November 17, 2024 • 49 mins
Ryan McCarthy, host of the OneTalk Podcast, shares his journey from addiction and anxiety to becoming a leading voice in mental health and personal growth. In this powerful episode, we explore the pivotal moments that shaped his life and the lessons he’s learned along the way.
Takeaways:
- How vulnerability and storytelling can create meaningful change.
- The key daily practices to build resilience and improve mental health.
- Why shifting your mindset is the first step toward overcoming any challenge.
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Do Something Today To Be Better For Tomorrow
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lachlan Stuart (00:00):
Welcome back to the man that Can with Lachlan
Stuart.
Today I'm joined with RyanMcCarthy, host of One Talk
Podcast, which is how we firstconnected.
A number of years ago, I was aguest on Ryan's show and over
the last couple of years I'vewatched you continue to grow in
leaps and bounds and really havea huge impact in the mental
(00:20):
health space, but just forpeople the way that you bring
communities together and yourpassion to help people maximize
their life through learningabout health, business, mental
health and relationships.
And I'm very excited to have aconversation with you today just
to learn more about how you gothere and the direction that
you're going in.
But I wanted to, I guess,before we dive into your story,
(00:42):
ryan, and learn a lot more aboutyou.
Your personal story is soimpactful.
I read a lot of your posts andhave listened to a number of
your episodes, but what's a partof your journey that you don't
often get to share that you feelis essential to understanding
how you got here today?
Ryan McCarthy (01:02):
Well, I just want to start with thanks as well
for having me on Lachlan.
It's been a pleasure to connecta couple of years ago doing the
podcast when you came on theone talk, and I'm a big fan of
your work, really keen to get intoday's episode and I guess on
the back end of that question Ithink I was trying to buy myself
some time because that's areally it's a really good
question that you asked there,because I haven't thought too
much about specific details thatI haven't shared before about
(01:24):
my story.
But the first thing that didcome up was tackling loneliness
and the feeling of loneliness,and that's something that I
don't believe I have touched ondeeply when I have been sharing
my story on my own podcast andother podcasts, and it's also a
thing that I see a lot of othermen struggling with.
Is that loneliness when youstart to make a change in life
(01:44):
and you start going into newendeavors?
And for me, when I first gotsober from drugs, the biggest
thing that I was scared of wasbeing lonely, and I feel that's
why for so long I was constantlyabusing drugs, getting involved
in things that I know deep downI shouldn't be involved with,
just because, at the end of theday, I didn't want to be lonely.
(02:05):
And through that journey ofbecoming comfortable with
loneliness and I guess being byyourself was I had it wrong, to
be honest, when I first began it, because I thought I had to
find peace when it comes toloneliness.
But the thing that I realizedis it's not finding peace, it's
mastering chaos, and throughmastering the chaos I was able
(02:26):
to get to peace and I had thewrong way around.
Lachlan Stuart (02:29):
It's a very interesting point you raise.
Can you share more about whatit's like to learn to master
chaos and sort of expand on that?
Ryan McCarthy (02:36):
Yeah, 100%, because there's a couple of
aspects, but the first part ofit that I learned for myself was
a book by Eckhart Tolle calledthe Power of Now, and within
that book he talks about thepractice of observing your
thoughts.
And for me, when I used to getnegative, intrusive thoughts
come into my mind, I used toalways be like I need to find
peace.
I need to find peace with this,and instead I needed to learn
(02:59):
how to master the chaos ofintrusive thoughts that would
come, because these intrusivethoughts will come, you get an
emotional reaction and it willruin the whole day.
So I was like, right, maybe Ineed to master this thing that's
coming up.
And one thing that EckhartTolle talks about in that book
is picture yourself sitting downin a lazy boy chair with your
eyes closed and all yourthoughts are on the movie screen
, coming and going, and youdon't tell them where to go,
(03:20):
what to do, or you don't reactto them.
Instead, you simply observethem without emotion and over
time, you're able to actuallybuild yourself to a point where
you can afford to come inwithout actually being
emotionally reactive to them.
Lachlan Stuart (03:33):
Is there a thought that springs to mind for
you that you feel brought a lotof chaos into your life, or one
that you really wanted to makepeace with?
Ryan McCarthy (03:42):
Yeah, trust, so just trust in general people,
especially with my now wife.
This was back when we firststarted dating quite a few years
ago and I always had intrusivethoughts of her cheating on me,
which is crazy, because she'snever done anything to even show
that she would ever do that.
Me myself, I've never cheeredon her or cheered on anyone.
So to even have those thoughtsin the first place I thought was
(04:05):
a bit chaotic, but it wassomething that I literally
couldn't get out of my head andit used to eat me up so much and
I was so stressed andoverwhelmed all the time because
of it, and I just had to learnhow to become, I guess how to
master the chaos of thosethoughts come into my head.
Lachlan Stuart (04:19):
Trust is a big one, and I do want to come back
to loneliness, because it'ssomething that I'm very
interested in and is a big issuenow, especially when reading a
lot of articles from JonathanHaidt and things around the
social media challenges thatwe're facing.
But when we talk about trust, Iknow a lot of people that I
work with and speak to, andmyself included, have
(04:40):
experienced moments in my lifewhere I couldn't trust myself
and couldn't trust other people.
Experienced moments in my lifewhere I couldn't trust myself
and couldn't trust other people.
For someone who was goingthrough that, from your
experience, what would be thesteps that you would, or maybe
even some advice that you wouldgive for them to start making
improvements, to build bettertrust with the relationships
that matter most For me?
Ryan McCarthy (05:01):
personally, the thing that worked the most was
being able to trust myself,because I found that was the
fundamentals of it all.
So things will be like stick toyour word.
If I gave my word to someone orto myself, I have to stick to
that word because at the end ofthe day, I feel like that's one
of the things that we can holdmost to ourselves, because we
can lie to everyone else butdeep down we can't lie to our
(05:21):
subconscious mind.
So the first fundamental thing,I believe, is when you start
making promises or you startgiving your word to yourself or
other people, you stick to themand follow through, build that
trust within yourself.
Uh, feel like from that youstart surrounding yourself with
people that I guess you cantrust, because you start to know
yourself a lot more and thenyou know who you want to be
(05:42):
around and I guess the extensionfrom building the fundamentals
to begin with can really extendout into your own external world
.
Lachlan Stuart (05:50):
That's awesome, man, and it's great that you
were able to firstly learn totrust yourself but then also
establish that trust within yourrelationship with your wife as
well, bringing it back toloneliness, and even a bit
before that.
A reason why you said you gotinto drugs was because your fear
of loneliness, and then alsothe hardest part about getting
(06:10):
off was the fear of loneliness.
Can you take us back to, Iguess, the age, because I know
you started drug use at a veryyoung age.
Can you sort of take us back tothat time and give us a bit of
a synapse of what that lookedlike for you?
Ryan McCarthy (06:24):
Yeah, I'll give a little bit more context, asapse
, of what that looked like foryou.
Yeah, and I like I'll give alittle bit more context as well
a little bit before that time,because I'm originally from
england, moved to australia withmom, dad, brother and sister,
and then when I moved there Iwas eight years old, away from
the whole family.
So I think that was probablythe first time where I started
to feel lonely, like adisconnect from community and
people, because while I lived inEngland like we'd always be
(06:45):
around family, all lived on thesame block kind of thing, we
always around each other.
Then we moved to Australia.
It was a big shift for me.
Then we originally moved toAdelaide and then we lived there
until I was 11 years old andthe family moved up to
Queensland and it was my sister,stayed in Adelaide and in
Queensland there was me, mybrother, mum and dad.
But then very quickly mum anddad got a divorce.
(07:06):
Dad went back to England,brother went back to Adelaide
and it was just me and mum inQueensland.
And at the age of 11, I wasreally confused, especially with
dad leaving and the divorce.
I started to come home.
The house would be really emptyand quiet.
So from there on I started toseek external environments and
getting involved with certaingroups of people and started to
(07:27):
get into certain types ofactivity.
And then, when I was 11 yearsold, I tried weed for the first
time and the thing was I didn'teven know what marijuana was.
I just thought it was maybe acigarette.
I was like, oh, I'll just do itbecause the boys are doing it,
maybe it's just a cigarettebecause my mum and dad used to
smoke.
So I guess I just linked itwith that.
But then, from the age of 11,as soon as I tried weed, that
(07:49):
was probably one of the firsttimes in my life, at that point
where I felt, I guess you couldsay, calm and content.
I felt like there was likewe've talked about before about
mastering the chaos.
Lachlan Stuart (08:07):
That was my way of mastering chaos at that time.
There are a lot of parents thatlisten to this show and I can
imagine a question they'rethinking is how do I stop my
11-year-old son getting involvedin drug use?
And I guess no one has a silverbullet.
But if what you were seekingout in that period of time,
would there be any advice thatthat 11-year-old version of
yourself would give to someone?
A parent listening?
Ryan McCarthy (08:30):
Yeah.
So when it comes to parentingbecause at the end of the day,
all of these things are going tobe out in the world drugs and
certain types of groups ofpeople and I think it just comes
down to instilling good valuesinto your children, you know,
and also having discipline,because I find, especially in
(08:50):
today's day and age, maybeparents are too scared to have
set boundaries and rules withtheir kids because maybe labeled
as some sort of child abuse.
But I feel like you still needdiscipline, because me, when I
was 11 years old, I I thought Iknew everything, definitely.
I look back now.
I'm like, that idiot knewnothing.
I needed someone to put me inline.
Lachlan Stuart (09:10):
For sure we need those guardrails yeah.
Ryan McCarthy (09:13):
So I think, setting good values and also, I
believe, when parents getinvolved when they see their
child doing things like drugs,obviously you're going to be
emotional about it.
It's going to be an emotional,reactive thing when you first
hear about it.
But I find that it's best totake a breath.
Don't react with emotion andreact with logic and then also
(09:34):
with that you could probablyweave in the emotion and why I
want you to not get into thispath and why.
The why can come after.
But I think first you can't yourfront foot forward can't be the
emotion.
You've got to stay calm andunderstand and speak to the
child as well.
I think that's anotherimportant part Actually listen
to them and ask them why they'regetting into this, what's led
you to this decision.
(09:55):
Because I find if you havesomeone pointing their finger at
you and saying, don't do this,don't do this, it can kind of
push you in the oppositedirection to want to do it, and
it can kind of push you in theopposite direction to want to do
it.
And I find start with havingthe conversation with them,
understanding the why and fromthere just talk about you know
your values and implementingdiscipline.
But I find probably the firstgood place to start would just
(10:15):
be understanding the why.
Lachlan Stuart (10:17):
Yeah, definitely when we're younger.
I probably think until I wasabout 28,.
If someone told me I couldn'tdo something or shouldn't do
something, I was going to bloodydo it.
And I think to your point there.
When we're younger we don'tnecessarily understand
consequences.
We don't have the foresight tounderstand the impact on other
(10:37):
people as well, almost.
So when we're trying things weare obviously gaining our own
life experience.
But I can't help but think if Iwas a parent, I'm not a parent
yet, so parents correct me ifI'm wrong, but I do believe that
if you can just build such astrong, tight-knit family units
almost what you said you hadback in the UK, ryan, and even
(10:59):
in Adelaide, where you werealways around family, you were
always around good people it'shard to not have the love and
the strong values rub off onchildren and I think the moment
that you lose that, then we allhave wants and needs and we'll
go on almost a scavenger hunt tofind that and sometimes we're
going to get validated in notthe best way, which is probably
(11:21):
what led you down the path totrying weed at such a young age.
Ryan McCarthy (11:25):
Yeah, like you said, it's on point as well,
like the wants and needs,because at the end of the day,
everyone, especially gettinginto that realm, has got a need
that's not being met.
So just looking for a way toget that need met For me it was
drugs, because drugs gave meaccess to a community as well.
