January 30, 2024 • 45 mins
Have you ever felt the sting of a loved one's assumptions colliding head-on with your intentions, spiraling into a family fight? We've been there, and we're pulling back the curtain on the crucial, yet often overlooked, art of communication within our most cherished relationships. From the chaos of clashing expectations to the intimate dance of self-awareness and conveying intentions, our latest episode is a candid exploration of the steps we've taken to keep our family dynamic harmonious, informed by the insightful Enneagram personality framework and transformative therapy lessons.
Navigating the ebb and flow of work-life balance while being present for our children's emotional needs can often feel like a tightrope walk over a canyon of misunderstandings. We delve into the emotional undercurrents that guide our familial interactions, sharing personal reflections on moments where our availability—or lack thereof—shaped our children's expectations. By bringing our own experiences to light, we aim to offer strategies for clear communication and empathy, using our Enneagram types as a map to understand and adapt to each other's emotional landscapes.
Ending our chat, we reflect on the profound personal growth launched by our quest for better communication. We share anecdotes of mastering the 'Mayday' pause in heated moments and the humbling journey of recognizing when pride clouds our judgment, striving always for reconciliation. As we wrap up, we underscore the serene transformation found in early morning spiritual practices and the power of drawing identity and purpose from faith. Join us on this journey of discovery, empathy, and self-improvement, as we share the insights and tools that have steered our ship through the sometimes stormy seas of close relationships.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danilee (00:00):
So this past summer I had some extra time with the
kids and which was really such ablessing, and I remember one
specific night that you hadworked a little bit later than
normal and I was putting thekids to bed.
Pierre (00:13):
Which side note, I told you I was going to be working
late that day.
Danilee (00:15):
Right, that was part of the plan.
Yes, I know that and is why Iput you don't need to Hold up.
Pierre (00:19):
Here's why I'm telling this side note, because, fellas,
listen, sometimes your girls begetting mad at you.
You know what?
Not even just fellas, everybody.
Sometimes, when people getfrustrated with you, you didn't
communicate with them your plan.
You just assumed that they knewwhat was in your head.
So why feel wasn't mad at mebecause I came home late.
She knew I'd be coming homelate, but you got mad at me.
All right, I'm sorry.
Danilee (00:38):
This is so.
That was for free.
That's what that was.
That was just for free.
Pierre (00:43):
All right, so let's.
I'm going to be doing this forthe rest of the episode.
Every single line.
You say I got something to sayno, all right, go ahead.
Sorry.
Danilee (00:49):
Anyways.
So I'm tucking the kids intobed, we're saying our prayers.
The kids have been asking allnight will daddy be home before
bedtime?
And I said no, he had to work.
That was the plan.
So I was on plan for him towork late and I was doing
bedtime.
It was okay.
And then while I'm praying forthe kids, the door opens, the
(01:12):
front door opens, and daddy'shome.
And the kids start sayingdaddy's home, daddy's here,
daddy's here, daddy's here.
We only have two kids, but theyall said it a bunch of times.
I thought I had four kids.
Pierre (01:21):
That one, I was just like how many people are in this
room?
Danilee (01:25):
They were excited that daddy made it home right before
they fell asleep.
So I was like, okay, relax, allright, in Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, daddy's coming, all right, relax.
Like I'm trying to keep themcalm because if you are a parent
and you come home at bedtime,you know that as soon as your
kids see you, they go throughthe roof.
So I was trying to keep itchill.
I believe you were on the phone.
Pierre (01:48):
I was on the phone and I tried to come in the house
really really secretly, likequietly, because I thought first
of all, it was like after nineso I thought I was outside on my
phone but it was hot, so I waslike let me come inside.
Which we need to get that doorfixed, because that door it was
making it was too many cracksand pops and I tried, I tried to
lift it, I tried to turn itLike, I tried to blow it open,
and while on the phone,whispering, like the guy on the
(02:09):
phone is like bro, where you atyou at the library, I'm like no,
my kids are asleep.
So that's why, because I wasoutside, I'm talking like yeah,
bro, it's crazy and I'm openingthe door.
I'm like, yeah, but yeah, bro,he's like get at the library.
Danilee (02:21):
Guys like why are you whispering?
I'm home.
Pierre (02:22):
And I can hear the kids say yeah, daddy's home, daddy,
can we say daddy?
And I'm like, and I'm talkingsoftly, I'm talking softly, and
I stayed on my phone call untilthe kids stopped calling for me.
Danilee (02:33):
So I kept waiting for him to go into the room to say
good night to the kids, becausehe just happened to make it in
time before the kids were goingto sleep.
But that never happened.
You never came to the room, thekids fell asleep, you stayed on
the phone and I got heated.
I was so mad with you, so angrywith you, and I was mad for my
(02:57):
kids, I was mad for me, I wasmad at you All of the above.
So on this episode, we want totalk about the enneagrams and
how much we've learned fromtherapy, and so in this, in this
instance this was a long timeago In this instance, this was a
lot of what I learned about mypersonality type and some things
(03:20):
that could be strengths andsome things that could be
weaknesses, and so we're goingto really dig into what we've
learned out of the enneagramsand out of our therapy and how
it really impacts our marriageand our relationship with even
other people around us in ourlife.
Right, okay, all right, let'sdig.
Then let's dig.
Pierre (03:39):
Well, first of all, let's tell them why you were mad
at me.
Danilee (03:43):
I was mad at you for never coming to see the kids.
Pierre (03:45):
Which I don't understand why, because the kids already
knew I was going to come.
I wasn't coming home forbedtime, they knew I was working
with that day, okay, but thatwas like the literally the
biggest tease of like daddy'shere, daddy's here, daddy's here
, and then daddy never came.
Danilee (03:59):
That's to me.
Pierre (04:00):
Okay, we'll talk about this another time because we
didn't.
What we didn't talk about iswhy were the kids going bed so
late?
That's not important, that yousee.
That that's why.
That's why, because I walked inknowing that, okay, I know
they're in bed, so that's why Istalled.
But anyways, we'll talk aboutit another time because we got
to figure out bedtime, all right.
But so what I'm saying is I inmy head, the kids knew that I
(04:22):
wasn't coming home that night totuck them in.
They knew that I was going tomake it.
I was not going to make it forbedtime and we had an
understanding.
Even Jordan, that afternoon,like when I saw him, I saw him
that morning and I told him Isaid I'm working late tonight,
son, so daddy's not going to bethere for bedtime, but I'll be
there tomorrow morning to takeyou to childcare, because it was
summertime or something likethat.
And so he knew that he had anunderstanding.
(04:44):
We were with each other thatmorning and that afternoon.
And so even Brooklyn I was withher, took her to daycare, all
that stuff.
So I felt like I was veryintentional of my absence for
that night, for that bedtimemoment.
So when you came out that night.
I didn't care.
I mean, you guys, this, this,this lady right here she came
(05:05):
out, who were you on the phonewith?
And I was like what, who?
I mean, I was like Jake fromState Farm.
Danilee (05:17):
Jake from State Farm.
Pierre (05:18):
Yeah, well, she sounds ugly.
Well, I'm like first of all.
I'm like wait.
I was like what so who are youtalking to?
Like why didn't?
I was like what are you?
What are you?
Danilee (05:27):
talking about.
I was really territorial offeeling like we share you all
the time and once you get in ourhouse, that we shouldn't have
to still share you with otherpeople.
And so I felt like once youcame in the door you were going
to come kiss the kids, goodnight, and you never did, and I
was really mad about.
We shouldn't have to share you,even at home.
Pierre (05:48):
And what did you say on behalf of the kids?
And the reason why I say onbehalf of the kids, because this
is what we're going to talkabout, like a little bit, like
you said, well, the kids feel,or the kids, yeah, the kids were
disappointed.
Danilee (05:57):
The kids were excited to hear you were home and then
then they had to go to sleep andnever got to see you and that's
unfair to them, is what I said.
Pierre (06:04):
And you said that.
I mean you even said that thekids feel like they have to
share you with other people andthat you spend time with other
people and they feel like theynever get you.
And I remember, guys, I was alittle slick that night, I was
like I was like they told youthat Ugh.
Danilee (06:20):
So annoying.
Pierre (06:24):
The kids told I was like disappointed I was like the
boys in third grade.
Danilee (06:27):
I said they're disappointed.
They didn't get to say goodnight to you.
I said they're disappointed.
Pierre (06:32):
Not a word that you learned to my fifth grade.
You're so dumb.
I was like.
I noticed I said this is course, you put the words in his mouth
.
This is not right.
But then I realized I was like,babe, I'll be honest with you,
I don't think the kids feel thatway.
I think you feel that way.
I think you had in your mindwhat you envisioned happening
when I came into the room andyou were upset that I didn't
(06:52):
accomplish what you just thoughtthat I would just do, because
you think it's natural, probablyyour upbringing, probably what
your dad would have done,probably what you just imagined.
Right, it's these things thatyou envisioned for me, your
personality, like you envisionedit for me, and I didn't fulfill
that.
So therefore, I disappointedyou and I felt like you was
projecting on me that moment.
(07:14):
Like you were saying like thekids feel, and I was like, is it
the kids that feel this way oryou feel?
Danilee (07:18):
I mean, we went from level one to 10 in like a minute
, but also yes, I was projectingI was disappointed for them.
I mean, brooklyn was two and ahalf at that point, or three.
I guess she was three already.
But anyways, she was young.
She's just fell sleep.
She's not gonna think nothingdifferent when she sees you in
the morning.
It is what it is, jordan.
(07:39):
I think I was disappointed forhim and you were very defensive
of your relationship with yourchildren and was like I have a
great relationship with my son.
I do actually.
You came so ridiculously hard.
You're like I have a greatrelationship with my son and
you're telling me, because Ididn't kiss him good night
tonight, that that traumatizeshim or that disappoints him,
(08:01):
like you were so headstrongwhich is also part of your
personality and part of yourstruggles of hearing someone
else give you feedback orobservations of your personality
type or things that you may do.
All that to say I wasreflecting, I was projecting,
(08:21):
but that is part of mypersonality type where I'm a
feeler.
I'm an extreme feeler and we'vebeen.
When we did therapy with Steve,we've talked about Steve a lot
here so far.
Steve was our therapist in 2020.
And he had us do theseenneagram assessment tests and I
had never we had done strengthfinders before, and strength
(08:45):
finders was helpful.
I think the biggest takeawayfrom strength finders was just
knowing that your strengths oryour weaknesses, your strengths,
can be used in the balcony orthe basement, and so I still
kind of take that and apply itto my enneagram A little bit of
like certain things that comenatural to me.
So, for those who are familiarwith enneagrams and for those of
(09:06):
you who think that it's demonic, don't come for us, we're good,
but the enneagram I'm a two anda six.
Our therapist said I was thestrongest, highest scoring two
he had ever seen and that thatwasn't a good thing.
Pierre (09:22):
Two is yeah, enneagrams are phenomenal, they're great.
Now let me just say adisclaimer real quick, Like, if
you want to get into personalitytests, those studies, those
type of things, I do encourageit.
It's a really good resource tobring attention to how you're
wired.
Now I will also say this foreveryone that's a believer?
(09:42):
Listen, we are believers inChrist.
