February 13, 2024 • 23 mins
Ever caught yourself chuckling at those marriage memes that hit a little too close to home? We've been there, and this episode is all about unpacking the humor and heart of love languages. My partner and I walk you through our own dance of missteps and milestones, sharing the kind of personal stories that'll make you nod in recognition and maybe shed a tear or two. It's about more than just getting the giggles over familiar quirks; it's about learning to channel our love in the ways our partner receives it best, even after 14 years of marriage.
As the conversation blossoms, we extend the branches of love languages into the wider garden of relationships. We've all been that person—or known that person—who doesn't quite get the whole "personal space" concept. But beyond the awkward encounters lies a deeper discussion about respect and understanding in all types of interactions. We share touching anecdotes that illustrate the profound impact of tuning in to the emotional frequencies of friends, family, and colleagues—whether that's offering a supportive word or respecting a "no touch" policy.
The heart of this episode beats to the rhythm of communication—its challenges, its nuances, and its power to fill up those love tanks. We talk about the nitty-gritty of navigating life's conversations, the music in our words, and how aligning our paths can lead to a symphony of mutual growth. No mantras or magic wands here, just real talk and practical tools, like Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages," to help you and your loved ones vocalize and harmonize your needs. Join us, share your journey, and let's foster the kind of love that echoes through every part of our lives. Peace and love to you all.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Y'all know the TikTok video it's on Instagram too,
for all of us millennials theone where the woman is in the
kitchen and her husband walks byher and she's literally like so
upset, she's so angry and thepunchline is literally because
the husband just walked by herand he didn't tap her on the
bottom.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
First of all, that actually happened a couple of
minutes ago, but I did tap.
You Wait what?
Maybe we're just in the kitchenright now and I walked by and I
was like bup, bup.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Anyways, I am she, she is me,that is me, that is my marriage,
that is me.
If he doesn't touch me when hewalks by, I literally think,
like you hate me.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
This girl is not satisfied if I'm not like
grabbing on her, touching her,tapping her, something like that
Even sometimes.
Sometimes I walk by and I'mlike spah and she's like ooh,
I'm like you satisfied, are yousatisfied?
I'm?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
sorry, guys.
I'm sorry for all of those whohave never seen this side of us.
Some of y'all know this is howwe are, but some of y'all are
still learning us.
So I'm sorry, welcome to ourmarriage.
That is who I am.
It is true I do love it, andeven the kids know.
Even Jordan was in kindergartenwhen he was telling his teacher
that daddy hit mommy on thebutt.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Oh my gosh, yo real quick.
Shout out to everybody that'sjust joining us on this channel.
That's joining us, whetheryou're listening on YouTube,
watch on YouTube or Spotify orApple Podcasts, wherever you're
watching from, listen.
If you feel like these videos,if you've just joined in and you
feel like you're already partof the family, subscribe, like,
listen.
This is not just passivelistening, this is active
(01:37):
engagement.
Listen.
We don't want you to just hitsubscribe just for fun.
We want you to come along withus with this journey and so
let's dig.
It's been a really coolopportunity for us as a family.
As a couple, we've beenplugging in so many different
opportunities to talk and dig,and so, if you're ready for this
ride, let's dig Dig.
Okay, so let's even tap intowhat even led us to have this
(02:00):
conversation today.
Right, because we're talkingabout that meme.
I remember you send me thatmeme a couple of days or maybe
weeks ago.
You sent me a meme and it wasanother meme actually of a
little ducky.
It was like a little ducksaying quack, quack, quack,
nobody loves me, and on top ofit it says like what?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
does it say?
It said when a husband walks byand doesn't touch his wife's
butt.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
And then the little duckling was like so sad and he
said nobody loves me.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
And you know what's wild y'all is.
I could, I can spend my wholeentire day focused and devoted.
Focused and devoted to doingthings for my wife, trying to
please her washing the cars,doing the house cleaning,
vacuuming, picking up the kids,doing their hair, taking them to
school, do all these type ofthings.
But sometimes what happens isat the end of the day, I'm just
(02:46):
plugging, I'm feeling, I'm doingeverything that I can, all to
find out that my wife's lovetank was still empty, depleted.
She was not satisfied and,honestly, we went through.
This whole topic is gonna beabout love languages.
First of all, if you haven'tpicked up on this, this is about
love languages.
We've been married going on 14years now and we got plugged
into love languages at thebeginning at our pre-marital
(03:09):
counseling.
And we thought oh bet, we got itall figured out.
Got it, her love language gotit, we got it.
And I speak this, I receive itlike this, and we thought we'd
be good.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
But a couple of months ago, yeah, it was like a
month or two ago.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
A month or two ago we went and had steak.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
We had a really good steak.
It was delicious, but I was notsatisfied.
Not with the steak, I was verysatisfied with the steak.
I was not satisfied with youand how you were speaking a love
language that didn't fill mylove tank.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Which is hard to hear because I was on the defense
y'all, because I'm over herethinking like man, I do all
these things for you.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
And wait and give me a second to boldly say my
husband does so much.
He is incredible, he is one ofa kind, he's not normal.
He will do our baby girl's hair.
He will teach our son somethinglike to take a shower and not
be so stinky Like he.
Like my husband is a bettercleaner than me, like he has
(04:11):
some incredible qualities.
But as I'm in this process andjourney of speaking up for
myself more, learning to put mywords together more, even just
in the 30s, like you just learnwho you are more, and so it was
at a point where I was like man,I feel terrible for it saying
these things because he does somuch.