Lachlan Stuart (11:42):
Big part.
Community is huge, so fastforward.
So 11, you smoked your firstjoint or ripped a bong or a
tinny.
I'm not sure how it went down,but you got that feeling in.
And what happened from then?
Ryan McCarthy (11:57):
So 11 was weird.
And then when I was 13 years oldI started to like snort pills
and do NDMA and trippers likepills type things.
And then from there I startedsmoking I think it was about 13,
14, smoking this synthetic weedcalled Spice and it's a really
like quite intense drug and Iactually saw a friend of mine
(12:19):
die one night on it andthankfully he came back to life,
but I guess he would have somesort of overdose that scared me
scentless from there on.
That's when I quit smokingspice.
But then from there it didn'tstop me from exploring other
drugs, stupidly enough, becausethen when I was 15, I thought it
was a really good idea to stayup all night and smoke meth and
then go to school the next dayin grade 10.
(12:39):
So my life took, you know, apretty dark turn for the worst.
But then when I was 18 yearsold, that's when I finally made
the decision and stuck with itto get sober From that age, from
11 to 18, which isexperimenting so many different
types of drugs and just doing alot of loose things.
I guess what was it?
Lachlan Stuart (13:00):
like getting on meth.
That is a hard-ass drug man,and a highly addictive one.
From what I've heard, did youjust experiment with that, or is
that one of your go-to onesthat you sort of sat with for a
few years?
Ryan McCarthy (13:14):
No, it wasn't one that I ever got addicted to.
It was the only one that Iexperimented with, thankfully,
because the reason that I smokedice and speed was because I
couldn't get on to weed like anymarijuana, and the only drug
that was available that thedealer could get was ice.
So I was like, yeah, we'll justget some ice.
Lachlan Stuart (13:31):
Something's better than nothing.
Ryan McCarthy (13:33):
Exactly, it was literally.
That's the best way I can sumit up.
When it comes to when I lookback on my addiction, it wasn't
like a specific drug, like weedwas probably the one that I
abused the most, but at the endof the day, it was literally
just any way to get high, justany way to feel something.
I guess you know.
So, thankfully, ice and speedand, you know, crack wasn't
something that I became addictedto, because when I did smoke at
(13:54):
that time I, when I hit it, Iwas like two things this is,
this feels great and that's agood reason why I shouldn't
pursue it yeah, this is good.
Lachlan Stuart (14:05):
It's great that you had the understanding to be
able to knock that in the butter, because it doesn't work out
that well for a lot of people,unfortunately.
But, 18, you decided to kick it.
Was there a moment that madeyou do that, or you were just
fed up?
Ryan McCarthy (14:22):
I was actually thinking about this yesterday
because I was down in Gold Coastfor the weekend and a schoolies
weekend down here in Gold.
Lachlan Stuart (14:29):
Coast.
Ryan McCarthy (14:31):
And when I was down there I was thinking this
was actually the first time Iactually had the thought of
quitting drugs was schoolies, in2014, with the year I was meant
to graduate, because duringschoolies I was just abusing as
many drugs as you can think of.
But by the back end of that,when I finally got home, I
remember reflecting on the weekand reflecting on barely any
(14:53):
sleep, barely any food, feelingjust absolutely horrible.
And that was the first time Ireally questioned my own actions
and what I'm doing and if it'sreally benefited me.
And then, after school, therewas a break from November to
February.
And then in February 2015,.
I remember I got back from ahouse party and I had a typical
(15:15):
green out.
People know what a green out is.
It's like when you mix alcoholand weed and you start vomiting
and I got really sick.
And then I woke up the nextmorning and I was like you know
what I'm gonna see if I can quitweed, because I was like, from
wake up to sleep, from the ageof 11, this is the one thing
that I haven't been able to goout, go without.
So then, thankfully enough, Iwas able to stop smoking weed.
(15:37):
But my stupid idea at the timewas I'll stop smoking weed, I'll
just abuse every other drug,even the holder, because I was
like, if I can quit weird, itshould give me the confidence to
quit everything in total.
Um, and this is not merecommending to anyone please,
if you're you know getting soberfrom drugs, don't do it my way.
I think I kind of got lucky,but what happened was I quit
weird.
(15:57):
And then, september that sameyear, um, I then eventually got
clean from every other drugbecause in my own mindset I set
myself up to say if I can quitthis one thing and stick with it
, I can quit everything else.
And then, on my 18th birthday,I believe was my last time ever
touching the drug.
Lachlan Stuart (16:15):
Congrats, man.
So you were about nine years.
Yeah, you would be nine years.
Just over nine years.
Well done.
How's your relationship with itnow?
So obviously at that point youmade that decision.
But is there ever any socialenvironments or social settings
where you feel the the cravingor the urge?
Or have you sort of justcompletely outgrown that phase
(16:36):
of your life, I would say?
Ryan McCarthy (16:39):
I have had urges.
It's not like where I'm sittingat home and I want it, it's
like maybe in the last nine orlast five years, let's say, I
probably had the urge once to doit Just out of curiosity,
because you can kind ofdisassociate from your own past
if that makes sense.
But overall not at all, becauseI've been around it still a lot,
(17:00):
not in the last three years,but I guess the first four to
five years becoming clean.
I was still around it everyweekend, I was hanging around
the same people and I just neverhad the urge.
I feel like just some sort ofswitch happened in my mind.
I just made a decision that Iknew was the right decision.
I just stuck with it.
I think that was another way ofme coming back to trust, with
building trust for myself,making a word with myself that
(17:25):
I'll never do it again, stickingwith it, and I feel like that
has been a big foundation oftrust for myself too.
Lachlan Stuart (17:31):
not going back.
It's huge.
And a key thing you said thatjumped out at me then was making
a decision.
I feel a lot of people reallystruggle to commit to the
decisions.
They're obviously not keepingtheir words, but it's like I
want to get in shape, or I wantto take 12 months off the booze,
or I want to be a betterhusband or partner or whatever,
or I want to earn more money,but they're not committed to
(17:54):
that decision.
They're just throwing it outthere half-assed, and I think
once you really sort of look atyourself and look at the results
that you're getting within yourlife, it's a great reflection
of whether you are actuallycommitted or you're just still
toying with that idea.
And obviously, nine years soberRyan, it's a great example of
(18:14):
being committed and reallybacking that decision.
Ryan McCarthy (18:17):
Yeah, and I found as well.
I was always trying to find away to make an excuse, like, oh,
I can't do it this week.
It's so-and-so's birthday onthe weekend, you know, and
they're like, it's that person'sbirthday, what happened?
There's something else thatcome up?
I'm just finding a way just totalk myself out of making the
decision.
I know I need to do.
Yeah, at the end of the day,everything we make is a choice.
You know whether it's helpfulor unhelpful.
(18:39):
You just gotta understand whereyou want to go in life, and and
that's why I found, you know.
So the question whether I wantto go and the vision that I had
didn't align with the actions Iwas taking.
So I just had to make adecision to change my actions.
Lachlan Stuart (18:51):
When you made that decision.
Was it easy for you?
Nope.
Ryan McCarthy (18:56):
So getting clean at 18, from 18 to 20, was the
hardest years of my life,because from 11 to 18, I guess
you could somewhat say that'swhen you start becoming a bit
more conscious of the world andyourself.
But for me I suppressedeverything during that time.
So 18, that was the first timeI really felt emotions like to
(19:16):
the actual depth of things, likedepression, anxiety, were the
most common ones.
So 18 to 20, it got to thepoint where I'll be sitting in
my bedroom my best mate willcome over, who I've known for
years, and I'll be shaking in myroom physically like not being
able to leave, just because Iwas so like in my own head with
anxiety to go and leave the roomand say hello to him and that
(19:36):
was a bit of a hurdle to getover.
Um, but that 18 to 20 wasdefinitely the hardest time of
my life it's definitely wheneveryone else starts to party
and experiment as well.
Lachlan Stuart (19:47):
You sort of got a nine-year head start on
everyone, so as you're sort ofdusting your hands cleaner but
everyone's sort of diving intoit, so it probably comes back to
that isolation and lonelinessthat you experienced as well.
Can we jump back there now?
So loneliness was somethingthat you were fearing.
Can you sort of expand on thatand unpack that a bit?
(20:08):
Just so I'd love to know whatwas going through your head,
what the biggest fears that youwere, I guess experiencing as a
result of being isolated andbeing alone.
Ryan McCarthy (20:23):
I feel like especially just humans in
general.
We just want to fit in ingroups.
Maybe, if you want to look backthrough history, it comes down
to survival and thinking that wehave to fit into the tribe so
we can survive.
And for me, I just wanted tofit in, felt like I belonged,
because I feel like movingaround a lot, because even
(20:43):
before family split, from theage I was born to the age of 15,
I think I lived in about over30 houses, while I was moving,
yeah, so I never felt any momentof just like a steady ship just
at all.
So that was another part of itfor me, which is trying to find
(21:05):
something steady, and for me Ihad my friends, I had drugs and
it just felt like things werejust comfortable and normal for
once in my life too.
Lachlan Stuart (21:15):
And that's nearly a house every two years.
Talk about instability,especially in some of the most
formative, I guess, years ofyour life, establishing
friendships and just looking tobe able to learn and grow in a
safe environment.
That's very challenging for youto do while you're constantly
moving, but obviously,unfortunately not everyone has
the luxury of you know whetheryou have to move from military
(21:38):
or whatever life eventsencourage or force people to
move.
It's definitely challenging.
Do you feel there could havebeen anything done during those
years that would have helped yousort of navigate that a bit
better?
Done during those years thatwould have helped you sort of
navigate that a bit better?
Ryan McCarthy (21:55):
it's hard to say, because the first thing that
came to mind was a mentor.
But when I reflect back on whothe who I was back then, I feel
like if a mentor did come in mylife, I would have rejected it
anyway, like I wouldn't haveallowed it to be in my space for
sure.
Lachlan Stuart (22:09):
So yeah, I'm kind of struggling to find an
answer for that because, um, atthat time I was very
closed-minded yeah, well, that'sa big part, like I'll say,
growth and fixed mindset,because I would imagine most
people listening to this areaware of that, but maybe you
weren't aware of what thatlooked like.
I sure as hell wasn't aware ofthe difference between a fixed
(22:30):
or growth mindset, or the factthat you could even change how
you thought about things or youresponded to things.
That was sort of one of thegreatest things that ever
happened to me and allowed me tochange my life, when I realized
that the way that I thoughtabout myself, the way that I
thought about the world, couldbe changed.
I just had to change my inputsand really challenge, or firstly
, identify things that I didn'tlike, challenge them and figure
(22:53):
out what I needed to do tochange those things.
But you're mentioningmentorship.
There as well, you've become amentor to a lot of people.
Over the 2021 was when youlaunched your podcast.
I think even prior to that,you'd been working in mental
health for three years.
Can you, I guess, give?
Ryan McCarthy (23:17):
us a snapshot on how you got into that space and
what made you want to launch apodcast as well?
Yeah, definitely.
It's actually um, yeah, it'spretty cool story and it's
something that I feel like godmade happen for me because of
the way it happened.
It all kind of fell into place.
So what happened was that whenI was 20 years old so back in
around 2018, I started to comeon the back end of dealing with
depression and social anxietyand anxiety and all the things
(23:39):
that I really wanted to find theway to share how I'm feeling
and hopefully, like inspirespeople in my own little
community where I grew up.
So I started up an Instagrampage, which is now called One
Talk, but before I rebranded it,it was called Mental Health
Experience.
That was just a way for me totry and bring awareness and
hopefully help people around me.
And then, through doing that, Igot a DM from a lady who was a
(24:03):
mate from school's girlfriend.
She goes I've been seeing whatyou've been doing online and
helping people.
I'd love for you to come andvolunteer at this residential
housing for mental health like asales house.
I was like, yeah, I'd love todo that.
