S3E45 - THE CHALLENGES OF FOSTERING TO ADOPT, FOSTER MOM CRISTAL BAEZ - LOVE YOUR NOW COMADRE - Mind Your Own Karma - Beyond The Bandage

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hurt people, hurt people, and I know that.
I'm aware of that and I've seen that.
I truly believe the system is what help what what helped
create this mess. The system let down my kids, the
system let down their parents. It's the system.

(00:20):
Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti, and welcome to the
Mind Your Own Karma podcast. Hey there, Karma crew, thanks
for joining me for this episode of Mind Your Own Karma, The

(00:41):
Adoption Chronicles. Today I have.
Crystal Baez on the show Crystalis a dedicated foster mother
whose journey into the world of fostering was driven by a
profound desire to adopt and create a loving, healing home
for children in need. She is still in the process of
adopting and found the journey complex as she navigates not

(01:03):
only the foster system, but her foster children's needs and
struggles as well. Crystal is also a spiritual life
coach and founder of Love Your Now Camadre, where she empowers
others on their journeys of selfdiscovery and healing.
Crystal's personal and professional experiences has

(01:23):
fostered a deep understanding oftrauma's complexities.
She illuminates the layers of identity, loss, and resilience
that shape individuals, advocating for healing,
authenticity, and community. Her mission is to help others
find strength and vulnerability and embrace their spiritual

(01:44):
journey. Here is my interview with
Crystal Baez. We are welcoming my friend
Crystal to the show. Today.
Hello. Hi, everyone.
So Crystal is a foster parent and hopeful adoptive parent, and
she's kind of shared with me that she's had some challenges

(02:07):
and eye opening things happen along the way.
And so I thought we'd bring her on the show and hopefully, you
know, see what has happened and what's educated her and what
she's found out and discovered through this process.
So welcome to the show. Yeah.
So let's just start with, can you tell us a little bit about

(02:28):
how you first became a foster tothese kids?
And, you know, what was the journey like from beginning to
foster to deciding that you wanted to adopt?
OK. Yeah, absolutely.
I love that question. You know, I have always known
that I did not want to have biological kids.

(02:51):
I don't know why it just was something since a child that it
was just a part of this knowing.So I think that that played a
huge role in this decision as I became an adult because when,
when I was married, because now I'm divorced, but when I was

(03:12):
married with my then husband, we, we also like, he also agreed
he didn't want to have biological children for his own
reasons. And, but we didn't know where to
start. And so when we started moving
forward in the direction, I knewthat adoption was something I

(03:34):
was open to. I, I knew that because, and,
and, and I think a lot of peoplealways ask, well, why not
biologically? Like you could have had a
surrogate, like a surrogate mother, You know, there's,
there's all kinds of ways for you not to carry the pregnancy.
And I would tell people I know, but I, I want to break my
generational trauma. Like that's honestly where it

(03:56):
started from. I grew up in a household with an
alcoholic father, a codependent mother.
Her codependency was also violent.
So I grew up with the domestic violence in the household with
my father and my mother taking it out on us as children.
So I knew I didn't want to carrythat bloodline, you know, to, to

(04:18):
be very honest and, and transparent.
So I, I figured that would be the best way not to do it.
And so that's why biologically was never the option.
But when we looked into adoption, I'm the kind of person
who likes to do my research before I make a decision.

(04:38):
I like to make sure what's the best route.
And also, I don't know, I, I just, I, I truly believe that
knowledge is power. And so the more I was aware of
which route to take, the better decision I can make.
And so that's when we decided togo through the foster to foster

(04:59):
to adopt option. We looked into private adoption,
we looked into overseas adoption, we looked into all of
them and it all just sounded wrong.
It just, it, all of it sounded so wrong.
And I just, I wasn't comfortable.
I would, I didn't, it didn't feel good.

(05:19):
It didn't feel nice. And part of my research was also
getting the other side of the story.
I, I truly believe there's two sides to every story.
And so I dug in deep to make sure I, I was getting the full
spectrum of the from adults who were adopted and their
experiences, from the adoptive parents and their experience.

(05:44):
And so, yeah, the more I looked into it, private adoption was
just not the route I wanted to take.
My husband and I or my ex-husband and I at that time,
we're also working in the socialservices field.
So I also knew first hand that tremendous amount of need that
the foster care system had. Like need.
Like there's just such a huge need because I worked in the

(06:06):
field of the domestic violence, sexual assault and human
trafficking and my ex-husband was a therapist.
So we knew like we knew. And so just foster care just
seemed like the the the right move.
I was trauma informed. So I also knew that whichever
children were going to come intoour home, we're going to come
with their own sets of traumas. And I knew that I had that

(06:30):
awareness. And so that's how it started
off. And once we got into the foster
care system, that's where I started to see things in a very
different perspective as well. Because in foster care, I
believe that there's, again, there's two sides to every story

(06:55):
and there's a huge push for reunification, which I'm all
for. And I, and I understand,
especially because these are children who are older, You
know, they're not the babies, they're, they're older.
And so it was an experience to see that.
And also what happened was that it triggered a lot of my own
insecurities, my own fears, my own abandonment wounds, my own

(07:18):
rejection was like, so much was happening and I was like, what
did I get myself into? But nonetheless, I, I'm grateful
that this was the path I've I'vetaken and and I've learned a lot
throughout the throughout that. So that's, that's a little bit
of what brought me into the foster care.
I have been a foster parent for going on.

