Have you ever observed a sudden shift in a child's routine and wondered what it truly meant? Unveiling the enigmatic signs of childhood trauma, this episode features counseling psychologist Natalia Andoh who brings her profound insights into how these early experiences shape our mental health into adulthood. Together, we dissect the staggering reality that nearly 1 billion children face trauma, emphasizing the urgency for awareness and support.
Navigating the intersection of personal anecdotes and professional expertise, I open up about my path to mental health advocacy, shaped by my own introspections and life's unforeseen challenges. Our discussion moves through the undercurrents of behavior, from the subtleties of a child's shifts in habits to the tumultuous effects on adult relationships and self-development. Natalia provides a keen understanding of the thin line between typical sorrow and significant psychological distress, offering guidance to help identify when professional intervention may be necessary for healing.
Closing the conversation, we shed light on the less obvious symptoms of mental distress that are often overlooked, such as dramatic changes in sleep or eating patterns. It's an invitation to listeners: stay engaged, share your narratives, and join a burgeoning community that champions mental health. This heartfelt episode is not just a listening experience but a call to extend empathy and support to those grappling with the invisible scars of trauma.
Watch the video episode of this on YouTube - https://linktr.ee/konnectedminds
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This week on Connected Minds podcast,
counseling psychologist NataliaAndor sits with us to talk about
childhood traumas.
The bad and the ugly.
Do stay tuned.
What is the one thing thattraumatized you as a child?
People behave out of acommunication from how they feel
(00:24):
.
From children throughadolescents, to adults, to the
aged.
People go through all kinds ofthings Based off of the feeling.
You're bound to behave acertain way.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Now I want you to take us through this.
What is a child trauma?
Hello guys, welcome once againto Connected Minds podcast, and
it's me again.
Join us today as we uncover astaggering reality Now
(01:00):
approximately 1 billion childrenworldwide between the ages of 2
to 17, have faced a certainform of physical, sexual or
emotional violence or neglect.
In this profound conversationthat we're going to have with
the counseling psychologist,natalia Andor, she's going to
guide us through how torecognize and support those who
(01:22):
may be grappling with theaftermath of trauma.
Thank you so much for comingtoday and being with us.
I really appreciate you beingin that seat, and what I like is
you've made the seat your own.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Thank you for having me, but how are you?
I'm well, I'm well.
Thank you, how are you?
I'm fine, ok, I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I like to believe I'm fine.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
OK, yeah, I'm sure you are.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Because you do this a lot.
If I'm not careful, today'sconversation is going to be
about me rather than you.
Ok, but let's see how it goes.
Yeah, so today we wanted todiscuss childhood trauma, which,
of course, in the end can leadto a lot of mental health issues
(02:07):
later on in people's lives Now.
So let's take it all the wayback to mental health.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
OK.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Your understanding and what people can take from
your explanations.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Ok, Any time I have to talk about mental health and
what it is, I try to make itvery simple and I've said this
in a few places, so I'm going tomake here the next place that I
say it.
When you think about yourmental health, think about you
(02:39):
as a person.
The way you think, ok.
The way you feel and the wayyou act, that is mental health.
The way you think, the way youfeel, the way you act or the way
you behave, that is mentalhealth.
If your thought patterns,psychologically, how you
(03:03):
function, is good, ok.
If your emotional well-being,which is the way you feel, is
good.
And your social skills, whichis the way you behave, the way
you act.
So, psychologically,emotionally, socially, there has
to be a fine balance betweenthese three.
Once you have these threebalanced out beautifully, you
(03:24):
have great mental health.
Well, your mental health is inthe best space.
But if any of these has alittle imbalance, then there's a
problem.
So I find that people think thatmental health is just always
just your mind.
Your emotions come to play andthat informs your behavior,
(03:46):
because a lot of the time peoplebehave out of a communication,
from how they feel.
It's the reason why one of thequestions that any therapist or
anybody in the space of mentalhealth or psychology will ask
you is how do you feel?
Because we know that, based offof the feeling, you're bound to
(04:08):
behave a certain way and thebehavior usually becomes the
problem or the question or thereason why there has to be a
conversation.
So we take it from how you'rereasoning, how you're feeling
and then how you behave.
That is mental health.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Fantastic, but a lot of people know you in the media
space as well.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yes, a lot of people do.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
The many people who watch you, listen to you, are
probably thinking why mentalhealth?
How did you get yourself intothat?
Speaker 1 (04:36):
space.
Then when did she become that,or why is she that?
So I noticed that there wassuch a huge gap in conversations
around mental health.
At some point in my life, Iwent through a situation that I
tried to understand.
A relationship with someonedrove me to a point where I
(05:02):
began to question a lot ofthings in my mind, and so I felt
like no, it has to be deeperthan this.
I need to understand it betterthan this.
So I actually went back toschool just so I could learn and
understand why these thingswould happen to a person.
How your, you know howeverybody has where.
(05:28):
What creatures of habit,children beings Yep.
Everybody has a routine, or whatthey call the abnormal.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Okay.
The minute you veer away fromthat, especially when you veer
too far away from that, it'susually because there's a
problem, something is not right,something has, you know, moved
you and it will serve you you,the person, it will serve you
(06:02):
better if you try to understandor find out why, because
something cannot be happening inyour life when you know this is
not my normal and you justallow it to play out and not try
to figure out or understand why.
And that is what drove me toget educated, to find out things
(06:24):
and to be certified as acounseling psychologist.
And when I became that, one ofthe first things I thought I
needed to do so badly was togive a lot of education on
mental health, how important itis.
You know how very crucial it isin our lives today, from
(06:45):
children through adolescents toadults, to the aged.
People go through all kinds ofthings.
Some know, some don't, somehave acknowledged, others have
not.
But you cannot acknowledgesomething you don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Right, yes.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
So the education for me is key.
I live and breathe for that atthis point in my life.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But then would you say that after you became
qualified, you've understood thesituation that you were going
through.
No, I have, I have totallyunderstood that You've worked it
all out.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
I have worked it all out.
I have worked my emotionsplaying out because, again, as
creatures of habit, I wasfamiliar and used to a certain
way of life and that changed.
The change was very drastic,and you know how drastic changes
can affect you, because this isnot my normal.
(07:44):
You know, even when, sometimesyou know when you lose someone,
when you leave a job, when yougo to a new school, when you
start a new job, all of thesechanges, it takes a toll on you.
Oh yes, because you're familiarwith a certain life, a certain
type of people, a certainbehavior, a certain something,
(08:05):
and then it changes and usually,sometimes, the changes come
without any announcements or any.
You know, heads up.
You don't even know.
You sleep one night, you wakeup in the morning and drastic
change and you need time tosettle into the change.
Transition, for me, is one ofthe things that affect a lot of
(08:27):
people's mental health.
They don't even know it, sothey can't even acknowledge it
and do something about it.
Again, it's the reason why I'mall for the education, because
anytime you transit intosomething else, you need your
mind to accept that this is mynew normal and you settle into
(08:48):
it.
There are people who transitioninto things and they never
settle in it.
Somebody, I mean there'ssomeone.
There could be someone whowould leave one marriage and get
into another marriage,physically but mentally.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Mentally they haven't .
Speaker 1 (09:05):
They haven't.
You know what I mean.
Mentally, they are still verymuch in the first marriage.
So transition is something thatyou don't do just physically,
you need to do mentally as well.
You need to tell your mind, letyour mind know that.
Hey, mind, this is what we'redoing now.
(09:26):
You know, Come to terms with itand you need to give your mind
time to settle into it, acceptit, and that's how you can live
a full, normal, healthy life,Because then again, your mind
and your body are in sync and itwill affect all of your actions
(09:46):
moving forward.
So yes, absolutely, absolutely.
Before you become an adult andyou get to understand some of
these things and how they allplay out, you have already
settled into a routine as ahuman being.
Okay, you know the things youlove, you know the things you
(10:07):
don't love.
You know the things that makeyou happy, the things that don't
make you happy.
You know the kind of people youwant to hang around.
You know the time you wake upin the morning, the time you go
to bed.