You know, take the next stepand actually be proactive in
supporting people.
So I started volunteering therefor about three months.
They eventually offered me ajob, started casually, got
(24:25):
part-time and then I got offereda job from a different place
doing full-time case managementwith adults and mental health.
Then from there on it's justkind of been evolving and
getting bigger and doingdifferent things to a point now
where I'm a case manager for ayouth service and also I do one
talks over like workshops ofevents, podcasting.
(24:47):
It all started from startingthis Instagram page and then
just winging it.
Lachlan Stuart (24:52):
That's so cool, man.
When you started the page, wasthere any hesitation or fear
about doing it, or you just hadthe idea and got stuck into it?
Ryan McCarthy (25:01):
I was shitting myself, because I was like the
only people that knew I wasgoing through a struggle,
because people would see me outand about and I was quite a
familiar face where I I grew up,it's like you know I'd always
bump into people at the shop andalways talk to people, but no
one knew what I was goingthrough my own personal life.
So I started posting onlinelike I was like it's, I feel
(25:22):
like I'm about to expose myselfto the world.
You know I was absolutelybeckoning it but, um, yeah,
overcoming that fear and justdoing it anyway and
understanding this is my passionand if people hate, that's more
of a reflection of them ratherthan it is me and telling myself
all these little things toconvince me to do it.
And then one day I was like,let's just do it.
(25:43):
What's the worst that couldhappen?
Lachlan Stuart (25:45):
were you driven?
Do you think you were drivenmore by the pain of the
situation that you were in orthe pleasure of what you could
create and the impact that youcould have?
Ryan McCarthy (25:56):
definitely the second part, the impact that I
could have, because I foundbeing a service to others is the
thing that made me feel thebest.
So I wanted to find a way togive time and energy and just be
able to help people because Iknew in return it would help me
as well.
So there's like a selfishself-assist to the selfishness.
So I found there's a reallygood way to overcome my own
(26:17):
stuff through helping otherpeople and be like a bit of a
peer support worker in a waywhere you can kind of share your
own life lessons.
But I guess along the journeyof me helping others I learned
so much more about myself andwas able to start doing a lot
more deeper work on myself too.
Lachlan Stuart (26:33):
Yeah, it's definitely hard to feel bad
after you've helped someone out.
So I always find myself, if I'min a shitty mood, I'll sort of
go for a walk and I'll find myway to.
You know, whether it's just tomake someone smile or wave at
someone, that I'm trying tobrighten someone else's day up.
It sounds super cliche and I'mnot obviously walking the
streets just waving like abloody Ronald McDonald, but I'll
(26:54):
always try to go out of my wayto meet someone because I know
if I can find out what's goingon in their life, my problems
sort of take a back seat andthen I can focus on other people
.
And then I realized a lot ofthe shit that I was stressing
out didn't actually matter inthe first place.
I was just in a bit of a rut atthat point in time.
But going then into, you'vementioned you've worked with a
(27:17):
lot of people and you'relearning a lot from people as
well.
Is there any conversations thatyou've had whether they're
people that you've worked withor people that guests that
you've had on your podcastlessons that have really shifted
your perspective on improvingyour life or your mental health,
or anything like that?
Ryan McCarthy (27:33):
yeah, there's been loads.
I think you'd also relate withthis without having the podcast
like the, I've been able tointerview people and dive into
their mind and get like an houror two of their time.
Like the amount of stuff youcan learn is just incredible and
it's always usually people thatyou're personally interested in
.
I would say you're definitelyone of them because when I
interviewed, I would say you'redefinitely one of them, because
(27:53):
when I interviewed you, lachlan,that was one of my first
podcasts where I really wantedto dive into the mindset of men
and the mental health of men.
Yep, I learned a lot around whatyou talked about before of
being able to control your ownoutcomes in life through making
decisions, and that was for me,you know, like a really big
piece of advice.
I was able to start sharingwith other people, but that made
(28:14):
me more curious to interviewother people on my podcast as
well.
But I find mainly in my podcastI've been able to interview so
many people and learn so much.
I'm trying to think of likespecifics, because there's so
much that I've learned thatMastering Chaos one I learned
from a guy called Mo Hussoon andhe's an addiction counselor.
(28:34):
I mean I was speaking with him,he said to get to the PhD on
Master Chaos and he spoke to mea lot in depth about that.
Yeah there's so many examplesI'm kind of struggling to think
of many on the spot.
Lachlan Stuart (28:46):
No, that's cool and I think, to back your point
up, I've spoken to hundreds ofpeople and every episode I walk
away going.
Even this one I'm like, sofired up and inspired and
re-energized and I'll walk awaygoing.
This is the best podcast I'vedone.
I don't think it's ever goingto be topped.
(29:06):
You can't compare twoconversations and what you take
away, but then it just inspiresyou in a different way, whether
it's someone's personal story,maybe, how they give you a
framework to work throughsomething, but what it comes
down to for me is, I think, alot of people we're all trying
to get across the same thing inour own way, but I think we all
(29:29):
have the one thing in commonwhere we just hope that people
look to implement differentstrategies or try different
things to improve their qualityof life, really build that
toolkit up, and whether that'sto improve their finances, their
marriages or their mentalhealth, they can all sort of
mold together to make a reallygreat outcome.
Ryan McCarthy (29:50):
Yeah, 100% as well.
And then, as you were talking,I actually had two examples come
to my head because I wasthinking.
I was like I want to answeryour question.
So the first one would be so anold team leader of mine named
Travis and he was probably thefirst person in the industry to
really see something in me andbelieve me before I even
believed in myself, and he tookme under his wing and, I guess,
(30:12):
mentored me into working in thecommunity.
And one thing he taught me, themost important thing.
He said you know what theaverage career is in this
industry?
And I was like oh, I'm not toosure.
And he goes usually two years.
I'm like so I've got two yearsand I've got to find a new job.
And he's like like, no, thereason it's like, the reason
(30:38):
it's two years, is becausepeople burn out, because they
don't look after themselves.
He goes.
If you're spending 40 hours aweek in service of others for
this job and you're doing yourpodcasts and doing your events,
he's like where do you feel likeyou're going to be in two years
?
You don't look after yourself.
First I was like you know what?
That's a really good piece ofadvice and it was massive on
looking after myself first,before coming to work and
helping people and speaking,making sure that I am doing the
(30:59):
things that I know need to bedone for me in order to serve
others.
And then the second one would bethis uh, closer, I've got
beyond me, says the marathoncontinues, so the marathon
continues is a musician namedNipsey Hussle, who's now passed
away, but Nipsey Hussle had asaying called the Marathon
Continues, and that was a reallybig thing for me, beginning on
(31:19):
this journey, but also still tothis day, because it's a
constant reminder to not uselife as a sprint.
If you look more at a marathon,a longer marathon, you'll know
Lockie, with all the running andthe crazy stuff you do, yeah,
yeah you need to hydrate.
You need to stop.
You need to hydrate.
You need to do a pit stop everynow and then and check in.
You need to have your gels orwhatever it is.
(31:40):
You know like you need to dothe things along the way on the
marathon to be able to get tothe finish line.
And if you treat a 42 kilometerrun as a sprint, you're going
to gas out by five to 10 Ks andbe no good to yourself or you
will not even be able to finishthe marathon.
But if you treat it at a pace,eventually you're going to get
to the finish line.
I think that's probably one ofthe best ways to do it too
(32:01):
Definitely.
Lachlan Stuart (32:02):
And I think a lot of people overestimate what
they can achieve in 12 monthsand underestimate what they can
achieve in 12 years or 10 years,and that's why a lot of people
sort of peel off and don'treally see their goals through.
And one thing within ouracademy we always work within a
12-week game plan, because it'slong enough that you can achieve
tangible results and it'senough that it gives you a
(32:25):
timeframe where the motivationstays high.
If you were to try and set 12months now, after about six
weeks, most people lose interestand there's not enough feedback
working for people.
And that way, within a 12-weekblock for me it's always is this
goal going to lead me to thenext step or next level of what
I'm trying to achieve within 12months or five years?
And that way I'm gettingrealistic feedback around.
(32:49):
One am I genuinely interested init?
If I am cool, continue?
Two, are the actions that I'mtaking right now moving me in
the right direction?
Three, are the people in mycorner the right people to be
part of this mission with me?
And four, is my skill setaround how I show up and what I
know enough to do that, or do Ineed to keep investing in little
(33:11):
side quests to upskill thoseareas, and that's what helps me
sort of play the long game andbringing it back into marathons.
It is you need new shoes, youneed your hydration, you need
your sleep, but you need yoursupport team.
They're all so important but inthe beginning you don't know
that, especially when you're ayoung, testosterone fueled male,
you just want to get out thereand just go fucking hard.
(33:32):
That's how we operate it yeah,exactly.
Ryan McCarthy (33:36):
Yeah, like you said, man too, it's spot on.
People overestimate what theycan do in the short term than
underestimate what they can doin the long term.
The fire having the plan, then.
Also not being so rigid on howto get to the end goal either,
because, like you said, the boatyou get to five kilometers and
the shoes that you're wearingthey're actually the size too
small.
You need to get a differentpair of shoes on to be able to
(33:56):
finish the marathon.
You know, like not being sostuck in, uh, I guess the
template you set for thismarathon, instead of being a lot
more fluid and being open todifferent ways to finish it.
Lachlan Stuart (34:08):
What did it mean ?
To have Travis take you underhis wing?
You said he believed in youbefore you believed in yourself.
What did that mean to you?
Ryan McCarthy (34:17):
It meant the world, because I feel like if he
didn't believe in me, Iwouldn't be sitting here today.
I don't mean like in terms ofbeing alive, I mean in terms of
like being on this podcast andfollowing in this mission.
I might have fell back into oneof the other jobs I was doing
beforehand, because when Istarted working within mental
health, I still didn't feel likeI had the authority to be there
(34:40):
, because I was 20 years old atthe time and I was working with
40-year-olds, 45-year-olds,50-year-olds.
I'm like how am I meant tosupport someone that's so much
older than me?
Will they listen to me?
Will they respect me?
Because I don't have the lifeexperience?
But then he also said to me hegoes, man, you're 20 years old,
but you've lived 40 years withthe stories you've told me.
(35:01):
And I was like that's true, youknow, trust your wisdom, trust
your instincts and just go forit anyway.
And I was like, yep, you'reright.
So just like have just thebelief of someone else sometimes
can really uplift you andmotivate you to a point where
you build momentum, where youhave that for yourself.
Lachlan Stuart (35:17):
It's one of the things that inspires me most
about you and bringing it backto that, travis believed in you
and you believe in a lot ofpeople and you give people
multiple opportunities to learnfrom you and be inspired by you
and take action with you, andwhether it's through putting
their headphones in andlistening to an episode of the
podcast or you've created youknow, you did the podcast live
(35:37):
tour you do these mentors andworkshops.
It gives people the opportunityfor you to be able to breathe
belief into them, and one of thebiggest challenges I feel men,
and especially young men, arefacing is we don't have the role
models.
We don't even know we haveaccess to mentors.
I didn't know that I could bementored by other men outside of
(35:58):
my direct circle and it wasn'tuntil I started paying for
coaching that I also saw thathey, there are actually just
other blokes out there who willgive you an hour every couple of
weeks for a coffee and you canpick their brain and just having
that guidance can completelychange your life.
So I think what you're doing isreally inspiring and very much
needed for a lot of men outthere and, to add to that, for
(36:22):
men listening to this, or evenparents listening to this, who
have young boys especially and Iguess the same for women, but I
always talk to men and boys iswe need to give your young
children or your husbands oryour boyfriends the opportunity
to be around good men.
And that looks different forall of us, but I believe having
(36:43):
strong ethics and morals andvalues is important, and the
opportunity to get away and gothrough almost like a rite of
passage is so important becausemany men are walking around as
young boys trying to do a man'srole and we're emotionally not
ready for that and we physicallyaren't ready for that.