(07:42):
Oh, I just celebrated my four years.
Yeah, it's, it's adjusted for years.
Out of those four years, three of them have been with the
children that are currently placed with me.
And hopefully it will go into adoption.
The thing is that it's it's not a simple black and white.
There's so many added layers to that.

(08:03):
And I think that's what adds to the timeline.
But yeah, it's been, it's been ajourney.
Yeah. So you mentioned that when you
were working in the social services about human
trafficking, there's a lot of adoptees that feel like adoption
is human trafficking. How do you feel about that?

(08:23):
Oh, I absolutely agree. IA lot of people don't like to
hear that because, you know, they, they, they think human
trafficking is it's sex trafficking.
You know, that's where a lot of people automatically put their
minds to, but they, they also don't don't realize that labor

(08:46):
trafficking is, is another part of human trafficking.
But when it comes to babies, especially overseas or or even
just domestic adoptions, becauseagain, I did my research, I
looked into it and to be pulled away at such a young age without

(09:09):
having any sort of say as an adult, at least the research I
had done as an adult, a lot of people felt that their
identities were stripped. It was like, I don't even know
who I'm supposed to be. Like, who am I?
And so I absolutely agree. Like it feels so much like, like
human trafficking. Yeah.

(09:29):
Like I remember, I mean, even the foster care system, not to
say that it is like human trafficking, but even even as a
foster parent, I remember there was a point where they asked the
social workers would be like, OK, what age limit do you want?
What's the sex of the child thatyou want?
What's the race that you want? And I'm like, is this like
build-a-bear? Right.
Exactly. It it just all of that was

(09:51):
always what felt so icky. Yeah, even, you know, I'll even
share this this experience even from the very beginning of
getting the kids because my kiddos were put were placed in a
shelter because they couldn't beplaced in the home immediately
because they had COVID during that time.
And so when the agency reached out and said, hey, we have two

(10:14):
kids, but they have COVID, so doyou want them to stay in the
shelter for a couple more days? I remember thinking, would you
be asking me that same question if they were my biological kids?
Yeah. Like, do I, Like, do parents
have a choice if their biological kids get sick with
COVID? Oh, we're going to send them to
a shelter, Right. I was just like, and I, and that

(10:38):
was my, that has been my experience through the foster
care system that these children are labeled and I just don't
understand because I, I, I see them as, I know they're not my
biological kids, but I do see them as my kids.
So the decisions I've always made has been with that in mind,
but it just feels so weird that people just don't see that.

(11:00):
And human trafficking kind of has, like, it has the same yeah,
icky feeling to it. So I absolutely agree with that.
Yeah. And I think I told you I had a
guest on about a year ago that she's fostering and adopted.
And this child had four or five other siblings.

(11:21):
So they were all kind of dispersed, you know, out.
And she was like, they're payingme to take this child in.
I don't need the money. And she told the foster system I
don't need the money. And they're like, well, you're
getting it anyway. And she was thinking, if every
one of those kids, if I'm getting this much for this one
child, and there was five kids involved here, if they could

(11:42):
just give that money to the grandfather who was actually
trying to take care of them, their biological grandfather, if
he had that money, he could keepthe kids.
He couldn't keep them because hedidn't have the money to feed
those five kids. So that's why they were in the
foster system. And it's like, what the heck,
What are we doing? You know, what are we doing?
I agree. Yeah, I've I had this, I've had

(12:04):
the same thoughts and same conversations at that time with
my with my ex-husband of like, why?
Like I don't, I don't understand.
And I think it's been an interesting experience to also
see how how other foster parentshave those thoughts.

(12:28):
You know, I've, I've met, yes, all kinds of foster parents.
Yeah, I bet. And I'm sure there's some that
are in it for the money. And.
Yes, exactly, you know, and exactly, yeah, I get what
they're trying to do. They're trying to make it
accessible for people to help. But, you know, maybe wouldn't be
able to without the money they need, like you said, they need.