If you haven't already learnedthat by us already, we live by
the spirit of God, and living bythe spirit of God tells us that
there's also fruits of thespirit.
So when I became a new personin Jesus, there were natural
temperaments that I had growingup that were modified or that
just went away, or God literallyworked on it.
(10:04):
I know that.
I know those moments.
There's times where I couldn'tfeel compassion or sympathy and
there's times I'm like whoa, Iam filled with compassion right
now and I know that that's thespirit of God.
Danilee (10:15):
So that's a body just said whoa, I am filled with
compassion, yeah cause I waslike man.
Pierre (10:20):
What's this I'm feeling?
Danilee (10:21):
And I am the opposite of like.
I'm so overwhelmed, I'm justgetting passionate.
I don't know what to do withmyself.
I'm over here, I'm like man.
Pierre (10:27):
why am I sad for him?
Like?
Why am I sad for him?
Cause I realized it's thespirit of God putting that in me
.
So I'm saying this to say like,I got this engram in front of
me and we used it as a tool.
It's a tool.
It's a tool that understandpsychologically how we function,
because at the end of the daywe said it in the last episode
right On paper someone like me,someone like Daniel Lee actually
(10:49):
we don't mix well, right so butwhen we use these tools to
understand how someone is wired,this helps us.
So, daniel Lee, here she's atwo which, in an engram where we
call it, it's the helper Rightwhich there are some pros and
cons to being a helper.
She scored the highest you said.
Danilee (11:07):
he said the highest he had ever seen, and he follows
that up immediately with.
That is not a good thing.
Pierre (11:13):
Yeah, I'm reading this right now.
So generally, twos are caring,empathetic, they're warm,
they're thoughtful, appreciative, they're generous, they're
other oriented, right, they'retactical, they're affectionate,
they're well-intentioned andthey're demonstrative.
This makes a lot of sense.
Empathetic you felt that forthe kids.
You saw how happy they were,you saw their eyes, you heard
(11:37):
their voice, you saw them perkup and you were thoughtful, you
loved it and you had this ideathat whoa and this, what happens
when you be watching too muchDisney movies, cause you be
watching all these Disney movies, thinking that it's gonna be a
whole new world, it's gonna beall this stuff, and that, matter
of fact, we went in on karaokethe other day.
Y'all we did.
(11:57):
We went in on karaoke.
We'll post a little clip Disneykaraoke.
Like it was.
Yeah, it was wild at first andthen we went Disney and we sang
that whole.
All the guys are singing likeall the guy parts.
The girls are singing all thegirl parts.
It was a really good moment,yeah it sounds so ghetto, but it
was beautiful all at the sametime.
And then twos get intoconflicts by being people
pleasing, flattering right,Clingy, worried, possessive,
(12:22):
insincere, seductive,self-important, self-deceptive.
What was your problem?
Danilee (12:27):
You really have that like I'm clinging to you Cause I
know I have a tendency to be, Iknow I am affectionate, I know
I am like some of those thingsthat you just read, but I never
really thought of myself asclinging.
Pierre (12:43):
It's just you know it's.
I mean, it depends what youconsider clingy.
There's some times I just needmy own space.
Danilee (12:49):
So let's read that.
Pierre (12:50):
I was gonna say I'll start reading number five, but
I'll wait, yeah but so it'sinteresting reading this because
, especially where it says thatempathetic, like you felt that
for the kids, you felt that forkids and the more that I'm
reading here it says, like inrelationships, like it says,
although on the surface twosappear to fill at ease with
others and to be a source ofemotional let's see, I'm kind of
(13:12):
gonna skim through they alsosuffer from hidden feelings or
rejection.
So I don't know if that hadanything to do with it.
Twos expect people to not wantthem around and I don't know if
that has something to do with it.
It's a twos may feel thatothers are not appreciating them
for their efforts, thusrekindling their feelings of
rejection.
Then they may become touchy oreven openly angry, revealing the
(13:37):
extent of the disappointmentthey are hiding.
So I don't really know fully,like in that moment, why I felt
like you came hard for mebecause I was just on the phone.
I got off the phone and you'relike who are you in phone with?
The kids did this, they wantthis.
I don't know what had to dowith rejection.
I don't know what had to dowith you being so thoughtful and
empathetic.
You felt all that and I feltlike I remember thinking like
(13:58):
wait, are the kids the one thatfeel this way or is it you that
feels this way, which we'vedealt with this before in the
past?
Like where there are timeswhere you felt like I was giving
everyone my time, but you, yes,Like you know what I mean.
So, like, what are yourthoughts on that?
And I know you talked about itthe following week in therapy,
Right?
I?
Danilee (14:16):
did.
I took it to Stephen and toldhim like, hey, this really set
me off.
This really like struck a chordwith me, and I do think a lot
of it is knowing whethersometimes we use the term
recently, in the last year, soof a superpower like, oh, that's
your superpower, danily, that'syour superpower, lean into that
.
And so I do think that empathyis part of something that God
(14:41):
has literally gifted me with,and so I just have to keep a
good pulse on whether that giftis being in a healthy manner or
a not so healthy manner.
I also think that some momswould really side with me on
this one and understand where Iwas coming from, of wanting to
fight for my kids and fight foryour attention for them and for
(15:05):
me.
But I do understand that it Ididn't go about it the right way
.
I did get a little bit too likeemotionally driven, like too
quickly, like I jumped too fast,and that's a part of the other
thing of Enneagrams that's beenhelpful is knowing that when I
am a two and I'm unhealthy, I goto this other number I think
(15:28):
it's number eight and they arefighters, and I had shared in
another podcast of how sometimesI'm a 411 girl that feels like
I have to fight all the time.
That was because I spent so muchof my life as an unhealthy two
Two's.
We serve everything with ourwhole heart.
Sometimes you could saysomething that's very like a
(15:48):
blanket statement and we willtake it till it felt like you
just slaughtered me in front ofeveryone.
It feels very personal, and sowhen we feel, when we are in an
unhealthy place, we can lash out, we can be angry, we can be
demonstrative and like want thatattention and fight for that
attention.
And so in that season I think Iwas just an unhealthy two,
(16:13):
lashing out at you, coming foryou and fighting for your
attention.
And I do think that's alsosomething that, as we're in
ministry, just finding thosebalances and lines of like
knowing where our parameters arefor our family and you're very
good about that of like knowinglike when it's family time and
when it's other people time, andlike having those boundaries.
(16:35):
But I think it really just kindof tapped a toe into that as
well.
Pierre (16:39):
Yeah, and in that moment it was tough for me because my
Enneagram, I'm an achiever.
So we're like, we're verystrategic.
Anything that comes out of ourmouth, we've probably processed
it already.
We've put so much thought intoit.
Danilee (16:58):
So when I came for you, you definitely were insulted of
me insulting you.
Pierre (17:06):
Yeah, I did feel insulted because I put thought
into matter of fact.
Your schedule and the nightright, yeah, and I was very
intentional like I'm gonna dropoff the kids today because I
won't be there for bedtime, andit's not because I always miss
bedtime.
It was calculated that tonightwould be a night that I would
miss bedtime.
Danilee (17:26):
Which is like once a week literally.
Pierre (17:28):
Yeah, exactly, it's once a week or so and even though,
although I changed my scheduleand came home early, in my head
I knew I was still missingbedtime.
And so when you came for mesaying like what are you doing
with the kids?
They want you to, and in myhead I'm just like I, it's in
the schedule.
It's so precise and like I'mnot supposed to do bedtime
(17:52):
Strategic, I'm not supposed tobe in there.
That why they first of all, whyare they up right now?
Danilee (17:58):
You know what I mean Like you cannot, you cannot,
You're like no, this was theschedule.
I wasn't doing bedtime.
Why am I getting involved inthis?
Pierre (18:06):
But think about that, babe.
I know that's what I felt inthat moment.
And you know what's crazy toois like, where we've had to
learn y'all in this season isreally maximizing these tools to
understand the behavior.
So I've actually I've gone backseveral times in the past to
read Danieli's personality type,right, because if I could
(18:27):
understand her better then Iknow that I can come alongside
her better as her partner, right, as her husband.
There's been moments, there'sbeen times where we had a
conversation, we were talkingabout this before this and we're
like wait, she'll bring it up.
We had a conversation a coupleweeks ago and Danieli was
stressed out about something andI couldn't tell she was
stressed yet.
Maybe she just had her big, biggirl pants on at that moment.
(18:48):
So we're talking and which,this has happened before.
There's been times Danieli willenter into a topic that she's
actually not mentally ready togo through with it, and because
I'm like an achiever, like let'sgo, let's talk about this,
let's talk about it right now.
I got all my thoughts ready.
I got all my thoughts ready andthen, with the admission, she's
like you know what?
I'm not ready to talk aboutthis and I'm like that is not
what happened, but what I'msaying is like then I'm like
(19:12):
well, let's talk about it.
You're like no, I need time, Ineed process.
A lot going on right now.
I'm stressed out.
I'm like you went five minutesinto this conversation which has
happened before, and then yourealize this is actually a lot
more than I thought, right.
Danilee (19:25):
And I've only grown to be able to verbalize, wait, to
sense it and to verbalize itLike that's so much growth on my
end, because normally I wouldjust let it boil over and I
would probably drop bombs andJesus is working on my life, but
I would probably be sofrustrated screaming at you or
like yelling at you and havingcuss words in my mouth.
(19:48):
But now I've gotten to thepoint where realizing like ooh,
danny Lee, your blood pressureis raising, your body's getting
hot, you're getting flusteredand cuss words are popping in
your mind.
That means like I always thinkof why haven't we talked about
so much Disney today?
But I always think of Jeanniewhen he's like the little bean
he's flying and he's like Mayday, mayday, mayday.
(20:09):
Like I think of that, of like,danny Lee, like raise the flag,
this is the moment to save this.
And so in that moment I did sayI went into the conversation.
I thought it could handle it.
It's getting hot, it's gettingfrustrating, I'm feeling
overwhelmed.
And so I literally said I justneed a minute, I just need a
minute.
Unfortunately, you did not giveme that minute.
Pierre (20:32):
And he said I blacked out.
That's what happened I blackedout.
Danilee (20:36):
He said all right, well , I'm just saying.
And then he continued to sayone more thing until I felt the
overwhelming feeling and I criedbecause of stress.
Pierre (20:46):
I am getting better of recognizing.
I think we're both growingafter doing these exercises.
We're both growing.
She's able to recognize beforeshe actually goes down into a
conversation.
For her to recognize, like youknow what Actually I need to put
my thoughts together.
Now is not the right time.
There's a lot going on.
Can we talk about this later?
And I'm able to recognize thatwhen she's saying that, that's
(21:08):
her saying that I do value thisand I do want to have a good
conversation about this.
And, pierre, you need to chill,relax, even though your process
and you got all your wordstogether.
Be patient and let her prepareherself.
Right.
It's like saying it's like youwant to race somebody by foot
you know what I'm saying?
Or by feet.
Is it feet or foot?
Danilee (21:26):
Foot.
Pierre (21:27):
By foot.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if I trust that.
So, if you want to racesomebody and someone's like man,
I don't know, I got a warm, Igot a stress, and you're all
stretched and warmed up.
You're like no, come on, let'sgo.
Come on, let's go.