So having the opportunity to bearound other men who can lift
(37:04):
them up, build them up and teachthem the skills and shine the
perspective that we need tothrive is super important, and
you're doing that work right, soI just wanted to acknowledge
that absolutely likewise for youtoo, man.
Ryan McCarthy (37:16):
You're doing that too, and I think it's so
important, especially forcircles of people to be out
there where people can jointhose circles.
You know those good circles ofmentors.
And one place that I really dosee good, especially for young
people, is a boxing gym.
There's like a massive in theboxing and, like I was at a
fight event, um, about two weeksago they had the little peewee
(37:39):
kids fighting like littleeight-year-olds.
You're just seeing theseeight-year-olds.
They've done like a camp.
They've done the nutrition,they've done the training,
they've learned the discipline,they got the willpower to
overcome and fears.
They got good mentors aroundthem who have been involved in
these circles for so long aswell, like the skills these kids
are learning at eight years old.
It's just incredible, you know,and there's so many different
ways you can learn those samecharacteristics outside of
(38:01):
boxing as well.
But it comes down to, like yousaid, just finding those good
men, and I think that's whyhaving social media is also
awesome as well.
It's a good thing about socialmedia because we're able to
connect circles of people fromall around the world that we can
connect with.
Lachlan Stuart (38:16):
I think to your point around boxing.
I grew up, I did a little bitof Muay Thai but I know a lot of
my parents didn't want megetting into that environment
because it was violent.
But I think, if you flip it onits head, the reason why the
training camps are so successful, the discipline is so
successful, the respect that thepeople learn in that is so
successful, is because if youfuck up you'll get beat up and
(38:38):
it's not like playing.
I guess I played a lot of rugbyand stuff like that.
Yeah, it's physical, but if youdecided to skip training or
whatever, you weren't guaranteedto get your ass kicked.
But if you don't prepare for aboxing match, you're going to
get your ass kicked and no onewants to get their ass kicked.
So that's where it can beextremely powerful for you to
(39:00):
sort of maintain the disciplineand learn how important that is,
because that's transferable tolife.
Life has consequences andsometimes it sucks, sometimes we
get a bad hand out to us, butit's how you respond.
Ryan McCarthy (39:12):
once again, the things that we've covered,
people you have around you, allof that 100, and that's because
me and my wife are expecting ourfirst child on christmas eve,
actually.
So dude congrats how good, yeah, so we're having the baby boy
and I was actually complimentingthis as well for him and his
growing up, because me I'mmassive with soccer.
(39:34):
It's kind of like my secondreligion.
Lachlan Stuart (39:36):
Who do you support?
Ryan McCarthy (39:37):
Liverpool.
Lachlan Stuart (39:39):
I'm a.
Ryan McCarthy (39:39):
Tottenham fan.
It's not Manchester United, sothat's good.
Lachlan Stuart (39:43):
Yeah, I know, tottenham's all good.
Ryan McCarthy (39:47):
I was thinking because I really wanted to play
soccer, because it's a bigpassion of mine, but then I was
like like, all right, where's hegoing to find discipline and
all these other things?
Because the soccer, like yousaid, with rugby, it's the same.
You know, like you can skiptraining and you can go the next
week and there's noconsequences.
So I was like on the side, gethim doing boxing even if he
doesn't want to fight.
Just train and just be around.
(40:08):
You know, be around otherpeople that are disciplined and
that are resilient and that arealso overcome with fears every
time they step into that placeas well do you feel there's
benefit that comes from alsofeeling like you can handle
yourself as well?
yeah, 100, because I find,especially when you're insecure
about your own abilities, I feellike you can act out to try and
(40:29):
prove yourself, which can getyou in a lot of trouble.
I feel like when you are sosure of what you're capable of,
you're able to make morecalculated decisions rather than
acting out to try and testyourself, if that makes sense.
Lachlan Stuart (40:42):
Definitely.
How does it feel moving intofatherhood?
Ryan McCarthy (40:48):
It's awesome, like I'm super keen.
It was the biggest goal of mine, but I actually was having a
few thoughts come up which I'venow feel like I've shaped.
I'm kind of keen to hear yourown thoughts on what I've been
thinking around this as well,because the first thing that
came up was like I need to be abetter man, I need to be a
better husband, I need to be abetter father when the kid comes
(41:08):
Like I just need to improve inall aspects of life.
Lachlan Stuart (41:11):
And that wasn't.
Ryan McCarthy (41:12):
I wasn, when the kid comes, like I just need to
improve in all aspects of life.
And that wasn't.
I wasn't saying or thinkingthat in a way where I don't feel
like I'm good enough.
I just felt like I have anotherlevel in me to step up in.
And when I was thinking aboutit to begin with I was a bit
confused on why I was feelingthis, but then, after a bit of
reflection, I started to thinkwell, this is a good thing
because it shows that I care andI want to be the best father,
husband and man that I can belike.
(41:32):
Use this calling as a way toexplore ways to step up and
become that better father orbetter husband and better man in
general.
So once I came to thatconclusion but that was a lot
more easy, because now it's likeI take the steps that you feel
like may get you there, and nowit's a lot of trial and error.
But the first thing that came tomind was my son's going to see
(41:54):
me through his eyes and he'sprobably gonna.
That's probably going to be thefirst type of role model thing
he's going to get from me.
So I was like I need to be inthe best physical shape I can
possibly be.
Because I was like I don't wantmy kid to see me as someone who
can't really move around and abit overweight and struggling,
you know, like I want my kid tosee me be fit, ripped, active.
So I was like, yeah, thebiggest goal now is to make sure
that I'm in the most peakphysical condition I can be in,
(42:16):
so when my son is here he seesme and goes well, like that is a
physical role model and thenafter that I can start
implementing all the otherthings it's cool that you talk
about that, because people arealways watching us and people
say we shouldn't judge others,but I think judgment is not
always a bad thing.
Lachlan Stuart (42:36):
It's almost like how we can measure ourself and
look to learn things that we dowant or don't want in our life,
which is very powerful, becausethen we can ask people hey, ryan
, you're super jacked at themoment and you've got a kid.
How have you done that?
How have you managed to do allof that?
Because then I can takelearnings and insights and
perspectives from you.
So I think there's definitely alot of positive parts to that
(42:58):
you mentioned.
You had that experience whereyou wanted to get better.
Do you have an idea around whatbetter looks like or what
success looks like for youmoving forward, especially as a
dad?
Ryan McCarthy (43:14):
I said this on the other podcast as well and I
think it does stay the samebecause for me, success is
raising a family that is full oflove and that is, I guess, I
think, the success of the familyis like, because I was speaking
about this, I actually did apodcast with my wife.
I'm going on different pocketshere, but what I did was I did a
(43:39):
podcast with my wife and wetalked about how to be a role
model for my son and thenpotentially a daughter one day,
if I have a daughter.
So I was like for success forthe son, you know it's being
able to be raised and look afterthe family and all that type of
stuff.
But for the daughter, like Iwant to be a good role model in
like an emotional space for hertoo.
So I was thinking about how canyou balance, I guess, the guy
(43:59):
with the man, I guess thefeminine with the woman in the
household to make thatsuccessful?
And I think it's just me and mywife being examples of that
within the family.
You know, like me the masculinehair is the feminine and also
how I treat her and how shetreats me, and just raising the
family as best as we can justfull of love, and for me that is
success.
Man.
Lachlan Stuart (44:20):
That's awesome.
It's essentially modeling whatyou had and making sure you
don't lose that as well andenter that void of loneliness as
well.
Ryan McCarthy (44:29):
Yeah, because outside that, like I do want
loads of other things, you know,like for the business.
I want success for otheradventures in life, like there
is success, but at the end ofthe day, I think the most
important thing for me is havinga happy, loving family.
So for me, like, if I have toreally refine it down to one
thing, I think that's the mostimportant one it's beautiful man
(44:52):
like I was talking with my wifeearlier.
Lachlan Stuart (44:54):
We went for a walk and we were talking about
that as well.
You know we've got an awesomelife.
We travel a lot, butfinancially we're in the worst
position we've been in a numberof years just because we
invested so much moving overseasand the american dollar isn't
the best, but, as we were saying, we're like we're still
accumulating so many incrediblelife experiences and memories
(45:16):
and stories to tell.
So, even though we don't havethe financial freedom that we
had 12 months ago or 18 monthsago, we're working towards
getting that back in a newcountry but we are doing what we
wanted to do.
We're living a great life and,at the end of the day, what is
most important to us is exactlywhat you said.
It's having that loving familysupport and making sure that,
(45:39):
regardless of what's going on onthe outside, like you've always
got each other's back andyou're always there.
I think that's the mostimportant thing.
It's really hard to buildbecause it takes constant work
and we're dealing with people'semotions and everything like
that, but at the end of the day,everything else can build from
that exactly, man, and like yousaid as well, because, like, I
feel like one of the best thingsthat we can take is the
(46:01):
experiences of life.
Ryan McCarthy (46:02):
You know like it may cost a bit of financial and
it can be stressful because thewhole world works on financial
and we have to, you know,provide in that sense, but I
find, if you are trading it forexperience and memories, and
it's well worth it becausetomorrow's not promised.
And I was actually reflectingon that when, um, I believe you
know jackson tippett as well,but when jackson passed I was
(46:24):
like shit, like tomorrow isliterally not part of promise.
We've only got these momentsthat we have literally right now
.
And I was thinking like I wasthinking like the experience of
life, and when I reflect back onlife, some of the best moments
I have isn't the money that I'vemade, it's the experience that
I've had and the people I hadthem with.
Lachlan Stuart (46:41):
Yeah, man, it's sad of Jackson's passing and it
exactly reminded me of the samething.
Like we've got to, it justsnaps you back to reality of
what's actually important.
Every day we're being, I guess,guided to think that other
things are extremely importantand life is full of seasons and
there's a season for making asmuch money, there's a season for
(47:03):
family, but overall, if youwere to look back, you're not
going to care about that howmuch money you made or anything
like that.
It's who you meet, theexperiences that you had, the
wine that you shared with thosepeople, and just the stories
that you could.
Pretty much the easiest way Isummarize it for myself is if I
was reading my book and onceagain this is very cliche would
(47:24):
I be interested by the chapters?
Or is it just chapter one go towork.
Chapter two go to work, chapterthree go to work.
And it's like, if that is yourreality, which was mine for a
long time and it still is to adegree, how can I spice those
chapters up a little bit?
Is it doing some weekends away,afternoon things, taking a risk
?
What does that look like?
Ryan McCarthy (47:44):
Yeah, exactly right, and doing those little
things, like even we went toGold Coast on the weekend and we
didn't realize when we plannedto go.
Lachlan Stuart (47:52):
we went to gold coast on the weekend and we
didn't realize when we plannedto go.
That was schoolies weekend.
Ryan McCarthy (47:59):
So they're like this week when we went like shit
schoolies.
But then, like now, we'rereflecting back on like that's
kind of like a memory for usthat we accidentally booked on
the same weekend and you knowlike, but being able to do
things like that, you know, Ifeel like it is a blessing that
we have the opportunities to gofor, like, a weekend away or go
traveling overseas and be ableto still make more money to
(48:20):
create more memories ryanmccarthy, host of one talk
podcast.
Lachlan Stuart (48:27):
Everyone.
If you've got as much valuefrom this conversation as I have
, make sure you go over andcheck out the OneTalk podcast,
even if he gets back on the roaddoing the OneTalk podcast live,
get around and see thatexperience.
I'm very keen to check that out.
Mate, it's been an absolutepleasure chatting with you.
I'd love to do it again soon.
I'm also very excited to watchyou move into the next season of
(48:49):
your life, as you become anincredible dad.
I can speak on behalf of somany people that you've inspired
.
