October 4, 2024 • 38 mins
Imagine navigating a bustling career in finance while cherishing simple joys like flowers and music. This is the life of our inspiring guest, Farah Flisher, from Dubai. Her story is not just about career shifts but is deeply rooted in human connections and cultural diversity. Farah introduces her book, which delves into the complex, cross-continental dynamics of a mother-daughter relationship, and invites us all to pause and breathe, finding peace in the present moment.
When the world feels heavy, grounding ourselves becomes essential. We tackle the emotional weight of global conflicts, exploring how yoga, workouts, and mindful practices can anchor us amidst chaos. Our conversation highlights the importance of inner work and co-regulation, urging listeners to recognize and detach from their emotional 'hooks.' By sharing personal stories and insights from those who have traversed emotional landscapes, we hope to offer solace and understanding for those grappling with intense feelings.
Grief and joy often coexist in unexpected ways. Contemplating loss, we reflect on finding meaning in tragic events, fostering enduring connections with those we've lost, and the personal growth that follows. Our discussion touches on parenting, self-reflection, and the delicate balance of protecting children while allowing them to learn resilience. To wrap up, we encourage spreading the episode's insights, sparking kindness and understanding in wider circles. You're invited to connect with us on social media and explore the services offered on our website, all while being reminded to treat yourself with gentleness.
Connect with Farah Flisher here:
https://www.farahpress.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I'm like I just said the Wednesday.
I'm like I want the weekend.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Um, okay, that's the great thing when you're not live
and you can record and edit andyou can let these fumbles and,
and just you know, have someplayfulness with it.
Welcome to the lift oneselfpodcast, where we break mental
health stigmas throughconversations.
I'm your host, nat Nat, and wedive into topics about trauma
(00:30):
and how it impacts the nervoussystem.
Yet we don't just leave youthere.
We share insights and tools ofself-care, meditation and growth
that help you be curious aboutyour own biology.
Your presence matters.
Please like and subscribe toour podcast.
Help our community grow.
Let's get into this.
(00:50):
Oh, and please remember to bekind to yourself.
Welcome to the Lift One Selfpodcast.
I'm your host, nat Mat, andtoday I have a special guest all
the way from Dubai, and hername is Farah.
Farah, would you be so graciousto let us know who you are, a
little bit about what you bringinto the world and you know what
(01:12):
?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
makes you smile?
That's a lovely question andit's a wide one.
So first of all, thank you forhaving me on your show.
Great to meet you and yourlisteners.
My name is Farah.
As you said, I'm living in Dubaitoday, which will be in the
news for different reasons thanwhat we talk about.
(01:34):
I was born in London, I'm aParsi by faith and I grew up in
India, so I have the perspectiveof a multicultural background,
if you like, and having the sortof comfort that I've acquired
in being able to straddledifferent geographies, different
cultures, different points ofview and accepting that there
(01:56):
are differences in our points ofview based on our own
experiences, our livedexperiences, our conditioning,
our upbringing and various othersort of factors that come into
it.
I have been in finance my wholelife as a career.
I did want to become a doctorwhen I was much younger.
Clearly that is not what wasmeant to be.
(02:17):
So here I am, still in finance.
And what makes me smile?
So many things.
Beautiful flowers I adoreflowers Make me smile.
Being with friends feeding them, I love cooking and baking that
makes me smile.
My children make me smile.
Just natural beauty.
(02:38):
A sunset would make me smile.
So lots of great music, lovemusic.
So lots of different thingsmake me smile and it's those
little things that bring me alot of joy, is the simple
pleasures that I do enjoy, and Idon't know if that's a
perspective with age, but I findthe smaller things the more
(03:00):
real they are.
I feel they touch me in adifferent way.
And what do I bring to theworld?
All of myself?
And a book that I've writtenand I've published and hopefully
we'll touch on it, which talksabout, I guess, just human
relationships.
(03:20):
Really, at the heart of it it'sabout human relationships.
It's about loss, it's about howa mother and a daughter
relationship unfolds overcontinents and geographies and
the challenges and the joys andthe perils of it.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Great.
There's a lot that we're goingto be able to dive into.
Before we do that, would youjoin me in a mindful moment so
that we can ground ourselves inthe breath?
I'd be very happy to Thank youFor the listeners.
As you always hear me say,safety first.
So most people listen to apodcast while driving, so please
(03:57):
don't close your eyes.
Yet the other prompts you'reable to follow with whatever
you're doing.
So Farrah allows you to getcomfortable in your seating and,
if it's safe for you, pleasegently close your eyes and
you're going to begin breathingin and out through your nose and
bringing your awareness towatching your breath go in and
(04:20):
out.
You're not going to try andcontrol your breath.
You're just going to bring theawareness to watching the rhythm
, allowing it to guide you inyour body.
There may be some sensations orfeelings coming up.
It's okay, let them surface.
(04:40):
You're safe to feel.
You're safe to let go.
Surrender the need to control,release the need to resist and
just be, be with your breath,drop deeper into your body.
There may be some thoughts orto-do lists that have come up in
(05:04):
your mind, and that's okay.
Gently bring your awarenessback to your breath, creating
space between the awareness andthe thoughts and dropping deeper
into the body and being withthe breath.
Again, thoughts may have poppedup.
(05:26):
Bring your awareness back toyour breath, beginning again,
creating more space between theawareness and the thoughts and
dropping deeper into the bodyand being with the breath Now,
(05:52):
at your own time and at your ownpace.
You're going to gently openyour eyes while still staying
with the breath.
How's your heart doing?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Heart's good, it's beating the breath.
How's your heart doing?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
heart's good beating.
So you mentioned you know, um,that you're in finances and that
you did want to be a doctorwhen you were younger.
Yet you didn't listen to thattug.
Now, where you are, in thisawareness, does that tug still
pull at you of wanting to be inthat medical field and helping
others?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
I think it wasn't, it was more a question of
circumstances.
So I did try but because I wasborn in India, the whole British
passport not paying taxes theyweren't the grants, it was more
of a financial sort ofcircumstantial situation that I
think maybe restreamed me intofinance and if I'm still there,
(06:47):
you know, 20, 30 years later,maybe that was the path I was
meant to go.
I don't know if I would havebeen great as a doctor because I
find myself becoming verysqueamish around blood and gore,
so I'm not quite sure thatmight've been for me.
But helping others does youknow that, know that does
whether tug, or whether I do itin my day-to-day-to-day try and
(07:11):
look after others.
Or if a friend's in need I'llmake sure I'm there, or whether
I bake my cakes and take it infor my colleagues.
It's kind of like showing mylove and my care in a way.
So I think that's part of mynature, but I'm not quite sure.
The blood and gore.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
So probably worked out for the best yeah, yeah,
that's the thing about the body.
If you are not curious aboutthe biology and what it is and
can release the part of the mindthat makes meaning on things
and just see the factual partand the reality of it, it can be
really challenging to gothrough and experience and
(07:48):
everything else.
I want to ask because you're inDubai right now and we talked
about it a little bit before wewent live how are you tending to
your emotions with the worldcrises and you're very close to
what's going on in Israel andIran right now?
(08:08):
How are you tending to youremotions while holding space for
others that may be directly andsubjectively impacted by that?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
I think just as a general if I'm going through
something, so the energy is alittle bit heavy.