Right now I'm all stretched,I'm all warmed up and that's
what's happened before, likewhere I'm, like, I'm all warmed
up.
I got my words together, I gotmy process because, also, you
guys know it's about me.
(21:48):
Like you know, I am part of the5AM club, not all the time.
There's several days throughoutthe week.
You guys like several days.
There's only several days in aweek.
You're like wait a second.
There's several days in a week Idon't wake up at 5AM, but for
the other several days I knowyou're mad, confused I wake up
at 5AM and I gather my thoughtsfor the day.
I think about yesterday, Ithink about today, I think about
(22:10):
the day that's coming, and so Iknow, dan, at least not like
that right.
And so I've grown, in the senseof where I know, to know that
when you are in a place whereyou're not ready to talk about
it, I've grown to pump my brakes, chill, relax, keep my thoughts
to myself, not trigger her,because I know sometimes you can
be led by emotion and you'veknown that before Like where I
(22:32):
would say something and yourealize that, okay, it's not me,
that's the problem, it's howyou heard it, it's how it came
to you.
Now I also need to know like Ihave to watch my words, because
I know that anything that I saycan trigger her in a certain way
, and you know what things tosay to trigger me.
Danilee (22:49):
So let's be, honest.
But even remembering, like someof our old arguments back 10
years ago, five years ago,thinking of how they would just
exacerbate and they would likeelevate, like so quickly, and
thinking about like how I wouldstart arguing on point and
you're like wait, how did weeven get here?
Then we'd get frustrated andI'd walk away, like I'm over
(23:13):
this, I'm done.
I'd walk away.
It would literally take 30minutes an hour and then I'd
come back and be like so whatI'm trying to say, what I was
trying to say, is this.
And you'd be like well, thatmakes so much more sense.
So now realizing like okay, Ibecause I always struggled with
I, have words.
(23:33):
I have actually a lot to say.
Pierre (23:35):
Yeah, but they're not nice words, they're very bad
words.
They're potty mouth words,they're time out words, they're
your bad girl type of words.
Danilee (23:43):
He's still working on me.
Pierre (23:45):
She a bad girl y'all.
Danilee (23:46):
To make me what I wanna be.
Pierre (23:47):
No, you can't sing that song with what I'm implying on,
that's on the work.
Danilee (23:50):
So, anyways, but what I'm saying is that it has been a
learning process and it took mea while at first to realize
like, oh, I can fight and I canuse words and I can raise my
voice, or I could take 10minutes to go sit down and think
about what's frustrating me,and sometimes it's maybe like
talking words to myself and I'dbe like, okay, this is just
(24:11):
really making me mad because hedid this and then he did that,
and then I realized, oh, youdidn't hear me when I said this
and that made me feel veryfrustrated.
Yeah, so that is a lot ofgrowth on our end of our, of our
conversations, of our arguments, and I think that these
enneagrams really have justhelped me be so much more
(24:31):
self-aware.
I feel like I'm a type ofperson I really didn't know a
lot of my behaviors or my ismsor things like that, and so it's
really helped me to lean intomy strengths, which is people
feeling Empathy, things likethat, and it's also made me very
self-aware of like I can bethat person that Puts my whole
(24:51):
self aside and just dumps itinto you.
Yeah, and so fighting for thatto be healthy and to not do that
to an unhealthy point.
There's been so many thingsthat I've learned from just
being breaking down myenneagrams I never even realized
.
My second one is a loyalist, andso that Impacts how my
relationships are, how I couldstick to one thing for a long
(25:13):
time, how I want to work withsomeone for 12 years or whatever
.
Like that loyalist character inme is very strong, and I
actually found out me and my momare the same top two, but
flip-flopped, which was reallycrazy.
I was like, oh, I get a lot ofthose characteristics and isms
from her.
Yeah, so, anyways.
So, but so these have beenreally incredible Tools and so I
(25:36):
just encourage anyone like ifyou know better, you do better,
and so knowing more aboutyourself will really, really
help you be more self-aware, toempower yourself, to know, like,
oh, sometimes I can be reactivein those moments.
Ooh, sometimes that can reallylight a fire in me, and then,
like sharing those isms aboutyourself, like there's one girl
(25:58):
in particular that I worked withat the church and I would tell
her I'd be like, hey, I have aproblem and I can't think of the
answer, but I just need toprocess out loud and I would
just start telling all thethings that I was thinking,
trying to figure out the answer.
Most of the time I'd actuallycome up with the answer myself,
but I couldn't get there unlessit came out of my mouth and she
(26:18):
just knew to respect of like.
No daily Just needs me to hearher process out loud.
And if I processed all the wayout loud and I didn't have an
answer, that was when I reallyneeded her to be there to help
of like.
Okay, I talked to myself throughit.
I didn't get the answer.
What do you think?
Because I trusted her that muchin that space of like.
Yeah, if I can't get the answermyself, I definitely need you
to know the answer.
(26:38):
But just sharing those thingsof you like, even today I told
you I was like I'm not an inwardprocessor, I'm an outward
processor.
I need to talk about thesethings out loud.
Pierre (26:47):
Yeah, she'd be confusing me too sometimes, because I'm
like Lord I hear her talking,but I don't know if she's
talking to me, if she's talkingto you, talking to herself.
Oh, maybe talking to nobodywe're talking to somebody the
other day and they're like yeah,I have no thoughts.
I mean, the person was talkingto me once in lunches.
She was like yeah, I just, Idon't have any thoughts.
Danilee (27:04):
No, she was literally saying she didn't heat.
She doesn't hear a voice in herhead.
Pierre (27:09):
So she has to think a lot.
I was like I think you need toget checked.
Danilee (27:12):
I wish I didn't have the voice in my head.
That would be super helpful.
It's great.
Pierre (27:17):
It's nice Sometimes like it off.
It's nice sometimes listen y'all.
It's so important, man.
I think it's so important forus to be, um well, like
self-aware.
You know what I mean, like DanLee was reading to me earlier
some of my personality types andsome of my behaviors and when
and when I'm Healthy and rightand when and when I'm unhealthy,
and it's so important for us toknow that.
You know, like for me.
You know it's hard for someoneto tell me about myself Because
(27:40):
I'm the person I type that hasdone so much research on myself
so I can tell you my weaknesses.
I could tell, yep, I strugglethere.
You know what I mean.
So how do you tell someone whocan tell themselves that they
struggle, that they'restruggling?
Danilee (27:51):
Because you won't hear it.
Pierre (27:53):
Yeah, and so I've learned like one of the most
humblest things that you couldbe in your life is married.
Right, it's, it's married.
It's the moment you say I'm.
I'm no longer living just formyself, right, I'm living for
someone else.
You know, just being inrelationship, though, with
anybody, whether it's just afriend that you decided to just
go Further along with, like you,you know.
(28:15):
You know, I heard like someonesay there's a big difference
from restoration and fromreconciliation.
Yeah, you know, and Dan Lee andI, like, when we we made each
other at very young ages and youknow the foundation that we had
, it was weak, it was small, itwas fickle, it was nothing, you
know, I mean, but there was onething that we considered to be
true was that God was gonna staythe center and God was gonna be
the main thing of our heartsand because of that, that
(28:37):
allowed us to come to a healthyplace where we can actually
reconcile and restore at thesame time.
You know, I believe inreconciliation.
Reconciliation is not just ussaying like, hey, we want it to
be backed the way it was.
Reconciliation is coming to anew agreement of what it is.
Now you can still shake handsand say, hey, I love you, but we
can't be in business togetheranymore, right, right, like you
(28:59):
guys, like some of us, are goinghard cold, turkey and some
people which we do.
It's important because I'veblocked people on social media
before.
Right, I've straight up blockedpeople on social media before
because it's me having toprotect myself and to protect my
eyes.
You know what I mean.
It's to protect, and you'reprobably not even posting
anything bad, it's just when Isee something, it sparked
something and I don't like whatit does to me.
(29:19):
Now I do realize, you know, I doneed to look into that and see
like, okay, god, what is that inme?
Right, what is that?
And that's happened so manydifferent times, even in our
relationship.
Yeah, where there's times Iwould say something and it would
make Danny Lee feel a certaintype of way and I'm like, okay,
am I wrong or am I right?
Right, you tell me I don't know, but if I'm wrong, I'm sorry
and I'll make the fix.
(29:39):
Now, here's the thing.
Can you say the same thing?
That's when you know you're ina good place in a relationship,
when you've gotten to the pointin your relationship with a
friend, with a spouse, with,with a brother, with a sister,
with a co-worker, where you cansay you know what, if I'm wrong,
then I'm sorry.
I've been in situation.
I'm like man, that's on me.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry andhonestly that's been.
(30:01):
I say that more than anythingnowadays.
It'd be humbling this girl sobad.
Danilee (30:04):
I get some I know sometimes he says it too fast
one I'm like can you just notsay I'm sorry yet, Like we're
not there yet?
Pierre (30:09):
because you got to the point where, just like I just
got to the point in ourrelationship, we're like
nothing's beneath me, where I'mjust like, yeah, like all my
pride has just been literallyjust, which is a big part of
your natural enneagrampersonality type.
Danilee (30:23):
Yeah, pride is a big one with your five, and so I
think that that speaks a lot toyour growth too, of, like you
know what I'm not too prideful,I'm not too like.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, andthere have been times where I'm
like and you are, so thank you.
Pierre (30:37):
Yeah, pride has been.
Pride has been one of thebiggest things that I've dealt
with since I was a child.
Right, it was a thing that, andit's a thing that we all deal
with and, and because of the,the living God living inside of
us, jesus, man, that's been thebiggest thing for us, that every
single day, I wake up and I'mlike God.
Whatever feelings that I'mfeeling, whatever thoughts that
I'm having, if it doesn't comefrom you, I want it out of me,
(30:59):
empty me, clean and dry, andwhatever you want you put that
in me.
You know, what he puts it tothe test is the moment I, I, I
decide to come face to face withmy wife and there's conflict
and we're talking aboutsomething.
And this is the moment whereI'm just like.
You say you don't want to beprideful, right, so be.
Say sorry Sometimes, when youknow you're right, sometimes
when you know you might be theone in the right place.
(31:20):
But I'm gonna say you know what, I'm still sorry for the way I
came at you, even though theinformation I have is right.
Right, maybe I came at you atthe wrong time and for that I'm
sorry.
There's always still somethingthat we can see in our
situations, in our relationships, where we can humble ourselves.
You know what I mean and that'sbeen the biggest thing for us,
as big for me, specificallyright for us to be looking at a
(31:40):
situation To say you know what Idid it today.
I was like I'm sorry, okay, cuzshe came at me hot today.
Y'all I did you, you, you, II'm still keeping count, guys.
I didn't go back to therapybecause she'd be hurting me.
Sometimes she be hurting me.
I'm just like.
I remember today we weretalking, we were prepping for
today's episode to record this,and I brought up something.
(32:00):
He's like we're not gonna dothat.
Oh, we said we.
I was just like whoa and youlike uh-huh, uh-huh.
I was like very I had 911 readyto go.
Danilee (32:08):
That's not true.
He is being so dramatic I had911 ready to go.
Pierre (32:12):
But honestly, y'all this has been.
