right?
So in other words, they'retrying to make their urgency,
your emergency when it justreally isn't.
So maybe it's time to set aboundary with them.
When you notice that you'refeeling angry, maybe you want to
just let'em know, Hey, you knowwhat?
I'm gonna need 24 hours noticeif you want me to come and help
you, I would love to show up foryou, but my time is also
valuable.
And I cannot just drop thingslast minute to keep showing up

(03:40):
when you have an urgency, right?
Because that's usually what itis, is they have something that
feels urgent to them and theywanna make it your emergency.
But there's a big difference.
And actually, I do have anepisode on urgencies versus
emergencies and how to navigatethat.
I will link that in the shownotes so you can come and check
that one out.
But I want you to notice, okay,is this anger here right now to
teach me where I need to stay toboundary?

(04:01):
And then if so, what is thatboundary that needs to be put
into place?
So again, remember a boundary isnot, you can't do this to me,
but it's if you choose to dothis, this is how I'm going to
respond.
Okay?
So really think about whenyou're experiencing that anger.
Is this a situation where I needto put a boundary in place?
All right.
Next we're going to talk abouthow anger can teach us about our

(04:22):
value system.
Anger is extremely valuable inletting us know what is
important to us.
Often anger is linked veryclosely to that righteous
indignation that no thingsshouldn't be this way.
And we believe deeply thatthings shouldn't be that way
because it's in conflict withour value system.
So maybe, for example, you arefeeling a lot of anger around

(04:42):
politics that might reveal toyou that, okay, what I value is
fairness.
What I value is equity andinclusion.
What I value is people beingtreated fairly, and so notice,
okay, what's happeningunderneath this?
What is my value system?
How is this anger reflectingback to me, my value system?
Maybe you're experiencing angerin an unbalanced relationship

(05:05):
that might reveal to you that,oh, I value reciprocity.
This is a value for me, and Ican see I'm not getting that
reciprocity that I'm seeking inthis relationship.
So maybe I want to chooseintentionally to invest into the
people that are more likely tocreate that reciprocity, that I
can use my value system to seewhere it is that I want to

(05:25):
invest my time and my energy.
Maybe your anger is around alack of gratitude from somebody
else.
You've been giving and givingand giving, and you're not
getting the gratitude that youwould like.
That might reveal that youreally value being appreciated
for your hard work.
For many of my listeners, theydon't really need things to come
back to them in exactly the sameway.

(05:45):
They already know that they'reoverfunctioners.
That they give quite a lot andthey would be extremely
uncomfortable if somebody gaveback in kind.
But acknowledging that, oh, I'mfeeling angry because I'm
feeling taken for granted.
I'm feeling unappreciated and Ivalue feeling appreciation.
And so maybe you want to usethat to again, kind of assess
your relationships to see, okay,maybe I do need to invest more

(06:07):
into people that do express thatgratitude.
Or maybe you want to just kindof check in with self that, am I
expressing gratitude where Ineed to, maybe you wanna start
writing thank you notes.
I got thank you note the otherday and it just made me so
happy.
And it was just me being me, butthey wrote me such a kind note
and appreciated me being me, andit just felt so good.
So just use it as informationthat I'm currently feeling

(06:29):
angry, something must be out ofalignment with my value system.
And then check in with yourself,see if you are in alignment with
your value system.
For me, I've noticed that whenI'm actually able to acknowledge
my own value system, I can seethat, okay, I'm feeling like
this is currently out of myvalue system and out of
alignment with who it is that Iwant to be, but am I showing up
in the way that I want?

(06:50):
Am I being an advocate forchange?
Am I really spending my time andenergy investing into the things
that I truly value?
Am I in alignment with my ownvalue system?
And that really helps me torelax a little bit because the
truth is you can't control otherpeople.
Other people are going to have adifferent value system.
They're going to be showing upin ways that we might not agree

(07:12):
with, which is why you'refeeling angry in the first
place, right?
So just use that as informationto see, okay, what is this
revealing to me about my valuesystem?
What is coming up for me can bevery helpful.
And then the third thing theanger does for us is it helps us
to identify our unmet needs.
So maybe you're able to identifythat, Ooh, you know what, I'm

(07:32):
angry because I think otherpeople should be helping, but
this means that I'm really tiredbecause usually I can do this.
And I can't do it today.
So this is revealing to me thatI have the unmet need of, I just
need some rest or I need abreak.
Maybe you need more reciprocityin your relationships.
Maybe you need to feel seen andheard, and that anger is there
to reveal to you that, Ooh, I dohave a need that is going unmet.

(07:56):
And then once we're able toidentify the need, then we can
take the action needed in orderto increase the chances that we
can get that need met.
So maybe in a very specificrelationship, you're not feeling
seen and heard.
You know that if you called soand so that they would just
really hold space, that youwould feel so seen and so heard
by them.
And so maybe you want to justadjust a little bit to see,

(08:17):
okay, am I spending time where Ican get those needs met or am I
increasing my anger andresentment essentially by
choosing to invest over here?
So I wanna give you someexamples about what it might
sound like to use anger asinformation to get your needs
met to state boundaries, toreveal your value systems.
Okay, so here's just a fewexamples.