But I have to tell you there'ssomething inside of me my love
(04:34):
tank is empty because you'redoing all the things that I can
see, but I'm not feeling thethings that you're doing and it
was hard for me to hear becauseI mean I got super defensive
because I'm like are you, areyou yo?
I do all these things, I won'tcome back to this and I
acknowledge that I said you doso much for us.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
And then it's when we got to this point where we're
like okay, what do youabsolutely need from me?
And we started to dig.
We started to dig and Irealized and you know I
connected it to my childhoodupbringing, you know, like what?
Like what I saw my dad do.
My dad was an access serviceguy, so he would do things.
He was a guy of gifts, so hewould get things and things like
that.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And you became this husband of acts of service, but
that was probably when we didthat test years ago when we
first got married.
That was probably one of mylowest ones was acts of service.
And so you had just become thishusband that spoke and kind of
mimicked what your dad did as achild and I was like hey, hello,
like remember who you'remarried to.
(05:34):
It's not that person.
I'm the I'm, these qualities,I'm these love languages, and
those are what really make mefeel connected to you, Cause
that's what it is at the end ofthe day.
Your love language is literallyimpacting how connected you
feel with your partner, withyour friendship, whatever it
really.
I love the verbiage of the lovetank, Cause it's just such a
(05:56):
good way to describe it.
We've talked about howsometimes you can throw jokes
out, and if my love tankdepending on where my meter is
on my love tank it is whetherthose jokes are funny or not
funny, right?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Well, and what's interesting, too, is matter of
fact.
You just mentioned, like youknow, with the people that
you're in relationship with,friends or coworkers, right, I
worked for this church and youremember that church that I
worked for, and they madeeveryone on staff take the love
test.
I'm gonna say like why are wedoing this?
But it makes so much sense,like here's the benefits y'all
of understanding the lovelanguages.
Right, it's for us to be ableto communicate with other people
(06:31):
.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Right, there's a way that and not just communicate,
but communicate in the mosteffective way for that person,
not reflective of you.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Right, because, for example, I'm a words guy.
So I'm like I think, okay, ifyou want to speak my language,
give me really nice words, speakcertain words towards me.
But we realize that's notsomething that I always do,
though, like I don't give thatright.
So my wife over here, she loveswords, she likes compliments.
She's like, oh, you smell good,you looked good, I like that.
(06:59):
And I find myself wanting thosetype of words, that type of
affirmation, right, that type oflove.
But I don't give it, right, andthat's what we realized.
I wanna encourage, I mean, fam,listen, love languages is so
important.
It's not just for people thatare in relationship of intimacy,
right, it's just, it's evenfriends, it's for families, it's
(07:20):
for coworkers, like people thatyou have a hard time
understanding, right, you findyourself, you know, giving gifts
to somebody.
I worked for this, that samechurch that I worked for.
There'd be this guy.
He'd come into my office andhe'd come in, he'd start giving
me these really deep shoulderrubs.
He's like, man, you're tense,man, oh, man, you're not feeling
good.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, Iwish this guy would stop
(07:41):
touching me because I scoredlike a one or zero in touch.
The five love languages.
Right, we got touch.
Right we got words.
We got gifts, we got acts.
And what's the last one?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Man, I had them all, and then you just named them off
and forgot them.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Oh, I didn't do it in the right order, right we?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
should have had this ready, together, right.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
So we got all right.
We got words.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Words of affirmation we got touch.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Quality time, oh quality time, that's the one you
forgot, right, that's which isfunny that I forgot that one,
because that's one of yours.
That's one that I give.
That's one that I give.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Actually that's one of yours.
In general, though that wasactually your number one Because
I remember at the beginning ofour marriage it was really a
challenge to learn to give youwhat qualified is quality time.
I'd be with you but I'd be onmy phone or we would just be
chilling and that wouldfrustrate you because you're
like, you're not giving me my,you're undivided attention.
(08:31):
It wasn't quality to you and Ihad to learn how to love you in
that way of like putting myphone down.
If we're being intentional,we're being intentional and like
it's us time.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, that's crazy too, Because I know those
feelings too.
I know the times where you'dcome and cuddle me or sit next
to me or put your feet on me orbe all up on me and you think
like you're loving on me.
It's so interesting you thinkyou're loving on me and to me
I'm like you want to love on me,like put your phone down.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's doing nothing for me.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Yeah, I'm like, if you want to love on me, put your
phone down and let's actuallyspend quality time together.
Quality time is one of my biglove languages, so like whether
we're in the car and we're notlistening to music, you're off
your phone and it's just ussitting together, thinking
together.
That is quality time and whatreally brought this to our
attention y'all?
We're going on 14 years andwe're sitting here thinking like
(09:19):
man, we still haven't got thiswhole thing figured out.
We do not have it figured out,but what we do have figured out
is understanding that the deepunderstanding of this is the way
I give it and the way I receive.
It may not be the same exactthing and learning to understand
.
Okay, what type of language doyou speak?
(09:40):
Because I could do all theseacts of services for you.
Try to sit and have qualitytime, so all you really want is
my hand on your lap.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, so true.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
All you really want is for me to say you smell good.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
So true.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Crazy right.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Because all of those things they matter.
But there's an emotionconnected or not connected to
what they are.
So if you're doing acts ofservice, it's so appreciated.
I know that you take care of us, I know you work hard, I know
that it's not easy, but there'sjust this emotion that's not
attached to it, that justdoesn't make me feel connected
(10:16):
to you and secure.
But if you hold my hand or youdo just put your hand on my lap
while we're driving, or you dogive me words of affirmation of
like hey, I like your hair whenyou wear it like that, that
builds my self-esteem and thatgives me that emotion that makes
me feel connected to you.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah, that's interesting.