(12:52):
There's a huge need. These kids are sitting there,
you know, in shelters waiting tobe placed somewhere.
So I get, you know why. But it just, it, like you said,
it feels icky. It does.
It does and it has. Yeah.
And it's been an experience withit 'cause that was something
similar with my kids as well, where there was just so many

(13:14):
added layers to it. And I think that's what makes it
so complicated is that especially in the foster care
system, there is no one shoot fist fits all.
Like there's just so many, there's just so many
complications. So many.
It's such a complex system. And, and that's how I felt about
the adoption system too. Like it was just, there's so
many, there's so many things to look at and it just, it's, it's

(13:38):
difficult. I, I think for me, my approach
has really been about putting myfeet, my like my own feelings,
putting my own opinions aside and looking at the children and
making sure that their voices are heard, their needs are met,
and not projecting my own fears and worries onto them or onto

(14:02):
everything else. And so I think that's what I've
learned, especially in this lastalmost three years that the kids
have been with me to really encourage them to, to not allow
a label to define them because it it easily.
My kids are always going to be seen as foster kids.
They're always going to be seen as eventually they'll be seen as

(14:24):
adopted kids. Oh, I don't know what they'll be
seen as. And I don't want them to take
that label to define them. It's like, no, like you are so
and so and you get to determine who that is.
Yeah. How do you make that safe space?
How are you doing that? So they don't have like the fear
of maybe not telling you how they're feeling through this

(14:44):
process? I will be transparent and
honest. I got to do that with myself
first. That was one of the biggest
lessons I started to really see when I started this journey.
So as I said earlier, I always wanted to break the generational
trauma. I did not want to continue the
same cycle of violence, the samecycle of abuse, the same cycle

(15:08):
of intoxication. Like I just wanted to break all
of that. And when we decided to go
through the foster care, that's the one thing that the system
really does look at like are youa fit person to take care of
these children? And so when we did the
assessment, I remember looking at the assessment on paper, on

(15:32):
paper, Melissa, I was just like my mom and just like my dad.
And I didn't see, I didn't know that like here I am saying I'm
going to break the cycle. And then looking that I was
repeating it. I wasn't repeating it in that
same extent, but I was repeatingit.
And that was like an I wake an Iawakening moment for me of

(15:54):
saying, OK, Crystal, you say youwant to be different and yet
you're doing the same thing. No, you cannot.
You cannot talk the talk and notwalk the walk.
Like you got to do something different.
And at that point was when I decided to shift gears and do
something. And that was internalized myself
like start healing, start fixingthose wounds because no one

(16:20):
taught me how to create that space.
So the, the I love that questionof how do I create the space?
I had no idea. I had no idea.
Like I remember thinking to myself, how the heck am I going
to do this? I don't even know how to be a
healthy mom. I don't even know how to be a
healthy parent. I don't know how to, I don't
know how to discipline my children without violence.

(16:43):
I don't know how to discipline my children without fear.
I, I don't know how to do this. Like I know because again, I was
in the field for so long, I knowwhat healthy parenting look
like, but when you're put in it,yeah, it's not the same.
And so that's, that's honestly where it started.

(17:03):
Like I had to figure out that for myself.
So I started creating my own safe space for me to share my
feelings. I, I started setting my own
boundaries. And then from that point, that's
when I learned, then that's whenthe kids came in.
And so the system was already inplace.
But even then it wasn't, it wasn't easy.
I reached out to help. I reached out to therapy, I

(17:25):
reached out to coaches, I reached out to anyone and
everything that can help me in this part because this, that was
the hard section. But once I got into a system,
then I realized that the best thing is just again, allowing
the children to process at theirown pace, process at their own

(17:46):
time. And my job was just to allow
them to explore. And my job was just to allow
them to figure things out, but with the support that I had and
not, not again, not push my own desires on to them.
And I think that was like a hardlesson to do because of course,
immediately I wanted the kids tocome home, come here and feel

(18:08):
like this was their home. This was going to be their
forever home. And I caught myself multiple
times not stripping their identity, but forgetting that
they already had an identity that was already molded.
And my job was now to encourage them to discover their own
identity without the fear of rejection or the fear of

(18:31):
abandonment or the fear of more loss.
Because my kids were already, I mean, my now 10 at that time L,
my oldest, they were eight at that time.
And my little 1 Princess, now she's 5 and at that time she was

(18:52):
2. And so I had an 8 year old and a
2 year old. And like, how do I hold space
for them if I, I didn't know like who they were?
So that's really where I started, like learning about who
they were, but also honoring myself in the process because,
yeah, like my inner child was constantly, constantly
triggered. I can't imagine in those first

(19:17):
days, trying to figure all that out was probably very
challenging. Well, especially because I
became a mom overnight. Overnight.
I I mean, I, like I said, I didn't have biological kids that
mean the only babies I had were my fur babies.
And fur babies are definitely not like real children.

(19:37):
No. So yeah, it was it was a lesson
for sure. What were some of the biggest
challenges that maybe you faced that you weren't expecting to?
So OK, one of the biggest challenges that I faced that I
wasn't expecting to was again, parenting, but parenting with

(20:06):
like with my ex-husband at that.Like we both had different
ideas. I don't think we were prepared
to know what parenting would really was really going to look
like. And we never had those
conversations. We didn't have those
conversations of how we wanted to discipline the kids, how we
wanted to raise the kids. Like we, we, we just, we didn't

(20:28):
have those conversations. And so now we're in the middle
of it with an 8 year old and a 2year old.
And it, it, it just was like, weweren't a team.
And that was a, that was a really hard lesson to like
learn, especially because of thekind of personally personality I
have, the kind of personality hehas.