The coolest thing in the lastcouple of years is to realize,
like man, one of the biggestthings that I wanted out of me
and I am a testimony to say itis gone.
It is pride.
It is pride.
So she may I think she mighteven read some of my personality
types, but some of it I can say, because of the grace of God
working in me, it's been cleanedout.
It's no longer me.
(32:34):
Honestly, if you want to leadsomebody, you lead them from a
very low place.
And when I say low place, I'mnot talking about like you trash
you nothing, right, you knowthis false humility, but I'm
saying from a low place wherenothing is Beneath you.
We need to learn how to lowerourselves and serve other people
and that's what I decided to doin all of my relationships.
My relationship with my wife islike the other day, yesterday,
(32:57):
on Monday.
You call me um and she's likehey, where are you?
I was like I'm at the church.
She's like can you come pick meup?
I was like what happened?
She's like they let.
I locked myself outside thehouse.
I said, all right, okay, comingNow.
Of course I had thoughts, right, I could have huffed, I could
have puffed.
I could have just been sofrustrated.
(33:18):
I could have gave her a lecturelike I'm her dad, which I'm not
your dad, I do not wanna beyour dad.
I pulled up behind her in thecar.
She said that was fast.
My first words that came out inmy mouth was I got you, babe.
Danilee (33:31):
And that like, literally I could cry thinking
about it, like because it wasn'tnecessarily my fault, it was me
and Jordan emptying thegroceries up the stairs.
Like he unlocked the doorbecause he's getting bigger, so
he wants to do more things.
He put my keys on the key hook.
Like he did everything right.
He accidentally locked the knob.
(33:53):
So when I shut the door to godo another load, it was locked
and so I had to go tinkle.
I was frustrated, I had to likenot, like I had to not take it
out on my son because I knew itwas just like a meaningless,
like accident and he did do iton purpose.
It was a mistake and so thencalling you and I was frustrated
(34:14):
and angry and all the thingsand like.
For you to say that to me waslike thank you for being oops, I
just hit the mic.
Thank you for being like myknight in shining armor.
Like thank you for being thatperson to just save the day and
not be mad at me and not take itout on me and be frustrated
that I'm always a damsel orwhatever.
Like thank you for just being.
(34:36):
Like that was honestly, it wasromantic guys.
Like it was so sweet and sokind and I was really grateful
and then you fed me after that,which was even better.
Pierre (34:45):
I did and yeah, and honestly, there's really nothing
to brag about, just simply thefact that I love you and I care
for you and I care for ourrelationship and what we're
doing, what we get to do, andGod has just put on my heart big
time to just walk peoplethrough reconciliation and
(35:06):
restoration in theirrelationships, and I believe
that relationship is one of thebiggest keys to health, mental
health, spiritual health,physical health, everything that
we need.
It's tied to relationships,from our relationship to God and
our relationship to man, peoplethat think they don't need
people in their lives.
So not true, you're not living.
(35:28):
You are not living.
Living was not meant to belived alone, it was in
relationship, and so that's soimportant.
And so that's what I realizedin what we're doing.
I'm like you know what?
Yeah, it was Monday, it's thebusiest day of the week.
You call me.
I was like all right, cool, I'mcoming.
I sped home, I got you, Come onwhere you want to go eat.
Cause I knew in that moment Iwas like I knew it was a simple
(35:51):
mistake and in that moment therewas nothing else you guys
needed to hear.
And then, on top of that,there's the relationship with my
son.
He's watching, he know daddy'scoming home and so what I don't
want is my son to already be onedge and thing like, oh, better
watch out Daddy's coming.
And no, I want him to know thatdaddy came in like a superhero.
Daddy came in like the man andsaved the day, not huffing and
(36:12):
puffing and taking it out on mykids and taking it out on my
wife.
It was a simple mistake.
So this is why we're sharingall this y'all, cause it's so
important for us to know thatrelationships, feedback from our
people, that we're in covenantwith our spouses, our friends,
it's important for us to havefeedback back and forth.
So that's why I know a lotabout her personality and she
(36:34):
knows a lot about my personality, so that we can make
adjustments in each other'slives.
So we could walk this walk andsay, hey, hey, so do you know
what I think that you did?
Here's what it did to me.
Now I know why you did that,because by nature, that's just
who you are.
I just want to make you awarethat these are behaviors that
you're pushing, or these arebehaviors, and so I'm like my
bad.
Sometimes I lose track of that.
(36:55):
Listen, when we make the excuseof saying that's just how I am,
that's just the way I was born.
It's an excuse to not grow.
It's an excuse to not grow up,and it's important for us, y'all
, to understand that this is howwe're going to go further in
this life, man, it's when we'rewalking with each other but
we're holding each otheraccountable.
We talked about this in ourlast episode and this changed
(37:17):
our life and our relationship.
Understanding personality typesright, we'll talk about love
languages another day, becauseDan Lee has all the love
languages.
She's like a puppy.
You guys heard me say that allthe time.
She wants to be pet, she wantsto be rubbed right For a good
girl.
She wants to treat all of it.
She wants words of affirmation.
Danilee (37:35):
I'm like man should I get a wife or a dog?
You got all of the above.
Yeah, that's crazy, but like agolden retriever, yeah, yeah.
But so y'all, we just want toencourage you to know more about
yourself, know about yourchildhood, know about things
that may be wounds, so that youknow like that's a sore point
for me.
I didn't have a goodrelationship with my father and
my mother, so certain aspects ofother relationships can be
(37:58):
sensitive topics to you.
Just being more self-aware justreally allows yourself to be
more kind to yourself honestly,to know those wounds and be like
oh, that's a stuff spot for me.
Just if you know better, you dobetter.
And so by knowing yourselfbetter, knowing the pain points,
knowing those things that aremore sensitive to you if maybe
(38:18):
you had a hard relationship withyour mom or your dad Knowing
those points about yourself sothat when you go into a romantic
relationship you can be like,hey, those things are kind of
those are soft spots for me thatI may sometimes lash out or
react in a weird way becausethose are wounds for me.
So just, the more you knowyourself, the more and then I
(38:40):
love that honestly.
The more you know yourself, themore you can give yourself grace
, the more you can give grace toothers.
I think it's super important.
There's a YouTube channel thatI watch and it's a documentary
type and it's about a lot ofpeople on Skid Row and sometimes
it's just harsh and I askmyself why do I like to watch
this?
But honestly, it really doesallow me to learn how to give
(39:04):
other people grace, how to notjudge other people, or to see
people who have been throughtraumatic childhood or traumatic
events and how they respond.
Then I can identify in someoneelse and be like, ooh, I think
that that's a wound for thatperson.
So let me be a little bit moregracious when I approach them or
when I have to give themfeedback or when I have to
(39:24):
correct them a little bitbecause they were late to
something or whatever.
Knowing and identifying thosebehaviors in other people, it
allows me to be a better friendand be a better person and just
really a better example of thelove of Jesus.
Pierre (39:37):
That's good.
I want to share last story.
This morning I woke up around 5AM and I would love to say I
woke up all peppy and all likeoh wow, god is good.
Listen to the birds chirping,oh my gosh, it's great.
Now I woke up and I just satthere on the bed and I had two
thoughts.
My first thought was man, I'mtired.
(39:59):
My second thought was man, god,you're good.
I got up, went to the restroom,drunk some water, sat on a couch
and in the mornings I wake up,I like to sit there with God and
I'll sit there for a little bitand sometimes I'll listen to
worship music, sometimes I'llread the Bible or like on my
iPad because it's still dark, orI'll just meditate on my
(40:21):
thoughts.
Sometimes it's just quiet.
I'm listening to God.
A few times it's me talking toGod.
But every single morning isdifferent.
Some mornings he gives me rest,sleep.
It's like legit.
I'm like I'm going to sleep andI feel great.
I'm like thank you, god, thatwas still you.
But this morning there was amoment I had so much gratitude
like take over me when I'msitting down on the couch, and
(40:43):
it brought me to tears because Iwas just so thankful and I
realized why am I so thankfulright now?
And I found out what I was sothankful for is because I have
this peace, this peace that's inmy heart, that, like no money
can buy, no man can give it tome, no scientist can break it
down and understand.
But I knew that there was apeace that came over me.
(41:05):
And that wasn't always megrowing up, right?
Because sometimes I get soanalytical my personality I'm
always looking for flaws.
I was looking for situationsand God has really done a big
work in my personality where I'mjust at peace.
I love how everything is liningup in my life and I'd love to
sit here and say everything isperfectly.
I love to see here yeah, weain't got no debt.
No, it's not true.
(41:26):
Yeah, I love to see here likefinances is exactly where we
want it to be.
No, that's not true.
There's still situation.
There's conflicts, there'sdreams that we haven't seen
fulfilled yet, right.
Yeah, there's ideas that wehave not birthed yet.
There's so many differentthings.
There's relationships that arestill out, there to be restored.
And I'm sitting here and I'mthinking like, but God, why am I
just so fine?
And I realized I have peace.
(41:48):
And the peace came after Idecided to stop fighting God and
stop fighting my wife, stopfighting my friends, stop
fighting my peers and accepting.
Okay, these are the things thatGod has put in me.
But, god, what are the thingsthat you want to change?
What are the things that youwant to trade me for?
Right?
And he wants to trade some ofy'all.
He wants to take your angerright and give you happiness,
(42:08):
right.
He wants to take yourdiscomfort and give you peace,
right.
He wants to take your sleeplessnights and give you rest, and
there comes a time where youhave to literally let go of just
who you are and put it in God'shand.
So, for those of you that listento this right now and you're in
this situation, you're like man.
I don't.
I don't know what they're eventalking about.
I'm telling you try Jesus, tryGod.
(42:30):
He will take you, he will shapeyou, he will mold you.
He would take everything thatwas bad about you and turn it to
good.
Everything that about you thatused to be a weapon will be used
as a tool to change people'slives.
Listen, ultimately, it's neverabout you, it's about somebody
else, and that's what I realizedabout my personality this
(42:50):
morning I was having breakfastlike with a guy 5 am.
I woke up 6 am.
I was in the gym 7 30,.
I was taking the kid to school8 o'clock.
I'm sitting having breakfastwith someone.
All throughout the week I'meither having breakfast, lunch,
dinner, something with somebodyelse right, because fellowship
with other people, it's veryedifying to me.
And so I'm sitting with someoneand I was literally telling him
the same exact advice of justlike hey, man, everything about
(43:11):
you.
He said something he was talkingthat day and he said I'm sorry,
bro, that's.
He said, bro, that's one of myweaknesses.
I said hey, don't you ever saythat, ever again.
I said that's one of yourstrengths.
You just have not figured outhow to use it as a tool.
God gave you that.
He gave you as a tool and it'sa gift.
So, danny Lee, she's a helper,it's a gift from God.
(43:33):
The problem is is when we becomeunhealthy, we think it's a
weakness and we use it as aweapon.
And I learned, man, everysingle thing in us that God has
given to us as a gift.
We got to figure out how tobecome healthy, to use it to
where it can edify and helpother people.
And so I'm telling you rightnow, man, if you don't know
where to start, start with Jesus, start with God.
(43:55):
Start with saying Lord, I amnothing, I don't know what else
to do.
I said in the last episode Ijournaled it 2020,.
I said, god, I don't know whatto do, and that's when God was
like.