All right, we want to hear backfrom you guys.
What are some relationshipsthat you're in right now,
currently, that you feel likeyou're really struggling with?
Like whether it's with someoneyou're in a romantic
relationship with, whether it'sa sibling, a coworker, a boss,
an employee, someone that worksunder you.
You're probably figuring out,man, something is wrong with
this person or something iswrong with me.
(10:54):
Sometimes it's as simple as youhaven't figured out how to
speak their language.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
I think it's so helpful, too for coworkers.
If you're trying to connect,maybe to your boss, maybe to one
coworker that you just don'tlike, y'all are not on the same
level, you're not getting alongwell, like if you're really
trying to go out of your way toget your boss's attention, or
that coworker that you don'treally get along with, knowing
(11:20):
their love language or knowingwhat really matters to them.
That is a key component of howyou can get favor with your boss
.
Like if they're a gift person,then okay, pick them up a $5
Starbucks card and you can getyour boss's attention because
you finally started speakingtheir language.
That's why I love that thatlast church that you did it at
(11:41):
with your coworkers.
At first it seemed weird,because it's not love
relationships, but it found itso useful for the culture of
those employees to know how torespect each other.
That guy didn't realize youweren't a toucher and it was
actually off-putting for you forsomeone to touch you all the
time.
And then for him to understandoh my bad, I wasn't loving you,
(12:02):
wasn't speaking your language.
All back off.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Yeah, speaking of touch, right, because here I am
saying like, actually don'ttouch me, I'm good and I married
someone that only wants to betouched like a poodle Right, you
just want to be.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I like a golden retriever better.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Okay, golden retriever, like you just.
Oh, you remember that dog, thatwe had the first dog.
We had Roxy.
Roxy, like she was a lab slashwhat I don't know, she's a man.
Pomeranian.
That's what she was.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Yeah, she was like half lab, half pomeranian the
cutest thing ever.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
We soloed on Craigslist.
No, we gave her away onCraigslist and before we got
flagged, someone got it and thenwe got flagged.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
So we looked at the dog.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
I think the dog's still alive with somebody.
Anyways, that dog right therey'all.
That dog was wild, Wild, noexperienced dog.
In an alley dog, wild man wildman and that's sure enough to
bring all the dogs, because thedogs what I mean by what they do
what I'm saying is this is whatI tell the dog that I say, like
(12:59):
it's one of the most, yeah,just like hopping over the dog
and kind of like a loyal coatand stuff like that.
Yeah, when drinking water, whenthe dog comes, a few Tucson Wat
, it's going to be one of thoseactivists, right, yeah, which is
very cool.
But because of it being anorganization, it's something
that everybody that likes justgot figured out, and that's
Sometimes it could be as simpleas because you guys aren't
speaking the same language.
You're speaking one thing, theother person, like even my wife
Babe, there's times you straightup pivot.
(13:20):
Your personality can change ifyour tank isn't full, right, you
guys, I sometimes I think I'mfunny, right, sometimes I'll be
making these jokes, right, andDan Lu would be like you're, oh
my gosh, you're such a jerk.
And I'm sitting here thinkinglike yo, I made this joke
yesterday, you laughed at it.
But here's what I realized Hertank was not full, she was
depleted.
And when you're depleted, whenyou're empty, you act up.
(13:42):
When your car is empty, itstarts to act up right, you
better fill it up, I wasn'tacting up, you just mean.
But what I'm saying is youchange your behaviors, change
it's because I realize you'rerunning on E.
It's true, you're running on E.
Listen y'all, it's a, it's a,it's a work, it's a work for us.
I get it sometimes to be ableto satisfy someone else because
you think, well, that's not onme, that's on them.
(14:04):
Well, no, if we're inrelationship with each other,
right.
If we're friends, if you and Iare friends, right.
And I realize that you speak,you enjoy quality time.
Every time I come to you and askyou for something, right, I
would fully understand if yourbehaviors start to shift, you
start to pivot, because yourealize, like yo, every time P
(14:24):
comes to me, he's asking forsomething.
But if he will come to me withjust good quality time, to just
sit down with you and be like,hey, what's up, man, you doing
all right, all right, hey, man,I'm like, I'm just going to call
them.
And he's like yo, Pierre,what's up, man, what's the honor
for today?
Like, what's up?
What are you thinking Like?
You know, like, what honor do Iowe you?
(14:44):
And I was just like, nah, man,I was just thinking about you.
You're on my mind and justchecking on you and he's like
what, bro, that's crazy man,thank you.
And he's going through a lot ofstuff.
He's in dialysis, he's goingthrough a lot of different
things with this health.
And just the fact that I calledhim just to have a good quality
conversation, I wasn't like, hey, man, here's where, here's all
(15:04):
right, man, here's what I calledyou.
There was none of that.
The reason why I called you wasjust quality time.
I was filling up his tank.
I just found out he just gotout of dialysis that morning.
I didn't know that I was justmore just checking in on him
Filling up his tank, which bynature I give quality time to at
the same time.
And so I'm learning tounderstand like sometimes that
those are easy but reallyunderstanding to speak your
(15:26):
language, when your tank is full, happy wife, happy life, right,
they always say that, but Iunderstand that when your tank
is full and you're in a goodplace, everyone around you gets
a better.
Danny Lee Sure.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
And I know that you know some of us millennials that
may be listening like y'allknow that love languages had a
really, really big like sceneand it kind of got overdone and
I honestly I don't hear a lot ofpeople talk about it anymore
Like, but it has been sovaluable even to just have the
verbiage of like.