You already have settled into aroutine as a human being.
Already it's there.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Well, I guess the routine is given to you by your
parents or your guardian.
Depends, it depends, and thenyou just walk into it, yes, and
then you make it your own rightand you make it your own.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Some people change it .
So when we're young, when weare, let me, if I can, give an
age range from when you come outof your diaper and you know,
you start seeing the world forwhat it is.
You know, this is my mommy,this is my daddy.
I can run around the house, Ican do this, I can have fun, and
(10:54):
all of that All the way tillmaybe you go to secondary school
.
I mean in Ghana what we callsecondary school.
All the way till then youusually fall within a routine
that your parents will createfor you.
The time you wake up, in themorning, the time you go to bed,
do you brush your teeth beforeyou eat?
(11:15):
Do you brush your teeth afteryou eat in the morning?
Do you brush your teeth beforegoing to bed?
Do you not brush your teethbefore going to bed?
Do you do the dishes beforegoing to bed?
Do you do the dishes in themorning when you wake up?
So this kind of routine we fallinto because of what our
parents have already defined.
(11:38):
Exactly.
They kind of put us into thatroutine.
Some people stay in thatroutine, others no.
The whole time they were inthat routine they couldn't wait
to leave it.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
you- know what I mean .
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Because they tell themselves consciously that no,
listen, this is not for me.
Because there are people whomaybe weren't growing up, they
are parents for one reason oranother maybe not health reasons
but could say you don't eatsugar.
Okay, you don't eat sugar, wedon't eat sugar in this house.
But you find that maybe you goto school and one time you taste
your friend's snack and there'ssugar and you're like, oh my
(12:13):
God, this is nice, I can bekeeping that.
So the whole time you're justbiding your time waiting for the
moment that you can be fullyresponsible for yourself, so you
can just eat sugar you know,funny, you say that because in
this house we don't eat meat.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Okay, so I don't eat meat, so the family don't Right,
now my kids don't Right.
But then when they go to schoolthey enjoy the chicken, right,
it's okay.
So then the little one isalways like, yeah, I want some
KFC or something, right, butthen it's not really in our
nature to do that.
We still have to give it tothem.
(12:53):
Yeah, so I'm sure when hebreaks free, yes, he's gonna eat
all the chicken in the world.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
So, yeah, some people cannot wait to.
You know, leave that routinethat our parents set for us.
Like I can't wait, but somepeople will actually stay there.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
And remain there.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And they don't eat sugar.
And I'm sure you have friendswho say things like I don't eat
this, I don't eat that, andsometimes you ask them why.
That's all, we just didn't eatit when we're growing up.
Yep, you hear that a lot Yep.
Exactly, so they have fallinginto that routine.
We were not given this when wewere growing up, so we don't eat
it.
Yeah, there's no health reason.
There's nothing.
(13:32):
It's just because my parentsnever introduced us to it.
We never ate it as kids, so Idon't eat it.
I'm a 50 year old woman.
I've never eaten it.
I've never eaten it.
I don't eat it because growingup, my parents never gave it to
me.
Do you know what that is?
Yeah, do you understand thedepths?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
of that, but it should be okay.
No, it is okay, it should beokay, right, but this is me just
letting you understand.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's perfectly okay, right, okay.
But my point is that the depthsof that is what your mental
state has been shaped to accept,not as a person, not as an
individual, but by virtue of thefamily you grew up in.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Jennifer, I'm saying Right, so it's not a decision
you made.
I'm sure even if you tasted theso-called thing, you would love
it, but we were not given that.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
So you've settled into it and it's fine for you.
You can be in a group of 100people eating that and you're
not even moved because I don'teat that.
Yeah, and your mind hasaccepted it.
That's the training I'm talkingabout, right, because your mind
over the years, has acceptedthat we don't eat this.
(14:44):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
So, even as a grown person, when you have your will
to eat whatever you want, yourmind's training is still very,
you know, in its place.
Nothing is going to shake thatfoundation.
We just don't eat this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Yeah, I do, but then don't you think sometimes it's a
bit more well?
Apart from the fact that itcould be family related, it
could also be cultural, becausesome people eat frogs, frog legs
.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Oh yeah, I mean, oh, there are all kinds of reasons I
don't eat it.
There are all kinds of reasons.
Culturally, some people don'teat certain things, like even in
Ghana I know the crowbows.
Some crowbows don't eat snailsand there are people who don't
eat crab.
There are so many reasons whypeople don't eat things and
accept it.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
So, for me, what I want to understand from you is
that it's absolutely okay.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
It is okay, right, there's nothing wrong with it.
I think the fundamental, thebottom line of what we're saying
is that you can train your mindto accept literally anything.
Yes, it's the reason why somepeople will say there's no God
and they believe in it.
They believe in it, they woulddie on that mountain.
You know what I mean.
(15:59):
They swear by it because, yousee, people don't understand the
depths of what your mind can doto you, with you as a person.
It's the reason why, again, forme, the conversation of mental
health is so important.
(16:21):
You know how sometimes sendthings happen, to send
individuals, and you'll hearpeople say, oh, he's been
brainwashed.
You know what that is.
Do you know what it takes forsomebody say you, you're over 30
years, so clearly you're set inyour ways, the things that
(16:42):
you've been doing for the past30 years.
Imagine if somebody met you andin a couple of weeks they can
erase all of that and you comeback in two weeks and your
beliefs have changed and thethings that you want, you come
to this house and ask forchicken.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, Do you know what I'm saying?
Serious mind games.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Serious, it's very serious.
So your mind has a lot of power.
It's up to you, to.
You're leading your mind, notthe other way around.
Okay, you are leading your mind, it comes together, but again,
because it's not justpsychological.
(17:26):
Your emotions come to play andyour emotions are not detached
from your mind, but they alsobehave.
Sometimes they can decide to beindependent and do all kinds of
things by themselves.
There's a reason why sometimesyou have, I don't know, a friend
, a sister, somebody who willtell you they are in love with
(17:46):
some guy, and you look at thisguy from top to bottom and
question what on God's greenessare you doing with this person?
Especially when you know thiswoman in question.
You know the things theybelieve in, you know the
(18:09):
foundation that they have grownup on.
You know the things they value.
They are values, everything,and it doesn't come together
with this guy.
They are showing you, Do youunderstand?
Yeah, that is in that case.
Their emotions are actingindependently away from their
minds.
They are not in sync.
(18:29):
No, no, no, Because if theywere in sync, clearly she would
know that, based on my values,where I've come from and
everything, this is not the guyfor me.
But sometimes our emotions canact independently.
They can decide that oh, forgeteverybody.
Today I'm acting all by myself,and they can still get you to
do certain things True.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, right Now I want you to take us through this
.
What is child trauma?
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Okay.
So child trauma and it will.
First of all, it's about anykind of trauma.
Okay, any kind of trauma is asituation that an individual
goes through that disturbs themmentally.
It stays on their mind.
So one of the things that I do,because of what I've said to
(19:23):
myself that I'm going to do asan individual, and also because
I have this foundation thatfocuses on mental health is I
don't like to use a lot of bigwords and jaguars when I'm
explaining things.
I want the ordinary man on thestreet to hear me and understand
what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying, so Idon't like to use a lot of all
(19:46):
these big words.
That's why my explanation forwhat mental health was was very
simple how you think, how youfeel, how you behave.
Yeah, it's not somethinganybody would forget and it's
something that you can relate to, because clearly, you think and
feel and behave.
Yes, so you know what I'mtalking about.
And in explaining what traumais, trauma is any situation that
(20:10):
any individual goes throughthat puts a dent.
What's a simple way to say adent?
It kind of pokes a hole.
It's.
You know, for instance, if Itook a blade and cut like slits.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Does it go all the way through or it's just a dent?
Speaker 1 (20:32):
It doesn't go all the way through.
A dent.
A dent, yes, it puts a dent ontheir mind, and you know, when
you have a dent, well, dependson the thing that has a dent.