(20:49):
And then we are brought in with two more beautiful souls that
have their own set of personalities.
And I've been through a lot on top of that.
Exactly. And so it was like learning all
of this. It was honestly like learning
how to work as a team. And I, I, I, I had this illusion

(21:10):
that it was going to be not necessarily easy, but I, it
would have like, I had this illusion that it was going to be
manageable and it, and it wasn't.
And then so I think that was my biggest lesson.
Yeah, that's good. And did you do they offer, does

(21:31):
the foster system offer? What kind of things do they
offer for help for you guys as the parents?
You're laughing. Nothing.
You know, I this is part of the broken system.
This is I, I believe, and I don't know if other foster

(21:55):
parents experienced this again, I, I, I, I, I feel that because
I was so adamant of me wanting to break the same, like break
the generational trauma. I was so aware of it because
that was like one of the things that even my therapist would
tell me at that time, she would say, you know, Crystal, you have
such an awareness of this. And I'm like, don't other people

(22:17):
aren't other parents? Like, don't other people think
like this? Like it was so mind blowing, but
it was, it was an interesting, it was an interesting time.
And, and I feel that that's, that's where I had to really
like learn, learn about it. And so, so yeah, my, my train,

(22:46):
my thought train just left. That's OK.
I don't know where I was asking what help that they were giving
and you were, oh, that's right, the help and and that's OK.
That's why I started. I'm like, that's why I started
there because I wasn't receivinghelp.
That's why I had to go look for my own own help And and the
system is so broken because again, I don't know if other

(23:09):
foster parents like, I don't know, like it was just so weird.
So I should, I should say this too, when my ex and I went into
it, we decided to go through a private agency because for many
people, and I don't know if thisis just across the count the the

(23:30):
country or if it's just in California because that's where
I'm located. But there's 2 two ways to go
into the foster care system. You can go through an agency
that is like the middleman or you can go directly through the
county. And so when I did my research I

(23:51):
wanted to go through, I wanted to see which one would be the
most supportive. The county really felt very
hands off it. It felt like it you had more and
I don't want to say support, butyou had it like it was kind of

(24:11):
like, here's the children and we'll see you every so often and
you'll figure it out with the agency.
It felt like, OK, you know, we'll be visiting you more
often. You'll have support.
We'll be your advocate. We'll be the kids advocate.
Like they really were like the middle man.
And I felt that was more comfortable for me because like
I was like, I don't, I need support.

(24:32):
I can't just do this on my own, but even the still, the agency
we worked with, I, I did inform them like, hey, I'm struggling,
my marriage is struggling. This is really hard.
And and not that they didn't offer support, they were always
so encouraging and listening. However, I think this is where

(24:52):
the downfall is in the foster care system.
Everyone's overworked. Like there's just so many kids
and so much to do and like my marriage problems, I don't think
were there pernuarity, but and Iget it.
And I and I, but I, I mean, I even asked like, do you guys do
support groups? And, and this was also right

(25:16):
after like right after COVID. So I think there was also this
new way of living that people were trying to come up with,
like, you know, working remote and more things were done
virtually. I think it was all just in the
timing, but there wasn't a lot of support.
There was support overall. Like I'm not going to say I was
left alone, but I had to go lookfor my own support.

(25:41):
Like I, I was the one who reached out to my support team
and said I need help because I'mclose to a nervous breakdown and
I'm going to hurt someone or hurt myself and I need help.
Like I cannot do this. And so that's how the support
came like it. It came through my own spiritual
practices because I prayed a lotduring that time.

(26:01):
I was constantly praying and praying like, please help me,
please help me. And so that's how the support
came for me. But it wasn't because of the
systems that were put in place. Yeah, they try.
I'm not going to say they they don't, but it's not adequate for
the need. I, I assume so you were talking

(26:23):
about the middleman. I, so all the kids go into a
county system though, right? How does this private foster
middleman come into the picture?Like where do they come in?
If it's all through the county? I was trying to, I'm trying,
I've never heard this. So I'm, I'm trying to get into
that here. I, I love it and this is the

(26:44):
best way I could explain it too.So I because again, the county
is overworked and the social workers, I mean, 20 to 30 more a
caseload per person and like, like that's a lot of kids.
So the, the agencies are the, the resource parents cuz they're

(27:05):
not, they're actually trying to go away from calling them foster
parents and they're calling themresource parents.
Yes, I just heard that recently.Yeah, yeah.
So the resource parent agency, the RFA's resource family
agency. Yeah.
RFA, the RFA's like that's what they are like they're there to
really create more support for the, the resource families for

(27:27):
the, because again, like the county's overworked until these
agencies really do help with create this extra support for
the children and extra support for the, the, the foster parents
and extra support for the county.
Because the county's job is reunification.