When you're making those jokesand they're not landing how I
(16:01):
like them and they are feelingreally mean, I can literally
look at you and just say, hey,my love tank is empty and you
know I got to pull back.
Let me pull back on the jokesand let me just snuggle her a
little bit more.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I'll come in, I'll hug her, I'll grab her every
every I'll just I'll do a lot ofthings.
Wow, babe.
I'll do a lot of things for herto chill out, calm down, fill
the tank.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
And it literally will I say literally too much it
will bring my blood pressuredown so much and it will help me
like woo sigh, I'm okay againand it really is like so there's
so much value and knowing whatyour love languages are, being
able to verbalize what you needfrom someone.
I feel really strongly aboutthat because it is something
(16:47):
I've had to work on.
It is something I've had towork on finding those words to
say this is what I need from you.
And asking those things of youof like, hey, I actually really
need this to be the best wifethat I can be, to be the best
mom that I can be.
This is what I need from you.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Yeah, that's actually like one of the best features
that we've added to ourrelationship is asking each
other okay, what do you need?
I remember when we firststarted doing that exercise,
like several years ago, likewe'll go through this big fight
Most people they'll go throughfights like they'll just get
into arguments and they're likeman, whatever, whatever, they'll
just let it die out and theynever deal with it until it
(17:23):
comes back out again.
And for us, when we finallycool down, we'll sit at a moment
, we'll say okay, what do youneed from me?
Actual homework, actualtangible homework.
I say, hey, how can I do better?
Where can I grow?
And that's honestly, has reallychanged our life.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Yeah, it was a really big turning point.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
So those times, like where you're like man, when
you're always making fun oryou're cracking jokes, like
here's what I need, Like I needyou to know, like when my tank
is empty, when my tank is full,like when I feel like I'm empty,
like I feel like all I'mgetting from you is hate.
I'm not getting any love.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I feel like you're hating on me or you're poking me
and I'll say I'll be like treadlightly cause my tank doesn't
feel real full right now.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And then I pause, I fill up her tank.
Really good, fill you up realgood Babe, keep going, keep
talking.
I'll fill you up real good, andthen there we go, we good, I
call up my boys and we can goout, chill, hang out, because
Dan Lee feels satisfied,satisfied.
And that satisfaction, again,it's not just for marriages,
y'all, it's for anyone thatyou're in relationship with man.
(18:22):
I want to encourage you guys,like you know, like, like
whether it's a friend, like isit a sibling, Right?
Is it something that you'realways bumping heads with?
Like really understand?
Like, okay, like, because atthe end of the day, like
relationships, you know, likeyou guys heard me say it in a
few episodes ago right, itshouldn't just be indoor, you
shouldn't just puff and puff andbe like, oh well, that's just
how it is.
No, it doesn't have to be thatway.
(18:43):
Like it's you coming togetherand say, hey, let's walk through
this.
Hey, every time you say this,it makes me feel this certain
type of way how, how can?
Even the other day, I said acomment to you, like we were
talking and and I, you know wesaid something and I said is
that a problem?
Oh, father, and that was likeyou know, it ruffled feathers,
but my heart was in a pure place.
I genuinely was trying tounderstand is this going to be a
(19:03):
problem you know and I heard,is this going to be a problem?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
That's what I heard.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Yeah and so, but it was us understanding tones.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
It was us understanding.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
So even tones, that's a whole episode for a whole
another day, because based offof your life, based off of how
you live, how you, brought upit's going to determine so many
different things on how you heartones, but really understanding
each other's hearts andunderstanding that, hey, we're
both working at this and I tellmy wife this all the time, I
tell my friends this all thetime I say, hey, man, like we're
not bumping heads, man, I'drather us bump shoulders.
(19:33):
Shoulders tells it, tells methat we're alongside each other.
That's the biggest thing.
So I want to challengeeverybody, man, like, really tap
into your love languages,understand the language.
That to really go deeper, right, deeper, to foster that, to
have an understanding and toreally bring satisfaction in the
way you communicate with otherpeople.
Understand what works for you,right and understand that.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
So there's a book that they can read five love
languages.
We'll put it in the show notes.
The author of it.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And then I think Gary Chapman, I think.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh wow, you pulled that out.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Sarah, good job.
I chatted GBT to earlier.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Oh, that's true.
Okay.
So, gary Chapman, the five lovelanguages and there's a few
different ones, I believe, thatare for, like, specific spouses
or different types ofrelationships and then there's a
quiz that will tell you likeyour top two gifts of, or which
love languages speak to you themost.
And it is really wild I justneed to say it again that you
(20:29):
scored a zero or a one onphysical touch.
Don't touch me.
I remember like that was aseason we were watching Walking
Dead and I was like are you azombie?
Speaker 2 (20:40):
That's funny.
Just don't touch me.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
That's all I gotta say just don't touch me and you
married a person who needs themost physical touch and I
understand it and I'll make allthe adjustments that I need.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Yo, listen, we wanna hear from you guys.
Dm us, hit us up, jump in thechats, send us a comment on
Instagram, like, whatever ittakes, let us know, like, what
are some things that you feellike you're challenged with when
it comes to communication,especially using emotions, and
when it comes to love, like, letus know where can we partner up
with you, where can we pray foryou?
(21:10):
Man, I understand, like thislife is really hard, and so it's
important for us to understandthat there are people like you
and I that can come together andreally just walk alongside each
other.
You're gonna hear say this allthe time Relationship is key.