As we spoke about, I willperhaps tend to retreat and be
in my own space and go for yogaclasses or go to the gym or go
to release the energy, if youlike, physically, without
engaging in the discussion, thediscussions around it, because I
(08:45):
I don't feel I am best equippedperhaps to, you know, discuss
it with someone who's moredirectly impacted by it, and yet
you're mindful of everyone'sfeelings around you.
So I just try and keep myenergy super grounded by doing
things that allow me to bealigned in myself, and I find
(09:07):
retreating and just engaging insort of mind-body work for
myself works best for me.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Yeah, I know many people may not realize what
they're feeling inside is thesense of helplessness, and until
you're able to really do yourinner work and really engage
with that, you see howhelplessness sends you in a
reactive mode of trying tocontrol or fix.
Yet if you're able to be inthat space of helplessness, then
(09:36):
you can allow it to transcendand and pass through you so that
you can get a deeper wisdom.
And it sounds like that's theprocess that you have been
engaging in and being aware of.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I think I used to go for counseling quite regularly
when I was going through mydivorce and I remember she said
something to me once that hasstayed with me about if you have
someone who's got hooks in you,it won't serve you to sort of
thrash out or lash out or tryand run from it.
You have to almost stay stillto allow the hooks to come out
(10:12):
of you.
And I find that sort of wisdomthat if I'm in a challenging
situation or anything you know,be it work or personal, I will
ground myself and center myselfand stay still for a minute to
make sense of what's going onbut also whatever is taking a
grip of your emotions, to allowto detach, um, so that it's not
(10:36):
so sort of it doesn't cut sodeep, if you like beautiful
analogy.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
You know the hooks.
Um.
Some may not understand thatperspective.
I know in a Buddhist senseyou'll hear about the hooks and
the arrows and better visuallyunderstand the torment that goes
on inside when you're notreally adjusting to reality,
that you don't know how to feelyour own authentic emotions and
(11:06):
that you're still grasping onthe outside of you for safety,
for soothing, for validation andworth.
That those hooks are that.
No wait, everything is withinmyself.
Yet it's a journey to reconnectinto self and better understand
that.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Correct.
I think we're maybe conditionedwe're brought up that if
something troubles us, we seekexternal comfort or soothing or,
as you say, validation.
And it's been a journey to getto the point where your
instincts might say I want tocall someone or I want to do.
You know, whatever it is to doto try and make you feel better,
but to actually just say no, Ijust need to sit still with
(11:48):
myself to let this pass, justneed to sit still with myself to
let this pass, to then see whatthe landscape holds and then
take your next best action fromthere yeah, and I just want to
be mindful.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
You know Farrah and myself are talking because we've
done inner work.
When you're at the beginning ofthis to, like she mentioned,
she went through to hold a spacewith somebody else so that you
can feel your emotions.
And there's that safety ofco-regulation Because a lot of
us, when we were young, weweren't able to feel our
authentic emotions, so whensadness or anger or fear or
(12:24):
frustration came up, we didn'tknow how to engage, so we
suppressed it.
Yet when you are in front ofsomebody else and you're able to
feel these big emotions andthey're able to be released out
of your body, that's wherethere's the expansion and that
you learn that you can createsafety in your body.
Told them, when they had acertain big emotions, to go to
(12:54):
their room or go in a space anddeal with it on their own they
didn't get that co-regulationthat these emotions are healthy
and they're safe to feel, uh,and they're not a burden on
other people, uh.
So I just want to be mindful ofthat because sometimes some
people can take that and thenthey're not realizing.
Well, some people have used thattool of co-regulation with
others so they can betterunderstand themselves Myself,
(13:15):
even with you, know all of theexperience that I have and the
tools.
There's still sometimes where Ihave big emotions and I have to
speak with somebody.
Yet what they do is listen.
They do is listen.
They don't try to fix so that Ican feel my emotions and not
(13:36):
separate from myself when thosebig emotions or use too much
stoicism by creating apathy andnumbing myself from the emotions
and the sensitivity.
So I always just give a littlebit more depth, because some of
this seems like, oh, we can justdo it, and it's like, well, no,
there's, there was a journey toget here.
Some people, they don't.
Yet you know, when monks andothers speak about you know the
(14:01):
no mind or stillness, it's likeyou got to remember they've been
meditating in in silence for along time so they're able to
respond in these kinds of ways.
When you haven't been able todeal with your biology, it's
very overwhelming to start doingthat journey inwardly and, you
know, connecting back into self.
(14:24):
You mentioned also that youwrote a book, so could you let
us know the title of the book?
And it seems like there's a lotof personal experiences that
you've, you know, handed over toothers.
It's almost like a Kohl's notethat if you want to learn
certain things, read it throughmy journey and apply it.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Absolutely, and I think that was part of the
reason for writing it.
So the book is called Meher andMe.
My mother's name was Meher, soit's about my journey with her,
but primarily it's sort ofpaying homage to her.
So my mom passed away.
She was the victim of a guncrime in the town we grew up in
or I grew up in as did she, tobe fair and it's about her life.
(15:11):
She was a very unconventionalperson, sort of born in a small
town in northern India and livedher life on her terms and
unfortunately was a victim, andvery untimely.
You know, she was very youngand she passed and it was it's
sort of again one of thosesenseless acts that in the
(15:33):
moment, at the time, you can'tfigure out why it's being in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
But that doesn't quiteencapsulate you know what it was
and it takes a long time foryou to get past her passing and
the way she went, to notminimize her being, to, just the
way she went, but then to bringit back to all of who she was,
(15:57):
which I've tried to describe inthe book, and then some of the
tools I've used to deal withthat grief or that journey and
it's been many years now, andnow I can talk about it you,
without the emotional charge,because I've there's that much
time and distance, but also thatmuch healing that's gone into
(16:17):
the process.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I want to ask did you feel anger in any of this
journey?
For sure, I mean there's somuch.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I think it's back to what you were saying when you
feel helpless, when you can't,when you can't explain, when you
can't understand, you can'tcomprehend, so then the rage
sort of rises at thesenselessness of it, at your
impotence of being able toinfluence any part of it, to not
being able to keep her alive,to the system, the justice
(16:52):
system, the people who did it.
There's a lot of anger that youhave to process, to get through,
to get to the point of I don'teven know.
I don't want to use big wordslike forgiveness, but you have
to get to a point of where youare able to handle it and let it
flow, and get to a point ofacceptance that maybe this was
the way it was meant to be, youknow, and it was this brutal or
(17:17):
this violent or this sort of umtragic, for a reason beyond
one's comprehension at the timeand I think you know, sometimes
we use the we, we, I understandour mind wants to make meaning
of everything, yet sometimes weuse the word there was a reason
(17:39):
where it's like well, does ithave to have a reason?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
it's just the as of of the circumstance and we at
times don't know how to acceptreality for the as is of it.
We want to make meaning, tobetter integrate it in.
Yet, you know, senseless murderis like at the beginning of
telling you well, there was areason, you wouldn't have heard
any of this stuff like my mothergone and somebody murdered her,
(18:05):
like what the freak are youtalking about?
and I think sometimes, when wesay there has to be a reason, it
, that's not what faith is likeyou can challenge about.