(08:37):
Maybe say, you know what, I needa 30 minute break to clear my
head.
So can we please finish thisconversation in 30 minutes?
I just need some time That'shonoring your need and it's
respecting the relationship.
Or maybe your partner is cominghome at the end of the day and
saying, Hey, I've had a reallylong day with the kids.
I know that you're probablytired too, but I could really
use a little bit more domesticsupport.

(08:57):
Would you please be in charge ofdinner And watching the kids for
a bit entertaining the kids so Ican have 45 minutes of an
uninterrupted bath, that wouldjust be amazing for me.
It's identifying the need andbeing proactive about getting
that need met.
Or maybe you wanna say, you knowwhat, I've been feeling really
frustrated, keeping up with allthe housework alone.

(09:17):
Can we please have aconversation about how we could
divide things up in a way thatwould feel more fair and equal?
I would really appreciate that.
Or maybe you're just saying, youknow what?
I feel really frustrated when Iget cut off by you.
I need a chance to finish mythought before I can hear more
about what you are saying.
Is it okay if I finish mythought and then you get more
information?
You're also stating thatboundary that then you'll get

(09:39):
more information that, okay, arethey somebody that will let me
finish my thought?
Or is this a pattern of behaviorthat I get cut off?
Maybe it's a one time thing whenthey're just feeling excited and
passionate, but get reallycurious about that.
What is my need?
And then try to give voice toit.
Or maybe you wanna say somethinglike, you know what?
I've been taking on too muchlately.
I think I need some time tofocus on my current projects
before I take on an additionalproject.

(10:01):
I know that you and I havedifferent priorities.
Again, this is your valuesystem, right?
That this is what's mostimportant to me right now.
And once I've addressed that,then I'm more than happy to step
in and also help you.
Or maybe you're recognizing animbalance in a relationship
where you're just not feelingseen or acknowledged for what it
is that you might want.
Your wants and needs are notbeing met in a relationship.

(10:23):
So then you might say somethinglike, Hey, would it be okay if I
chose our next outing?
I appreciate all of the workthat you've put into finding
things that we could dotogether, but I would also like
to pick some things that I thinkwould be fun for us to do
together, and I would reallylove to try out that new
restaurant downtown.
How would you feel about that?
Would you like to go out to thatrestaurant on Tuesday night or
whatever it is, but justidentify that, Ooh, I really am

(10:43):
feeling an imbalance inrelationship because I've been
over accommodating.
And I would like tointentionally create something
here and I'm gonna.
See if they're willing to meetme where I'm at.
Or maybe at the dinner table,you notice that your partner is
just kind of distracted.
You might wanna say somethinglike, Hey, I am trying to tell
you something important and I'mnot feeling like you're really
present with me when you're onyour phone.

(11:05):
Would it be okay if we justturned off our phones for this
dinner conversation so that Ican really feel like you're
really hearing me because thisis important to me?
So kind of notice the differencein these statements.
These statements then they kindof help to move you out of
resentment and into connection.
It's using that little checkengine light of anger to really
check in with self and see,okay, something is off.

(11:28):
It's noticing it in thebeginning, that the first time
that sign comes on.
Paying attention.
I know that a lot of mylisteners, they really kind of
suppress it and pretend it's notthere.
Again, that's kind of liketurning up the radio when you're
hearing a funny sound.
It's like, no, I'm just gonnaturn it up and pretend it's not
there.
It's not gonna be any big deal.
But then it ends up costing us alot more in our relationships.

(11:49):
So practice that noticing earlyon practice, noticing that, ooh,
something is out of alignment.
Practice noticing what does thatanger feel like in my body so
that I know when it's showing upfor me and then take the time to
sit with it to ask, okay, isthis here to reveal a boundary
that needs to be put in place orreinforced?
Is this here to let me know thatI have an unmet need?

(12:10):
Is this here to let me know thatI am out of alignment with my
values, or that I do in factvalue something more than
something else?
Anger doesn't have to be the badguy.
Anger is the messenger.
Anger is what is pointing youtowards healthier boundaries,
clear values, and getting yourunmet needs met.
So this week when anger showsup, instead of pushing it away,

(12:31):
I want you to just pause andask, is this about a boundary, a
value, or in need?
And if you would like help andsupport uncovering what anger is
trying to teach you, come andwork with me.
You can come to my website,www.maryannwaker.lilfe or email
me at [e-mail] come and check for
availability, but I would loveto be your life coach.
And hey, if you have found thisseries helpful, I would love it

(12:54):
if you would share it with afriend or leave me a review.
It really does help me to findmore people.
It gives me a boost in thealgorithms, and I just deeply
appreciate it.
It's just a free way that youcan give back for all of the
free content that I share here,and I would deeply appreciate
it.
It really does help people tofind the show, and it really
helps this community to growand, the world needs more

(13:14):
emotional awareness andemotional maturity, and by doing
this work then you are leadingthe way.
I really deeply love andappreciate you, and I hope you
have a great week.
All right, let's talk soon.
Bye now.