God intended relationship forus to be able to walk alongside
each other.
So we wanna keep pushing youguys to build your relationship
with God.
(21:31):
Develop your relationship withothers.
Go easy on yourself.
Love yourself right.
Care for others.
Jesus said that too.
Care for others.
Love others like you lovedyourself Right.
Treat others as you wanna betreated.
As you can tell, we got likewe're faith based, and so we
wanna encourage you have a goodrelationship with yourself, have
a solid relationship withothers and let's love on others
(21:52):
and not just use them.
And care, care, care, care,care, care.
Listen with intentionality, digdeep and we're gonna see so
much change in our life.
All right, let's continue todig y'all.
Peace, love y'all.
Y'all know the TikTok video it's on Instagram too,
for all of us millennials theone where the woman is in the
kitchen and her husband walks byher and she's literally like so
upset, she's so angry and thepunchline is literally because
the husband just walked by herand he didn't tap her on the
bottom.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
First of all, that actually happened a couple of
minutes ago, but I did tap.
You Wait what?
Maybe we're just in the kitchenright now and I walked by and I
was like bup, bup.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Anyways, I am she, she is me,that is me, that is my marriage,
that is me.
If he doesn't touch me when hewalks by, I literally think,
like you hate me.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
This girl is not satisfied if I'm not like
grabbing on her, touching her,tapping her, something like that
Even sometimes.
Sometimes I walk by and I'mlike spah and she's like ooh,
I'm like you satisfied, are yousatisfied?
I'm?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
sorry, guys.
I'm sorry for all of those whohave never seen this side of us.
Some of y'all know this is howwe are, but some of y'all are
still learning us.
So I'm sorry, welcome to ourmarriage.
That is who I am.
It is true I do love it, andeven the kids know.
Even Jordan was in kindergartenwhen he was telling his teacher
that daddy hit mommy on thebutt.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Oh my gosh, yo real quick.
Shout out to everybody that'sjust joining us on this channel.
That's joining us, whetheryou're listening on YouTube,
watch on YouTube or Spotify orApple Podcasts, wherever you're
watching from, listen.
If you feel like these videos,if you've just joined in and you
feel like you're already partof the family, subscribe, like,
listen.
This is not just passivelistening, this is active
(01:37):
engagement.
Listen.
We don't want you to just hitsubscribe just for fun.
We want you to come along withus with this journey and so
let's dig.
It's been a really coolopportunity for us as a family.
As a couple, we've beenplugging in so many different
opportunities to talk and dig,and so, if you're ready for this
ride, let's dig Dig.
Okay, so let's even tap intowhat even led us to have this
(02:00):
conversation today.
Right, because we're talkingabout that meme.
I remember you send me thatmeme a couple of days or maybe
weeks ago.
You sent me a meme and it wasanother meme actually of a
little ducky.
It was like a little ducksaying quack, quack, quack,
nobody loves me, and on top ofit it says like what?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
does it say?
It said when a husband walks byand doesn't touch his wife's
butt.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
And then the little duckling was like so sad and he
said nobody loves me.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
And you know what's wild y'all is.
I could, I can spend my wholeentire day focused and devoted.
Focused and devoted to doingthings for my wife, trying to
please her washing the cars,doing the house cleaning,
vacuuming, picking up the kids,doing their hair, taking them to
school, do all these type ofthings.
But sometimes what happens isat the end of the day, I'm just
(02:46):
plugging, I'm feeling, I'm doingeverything that I can, all to
find out that my wife's lovetank was still empty, depleted.
She was not satisfied and,honestly, we went through.
This whole topic is gonna beabout love languages.
First of all, if you haven'tpicked up on this, this is about
love languages.
We've been married going on 14years now and we got plugged
into love languages at thebeginning at our pre-marital
(03:09):
counseling.
And we thought oh bet, we got itall figured out.
Got it, her love language gotit, we got it.
And I speak this, I receive itlike this, and we thought we'd
be good.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
But a couple of months ago, yeah, it was like a
month or two ago.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
A month or two ago we went and had steak.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
We had a really good steak.
It was delicious, but I was notsatisfied.
Not with the steak, I was verysatisfied with the steak.
I was not satisfied with youand how you were speaking a love
language that didn't fill mylove tank.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Which is hard to hear because I was on the defense
y'all, because I'm over herethinking like man, I do all
these things for you.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
And wait and give me a second to boldly say my
husband does so much.
He is incredible, he is one ofa kind, he's not normal.
He will do our baby girl's hair.
He will teach our son somethinglike to take a shower and not
be so stinky Like he.
Like my husband is a bettercleaner than me, like he has
(04:11):
some incredible qualities.
But as I'm in this process andjourney of speaking up for
myself more, learning to put mywords together more, even just
in the 30s, like you just learnwho you are more, and so it was
at a point where I was like man,I feel terrible for it saying
these things because he does somuch.
But I have to tell you there'ssomething inside of me my love
(04:34):
tank is empty because you'redoing all the things that I can
see, but I'm not feeling thethings that you're doing and it
was hard for me to hear becauseI mean I got super defensive
because I'm like are you, areyou yo?
I do all these things, I won'tcome back to this and I
acknowledge that I said you doso much for us.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
And then it's when we got to this point where we're
like okay, what do youabsolutely need from me?
And we started to dig.
We started to dig and Irealized and you know I
connected it to my childhoodupbringing, you know, like what?
Like what I saw my dad do.
My dad was an access serviceguy, so he would do things.
He was a guy of gifts, so hewould get things and things like
that.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And you became this husband of acts of service, but
that was probably when we didthat test years ago when we
first got married.