This isn't what I wanted andstill have the openness of still
continuing on in the journey.
You know, and I think it's justI I struggle with when we want
(18:28):
to make, say that there's areason for it, that it's like,
well, the way that life is.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
There's some things that aren't gonna make sense,
like you can't make, but I thinkbut I think the word reason
perhaps not in the logical sortof sense of it, but maybe more
the master plan that we don'tknow and power back to fate and
destiny, which is also linked tofaith, right that this was
meant to be, for what it was thereality, that it was for a
(18:58):
higher purpose, maybe for myselfor you know anyone impacted by
it or directly linked to it, um,which, again, you know we
wouldn't know, we wouldn'tunderstand or comprehend at the
time.
As you say it makes.
No, you know we wouldn't know,we wouldn't understand or
comprehend at the time.
As you say it makes.
No, you know, nobody would havebeen able to say that and not
get a reaction out of me at thetime.
But I think as time passes, youknow, you not appreciate, but
(19:24):
you kind of accept that that'sthe way it was and you sort of
move past it without.
I think what loss teaches you.
When it's up close and personal, like that is about the
appreciation of life or theappreciation of what we have
here today, and that it doesn'tlast very long, and it makes you
(19:49):
very, very aware of ourinterconnectedness but also how
transient this all is right.
So I think it just gives you aperspective that you can say.
But someone who hasn'texperienced that level of loss
may hear it academically butthey will feel it intuitively
(20:10):
when they've been throughsomething which I wouldn't wish
on anyone.
But I just think it's one ofthose facts of life you
experience as you go throughlife.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
I appreciate you allowing me to, because I have a
friend that her son wasmurdered at 19 on her birthday.
Uh, therefore, you know, whenyou hear reason, yet you will,
because how I tell people it'slike, well, death you cannot
control and every death itripples and it puts an impact on
people beyond what weunderstand.
And so the reasoning, as yousaid, it's not an intellectual,
(20:49):
it's a more deeper understandingof you.
Are in your limited littlestory of how you want it to be
and you have to let go of thatlimited story to be in the
bigger story of understandingthat you're still safe, are
(21:13):
spiritual.
You'll understand that energydoesn't die, it transforms.
In the other side of love.
You're able to feel that energyin that presence.
It's just not in that smallstory of the body, am I um
wording it in a way?
Speaker 1 (21:23):
yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
So means what you just said.
Um, I was listening to deepakchopra and someone asked him
about dying and he said if youcan think of a room and the four
walls of the room and the roofof the room and there's air
inside that room, that's sort ofthe soul and the body, if you
like, and then when you passaway it's like all the walls are
(21:44):
down, the roof's gone and theair is free to sort of mingle
with the rest of the air allaround.
It doesn't mean it's gone, it'sjust not in that container and
it's free and all around.
And I do believe that.
You know.
I do believe there's somethinghigher.
I do believe you know it meansI talk to my mother very
(22:07):
regularly.
You know loud conversations inthe car.
You know when I need just tovent and I will say I miss her,
but I can feel her presence.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Um, when you know there's something critical or
crucial, I do feel her presencecome through yeah, I'm going to
thank you for the deafness,because now when I hear
reasoning I'm going to findsomewhere to communicate,
because I will communicate thedeaf and not being attached and
(22:41):
allowing that process to receive.
I do understand that academicreasoning.
When people hear it it's likeit feels like a real hit that
you're invalidating my, thegrief, that I'm going through
the pain and in that beginningprocess you don't want to hear
any of that Like don't tell meif and especially if you haven't
(23:02):
, you know, done the inner workand been attached to self to
feel that presence.
Yet I thank you for thatbecause now it's giving me a
better way to find language thatdoesn't just hit because, like
you said, reason it's not theintellectual, it goes much more
profound than that.
So holding space for that but Iunderstand that that word makes
(23:27):
it that like invalidatingsomeone's emotions where it's
like I want to bring that in,that you're, it's not one or the
other, it's end in both andmuch more.
So let's go in the profoundaspect of it so you don't have
to shut yourself off from youknow, because once you come into
that space you're able toreconnect with joy.
(23:50):
And I want to ask you how wasthat to allow yourself to feel
joy to come back in.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I don't know if it was so much of a conscious
feeling joy or even a consciousnot feeling joy, but when you're
in the midst of grief and griefis a journey, right, and it
doesn't have to be grief becauseof death, it could be any kind
of grief it's almost like you'reshrouded in a sort of a
(24:19):
grayness, right, and everythingloses color.
You know your taste buds.
You don't taste, you don'tenjoy food.
The things that did give youjoy before no longer give you
joy.
Um, and it takes a long whileand I wouldn't even be able to
put a time and a you know anumber on how long it takes.
(24:41):
But I remember the little bitsof joy that would come through
was baking.
I would go into the kitchen.
My mom used to love to cook.
I loved to cook.
I would go into the kitchen andjust want to create, not so
much that I wanted to eat orfeed myself or anyone, it was
just the need to be busy with myhands.
And I have been told that thenerve ending in your hands help
(25:03):
you process grief.
So whether you garden or paintor knit or stitch or, in my case
, bake, it's helping your, yourhands are being created and the
nerve endings are gettingsoothed in a way, um and I
didn't know this at the time,but that was what I was being
called to do and that would youknow.
When you smell something bakingin the oven, that whiff, that
(25:25):
aroma, that would be, thatlittle glimpse of the spirit
would lift, and then you'd beback in the mind state, or the
mind fog that you were in, and Ithink it's just the days go on
and you carry on, you do yourthe, as I would call it, bau.
You know, I'd still get up, thekids still have to go to school
(25:45):
, I would go to work, still puton your lipstick, you put on
your suit, so you go through themotions, but it takes a long
while to get back to that placeof feeling and being connected
to life.
It's like you're going throughthe motions but you're not, you
know, fully there.
Your mind is almost scanningthe horizon to see, or looking
(26:09):
for a glimpse of the personyou've lost is how I would
describe it.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
You mentioned that you are a parent.
I am a parent.
Do you have?
Speaker 1 (26:20):
a daughter.
I have a daughter and I have ason, a grown up.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Okay.
So for me, the highestspiritual practice you can have
as a parent is learning aboutyourself.
They mirror things to you thatyou may not want to see or feel,
and if you're a warrior, you'llengage in looking into that
mirror rather than smashing itor shutting it down.
How was the relationship withum, your daughter and your son,
(26:49):
and particularly your daughter Idon't know if she has reached
the age that you were when yourmother transitioned- no, she's
not that old yet.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
She's early 20s.
I was in my 30s, um, and Idon't even want to jinx my
relationship with my kids.
But you know, by the grace ofGod, my relationship with my
daughter is great and my son.
But my biggest learning camethrough my son, because we're
such I was going to say we'revery different personalities but
(27:20):
in some ways we're also very,very similar.
We're both very analytical,we're both very, you know the
brain's ticking all the time.
You know the sarcasm as a meansof humor and then sometimes, if
I've had a long day, there's acomplete sense of humor failure,
at which point the sarcasmdoesn't land.
Well, my daughter and I are more, if you like, emotionally heart
(27:44):
connected.
We're both sensitive souls.