If it's on your car, you canhave them push it right back out
, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, but if it is maybe thisbookshelf behind you, you can't
(20:59):
do anything about it.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
You just have to throw it out and buy a new one,
okay.
So any situation that you gothrough that puts a dent on your
mind, so it stays there for awhile.
If you don't work on it it canbe permanent, okay, and that is
trauma.
Okay, childhood trauma is allthe things that children will go
(21:26):
through, all the things thatwill happen to a child that will
put a dent on their minds.
It can be emotional, it can bephysical, it can be sexual, yeah
, so many other ways.
Okay, it can even be.
I had, I had trauma growing upas a child and it wasn't even
(21:51):
coming from my house.
I lost a friend of mine.
A friend of mine died when wewere in primary school.
He got sick and he died.
And this is a guy who will goon break and hang out together,
you know, in the cafeteria, andbe talking all the time and all
of that.
And that was my firstexperience of death in my life.
(22:14):
And one morning his parentscome to the school and tell us
that he died, and it took me along minute to process what
exactly that was.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
You know and for my mind to accept that, okay, this
is the situation.
This guy has actually died,he's never coming back, but
that's also okay.
That's okay.
You know what I mean?
And these are things that weresometimes, when we talk about
(22:55):
childhood trauma and also,people are leaning more towards
all the physical abuse from stepparents and even the sexual
abuse and all.
But there are so many subtlenot so subtle, but so many
things that happen, maybe notdirectly to us, but still affect
us.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
It may happen to you know the boy who sits next to
you in class, but it will affectyou and it will stay with you.
It's the reason why sometimes,when children go through
something or when somethinghappens, I speak to them, and
also because maybe I do this now, but when I go home every
evening I speak to my childrenand talk to them about oh, how
(23:34):
was school today?
What happened?
My little girl's best friendthey don't even know what that
is, but they say her bestfriend's name.
Okay, let me not say it, butshe has a best friend, and so
every time she comes from schoolI'm asking her how was school?
Did she come to school today?
What did you guys do today?
How was your teacher today?
Did you eat your snacks?
(23:54):
I tried to have a conversationto get a sense of how school was
for her today, Just so that,based on the response she's
giving me her demeanor, whethershe's excited on the face or to
tell whether it was a good dayor not so good day.
And some days when I can tellthat it was a not so good day,
(24:16):
then I probe more and say, oh,but what happened?
It was like what happened today.
Then she can tell me that.
Oh, as soon as I opened mysnack today it fell down and my
teacher said I couldn't get itoff the ground and eat it
because then it's contaminatedand that and that.
Then I know, okay, somethingwas not right.
But I always want to find outthings from children because
(24:38):
sometimes it may not be directbut it may be something that
could possibly happen to anotherchild in the school, that can
affect your child.
You know, back then, when I lostmy friend in school, I don't
think that any of my parentswould have even noticed that
there was something wrong withme or I was going through
something.
It was in my mind.
(24:59):
But here's what I did Iregressed.
You know, I'm growing up, I'm avery happy child.
I've always been, and I play alot and I'm running around
carefree, you know.
But during those moments Ibecame quieter because there's a
(25:26):
lot on my mind.
I was trying to process thewhole situation.
I won't play as much and Iwasn't learning as much and I
wasn't doing so well in school.
Now I can think about it andlink it, because I know what I
know now, but back then I didn'teven know what's going on.
Yeah, yeah.
So trauma, childhood trauma,consists of these things.
(25:51):
Okay, it can be physical,emotional, sexual.
It can be things that affectthem directly or indirectly.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
I had a friend who said that while we were busy
studying, one of the teachersused to kiss her.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
On the lip.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
On the lip.
Yes, now she said this, I thinkabout 20 years later.
But then I was like, wow, howdo you feel about that?
And she said, well, I didn'tknow.
You know, at the time I didn'tknow.
I wanted to find out more, butobviously it's not my field.
(26:34):
I wanted to find out whethershe enjoyed it.
Like, did she talk to somebodyelse?
What was going on?
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Interesting.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
It's very interesting I really wanted to find out.
How can parents lay the carpetfor kids to speak more about
problems, not just the goodtimes that they have, problems
that they face or things thatthey see?
(27:05):
Look, I've seen certainmarriages where, to a point, I
didn't even want her to getmarried because there were
knives and the pillows yellingall the time, curses, plenty
things so you would find thatfor somebody like you who has
(27:29):
seen that you would grow up andyou don't, you don't want any
noise in your space yeah youdon't.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You don't want that, because the slightest noise or
any kind of aggression will takeyou back to that place and
that's the way it always is.
And it's a good question youasked me.
I think parents need to be moreobservant because you know hmm,
(27:57):
again, I can't blame parentstoo much because we're the same
people running around trying tomake things happen.
You know we're gonna have topay your fees and feed you and
the extra curriculus and all ofthat.
People are doing two, threejobs in Ghana today just so they
can give their children goodlives.
But what's the point when, inthe end, this child that you're
(28:23):
running around like a headlesschicken for doesn't make it to
the end?
yeah and I don't mean they arephysically going to leave this
ass, but what if they do thatmentally?
You know what I mean.
So we need to pay attentionagain.
Routine, creatures of habit.
(28:46):
You know what your child islike by the time.
For anybody who's had children,you know this.
By the time your child is aboutthree years, four years, you
can tell what they are like.
This my child likes.
Maybe they are autistic, theylike to color or draw, or they
(29:06):
like to just watch television,or you would know.
You would know what they likeor what they tend to do more.
So you can tell if somethingchanges, if anything affects
them, especially mentally,something will change with the
routine.
It's the first time to look outfor why has something changed?
(29:27):
Why?
What's the change?
What's the change about?
If they have it, if there's, ifthey are the kind of child that
will run to meet you at thedoor every time you come home
and they don't.
They don't do it the one timethat you came home.
You need to question why.
Why, unless they are sleeping,why haven't they come to meet
(29:48):
you at the door today?
And maybe you just see themsitting down quietly.
Maybe they don't like watchingtelevision, but you see them
watching television more.
You know there's always achange, that they're always the
signs, but it's because wereally don't pay attention yeah
and we feel like a lot of thesethings are normal.
But no, they are not.
The minute something changeswith your child, if you're an
(30:13):
observant parent, you would know, you can tell.
You can tell that something isoff.
Sometimes there's nothing,sometimes it's just they had a
bad day at school.
But you should probe, youshould find out why.
You should always find out why,because sometimes it's nothing,
but other times it could besomething big.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
But you would never know until you ask questions so
how does the trauma appear laterin the child's life and how
does it look like?
Speaker 1 (30:43):
okay.
So you have a lot of adults whousually for anyone who was
traumatized as a child, it playsout in their adult
relationships and I don't meanjust romantic relationships, I
mean any kind of relationshipsand you find that they maybe
(31:05):
people pleases.
They are overly nice, they wantto make sure everybody's okay
all the time they are do it.
They will take of themselves togive to other people because
they are looking for a certainlevel of acceptance that they
never got growing up or whateversituation that traumatized them
took away from them.
(31:26):
So they become people please us.
They walk the face of thisearth just looking to please
okay, or they coil in and becomevery unfriendly, very difficult
(31:49):
to get through to right youknow, there are some people who
are just so difficult to getthrough to like you can't.
You just cannot get through tothem and sometimes you wonder
but what is wrong with you?
You know, and most of the timesome of them have not even
linked it to whatever it is thathappened to them when they were
children.
(32:10):
Okay, I think these are verybasic examples for for an adult,
some people, to become veryreckless.
You know, they live veryreckless lives.
They really couldn't bebothered.
They are doing all the recklessthings just if it's a man, for
instance, he decides that of me,I'm just going to womanize them
(32:34):
.
I have unprotected sex all thetime.
Do they're living on the edge,just reckless living.
It can play out that way aswell, again, depending on what
the trauma was when they weregrowing up but then that sounds
like that's all the ways thatthings play out.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
People are either careful or carefree yes, right,
yes and then what you're sayingis either way could be because
of a certain trauma that aperson has been in.