You are an incredible rolemodel.
You will be an amazing fatherand I can imagine you're an
amazing husband as well.
So continue doing the greatwork and thank you so much for
your time.
Ryan McCarthy (49:06):
I appreciate that brother.
I appreciate it heaps and thankyou for having me.
Welcome back to the man that Can with Lachlan
Stuart.
Today I'm joined with RyanMcCarthy, host of One Talk
Podcast, which is how we firstconnected.
A number of years ago, I was aguest on Ryan's show and over
the last couple of years I'vewatched you continue to grow in
leaps and bounds and really havea huge impact in the mental
(00:20):
health space, but just forpeople the way that you bring
communities together and yourpassion to help people maximize
their life through learningabout health, business, mental
health and relationships.
And I'm very excited to have aconversation with you today just
to learn more about how you gothere and the direction that
you're going in.
But I wanted to, I guess,before we dive into your story,
(00:42):
ryan, and learn a lot more aboutyou.
Your personal story is soimpactful.
I read a lot of your posts andhave listened to a number of
your episodes, but what's a partof your journey that you don't
often get to share that you feelis essential to understanding
how you got here today?
Ryan McCarthy (01:02):
Well, I just want to start with thanks as well
for having me on Lachlan.
It's been a pleasure to connecta couple of years ago doing the
podcast when you came on theone talk, and I'm a big fan of
your work, really keen to get intoday's episode and I guess on
the back end of that question Ithink I was trying to buy myself
some time because that's areally it's a really good
question that you asked there,because I haven't thought too
much about specific details thatI haven't shared before about
(01:24):
my story.
But the first thing that didcome up was tackling loneliness
and the feeling of loneliness,and that's something that I
don't believe I have touched ondeeply when I have been sharing
my story on my own podcast andother podcasts, and it's also a
thing that I see a lot of othermen struggling with.
Is that loneliness when youstart to make a change in life
(01:44):
and you start going into newendeavors?
And for me, when I first gotsober from drugs, the biggest
thing that I was scared of wasbeing lonely, and I feel that's
why for so long I was constantlyabusing drugs, getting involved
in things that I know deep downI shouldn't be involved with,
just because, at the end of theday, I didn't want to be lonely.
(02:05):
And through that journey ofbecoming comfortable with
loneliness and I guess being byyourself was I had it wrong, to
be honest, when I first began it, because I thought I had to
find peace when it comes toloneliness.
But the thing that I realizedis it's not finding peace, it's
mastering chaos, and throughmastering the chaos I was able
(02:26):
to get to peace and I had thewrong way around.
Lachlan Stuart (02:29):
It's a very interesting point you raise.
Can you share more about whatit's like to learn to master
chaos and sort of expand on that?
Ryan McCarthy (02:36):
Yeah, 100%, because there's a couple of
aspects, but the first part ofit that I learned for myself was
a book by Eckhart Tolle calledthe Power of Now, and within
that book he talks about thepractice of observing your
thoughts.
And for me, when I used to getnegative, intrusive thoughts
come into my mind, I used toalways be like I need to find
peace.
I need to find peace with this,and instead I needed to learn
(02:59):
how to master the chaos ofintrusive thoughts that would
come, because these intrusivethoughts will come, you get an
emotional reaction and it willruin the whole day.
So I was like, right, maybe Ineed to master this thing that's
coming up.
And one thing that EckhartTolle talks about in that book
is picture yourself sitting downin a lazy boy chair with your
eyes closed and all yourthoughts are on the movie screen
, coming and going, and youdon't tell them where to go,
(03:20):
what to do, or you don't reactto them.
Instead, you simply observethem without emotion and over
time, you're able to actuallybuild yourself to a point where
you can afford to come inwithout actually being
emotionally reactive to them.
Lachlan Stuart (03:33):
Is there a thought that springs to mind for
you that you feel brought a lotof chaos into your life, or one
that you really wanted to makepeace with?
Ryan McCarthy (03:42):
Yeah, trust, so just trust in general people,
especially with my now wife.
This was back when we firststarted dating quite a few years
ago and I always had intrusivethoughts of her cheating on me,
which is crazy, because she'snever done anything to even show
that she would ever do that.
Me myself, I've never cheeredon her or cheered on anyone.
So to even have those thoughtsin the first place I thought was
(04:05):
a bit chaotic, but it wassomething that I literally
couldn't get out of my head andit used to eat me up so much and
I was so stressed andoverwhelmed all the time because
of it, and I just had to learnhow to become, I guess how to
master the chaos of thosethoughts come into my head.
Lachlan Stuart (04:19):
Trust is a big one, and I do want to come back
to loneliness, because it'ssomething that I'm very
interested in and is a big issuenow, especially when reading a
lot of articles from JonathanHaidt and things around the
social media challenges thatwe're facing.
But when we talk about trust, Iknow a lot of people that I
work with and speak to, andmyself included, have
(04:40):
experienced moments in my lifewhere I couldn't trust myself
and couldn't trust other people.
Experienced moments in my lifewhere I couldn't trust myself
and couldn't trust other people.
For someone who was goingthrough that, from your
experience, what would be thesteps that you would, or maybe
even some advice that you wouldgive for them to start making
improvements, to build bettertrust with the relationships
that matter most For me?
Ryan McCarthy (05:01):
personally, the thing that worked the most was
being able to trust myself,because I found that was the
fundamentals of it all.
So things will be like stick toyour word.
If I gave my word to someone orto myself, I have to stick to
that word because at the end ofthe day, I feel like that's one
of the things that we can holdmost to ourselves, because we
can lie to everyone else butdeep down we can't lie to our
(05:21):
subconscious mind.
So the first fundamental thing,I believe, is when you start
making promises or you startgiving your word to yourself or
other people, you stick to themand follow through, build that
trust within yourself.
Uh, feel like from that youstart surrounding yourself with
people that I guess you cantrust, because you start to know
yourself a lot more and thenyou know who you want to be
(05:42):
around and I guess the extensionfrom building the fundamentals
to begin with can really extendout into your own external world
.
Lachlan Stuart (05:50):
That's awesome, man, and it's great that you
were able to firstly learn totrust yourself but then also
establish that trust within yourrelationship with your wife as
well, bringing it back toloneliness, and even a bit
before that.
A reason why you said you gotinto drugs was because your fear
of loneliness, and then alsothe hardest part about getting
(06:10):
off was the fear of loneliness.
Can you take us back to, Iguess, the age, because I know
you started drug use at a veryyoung age.
Can you sort of take us back tothat time and give us a bit of
a synapse of what that lookedlike for you?
Ryan McCarthy (06:24):
Yeah, I'll give a little bit more context, asapse
, of what that looked like foryou.
Yeah, and I like I'll give alittle bit more context as well
a little bit before that time,because I'm originally from
england, moved to australia withmom, dad, brother and sister,
and then when I moved there Iwas eight years old, away from
the whole family.
So I think that was probablythe first time where I started
to feel lonely, like adisconnect from community and
people, because while I lived inEngland like we'd always be
(06:45):
around family, all lived on thesame block kind of thing, we
always around each other.
Then we moved to Australia.
It was a big shift for me.
Then we originally moved toAdelaide and then we lived there
until I was 11 years old andthe family moved up to
Queensland and it was my sister,stayed in Adelaide and in
Queensland there was me, mybrother, mum and dad.
But then very quickly mum anddad got a divorce.
(07:06):
Dad went back to England,brother went back to Adelaide
and it was just me and mum inQueensland.
And at the age of 11, I wasreally confused, especially with
dad leaving and the divorce.
I started to come home.
The house would be really emptyand quiet.
So from there on I started toseek external environments and
getting involved with certaingroups of people and started to
(07:27):
get into certain types ofactivity.
And then, when I was 11 yearsold, I tried weed for the first
time and the thing was I didn'teven know what marijuana was.
I just thought it was maybe acigarette.
I was like, oh, I'll just do itbecause the boys are doing it,
maybe it's just a cigarettebecause my mum and dad used to
smoke.
So I guess I just linked itwith that.
But then, from the age of 11,as soon as I tried weed, that
(07:49):
was probably one of the firsttimes in my life, at that point
where I felt, I guess you couldsay, calm and content.
I felt like there was likewe've talked about before about
mastering the chaos.
Lachlan Stuart (08:07):
That was my way of mastering chaos at that time.
There are a lot of parents thatlisten to this show and I can
imagine a question they'rethinking is how do I stop my
11-year-old son getting involvedin drug use?
And I guess no one has a silverbullet.
But if what you were seekingout in that period of time,
would there be any advice thatthat 11-year-old version of
yourself would give to someone?
A parent listening?
Ryan McCarthy (08:30):
Yeah.
So when it comes to parentingbecause at the end of the day,
all of these things are going tobe out in the world drugs and
certain types of groups ofpeople and I think it just comes
down to instilling good valuesinto your children, you know,
and also having discipline,because I find, especially in
(08:50):
today's day and age, maybeparents are too scared to have
set boundaries and rules withtheir kids because maybe labeled
as some sort of child abuse.
But I feel like you still needdiscipline, because me, when I
was 11 years old, I I thought Iknew everything, definitely.
I look back now.
I'm like, that idiot knewnothing.
I needed someone to put me inline.
Lachlan Stuart (09:10):
For sure we need those guardrails yeah.
Ryan McCarthy (09:13):
So I think, setting good values and also, I
believe, when parents getinvolved when they see their
child doing things like drugs,obviously you're going to be
emotional about it.
It's going to be an emotional,reactive thing when you first
hear about it.
But I find that it's best totake a breath.
Don't react with emotion andreact with logic and then also
(09:34):
with that you could probablyweave in the emotion and why I
want you to not get into thispath and why.
The why can come after.
But I think first you can't yourfront foot forward can't be the
emotion.
You've got to stay calm andunderstand and speak to the
child as well.
I think that's anotherimportant part Actually listen
to them and ask them why they'regetting into this, what's led
you to this decision.
(09:55):
Because I find if you havesomeone pointing their finger at
you and saying, don't do this,don't do this, it can kind of
push you in the oppositedirection to want to do it, and
it can kind of push you in theopposite direction to want to do
it.
And I find start with havingthe conversation with them,
understanding the why and fromthere just talk about you know
your values and implementingdiscipline.
But I find probably the firstgood place to start would just
(10:15):
be understanding the why.
Lachlan Stuart (10:17):
Yeah, definitely when we're younger.
I probably think until I wasabout 28,.
If someone told me I couldn'tdo something or shouldn't do
something, I was going to bloodydo it.
And I think to your point there.
When we're younger we don'tnecessarily understand
consequences.
We don't have the foresight tounderstand the impact on other
(10:37):
people as well, almost.
So when we're trying things weare obviously gaining our own
life experience.
But I can't help but think if Iwas a parent, I'm not a parent
yet, so parents correct me ifI'm wrong, but I do believe that
if you can just build such astrong, tight-knit family units
almost what you said you hadback in the UK, ryan, and even
(10:59):
in Adelaide, where you werealways around family, you were
always around good people it'shard to not have the love and
the strong values rub off onchildren and I think the moment
that you lose that, then we allhave wants and needs and we'll
go on almost a scavenger hunt tofind that and sometimes we're
going to get validated in notthe best way, which is probably
(11:21):
what led you down the path totrying weed at such a young age.
Ryan McCarthy (11:25):
Yeah, like you said, it's on point as well,
like the wants and needs,because at the end of the day,
everyone, especially gettinginto that realm, has got a need
that's not being met.
So just looking for a way toget that need met For me it was
drugs, because drugs gave meaccess to a community as well.
Lachlan Stuart (11:42):
Big part.
Community is huge, so fastforward.
So 11, you smoked your firstjoint or ripped a bong or a
tinny.
I'm not sure how it went down,but you got that feeling in.
And what happened from then?
Ryan McCarthy (11:57):
So 11 was weird.