That was probably one of mylowest ones was acts of service.
And so you had just become thishusband that spoke and kind of
mimicked what your dad did as achild and I was like hey, hello,
like remember who you'remarried to.
(05:34):
It's not that person.
I'm the I'm, these qualities,I'm these love languages, and
those are what really make mefeel connected to you, Cause
that's what it is at the end ofthe day.
Your love language is literallyimpacting how connected you
feel with your partner, withyour friendship, whatever it
really.
I love the verbiage of the lovetank, Cause it's just such a
(05:56):
good way to describe it.
We've talked about howsometimes you can throw jokes
out, and if my love tankdepending on where my meter is
on my love tank it is whetherthose jokes are funny or not
funny, right?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Well, and what's interesting, too, is matter of
fact.
You just mentioned, like youknow, with the people that
you're in relationship with,friends or coworkers, right, I
worked for this church and youremember that church that I
worked for, and they madeeveryone on staff take the love
test.
I'm gonna say like why are wedoing this?
But it makes so much sense,like here's the benefits y'all
of understanding the lovelanguages.
Right, it's for us to be ableto communicate with other people
(06:31):
.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Right, there's a way that and not just communicate,
but communicate in the mosteffective way for that person,
not reflective of you.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Right, because, for example, I'm a words guy.
So I'm like I think, okay, ifyou want to speak my language,
give me really nice words, speakcertain words towards me.
But we realize that's notsomething that I always do,
though, like I don't give thatright.
So my wife over here, she loveswords, she likes compliments.
She's like, oh, you smell good,you looked good, I like that.
(06:59):
And I find myself wanting thosetype of words, that type of
affirmation, right, that type oflove.
But I don't give it, right, andthat's what we realized.
I wanna encourage, I mean, fam,listen, love languages is so
important.
It's not just for people thatare in relationship of intimacy,
right, it's just, it's evenfriends, it's for families, it's
(07:20):
for coworkers, like people thatyou have a hard time
understanding, right, you findyourself, you know, giving gifts
to somebody.
I worked for this, that samechurch that I worked for.
There'd be this guy.
He'd come into my office andhe'd come in, he'd start giving
me these really deep shoulderrubs.
He's like, man, you're tense,man, oh, man, you're not feeling
good.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, Iwish this guy would stop
(07:41):
touching me because I scoredlike a one or zero in touch.
The five love languages.
Right, we got touch.
Right we got words.
We got gifts, we got acts.
And what's the last one?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Man, I had them all, and then you just named them off
and forgot them.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Oh, I didn't do it in the right order, right we?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
should have had this ready, together, right.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
So we got all right.
We got words.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Words of affirmation we got touch.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Quality time, oh quality time, that's the one you
forgot, right, that's which isfunny that I forgot that one,
because that's one of yours.
That's one that I give.
That's one that I give.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Actually that's one of yours.
In general, though that wasactually your number one Because
I remember at the beginning ofour marriage it was really a
challenge to learn to give youwhat qualified is quality time.
I'd be with you but I'd be onmy phone or we would just be
chilling and that wouldfrustrate you because you're
like, you're not giving me my,you're undivided attention.
(08:31):
It wasn't quality to you and Ihad to learn how to love you in
that way of like putting myphone down.
If we're being intentional,we're being intentional and like
it's us time.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, that's crazy too, Because I know those
feelings too.
I know the times where you'dcome and cuddle me or sit next
to me or put your feet on me orbe all up on me and you think
like you're loving on me.
It's so interesting you thinkyou're loving on me and to me
I'm like you want to love on me,like put your phone down.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's doing nothing for me.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Yeah, I'm like, if you want to love on me, put your
phone down and let's actuallyspend quality time together.
Quality time is one of my biglove languages, so like whether
we're in the car and we're notlistening to music, you're off
your phone and it's just ussitting together, thinking
together.
That is quality time and whatreally brought this to our
attention y'all?
We're going on 14 years andwe're sitting here thinking like
(09:19):
man, we still haven't got thiswhole thing figured out.
We do not have it figured out,but what we do have figured out
is understanding that the deepunderstanding of this is the way
I give it and the way I receive.
It may not be the same exactthing and learning to understand
.
Okay, what type of language doyou speak?
(09:40):
Because I could do all theseacts of services for you.
Try to sit and have qualitytime, so all you really want is
my hand on your lap.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, so true.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
All you really want is for me to say you smell good.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
So true.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Crazy right.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Because all of those things they matter.
But there's an emotionconnected or not connected to
what they are.
So if you're doing acts ofservice, it's so appreciated.
I know that you take care of us, I know you work hard, I know
that it's not easy, but there'sjust this emotion that's not
attached to it, that justdoesn't make me feel connected
(10:16):
to you and secure.
But if you hold my hand or youdo just put your hand on my lap
while we're driving, or you dogive me words of affirmation of
like hey, I like your hair whenyou wear it like that, that
builds my self-esteem and thatgives me that emotion that makes
me feel connected to you.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah, that's interesting.
All right, we want to hear backfrom you guys.
What are some relationshipsthat you're in right now,
currently, that you feel likeyou're really struggling with?
Like whether it's with someoneyou're in a romantic
relationship with, whether it'sa sibling, a coworker, a boss,
an employee, someone that worksunder you.
You're probably figuring out,man, something is wrong with
this person or something iswrong with me.
(10:54):
Sometimes it's as simple as youhaven't figured out how to
speak their language.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
I think it's so helpful, too for coworkers.