Yes, yes, if that's the case,then we're all traumatized.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
You see, there's always a threshold, there's
always a level that we all,every human being, at some point
is careless in their lives andat some point is also careful or
too careful in their lives itit's.
It's it's a way of life, butthere's a level that you cross
that makes it not normal.
(33:27):
Do you understand if there's acertain person that you know or
have been with that has beencareless all their lives, all
their adult lives?
You know what I mean all theadult lives they have been
careless.
That's a problem.
It's not.
It's.
It's not normal.
You cannot be an adult, haveresponsibility, maybe have a
(33:50):
family, and be careless all youradult life.
It doesn't sound normal to youno, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
But then can't that be the person's?
Maybe that's that's who theyare.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
No, there's an underlying there's always
underlining it cannot be whothey are.
It cannot be who they are,because I mean, it could be who
they are, it could be, but again, there's always a threshold.
Carelessness has comes indifferent levels.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
You know, I know people who are very careless
again with everything again itcomes in different levels.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Okay, even an extremely careless person when
they are having a baby again, itdepends on the sex.
When they are having a baby, orwhen they have a baby, a child,
for the first couple of months,they are not so careless okay,
okay you know what I mean.
(34:53):
They, they know, they know whereto draw the line.
Even as a careless person, theyknow where to draw the line.
But in a case where they don'tknow where to draw the line and
they are still being careless,even when it comes to very
(35:14):
important milestones, that's aproblem, that's a.
That is a problem, you know,because everybody, every now and
every now and again, you, you,will slip a little to the side
and then slip right back to theside.
It's just a way of life.
We all do it right.
But when it goes beyond acertain level, then it's a
(35:36):
problem and it's a big problem.
And then, when it comes toromantic relationships, it plays
out in romantic relationships alot, because then, for a woman,
if they had any kind of trauma,what it depends on the kind of
trauma, if it was physicaltrauma, where they were beaten
(35:59):
all the time as a child, theyare always very they're always
either very careful with you,them, their man, as in want to
do, they want to get everythingright, because in their minds,
if they don't, I will, therewill be some sort of punishment
(36:22):
for that.
Okay, so their minds.
It would take us back to what Imentioned about training your
mind.
Their minds have accepted thatif I do wrong, there's always a
punishment for that.
So they go through their lifethinking that I need to get
everything right.
So they become some sort ofperfectionists, sort of because
(36:42):
they need to get everythingright, because if I don't,
there'll be some sort ofpunishment for that or they
rebel and they do everythingwrong.
So you're with this person, youdo everything for them and
you're trying to get the bestout of them, but you never get
it.
Because they are justrebellious.
They're just I really don'tcare, whatever I do, I'll get
(37:04):
punished anyway.
So I really couldn't bebothered, do you understand?
Yeah, and that plays out a lotin a lot of romantic
relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
There's so much I wanted to open up.
There's a lot I wanted to say,but I think we'll need another
episode.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
We definitely do.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
But anytime you know the conversation is about mental
health, it takes out a lot ofmy energy.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
It does.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
Yes, because it's a worldwide issue.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
It is.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
And anytime you speak to someone on the phone, they
are going through something youknow yeah.
So it's very dear to my heart.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
But going through something, it doesn't mean that
your mental state has beenaffected.
We all go through things, youknow.
It's not so much what you gothrough, it's how you deal with
the situation.
And once you know that this iswhat I'm going through, then
there's nothing wrong.
If you can identify, I mean,sometimes some people will cry
(38:11):
and be moody and because theyare going through something,
maybe they lost a job, maybethey lost a parent, maybe they
are unwell, they got a diagnosisthat's not sitting well with
them.
So you know why you're feelingthat way.
There's a reason why I'm sadbecause I lost my job.
Nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
But the problem is, I'm sad because Some people.
That's how it starts.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Yes, some people, that's how it starts, but let me
stress on this you see, oncethere's a reason why you're
feeling the way you're feeling,it's not so alarming, okay.
Once there's a reason, I lostmy job, I lost a parent.
The only time it becomes aproblem is when you stay in that
state for too long, becausenaturally naturally, when you go
(38:58):
through something, you react toit.
Hmm, once a parent, you loseyour mind.
I lost my dad during COVID in2020.
And, yeah, that was tough, butI didn't stay in that place for
too long.
I did all the things I had todo in that moment.
Think about it.
I did it, but I moved out ofthat state because in that
(39:24):
moment, I know, I lost my dad, Ilost my mind in that moment,
you know.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
Lost my dad.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Yes, In that moment.
But I knew that I was losing mymind because I lost my dad.
But it was for that moment.
And then it got better.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
I accepted.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
I went through the stages of grief, accepted this
is it.
Okay, I moved on.
The minute you stay in thatspace for too long, then it
becomes a problem.
You lost a job.
Oh my goodness, what am I goingto do for the next couple of
weeks?
It's going to be tough, thisand that, but you know you need
to find a new job.
No, so you set out to try tofind a new job.
That's not to say it will beeasy.
(40:04):
You may get a lot of rejectionsand stay home for the next two
or three years, but you don'tstay in that space because you
lost a job.
If you're not getting somebodyto hire you, you think about
ways that you can employyourself and make some money,
because at the end of the day,you will have bills to pay.
If you have kids, you need totake care of them.
Life is still happening.
Yes, you need to find a way tomove out of that zone and make
(40:28):
things happen.
The minute you stay in thatspace for too long it's never
the reason the duration thenbecomes a problem, okay, okay.
But once you know there's areason why I'm doing this I
don't know, I woke up thismorning and I had a headache, or
my boss called me and sent me Idon't know some funny email
(40:50):
about something that's not goingwell.
I am anticipating that thesepeople want to fire me any
minute.
Now, you know it takes a tollon you that whole day.
You're not exactly yourself,okay, and now anxiety sets in.
So in the next couple of weeks,even as you're working, you're
anxious, but it's normal becauseyou're anticipating a sack.
(41:10):
Okay.
But once that period, you know,pans out, you're back to your
normal self again.
If you're staying in that spacefor longer than you should be,
then it becomes a problem, right, okay.
So always, anytime you'refeeling anything different again
(41:31):
, creatures of habits.
You know yourself, you knowwhat you do.
You know the time you go to bed.
You know the time you wake up.
You know.
You know on a good night I'msupposed to have a full night's
rest.
The minute anything startsinterfering that you find that
you're waking up at 1 am.
Now you can't sleep again.
What's wrong?
You can't identify why.
Nothing has happened.
You haven't lost a job, youhaven't lost a family member,
(41:53):
you haven't lost anything.
Everything is intact in yourlife.
But I can't sleep.
I'm waking up at midnight or 1am and I can't sleep again till
6 am, and then now, when I getto work, I'm dozing off.
There's something wrong.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
Okay, that's where you, that's where the difference
is.
I give tapas in medicine.
You talk to them.
Yes, then you know there'ssomething wrong.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Once anything affects your routine and you can't tell
why, there's no reason, youcan't point out any exact reason
why then there's a change inthis routine, then there is
something wrong because you knowthings play out mentally by
affecting our routines.
That's how things play outmentally.
(42:36):
Physically, when something iswrong with you, then you start
feeling a pain in some part ofyour body.
Yes, you see certain signs andyou know.
But mentally things play out byaffecting our routines.
That's how things play outmentally.
It will just start affectingyour routine.
You can't sleep anymore, youstart eating, more or less, and
(42:59):
it's drastic, and let me stressthat it's drastic.
That's how you know there'ssomething wrong.
If there's a change in appetiteand you're still eating, but
maybe you're not eating so much,it's normal.
But if it's drastic, okay, youfind that sometimes in the whole
day you're not even hungry theentire day.
(43:22):
And even when now you have toremind yourself to eat, when you
remind yourself to eat, youdon't even know what you're
going to eat.
Nothing.
You don't fancy anything.
You don't fancy anything.
Even your favorite food youdon't fancy, and it's for an
extended period.
That's how things play outmentally.
(43:45):
Okay, a lack of sleep, a change,a drastic change in your sleep
pattern.
You find that you can't sleepas much anymore.