And then when I was 13 years oldI started to like snort pills
and do NDMA and trippers likepills type things.
And then from there I startedsmoking I think it was about 13,
14, smoking this synthetic weedcalled Spice and it's a really
like quite intense drug and Iactually saw a friend of mine
(12:19):
die one night on it andthankfully he came back to life,
but I guess he would have somesort of overdose that scared me
scentless from there on.
That's when I quit smokingspice.
But then from there it didn'tstop me from exploring other
drugs, stupidly enough, becausethen when I was 15, I thought it
was a really good idea to stayup all night and smoke meth and
then go to school the next dayin grade 10.
(12:39):
So my life took, you know, apretty dark turn for the worst.
But then when I was 18 yearsold, that's when I finally made
the decision and stuck with itto get sober From that age, from
11 to 18, which isexperimenting so many different
types of drugs and just doing alot of loose things.
I guess what was it?
Lachlan Stuart (13:00):
like getting on meth.
That is a hard-ass drug man,and a highly addictive one.
From what I've heard, did youjust experiment with that, or is
that one of your go-to onesthat you sort of sat with for a
few years?
Ryan McCarthy (13:14):
No, it wasn't one that I ever got addicted to.
It was the only one that Iexperimented with, thankfully,
because the reason that I smokedice and speed was because I
couldn't get on to weed like anymarijuana, and the only drug
that was available that thedealer could get was ice.
So I was like, yeah, we'll justget some ice.
Lachlan Stuart (13:31):
Something's better than nothing.
Ryan McCarthy (13:33):
Exactly, it was literally.
That's the best way I can sumit up.
When it comes to when I lookback on my addiction, it wasn't
like a specific drug, like weedwas probably the one that I
abused the most, but at the endof the day, it was literally
just any way to get high, justany way to feel something.
I guess you know.
So, thankfully, ice and speedand, you know, crack wasn't
something that I became addictedto, because when I did smoke at
(13:54):
that time I, when I hit it, Iwas like two things this is,
this feels great and that's agood reason why I shouldn't
pursue it yeah, this is good.
Lachlan Stuart (14:05):
It's great that you had the understanding to be
able to knock that in the butter, because it doesn't work out
that well for a lot of people,unfortunately.
But, 18, you decided to kick it.
Was there a moment that madeyou do that, or you were just
fed up?
Ryan McCarthy (14:22):
I was actually thinking about this yesterday
because I was down in Gold Coastfor the weekend and a schoolies
weekend down here in Gold.
Lachlan Stuart (14:29):
Coast.
Ryan McCarthy (14:31):
And when I was down there I was thinking this
was actually the first time Iactually had the thought of
quitting drugs was schoolies, in2014, with the year I was meant
to graduate, because duringschoolies I was just abusing as
many drugs as you can think of.
But by the back end of that,when I finally got home, I
remember reflecting on the weekand reflecting on barely any
(14:53):
sleep, barely any food, feelingjust absolutely horrible.
And that was the first time Ireally questioned my own actions
and what I'm doing and if it'sreally benefited me.
And then, after school, therewas a break from November to
February.
And then in February 2015,.
I remember I got back from ahouse party and I had a typical
(15:15):
green out.
People know what a green out is.
It's like when you mix alcoholand weed and you start vomiting
and I got really sick.
And then I woke up the nextmorning and I was like you know
what I'm gonna see if I can quitweed, because I was like, from
wake up to sleep, from the ageof 11, this is the one thing
that I haven't been able to goout, go without.
So then, thankfully enough, Iwas able to stop smoking weed.
(15:37):
But my stupid idea at the timewas I'll stop smoking weed, I'll
just abuse every other drug,even the holder, because I was
like, if I can quit weird, itshould give me the confidence to
quit everything in total.
Um, and this is not merecommending to anyone please,
if you're you know getting soberfrom drugs, don't do it my way.
I think I kind of got lucky,but what happened was I quit
weird.
(15:57):
And then, september that sameyear, um, I then eventually got
clean from every other drugbecause in my own mindset I set
myself up to say if I can quitthis one thing and stick with it
, I can quit everything else.
And then, on my 18th birthday,I believe was my last time ever
touching the drug.
Lachlan Stuart (16:15):
Congrats, man.
So you were about nine years.
Yeah, you would be nine years.
Just over nine years.
Well done.
How's your relationship with itnow?
So obviously at that point youmade that decision.
But is there ever any socialenvironments or social settings
where you feel the the cravingor the urge?
Or have you sort of justcompletely outgrown that phase
(16:36):
of your life, I would say?
Ryan McCarthy (16:39):
I have had urges.
It's not like where I'm sittingat home and I want it, it's
like maybe in the last nine orlast five years, let's say, I
probably had the urge once to doit Just out of curiosity,
because you can kind ofdisassociate from your own past
if that makes sense.
But overall not at all, becauseI've been around it still a lot,
(17:00):
not in the last three years,but I guess the first four to
five years becoming clean.
I was still around it everyweekend, I was hanging around
the same people and I just neverhad the urge.
I feel like just some sort ofswitch happened in my mind.
I just made a decision that Iknew was the right decision.
I just stuck with it.
I think that was another way ofme coming back to trust, with
building trust for myself,making a word with myself that
(17:25):
I'll never do it again, stickingwith it, and I feel like that
has been a big foundation oftrust for myself too.
Lachlan Stuart (17:31):
not going back.
It's huge.
And a key thing you said thatjumped out at me then was making
a decision.
I feel a lot of people reallystruggle to commit to the
decisions.
They're obviously not keepingtheir words, but it's like I
want to get in shape, or I wantto take 12 months off the booze,
or I want to be a betterhusband or partner or whatever,
or I want to earn more money,but they're not committed to
(17:54):
that decision.
They're just throwing it outthere half-assed, and I think
once you really sort of look atyourself and look at the results
that you're getting within yourlife, it's a great reflection
of whether you are actuallycommitted or you're just still
toying with that idea.
And obviously, nine years soberRyan, it's a great example of
(18:14):
being committed and reallybacking that decision.
Ryan McCarthy (18:17):
Yeah, and I found as well.
I was always trying to find away to make an excuse, like, oh,
I can't do it this week.
It's so-and-so's birthday onthe weekend, you know, and
they're like, it's that person'sbirthday, what happened?
There's something else thatcome up?
I'm just finding a way just totalk myself out of making the
decision.
I know I need to do.
Yeah, at the end of the day,everything we make is a choice.
You know whether it's helpfulor unhelpful.
(18:39):
You just gotta understand whereyou want to go in life, and and
that's why I found, you know.
So the question whether I wantto go and the vision that I had
didn't align with the actions Iwas taking.
So I just had to make adecision to change my actions.
Lachlan Stuart (18:51):
When you made that decision.
Was it easy for you?
Nope.
Ryan McCarthy (18:56):
So getting clean at 18, from 18 to 20, was the
hardest years of my life,because from 11 to 18, I guess
you could somewhat say that'swhen you start becoming a bit
more conscious of the world andyourself.
But for me I suppressedeverything during that time.
So 18, that was the first timeI really felt emotions like to
(19:16):
the actual depth of things, likedepression, anxiety, were the
most common ones.
So 18 to 20, it got to thepoint where I'll be sitting in
my bedroom my best mate willcome over, who I've known for
years, and I'll be shaking in myroom physically like not being
able to leave, just because Iwas so like in my own head with
anxiety to go and leave the roomand say hello to him and that
(19:36):
was a bit of a hurdle to getover.
Um, but that 18 to 20 wasdefinitely the hardest time of
my life it's definitely wheneveryone else starts to party
and experiment as well.
Lachlan Stuart (19:47):
You sort of got a nine-year head start on
everyone, so as you're sort ofdusting your hands cleaner but
everyone's sort of diving intoit, so it probably comes back to
that isolation and lonelinessthat you experienced as well.
Can we jump back there now?
So loneliness was somethingthat you were fearing.
Can you sort of expand on thatand unpack that a bit?
(20:08):
Just so I'd love to know whatwas going through your head,
what the biggest fears that youwere, I guess experiencing as a
result of being isolated andbeing alone.
Ryan McCarthy (20:23):
I feel like especially just humans in
general.
We just want to fit in ingroups.
Maybe, if you want to look backthrough history, it comes down
to survival and thinking that wehave to fit into the tribe so
we can survive.
And for me, I just wanted tofit in, felt like I belonged,
because I feel like movingaround a lot, because even
(20:43):
before family split, from theage I was born to the age of 15,
I think I lived in about over30 houses, while I was moving,
yeah, so I never felt any momentof just like a steady ship just
at all.
So that was another part of itfor me, which is trying to find
(21:05):
something steady, and for me Ihad my friends, I had drugs and
it just felt like things werejust comfortable and normal for
once in my life too.
Lachlan Stuart (21:15):
And that's nearly a house every two years.
Talk about instability,especially in some of the most
formative, I guess, years ofyour life, establishing
friendships and just looking tobe able to learn and grow in a
safe environment.
That's very challenging for youto do while you're constantly
moving, but obviously,unfortunately not everyone has
the luxury of you know whetheryou have to move from military
(21:38):
or whatever life eventsencourage or force people to
move.
It's definitely challenging.
Do you feel there could havebeen anything done during those
years that would have helped yousort of navigate that a bit
better?
Done during those years thatwould have helped you sort of
navigate that a bit better?
Ryan McCarthy (21:55):
it's hard to say, because the first thing that
came to mind was a mentor.
But when I reflect back on whothe who I was back then, I feel
like if a mentor did come in mylife, I would have rejected it
anyway, like I wouldn't haveallowed it to be in my space for
sure.
Lachlan Stuart (22:09):
So yeah, I'm kind of struggling to find an
answer for that because, um, atthat time I was very
closed-minded yeah, well, that'sa big part, like I'll say,
growth and fixed mindset,because I would imagine most
people listening to this areaware of that, but maybe you
weren't aware of what thatlooked like.
I sure as hell wasn't aware ofthe difference between a fixed
(22:30):
or growth mindset, or the factthat you could even change how
you thought about things or youresponded to things.
That was sort of one of thegreatest things that ever
happened to me and allowed me tochange my life, when I realized
that the way that I thoughtabout myself, the way that I
thought about the world, couldbe changed.
I just had to change my inputsand really challenge, or firstly
, identify things that I didn'tlike, challenge them and figure
(22:53):
out what I needed to do tochange those things.
But you're mentioningmentorship.
There as well, you've become amentor to a lot of people.
Over the 2021 was when youlaunched your podcast.
I think even prior to that,you'd been working in mental
health for three years.
Can you, I guess, give?
Ryan McCarthy (23:17):
us a snapshot on how you got into that space and
what made you want to launch apodcast as well?
Yeah, definitely.
It's actually um, yeah, it'spretty cool story and it's
something that I feel like godmade happen for me because of
the way it happened.
It all kind of fell into place.
So what happened was that whenI was 20 years old so back in
around 2018, I started to comeon the back end of dealing with
depression and social anxietyand anxiety and all the things
(23:39):
that I really wanted to find theway to share how I'm feeling
and hopefully, like inspirespeople in my own little
community where I grew up.
So I started up an Instagrampage, which is now called One
Talk, but before I rebranded it,it was called Mental Health
Experience.
That was just a way for me totry and bring awareness and
hopefully help people around me.
And then, through doing that, Igot a DM from a lady who was a
(24:03):
mate from school's girlfriend.
She goes I've been seeing whatyou've been doing online and
helping people.
I'd love for you to come andvolunteer at this residential
housing for mental health like asales house.
I was like, yeah, I'd love todo that.
You know, take the next stepand actually be proactive in
supporting people.
So I started volunteering therefor about three months.
They eventually offered me ajob, started casually, got
(24:25):
part-time and then I got offereda job from a different place
doing full-time case managementwith adults and mental health.