If you're trying to connect,maybe to your boss, maybe to one
coworker that you just don'tlike, y'all are not on the same
level, you're not getting alongwell, like if you're really
trying to go out of your way toget your boss's attention, or
that coworker that you don'treally get along with, knowing
(11:20):
their love language or knowingwhat really matters to them.
That is a key component of howyou can get favor with your boss
.
Like if they're a gift person,then okay, pick them up a $5
Starbucks card and you can getyour boss's attention because
you finally started speakingtheir language.
That's why I love that thatlast church that you did it at
(11:41):
with your coworkers.
At first it seemed weird,because it's not love
relationships, but it found itso useful for the culture of
those employees to know how torespect each other.
That guy didn't realize youweren't a toucher and it was
actually off-putting for you forsomeone to touch you all the
time.
And then for him to understandoh my bad, I wasn't loving you,
(12:02):
wasn't speaking your language.
All back off.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Yeah, speaking of touch, right, because here I am
saying like, actually don'ttouch me, I'm good and I married
someone that only wants to betouched like a poodle Right, you
just want to be.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I like a golden retriever better.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Okay, golden retriever, like you just.
Oh, you remember that dog, thatwe had the first dog.
We had Roxy.
Roxy, like she was a lab slashwhat I don't know, she's a man.
Pomeranian.
That's what she was.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Yeah, she was like half lab, half pomeranian the
cutest thing ever.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
We soloed on Craigslist.
No, we gave her away onCraigslist and before we got
flagged, someone got it and thenwe got flagged.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
So we looked at the dog.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
I think the dog's still alive with somebody.
Anyways, that dog right therey'all.
That dog was wild, Wild, noexperienced dog.
In an alley dog, wild man wildman and that's sure enough to
bring all the dogs, because thedogs what I mean by what they do
what I'm saying is this is whatI tell the dog that I say, like
(12:59):
it's one of the most, yeah,just like hopping over the dog
and kind of like a loyal coatand stuff like that.
Yeah, when drinking water, whenthe dog comes, a few Tucson Wat
, it's going to be one of thoseactivists, right, yeah, which is
very cool.
But because of it being anorganization, it's something
that everybody that likes justgot figured out, and that's
Sometimes it could be as simpleas because you guys aren't
speaking the same language.
You're speaking one thing, theother person, like even my wife
Babe, there's times you straightup pivot.
(13:20):
Your personality can change ifyour tank isn't full, right, you
guys, I sometimes I think I'mfunny, right, sometimes I'll be
making these jokes, right, andDan Lu would be like you're, oh
my gosh, you're such a jerk.
And I'm sitting here thinkinglike yo, I made this joke
yesterday, you laughed at it.
But here's what I realized Hertank was not full, she was
depleted.
And when you're depleted, whenyou're empty, you act up.
(13:42):
When your car is empty, itstarts to act up right, you
better fill it up, I wasn'tacting up, you just mean.
But what I'm saying is youchange your behaviors, change
it's because I realize you'rerunning on E.
It's true, you're running on E.
Listen y'all, it's a, it's a,it's a work, it's a work for us.
I get it sometimes to be ableto satisfy someone else because
you think, well, that's not onme, that's on them.
(14:04):
Well, no, if we're inrelationship with each other,
right.
If we're friends, if you and Iare friends, right.
And I realize that you speak,you enjoy quality time.
Every time I come to you and askyou for something, right, I
would fully understand if yourbehaviors start to shift, you
start to pivot, because yourealize, like yo, every time P
(14:24):
comes to me, he's asking forsomething.
But if he will come to me withjust good quality time, to just
sit down with you and be like,hey, what's up, man, you doing
all right, all right, hey, man,I'm like, I'm just going to call
them.
And he's like yo, Pierre,what's up, man, what's the honor
for today?
Like, what's up?
What are you thinking Like?
You know, like, what honor do Iowe you?
(14:44):
And I was just like, nah, man,I was just thinking about you.
You're on my mind and justchecking on you and he's like
what, bro, that's crazy man,thank you.
And he's going through a lot ofstuff.
He's in dialysis, he's goingthrough a lot of different
things with this health.
And just the fact that I calledhim just to have a good quality
conversation, I wasn't like, hey, man, here's where, here's all
(15:04):
right, man, here's what I calledyou.
There was none of that.
The reason why I called you wasjust quality time.
I was filling up his tank.
I just found out he just gotout of dialysis that morning.
I didn't know that I was justmore just checking in on him
Filling up his tank, which bynature I give quality time to at
the same time.
And so I'm learning tounderstand like sometimes that
those are easy but reallyunderstanding to speak your
(15:26):
language, when your tank is full, happy wife, happy life, right,
they always say that, but Iunderstand that when your tank
is full and you're in a goodplace, everyone around you gets
a better.
Danny Lee Sure.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
And I know that you know some of us millennials that
may be listening like y'allknow that love languages had a
really, really big like sceneand it kind of got overdone and
I honestly I don't hear a lot ofpeople talk about it anymore
Like, but it has been sovaluable even to just have the
verbiage of like.
When you're making those jokesand they're not landing how I
(16:01):
like them and they are feelingreally mean, I can literally
look at you and just say, hey,my love tank is empty and you
know I got to pull back.
Let me pull back on the jokesand let me just snuggle her a
little bit more.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I'll come in, I'll hug her, I'll grab her every
every I'll just I'll do a lot ofthings.
Wow, babe.
I'll do a lot of things for herto chill out, calm down, fill
the tank.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
And it literally will I say literally too much it
will bring my blood pressuredown so much and it will help me
like woo sigh, I'm okay againand it really is like so there's
so much value and knowing whatyour love languages are, being
able to verbalize what you needfrom someone.