You're eating so much more thanyou normally would, or so much
less.
So it's always drastic and ithappens, and there's no reason
why.
You haven't lost a familymember, you haven't lost a job,
nothing has happened.
(44:05):
Your life is just the way it is.
But then there's this drasticchange.
That's how, mentally, thingsplay out.
Usually it means that there's aroot cause of something you
haven't dealt with.
Swept under the rug.
Swept under the rug, sweptunder the rug and it's playing
out.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Thank you so much.
Look, guys, if you are not partof our family, please subscribe
and become part of the family.
Give this, because there'ssomebody out there that needs to
hear it, and stay connected.
This week on Connected Minds podcast,
counseling psychologist NataliaAndor sits with us to talk about
childhood traumas.
The bad and the ugly.
Do stay tuned.
What is the one thing thattraumatized you as a child?
People behave out of acommunication from how they feel
(00:24):
.
From children throughadolescents, to adults, to the
aged.
People go through all kinds ofthings Based off of the feeling.
You're bound to behave acertain way.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Now I want you to take us through this.
What is a child trauma?
Hello guys, welcome once againto Connected Minds podcast, and
it's me again.
Join us today as we uncover astaggering reality Now
(01:00):
approximately 1 billion childrenworldwide between the ages of 2
to 17, have faced a certainform of physical, sexual or
emotional violence or neglect.
In this profound conversationthat we're going to have with
the counseling psychologist,natalia Andor, she's going to
guide us through how torecognize and support those who
(01:22):
may be grappling with theaftermath of trauma.
Thank you so much for comingtoday and being with us.
I really appreciate you beingin that seat, and what I like is
you've made the seat your own.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Thank you for having me, but how are you?
I'm well, I'm well.
Thank you, how are you?
I'm fine, ok, I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I like to believe I'm fine.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
OK, yeah, I'm sure you are.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Because you do this a lot.
If I'm not careful, today'sconversation is going to be
about me rather than you.
Ok, but let's see how it goes.
Yeah, so today we wanted todiscuss childhood trauma, which,
of course, in the end can leadto a lot of mental health issues
(02:07):
later on in people's lives Now.
So let's take it all the wayback to mental health.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
OK.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Your understanding and what people can take from
your explanations.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Ok, Any time I have to talk about mental health and
what it is, I try to make itvery simple and I've said this
in a few places, so I'm going tomake here the next place that I
say it.
When you think about yourmental health, think about you
(02:39):
as a person.
The way you think, ok.
The way you feel and the wayyou act, that is mental health.
The way you think, the way youfeel, the way you act or the way
you behave, that is mentalhealth.
If your thought patterns,psychologically, how you
(03:03):
function, is good, ok.
If your emotional well-being,which is the way you feel, is
good.
And your social skills, whichis the way you behave, the way
you act.
So, psychologically,emotionally, socially, there has
to be a fine balance betweenthese three.
Once you have these threebalanced out beautifully, you
(03:24):
have great mental health.
Well, your mental health is inthe best space.
But if any of these has alittle imbalance, then there's a
problem.
So I find that people think thatmental health is just always
just your mind.
Your emotions come to play andthat informs your behavior,
(03:46):
because a lot of the time peoplebehave out of a communication,
from how they feel.
It's the reason why one of thequestions that any therapist or
anybody in the space of mentalhealth or psychology will ask
you is how do you feel?
Because we know that, based offof the feeling, you're bound to
(04:08):
behave a certain way and thebehavior usually becomes the
problem or the question or thereason why there has to be a
conversation.
So we take it from how you'rereasoning, how you're feeling
and then how you behave.
That is mental health.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Fantastic, but a lot of people know you in the media
space as well.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yes, a lot of people do.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
The many people who watch you, listen to you, are
probably thinking why mentalhealth?
How did you get yourself intothat?
Speaker 1 (04:36):
space.
Then when did she become that,or why is she that?
So I noticed that there wassuch a huge gap in conversations
around mental health.
At some point in my life, Iwent through a situation that I
tried to understand.
A relationship with someonedrove me to a point where I
(05:02):
began to question a lot ofthings in my mind, and so I felt
like no, it has to be deeperthan this.
I need to understand it betterthan this.
So I actually went back toschool just so I could learn and
understand why these thingswould happen to a person.
How your, you know howeverybody has where.
(05:28):
What creatures of habit,children beings Yep.
Everybody has a routine, or whatthey call the abnormal.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Okay.
The minute you veer away fromthat, especially when you veer
too far away from that, it'susually because there's a
problem, something is not right,something has, you know, moved
you and it will serve you you,the person, it will serve you
(06:02):
better if you try to understandor find out why, because
something cannot be happening inyour life when you know this is
not my normal and you justallow it to play out and not try
to figure out or understand why.
And that is what drove me toget educated, to find out things
(06:24):
and to be certified as acounseling psychologist.
And when I became that, one ofthe first things I thought I
needed to do so badly was togive a lot of education on
mental health, how important itis.
You know how very crucial it isin our lives today, from
(06:45):
children through adolescents toadults, to the aged.
People go through all kinds ofthings.
Some know, some don't, somehave acknowledged, others have
not.
But you cannot acknowledgesomething you don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Right, yes.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
So the education for me is key.
I live and breathe for that atthis point in my life.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But then would you say that after you became
qualified, you've understood thesituation that you were going
through.
No, I have, I have totallyunderstood that You've worked it
all out.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
I have worked it all out.
I have worked my emotionsplaying out because, again, as
creatures of habit, I wasfamiliar and used to a certain
way of life and that changed.
The change was very drastic,and you know how drastic changes
can affect you, because this isnot my normal.
(07:44):
You know, even when, sometimesyou know when you lose someone,
when you leave a job, when yougo to a new school, when you
start a new job, all of thesechanges, it takes a toll on you.
Oh yes, because you're familiarwith a certain life, a certain
type of people, a certainbehavior, a certain something,
(08:05):
and then it changes and usually,sometimes, the changes come
without any announcements or any.
You know, heads up.
You don't even know.
You sleep one night, you wakeup in the morning and drastic
change and you need time tosettle into the change.
Transition, for me, is one ofthe things that affect a lot of
(08:27):
people's mental health.
They don't even know it, sothey can't even acknowledge it
and do something about it.
Again, it's the reason why I'mall for the education, because
anytime you transit intosomething else, you need your
mind to accept that this is mynew normal and you settle into
(08:48):
it.
There are people who transitioninto things and they never
settle in it.
Somebody, I mean there'ssomeone.
There could be someone whowould leave one marriage and get
into another marriage,physically but mentally.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Mentally they haven't .
Speaker 1 (09:05):
They haven't.
You know what I mean.
Mentally, they are still verymuch in the first marriage.
So transition is something thatyou don't do just physically,
you need to do mentally as well.
You need to tell your mind, letyour mind know that.
Hey, mind, this is what we'redoing now.
(09:26):
You know, Come to terms with itand you need to give your mind
time to settle into it, acceptit, and that's how you can live
a full, normal, healthy life,Because then again, your mind
and your body are in sync and itwill affect all of your actions
(09:46):
moving forward.
So yes, absolutely, absolutely.
Before you become an adult andyou get to understand some of
these things and how they allplay out, you have already
settled into a routine as ahuman being.
Okay, you know the things youlove, you know the things you
(10:07):
don't love.
You know the things that makeyou happy, the things that don't
make you happy.
You know the kind of people youwant to hang around.
You know the time you wake upin the morning, the time you go
to bed.
You already have settled into aroutine as a human being.
Already it's there.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Well, I guess the routine is given to you by your
parents or your guardian.
Depends, it depends, and thenyou just walk into it, yes, and
then you make it your own rightand you make it your own.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Some people change it .
So when we're young, when weare, let me, if I can, give an
age range from when you come outof your diaper and you know,
you start seeing the world forwhat it is.
You know, this is my mommy,this is my daddy.
I can run around the house, Ican do this, I can have fun, and
(10:54):
all of that All the way tillmaybe you go to secondary school
.
I mean in Ghana what we callsecondary school.