I've like, if you do astrology,I'm an earth sign, but I have a
water moon and I'm very myemotional state, which is the
moon, which is hidden.
People may not get thatstraight up, but that's the bit
that I'm very connected to.
Her.
She's's a water sign, my son isair, with an earth rising, so
(28:04):
that blends with me.
But yeah, my biggest challengecame through my son, or my
biggest learnings, if you like,and even today I have to always
remember he thinks differentlyor he responds differently or
his timelines are very different.
If you've done things likeMyers-Briggs, I'm very
(28:25):
judgmental.
I like getting things donereally upfront and don't miss
deadlines, whereas he will workto the wire, he'll get it done.
But it's just a different styleand I have to make peace with
it that it'll get done, but Ijust have to sit on my hands in
the meantime.
So yeah, it's interesting andyou know you learn from them
(28:48):
every day.
I learn from them every day.
But yeah, we're good.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Yeah, yeah.
And the reason why I asked isnot in the that the relationship
would be strayed.
In the that the relationshipwould be um strayed.
It's that the relationship withyourself that they bring up,
like you said, like having tosee that my son does things
totally opposite of mine and myanalytical or judgment or
nervous system wants to pounceand be like just do it.
(29:16):
This way, I can't deal with thepain and the oh my gosh, you
might make a mistake and youknow the overwhelm that happens
in a body for a parent that somedon't even know how to
acknowledge.
Yet you are being aware that,wait, this is a human being with
its own thoughts and processesand learning how to navigate in
(29:36):
life.
And I'm not to project my fearand my wants and wills to make
myself feel soothed in thesafety.
So, and that's warrior work todo, because sometimes we're
great at it and sometimes wefumble and we, we, we drop.
Yet I think what strengthensrelationships between, you know,
(29:57):
parent and child is when we canbe accountable for our mistakes
and acknowledge our stuff thatwe have done, and not just, oh
well, you didn't do it the way,uh, that it was supposed to be.
It's like, no, I gottaacknowledge my emotions and my
humanness and how thisrelationship will overwhelm me.
So thank you for beingtransparent and sharing that,
(30:20):
because, not you know, that'sthe the work of a conscious
parent also, to recognize ourstuff and see that this is a
human being, um, that sometimeswe just don't comprehend.
Yet if we look a lot of times,there's a lot of similarity of
our ourselves in there.
We just don't want to see it.
It's like correct, I don't wantto see that, I don't do that.
(30:43):
And then when you really look,you're like oh, I do, but it
doesn't look kind of the same.
Yet in principle it's the samething.
So I think that is the irony.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
They call me out on a lot of it, so it's good to have
them to check and challenge youas well.
And a term I learned while theywere at school.
One of the teachers said so youhave helicopter moms, but you
also have lawnmower moms, so thelawnmower mom is going out and
sort of mowing down all theweeds before the kids step on
the grass.
And I think I might have beenguilty of that, but I became
(31:19):
super conscious because theyhave to learn from their own
mistakes as well and go throughthe challenges of life, because
life is hard, you know, at thebest of times and they need to
build their own resilience andbe able to figure it out, but
knowing I'm there for them andI've got their back.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
Yeah, yeah, that you know being the lawnmower mom is
very understandable.
It was protection.
You went through deep pain soyou don't want your children to
go through pain like that.
It we protect, not recognizingwell pain is a teacher.
So if they don't learn from notyou know deliberate pain, yet
(32:02):
like pain built in it, you learnhow to navigate this world.
So I think that's where we haveto have the compassion and learn
what was the protection andwhat was the pain and how our
nervous system was wired andwith the parenting, it's being
able to face that fear and allowthere to be a trust in yourself
and in God, allah, universe,whatever name you call higher
(32:25):
source that you know thesechildren were brought forth and
they're tethered to that sameenergy.
But we think it's only us,we're the only people can
protect and it's you know that'sagain depth in spirituality
that you learn that aspect.
I'm mindful of time, so I wantto know a reflective question
(32:46):
from you.
I want to ask you to bring yourawareness right now and to
bring it back to your 18 yearold self, and you have three
words to tell yourself to carryyou through the journey to right
now.
What would those words be?
To carry you through thejourney to right now.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
What would those words be?
I think have faith, believe inyourself.
And you've got this kind oflike almost, because my 18 year
old self was so riddled withself-doubt, very low self-esteem
, I left India, went back toLondon, you know, didn't belong
(33:26):
here, didn't belong there,wanted to be a doctor, ended up
in finance.
So there was so much self-doubtand just inbuilt criticism, you
know, sort of a reel in my head.
So it would definitely be abouthaving faith in myself and
believing in myself and that itwould work out.
And just have the faith.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
So I know the listeners are like okay enough,
nat, nat, can you let us knowwhere we can find Farrah?
So could you let the listenersknow where they can find you,
where they can find the book andany other things that you may
have as offerings.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Thank you.
The book is available online,so your preferred online retail
Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
It's called Mehera and Me Ihave a website which is
farapresscom, and I'm onInstagram at farapress, so I'd
love for your listeners to comeand join the journey and share
their thoughts and feedback onthe book and engaging with them
(34:25):
and interacting with them.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Is there anything that you would like to leave the
listeners?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
So one quote that I read actually recently it's a
book I've read but I saw thequote again and it really sort
of resonates because of what'sgoing on in the world but also
to the journey I've been on, andit's by Arundhati Roy, who
wrote the book called theMinistry of Atmos Happenance.
And there's a quote that saysthere seems to be no hope.
(34:54):
But pretending to be hopeful isthe only grace we have, and
that kind of I love because it'syou have to believe it's going
to get better.
You have to believe there'shope.
You have to dream, you have toenvision a different reality to
wherever you're at if it's notone you want to be in.
(35:16):
And hope really is the gracethat will see you through
Beautifully said.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Thank you for that quote, thank you for this
energetic conversation that wasvery transparent and honest and
I learned a lot in thisconversation.
So I thank you for thatknowledge and wisdom for me to
reflect even deeper of how tohold space and communicate in a
(35:45):
more depth with grief andemotions, and how we hold space
for others and how words canimpact us.
Yet it's taking a moment to gofurther, deeper and for the
listeners, at any point in thisconversation, if something
opened up where you felt therewas an aha or there was a
glimmer, or it felt like, oh,this is my story, reach out to
(36:10):
Farrah, go on her Instagram, goon her webpage, send her an
email.
All her information will be inthe show notes and also, you
know, get the book.
And when you get the book,leave a review.
Those reviews are goldennuggets for others to come into
the journey, to see what ispossible with grief and what the
(36:30):
power of choice is.
Because once you startunderstanding grief and you
understand your emotions, youunderstand there's a choice you
can make and how you're going toshow up.
Is it easy?
No, yet it is simple.
Yet it's not easy to apply Yetwhen you choose how you want to
show up, it makes the world thedifference of how alive you're
(36:50):
going to feel in your every day.
So thank you, farrah, for doingthe alchemy in your life,
taking those impurities andturning them into gold.
Yet not just keeping that goalfor yourself you're sharing it
with others.
So thank you so much for allthat you do and you create in
the world.
It's appreciated.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Thank you so much for having me on the show.
It's been really a pleasuretalking to you Please remember
to be kind to yourself.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
Hey, you made it all the way here.