(27:48):
The county's job is making sure that they're doing their due
diligence to make sure that parents are also receiving
support. That's how, that's how I felt
for me. Like I felt that the county's
support was to support the family as a whole.
And my agency's job was to support the kids and me as a
resource parent to make sure that everything you know, was

(28:11):
getting done adequately. I mean it, it, it truly felt
like a, a full time job like every, I had to take notes for
every doctor's appointment. I had tons of incident reports
to always write. So if if Princess, especially at
two years old, when Princess would fall in, scraped her
knees, I had to go make a reportand making sure because like,

(28:32):
you know, and I get like, I understand why they do all of
that. But I think that's what the
agency's there for. Because without the agency, all
of those reports would be just going directly to the social
worker. And the social worker already
has 4050 kids. They don't have time to deal
with those things. Yeah, do.
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(28:55):
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(29:15):
So your kids, how do you think they feel about being adopted?
What would be their preference? Would they, you know, would they
rather go back to biology, biological family if they had
the choice, or would they ratherbe adopted and, and come into
your family? And so L now 10 has has verbally

(29:42):
stated that they want to be adopted, but they want to have a
relationship with biological parents.
But, and this is what, and this is exactly the words that they
use. They say, I just want to make
sure that they are going to be nice to me.
Like if it's just one night, I just want to make sure.

(30:03):
And if they're not, I don't wantto see them ever again.
So it's kind of like, like they just, there's, there's confusion
on their part because they, theyknow, I mean, there's always
going to be that love for their parents.
And, and I'm all, and I'm alwaysgoing to encourage that love
too. Because again, I, I also grew up
in an abusive household. I grew up like, I know that love

(30:24):
doesn't go away. Like my dad was abusive and my
dad was like an alcoholic and, and yet he was my dad.
And so I like, I understand where they're coming from.
So now that Elle has been able to experience those true two
different lifestyles, I'm not going to say two different, two
different parenting styles. I'm seeing that like, because

(30:46):
they now feel safe and they see things differently.
That's their choice. Princess, on the other hand,
because she was two, she, I, I don't know if she really
understands what's going on or how she sees it.
I'm very open. I, I don't keep anything from
them because again, this is their case.

(31:09):
This is their lives. This is their case.
I mean, the other day she made acomment.
She goes, Mommy, do you rememberwhen I was in your belly?
And I, I was like, OK, here we go.
This is the first time we have this conversation.
How am I? What am I going to say?
What am I going to do? And we were driving too.
And I, and I just looked in the rearview mirror and I looked at

(31:29):
her and I go, Mommy, you, you, you weren't in mommy's belly
like you were in your biologicalmommy's belly.
And, and she looked at me like what?
And because we have been using the word biological for quite
some time. So she, she knew what I was
talking about because then she goes, oh, she calls her sibling

(31:50):
Dee Dee. She goes, oh, Dee Dee's
biological mom, like, yes, you were in Dee Dee's biological
mom. And she goes, oh, and then, then
she just went on. OK, so do you remember when I
was in Dee Dee's biological mommy's belly?
And I go, I wasn't there. So I don't remember.
Well, what do you remember? And then she would just, she

(32:11):
just started telling me something.
So, so the she that's how she sees it.
I think because at this point she's so attached to me and she,
I mean, they haven't seen their parents in in almost three
years. We do have visits with siblings.
We do have visits with their paternal grandmother, but they

(32:36):
like, I don't know. And, and I think this is also
part of the system and it's, I mean, there's so many
complexities that it's just so hard.
When does the system decide thatit's time for them, you know, to
to be put up for adoption? That's an option.
Like what question? Oh my gosh, I don't know, you

(32:57):
know, and again, I think this ismy experience because this case
was so complex, and I'm telling you, this was a very complex
case. They, they, the system wanted to
put the kids in in for adoption immediately because of severity
of what was going on. However, because there were

(33:21):
added layers to it, because there were family members who
wanted and, and family members who were trying to step in.
Because again, that's part of the the county's due diligence,
making sure because the county, they from my understanding, they
don't want to go in and pull thekids from their home and put
them into adoption right away. Like they want family

(33:42):
reunification. Yeah, I'm all for that.
I absolutely agree, however, that they also want to make sure
that the family that they're going to be what we're unified
with is meeting their requirements.
And I, and I, and I think that'sthe part as a foster parent, I'm
not informed with that. So I have, I don't know, like I

(34:05):
think that was a frustrating part for me of I was put in
limbo of not knowing like for, for this whole time.
I, we, we, I've never known. I have never known if they were
ever going to go back if they weren't I, I was.
They were just here in my home and I was just providing with
them the best I could with everything.
The support, the love, getting them, advocating for them to get

(34:29):
therapy, and doing all of this while also not knowing if they
were going to stay here forever.So that also kind of put me in a
weird place recently. And and again, this case is and
a lot of people say like this ismy case was very different my
first time into foster care. And I'm like, wow, yeah, it will

(34:50):
be my last. Let me tell you that we recently
were informed early this year that it was going to go into
adoptions. And that was around the same
time that the criminal justice system made their decision on on
the issue. Yeah.
And so then everything kind of just prolonged it because then

(35:15):
parents, as they have a right to, they get to appeal.
And so that's where we've been in.
We've been dealing with the appealing process because
parents still don't have their rights terminated.
And I get it. And I see that it's just, it's
it's just made it prolong. And I think that's where I have
seen it affect my kids because again, I'm open with my kids.