All the way till then youusually fall within a routine
that your parents will createfor you.
The time you wake up, in themorning, the time you go to bed,
do you brush your teeth beforeyou eat?
(11:15):
Do you brush your teeth afteryou eat in the morning?
Do you brush your teeth beforegoing to bed?
Do you not brush your teethbefore going to bed?
Do you do the dishes beforegoing to bed?
Do you do the dishes in themorning when you wake up?
So this kind of routine we fallinto because of what our
parents have already defined.
(11:38):
Exactly.
They kind of put us into thatroutine.
Some people stay in thatroutine, others no.
The whole time they were inthat routine they couldn't wait
to leave it.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
you- know what I mean .
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Because they tell themselves consciously that no,
listen, this is not for me.
Because there are people whomaybe weren't growing up, they
are parents for one reason oranother maybe not health reasons
but could say you don't eatsugar.
Okay, you don't eat sugar, wedon't eat sugar in this house.
But you find that maybe you goto school and one time you taste
your friend's snack and there'ssugar and you're like, oh my
(12:13):
God, this is nice, I can bekeeping that.
So the whole time you're justbiding your time waiting for the
moment that you can be fullyresponsible for yourself, so you
can just eat sugar you know,funny, you say that because in
this house we don't eat meat.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Okay, so I don't eat meat, so the family don't Right,
now my kids don't Right.
But then when they go to schoolthey enjoy the chicken, right,
it's okay.
So then the little one isalways like, yeah, I want some
KFC or something, right, butthen it's not really in our
nature to do that.
We still have to give it tothem.
(12:53):
Yeah, so I'm sure when hebreaks free, yes, he's gonna eat
all the chicken in the world.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
So, yeah, some people cannot wait to.
You know, leave that routinethat our parents set for us.
Like I can't wait, but somepeople will actually stay there.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
And remain there.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
And they don't eat sugar.
And I'm sure you have friendswho say things like I don't eat
this, I don't eat that, andsometimes you ask them why.
That's all, we just didn't eatit when we're growing up.
Yep, you hear that a lot Yep.
Exactly, so they have fallinginto that routine.
We were not given this when wewere growing up, so we don't eat
it.
Yeah, there's no health reason.
There's nothing.
(13:32):
It's just because my parentsnever introduced us to it.
We never ate it as kids, so Idon't eat it.
I'm a 50 year old woman.
I've never eaten it.
I've never eaten it.
I don't eat it because growingup, my parents never gave it to
me.
Do you know what that is?
Yeah, do you understand thedepths?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
of that, but it should be okay.
No, it is okay, it should beokay, right, but this is me just
letting you understand.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's perfectly okay, right, okay.
But my point is that the depthsof that is what your mental
state has been shaped to accept,not as a person, not as an
individual, but by virtue of thefamily you grew up in.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Jennifer, I'm saying Right, so it's not a decision
you made.
I'm sure even if you tasted theso-called thing, you would love
it, but we were not given that.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
So you've settled into it and it's fine for you.
You can be in a group of 100people eating that and you're
not even moved because I don'teat that.
Yeah, and your mind hasaccepted it.
That's the training I'm talkingabout, right, because your mind
over the years, has acceptedthat we don't eat this.
(14:44):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
So, even as a grown person, when you have your will
to eat whatever you want, yourmind's training is still very,
you know, in its place.
Nothing is going to shake thatfoundation.
We just don't eat this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Yeah, I do, but then don't you think sometimes it's a
bit more well?
Apart from the fact that itcould be family related, it
could also be cultural, becausesome people eat frogs, frog legs
.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Oh yeah, I mean, oh, there are all kinds of reasons I
don't eat it.
There are all kinds of reasons.
Culturally, some people don'teat certain things, like even in
Ghana I know the crowbows.
Some crowbows don't eat snailsand there are people who don't
eat crab.
There are so many reasons whypeople don't eat things and
accept it.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
So, for me, what I want to understand from you is
that it's absolutely okay.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
It is okay, right, there's nothing wrong with it.
I think the fundamental, thebottom line of what we're saying
is that you can train your mindto accept literally anything.
Yes, it's the reason why somepeople will say there's no God
and they believe in it.
They believe in it, they woulddie on that mountain.
You know what I mean.
(15:59):
They swear by it because, yousee, people don't understand the
depths of what your mind can doto you, with you as a person.
It's the reason why, again, forme, the conversation of mental
health is so important.
(16:21):
You know how sometimes sendthings happen, to send
individuals, and you'll hearpeople say, oh, he's been
brainwashed.
You know what that is.
Do you know what it takes forsomebody say you, you're over 30
years, so clearly you're set inyour ways, the things that
(16:42):
you've been doing for the past30 years.
Imagine if somebody met you andin a couple of weeks they can
erase all of that and you comeback in two weeks and your
beliefs have changed and thethings that you want, you come
to this house and ask forchicken.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, Do you know what I'm saying?
Serious mind games.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Serious, it's very serious.
So your mind has a lot of power.
It's up to you, to.
You're leading your mind, notthe other way around.
Okay, you are leading your mind, it comes together, but again,
because it's not justpsychological.
(17:26):
Your emotions come to play andyour emotions are not detached
from your mind, but they alsobehave.
Sometimes they can decide to beindependent and do all kinds of
things by themselves.
There's a reason why sometimesyou have, I don't know, a friend
, a sister, somebody who willtell you they are in love with
(17:46):
some guy, and you look at thisguy from top to bottom and
question what on God's greenessare you doing with this person?
Especially when you know thiswoman in question.
You know the things theybelieve in, you know the
(18:09):
foundation that they have grownup on.
You know the things they value.
They are values, everything,and it doesn't come together
with this guy.
They are showing you, Do youunderstand?
Yeah, that is in that case.
Their emotions are actingindependently away from their
minds.
They are not in sync.
(18:29):
No, no, no, Because if theywere in sync, clearly she would
know that, based on my values,where I've come from and
everything, this is not the guyfor me.
But sometimes our emotions canact independently.
They can decide that oh, forgeteverybody.
Today I'm acting all by myself,and they can still get you to
do certain things True.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, right Now I want you to take us through this
.
What is child trauma?
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Okay.
So child trauma and it will.
First of all, it's about anykind of trauma.
Okay, any kind of trauma is asituation that an individual
goes through that disturbs themmentally.
It stays on their mind.
So one of the things that I do,because of what I've said to
(19:23):
myself that I'm going to do asan individual, and also because
I have this foundation thatfocuses on mental health is I
don't like to use a lot of bigwords and jaguars when I'm
explaining things.
I want the ordinary man on thestreet to hear me and understand
what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying, so Idon't like to use a lot of all
(19:46):
these big words.
That's why my explanation forwhat mental health was was very
simple how you think, how youfeel, how you behave.
Yeah, it's not somethinganybody would forget and it's
something that you can relate to, because clearly, you think and
feel and behave.
Yes, so you know what I'mtalking about.
And in explaining what traumais, trauma is any situation that
(20:10):
any individual goes throughthat puts a dent.
What's a simple way to say adent?
It kind of pokes a hole.
It's.
You know, for instance, if Itook a blade and cut like slits.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Does it go all the way through or it's just a dent?
Speaker 1 (20:32):
It doesn't go all the way through.
A dent.
A dent, yes, it puts a dent ontheir mind, and you know, when
you have a dent, well, dependson the thing that has a dent.
If it's on your car, you canhave them push it right back out
, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, but if it is maybe thisbookshelf behind you, you can't
(20:59):
do anything about it.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
You just have to throw it out and buy a new one,
okay.
So any situation that you gothrough that puts a dent on your
mind, so it stays there for awhile.
If you don't work on it it canbe permanent, okay, and that is
trauma.
Okay, childhood trauma is allthe things that children will go
(21:26):
through, all the things thatwill happen to a child that will
put a dent on their minds.
It can be emotional, it can bephysical, it can be sexual, yeah
, so many other ways.
Okay, it can even be.
I had, I had trauma growing upas a child and it wasn't even
(21:51):
coming from my house.
I lost a friend of mine.