I appreciate you and your time.
If you found value in thisconversation, please share it
out.
If there was somebody thatpopped into your mind, take
action and share it out withthem.
It possibly may not be themthat will benefit.
It's that they know somebodythat will benefit from listening
(37:37):
to this conversation.
So please take action and shareout the podcast.
So please take action and shareout the podcast.
You can find us on social mediaon Facebook, instagram and
TikTok under Lift One Self, andif you want to inquire about the
work that I do and the servicesthat I provide to people, come
over on my website, come into adiscovery callOneSelfcom.
(38:02):
Until next time, pleaseremember to be kind and gentle
with yourself.
You matter.
I'm like I just said the Wednesday.
I'm like I want the weekend.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Um, okay, that's the great thing when you're not live
and you can record and edit andyou can let these fumbles and,
and just you know, have someplayfulness with it.
Welcome to the lift oneselfpodcast, where we break mental
health stigmas throughconversations.
I'm your host, nat Nat, and wedive into topics about trauma
(00:30):
and how it impacts the nervoussystem.
Yet we don't just leave youthere.
We share insights and tools ofself-care, meditation and growth
that help you be curious aboutyour own biology.
Your presence matters.
Please like and subscribe toour podcast.
Help our community grow.
Let's get into this.
(00:50):
Oh, and please remember to bekind to yourself.
Welcome to the Lift One Selfpodcast.
I'm your host, nat Mat, andtoday I have a special guest all
the way from Dubai, and hername is Farah.
Farah, would you be so graciousto let us know who you are, a
little bit about what you bringinto the world and you know what
(01:12):
?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
makes you smile?
That's a lovely question andit's a wide one.
So first of all, thank you forhaving me on your show.
Great to meet you and yourlisteners.
My name is Farah.
As you said, I'm living in Dubaitoday, which will be in the
news for different reasons thanwhat we talk about.
(01:34):
I was born in London, I'm aParsi by faith and I grew up in
India, so I have the perspectiveof a multicultural background,
if you like, and having the sortof comfort that I've acquired
in being able to straddledifferent geographies, different
cultures, different points ofview and accepting that there
(01:56):
are differences in our points ofview based on our own
experiences, our livedexperiences, our conditioning,
our upbringing and various othersort of factors that come into
it.
I have been in finance my wholelife as a career.
I did want to become a doctorwhen I was much younger.
Clearly that is not what wasmeant to be.
(02:17):
So here I am, still in finance.
And what makes me smile?
So many things.
Beautiful flowers I adoreflowers Make me smile.
Being with friends feeding them, I love cooking and baking that
makes me smile.
My children make me smile.
Just natural beauty.
(02:38):
A sunset would make me smile.
So lots of great music, lovemusic.
So lots of different thingsmake me smile and it's those
little things that bring me alot of joy, is the simple
pleasures that I do enjoy, and Idon't know if that's a
perspective with age, but I findthe smaller things the more
(03:00):
real they are.
I feel they touch me in adifferent way.
And what do I bring to theworld?
All of myself?
And a book that I've writtenand I've published and hopefully
we'll touch on it, which talksabout, I guess, just human
relationships.
(03:20):
Really, at the heart of it it'sabout human relationships.
It's about loss, it's about howa mother and a daughter
relationship unfolds overcontinents and geographies and
the challenges and the joys andthe perils of it.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Great.
There's a lot that we're goingto be able to dive into.
Before we do that, would youjoin me in a mindful moment so
that we can ground ourselves inthe breath?
I'd be very happy to Thank youFor the listeners.
As you always hear me say,safety first.
So most people listen to apodcast while driving, so please
(03:57):
don't close your eyes.
Yet the other prompts you'reable to follow with whatever
you're doing.
So Farrah allows you to getcomfortable in your seating and,
if it's safe for you, pleasegently close your eyes and
you're going to begin breathingin and out through your nose and
bringing your awareness towatching your breath go in and
(04:20):
out.
You're not going to try andcontrol your breath.
You're just going to bring theawareness to watching the rhythm
, allowing it to guide you inyour body.
There may be some sensations orfeelings coming up.
It's okay, let them surface.
(04:40):
You're safe to feel.
You're safe to let go.
Surrender the need to control,release the need to resist and
just be, be with your breath,drop deeper into your body.
There may be some thoughts orto-do lists that have come up in
(05:04):
your mind, and that's okay.
Gently bring your awarenessback to your breath, creating
space between the awareness andthe thoughts and dropping deeper
into the body and being withthe breath.
Again, thoughts may have poppedup.
(05:26):
Bring your awareness back toyour breath, beginning again,
creating more space between theawareness and the thoughts and
dropping deeper into the bodyand being with the breath Now,
(05:52):
at your own time and at your ownpace.
You're going to gently openyour eyes while still staying
with the breath.
How's your heart doing?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Heart's good, it's beating the breath.
How's your heart doing?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
heart's good beating.
So you mentioned you know, um,that you're in finances and that
you did want to be a doctorwhen you were younger.
Yet you didn't listen to thattug.
Now, where you are, in thisawareness, does that tug still
pull at you of wanting to be inthat medical field and helping
others?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
I think it wasn't, it was more a question of
circumstances.
So I did try but because I wasborn in India, the whole British
passport not paying taxes theyweren't the grants, it was more
of a financial sort ofcircumstantial situation that I
think maybe restreamed me intofinance and if I'm still there,
(06:47):
you know, 20, 30 years later,maybe that was the path I was
meant to go.
I don't know if I would havebeen great as a doctor because I
find myself becoming verysqueamish around blood and gore,
so I'm not quite sure thatmight've been for me.
But helping others does youknow that, know that does
whether tug, or whether I do itin my day-to-day-to-day try and
(07:11):
look after others.
Or if a friend's in need I'llmake sure I'm there, or whether
I bake my cakes and take it infor my colleagues.
It's kind of like showing mylove and my care in a way.
So I think that's part of mynature, but I'm not quite sure.
The blood and gore.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
So probably worked out for the best yeah, yeah,
that's the thing about the body.
If you are not curious aboutthe biology and what it is and
can release the part of the mindthat makes meaning on things
and just see the factual partand the reality of it, it can be
really challenging to gothrough and experience and
(07:48):
everything else.
I want to ask because you're inDubai right now and we talked
about it a little bit before wewent live how are you tending to
your emotions with the worldcrises and you're very close to
what's going on in Israel andIran right now?
(08:08):
How are you tending to youremotions while holding space for
others that may be directly andsubjectively impacted by that?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
I think just as a general if I'm going through
something, so the energy is alittle bit heavy.
As we spoke about, I willperhaps tend to retreat and be
in my own space and go for yogaclasses or go to the gym or go
to release the energy, if youlike, physically, without
engaging in the discussion, thediscussions around it, because I
(08:45):
I don't feel I am best equippedperhaps to, you know, discuss
it with someone who's moredirectly impacted by it, and yet
you're mindful of everyone'sfeelings around you.
So I just try and keep myenergy super grounded by doing
things that allow me to bealigned in myself, and I find
(09:07):
retreating and just engaging insort of mind-body work for
myself works best for me.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Yeah, I know many people may not realize what
they're feeling inside is thesense of helplessness, and until
you're able to really do yourinner work and really engage
with that, you see howhelplessness sends you in a
reactive mode of trying tocontrol or fix.