(35:36):
I, I, I don't deny it, especially because my, you know,
Elle is older. Elle, I can't, I can't lie to
them. Like they're, they're at that
age where they're going to be curious, they're going to ask
questions. Is that hard to, because you are
kind of in limbo and you don't know if they're going to be
taken at some point. Is that hard to totally immerse

(36:00):
yourself in that connection, knowing that you might lose them
at some point or is that an issue?
It was hard. It was hard in the beginning.
And, and I think that's that, that was where I struggled in
the beginning because I mean, I,I fell in love with these two

(36:20):
kids. The moment they, they, the
moment I saw them, the moment myex-husband and I went to go pick
him up from the shelter, I immediately like, love them.
Like they like to know a little bit of their story, to know
where they were coming from. Like there was just this immense
amount of compassion and love that I had for them.

(36:42):
I wanted to protect them. I wanted to take care of them.
And I think that's where I, I started making some of those
mistakes early on of like, I wanna, I strip you from your
identity. I want to take away all your
hurt and pain. And I, and I, I wasn't doing it
in a healthy way. And so that's where I struggled
in the beginning, but as, as I continue to again, heal my own

(37:06):
wounds, because that's what likethat's what was triggered.
Melissa, I'll be honest, my fearof rejection, my fear of
abandonment, here I am loving these two kids.
And in the back of my mind, am Igoing to stay with them forever?
Like, why am I investing all of this?
Like, what am I, what's going tohappen?
Am I, am I really ready to get my heart broken?
And it was just so hard. And thank God for therapy, thank

(37:29):
God for support groups, Thank God for all of these things.
Because that's really where I started to see like my job was
not to keep them. My job was to be this place to
hold space for them and trust the process.
And you know, I, I'm a very spiritual person.

(37:49):
So it really was like, let go and let God, I'm like, OK, I'm
like, Oh my God, I'm just going to trust the process, get my
heart invested. But it's, but it was more to
like create that love for them. And I think that's really what
helped me move past the fear of just saying, you know what?
I just got to trust and, and I know that this is something

(38:13):
that's bigger than me and, and know that my job is to guide
them. My job is to help them and my
job is to love them and create that space for them and then
just trust. And, and so that's really where
I started shifting a lot of my, my belief system with the kids

(38:37):
and with their families. I don't blame the parents.
You know, I, I, I'm not, I don'thold any anger towards the
parents or wish them harm or, or, or have this mentality of
like, oh, I want to keep these kids and like hurt people, hurt
people. I know that, I'm aware of that.

(38:57):
And I've seen that. I truly believe the system is
what help what, what helped create this mess.
The system let down my kids, Thesystem let down their parents.
It's a system and, and unfortunately, they were all
casualties of the system. And so since I've been able to

(39:19):
really refrain my my mind and thinking that way, it's helped
me just embrace the moment more,be more in the moment and not
get so caught up in the future or get caught up in the past.
It's more of like, this is what I have right now in front of me.
They are both living with me. This is this is a fact.
I don't know what's outside of this.

(39:39):
And we're just going to take it one day at a time.
Yeah. That's all you can do.
Oh, yes, that is. So what has been the most
rewarding aspect of your relationship with these kids?
Oh, they inspired me so much. Oh has endured so much that at

(40:13):
that time No 8 year old should have ever endured.
And yet. The amount of love that he had
for me, the amount of resiliencythat I saw inspired me like it
it. It was almost like a breath of

(40:35):
fresh air to see that regardlessof the life that they were
coming from, they, they were happy.
They still wanted to be happy. They wanted to be loved.
Like, and I think that was like the biggest thing I saw with,
with Elle was all, all, all theywanted was love.
That's all they wanted. They just wanted love and
acceptance. And so they, they really

(40:56):
inspired me to me be a healthierperson, for me to be a healthier
mom, for me to also be able to work on my own issues, my own
insecurities, my own fears. And they really were, were what
were what I needed to really move past and really start

(41:20):
walking the walk that I was talking about of breaking
generational trauma. Because I realized few months
in, I mean eight months in, eight months in, eight months
in, I realized that I was, I needed to separate from my
ex-husband at that point becauseit was like it, we are not
repeating this pattern. It's all I kept saying to

(41:42):
myself, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this.
I am repeating it. I'm not doing this.
And so they inspired me. I mean, I'm now a single mom and
it is the scariest experience I have ever experienced in my
whole entire life to, to be a single mom.
I admire single moms who have done it.