A friend of mine died when wewere in primary school.
He got sick and he died.
And this is a guy who will goon break and hang out together,
you know, in the cafeteria, andbe talking all the time and all
of that.
And that was my firstexperience of death in my life.
(22:14):
And one morning his parentscome to the school and tell us
that he died, and it took me along minute to process what
exactly that was.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
You know and for my mind to accept that, okay, this
is the situation.
This guy has actually died,he's never coming back, but
that's also okay.
That's okay.
You know what I mean?
And these are things that weresometimes, when we talk about
(22:55):
childhood trauma and also,people are leaning more towards
all the physical abuse from stepparents and even the sexual
abuse and all.
But there are so many subtlenot so subtle, but so many
things that happen, maybe notdirectly to us, but still affect
us.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
It may happen to you know the boy who sits next to
you in class, but it will affectyou and it will stay with you.
It's the reason why sometimes,when children go through
something or when somethinghappens, I speak to them, and
also because maybe I do this now, but when I go home every
evening I speak to my childrenand talk to them about oh, how
(23:34):
was school today?
What happened?
My little girl's best friendthey don't even know what that
is, but they say her bestfriend's name.
Okay, let me not say it, butshe has a best friend, and so
every time she comes from schoolI'm asking her how was school?
Did she come to school today?
What did you guys do today?
How was your teacher today?
Did you eat your snacks?
(23:54):
I tried to have a conversationto get a sense of how school was
for her today, Just so that,based on the response she's
giving me her demeanor, whethershe's excited on the face or to
tell whether it was a good dayor not so good day.
And some days when I can tellthat it was a not so good day,
(24:16):
then I probe more and say, oh,but what happened?
It was like what happened today.
Then she can tell me that.
Oh, as soon as I opened mysnack today it fell down and my
teacher said I couldn't get itoff the ground and eat it
because then it's contaminatedand that and that.
Then I know, okay, somethingwas not right.
But I always want to find outthings from children because
(24:38):
sometimes it may not be directbut it may be something that
could possibly happen to anotherchild in the school, that can
affect your child.
You know, back then, when I lostmy friend in school, I don't
think that any of my parentswould have even noticed that
there was something wrong withme or I was going through
something.
It was in my mind.
(24:59):
But here's what I did Iregressed.
You know, I'm growing up, I'm avery happy child.
I've always been, and I play alot and I'm running around
carefree, you know.
But during those moments Ibecame quieter because there's a
(25:26):
lot on my mind.
I was trying to process thewhole situation.
I won't play as much and Iwasn't learning as much and I
wasn't doing so well in school.
Now I can think about it andlink it, because I know what I
know now, but back then I didn'teven know what's going on.
Yeah, yeah.
So trauma, childhood trauma,consists of these things.
(25:51):
Okay, it can be physical,emotional, sexual.
It can be things that affectthem directly or indirectly.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
I had a friend who said that while we were busy
studying, one of the teachersused to kiss her.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
On the lip.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
On the lip.
Yes, now she said this, I thinkabout 20 years later.
But then I was like, wow, howdo you feel about that?
And she said, well, I didn'tknow.
You know, at the time I didn'tknow.
I wanted to find out more, butobviously it's not my field.
(26:34):
I wanted to find out whethershe enjoyed it.
Like, did she talk to somebodyelse?
What was going on?
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Interesting.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
It's very interesting I really wanted to find out.
How can parents lay the carpetfor kids to speak more about
problems, not just the goodtimes that they have, problems
that they face or things thatthey see?
(27:05):
Look, I've seen certainmarriages where, to a point, I
didn't even want her to getmarried because there were
knives and the pillows yellingall the time, curses, plenty
things so you would find thatfor somebody like you who has
(27:29):
seen that you would grow up andyou don't, you don't want any
noise in your space yeah youdon't.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You don't want that, because the slightest noise or
any kind of aggression will takeyou back to that place and
that's the way it always is.
And it's a good question youasked me.
I think parents need to be moreobservant because you know hmm,
(27:57):
again, I can't blame parentstoo much because we're the same
people running around trying tomake things happen.
You know we're gonna have topay your fees and feed you and
the extra curriculus and all ofthat.
People are doing two, threejobs in Ghana today just so they
can give their children goodlives.
But what's the point when, inthe end, this child that you're
(28:23):
running around like a headlesschicken for doesn't make it to
the end?
yeah and I don't mean they arephysically going to leave this
ass, but what if they do thatmentally?
You know what I mean.
So we need to pay attentionagain.
Routine, creatures of habit.
(28:46):
You know what your child islike by the time.
For anybody who's had children,you know this.
By the time your child is aboutthree years, four years, you
can tell what they are like.
This my child likes.
Maybe they are autistic, theylike to color or draw, or they
(29:06):
like to just watch television,or you would know.
You would know what they likeor what they tend to do more.
So you can tell if somethingchanges, if anything affects
them, especially mentally,something will change with the
routine.
It's the first time to look outfor why has something changed?
(29:27):
Why?
What's the change?
What's the change about?
If they have it, if there's, ifthey are the kind of child that
will run to meet you at thedoor every time you come home
and they don't.
They don't do it the one timethat you came home.
You need to question why.
Why, unless they are sleeping,why haven't they come to meet
(29:48):
you at the door today?
And maybe you just see themsitting down quietly.
Maybe they don't like watchingtelevision, but you see them
watching television more.
You know there's always achange, that they're always the
signs, but it's because wereally don't pay attention yeah
and we feel like a lot of thesethings are normal.
But no, they are not.
The minute something changeswith your child, if you're an
(30:13):
observant parent, you would know, you can tell.
You can tell that something isoff.
Sometimes there's nothing,sometimes it's just they had a
bad day at school.
But you should probe, youshould find out why.
You should always find out why,because sometimes it's nothing,
but other times it could besomething big.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
But you would never know until you ask questions so
how does the trauma appear laterin the child's life and how
does it look like?
Speaker 1 (30:43):
okay.
So you have a lot of adults whousually for anyone who was
traumatized as a child, it playsout in their adult
relationships and I don't meanjust romantic relationships, I
mean any kind of relationshipsand you find that they maybe
(31:05):
people pleases.
They are overly nice, they wantto make sure everybody's okay
all the time they are do it.
They will take of themselves togive to other people because
they are looking for a certainlevel of acceptance that they
never got growing up or whateversituation that traumatized them
took away from them.
(31:26):
So they become people please us.
They walk the face of thisearth just looking to please
okay, or they coil in and becomevery unfriendly, very difficult
(31:49):
to get through to right youknow, there are some people who
are just so difficult to getthrough to like you can't.
You just cannot get through tothem and sometimes you wonder
but what is wrong with you?
You know, and most of the timesome of them have not even
linked it to whatever it is thathappened to them when they were
children.
(32:10):
Okay, I think these are verybasic examples for for an adult,
some people, to become veryreckless.
You know, they live veryreckless lives.
They really couldn't bebothered.
They are doing all the recklessthings just if it's a man, for
instance, he decides that of me,I'm just going to womanize them
(32:34):
.
I have unprotected sex all thetime.
Do they're living on the edge,just reckless living.
It can play out that way aswell, again, depending on what
the trauma was when they weregrowing up but then that sounds
like that's all the ways thatthings play out.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
People are either careful or carefree yes, right,
yes and then what you're sayingis either way could be because
of a certain trauma that aperson has been in.
Yes, yes, if that's the case,then we're all traumatized.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
You see, there's always a threshold, there's
always a level that we all,every human being, at some point
is careless in their lives andat some point is also careful or
too careful in their lives itit's.
It's it's a way of life, butthere's a level that you cross
that makes it not normal.
(33:27):
Do you understand if there's acertain person that you know or
have been with that has beencareless all their lives, all
their adult lives?
You know what I mean all theadult lives they have been
careless.
That's a problem.
It's not.
It's.
It's not normal.
You cannot be an adult, haveresponsibility, maybe have a
(33:50):
family, and be careless all youradult life.
It doesn't sound normal to youno, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
But then can't that be the person's?