Yet if you're able to be inthat space of helplessness, then
(09:36):
you can allow it to transcendand and pass through you so that
you can get a deeper wisdom.
And it sounds like that's theprocess that you have been
engaging in and being aware of.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I think I used to go for counseling quite regularly
when I was going through mydivorce and I remember she said
something to me once that hasstayed with me about if you have
someone who's got hooks in you,it won't serve you to sort of
thrash out or lash out or tryand run from it.
You have to almost stay stillto allow the hooks to come out
(10:12):
of you.
And I find that sort of wisdomthat if I'm in a challenging
situation or anything you know,be it work or personal, I will
ground myself and center myselfand stay still for a minute to
make sense of what's going onbut also whatever is taking a
grip of your emotions, to allowto detach, um, so that it's not
(10:36):
so sort of it doesn't cut sodeep, if you like beautiful
analogy.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
You know the hooks.
Um.
Some may not understand thatperspective.
I know in a Buddhist senseyou'll hear about the hooks and
the arrows and better visuallyunderstand the torment that goes
on inside when you're notreally adjusting to reality,
that you don't know how to feelyour own authentic emotions and
(11:06):
that you're still grasping onthe outside of you for safety,
for soothing, for validation andworth.
That those hooks are that.
No wait, everything is withinmyself.
Yet it's a journey to reconnectinto self and better understand
that.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Correct.
I think we're maybe conditionedwe're brought up that if
something troubles us, we seekexternal comfort or soothing or,
as you say, validation.
And it's been a journey to getto the point where your
instincts might say I want tocall someone or I want to do.
You know, whatever it is to doto try and make you feel better,
but to actually just say no, Ijust need to sit still with
(11:48):
myself to let this pass, justneed to sit still with myself to
let this pass, to then see whatthe landscape holds and then
take your next best action fromthere yeah, and I just want to
be mindful.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
You know Farrah and myself are talking because we've
done inner work.
When you're at the beginning ofthis to, like she mentioned,
she went through to hold a spacewith somebody else so that you
can feel your emotions.
And there's that safety ofco-regulation Because a lot of
us, when we were young, weweren't able to feel our
authentic emotions, so whensadness or anger or fear or
(12:24):
frustration came up, we didn'tknow how to engage, so we
suppressed it.
Yet when you are in front ofsomebody else and you're able to
feel these big emotions andthey're able to be released out
of your body, that's wherethere's the expansion and that
you learn that you can createsafety in your body.
Told them, when they had acertain big emotions, to go to
(12:54):
their room or go in a space anddeal with it on their own they
didn't get that co-regulationthat these emotions are healthy
and they're safe to feel, uh,and they're not a burden on
other people, uh.
So I just want to be mindful ofthat because sometimes some
people can take that and thenthey're not realizing.
Well, some people have used thattool of co-regulation with
others so they can betterunderstand themselves Myself,
(13:15):
even with you, know all of theexperience that I have and the
tools.
There's still sometimes where Ihave big emotions and I have to
speak with somebody.
Yet what they do is listen.
They do is listen.
They don't try to fix so that Ican feel my emotions and not
(13:36):
separate from myself when thosebig emotions or use too much
stoicism by creating apathy andnumbing myself from the emotions
and the sensitivity.
So I always just give a littlebit more depth, because some of
this seems like, oh, we can justdo it, and it's like, well, no,
there's, there was a journey toget here.
Some people, they don't.
Yet you know, when monks andothers speak about you know the
(14:01):
no mind or stillness, it's likeyou got to remember they've been
meditating in in silence for along time so they're able to
respond in these kinds of ways.
When you haven't been able todeal with your biology, it's
very overwhelming to start doingthat journey inwardly and, you
know, connecting back into self.
(14:24):
You mentioned also that youwrote a book, so could you let
us know the title of the book?
And it seems like there's a lotof personal experiences that
you've, you know, handed over toothers.
It's almost like a Kohl's notethat if you want to learn
certain things, read it throughmy journey and apply it.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Absolutely, and I think that was part of the
reason for writing it.
So the book is called Meher andMe.
My mother's name was Meher, soit's about my journey with her,
but primarily it's sort ofpaying homage to her.
So my mom passed away.
She was the victim of a guncrime in the town we grew up in
or I grew up in as did she, tobe fair and it's about her life.
(15:11):
She was a very unconventionalperson, sort of born in a small
town in northern India and livedher life on her terms and
unfortunately was a victim, andvery untimely.
You know, she was very youngand she passed and it was it's
sort of again one of thosesenseless acts that in the
(15:33):
moment, at the time, you can'tfigure out why it's being in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
But that doesn't quiteencapsulate you know what it was
and it takes a long time foryou to get past her passing and
the way she went, to notminimize her being, to, just the
way she went, but then to bringit back to all of who she was,
(15:57):
which I've tried to describe inthe book, and then some of the
tools I've used to deal withthat grief or that journey and
it's been many years now, andnow I can talk about it you,
without the emotional charge,because I've there's that much
time and distance, but also thatmuch healing that's gone into
(16:17):
the process.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I want to ask did you feel anger in any of this
journey?
For sure, I mean there's somuch.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I think it's back to what you were saying when you
feel helpless, when you can't,when you can't explain, when you
can't understand, you can'tcomprehend, so then the rage
sort of rises at thesenselessness of it, at your
impotence of being able toinfluence any part of it, to not
being able to keep her alive,to the system, the justice
(16:52):
system, the people who did it.
There's a lot of anger that youhave to process, to get through,
to get to the point of I don'teven know.
I don't want to use big wordslike forgiveness, but you have
to get to a point of where youare able to handle it and let it
flow, and get to a point ofacceptance that maybe this was
the way it was meant to be, youknow, and it was this brutal or
(17:17):
this violent or this sort of umtragic, for a reason beyond
one's comprehension at the timeand I think you know, sometimes
we use the we, we, I understandour mind wants to make meaning
of everything, yet sometimes weuse the word there was a reason
(17:39):
where it's like well, does ithave to have a reason?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
it's just the as of of the circumstance and we at
times don't know how to acceptreality for the as is of it.
We want to make meaning, tobetter integrate it in.
Yet, you know, senseless murderis like at the beginning of
telling you well, there was areason, you wouldn't have heard
any of this stuff like my mothergone and somebody murdered her,
(18:05):
like what the freak are youtalking about?
and I think sometimes, when wesay there has to be a reason, it
, that's not what faith is likeyou can challenge about.
This isn't what I wanted andstill have the openness of still
continuing on in the journey.
You know, and I think it's justI I struggle with when we want
(18:28):
to make, say that there's areason for it, that it's like,
well, the way that life is.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
There's some things that aren't gonna make sense,
like you can't make, but I thinkbut I think the word reason
perhaps not in the logical sortof sense of it, but maybe more
the master plan that we don'tknow and power back to fate and
destiny, which is also linked tofaith, right that this was
meant to be, for what it was thereality, that it was for a
(18:58):
higher purpose, maybe for myselfor you know anyone impacted by
it or directly linked to it, um,which, again, you know we
wouldn't know, we wouldn'tunderstand or comprehend at the
time.