(42:02):
I I just can commend them and sonow for me to be in this place,
but my kids have inspired me to keep going and to keep pushing
through. They, I truly believe that they
are my do over. You know, DL came into my life
when at 8 and that was exactly the same time in my life that

(42:27):
some traumatic stuff was happening to me too.
So to really support them in a ways that I wasn't supported as
Princess is people. I mean, she she is a carbon copy
of me, not physically, but I people will comment like she
acts just like you. I'm like, I know it's it's mind

(42:50):
blowing because she is she's so fierce.
She's the independent. She stands up for herself.
She speaks her mind. And that was exactly how I was
as a child. The difference was that I was
growing up in an environment where that wasn't allowed.
And so now I, I want her to like, it's almost like I see
myself through her and I, like, I allow her to be a child where

(43:14):
I wasn't given that privilege. So that's how they've inspired
me. They've inspired me to break my
own generational trauma for myself and now for me to help
them break their own generational cycles.
You know, they are the reason why I've left the field of
domestic violence, sexual sound,human trafficking, because I

(43:36):
knew that I needed to do something different.
The vicarious trauma wasn't helping, was not helping me.
They were. They are the inspiration of me
being a spiritual life coach. They are the inspiration of love
your now Co madre. They are the inspiration that
created my staple program of unlocking your inner Co madre

(43:59):
because like everything I have done has been by their
inspiration, by seeing them growand seeing them heal and seeing
them change and seeing them really step into their own
powers. And so that's what has been the
most rewarding and amazing experience I've had with with

(44:20):
these two amazing souls. Yeah.
Sounds like they're major teachers.
And where would you be right nowif you didn't have them, you
know, come along? So I ask myself that question
all the time. Yeah.
So you have a podcast, Fire and Butterflies.
And, you know, you might not have even had all the great

(44:43):
things that you have to say on that podcast if they hadn't come
along, you know? So did they have something kind
of some inspiration? Did they give you some kind of
inspiration for the themes of your podcast?
So not necessarily so yes and no, not directly.
It was absolutely indirectly when I knew that I was going to

(45:09):
go into the foster care system to adopt and I saw this like I,
I, I actually that's what I calllike a, for a lot of people,
like that was my rock bottom. Seeing this piece of paper and
seeing that I was just like my mom and just like my dad and I
was like, no, we're not doing this.
I'm not doing this. And I remember crying to a
mentor at that time, it was she was my mentor or she is my

(45:31):
mentor still. I was crying.
I was like, I can't do this. I don't think I'm ready to be a
mom. How am I going to do this?
Like I'm repeating the same cycle.
I'm a people pleaser just like my mom and I'm so controlling,
just like my dad. And, and so she was the one who
really encouraged me to join a 12 step recovery program, Al

(45:55):
Anon, because I, there was stilla lot of, I didn't want to admit
and I didn't want to realize that alcoholism had really
affected me. Like my dad's alcoholism had
really affected me. And so that's when I started
joining Al Anon and I went to recovery program.
And so, and I say this because that's where I really started to

(46:18):
see the symbolism. Like my, I got a sponsor doing
those step work. And my sponsor would always say
like, this is your cocoon phase.This is where you're at with
your larva face. Like that's what they would tell
me. And I'm like, OK, butterflies.
Like I see butterflies. Yeah, so that's where the
butterfly stuff started coming in, just starting to really see

(46:38):
the transformation that I was doing.
And then when my kids came into my life, like I was pushed into
OverDrive. Like I think because I was doing
my 12 step recovery program before the kids came in because
again, I was preparing for whenever kids would come into
our lives. And so, but when they came in,

(46:59):
it was like really pushed into OverDrive.
And so that's where the fire comes in because that's when my
personality really came out. You know, for, for your
listeners who are into astrology, I, I am a triple
fire, meaning I am an Aries sun and sun and rising and a

(47:20):
Sagittarius moon. So I'm very, I'm like a very
fiery person. And that's really where I got to
see like, like I was like, Nope,we're going to get shit done.
Like I'm going to get I like, Nope, I'm not playing around
anymore. If I say I'm going to do
something, I'm going to do it. And so that's where fire came
through a lot. So that's how my kids like
inspired it, but not directly. It was like that indirect of me

(47:44):
coming together. I'm like, oh, firing butterflies
because that's exactly what I needed in my life.
And that's what people probably need in their lives.
Yeah. So I mean, you shared a little
bit how it hasn't always been butterflies, this process of
being a foster mom. What advice would you give to
someone who feels that they're going through their own fire
phase in either fostering or adopting?

(48:07):
So in essence, what would you like struggling either foster
parents or potential adoptive parents to know?
The main thing I I would love everyone to know is just get
informed again, if something doesn't feel right, if some if

(48:29):
if you need help, it's OK to askfor help, it's OK to reach out,
it's OK to get educated. It's like there is no right or
wrong way of doing things like it it, it's all this is all part
of life lessons. We're going to mess up.
We're not going to be perfect. I've made my, I have made so

(48:49):
many mistakes along this journey, but the thing that has
really helped me is knowing thatI have a support system.
So to really ask for help and really look for your support
system, Look for people who are going to support you and have
your bag and, and people who aregoing to call you out and not,

(49:11):
not not people who are going to sugarcoat and be like, Oh,
you're doing just fine. Like call, like have those
friends who are going to say, Hey, that was that, OK, And be
like, Oh, shit, you're right. That was that OK.
And really like find that because children are teachers,