Maybe that's that's who theyare.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
No, there's an underlying there's always
underlining it cannot be whothey are.
It cannot be who they are,because I mean, it could be who
they are, it could be, but again, there's always a threshold.
Carelessness has comes indifferent levels.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
You know, I know people who are very careless
again with everything again itcomes in different levels.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Okay, even an extremely careless person when
they are having a baby again, itdepends on the sex.
When they are having a baby, orwhen they have a baby, a child,
for the first couple of months,they are not so careless okay,
okay you know what I mean.
(34:53):
They, they know, they know whereto draw the line.
Even as a careless person, theyknow where to draw the line.
But in a case where they don'tknow where to draw the line and
they are still being careless,even when it comes to very
(35:14):
important milestones, that's aproblem, that's a.
That is a problem, you know,because everybody, every now and
every now and again, you, you,will slip a little to the side
and then slip right back to theside.
It's just a way of life.
We all do it right.
But when it goes beyond acertain level, then it's a
(35:36):
problem and it's a big problem.
And then, when it comes toromantic relationships, it plays
out in romantic relationships alot, because then, for a woman,
if they had any kind of trauma,what it depends on the kind of
trauma, if it was physicaltrauma, where they were beaten
(35:59):
all the time as a child, theyare always very they're always
either very careful with you,them, their man, as in want to
do, they want to get everythingright, because in their minds,
if they don't, I will, therewill be some sort of punishment
(36:22):
for that.
Okay, so their minds.
It would take us back to what Imentioned about training your
mind.
Their minds have accepted thatif I do wrong, there's always a
punishment for that.
So they go through their lifethinking that I need to get
everything right.
So they become some sort ofperfectionists, sort of because
(36:42):
they need to get everythingright, because if I don't,
there'll be some sort ofpunishment for that or they
rebel and they do everythingwrong.
So you're with this person, youdo everything for them and
you're trying to get the bestout of them, but you never get
it.
Because they are justrebellious.
They're just I really don'tcare, whatever I do, I'll get
(37:04):
punished anyway.
So I really couldn't bebothered, do you understand?
Yeah, and that plays out a lotin a lot of romantic
relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
There's so much I wanted to open up.
There's a lot I wanted to say,but I think we'll need another
episode.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
We definitely do.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
But anytime you know the conversation is about mental
health, it takes out a lot ofmy energy.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
It does.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
Yes, because it's a worldwide issue.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
It is.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
And anytime you speak to someone on the phone, they
are going through something youknow yeah.
So it's very dear to my heart.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
But going through something, it doesn't mean that
your mental state has beenaffected.
We all go through things, youknow.
It's not so much what you gothrough, it's how you deal with
the situation.
And once you know that this iswhat I'm going through, then
there's nothing wrong.
If you can identify, I mean,sometimes some people will cry
(38:11):
and be moody and because theyare going through something,
maybe they lost a job, maybethey lost a parent, maybe they
are unwell, they got a diagnosisthat's not sitting well with
them.
So you know why you're feelingthat way.
There's a reason why I'm sadbecause I lost my job.
Nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
But the problem is, I'm sad because Some people.
That's how it starts.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Yes, some people, that's how it starts, but let me
stress on this you see, oncethere's a reason why you're
feeling the way you're feeling,it's not so alarming, okay.
Once there's a reason, I lostmy job, I lost a parent.
The only time it becomes aproblem is when you stay in that
state for too long, becausenaturally naturally, when you go
(38:58):
through something, you react toit.
Hmm, once a parent, you loseyour mind.
I lost my dad during COVID in2020.
And, yeah, that was tough, butI didn't stay in that place for
too long.
I did all the things I had todo in that moment.
Think about it.
I did it, but I moved out ofthat state because in that
(39:24):
moment, I know, I lost my dad, Ilost my mind in that moment,
you know.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
Lost my dad.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Yes, In that moment.
But I knew that I was losing mymind because I lost my dad.
But it was for that moment.
And then it got better.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
I accepted.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
I went through the stages of grief, accepted this
is it.
Okay, I moved on.
The minute you stay in thatspace for too long, then it
becomes a problem.
You lost a job.
Oh my goodness, what am I goingto do for the next couple of
weeks?
It's going to be tough, thisand that, but you know you need
to find a new job.
No, so you set out to try tofind a new job.
That's not to say it will beeasy.
(40:04):
You may get a lot of rejectionsand stay home for the next two
or three years, but you don'tstay in that space because you
lost a job.
If you're not getting somebodyto hire you, you think about
ways that you can employyourself and make some money,
because at the end of the day,you will have bills to pay.
If you have kids, you need totake care of them.
Life is still happening.
Yes, you need to find a way tomove out of that zone and make
(40:28):
things happen.
The minute you stay in thatspace for too long it's never
the reason the duration thenbecomes a problem, okay, okay.
But once you know there's areason why I'm doing this I
don't know, I woke up thismorning and I had a headache, or
my boss called me and sent me Idon't know some funny email
(40:50):
about something that's not goingwell.
I am anticipating that thesepeople want to fire me any
minute.
Now, you know it takes a tollon you that whole day.
You're not exactly yourself,okay, and now anxiety sets in.
So in the next couple of weeks,even as you're working, you're
anxious, but it's normal becauseyou're anticipating a sack.
(41:10):
Okay.
But once that period, you know,pans out, you're back to your
normal self again.
If you're staying in that spacefor longer than you should be,
then it becomes a problem, right, okay.
So always, anytime you'refeeling anything different again
(41:31):
, creatures of habits.
You know yourself, you knowwhat you do.
You know the time you go to bed.
You know the time you wake up.
You know.
You know on a good night I'msupposed to have a full night's
rest.
The minute anything startsinterfering that you find that
you're waking up at 1 am.
Now you can't sleep again.
What's wrong?
You can't identify why.
Nothing has happened.
You haven't lost a job, youhaven't lost a family member,
(41:53):
you haven't lost anything.
Everything is intact in yourlife.
But I can't sleep.
I'm waking up at midnight or 1am and I can't sleep again till
6 am, and then now, when I getto work, I'm dozing off.
There's something wrong.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
Okay, that's where you, that's where the difference
is.
I give tapas in medicine.
You talk to them.
Yes, then you know there'ssomething wrong.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Once anything affects your routine and you can't tell
why, there's no reason, youcan't point out any exact reason
why then there's a change inthis routine, then there is
something wrong because you knowthings play out mentally by
affecting our routines.
That's how things play outmentally.
(42:36):
Physically, when something iswrong with you, then you start
feeling a pain in some part ofyour body.
Yes, you see certain signs andyou know.
But mentally things play out byaffecting our routines.
That's how things play outmentally.
It will just start affectingyour routine.
You can't sleep anymore, youstart eating, more or less, and
(42:59):
it's drastic, and let me stressthat it's drastic.
That's how you know there'ssomething wrong.
If there's a change in appetiteand you're still eating, but
maybe you're not eating so much,it's normal.
But if it's drastic, okay, youfind that sometimes in the whole
day you're not even hungry theentire day.
(43:22):
And even when now you have toremind yourself to eat, when you
remind yourself to eat, youdon't even know what you're
going to eat.
Nothing.
You don't fancy anything.
You don't fancy anything.
Even your favorite food youdon't fancy, and it's for an
extended period.
That's how things play outmentally.
(43:45):
Okay, a lack of sleep, a change,a drastic change in your sleep
pattern.
You find that you can't sleepas much anymore.
You're eating so much more thanyou normally would, or so much
less.
So it's always drastic and ithappens, and there's no reason
why.
You haven't lost a familymember, you haven't lost a job,
nothing has happened.
(44:05):
Your life is just the way it is.
But then there's this drasticchange.
That's how, mentally, thingsplay out.
Usually it means that there's aroot cause of something you
haven't dealt with.
Swept under the rug.
Swept under the rug, sweptunder the rug and it's playing
out.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Thank you so much.
Look, guys, if you are not partof our family, please subscribe
and become part of the family.
Give this, because there'ssomebody out there that needs to
hear it, and stay connected.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.