As you say it makes.
No, you know we wouldn't know,we wouldn't understand or
comprehend at the time.
As you say it makes.
No, you know, nobody would havebeen able to say that and not
get a reaction out of me at thetime.
But I think as time passes, youknow, you not appreciate, but
(19:24):
you kind of accept that that'sthe way it was and you sort of
move past it without.
I think what loss teaches you.
When it's up close and personal, like that is about the
appreciation of life or theappreciation of what we have
here today, and that it doesn'tlast very long, and it makes you
(19:49):
very, very aware of ourinterconnectedness but also how
transient this all is right.
So I think it just gives you aperspective that you can say.
But someone who hasn'texperienced that level of loss
may hear it academically butthey will feel it intuitively
(20:10):
when they've been throughsomething which I wouldn't wish
on anyone.
But I just think it's one ofthose facts of life you
experience as you go throughlife.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
I appreciate you allowing me to, because I have a
friend that her son wasmurdered at 19 on her birthday.
Uh, therefore, you know, whenyou hear reason, yet you will,
because how I tell people it'slike, well, death you cannot
control and every death itripples and it puts an impact on
people beyond what weunderstand.
And so the reasoning, as yousaid, it's not an intellectual,
(20:49):
it's a more deeper understandingof you.
Are in your limited littlestory of how you want it to be
and you have to let go of thatlimited story to be in the
bigger story of understandingthat you're still safe, are
(21:13):
spiritual.
You'll understand that energydoesn't die, it transforms.
In the other side of love.
You're able to feel that energyin that presence.
It's just not in that smallstory of the body, am I um
wording it in a way?
Speaker 1 (21:23):
yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
So means what you just said.
Um, I was listening to deepakchopra and someone asked him
about dying and he said if youcan think of a room and the four
walls of the room and the roofof the room and there's air
inside that room, that's sort ofthe soul and the body, if you
like, and then when you passaway it's like all the walls are
(21:44):
down, the roof's gone and theair is free to sort of mingle
with the rest of the air allaround.
It doesn't mean it's gone, it'sjust not in that container and
it's free and all around.
And I do believe that.
You know.
I do believe there's somethinghigher.
I do believe you know it meansI talk to my mother very
(22:07):
regularly.
You know loud conversations inthe car.
You know when I need just tovent and I will say I miss her,
but I can feel her presence.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Um, when you know there's something critical or
crucial, I do feel her presencecome through yeah, I'm going to
thank you for the deafness,because now when I hear
reasoning I'm going to findsomewhere to communicate,
because I will communicate thedeaf and not being attached and
(22:41):
allowing that process to receive.
I do understand that academicreasoning.
When people hear it it's likeit feels like a real hit that
you're invalidating my, thegrief, that I'm going through
the pain and in that beginningprocess you don't want to hear
any of that Like don't tell meif and especially if you haven't
(23:02):
, you know, done the inner workand been attached to self to
feel that presence.
Yet I thank you for thatbecause now it's giving me a
better way to find language thatdoesn't just hit because, like
you said, reason it's not theintellectual, it goes much more
profound than that.
So holding space for that but Iunderstand that that word makes
(23:27):
it that like invalidatingsomeone's emotions where it's
like I want to bring that in,that you're, it's not one or the
other, it's end in both andmuch more.
So let's go in the profoundaspect of it so you don't have
to shut yourself off from youknow, because once you come into
that space you're able toreconnect with joy.
(23:50):
And I want to ask you how wasthat to allow yourself to feel
joy to come back in.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I don't know if it was so much of a conscious
feeling joy or even a consciousnot feeling joy, but when you're
in the midst of grief and griefis a journey, right, and it
doesn't have to be grief becauseof death, it could be any kind
of grief it's almost like you'reshrouded in a sort of a
(24:19):
grayness, right, and everythingloses color.
You know your taste buds.
You don't taste, you don'tenjoy food.
The things that did give youjoy before no longer give you
joy.
Um, and it takes a long whileand I wouldn't even be able to
put a time and a you know anumber on how long it takes.
(24:41):
But I remember the little bitsof joy that would come through
was baking.
I would go into the kitchen.
My mom used to love to cook.
I loved to cook.
I would go into the kitchen andjust want to create, not so
much that I wanted to eat orfeed myself or anyone, it was
just the need to be busy with myhands.
And I have been told that thenerve ending in your hands help
(25:03):
you process grief.
So whether you garden or paintor knit or stitch or, in my case
, bake, it's helping your, yourhands are being created and the
nerve endings are gettingsoothed in a way, um and I
didn't know this at the time,but that was what I was being
called to do and that would youknow.
When you smell something bakingin the oven, that whiff, that
(25:25):
aroma, that would be, thatlittle glimpse of the spirit
would lift, and then you'd beback in the mind state, or the
mind fog that you were in, and Ithink it's just the days go on
and you carry on, you do yourthe, as I would call it, bau.
You know, I'd still get up, thekids still have to go to school
(25:45):
, I would go to work, still puton your lipstick, you put on
your suit, so you go through themotions, but it takes a long
while to get back to that placeof feeling and being connected
to life.
It's like you're going throughthe motions but you're not, you
know, fully there.
Your mind is almost scanningthe horizon to see, or looking
(26:09):
for a glimpse of the personyou've lost is how I would
describe it.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
You mentioned that you are a parent.
I am a parent.
Do you have?
Speaker 1 (26:20):
a daughter.
I have a daughter and I have ason, a grown up.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Okay.
So for me, the highestspiritual practice you can have
as a parent is learning aboutyourself.
They mirror things to you thatyou may not want to see or feel,
and if you're a warrior, you'llengage in looking into that
mirror rather than smashing itor shutting it down.
How was the relationship withum, your daughter and your son,
(26:49):
and particularly your daughter Idon't know if she has reached
the age that you were when yourmother transitioned- no, she's
not that old yet.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
She's early 20s.
I was in my 30s, um, and Idon't even want to jinx my
relationship with my kids.
But you know, by the grace ofGod, my relationship with my
daughter is great and my son.
But my biggest learning camethrough my son, because we're
such I was going to say we'revery different personalities but
(27:20):
in some ways we're also very,very similar.
We're both very analytical,we're both very, you know the
brain's ticking all the time.
You know the sarcasm as a meansof humor and then sometimes, if
I've had a long day, there's acomplete sense of humor failure,
at which point the sarcasmdoesn't land.
Well, my daughter and I are more, if you like, emotionally heart
(27:44):
connected.
We're both sensitive souls.
I've like, if you do astrology,I'm an earth sign, but I have a
water moon and I'm very myemotional state, which is the
moon, which is hidden.
People may not get thatstraight up, but that's the bit
that I'm very connected to.
Her.
She's's a water sign, my son isair, with an earth rising, so
(28:04):
that blends with me.
But yeah, my biggest challengecame through my son, or my
biggest learnings, if you like,and even today I have to always
remember he thinks differentlyor he responds differently or
his timelines are very different.
If you've done things likeMyers-Briggs, I'm very
(28:25):
judgmental.
I like getting things donereally upfront and don't miss
deadlines, whereas he will workto the wire, he'll get it done.