(49:31):
biologically or not, children are teachers.
Children are mirrors. They are going to mirror
everything. The things that we don't like to
the things that we love. They're that's what they're
that's what they're going to do.And if we find ways to really
look at that mirror and let findthe lessons, but we can't find

(49:53):
those lessons alone. Like we need support.
We need people, we need a village.
I have never really understood the gravity of that term or that
phrase of it takes a village to raise a child.
No, it takes a whole freaking city.
Like it takes more than it takesevery single person to do their
part to raise a child because they that is our next

(50:14):
generation. So don't do it alone.
Find support, find people, ask for help, because that's, I
mean, that's all we need to do. I, we, we don't need to figure
these things out on our own. Just parting words.
I want everyone to know, always remember that the children via
if it's fostering adoption, theyhave their own history.

(50:36):
They have their own, you know, we just celebrated the other Los
Muertos recently, which is a Hispanic holiday, Day of the
dead. And I put an ultra up and I told
my kids, like, next time I see your grandmother, I'm going to
ask for pictures because your family belongs up here too.
So I get, I want people to know,like, they come from somewhere.
They come from something. So honor that for them, too,

(50:56):
because that's that's really going to help them find who they
truly are. Yeah, So tell us about what
you're up to about your website.What do you offer people, your
podcast, whatever you want to share.
Absolutely. Thank you.
So as a spiritual life coach andowner and founder of Love Your

(51:16):
Naco Madre, I my my mission is really to help people find their
true authentic selves. Find help people find their what
is in their highest alignment for themselves via through
spirituality. If it's through just healing
their generational, their own generational traumas through
healing their own hurts and pains, whatever it is like I

(51:39):
like I'm there to be as a guide,as a mentor to really give them
those tools. So my website is WW dot
LYNCOMADRE lynncomadre.com. I'm also currently still trying
to figure out my relationship with social media, but I yeah,

(51:59):
I'm on Instagram. I know I am on Instagram and
TikTok and LinkedIn as love yourNalco Madre on all platforms.
And so that's where I share a lot of my content, but the
majority of my content is comes from my YouTube channel where I
do live coaching sessions and I do monthly workshops.

(52:23):
And then on my website, I do offer one-on-one services or my
staple program of unlocking yourNerco moderate program, which is
A10 week transformative program where I give people the tools
that I personally use to be ableto do what I'm doing and heal
not just myself, but also provide to be that example.
Because that's really where I've, I have seen that in order

(52:46):
for me to see the change in the world, I got to be that change.
And so that's, that's the tools that I provide people of how do
you be that change? How do you, how do you change
the life you want? Well, you do, you got to do the
work. So that's, that's how people can
see me. My podcast, Fire and
butterflies. I mean, I have guests on there.
We talk about whatever, again, spirituality.

(53:08):
So my, my experience in healing has been, again, not one shoe
fits all. It's really finding what works
for you and, and really finding the tools that can enhance
people's journey and people's experience.
And so that's where my podcast is all about.

(53:29):
I share my own experience. I have guests on there.
You've been a guest and you share.
I will share their stories. Yes.
And it's just really again, my, my, my goal is to inspire people
again, inspire to be the change that people want to see in the
world. Like all of us can do it.
We can do it. We just sometimes lose the

(53:50):
ability to know how to do it. Yeah, great.
Well, I'll have all those links in the show notes if anyone
wants to find Crystal. And thank you so much for being
brave and coming on and just being so transparent.
I'm all about education. You educated me more on the
foster system. I don't know a lot about it.
So thank you for just being openand honest with us today about

(54:15):
your life and your journey. Great conversation with Crystal
about being a resource parent, and I thank her for reminding me
that the verbiage has changed from fostering to resource
parent. I'm all about education.
Huge thanks to her for being so real with us today, sharing her
ups and downs, and giving us a peek into the world of resource

(54:38):
parenting and adoption. It's clear that while there's so
much love and reward, there's also a ton to learn and some
real challenges. Along the way, I hope today's
talk brought you a little. Closer to understanding the kind
of commitment and. Care that goes into this
journey. And for those of you out there
who might be thinking about becoming a resource parent or

(55:01):
adopting, remember it's OK if it's not always sunshine and
butterflies. Education and support make a
world of difference, so keep asking questions.
Keep learning, keep educating yourself.
And give yourself grace as you go.
Along the way on this journey. Thanks for listening today Karma

(55:22):
crew. Don't forget to take what you
need and leave what you don't. And always remember to mind your
own karma. I'll see you next time.
This podcast is created for educational purposes by the
telling of adoption experiences.The views expressed in this
podcast may not be those of the host or Mind Your Own Karma.

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S3E45 - THE CHALLENGES OF FOSTERING TO ADOPT, FOSTER MOM CRISTAL BAEZ - LOVE YOUR NOW COMADRE

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}S3E45 - THE CHALLENGES OF FOSTERING TO ADOPT, FOSTER MOM CRISTAL BAEZ - LOVE YOUR NOW COMADRE