Salimah Part 2 of 4: When Your Teen Shrugs Their Shoulders

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah’s attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.

Time Stamps:

• 13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn
• 13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally
• 14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.  
• 15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving
• 17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone’s eyes. Instead make statements or observations
• 19:30 Shifting  your expectations - short term vs long term parenting
• 20:09 Role play
• 21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.
• 22:51 Say less and give them space
• 23:11 The dominoes metaphor
• 27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times
• 29:31 Parent’s job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.
• 31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves
• 34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)
• 35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholder

Resources:

• The 6 levels of validation
• Video of the Domino Analogy
• How to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home with

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

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