But it's just a different styleand I have to make peace with
it that it'll get done, but Ijust have to sit on my hands in
the meantime.
So yeah, it's interesting andyou know you learn from them
(28:48):
every day.
I learn from them every day.
But yeah, we're good.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Yeah, yeah.
And the reason why I asked isnot in the that the relationship
would be strayed.
In the that the relationshipwould be um strayed.
It's that the relationship withyourself that they bring up,
like you said, like having tosee that my son does things
totally opposite of mine and myanalytical or judgment or
nervous system wants to pounceand be like just do it.
(29:16):
This way, I can't deal with thepain and the oh my gosh, you
might make a mistake and youknow the overwhelm that happens
in a body for a parent that somedon't even know how to
acknowledge.
Yet you are being aware that,wait, this is a human being with
its own thoughts and processesand learning how to navigate in
(29:36):
life.
And I'm not to project my fearand my wants and wills to make
myself feel soothed in thesafety.
So, and that's warrior work todo, because sometimes we're
great at it and sometimes wefumble and we, we, we drop.
Yet I think what strengthensrelationships between, you know,
(29:57):
parent and child is when we canbe accountable for our mistakes
and acknowledge our stuff thatwe have done, and not just, oh
well, you didn't do it the way,uh, that it was supposed to be.
It's like, no, I gottaacknowledge my emotions and my
humanness and how thisrelationship will overwhelm me.
So thank you for beingtransparent and sharing that,
(30:20):
because, not you know, that'sthe the work of a conscious
parent also, to recognize ourstuff and see that this is a
human being, um, that sometimeswe just don't comprehend.
Yet if we look a lot of times,there's a lot of similarity of
our ourselves in there.
We just don't want to see it.
It's like correct, I don't wantto see that, I don't do that.
(30:43):
And then when you really look,you're like oh, I do, but it
doesn't look kind of the same.
Yet in principle it's the samething.
So I think that is the irony.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
They call me out on a lot of it, so it's good to have
them to check and challenge youas well.
And a term I learned while theywere at school.
One of the teachers said so youhave helicopter moms, but you
also have lawnmower moms, so thelawnmower mom is going out and
sort of mowing down all theweeds before the kids step on
the grass.
And I think I might have beenguilty of that, but I became
(31:19):
super conscious because theyhave to learn from their own
mistakes as well and go throughthe challenges of life, because
life is hard, you know, at thebest of times and they need to
build their own resilience andbe able to figure it out, but
knowing I'm there for them andI've got their back.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
Yeah, yeah, that you know being the lawnmower mom is
very understandable.
It was protection.
You went through deep pain soyou don't want your children to
go through pain like that.
It we protect, not recognizingwell pain is a teacher.
So if they don't learn from notyou know deliberate pain, yet
(32:02):
like pain built in it, you learnhow to navigate this world.
So I think that's where we haveto have the compassion and learn
what was the protection andwhat was the pain and how our
nervous system was wired andwith the parenting, it's being
able to face that fear and allowthere to be a trust in yourself
and in God, allah, universe,whatever name you call higher
(32:25):
source that you know thesechildren were brought forth and
they're tethered to that sameenergy.
But we think it's only us,we're the only people can
protect and it's you know that'sagain depth in spirituality
that you learn that aspect.
I'm mindful of time, so I wantto know a reflective question
(32:46):
from you.
I want to ask you to bring yourawareness right now and to
bring it back to your 18 yearold self, and you have three
words to tell yourself to carryyou through the journey to right
now.
What would those words be?
To carry you through thejourney to right now.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
What would those words be?
I think have faith, believe inyourself.
And you've got this kind oflike almost, because my 18 year
old self was so riddled withself-doubt, very low self-esteem
, I left India, went back toLondon, you know, didn't belong
(33:26):
here, didn't belong there,wanted to be a doctor, ended up
in finance.
So there was so much self-doubtand just inbuilt criticism, you
know, sort of a reel in my head.
So it would definitely be abouthaving faith in myself and
believing in myself and that itwould work out.
And just have the faith.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
So I know the listeners are like okay enough,
nat, nat, can you let us knowwhere we can find Farrah?
So could you let the listenersknow where they can find you,
where they can find the book andany other things that you may
have as offerings.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Thank you.
The book is available online,so your preferred online retail
Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
It's called Mehera and Me Ihave a website which is
farapresscom, and I'm onInstagram at farapress, so I'd
love for your listeners to comeand join the journey and share
their thoughts and feedback onthe book and engaging with them
(34:25):
and interacting with them.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Is there anything that you would like to leave the
listeners?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
So one quote that I read actually recently it's a
book I've read but I saw thequote again and it really sort
of resonates because of what'sgoing on in the world but also
to the journey I've been on, andit's by Arundhati Roy, who
wrote the book called theMinistry of Atmos Happenance.
And there's a quote that saysthere seems to be no hope.
(34:54):
But pretending to be hopeful isthe only grace we have, and
that kind of I love because it'syou have to believe it's going
to get better.
You have to believe there'shope.
You have to dream, you have toenvision a different reality to
wherever you're at if it's notone you want to be in.
(35:16):
And hope really is the gracethat will see you through
Beautifully said.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Thank you for that quote, thank you for this
energetic conversation that wasvery transparent and honest and
I learned a lot in thisconversation.
So I thank you for thatknowledge and wisdom for me to
reflect even deeper of how tohold space and communicate in a
(35:45):
more depth with grief andemotions, and how we hold space
for others and how words canimpact us.
Yet it's taking a moment to gofurther, deeper and for the
listeners, at any point in thisconversation, if something
opened up where you felt therewas an aha or there was a
glimmer, or it felt like, oh,this is my story, reach out to
(36:10):
Farrah, go on her Instagram, goon her webpage, send her an
email.
All her information will be inthe show notes and also, you
know, get the book.
And when you get the book,leave a review.
Those reviews are goldennuggets for others to come into
the journey, to see what ispossible with grief and what the
(36:30):
power of choice is.
Because once you startunderstanding grief and you
understand your emotions, youunderstand there's a choice you
can make and how you're going toshow up.
Is it easy?
No, yet it is simple.
Yet it's not easy to apply Yetwhen you choose how you want to
show up, it makes the world thedifference of how alive you're
(36:50):
going to feel in your every day.
So thank you, farrah, for doingthe alchemy in your life,
taking those impurities andturning them into gold.
Yet not just keeping that goalfor yourself you're sharing it
with others.
So thank you so much for allthat you do and you create in
the world.
It's appreciated.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Thank you so much for having me on the show.
It's been really a pleasuretalking to you Please remember
to be kind to yourself.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
Hey, you made it all the way here.
I appreciate you and your time.
If you found value in thisconversation, please share it
out.
If there was somebody thatpopped into your mind, take
action and share it out withthem.
It possibly may not be themthat will benefit.
It's that they know somebodythat will benefit from listening
(37:37):
to this conversation.
So please take action and shareout the podcast.
So please take action and shareout the podcast.
You can find us on social mediaon Facebook, instagram and
TikTok under Lift One Self, andif you want to inquire about the
work that I do and the servicesthat I provide to people, come
over on my website, come into adiscovery callOneSelfcom.
(38:02):
Until next time, pleaseremember to be kind and gentle
with yourself.
You matter.
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