It sounds like you're callingout to me.
Do you want my help?
Because I realized he's thehelper.
He's the helper, and so that'swhat I wanted to end today's
personality conversation aboutis the person that I am.
(44:15):
I found it in Christ, and whenI found my identity in Christ,
everything else changed.
It was so easy to let go ofpride, anger, resentment,
animosity, bitterness,unforgiveness all of it is
literally gone when I foundmyself in Christ.
So we love you guys.
Let's dig community, hit us up,dm us.
Let's walk this out together.
(44:36):
We want to hear your story, sohit us up send us a message, tag
us in something, tell us whatyou're working on, let us know
where we can pray with you andcome alongside you.
So, if you're already, let'sdig.
So this past summer I had some extra time with the
kids and which was really such ablessing, and I remember one
specific night that you hadworked a little bit later than
normal and I was putting thekids to bed.
Pierre (00:13):
Which side note, I told you I was going to be working
late that day.
Danilee (00:15):
Right, that was part of the plan.
Yes, I know that and is why Iput you don't need to Hold up.
Pierre (00:19):
Here's why I'm telling this side note, because, fellas,
listen, sometimes your girls begetting mad at you.
You know what?
Not even just fellas, everybody.
Sometimes, when people getfrustrated with you, you didn't
communicate with them your plan.
You just assumed that they knewwhat was in your head.
So why feel wasn't mad at mebecause I came home late.
She knew I'd be coming homelate, but you got mad at me.
All right, I'm sorry.
Danilee (00:38):
This is so.
That was for free.
That's what that was.
That was just for free.
Pierre (00:43):
All right, so let's.
I'm going to be doing this forthe rest of the episode.
Every single line.
You say I got something to sayno, all right, go ahead.
Sorry.
Danilee (00:49):
Anyways.
So I'm tucking the kids intobed, we're saying our prayers.
The kids have been asking allnight will daddy be home before
bedtime?
And I said no, he had to work.
That was the plan.
So I was on plan for him towork late and I was doing
bedtime.
It was okay.
And then while I'm praying forthe kids, the door opens, the
(01:12):
front door opens, and daddy'shome.
And the kids start sayingdaddy's home, daddy's here,
daddy's here, daddy's here.
We only have two kids, but theyall said it a bunch of times.
I thought I had four kids.
Pierre (01:21):
That one, I was just like how many people are in this
room?
Danilee (01:25):
They were excited that daddy made it home right before
they fell asleep.
So I was like, okay, relax, allright, in Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, daddy's coming, all right, relax.
Like I'm trying to keep themcalm because if you are a parent
and you come home at bedtime,you know that as soon as your
kids see you, they go throughthe roof.
So I was trying to keep itchill.
I believe you were on the phone.
Pierre (01:48):
I was on the phone and I tried to come in the house
really really secretly, likequietly, because I thought first
of all, it was like after nineso I thought I was outside on my
phone but it was hot, so I waslike let me come inside.
Which we need to get that doorfixed, because that door it was
making it was too many cracksand pops and I tried, I tried to
lift it, I tried to turn itLike, I tried to blow it open,
and while on the phone,whispering, like the guy on the
(02:09):
phone is like bro, where you atyou at the library, I'm like no,
my kids are asleep.
So that's why, because I wasoutside, I'm talking like yeah,
bro, it's crazy and I'm openingthe door.
I'm like, yeah, but yeah, bro,he's like get at the library.
Danilee (02:21):
Guys like why are you whispering?
I'm home.
Pierre (02:22):
And I can hear the kids say yeah, daddy's home, daddy,
can we say daddy?
And I'm like, and I'm talkingsoftly, I'm talking softly, and
I stayed on my phone call untilthe kids stopped calling for me.
Danilee (02:33):
So I kept waiting for him to go into the room to say
good night to the kids, becausehe just happened to make it in
time before the kids were goingto sleep.
But that never happened.
You never came to the room, thekids fell asleep, you stayed on
the phone and I got heated.
I was so mad with you, so angrywith you, and I was mad for my
(02:57):
kids, I was mad for me, I wasmad at you All of the above.
So on this episode, we want totalk about the enneagrams and
how much we've learned fromtherapy, and so in this, in this
instance this was a long timeago In this instance, this was a
lot of what I learned about mypersonality type and some things
(03:20):
that could be strengths andsome things that could be
weaknesses, and so we're goingto really dig into what we've
learned out of the enneagramsand out of our therapy and how
it really impacts our marriageand our relationship with even
other people around us in ourlife.
Right, okay, all right, let'sdig.
Then let's dig.
Pierre (03:39):
Well, first of all, let's tell them why you were mad
at me.
Danilee (03:43):
I was mad at you for never coming to see the kids.
Pierre (03:45):
Which I don't understand why, because the kids already
knew I was going to come.
I wasn't coming home forbedtime, they knew I was working
with that day, okay, but thatwas like the literally the
biggest tease of like daddy'shere, daddy's here, daddy's here
, and then daddy never came.
Danilee (03:59):
That's to me.
Pierre (04:00):
Okay, we'll talk about this another time because we
didn't.
What we didn't talk about iswhy were the kids going bed so
late?
That's not important, that yousee.
That that's why.
That's why, because I walked inknowing that, okay, I know
they're in bed, so that's why Istalled.
But anyways, we'll talk aboutit another time because we got
to figure out bedtime, all right.
But so what I'm saying is I inmy head, the kids knew that I
(04:22):
wasn't coming home that night totuck them in.
They knew that I was going tomake it.
I was not going to make it forbedtime and we had an
understanding.
Even Jordan, that afternoon,like when I saw him, I saw him
that morning and I told him Isaid I'm working late tonight,
son, so daddy's not going to bethere for bedtime, but I'll be
there tomorrow morning to takeyou to childcare, because it was
summertime or something likethat.
And so he knew that he had anunderstanding.
(04:44):
We were with each other thatmorning and that afternoon.
And so even Brooklyn I was withher, took her to daycare, all
that stuff.
So I felt like I was veryintentional of my absence for
that night, for that bedtimemoment.
So when you came out that night.
I didn't care.
I mean, you guys, this, this,this lady right here she came
(05:05):
out, who were you on the phonewith?
And I was like what, who?
I mean, I was like Jake fromState Farm.
Danilee (05:17):
Jake from State Farm.
Pierre (05:18):
Yeah, well, she sounds ugly.
Well, I'm like first of all.
I'm like wait.
I was like what so who are youtalking to?
Like why didn't?
I was like what are you?
What are you?
Danilee (05:27):
talking about.
I was really territorial offeeling like we share you all
the time and once you get in ourhouse, that we shouldn't have
to still share you with otherpeople.
And so I felt like once youcame in the door you were going
to come kiss the kids, goodnight, and you never did, and I
was really mad about.
We shouldn't have to share you,even at home.
Pierre (05:48):
And what did you say on behalf of the kids?
And the reason why I say onbehalf of the kids, because this
is what we're going to talkabout, like a little bit, like
you said, well, the kids feel,or the kids, yeah, the kids were
disappointed.
Danilee (05:57):
The kids were excited to hear you were home and then
then they had to go to sleep andnever got to see you and that's
unfair to them, is what I said.
Pierre (06:04):
And you said that.
I mean you even said that thekids feel like they have to
share you with other people andthat you spend time with other
people and they feel like theynever get you.
And I remember, guys, I was alittle slick that night, I was
like I was like they told youthat Ugh.
Danilee (06:20):
So annoying.
Pierre (06:24):
The kids told I was like disappointed I was like the
boys in third grade.
Danilee (06:27):
I said they're disappointed.
They didn't get to say goodnight to you.
I said they're disappointed.
Pierre (06:32):
Not a word that you learned to my fifth grade.
You're so dumb.
I was like.
I noticed I said this is course, you put the words in his mouth
.
This is not right.
But then I realized I was like,babe, I'll be honest with you,
I don't think the kids feel thatway.
I think you feel that way.
I think you had in your mindwhat you envisioned happening
when I came into the room andyou were upset that I didn't
(06:52):
accomplish what you just thoughtthat I would just do, because
you think it's natural, probablyyour upbringing, probably what
your dad would have done,probably what you just imagined.
Right, it's these things thatyou envisioned for me, your
personality, like you envisionedit for me, and I didn't fulfill
that.
So therefore, I disappointedyou and I felt like you was
projecting on me that moment.
(07:14):
Like you were saying like thekids feel, and I was like, is it
the kids that feel this way oryou feel?
Danilee (07:18):
I mean, we went from level one to 10 in like a minute
, but also yes, I was projectingI was disappointed for them.
I mean, brooklyn was two and ahalf at that point, or three.
I guess she was three already.
But anyways, she was young.
She's just fell sleep.
She's not gonna think nothingdifferent when she sees you in
the morning.
It is what it is, jordan.
(07:39):
I think I was disappointed forhim and you were very defensive
of your relationship with yourchildren and was like I have a
great relationship with my son.
I do actually.
You came so ridiculously hard.
You're like I have a greatrelationship with my son and
you're telling me, because Ididn't kiss him good night
tonight, that that traumatizeshim or that disappoints him,
(08:01):
like you were so headstrongwhich is also part of your
personality and part of yourstruggles of hearing someone
else give you feedback orobservations of your personality
type or things that you may do.
All that to say I wasreflecting, I was projecting,
(08:21):
but that is part of mypersonality type where I'm a
feeler.
I'm an extreme feeler and we'vebeen.
When we did therapy with Steve,we've talked about Steve a lot
here so far.
Steve was our therapist in 2020.
And he had us do theseenneagram assessment tests and I
had never we had done strengthfinders before, and strength
(08:45):
finders was helpful.
I think the biggest takeawayfrom strength finders was just
knowing that your strengths oryour weaknesses, your strengths,
can be used in the balcony orthe basement, and so I still
kind of take that and apply itto my enneagram A little bit of
like certain things that comenatural to me.
So, for those who are familiarwith enneagrams and for those of
(09:06):
you who think that it's demonic, don't come for us, we're good,
but the enneagram I'm a two anda six.
Our therapist said I was thestrongest, highest scoring two
he had ever seen and that thatwasn't a good thing.
Pierre (09:22):
Two is yeah, enneagrams are phenomenal, they're great.
Now let me just say adisclaimer real quick, Like, if
you want to get into personalitytests, those studies, those
type of things, I do encourageit.
It's a really good resource tobring attention to how you're
wired.
Now I will also say this foreveryone that's a believer?
(09:42):
Listen, we are believers inChrist.
If you haven't already learnedthat by us already, we live by
the spirit of God, and living bythe spirit of God tells us that
there's also fruits of thespirit.
So when I became a new personin Jesus, there were natural
temperaments that I had growingup that were modified or that
just went away, or God literallyworked on it.
(10:04):
I know that.
I know those moments.
There's times where I couldn'tfeel compassion or sympathy and
there's times I'm like whoa, Iam filled with compassion right
now and I know that that's thespirit of God.
Danilee (10:15):
So that's a body just said whoa, I am filled with
compassion, yeah cause I waslike man.
Pierre (10:20):
What's this I'm feeling?
Danilee (10:21):
And I am the opposite of like.
I'm so overwhelmed, I'm justgetting passionate.
I don't know what to do withmyself.