Then from there on it's justkind of been evolving and
getting bigger and doingdifferent things to a point now
where I'm a case manager for ayouth service and also I do one
talks over like workshops ofevents, podcasting.
(24:47):
It all started from startingthis Instagram page and then
just winging it.
Lachlan Stuart (24:52):
That's so cool, man.
When you started the page, wasthere any hesitation or fear
about doing it, or you just hadthe idea and got stuck into it?
Ryan McCarthy (25:01):
I was shitting myself, because I was like the
only people that knew I wasgoing through a struggle,
because people would see me outand about and I was quite a
familiar face where I I grew up,it's like you know I'd always
bump into people at the shop andalways talk to people, but no
one knew what I was goingthrough my own personal life.
So I started posting onlinelike I was like it's, I feel
(25:22):
like I'm about to expose myselfto the world.
You know I was absolutelybeckoning it but, um, yeah,
overcoming that fear and justdoing it anyway and
understanding this is my passionand if people hate, that's more
of a reflection of them ratherthan it is me and telling myself
all these little things toconvince me to do it.
And then one day I was like,let's just do it.
(25:43):
What's the worst that couldhappen?
Lachlan Stuart (25:45):
were you driven?
Do you think you were drivenmore by the pain of the
situation that you were in orthe pleasure of what you could
create and the impact that youcould have?
Ryan McCarthy (25:56):
definitely the second part, the impact that I
could have, because I foundbeing a service to others is the
thing that made me feel thebest.
So I wanted to find a way togive time and energy and just be
able to help people because Iknew in return it would help me
as well.
So there's like a selfishself-assist to the selfishness.
So I found there's a reallygood way to overcome my own
(26:17):
stuff through helping otherpeople and be like a bit of a
peer support worker in a waywhere you can kind of share your
own life lessons.
But I guess along the journeyof me helping others I learned
so much more about myself andwas able to start doing a lot
more deeper work on myself too.
Lachlan Stuart (26:33):
Yeah, it's definitely hard to feel bad
after you've helped someone out.
So I always find myself, if I'min a shitty mood, I'll sort of
go for a walk and I'll find myway to.
You know, whether it's just tomake someone smile or wave at
someone, that I'm trying tobrighten someone else's day up.
It sounds super cliche and I'mnot obviously walking the
streets just waving like abloody Ronald McDonald, but I'll
(26:54):
always try to go out of my wayto meet someone because I know
if I can find out what's goingon in their life, my problems
sort of take a back seat andthen I can focus on other people
.
And then I realized a lot ofthe shit that I was stressing
out didn't actually matter inthe first place.
I was just in a bit of a rut atthat point in time.
But going then into, you'vementioned you've worked with a
(27:17):
lot of people and you'relearning a lot from people as
well.
Is there any conversations thatyou've had whether they're
people that you've worked withor people that guests that
you've had on your podcastlessons that have really shifted
your perspective on improvingyour life or your mental health,
or anything like that?
Ryan McCarthy (27:33):
yeah, there's been loads.
I think you'd also relate withthis without having the podcast
like the, I've been able tointerview people and dive into
their mind and get like an houror two of their time.
Like the amount of stuff youcan learn is just incredible and
it's always usually people thatyou're personally interested in
.
I would say you're definitelyone of them because when I
interviewed, I would say you'redefinitely one of them, because
(27:53):
when I interviewed you, lachlan,that was one of my first
podcasts where I really wantedto dive into the mindset of men
and the mental health of men.
Yep, I learned a lot around whatyou talked about before of
being able to control your ownoutcomes in life through making
decisions, and that was for me,you know, like a really big
piece of advice.
I was able to start sharingwith other people, but that made
(28:14):
me more curious to interviewother people on my podcast as
well.
But I find mainly in my podcastI've been able to interview so
many people and learn so much.
I'm trying to think of likespecifics, because there's so
much that I've learned thatMastering Chaos one I learned
from a guy called Mo Hussoon andhe's an addiction counselor.
(28:34):
I mean I was speaking with him,he said to get to the PhD on
Master Chaos and he spoke to mea lot in depth about that.
Yeah there's so many examplesI'm kind of struggling to think
of many on the spot.
Lachlan Stuart (28:46):
No, that's cool and I think, to back your point
up, I've spoken to hundreds ofpeople and every episode I walk
away going.
Even this one I'm like, sofired up and inspired and
re-energized and I'll walk awaygoing.
This is the best podcast I'vedone.
I don't think it's ever goingto be topped.
(29:06):
You can't compare twoconversations and what you take
away, but then it just inspiresyou in a different way, whether
it's someone's personal story,maybe, how they give you a
framework to work throughsomething, but what it comes
down to for me is, I think, alot of people we're all trying
to get across the same thing inour own way, but I think we all
(29:29):
have the one thing in commonwhere we just hope that people
look to implement differentstrategies or try different
things to improve their qualityof life, really build that
toolkit up, and whether that'sto improve their finances, their
marriages or their mentalhealth, they can all sort of
mold together to make a reallygreat outcome.
Ryan McCarthy (29:50):
Yeah, 100% as well.
And then, as you were talking,I actually had two examples come
to my head because I wasthinking.
I was like I want to answeryour question.
So the first one would be so anold team leader of mine named
Travis and he was probably thefirst person in the industry to
really see something in me andbelieve me before I even
believed in myself, and he tookme under his wing and, I guess,
(30:12):
mentored me into working in thecommunity.
And one thing he taught me, themost important thing.
He said you know what theaverage career is in this
industry?
And I was like oh, I'm not toosure.
And he goes usually two years.
I'm like so I've got two yearsand I've got to find a new job.
And he's like like, no, thereason it's like, the reason
(30:38):
it's two years, is becausepeople burn out, because they
don't look after themselves.
He goes.
If you're spending 40 hours aweek in service of others for
this job and you're doing yourpodcasts and doing your events,
he's like where do you feel likeyou're going to be in two years
?
You don't look after yourself.
First I was like you know what?
That's a really good piece ofadvice and it was massive on
looking after myself first,before coming to work and
helping people and speaking,making sure that I am doing the
(30:59):
things that I know need to bedone for me in order to serve
others.
And then the second one would bethis uh, closer, I've got
beyond me, says the marathoncontinues, so the marathon
continues is a musician namedNipsey Hussle, who's now passed
away, but Nipsey Hussle had asaying called the Marathon
Continues, and that was a reallybig thing for me, beginning on
(31:19):
this journey, but also still tothis day, because it's a
constant reminder to not uselife as a sprint.
If you look more at a marathon,a longer marathon, you'll know
Lockie, with all the running andthe crazy stuff you do, yeah,
yeah you need to hydrate.
You need to stop.
You need to hydrate.
You need to do a pit stop everynow and then and check in.
You need to have your gels orwhatever it is.
(31:40):
You know like you need to dothe things along the way on the
marathon to be able to get tothe finish line.
And if you treat a 42 kilometerrun as a sprint, you're going
to gas out by five to 10 Ks andbe no good to yourself or you
will not even be able to finishthe marathon.
But if you treat it at a pace,eventually you're going to get
to the finish line.
I think that's probably one ofthe best ways to do it too
(32:01):
Definitely.
Lachlan Stuart (32:02):
And I think a lot of people overestimate what
they can achieve in 12 monthsand underestimate what they can
achieve in 12 years or 10 years,and that's why a lot of people
sort of peel off and don'treally see their goals through.
And one thing within ouracademy we always work within a
12-week game plan, because it'slong enough that you can achieve
tangible results and it'senough that it gives you a
(32:25):
timeframe where the motivationstays high.
If you were to try and set 12months now, after about six
weeks, most people lose interestand there's not enough feedback
working for people.
And that way, within a 12-weekblock for me it's always is this
goal going to lead me to thenext step or next level of what
I'm trying to achieve within 12months or five years?
And that way I'm gettingrealistic feedback around.
(32:49):
One am I genuinely interested init?
If I am cool, continue?
Two, are the actions that I'mtaking right now moving me in
the right direction?
Three, are the people in mycorner the right people to be
part of this mission with me?
And four, is my skill setaround how I show up and what I
know enough to do that, or do Ineed to keep investing in little
(33:11):
side quests to upskill thoseareas, and that's what helps me
sort of play the long game andbringing it back into marathons.
It is you need new shoes, youneed your hydration, you need
your sleep, but you need yoursupport team.
They're all so important but inthe beginning you don't know
that, especially when you're ayoung, testosterone fueled male,
you just want to get out thereand just go fucking hard.
(33:32):
That's how we operate it yeah,exactly.
Ryan McCarthy (33:36):
Yeah, like you said, man too, it's spot on.
People overestimate what theycan do in the short term than
underestimate what they can doin the long term.
The fire having the plan, then.
Also not being so rigid on howto get to the end goal either,
because, like you said, the boatyou get to five kilometers and
the shoes that you're wearingthey're actually the size too
small.
You need to get a differentpair of shoes on to be able to
(33:56):
finish the marathon.
You know, like not being sostuck in, uh, I guess the
template you set for thismarathon, instead of being a lot
more fluid and being open todifferent ways to finish it.
Lachlan Stuart (34:08):
What did it mean ?
To have Travis take you underhis wing?
You said he believed in youbefore you believed in yourself.
What did that mean to you?
Ryan McCarthy (34:17):
It meant the world, because I feel like if he
didn't believe in me, Iwouldn't be sitting here today.
I don't mean like in terms ofbeing alive, I mean in terms of
like being on this podcast andfollowing in this mission.
I might have fell back into oneof the other jobs I was doing
beforehand, because when Istarted working within mental
health, I still didn't feel likeI had the authority to be there
(34:40):
, because I was 20 years old atthe time and I was working with
40-year-olds, 45-year-olds,50-year-olds.
I'm like how am I meant tosupport someone that's so much
older than me?
Will they listen to me?
Will they respect me?
Because I don't have the lifeexperience?
But then he also said to me hegoes, man, you're 20 years old,
but you've lived 40 years withthe stories you've told me.
(35:01):
And I was like that's true, youknow, trust your wisdom, trust
your instincts and just go forit anyway.
And I was like, yep, you'reright.
So just like have just thebelief of someone else sometimes
can really uplift you andmotivate you to a point where
you build momentum, where youhave that for yourself.
Lachlan Stuart (35:17):
It's one of the things that inspires me most
about you and bringing it backto that, travis believed in you
and you believe in a lot ofpeople and you give people
multiple opportunities to learnfrom you and be inspired by you
and take action with you, andwhether it's through putting
their headphones in andlistening to an episode of the
podcast or you've created youknow, you did the podcast live
(35:37):
tour you do these mentors andworkshops.
It gives people the opportunityfor you to be able to breathe
belief into them, and one of thebiggest challenges I feel men,
and especially young men, arefacing is we don't have the role
models.
We don't even know we haveaccess to mentors.
I didn't know that I could bementored by other men outside of
(35:58):
my direct circle and it wasn'tuntil I started paying for
coaching that I also saw thathey, there are actually just
other blokes out there who willgive you an hour every couple of
weeks for a coffee and you canpick their brain and just having
that guidance can completelychange your life.
So I think what you're doing isreally inspiring and very much
needed for a lot of men outthere and, to add to that, for
(36:22):
men listening to this, or evenparents listening to this, who
have young boys especially and Iguess the same for women, but I
always talk to men and boys iswe need to give your young
children or your husbands oryour boyfriends the opportunity
to be around good men.
And that looks different forall of us, but I believe having
(36:43):
strong ethics and morals andvalues is important, and the
opportunity to get away and gothrough almost like a rite of
passage is so important becausemany men are walking around as
young boys trying to do a man'srole and we're emotionally not
ready for that and we physicallyaren't ready for that.
So having the opportunity to bearound other men who can lift
(37:04):
them up, build them up and teachthem the skills and shine the
perspective that we need tothrive is super important, and
you're doing that work right, soI just wanted to acknowledge
that absolutely likewise for youtoo, man.
