Emilee & David Part 1 of 3: When Your Kid Says "I Don’t know"

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David.  Emilee and David have a six year old son who repeatedly says “I don’t know” when they try to help their son understand his big emotions. Many parents like Emilee and David want to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and how to understand their emotions.  But what happens when what you are doing is not working and actually producing the very opposite results than what you were hoping for.  

Time stamps:

• 13:10 How children physically express their emotions, and what to do
• 13:55  Name and notice those body sensations and physical actions
• 16:07 Alexithymia: when a child doesn't have the skills to name what they are experiencing
• 18:30 Masking: a survival tactic for social situations
• 22:20 Change from asking questions like "how do you feel?" to making statements about the situation
• 26:45 & 34:07 Social Signaling: what is your child communicating to others
• 28:41 Go below the surface: anger with mean words and an intense physical response is above the surface and disappointment is below the surface
• 30:50 Take the pressure off of the child to express their emotions
• 32:27 Beware of praise and instead, give feedback 
• 35:40 Create a bridge from the behavior to describing the emotion: children may need help finding the words
• 40:50 What to do if your child is masking
• 44:43 Difference between when a child WON’T express emotion versus when they CAN’T

Resources: 

• Alexithymia
  • Autism Parenting Magazine's Guide to Alexithymia
  • Children's Alexithymia Measure handout
  • The Alexithymia Wheel and more resources
• Masking
  • Masking in Children Explained
  • NHS's Guide on "Masking" Behavior in Children
• Praise vs feedback
  • The Psychology of Feedback vs Praise
  • How to Give Feedback to Your Child

Leslie-ism: The slower you go, the faster you get there.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.