I'm over here, I'm like man.
Pierre (10:27):
why am I sad for him?
Like?
Why am I sad for him?
Cause I realized it's thespirit of God putting that in me
.
So I'm saying this to say like,I got this engram in front of
me and we used it as a tool.
It's a tool.
It's a tool that understandpsychologically how we function,
because at the end of the daywe said it in the last episode
right On paper someone like me,someone like Daniel Lee actually
(10:49):
we don't mix well, right so butwhen we use these tools to
understand how someone is wired,this helps us.
So, daniel Lee, here she's atwo which, in an engram where we
call it, it's the helper Rightwhich there are some pros and
cons to being a helper.
She scored the highest you said.
Danilee (11:07):
he said the highest he had ever seen, and he follows
that up immediately with.
That is not a good thing.
Pierre (11:13):
Yeah, I'm reading this right now.
So generally, twos are caring,empathetic, they're warm,
they're thoughtful, appreciative, they're generous, they're
other oriented, right, they'retactical, they're affectionate,
they're well-intentioned andthey're demonstrative.
This makes a lot of sense.
Empathetic you felt that forthe kids.
You saw how happy they were,you saw their eyes, you heard
(11:37):
their voice, you saw them perkup and you were thoughtful, you
loved it and you had this ideathat whoa and this, what happens
when you be watching too muchDisney movies, cause you be
watching all these Disney movies, thinking that it's gonna be a
whole new world, it's gonna beall this stuff, and that, matter
of fact, we went in on karaokethe other day.
Y'all we did.
(11:57):
We went in on karaoke.
We'll post a little clip Disneykaraoke.
Like it was.
Yeah, it was wild at first andthen we went Disney and we sang
that whole.
All the guys are singing likeall the guy parts.
The girls are singing all thegirl parts.
It was a really good moment,yeah it sounds so ghetto, but it
was beautiful all at the sametime.
And then twos get intoconflicts by being people
pleasing, flattering right,Clingy, worried, possessive,
(12:22):
insincere, seductive,self-important, self-deceptive.
What was your problem?
Danilee (12:27):
You really have that like I'm clinging to you Cause I
know I have a tendency to be, Iknow I am affectionate, I know
I am like some of those thingsthat you just read, but I never
really thought of myself asclinging.
Pierre (12:43):
It's just you know it's.
I mean, it depends what youconsider clingy.
There's some times I just needmy own space.
Danilee (12:49):
So let's read that.
Pierre (12:50):
I was gonna say I'll start reading number five, but
I'll wait, yeah but so it'sinteresting reading this because
, especially where it says thatempathetic, like you felt that
for the kids, you felt that forkids and the more that I'm
reading here it says, like inrelationships, like it says,
although on the surface twosappear to fill at ease with
others and to be a source ofemotional let's see, I'm kind of
(13:12):
gonna skim through they alsosuffer from hidden feelings or
rejection.
So I don't know if that hadanything to do with it.
Twos expect people to not wantthem around and I don't know if
that has something to do with it.
It's a twos may feel thatothers are not appreciating them
for their efforts, thusrekindling their feelings of
rejection.
Then they may become touchy oreven openly angry, revealing the
(13:37):
extent of the disappointmentthey are hiding.
So I don't really know fully,like in that moment, why I felt
like you came hard for mebecause I was just on the phone.
I got off the phone and you'relike who are you in phone with?
The kids did this, they wantthis.
I don't know what had to dowith rejection.
I don't know what had to dowith you being so thoughtful and
empathetic.
You felt all that and I feltlike I remember thinking like
(13:58):
wait, are the kids the one thatfeel this way or is it you that
feels this way, which we'vedealt with this before in the
past?
Like where there are timeswhere you felt like I was giving
everyone my time, but you, yes,Like you know what I mean.
So, like, what are yourthoughts on that?
And I know you talked about itthe following week in therapy,
Right?
I?
Danilee (14:16):
did.
I took it to Stephen and toldhim like, hey, this really set
me off.
This really like struck a chordwith me, and I do think a lot
of it is knowing whethersometimes we use the term
recently, in the last year, soof a superpower like, oh, that's
your superpower, danily, that'syour superpower, lean into that
.
And so I do think that empathyis part of something that God
(14:41):
has literally gifted me with,and so I just have to keep a
good pulse on whether that giftis being in a healthy manner or
a not so healthy manner.
I also think that some momswould really side with me on
this one and understand where Iwas coming from, of wanting to
fight for my kids and fight foryour attention for them and for
(15:05):
me.
But I do understand that it Ididn't go about it the right way
.
I did get a little bit too likeemotionally driven, like too
quickly, like I jumped too fast,and that's a part of the other
thing of Enneagrams that's beenhelpful is knowing that when I
am a two and I'm unhealthy, I goto this other number I think
(15:28):
it's number eight and they arefighters, and I had shared in
another podcast of how sometimesI'm a 411 girl that feels like
I have to fight all the time.
That was because I spent so muchof my life as an unhealthy two
Two's.
We serve everything with ourwhole heart.
Sometimes you could saysomething that's very like a
(15:48):
blanket statement and we willtake it till it felt like you
just slaughtered me in front ofeveryone.
It feels very personal, and sowhen we feel, when we are in an
unhealthy place, we can lash out, we can be angry, we can be
demonstrative and like want thatattention and fight for that
attention.
And so in that season I think Iwas just an unhealthy two,
(16:13):
lashing out at you, coming foryou and fighting for your
attention.
And I do think that's alsosomething that, as we're in
ministry, just finding thosebalances and lines of like
knowing where our parameters arefor our family and you're very
good about that of like knowinglike when it's family time and
when it's other people time, andlike having those boundaries.
(16:35):
But I think it really just kindof tapped a toe into that as
well.
Pierre (16:39):
Yeah, and in that moment it was tough for me because my
Enneagram, I'm an achiever.
So we're like, we're verystrategic.
Anything that comes out of ourmouth, we've probably processed
it already.
We've put so much thought intoit.
Danilee (16:58):
So when I came for you, you definitely were insulted of
me insulting you.
Pierre (17:06):
Yeah, I did feel insulted because I put thought
into matter of fact.
Your schedule and the nightright, yeah, and I was very
intentional like I'm gonna dropoff the kids today because I
won't be there for bedtime, andit's not because I always miss
bedtime.
It was calculated that tonightwould be a night that I would
miss bedtime.
Danilee (17:26):
Which is like once a week literally.
Pierre (17:28):
Yeah, exactly, it's once a week or so and even though,
although I changed my scheduleand came home early, in my head
I knew I was still missingbedtime.
And so when you came for mesaying like what are you doing
with the kids?
They want you to, and in myhead I'm just like I, it's in
the schedule.
It's so precise and like I'mnot supposed to do bedtime
(17:52):
Strategic, I'm not supposed tobe in there.
That why they first of all, whyare they up right now?
Danilee (17:58):
You know what I mean Like you cannot, you cannot,
You're like no, this was theschedule.
I wasn't doing bedtime.
Why am I getting involved inthis?
Pierre (18:06):
But think about that, babe.
I know that's what I felt inthat moment.
And you know what's crazy toois like, where we've had to
learn y'all in this season isreally maximizing these tools to
understand the behavior.
So I've actually I've gone backseveral times in the past to
read Danieli's personality type,right, because if I could
(18:27):
understand her better then Iknow that I can come alongside
her better as her partner, right, as her husband.
There's been moments, there'sbeen times where we had a
conversation, we were talkingabout this before this and we're
like wait, she'll bring it up.
We had a conversation a coupleweeks ago and Danieli was
stressed out about something andI couldn't tell she was
stressed yet.
Maybe she just had her big, biggirl pants on at that moment.
(18:48):
So we're talking and which,this has happened before.
There's been times Danieli willenter into a topic that she's
actually not mentally ready togo through with it, and because
I'm like an achiever, like let'sgo, let's talk about this,
let's talk about it right now.
I got all my thoughts ready.
I got all my thoughts ready andthen, with the admission, she's
like you know what?
I'm not ready to talk aboutthis and I'm like that is not
what happened, but what I'msaying is like then I'm like
(19:12):
well, let's talk about it.
You're like no, I need time, Ineed process.
A lot going on right now.
I'm stressed out.
I'm like you went five minutesinto this conversation which has
happened before, and then yourealize this is actually a lot
more than I thought, right.
Danilee (19:25):
And I've only grown to be able to verbalize, wait, to
sense it and to verbalize itLike that's so much growth on my
end, because normally I wouldjust let it boil over and I
would probably drop bombs andJesus is working on my life, but
I would probably be sofrustrated screaming at you or
like yelling at you and havingcuss words in my mouth.
(19:48):
But now I've gotten to thepoint where realizing like ooh,
danny Lee, your blood pressureis raising, your body's getting
hot, you're getting flusteredand cuss words are popping in
your mind.
That means like I always thinkof why haven't we talked about
so much Disney today?
But I always think of Jeanniewhen he's like the little bean
he's flying and he's like Mayday, mayday, mayday.
(20:09):
Like I think of that, of like,danny Lee, like raise the flag,
this is the moment to save this.
And so in that moment I did sayI went into the conversation.
I thought it could handle it.
It's getting hot, it's gettingfrustrating, I'm feeling
overwhelmed.
And so I literally said I justneed a minute, I just need a
minute.
Unfortunately, you did not giveme that minute.
Pierre (20:32):
And he said I blacked out.
That's what happened I blackedout.
Danilee (20:36):
He said all right, well , I'm just saying.
And then he continued to sayone more thing until I felt the
overwhelming feeling and I criedbecause of stress.
Pierre (20:46):
I am getting better of recognizing.
I think we're both growingafter doing these exercises.
We're both growing.
She's able to recognize beforeshe actually goes down into a
conversation.
For her to recognize, like youknow what Actually I need to put
my thoughts together.
Now is not the right time.
There's a lot going on.
Can we talk about this later?
And I'm able to recognize thatwhen she's saying that, that's
(21:08):
her saying that I do value thisand I do want to have a good
conversation about this.
And, pierre, you need to chill,relax, even though your process
and you got all your wordstogether.
Be patient and let her prepareherself.
Right.
It's like saying it's like youwant to race somebody by foot
you know what I'm saying?
Or by feet.
Is it feet or foot?
Danilee (21:26):
Foot.
Pierre (21:27):
By foot.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if I trust that.
So, if you want to racesomebody and someone's like man,
I don't know, I got a warm, Igot a stress, and you're all
stretched and warmed up.
You're like no, come on, let'sgo.
Come on, let's go.
Right now I'm all stretched,I'm all warmed up and that's
what's happened before, likewhere I'm, like, I'm all warmed
up.
I got my words together, I gotmy process because, also, you
guys know it's about me.
(21:48):
Like you know, I am part of the5AM club, not all the time.
There's several days throughoutthe week.
You guys like several days.
There's only several days in aweek.
You're like wait a second.
There's several days in a week Idon't wake up at 5AM, but for
the other several days I knowyou're mad, confused I wake up
at 5AM and I gather my thoughtsfor the day.
I think about yesterday, Ithink about today, I think about
(22:10):
the day that's coming, and so Iknow, dan, at least not like
that right.