I feel really strongly aboutthat because it is something
(16:47):
I've had to work on.
It is something I've had towork on finding those words to
say this is what I need from you.
And asking those things of youof like, hey, I actually really
need this to be the best wifethat I can be, to be the best
mom that I can be.
This is what I need from you.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Yeah, that's actually like one of the best features
that we've added to ourrelationship is asking each
other okay, what do you need?
I remember when we firststarted doing that exercise,
like several years ago, likewe'll go through this big fight
Most people they'll go throughfights like they'll just get
into arguments and they're likeman, whatever, whatever, they'll
just let it die out and theynever deal with it until it
(17:23):
comes back out again.
And for us, when we finallycool down, we'll sit at a moment
, we'll say okay, what do youneed from me?
Actual homework, actualtangible homework.
I say, hey, how can I do better?
Where can I grow?
And that's honestly, has reallychanged our life.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Yeah, it was a really big turning point.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
So those times, like where you're like man, when
you're always making fun oryou're cracking jokes, like
here's what I need, Like I needyou to know, like when my tank
is empty, when my tank is full,like when I feel like I'm empty,
like I feel like all I'mgetting from you is hate.
I'm not getting any love.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I feel like you're hating on me or you're poking me
and I'll say I'll be like treadlightly cause my tank doesn't
feel real full right now.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And then I pause, I fill up her tank.
Really good, fill you up realgood Babe, keep going, keep
talking.
I'll fill you up real good, andthen there we go, we good, I
call up my boys and we can goout, chill, hang out, because
Dan Lee feels satisfied,satisfied.
And that satisfaction, again,it's not just for marriages,
y'all, it's for anyone thatyou're in relationship with man.
(18:22):
I want to encourage you guys,like you know, like, like
whether it's a friend, like isit a sibling, Right?
Is it something that you'realways bumping heads with?
Like really understand?
Like, okay, like, because atthe end of the day, like
relationships, you know, likeyou guys heard me say it in a
few episodes ago right, itshouldn't just be indoor, you
shouldn't just puff and puff andbe like, oh well, that's just
how it is.
No, it doesn't have to be thatway.
(18:43):
Like it's you coming togetherand say, hey, let's walk through
this.
Hey, every time you say this,it makes me feel this certain
type of way how, how can?
Even the other day, I said acomment to you, like we were
talking and and I, you know wesaid something and I said is
that a problem?
Oh, father, and that was likeyou know, it ruffled feathers,
but my heart was in a pure place.
I genuinely was trying tounderstand is this going to be a
(19:03):
problem you know and I heard,is this going to be a problem?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
That's what I heard.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Yeah and so, but it was us understanding tones.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
It was us understanding.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
So even tones, that's a whole episode for a whole
another day, because based offof your life, based off of how
you live, how you, brought upit's going to determine so many
different things on how you heartones, but really understanding
each other's hearts andunderstanding that, hey, we're
both working at this and I tellmy wife this all the time, I
tell my friends this all thetime I say, hey, man, like we're
not bumping heads, man, I'drather us bump shoulders.
(19:33):
Shoulders tells it, tells methat we're alongside each other.
That's the biggest thing.
So I want to challengeeverybody, man, like, really tap
into your love languages,understand the language.
That to really go deeper, right, deeper, to foster that, to
have an understanding and toreally bring satisfaction in the
way you communicate with otherpeople.
Understand what works for you,right and understand that.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
So there's a book that they can read five love
languages.
We'll put it in the show notes.
The author of it.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And then I think Gary Chapman, I think.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh wow, you pulled that out.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Sarah, good job.
I chatted GBT to earlier.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Oh, that's true.
Okay.
So, gary Chapman, the five lovelanguages and there's a few
different ones, I believe, thatare for, like, specific spouses
or different types ofrelationships and then there's a
quiz that will tell you likeyour top two gifts of, or which
love languages speak to you themost.
And it is really wild I justneed to say it again that you
(20:29):
scored a zero or a one onphysical touch.
Don't touch me.
I remember like that was aseason we were watching Walking
Dead and I was like are you azombie?
Speaker 2 (20:40):
That's funny.
Just don't touch me.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
That's all I gotta say just don't touch me and you
married a person who needs themost physical touch and I
understand it and I'll make allthe adjustments that I need.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Yo, listen, we wanna hear from you guys.
Dm us, hit us up, jump in thechats, send us a comment on
Instagram, like, whatever ittakes, let us know, like, what
are some things that you feellike you're challenged with when
it comes to communication,especially using emotions, and
when it comes to love, like, letus know where can we partner up
with you, where can we pray foryou?
(21:10):
Man, I understand, like thislife is really hard, and so it's
important for us to understandthat there are people like you
and I that can come together andreally just walk alongside each
other.
You're gonna hear say this allthe time Relationship is key.
God intended relationship forus to be able to walk alongside
each other.
So we wanna keep pushing youguys to build your relationship
with God.
(21:31):
Develop your relationship withothers.
Go easy on yourself.
Love yourself right.
Care for others.
Jesus said that too.
Care for others.
Love others like you lovedyourself Right.
Treat others as you wanna betreated.
As you can tell, we got likewe're faith based, and so we
wanna encourage you have a goodrelationship with yourself, have
a solid relationship withothers and let's love on others
(21:52):
and not just use them.
And care, care, care, care,care, care.
Listen with intentionality, digdeep and we're gonna see so
much change in our life.
All right, let's continue todig y'all.
Peace, love y'all.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.