Ryan McCarthy (37:16):
You're doing that too, and I think it's so
important, especially forcircles of people to be out
there where people can jointhose circles.
You know those good circles ofmentors.
And one place that I really dosee good, especially for young
people, is a boxing gym.
There's like a massive in theboxing and, like I was at a
fight event, um, about two weeksago they had the little peewee
(37:39):
kids fighting like littleeight-year-olds.
You're just seeing theseeight-year-olds.
They've done like a camp.
They've done the nutrition,they've done the training,
they've learned the discipline,they got the willpower to
overcome and fears.
They got good mentors aroundthem who have been involved in
these circles for so long aswell, like the skills these kids
are learning at eight years old.
It's just incredible, you know,and there's so many different
ways you can learn those samecharacteristics outside of
(38:01):
boxing as well.
But it comes down to, like yousaid, just finding those good
men, and I think that's whyhaving social media is also
awesome as well.
It's a good thing about socialmedia because we're able to
connect circles of people fromall around the world that we can
connect with.
Lachlan Stuart (38:16):
I think to your point around boxing.
I grew up, I did a little bitof Muay Thai but I know a lot of
my parents didn't want megetting into that environment
because it was violent.
But I think, if you flip it onits head, the reason why the
training camps are so successful, the discipline is so
successful, the respect that thepeople learn in that is so
successful, is because if youfuck up you'll get beat up and
(38:38):
it's not like playing.
I guess I played a lot of rugbyand stuff like that.
Yeah, it's physical, but if youdecided to skip training or
whatever, you weren't guaranteedto get your ass kicked.
But if you don't prepare for aboxing match, you're going to
get your ass kicked and no onewants to get their ass kicked.
So that's where it can beextremely powerful for you to
(39:00):
sort of maintain the disciplineand learn how important that is,
because that's transferable tolife.
Life has consequences andsometimes it sucks, sometimes we
get a bad hand out to us, butit's how you respond.
Ryan McCarthy (39:12):
once again, the things that we've covered,
people you have around you, allof that 100, and that's because
me and my wife are expecting ourfirst child on christmas eve,
actually.
So dude congrats how good, yeah, so we're having the baby boy
and I was actually complimentingthis as well for him and his
growing up, because me I'mmassive with soccer.
(39:34):
It's kind of like my secondreligion.
Lachlan Stuart (39:36):
Who do you support?
Ryan McCarthy (39:37):
Liverpool.
Lachlan Stuart (39:39):
I'm a.
Ryan McCarthy (39:39):
Tottenham fan.
It's not Manchester United, sothat's good.
Lachlan Stuart (39:43):
Yeah, I know, tottenham's all good.
Ryan McCarthy (39:47):
I was thinking because I really wanted to play
soccer, because it's a bigpassion of mine, but then I was
like like, all right, where's hegoing to find discipline and
all these other things?
Because the soccer, like yousaid, with rugby, it's the same.
You know, like you can skiptraining and you can go the next
week and there's noconsequences.
So I was like on the side, gethim doing boxing even if he
doesn't want to fight.
Just train and just be around.
(40:08):
You know, be around otherpeople that are disciplined and
that are resilient and that arealso overcome with fears every
time they step into that placeas well do you feel there's
benefit that comes from alsofeeling like you can handle
yourself as well?
yeah, 100, because I find,especially when you're insecure
about your own abilities, I feellike you can act out to try and
(40:29):
prove yourself, which can getyou in a lot of trouble.
I feel like when you are sosure of what you're capable of,
you're able to make morecalculated decisions rather than
acting out to try and testyourself, if that makes sense.
Lachlan Stuart (40:42):
Definitely.
How does it feel moving intofatherhood?
Ryan McCarthy (40:48):
It's awesome, like I'm super keen.
It was the biggest goal of mine, but I actually was having a
few thoughts come up which I'venow feel like I've shaped.
I'm kind of keen to hear yourown thoughts on what I've been
thinking around this as well,because the first thing that
came up was like I need to be abetter man, I need to be a
better husband, I need to be abetter father when the kid comes
(41:08):
Like I just need to improve inall aspects of life.
Lachlan Stuart (41:11):
And that wasn't.
Ryan McCarthy (41:12):
I wasn, when the kid comes, like I just need to
improve in all aspects of life.
And that wasn't.
I wasn't saying or thinkingthat in a way where I don't feel
like I'm good enough.
I just felt like I have anotherlevel in me to step up in.
And when I was thinking aboutit to begin with I was a bit
confused on why I was feelingthis, but then, after a bit of
reflection, I started to thinkwell, this is a good thing
because it shows that I care andI want to be the best father,
husband and man that I can belike.
(41:32):
Use this calling as a way toexplore ways to step up and
become that better father orbetter husband and better man in
general.
So once I came to thatconclusion but that was a lot
more easy, because now it's likeI take the steps that you feel
like may get you there, and nowit's a lot of trial and error.
But the first thing that came tomind was my son's going to see
(41:54):
me through his eyes and he'sprobably gonna.
That's probably going to be thefirst type of role model thing
he's going to get from me.
So I was like I need to be inthe best physical shape I can
possibly be.
Because I was like I don't wantmy kid to see me as someone who
can't really move around and abit overweight and struggling,
you know, like I want my kid tosee me be fit, ripped, active.
So I was like, yeah, thebiggest goal now is to make sure
that I'm in the most peakphysical condition I can be in,
(42:16):
so when my son is here he seesme and goes well, like that is a
physical role model and thenafter that I can start
implementing all the otherthings it's cool that you talk
about that, because people arealways watching us and people
say we shouldn't judge others,but I think judgment is not
always a bad thing.
Lachlan Stuart (42:36):
It's almost like how we can measure ourself and
look to learn things that we dowant or don't want in our life,
which is very powerful, becausethen we can ask people hey, ryan
, you're super jacked at themoment and you've got a kid.
How have you done that?
How have you managed to do allof that?
Because then I can takelearnings and insights and
perspectives from you.
So I think there's definitely alot of positive parts to that
(42:58):
you mentioned.
You had that experience whereyou wanted to get better.
Do you have an idea around whatbetter looks like or what
success looks like for youmoving forward, especially as a
dad?
Ryan McCarthy (43:14):
I said this on the other podcast as well and I
think it does stay the samebecause for me, success is
raising a family that is full oflove and that is, I guess, I
think, the success of the familyis like, because I was speaking
about this, I actually did apodcast with my wife.
I'm going on different pocketshere, but what I did was I did a
(43:39):
podcast with my wife and wetalked about how to be a role
model for my son and thenpotentially a daughter one day,
if I have a daughter.
So I was like for success forthe son, you know it's being
able to be raised and look afterthe family and all that type of
stuff.
But for the daughter, like Iwant to be a good role model in
like an emotional space for hertoo.
So I was thinking about how canyou balance, I guess, the guy
(43:59):
with the man, I guess thefeminine with the woman in the
household to make thatsuccessful?
And I think it's just me and mywife being examples of that
within the family.
You know, like me the masculinehair is the feminine and also
how I treat her and how shetreats me, and just raising the
family as best as we can justfull of love, and for me that is
success.
Man.
Lachlan Stuart (44:20):
That's awesome.
It's essentially modeling whatyou had and making sure you
don't lose that as well andenter that void of loneliness as
well.
Ryan McCarthy (44:29):
Yeah, because outside that, like I do want
loads of other things, you know,like for the business.
I want success for otheradventures in life, like there
is success, but at the end ofthe day, I think the most
important thing for me is havinga happy, loving family.
So for me, like, if I have toreally refine it down to one
thing, I think that's the mostimportant one it's beautiful man
(44:52):
like I was talking with my wifeearlier.
Lachlan Stuart (44:54):
We went for a walk and we were talking about
that as well.
You know we've got an awesomelife.
We travel a lot, butfinancially we're in the worst
position we've been in a numberof years just because we
invested so much moving overseasand the american dollar isn't
the best, but, as we were saying, we're like we're still
accumulating so many incrediblelife experiences and memories
(45:16):
and stories to tell.
So, even though we don't havethe financial freedom that we
had 12 months ago or 18 monthsago, we're working towards
getting that back in a newcountry but we are doing what we
wanted to do.
We're living a great life and,at the end of the day, what is
most important to us is exactlywhat you said.
It's having that loving familysupport and making sure that,
(45:39):
regardless of what's going on onthe outside, like you've always
got each other's back andyou're always there.
I think that's the mostimportant thing.
It's really hard to buildbecause it takes constant work
and we're dealing with people'semotions and everything like
that, but at the end of the day,everything else can build from
that exactly, man, and like yousaid as well, because, like, I
feel like one of the best thingsthat we can take is the
(46:01):
experiences of life.
Ryan McCarthy (46:02):
You know like it may cost a bit of financial and
it can be stressful because thewhole world works on financial
and we have to, you know,provide in that sense, but I
find, if you are trading it forexperience and memories, and
it's well worth it becausetomorrow's not promised.
And I was actually reflectingon that when, um, I believe you
know jackson tippett as well,but when jackson passed I was
(46:24):
like shit, like tomorrow isliterally not part of promise.
We've only got these momentsthat we have literally right now
.
And I was thinking like I wasthinking like the experience of
life, and when I reflect back onlife, some of the best moments
I have isn't the money that I'vemade, it's the experience that
I've had and the people I hadthem with.
Lachlan Stuart (46:41):
Yeah, man, it's sad of Jackson's passing and it
exactly reminded me of the samething.
Like we've got to, it justsnaps you back to reality of
what's actually important.
Every day we're being, I guess,guided to think that other
things are extremely importantand life is full of seasons and
there's a season for making asmuch money, there's a season for
(47:03):
family, but overall, if youwere to look back, you're not
going to care about that howmuch money you made or anything
like that.
It's who you meet, theexperiences that you had, the
wine that you shared with thosepeople, and just the stories
that you could.
Pretty much the easiest way Isummarize it for myself is if I
was reading my book and onceagain this is very cliche would
(47:24):
I be interested by the chapters?
Or is it just chapter one go towork.
Chapter two go to work, chapterthree go to work.
And it's like, if that is yourreality, which was mine for a
long time and it still is to adegree, how can I spice those
chapters up a little bit?
Is it doing some weekends away,afternoon things, taking a risk
?
What does that look like?
Ryan McCarthy (47:44):
Yeah, exactly right, and doing those little
things, like even we went toGold Coast on the weekend and we
didn't realize when we plannedto go.
Lachlan Stuart (47:52):
we went to gold coast on the weekend and we
didn't realize when we plannedto go.
That was schoolies weekend.
Ryan McCarthy (47:59):
So they're like this week when we went like shit
schoolies.
But then, like now, we'rereflecting back on like that's
kind of like a memory for usthat we accidentally booked on
the same weekend and you knowlike, but being able to do
things like that, you know, Ifeel like it is a blessing that
we have the opportunities to gofor, like, a weekend away or go
traveling overseas and be ableto still make more money to
(48:20):
create more memories ryanmccarthy, host of one talk
podcast.
Lachlan Stuart (48:27):
Everyone.
If you've got as much valuefrom this conversation as I have
, make sure you go over andcheck out the OneTalk podcast,
even if he gets back on the roaddoing the OneTalk podcast live,
get around and see thatexperience.
I'm very keen to check that out.
Mate, it's been an absolutepleasure chatting with you.
I'd love to do it again soon.
I'm also very excited to watchyou move into the next season of
(48:49):
your life, as you become anincredible dad.
I can speak on behalf of somany people that you've inspired
.
You are an incredible rolemodel.
You will be an amazing fatherand I can imagine you're an
amazing husband as well.
So continue doing the greatwork and thank you so much for
your time.
Ryan McCarthy (49:06):
I appreciate that brother.
I appreciate it heaps and thankyou for having me.
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