And so I've grown, in the senseof where I know, to know that
when you are in a place whereyou're not ready to talk about
it, I've grown to pump my brakes, chill, relax, keep my thoughts
to myself, not trigger her,because I know sometimes you can
be led by emotion and you'veknown that before Like where I
(22:32):
would say something and yourealize that, okay, it's not me,
that's the problem, it's howyou heard it, it's how it came
to you.
Now I also need to know like Ihave to watch my words, because
I know that anything that I saycan trigger her in a certain way
, and you know what things tosay to trigger me.
Danilee (22:49):
So let's be, honest.
But even remembering, like someof our old arguments back 10
years ago, five years ago,thinking of how they would just
exacerbate and they would likeelevate, like so quickly, and
thinking about like how I wouldstart arguing on point and
you're like wait, how did weeven get here?
Then we'd get frustrated andI'd walk away, like I'm over
(23:13):
this, I'm done.
I'd walk away.
It would literally take 30minutes an hour and then I'd
come back and be like so whatI'm trying to say, what I was
trying to say, is this.
And you'd be like well, thatmakes so much more sense.
So now realizing like okay, Ibecause I always struggled with
I, have words.
(23:33):
I have actually a lot to say.
Pierre (23:35):
Yeah, but they're not nice words, they're very bad
words.
They're potty mouth words,they're time out words, they're
your bad girl type of words.
Danilee (23:43):
He's still working on me.
Pierre (23:45):
She a bad girl y'all.
Danilee (23:46):
To make me what I wanna be.
Pierre (23:47):
No, you can't sing that song with what I'm implying on,
that's on the work.
Danilee (23:50):
So, anyways, but what I'm saying is that it has been a
learning process and it took mea while at first to realize
like, oh, I can fight and I canuse words and I can raise my
voice, or I could take 10minutes to go sit down and think
about what's frustrating me,and sometimes it's maybe like
talking words to myself and I'dbe like, okay, this is just
(24:11):
really making me mad because hedid this and then he did that,
and then I realized, oh, youdidn't hear me when I said this
and that made me feel veryfrustrated.
Yeah, so that is a lot ofgrowth on our end of our, of our
conversations, of our arguments, and I think that these
enneagrams really have justhelped me be so much more
(24:31):
self-aware.
I feel like I'm a type ofperson I really didn't know a
lot of my behaviors or my ismsor things like that, and so it's
really helped me to lean intomy strengths, which is people
feeling Empathy, things likethat, and it's also made me very
self-aware of like I can bethat person that Puts my whole
(24:51):
self aside and just dumps itinto you.
Yeah, and so fighting for thatto be healthy and to not do that
to an unhealthy point.
There's been so many thingsthat I've learned from just
being breaking down myenneagrams I never even realized
.
My second one is a loyalist, andso that Impacts how my
relationships are, how I couldstick to one thing for a long
(25:13):
time, how I want to work withsomeone for 12 years or whatever
.
Like that loyalist character inme is very strong, and I
actually found out me and my momare the same top two, but
flip-flopped, which was reallycrazy.
I was like, oh, I get a lot ofthose characteristics and isms
from her.
Yeah, so, anyways.
So, but so these have beenreally incredible Tools and so I
(25:36):
just encourage anyone like ifyou know better, you do better,
and so knowing more aboutyourself will really, really
help you be more self-aware, toempower yourself, to know, like,
oh, sometimes I can be reactivein those moments.
Ooh, sometimes that can reallylight a fire in me, and then,
like sharing those isms aboutyourself, like there's one girl
(25:58):
in particular that I worked withat the church and I would tell
her I'd be like, hey, I have aproblem and I can't think of the
answer, but I just need toprocess out loud and I would
just start telling all thethings that I was thinking,
trying to figure out the answer.
Most of the time I'd actuallycome up with the answer myself,
but I couldn't get there unlessit came out of my mouth and she
(26:18):
just knew to respect of like.
No daily Just needs me to hearher process out loud.
And if I processed all the wayout loud and I didn't have an
answer, that was when I reallyneeded her to be there to help
of like.
Okay, I talked to myself throughit.
I didn't get the answer.
What do you think?
Because I trusted her that muchin that space of like.
Yeah, if I can't get the answermyself, I definitely need you
to know the answer.
(26:38):
But just sharing those thingsof you like, even today I told
you I was like I'm not an inwardprocessor, I'm an outward
processor.
I need to talk about thesethings out loud.
Pierre (26:47):
Yeah, she'd be confusing me too sometimes, because I'm
like Lord I hear her talking,but I don't know if she's
talking to me, if she's talkingto you, talking to herself.
Oh, maybe talking to nobodywe're talking to somebody the
other day and they're like yeah,I have no thoughts.
I mean, the person was talkingto me once in lunches.
She was like yeah, I just, Idon't have any thoughts.
Danilee (27:04):
No, she was literally saying she didn't heat.
She doesn't hear a voice in herhead.
Pierre (27:09):
So she has to think a lot.
I was like I think you need toget checked.
Danilee (27:12):
I wish I didn't have the voice in my head.
That would be super helpful.
It's great.
Pierre (27:17):
It's nice Sometimes like it off.
It's nice sometimes listen y'all.
It's so important, man.
I think it's so important forus to be, um well, like
self-aware.
You know what I mean, like DanLee was reading to me earlier
some of my personality types andsome of my behaviors and when
and when I'm Healthy and rightand when and when I'm unhealthy,
and it's so important for us toknow that.
You know, like for me.
You know it's hard for someoneto tell me about myself Because
(27:40):
I'm the person I type that hasdone so much research on myself
so I can tell you my weaknesses.
I could tell, yep, I strugglethere.
You know what I mean.
So how do you tell someone whocan tell themselves that they
struggle, that they'restruggling?
Danilee (27:51):
Because you won't hear it.
Pierre (27:53):
Yeah, and so I've learned like one of the most
humblest things that you couldbe in your life is married.
Right, it's, it's married.
It's the moment you say I'm.
I'm no longer living just formyself, right, I'm living for
someone else.
You know, just being inrelationship, though, with
anybody, whether it's just afriend that you decided to just
go Further along with, like you,you know.
(28:15):
You know, I heard like someonesay there's a big difference
from restoration and fromreconciliation.
Yeah, you know, and Dan Lee andI, like, when we we made each
other at very young ages and youknow the foundation that we had
, it was weak, it was small, itwas fickle, it was nothing, you
know, I mean, but there was onething that we considered to be
true was that God was gonna staythe center and God was gonna be
the main thing of our heartsand because of that, that
(28:37):
allowed us to come to a healthyplace where we can actually
reconcile and restore at thesame time.
You know, I believe inreconciliation.
Reconciliation is not just ussaying like, hey, we want it to
be backed the way it was.
Reconciliation is coming to anew agreement of what it is.
Now you can still shake handsand say, hey, I love you, but we
can't be in business togetheranymore, right, right, like you
(28:59):
guys, like some of us, are goinghard cold, turkey and some
people which we do.
It's important because I'veblocked people on social media
before.
Right, I've straight up blockedpeople on social media before
because it's me having toprotect myself and to protect my
eyes.
You know what I mean.
It's to protect, and you'reprobably not even posting
anything bad, it's just when Isee something, it sparked
something and I don't like whatit does to me.
(29:19):
Now I do realize, you know, I doneed to look into that and see
like, okay, god, what is that inme?
Right, what is that?
And that's happened so manydifferent times, even in our
relationship.
Yeah, where there's times Iwould say something and it would
make Danny Lee feel a certaintype of way and I'm like, okay,
am I wrong or am I right?
Right, you tell me I don't know, but if I'm wrong, I'm sorry
and I'll make the fix.
(29:39):
Now, here's the thing.
Can you say the same thing?
That's when you know you're ina good place in a relationship,
when you've gotten to the pointin your relationship with a
friend, with a spouse, with,with a brother, with a sister,
with a co-worker, where you cansay you know what, if I'm wrong,
then I'm sorry.
I've been in situation.
I'm like man, that's on me.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry andhonestly that's been.
(30:01):
I say that more than anythingnowadays.
It'd be humbling this girl sobad.
Danilee (30:04):
I get some I know sometimes he says it too fast
one I'm like can you just notsay I'm sorry yet, Like we're
not there yet?
Pierre (30:09):
because you got to the point where, just like I just
got to the point in ourrelationship, we're like
nothing's beneath me, where I'mjust like, yeah, like all my
pride has just been literallyjust, which is a big part of
your natural enneagrampersonality type.
Danilee (30:23):
Yeah, pride is a big one with your five, and so I
think that that speaks a lot toyour growth too, of, like you
know what I'm not too prideful,I'm not too like.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, andthere have been times where I'm
like and you are, so thank you.
Pierre (30:37):
Yeah, pride has been.
Pride has been one of thebiggest things that I've dealt
with since I was a child.
Right, it was a thing that, andit's a thing that we all deal
with and, and because of the,the living God living inside of
us, jesus, man, that's been thebiggest thing for us, that every
single day, I wake up and I'mlike God.
Whatever feelings that I'mfeeling, whatever thoughts that
I'm having, if it doesn't comefrom you, I want it out of me,
(30:59):
empty me, clean and dry, andwhatever you want you put that
in me.
You know, what he puts it tothe test is the moment I, I, I
decide to come face to face withmy wife and there's conflict
and we're talking aboutsomething.
And this is the moment whereI'm just like.
You say you don't want to beprideful, right, so be.
Say sorry Sometimes, when youknow you're right, sometimes
when you know you might be theone in the right place.
(31:20):
But I'm gonna say you know what, I'm still sorry for the way I
came at you, even though theinformation I have is right.
Right, maybe I came at you atthe wrong time and for that I'm
sorry.
There's always still somethingthat we can see in our
situations, in our relationships, where we can humble ourselves.
You know what I mean and that'sbeen the biggest thing for us,
as big for me, specificallyright for us to be looking at a
(31:40):
situation To say you know what Idid it today.
I was like I'm sorry, okay, cuzshe came at me hot today.
Y'all I did you, you, you, II'm still keeping count, guys.
I didn't go back to therapybecause she'd be hurting me.
Sometimes she be hurting me.
I'm just like.
I remember today we weretalking, we were prepping for
today's episode to record this,and I brought up something.
(32:00):
He's like we're not gonna dothat.
Oh, we said we.
I was just like whoa and youlike uh-huh, uh-huh.
I was like very I had 911 readyto go.
Danilee (32:08):
That's not true.
He is being so dramatic I had911 ready to go.
Pierre (32:12):
But honestly, y'all this has been.
The coolest thing in the lastcouple of years is to realize,
like man, one of the biggestthings that I wanted out of me
and I am a testimony to say itis gone.
It is pride.
It is pride.
So she may I think she mighteven read some of my personality
types, but some of it I can say, because of the grace of God
working in me, it's been cleanedout.
It's no longer me.
(32:34):
Honestly, if you want to leadsomebody, you lead them from a
very low place.
And when I say low place, I'mnot talking about like you trash
you nothing, right, you knowthis false humility, but I'm
saying from a low place wherenothing is Beneath you.
We need to learn how to lowerourselves and serve other people
and that's what I decided to doin all of my relationships.
My relationship with my wife islike the other day, yesterday,
(32:57):
on Monday.
You call me um and she's likehey, where are you?
I was like I'm at the church.
She's like can you come pick meup?
I was like what happened?
She's like they let.
I locked myself outside thehouse.
I said, all right, okay, comingNow.
Of course I had thoughts, right, I could have huffed, I could
have puffed.
I could have just been sofrustrated.
(33:18):
I could have gave her a lecturelike I'm her dad, which I'm not
your dad, I do not wanna beyour dad.
I pulled up behind her in thecar.
She said that was fast.
My first words that came out inmy mouth was I got you, babe.
Danilee (33:31):
And that like, literally I could cry thinking
about it, like because it wasn'tnecessarily my fault, it was me
and Jordan emptying thegroceries up the stairs.
Like he unlocked the doorbecause he's getting bigger, so
he wants to do more things.
He put my keys on the key hook.
Like he did everything right.
He accidentally locked the knob.
(33:53):
So when I shut the door to godo another load, it was locked
and so I had to go tinkle.
I was frustrated, I had to likenot, like I had to not take it
out on my son because I knew itwas just like a meaningless,
like accident and he did do iton purpose.
It was a mistake and so thencalling you and I was frustrated
(34:14):
and angry and all the thingsand like.
For you to say that to me waslike thank you for being oops, I
just hit the mic.
Thank you for being like myknight in shining armor.
Like thank you for being thatperson to just save the day and
not be mad at me and not take itout on me and be frustrated
that I'm always a damsel orwhatever.
Like thank you for just being.
(34:36):
Like that was honestly, it wasromantic guys.
Like it was so sweet and sokind and I was really grateful
and then you fed me after that,which was even better.
Pierre (34:45):
I did and yeah, and honestly, there's really nothing
to brag about, just simply thefact that I love you and I care
for you and I care for ourrelationship and what we're
doing, what we get to do, andGod has just put on my heart big
time to just walk peoplethrough reconciliation and
(35:06):
restoration in theirrelationships, and I believe
that relationship is one of thebiggest keys to health, mental
health, spiritual health,physical health, everything that
we need.
It's tied to relationships,from our relationship to God and
our relationship to man, peoplethat think they don't need
people in their lives.
So not true, you're not living.
(35:28):
You are not living.
Living was not meant to belived alone, it was in
relationship, and so that's soimportant.
And so that's what I realizedin what we're doing.
I'm like you know what?
Yeah, it was Monday, it's thebusiest day of the week.
You call me.
I was like all right, cool, I'mcoming.
I sped home, I got you, Come onwhere you want to go eat.
Cause I knew in that moment Iwas like I knew it was a simple
(35:51):
mistake and in that moment therewas nothing else you guys
needed to hear.
And then, on top of that,there's the relationship with my
son.
He's watching, he know daddy'scoming home and so what I don't
want is my son to already be onedge and thing like, oh, better
watch out Daddy's coming.
And no, I want him to know thatdaddy came in like a superhero.
Daddy came in like the man andsaved the day, not huffing and
(36:12):
puffing and taking it out on mykids and taking it out on my
wife.
It was a simple mistake.
So this is why we're sharingall this y'all, cause it's so
important for us to know thatrelationships, feedback from our
people, that we're in covenantwith our spouses, our friends,
it's important for us to havefeedback back and forth.
So that's why I know a lotabout her personality and she
(36:34):
knows a lot about my personality, so that we can make
adjustments in each other'slives.
So we could walk this walk andsay, hey, hey, so do you know
what I think that you did?
Here's what it did to me.
Now I know why you did that,because by nature, that's just
who you are.
I just want to make you awarethat these are behaviors that
you're pushing, or these arebehaviors, and so I'm like my
bad.
Sometimes I lose track of that.
(36:55):
Listen, when we make the excuseof saying that's just how I am,
that's just the way I was born.
It's an excuse to not grow.
It's an excuse to not grow up,and it's important for us, y'all
, to understand that this is howwe're going to go further in
this life, man, it's when we'rewalking with each other but
we're holding each otheraccountable.
We talked about this in ourlast episode and this changed
(37:17):
our life and our relationship.
Understanding personality typesright, we'll talk about love
languages another day, becauseDan Lee has all the love
languages.
She's like a puppy.
You guys heard me say that allthe time.
She wants to be pet, she wantsto be rubbed right For a good
girl.
She wants to treat all of it.
She wants words of affirmation.
Danilee (37:35):
I'm like man should I get a wife or a dog?
You got all of the above.
Yeah, that's crazy, but like agolden retriever, yeah, yeah.
But so y'all, we just want toencourage you to know more about
yourself, know about yourchildhood, know about things
that may be wounds, so that youknow like that's a sore point
for me.
I didn't have a goodrelationship with my father and
my mother, so certain aspects ofother relationships can be
(37:58):
sensitive topics to you.
Just being more self-aware justreally allows yourself to be
more kind to yourself honestly,to know those wounds and be like
oh, that's a stuff spot for me.
Just if you know better, you dobetter.
And so by knowing yourselfbetter, knowing the pain points,
knowing those things that aremore sensitive to you if maybe
(38:18):
you had a hard relationship withyour mom or your dad Knowing
those points about yourself sothat when you go into a romantic
relationship you can be like,hey, those things are kind of
those are soft spots for me thatI may sometimes lash out or
react in a weird way becausethose are wounds for me.
So just, the more you knowyourself, the more and then I
(38:40):
love that honestly.
The more you know yourself, themore you can give yourself grace
, the more you can give grace toothers.
I think it's super important.
There's a YouTube channel thatI watch and it's a documentary
type and it's about a lot ofpeople on Skid Row and sometimes
it's just harsh and I askmyself why do I like to watch
this?
But honestly, it really doesallow me to learn how to give
(39:04):
other people grace, how to notjudge other people, or to see
people who have been throughtraumatic childhood or traumatic
events and how they respond.
Then I can identify in someoneelse and be like, ooh, I think
that that's a wound for thatperson.
So let me be a little bit moregracious when I approach them or
when I have to give themfeedback or when I have to
(39:24):
correct them a little bitbecause they were late to
something or whatever.
Knowing and identifying thosebehaviors in other people, it
allows me to be a better friendand be a better person and just
really a better example of thelove of Jesus.
Pierre (39:37):
That's good.
I want to share last story.
This morning I woke up around 5AM and I would love to say I
woke up all peppy and all likeoh wow, god is good.
Listen to the birds chirping,oh my gosh, it's great.
Now I woke up and I just satthere on the bed and I had two
thoughts.
My first thought was man, I'mtired.
(39:59):
My second thought was man, god,you're good.
I got up, went to the restroom,drunk some water, sat on a couch
and in the mornings I wake up,I like to sit there with God and
I'll sit there for a little bitand sometimes I'll listen to
worship music, sometimes I'llread the Bible or like on my
iPad because it's still dark, orI'll just meditate on my
(40:21):
thoughts.
Sometimes it's just quiet.
I'm listening to God.
A few times it's me talking toGod.
But every single morning isdifferent.
Some mornings he gives me rest,sleep.
It's like legit.
I'm like I'm going to sleep andI feel great.
I'm like thank you, god, thatwas still you.
But this morning there was amoment I had so much gratitude
like take over me when I'msitting down on the couch, and
(40:43):
it brought me to tears because Iwas just so thankful and I
realized why am I so thankfulright now?
And I found out what I was sothankful for is because I have
this peace, this peace that's inmy heart, that, like no money
can buy, no man can give it tome, no scientist can break it
down and understand.
But I knew that there was apeace that came over me.
(41:05):
And that wasn't always megrowing up, right?
Because sometimes I get soanalytical my personality I'm
always looking for flaws.
I was looking for situationsand God has really done a big
work in my personality where I'mjust at peace.
I love how everything is liningup in my life and I'd love to
sit here and say everything isperfectly.
I love to see here yeah, weain't got no debt.
No, it's not true.
(41:26):
Yeah, I love to see here likefinances is exactly where we
want it to be.
No, that's not true.
There's still situation.
There's conflicts, there'sdreams that we haven't seen
fulfilled yet, right.
Yeah, there's ideas that wehave not birthed yet.
There's so many differentthings.
There's relationships that arestill out, there to be restored.
And I'm sitting here and I'mthinking like, but God, why am I
just so fine?
And I realized I have peace.
(41:48):
And the peace came after Idecided to stop fighting God and
stop fighting my wife, stopfighting my friends, stop
fighting my peers and accepting.
Okay, these are the things thatGod has put in me.
But, god, what are the thingsthat you want to change?
What are the things that youwant to trade me for?
Right?
And he wants to trade some ofy'all.
He wants to take your angerright and give you happiness,
(42:08):
right.
He wants to take yourdiscomfort and give you peace,
right.
He wants to take your sleeplessnights and give you rest, and
there comes a time where youhave to literally let go of just
who you are and put it in God'shand.
So, for those of you that listento this right now and you're in
this situation, you're like man.
I don't.
I don't know what they're eventalking about.
I'm telling you try Jesus, tryGod.
(42:30):
He will take you, he will shapeyou, he will mold you.
He would take everything thatwas bad about you and turn it to
good.
Everything that about you thatused to be a weapon will be used
as a tool to change people'slives.
Listen, ultimately, it's neverabout you, it's about somebody
else, and that's what I realizedabout my personality this
(42:50):
morning I was having breakfastlike with a guy 5 am.
I woke up 6 am.
I was in the gym 7 30,.
I was taking the kid to school8 o'clock.
I'm sitting having breakfastwith someone.
All throughout the week I'meither having breakfast, lunch,
dinner, something with somebodyelse right, because fellowship
with other people, it's veryedifying to me.
And so I'm sitting with someoneand I was literally telling him
the same exact advice of justlike hey, man, everything about
(43:11):
you.
He said something he was talkingthat day and he said I'm sorry,
bro, that's.
He said, bro, that's one of myweaknesses.
I said hey, don't you ever saythat, ever again.
I said that's one of yourstrengths.
You just have not figured outhow to use it as a tool.
God gave you that.
He gave you as a tool and it'sa gift.
So, danny Lee, she's a helper,it's a gift from God.
(43:33):
The problem is is when we becomeunhealthy, we think it's a
weakness and we use it as aweapon.
And I learned, man, everysingle thing in us that God has
given to us as a gift.
We got to figure out how tobecome healthy, to use it to
where it can edify and helpother people.
And so I'm telling you rightnow, man, if you don't know
where to start, start with Jesus, start with God.
(43:55):
Start with saying Lord, I amnothing, I don't know what else
to do.
I said in the last episode Ijournaled it 2020,.
I said, god, I don't know whatto do, and that's when God was
like.
It sounds like you're callingout to me.
Do you want my help?
Because I realized he's thehelper.
He's the helper, and so that'swhat I wanted to end today's
personality conversation aboutis the person that I am.
(44:15):
I found it in Christ, and whenI found my identity in Christ,
everything else changed.
It was so easy to let go ofpride, anger, resentment,
animosity, bitterness,unforgiveness all of it is
literally gone when I foundmyself in Christ.
So we love you guys.
Let's dig community, hit us up,dm us.
Let's walk this out together.
(44:36):
We want to hear your story, sohit us up send us a message, tag
us in something, tell us whatyou're working on, let us know
where we can pray with you andcome alongside you.
So, if you're already, let'sdig.
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